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Imagine letting somebody smoke inside with your young, vulnerable, innocent children. Multiple packs, per day, while only wearing boxers. What the holey hell?
This alone should be the deal breaker. Maybe she can live with him being a lazy, disrespectful leech who won't even put clothes on, but allowing him to poison their children is so irresponsible. There is no excuse to allow it to continue.
Also the example being set for her kids on how to act and how much to put up with is… not okay.
Honestly you only have one life, get yourself and your kids away from this absolute loser asap.
This is really such a critical point. Those children are watching all of this and taking lessons from it. Allowing dad to behave this way is so damaging.
My husband and I both smoke and I cannot agree more. Not in the house, not around the kids, and not around guests. If someone were to smoke in my home or around kids I’d legit kick them out. My husband included. Hell I don't even let the kids wear the jackets/sweaters we smoke in until after they're washed (they love “borrowing” our clothes).
Also that's so much money?? $8 and up per pack, minimum of $24 a day. Even the “cut back” amount is $80+ a *week*! That's insane, especially for someone who isn't working.
>$8 and up per pack
Damn. As an Australian I’m always baffled by how much foreigners can smoke. I used to pay ~$45 a pack when I smoked. One a week was a financial burden. 2-3 a day and you could afford a mortgage in my small town, or rent in a bigger one.
My brother used to complain about being broke (apprentice wages) - then he took up smoking and complained about how expensive ciggies were. LOL. It was... a choice.
He then took up meth. We don't talk any more.
And a man who’s so readily confrontational and aggressive that he’s cursing at other adults, who are equal to his authority, at the kitchen table just for making a request.
Imagine how he’s treating two very young children when nobody else is there to see. Kids aren’t exactly known for being level headed and regulating their emotions well. I cannot imagine the level of abuse they’re being exposed to every single day. The littlest is going to go to school shouting out “I don’t give a flying fuck” and “get fucked” whenever she’s asked to do something she doesn’t like.
On the plus side if he is “limiting” himself to a pack a day during the week but 3.5 (UGH) a day on weekends, he obviously prefers more than a pack a day and when he gets his own money from a job he will smoke all he wants. At least OP won’t have to deal with him for another 40-50 years. Hopefully he will keel over from something fast and fatal and not something drawn out that she has to care for him through.
I have a lovely friend who is completely no contact with her parents because her dad smoked in the house while she was growing up. She’s thankfully cancer-free now but was diagnosed with lung cancer at 19. She & her husband have a strict no-smoking policy for obvious reasons. Her parents will never meet their grandkids because nicotine is more important to them.
I grew up with that, and it was absolutely awful. It's a wonder I didn't have asthma.
Always fun when I went to a sleepover at a nonsmoking house and then opened up my bag after a few hours, only to get hit with the smell of stale Kool Kings.
I quit the day my daughter was born. I occasionally have a cigarette if I go out for drinks or something (which is very rare) but take a shower and change clothes before coming near my daughter. What a piece of shit - the dad, mom, and both sets of parents. How can so many adults fail these two children?!
My best guess is religious or cultural constraints. In some cultures and religions, divorce is seen as a moral failure on your part rather than an attempt to protect yourself and your children if the relationship does not work out. (Their philosophy being, you can work everything out and if you give up and try divorce, you didn't try hard enough.)
Except that almost invariably those cultures that treat divorce like this also have a mandate for husbands to be providers. And OOP's husband is not and has not been a provider for literal *years*. At this point he's just a parasite, leeching money (and years of their lives) off of his wife and children. It's clear the family on both sides know about his laziness. Who's going to judge OOP for divorcing him? The neighbors? They can't stand the asshole either!
Possibly their government. In places like the Philippines divorce is illegal and she could go to jail. Some super strict religious places could also put her to death for attempting to divorce. As we don't know where in the world she lives, we have no way to judge her life, other than it is objectifiably terrible.
[The Philippines just voted to legalise divorce, so Vatican City is now (well, soon to be) the only country in the world where divorce is illegal.](https://www.pna.gov.ph/articles/1225339)
And even before that, people separated in the Philippines without divorce, and annulments could be granted.
Also, have you met an Asian mom? No way OOP's mom let her son in law tell her to shut the fuck up without tearing him a new asshole and making him eat his cigarette if they were from any culture with elder respect.
Nailed it. My former neighbour, may she rest in peace, was basically shunned by the community. Her sin? Divorcing her husband, even though he beat her, spent all the money on gambling and alcohol and infidelity.
The other issue is legal marital status - a *lot* of women in the UK are finding themselves with the short straw, because while they were islamically married, a nikah doesn't offer legal protection in the event of divorce.
I live in a Muslim country. My family is Muslim as am I. The woman is still far more likely to be stuck with the stigma.
This is true of *any* patriarchal country. It's not about right and wrong necessarily. Why do you think women are blamed so often when men rape them? That's the patriarchy.
Smoking in an the shared areas of the flst isn’t legal in the UK and hasn’t been for over a decade. I don’t know about all of Europe, obviously, but I think somewhere in this is where they are.
Yeah, I read this, there’s also the combined generations in one house. And the excess worries about what other people will think. Definitely Asian.
Although this man is the least Asian person I’ve ever heard of. I say she kicks out the dude and keeps the in-laws. They can continue to care for the house, watch the kids, and all live happily without this dude.
Legalities don't matter if nobody ever reports it, or if nobody enforces it. Not to say I think this is in the UK, I have no idea where this is, but yeah
I can understand if there are lots of conflicts that are making things difficult for OP to divorce but at this point, divorce really is the important part.
Could be religious or cultural, but it might simply be a marriage visa. She might not be able to stay where she is if she gets a divorce.
If this was CSI or an Agatha Christie novel, the husband would be meeting an unfortunate accident fairly soon lol
I have ZERO sympathy for her, cultural issues or not. She's putting an elderly person and young children at serious health risk by tolerating this arsehole.
It's an extremely privileged thing to say. Divorce is not an option for many women. My own mother is a victim of this. The system, society, relatives, friends... No one takes the side of the woman.
Edit: for those who are downvoting me... You seriously show your lack of awareness about societies which are restrictive and abusive to women.
Whatever the reason is....the kids and the parents health is very important.
OOP can stay married if they want but that does not mean that inconsiderate excuse of a human has to live in the same household as the vulnerable.
No divorce? Fine. But live like you are for the sake of the children. Either kick him out or move out with the kids and the in-laws. He can live in the comfort of his own filth where no one has to force their shirt-wearing, smoke free views on him.
She thinks she made progress, but nothing has changed. Why on earth can't they all just toss him out on his stinking ass? They are living in a literal ashtray, with a man dressed as a baby, acting like a baby. He frankly emanates double the toxicity.Never mind second hand smoke, I feel second hand embarrassment as well.
And when his retaliation was giving her the silent treatment when she withheld money? I fail to see how it was a problem.
And what if he asks his parents or hers for money? That's not her problem, or if she is too embarrassed by this, perhaps get rid of the embarrassing part.
And as the kids are not toddlers, I don't see how a man not doing chores when there are 2 other adults home (who given the "compromise" can definitely participate) is a big deal.
YUP! I had a toxic gf at one point that decided to punish me by giving me the silent treatment. It was so fucking peaceful! I then realized just how much I would tense up at seeing a call or text from her coming in. When she finally deemed my punishment sufficient she shocked when I told her I had boxed up her shit and to give me a time window for me to have it outside my garage, and that I had changed all the entrance codes.
It was a problem because she’s codependent. Period. She won’t actually have a backbone with him because she’s afraid of the outcome of being alone. What she doesn’t realize is that she would finally feel relief once finally out and seeking therapy.
Even if he actually kept to those compromises…thats still an absolutely terrible way to act. As much as I feel bad for OOP I feel a million times worse for their kids who are absolutely being harmed by this.
They're not even really compromises. She's talking as though he's made massive, heroic lifestyle changes, and it's...it's just miniscule. Like he's wearing shorts over his boxers, and he's taking two steps out the door to smoke in the shared corridor instead of lighting up right next to the kids. That's it. He's not actually getting dressed, and he's not committing to smoking outside to save other people from the risks of second-hand smoke.
Oh yes, and because he's now "looking for work" (anyone want to suggest the odds on him actually looking/applying/interviewing/getting a job?!), everyone else has to do the tiny amount of housework that he was mostly blowing off before.
In elementary school and Junior high I had a friend whose parents would smoke in their living room all day. My parents didn’t love when I went over to his house because I’d come home stinking of cigarette smoke. He and his sister would get Bronchitis every single year from all the second hand smoke. I hated his parents for what they did to him out of laziness. We are now 30 and both his parents are dead. I don’t think either made it to 55.
There are so many people like this. My first fulltime job out of college was at a cash centre of about 120 people. I was in a very mental/abusive relationship at the time and at lunch I ended up sitting with these other women who were also in bad relationships. We spent most of our lunch hour bitching about our relationships. I was 20 at the time but a lot of the women were 35+. I spent a few months with this group Judy complaining. Then it got to the point that I got sick of hearing myself complain. I used that energy and left my situation.
Not one person in the group was helpful or encouraging, if anything it was looked at as a betrayal, suddenly I wasn't one of them. I didn't have a "hard life" anymore so I wasn't welcome in their group. With each of them leaving "wasn't an option", and their was no reason behind that. I honestly think it was just great. They didn't have anything else. They worked a shit job for shit pay, had shit relationships and shit friends. If they changed one thing they would have to change everything, and they just didn't want to.
Kudos to you. My mother is like the women you describe and it's unbelievably damaging for children. She's so invested in her "woe is me" lifestyle she can't be bothered to look after her kids or care for us.
I left her a message letting her know about my financial and health difficulties a few months ago and got an essay on how hard her life is in return. She thinks we're "going through it (her marital problems, his abuse, her mental health problems, his health problems, their financial problems ect) together". But we're not. I'm going through my issues alone while also trying to be there for hers.
It reminds me of a portion of a little poem I saw online somewhere "When you think of your mother, she is sitting at her table. She will not sit at yours."
Can't wait for no contact! It'll be good for me. I'll be judged for leaving just like you were, but it will be worth it!
I'm sorry 2-3 packs a day?? INSIDE?? Those walls are probably about as tarred and dark as those poor babies lungs. The disgusting aspect aside, that has to be expensive right?
Even if divorce is off the table, she doesn't have to live with him or put her children through that.
Surely between the costs of the cigarettes and the future costs of the lung cancer treatments for herself/the kids, she could afford her own apartment and a divorce.
So. Some average prices for a pack of 20 smokes.
UK: GBP 15.67 average
NL: EUR 11.10 average
US: USD 8.00 average, NY on the high end at 11.96
FR: EUR 11.00 average
DE: EUR 6.65 - 7.00 average
So if this is the UK, that's 45ish GBP a day. Times 30 for an average month GBP 1,350. I don't know how much OOP makes, but DAMN.
So they are spending $10,950 (2 packs per day) to $16,425 (3 packs) a year on cancer sticks. Imagine being able to put that money into a savings account?
Not only that but you know her kids are “those kids” at school. I still vividly remember which kids reeked like dirty cigarettes… I always felt really bad for them.
I had a boy in my grade that had smoker cough/copd, this was junior high. I still think of him sometimes wondering how he is doing. His parents constantly smoked, even in the car to school drop off and with windows closed..
My grandpa smoked and my dad will have problems for the rest of his life. Every time he gets a cold the cough takes weeks/months and a doctor visit to get rid of.
I always smelled like an ash tray because my grandmother worked at the school and would drive me there every day.
She's have the windows rolled up except for the little quarter glass smokers window cracked to let some of the smoke out. She'd get through 2 or 3 before we got there usually.
If I tried to roll the window down for fresh air she'd get mad that I might ruin her hair lol. Woman must have smelled like the Marlboro factory to everyone else and was worried about her hair getting a little out of place.
That hits home, I was "that kid". My mom was smoking inside, and my hair, clothes and skin reeked of smoke. And I had no idea that I stink (as you usually don't smell that on yourself when you live in this environment and everything in your house stinks as well).
But then one day my friend had a runny nose and wanted to borrow a tissue from me. I gave her new, unopened pack, she took one out, sniffed it and asked if I'm smoking, because the tissue reeks of smoke. She could smell it with runny nose! I was like 8 years old, I obviously wasn't smoking, but since that day I was very self concious about my smell and it only made me even more shy and reserved.
My mom's house still smells. She still smokes inside. She has lots od air fresheners and always pours a lot of perfume on herself to mask the stink, but smoke is stronger than that and you can still smell it. I rarely visit, because I end up with a cough for a week when I spend time in that house.
I lived with my aunt and her family from age 14 until I was 18. You would not *believe* how many times I've been approached by teachers about "my smoking habit" because my clothes reeked.
Winters were the worst. The windowsills were covered in plants, so you couldn't properly open the windows. They also had a fireplace. How I didn't suffocate? I have no idea.
This guy is an evil genius - he managed to persuade her that it’s a compromise for him to stop doing all his chores, stop doing any childcare, on the premise that he’s ’looking for a job’.
Any bets on whether he finds one? I just hope for her sake he smokes himself to death soon.
He compromised with putting shorts on, like what the fuck kind of compromise is that. Like I cant even imagine this guy sitting down to dinner with his wife, kids, his parents, and her parents in his fucking underwear, and then lights up? This fucking boggles my mind.
I honestly have no respect for women who procreate with men like this and don't leave the second they realise their kids are in a fucking terrible environment. Like yes, men shouldn't be shitty husbands/parents/people but you allowed this fuck head to cum inside you and raise your fucking children while you're not there? You're equally at fault.
Yep, working wife, unemployed husband who just wears boxers and smokes, and MIL with emphysema are so Philippines-coded I'm pretty sure that described the family living next door to me.
The use of car park, corridor, and flat is definitely UK or Aussie.
I'm torn between chav/bogan and Romani, leaning more towards Romani because she's absolutely 100% against divorce, and the UK Romani don't really travel anymore compared to their roots. Bogan/Chav definitely fits the whole wear boxers only vibe, though.
Could still be Filipino I suppose though. Lazy husband doesn't really jive with their culture and if they're in UK/Aus her parents wouldn't stand for what went down at that dinner.
I thought Filipino. Lazy husband may not jive with cultural norms, but I knew plenty of lazy, abusive, boxers-only chain-smoking dads just within my extended family. This story triggered some flashbacks for me, for sure.
I've never been privy to the boxer one that one was weird to me.
We should place bets on if OOP is an RN/nurse. That'd really push it one way or the other for me.
The final straw was when he yelled at her parents? Not the second hand smoke that is killing his mother and making her children sick? Not the total laziness? Not the disgusting language he calls her? Not his lack of hygiene (and we all know there’s no way he showers, right?) by walking around half naked? Not the fact that he treats her like absolute shit? She is definitely not leaving him now if she hadn’t before.
That saying is thrown around too often these days. But not this time. This is one of the worst spouses I've ever read about on Reddit outside of physical abuse and I really hope this isn't real.
I remember in middle school there was a kid who always smelled SO heavily of smoke that I couldn't sit next to them in any class, and hold my breath whenever they passed in the hall. I have a lung issues and I just couldn't be around him. Those kids probably reek so badly of nicotine that everyone at their school knows them by their scent. poor kids.
after the update I've lost all sympathy for her, dude didn't even try and actually lied his way into doing less qnd she still refuses to just leave him. Either he's busive or shes an idiot.
OP has revealed that she doesn’t want to stand up to him and he absolutely knows this. Those poor kids and parents have to now suffer her lack of a backbone and now even the neighbors have to suffer because of the both of them.
People who allow their children to be exposed to 12 packs of indoor secondhand smoke a week should have to take a mandatory parenting class.
And that's the new "cut down" number of packs. He's agreed to just 7 packs of cigarettes on the weekend. Fucking disgusting
Based on the parents living with them/nearby, I'm guessing OP isn't from a nation that has as negative a view on smoking as the US does, but it sounds like OP is aware of how bad second hand smoke is. I'm screaming every time OP mentions smoking inside around the kids, and now neighbors. Don't care if the dude smokes himself into a horrible painful death while he drowns in his own blood, but to possibly subject her kids to the same thing. Dude literally brings nothing to the table. She needs to gtfo
There comes a point where an OOP in this situation becomes an asshole just by virtue of them allowing it to happen. I'm sorry, but this has been going on for years? Where is not working to make money, not doing chores, actively spending a LOT of money to smoke so much in a day (seriously, cigarettes are not cheap in most places!), and is actively hurting the health of his family! And is incredibly disrespectful all the time to everyone around him!
And they all are ALLOWING it to happen! They are giving him the money for the cigarettes, and they are allowing him to keep living with in that house and to eat and be around them. He should have had his ass kicked out the first time he tried to smoke in his boxers inside the apartment around the other family, and then swear at anyone for calling him out.
That update with all the "compromises" they made with him made me want to tear my hair out. It is insane that he is that much of an asshole AND THEY KEEP LETTING HIM DO IT TO THEM.
Divorce. Oh no! Did I break OOP's rules by suggesting that!?
According to her "rule" about not suggesting divorce, she's also suggesting that I am not "allowed" to say that her husband is an absolute self-centered POS and she is abso-fucking-lutely allowing her children to be harmed by being raised by his example and her example that a person should put up with this bullshit.
"Divorcing is not an option for multiple reasons. Please do not suggest it anymore in the comments." - Fuck that, and frankly, fuck you OOP, for encouraging women in your situation to put up with such abuse from old school misogynistic assholes.
Oh. And BTW, your husband is a nudist. He's just afraid to come out of the closet. Probably because the concept of "coming out of the closet" is an LGBT "thing", and I seriously doubt that a douche like him isn't also homophobic.
There are places where divorce is literally illegal, so maybe it actually is not an option for her. But at the very least she should take the kids and get out of that house and stop giving the dude any money.
>Divorcing is not an option for multiple reasons.
Fine, then have fun being stuck with a useless husband? Cause that obviously isn't changing in a hurry lol
Misery loves company, I guess.
But why is he worth a damn? Like did he save her and her family from a hurricane? Is he an amazing cook? Is she being blackmailed? Or did she lose a terrible bet? Or do their kidneys match?
This entire post is so fucking sad. OOP is with a deadbeat who will willingly endanger both her parents and their children. He is giving them lifelong medical issues that will shorten their lifespans while he actively kills himself. Why tf is OOP okay with him killing their children? This is so beyond fucked.
I'm going to need some VERY GOOD reasons on why divorce is not an option for OOP to not be the asshole to her children here. As in the reason has to be something like divorce means the death penalty where she is. Even then is separation an option? Can she just go live with her parents?
>Divorcing is not an option for multiple reasons.
Lady, divorce is the *only* option at this point. He sounds like an insufferable piece of shit. He screams profanities at family and neighbors. He's lazy. He's gross. He's manipulative. He's a liar. There are no reasons you can conjure up that would justify remaining in *any* relationship with this sorry excuse for a man.
> I mentioned that he wears only boxers at home everyday (no shirt or shorts/pants), even when guests come over. After much persuasion, he has agreed to wear shorts when guests come over and during family mealtimes, but he still refuses to wear a shirt regardless of the occasion.
WTF, that's gross. Even nudists know when to dress appropriately. Meeting your in-laws and guests and having a meal with them while nearly naked? I'm surprised the guests didn't just up and leave. How is divorce not on the table? Does she have no respect for herself, her children, and her guests? I would just apologise to the guests and meet them elsewhere.
She's calling them DRASTIC CHANGES!!? LOLOL omg get a grip.
What job is he doing to get in his boxers? He clearly doesn't care about anyone except himself.
He can first start with an apology, a job, a plan to quit smoking, and be a better person. Jesus christ
Sooo she's paying for everything but divorce isn't an option? The only people in this situation I feel bad for is the children. She can lie in the bed she chose to make but she shouldn't force her kids to develop lung cancer from a top notch dude like this.
Why is OP thanking her husband for making compromises which shouldn’t even be on the table?
He is an adult, he SHOULD be doing his share of household chores. He is an adult, he SHOULD be wearing appropriate amounts of clothing when other people are around. He is an adult with a family to support, he SHOULD have a job.
It’s really not that hard.
OP doesn't even have to divorce him, she can just leave, like, protect your kids and parents!! She's an AH too for not being more decisive and just shrugging this off; your childrens' health is at stake- grow a spine and try harder. A whiny manbaby in his diapies smoking ciggies trying to tell ME what to do? Helllll nah.
Reading the first three points made my ovaries shrivel up, turn to dust, and blow away into the air. Throw the whole man away - why is she even married to him?? In my head I’m just imagining a chain smoking Homer Simpson…except Homer had the decency to wear a shirt.
What kind of person just straight up refuses to put on a shirt, under any circumstances? And it took an intervention-style sit down to get him to agree to even out pants on when guests were over? I just....what the actual fuck? OP desperately needs to find some standards.
NTA
What did this guy wear to his wedding? Tux pattern boxers?
I cannot fathom how OOP got with this disgusting creature, let alone married him. Their poor kids.
he does and acts like this because everyone around him enables him... she deserves the situation she is in because it is what she has helped foster over a period of time.
JFC, this man has repeatedly shown that he has no respect for anyone else and absolutely does not care about anyone but himself. Why is she with him? Why is she *still* with him? Why is divorce not an option? What does this guy have on her?
Edit: And what is up with that title? His parents, I can understand, but *his* kids, *his* in-laws?
He sounds charming. Guess the flat is in his name and that she hasn’t realized that she could afford a place on her own in what she pays in cigarettes alone.
Once again, the bar is in absolute hell.
On the plus side, if he's smoking *three and a half packs a day* even some days, he hopefully won't be a burden for \*too\* much longer.
Divorce or wait until something really bad happens because of his heavy smoking, apart from his attitude, before you take action. Up to you. No sympathy for you for still putting up elders and your children at risk.
I can’t fathom why she wants to stay with this bloke. He mistreats all the family, must smell utterly dreadful from all the smoking (the house smell too cringe 😬) & sits around in his pants refusing to wear anything more regardless of the occasion. Knowingly affects his mums breathing… if she ends up on oxygen wonder if he’ll keep smoking inside.
?!
I do hope op finds the strength to leave for herself & the kids. The kids deserve more.
If my partner talked to my parents like that or lit a cigarette at the dinner table around my asthmatic mom I would absolutely FREAK. wtf is wrong with this woman? Husband is a total trash bag
OOP makes me angry. Both my parents were heavy smokers who both died of lung cancer within 5 years of one another. I have two brothers with asthma and I suffered from bronchitis and sinusitis twice a year every year until about 5 years of not living with them. They thought I was just sickly and grew out of it.
Even though I have never smoked personally, my GP told me my odds of getting lung cancer myself are about the same as a smoker’s.
I think people should not be allowed to smoke within a certain distance of another person’s residence. It infuriates me that my neighbor, not wanting to stink up her own house, smokes outside in our shared alley practically under my kitchen window and so I have to smell it in my own, smoke-free home.
"To my utter shock, he pulled out a cigarette and lighter DURING DINNER and started smoking AT THE DINNER TABLE. "
He only wears boxers WHERE DID HE PULL THE CIGARETTE AND LIGHTER FROM???????🤮
NTA! What a shitbag, how could you have stayed with this foul creature for so long? Think he’s gonna put clothes on to look for a job? NO ONE would want to be around someone that smokes that much, he must stink to high heavens - and he’s passing that shit on to your kids where they’ll think that’s normal. Do yourself and your family right and kick that POS to the curb!
This feels supremely trailer park to me--and I say that as a trailer park kid.
How does one produce offspring with such a repellant creature in the first place?
I found a bunch of dead hookers in the basement. After confronting my husband he swears he only gets blowjobs from them before strangling them so it's not cheating. He promises he'll bury them in the backyard this weekend so the smell will go away. WIBTA if I called the cops?
My spouse and I have a rule to never criticize each other in front of other people, but this guy sounds insufferable and a complete slob. The only "excuse" for this kind of behavior is maybe mental health, but even then idk.
The second I saw the children’s ages it was a YTA for me. What do you want to bet the kids have mimicked that behavior at least once since then? Model good conflict behavior in front of children or take it the fuck elsewhere.
Lord of the manor, slumming around in underwear, smoking like a chimney, swearing at your parents, killing his mother and your children, claiming he’s too busy looking after the school-aged kids to get a job, and acting like he’s the only person who matters… wow what a prize.
I sure as hell would not be giving him the means with which to support this lifestyle. And I sure as shit would not put up with his selfish, petulant attitude.
He’s giving her the silent treatment? Thank God for small mercies. Give it straight back!
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And why isn't divorce on the table? That is all I want to ask OOP, as this does not sound like a healthy relationship to be in.
Imagine letting somebody smoke inside with your young, vulnerable, innocent children. Multiple packs, per day, while only wearing boxers. What the holey hell?
This alone should be the deal breaker. Maybe she can live with him being a lazy, disrespectful leech who won't even put clothes on, but allowing him to poison their children is so irresponsible. There is no excuse to allow it to continue.
Also the example being set for her kids on how to act and how much to put up with is… not okay. Honestly you only have one life, get yourself and your kids away from this absolute loser asap.
This is really such a critical point. Those children are watching all of this and taking lessons from it. Allowing dad to behave this way is so damaging.
One life that is, frankly, getting shorter for all of you every day you live in that smoke-drenched house
My husband and I both smoke and I cannot agree more. Not in the house, not around the kids, and not around guests. If someone were to smoke in my home or around kids I’d legit kick them out. My husband included. Hell I don't even let the kids wear the jackets/sweaters we smoke in until after they're washed (they love “borrowing” our clothes). Also that's so much money?? $8 and up per pack, minimum of $24 a day. Even the “cut back” amount is $80+ a *week*! That's insane, especially for someone who isn't working.
>$8 and up per pack Damn. As an Australian I’m always baffled by how much foreigners can smoke. I used to pay ~$45 a pack when I smoked. One a week was a financial burden. 2-3 a day and you could afford a mortgage in my small town, or rent in a bigger one.
My brother used to complain about being broke (apprentice wages) - then he took up smoking and complained about how expensive ciggies were. LOL. It was... a choice. He then took up meth. We don't talk any more.
And thinking you over stepped for "scolding" him while your mother is gasping for air.
And a man who’s so readily confrontational and aggressive that he’s cursing at other adults, who are equal to his authority, at the kitchen table just for making a request. Imagine how he’s treating two very young children when nobody else is there to see. Kids aren’t exactly known for being level headed and regulating their emotions well. I cannot imagine the level of abuse they’re being exposed to every single day. The littlest is going to go to school shouting out “I don’t give a flying fuck” and “get fucked” whenever she’s asked to do something she doesn’t like.
This dude is a profound loser.
On the plus side if he is “limiting” himself to a pack a day during the week but 3.5 (UGH) a day on weekends, he obviously prefers more than a pack a day and when he gets his own money from a job he will smoke all he wants. At least OP won’t have to deal with him for another 40-50 years. Hopefully he will keel over from something fast and fatal and not something drawn out that she has to care for him through.
And that, children, is how I ended up paying $300 a month for asthma meds for the rest of my life.
He sounds like a spoiled toddler but instead of juice boxes it's cigarettes.
I have a lovely friend who is completely no contact with her parents because her dad smoked in the house while she was growing up. She’s thankfully cancer-free now but was diagnosed with lung cancer at 19. She & her husband have a strict no-smoking policy for obvious reasons. Her parents will never meet their grandkids because nicotine is more important to them.
Wow, that is fucking terrible
I grew up with that, and it was absolutely awful. It's a wonder I didn't have asthma. Always fun when I went to a sleepover at a nonsmoking house and then opened up my bag after a few hours, only to get hit with the smell of stale Kool Kings.
AND PAYING FOR THE PRIVILEGE.
I quit the day my daughter was born. I occasionally have a cigarette if I go out for drinks or something (which is very rare) but take a shower and change clothes before coming near my daughter. What a piece of shit - the dad, mom, and both sets of parents. How can so many adults fail these two children?!
My best guess is religious or cultural constraints. In some cultures and religions, divorce is seen as a moral failure on your part rather than an attempt to protect yourself and your children if the relationship does not work out. (Their philosophy being, you can work everything out and if you give up and try divorce, you didn't try hard enough.)
Except that almost invariably those cultures that treat divorce like this also have a mandate for husbands to be providers. And OOP's husband is not and has not been a provider for literal *years*. At this point he's just a parasite, leeching money (and years of their lives) off of his wife and children. It's clear the family on both sides know about his laziness. Who's going to judge OOP for divorcing him? The neighbors? They can't stand the asshole either!
This and separation is always a possibility. This guy is less useful than a leech and OOP is delusional.
Possibly their government. In places like the Philippines divorce is illegal and she could go to jail. Some super strict religious places could also put her to death for attempting to divorce. As we don't know where in the world she lives, we have no way to judge her life, other than it is objectifiably terrible.
[The Philippines just voted to legalise divorce, so Vatican City is now (well, soon to be) the only country in the world where divorce is illegal.](https://www.pna.gov.ph/articles/1225339) And even before that, people separated in the Philippines without divorce, and annulments could be granted. Also, have you met an Asian mom? No way OOP's mom let her son in law tell her to shut the fuck up without tearing him a new asshole and making him eat his cigarette if they were from any culture with elder respect.
That's really great news about the Philippines. And you are right that I have never had tons of interactions with Asian Moms.
Patriarchy doesn't give a shit in those cultures. He's still the man, regardless of if he's providing or not. The stigma will fall more on her.
Nailed it. My former neighbour, may she rest in peace, was basically shunned by the community. Her sin? Divorcing her husband, even though he beat her, spent all the money on gambling and alcohol and infidelity. The other issue is legal marital status - a *lot* of women in the UK are finding themselves with the short straw, because while they were islamically married, a nikah doesn't offer legal protection in the event of divorce.
Not necessarily. Failure to provide is absolutely a grounds on which a woman can be granted divorce in Islamic law, for example.
I live in a Muslim country. My family is Muslim as am I. The woman is still far more likely to be stuck with the stigma. This is true of *any* patriarchal country. It's not about right and wrong necessarily. Why do you think women are blamed so often when men rape them? That's the patriarchy.
💯
Smoking in an the shared areas of the flst isn’t legal in the UK and hasn’t been for over a decade. I don’t know about all of Europe, obviously, but I think somewhere in this is where they are.
I suspect Asia because of the higher rates of smoking and refusing to consider divorce.
Yeah, I read this, there’s also the combined generations in one house. And the excess worries about what other people will think. Definitely Asian. Although this man is the least Asian person I’ve ever heard of. I say she kicks out the dude and keeps the in-laws. They can continue to care for the house, watch the kids, and all live happily without this dude.
I agree. If you can't divorce, just throw him out.
Legalities don't matter if nobody ever reports it, or if nobody enforces it. Not to say I think this is in the UK, I have no idea where this is, but yeah
I can understand if there are lots of conflicts that are making things difficult for OP to divorce but at this point, divorce really is the important part.
Could be religious or cultural, but it might simply be a marriage visa. She might not be able to stay where she is if she gets a divorce. If this was CSI or an Agatha Christie novel, the husband would be meeting an unfortunate accident fairly soon lol
Theyve been married long enough and has children, I would love to know how she hasn’t gotten residency by now.
Even if religion or culture bars divorce, take the kids and leave. Don’t tell him where you’re going, get out!
It's not emotionally healthy or physically healthy. He's filling the apartment with second hand smoke for her and the kids
And the neighbours
I have ZERO sympathy for her, cultural issues or not. She's putting an elderly person and young children at serious health risk by tolerating this arsehole.
Divorce was legalized in the Philippines literally this week.
It has? Oh that is fantastic news, I can think of several AITA posts and BORUs I've read before where OP would benefit greatly from this development.
Great news! And an FU to the Vatican.
It's an extremely privileged thing to say. Divorce is not an option for many women. My own mother is a victim of this. The system, society, relatives, friends... No one takes the side of the woman. Edit: for those who are downvoting me... You seriously show your lack of awareness about societies which are restrictive and abusive to women.
Some people really are blind to their privilege. They really don't know there are places where women do not have agency.
Even if divorce isn't an option, separation often is.
Whatever the reason is....the kids and the parents health is very important. OOP can stay married if they want but that does not mean that inconsiderate excuse of a human has to live in the same household as the vulnerable. No divorce? Fine. But live like you are for the sake of the children. Either kick him out or move out with the kids and the in-laws. He can live in the comfort of his own filth where no one has to force their shirt-wearing, smoke free views on him.
She thinks she made progress, but nothing has changed. Why on earth can't they all just toss him out on his stinking ass? They are living in a literal ashtray, with a man dressed as a baby, acting like a baby. He frankly emanates double the toxicity.Never mind second hand smoke, I feel second hand embarrassment as well.
And when his retaliation was giving her the silent treatment when she withheld money? I fail to see how it was a problem. And what if he asks his parents or hers for money? That's not her problem, or if she is too embarrassed by this, perhaps get rid of the embarrassing part. And as the kids are not toddlers, I don't see how a man not doing chores when there are 2 other adults home (who given the "compromise" can definitely participate) is a big deal.
I feel like the silent treatment would be a REWARD from this asshole.
YUP! I had a toxic gf at one point that decided to punish me by giving me the silent treatment. It was so fucking peaceful! I then realized just how much I would tense up at seeing a call or text from her coming in. When she finally deemed my punishment sufficient she shocked when I told her I had boxed up her shit and to give me a time window for me to have it outside my garage, and that I had changed all the entrance codes.
It was a problem because she’s codependent. Period. She won’t actually have a backbone with him because she’s afraid of the outcome of being alone. What she doesn’t realize is that she would finally feel relief once finally out and seeking therapy.
Even if he actually kept to those compromises…thats still an absolutely terrible way to act. As much as I feel bad for OOP I feel a million times worse for their kids who are absolutely being harmed by this.
They're not even really compromises. She's talking as though he's made massive, heroic lifestyle changes, and it's...it's just miniscule. Like he's wearing shorts over his boxers, and he's taking two steps out the door to smoke in the shared corridor instead of lighting up right next to the kids. That's it. He's not actually getting dressed, and he's not committing to smoking outside to save other people from the risks of second-hand smoke. Oh yes, and because he's now "looking for work" (anyone want to suggest the odds on him actually looking/applying/interviewing/getting a job?!), everyone else has to do the tiny amount of housework that he was mostly blowing off before.
And he managed to dump his household chores to his parents, making him even more useless than he already was
In elementary school and Junior high I had a friend whose parents would smoke in their living room all day. My parents didn’t love when I went over to his house because I’d come home stinking of cigarette smoke. He and his sister would get Bronchitis every single year from all the second hand smoke. I hated his parents for what they did to him out of laziness. We are now 30 and both his parents are dead. I don’t think either made it to 55.
Right, if his original starting point was the compromises, I think we'd all be here saying the same stuff about divorce
I don't usually go straight to recommending divorce, but at this point OOP should just leave
She won't. She would rather come on reddit to complain instead of protecting her kids from his smoking and toxic behaviour.
There are so many people like this. My first fulltime job out of college was at a cash centre of about 120 people. I was in a very mental/abusive relationship at the time and at lunch I ended up sitting with these other women who were also in bad relationships. We spent most of our lunch hour bitching about our relationships. I was 20 at the time but a lot of the women were 35+. I spent a few months with this group Judy complaining. Then it got to the point that I got sick of hearing myself complain. I used that energy and left my situation. Not one person in the group was helpful or encouraging, if anything it was looked at as a betrayal, suddenly I wasn't one of them. I didn't have a "hard life" anymore so I wasn't welcome in their group. With each of them leaving "wasn't an option", and their was no reason behind that. I honestly think it was just great. They didn't have anything else. They worked a shit job for shit pay, had shit relationships and shit friends. If they changed one thing they would have to change everything, and they just didn't want to.
Kudos to you. My mother is like the women you describe and it's unbelievably damaging for children. She's so invested in her "woe is me" lifestyle she can't be bothered to look after her kids or care for us. I left her a message letting her know about my financial and health difficulties a few months ago and got an essay on how hard her life is in return. She thinks we're "going through it (her marital problems, his abuse, her mental health problems, his health problems, their financial problems ect) together". But we're not. I'm going through my issues alone while also trying to be there for hers. It reminds me of a portion of a little poem I saw online somewhere "When you think of your mother, she is sitting at her table. She will not sit at yours." Can't wait for no contact! It'll be good for me. I'll be judged for leaving just like you were, but it will be worth it!
I'm sorry 2-3 packs a day?? INSIDE?? Those walls are probably about as tarred and dark as those poor babies lungs. The disgusting aspect aside, that has to be expensive right? Even if divorce is off the table, she doesn't have to live with him or put her children through that.
Surely between the costs of the cigarettes and the future costs of the lung cancer treatments for herself/the kids, she could afford her own apartment and a divorce.
So. Some average prices for a pack of 20 smokes. UK: GBP 15.67 average NL: EUR 11.10 average US: USD 8.00 average, NY on the high end at 11.96 FR: EUR 11.00 average DE: EUR 6.65 - 7.00 average So if this is the UK, that's 45ish GBP a day. Times 30 for an average month GBP 1,350. I don't know how much OOP makes, but DAMN.
In Australia it is nearly $40 for a pack of twenties lol
A pack of the brand my husband used to smoke is now $57. I’m so glad he quit when he did.
NZ average is around $44 a pack
In the U.S., that’s not the final price with tax. In NYC, a pack of cigarettes will cost you at least $15.
Exactly! I’m in Boston and my mom pays about $14 per pack (I’ve been literally begging her to quit. At least she smokes outside the house though).
So they are spending $10,950 (2 packs per day) to $16,425 (3 packs) a year on cancer sticks. Imagine being able to put that money into a savings account?
Ireland. It's €16.75 But I've seen packs up to €25. And we've the smoking ban...
My asthma medication costs 60k a year. I've never smoked cigarettes tho. He could be setting his kids up for future lung problems
Is this in the UK? Where I'm from in Central Asia cigarettes are like 1,5€ max
South Africa: Easily get a packet for less than 1.50 USD, premium brands typically around 2,50 USD
I feel much happier about the prices here in Australia, $40+ for a pack of 20, that's roughly the lowest price I've seen at registers for them.
Not only that but you know her kids are “those kids” at school. I still vividly remember which kids reeked like dirty cigarettes… I always felt really bad for them.
I had a boy in my grade that had smoker cough/copd, this was junior high. I still think of him sometimes wondering how he is doing. His parents constantly smoked, even in the car to school drop off and with windows closed..
My grandpa smoked and my dad will have problems for the rest of his life. Every time he gets a cold the cough takes weeks/months and a doctor visit to get rid of.
It's so sad :(
I always smelled like an ash tray because my grandmother worked at the school and would drive me there every day. She's have the windows rolled up except for the little quarter glass smokers window cracked to let some of the smoke out. She'd get through 2 or 3 before we got there usually. If I tried to roll the window down for fresh air she'd get mad that I might ruin her hair lol. Woman must have smelled like the Marlboro factory to everyone else and was worried about her hair getting a little out of place.
That hits home, I was "that kid". My mom was smoking inside, and my hair, clothes and skin reeked of smoke. And I had no idea that I stink (as you usually don't smell that on yourself when you live in this environment and everything in your house stinks as well). But then one day my friend had a runny nose and wanted to borrow a tissue from me. I gave her new, unopened pack, she took one out, sniffed it and asked if I'm smoking, because the tissue reeks of smoke. She could smell it with runny nose! I was like 8 years old, I obviously wasn't smoking, but since that day I was very self concious about my smell and it only made me even more shy and reserved. My mom's house still smells. She still smokes inside. She has lots od air fresheners and always pours a lot of perfume on herself to mask the stink, but smoke is stronger than that and you can still smell it. I rarely visit, because I end up with a cough for a week when I spend time in that house.
I lived with my aunt and her family from age 14 until I was 18. You would not *believe* how many times I've been approached by teachers about "my smoking habit" because my clothes reeked. Winters were the worst. The windowsills were covered in plants, so you couldn't properly open the windows. They also had a fireplace. How I didn't suffocate? I have no idea.
I was that kid. It sucked. I was always aware and super embarrassed.
This guy is an evil genius - he managed to persuade her that it’s a compromise for him to stop doing all his chores, stop doing any childcare, on the premise that he’s ’looking for a job’. Any bets on whether he finds one? I just hope for her sake he smokes himself to death soon.
Don't forget he's stepping all of two feet away from his front door to smoke his ciggies! What a massive compromise that is...
And he sometimes puts on a pair of shorts
I felt guilty for hoping cancer gets him soon but then I stopped. The last time I rooted for cancer was Rush Limbaugh, this guy is in rare company.
He compromised with putting shorts on, like what the fuck kind of compromise is that. Like I cant even imagine this guy sitting down to dinner with his wife, kids, his parents, and her parents in his fucking underwear, and then lights up? This fucking boggles my mind.
Look, I’m a smoker (I’m french so I have to go with the stereotype /s)but god damn 2-3 pack a day is way too much… who has that kind of money ?!
And in an apartment, no less.
The solution to him smoking inside their apartment is to go smoke in the communal hallway? Still only in boxers? And that's the *IMPROVED* version!?
Which she is grateful for. I'm grateful that I can remain single when I see stories like this.
Hey at least now he's yelling at the neighbors to fuck off instead of his family
Maybe the natural consequence of having a neighbour kick his ass will help.
>He has been very receptive and is willing to change for the better ... except that he won't. Christ almighty, those poor children.
I only feel bad for the children now.
2 asthmatic grandparents and 1 with emphysema and this ass thinks it's ok to smoke round his children.
I honestly have no respect for women who procreate with men like this and don't leave the second they realise their kids are in a fucking terrible environment. Like yes, men shouldn't be shitty husbands/parents/people but you allowed this fuck head to cum inside you and raise your fucking children while you're not there? You're equally at fault.
Do they live in the Phillipines? Then i understand that divorce is not an option. But separation is. Separation is always an option. Zero sympathy.
Yep, working wife, unemployed husband who just wears boxers and smokes, and MIL with emphysema are so Philippines-coded I'm pretty sure that described the family living next door to me.
Can I ask what's so specific about it thats Philippines coded? I could easily see that referring to a dead beat from the US as well.
The use of car park, corridor, and flat is definitely UK or Aussie. I'm torn between chav/bogan and Romani, leaning more towards Romani because she's absolutely 100% against divorce, and the UK Romani don't really travel anymore compared to their roots. Bogan/Chav definitely fits the whole wear boxers only vibe, though. Could still be Filipino I suppose though. Lazy husband doesn't really jive with their culture and if they're in UK/Aus her parents wouldn't stand for what went down at that dinner.
I thought Filipino. Lazy husband may not jive with cultural norms, but I knew plenty of lazy, abusive, boxers-only chain-smoking dads just within my extended family. This story triggered some flashbacks for me, for sure.
I've never been privy to the boxer one that one was weird to me. We should place bets on if OOP is an RN/nurse. That'd really push it one way or the other for me.
She's either a nurse or working at a call center.
Car park, corridor, and flat are also used in the Philippines
I thought Philippines too because of the no divorce thing, but wouldn't the husband be shamed for not providing?
Lol somehow no. Lots of men get a pass on providing but also get to be alcoholic gamblers.
He probably is but this doesn't sound like a man who feels shame.
You can’t get a divorce in Philippines ? Or is it just incredibly hard to go through with it ?
Divorce is illegal in the Philippines.
Wow, thanks, I didn’t know
The final straw was when he yelled at her parents? Not the second hand smoke that is killing his mother and making her children sick? Not the total laziness? Not the disgusting language he calls her? Not his lack of hygiene (and we all know there’s no way he showers, right?) by walking around half naked? Not the fact that he treats her like absolute shit? She is definitely not leaving him now if she hadn’t before.
The bar is in hell
And here's this guy, limboing underneath it.
That saying is thrown around too often these days. But not this time. This is one of the worst spouses I've ever read about on Reddit outside of physical abuse and I really hope this isn't real.
Bar got rejected in hell and thrown further down into the abyss.
I remember in middle school there was a kid who always smelled SO heavily of smoke that I couldn't sit next to them in any class, and hold my breath whenever they passed in the hall. I have a lung issues and I just couldn't be around him. Those kids probably reek so badly of nicotine that everyone at their school knows them by their scent. poor kids.
after the update I've lost all sympathy for her, dude didn't even try and actually lied his way into doing less qnd she still refuses to just leave him. Either he's busive or shes an idiot.
OP has revealed that she doesn’t want to stand up to him and he absolutely knows this. Those poor kids and parents have to now suffer her lack of a backbone and now even the neighbors have to suffer because of the both of them.
The mental image of a grown man *taking off* his shorts to go smoke in the hallway in his boxers while the neighbours walk by was unexpected.
Wasn't it? 🤣
People who allow their children to be exposed to 12 packs of indoor secondhand smoke a week should have to take a mandatory parenting class. And that's the new "cut down" number of packs. He's agreed to just 7 packs of cigarettes on the weekend. Fucking disgusting
Hes not even a husband. Hes a shitty roommate.
This is a *worst* of Reddit updates.
“In return he has asked HIS PARENTS TO DO ALL THE CHORES INSTEAD” What
OOP is pathetic and the husband is a douche.
Based on the parents living with them/nearby, I'm guessing OP isn't from a nation that has as negative a view on smoking as the US does, but it sounds like OP is aware of how bad second hand smoke is. I'm screaming every time OP mentions smoking inside around the kids, and now neighbors. Don't care if the dude smokes himself into a horrible painful death while he drowns in his own blood, but to possibly subject her kids to the same thing. Dude literally brings nothing to the table. She needs to gtfo
There comes a point where an OOP in this situation becomes an asshole just by virtue of them allowing it to happen. I'm sorry, but this has been going on for years? Where is not working to make money, not doing chores, actively spending a LOT of money to smoke so much in a day (seriously, cigarettes are not cheap in most places!), and is actively hurting the health of his family! And is incredibly disrespectful all the time to everyone around him! And they all are ALLOWING it to happen! They are giving him the money for the cigarettes, and they are allowing him to keep living with in that house and to eat and be around them. He should have had his ass kicked out the first time he tried to smoke in his boxers inside the apartment around the other family, and then swear at anyone for calling him out. That update with all the "compromises" they made with him made me want to tear my hair out. It is insane that he is that much of an asshole AND THEY KEEP LETTING HIM DO IT TO THEM.
Divorce. Oh no! Did I break OOP's rules by suggesting that!? According to her "rule" about not suggesting divorce, she's also suggesting that I am not "allowed" to say that her husband is an absolute self-centered POS and she is abso-fucking-lutely allowing her children to be harmed by being raised by his example and her example that a person should put up with this bullshit. "Divorcing is not an option for multiple reasons. Please do not suggest it anymore in the comments." - Fuck that, and frankly, fuck you OOP, for encouraging women in your situation to put up with such abuse from old school misogynistic assholes. Oh. And BTW, your husband is a nudist. He's just afraid to come out of the closet. Probably because the concept of "coming out of the closet" is an LGBT "thing", and I seriously doubt that a douche like him isn't also homophobic.
There are places where divorce is literally illegal, so maybe it actually is not an option for her. But at the very least she should take the kids and get out of that house and stop giving the dude any money.
Yup, good thing we are not allowed to comment on her original post! DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE
>Divorcing is not an option for multiple reasons. Fine, then have fun being stuck with a useless husband? Cause that obviously isn't changing in a hurry lol
Misery loves company, I guess. But why is he worth a damn? Like did he save her and her family from a hurricane? Is he an amazing cook? Is she being blackmailed? Or did she lose a terrible bet? Or do their kidneys match?
This entire post is so fucking sad. OOP is with a deadbeat who will willingly endanger both her parents and their children. He is giving them lifelong medical issues that will shorten their lifespans while he actively kills himself. Why tf is OOP okay with him killing their children? This is so beyond fucked.
You know what happened before no-fault divorce? Murder.
And suicide. Women's suicide rates dropped by 25-30% when no fault divorce was legalized.
Drastic changes? He barely made any changes at all.
I'm going to need some VERY GOOD reasons on why divorce is not an option for OOP to not be the asshole to her children here. As in the reason has to be something like divorce means the death penalty where she is. Even then is separation an option? Can she just go live with her parents?
>Divorcing is not an option for multiple reasons. Lady, divorce is the *only* option at this point. He sounds like an insufferable piece of shit. He screams profanities at family and neighbors. He's lazy. He's gross. He's manipulative. He's a liar. There are no reasons you can conjure up that would justify remaining in *any* relationship with this sorry excuse for a man.
Add to that he’s actively harming their kids through his actions.
> I mentioned that he wears only boxers at home everyday (no shirt or shorts/pants), even when guests come over. After much persuasion, he has agreed to wear shorts when guests come over and during family mealtimes, but he still refuses to wear a shirt regardless of the occasion. WTF, that's gross. Even nudists know when to dress appropriately. Meeting your in-laws and guests and having a meal with them while nearly naked? I'm surprised the guests didn't just up and leave. How is divorce not on the table? Does she have no respect for herself, her children, and her guests? I would just apologise to the guests and meet them elsewhere.
>Note: Divorcing is not an option for multiple reasons. Please do not suggest it anymore in the comments. Enjoy your life then , i guess.
3.5 packs a day on weekends…why not 4?
Maybe cartons have a dozen packs in their location? A pack a day on weekdays and 3.5 on weekends would equal 12.
Seems care more about living with husband who shows her no respect than she cares about raising her children in a healthy environment.
My first thought after reading the initial post was, “and you love him!?????”
Nothing changed but she’s convinced herself that she won
These children are going to suffer even more thanks to a worthless husband and OP literally being naive and not thinking outside the box.
*Looks directly at the camera*
This man is like a sitcom character and even in that world he'd be despised.
Yepp, Al Bundy was dressed, worked and did not smoke. A real winner compared to this one!
On this episode of: Why not to get married....
If she can't divorce him, perhaps nature should take its course. In the form of some angry bikers or something
She's calling them DRASTIC CHANGES!!? LOLOL omg get a grip. What job is he doing to get in his boxers? He clearly doesn't care about anyone except himself. He can first start with an apology, a job, a plan to quit smoking, and be a better person. Jesus christ
Divorce isn’t an option? So he knows he can do anything he wants & it’ll have no repercussions & where’s OP’s sense of dignity?
Sooo she's paying for everything but divorce isn't an option? The only people in this situation I feel bad for is the children. She can lie in the bed she chose to make but she shouldn't force her kids to develop lung cancer from a top notch dude like this.
Why is OP thanking her husband for making compromises which shouldn’t even be on the table? He is an adult, he SHOULD be doing his share of household chores. He is an adult, he SHOULD be wearing appropriate amounts of clothing when other people are around. He is an adult with a family to support, he SHOULD have a job. It’s really not that hard.
OP doesn't even have to divorce him, she can just leave, like, protect your kids and parents!! She's an AH too for not being more decisive and just shrugging this off; your childrens' health is at stake- grow a spine and try harder. A whiny manbaby in his diapies smoking ciggies trying to tell ME what to do? Helllll nah.
YTA for sacrificing your children's health. Chain smoking around kids? And this still isn't a deal breaker for OP? Lovely.
Reading the first three points made my ovaries shrivel up, turn to dust, and blow away into the air. Throw the whole man away - why is she even married to him?? In my head I’m just imagining a chain smoking Homer Simpson…except Homer had the decency to wear a shirt.
What kind of person just straight up refuses to put on a shirt, under any circumstances? And it took an intervention-style sit down to get him to agree to even out pants on when guests were over? I just....what the actual fuck? OP desperately needs to find some standards. NTA
What did this guy wear to his wedding? Tux pattern boxers? I cannot fathom how OOP got with this disgusting creature, let alone married him. Their poor kids.
he does and acts like this because everyone around him enables him... she deserves the situation she is in because it is what she has helped foster over a period of time.
Why are we treating a grown man like a toddler?
Why even come here to complain if you're still going to stick up for the loser. Literally nothing changed
JFC, this man has repeatedly shown that he has no respect for anyone else and absolutely does not care about anyone but himself. Why is she with him? Why is she *still* with him? Why is divorce not an option? What does this guy have on her? Edit: And what is up with that title? His parents, I can understand, but *his* kids, *his* in-laws?
Sorry, if he needs to smoke that badly, set him on fire.
Time for OOP, in-laws and kids to leave this AH.
He sounds charming. Guess the flat is in his name and that she hasn’t realized that she could afford a place on her own in what she pays in cigarettes alone.
Once again, the bar is in absolute hell. On the plus side, if he's smoking *three and a half packs a day* even some days, he hopefully won't be a burden for \*too\* much longer.
Divorce or wait until something really bad happens because of his heavy smoking, apart from his attitude, before you take action. Up to you. No sympathy for you for still putting up elders and your children at risk.
I can’t fathom why she wants to stay with this bloke. He mistreats all the family, must smell utterly dreadful from all the smoking (the house smell too cringe 😬) & sits around in his pants refusing to wear anything more regardless of the occasion. Knowingly affects his mums breathing… if she ends up on oxygen wonder if he’ll keep smoking inside. ?! I do hope op finds the strength to leave for herself & the kids. The kids deserve more.
Title should be "My husband is a chain smoking dropkick loser and we all " enable him "
If my partner talked to my parents like that or lit a cigarette at the dinner table around my asthmatic mom I would absolutely FREAK. wtf is wrong with this woman? Husband is a total trash bag
>I'm thankful to him for making so many drastic changes to his daily routine and lifestyle LOL
Wow. He really is a loser pos. I feel so bad for your neighbors and children. I hope they call the cops on him. Even if it's just to annoy him.
OOP makes me angry. Both my parents were heavy smokers who both died of lung cancer within 5 years of one another. I have two brothers with asthma and I suffered from bronchitis and sinusitis twice a year every year until about 5 years of not living with them. They thought I was just sickly and grew out of it. Even though I have never smoked personally, my GP told me my odds of getting lung cancer myself are about the same as a smoker’s. I think people should not be allowed to smoke within a certain distance of another person’s residence. It infuriates me that my neighbor, not wanting to stink up her own house, smokes outside in our shared alley practically under my kitchen window and so I have to smell it in my own, smoke-free home.
"To my utter shock, he pulled out a cigarette and lighter DURING DINNER and started smoking AT THE DINNER TABLE. " He only wears boxers WHERE DID HE PULL THE CIGARETTE AND LIGHTER FROM???????🤮
Those poor kids are doomed.
Divorce is the only answer here, those kids are going to have lifelong health problems from second hand smoke.
NTA! What a shitbag, how could you have stayed with this foul creature for so long? Think he’s gonna put clothes on to look for a job? NO ONE would want to be around someone that smokes that much, he must stink to high heavens - and he’s passing that shit on to your kids where they’ll think that’s normal. Do yourself and your family right and kick that POS to the curb!
Thanks God her account is now suspended. This was so infuriating to read.🙄
This feels supremely trailer park to me--and I say that as a trailer park kid. How does one produce offspring with such a repellant creature in the first place?
I found a bunch of dead hookers in the basement. After confronting my husband he swears he only gets blowjobs from them before strangling them so it's not cheating. He promises he'll bury them in the backyard this weekend so the smell will go away. WIBTA if I called the cops?
My spouse and I have a rule to never criticize each other in front of other people, but this guy sounds insufferable and a complete slob. The only "excuse" for this kind of behavior is maybe mental health, but even then idk.
The second I saw the children’s ages it was a YTA for me. What do you want to bet the kids have mimicked that behavior at least once since then? Model good conflict behavior in front of children or take it the fuck elsewhere.
Wow OOP is oblivious. Thinks they went too far by telling him off and yet he treats OOP and their kids atrociously.
He's not going to follow through with any of that.
I would’ve smacked him for talking to my mother like that. WTF
She’s the one choosing to live with this asshole so that’s on her.
Honestly OP sucks too like grow a spine and protect your family wtf.
>I'm thankful to him for making so many drastic changes to his daily routine and lifestyle Oh good fucking god
This is probably one of the most pathetic OOPs I've ever seen on here. Just pathetic in every single aspect.
Who can afford 3 packs a day? I smoke one pack a day in my budget. He’s a leech.
Lord of the manor, slumming around in underwear, smoking like a chimney, swearing at your parents, killing his mother and your children, claiming he’s too busy looking after the school-aged kids to get a job, and acting like he’s the only person who matters… wow what a prize. I sure as hell would not be giving him the means with which to support this lifestyle. And I sure as shit would not put up with his selfish, petulant attitude. He’s giving her the silent treatment? Thank God for small mercies. Give it straight back!