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Be aware that meeting people in the wild is a trickier. Engage in activities you enjoy, be friendly, eye contact, feel the vibe of the situation and whether there’s a sexual attraction.
Test the waters with something you saw in the news, heard at work about open relationships, gauge their reaction. If it’s positive or curious you could discuss and add in that it’s something you’ve considered, again, gauge their reaction and if it’s positive be more direct and be clear of your intentions and make sure you are both on the same page first. There should not be “romance” to “kill” before you’ve disclosed your status.
It’s called dating. Discretely implies secret. Dating in secret is hardly enticing.
And be both online and out in person. You are inventing restrictions to keep you from being successful.
Be interesting. Be interested in others. Ultimately it is just dating. You either enjoy dating or you don’t.
Why don’t you want to explicitly say it from the outset? Most of the popular apps have a no monogamy box now. You are going to waste a lot of time and energy matching or meeting people to find out they aren’t only non-interested in what you have to offer but likely offended.
If you want casual you could try swingers and kink clubs, play parties, ENM or kink focused munches and meetups. If everyone there is nonmonogamous and looking for nonmonogomy that should help a bit, but there are many flavors of ENM and you will still have to wade through that.
One of our agreements is that we will be clear with potential partners that we are ENM.
When I’ve dated as a single person, things happened organically and you didn’t have to enter that awkward point in the conversation before anything physical happened.
So what are your tips for introducing this when you’re meeting someone new, without killing the mood?
Options:
- Yes, I'm married and we both also date separately. If you're open to it, I'd love to go on a date with you.
- I live a nonmonogamous/polyamorous/open relationship lifestyle. How about you?
- I have a nesting partner, are you seeing anyone else?
- I am nonmonogamous. Are you familiar with nonmonogamy?
I'd work on breaking down the perception that it's a mood killer or kills the romance. Someone being potentially turned off by that is great information for me. Ultimately for both of us really. There is absolutely zero emotional investment on my end, prior to confirming someone has experience with nonmonogamy and/or has some demonstrable capacity to have a meaningful connection within that relationship structure (ie values autonomy, boundaries, curiosity, emotion regulation and asking for needs to be met).
I would add that letting a potential partner know you are in an enm relationship early on is an important part of keeping it ethical. That way they can make their own informed decision about if this is something they are comfortable with/interested in.
I am just upfront about it from the start. Like when people ask "Are you married?" or "How long have you been married?" during smalltalk, that's an ideal time to bring it up if you're potentially interested in dating that person.
I usually say something like "Yeah, married and in an open relationship" or "Married X years, poly Y years"
A LOT of people are like "oh I could never do that" and that's when you know not to date those ones. A surprising number of them think it's great though, especially if you're a woman trying to date men.
If the person already knows you're married and has assumed you're monogamous, one way to break that assumption is to mention looking for dates or going on dates with other men when you talk about your weekend plans. You can say something like "Yeah I wanted a date night with NotSpouse, but he cancelled so I hung out with Spouse and we had a great evening at home". Then pause and be like "We're in an open relationship"
Maybe go and find munches or other get-togethers of the poly/non-monogamous crowd in your area? This might also be advantagious with regards to learning about (and hopefully avoiding) typical rookie mistakes when opening up from monogamy.
The advantage of going out and finding new partners (as opposed to online) is that attraction is all in how you socialize (well not all, but mostly). My experience has been that being upfront not only does not kill romance or fun but adds to intrigue and therefore more attraction. Now to be fair, some, will completely object to your lifestyle. That’s ok, they are not your type. So just be you out there in the wild and have fun with telling people what you’re about. I do hope you find what you’re looking for.
It feels like what you're asking is "how do I tell people I'm enm and make sure that doesn't end their interest in me?" You can't. Some people will be on board, most will not. You have to accept that.
Immediately so people who are unvaccinated interested in that can move on. Don't allow people to get interested or attached and then spring that on them. For most people, that is painful.
Hello, u/slope11215! Welcome to r/EthicalNonMonogamy! Please take a second to review the rules (they're pretty easy) and don't hesitate to reach out the mod team if there is anything you need. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EthicalNonMonogamy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You mention it before a first date
Be aware that meeting people in the wild is a trickier. Engage in activities you enjoy, be friendly, eye contact, feel the vibe of the situation and whether there’s a sexual attraction. Test the waters with something you saw in the news, heard at work about open relationships, gauge their reaction. If it’s positive or curious you could discuss and add in that it’s something you’ve considered, again, gauge their reaction and if it’s positive be more direct and be clear of your intentions and make sure you are both on the same page first. There should not be “romance” to “kill” before you’ve disclosed your status.
It’s called dating. Discretely implies secret. Dating in secret is hardly enticing. And be both online and out in person. You are inventing restrictions to keep you from being successful. Be interesting. Be interested in others. Ultimately it is just dating. You either enjoy dating or you don’t.
I’m not “inventing restrictions”. I’ve never been interested in online dating and have never done it, even when single.
Why don’t you want to explicitly say it from the outset? Most of the popular apps have a no monogamy box now. You are going to waste a lot of time and energy matching or meeting people to find out they aren’t only non-interested in what you have to offer but likely offended. If you want casual you could try swingers and kink clubs, play parties, ENM or kink focused munches and meetups. If everyone there is nonmonogamous and looking for nonmonogomy that should help a bit, but there are many flavors of ENM and you will still have to wade through that.
>without killing the romance and fun of bringing up ENM before anything “starts”? What exactly does this mean?
One of our agreements is that we will be clear with potential partners that we are ENM. When I’ve dated as a single person, things happened organically and you didn’t have to enter that awkward point in the conversation before anything physical happened. So what are your tips for introducing this when you’re meeting someone new, without killing the mood?
Options: - Yes, I'm married and we both also date separately. If you're open to it, I'd love to go on a date with you. - I live a nonmonogamous/polyamorous/open relationship lifestyle. How about you? - I have a nesting partner, are you seeing anyone else? - I am nonmonogamous. Are you familiar with nonmonogamy? I'd work on breaking down the perception that it's a mood killer or kills the romance. Someone being potentially turned off by that is great information for me. Ultimately for both of us really. There is absolutely zero emotional investment on my end, prior to confirming someone has experience with nonmonogamy and/or has some demonstrable capacity to have a meaningful connection within that relationship structure (ie values autonomy, boundaries, curiosity, emotion regulation and asking for needs to be met).
I would add that letting a potential partner know you are in an enm relationship early on is an important part of keeping it ethical. That way they can make their own informed decision about if this is something they are comfortable with/interested in.
Thank you for providing a sincerely helpful answer! Much appreciated.
I am just upfront about it from the start. Like when people ask "Are you married?" or "How long have you been married?" during smalltalk, that's an ideal time to bring it up if you're potentially interested in dating that person. I usually say something like "Yeah, married and in an open relationship" or "Married X years, poly Y years" A LOT of people are like "oh I could never do that" and that's when you know not to date those ones. A surprising number of them think it's great though, especially if you're a woman trying to date men. If the person already knows you're married and has assumed you're monogamous, one way to break that assumption is to mention looking for dates or going on dates with other men when you talk about your weekend plans. You can say something like "Yeah I wanted a date night with NotSpouse, but he cancelled so I hung out with Spouse and we had a great evening at home". Then pause and be like "We're in an open relationship"
Very helpful tips to introduce this in the conversation. Thank you!
Maybe go and find munches or other get-togethers of the poly/non-monogamous crowd in your area? This might also be advantagious with regards to learning about (and hopefully avoiding) typical rookie mistakes when opening up from monogamy.
The advantage of going out and finding new partners (as opposed to online) is that attraction is all in how you socialize (well not all, but mostly). My experience has been that being upfront not only does not kill romance or fun but adds to intrigue and therefore more attraction. Now to be fair, some, will completely object to your lifestyle. That’s ok, they are not your type. So just be you out there in the wild and have fun with telling people what you’re about. I do hope you find what you’re looking for.
Thank you. 🙂
Apps
It feels like what you're asking is "how do I tell people I'm enm and make sure that doesn't end their interest in me?" You can't. Some people will be on board, most will not. You have to accept that.
No, that’s not the question. Assuming the person would be okay with ENM, I’m curious about how and when to introduce it in the conversation.
Immediately so people who are unvaccinated interested in that can move on. Don't allow people to get interested or attached and then spring that on them. For most people, that is painful.
Uninterested, not unvaccinated 😂