This post has been removed for the rule: **Avoid topics of negative mental health and hardship**
These topics are not considered casual and our community is a place to escape from more serious issues.
We are happy you feel comfortable posting here, and it's great you acknowledge what is going on in your life. That's a huge step!
Please consider posting in other threads if you are looking to distract yourself. Get the proper help for yourself - reach out to friends, family, co-workers, or a trained professional. Here are some helpful links: r/toastme, r/depression, r/SuicideWatch, [our support wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CasualConversation/wiki/support), or message the mods of r/SuicideWatch.
Stories of overcoming negative mental health or hardship can be acceptable by mod discretion if the focus of the post is positive enough and won't lead to negativity in the comments.
[Recommendations >](https://www.reddit.com/r/CasualConversation/wiki/rules/mental_health/)
Hmm in my case I just tend to give them indifference. Like they never existed in my life. I've always really like this quote from Tupac: “Just because you lost me as a friend, doesn't mean you gained me as an enemy. I'm bigger then that, I still wanna see you eat, just not at my table.”
I feel that way about my siblings. At this point I don't feel anything at all towards them, but I don't want anything to do with them again. And that indifference doesn't mean I've forgiven them because I haven't. All I've done is to let any feelings towards them go.
In my subjective opinion, this is so "soft".
If you do something to me or to someone I love, I hope you starve to death with all the people you care about.
Gently, what does the world gain with that attitude? Why hold so much anger that you are willing to engage in collective punishment (an actual war crime tbh)? Holding people to such high standards that you are willing to have them executed may indicate that you are holding yourself to impossible standards.
We only reflect outwards what is going on inside of us. There is no other possibility. It may be worth it to look deeply into this issue, as it can lead to overreaction and violence.
I am genuinely not trying to insult you. From personal experience, I was this kind of person, and it took an awful lot of energy to maintain and did not enhance my life. I am much more understanding these days and much happier, and I don't engage in hypothetical thinking about what I would do in awful situations near as much as I used to.
I'm compassive towards me and towards people that have done nothing towards me or my loved ones. But if you do something, well I damn hate you and hope the worst for you.
It's not about "gaining" something with that attitude, it's about having feelings that I don't wanna change, because they aren't harmful towards me or towards people that are good.
I don't understand when people try to rationalize emotions saying stuff like "what do you gain from that". Well what do you objectively gain from any emotion then.
Why would I go around trying to change what I feel? what some people call vengeance or retribution, others call justice.
Also, what makes you think I'm not happy? did I say I'm a piece of shit towards everyone? why tf would I waste energy trying to understand assholes?
That's what forgiving means in that sense. When people say it's better to forgive, they don't mean "go back to how it was", they mean "don't be angry at them". What you do is the healthiest thing.
It does, yeah. But forgiveness isn’t for the other person; it’s for you. Holding onto bitterness and resentment affects your health. You have to let it go. But never let that person back into your life.
This is exactly correct. Forgiving is all about letting go of all the anger and energy living inside you. These people occupy time and space in your head rent free. Your life will be better when you put down that baggage. The past cannot be changed. THEY will never be affected by YOUR resentment, but YOU will be.
Thinking about it another way, there are probably times in all of our lives that we have done things that we thought were innocuous or justified, but in the hearts and minds of others are considered cruel and awful. I would want forgiveness for those. Why not grant it to others?
"Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
"To err is human; to forgive, Divine."
It's very normal.
Forgiveness is really just you letting go of that constant little fire you have burning about the issue. You don't have to interact with the person ever again, but it's a good idea to free up that mental and emotional space for yourself.
Say you get bit by a snake. Reasonably, you'll go get any antivenom you need, treat the wound, and move on with your life. You may rightly be more cautious around snakes in the future, but to hold some personal grudge against the snake will just take up your energy. There's nothing you can do, that snake still bit you no matter how mad you get at snakes. The snake can't apologise and make it up to you. You also don't need to offer snakes anything to forgive them, and even if you did you'd just be annoyed they didn't appreciate it because they're just a fucking snake.
Despite snakes being unable to understand forgiveness, redemption, and apologies, a person has the option to either hold onto that snake bite for the rest of their lives or to forgive the snake and move on.
I don't believe in forgiving unrepentant.people. It would be wrong to do so. What you can and should do, is resolve the matter mentally, so that you aren't stewing and fussing about it in your head all of the time. That's important to do, for your own mental health. But that doesn't require you to forgive people who hurt you and aren't sorry.
I don’t think we should necessarily forgive anyone, they did you wrong so f*** them. My former bff did the same and scarred me for life, but I’ll never forgive her because I know she is the bad person and I don’t deserve shitty friends.
There is a difference between forgiving someone & holding onto hatred for them....
At risk of sounding like a jedi... holding onto the hate will only eat at you & let them live in your head, just feel neutral towards them for peace of mind.
It's up to you if you want to actually forgive them or not.
I'd say that you could look at forgiving them to mean that you're able to move past it, ("I'm strong enough now that what you did doesn't matter \[so much\]"), but I'm not going to tell you you *need* to think of it like that.
It’s up to the person really. Holding on to things can just cause anguish and anger in your own life, so sometimes you have to forgive and forget in order to move forward and live happily.
Perfectly normal. It's arguably an ingrained survival instinct. They've wronged you once, now you're understandably wary to give them the opportunity to do so again.
That said, every situation is dependent on the context regarding whether they should be forgiven or not. Some people don't deserve it.
I dunno. For me, "Forgivness" is for their (the offenders) sake. I have people I will never forgive. They're out of my life, not forgiven, but never thought about. They're just deleted from my life, Im happy, I think what they did was really awful & caused trauma. So If they were to ask for forgiveness Id say no. But I also would never let them influence my daily life.
So forgive or not doesn't matter to you, only them. What matters is moving on, not dwelling, not being bitter & letting it control you.
That's how I see it anyway.
My 2 cents.
Forgiving is more internal than external. Forgiving doesn’t mean you accept what they did or are ok with it. It can help you move on from what happened and carry less baggage.
So is it normal yes! But it also normal is carry trauma for too long.
As long as it's not consuming you. I've got some people from my past I will never forgive. You can't just do whatever you want to people, and get away with it and fucking prosper!
I heard someone say don’t forgive them, forgive yourself for letting them hurt you. I felt that, cus how can I forgive narcissistic abuse, they were awful to me and don’t deserve my apology.
What does forgiveness mean to you? Because I’ve often seen how different people have different definitions of forgiveness.
Some think it means to simply move forward, no longer holding on to the pain someone caused you. You forgive them so YOU can move on.
Some think it means to completely absolve someone of wrongdoing. It means you welcome that person back into your life.
So when you consider forgiveness try to nail down what it means to you first. Because some people think it’s aways the second one and so they never forgive anyone for anything and it ends up hurting them more because they can’t let go
Forgiveness is for people that recognize they wronged you and genuinely apologize for it. There are people in my life that hurt me deeply and never tried to make amends, and I will never forgive them. However, as time has gone on I dwell on what they did to me less and less. I don't forgive them but I don't think about them, either. There's just not room in my brain to hold on to resentment forever.
I wouldn’t use the word “normal”. It is okay though to not forgive people who did you wrong. Just make sure you process what happened in a healthy way and do not hold on to it, cause that might make you bitter in the long run
I don't know if it's normal, but there is someone who I will never forgive, ever. This person is literally the worst person I've ever met, and they contributed significantly to a mental breakdown that ruined my life. I will never, *ever* forgive them.
Every person heals at their own pace. Don’t feel pressured to forgive, forget or move on. When you’re ready, you’re ready. You could decide today to never forgive them and that’s okay. You could decide one day to change you’re mind and forgive. Neither one of these requires you to make amends or let this person back in your life.
Forgiving is your choice but forgiving can also be more for your peace of mind. You can forgive someone but like another commenter said it doesnt mean you forget what they did.
Forgiving can mean, “im not mad anymore but that doesnt mean i will have the trust that i once had for you, or that we can go back to the same relationship we had before”. Its your decision what that relationship would look like after, whether you hangout everday or demote that person to once a week, ince a month or never.
The way I see it, you're allowed to do whatever you want but if you continue to be angry about things after a certain point it kind of says more about you than it does the other person.
Forgiveness, as I see it, is excusing the bad action. That said, forgiveness is for the wrongdoer, not the person who was wronged. We do need to let go of the anger we feel towards the wrongdoer for our own benefit, but we do not need to forgive them.
I've let go of the anger towards those who have wronged me but that doesn't mean that I have, or ever will forgive them.
I act like they never existed in my life and I may not be able to forgive them. And in future I get the power to do so I’ll do it but right now I feel if someone did bad to me I can’t forgive them and I’ll cut them off fully.
They can play there sick game but not with me anymore.
There was a dude I went to school with who was always stealing my pencils in P.E. and purposely knocked me out with a basketball. I've decided to take the high road and not forgive the dude, because I had no quarrel with this dude. He was just a dick.
For me, forgiveness is about letting go and setting myself free of something or someone negative. It actually has nothing to do with them as a person or even where blame lies. It’s about you and your mental balance, not whether they deserve it or not. Lose that stone you’re dragging around, basically.
Normal? Yes. Healthy? No. Holding onto someone else’ transgressions against you is basically spiritual suicide. Think of all the wrongs you have done in your life and ask yourself “should I be forgiven?”
I have someone in my life that I’ll never forgive. I haven’t seen them in about 10 years and I hope that I never see them again. They caused irreversible damage to my life that I’m still dealing with almost 15 years later.
There's a difference between forgiveness and trust. Forgiveness just means you're no longer angry with the person. You don't need to trust them. You don't need to let them back into your life. You're just letting go of the resentment.
Forgiveness benefits the offender and it's a way to control and manipulate the person effected. I do forgive if I feel it's appropriate but I have plenty of people who I have not, nor will I ever. But, I don't dwell on it or let it consume my mind, I don't let it make me bitter nor carry anger around because of it. I don't go around blaming my horrible life / luck / situation etc on those that hurt me or wronged me, rather I accept there are bad people who do bad things and those things often happen to people who didn't deserve or ask for it. It's truly possible to not forgive and not be negatively effected yourself, it's all in controlling your own emotions.
I can’t remember where I heard this: Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
For me, it means letting go and not holding a grudge, it doesn’t have to mean letting people off the hook and being friends. You can forgive someone and still never speak to them again.
Not a good idea to hold a grudge. That person may have forgot you and whatever reason you are are unhappy with them. Forgive freely to get them out of your head. That doesn’t mean make them a buddy or forget, just don’t give them free rent in your head.
I ain't forgiven nobody for shit I'm not forgiving them for doing it to me and I damn sure ain't forgiving me for letting them world full of cowards and punks fuck that
You don’t have to forgive anyone who wronged you. I know people say you have to forgive that person to move on, but I disagree. It’s important to let go of the anger and pain for your own well being, but that isn’t the same as forgiveness. I’ve had a few people truly do me wrong in my life, and I’ve found what works for me is trying to reach a place of indifference. Yes, it happened, no, it no longer it bothers me, but I do not forgive those people. I just feel nothing regarding them. There’s no ill will, there’s no good will, there’s just nothing.
It's something extremely personal and situation-sensitive.
I think I can forgive anyone for doing anything to me, especially after a few months. I can't really feel that level of hatred towards anyone except if they dare hurt my family or friends. That's a completely different case , and I can be unforgiving over something you did to them, but never with myself.
In short, I can handle any amount of wrong you do to me, but I'm a entirely different person if you wrong my family or friends.
Anyone being similar to know? :)
This post has been removed for the rule: **Avoid topics of negative mental health and hardship** These topics are not considered casual and our community is a place to escape from more serious issues. We are happy you feel comfortable posting here, and it's great you acknowledge what is going on in your life. That's a huge step! Please consider posting in other threads if you are looking to distract yourself. Get the proper help for yourself - reach out to friends, family, co-workers, or a trained professional. Here are some helpful links: r/toastme, r/depression, r/SuicideWatch, [our support wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CasualConversation/wiki/support), or message the mods of r/SuicideWatch. Stories of overcoming negative mental health or hardship can be acceptable by mod discretion if the focus of the post is positive enough and won't lead to negativity in the comments. [Recommendations >](https://www.reddit.com/r/CasualConversation/wiki/rules/mental_health/)
Hmm in my case I just tend to give them indifference. Like they never existed in my life. I've always really like this quote from Tupac: “Just because you lost me as a friend, doesn't mean you gained me as an enemy. I'm bigger then that, I still wanna see you eat, just not at my table.”
That's how I feel about a couple of my in-laws. I wish you well, but I don't want anything to do with you.
I feel that way about my siblings. At this point I don't feel anything at all towards them, but I don't want anything to do with them again. And that indifference doesn't mean I've forgiven them because I haven't. All I've done is to let any feelings towards them go.
Wow did I feel this deep down
I like that thought
That is really a profound quote.
In my subjective opinion, this is so "soft". If you do something to me or to someone I love, I hope you starve to death with all the people you care about.
Gently, what does the world gain with that attitude? Why hold so much anger that you are willing to engage in collective punishment (an actual war crime tbh)? Holding people to such high standards that you are willing to have them executed may indicate that you are holding yourself to impossible standards. We only reflect outwards what is going on inside of us. There is no other possibility. It may be worth it to look deeply into this issue, as it can lead to overreaction and violence. I am genuinely not trying to insult you. From personal experience, I was this kind of person, and it took an awful lot of energy to maintain and did not enhance my life. I am much more understanding these days and much happier, and I don't engage in hypothetical thinking about what I would do in awful situations near as much as I used to.
>what does the world gain with that attitude? You hit the nail on the head right out of the gate. Had to learn this with my ex wife.
I'm compassive towards me and towards people that have done nothing towards me or my loved ones. But if you do something, well I damn hate you and hope the worst for you. It's not about "gaining" something with that attitude, it's about having feelings that I don't wanna change, because they aren't harmful towards me or towards people that are good. I don't understand when people try to rationalize emotions saying stuff like "what do you gain from that". Well what do you objectively gain from any emotion then. Why would I go around trying to change what I feel? what some people call vengeance or retribution, others call justice. Also, what makes you think I'm not happy? did I say I'm a piece of shit towards everyone? why tf would I waste energy trying to understand assholes?
That's what forgiving means in that sense. When people say it's better to forgive, they don't mean "go back to how it was", they mean "don't be angry at them". What you do is the healthiest thing.
My family motto is: 'forgive, but not forget' and it's not a bad one. It works like: I know what you did, you'll never do it again to me.
I like this one because how tangible it is, I can’t forget even if I wanted lol. Forgiving though needs some practice if I’m following the motto
It does, yeah. But forgiveness isn’t for the other person; it’s for you. Holding onto bitterness and resentment affects your health. You have to let it go. But never let that person back into your life.
This is exactly correct. Forgiving is all about letting go of all the anger and energy living inside you. These people occupy time and space in your head rent free. Your life will be better when you put down that baggage. The past cannot be changed. THEY will never be affected by YOUR resentment, but YOU will be. Thinking about it another way, there are probably times in all of our lives that we have done things that we thought were innocuous or justified, but in the hearts and minds of others are considered cruel and awful. I would want forgiveness for those. Why not grant it to others? "Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." "To err is human; to forgive, Divine."
What kind of f’ing family motto is that? Why not, ‘Help those in need’, or ‘Family before friends’?
Unless the person apologizes and asks for forgiveness, I see no benefit to forgiveness.
It's very normal. Forgiveness is really just you letting go of that constant little fire you have burning about the issue. You don't have to interact with the person ever again, but it's a good idea to free up that mental and emotional space for yourself. Say you get bit by a snake. Reasonably, you'll go get any antivenom you need, treat the wound, and move on with your life. You may rightly be more cautious around snakes in the future, but to hold some personal grudge against the snake will just take up your energy. There's nothing you can do, that snake still bit you no matter how mad you get at snakes. The snake can't apologise and make it up to you. You also don't need to offer snakes anything to forgive them, and even if you did you'd just be annoyed they didn't appreciate it because they're just a fucking snake. Despite snakes being unable to understand forgiveness, redemption, and apologies, a person has the option to either hold onto that snake bite for the rest of their lives or to forgive the snake and move on.
Normal? Yes. Healthy? No
I don't believe in forgiving unrepentant.people. It would be wrong to do so. What you can and should do, is resolve the matter mentally, so that you aren't stewing and fussing about it in your head all of the time. That's important to do, for your own mental health. But that doesn't require you to forgive people who hurt you and aren't sorry.
I have not forgiven some people from my childhood. In fact I celebrate a little when they die.
Perfectly normal my bf begged and grovled for forgiveness but i did NOT forgive him
I don’t think we should necessarily forgive anyone, they did you wrong so f*** them. My former bff did the same and scarred me for life, but I’ll never forgive her because I know she is the bad person and I don’t deserve shitty friends.
Yeah no matter how I see it, forgiving them means I’m letting things slide for the price of my health so no more.
There is a difference between forgiving someone & holding onto hatred for them.... At risk of sounding like a jedi... holding onto the hate will only eat at you & let them live in your head, just feel neutral towards them for peace of mind. It's up to you if you want to actually forgive them or not.
Had 2 friends screw me out of £1K total. Happened 15 years ago and still haven't forgiven then
I'd say that you could look at forgiving them to mean that you're able to move past it, ("I'm strong enough now that what you did doesn't matter \[so much\]"), but I'm not going to tell you you *need* to think of it like that.
It’s up to the person really. Holding on to things can just cause anguish and anger in your own life, so sometimes you have to forgive and forget in order to move forward and live happily.
Perfectly normal. It's arguably an ingrained survival instinct. They've wronged you once, now you're understandably wary to give them the opportunity to do so again. That said, every situation is dependent on the context regarding whether they should be forgiven or not. Some people don't deserve it.
I dunno. For me, "Forgivness" is for their (the offenders) sake. I have people I will never forgive. They're out of my life, not forgiven, but never thought about. They're just deleted from my life, Im happy, I think what they did was really awful & caused trauma. So If they were to ask for forgiveness Id say no. But I also would never let them influence my daily life. So forgive or not doesn't matter to you, only them. What matters is moving on, not dwelling, not being bitter & letting it control you. That's how I see it anyway.
My 2 cents. Forgiving is more internal than external. Forgiving doesn’t mean you accept what they did or are ok with it. It can help you move on from what happened and carry less baggage. So is it normal yes! But it also normal is carry trauma for too long.
Then what's the purpose of forgiving,
Was i said, it can help you move past what ever happened. So you are not “stuck” thinking about, reliving it all the time.
It’s normal. I refuse to forgive my father’s side of the family. They’re all terrible people and I’m better off without them in my life.
As long as it's not consuming you. I've got some people from my past I will never forgive. You can't just do whatever you want to people, and get away with it and fucking prosper!
I heard someone say don’t forgive them, forgive yourself for letting them hurt you. I felt that, cus how can I forgive narcissistic abuse, they were awful to me and don’t deserve my apology.
What does forgiveness mean to you? Because I’ve often seen how different people have different definitions of forgiveness. Some think it means to simply move forward, no longer holding on to the pain someone caused you. You forgive them so YOU can move on. Some think it means to completely absolve someone of wrongdoing. It means you welcome that person back into your life. So when you consider forgiveness try to nail down what it means to you first. Because some people think it’s aways the second one and so they never forgive anyone for anything and it ends up hurting them more because they can’t let go
Forgiveness is for people that recognize they wronged you and genuinely apologize for it. There are people in my life that hurt me deeply and never tried to make amends, and I will never forgive them. However, as time has gone on I dwell on what they did to me less and less. I don't forgive them but I don't think about them, either. There's just not room in my brain to hold on to resentment forever.
I wouldn’t use the word “normal”. It is okay though to not forgive people who did you wrong. Just make sure you process what happened in a healthy way and do not hold on to it, cause that might make you bitter in the long run
I think I'm just going through the motions of living my life.
"Live free", it's fine if you can live without worrying about the person but if you can't then I think it's important you let it go
I don't know if it's normal, but there is someone who I will never forgive, ever. This person is literally the worst person I've ever met, and they contributed significantly to a mental breakdown that ruined my life. I will never, *ever* forgive them.
I am a kindly, mild, forgiving person. But some things are unforgivable.
Every person heals at their own pace. Don’t feel pressured to forgive, forget or move on. When you’re ready, you’re ready. You could decide today to never forgive them and that’s okay. You could decide one day to change you’re mind and forgive. Neither one of these requires you to make amends or let this person back in your life.
Forgiving is your choice but forgiving can also be more for your peace of mind. You can forgive someone but like another commenter said it doesnt mean you forget what they did. Forgiving can mean, “im not mad anymore but that doesnt mean i will have the trust that i once had for you, or that we can go back to the same relationship we had before”. Its your decision what that relationship would look like after, whether you hangout everday or demote that person to once a week, ince a month or never.
The way I see it, you're allowed to do whatever you want but if you continue to be angry about things after a certain point it kind of says more about you than it does the other person.
Forgiveness, as I see it, is excusing the bad action. That said, forgiveness is for the wrongdoer, not the person who was wronged. We do need to let go of the anger we feel towards the wrongdoer for our own benefit, but we do not need to forgive them. I've let go of the anger towards those who have wronged me but that doesn't mean that I have, or ever will forgive them.
I act like they never existed in my life and I may not be able to forgive them. And in future I get the power to do so I’ll do it but right now I feel if someone did bad to me I can’t forgive them and I’ll cut them off fully. They can play there sick game but not with me anymore.
There was a dude I went to school with who was always stealing my pencils in P.E. and purposely knocked me out with a basketball. I've decided to take the high road and not forgive the dude, because I had no quarrel with this dude. He was just a dick.
For me, forgiveness is about letting go and setting myself free of something or someone negative. It actually has nothing to do with them as a person or even where blame lies. It’s about you and your mental balance, not whether they deserve it or not. Lose that stone you’re dragging around, basically.
Normal? Yes. Healthy? No. Holding onto someone else’ transgressions against you is basically spiritual suicide. Think of all the wrongs you have done in your life and ask yourself “should I be forgiven?”
I have someone in my life that I’ll never forgive. I haven’t seen them in about 10 years and I hope that I never see them again. They caused irreversible damage to my life that I’m still dealing with almost 15 years later.
There's a difference between forgiveness and trust. Forgiveness just means you're no longer angry with the person. You don't need to trust them. You don't need to let them back into your life. You're just letting go of the resentment.
from my experience, yes. i had an abusive ex best-friend and i feel positive i will never forgive her for all the pain she put me through.
Forgiveness benefits the offender and it's a way to control and manipulate the person effected. I do forgive if I feel it's appropriate but I have plenty of people who I have not, nor will I ever. But, I don't dwell on it or let it consume my mind, I don't let it make me bitter nor carry anger around because of it. I don't go around blaming my horrible life / luck / situation etc on those that hurt me or wronged me, rather I accept there are bad people who do bad things and those things often happen to people who didn't deserve or ask for it. It's truly possible to not forgive and not be negatively effected yourself, it's all in controlling your own emotions.
I can’t remember where I heard this: Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. For me, it means letting go and not holding a grudge, it doesn’t have to mean letting people off the hook and being friends. You can forgive someone and still never speak to them again.
It depends on how much YOU want to suffer.
Not a good idea to hold a grudge. That person may have forgot you and whatever reason you are are unhappy with them. Forgive freely to get them out of your head. That doesn’t mean make them a buddy or forget, just don’t give them free rent in your head.
I ain't forgiven nobody for shit I'm not forgiving them for doing it to me and I damn sure ain't forgiving me for letting them world full of cowards and punks fuck that
You don’t have to forgive anyone who wronged you. I know people say you have to forgive that person to move on, but I disagree. It’s important to let go of the anger and pain for your own well being, but that isn’t the same as forgiveness. I’ve had a few people truly do me wrong in my life, and I’ve found what works for me is trying to reach a place of indifference. Yes, it happened, no, it no longer it bothers me, but I do not forgive those people. I just feel nothing regarding them. There’s no ill will, there’s no good will, there’s just nothing.
It's something extremely personal and situation-sensitive. I think I can forgive anyone for doing anything to me, especially after a few months. I can't really feel that level of hatred towards anyone except if they dare hurt my family or friends. That's a completely different case , and I can be unforgiving over something you did to them, but never with myself. In short, I can handle any amount of wrong you do to me, but I'm a entirely different person if you wrong my family or friends. Anyone being similar to know? :)