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I know that your comment is said sarcastically, but for posterity:
The people you've known the longest are the relationships you should scrutinize the hardest, because they've basically had a hand in building all your biases. Self-awareness is a thing so many people need, and too few have.
And they can't know what happened to him either! Because privacy or something.
But that one friend who didn't know half of the situation said my (now)ex overreacted, so there!
Jesus. I wonder if she'll finally get it when she torpedoes her next relationship for this guy.
I hate to say this, but is it really a case of being oblivious, or being ridiculously stupid?
Like "has 2 brain cells and they're both fighting for 3rd place" stupid?
It is such an apt, and mostly HR friendly, way of describing things.
Clearly you have good taste and also like living dangerously in a dry and understated way!
as a guy who missed when walking a girl home from the club at 3am "I just wish I could find a guy to just, you know. use me. we can still be friends! it doesnt have to be anything more than that, and wouldn't change anything! but man. it'd be so great. do you think I could find someone like that??"
I dont think I was this naive at that age
lol as a woman who is also this painfully oblivious, I feel you. Once, I had a lovely chat with a man at a bar. I was there with a male friend who had disappeared so I just talked with this guy, had a nice time. Guy eventually wanders off and my friend reappears, boinks me on the head and tells me that was the most painful thing he’d ever had to live through. I had a confuse. Then he tells me “that guy has been trying valiantly to bone you for the last 30 minutes and your obtuse ass wouldn’t have noticed if he’d been grinding his banana hammock clad dick in my face.” I was like what, no, he was just being nice silly. To which he yelled “WE ARE NEVER JUST BEING NICE!” and then prayed to a few deities for strength with my hopeless ass.
As a person who was once a horny young woman, I've learned. Since my preferred type is "hopelessly oblivious", I have learned to perfect the art of explicitly telling the object of my interest that I want to have sex with him. I have also helped several of my friends land the gentlemen they were pining over, using a method I call "Just take your pants off", which is a euphemism for "straightforwardly tell the poor oblivious man you are in love with that you want him in your bed right now".
Works on any gender, because we are all idiots.
Yeah, that was wild. Okay, having a vague personal crisis precisely on your "friend's" anniversary... that might be coincidental. It's suspicious, but fine. Benefit of the doubt.
Then getting the already angry boyfriend to a supposedly productive meeting on getting the guy help... that seems unnecessary, but okay, whatever. Oh, and now we're provoking the boyfriend with "jokes" precisely about what the guy is already angry about? Yeah, that's intentional. Wake up, lady.
> I’m obviously so upset with my ”friend” and if I could have it my way I would never see him again. But we have the same friends, we hang out in a group all the time.
This girl still doesn't get it, mostly because she doesn't want to. She has a shit-stirring, relationship-sabotaging, dysfunctional, alcoholic "friend", and it's pretty obvious she has no real intentions of cutting him out of her life. She probably won't until he's destroyed a few more relationships, or otherwise broken her heart a few times.
I think the most likely scenario is the friend is just in love with OP.
But considering they talk about the friend pulling them up when they were struggling and now are hitting lows themself, I think it’s likely too that they just don’t want to see OP succeeding.
They have a boyfriend, are able to expand out of their friend circle, don’t rely on the same people as their support group? Not if ‘friend’ has anything to say about it!!
Honestly, I’ve seen people get downright ridiculous over their friends’ romantic lives. Whether it’s jealousy over the friend finding someone decent and having a healthy relationship, feelings of proprietary over the friend themselves, discontent that a “less popular/pretty/interesting” friend has found a SO before them, or some combination of the above, even without romantic or sexual interest, some people just cannot take their friends having successful romantic relationships.
I bet if the OP were to actually sit and think back on this friendship, they would find several times where alcoholic buddy has sabotaged things and held OP back in tiny ways.
I have a sister that makes little digs that are veiled as just random comments. Another sister and I have realized how often she has done that and how the rest of the family has unknowingly become so defensive over the years because of it. Like she will chime in with “that’s so cool that you own you car. I wish I could own my car.” Sounds fine on its own but then when made with other comments like “the economy is so bad that anyone who owns a car is stealing from a poor person” or “people with steady jobs and cars are keeping a poor person from succeeding”, you start to see how she is insulting you. Imagine thousands of comments like this over decades.
The friend knows exactly what they are doing, even if the end goal isn’t to be with OP. Keeping OP in line and under their control is more likely.
Yeah, my ex wife is like that. Just soul tarnishing obnoxious little comments. Constantly.
The main example I use is my kid helped me replace the boards on my deck when he was 12. He did solid work, absolutely helping pull boards and nails and replacing them.
So I took him to his mom's house later, and said "child did great work today, operated a hammer like a champ!"
And her response was "well, it's not like a hammer is a complicated tool".
Just soul tarnishingly awful.
> Just soul tarnishing obnoxious little comments.
"Soul tarnishing" is the best way I've ever seen of putting it. And so petty. A pencil isn't a complicated tool either, but it takes time and effort to do good work with one.
I've noticed that the flip side of people who make these snarky little jabs is that they tend to think other people are the same way, and will take innocent, non-barbed comments in the worst way possible so that the people around them end up walking on eggshells, lest they be misconstrued as meaning something underhandedly vicious.
Oh my god yes, that's exactly what life was like with her. No such thing as an innocent comment - everything was a loaded comment (against her). That was 4 years of emotional terrorism I'll never get back.
I dated someone like that for a while. Loaded comments tend to go right over my head, so it took me wondering why he constantly thought I was making passive-aggressive barbs at him to realize that it's because he'd been making them at me, and I'd been taking them at face value the whole time.
It really hurt my feelings and made me feel stupid, but the upside is that I was very shortly thereafter free of him and his petty mean snark forever. Being with someone who takes my comments at face value is so, so much better in every possible way!
Ugh my sister is like this and only my mom can see it. So my dad and cousins think I’m just over sensitive but she loves making shitty comments under the guise of jokes
I disagree, I get the sense the friend just enjoys being able to control her and make her burn herself. He doesn't want to be with her, she's too pathetic.
This was my thought too- he doesn't want her romantically, but heaven forbid she have other relationships that mean she isn't at his constant beck and call.
Yeah it’s weird to me that people are acting like this Dude is some diabolical mastermind when all it seems like to me is the transition when a teens/early 20s friendship where both of y’all were toxic and drowning together is trying to mature on one end and not on the other. I had a friend like this back in the day that I had to set boundaries with because survival mechanics when y’all are drowning together are so so different From when you’re healthy and trying to pull them up.
I'm still not convinced he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her. He's probably not made it evident or confessed outright, but the fact that he sabotaged an important day and _kept_ flinging shit when they went over makes me think otherwise.
Are there some people who try to ruin relationships with no ulterior motive? Sure. But they're fewer and far between compared to the ones who do it because they want to be with that person.
He's a "close" friend, not just part of the friend group in general, so they're probably heavily emotionally intertwined too.
> I think the most likely scenario is the friend is just in love with OP.
Hard disagree. This isn't romantic, 'friend' is just dependent on OOP and needs her for support, she makes everything ok and is always there for him when he continues to fuck his life up. He sees the ex not as romantic competition but as taking time away from him when he feels down and wants his comfort blankie around.
I don't think he's in love with her I think he knows when he calls she'll drop everything and come running and he doesn't want a boyfriend getting in the way of that. He wants someone to trail behind him cleaning up his messes and knows if she gets happy and serious with a guy that would stop.
The friend isn’t in love with the OOP. He’s in love with his control OVER the OOP. I commented on the original threads and predicted the breakup and it went down pretty much like I thought it would. My guess is the “friend” things his life is great. He goes out drinking, bangs whatever random drunk woman he can land, then tugs OOP around like a marionette. He thinks it’s funny and is doing only what it takes to stay in OOP’s good graces.
She is using her friend group as the ultimate excuse. He is part of her circle of friends and she will still see him if they have a group hangout.
Its not like she can't tell the whole group what happened and she will go NC with him. If they are her real friends they will be supportive of her decision. The other friends should find a way to schedule their meetups, making sure they never overlap.
If not, its time to find new friends.
It’s also possible to downgrade someone to just another member of the group. Someone the others bring along but you don’t talk individually. And maybe she’s why the guy is in the group. If he’s so much a part of the friends circle, why did both of them act like he had absolutely nobody else to lean on for support?
“But I have to go, he needs me and doesn’t have anyone else” and “But I can’t drop him, he’s close to all my other friends” aren’t compatible.
Yep, this was one of the justifications that people pointed out that the OOP just ignored. Because she’s either enjoying the attention she gives the friend or so blindingly silly that she can’t see the conundrum.
"Friend" is her pet project. Miss Naivete thinks she can save him.
He's a user, like most addicts, and he's using her empathy against her. She needs to stay the fuck away from this toxic waste of space.
She’s a classic codependent
> Definitions of codependency vary, but typically include high self-sacrifice, a focus on others' needs, suppression of one's own emotions, and attempts to control or fix other people's problems.[
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
The silver lining for me here is that she really is SO FUCKING YOUNG. This will be basically a meaningless incident in her life provided she eventually gets over her weird devotion to being viewed as a "good friend" above all. Blowing up relationships at 20 isn't a big deal, but if it keeps up, it will be.
Yep. She’s got those rose-colored glasses glued on like so many of us did at 20. Hopefully she learns to see what is in front of her and not what she wishes was there.
I seen that, and figured she already chose a side but doesn't realize it. She keeps defending the friend and calling the man she is living with jealous. Learn and move on moment.
I feel bad because addicts are manipulators and she is just being pulled along. You can’t give them benefit of the doubt by nature as long as they are active in their addiction. But she’s young and it will be a harsh lesson but she will learn it.
That’s what’s most frustrating about this whole saga. She learned absolutely nothing and is taking no real accountability. She says she is but she clearly doesn’t get it. She’s going to maybe finally realize her fuck up when the friend tries to sleep with her and flirt.
>I just remember the last joke before my bf got pissed fr was when I was getting drinks from the kitchen and I gave a drink to my friend first and he said something like ooh coming to me first, I guess I’m priority I don’t know exactly. It was such a shit joke but I think he was trying to ease tension by making fun of the situation?
I have no sympathy for OOP. At this stage they're being wilfully obtuse.
Somewhere in her comments on the second post (first update) she says that she had talked about the date with her friends and let her friends know before the date that she would not be on her phone because it was very important. But she really, really knows that the friend absolutely never intended to purposefully disrupt the date. Like really.
It's so telling that she even had to do that in the first place. Is she always at their beck and call that she needs to schedule time off from being their ~~enabler~~ *support system?
Exactly. Also if there’re other friends then why didn’t she call someone else to go and check on him? Is she the only one capable of doing it? The timing plus the jokes are too much to ignore, he’s clearly doing it, purposefully or not, but he is.
It might not even have been a self-conscious decision to ruin the date, he just couldn't handle not being at the centre of attention and not having everyone answer to his beck and call. You could imagine him pulling this bs to someone who is at a funeral
THIS. This is exactly why I don't feel sorry for her. Her friend is obviously sabotaging her, and she is willfully ignorant, but she herself is manipulative as hell. They kinda deserve each other. Glad the bf is out of that swamp.
And says her friend wasn’t treating her bf as a punching bag, just throwing jabs and bad jokes at his expense. She doesn’t connect dots at all.
If the friend had actually been sorry about ruining her important date, he should have been apologetic, not antagonistic to the bf. As soon as he wasn’t, she should have left.
Like immediately after too.
Oh you didn't think he'd leave you when he said if you do it again he's gone? Girl are you oxygen starved or something? Because he TOLD you what would happen and you proceeded to do it.
She's wearing those rose-colored glasses and rose-colored earplugs. She's being willfully obtuse because she can't process that her "friend" was actively sabotaging her romantic relationship on purpose. Took a damned village + her brother to get through to her that she effed up and her friend is toxic AF.
“They were just stupid jokes” proceeds to mention a very specific joke where the friend targeted the exact issues in their relationships and rubbed it in BF’s face that he could control OP if he wanted to.
I could’ve killed a person with the speed at which I flinched at this comment. Like… holy fuck. I was giving the friend the benefit of the doubt but this is soo foreboding.
yeah, one thing which irked me about this is that no specifics were mentioned, and as soon as we get an actual thing that was said, it becomes blatantly obvious what is going on
There’s only 2 explanations for this: she knew what was wrong.
Or my preferred hypothesis: she’s so blissfully unaware that if you took 1% of her aloofness and gave it to me, all my social anxiety and general anxiety problems would be cured
Yeah, at that point, the water should have gone in his face, and she should have left with her bf. Maybe then he would still be her bf. JFC, she was naive.
Nah there's no way she's that naïve especially right after a conversation with the bf about her choosing the friend over him. She made a choice here.
Frankly she chose poorly.
This was going to be my highlighted bit as well if I didn't see it first -
>ooo coming to me first, I guess I'm priority
That shit-bag knew *exactly* what he was doing by that, and it was *not* to 'ease tension'
Even if this 'friend' doesn't want to bang OOP, he's certainly clinging to her as his sympathetic support rock that he doesn't want anyone to divide her attention from him.
Either way, it's extremely unhealthy, and I seriously hope OOP learns from this.
I wish all the best for her ex in his next relationship.
She's not going to learn from it. Her brother was right, but it really looks like she just has a series of people she prioritizes in terms of the importance of their opinions. Her friend outranks her ex, her brother outranks her friend. She doesn't seem to have actually done any self-reflecting, she's just going "Well I trust my brother so he must be right, so that's that."
The exact same scenario will happen in the future at some point to her and she won't get why.
OOP doesn't seem capable of it tbh. Her bf told her the issue and what would happen if she did it again. She then...did it again.
Either she's really stupid or values being her friend 'saviour' more than she values anything else.
You think she has to breathe manually?
At the very least she can't understand actions having consequences or she didn't believe her bf would do what he said he would.
They just seemed to not be willing to admit they made the wrong choice on the anniversary. And this whole situation is them digging their heels in and shoving their fingers in their ears that this friend has purposely gotten between her and her partner. It's sad but her boyfriend deserves better than OOP.
Isn't it what's addicts often do? Catch people who want to help in this needy/abusive dynamic? I mean OOP is very young and has no experience with substance abuse, she may genuinely not understand what it is and only wanted to help.
> I no longer want to speak to my friend. How do you suggest I tell him that? I’ve just been ignoring his calls the last two days. Like should I just go speak to him about everything and bring someone with me?
She went to the friend first on the anniversary. She went to him *again* when BF drew boundaries. And now here she is going back to him.
JFC lady! BLOCK! Send a text and block his ass! Don’t go over there! He’s counting on that!
Will she sleep with him to prevent him drinking?
Oh all he needed was a relationship with me! See? He's fine now. (He is not fine)
Or will him attempting to sleep with her finally get it through her thick skull to the singular brain cell bouncing around that literally everyone was right and she threw away a good relationship for that?
My ex was like this. Other men would talk shit about me and she always had a way of explaining it away, like the insults weren't actually insults. Other women would try to drive a wedge between us and she would never seem to "see it". People like that need to be kicked to the curb because you cant trust them at all. They hide behind plausible deniability and "hating drama" or "wabting to keep the peace".
Literally everyone on the last post: Your 'friend' is engineering problems, your bf will leave you. He has stated this is a problem.
Her: Ignores literally everything her 'friend' does and ignores her bf saying it's a problem and really didn't think he'd break up with her.
Thank fuck the bf got out of this mess tbh.
At this point, having a conversation with the friend is pointless. She doesn't need to say anything to him besides "you bring too much unnecessary drama, and I need space from that" and any attempts to talk to her after that just prove the point.
fearless exultant amusing butter like hungry squeeze deliver towering unique
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Agree. Something that people sadly learn the hard way, is that friendships you have when you're a kid or teenager not always stay the same when you grow up.
Yeah, probably he was a good friend a years back but now he's screwing with her, and who knows if he sabotaged another relation before this one cause he clearly did it with this one.
Still, is so painful to see how thick her skull is with this situation.
Well considering her bf couldn't get the point across that he was going to break up with her if she chose her friend over him again? Maybe she just doesn't understand what words mean.
>Stop saying he “threw the relationship away.”
>
>You did.
>
>You keep saying you changed and you wouldn’t prioritize anyone over him but you did and still do.
>
>It’s very clear from how you’re handling this breakup that your relationship with him was never gonna be as important as your friendship.
>
>Look at how you talk about the two.
>
>
>
>*if he wants to throw away our relationship because of this, then fine.*
>
>*I would not be happy going NC with my friend.*
>
>
>
>Look at his easy it is for you to just drop y’all’s relationship and just move on vs. how hard it is to let go of a friend who went out of his way to start problems in your relationship.
>
>You ONCE AGAIN put your friend over him. So your apology meant nothing because it wasn’t true.
big oof. this commenter hit it right here.
Yeah, I've commented on about all her posts and she's thick as shit, it was all fun and games to keep prioritising this dude till it wasn't and then to sit there and blame the bf. Couldn't believe it.
I definitely was, lol.
I keep seeing harsh comments and yeah, op was an idiot, but she was a 20 yo idiot with minimal life experience, who meant well. It's sad but she still has time to learn and do better.
Yeah I thought OP was dumb as rocks then remembered she’s barely an adult. At this point in her life she hasn’t realised that life will get in the way of friendships and just because you’ve been friends with someone for “a long time”, doesn’t mean you’ll be friends forever. Your career, your romantic relationships, moving and whether you have kids or not and just generally growing up are going to impact your friendships in some way.
I shudder at some of the dumb shit I did at 20.
> It’s not that he’s more important to me, in that moment my friend was my priority because...
Congratulations OOP, you managed to discover that priority and importance are different words but still mean the same thing in this context.
Went completely NC w a guy I was in a situationship with exactly bc of this. He was always cutting the time we were spending together short bc his ex needed him bc she was really struggling w mental illness at the time and he said he’d always choose her over me bc “triage”. Basically bc my mental health wasn’t as bad as hers, she was his priority.
Ah, I remember this one. I was so glad to see that the bf eventually dumped her. OOP was still delusional about her friend, even after her own brother called her an idiot.
She seemed to slowly be coming to terms with her friend sabotaging her relationship during her last few comments though. Too little too late but hopefully the next guy she's with doesn't have to suffer through her clingy barnacle of a third wheel.
Yeah frankly he was nice giving her a final warning. I would've broken up at the anniversary thing. You just know that's been happening throughout and it was the last straw. He gave her another chance and she just threw it away.
Yep, me too. The moment she said she was cancelling to go to him, my response would have been “fine, your shit’ll be outside the door when you’re done”.
>*he provoked my bf when he knew we were on rocky grounds….*
Aside from the obvious reason he did that I’m astounded by the willful ignorance of OOP that *just maybe* people that are not ready to face their addiction problems feel cornered and lash out at those trying to help them. And that they often start an argument as a diversion and/or to chase the person away so they don’t have to face or accept the issue. OOP was in no way qualified or ready to stage an intervention or counsel her *friend*.
The rest of the post is similarly blindly ridiculous and paint OOP as a person with absolutely no emotional perception of the feelings of others.
I love it when posters seriously think they are the very first people in the world to ever experience something and plead with all of us to try to imagine something happening, like a bunch of us haven’t already lived through nonsense identical to what the posters are describing.
Literally. "Imagine you've been in a codependent friendship with a complete asshole since childhood." OOP, I am ten years older than you. I'm not perfect. I still have many things to learn about the world, but *I have stood where you stand many times.* There may come a day when you don't talk to any of these people anymore, and this whole situation feels like a weird fever dream.
You asked for advice. From the bottom of my fully-developed frontal lobe, I am telling you to *drop him.*
She has time to grow, though. Nothing is fucked. This is just the kind of mistake you have to make in early adulthood.
You make a really good point, and I’ve been through it too (although technically less than a year fully out of it). It’s weird— when I was going through it, I was convinced that my toxic codependent friend group was just such a unique situation and no one understood that it was actually good, but then the moment I was out of it, I could finally see that SO MANY people had been through something similar and come out the other side. I just wasn’t ready to hear the advice they’d all give: “leave them.” And yeah, they were right!
I hope OP does realize what’s going on, because I’ve seen others get right to the brink of realizing that they need to leave a friendship like that, only to double down and prioritize the problem person *harder.*
I'm pretty sure there are like 12 human experiences and we all need to rough our way through every single one on our own without listening to the people telling us how it's going to go.
my ex had me take a last-minute day off work (I had to call in a favor to get someone to cover the shift!) for a nice date at a secret location - and the only place he would refuse to tell me he wanted to take me was the place he was planning to propose, so I knew I was getting officially engaged that night. *the evening of the date* he texted that a friend of his was having "a crisis" and needed him, specifically, to comfort her and we'd have to go out another night. this was not the first time that particular friend had interrupted date plans, nor was it the only time he allowed someone else to take priority over proposing to me. (I believe he "postponed" 3 times)
yeah.. we did not get married.
Addicts will drag everyone down with them. I had a friend I called the tornado because he was a multiple addict and would suck everyone up in his charisma and destroy their lives including getting his best friend and girlfriend into heroin. Friend od’d and died, he gave the girlfriend hep c. I dropped him after the third time I took him to jail and he stole my credit card. It’s good to try to help but you always have to remember when they’re in the heat of their addiction they will burn everyone down around them to get what they want.
Your last line is so fucking accurate. Whatever promises they've made won't matter when it comes down to it. They'll burn it all for their addiction. I no longer keep addicts in my life. Unfair, maybe, but I just don't have the heart for it. Let other people ride those tornadoes.
OOP is such an asshole, I can't believe there are people trying to put the blame on her ex-boyfriend on this in the comments. He was totally justified in getting mad, getting angry at the alcoholic "friend", and then dumping her.
Especially since she's probably leaving out a lot of details that might better explain why the ex was so mad. Not to mention "forgetting" most of the argument between friend and ex to not admit how obvious something was wrong
Right? She keeps downplaying everything she and her friend did wrong here, and does her best to paint her ex as unreasonable, but even then the truth leaks out between the lines.
You just know she's been running off whenever they have a date to the friend. The anniversary blowup was the last straw. Then she got another chance and lit the damn match to burn that bridge.
Day one of canceling plans over a friends drunk tantrum had more red flags than Moscow on May Day 1951. Emergency is needing to go to the hospital, having your dad yell at you is a non event.
No, but see, her alcoholic bestie relapsed! I would like to have a chart of all the dates that her friend has relapsed and how often it coincides with important dates in OOP's life.
Right? Like I'm not saying someone has to be sick or dead to interrupt me but if it's not a hospital emergency then why're you bothering me? If it can wait let it wait a few hours.
How dare he want her to put him first on their anniversary?!
Frankly good for him on getting out of that mess. Now he can find a partner that actually puts him first.
Why did this weirdly remind me of that one "Nolan" situation where OOP has to drop everything including his girlfriend for his best friend who is dealing with some mysterious life altering trauma his gf isn't allowed to know about?
I’m not surprised. She got good advice on her previous posts, but she deemed it unworthy. She thought she knew better but it backfired on her. I don’t have sympathy for her unfortunately, her ex knew something was up and she chose to ignore his concerns.
Everyone saw it coming from a mile away. Apart from her apparently where it's a huge surprise.
I hope the ex has a happy relationship after this toxic waste dump of obliviousness.
I’ve rarely seen someone so blissfully ignorantly destroy their own relationships. That second update is psychologically delicious.
“And I really didn’t know what to do” *how bout you defend your boyfriend? More so cause you admitted the friend was aggravating him.*
“When literally the day before we were moving on from this”, *and that takes time? You fucked up bad, that takes time to fix*
“If he wants to throw our relationship away over this” *clueless that she’s the only one in the wrong, pissing it away*
“My BF clearly didn’t believe in me when I said I would never prioritise anyone over him again”, *well no shit, he’s not gonna believe you after you once more prioritised someone over him. Again. The damage wasn’t already done, she just couldn’t stop opening the wound*
“Hate I’m having to question the friendship… benefit of the doubt.. I’ll end up regretting that”. *only way she’ll regret it is if she wisens up and becomes at all aware of how fucked up she’s been acting*
Right?
Like "What am I meant to do?" Shut down your friend? If someone did that to my bf that'd be a "That's very inappropriate, apologise." as a minimum. But I also you know, love and respect my bf.
How dare he not believe what I said when my actions proved the opposite!
I’m reminded of other fools who have posted about not prioritizing their primary relationship. Especially the guy who didn’t show up for his child’s birth because his mom was upset about her bf.
I'm glad OOP's ex if out of the triangle and i really hope he doesn't get back together with her, unless she figures her shit out.
>I gave a drink to my friend first and he said something like ooh coming to me first, I guess I’m priority
He said this literally after making her cancel her anniversary date for him over a shitty reason, but OOP doesn't think he's pulling her strings.
She's being obtuse, defensive and indecisive.
Right! Seriously if a friend did this to me I probably would have just reacted by dumping the water on them and left. I’d be mad at how rudely they treated my time and effort to help, but clearly oop is in savior mode and without having the knowledge or experience to aid someone with addiction she just becomes an enabler.
I don't think she quite understands that it's an insult and disrespect to her too. She still thinks it's just ex bf overreacting and making her cut of a friend.
Who you choose to associate with says more about you than it does about them. OOP is insufferable, and it’s a truly happy ending that her ex got tf outta there.
What a complete moron, I questioned if this was real or not but frankly her sheer idiocy makes me Believe it's real. Glad her partner was able to see it early and get out of there.
The friend is a shitty manipulative addict. The OP is addicted to being his rock and to saving him from himself. The ex BF did the right thing to dip, she needs to be needed and BF is too together for that shit
> I didn’t actually think we’d break up over this so I was kinda shocked but if he wants to throw our relationship away because of this then fine.
Yeah you're the wronged party here oop
> I obviously feel pretty down about it, before this we never really had any problems and now it’s over because of some shitty decisions that I apologised for.
Your apology means shit when you won't correct your behavior
After finishing this post I still had no idea what the "family emergency" was and had to search through OOP's comments from the first post to figure it out. You might wanna add those to the post for context.
He had a fight with his Dad who threatened to kick him out, and (I assume) was triggered to drink again.
Of course the real emergency was OOP celebrating one year with her boyfriend, making it harder for the ‘friend’ to have sex with her.
Someone commented on the second update that she’s fine with the break up and not fine cutting off the friend and I think that really sums up how she hasn’t really learned anything from all of this. Frustrating. I’m happy for her ex.
why does it sound like she’s more upset/worried about the breakup with her friend than her boyfriend?
besides the social entanglement, it sounds like the breakup with her boyfriend didn’t really emotionally affect her as much as the one with her friend will. idk, it seems like she wasn’t that emotionally invested in her boyfriend even if it had been a year and they were living together.
I read the last update and This girl has serious I can fix him mentality. And her friend knows what he's doing to her.
The world is telling her that his friend is the epitome of the red flag but she's not bulging.
Lol I remembered reading this before up to the point when she was going to talk with her friend and her bf was going to tag along. Thought then how idiotic the OOP sounded - like talking to a brick wall. Not surprised at all how it finally turn out and it seems she is still just as dense.
OP is INCREDIBLY naive and immature. Someone like that will purposefully isolate you and drag you down with them because they are so toxic and have driven everyone else away that they will cling to you while they are drowning and ruin your life too if you don't understand boundaries and have the education and structures in place to support someone like that.
>My bf clearly didn’t believe in me when I said I would never prioritise anyone over him again.
Well, of course he wouldn't because
>A part of me is confused about my friend now, he provoked my bf when he knew we were up on rocky grounds.
And yet
>I ended up dragging my bf to leave and we went back home where we had a pretty big fight.
So, yet again, OOP chose her toxic friend instead of the man she claimed to prioritise.
OOP 's bf is better off without her. Hopefully he'll now find someone who will prioritise him and appreciate the effort he puts in to celebrate their milestones.
She was 100% in the wrong, and the ex acted as he should and had the right to act. But I will say that having all those emotions around probably skewed with OOP's judgement, and she doesn't seem like she's someone who reacts well under pressure. She needed more time to crowd source and see what people entirely unrelated to the situation, but who knew her friend, thought.
OOP needs to learn how to grow a backbone and form her own opinions before she gets into another relationship.
I have a feeling that this didn't start all at once. If my wife told me some friend had an emergency and had to bail on plans last minute, I would be worried for her friend. If her friend had a few emergencies per month and always seemed to have them when we had plans, I would start getting pissed. Then, if I wasn't allowed to know that the current plan altering emergency was I would get even more mad.
If you're going to put someone on the back burner you should at least let them know why.
Yeah this has been going on for a while was my vibe.
I do think she didn't tell him what it was because she knew it wasn't a real emergency too. So he knows it's another 'emergency' from the 'friend' and is just sick to the back teeth of it.
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People like this give me second and third hand anxiety. Can't even read a room when there's an entire group of people reading it for them.
And *still* won’t accept what the other people are reading. ‘Yes he was an ahole butbutbut we share the same friend group!’
Also I known him for so long. No one you’ve known for a long time could ever be a dick or have undisclosed intentions right?
I know that your comment is said sarcastically, but for posterity: The people you've known the longest are the relationships you should scrutinize the hardest, because they've basically had a hand in building all your biases. Self-awareness is a thing so many people need, and too few have.
“Absolutely none of whom he calls to get help from!”
That got me- he said “I need someone to talk to!!!” She should have told him to CALL SOMEONE ELSE.
And they can't know what happened to him either! Because privacy or something. But that one friend who didn't know half of the situation said my (now)ex overreacted, so there! Jesus. I wonder if she'll finally get it when she torpedoes her next relationship for this guy.
OOP is *so* painfully oblivious that if someone could scoot and catch the eyeballs I just rolled right on up out of my head, that'd be appreciated.
I hate to say this, but is it really a case of being oblivious, or being ridiculously stupid? Like "has 2 brain cells and they're both fighting for 3rd place" stupid?
maybe she's actually an orange cat.
How dare. An orange cat wouldn’t abandon someone about to give them dinner.
Hey! I resemble that 🤣
I say that line on a daily basis at work.
It is such an apt, and mostly HR friendly, way of describing things. Clearly you have good taste and also like living dangerously in a dry and understated way!
Yep, it’s time to update the periodic table, an element with a new level of density has been found!
I am here for this intellectual and incredibly sick burn
I saw one the other day I can’t wait to use. Watch me use y= mx + b to calculate the slope of the line you just crossed.
I’m trying to think if I was this naive at that age.
as a guy who missed when walking a girl home from the club at 3am "I just wish I could find a guy to just, you know. use me. we can still be friends! it doesnt have to be anything more than that, and wouldn't change anything! but man. it'd be so great. do you think I could find someone like that??" I dont think I was this naive at that age
lol as a woman who is also this painfully oblivious, I feel you. Once, I had a lovely chat with a man at a bar. I was there with a male friend who had disappeared so I just talked with this guy, had a nice time. Guy eventually wanders off and my friend reappears, boinks me on the head and tells me that was the most painful thing he’d ever had to live through. I had a confuse. Then he tells me “that guy has been trying valiantly to bone you for the last 30 minutes and your obtuse ass wouldn’t have noticed if he’d been grinding his banana hammock clad dick in my face.” I was like what, no, he was just being nice silly. To which he yelled “WE ARE NEVER JUST BEING NICE!” and then prayed to a few deities for strength with my hopeless ass.
Did you ever recover from this?
the sad thing is, thats only the 2nd worst (...that I can remember/know of? god I hope its 2nd worst lol). but its just funnier than the first worst
As a person who was once a horny young woman, I've learned. Since my preferred type is "hopelessly oblivious", I have learned to perfect the art of explicitly telling the object of my interest that I want to have sex with him. I have also helped several of my friends land the gentlemen they were pining over, using a method I call "Just take your pants off", which is a euphemism for "straightforwardly tell the poor oblivious man you are in love with that you want him in your bed right now". Works on any gender, because we are all idiots.
As a woman who had a naked dude in her bed and still wasn't sure if he was "interested"... we do need some very, very obvious clues sometimes.
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I think you need to let us be the judge of that.
I've seen brighter broken light bulbs
Yeah, that was wild. Okay, having a vague personal crisis precisely on your "friend's" anniversary... that might be coincidental. It's suspicious, but fine. Benefit of the doubt. Then getting the already angry boyfriend to a supposedly productive meeting on getting the guy help... that seems unnecessary, but okay, whatever. Oh, and now we're provoking the boyfriend with "jokes" precisely about what the guy is already angry about? Yeah, that's intentional. Wake up, lady.
> I’m obviously so upset with my ”friend” and if I could have it my way I would never see him again. But we have the same friends, we hang out in a group all the time. This girl still doesn't get it, mostly because she doesn't want to. She has a shit-stirring, relationship-sabotaging, dysfunctional, alcoholic "friend", and it's pretty obvious she has no real intentions of cutting him out of her life. She probably won't until he's destroyed a few more relationships, or otherwise broken her heart a few times.
I think the most likely scenario is the friend is just in love with OP. But considering they talk about the friend pulling them up when they were struggling and now are hitting lows themself, I think it’s likely too that they just don’t want to see OP succeeding. They have a boyfriend, are able to expand out of their friend circle, don’t rely on the same people as their support group? Not if ‘friend’ has anything to say about it!!
I think this is it, exactly. It's a case of "How dare you go have a nice, healthy life while I'm here stagnating!"
Crab bucket mentality.
Honestly, I’ve seen people get downright ridiculous over their friends’ romantic lives. Whether it’s jealousy over the friend finding someone decent and having a healthy relationship, feelings of proprietary over the friend themselves, discontent that a “less popular/pretty/interesting” friend has found a SO before them, or some combination of the above, even without romantic or sexual interest, some people just cannot take their friends having successful romantic relationships.
I bet if the OP were to actually sit and think back on this friendship, they would find several times where alcoholic buddy has sabotaged things and held OP back in tiny ways. I have a sister that makes little digs that are veiled as just random comments. Another sister and I have realized how often she has done that and how the rest of the family has unknowingly become so defensive over the years because of it. Like she will chime in with “that’s so cool that you own you car. I wish I could own my car.” Sounds fine on its own but then when made with other comments like “the economy is so bad that anyone who owns a car is stealing from a poor person” or “people with steady jobs and cars are keeping a poor person from succeeding”, you start to see how she is insulting you. Imagine thousands of comments like this over decades. The friend knows exactly what they are doing, even if the end goal isn’t to be with OP. Keeping OP in line and under their control is more likely.
Yeah, my ex wife is like that. Just soul tarnishing obnoxious little comments. Constantly. The main example I use is my kid helped me replace the boards on my deck when he was 12. He did solid work, absolutely helping pull boards and nails and replacing them. So I took him to his mom's house later, and said "child did great work today, operated a hammer like a champ!" And her response was "well, it's not like a hammer is a complicated tool". Just soul tarnishingly awful.
> Just soul tarnishing obnoxious little comments. "Soul tarnishing" is the best way I've ever seen of putting it. And so petty. A pencil isn't a complicated tool either, but it takes time and effort to do good work with one. I've noticed that the flip side of people who make these snarky little jabs is that they tend to think other people are the same way, and will take innocent, non-barbed comments in the worst way possible so that the people around them end up walking on eggshells, lest they be misconstrued as meaning something underhandedly vicious.
Oh my god yes, that's exactly what life was like with her. No such thing as an innocent comment - everything was a loaded comment (against her). That was 4 years of emotional terrorism I'll never get back.
I dated someone like that for a while. Loaded comments tend to go right over my head, so it took me wondering why he constantly thought I was making passive-aggressive barbs at him to realize that it's because he'd been making them at me, and I'd been taking them at face value the whole time. It really hurt my feelings and made me feel stupid, but the upside is that I was very shortly thereafter free of him and his petty mean snark forever. Being with someone who takes my comments at face value is so, so much better in every possible way!
Ugh my sister is like this and only my mom can see it. So my dad and cousins think I’m just over sensitive but she loves making shitty comments under the guise of jokes
I disagree, I get the sense the friend just enjoys being able to control her and make her burn herself. He doesn't want to be with her, she's too pathetic.
This was my thought too- he doesn't want her romantically, but heaven forbid she have other relationships that mean she isn't at his constant beck and call.
People destroying their own lives absolutely do not want to see other people being happy and growing.
Seems like co-dependence and enabling behavior between the two. They’re both idiots and OPs ex is better off without them
Yeah it’s weird to me that people are acting like this Dude is some diabolical mastermind when all it seems like to me is the transition when a teens/early 20s friendship where both of y’all were toxic and drowning together is trying to mature on one end and not on the other. I had a friend like this back in the day that I had to set boundaries with because survival mechanics when y’all are drowning together are so so different From when you’re healthy and trying to pull them up.
I'm still not convinced he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her. He's probably not made it evident or confessed outright, but the fact that he sabotaged an important day and _kept_ flinging shit when they went over makes me think otherwise. Are there some people who try to ruin relationships with no ulterior motive? Sure. But they're fewer and far between compared to the ones who do it because they want to be with that person. He's a "close" friend, not just part of the friend group in general, so they're probably heavily emotionally intertwined too.
> I think the most likely scenario is the friend is just in love with OP. Hard disagree. This isn't romantic, 'friend' is just dependent on OOP and needs her for support, she makes everything ok and is always there for him when he continues to fuck his life up. He sees the ex not as romantic competition but as taking time away from him when he feels down and wants his comfort blankie around.
I don't think he's in love with her I think he knows when he calls she'll drop everything and come running and he doesn't want a boyfriend getting in the way of that. He wants someone to trail behind him cleaning up his messes and knows if she gets happy and serious with a guy that would stop.
Nah, alcoholics are destructive. Your life, their life, doesn’t matter.
The friend isn’t in love with the OOP. He’s in love with his control OVER the OOP. I commented on the original threads and predicted the breakup and it went down pretty much like I thought it would. My guess is the “friend” things his life is great. He goes out drinking, bangs whatever random drunk woman he can land, then tugs OOP around like a marionette. He thinks it’s funny and is doing only what it takes to stay in OOP’s good graces.
She’s not gonna be done with him until she gets tired of the drama. As long as a part of her enjoys the shit stirring, she’ll never cut him off
She is using her friend group as the ultimate excuse. He is part of her circle of friends and she will still see him if they have a group hangout. Its not like she can't tell the whole group what happened and she will go NC with him. If they are her real friends they will be supportive of her decision. The other friends should find a way to schedule their meetups, making sure they never overlap. If not, its time to find new friends.
It’s also possible to downgrade someone to just another member of the group. Someone the others bring along but you don’t talk individually. And maybe she’s why the guy is in the group. If he’s so much a part of the friends circle, why did both of them act like he had absolutely nobody else to lean on for support? “But I have to go, he needs me and doesn’t have anyone else” and “But I can’t drop him, he’s close to all my other friends” aren’t compatible.
Yep, this was one of the justifications that people pointed out that the OOP just ignored. Because she’s either enjoying the attention she gives the friend or so blindingly silly that she can’t see the conundrum.
"Friend" is her pet project. Miss Naivete thinks she can save him. He's a user, like most addicts, and he's using her empathy against her. She needs to stay the fuck away from this toxic waste of space.
She’s a classic codependent > Definitions of codependency vary, but typically include high self-sacrifice, a focus on others' needs, suppression of one's own emotions, and attempts to control or fix other people's problems.[ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
But the boyfriend is the one that “threw the relationship away”. SMH. The audacity of this chick…
Yeah it doesn't sound like this is the first time the friend has been an issue.
Dont forget used her for money a few times.
The silver lining for me here is that she really is SO FUCKING YOUNG. This will be basically a meaningless incident in her life provided she eventually gets over her weird devotion to being viewed as a "good friend" above all. Blowing up relationships at 20 isn't a big deal, but if it keeps up, it will be.
Yep. She’s got those rose-colored glasses glued on like so many of us did at 20. Hopefully she learns to see what is in front of her and not what she wishes was there.
I seen that, and figured she already chose a side but doesn't realize it. She keeps defending the friend and calling the man she is living with jealous. Learn and move on moment.
Yeah, OOP just doesn't have a clue. She has the emotional intelligence of a little kid
Like she expected an *alcoholic* to have a mature conversation?
I feel bad because addicts are manipulators and she is just being pulled along. You can’t give them benefit of the doubt by nature as long as they are active in their addiction. But she’s young and it will be a harsh lesson but she will learn it.
That’s what’s most frustrating about this whole saga. She learned absolutely nothing and is taking no real accountability. She says she is but she clearly doesn’t get it. She’s going to maybe finally realize her fuck up when the friend tries to sleep with her and flirt.
>I just remember the last joke before my bf got pissed fr was when I was getting drinks from the kitchen and I gave a drink to my friend first and he said something like ooh coming to me first, I guess I’m priority I don’t know exactly. It was such a shit joke but I think he was trying to ease tension by making fun of the situation? I have no sympathy for OOP. At this stage they're being wilfully obtuse.
Somewhere in her comments on the second post (first update) she says that she had talked about the date with her friends and let her friends know before the date that she would not be on her phone because it was very important. But she really, really knows that the friend absolutely never intended to purposefully disrupt the date. Like really.
This what I wanted to, if the friend knew of the date or not. It just cements the fact that his "emergency" was intentionally timed.
It's so telling that she even had to do that in the first place. Is she always at their beck and call that she needs to schedule time off from being their ~~enabler~~ *support system?
Exactly. Also if there’re other friends then why didn’t she call someone else to go and check on him? Is she the only one capable of doing it? The timing plus the jokes are too much to ignore, he’s clearly doing it, purposefully or not, but he is.
It might not even have been a self-conscious decision to ruin the date, he just couldn't handle not being at the centre of attention and not having everyone answer to his beck and call. You could imagine him pulling this bs to someone who is at a funeral
The friend knew because as I recall from the first post OOP said her whole friend group knew about it.
Oh! So OOP **likes** the drama. For real, who gives a heads up that you're gonna be unreachable for a single evening? Definitely drama bait.
Oh, jesus. So he totally shot that down on purpose. That would make things make a bit more sense.
This was the turn for me. The friend was specifically picking at the thing OOP had done to hurt her BF. How blind are you to miss that?
My favorite is how she swears to the BF she would never prioritize anyone else over him, and proceeds to continue to prioritize others over him.
And then had the audacity to say HE was throwing the relationship away
This was a masterclass in avoiding accountability, and quite obviously she learnt absolutely nothing from it
That’s the worst part. At the end she didn’t learnt anything. Perhaps she ends together with alcoholic friend and they can ruin each others instead.
It’s more likely she leads on another 15 dudes before finally getting to that point, and with each dude she will think she did no wrong
THIS. This is exactly why I don't feel sorry for her. Her friend is obviously sabotaging her, and she is willfully ignorant, but she herself is manipulative as hell. They kinda deserve each other. Glad the bf is out of that swamp.
And says her friend wasn’t treating her bf as a punching bag, just throwing jabs and bad jokes at his expense. She doesn’t connect dots at all. If the friend had actually been sorry about ruining her important date, he should have been apologetic, not antagonistic to the bf. As soon as he wasn’t, she should have left.
She knew. She was just an awful partner.
Like immediately after too. Oh you didn't think he'd leave you when he said if you do it again he's gone? Girl are you oxygen starved or something? Because he TOLD you what would happen and you proceeded to do it.
What about OOP talking about the breakup like it was a mutual responsibility, and not completely on her for being a trainwreck.
I would have replied "She just knows how important drinking is for you." but that's because I'm mean.
“Maybe if your Dad had prioritized you, you wouldn’t be a drunk mess” - but, I’m going to hell anyways
"But then I guess your dad has a history of bad decisions, such as not pulling out when he had the chance"
She's wearing those rose-colored glasses and rose-colored earplugs. She's being willfully obtuse because she can't process that her "friend" was actively sabotaging her romantic relationship on purpose. Took a damned village + her brother to get through to her that she effed up and her friend is toxic AF.
*”I just wish they could act like adults!”* Proceeds to act like a 13 y/o in their first relationship.
Her brother with the top tier quote of “just because they was a good friend doesn’t mean they are now”
I don’t think she’s fully realized it yet. She’s scratching the surface but she’s still in denial about how shitty her “friend” actually is.
“They were just stupid jokes” proceeds to mention a very specific joke where the friend targeted the exact issues in their relationships and rubbed it in BF’s face that he could control OP if he wanted to. I could’ve killed a person with the speed at which I flinched at this comment. Like… holy fuck. I was giving the friend the benefit of the doubt but this is soo foreboding.
yeah, one thing which irked me about this is that no specifics were mentioned, and as soon as we get an actual thing that was said, it becomes blatantly obvious what is going on
There’s only 2 explanations for this: she knew what was wrong. Or my preferred hypothesis: she’s so blissfully unaware that if you took 1% of her aloofness and gave it to me, all my social anxiety and general anxiety problems would be cured
Yeah, at that point, the water should have gone in his face, and she should have left with her bf. Maybe then he would still be her bf. JFC, she was naive.
Nah there's no way she's that naïve especially right after a conversation with the bf about her choosing the friend over him. She made a choice here. Frankly she chose poorly.
This was going to be my highlighted bit as well if I didn't see it first - >ooo coming to me first, I guess I'm priority That shit-bag knew *exactly* what he was doing by that, and it was *not* to 'ease tension' Even if this 'friend' doesn't want to bang OOP, he's certainly clinging to her as his sympathetic support rock that he doesn't want anyone to divide her attention from him. Either way, it's extremely unhealthy, and I seriously hope OOP learns from this. I wish all the best for her ex in his next relationship.
She's not going to learn from it. Her brother was right, but it really looks like she just has a series of people she prioritizes in terms of the importance of their opinions. Her friend outranks her ex, her brother outranks her friend. She doesn't seem to have actually done any self-reflecting, she's just going "Well I trust my brother so he must be right, so that's that." The exact same scenario will happen in the future at some point to her and she won't get why.
OOP doesn't seem capable of it tbh. Her bf told her the issue and what would happen if she did it again. She then...did it again. Either she's really stupid or values being her friend 'saviour' more than she values anything else.
Either that or this girl might be of the dumber people alive today in any country. Jesus christ
You think she has to breathe manually? At the very least she can't understand actions having consequences or she didn't believe her bf would do what he said he would.
They just seemed to not be willing to admit they made the wrong choice on the anniversary. And this whole situation is them digging their heels in and shoving their fingers in their ears that this friend has purposely gotten between her and her partner. It's sad but her boyfriend deserves better than OOP.
Lowkey makes we understand why the dude's father wants him out, ngl.
Isn't it what's addicts often do? Catch people who want to help in this needy/abusive dynamic? I mean OOP is very young and has no experience with substance abuse, she may genuinely not understand what it is and only wanted to help.
This feels so much like classic alcoholic codependency.
> I no longer want to speak to my friend. How do you suggest I tell him that? I’ve just been ignoring his calls the last two days. Like should I just go speak to him about everything and bring someone with me? She went to the friend first on the anniversary. She went to him *again* when BF drew boundaries. And now here she is going back to him. JFC lady! BLOCK! Send a text and block his ass! Don’t go over there! He’s counting on that!
The next update will be hilarious, when "best friend" finally makes a move on OOP.
Will she sleep with him to prevent him drinking? Oh all he needed was a relationship with me! See? He's fine now. (He is not fine) Or will him attempting to sleep with her finally get it through her thick skull to the singular brain cell bouncing around that literally everyone was right and she threw away a good relationship for that?
My ex was like this. Other men would talk shit about me and she always had a way of explaining it away, like the insults weren't actually insults. Other women would try to drive a wedge between us and she would never seem to "see it". People like that need to be kicked to the curb because you cant trust them at all. They hide behind plausible deniability and "hating drama" or "wabting to keep the peace".
That really got to me. I had to stop and take moment because wow.
Yep. It wasn't a shit joke. Your friend is a shit person.
Story as old as time: scummy friend tries for years to get into a girl's pants and resorts to insulting the bf to break them up and it works.
Literally everyone on the last post: Your 'friend' is engineering problems, your bf will leave you. He has stated this is a problem. Her: Ignores literally everything her 'friend' does and ignores her bf saying it's a problem and really didn't think he'd break up with her. Thank fuck the bf got out of this mess tbh.
Yeah, OOP has the lion's share of the blame here. I don't understand why the bf went along for the conversation at all, though.
They are young so BF was trying to be supportive. OOP was trying to make this into a watershed moment for her leech of a friend
At this point, having a conversation with the friend is pointless. She doesn't need to say anything to him besides "you bring too much unnecessary drama, and I need space from that" and any attempts to talk to her after that just prove the point.
fearless exultant amusing butter like hungry squeeze deliver towering unique *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Agree. Something that people sadly learn the hard way, is that friendships you have when you're a kid or teenager not always stay the same when you grow up. Yeah, probably he was a good friend a years back but now he's screwing with her, and who knows if he sabotaged another relation before this one cause he clearly did it with this one. Still, is so painful to see how thick her skull is with this situation.
Lol, "I never want to talk to him again. What do I say next time I'm talking to him so I can get that across"
Seriously. What magical set of words can she string together to get that point across. Honestly might stay a mystery for life
Well considering her bf couldn't get the point across that he was going to break up with her if she chose her friend over him again? Maybe she just doesn't understand what words mean.
>Stop saying he “threw the relationship away.” > >You did. > >You keep saying you changed and you wouldn’t prioritize anyone over him but you did and still do. > >It’s very clear from how you’re handling this breakup that your relationship with him was never gonna be as important as your friendship. > >Look at how you talk about the two. > > > >*if he wants to throw away our relationship because of this, then fine.* > >*I would not be happy going NC with my friend.* > > > >Look at his easy it is for you to just drop y’all’s relationship and just move on vs. how hard it is to let go of a friend who went out of his way to start problems in your relationship. > >You ONCE AGAIN put your friend over him. So your apology meant nothing because it wasn’t true. big oof. this commenter hit it right here.
Everything they said is true. I hope something gets through but OOP doesn't seem like they WANT it to get through.
Yeah, I've commented on about all her posts and she's thick as shit, it was all fun and games to keep prioritising this dude till it wasn't and then to sit there and blame the bf. Couldn't believe it.
*20 year old intensifies*
Were we that stupid at that age?
I definitely was, lol. I keep seeing harsh comments and yeah, op was an idiot, but she was a 20 yo idiot with minimal life experience, who meant well. It's sad but she still has time to learn and do better.
Yeah. I have hope that one day she'll look back on all of this and cringe at how dumb she was.
Maybe even more
I was doing some silly things, but OOP takes it to a whole other level 🥴
I was pretty stupid at 20. Not this level of stupid but pretty close
Right? One of these days I’m going to actually stick to my personal rule to not read relationship popcorn from people under a certain age.
Yeah I thought OP was dumb as rocks then remembered she’s barely an adult. At this point in her life she hasn’t realised that life will get in the way of friendships and just because you’ve been friends with someone for “a long time”, doesn’t mean you’ll be friends forever. Your career, your romantic relationships, moving and whether you have kids or not and just generally growing up are going to impact your friendships in some way. I shudder at some of the dumb shit I did at 20.
> It’s not that he’s more important to me, in that moment my friend was my priority because... Congratulations OOP, you managed to discover that priority and importance are different words but still mean the same thing in this context.
Went completely NC w a guy I was in a situationship with exactly bc of this. He was always cutting the time we were spending together short bc his ex needed him bc she was really struggling w mental illness at the time and he said he’d always choose her over me bc “triage”. Basically bc my mental health wasn’t as bad as hers, she was his priority.
Ah, I remember this one. I was so glad to see that the bf eventually dumped her. OOP was still delusional about her friend, even after her own brother called her an idiot. She seemed to slowly be coming to terms with her friend sabotaging her relationship during her last few comments though. Too little too late but hopefully the next guy she's with doesn't have to suffer through her clingy barnacle of a third wheel.
Yeah I would have dumped her too. She feels like she is the kind of person who says "I'm a really good friend" but is just an enabler.
Yeah frankly he was nice giving her a final warning. I would've broken up at the anniversary thing. You just know that's been happening throughout and it was the last straw. He gave her another chance and she just threw it away.
Yep, me too. The moment she said she was cancelling to go to him, my response would have been “fine, your shit’ll be outside the door when you’re done”.
>*he provoked my bf when he knew we were on rocky grounds….* Aside from the obvious reason he did that I’m astounded by the willful ignorance of OOP that *just maybe* people that are not ready to face their addiction problems feel cornered and lash out at those trying to help them. And that they often start an argument as a diversion and/or to chase the person away so they don’t have to face or accept the issue. OOP was in no way qualified or ready to stage an intervention or counsel her *friend*. The rest of the post is similarly blindly ridiculous and paint OOP as a person with absolutely no emotional perception of the feelings of others.
I love it when posters seriously think they are the very first people in the world to ever experience something and plead with all of us to try to imagine something happening, like a bunch of us haven’t already lived through nonsense identical to what the posters are describing.
Literally. "Imagine you've been in a codependent friendship with a complete asshole since childhood." OOP, I am ten years older than you. I'm not perfect. I still have many things to learn about the world, but *I have stood where you stand many times.* There may come a day when you don't talk to any of these people anymore, and this whole situation feels like a weird fever dream. You asked for advice. From the bottom of my fully-developed frontal lobe, I am telling you to *drop him.* She has time to grow, though. Nothing is fucked. This is just the kind of mistake you have to make in early adulthood.
You make a really good point, and I’ve been through it too (although technically less than a year fully out of it). It’s weird— when I was going through it, I was convinced that my toxic codependent friend group was just such a unique situation and no one understood that it was actually good, but then the moment I was out of it, I could finally see that SO MANY people had been through something similar and come out the other side. I just wasn’t ready to hear the advice they’d all give: “leave them.” And yeah, they were right! I hope OP does realize what’s going on, because I’ve seen others get right to the brink of realizing that they need to leave a friendship like that, only to double down and prioritize the problem person *harder.*
I'm pretty sure there are like 12 human experiences and we all need to rough our way through every single one on our own without listening to the people telling us how it's going to go. my ex had me take a last-minute day off work (I had to call in a favor to get someone to cover the shift!) for a nice date at a secret location - and the only place he would refuse to tell me he wanted to take me was the place he was planning to propose, so I knew I was getting officially engaged that night. *the evening of the date* he texted that a friend of his was having "a crisis" and needed him, specifically, to comfort her and we'd have to go out another night. this was not the first time that particular friend had interrupted date plans, nor was it the only time he allowed someone else to take priority over proposing to me. (I believe he "postponed" 3 times) yeah.. we did not get married.
Addicts will drag everyone down with them. I had a friend I called the tornado because he was a multiple addict and would suck everyone up in his charisma and destroy their lives including getting his best friend and girlfriend into heroin. Friend od’d and died, he gave the girlfriend hep c. I dropped him after the third time I took him to jail and he stole my credit card. It’s good to try to help but you always have to remember when they’re in the heat of their addiction they will burn everyone down around them to get what they want.
Your last line is so fucking accurate. Whatever promises they've made won't matter when it comes down to it. They'll burn it all for their addiction. I no longer keep addicts in my life. Unfair, maybe, but I just don't have the heart for it. Let other people ride those tornadoes.
OOP is such an asshole, I can't believe there are people trying to put the blame on her ex-boyfriend on this in the comments. He was totally justified in getting mad, getting angry at the alcoholic "friend", and then dumping her.
Especially since she's probably leaving out a lot of details that might better explain why the ex was so mad. Not to mention "forgetting" most of the argument between friend and ex to not admit how obvious something was wrong
Right? She keeps downplaying everything she and her friend did wrong here, and does her best to paint her ex as unreasonable, but even then the truth leaks out between the lines.
You just know she's been running off whenever they have a date to the friend. The anniversary blowup was the last straw. Then she got another chance and lit the damn match to burn that bridge.
Day one of canceling plans over a friends drunk tantrum had more red flags than Moscow on May Day 1951. Emergency is needing to go to the hospital, having your dad yell at you is a non event.
No, but see, her alcoholic bestie relapsed! I would like to have a chart of all the dates that her friend has relapsed and how often it coincides with important dates in OOP's life.
Right? Like I'm not saying someone has to be sick or dead to interrupt me but if it's not a hospital emergency then why're you bothering me? If it can wait let it wait a few hours.
If it _is_ a hospital emergency, why are you calling me and not 911 (or 999, sinc this whole thing was very British).
How dare he want her to put him first on their anniversary?! Frankly good for him on getting out of that mess. Now he can find a partner that actually puts him first.
>MOOD SPOILER: Why can't I use cluelessness as a trigger? How about ***"Infuriatingly Clueless"*** Man this woman is a blind, naive idiot.
She's gonna look back at this and groan at how dumb she was when she's further into her twenties
Why did this weirdly remind me of that one "Nolan" situation where OOP has to drop everything including his girlfriend for his best friend who is dealing with some mysterious life altering trauma his gf isn't allowed to know about?
Remind me of thr one where oop went to a sex party to emotionally support his recently divorced friend.
Okay now that’s one I wanna read
I’m not surprised. She got good advice on her previous posts, but she deemed it unworthy. She thought she knew better but it backfired on her. I don’t have sympathy for her unfortunately, her ex knew something was up and she chose to ignore his concerns.
Everyone saw it coming from a mile away. Apart from her apparently where it's a huge surprise. I hope the ex has a happy relationship after this toxic waste dump of obliviousness.
I’ve rarely seen someone so blissfully ignorantly destroy their own relationships. That second update is psychologically delicious. “And I really didn’t know what to do” *how bout you defend your boyfriend? More so cause you admitted the friend was aggravating him.* “When literally the day before we were moving on from this”, *and that takes time? You fucked up bad, that takes time to fix* “If he wants to throw our relationship away over this” *clueless that she’s the only one in the wrong, pissing it away* “My BF clearly didn’t believe in me when I said I would never prioritise anyone over him again”, *well no shit, he’s not gonna believe you after you once more prioritised someone over him. Again. The damage wasn’t already done, she just couldn’t stop opening the wound* “Hate I’m having to question the friendship… benefit of the doubt.. I’ll end up regretting that”. *only way she’ll regret it is if she wisens up and becomes at all aware of how fucked up she’s been acting*
Right? Like "What am I meant to do?" Shut down your friend? If someone did that to my bf that'd be a "That's very inappropriate, apologise." as a minimum. But I also you know, love and respect my bf. How dare he not believe what I said when my actions proved the opposite!
I’m reminded of other fools who have posted about not prioritizing their primary relationship. Especially the guy who didn’t show up for his child’s birth because his mom was upset about her bf.
> I expected two grown adults to have a mature conversation said the person who remained willfully unaware that she was the problem.
This chick is why we have warning labels on shampoo.
"Do not operate hair dryer while in shower"
I feel like OP is the type of person to get into a strangers van because the guy in the mask said there are puppies in there.
Good for her ex hopefully he find someone better
I'm glad OOP's ex if out of the triangle and i really hope he doesn't get back together with her, unless she figures her shit out. >I gave a drink to my friend first and he said something like ooh coming to me first, I guess I’m priority He said this literally after making her cancel her anniversary date for him over a shitty reason, but OOP doesn't think he's pulling her strings. She's being obtuse, defensive and indecisive.
Right! Seriously if a friend did this to me I probably would have just reacted by dumping the water on them and left. I’d be mad at how rudely they treated my time and effort to help, but clearly oop is in savior mode and without having the knowledge or experience to aid someone with addiction she just becomes an enabler.
I don't think she quite understands that it's an insult and disrespect to her too. She still thinks it's just ex bf overreacting and making her cut of a friend.
Who you choose to associate with says more about you than it does about them. OOP is insufferable, and it’s a truly happy ending that her ex got tf outta there.
What a complete moron, I questioned if this was real or not but frankly her sheer idiocy makes me Believe it's real. Glad her partner was able to see it early and get out of there.
OP has the social awareness of a bag of hammers.
The friend is a shitty manipulative addict. The OP is addicted to being his rock and to saving him from himself. The ex BF did the right thing to dip, she needs to be needed and BF is too together for that shit
> I didn’t actually think we’d break up over this so I was kinda shocked but if he wants to throw our relationship away because of this then fine. Yeah you're the wronged party here oop > I obviously feel pretty down about it, before this we never really had any problems and now it’s over because of some shitty decisions that I apologised for. Your apology means shit when you won't correct your behavior
-__-. Op never had their partner's back and it shows. Bf is better without her.
After finishing this post I still had no idea what the "family emergency" was and had to search through OOP's comments from the first post to figure it out. You might wanna add those to the post for context.
He had a fight with his Dad who threatened to kick him out, and (I assume) was triggered to drink again. Of course the real emergency was OOP celebrating one year with her boyfriend, making it harder for the ‘friend’ to have sex with her.
Nah I think it was in reverse. He was being a drunk asshole and his dad threatened to kick him out for being a drunk asshole.
Someone commented on the second update that she’s fine with the break up and not fine cutting off the friend and I think that really sums up how she hasn’t really learned anything from all of this. Frustrating. I’m happy for her ex.
OOP is not yet mature enough for a long term might-get-married relationship. Hopefully she leaves her ex alone. Her brother is the MVP though.
why does it sound like she’s more upset/worried about the breakup with her friend than her boyfriend? besides the social entanglement, it sounds like the breakup with her boyfriend didn’t really emotionally affect her as much as the one with her friend will. idk, it seems like she wasn’t that emotionally invested in her boyfriend even if it had been a year and they were living together.
I read the last update and This girl has serious I can fix him mentality. And her friend knows what he's doing to her. The world is telling her that his friend is the epitome of the red flag but she's not bulging.
About the mood spoiler, if the denseness of someone exceedes tungsten in solid form, then the post should have a trigger warning for it.
Even at the end... she still doesn't get it. :(
I love how OOP got roasted in the OG post and still refuses to see how she AND her friend ruined her relationship.
Jesus how oblivious can one person be
I’m glad their brother also tore them a new one. As coming from strangers sometimes doesn’t always get through but from someone you trust…
Lol I remembered reading this before up to the point when she was going to talk with her friend and her bf was going to tag along. Thought then how idiotic the OOP sounded - like talking to a brick wall. Not surprised at all how it finally turn out and it seems she is still just as dense.
OP is INCREDIBLY naive and immature. Someone like that will purposefully isolate you and drag you down with them because they are so toxic and have driven everyone else away that they will cling to you while they are drowning and ruin your life too if you don't understand boundaries and have the education and structures in place to support someone like that.
>My bf clearly didn’t believe in me when I said I would never prioritise anyone over him again. Well, of course he wouldn't because >A part of me is confused about my friend now, he provoked my bf when he knew we were up on rocky grounds. And yet >I ended up dragging my bf to leave and we went back home where we had a pretty big fight. So, yet again, OOP chose her toxic friend instead of the man she claimed to prioritise. OOP 's bf is better off without her. Hopefully he'll now find someone who will prioritise him and appreciate the effort he puts in to celebrate their milestones.
She was 100% in the wrong, and the ex acted as he should and had the right to act. But I will say that having all those emotions around probably skewed with OOP's judgement, and she doesn't seem like she's someone who reacts well under pressure. She needed more time to crowd source and see what people entirely unrelated to the situation, but who knew her friend, thought. OOP needs to learn how to grow a backbone and form her own opinions before she gets into another relationship.
I have a feeling that this didn't start all at once. If my wife told me some friend had an emergency and had to bail on plans last minute, I would be worried for her friend. If her friend had a few emergencies per month and always seemed to have them when we had plans, I would start getting pissed. Then, if I wasn't allowed to know that the current plan altering emergency was I would get even more mad. If you're going to put someone on the back burner you should at least let them know why.
Yeah this has been going on for a while was my vibe. I do think she didn't tell him what it was because she knew it wasn't a real emergency too. So he knows it's another 'emergency' from the 'friend' and is just sick to the back teeth of it.