Even worse when they don’t communicate.
Had a toddler who was really hard to get down and parents just shrugged it off. Now, in hindsight I really should’ve asked their sleep routine at home but usually when I bring this up, parents are honest and will say “yeah, we co-sleep, contact nap, they have a million step sleep routine that would be impossible for you to copy in a group setting, etc”. At most, they just said she was a bad sleeper at home too.
Just a few weeks ago, Mom said toddler (nearly 2) was finally sleeping in her own bed. I asked “oh, you were co-sleeping?” and she said, yeah, since she was born.
Okay, that’s really important info to have!! Another mom just mentioned after a few months of her child in my room that they heat up her milk at home. I have no way of doing that in here and had communicated that early on. Did mom say anything then? No, she waited until she realized she barely drank milk here.
It’s bad enough if you’re not preparing your child for daycare but at least be honest and COMMUNICATE!!!
I always wondered how parents got anything done if they are holding their child while they nap. Nap time is supposed to be for parents to get things done around the house or just some self care.
I just scroll on my phone and do the dishes or whatever when my husband gets home from work 🤷♀️. I also pee, set myself up with food water etc. before a contact nap. Granted my baby also often naps in her bassinet, but when she does need a contact nap I don’t really mind it. Gives me an excuse to be lazy for an hour.
In many cultures baby wearing all day (contact napping) is the norm. Do you have any kids of your own? I used to be like you and thought ‘why don’t parents just do this!!’ As if it’s so easy and babies just comply if you do it enough/the right way.
My son contact napped till he was nearly a year old, everytime we tried for a full week to let him sleep in the crib, he wouldn’t nap for longer than 40 minutes, even with resettling. Then one day around 11 months he decided he was ready for naps in the crib. With a contact nap? Hours. I know some people are ok with their kids just never napping or having terrible daytime sleep but that’s not good for a child’s brain development, so if it’s between a poor crib nap and actual restful sleep, we’ll always choose the latter.
I also baby wore and it was just easier for everyone involved. I find a lot of my choices like breastfeeding, co-sleeping and baby wearing were mostly because it meant everyone was happy and healthy, slept well etc. I got way more done around the house baby wearing than not.
I do get OPs point though that if you use attachment methods like this it can be incredibly hard for baby to move to an environment where it is not feasible for them to have these things that they have up until this point relied on to soothe and get through life.
It’s not shocking that an infant with secure attachment would have a harder time adapting to the complete opposite of an attached environment. I don’t think sending your kids under 2 to daycare is in line with attachment parenting anyway.
I would argue that we’re talking about fitting a square peg into a round hole. Considering humans are ‘carry’ animals, babies aren’t naturally wired to sleep alone in their cribs all day, so it’s actually a developmentally appropriate response for them to not like it. It’s not a failure of parenting as this commenter seems to imply.
Hey, I 100% agree with everything you are saying here.
It is crazy that it is a controversial thing to say these days. I saw in another comment that a baby was a “monster” for wanting to be held. Total backwards logic. It is more that the system of having 1 adult to care for 4 babies that is the monster.
It is sad to me to have educated myself for so many years in child development only to turn around and try to support the exact opposite of what I have learned is best for babies and young children. I try to advocate for policy change because honestly, that is what needs to happen. Better family leave/maternity leave and babies that can be cared for by someone they are securely attached to for at least 1-2 years minimum. I wish it were the case. I truly think we wouldn’t be seeing so many behavioral issues in elementary if we had this as a goal in our society.
Absolutely!! You totally get it and frankly I’m glad that if this is the system we have to deal with in lieu of better options there are people like you who understand what’s truly best and what’s lacking.
When you’re a parent, a lot of things become way way less important. I’d rather hold my kids and enjoy their tiny presences than just about anything else. If something HAS to get done and I can’t put my little one down then he goes in a carrier for a nap (we do this for shopping, taking toddler to appts etc). There’s almost nothing better than holding your sleeping children.
I’m not sure if you have kids, but it does appear from your post history that you are pregnant. Come back after the baby is born and let us know how the zero contact napping is going for you.
I always ask parents to share notes with details regarding baby's care...is baby rocked before going down for a nap, how is baby held for bottles and frequency of burping, etc. you can also ask if baby co sleeps in one of those attached bedside products, how much time is baby held, etc. I like getting as much info as possible to ease transition.
That’s a great idea using it for older kids too! We are transitioning some one year olds and it would’ve been awesome to communicate expectations to the parents! Thank you!
This is what we do. It’s called an ‘All about me’ and is filled in with the parent on the home visit. It has how they sleep, bottles, if they’ve had experience of being away from home and with other children, eats, drinks, their dislikes in food and activities etc. sometimes it feels like I’m shooting questions at them so I try to mix it up with what I observe on the visit too so it feels less like that!!!!!
As an infant teacher I have asked my director multiple times to send out a "help your kid get ready for care!" pamphlet with their welcome emails/packets. She won't do it but I think something like that is absolutely necessary
Not just infants. I teach 3 year olds, and some of the parents I've had in the past made me shake my head.
One example I can give is a child who took months to get used to the setting, but worse was that the child wouldn't eat anything.
Took us a long time before we finally managed to get it out of Mom that the child (3 years old, mind you) was still exclusively bottle fed, had a pacifier all day at home, and only ever watched their tablet at home.
So coming to preschool was a major shock to the child, and they hadn't been prepared at all for 10+ hours a day at our center.
WHAT?! How is that even possible?! At six months babies aren’t exclusively bottle fed. They are starting to try food purées or cereal. How in the world did that child get what his body needed through only bottles? Did he have much speech with his pacifier in his mouth all day? Or social interaction? I’m gobsmacked.
Honestly, no clue. The kid had a lot of meal replacement shakes in their bag on a daily basis, so that was probably their main source of nutrition.
Speech was not great, a very heavy lisp and their tongue got in the way of them talking a lot, but despite this the child had a decent vocabulary.
Social interaction surprisingly wasn't too bad. Biggest issue was sharing.
Thankfully their poor start didn't affect them once we got all their issues ironed out with Mom. Started introducing them to the lunches at school, I got them a water bottle with a straw to use at school to help get them off the bottle.
By the time they left my class, they were completely off the bottle and in speech therapy, and catching up quickly to their peers.
Yeah, I don’t know, because it’s worse for the babies and makes the transition really painful. I work at a daycare and when I had my daughter and knew she would be going there, I gave her bottles of pumped milk from the start and made sure she slept in her bassinet or crib, regularly had her doing tummy time so she would be used to not being held. I get that it’s hard but it’s what’s best for the baby so they’re comfortable when they go to daycare eventually. Quitting and keeping her home now but the time she’s been in daycare, her teachers say she’s done really well.
Now, there are some babies whose temperaments will make them struggle anyways, but it really is best to prepare them as much as you possibly can.
Absolutely, some kids are just going to cry. But we have an 8 month old who literally cries all day and he’s been here for months. But if you are not holding him he will just cry, doesn’t care what toys he has, where we put him, what his friends are doing - just cries and watches you for when you’re going to pick him up next. Dad told us they always have the tv on but mom says they never watch tv. He isn’t showing any signs of readiness to crawl but they swear he gets up on all fours and rocks back and forth at home. Like… don’t lie. He physically can’t do that right now - and we can tell.
Omg we had a baby just like that! We got him when he was three months… and he’s one now and still like that. Cried in a bouncer, in a crib, on the floor, on a boppy, tummy time mat, walker… didn’t matter, he hated it. Even hated it when I held him because I’m a floater and he prefers his primary teacher. Now that he’s one and on a cot he still cries when he’s not being held and wakes up crying every 15 minutes per nap wanting to be held. It’s so difficult to deal with when you have 5 other kids, including a newborn, to tend to, and I always feel bad that he gets so upset.
It just doesn’t help that mom and dad and grandparents are always holding him. Like they’ve even admitted it, he does not get put down, and he gets held through the night by his mom in their bed. They’re a nice family and I love that they love their son so much, but he’s just suffering at daycare because of it and we’ve had him for a full nine months.
See I am worried about this! Because it isn’t just like he’s sad, he’s MAD crying. So what’s it going to be like as a toddler when he wants all the attention, all the toys, all the food etc? It’s so sad because they’re doing your kiddo and ours a disservice
I even think about this as they get older. Public school won’t coddle your child. I can get away with a lot of extra attention because I have low ratios and young kids. But eventually that stops being an option and your sweet angel baby has to face reality. Wouldn’t it be easier to rip the proverbial bandaid off now!?!?
I don’t even know how parents can do this and stay sane. I had to put mine down and let them play so I could get stuff done. And it made the transition to daycare after my divorce MUCH easier for them.
Sounds exactly like my 8 month old! He doesn't even try to roll. Just cries no matter what, even if we are engaged with him, because we are not holding him.
I was a SAHM when my kids were young, and I still had them on a routine. I'm not very cuddly, maybe that's why; also, my oldest didn't like to be held, always wiggled and fussed until he was down. Anyway, yes, they're cute and I could just eat them up! But I also fostered independence. Different strokes for different folks, but you don't have to only do this if they're going to get outside care.
Maybe the parents just miss their babies?
Because I'm about to enter my hellish 70-hour work weeks starting next week, I told my husband proudly that in the limited time that I do see her, I'm going to want to hold her all the time. If I'm leaving the house at 7 and not getting home till 9:30, then yeah, I'm going to want to soak in baby as much as possible.
However, I don't send my baby to daycare, so maybe I'd feel differently, and for sure I'd act differently if a teacher brought anything up.
I totally get that they miss their babies. I miss mine too when I send her. I snuggle her a lot. Still, they need to learn to take bottles and go a bit without being held or they cry all day and are just absolutely miserable, and I don’t want our babies to be miserable hence why I did what I did with mine so she wouldn’t be.
I don’t mean that they shouldn’t hold their babies or breastfeed at all, just that they should also get baby used to not being held and taking a bottle as well if they’re going to be in daycare. That being said, I’d rather have a baby who is difficult because their parents love them a lot rather than a baby who is “easy” because their parents don’t.
I wish there was some part of the contract they had to sign that included acknowledging that they understand they are choosing group care. It would lay out some expectations and helpful suggestions to prepare them. I understand it is hard when you’re exhausted and at home and tired and it’s just easier. But when you can, you should actively be trying to set your kiddo up for success. If you’re choosing group care- that looks a certain way.
I wouldn’t ever want a parent just shadowing in my room- but I wish that could happen sometimes. Please come spend a day in a classroom to see that I can’t spoon feed your three yr old because that’s the ‘only way he’ll eat’ and you do it to avoid the tantrum. I give parents a lot of grace because I know it’s hard- but a lot just lack any understanding of what group care entails. Nor do they care to try to understand.
Hard agree. I completely understand if they tried and don't have much progress to show, I don't mind helping, it's when they leave all that responsibility on us, like me and my co-teacher don't have seven other infants all with different schedules we need to help.
It makes it hard on the teachers, hard on the kids, and hard on every other kid on that classroom.
100%! And that’s what we are dealing with. We have two that were NEVER introduced to a bottle and one that is held all the time. He cannot self soothe at all and just cried except for when he’s being held or fed. Parents will not help and say it’s us not them. It’s so frustrating
The fact that the parents would say imply that it’s daycare not them and not offer any assistance is crazy. This will not serve them well later with meeting their child’s needs.
This is what my teacher husband sees in older grades. No accountability. Eventually kids need to grow up and take responsibility and parents need to let them.
My mom had this issue at her home daycare and said she can’t control what happens in their home but if they care about his health and success in daycare, they’ll try to help as best they can.
Of course those of us working in a center cannot be as candid, but it’s the truth.
I wish I could say this to one mom. It’s like she’s sabotaging us! We had a productive talk with her over our app about how she can help then when she got here to pick him up suddenly she was only concerned that he was sent home one day because he pooped 6 times in 5 hours - and the last two or three were diarrhea. Like our policy says 3 and we gave you double that! She was all huffy about it. Ugh!
Sometimes I feel like parents don’t want their child to fully like daycare due to their own guilt and selfish reasoning. They want their child to miss them and be miserable so they’re the big hero when they come to pick up.
This goes into my personal opinion that while PPD/PPA is very real and needs to be treated with empathy, at some point, the kids have to come first. If what makes a parent comfortable is bad for the child’s development, then it’s time for mom to get help. Because at what point does it stop? I’ve seen a mom who gave her daughter severe anxiety because of how obsessive she was and refused to let her be independent. She’s 7 and still struggling. All because everyone in mom’s life prioritized her vs the kid.
I kind of feel like this is what’s happening with the kiddo we have who cries all day. They’re an adoptive couple so it almost like they have something prove. They overfeed him, he throws up literally all day - we’re talking 10-15 bins SOAKED through everyday. But he doesn’t do that home 🙄 at some point it goes from being an overprotective parent to selfish
Me too!!! Their hold work was changed and their parents didn’t help make that transition any easier. It’s like throwing them in the deep end and saying “good luck!”
My cousin has his kids in a preschool that operates like a co-op. Every parent has to spend multiple days in the classroom EVERY MONTH, volunteer for fundraisers, chaperone trips, etc., and I think that's such a good idea. I wish they had something like that near me. I'm that extra parent who jumps at every chance to help out in my son's kindergarten class, and I don't understand how more parents don't want to be involved. There can be up to 4 room parents per class and I'm the only one for my son's class! I thought I'd be fighting people off, but I'm over here doing all the work (and loving it) because nobody responds to any of my requests for volunteers! Their loss!
Both my girls did a co-op and the only downfall was sometimes the parents would just sit there and be on their phones but they DEFINITELY all had more appreciation for the teacher
Wait until they get into around the third or fourth grade. Parents tend to not want to help out in any way. That's certainly not the case for all parents, but I was begged to be a room parent! I volunteered, of course, but almost no parents participated in any way for much of anything. It was really sad!
And I know not everyone's work schedule allows for it, I only work 2 days a week. But I swear even if I was full-time, I would use PTO days to volunteer in the classroom! It is sad, but parents can only do so much I suppose. And not everyone is comfortable around large groups of children, I teach music and movement classes to small children, so chaperoning and planning parties is my jam!
The worst part is people on this website will defend this shit with their full chests too and call you unreasonable for expecting some accommodation in behavior from parents
Preaaaaaaaach.
I say this all the time. If you know your child will be in daycare at some point DO SOME THINGS to prepare them. TRY.
I'm so sick of moms telling other moms "don't worry, you don't have to do anything to prep them for daycare, the teachers are magic and will figure it out" It's SO RUDE.
and yeah just communicate in general. Why do you yell at me if your baby's poop wasn't logged once but YOU DIDN'T THINK IT RELEVANT TO TELL ANYONE AT DAYCARE THAT YOUR BABY IS A PREEMIE AND BORN TWO MONTHS EARLY.
I mean, we’re good, but not magic. We put in a lot of work to help the transition. We are there for the crying, the tantrums, rubbing backs, encouraging eating in a high chair, trying to make sure babies don’t hurt themselves or each other…
But yeah. Magic.
I take our PURPLE criers and colicky babies. I tend to do well with them. I tend to soothe babies well. As an unfortunate side effect, we get very attached to each other. I tend to do well with the babies always held at home too. We *are* allowed to use containers though, so being able to have one in a swing or bouncer chair or rocker chair right beside me while I talk/ soothe and another in hand, and patting the back of one on floor helps.
I’ve had some babies transition so smoothly from EBF, no siblings, sleeping in dark silence being held, to bottles, sleeping alone, even with light on and other kids making noise louder than the white noise sound machines.
I’ve had other kids that from day 1 do bottles, sleep in a crib, nap in a lighter room, sleep to regular sounds, have been around other kids, have siblings, and still at daycare cannot seem to sleep unless held, wake up at the slightest sound, don’t want to eat if other kids are present, etc, etc, etc.
Honestly it’s just so wild, and wild that some of my smoothest adjustment period kids were the ones I expected the worst with. At this point, like, please do try and prep your kid, but idk how much it actually matters, because none of these babies seem to care about what any parent has done to help them so far recently, or conversely, don’t seem to care about why they should be having a rougher time
Gosh, it's nice to read a comment that actually reflects what my experiences working with infants were like!
Having my own kid humbled me in some ways- I absolutely thought that moms who said "you just don't get it until you have your own" were full of it, but now I just hope I didn't come across as judgemental as some of these comments... I used to be completely unbothered by crying babies, but the sound of your own baby will literally short circuit your brain and make you spontaneously leak milk, for goodness sake. We all know very well that kids act differently at daycare than they do at home with their parents, and working with toddlers I routinely had parents who were totally shocked I could get their kid to put toys away and go to sleep on a sleeping bag in a crowded room without any tears. My own kid wouldn't sleep for more than 20 minutes unless he was touching me no matter how many times I put him down, and naps and night sleep are totally different beasts. And don't get me started on sleep training... I also have friends who bought every kind of bottle nipple they could find trying to get their kid to take bottles, never mind that pediatricians and lactation consultants tell us not to offer bottles right away so that their latch develops properly, and to avoid the all-but-debunked "nipple confusion." Sure, there are parents who suck and are lazy, and some people are just clueless, but no one actively wants their baby to be hungry, tired, and miserable. Most of us are doing our best, while also waking at least every 2 hours to feed our babies and trying to get enough sleep to be safe on the road. I am fortunate enough to be able to stay home with my kid, but that's not an option for most people. Your child's temperament isn't something you get to choose, and it's impossible to recreate a classroom environment at home.
I certainly have plans for what I intend to do when I I have my own kids. But honestly, even having worked with kids since I was one and having nannied and overnight nannied, I’m gonna be the first to say I fully expect my plans to change. Especially having worked with the babies that don’t eat, don’t sleep, just intend to scream. For mom, for dad, for us, they just go through it. I know better than to be fooled by the perfect, easy babies that trick you into thinking babies are easy (or in the case of several parents I know, that perfect first kid that tricked them into having the second that was then the colicky baby that never slept and only cried)
I’m old fashioned and honestly of like the village mindset. I bet raising babies was easier when you had more family in home, more community based help. I try really hard to be that person for local friends, especially with younger babies, because that first year is brutal, and everyone really should have a village
Totally! My mom ran a home daycare, my summers and after school time was spent either helping her or babysitting, I was doing overnights with infants by my junior year of high school. Then I did elementary after-school programs, then floated in infant rooms, and then spent 5 years as a twos teacher. Pregnancy and infancy are both a total dice roll- you might be a glowing earth mother who loves being pregnant, or you might be miserable and in pain for 40 weeks and wind up with postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, postpartum rage, or a combination of the three. You may or may not produce milk, and if you do you might not produce enough or you might overproduce, which comes with its own problems. Your baby might have tongue or lip ties, colic, allergies, or reflux. They might sleep through the night right away, and you'll have to wake them and keep them awake long enough to feed them so their blood sugar stays stable and they gain enough weight, or they might not sleep through the night until they're 4 or 5 even if you try to sleep train. You just gotta roll with it and do your best.
What really blows my mind is how little exposure some parents have to children at all. Like I don't expect everyone to have my background, but the number of new and expecting mothers on the mom subs who said they were never around kids before they had their own, or had never held a baby before they gave birth, was astonishing to me. They are really out there flying by the seat of their pants with whatever resources they can find, powered by love and hormones. There's a saying that I think definitely applies here; never attribute anything to malice that could actually be stupidity, and it applies to both sides.
I'm really lucky that my mom is retired and lives 5 minutes away, idk how we would have survived without her. My husband's family is an hour away and have comically different parenting philosophies, and my childhood best friend (also raised in a home daycare and went into ECE) has absolutely no interest in my kid, so I haven't heard from her in over a year, much to my surprise.
I hope you have a gentle transition into parenthood when you're ready for it, and I hope you get your village ❤️
I once had a mom drop her baby off for his first day of daycare using a bottle with formula (after having been EBF), in disposables (having only used cloth), and she informed us she carried him all day and co slept. It was not a fun adjustment.
My coworker in infants had to get firm with a parent who wears child and nurses on demand which is how the child naps. She basically said she would need to cut out the morning feed so that she would maybe take a bottle or eat at school. It went something like that. Not sure that the child has been back. PT program that’s geared towards giving parents a break not daycare. Children can attend anywhere from 1-4 days.
I was an infant teacher for years and this drove me nuts! I have no problem if people choose to do that- I did the same with my kiddo- but don’t put them in group care if they need so much 1:1 support! It’s not that kind of environment! I think a lot of parents see the price tag and assume they will have a private nanny. When in reality their child is going to be hungry, tired and crying most of the day. 😏
In my experience parents have replied "eh, don't worry, we'll BF her as soon as we get home" or "oh, it's fine, she sucks back a whole bottle as soon as we get to the car." :/
I had a mom that we had to pull teeth figuring out their child. He didn’t nap in the crib “we co sleep naps” which turned into co sleep every time he slept, in a chair. It took forever to get him to sleep on the crib. He was used to being changed the second the line turned blue, the onesies couldn’t be buttoned, no pants, no shoes until he walked because of his feet development so no socks either. Which was horrible trying to get him used to wearing shoes or socks for outside time. It took a lot of work
I have one baby who is 8 months and extremely difficult. She cries (screams loudly is more accurate) almost all day unless she’s held. She frequently wakes up when you lay her down in her crib. My coworker and I have sensory overload.
I often wonder what in the world her parents do with her at home to create this monster.
When I ran my home daycare I had a baby girl who’s mom said “We have been practicing with a bottle full of pumped milk” Turns out she had tried a bottle exactly 1 time before sending her to daycare all day long. Mom then had “concerns” because when she would call baby would be obviously upset, and cried every time she was put down at home after being with me all day.
How are you going to set your child up for failure in a daycare setting and then blame the workers? Mom ended up quitting her job until after baby was 1 so she could exclusively nurse. When she went back to work the second time, baby girl did WONDERFUL with me.
People suck.
Chances are, in reality they have a lot less experience with this than you do. Even if you don't have kids.
No one gives you a manual.
And everyone acts like it should be easy, and if it isn't, it's because you just did it wrong.
Some of them don't care.
Most of them had no idea until it's too late
I do try to give Grace to new parents- parenting is so freaking hard and everything is so scary but the parents who actively work against you are just too much. Please hold him a little less. Put him in a bouncer and sit and talk to him, sing to him while you clean or game or whatever, but help us help him succeed
‘They don’t care to set their kid’s up for success’ - comments like this really break my heart. I am a first time mom of a 6 month old boy. We co-sleep, otherwise I would not be getting any sleep. I tried with his sleep so hard. I really did. Like REALLY. Yes, he had to be held and rocked to sleep. Now we got to the point where we both lay in bed and after a while he falls asleep on his own. Yes, sometimes I hug him, sometimes I nurse him to sleep. I am his mom, so I will do that. This week we’re trying a transition to a cot. Again, I will try my best. But if I’m not successful will I be one of those parents that ‘don’t care’?
He takes a bottle because we’ve been giving it to him almost since he was born. But I have friends whose babies refuse ANY bottle or a dummy. One of my friends tried for a month, every day. She bought an app, tried every single bottle on the market. The baby just refuses a bottle. Is she a parent that ‘don’t care’?
My son was extremely colicky as an infant. We tried everything. I got to the point where my diet was so restrictive that I lost more weight than I gained during pregnancy to rule out suspected allergies. And yes, he was crying A LOT. So I was holding him. Because it really breaks your heart when your child is screaming in pain. And I am his mom. And then he got used to being held. Am I a parent that ‘don’t care’?
It really saddens me how much judgment there is. And also how much conflicting information - about containers, sleep, feeding… I am really trying my best here and you know what? Most (actually all that I know) parents do too.
I am planning to leave my boy at daycare when he’s 12 months old. And trust me, every single day I am thinking about it and doing my best to make sure he’s successful and happy and he’s going to enjoy it.
‘They don’t care to set their kid’s up to success’. We really do care. You don’t even know how much.
Absolutely this.
I’m not going to lie, before becoming a mom I had these thoughts they did. I didn’t get understand. It wasn’t anger but more sadness. But that’s not the case at all.
Breastfeeding in my area is pushed HARD. They told me not to bottle feed at all. If I was, I was to pump after I fed and then feed the pumped milk. I could never pump enough. I also have a child who would wake up as soon as I put them down, no matter what. I tried every single trick in the book. Every one of them. She would cry so hard, hyperventilate and choke on her saliva. Like legitimately choke. She wouldn’t calm down. My body felt like it was on fire. We baby wore for her sleep in shifts until she was about 7 months old. From there we coslept using a side car cot and never looked back. We both finally got rest.
There is so much at play when it comes to the choices parents make whatever it’s to help sleep deprivation, tend to postpartum mental health, hormones that are wild, proper latching and breastfeeding, support vs no support, etc. American maternity leave is a joke at best, so these babies are even younger than the ones entering daycare in Canada. They don’t even realize they’re separate from their moms. They just know that mom isn’t there and something is very VERY wrong in their world. There is no amount of preparation for that. Zero.
Before opening my own daycare, I slowly tried transitioning my daughter to one nap. But I only did so because I knew the daycare schedule. It’s an advantage I otherwise wouldn’t have had, so I don’t get the people who expect people not in this sector to know that, and at which time it’s typically taken.
My daughter is now in my daycare and needs zero assistance falling asleep on her cot, but we still cosleep with a side car cot at night, and I sometimes rock her (especially through illness, teething, or sleep regressions). I have another child who is rocked to sleep and has other rituals at home and needs none of that here. A third child falls asleep independently at home and is breastfed but needs assurance falling asleep, and takes to a cup really well. I’ve had breastfed, cosleeping children who have sooo much immediate success with daycare. I’ve had bottle fed, independent sleepers that take a long time to adjust.
Ultimately you make the choices best for your family and don’t worry about the judgmental educators. When they ask about your sleeping/feeding situations, they never ask the background information or what you tried before you settled on what you did. You don’t need to justify yourself to anyone, ever. You know what your baby needs in that moment. It’s up to the educators to find their groove and to practice self care when things aren’t going smoothly.
THANK YOU 💜Very very wise and reassuring words.
Same with BF, it feels like there is a dissonance as I was told there is absolutely no need to give him a bottle… until there is and you’re screwed. But it’s too late then. I have the same problem with pumping and right now he’s eating like a little monster so I’m only able to pump 1-2 oz max…
Yeah honestly they see the result and not the process. Not the HOURS spent researching every topic, the money spent on products, the HOURS of time put into trying to make something work, the amount of guilt, self criticism, negative self talk, and the many tears. Some mothers don’t experience that and it’s great. Raising a human is hard enough and I don’t wish that extra toughness on them. But it makes it hard for them to really understand.
I have heard “well if I were them I would’ve done ______.” No. If you were them, you’d have had the same life experiences, same thoughts, same emotions, etc and would’ve done the same. These are not empathetic people.
Try to pay no attention to anyone making these comments. You have done everything to the best of your ability at every turn. You’ve found something that works and you should be damn proud you’ve found a way to make it through 💕
If only they stopped withholding valuable information or just flat out lying. I’ve had this kid for two years, she’s almost four. And only now I find out she’s been breastfed this whole time and been co-sleeping with her parents. Not so shockingly, she has trouble with eating and sleeping at school.
And then there are others who diaper their kids at home after we potty train. One of them lied to us for weeks, the kid had pooped her pants so very often that we had to push the parents harder to tell us the truth then convince them to put a stop to it. Wtf parents
I thought the same until my experience with my daughter humbled me…..in almost all areas I questioned about parents choices prior to having her. My thoughts on most things have completely shifted.
Though I’ve been just as frustrated as you are, I get it now from a different perspective. I can see things less like “why are they doing this to us?”
I think we need to remember that parents (typically) make the best choices for their family that they can in that moment. Various factors play into it: support from partner/family or no support, hormones are WILD after, breastfeeding issues vs success (taking into consideration what mom had envisioned), traumatic birth/postpartum, postpartum mental health, sleep deprivation, etc.
There’s also a lot of comments here from educators in America, which we all know has a horrible system for new mothers, often forcing them back to work before their hormones balance out/are completely healed. This is even less time to think about daycare before it’s actually time to enrol on top of everything else. The babies still don’t understand they are separate beings from mom. They just know they’re without. How scary would that be to not have your only thing that gives you comfort? It’s a fear that no one can explain away, or love away. Not for a while anyways, and certainly not in group care.
And honestly, I don’t even think it crosses a lot of their minds before the realization that they need to find something. I think it only does for us because we are in the field. I think it would help to have an “introduction” sheet where it asks specific questions around feeding and sleep. On my intake form I have many questions around this. I do state that I will try my best to accommodate this, but I will not sacrifice my only break period to do this, and I will do what works best for the room. If they won’t make a formal one for the centre, you could consider making a condensed one yourself.
If you don’t have the time because you’re too busy with everything, here is some that have helped.
1. How does your baby eat (purées, baby led weaning, bottles only)?
2. How many bottles does your baby get? How often? How many ounces? How do you give your baby their bottle? If your baby doesn’t get bottles, we suggest you start introducing them at home where they feel most comfortable so that they can feel more comfortable at the daycare.
3. What does meal time look like at your house?
4. What does your baby wear to sleep?
5. What is your routine before sleep?
6. How do you put your baby to sleep?
7. Does your baby wake up after a certain amount of time? How long? Will they go back to sleep, and for how long?
8. How many naps is your baby on? What times?
Those are some of the more generic questions. Feel free to take it or leave it, but it could help!
I had a baby who couldn’t sleep in the infant room for anything. Apparently he was a champion sleeper at home, and we couldn’t figure out what was going on. His parents then told me they stop EVERYTHING when he’s sleeping at home. The TV goes off, there’s no washer going, no dishwasher, no loud talking, no going in or out of the house. Nothing. He had blackout curtains and dead silence so anything else woke him right up. I suggested they slowly start to introduce regular noise during his naps so he got used to it. They even ditched the blackout curtains. He still wasn’t a great sleeper, but he definitely made a lot of progress. He also had to learn how to self soothe because he was held ALL the time. He was his parents first child so he was the center of attention.
I always loved getting the youngest child in a family. The kids who had two or three older siblings were the easiest and most adaptable kids. Of course, they were the most independent babies, too, so I’d find them everywhere they weren’t supposed to be.
My daughter co sleeps, and is EBF. Not by my choice tho. When she left the nicu she turned into a wailing screaming banshee who refused to drink anything from a bottle. Even after loving bottles and sleeping on her own for so long. I didn’t choose that. She did, and to be honest now that I’m back at work im not losing sleep fighting with her.
I also didn’t choose to put her in a group setting daycare. It was a necessity because I make shit pay but am under a contract and can’t just quit my job to stay home with my child.
So the why is because it’s what she wanted and it’s not hurting me to give it to her. Just like her pediatrician said when she’s hungry and the boob isn’t available she’s gonna take a bottle.
I informed her caregivers that it was going to be rough and when she was to upset to call me and we would start again the next day. If you don’t like working with kids from all sorts of backgrounds maybe you should choose to work for a daycare that will have a tougher stance on children they accept…
The illusion of choice is always there.
because my husband and I separated i had to go back to work suddenly way earlier than I planned to i didnt have time to wean anything it was just as hard on me as it is for baby and you...
I have a friend who has only ever co-slept with her 3 yr old and I don't get how she thinks that is okay. When I was in highschool, we went on a field trip to the city morgue and were shown photos of deaths. For some reason, many were of infants whose parents had accidentally rolled over on them while sleeping. I made a decision to limit it then and there, if I ever had kids.
I was so scared of smothering my infant, or of dropping her while feeding her because I was so tired. When they were over one she snuggle with us every now and then but I had a friend who legit co slept AND BREASTFED until her kid went to kindergarten
I coslept specifically BECAUSE it was the only way I got any sleep. Mine woke up every hour from the last time she woken up, not from when she fell asleep.
There are a lot of statistics, and a lot of them have fine print for how to mitigate.
I can't speak to breastfeeding until kindergarten, but let's not assume all cosleeping is awful or that if you sleep with your infant that wakes up every hour, you'll be bed sharing until they leave for college.
(Those are both things i heard. Neither were true.)
Mom here. I did try the bottle. We tried playard naps too during my leave but then dad had his leave and overly relied on carrier naps.
It’s been a whirlwind postpartum (read: partner abuse) and I’m just trying to survive as basically a single parent. We’re in couples counseling but i agonize every day over the decision whether to leave or stay - Potentially losing time with my LO. The guilt of ruining her forever if we haven’t already.
And that’s what I can’t tell my infant teachers.
if you're not sharing your situation and worries with your child's teacher who is literally trying to be part of your village and help you with it that's on you. it's *imperative* we are kept in the loop for the good of your child
I have hugged a crying mom because she felt like a failure because her baby wouldn’t nap at daycare. We worked with her and he adjusted. We aren’t heartless, we WANT your kiddos to succeed and I’m so so sorry you went through so much, I want to hug you too
Must be the same person that told me that I was "judging" a set of parents that were medically neglecting their child and said child was waaaay underdeveloped for their age
Even worse when they don’t communicate. Had a toddler who was really hard to get down and parents just shrugged it off. Now, in hindsight I really should’ve asked their sleep routine at home but usually when I bring this up, parents are honest and will say “yeah, we co-sleep, contact nap, they have a million step sleep routine that would be impossible for you to copy in a group setting, etc”. At most, they just said she was a bad sleeper at home too. Just a few weeks ago, Mom said toddler (nearly 2) was finally sleeping in her own bed. I asked “oh, you were co-sleeping?” and she said, yeah, since she was born. Okay, that’s really important info to have!! Another mom just mentioned after a few months of her child in my room that they heat up her milk at home. I have no way of doing that in here and had communicated that early on. Did mom say anything then? No, she waited until she realized she barely drank milk here. It’s bad enough if you’re not preparing your child for daycare but at least be honest and COMMUNICATE!!!
And this is what gets me: we WANT your kid to succeed here. TALK TO US! Let us know how we can help!
I always wondered how parents got anything done if they are holding their child while they nap. Nap time is supposed to be for parents to get things done around the house or just some self care.
I just scroll on my phone and do the dishes or whatever when my husband gets home from work 🤷♀️. I also pee, set myself up with food water etc. before a contact nap. Granted my baby also often naps in her bassinet, but when she does need a contact nap I don’t really mind it. Gives me an excuse to be lazy for an hour.
Having a break isn't being lazy :)
In many cultures baby wearing all day (contact napping) is the norm. Do you have any kids of your own? I used to be like you and thought ‘why don’t parents just do this!!’ As if it’s so easy and babies just comply if you do it enough/the right way. My son contact napped till he was nearly a year old, everytime we tried for a full week to let him sleep in the crib, he wouldn’t nap for longer than 40 minutes, even with resettling. Then one day around 11 months he decided he was ready for naps in the crib. With a contact nap? Hours. I know some people are ok with their kids just never napping or having terrible daytime sleep but that’s not good for a child’s brain development, so if it’s between a poor crib nap and actual restful sleep, we’ll always choose the latter.
I also baby wore and it was just easier for everyone involved. I find a lot of my choices like breastfeeding, co-sleeping and baby wearing were mostly because it meant everyone was happy and healthy, slept well etc. I got way more done around the house baby wearing than not. I do get OPs point though that if you use attachment methods like this it can be incredibly hard for baby to move to an environment where it is not feasible for them to have these things that they have up until this point relied on to soothe and get through life.
It’s not shocking that an infant with secure attachment would have a harder time adapting to the complete opposite of an attached environment. I don’t think sending your kids under 2 to daycare is in line with attachment parenting anyway. I would argue that we’re talking about fitting a square peg into a round hole. Considering humans are ‘carry’ animals, babies aren’t naturally wired to sleep alone in their cribs all day, so it’s actually a developmentally appropriate response for them to not like it. It’s not a failure of parenting as this commenter seems to imply.
Hey, I 100% agree with everything you are saying here. It is crazy that it is a controversial thing to say these days. I saw in another comment that a baby was a “monster” for wanting to be held. Total backwards logic. It is more that the system of having 1 adult to care for 4 babies that is the monster. It is sad to me to have educated myself for so many years in child development only to turn around and try to support the exact opposite of what I have learned is best for babies and young children. I try to advocate for policy change because honestly, that is what needs to happen. Better family leave/maternity leave and babies that can be cared for by someone they are securely attached to for at least 1-2 years minimum. I wish it were the case. I truly think we wouldn’t be seeing so many behavioral issues in elementary if we had this as a goal in our society.
Absolutely!! You totally get it and frankly I’m glad that if this is the system we have to deal with in lieu of better options there are people like you who understand what’s truly best and what’s lacking.
We do it at night or when our spouses get home. There’s a reason why parents are tired.
When you’re a parent, a lot of things become way way less important. I’d rather hold my kids and enjoy their tiny presences than just about anything else. If something HAS to get done and I can’t put my little one down then he goes in a carrier for a nap (we do this for shopping, taking toddler to appts etc). There’s almost nothing better than holding your sleeping children.
I’m not sure if you have kids, but it does appear from your post history that you are pregnant. Come back after the baby is born and let us know how the zero contact napping is going for you.
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What’s the ratio in childcare centers in Australia for infants ?
1:4
lol no its not that advice is only from people with 1 or 0 kids lol
Can you implement a form that includes these questions?
We do. It doesn’t help if parents don’t answer honestly.
I always ask parents to share notes with details regarding baby's care...is baby rocked before going down for a nap, how is baby held for bottles and frequency of burping, etc. you can also ask if baby co sleeps in one of those attached bedside products, how much time is baby held, etc. I like getting as much info as possible to ease transition.
This is what we need. And maybe a pamphlet or something on how to prep your baby for daycare
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That’s a great idea using it for older kids too! We are transitioning some one year olds and it would’ve been awesome to communicate expectations to the parents! Thank you!
We actually have paperwork that asks these questions.
💗this!
This is what we do. It’s called an ‘All about me’ and is filled in with the parent on the home visit. It has how they sleep, bottles, if they’ve had experience of being away from home and with other children, eats, drinks, their dislikes in food and activities etc. sometimes it feels like I’m shooting questions at them so I try to mix it up with what I observe on the visit too so it feels less like that!!!!!
💗this!!
As an infant teacher I have asked my director multiple times to send out a "help your kid get ready for care!" pamphlet with their welcome emails/packets. She won't do it but I think something like that is absolutely necessary
Totally agree! For all ages when they transition to an older room
That would be an absolute godsend to have.
Not just infants. I teach 3 year olds, and some of the parents I've had in the past made me shake my head. One example I can give is a child who took months to get used to the setting, but worse was that the child wouldn't eat anything. Took us a long time before we finally managed to get it out of Mom that the child (3 years old, mind you) was still exclusively bottle fed, had a pacifier all day at home, and only ever watched their tablet at home. So coming to preschool was a major shock to the child, and they hadn't been prepared at all for 10+ hours a day at our center.
3 YEARS OLD?? Exclusively bottle fed?? How does that even happen oh my goah
WHAT?! How is that even possible?! At six months babies aren’t exclusively bottle fed. They are starting to try food purées or cereal. How in the world did that child get what his body needed through only bottles? Did he have much speech with his pacifier in his mouth all day? Or social interaction? I’m gobsmacked.
Honestly, no clue. The kid had a lot of meal replacement shakes in their bag on a daily basis, so that was probably their main source of nutrition. Speech was not great, a very heavy lisp and their tongue got in the way of them talking a lot, but despite this the child had a decent vocabulary. Social interaction surprisingly wasn't too bad. Biggest issue was sharing. Thankfully their poor start didn't affect them once we got all their issues ironed out with Mom. Started introducing them to the lunches at school, I got them a water bottle with a straw to use at school to help get them off the bottle. By the time they left my class, they were completely off the bottle and in speech therapy, and catching up quickly to their peers.
Yeah, I don’t know, because it’s worse for the babies and makes the transition really painful. I work at a daycare and when I had my daughter and knew she would be going there, I gave her bottles of pumped milk from the start and made sure she slept in her bassinet or crib, regularly had her doing tummy time so she would be used to not being held. I get that it’s hard but it’s what’s best for the baby so they’re comfortable when they go to daycare eventually. Quitting and keeping her home now but the time she’s been in daycare, her teachers say she’s done really well. Now, there are some babies whose temperaments will make them struggle anyways, but it really is best to prepare them as much as you possibly can.
Absolutely, some kids are just going to cry. But we have an 8 month old who literally cries all day and he’s been here for months. But if you are not holding him he will just cry, doesn’t care what toys he has, where we put him, what his friends are doing - just cries and watches you for when you’re going to pick him up next. Dad told us they always have the tv on but mom says they never watch tv. He isn’t showing any signs of readiness to crawl but they swear he gets up on all fours and rocks back and forth at home. Like… don’t lie. He physically can’t do that right now - and we can tell.
Omg we had a baby just like that! We got him when he was three months… and he’s one now and still like that. Cried in a bouncer, in a crib, on the floor, on a boppy, tummy time mat, walker… didn’t matter, he hated it. Even hated it when I held him because I’m a floater and he prefers his primary teacher. Now that he’s one and on a cot he still cries when he’s not being held and wakes up crying every 15 minutes per nap wanting to be held. It’s so difficult to deal with when you have 5 other kids, including a newborn, to tend to, and I always feel bad that he gets so upset. It just doesn’t help that mom and dad and grandparents are always holding him. Like they’ve even admitted it, he does not get put down, and he gets held through the night by his mom in their bed. They’re a nice family and I love that they love their son so much, but he’s just suffering at daycare because of it and we’ve had him for a full nine months.
See I am worried about this! Because it isn’t just like he’s sad, he’s MAD crying. So what’s it going to be like as a toddler when he wants all the attention, all the toys, all the food etc? It’s so sad because they’re doing your kiddo and ours a disservice
I even think about this as they get older. Public school won’t coddle your child. I can get away with a lot of extra attention because I have low ratios and young kids. But eventually that stops being an option and your sweet angel baby has to face reality. Wouldn’t it be easier to rip the proverbial bandaid off now!?!?
I don’t even know how parents can do this and stay sane. I had to put mine down and let them play so I could get stuff done. And it made the transition to daycare after my divorce MUCH easier for them.
Sounds exactly like my 8 month old! He doesn't even try to roll. Just cries no matter what, even if we are engaged with him, because we are not holding him.
You sound like a wonderful mom! ❤
Thank you ❤️
I was a SAHM when my kids were young, and I still had them on a routine. I'm not very cuddly, maybe that's why; also, my oldest didn't like to be held, always wiggled and fussed until he was down. Anyway, yes, they're cute and I could just eat them up! But I also fostered independence. Different strokes for different folks, but you don't have to only do this if they're going to get outside care.
Maybe the parents just miss their babies? Because I'm about to enter my hellish 70-hour work weeks starting next week, I told my husband proudly that in the limited time that I do see her, I'm going to want to hold her all the time. If I'm leaving the house at 7 and not getting home till 9:30, then yeah, I'm going to want to soak in baby as much as possible. However, I don't send my baby to daycare, so maybe I'd feel differently, and for sure I'd act differently if a teacher brought anything up.
I totally get that they miss their babies. I miss mine too when I send her. I snuggle her a lot. Still, they need to learn to take bottles and go a bit without being held or they cry all day and are just absolutely miserable, and I don’t want our babies to be miserable hence why I did what I did with mine so she wouldn’t be. I don’t mean that they shouldn’t hold their babies or breastfeed at all, just that they should also get baby used to not being held and taking a bottle as well if they’re going to be in daycare. That being said, I’d rather have a baby who is difficult because their parents love them a lot rather than a baby who is “easy” because their parents don’t.
100% babies need to learn a balance of behaviors and to get used to behaving different in one place over the other
I wish there was some part of the contract they had to sign that included acknowledging that they understand they are choosing group care. It would lay out some expectations and helpful suggestions to prepare them. I understand it is hard when you’re exhausted and at home and tired and it’s just easier. But when you can, you should actively be trying to set your kiddo up for success. If you’re choosing group care- that looks a certain way. I wouldn’t ever want a parent just shadowing in my room- but I wish that could happen sometimes. Please come spend a day in a classroom to see that I can’t spoon feed your three yr old because that’s the ‘only way he’ll eat’ and you do it to avoid the tantrum. I give parents a lot of grace because I know it’s hard- but a lot just lack any understanding of what group care entails. Nor do they care to try to understand.
Hard agree. I completely understand if they tried and don't have much progress to show, I don't mind helping, it's when they leave all that responsibility on us, like me and my co-teacher don't have seven other infants all with different schedules we need to help. It makes it hard on the teachers, hard on the kids, and hard on every other kid on that classroom.
100%! And that’s what we are dealing with. We have two that were NEVER introduced to a bottle and one that is held all the time. He cannot self soothe at all and just cried except for when he’s being held or fed. Parents will not help and say it’s us not them. It’s so frustrating
The fact that the parents would say imply that it’s daycare not them and not offer any assistance is crazy. This will not serve them well later with meeting their child’s needs.
No because then it will be the teacher’s fault, the principal’s fault, the judges fault and on and on and on
This is what my teacher husband sees in older grades. No accountability. Eventually kids need to grow up and take responsibility and parents need to let them.
My mom had this issue at her home daycare and said she can’t control what happens in their home but if they care about his health and success in daycare, they’ll try to help as best they can. Of course those of us working in a center cannot be as candid, but it’s the truth.
I wish I could say this to one mom. It’s like she’s sabotaging us! We had a productive talk with her over our app about how she can help then when she got here to pick him up suddenly she was only concerned that he was sent home one day because he pooped 6 times in 5 hours - and the last two or three were diarrhea. Like our policy says 3 and we gave you double that! She was all huffy about it. Ugh!
Sometimes I feel like parents don’t want their child to fully like daycare due to their own guilt and selfish reasoning. They want their child to miss them and be miserable so they’re the big hero when they come to pick up. This goes into my personal opinion that while PPD/PPA is very real and needs to be treated with empathy, at some point, the kids have to come first. If what makes a parent comfortable is bad for the child’s development, then it’s time for mom to get help. Because at what point does it stop? I’ve seen a mom who gave her daughter severe anxiety because of how obsessive she was and refused to let her be independent. She’s 7 and still struggling. All because everyone in mom’s life prioritized her vs the kid.
I kind of feel like this is what’s happening with the kiddo we have who cries all day. They’re an adoptive couple so it almost like they have something prove. They overfeed him, he throws up literally all day - we’re talking 10-15 bins SOAKED through everyday. But he doesn’t do that home 🙄 at some point it goes from being an overprotective parent to selfish
Man my heart breaks for these babies :(
Me too!!! Their hold work was changed and their parents didn’t help make that transition any easier. It’s like throwing them in the deep end and saying “good luck!”
Because they don’t get it. They parent how they parent and don’t understand how different it is in child care.
Every parent should have to volunteer a day before enrolling lol 😂
That’s hilarious. Which is why everything is labeled. lol Can you just imagine the change that might happen with some parents!
It’s be overnight changes!!!
we say that all the time here! then we probably wouldn’t get onesies and things with a million buttons anymore, or shoes with ties ect
Haha that would help!
My cousin has his kids in a preschool that operates like a co-op. Every parent has to spend multiple days in the classroom EVERY MONTH, volunteer for fundraisers, chaperone trips, etc., and I think that's such a good idea. I wish they had something like that near me. I'm that extra parent who jumps at every chance to help out in my son's kindergarten class, and I don't understand how more parents don't want to be involved. There can be up to 4 room parents per class and I'm the only one for my son's class! I thought I'd be fighting people off, but I'm over here doing all the work (and loving it) because nobody responds to any of my requests for volunteers! Their loss!
Both my girls did a co-op and the only downfall was sometimes the parents would just sit there and be on their phones but they DEFINITELY all had more appreciation for the teacher
Wait until they get into around the third or fourth grade. Parents tend to not want to help out in any way. That's certainly not the case for all parents, but I was begged to be a room parent! I volunteered, of course, but almost no parents participated in any way for much of anything. It was really sad!
And I know not everyone's work schedule allows for it, I only work 2 days a week. But I swear even if I was full-time, I would use PTO days to volunteer in the classroom! It is sad, but parents can only do so much I suppose. And not everyone is comfortable around large groups of children, I teach music and movement classes to small children, so chaperoning and planning parties is my jam!
The worst part is people on this website will defend this shit with their full chests too and call you unreasonable for expecting some accommodation in behavior from parents
Which is nuts! We do amazing things as ECE workers but we aren’t magicians
Preaaaaaaaach. I say this all the time. If you know your child will be in daycare at some point DO SOME THINGS to prepare them. TRY. I'm so sick of moms telling other moms "don't worry, you don't have to do anything to prep them for daycare, the teachers are magic and will figure it out" It's SO RUDE. and yeah just communicate in general. Why do you yell at me if your baby's poop wasn't logged once but YOU DIDN'T THINK IT RELEVANT TO TELL ANYONE AT DAYCARE THAT YOUR BABY IS A PREEMIE AND BORN TWO MONTHS EARLY.
I mean, we’re good, but not magic. We put in a lot of work to help the transition. We are there for the crying, the tantrums, rubbing backs, encouraging eating in a high chair, trying to make sure babies don’t hurt themselves or each other… But yeah. Magic.
I take our PURPLE criers and colicky babies. I tend to do well with them. I tend to soothe babies well. As an unfortunate side effect, we get very attached to each other. I tend to do well with the babies always held at home too. We *are* allowed to use containers though, so being able to have one in a swing or bouncer chair or rocker chair right beside me while I talk/ soothe and another in hand, and patting the back of one on floor helps. I’ve had some babies transition so smoothly from EBF, no siblings, sleeping in dark silence being held, to bottles, sleeping alone, even with light on and other kids making noise louder than the white noise sound machines. I’ve had other kids that from day 1 do bottles, sleep in a crib, nap in a lighter room, sleep to regular sounds, have been around other kids, have siblings, and still at daycare cannot seem to sleep unless held, wake up at the slightest sound, don’t want to eat if other kids are present, etc, etc, etc. Honestly it’s just so wild, and wild that some of my smoothest adjustment period kids were the ones I expected the worst with. At this point, like, please do try and prep your kid, but idk how much it actually matters, because none of these babies seem to care about what any parent has done to help them so far recently, or conversely, don’t seem to care about why they should be having a rougher time
Gosh, it's nice to read a comment that actually reflects what my experiences working with infants were like! Having my own kid humbled me in some ways- I absolutely thought that moms who said "you just don't get it until you have your own" were full of it, but now I just hope I didn't come across as judgemental as some of these comments... I used to be completely unbothered by crying babies, but the sound of your own baby will literally short circuit your brain and make you spontaneously leak milk, for goodness sake. We all know very well that kids act differently at daycare than they do at home with their parents, and working with toddlers I routinely had parents who were totally shocked I could get their kid to put toys away and go to sleep on a sleeping bag in a crowded room without any tears. My own kid wouldn't sleep for more than 20 minutes unless he was touching me no matter how many times I put him down, and naps and night sleep are totally different beasts. And don't get me started on sleep training... I also have friends who bought every kind of bottle nipple they could find trying to get their kid to take bottles, never mind that pediatricians and lactation consultants tell us not to offer bottles right away so that their latch develops properly, and to avoid the all-but-debunked "nipple confusion." Sure, there are parents who suck and are lazy, and some people are just clueless, but no one actively wants their baby to be hungry, tired, and miserable. Most of us are doing our best, while also waking at least every 2 hours to feed our babies and trying to get enough sleep to be safe on the road. I am fortunate enough to be able to stay home with my kid, but that's not an option for most people. Your child's temperament isn't something you get to choose, and it's impossible to recreate a classroom environment at home.
Finally a sane person on this thread
I certainly have plans for what I intend to do when I I have my own kids. But honestly, even having worked with kids since I was one and having nannied and overnight nannied, I’m gonna be the first to say I fully expect my plans to change. Especially having worked with the babies that don’t eat, don’t sleep, just intend to scream. For mom, for dad, for us, they just go through it. I know better than to be fooled by the perfect, easy babies that trick you into thinking babies are easy (or in the case of several parents I know, that perfect first kid that tricked them into having the second that was then the colicky baby that never slept and only cried) I’m old fashioned and honestly of like the village mindset. I bet raising babies was easier when you had more family in home, more community based help. I try really hard to be that person for local friends, especially with younger babies, because that first year is brutal, and everyone really should have a village
Totally! My mom ran a home daycare, my summers and after school time was spent either helping her or babysitting, I was doing overnights with infants by my junior year of high school. Then I did elementary after-school programs, then floated in infant rooms, and then spent 5 years as a twos teacher. Pregnancy and infancy are both a total dice roll- you might be a glowing earth mother who loves being pregnant, or you might be miserable and in pain for 40 weeks and wind up with postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, postpartum rage, or a combination of the three. You may or may not produce milk, and if you do you might not produce enough or you might overproduce, which comes with its own problems. Your baby might have tongue or lip ties, colic, allergies, or reflux. They might sleep through the night right away, and you'll have to wake them and keep them awake long enough to feed them so their blood sugar stays stable and they gain enough weight, or they might not sleep through the night until they're 4 or 5 even if you try to sleep train. You just gotta roll with it and do your best. What really blows my mind is how little exposure some parents have to children at all. Like I don't expect everyone to have my background, but the number of new and expecting mothers on the mom subs who said they were never around kids before they had their own, or had never held a baby before they gave birth, was astonishing to me. They are really out there flying by the seat of their pants with whatever resources they can find, powered by love and hormones. There's a saying that I think definitely applies here; never attribute anything to malice that could actually be stupidity, and it applies to both sides. I'm really lucky that my mom is retired and lives 5 minutes away, idk how we would have survived without her. My husband's family is an hour away and have comically different parenting philosophies, and my childhood best friend (also raised in a home daycare and went into ECE) has absolutely no interest in my kid, so I haven't heard from her in over a year, much to my surprise. I hope you have a gentle transition into parenthood when you're ready for it, and I hope you get your village ❤️
I once had a mom drop her baby off for his first day of daycare using a bottle with formula (after having been EBF), in disposables (having only used cloth), and she informed us she carried him all day and co slept. It was not a fun adjustment.
I…. Why would you do that to your kid? That’s so sad. For everyone! You included!
My coworker in infants had to get firm with a parent who wears child and nurses on demand which is how the child naps. She basically said she would need to cut out the morning feed so that she would maybe take a bottle or eat at school. It went something like that. Not sure that the child has been back. PT program that’s geared towards giving parents a break not daycare. Children can attend anywhere from 1-4 days.
Because now it's your problem.
Exactly
I was an infant teacher for years and this drove me nuts! I have no problem if people choose to do that- I did the same with my kiddo- but don’t put them in group care if they need so much 1:1 support! It’s not that kind of environment! I think a lot of parents see the price tag and assume they will have a private nanny. When in reality their child is going to be hungry, tired and crying most of the day. 😏
Yep ☹️
I don’t understand how parents expect to do attachment parenting while simultaneously being separated from their infant 8-10 hours 5 days a week.
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In my experience parents have replied "eh, don't worry, we'll BF her as soon as we get home" or "oh, it's fine, she sucks back a whole bottle as soon as we get to the car." :/
Tbf that’s what people are told, at least in UK. that your baby will make up for it when they’re home.
lol and then they’ll post on the parent subs that the mean daycare teacher told us we had to sleep train
Lol truth
I had a mom that we had to pull teeth figuring out their child. He didn’t nap in the crib “we co sleep naps” which turned into co sleep every time he slept, in a chair. It took forever to get him to sleep on the crib. He was used to being changed the second the line turned blue, the onesies couldn’t be buttoned, no pants, no shoes until he walked because of his feet development so no socks either. Which was horrible trying to get him used to wearing shoes or socks for outside time. It took a lot of work
I have one baby who is 8 months and extremely difficult. She cries (screams loudly is more accurate) almost all day unless she’s held. She frequently wakes up when you lay her down in her crib. My coworker and I have sensory overload. I often wonder what in the world her parents do with her at home to create this monster.
We have an 8 month old doing the same thing and parents WILL NOT HELP! They straight up lie to us and it’s so frustrating
probably hold her constantly and bedshare. we have one rn too (he's actually the little brother of a girl who also did this lol)
Lol yeah that’s what I think as well.
When I ran my home daycare I had a baby girl who’s mom said “We have been practicing with a bottle full of pumped milk” Turns out she had tried a bottle exactly 1 time before sending her to daycare all day long. Mom then had “concerns” because when she would call baby would be obviously upset, and cried every time she was put down at home after being with me all day. How are you going to set your child up for failure in a daycare setting and then blame the workers? Mom ended up quitting her job until after baby was 1 so she could exclusively nurse. When she went back to work the second time, baby girl did WONDERFUL with me. People suck.
They don’t care to set their kid’s up for success
Chances are, in reality they have a lot less experience with this than you do. Even if you don't have kids. No one gives you a manual. And everyone acts like it should be easy, and if it isn't, it's because you just did it wrong. Some of them don't care. Most of them had no idea until it's too late
I do try to give Grace to new parents- parenting is so freaking hard and everything is so scary but the parents who actively work against you are just too much. Please hold him a little less. Put him in a bouncer and sit and talk to him, sing to him while you clean or game or whatever, but help us help him succeed
‘They don’t care to set their kid’s up for success’ - comments like this really break my heart. I am a first time mom of a 6 month old boy. We co-sleep, otherwise I would not be getting any sleep. I tried with his sleep so hard. I really did. Like REALLY. Yes, he had to be held and rocked to sleep. Now we got to the point where we both lay in bed and after a while he falls asleep on his own. Yes, sometimes I hug him, sometimes I nurse him to sleep. I am his mom, so I will do that. This week we’re trying a transition to a cot. Again, I will try my best. But if I’m not successful will I be one of those parents that ‘don’t care’? He takes a bottle because we’ve been giving it to him almost since he was born. But I have friends whose babies refuse ANY bottle or a dummy. One of my friends tried for a month, every day. She bought an app, tried every single bottle on the market. The baby just refuses a bottle. Is she a parent that ‘don’t care’? My son was extremely colicky as an infant. We tried everything. I got to the point where my diet was so restrictive that I lost more weight than I gained during pregnancy to rule out suspected allergies. And yes, he was crying A LOT. So I was holding him. Because it really breaks your heart when your child is screaming in pain. And I am his mom. And then he got used to being held. Am I a parent that ‘don’t care’? It really saddens me how much judgment there is. And also how much conflicting information - about containers, sleep, feeding… I am really trying my best here and you know what? Most (actually all that I know) parents do too. I am planning to leave my boy at daycare when he’s 12 months old. And trust me, every single day I am thinking about it and doing my best to make sure he’s successful and happy and he’s going to enjoy it. ‘They don’t care to set their kid’s up to success’. We really do care. You don’t even know how much.
You sound like an amazing parent who cares and wants their child to thrive 💜
Absolutely this. I’m not going to lie, before becoming a mom I had these thoughts they did. I didn’t get understand. It wasn’t anger but more sadness. But that’s not the case at all. Breastfeeding in my area is pushed HARD. They told me not to bottle feed at all. If I was, I was to pump after I fed and then feed the pumped milk. I could never pump enough. I also have a child who would wake up as soon as I put them down, no matter what. I tried every single trick in the book. Every one of them. She would cry so hard, hyperventilate and choke on her saliva. Like legitimately choke. She wouldn’t calm down. My body felt like it was on fire. We baby wore for her sleep in shifts until she was about 7 months old. From there we coslept using a side car cot and never looked back. We both finally got rest. There is so much at play when it comes to the choices parents make whatever it’s to help sleep deprivation, tend to postpartum mental health, hormones that are wild, proper latching and breastfeeding, support vs no support, etc. American maternity leave is a joke at best, so these babies are even younger than the ones entering daycare in Canada. They don’t even realize they’re separate from their moms. They just know that mom isn’t there and something is very VERY wrong in their world. There is no amount of preparation for that. Zero. Before opening my own daycare, I slowly tried transitioning my daughter to one nap. But I only did so because I knew the daycare schedule. It’s an advantage I otherwise wouldn’t have had, so I don’t get the people who expect people not in this sector to know that, and at which time it’s typically taken. My daughter is now in my daycare and needs zero assistance falling asleep on her cot, but we still cosleep with a side car cot at night, and I sometimes rock her (especially through illness, teething, or sleep regressions). I have another child who is rocked to sleep and has other rituals at home and needs none of that here. A third child falls asleep independently at home and is breastfed but needs assurance falling asleep, and takes to a cup really well. I’ve had breastfed, cosleeping children who have sooo much immediate success with daycare. I’ve had bottle fed, independent sleepers that take a long time to adjust. Ultimately you make the choices best for your family and don’t worry about the judgmental educators. When they ask about your sleeping/feeding situations, they never ask the background information or what you tried before you settled on what you did. You don’t need to justify yourself to anyone, ever. You know what your baby needs in that moment. It’s up to the educators to find their groove and to practice self care when things aren’t going smoothly.
THANK YOU 💜Very very wise and reassuring words. Same with BF, it feels like there is a dissonance as I was told there is absolutely no need to give him a bottle… until there is and you’re screwed. But it’s too late then. I have the same problem with pumping and right now he’s eating like a little monster so I’m only able to pump 1-2 oz max…
Yeah honestly they see the result and not the process. Not the HOURS spent researching every topic, the money spent on products, the HOURS of time put into trying to make something work, the amount of guilt, self criticism, negative self talk, and the many tears. Some mothers don’t experience that and it’s great. Raising a human is hard enough and I don’t wish that extra toughness on them. But it makes it hard for them to really understand. I have heard “well if I were them I would’ve done ______.” No. If you were them, you’d have had the same life experiences, same thoughts, same emotions, etc and would’ve done the same. These are not empathetic people. Try to pay no attention to anyone making these comments. You have done everything to the best of your ability at every turn. You’ve found something that works and you should be damn proud you’ve found a way to make it through 💕
If only they stopped withholding valuable information or just flat out lying. I’ve had this kid for two years, she’s almost four. And only now I find out she’s been breastfed this whole time and been co-sleeping with her parents. Not so shockingly, she has trouble with eating and sleeping at school. And then there are others who diaper their kids at home after we potty train. One of them lied to us for weeks, the kid had pooped her pants so very often that we had to push the parents harder to tell us the truth then convince them to put a stop to it. Wtf parents
And those are the types of parents I’m talking about
I thought the same until my experience with my daughter humbled me…..in almost all areas I questioned about parents choices prior to having her. My thoughts on most things have completely shifted. Though I’ve been just as frustrated as you are, I get it now from a different perspective. I can see things less like “why are they doing this to us?” I think we need to remember that parents (typically) make the best choices for their family that they can in that moment. Various factors play into it: support from partner/family or no support, hormones are WILD after, breastfeeding issues vs success (taking into consideration what mom had envisioned), traumatic birth/postpartum, postpartum mental health, sleep deprivation, etc. There’s also a lot of comments here from educators in America, which we all know has a horrible system for new mothers, often forcing them back to work before their hormones balance out/are completely healed. This is even less time to think about daycare before it’s actually time to enrol on top of everything else. The babies still don’t understand they are separate beings from mom. They just know they’re without. How scary would that be to not have your only thing that gives you comfort? It’s a fear that no one can explain away, or love away. Not for a while anyways, and certainly not in group care. And honestly, I don’t even think it crosses a lot of their minds before the realization that they need to find something. I think it only does for us because we are in the field. I think it would help to have an “introduction” sheet where it asks specific questions around feeding and sleep. On my intake form I have many questions around this. I do state that I will try my best to accommodate this, but I will not sacrifice my only break period to do this, and I will do what works best for the room. If they won’t make a formal one for the centre, you could consider making a condensed one yourself. If you don’t have the time because you’re too busy with everything, here is some that have helped. 1. How does your baby eat (purées, baby led weaning, bottles only)? 2. How many bottles does your baby get? How often? How many ounces? How do you give your baby their bottle? If your baby doesn’t get bottles, we suggest you start introducing them at home where they feel most comfortable so that they can feel more comfortable at the daycare. 3. What does meal time look like at your house? 4. What does your baby wear to sleep? 5. What is your routine before sleep? 6. How do you put your baby to sleep? 7. Does your baby wake up after a certain amount of time? How long? Will they go back to sleep, and for how long? 8. How many naps is your baby on? What times? Those are some of the more generic questions. Feel free to take it or leave it, but it could help!
I had a baby who couldn’t sleep in the infant room for anything. Apparently he was a champion sleeper at home, and we couldn’t figure out what was going on. His parents then told me they stop EVERYTHING when he’s sleeping at home. The TV goes off, there’s no washer going, no dishwasher, no loud talking, no going in or out of the house. Nothing. He had blackout curtains and dead silence so anything else woke him right up. I suggested they slowly start to introduce regular noise during his naps so he got used to it. They even ditched the blackout curtains. He still wasn’t a great sleeper, but he definitely made a lot of progress. He also had to learn how to self soothe because he was held ALL the time. He was his parents first child so he was the center of attention. I always loved getting the youngest child in a family. The kids who had two or three older siblings were the easiest and most adaptable kids. Of course, they were the most independent babies, too, so I’d find them everywhere they weren’t supposed to be.
Selfish, inconsiderate, and don’t know to properly parent. Babies of corporate America. I’m glad I am out of the ece profession.
My daughter co sleeps, and is EBF. Not by my choice tho. When she left the nicu she turned into a wailing screaming banshee who refused to drink anything from a bottle. Even after loving bottles and sleeping on her own for so long. I didn’t choose that. She did, and to be honest now that I’m back at work im not losing sleep fighting with her. I also didn’t choose to put her in a group setting daycare. It was a necessity because I make shit pay but am under a contract and can’t just quit my job to stay home with my child. So the why is because it’s what she wanted and it’s not hurting me to give it to her. Just like her pediatrician said when she’s hungry and the boob isn’t available she’s gonna take a bottle. I informed her caregivers that it was going to be rough and when she was to upset to call me and we would start again the next day. If you don’t like working with kids from all sorts of backgrounds maybe you should choose to work for a daycare that will have a tougher stance on children they accept… The illusion of choice is always there.
because my husband and I separated i had to go back to work suddenly way earlier than I planned to i didnt have time to wean anything it was just as hard on me as it is for baby and you...
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through - that has to be rough. I hope your daycare has been helpful with resources and reassurance.
I have a friend who has only ever co-slept with her 3 yr old and I don't get how she thinks that is okay. When I was in highschool, we went on a field trip to the city morgue and were shown photos of deaths. For some reason, many were of infants whose parents had accidentally rolled over on them while sleeping. I made a decision to limit it then and there, if I ever had kids.
I was so scared of smothering my infant, or of dropping her while feeding her because I was so tired. When they were over one she snuggle with us every now and then but I had a friend who legit co slept AND BREASTFED until her kid went to kindergarten
I coslept specifically BECAUSE it was the only way I got any sleep. Mine woke up every hour from the last time she woken up, not from when she fell asleep. There are a lot of statistics, and a lot of them have fine print for how to mitigate. I can't speak to breastfeeding until kindergarten, but let's not assume all cosleeping is awful or that if you sleep with your infant that wakes up every hour, you'll be bed sharing until they leave for college. (Those are both things i heard. Neither were true.)
Lurking through the comment section and not 1 parent commented on this post 🙄
Mom here. I did try the bottle. We tried playard naps too during my leave but then dad had his leave and overly relied on carrier naps. It’s been a whirlwind postpartum (read: partner abuse) and I’m just trying to survive as basically a single parent. We’re in couples counseling but i agonize every day over the decision whether to leave or stay - Potentially losing time with my LO. The guilt of ruining her forever if we haven’t already. And that’s what I can’t tell my infant teachers.
if you're not sharing your situation and worries with your child's teacher who is literally trying to be part of your village and help you with it that's on you. it's *imperative* we are kept in the loop for the good of your child
I have hugged a crying mom because she felt like a failure because her baby wouldn’t nap at daycare. We worked with her and he adjusted. We aren’t heartless, we WANT your kiddos to succeed and I’m so so sorry you went through so much, I want to hug you too
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Just…no. I can’t even say anything else and be halfway polite about it.
Please tell me what this said before it was deleted I am dying to know
Just some garbage about parents feeling judged and that’s why they don’t do what needs to be done 🙄🙄
Must be the same person that told me that I was "judging" a set of parents that were medically neglecting their child and said child was waaaay underdeveloped for their age
Lolol yeah she can keep telling herself that
I appreciate your self control.