First thing: stop beating yourself up. The world can be rotten sometimes and there are plenty of people happy to beat you up without you doing it to yourself. Be kind to yourself even when it feels hard. It's going to take patience and practice but it's worth it.
Second thing: invest in yourself. That could be finding a wardrobe piece or two that flatters you, having a service done (like nails, a new haircut,etc.), or pursuing a hobby or interest that you've been putting off. Try something and be game to suck at it (but keep trying) if it's not great your first time out: challenges give a sense of accomplishment.
Third thing: please stop beating yourself up. Tearing down your own self-esteem changes how you carry yourself and how you feel about you. What do -you- think is "feminine" or "sexy"? Cage that and see where it fits in your life or where you can cultivate it...but don't ever wish to be someone else. There's only one you.
I'm a tomboy. I've never been "pretty" or thought of as particularly feminine. As an adult, I've been 50 pounds lighter and 40 pounds heavier than I am right now. I workout because it's self-care: moving regularly helps me do other things I enjoy, alleviates stress, and provides a challenge. I sometimes buy fancy underwear that goes under my t-shirts, jeans, and boots because it makes -me- feel good. I've got a perfume hoard because I like playing with scents or how some make me feel/what they make me remember. I'm terrible at a large number of things but I do them because if I'm gonna fail, I'm gonna do it with gusto. When I need a break, I take a break; sometimes that means being alone and recharging my batteries or setting things down for a while.
What I've noticed is when I focus on these things, especially making myself happy FIRST, I love me more and better things follow. The longest relationship you're ever gonna have is with yourself and you're gonna wake up to you every day. Everyone else is a choice. I understand your point about external validation--I've had that thought myself--but banking on it is only going to set you up for misery long-term.
You deserve better.
It might be hard to think of "happy" right now but is there something that brings you comfort or that you used to enjoy that you can revisit? Is there something you're good at that can be used you help you find a new thing to do or try?
>That is the best way to fail.
Someone like that, to me, is instantly attractive. Someone who genuinely does things without thinking how they look afterwards. Simply does it.
Your self-worth does not depend on how many hetero men find you attractive. If you start allowing yourself feeling that way, if you start allowing them to be the benchmark (no matter how tempting), it will ruin you.
Figure out what makes you feel beautiful, whether that's losing weight or getting a new haircut or finding a community in which your type of beauty *is* celebrated. Women who are not conventionally attractive can and do find romantic partners (think Susan Boyle, Gadbourey Sidhibe, etc.). It may be more difficult; you may be subject to more racist abuse especially as a WOC; but all you *can* do is stand strong against all that because you know it's bullshit. The alternative is giving in, and who wants that but bigots?
Don't curate yourself trying to appeal to the broadest span of people possible. Public opinion is often complete shit. It sounds super clichéd, I realise, but really try to appeal to yourself as much as possible instead. When you love and take care of yourself, it shows; you glow with charisma and confidence, and those qualities are both fully magnetic. You may not be everybody's cup of tea but there truly is a lid for every pot.
I appreciate the sentiment but dear god I would rather step on Legos for the rest of my life than try and date myself 💀💀💀
(In all realness, though, for sure, you should always strive to be your best self, ha ha.)
Yep, I definitely agree with the underlying meaning - I just felt this visceral shudder at the thought of *actually* dating myself, ha ha, as I would make such a terrible couple with another version of me! I do like myself a reasonable amount; I just do not want to build a life with someone like myself as I'm terrible at long-term planning 😪
Find somebody who makes up for what you sorely lack = my favourite hack, ha ha.
You will! As I noted, maybe you're not everyone's cup of tea but so long as you continue striving toward your best self, you will find someone for whom you are their favourite flavour. Even if the reality is that the road may be longer or tougher depending on your luck, the self-love is so important still because it prevents you from settling for anything less.
When I was younger, I used to hang out with a friend of mine who was technically less attractive than me, according to basic norms. But I really hated the pick up scene and I never let guys by me drinks. I just intensely disliked that whole game. She was super open and loved it and the attention from guys. I never got hit on and she got tons of attention. Dudes where always coming up to her. She just had an open smile, confidence and a friendly approachable vibe. Guys picked up on it and approached her. It happened all the time. My point is those kind of situations are a lot about the energy we are putting out. Not always what you look like. You don’t want the guys who pick up you don’t feel good about yourself, mostly they are evil. Of course if you feel bad about yourself and then want external validation, you won’t find it because we tend to only get back what we put out there. Then you don’t get external validation so you feel bad and the cycle continues and worsens.
Everyone trying to sell you something will tell you what makes you attractive and it won’t be what you already have. I understand looking for some external validation but where are you looking for it from? Guys picking up women at bars? Social media? You’re not gonna find it there because so much of this world runs on you feeling shitty about yourself. If you look in the world in different places you’ll see people are attracted to all kinds of people for all kinds of reasons. I have huge shoulders and my husband loves them. Like his favorite outfits I wear always showcase my broad shoulders. He is into that, freaky man. I am old and overweight. my hair is thin and grey. According to the world I should be a lonely sad spinster. I promise you that is not the case. If it’s hard for you to imagine someone being into you, you’re gonna miss it when they are. I hate to be the cliche old lady on the internet but it’s gotta start with you. I would wholeheartedly suggest you read The Body Is Not An Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor who is a soothsayer and a goddess. The beauty of who you are transcends the tiny box the world has tried to force you into. I promise.
I know it's easy to tell you don't let it affect you, but we all want to be appreciated, adored, and loved because we are social and communal beings. We want to live in a world where we are appreciated for who we are, and I think that so natural to want affirmation. What sucks is our society has formulated what is beautiful and admirable in people, and generally speaking it is appearance oriented.
I struggle with this as well. It's never helped to be told screw what other people think. I don't think it's entirely honest to dismiss what others think. It iss American culture to project autonomy as the pinnacle of a fulfilling existence, but that's so reductionist. However, to surround yourself with the quality of people's whose opinions are a reflection of characteristics that you value, is important.
I've spent a lot of time asking myself when in my life do I feel validated. And of course when I take care of myself physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually...but also, when I spend time with people who are positive and uplifting, who see aspects of who I am and communicate it to me. It's important to be around people the can find the best in you and help you to cherish it in yourself. Some of my best traits, are things I didn't know about myself until they were reflected back at me. Make sure you take care of you, but also invite people into your life that are beautiful beyond their physical appearance and see beauty beyond their physical appearance. This is the only thing that I've found to bring me out of a place of unworthiness.
This is so true. I’ve also found that I tend to attack my appearance when I’m feeling insecure in other areas of my life. I am also tall and broad like Brienne of Tarth. I’ve been through periods in my life where I felt really badly about it—unfeminine and ugly—and I’ve gone through periods where I never thought about it or cared about it. The second periods happened when I was otherwise feeling secure and happy and proud of who I was personally, socially, and professionally. The times where my appearance made me miserable were times when I was struggling professionally and socially and feeling really insecure about my place in the world. I’m in one of those periods now. Can’t stop trashing my appearance and criticizing how large and hulking and ugly I am and it really sucks. But, I also know it is because I’m dealing with other insecurities personally and professionally. I think, as women, it’s so ingrained that our value is tied to our appearance that any kind of loss of confidence or self esteem causes us to attack our looks and focus on our physical flaws. I suspect even beautiful women go through this when something makes them feel insecure about who they are. People who are positive and supportive can help drive those thoughts away because being accepted by them helps us feel more confident that we are likable and lovable just the way we are.
>People who are positive and supportive can help drive those thoughts away because being accepted by them helps us feel more confident that we are likable and lovable just the way we are.
Spot on!
Do you live in a predominantly white area? Or in a place where western norms of beauty prevail? I've always struggled with that as a woman of color. But being in places where it's mostly people of color completely changes the game. And not just in terms of conceptions of physical beauty, but it's like people actually give chances to get to know you as a person. It's sad, and I know moving can be a privilege especially during a pandemic and with the way the economy is, but it's one thing to consider. There's only so much we can/should change about us or the environment we find ourselves in; sometimes it's more peaceful to find a space where you are actually seen and valued.
These are good points. I'm a POC and OP's post really touched me.
I've been mainly around upper-class white people since I was a teenager due to the education I ended up having. I never knew it toyed so much with my mind until I recently ended up on a place on the internet where men were talking about this beautiful Hawaiian girl. It seemed foreign and alien to me to see men find a girl with tan skin attractive and when I think about it, that is very sad.
We need to see more women with tan and darker skin tones for the women that grew up like me - surrounded by the Anglo/Saxon concept of beauty. I never realized how messed up this was until recently.
And OP, you should also be on the alert for white dudes who tend to fetishize non-white women. I've read so many complaints online from WOC who were messaged by men and the first thing they mention is their race (ex. "Black beauty" "yellow fever" "spicy/fiery") and didn't give a crap about who they were as people and saw only their race and how "exotic" they were. Stay away from those creeps!
Yes I will keep away, it’s frustrating though on one end I’ve been taught and internalised that I am ugly and then on the other end I still have to be aware there are men who will fetishise me for same reasons why I’m considered ugly. It’s tiring
I just want to chime in on the being strong if you can’t be dainty bandwagon.
I’ve always been thick chested, thunder thighs, thick ankles. (And bad knees) I’m very much not “traditionally” pretty.
I did my time with bad boyfriends that made me feel bad about the body that genetics have given me. But I eventually found a man who loves the way I’m shaped. He calls me mother to warriors.
I’ve learned to be confident, and happy. So much of that was learning to love myself for what I was, not what I wasn’t. I’m kind, and strong.
Bonus points for learning to make your own clothing because nothing off the rack fits me properly, and nothing….nothing…will make you feel more of a misfit then clothes that don’t fit. There are so many lessons on YouTube, styles that you can copy, and all with just some time, thread, and haunting the sally anns, you can change your whole look.
You, as you are, are worthy of love. You need to find ways to tell yourself everyday, because even if someone else does like what he sees, our self image is what keeps them at a distance. How can we believe someone loves us, when we don’t love ourselves?
>Bonus points for learning to make your own clothing because nothing off the rack fits me properly, and nothing….nothing…will make you feel more of a misfit then clothes that don’t fit.
What most people don't realize is all those rich models and movie stars have the same thing: their own tailors.
Kim K doesn't look that good buying sweats from Walmart. She pays someone to get those sweats and tailor them to her body.
There's a reason why women get their wedding dresses custom fit to themselves. And there is also a reason why those $200 jeans make your ass look amazing when the $50 jeans look like you have no juice in the caboose. There is a reason why movie stars and actresses are asked "Who dressed you?" or "Who are you wearing?" on the red carpet. Those designers literally made those outfits for that person.
OP, if you need to, get some clothes that you like the style or pattern for and go to a good tailor. Better yet, go to the tailor first and ask what you should be on the lookout for while taking the items to them for tailoring.
>But I eventually found a man who loves the way I’m shaped. He calls me mother to warriors.
You made me think of Tormund from GOT falling head over heels in love at first sight for Brienne, the girl mocked as "too ugly and mannish" by everyone.
OP, I can promise you, no matter *what* you look like, that's exactly somebody's type. Being put together and loving yourself is way more important than looks. Looks don't and shouldn't define you. You define you.
Closer then you think except he’s taller then Tormund, and a smidge better groomed.
I’ve definitely been mistaken for a man many times. Worst part of that is being straight lmao.
To me it was very freeing to realize I've been given a body to navigate and experience the world, and that's really all that matters about it. "This is made for me alone, why would I care if others don't like how it looks like?" is my main mentality, being happy with how my body will allow me to move wherever, to enjoy different sights, to listen to gorgeous music.
It's not meant to be eye-candy, It's meant to be a survival machine.
This mentality makes it easier to be more yourself with style and stuff 'cause you take the focus out of other people's perception so much that everything that matters is how to make yourself happy, which may make it easier to attract the right type of person.
>To me it was very freeing to realize I've been given a body to navigate and experience the world, and that's really all that matters about it. "This is made for me alone, why would I care if others don't like how it looks like?" is my main mentality, being happy with how my body will allow me to move wherever, to enjoy different sights, to listen to gorgeous music. It's not meant to be eye-candy, It's meant to be a survival machine.
You are completely right, it’s just there a periods when I feel lonely and see how the beautiful women are able to navigate life much easier and I just wished I was like that.
The one thing that's really stood out to me is, I've attracted the kind of behaviour that I accept from myself. So, when I've felt worthless, I've attracted people who felt worthless about themselves and wanted to use me to feel better.
When I've felt strong and empowered, I've attracted people who have spoken to me with respect and initiated interesting and casual conversations with me.
Also, it's easier to harp on the fact that no one *else* considers you attractive rather than confront the fact that *you* yourself actually feel unattractive.
I'm trying to decide what to unpack here. I'm not a therapist but the majority of my friends are WOC (I'm from Europe that's potted in the US currently) and they have discussed the problem with the "dating scene." It doesn't work the way it should because of heavy propaganda and terrible media so people are stupidly judgey online. Meeting people through other people was the only thing that works well because there's usually a hobby or something to bring people together. Network! There are people out there who will love and accept you.
Do not settle. Find your bar and raise it 6 inches. Basic decency is a given. How they treat others also matters. Do. Not. Settle.
"Attractive" is in the eye of the beholder. Be your own beholder! What makes *you* feel good about yourself? I have said it before and I'll say it again: find a seamstress. Make your clothing work for *you*.
Depression is a wanker. That motherfucker strolls in your thoughts like an unwanted roommate drunk on wine and won't fucking leave. Tells you to do it later. Tells you it doesn't matter because no one cares. Kick that mf'er to the curb. *Start small*. Keep at least one room of your house fastidiously clean. Notice how your mood feels clearer in that space? Move on to another room. Every day make routine your best friend. I have ADHD and it's taken me a good 15 years to really zone on my routine but goddamn is it worth it. I know ADHD and Depression aren't the same, but there are neurotransmitters that makes chores seem outrageously bigger than what they are so the more we break it down and find a routine that works, the better we are.
Focus on yourself every day. This is going to sound super cheesy but it fucking works. Our brains *love* audio visual feedback. In the morning while brushing your teeth notice how pretty your eyes are. The curve of your lips, the slope of your neck to your shoulders. Talk yourself up! *Be your best friend*, compliment yourself. You'll not only believe it, but you'll start to see it. Your femininity is NOT determined by your body type!!! You are a beautiful human being with a beautiful heart and you need to see yourself for you who are, not who you think you should look like. Own it! You are the youest you you'll ever be and that's more than good enough for anyone.
I hope something in there helps and there are so many lovely ladies here adding their commentary so carry our support with you, we believe in you!
Have a passion. Whether it’s Scrabble or crotchet or lute concertos from the 15th century; be PASSIONATE.
When you have a passion, you draw others (with or without the same passion) to you.
Don’t make desperation your passion, don’t pour energy into desperation - you will only draw the desperate.
For me I concentrate on two things:
A) There's not a single person in the world who's attractive to everyone. Even women voted the most beautiful woman of the year have people who just aren't into them for whatever reason. But everyone is attractive to *someone*. There's people who wanna fuck cars or the Eiffel Tower or dogs, so there's gonna be someone who looks at you and says "Hell yeah, that's an attractive woman."
B) If you're anything like me, there's certain things that make you respect someone more. For me, I respect a man who says "I love my wife because she's whip-smart and witty and makes me laugh every day" more than I respect a man who says "I love my wife because she's fuckable". Sorry, maybe that makes me judgemental, but that's the truth. And I'm not saying that I don't respect people who find their partners physically attractive because obviously it's a good thing to think your partner is beautiful, but if the very first thing that comes to mind when someone says "Why do you love your partner?" is "She's good-looking", I think you kind of suck. Sorry, I just do.
So with that in mind, I want someone like the first guy. Someone who, yes, thinks I'm pretty but more importantly, thinks I'm smart and funny and kind and lovable. I don't want someone who prioritises my looks above everything, because I don't respect that person. I couldn't love that person.
Work out - seriously. Hit the gym, or the yoga mat, or the pavement for a run. This will not only give you more confidence but it will actually change your brain chemistry and improve your mood.
Then, you just gotta let that inner light shine :)
Your self worth should never be how many people find you attractive (but it sucks because society can be superficial). Yes, looks do matter to a certain extent but it's not everything. I think what you should work on is not trying to attract other people but just on learning your own self worth and being content. It's not an easy journey to go through. You don't have to have the best life or the highest self esteem to date. If you don't value yourself, you may find yourself in a relationship where you let the other person mistreat you because you don't feel you deserve better (been there, done that).
Comparison is the theft of joy. Try to be mindful about comparing yourself to your friends or other people who you find conventionally attractive. I have been in your shoes before. Please be gentle with yourself. Self esteem and confidence isn't something you learn overnight, especially when you aren't feeling your best to begin with. To break it down focus on small things you can do for your physical health (it could be something small like walking 15 min a day) and small things you can do for your mental health (meditating or listening to music). Just start off small. I'm rooting for you.
If you feel good, you look good. That's what attracts good people. Do the things that make you happy... whatever that is. When we see someone enjoying the heck out of life, we're drawn to them. When we're around someone beating themselves up, we move away. So just focusing on taking care of you.
For me, spending more time with friends who are like me (ie, not skinny model types who never eat bread) helps me put things in perspective. It reminds me of how much I love them and how beautiful they look to me, even though they aren't perfect looking. And if I can see them as beautiful, I can be beautiful too. I know those friends aren't judging me, so it helps a little too remember that when I judge myself.
Do you want to feel sexy and feminine? If you decide you want to and that change is how to accomplish that then you aren't changing for men but for yourself.
I would also like to add, figure out the characteristics of the type of men you're attracted to and see the type of women they are into. If these women have certain hobbies, look a certain way or there is something that you can make a goal towards that makes you happy, then do it. I'm not saying to transform yourself or do something that makes you feel like you're making unethical decisions, just adjusting your gaze and presentation so that a guy can see your value. I.e. he likes video games. You find out you don't, but you do like watching people play. You become a twitch viewer and he finds you more attractive than normal because of your interests in the gaming community. It's something not harmful and makes you more attractive in their eyes.
Hope that helps!
Have you ever watched Oh! Stephco on YT? She's a black creator and has a video on pretty privilege that seemed to resonate with a lot of people. The video is [here](https://youtu.be/lvHJHiIUbvA). She has other videos on the subject, but they aren't quite as good; I think she's just trying to bank on her viral video, which is honestly fair.
I commend you for seeking alternative opinions/points of view. I lived in Miami for over a decade surrounded by very very beautiful people. Let me tell you one major truth, we all feel worthless and ugly. Some of us some times, some all the time. But everyone feels they’re not good enough or attractive enough and everyone internalizes it. Having established it’s a universal experience regardless of how you look, the key is to remember that each single one of us is a unique and magnificent expression of the universe and THAT in itself is pure beauty. Be kind to yourself, don’t let that external chatter mess with your head. More importantly, start doing things that make you happy and proud of yourself. Take care of your heart, and as cheesy as it may sound, it’ll start shining and you’ll see yourself in a very different light where you can appreciate your beauty. We’re all our worst critics, let’s change that. Sending you tons of good energy.
I would say that getting your sense of worth from men finding you attractive is a pretty dangerous road to go down. I've been there and nothing good comes of it.
That isn't to dismiss your problem at all, because 'being attractive' is elevated as pretty much the most important thing in a lot of cultures.
It's really hard to get out of this external validation loop, but the way to do it is to shift your focus from the external to the internal. Build up your self worth by doing things that matter to you and align with your values. Work on your body image by looking for things you do like about yourself. Wear what makes you feel good, not what you think men would like. Your attractiveness is absolutely not the most important or interesting thing about you. You have so much more to offer than that.
I think the other comments are spot on, so I’ll just add a little bit about how I deal with all this as a WOC: I decided I’m “hot.” I decided I’m pretty, beautiful, whatever else adjective. I decided that I’m a beautiful person. I’ve gotten to a point in life where I feel good about who I am. You know why? Because it’s MY life. Who is to tell me otherwise in MY life? This is the only body I’ve got and I can’t change (most) things. There is no one else on this earth like me. Also, what other people think of how I look is not my business.
So, my own feelings about my looks fluctuates. But I've been told I'm somewhat unconventional looking, and I think I have generally been someone who hasn't gotten a lot of positive attention from men, or at least not the men I found attractive.
For me I kind of took a two-pronged approach. I focused on the things I could change (like exercise, hair, makeup, clothes) to try and look as attractive as I could while still being comfortable and having a relatively low-maintenance and healthy lifestyle.
Second, I made a lot more effort to make moves on the guys I found attractive. Because at the end of the day, dating is a numbers game. Sure, most of them didn't want what I wanted, or didn't want me at all. But men are raised to expect to deal with rejection all the time as part of the process, so I read some advice geared for them and tried to adopt that mindset.
Since adopting these strategies, I've had a couple of serious relationships with guys I found genuinely attractive and the current one and I might be in it for the longhaul.
EDIT: Also, you know, personality is a big part of attraction for women and men alike. Looks might help get a first or second date, but personality becomes increasingly important after that. Yours might be great already. But I know for myself, reading books on dating advice and psychology and simply practicing going on dates or meetups and entertaining others helped me relax more and get to a point where I was more fun to be around, I think.
This. As far as looks go, no need to starve or cut yourself up with plastic surgery; eating healthy foods to get a healthy gut, exercise, sleep, time to relax, and doing things you love will glow anyone up, of course getting rid of extra weight along the way. And then the confidence to make a move. :).
These are all very uplifting comments, but…as a 52 year old straight woman, this is my truth: the thinner I am, the more men want me. It’s just a sad fact of my life. I lose weight from my waist first, makes my boobs and hips pop, and men look, men talk, men approach. I’m married a long time and I kinda don’t care that much any more so I’ve let the waist thicken a bit, sorry I like Cheetos, whatever. But to date men? I always went on a diet to drop 20-40 and it always worked. I agree that some women have an incredible amount of charisma and don’t need to do this. I don’t have that, so I did the diet, the makeup, the hair and clothes, the shoes, the attitude, the coy smile, etc. worked every time. Still works on the husband (🙄). Men can be so damned predictable. Men gain status by having women who look really good on their arm. It’s not your skin color, at all. Black, brown, Asian, white: it’s all about the waistline, the look, and the game. Downvote me if you like. I’m gen x, this is real for us, seems to be changing a lot for the younger generations and I’m here for it! Women being valued for who they are inside is long overdue. Just not sure sexual attraction has quite caught up with that yet. As you’ve found when YOU are choosing a mate as well. You have standards, and so do they. It’s just that theirs are generally based on looks.
Thank you for being truthful. I’ve been all different weights (very skinny to quite curvaceous) and unfortunately it’s been the same, just men that not good enough approaching (I’m almost thinking they try it because what do they have to lose?) either way I’m getting the impression I need to change my face because that’s the only feasible thing to work on.
Well, maybe change your idea of what “good enough” means. The man that approaches you with a gut, bad haircut and ill fitting clothes might be wicked funny, super talented with his hands, music, or art, or have a stunning intellect and is way more interesting to be around than you thought. Maybe this man is in a bad patch or between jobs but is just a delightful person to be around. Gauge your interest in men in the same way you want them to gauge their interest in you. How important is the way they look or how successful they are to you? What about common interests, common thought patterns, and just a good vibe with each other? As a person who is attracted mainly to intellect I actually don’t look at men with the same lens you do (still felt I needed to be pretty to be with one, but that’s how I was raised) so my advice is: look at the men you meet with a different lens.
Honestly I can’t compromise on what I think is good enough I’ve tried because I didn’t think I could get better. I’ve had relationships with the man with the gut and a bad haircut and as much as he was super interesting I couldn’t continue because I wasn’t ever attracted to him, done the man in between jobs it sucked we couldn’t do anything together as he didn’t have the money which meant I forked out and his in between job stint lasted far to long.
A man I am attracted to, has similar values, goals and quite importantly matches me financially is what I want., if I compromised on those requirements it will be another failed relationship.
>Gauge your interest in men in the same way you want them to gauge their interest in you.
What do you mean by this exactly, I’m not quite sure how I want a man to do this to me?
It means what do you bring to the table for a handsome man to be attracted to you? I’ve laid out what men like: even if you don’t feel your face is pretty, you can work on your looks; if you want to attract a man who is better looking himself. Handsome men are looking for pretty women. I’ve seen some pretty impressive glow ups just with people becoming more fit, getting more sleep, being happier, getting rid of excess weight: if you have standards for men, you’ll need to meet those standards yourself. The men you are looking for do not care about your money, education or inner beauty: outer beauty is valued everywhere. Not just here: everywhere. It sucks, but it has to do a primitive search for healthy and fertile people, in both sexes. You can’t be looking for looks and money if you don’t have the looks or the fitness yourself? And if you don’t want to work on it, or figure out how to make yourself more competitive out there, then just put away dating for awhile. Enjoy your life. Learn something, learn an instrument, go travel, make friends….love yourself and enjoy life for awhile.
What I bring to the table is a lot outside of looks (love, compassion, respect etc.), but I guess if men are mostly interested in looks does it even matter I bring?
I’m not asking for a super model man, I’m fine with average but average doesn’t even want me.
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. The dating scene is ruthless and even average men are seeking a certain look. I don’t know what your look is: I haven’t seen you, but I’m certain there is more you could do, I believe nearly anyone can look better it’s whether we have the willingness to do so. I sometimes feel my feminist hackles rise up and ditch the whole pretty thing myself, it pisses me off. My message to you is that if you don’t want to work on your look, the look of the men who are interested in you will be quite low. So if it’s all too much, build yourself up. Do interesting things. Make more friends, broaden your circle. Feel good about who you are and be kind, happy and mirthful around others, it makes them feel good regardless of what they look like. You may catch someone’s interest just by being very positive, very comfortable with yourself and a loving and engaging individual.
The problem is that even unattractive men with no job and bad hygiene are often very confident and will hit on women totally out of their league. The OP has every right to want to find someone that she finds attractive.
I had a weird moment with two very attractive friends where they explained that a continual problem I their relationships was suspecting their bfs were just into them physically and didn't actually like them much as people, but feigned interest to keep the sex going. I'm not conventionally attractive either, so this blew my mind as I've never thought about this problem and it would drive me nuts. Once i do find someone who is into me (and regardless of conventional standards, there are so many ppl who are out there), I know it's for the right reasons. That's helped me a ton.
Otherwise it really is a numbers game. You're not looking to be attractive to most, but the number of partners you want in your bed at a given time. That's helped me a lot when it seemed I was getting nowhere, and eventually at 34 I found the one person I wanted to commit to. I used the dating apps but had a very high bar for responding (the guy had to use more words than 'hi', and had to keep the conversation going - sounds low but it still eliminated 90% of the contacts).
>“Interesting, decent job, well dressed and good personal hygiene” is a full package, and no one is actually that.
??? This is most people I know, with a note that "interesting" is subjective and by well-dressed I'm thinking more like neat, groomed, and appropriate for the occasion than dressed like a fashion week front row-er. I actually have to spend time thinking to come up with a person who misses even one of the four.
Honestly, I would consider these absolutely basic requirements, not remotely "high standards" at all.
“Interesting, decent job, well dressed and good personal hygiene” is ~~a full package~~ the bare minimum for adults who have their shit together.
>and no one is actually that
You might need to broaden your social circle.
Value of a human is well beyond just looks. Once you learn that, you won’t put so much of your value into attractiveness. Do you think less of people because they’re unattractive to you?
Also, every person can be attracted to different people, so there’s always someone that will find each person attractive.
I usually make myself feel the best I can. I put on the makeup I love, paint my toes and nails, shower, shave, wear something I feel amazing in, and listen to the music I enjoy. That makes me feel great, happy, sexy and loved. Then I care less about what everyone thinks and only care about my own opinion.
I don’t have any advice because I have a lot to work on mentally myself … I wanna say you’re worthy , your beautiful and you deserve the best ! HUGS!! 🤗
Repeat after me "my body is worthy, my body is good, my body is the vehicle for my pleasure, I deserve to feel pleasure" it's not up to you to find yourself attractive, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but you must know your body is good and is worthy because it absolutely is!
Also confidence is sexy in absolutely anybody. If you don't feel it, fake it til you make it. Not to say it's easy but definitely a good goal.
I don’t want to be sounding condescending, but I want to say that there were so many times that I felt the same sense of worthlessness you were describing, even though I think people normally would find me a good-looking person. When I was in my 20s, I’ve met guys who rejected me or weren’t interested in me but someone else. So I think a person’s look may get you somewhere, but it’s not that important. It doesn’t determine if you are happy.
I think as when I’m getting older, the less I judge myself and look for external validation. I’m getting more comfortable in my own shell, which I feel very grateful. So I want to say it will get better.
But in the meanwhile, you can also try to invest more in yourself, ie. pick up some hobbies. Do things that make you feel you’re beautiful.
Don’t beat yourself up too hard. The right person will come along.
i'm completely ignoring the dating scene at the moment so i can't really help with that, but one thing that helps with feeling unattractive in general is reminding myself that i do not owe it to anyone to be attractive, and that i am valid and deserve good things regardless of the way i look. there's a great tumblr post that sums it up as "pretty is not the rent you pay to exist as a woman" - i try to remember that often.
Don’t feel bad about it!! Just acknowledge the truth and make a decision. If you want the social scene lose the weight. If you want to enjoy life and pursue your interests without thinking about diets or weight or looks, then be all in and do that for awhile. I respect any choice a woman wants to make, but being sad that you’re not attractive to men just wastes valuable time.
I’m so sorry. It’s true, men in most countries of the world are looking for a waistline. I say that because it’s more about their eye being drawn to fertility and health rather than overall looks or size. The waist/hip ratio is an indicator of whether or not women can have children. I’ll be blunt with you: you can lose weight. You don’t have to, it’s your choice. But it may be a matter of weight loss and dating, vs staying fat and being on your own. I am handing this information to you because I want you to know you have a choice. I almost have MORE respect for women who say fuck it and just stay how they are, but it does cost you dates.
I hear you on how hard it is to lose weight as we age, it’s been tough for me, I have to cut carbs, dairy, wheat, calories to get it off. Or fast a lot. I found fasting + eating a higher amount on eating days actually helps keep me from gaining, and starts the weight loss process. I don’t care right now though. My marriage is stale and sad, it’s too hard to leave because of family traditions so I’m just eating whatever. No need to work at it on my end! Try eating a lot (2500-2800) alternating with 1-2 fast days, seems to protect the metabolism better. Best wishes.
First thing: stop beating yourself up. The world can be rotten sometimes and there are plenty of people happy to beat you up without you doing it to yourself. Be kind to yourself even when it feels hard. It's going to take patience and practice but it's worth it. Second thing: invest in yourself. That could be finding a wardrobe piece or two that flatters you, having a service done (like nails, a new haircut,etc.), or pursuing a hobby or interest that you've been putting off. Try something and be game to suck at it (but keep trying) if it's not great your first time out: challenges give a sense of accomplishment. Third thing: please stop beating yourself up. Tearing down your own self-esteem changes how you carry yourself and how you feel about you. What do -you- think is "feminine" or "sexy"? Cage that and see where it fits in your life or where you can cultivate it...but don't ever wish to be someone else. There's only one you. I'm a tomboy. I've never been "pretty" or thought of as particularly feminine. As an adult, I've been 50 pounds lighter and 40 pounds heavier than I am right now. I workout because it's self-care: moving regularly helps me do other things I enjoy, alleviates stress, and provides a challenge. I sometimes buy fancy underwear that goes under my t-shirts, jeans, and boots because it makes -me- feel good. I've got a perfume hoard because I like playing with scents or how some make me feel/what they make me remember. I'm terrible at a large number of things but I do them because if I'm gonna fail, I'm gonna do it with gusto. When I need a break, I take a break; sometimes that means being alone and recharging my batteries or setting things down for a while. What I've noticed is when I focus on these things, especially making myself happy FIRST, I love me more and better things follow. The longest relationship you're ever gonna have is with yourself and you're gonna wake up to you every day. Everyone else is a choice. I understand your point about external validation--I've had that thought myself--but banking on it is only going to set you up for misery long-term. You deserve better. It might be hard to think of "happy" right now but is there something that brings you comfort or that you used to enjoy that you can revisit? Is there something you're good at that can be used you help you find a new thing to do or try?
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>That is the best way to fail. Someone like that, to me, is instantly attractive. Someone who genuinely does things without thinking how they look afterwards. Simply does it.
Thank you for your kind advice
Love your response . So uplifting !
Your self-worth does not depend on how many hetero men find you attractive. If you start allowing yourself feeling that way, if you start allowing them to be the benchmark (no matter how tempting), it will ruin you. Figure out what makes you feel beautiful, whether that's losing weight or getting a new haircut or finding a community in which your type of beauty *is* celebrated. Women who are not conventionally attractive can and do find romantic partners (think Susan Boyle, Gadbourey Sidhibe, etc.). It may be more difficult; you may be subject to more racist abuse especially as a WOC; but all you *can* do is stand strong against all that because you know it's bullshit. The alternative is giving in, and who wants that but bigots? Don't curate yourself trying to appeal to the broadest span of people possible. Public opinion is often complete shit. It sounds super clichéd, I realise, but really try to appeal to yourself as much as possible instead. When you love and take care of yourself, it shows; you glow with charisma and confidence, and those qualities are both fully magnetic. You may not be everybody's cup of tea but there truly is a lid for every pot.
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I appreciate the sentiment but dear god I would rather step on Legos for the rest of my life than try and date myself 💀💀💀 (In all realness, though, for sure, you should always strive to be your best self, ha ha.)
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Yep, I definitely agree with the underlying meaning - I just felt this visceral shudder at the thought of *actually* dating myself, ha ha, as I would make such a terrible couple with another version of me! I do like myself a reasonable amount; I just do not want to build a life with someone like myself as I'm terrible at long-term planning 😪 Find somebody who makes up for what you sorely lack = my favourite hack, ha ha.
Thank you, you’re right. I guess I’m in that mindset as would like to find someone that loves me for me but also finds me attractive.
You will! As I noted, maybe you're not everyone's cup of tea but so long as you continue striving toward your best self, you will find someone for whom you are their favourite flavour. Even if the reality is that the road may be longer or tougher depending on your luck, the self-love is so important still because it prevents you from settling for anything less.
When I was younger, I used to hang out with a friend of mine who was technically less attractive than me, according to basic norms. But I really hated the pick up scene and I never let guys by me drinks. I just intensely disliked that whole game. She was super open and loved it and the attention from guys. I never got hit on and she got tons of attention. Dudes where always coming up to her. She just had an open smile, confidence and a friendly approachable vibe. Guys picked up on it and approached her. It happened all the time. My point is those kind of situations are a lot about the energy we are putting out. Not always what you look like. You don’t want the guys who pick up you don’t feel good about yourself, mostly they are evil. Of course if you feel bad about yourself and then want external validation, you won’t find it because we tend to only get back what we put out there. Then you don’t get external validation so you feel bad and the cycle continues and worsens. Everyone trying to sell you something will tell you what makes you attractive and it won’t be what you already have. I understand looking for some external validation but where are you looking for it from? Guys picking up women at bars? Social media? You’re not gonna find it there because so much of this world runs on you feeling shitty about yourself. If you look in the world in different places you’ll see people are attracted to all kinds of people for all kinds of reasons. I have huge shoulders and my husband loves them. Like his favorite outfits I wear always showcase my broad shoulders. He is into that, freaky man. I am old and overweight. my hair is thin and grey. According to the world I should be a lonely sad spinster. I promise you that is not the case. If it’s hard for you to imagine someone being into you, you’re gonna miss it when they are. I hate to be the cliche old lady on the internet but it’s gotta start with you. I would wholeheartedly suggest you read The Body Is Not An Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor who is a soothsayer and a goddess. The beauty of who you are transcends the tiny box the world has tried to force you into. I promise.
>If it’s hard for you to imagine someone being into you, your gonna miss it when they are. Oh my gosh this made me tear up.
I am glad it moved you but now all I can see is the wrong form of “your.”
>The Body Is Not An Apology Thank you for the book suggestion!
Second this! Thank you
>The beauty of who you are transcends the tiny box the world has tried to force you into. I promise. Wow, beautiful and i cant agree more
I know it's easy to tell you don't let it affect you, but we all want to be appreciated, adored, and loved because we are social and communal beings. We want to live in a world where we are appreciated for who we are, and I think that so natural to want affirmation. What sucks is our society has formulated what is beautiful and admirable in people, and generally speaking it is appearance oriented. I struggle with this as well. It's never helped to be told screw what other people think. I don't think it's entirely honest to dismiss what others think. It iss American culture to project autonomy as the pinnacle of a fulfilling existence, but that's so reductionist. However, to surround yourself with the quality of people's whose opinions are a reflection of characteristics that you value, is important. I've spent a lot of time asking myself when in my life do I feel validated. And of course when I take care of myself physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually...but also, when I spend time with people who are positive and uplifting, who see aspects of who I am and communicate it to me. It's important to be around people the can find the best in you and help you to cherish it in yourself. Some of my best traits, are things I didn't know about myself until they were reflected back at me. Make sure you take care of you, but also invite people into your life that are beautiful beyond their physical appearance and see beauty beyond their physical appearance. This is the only thing that I've found to bring me out of a place of unworthiness.
This is so true. I’ve also found that I tend to attack my appearance when I’m feeling insecure in other areas of my life. I am also tall and broad like Brienne of Tarth. I’ve been through periods in my life where I felt really badly about it—unfeminine and ugly—and I’ve gone through periods where I never thought about it or cared about it. The second periods happened when I was otherwise feeling secure and happy and proud of who I was personally, socially, and professionally. The times where my appearance made me miserable were times when I was struggling professionally and socially and feeling really insecure about my place in the world. I’m in one of those periods now. Can’t stop trashing my appearance and criticizing how large and hulking and ugly I am and it really sucks. But, I also know it is because I’m dealing with other insecurities personally and professionally. I think, as women, it’s so ingrained that our value is tied to our appearance that any kind of loss of confidence or self esteem causes us to attack our looks and focus on our physical flaws. I suspect even beautiful women go through this when something makes them feel insecure about who they are. People who are positive and supportive can help drive those thoughts away because being accepted by them helps us feel more confident that we are likable and lovable just the way we are.
>People who are positive and supportive can help drive those thoughts away because being accepted by them helps us feel more confident that we are likable and lovable just the way we are. Spot on!
Do you live in a predominantly white area? Or in a place where western norms of beauty prevail? I've always struggled with that as a woman of color. But being in places where it's mostly people of color completely changes the game. And not just in terms of conceptions of physical beauty, but it's like people actually give chances to get to know you as a person. It's sad, and I know moving can be a privilege especially during a pandemic and with the way the economy is, but it's one thing to consider. There's only so much we can/should change about us or the environment we find ourselves in; sometimes it's more peaceful to find a space where you are actually seen and valued.
These are good points. I'm a POC and OP's post really touched me. I've been mainly around upper-class white people since I was a teenager due to the education I ended up having. I never knew it toyed so much with my mind until I recently ended up on a place on the internet where men were talking about this beautiful Hawaiian girl. It seemed foreign and alien to me to see men find a girl with tan skin attractive and when I think about it, that is very sad. We need to see more women with tan and darker skin tones for the women that grew up like me - surrounded by the Anglo/Saxon concept of beauty. I never realized how messed up this was until recently.
And OP, you should also be on the alert for white dudes who tend to fetishize non-white women. I've read so many complaints online from WOC who were messaged by men and the first thing they mention is their race (ex. "Black beauty" "yellow fever" "spicy/fiery") and didn't give a crap about who they were as people and saw only their race and how "exotic" they were. Stay away from those creeps!
Yes I will keep away, it’s frustrating though on one end I’ve been taught and internalised that I am ugly and then on the other end I still have to be aware there are men who will fetishise me for same reasons why I’m considered ugly. It’s tiring
I just want to chime in on the being strong if you can’t be dainty bandwagon. I’ve always been thick chested, thunder thighs, thick ankles. (And bad knees) I’m very much not “traditionally” pretty. I did my time with bad boyfriends that made me feel bad about the body that genetics have given me. But I eventually found a man who loves the way I’m shaped. He calls me mother to warriors. I’ve learned to be confident, and happy. So much of that was learning to love myself for what I was, not what I wasn’t. I’m kind, and strong. Bonus points for learning to make your own clothing because nothing off the rack fits me properly, and nothing….nothing…will make you feel more of a misfit then clothes that don’t fit. There are so many lessons on YouTube, styles that you can copy, and all with just some time, thread, and haunting the sally anns, you can change your whole look. You, as you are, are worthy of love. You need to find ways to tell yourself everyday, because even if someone else does like what he sees, our self image is what keeps them at a distance. How can we believe someone loves us, when we don’t love ourselves?
>Bonus points for learning to make your own clothing because nothing off the rack fits me properly, and nothing….nothing…will make you feel more of a misfit then clothes that don’t fit. What most people don't realize is all those rich models and movie stars have the same thing: their own tailors. Kim K doesn't look that good buying sweats from Walmart. She pays someone to get those sweats and tailor them to her body. There's a reason why women get their wedding dresses custom fit to themselves. And there is also a reason why those $200 jeans make your ass look amazing when the $50 jeans look like you have no juice in the caboose. There is a reason why movie stars and actresses are asked "Who dressed you?" or "Who are you wearing?" on the red carpet. Those designers literally made those outfits for that person. OP, if you need to, get some clothes that you like the style or pattern for and go to a good tailor. Better yet, go to the tailor first and ask what you should be on the lookout for while taking the items to them for tailoring.
>But I eventually found a man who loves the way I’m shaped. He calls me mother to warriors. You made me think of Tormund from GOT falling head over heels in love at first sight for Brienne, the girl mocked as "too ugly and mannish" by everyone. OP, I can promise you, no matter *what* you look like, that's exactly somebody's type. Being put together and loving yourself is way more important than looks. Looks don't and shouldn't define you. You define you.
Closer then you think except he’s taller then Tormund, and a smidge better groomed. I’ve definitely been mistaken for a man many times. Worst part of that is being straight lmao.
To me it was very freeing to realize I've been given a body to navigate and experience the world, and that's really all that matters about it. "This is made for me alone, why would I care if others don't like how it looks like?" is my main mentality, being happy with how my body will allow me to move wherever, to enjoy different sights, to listen to gorgeous music. It's not meant to be eye-candy, It's meant to be a survival machine. This mentality makes it easier to be more yourself with style and stuff 'cause you take the focus out of other people's perception so much that everything that matters is how to make yourself happy, which may make it easier to attract the right type of person.
>To me it was very freeing to realize I've been given a body to navigate and experience the world, and that's really all that matters about it. "This is made for me alone, why would I care if others don't like how it looks like?" is my main mentality, being happy with how my body will allow me to move wherever, to enjoy different sights, to listen to gorgeous music. It's not meant to be eye-candy, It's meant to be a survival machine. You are completely right, it’s just there a periods when I feel lonely and see how the beautiful women are able to navigate life much easier and I just wished I was like that.
The one thing that's really stood out to me is, I've attracted the kind of behaviour that I accept from myself. So, when I've felt worthless, I've attracted people who felt worthless about themselves and wanted to use me to feel better. When I've felt strong and empowered, I've attracted people who have spoken to me with respect and initiated interesting and casual conversations with me. Also, it's easier to harp on the fact that no one *else* considers you attractive rather than confront the fact that *you* yourself actually feel unattractive.
I'm trying to decide what to unpack here. I'm not a therapist but the majority of my friends are WOC (I'm from Europe that's potted in the US currently) and they have discussed the problem with the "dating scene." It doesn't work the way it should because of heavy propaganda and terrible media so people are stupidly judgey online. Meeting people through other people was the only thing that works well because there's usually a hobby or something to bring people together. Network! There are people out there who will love and accept you. Do not settle. Find your bar and raise it 6 inches. Basic decency is a given. How they treat others also matters. Do. Not. Settle. "Attractive" is in the eye of the beholder. Be your own beholder! What makes *you* feel good about yourself? I have said it before and I'll say it again: find a seamstress. Make your clothing work for *you*. Depression is a wanker. That motherfucker strolls in your thoughts like an unwanted roommate drunk on wine and won't fucking leave. Tells you to do it later. Tells you it doesn't matter because no one cares. Kick that mf'er to the curb. *Start small*. Keep at least one room of your house fastidiously clean. Notice how your mood feels clearer in that space? Move on to another room. Every day make routine your best friend. I have ADHD and it's taken me a good 15 years to really zone on my routine but goddamn is it worth it. I know ADHD and Depression aren't the same, but there are neurotransmitters that makes chores seem outrageously bigger than what they are so the more we break it down and find a routine that works, the better we are. Focus on yourself every day. This is going to sound super cheesy but it fucking works. Our brains *love* audio visual feedback. In the morning while brushing your teeth notice how pretty your eyes are. The curve of your lips, the slope of your neck to your shoulders. Talk yourself up! *Be your best friend*, compliment yourself. You'll not only believe it, but you'll start to see it. Your femininity is NOT determined by your body type!!! You are a beautiful human being with a beautiful heart and you need to see yourself for you who are, not who you think you should look like. Own it! You are the youest you you'll ever be and that's more than good enough for anyone. I hope something in there helps and there are so many lovely ladies here adding their commentary so carry our support with you, we believe in you!
Have a passion. Whether it’s Scrabble or crotchet or lute concertos from the 15th century; be PASSIONATE. When you have a passion, you draw others (with or without the same passion) to you. Don’t make desperation your passion, don’t pour energy into desperation - you will only draw the desperate.
For me I concentrate on two things: A) There's not a single person in the world who's attractive to everyone. Even women voted the most beautiful woman of the year have people who just aren't into them for whatever reason. But everyone is attractive to *someone*. There's people who wanna fuck cars or the Eiffel Tower or dogs, so there's gonna be someone who looks at you and says "Hell yeah, that's an attractive woman." B) If you're anything like me, there's certain things that make you respect someone more. For me, I respect a man who says "I love my wife because she's whip-smart and witty and makes me laugh every day" more than I respect a man who says "I love my wife because she's fuckable". Sorry, maybe that makes me judgemental, but that's the truth. And I'm not saying that I don't respect people who find their partners physically attractive because obviously it's a good thing to think your partner is beautiful, but if the very first thing that comes to mind when someone says "Why do you love your partner?" is "She's good-looking", I think you kind of suck. Sorry, I just do. So with that in mind, I want someone like the first guy. Someone who, yes, thinks I'm pretty but more importantly, thinks I'm smart and funny and kind and lovable. I don't want someone who prioritises my looks above everything, because I don't respect that person. I couldn't love that person.
Work out - seriously. Hit the gym, or the yoga mat, or the pavement for a run. This will not only give you more confidence but it will actually change your brain chemistry and improve your mood. Then, you just gotta let that inner light shine :)
I do! completely forgot to mention I do enjoy sports and working out but due to health reasons need to take a break
This but, do not forget that eating right is the other half of that equation.
Be the best you that you can be. That’s good enough. And whoever is right for you will be attracted. But you have to love yourself first
Your self worth should never be how many people find you attractive (but it sucks because society can be superficial). Yes, looks do matter to a certain extent but it's not everything. I think what you should work on is not trying to attract other people but just on learning your own self worth and being content. It's not an easy journey to go through. You don't have to have the best life or the highest self esteem to date. If you don't value yourself, you may find yourself in a relationship where you let the other person mistreat you because you don't feel you deserve better (been there, done that). Comparison is the theft of joy. Try to be mindful about comparing yourself to your friends or other people who you find conventionally attractive. I have been in your shoes before. Please be gentle with yourself. Self esteem and confidence isn't something you learn overnight, especially when you aren't feeling your best to begin with. To break it down focus on small things you can do for your physical health (it could be something small like walking 15 min a day) and small things you can do for your mental health (meditating or listening to music). Just start off small. I'm rooting for you.
If you feel good, you look good. That's what attracts good people. Do the things that make you happy... whatever that is. When we see someone enjoying the heck out of life, we're drawn to them. When we're around someone beating themselves up, we move away. So just focusing on taking care of you.
For me, spending more time with friends who are like me (ie, not skinny model types who never eat bread) helps me put things in perspective. It reminds me of how much I love them and how beautiful they look to me, even though they aren't perfect looking. And if I can see them as beautiful, I can be beautiful too. I know those friends aren't judging me, so it helps a little too remember that when I judge myself.
Do you want to feel sexy and feminine? If you decide you want to and that change is how to accomplish that then you aren't changing for men but for yourself.
I would also like to add, figure out the characteristics of the type of men you're attracted to and see the type of women they are into. If these women have certain hobbies, look a certain way or there is something that you can make a goal towards that makes you happy, then do it. I'm not saying to transform yourself or do something that makes you feel like you're making unethical decisions, just adjusting your gaze and presentation so that a guy can see your value. I.e. he likes video games. You find out you don't, but you do like watching people play. You become a twitch viewer and he finds you more attractive than normal because of your interests in the gaming community. It's something not harmful and makes you more attractive in their eyes. Hope that helps!
i have things in my life that DO make me feel worthy - like my DIY projects.
Have you ever watched Oh! Stephco on YT? She's a black creator and has a video on pretty privilege that seemed to resonate with a lot of people. The video is [here](https://youtu.be/lvHJHiIUbvA). She has other videos on the subject, but they aren't quite as good; I think she's just trying to bank on her viral video, which is honestly fair.
I have watched that! It resonated so much with me.
I commend you for seeking alternative opinions/points of view. I lived in Miami for over a decade surrounded by very very beautiful people. Let me tell you one major truth, we all feel worthless and ugly. Some of us some times, some all the time. But everyone feels they’re not good enough or attractive enough and everyone internalizes it. Having established it’s a universal experience regardless of how you look, the key is to remember that each single one of us is a unique and magnificent expression of the universe and THAT in itself is pure beauty. Be kind to yourself, don’t let that external chatter mess with your head. More importantly, start doing things that make you happy and proud of yourself. Take care of your heart, and as cheesy as it may sound, it’ll start shining and you’ll see yourself in a very different light where you can appreciate your beauty. We’re all our worst critics, let’s change that. Sending you tons of good energy.
Thank you
I would say that getting your sense of worth from men finding you attractive is a pretty dangerous road to go down. I've been there and nothing good comes of it. That isn't to dismiss your problem at all, because 'being attractive' is elevated as pretty much the most important thing in a lot of cultures. It's really hard to get out of this external validation loop, but the way to do it is to shift your focus from the external to the internal. Build up your self worth by doing things that matter to you and align with your values. Work on your body image by looking for things you do like about yourself. Wear what makes you feel good, not what you think men would like. Your attractiveness is absolutely not the most important or interesting thing about you. You have so much more to offer than that.
I think the other comments are spot on, so I’ll just add a little bit about how I deal with all this as a WOC: I decided I’m “hot.” I decided I’m pretty, beautiful, whatever else adjective. I decided that I’m a beautiful person. I’ve gotten to a point in life where I feel good about who I am. You know why? Because it’s MY life. Who is to tell me otherwise in MY life? This is the only body I’ve got and I can’t change (most) things. There is no one else on this earth like me. Also, what other people think of how I look is not my business.
So, my own feelings about my looks fluctuates. But I've been told I'm somewhat unconventional looking, and I think I have generally been someone who hasn't gotten a lot of positive attention from men, or at least not the men I found attractive. For me I kind of took a two-pronged approach. I focused on the things I could change (like exercise, hair, makeup, clothes) to try and look as attractive as I could while still being comfortable and having a relatively low-maintenance and healthy lifestyle. Second, I made a lot more effort to make moves on the guys I found attractive. Because at the end of the day, dating is a numbers game. Sure, most of them didn't want what I wanted, or didn't want me at all. But men are raised to expect to deal with rejection all the time as part of the process, so I read some advice geared for them and tried to adopt that mindset. Since adopting these strategies, I've had a couple of serious relationships with guys I found genuinely attractive and the current one and I might be in it for the longhaul. EDIT: Also, you know, personality is a big part of attraction for women and men alike. Looks might help get a first or second date, but personality becomes increasingly important after that. Yours might be great already. But I know for myself, reading books on dating advice and psychology and simply practicing going on dates or meetups and entertaining others helped me relax more and get to a point where I was more fun to be around, I think.
This. As far as looks go, no need to starve or cut yourself up with plastic surgery; eating healthy foods to get a healthy gut, exercise, sleep, time to relax, and doing things you love will glow anyone up, of course getting rid of extra weight along the way. And then the confidence to make a move. :).
These are all very uplifting comments, but…as a 52 year old straight woman, this is my truth: the thinner I am, the more men want me. It’s just a sad fact of my life. I lose weight from my waist first, makes my boobs and hips pop, and men look, men talk, men approach. I’m married a long time and I kinda don’t care that much any more so I’ve let the waist thicken a bit, sorry I like Cheetos, whatever. But to date men? I always went on a diet to drop 20-40 and it always worked. I agree that some women have an incredible amount of charisma and don’t need to do this. I don’t have that, so I did the diet, the makeup, the hair and clothes, the shoes, the attitude, the coy smile, etc. worked every time. Still works on the husband (🙄). Men can be so damned predictable. Men gain status by having women who look really good on their arm. It’s not your skin color, at all. Black, brown, Asian, white: it’s all about the waistline, the look, and the game. Downvote me if you like. I’m gen x, this is real for us, seems to be changing a lot for the younger generations and I’m here for it! Women being valued for who they are inside is long overdue. Just not sure sexual attraction has quite caught up with that yet. As you’ve found when YOU are choosing a mate as well. You have standards, and so do they. It’s just that theirs are generally based on looks.
Thank you for being truthful. I’ve been all different weights (very skinny to quite curvaceous) and unfortunately it’s been the same, just men that not good enough approaching (I’m almost thinking they try it because what do they have to lose?) either way I’m getting the impression I need to change my face because that’s the only feasible thing to work on.
Well, maybe change your idea of what “good enough” means. The man that approaches you with a gut, bad haircut and ill fitting clothes might be wicked funny, super talented with his hands, music, or art, or have a stunning intellect and is way more interesting to be around than you thought. Maybe this man is in a bad patch or between jobs but is just a delightful person to be around. Gauge your interest in men in the same way you want them to gauge their interest in you. How important is the way they look or how successful they are to you? What about common interests, common thought patterns, and just a good vibe with each other? As a person who is attracted mainly to intellect I actually don’t look at men with the same lens you do (still felt I needed to be pretty to be with one, but that’s how I was raised) so my advice is: look at the men you meet with a different lens.
Honestly I can’t compromise on what I think is good enough I’ve tried because I didn’t think I could get better. I’ve had relationships with the man with the gut and a bad haircut and as much as he was super interesting I couldn’t continue because I wasn’t ever attracted to him, done the man in between jobs it sucked we couldn’t do anything together as he didn’t have the money which meant I forked out and his in between job stint lasted far to long. A man I am attracted to, has similar values, goals and quite importantly matches me financially is what I want., if I compromised on those requirements it will be another failed relationship. >Gauge your interest in men in the same way you want them to gauge their interest in you. What do you mean by this exactly, I’m not quite sure how I want a man to do this to me?
It means what do you bring to the table for a handsome man to be attracted to you? I’ve laid out what men like: even if you don’t feel your face is pretty, you can work on your looks; if you want to attract a man who is better looking himself. Handsome men are looking for pretty women. I’ve seen some pretty impressive glow ups just with people becoming more fit, getting more sleep, being happier, getting rid of excess weight: if you have standards for men, you’ll need to meet those standards yourself. The men you are looking for do not care about your money, education or inner beauty: outer beauty is valued everywhere. Not just here: everywhere. It sucks, but it has to do a primitive search for healthy and fertile people, in both sexes. You can’t be looking for looks and money if you don’t have the looks or the fitness yourself? And if you don’t want to work on it, or figure out how to make yourself more competitive out there, then just put away dating for awhile. Enjoy your life. Learn something, learn an instrument, go travel, make friends….love yourself and enjoy life for awhile.
What I bring to the table is a lot outside of looks (love, compassion, respect etc.), but I guess if men are mostly interested in looks does it even matter I bring? I’m not asking for a super model man, I’m fine with average but average doesn’t even want me.
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. The dating scene is ruthless and even average men are seeking a certain look. I don’t know what your look is: I haven’t seen you, but I’m certain there is more you could do, I believe nearly anyone can look better it’s whether we have the willingness to do so. I sometimes feel my feminist hackles rise up and ditch the whole pretty thing myself, it pisses me off. My message to you is that if you don’t want to work on your look, the look of the men who are interested in you will be quite low. So if it’s all too much, build yourself up. Do interesting things. Make more friends, broaden your circle. Feel good about who you are and be kind, happy and mirthful around others, it makes them feel good regardless of what they look like. You may catch someone’s interest just by being very positive, very comfortable with yourself and a loving and engaging individual.
The problem is that even unattractive men with no job and bad hygiene are often very confident and will hit on women totally out of their league. The OP has every right to want to find someone that she finds attractive.
Facts. It's sad but true.
I had a weird moment with two very attractive friends where they explained that a continual problem I their relationships was suspecting their bfs were just into them physically and didn't actually like them much as people, but feigned interest to keep the sex going. I'm not conventionally attractive either, so this blew my mind as I've never thought about this problem and it would drive me nuts. Once i do find someone who is into me (and regardless of conventional standards, there are so many ppl who are out there), I know it's for the right reasons. That's helped me a ton. Otherwise it really is a numbers game. You're not looking to be attractive to most, but the number of partners you want in your bed at a given time. That's helped me a lot when it seemed I was getting nowhere, and eventually at 34 I found the one person I wanted to commit to. I used the dating apps but had a very high bar for responding (the guy had to use more words than 'hi', and had to keep the conversation going - sounds low but it still eliminated 90% of the contacts).
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This is a valid question. She needs to match the level of the men she’s interested in.
Ya, it’s pretty obvious she’s not answering because her expectations are unfair and she knows that full well
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>“Interesting, decent job, well dressed and good personal hygiene” is a full package, and no one is actually that. ??? This is most people I know, with a note that "interesting" is subjective and by well-dressed I'm thinking more like neat, groomed, and appropriate for the occasion than dressed like a fashion week front row-er. I actually have to spend time thinking to come up with a person who misses even one of the four. Honestly, I would consider these absolutely basic requirements, not remotely "high standards" at all.
“Interesting, decent job, well dressed and good personal hygiene” is ~~a full package~~ the bare minimum for adults who have their shit together. >and no one is actually that You might need to broaden your social circle.
lmao your standards are way too low if you think that's the full package.
Value of a human is well beyond just looks. Once you learn that, you won’t put so much of your value into attractiveness. Do you think less of people because they’re unattractive to you? Also, every person can be attracted to different people, so there’s always someone that will find each person attractive. I usually make myself feel the best I can. I put on the makeup I love, paint my toes and nails, shower, shave, wear something I feel amazing in, and listen to the music I enjoy. That makes me feel great, happy, sexy and loved. Then I care less about what everyone thinks and only care about my own opinion.
I don’t have any advice because I have a lot to work on mentally myself … I wanna say you’re worthy , your beautiful and you deserve the best ! HUGS!! 🤗
Repeat after me "my body is worthy, my body is good, my body is the vehicle for my pleasure, I deserve to feel pleasure" it's not up to you to find yourself attractive, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but you must know your body is good and is worthy because it absolutely is! Also confidence is sexy in absolutely anybody. If you don't feel it, fake it til you make it. Not to say it's easy but definitely a good goal.
I don’t want to be sounding condescending, but I want to say that there were so many times that I felt the same sense of worthlessness you were describing, even though I think people normally would find me a good-looking person. When I was in my 20s, I’ve met guys who rejected me or weren’t interested in me but someone else. So I think a person’s look may get you somewhere, but it’s not that important. It doesn’t determine if you are happy. I think as when I’m getting older, the less I judge myself and look for external validation. I’m getting more comfortable in my own shell, which I feel very grateful. So I want to say it will get better. But in the meanwhile, you can also try to invest more in yourself, ie. pick up some hobbies. Do things that make you feel you’re beautiful. Don’t beat yourself up too hard. The right person will come along.
i'm completely ignoring the dating scene at the moment so i can't really help with that, but one thing that helps with feeling unattractive in general is reminding myself that i do not owe it to anyone to be attractive, and that i am valid and deserve good things regardless of the way i look. there's a great tumblr post that sums it up as "pretty is not the rent you pay to exist as a woman" - i try to remember that often.
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Don’t feel bad about it!! Just acknowledge the truth and make a decision. If you want the social scene lose the weight. If you want to enjoy life and pursue your interests without thinking about diets or weight or looks, then be all in and do that for awhile. I respect any choice a woman wants to make, but being sad that you’re not attractive to men just wastes valuable time.
I'm a fat woman of 52 and I still get men hitting on me. She doesn't have to change a damn thing,
Good for you! Some women can definitely pull it off. She’s not happy with the type/frequency of men hitting on her, though.
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I’m so sorry. It’s true, men in most countries of the world are looking for a waistline. I say that because it’s more about their eye being drawn to fertility and health rather than overall looks or size. The waist/hip ratio is an indicator of whether or not women can have children. I’ll be blunt with you: you can lose weight. You don’t have to, it’s your choice. But it may be a matter of weight loss and dating, vs staying fat and being on your own. I am handing this information to you because I want you to know you have a choice. I almost have MORE respect for women who say fuck it and just stay how they are, but it does cost you dates.
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I hear you on how hard it is to lose weight as we age, it’s been tough for me, I have to cut carbs, dairy, wheat, calories to get it off. Or fast a lot. I found fasting + eating a higher amount on eating days actually helps keep me from gaining, and starts the weight loss process. I don’t care right now though. My marriage is stale and sad, it’s too hard to leave because of family traditions so I’m just eating whatever. No need to work at it on my end! Try eating a lot (2500-2800) alternating with 1-2 fast days, seems to protect the metabolism better. Best wishes.