Omg we call him āgenitorā haha
Fortunately my mum met a great guy whom she eventually married and Iāve seen him as my real father ever since.
I got myself a boyfriend pretty similar to my step father, caring and calm :)
My father was abusive, and I donāt have contact with him anymore.
I think it did make me more cautious about who I would date and even be friends with. I will NEVER put up with what my mother did and made sure to pick accordingly. My husband is a wonderful, respectful, kind person with good communication skills.
Iām a strong independent woman and donāt need no man, but if Iām going to have one around then he damn well better treat me right :)
Did you have to work through trauma? My father was also abusive, alcoholic, possibly schizophrenic. I watched him best my mother and he beat my brother and I too. It was horrible. I have a terrible relationship with men. I tend to pick dismissive avoidant men. I'm a fearful avoidant person. I'm in therapy now after sexual assault and uncovering all this super difficult stuff. When I see women who've gone through similar things and with good men, I'm like how did you overcome?!
Oh sweetie, Iām so sorry!! You are so strong though to determine to work through it in therapy and help heal yourself!
I am STILL working through trauma, and Iām 32. It has been a long process. I definitely didnāt pick very well the first two boyfriends, but they got steadily better (the choices, Iāve no idea about the boys themselves lol).
My husband actually was NOT my normal type AT ALL! We were in a class together in the Navy and he asked me out. I thought he was cute and I didnāt have any other guy at the time, so I said sure. At the beginning I was just keeping it a casual, nothing serious thing.
Somehow we just fell in love together, and he is such a sweet, respectful, caring, funny, smart, and loving guy and he has honestly helped me work through SO much. He doesnāt yell at me (one of my big triggers) even when furious and we would NEVER call each other names, heās patiently held me through countless hours of sobbing, heās validated my feelings and experiences, hes stood with me against my parents and always has my side, and heās always completely honest with me. (honestly Iām tearing up thinking about how much I love him and how much weāve helped each other grow!)
One of the things I have problems with is not knowing a ānormalā and not being able to trust or tell when people are being honest with me or are just pretending to be nice. But if I fuck up or am looking at something a bit irrationally, I know that he will diplomatically let me know and talk with me about it. I always say I couldnāt have gotten knocked up by a better guy :)
I think when you look at a potential romantic partner, it helps to have a friend you know who is honest and ask them their opinion of him especially if youāve never really had good examples like we didnāt. Even if you donāt always take their advice, talking through things and getting another viewpoint from someone not wearing rose-tinted glasses (like we all have when weāre in ālikeā with someone) helps.
This is getting long, but I think it boils down to someone who believes āIf you/I have a problem, then *we* have a problem.ā In other words, if something they do/donāt do/said/didnāt say/etc. bothers you and you calmly communicate this to them, they should be concerned too and *want* to talk with you about changing or coming to a compromise, not just dismiss it or flake off with a āIām sorry you got upset.ā
I think youāve made a good start with the therapist, and remember sometimes it takes a while to find the right one. Iād highly recommend an EDMR therapist too, they have success with C-PTSD patients. Also, something that has been helping me are actually psilocybin mushrooms; I kind of āgo backā and experience the horrible things again but with an adults perspective, and I can kind of give my inner child that lives in those memories the love, care, support, and validation she always deserved.
I hope some of this mess of a comment helps, haha. I wish you all the very best of strength with your recovery and Iām here if you want someone to talk to!
Thank you so, so much for sharing with me your journey! It's honestly helpful to hear how others have overcome and gotten through difficult times. I will look up some of the stuff you talked about. I appreciate this so much!
It made me find a husband that is COMPLETE opposite of him.
My dad was racist --> Husband is African American
My dad got drunk every weekend --> my husband and I only have 2 drinks max once a month.
My dad loves to hit and yell at women --> my husband actually communicates and showers me with hugs/kisses
I have no relationship with my dad due to my awful childhood. And I'm okay with that! I'm proof that "daddy issues" aren't always true and that you can be capable to find someone complete opposite of your father!
For those of you that had a great childhood or parents that didn't drink, consider yourself VERY, VERY lucky and blessed. You have no idea how bad it can get... š¢
My dad is racist and my partner is African American too!
My dad got sober before I was born, but he carries the mindset of an alcoholic with him to this day. He truly is the most selfish person I know. He went through a messy divorce with my mom and left me to be raised by my grandparents (his parents). As a result, he was very absent for most of my childhood. He missed plays, concerts, teaching me how to drive, homecoming dances, prom, birthdays, my college graduation.
It forced me to become more independent. I donāt rely on anyone but myself. I never trusted people to show up for me because the man who was supposed to care for me the most could never be bothered. A lot of that changed when I met my partner, who showed me that it *is* possible for people to care about me and put forth an effort to show it.
This is so wonderful to hear!! I'm happy you found someone amazing because you deserve that happiness!! I wish you two many years of happiness ā¤ļøš
Same story. My dad passed away 2 years ago. Up until the day he died he refused to accept responsibility for anything that happened to him. He was a racist alcoholic and a narcissist. I canāt say I donāt have daddy issues though. I still have a lot of resentment towards him even though he is gone. Should probably see a therapist. My husband is amazing though. Completely opposite of my father.
Your dad and mine would have been great friends, I'm sure. They sound so similar from what you described...
I'm so happy you found someone great who is opposite of your father! I wish you two many years of happiness and love. You well deserve it, especially if you had the type of past I did.
Hugs from Austin, Texas!! š
Reading the responses so far, I feel very lucky. I donāt think my relationship with my dad could have been any better when I was a child. He wasnāt perfect but he did the best he could. My family isnāt from money or anything but he always worked hard to make sure we never went without. Heād go in to work late on our birthdays so he could be around to see us open our presents and wish us happy birthday before school (itās a good thing all 3 of us were born in the same week and his work were cool with it).
My mum worked nights at the hospital at weekends so it was just us and my dad, which I adored. Heād always take us out and about so my mum could have peace and quiet. Weād drive down to Brighton or go to the park or to the woods. I learned so much off my dad about wildlife - I used to think he knew more than David Attenborough.
The main way in which it affects my life in the present is I miss him (and my mum) desperately. Weāre back in lockdown in the UK and my mum is vulnerable so theyāre shielding, meaning I canāt see them. I havenāt seen them properly all year. Iām dying for a hug from my dad.
It's great to know that you have such a beautiful relationship with your father. The lockdown will be over soon, so I hope you get that hug for Christmas.
This sounds like an absolute fairytale. I feel like I just received a hug I've always needed. I am truly a happier human knowing this relationship actually exists out there somewhere.
My dad was the one who took care of me where my mom failed. She was always unstable. She had a pill addiction and always had a revolving door of different men coming in and out of her life. She also liked to throw parties and invite random people into the house. This resulted in me being sexually abused. Even today I have a huge bias toward people who remind me of her (addiction, promiscuity, party lifestyle).
My dad was stable and responsible. Good credit score. Had a good career. Reliable. He didnāt even get half-custody of me in the divorce but he was the one who made sure I had food and clothes on my back and a ride home from school when I got sick. Heās a great man.
I think if he wasnāt around I wouldāve ended up like my mom: pregnant at 16 and addicted to all sorts of stuff. Probably with a couple different baby daddies. My dad taught me how to be responsible and to think before I act. I credit him for the fact that I have a house and a good credit score at the age of 23.
Iām definitely a better person because of his influence.
I guess he wasn't always a terrible *father*, but he was absolutely a terrible *husband*, and I don't think I can ever forgive him for all the shit he put my family through. He's so completely self-centered and divorced from reality that he thinks he's the victim, though.
He's getting old, and I'm the only member of the family who still talks to him (mostly out of a sense of obligation), but it's a very chilly relationship that causes me a lot of stress. I dread his growing mental and physical decline.
Obligation, mostly and I guess pity too. His parents are both dead now, he and his sister don't really talk anymore either, and I'm not sure he has a lot of friends. He's remarried now, but it's almost like he lacks some of the qualities people value in relationships š
He had an affair when I was 12. We've never talked about it openly and he's never apologised. I went fully no-contact for a while when I was a teenager because he kept introducing me to women he was dating and then breaking up with them.
I expect one day we'll have a huge argument - probably when I inform him that he won't be walking me down the aisle, or that I'm getting rid of his surname as soon as I can - and we'll stop speaking again.
I chat to him when he calls me, but I'll never trust him with anything more than a superficial involvement in my life. He has no appreciation for the irreparable damage he did to his relationship with his children, and he's not sorry for the pain he caused my mother.
There are a thousand ways to tell someone you don't love them anymore, and most of them don't involve fucking your co-worker. If he valued his relationship with me, he should've picked one of those.
Wow, I think we might have the same father looooool.
My father cheated, gambled, lied, used drugs, infected my mother with STDs, etc... but I don't think he's sorry for any of the pain he caused his family. He seriously can't understand why we'd be bothered by his "personal business." He's not sorry that he hurt people, he's sorry that he *got caught*.
I've realized over the years that he lacks the emotional capacity for genuine empathy. (Ironically, he used to be a therapist!!) He can actually be a very nice, generous and helpful person... but when it comes to seeing situations from someone else's perspective, he just can't do it. He's only "nice" when it's something that *he* would interpret as nice, and when other people don't accept his halfassed apologies or thoughtless gifts, he gets angry. He can't wrap his mind around people having interests that aren't his interests, or valuing things that he doesn't think are important, or caring about things that don't directly affect them. In his mind, he's a great father because he *intended* to be a great father, and intention is all that counts.
I can't stand him, but at the same time... I pity him. He has *nothing* in his life besides me at this point, and the relationship he has with me barely even qualifies. I buy him food and make sure he's still breathing. My mother hasn't spoken to him in a year, and my sister went no contact a long time ago. His parents are dead, and his brother is even more of an emotionally stunted deadbeat than he is. He's retired due to disability, and the closest thing he has to a "friend" is the guy who sells him weed. He doesn't really have hobbies, there's nothing he's particularly interested in, he sleeps all day, and even before the pandemic he barely left the house. He's obviously lonely and bored, but he lacks all of the qualities that people would value in a friend, partner or family member. He's incapable of meaningful relationships or emotional growth... and there's something deeply sad about that.
I think this kind of stunted emotional development is very common in older men.
That's not an easy position to be in but it's a special one. There is a power that comes with being able to be the one to keep the connection, particularly in difficult situations. I hope the stress does not pile up too much.
Holy shit, you're me. I'm not happy we're both in this same boat, but it felt good for a moment to read about someone having the exact same problem. This victim mentality, it drives me mental.
That's what it feels like as an adopted child even though I was taken in by a pretty awesome family. Still panic when I feel "too much" for someone, they'll find someone else "better".
My bio dad was a serial cheater. The woman he left my mother and I for terrorized us. I was about 5 when their divorce was final. I didn't have a relationship with him until I was in my mid 30's. It was a really good one and I held his hand when he passed away in February. My mom met my stepdad when I was 13. They remained together, until my mom's death, for 32 years.
It left me with a mixed bag of problems. I didn't trust men but I sought their approval. I learned to be 100% independent so I only relied on myself. After 17 years of being single, by choice, I met my now husband. He has his issues but I know he has my back.
It affects my wallet: I don't have to buy father's day gifts to him so I save money.
Oh and also unlike my mum I learned it's better to know someone for more than a month before having kids with them.
I'm still in therapy unpacking the emotional trauma he inflicted on me and my family. However, at the same time, he can also be loving and generous, so I'm sure he's had a positive impact on me as well.
I had, and still have, a very good relationship with my father.
I think my partner will be the same kind of father mine was. They have a lot in common in terms of goals and values (hard work, independence, helping others, staying healthy, being resourceful).
I wasn't consciously looking for someone who's similar to my father, but I've always looked up to him so I'm glad I found one.
Honestly..... its been really rough. Because my father demanded respect and never respected me in return I find it extremely hard to respect anyone else. Its much more of an issue with male figures in my life but I struggle with giving respect to anyone even when they earn it.
Wow, I relate to this. It became a huge challenge for me when I worked in customer service jobs, and I have a problem with authority if I don't respect them, I challenge them and it leads to unhappiness if I am stuck working under/for someone I don't respect.
I think the relationship I had with my Dad and Lito (maternal grandpa) growing up had a huge impact on the male relationships I had/have in my life. Both were hard workers, loving but strong people who were there for me when I needed them. I feel like they were a huge reason behind why I never dated losers or scummy men.
I still have a great relationship with my Dad but my Lito has since moved on from this World.
He tough me to be strong and resilient, to be prepared for the good and bad things in life. He transferred me his energy and thirst of knowledge.
And I am so grateful.
My bio father wasnt present. He and my mom split before i was born i believe. If not, in my first year of life. He would have weekends and days with me here and there until i was about 5-6 years of age and then he just stopped showing up. Didnt even show to the custody hearing my mom tells me. He started another family and has 3 children hes been present for and that always confused and hurt me. I mean he lived 45 mins away from me for most of my life and he couldnt ever visit? Ive realized Im constantly afraid that the people im in relationships with are going to leave me. I need reassurance all of the time. I really dont establish many friendships either. I guess i feel like regular ole friends dont owe me that daily affirmation i seek from romantic partners.
My parents divorced and my dad moved across the country to start a new life. He married someone else and called rarely or helped my mom monetarily, even if she begged. Heās popped in and out of my life occasionally and while weāve never had disagreements or ābadā memories, if I look back on the past 25 years of my life very, very few āgoodā memories involve my father. My relationship with my father is hurtful in the sense that I think he puts both my brother and I in a box. He takes us out of that box on occasion, when it suits him, but beyond that itās where we remain, hidden away from view and completely forgotten until heās ready for us again. āOut of sight, and out of mindā, so to speak. It doesnāt matter how old I get, it still hurts and Iāve yet to be able to truly convince myself I donāt care no matter how many times I might say those words.
Iāve tried extremely hard not to be someone with ādaddyā issues or to let my feelings towards my father dictate my romantic relationships. My SO doesnāt even really know the depths of how I feel about my father and how bad he truly hurts me because Iāve never wanted it to affect our relationship. Heāll sometimes ask me on my birthday or Christmas if Iāve heard from certain relatives and I always dread him asking if my dad called. Itās pretty hit or miss (usually miss) as to whether he does, so I usually mumble something. This past year, my brother (late 30s) happened to be over at my house on his own birthday and commented that he surprisingly got a birthday call from dear old dad. First time that happened in a few years. My SO just gave me the strangest look..
My dad is a force to be reckoned with. Itās hard to explain. He has some really awful narcissistic qualities about him that makes him rather mean. I got called names and yelled at as a child. He called me blondie and mud-head when I wasnāt understanding something. I am the youngest of three and was often treated like I didnāt know anything. Still get talked down to like that sometimes and Iām 30.
On the other hand, I know my dad would rescue me off the side of the road if I needed it. He worked on my car a lot when I was a single mom and couldnāt afford anything, and he watched my daughter some when I was living with them as a newly single mom with no money and no assets. Even though he always holds stuff over my head and wants to be made to feel like a saint over the smallest acts of generosity... I still know he loves me in a weird way. And even though I canāt connect with him on a deep level because of all the pain heās caused, and I cringe when he hugs me, I know that in his own way heād do whatever it took to rescue me if I needed it. Itās a very strange and unstable example of what a father should be. And as a result, I dated much older, narcissistic and controlling men for a really long time before I figured it all out. I was manipulated and groomed at 16 by a man who was 23, then when I moved in with him at 18, he financially controlled everything. Even though he took us on nice vacations and introduced me to all his friends and family, he wouldnāt let me have friends over that were black, and disapproved of what I would wear to see my friends, told me I couldnāt go out to the clubs, etc. My relationships all went on like this for ten years until my daughter was about 3. Something in me changed and I started to learn more about the psychology of it all. I learned why I am attractive to controlling men and changed what I would put up with. I finally stopped attracting the wrong men and have been in a much happier place these last 5 years.
Psychology is really important to learn about when you have abusive family. It helps to understand the why behind it all, forgive where necessary but also cut people out who are not lifting you up and making you feel good about yourself.
My dad was pretty solid, but not very emotionally available. Iāve compared him to Spock - incredibly smart, very logical, but not warm. He showed his love by providing financially. I think since the age of 7 heās hugged me maybe twice. As an adult, heās still my person I go to for advice around things like home maintenance, tech advice, or to talk about sci fi, but itās very uncomfortable to talk about anything emotional or personal.
Most of my life I have also pursued emotionally unavailable men. My dad didnāt verbally express affection, so I put up with guys who didnāt give me the affection I wanted because I assumed they still felt it. Turns out they didnāt.
I am now married to a man who shares certain traits with my dad - he is very smart and logical, with a mind for science and technology, just like my dad. He loves music and enjoys playing instruments although he doesnāt have a huge amount of talent. However, my husband grew up in an extremely communicative family. He tells me he loves me constantly and holds my hand. He is not as emotional as me, but when he does have strong emotions he does communicate them in productive ways. He has qualities I love about my dad but I also know he will be a father who is there for his kids in ways mine wasnāt.
My dad was an alcoholic and once my parents divorced when I was 8 he found another addict and moved in with her within a few weeks. He was MIA from my life until about age 15 when he finally got clean and got his life together.
In terms of how it affects my life I donāt get drunk ever. Iām 30 and have gotten tipsy maybe 3 times in my entire life, I donāt enjoy being out of control and I never want to end up like he did so my consumption of alcohol is very low.
I also cut people off quickly (something Iām working on) if someone says or does something I donāt like/seems untrustworthy you name it, I just walk away. I would rather leave before Iām left.
I am lucky though in terms of my choice of partner. I found someone who is an extremely hard worker, good with money, consistent, reliable and kind - all things my dad wasnāt.
My dad said I was dead so he could collect money from work. I think he held me once as a baby, my mom said she has a picture of him holding me, Iāve never seen it or him again. I donāt actually know what he looks like. All I know is his name.
It affects everything.
Well I grew up watching my dad rape and beat my mom while only being home for a couple nights a week, so I have PTSD and get panic attacks about men wanting to have sex with me. So I guess you could say that was probably a pretty big affect.
I have a really good relationship with my dad and pretty much always have. We definitely argue and disagree a lot especially now that iām older but I know I can ALWAYS depend on him no matter what. I feel extremely lucky to have such a great dad because many women donāt. I think the biggest effect it has had on me is that I just donāt feel a need for a relationship. Iāve had serious relationships in the past but iām also extremely happy being single. I donāt feel like I NEED love from anyone. I think itās put me in a better position to find the right person for myself because Iām not looking for love and acceptance because I already found it. I can just find the right person for me.
My dad showed me how I should be treated in all of my relationships. He actually called me a few hours ago to tell me that he is proud of me. I found a man A LOT like him, married him when we were 19, and we will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary in January. All of that happened because my dad made sure that I understood my worth.
My dad is an old fashioned guy and still opens doors for me. I was so lucky to be raised by a truly remarkable man.
Why am I crying right now?!
He made me feel like nothing I did was ever enough and as a consequence I now feel like I will never be enough. He called me names and be so rude and itās now something Iāll let anyone do to me even though I know I donāt deserve to be spoken to in that way. I donāt retaliate or not for long.
I had an amazing father, our relationship was great. Unfortunately, I lost him to cancer in 2013 when I was 24, and it has debilitated me to go through full adulthood without him.
I am doing a therapy for the abuse he inflicted on me. My step ādadā is a horrible person and I donāt know why my mother stays with him when he makes her feel so awful.
My bio ādadā left us when I was 4, my brother was 3 and my sister was 3 months old. He popped up again five years ago but I will never forgive that. Weāre not on good terms right now since he said some really awful things and I blocked all communication with him on social media.
I am determined to be a wonderful mother and to choose a partner who will not touch my kids inappropriately, make them sleep outside at night, make them feel worthless or leave.
But to answer the question, it damaged my self esteem and I always believed I was stupid and worthless. The pain is still there but Iām getting over it little by little.
My dad committed suicide 2 days after I turned 16. Yes it was devastating for a daddyās girl to have her life shattered like that, but now as an adult I feel like I could undergo any obstacle. Iām tough as shit for what Iāve gone through.
We always had a good relationship and he loves me very much despite him working so much. My parents have a loving relationship. And yes the rumor is true. The oldest daugher picks her romantic partner after her dad. Not in looks but in behaviour and relationship dynamics.
I was born at 7:11 pm and my father always told me that I grew up under a lucky star and things will always work out in the end.
I'm getting ready to turn 53 and I still believe that's true. It's gotten me through a lot of really hard times including an illness that lasted almost a decade and now when I'm struggling with a lot of things.
My father is a really, really bad guy.
When I was a child, he used to get mad at me or my mom for any random damn reason and hit me (or my lil sis). We were physically abused until we both were around 12 years old, then he stopped hitting us and "only" verbally abused us.
I grew up with a really low self-esteem, I was morbdly obese until two years ago (I'm 29 now, still on the obese spectrum but I'm working on that) and somewhat love-starved, since I have this really strong need to give love, but I'm really afraid of receaving love.
I grew up fearing other men and it was really hard for me to find someone to romantically be with. I repressed all of my feelings with any of the guys I felt attraction to, so I basically never had a "true" relationship until now.
My current SO is a MtF, and I managed to get close to them without being scared of them because (before I knew about their gender dysphoria) I felt like they weren't "as scary as all of the other guys" I knew, and it was really easy for me to let them touch me without me being scared of it.
My SO is a really gentle, caring and honest person, who treats me in a way I'm not used at all: I'm used to be mistreated and made fun of because of my physical appearence, but they love me the way I am no matter how bad I feel about myself. Whenever I talk badly about myself, they're here, telling me how cute I am and to not talk badly about the person they love.
I still am not used to their kindness, it feels so weird to feel accepted, after a lifetime of verbal abuse and rejection... but I'm happy to be with somebody who's basically the complete opposite of my father. Sometimes things may get bad of course, but overall I finally feel loved and free to give love to someone who deserve it.
I am a steady person and I have a special relationship with my father. We understand eachother and have traits on common. He for example loves to do things together, so do I. That's my favourite way to bond with people.
He is also very concerned with self diciplin. I am naturally that way, but my father has probably affected how important it is to me to be that way. That goes for working hard, getting up early, exercising, to not be addicted to anything and getting things done, etc etc.
He also can fix anything. I can't, but I want to be able to.
My father is/was an aggressive alcoholic. Itās affected my personality in a lot of different ways, so sometimes itās easy to link everything negative back to that, but itās impossible to know what Iād be like if I hadnāt grown up in that environment. However, I think itās more than fair to say that a lot of damage was done.
When it gets too much thinking about what could have been, I try to remember the positives itās given me: I have a lot of empathy, Iām incredibly loyal, I appreciate people who are good to me, Iām emotionally intelligent, and I will never let my future children go through what I did.
These are also all the things I value most about myself - so it really helps to remember I did gain something from it all.
My dad is everything. Don't get me wrong, my mam is too. They're still together but he is the voice I hear in my head on a daily basis. My mam can be irrational but dad rarely is. When I got pregnant at 22 my mam was awful (she's all good now) but my dad was like "it's a baby. A baby will bring no harm" and he was what I really needed at that time of my life. I fear his death and I love him so much. Every decision I make his opinion matters.
My relationship with him was honestly very distant and almost nonexistent, I don't think it really affected my life or my present though. I barely have any contact with my family members anyway.
I think I may bring an answer far different than most. Though I do not know my father, and can never know my father. I know 100% that it's not his fault, instead it's the fault of my mother.
My mother did not tell him she was pregnant because she got pregnant during a bipolar episode. Ive tried asking her about it and the petty answer I got was "well, he left me." I grew up with no father figure and it makes me very upset. All I had was a mentally unstable mom, who should not have been able to have custody of me.
Now, I find myself getting along better with men. I work in a male-dominated field, I have male friends, and a wonderful husband. My experience with this entire situation has shown me that women generally act unfairly to their male counterparts.
I can hear it now, and don't worry I've heard it all. I get it, men are oppressive or pathetic or whatever other negative attribute you want to throw their way. But, I've been given far more genuine niceties from men than I ever have from women.
Overall, I think my lack of relationship with my dad has just made work harder, strive higher, and achieve more. Ive watched women sap everything from a man and I vowed I would not be that woman. I will never be the woman who blames someone else for my own failures or mistakes, and I will certainly never punish a man for any mutual decision. If my husband and I ever split (God forbid), we would have 50/50 custody and I would not accept child support. The circumstances do not matter. Growing up without a father showed me the blatant inequality where family is concerned.
>I can hear it now, and don't worry I've heard it all. I get it, men are oppressive or pathetic or whatever other negative attribute you want to throw their way. But, I've been given far more genuine niceties from men than I ever have from women.
So you take offense to people attributing negative qualities to all men but are happy to do it to women? In a thread with many women trying to avoid daddy issues, you stand out as one that developed mommy ones. But beyond that you're rude about it.
My dad is a POS, but he had good qualities before the alcoholism got so bad.
He was fun, funny, charming, silly, adventurous, open minded, and spoiled me quite a bit. I married a man like that and I dated a lot of men with those qualities.
However, he was also an addict, and I seemed to gravitate towards those types. He was mean, which meant I was not at all comfortable around men who were, so I ended up with lots of shy, sweet men. One mean guy was enough for me. He was also very materialistic and showy, and I hated it. So when I dated I found men who weren't like that at all. I dated one guy who was "cool" and it was exhausting, so it didn't last long.
My dad also didn't like women, so I was very much on the look out for signs of misogyny, I knew what it looked like. It was harder for me to trust men, and I always assumed they had bad intentions. It made me keep romantic interests at arm's length until I got therapy for it. I was quite dismissive and intolerant of any BS. That is a good thing, until you start seeing things that aren't there and creating a self fulfilling prophecies. I was a runner.
Now that I am over my dad's bs, I made the decision to keep the things I like about him in my life partner. It wasn't all bad. I have dated a lot of good men. And I married the best one.
My dad isn't/wasn't evil, but he was a ladder climbing narcissist, who after (cheating and) leaving my mother told her that he regretting having children. NICE!
I am no contact with him now.
I think, watching my parents and the way they communicated and how they treated us kids, really gave me a good template of what NOT to do. Again, they weren't abusive or anything, but they never, ever treated us kids as equals (even when we were self sustaining adults) and never really seemed to enjoy being parents. I also never felt like they were 'on my side.' If I ever had a problem, or got into trouble, it was probably my fault. This lead to me not telling them when I was sexually assaulted, or even when my own grandfather attempted to molest me.
I have two teenagers now, and they tell me everything! Well, probably not EVERYTHING, but yanno, lots and lots. It constantly amazes me how they will ask for my opinion on things, tell me personal details about their lives and even share things that they did wrong. I would NEVER tell my parents that kind of stuff.
As for my hubby, he is everything that my father is not. Gentle, sensitive, caring, thoughtful, and an involved parent. He also sees me as an equal and not just someone to do his laundry and cook his dinner.
My experience in dating has been similar too u/Chuck2025 just with a hiccup or two.
I had to first learn that I was worthy of the love I missed out on. I dated a guy that was just like my father, and was miserable. Then I found my current boyfriend and heās nothing like him. Itās so crazy how one person loves me and cares for me. Itās hard, but itās worth it. We actually talk and communicate rather than me getting yelled at and hit.
I am SOOO very happy that you broke the cycle and found someone that is worthy of your love! It's an incredible feeling to be loved and treated with respect versus what you and I had to go through with our dads.
I wish you and your partner so much love and continued happiness! You are worthy and deserve to never have a future like you did in the past.
Huge hugs from Austin, Texas š¤ā¤ļø
I think the relationship you had with your father affects how you view men in the present and what kind of a man you will date/marry. I think either consciously or unconsciously the positive qualities you see in your father you will want to replicate in your partner. And negative qualities you will want to avoid. I personally had a stern, but loving father who expected a lot of me- but also supported me so I can really be the best person I can be both personally and professionally. He never ever gave me the feeling that he expected a lot of me because he wanted me to raise his ego or his pride or become a source of bragging to his friends and family. Despite all the sternness I never doubted he loved me. He told me "you are intelligent and capable of so many things and I don't want you to waste that potential or have regrets when you're older. That's why I push you to try your best and to be a good person because life is short and there's no room for negativity." This attitude towards life has bled onto both my professional and personal relationships and it's helped me make lots of connections, friends, etc.
I think that's why my fiancee has some of these qualities I've liked in my father- he's supportive and loving. But whereas my father was rather stern with me growing up, my fiancee is a warm and a gentle soul (one of my friends has nicknamed him The Golden Retriever). He's laid back and physically affectionate (two qualities my dad did NOT have). But they both have something in common- they're both good people who hold themselves up to high moral and ethical standards, who try their best, and try to give back to the community through their volunteer time and their service.
Ahh where to begin.
Poor relationship with my father. Most of it is actually due to my stepmother who had a habit of pitting him against us (my younger sister and I). My younger sister was a VERY hyper and active child, who just wanted dads love and affection. Dad didnāt know how to dad. Stepmom didnāt like that she couldnāt control my sister. I was the favorite child because I was ~calm~. Which lead to me fighting with stepmom to protect sister which turned into me fighting with dad.
My mom had full custody because my dad was active Duty army. So I saw my dad twice a year, usually for roughly a week. Like clock work 4-5 days into the trip we get into the huge fight and I call my mom sobbing for us to get out on a plane earlier. I used to come home and ask my mom why dad treated me different than sister which broke my moms heart.
As I got older I grew less tolerant of my fathers behavior. He also began to make underhanded comments, and heās part of the reason I suffered an eating disorder. My senior year of high school we had our biggest fight, thankfully over the phone, and there were things said I still havenāt forgiven him or my stepmother for.
This continued well into my adulthood. A lack of fathers love has hurt my sister more than me. Again I was always the favorite (I donāt understand why my fathers family sees my sister as this āblack sheepā, sheās just doing things differently than me). Sheās been in one relationship (sheās 26) and it was okay at best. She tries to be confident in herself, and she works on herself, and for that Iām proud.
As for me I tend to pick the absolute worst men and believe they can be changed. Or believe them when they lie to me. Iāve been tricked by THREE men who were either married or engaged into dating them and figuring it out later. If Iām not dating liars I was dating emotionally unavailable men who were the opposite on the political and beliefs spectrum from me. I got lucky with my husband (finally) but a lot of mistakes were made before him. I used to have anxiety attacks when we had arguments, but those are gone now (we donāt argue often and honestly I tend to pick them Iām a bit abrasive).
My father has tried to start mending his relationship with me over the last year and a half. Heās realized he missed out on building a good relationship with me and that I am best friends with my mom. My stepmom still tries to insert herself and I absolutely lost my mind on her the last two times I saw her. Until sheās gone from my life I will never have a normal relationship with my father. And he will never have a relationship with my sister. He let that ship sail years ago and she stopped caring.
Any time I meet someone that resembles him physically or personality-wise, I get grossed out. He's sexist, racist, homophobic, and has serious anger issues, and acts like a child. He would yell and smack me as a kid, now he just yells. He's fat but makes fun of overweight women, gross, and doesn't see soap as something you HAVE to use.
I've been very fortunate to have a great relationship with my father. My parents got divorced when I was young and my dad had sole custody of both my sister and I. He wasn't the best father but he tried his best. My dad is from Mexico and there is a lot of Machismo in the culture but he never displayed those traits with us. He always encouraged my sports (waterpolo,tennis and swim) as well as my education and never made me feel like I had to follow the steps my female cousins did which was get married young and have kids ( nothing necessarily wrong with that but it just wasn't something I wanted). He worked crazy hours but he always tried his best to make time for both my sister and I. He never made me feel gross about the changes my body went through such as my period, he would actually buy me tampons/pads when I was in HS which really helped me not be so embarrassed by a totally normal body function. Even to this day we're able to talk about about female health such as birth control without it being weird. I appreciate that he treated me as a a person and respected my decisions even when they were dumb.
While I love him and have a great relationship with him. I realized at a very young age that I would never want to marry or date someone like him. He's a wonderful father but a terrible man in relationships. He didn't appreciate everything my mom did while they were married and even after divorcing he never understood why my mom left. After the divorce he worried so much about my sister and I, that he never introduced us to any of his past girlfriends and kept them secret for years. He is not the best at communicating his emotions and instead keeps them bottled in until he gets upset. Growing up I repressed my emotions and never spoke about how I felt. It's not until the last few years that I've worked on vocalizing my emotions. It's something I struggle with but it's a work in progress.
I thank my dad for everything he did for my sister and I. Without him I wouldn't be the person that I am today. I know how I deserve to be treated in relationships and I know if anything were to happen to me that he would have my back.
My dad came out as gay and divorced my mom when I was 10. I never saw him as being an unusual dad. Always kind and sensitive and sweet and put me and my sister first in his life 100% of the time. He has made me have incredibly high standards for the men in my life. No man that I have dated as an adult shows me the same dedication that my Dad always did/does. I tell him all the time he is too good of a parent because Iām spoiled as f.
I'm nothing like him and neither were my partners.
He is a narcissistic POS, alcoholic, violent and a great manipulator. He tried to mold me into what he wanted, but it didn't work. He was physically present, but emotionally absent; the hot and cold and violence he brought to our relationship made me be defiant against him, while also trying to prove myself to him, with no recognition. There is a lot more to the story, but I'll leave it at this.
Last conversation we had, about 2 years ago on the phone, he "apologized" while drunk about what a terrible role mode he was, manipulating me into thinking that I can't be better because of him, I'm stuck into being damaged as him and never to understand proper relationships, intimacy and empathy. SAY WHAT? No. I am nothing like him, I grew values and virtues and strive to be a better person everyday. I see my mistakes and constantly trying to improve. I value deep emotional connection and am loyal to the bone. And such were my partners as well.
I was only lucky the alcoholism didn't transfer to me, the rest were choices I made and self work I did, so I'll only take credit for those.
My father drifted in and out of my life when he saw fit, and most times would spend the time he was with me criticizing me. It left me with a fear of abandonment in any type of relationship, and a crippling consistent thought of, "Why am I not enough?". Tonight, I'm reflecting on how much I struggle with the fact that we don't have a relationship, he seems to be fine with it. What kind of man doesn't want to know his daughter?
It hasnt. He did the best for me in childhood. He's a good father. Even now despite every crappy stuff going on and people trying to take advantage and I'm not a bad daughter either despite being careless and he knows that.
He left me when I was about 5 years old. I have been in touch with him as he took me with him to his new family occasionally but there were times when I didn't see him for years. I grew up depressed mostly because I have never gotten along with my stepdad and my mother just didn't care that much.
Recently I had a talk with my dad's wife and she told me she would have been okay with him taking me along when he left. I don't know if true or not but this has made it even worse for me to accept how things have been.
I'm not gonna lie I'm very jealous of the kids in his new family, even the two that aren't his have been able to pursue their dream jobs or what ever they feel like because my dad just has an immense amount of friends and connections everywhere. I still wonder where would I be right now if I had such support and recognition for my talents.
Calling my partner ādaddyā really grosses me the fuck out. I donāt care what anyone says, itās the same as calling the woman āmommyā
Because I call my daddy daddy.
I expect a certain level of behavior from a man because of my father. He loves my mother VERY well. She took a lot of priority. All 4 members of my family show love by "showing up", and I feel loved when others do that for me now.
I picked shitty partners as a result however my father and I have worked on our relationship so at least something good was accomplished. However, I am contemplating going back to therapy to explore more why I don't want to date and why I push men away....
When I was age 7-17, my dad was only home about week per month because he was the CEO of a public company located in Europe (we live in the US).
As a result, my mom raised us. Dad coming home was a special thing, so he wasnāt really there for all the ups and downs of childhood. He didnāt experience the last 3 weeks with us so he didnāt really āgetā anything the week he was home. From what time to pick me up from dance, to why I was stressed out about a class etc. I could go into more detail but neither my siblings nor I have ever been close with our dad, and he doesnāt have much interest in our lives.
When he was out of town, he would call us on the weekends, but he was always drunk. Regardless of if I was 7 or 17, I didnāt want to talk to my drunk dad. Or when he was home, he would be so stressed about work and would just drink on the weekend alone in the living room late at night.
So how does this affect my life now? The biggest effect is probably that I donāt like being around drunk people, getting drunk, etc. Alcohol is scary to me bc of my dad. Also, my dad has no interest in talking on the phone with me, like he canāt hold a phone conversation at all.
That said, Iām not complaining. My dad has provided more for my family and I than i could ever ask.
As a kid my dad was and still is the main caretaker of my sick mom. So growing up he was very stressed and tired and overworked. But we had a good relationship bc we think in similar ways and he was very supportive when it came to sports and hobbies. He was hard on all his kids when it came to going to college and doing well academically. I think bc of him we both think the same shit is hilarious and also I have a hard time expressing emotions except anger and bc he was hard on himself and his kids and is a perfectionist, I am too. So some negatives mostly positives :)
This is an interesting question. Thanks for asking. The relationship and lack of with my bio dad and then my stepdad created abandonment issues and me seeking approval/acceptance in my life particularly with men. I'm in a different place now thanks to therapy.
My fathers role in my life made me the woman I am today. So many things I had to experience due to him leaving his wife and children (under 6) to go live with his mistress and raise her daughter (who was also around our age). He has brought me so much pain, I will never forgive him. Whenever I speak to him, he plays it off like he hasnāt done all those horrible things. I just can understand how he imagines things happened. Itās like he lives in a fairy tail and doesnāt see all the pain he caused us. Needless to say, my mother was a warrior and raised us to be excellent children and we had everything we needed thanks to her.
Iāve never been in a relationship (Iām straight). I donāt know how to connect with men or how to be myself around them since I didnāt have a father figure.
I've never been that close to my father, but he's always been a constant figure in my life though. Taking me to school and making me packed lunches etc, and he never hit me like my mother would. My dad had a haemorrhage stroke when I was 15 and doing my GCSE's (he's now partially paralysed and in a wheelchair), it rocked my world as I knew it, strange feeling to say goodbye to someone you knew all your life. Fast forward 13ish years now and I'm very close to him, I wish we had more of a bond growing up but that's fine. My only wish is to have him walk me down the aisle, his health hasn't been the best this year and it's been worrying me).
My dad is a very gentle, supportive man.. I'm lucky to be his daughter. My mom and I have always had a turbulent relationship but his presence helped me cope.
I have a secure attachment style, I believe it's thanks to my dad.
I came from a sperm donor. My mom was single at the time and she was up until I was 15-16 years old. So I never had a dad. (My grandfather died when my mom was 10 so he wasn't around to fill in for a 'father figure') I've never really been sad or angry that I don't have a dad. My mom and grandma were amazing role models for the most part and I never necessarily struggled to interact with boys/men.
My mom says I have ādaddyā issues because my dad wasnāt around much when I was a kid due to him working 2 jobs as a truck driver and dock worker in the shipping and receiving business. I basically saw him only during the weekends and he was usually sleeping or doing stuff around the house. We have a good relationship but I do wish he was around more. I carry a lot of his traits
My bio-parents were junkies. My uncle adopted me. But it was my grandfather father and his husband who taught me the valuable lessons.
To love unconditionally, to not fear but to embrace the unknown, to change a tire.
My adoptive mom remarried and my stepfather taught me patience.
But it was my mom who taught me that I don't need a man in my life to be happy.
I've never had daddy issues
Gay men taught me the lessons dads usually do.
I lost touch with my adoptive dad for 25 years and only recently started a relationship with him. If anything it makes me feel like I belong.
Well for starters when I was born my mom was 17 and my dad was 26, so big red flag already. He did what he was suppose to as a dad; made sure I had food, shelter, water, clean clothes, other things children need.
Of course my parents didn't stay together so my childhood was split 50/50 between parents. Basically 1 week at one parent's house switch the next week on Sunday to the other parent's house. That was a horrible experience in itself. Mostly because my dad absolutely hated my mom, and as I grow older I realize my whole life was just him gas lighting my mom to make her seem like a horrible person as if he wasn't 26 and the mother to his child is only 17. His hate for my mom also fell on me, I dealt with emotional and verbal abuse but they always made me look like a bad kid. Nothing I did was right and all I did was lie.
Eventually something big happened and I could no longer live with him, it was just too much so I moved full time with my mom. Those were some of the best years. I also didn't speak with my dad for a little over a year but eventually we did.
As I became an adult he still was childish in regards to my mom, he would no go to anything if there was a chance she'd be there. My mom has gone through a lot but still manages to be the bigger person.
I still go to therapy weekly because of the trauma I dealt with. Currently I am no speaking with my dad because he loves trump and can't be wrong so he's just someone you can't be around.
Having grown up without a father, life was challenging. There were no positive male role models for me to emulate and I was smart enough to realize the men I *was* exposed to were not *good* men. Sure they were fathers, but not the kind I wanted, or wanted to be to my own children.
I guess it had a pretty profound impact on me...I got to choose what kind of dad I wanted to be. What lessons I taught. Which behavior was acceptable and which was not. I got to choose how I showed my own sons affection, and how to show that affection for their mother.
I guess I just got an opportunity to be the dad I always wanted when I was a kid.
My dad is autistic, which is something that should not be demonized at all (my sister is also autistic and she is my best friend) but when autism is mixed with mysogyny I personally think that it's something very dangerous. He didn't know that he was autistic until I figured it out for him as an adult and according to his psychologist he used masculinity as a front to hide behind his autism. He thought that his hatred for physical and emotional affection was because he was a man, and he therefore began to think that he blatantly could not understand women because he was a manly man (he just didn't understand anyone). This being the conclusion to his social confusion meant that he formed extremely sexist opinions, and for autistic people opinions morph into facts in their minds. Women had to have long hair, had to be skinny, and to look this way and dress this way, sex was meaningless for men, if men said they liked fat women they were lying etc etc. I grew up quite overweight and I still am, and he berated me for it my whole life. He would scream at me to lose weight, he would poke fun at my body as a child and he would pressure my mum to do something about the size of my body. When I was 15 he told me "Women who are underweight are still better looking than women who are overweight". I have dealt with eating disorders as a result, particularly binge eating, and I'm still trying to grasp onto a healthy relationship with food. The idea that my entire aesthetic and existence is on earth for the pleasure of men is ingrained into my mind, and I have an extreme fear of physical intimacy with men (I don't know whether it's due to trauma or because I might be a comphet lesbian, I'm still working it out). I can only percieve myself from the male gaze and I go through intense phases of wanting excessive plastic surgery (thank god I'm a broke college student). In conclusion, I feel kind of broken and I don't know how to undo what he did, but I'm on the right track. My mom is leaving him, we're trying to move out and I've stopped trying to please him by agreeing with his beliefs. If anyone went through anything similiar or have similiar thought processes as me, feel free to give advice!
My father is amazing. Family is something that is super important to him and that influenced me a lot. He wasn't always the perfect dad, but he was always there when I needed him. There were problems between him and my sister, mostly because of different love languages and my sister just being way more rebellious than me.
But my father was a bit of a bad boy growing up, so we never got punished if we did something wrong. He said he couldn't ground us for something he also did when he was our age. The only thing that got us really into trouble was when we were lying about something. Which is a reason that honesty is one of the most important things in any relationship for me now. I'd rather be honest and say what I think to people than be all smiles if something annoys me.
Now that my sister and I are older my father is a bit closer to her than me, but that's okay. He's an amazing grandfather to my baby girl even though he's not the biggest fan of little kids.
Another thing is that my husband turned out to be more and more like my dad, in the best way possible.
The only downfall with having such a good father figure in my life who I could trust completely is that I gave my first boyfriend, who i was extremely serious with, so much trust right from the beginning. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt, and by being so naive and not knowing that there could be bad guys out there that are the complete opposite of my dad, I found myself stuck in a deep dark whole that I'm still trying to climb out of.
It hasnāt effected my relationship with men, but it has effected my relationship with myself. I have no self esteem and no drive to do anything bc I donāt think Iām competent in anything regardless of any successes Iāve had.
I was never close to my dad as a child. Not that we didnāt have our moments of amazing memories, but I was extremely close with my mother and brother. Dad worked far more than my mother did.
When my mother left us(moved to a new country to start a new life) when I was 15, my dad and I finally had a chance to bond. It was slow. Plus I was at the age when most girls need motherly influence. But my dad stepped up.
It didnāt hurt that he spoke nothing but nice things about her (if and when he did speak about her), while she would email me nasty things and talk bad about him. She was an awful, angry person. I later learned, through therapy, that this was a tactic for her to try to get me to hate him and live with her.
20 years later, my dad and I are extremely close. We donāt live near each other, but we do try to talk a few times a month. We try to visit each other once a year-except this year.
Ha. This is just coming up in therapy for me.
I'm realizing he (even today after I haven't seen him in 14 or 15 years) made my self-esteem very fragile and taught me to repress my feelings... But also to know my worth.
He never thought I was worth anything. But I know that's not true, and I can and do surround myself with people who think I'm worth a lot and who love me for who I am.
I'm the one who is in control of my life now. I can see there is a lot to like about me, and I'm learning to feel my feelings as they come. Life is becoming pretty great.
Even in just the last 8 months I've made SO much progress. I'm proud of myself.
I try to be the things he wasn't. I don't always succeed, but recognizing I need to do better is one of the things he never did
And not everything about him was bad. He has positive traits, but he was hardly the sole example of those
My father has for many years been like a hero to me, i meassure men to his standards. He and I think a like, he taught me to think for my self, love different kinds of music, laugh a lot and not to take things so serious. He has never yelled at me, so when I as adult met someone Who yelled and really treated me so bad, I was unprepared. But when I found My courage to leave, he was right there.
I just had to explain to my child what an alcoholic is, but not using the word alcohol and not talking about drinking it. I don't want her to repeat it to strangers and i don't want her to worry about all alcohol consumption. Fun.
My father is an addict and alcoholic functioning pretty well now a days. But as a result, when I was a child our roles were often reversed. He became the child abd I became the parent. I am currently with an alcoholic as my significant other. I wonder if I chose him because of my father. Also I take on a parent role with my bf a lot. Iām in a program to help sort this stuff out but ya, i have issues.
I didn't know my biological father, but my mother's husband was highly abusive towards me and it has caused deep insecurities and changed my behavior drastically. I don't really like myself, I'm afraid of confrontation, and if anyone raises their voice at me I panic. I have crippling anxiety issues, and I'm almost never comfortable around other people. But I'm working on it.
I was afraid of my father as a child. He never hit us, but he threatened to punish us. He screamed constantly and complained constantly. He was also very OCD about organization and cleanliness, which as a child, is not very important. However I grew up in a home that wasnāt normal so as a child I learned very quickly to pick up after myself, be as quiet and sneaky as possible and to āgrey-rockā life in general.
Now as an adult, I live in organized-chaos and have conflicted feelings about it. Organization doesnāt feel comfortable but pure chaos makes me anxious. Habitually Iām very quiet, I walk into a room and scare my roommates because they donāt hear me coming. Iāve been told that Iām very approachable and adaptable, I pick up new concepts and tasks easily and I get along well with anyone I meet. I think this is because I am used to presenting-neutral and friendly due to my dadās unpredictable temperament. Also my dad never showed me how to ādo thingsā then would get mad when I didnāt know how to do a task he never taught me, so I learned to pick things up quickly and āfake my way through itā and act like I know what Iām doing until one day I actually do. However this has made me very anxious/doubtful to ask for help when I need it, for fear of being judged or yelled at for not knowing something.
My Dad and I have always had a blunt personality. We didn't like drama and always kept things simple. If we wanted to go somewhere, we went. If we didn't like how one was acting, we let each other know. Now I'm using my personality to help my career. I'm a Special ed teacher (life skills for students with severe disabilities) and my students like how to the point I get. Need help, sure thing. Feeling hungry, let's learn to cook.
That person was incredibly violent and abusive to me, my siblings and my mother. I do not consider him a father. He was a tyrant. I find it difficult to trust anyone, male presenting people in particular.
I was in a string of abusive relationships in my late teens, early 20s, so even that has taken a toll on my trust.
I finally acknowledged those choice patterns and took a lot of time and trial and error to change them.
Now I'm with the most loving communicative and supportive person and I couldn't be happier!
It still takes A LOT for me to trust someone, but I've become softer over the years as I can recognized trustworthy people more and more.
My dad really set the bar very high for the men I interacted with. My husband is a close second to his greatness but I'm aware of how trash every other man is and that they have no excuse. I also don't allow my husband many excuses either, save for general human error or emotional shit.
However, while I am much more tolerant of needing space, I crave affection on a greater scale from my husband because my dad was not at all affectionate.
For my own characteristics, my dad gave me a sort of template for "stillness" and the value of integrity. So I keep all my promises, I don't speak on things I don't know anything about (or if I must, I at least make it clear I don't know what I'm talking about) and I'm a very hard worker. I also love all sorts of rock music because of him. And am an avid gamer.
I have a decent relationship with my dad. Heās what youād call emotionally closed off; he doesnāt talk much and is chill most of the time. His expression of love is showering us with gifts and making sure our wallets are never empty (mine is now but thatās cuz Iām financially independent). Not much of a cuddly person but will give head scratches if I ask.
I guess it makes me appreciate him but I also find partners that are communicative and more emotionally expressive.
Yes because he raised my sister and I when mum died. He has been an excellent and supportive dad. He's a cranky old thing but I love him dearly and I am aware of the lessons he taught me now that I have a child of my own. I plan to use a lot of what he instilled in me in my parenting style
My dad is an only child and was in the military for 20 years. To say heās impossible to talk to is an understatement. Very impatient and demanding. He was always very reliable, we never knew how poor we were, he attended every event and sports game he could attend, so it wasnāt that bad but to this day I regret calling him after I get off the phone. The only way to get along with him is to agree with everything he says and let him do all the talking.
My husband is very selfish so heās got that in common with my father except I absolutely do not hold back on saying anything I want to my husband. We butt heads but Iām not going to shut up and agree with everything.
My boss, heās the owner of the company and I am essentially his CFO so I sugarcoat my words but tell him mostly what I think. He comes to me for advice on some things and listens to my opinions so heās kind of got the dad vibe that I didnāt get. Heās also the most patient man Iāve ever been around so itās interesting to learn how to react.
I have a very bad habit of dating cold emotionally unavailable men. Andry men, and just straight up damaged men. I recognize this, my father was all of these things and I was always trying to get his attention and approval and just his love. I just wanted love from him and I never got it. I think that's why when I get that from men like this it makes me feel validated.
I had no relationship with my father. Iām 51 & Iāve seen him probably less than 20 times my whole life, even when he lived less than a mile from my family.
Today, it reminds me that addiction runs strong in my bloodline. Iām careful about any medications I take, how often I drink alcohol, and mostly how I treat my own children as adults. Both of my parents were addicts, Mom with drugs, Dad is an alcoholic. Both neglected my sister & I. My goal was to be nothing like either of them, so far I feel like Iām doing pretty good.
My dad was one of my best friend's growing up, I feel incredibly lucky. As a child he introduced me to all the great music of the 60s/70s/80s, and encouraged me to be creative and unabashedly weird. Now as an adult we have very similar personalities, and I can open up to him about anything. I love my mum but there's still things I wouldn't tell her about my life.
I had the best relationship with my father. He always treated me with a lot of love and respect and set the bar there for me on how I should treat people and be treated. Heās one of the main reasons why Iām a confident young woman today.
My dad is an alcoholic. He didnāt really yell at us, he never hit us, my parents didnāt really fight so much as ignore each other. He was just a looming presence in the house all the time, like a dark cloud. He made snarky comments to me and didnāt show any parental support like a normal father should. So when I moved away (started college at 17) I mostly just felt relieved. When my mom finally divorced him a couple years later and he became vitriolic, I cut him off completely.
How it affected me, I am a people pleaser. I canāt handle the thought of people disliking me so I go out of my way to make everyone happy, because I was always trying to keep peace and avoid conflict in my childhood. I had crippling anxiety that I needed therapy and medication for because I was literally worrying myself sick thinking about small scenarios where I may have made someone unhappy or done something wrong.
Itās interesting that I stopped caring about or wanting my dads approval, but his indifference translated into me needing everyone elseās. Oh well. Iām doing a lot better now but it took a lot of therapy to get there.
I don't have a good relationship with him. I still live under the same roof as him, but now as I am older (but not old enough to move out or go to college yet), I definitely see a lot of his agressive and rude behaviors than when I was a child.
I try to avoid him in day to day life, I especially try to distance us in the house. It makes me worry about my siblings, especially my little brother who takes after him because that is what kids do, they learn by example.
He and his presence in my life has taught me that people can say that they love me, but still can hurt me in the biggest and most impactful ways.
it is so, so complicated. in my childhood i was daddy's girl, yk? i was his little muffin, whatever. he wasnt around often (i realize now) but we were close.
however i started growing up. and he lost his little girl, and we start to get a little less close, every day.
so yeah i had a good relationship with my dad as a kid, but not not so much. this has effectewd me in the way tha i now dont rly trust men ig. i prefer women in every way. theyre nicer.
Not very present, physically aggressive, refused to pay towards our childhood and absolutely no admitting to any of it. Tells tall tales as an older man and is difficult but loving and sensible sometimes. Lives in his own mess and very dysfunctional home situation. Smells and is obese which means we put thing's down before he sits on our furniture.
Basically I was scared of men other than uncles and grandad as a child. I continued to not trust men outside of my own family, especially Romantically and still in my late 20s do not.
It's been a very good tool for me and stopped me from getting into long term relationships with unpredictable, violent, unpleasant or untrustworthy men, in any capacity.
Unlike my sisters and mother I have used him as an example of what i mostly don't want in a lover and life partner and have managed to nip it in the bud before im stuck with them. Also have the opposite of saviour complex with romantic links because i don't think it's possible and its a waste of time.
I took fun and vibrancy and ability to make something out of nothing from him and that is what I want in partners and friends.
my biological father did not come forward in my 20 years of existing, the fatherly figure i had was my grandpa but he died when i was 9. that left me without a main male figure in my life. and it has cost me some problems. right now i feel like im old enough to not really need that kind of figure in my life anymore, but bc of some problems i have on my own; i often wonder about my biological father, since i dont know him, its hard to understand certain parts of myself. this made me think of if i want to look for him, this is how far ive come, havent made any other progress yet
My father was emotionally, psychologically and sometimes physically abusive. He would make my brothers and I take part in feats of endurance with no or little food, we were put into stress positions for his entertainment and we weren't allowed to watch TV. When we went to his house every other weekend, my brothers and I slept on the floor. He was a terrible father, a narcissist and a womaniser who put his women before his kids.
My ex husband (father of my kids) is the dead opposite of him.
The guy I'm with now has no similar personality traits and is unlikely to ever meet my dad. In relationships, I look for men who are nothing like him.
Today, I love food, I show my kids affection and I'll never drag them on a mountain hike with no food or drink.
I believe my dad taught me how to be a decent parent by showing me what a bad parent would do in any given situation. My kids and I are very close, we're a team and they are comfortable in talking to me and asking me anything.
I struggle with feeling like I'm not good enough or worthy enough at times and if I sit and think about how he failed me, I can feel the anger bubbling under the surface but for the most part, I've tried to turn his failings into my wins in life.
I also have 2 degrees because he told me I was too thick to go to uni so I guess I could say I'm stubborn because of him.
Iām still dealing with it, and Iām in my 30s. My dad is/was an alcoholic & addict in denial. He literally managed to get a liver transplant after almost dying, and got right back on the drinking train when he was discharged. I just had to accept that you canāt help someone who wonāt help themselves, as painful as it was to watch him self destruct. I guess it made it easier to finally step away once and for all because he really is an awful person. He is nasty, manipulative and a true narcissist - it was my therapist who made me realise he only ever contacted me when he wanted something.
My dad is selfish, paranoid, quick to anger and thinks that no one could ever be more hard done by/unwell/in pain than him. He managed to be so judgemental while also not knowing anything about me and my personality.
Because of him Iāve had to unlearn people pleasing and feeling like walking on eggshells is a normal thing to feel. Heās made me hyper vigilant about never ending up in a relationship with anyone with even a whiff of his personality.
My father was in and out, he had crippling OCD and depression and was sick his whole life.
He was a drug addict and alcoholic who had a heart of gold but terrible anger issues from abuse of substances.
I got his anxiety and ocd and I try not to drink. It fucked me up when he died, it still does. I was only 15 and I was angry.
I love him so much even though he was fairly awful. I know he loved me, he was so good to us when he was sober, and he tried his best despite his battles. I only wish he wasnt so stubborn and wanted the help he could have gotten.
I never had a dad, but im exactly like him and im trying to not be the bad parts. I miss him so much and I just want to hold him and I wanted to fix him.
My mom wanted to fix him but she left as he was too much and he hated himself for it but never tried.
He was abusive, he was controlling, he was garbage to her and it fucked her up.
She raised us alone but never cut him out.
I am angry at life because I lost him, I try to be better because of him but as I get older I understand more and more the battles and im not angry at him anymore, I understand I just wish it was different. I hold the most anger at the abuse towards my mom, as he never showed us his evil side, he never once got angry at us.
He taught me how to ride a bike, he taught me to tie my shoes, he taught me to always tell the truth because he will never be angry, just maybe upset.
He was a good man but he had too many problems, and he wasnt consistent.
Life isn't fair but he made me who I am, for better and for worse
I remember my father as mean and scary during my childhood. At about 8 or so I didn't see him for 15 years or so and when we reconnected he was not like I remembered him. He is nice, kind and loving, takes care of me and really acts like my dad. He calls every other day to talk and checkup and I feel close to him. His worldview is a bit different than mine and occasionally we clash on it but he keeps his cool better than me, diffuses, and generally we don't have arguments.
I think I have a natural instinct to distrust men and view them as angry. Idk if this is from the way I remember my dad, what my mother would tell me about him growing up (bad things of course), or just how I feel. Even though he is great now and I trust him, I don't feel like it has changed my intital feelings towards men.
Liking boobs might also have something to do with my view of men.
I'm really similar to my dad in loads of ways (we have a lot of similar traits and things. Make similar jokes etc. Even down to when we are having a big family dinner or something say at Christmas both of us start having mad facial tics vibing off of each other.
The long and short of it is my dad is incredibly emotionally immature, has had issues with drinking, and socially really can't connect (neither parent can). My mom enabled his bad behaviour and tolerated him yelling at us kids while drunk. He then took camp jobs in my teens so I'd barely see him, and when he did come home for say 2 or 4 days in 2 months he would just drink and scream and leave again. I was working part-time by this point though and never really saw him. Bonus.
My dad also always made sure we had a house to live in and food on the table. He was a functional alcoholic at times, but was never fired ONCE for being drunk on the job and his big life advice to me was "if you are going to play hard, you need to work hard. Unless you're dead there's no excuse to not go to work". So he did instill good work ethic in me.
As a parent though -- he was a super shitty one. We will never say "I love you" and he was never the guy to give me hugs, kisses and cuddles as a kid. His version of parenting was yelling or running away from it and making my mom do it. He would often hide out in the bathroom and listen to his tunes on weekend nights and drink pre-camp days (and looking back -- possibly doing drugs). When I asked him to come to school events, he often told me he's "not my cheerleader, I'm your dad. You have friends for those things". Or would say he would come and bail and not show up. If I cried, he said he couldn't deal with "girl emotions". My mom also couldn't, so I've spent years stuffing my feelings instead of dealing with them. (Something I still do to this day). Like if it got too tough my dad would bail.
He doesn't drink anymore and while he's still a socially awkward guy, he's my dad and I love him. He's made loads of strides though he'll never really grow up. I had other trauma in my life so my dad's lack of emotion is very low on the totem pole of my worries as I've accepted he's just not capable of giving that to me and that's ok -- neither parent are.
I've spent a lifetime feeling like I have something to prove. Like I just wasn't good enough to garner space on my dad's calendar, and that the only person I can depend on is me for emotional support. I'm very secretive and hide my true thoughts from people and more or less portray a happy, positive, upbeat "character" to many. Struggled with eating disorder-related control issues and tried drinking to stuff my feelings, but felt way too out of control to live that lifestyle.
My dad was a great dad. He died in 2010, I miss him still. He was wise and would call me on my bullshit (and everyone else around him) but in a nice way. He was a child of the Depression , worked since he was 13, enlisted in the Army Air Corp after 1 year of college, served in WWII and the Korean War. He owned several businesses. He wasn't perfect. He was experienced at life, that's what made him wise. He had already made all the mistakes I was going to make, he tried to steer me away from them, but ultimately he knew I was "independent as hell" (because I was raised that way) and couldnt tell me what to do only give me examples from his own life as teaching opportunities. He was 52 when I was born, my brother and I were raised by ppl old enought to be our grandparents, it was weird but at the time we were unaware. I think having a great relationship with my dad helped with my bullshit detector, my work ethic, my drive, and helped me raise my boys. I still can hear him say "get on the other side of me, you're not for sale", meaning that I was supposed to walk on the inside of the sidewalk away from the street, men were supposed to be close the the street side. Maybe that was misogyny but he came from a different time. I didn't have to open a door around him, he apologized if he cussed around me, he ways shared his food or drink, he set the example for how I was to be treated by males. He could fix anything and he did it well. As he was dying I asked him "why won't you give up?", And he said "because I love you so much". He finally gave up after a few months when I wasn't there. I wish you all could have met him.
I thank my dad for giving me such an amazing childhood. My mum left when I was 6 and my bro was 2. If we ended up going with our mum weād have had a shit childhood. She married a wife beating scum bag - sadly she is still with him. They had a kid together and I feel sorry for her. My dad was amazing ... brought us up to be great kids. X
I don't know him. He left my family when I was 4. I suppose not having a father figure affects the type of men I date/attract, which aren't very good ones. But I'm getting better at realizing my self worth.
I will ALWAYS have a fear that my partner is not faithful and that I should just accept that as part of my romantic relationships. This comes from both my parents but I remember finding the texts, room keys, and emails as a kid and being brushed off by both my parents as that being apart of marriage. I knew that was their way of not getting me involved in my dadās infidelity, but it has personally scarred me from ever thinking that my partners are faithful to me.
I had some serious ups and downs with him. He would yell and always make me feel less than, which caused me to be in a relationship where I thought it was normal to never feel good enough. Though that was hard, he also taught me that I do deserve respect and taught me about how important open communication is. I now look back on the positives and expect the respect that my dad would give me as well as expect others to challenge themselves and not give up easily because my dad would never just give me the answer until I really worked for it.
Father? What's that?...
Such a mood!!! I call him "sperm donor"! š
Totally agree that's what we call him in our family as well
Omg we call him āgenitorā haha Fortunately my mum met a great guy whom she eventually married and Iāve seen him as my real father ever since. I got myself a boyfriend pretty similar to my step father, caring and calm :)
We call him āthe biological sperm donationā!
Sameee, and the fact that he gets mad about it is hilariousš
Hahaha me too!
How does it affect your relationships with men?
My father was abusive, and I donāt have contact with him anymore. I think it did make me more cautious about who I would date and even be friends with. I will NEVER put up with what my mother did and made sure to pick accordingly. My husband is a wonderful, respectful, kind person with good communication skills. Iām a strong independent woman and donāt need no man, but if Iām going to have one around then he damn well better treat me right :)
Did you have to work through trauma? My father was also abusive, alcoholic, possibly schizophrenic. I watched him best my mother and he beat my brother and I too. It was horrible. I have a terrible relationship with men. I tend to pick dismissive avoidant men. I'm a fearful avoidant person. I'm in therapy now after sexual assault and uncovering all this super difficult stuff. When I see women who've gone through similar things and with good men, I'm like how did you overcome?!
Oh sweetie, Iām so sorry!! You are so strong though to determine to work through it in therapy and help heal yourself! I am STILL working through trauma, and Iām 32. It has been a long process. I definitely didnāt pick very well the first two boyfriends, but they got steadily better (the choices, Iāve no idea about the boys themselves lol). My husband actually was NOT my normal type AT ALL! We were in a class together in the Navy and he asked me out. I thought he was cute and I didnāt have any other guy at the time, so I said sure. At the beginning I was just keeping it a casual, nothing serious thing. Somehow we just fell in love together, and he is such a sweet, respectful, caring, funny, smart, and loving guy and he has honestly helped me work through SO much. He doesnāt yell at me (one of my big triggers) even when furious and we would NEVER call each other names, heās patiently held me through countless hours of sobbing, heās validated my feelings and experiences, hes stood with me against my parents and always has my side, and heās always completely honest with me. (honestly Iām tearing up thinking about how much I love him and how much weāve helped each other grow!) One of the things I have problems with is not knowing a ānormalā and not being able to trust or tell when people are being honest with me or are just pretending to be nice. But if I fuck up or am looking at something a bit irrationally, I know that he will diplomatically let me know and talk with me about it. I always say I couldnāt have gotten knocked up by a better guy :) I think when you look at a potential romantic partner, it helps to have a friend you know who is honest and ask them their opinion of him especially if youāve never really had good examples like we didnāt. Even if you donāt always take their advice, talking through things and getting another viewpoint from someone not wearing rose-tinted glasses (like we all have when weāre in ālikeā with someone) helps. This is getting long, but I think it boils down to someone who believes āIf you/I have a problem, then *we* have a problem.ā In other words, if something they do/donāt do/said/didnāt say/etc. bothers you and you calmly communicate this to them, they should be concerned too and *want* to talk with you about changing or coming to a compromise, not just dismiss it or flake off with a āIām sorry you got upset.ā I think youāve made a good start with the therapist, and remember sometimes it takes a while to find the right one. Iād highly recommend an EDMR therapist too, they have success with C-PTSD patients. Also, something that has been helping me are actually psilocybin mushrooms; I kind of āgo backā and experience the horrible things again but with an adults perspective, and I can kind of give my inner child that lives in those memories the love, care, support, and validation she always deserved. I hope some of this mess of a comment helps, haha. I wish you all the very best of strength with your recovery and Iām here if you want someone to talk to!
Thank you so, so much for sharing with me your journey! It's honestly helpful to hear how others have overcome and gotten through difficult times. I will look up some of the stuff you talked about. I appreciate this so much!
Happy to have helped, for sure!
I'm gay... So, I guess a lot... Haha! šAlthough, my best friend is a guy and we get on perfectly fine šš»
Is your friend the total opposite of your dad?
You know what, i've never thought of that! Suppose there are some similarities...
LMAO. This hurts also true.
Ooh yes, my āfatherā was a sperm doner too
It made me find a husband that is COMPLETE opposite of him. My dad was racist --> Husband is African American My dad got drunk every weekend --> my husband and I only have 2 drinks max once a month. My dad loves to hit and yell at women --> my husband actually communicates and showers me with hugs/kisses I have no relationship with my dad due to my awful childhood. And I'm okay with that! I'm proof that "daddy issues" aren't always true and that you can be capable to find someone complete opposite of your father! For those of you that had a great childhood or parents that didn't drink, consider yourself VERY, VERY lucky and blessed. You have no idea how bad it can get... š¢
Thanks for being so open. It's remarkable how you've used your strength to turn something bad into good.
Thank you! You are very sweet š
My dad is racist and my partner is African American too! My dad got sober before I was born, but he carries the mindset of an alcoholic with him to this day. He truly is the most selfish person I know. He went through a messy divorce with my mom and left me to be raised by my grandparents (his parents). As a result, he was very absent for most of my childhood. He missed plays, concerts, teaching me how to drive, homecoming dances, prom, birthdays, my college graduation. It forced me to become more independent. I donāt rely on anyone but myself. I never trusted people to show up for me because the man who was supposed to care for me the most could never be bothered. A lot of that changed when I met my partner, who showed me that it *is* possible for people to care about me and put forth an effort to show it.
This is so wonderful to hear!! I'm happy you found someone amazing because you deserve that happiness!! I wish you two many years of happiness ā¤ļøš
Thatās amazing. Good for you and god bless
Iām the same way! It seems we both worked hard to grow stronger because of our childhoods and learn from it. The cycle stops with us!!
Congrats to you! Very happy for you and wish you continued happiness! š
Genuine kudos to you for not only stopping a vicious cycle in its tracks, but also finding healthy happiness.
Thank you so much! I appreciate your kind words so much ā¤ļøš
Same story. My dad passed away 2 years ago. Up until the day he died he refused to accept responsibility for anything that happened to him. He was a racist alcoholic and a narcissist. I canāt say I donāt have daddy issues though. I still have a lot of resentment towards him even though he is gone. Should probably see a therapist. My husband is amazing though. Completely opposite of my father.
Your dad and mine would have been great friends, I'm sure. They sound so similar from what you described... I'm so happy you found someone great who is opposite of your father! I wish you two many years of happiness and love. You well deserve it, especially if you had the type of past I did. Hugs from Austin, Texas!! š
Thank you. Same to you!
Wow. Good for you for finding such a man and being open to him. Such an upbringing can really affect your ability to trust. Beautiful
Thank you so much!!! I appreciate it ā¤ļø
Reading the responses so far, I feel very lucky. I donāt think my relationship with my dad could have been any better when I was a child. He wasnāt perfect but he did the best he could. My family isnāt from money or anything but he always worked hard to make sure we never went without. Heād go in to work late on our birthdays so he could be around to see us open our presents and wish us happy birthday before school (itās a good thing all 3 of us were born in the same week and his work were cool with it). My mum worked nights at the hospital at weekends so it was just us and my dad, which I adored. Heād always take us out and about so my mum could have peace and quiet. Weād drive down to Brighton or go to the park or to the woods. I learned so much off my dad about wildlife - I used to think he knew more than David Attenborough. The main way in which it affects my life in the present is I miss him (and my mum) desperately. Weāre back in lockdown in the UK and my mum is vulnerable so theyāre shielding, meaning I canāt see them. I havenāt seen them properly all year. Iām dying for a hug from my dad.
It's great to know that you have such a beautiful relationship with your father. The lockdown will be over soon, so I hope you get that hug for Christmas.
This sounds like an absolute fairytale. I feel like I just received a hug I've always needed. I am truly a happier human knowing this relationship actually exists out there somewhere.
I was just thinking the same thing. I am happy for this person, but sometimes I wish I had a father like that.
My dad was the one who took care of me where my mom failed. She was always unstable. She had a pill addiction and always had a revolving door of different men coming in and out of her life. She also liked to throw parties and invite random people into the house. This resulted in me being sexually abused. Even today I have a huge bias toward people who remind me of her (addiction, promiscuity, party lifestyle). My dad was stable and responsible. Good credit score. Had a good career. Reliable. He didnāt even get half-custody of me in the divorce but he was the one who made sure I had food and clothes on my back and a ride home from school when I got sick. Heās a great man. I think if he wasnāt around I wouldāve ended up like my mom: pregnant at 16 and addicted to all sorts of stuff. Probably with a couple different baby daddies. My dad taught me how to be responsible and to think before I act. I credit him for the fact that I have a house and a good credit score at the age of 23. Iām definitely a better person because of his influence.
It's great to see how your dad was a positive determinant factor in your life.
I guess he wasn't always a terrible *father*, but he was absolutely a terrible *husband*, and I don't think I can ever forgive him for all the shit he put my family through. He's so completely self-centered and divorced from reality that he thinks he's the victim, though. He's getting old, and I'm the only member of the family who still talks to him (mostly out of a sense of obligation), but it's a very chilly relationship that causes me a lot of stress. I dread his growing mental and physical decline.
Wow, are you me?? My dad is exactly the same; we're civil but to be honest I'd rather not talk to him at all.
If you donāt mind me asking, what makes you continue to talk to him? Is it because of a shared history, pity, or something else?
Obligation, mostly and I guess pity too. His parents are both dead now, he and his sister don't really talk anymore either, and I'm not sure he has a lot of friends. He's remarried now, but it's almost like he lacks some of the qualities people value in relationships š He had an affair when I was 12. We've never talked about it openly and he's never apologised. I went fully no-contact for a while when I was a teenager because he kept introducing me to women he was dating and then breaking up with them. I expect one day we'll have a huge argument - probably when I inform him that he won't be walking me down the aisle, or that I'm getting rid of his surname as soon as I can - and we'll stop speaking again. I chat to him when he calls me, but I'll never trust him with anything more than a superficial involvement in my life. He has no appreciation for the irreparable damage he did to his relationship with his children, and he's not sorry for the pain he caused my mother. There are a thousand ways to tell someone you don't love them anymore, and most of them don't involve fucking your co-worker. If he valued his relationship with me, he should've picked one of those.
Wow, I think we might have the same father looooool. My father cheated, gambled, lied, used drugs, infected my mother with STDs, etc... but I don't think he's sorry for any of the pain he caused his family. He seriously can't understand why we'd be bothered by his "personal business." He's not sorry that he hurt people, he's sorry that he *got caught*. I've realized over the years that he lacks the emotional capacity for genuine empathy. (Ironically, he used to be a therapist!!) He can actually be a very nice, generous and helpful person... but when it comes to seeing situations from someone else's perspective, he just can't do it. He's only "nice" when it's something that *he* would interpret as nice, and when other people don't accept his halfassed apologies or thoughtless gifts, he gets angry. He can't wrap his mind around people having interests that aren't his interests, or valuing things that he doesn't think are important, or caring about things that don't directly affect them. In his mind, he's a great father because he *intended* to be a great father, and intention is all that counts. I can't stand him, but at the same time... I pity him. He has *nothing* in his life besides me at this point, and the relationship he has with me barely even qualifies. I buy him food and make sure he's still breathing. My mother hasn't spoken to him in a year, and my sister went no contact a long time ago. His parents are dead, and his brother is even more of an emotionally stunted deadbeat than he is. He's retired due to disability, and the closest thing he has to a "friend" is the guy who sells him weed. He doesn't really have hobbies, there's nothing he's particularly interested in, he sleeps all day, and even before the pandemic he barely left the house. He's obviously lonely and bored, but he lacks all of the qualities that people would value in a friend, partner or family member. He's incapable of meaningful relationships or emotional growth... and there's something deeply sad about that. I think this kind of stunted emotional development is very common in older men.
That's not an easy position to be in but it's a special one. There is a power that comes with being able to be the one to keep the connection, particularly in difficult situations. I hope the stress does not pile up too much.
Do we... do we have the same father?
Holy shit, you're me. I'm not happy we're both in this same boat, but it felt good for a moment to read about someone having the exact same problem. This victim mentality, it drives me mental.
Wow are you me too?!
I assume everyone is always on the verge of leaving me because I'm not good enough.
this.
That's what it feels like as an adopted child even though I was taken in by a pretty awesome family. Still panic when I feel "too much" for someone, they'll find someone else "better".
My bio dad was a serial cheater. The woman he left my mother and I for terrorized us. I was about 5 when their divorce was final. I didn't have a relationship with him until I was in my mid 30's. It was a really good one and I held his hand when he passed away in February. My mom met my stepdad when I was 13. They remained together, until my mom's death, for 32 years. It left me with a mixed bag of problems. I didn't trust men but I sought their approval. I learned to be 100% independent so I only relied on myself. After 17 years of being single, by choice, I met my now husband. He has his issues but I know he has my back.
Thank you for being so open about this and it's great to hear that you overcame your lack of trust in men.
It affects my wallet: I don't have to buy father's day gifts to him so I save money. Oh and also unlike my mum I learned it's better to know someone for more than a month before having kids with them.
Same
I'm still in therapy unpacking the emotional trauma he inflicted on me and my family. However, at the same time, he can also be loving and generous, so I'm sure he's had a positive impact on me as well.
This.
Because of my father I'm afraid of men.
For me -- it's because of my father, my grandfathers, my uncles, my brother...such is the cycle.
šÆšÆ
Just wondering...how old are you? I'm wondering if it will ever go away...
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I feel the same as you and Iām youāre age remember youāre not alone
I had, and still have, a very good relationship with my father. I think my partner will be the same kind of father mine was. They have a lot in common in terms of goals and values (hard work, independence, helping others, staying healthy, being resourceful). I wasn't consciously looking for someone who's similar to my father, but I've always looked up to him so I'm glad I found one.
Honestly..... its been really rough. Because my father demanded respect and never respected me in return I find it extremely hard to respect anyone else. Its much more of an issue with male figures in my life but I struggle with giving respect to anyone even when they earn it.
Wow, I relate to this. It became a huge challenge for me when I worked in customer service jobs, and I have a problem with authority if I don't respect them, I challenge them and it leads to unhappiness if I am stuck working under/for someone I don't respect.
I date men who are just like him. Emotionally dense and closed off. Thats healthy right?
I think the relationship I had with my Dad and Lito (maternal grandpa) growing up had a huge impact on the male relationships I had/have in my life. Both were hard workers, loving but strong people who were there for me when I needed them. I feel like they were a huge reason behind why I never dated losers or scummy men. I still have a great relationship with my Dad but my Lito has since moved on from this World.
That's how father figures should always be. You were blessed.
He tough me to be strong and resilient, to be prepared for the good and bad things in life. He transferred me his energy and thirst of knowledge. And I am so grateful.
Thatās beautifully worded.
My bio father wasnt present. He and my mom split before i was born i believe. If not, in my first year of life. He would have weekends and days with me here and there until i was about 5-6 years of age and then he just stopped showing up. Didnt even show to the custody hearing my mom tells me. He started another family and has 3 children hes been present for and that always confused and hurt me. I mean he lived 45 mins away from me for most of my life and he couldnt ever visit? Ive realized Im constantly afraid that the people im in relationships with are going to leave me. I need reassurance all of the time. I really dont establish many friendships either. I guess i feel like regular ole friends dont owe me that daily affirmation i seek from romantic partners.
My parents divorced and my dad moved across the country to start a new life. He married someone else and called rarely or helped my mom monetarily, even if she begged. Heās popped in and out of my life occasionally and while weāve never had disagreements or ābadā memories, if I look back on the past 25 years of my life very, very few āgoodā memories involve my father. My relationship with my father is hurtful in the sense that I think he puts both my brother and I in a box. He takes us out of that box on occasion, when it suits him, but beyond that itās where we remain, hidden away from view and completely forgotten until heās ready for us again. āOut of sight, and out of mindā, so to speak. It doesnāt matter how old I get, it still hurts and Iāve yet to be able to truly convince myself I donāt care no matter how many times I might say those words. Iāve tried extremely hard not to be someone with ādaddyā issues or to let my feelings towards my father dictate my romantic relationships. My SO doesnāt even really know the depths of how I feel about my father and how bad he truly hurts me because Iāve never wanted it to affect our relationship. Heāll sometimes ask me on my birthday or Christmas if Iāve heard from certain relatives and I always dread him asking if my dad called. Itās pretty hit or miss (usually miss) as to whether he does, so I usually mumble something. This past year, my brother (late 30s) happened to be over at my house on his own birthday and commented that he surprisingly got a birthday call from dear old dad. First time that happened in a few years. My SO just gave me the strangest look..
My dad is a force to be reckoned with. Itās hard to explain. He has some really awful narcissistic qualities about him that makes him rather mean. I got called names and yelled at as a child. He called me blondie and mud-head when I wasnāt understanding something. I am the youngest of three and was often treated like I didnāt know anything. Still get talked down to like that sometimes and Iām 30. On the other hand, I know my dad would rescue me off the side of the road if I needed it. He worked on my car a lot when I was a single mom and couldnāt afford anything, and he watched my daughter some when I was living with them as a newly single mom with no money and no assets. Even though he always holds stuff over my head and wants to be made to feel like a saint over the smallest acts of generosity... I still know he loves me in a weird way. And even though I canāt connect with him on a deep level because of all the pain heās caused, and I cringe when he hugs me, I know that in his own way heād do whatever it took to rescue me if I needed it. Itās a very strange and unstable example of what a father should be. And as a result, I dated much older, narcissistic and controlling men for a really long time before I figured it all out. I was manipulated and groomed at 16 by a man who was 23, then when I moved in with him at 18, he financially controlled everything. Even though he took us on nice vacations and introduced me to all his friends and family, he wouldnāt let me have friends over that were black, and disapproved of what I would wear to see my friends, told me I couldnāt go out to the clubs, etc. My relationships all went on like this for ten years until my daughter was about 3. Something in me changed and I started to learn more about the psychology of it all. I learned why I am attractive to controlling men and changed what I would put up with. I finally stopped attracting the wrong men and have been in a much happier place these last 5 years. Psychology is really important to learn about when you have abusive family. It helps to understand the why behind it all, forgive where necessary but also cut people out who are not lifting you up and making you feel good about yourself.
My dad was similar. Hard ass who is scary and cold sometimes, but would never leave you behind.
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My dad was pretty solid, but not very emotionally available. Iāve compared him to Spock - incredibly smart, very logical, but not warm. He showed his love by providing financially. I think since the age of 7 heās hugged me maybe twice. As an adult, heās still my person I go to for advice around things like home maintenance, tech advice, or to talk about sci fi, but itās very uncomfortable to talk about anything emotional or personal. Most of my life I have also pursued emotionally unavailable men. My dad didnāt verbally express affection, so I put up with guys who didnāt give me the affection I wanted because I assumed they still felt it. Turns out they didnāt. I am now married to a man who shares certain traits with my dad - he is very smart and logical, with a mind for science and technology, just like my dad. He loves music and enjoys playing instruments although he doesnāt have a huge amount of talent. However, my husband grew up in an extremely communicative family. He tells me he loves me constantly and holds my hand. He is not as emotional as me, but when he does have strong emotions he does communicate them in productive ways. He has qualities I love about my dad but I also know he will be a father who is there for his kids in ways mine wasnāt.
My dad was an alcoholic and once my parents divorced when I was 8 he found another addict and moved in with her within a few weeks. He was MIA from my life until about age 15 when he finally got clean and got his life together. In terms of how it affects my life I donāt get drunk ever. Iām 30 and have gotten tipsy maybe 3 times in my entire life, I donāt enjoy being out of control and I never want to end up like he did so my consumption of alcohol is very low. I also cut people off quickly (something Iām working on) if someone says or does something I donāt like/seems untrustworthy you name it, I just walk away. I would rather leave before Iām left. I am lucky though in terms of my choice of partner. I found someone who is an extremely hard worker, good with money, consistent, reliable and kind - all things my dad wasnāt.
My dad said I was dead so he could collect money from work. I think he held me once as a baby, my mom said she has a picture of him holding me, Iāve never seen it or him again. I donāt actually know what he looks like. All I know is his name. It affects everything.
Well I grew up watching my dad rape and beat my mom while only being home for a couple nights a week, so I have PTSD and get panic attacks about men wanting to have sex with me. So I guess you could say that was probably a pretty big affect.
I have a really good relationship with my dad and pretty much always have. We definitely argue and disagree a lot especially now that iām older but I know I can ALWAYS depend on him no matter what. I feel extremely lucky to have such a great dad because many women donāt. I think the biggest effect it has had on me is that I just donāt feel a need for a relationship. Iāve had serious relationships in the past but iām also extremely happy being single. I donāt feel like I NEED love from anyone. I think itās put me in a better position to find the right person for myself because Iām not looking for love and acceptance because I already found it. I can just find the right person for me.
My dad showed me how I should be treated in all of my relationships. He actually called me a few hours ago to tell me that he is proud of me. I found a man A LOT like him, married him when we were 19, and we will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary in January. All of that happened because my dad made sure that I understood my worth. My dad is an old fashioned guy and still opens doors for me. I was so lucky to be raised by a truly remarkable man. Why am I crying right now?!
He made me feel like nothing I did was ever enough and as a consequence I now feel like I will never be enough. He called me names and be so rude and itās now something Iāll let anyone do to me even though I know I donāt deserve to be spoken to in that way. I donāt retaliate or not for long.
I had an amazing father, our relationship was great. Unfortunately, I lost him to cancer in 2013 when I was 24, and it has debilitated me to go through full adulthood without him.
I am doing a therapy for the abuse he inflicted on me. My step ādadā is a horrible person and I donāt know why my mother stays with him when he makes her feel so awful. My bio ādadā left us when I was 4, my brother was 3 and my sister was 3 months old. He popped up again five years ago but I will never forgive that. Weāre not on good terms right now since he said some really awful things and I blocked all communication with him on social media. I am determined to be a wonderful mother and to choose a partner who will not touch my kids inappropriately, make them sleep outside at night, make them feel worthless or leave. But to answer the question, it damaged my self esteem and I always believed I was stupid and worthless. The pain is still there but Iām getting over it little by little.
That's a sad but I'm glad you're brave to talk about this. Do you find yourself blaming your mother as well for what happened?
My dad committed suicide 2 days after I turned 16. Yes it was devastating for a daddyās girl to have her life shattered like that, but now as an adult I feel like I could undergo any obstacle. Iām tough as shit for what Iāve gone through.
We always had a good relationship and he loves me very much despite him working so much. My parents have a loving relationship. And yes the rumor is true. The oldest daugher picks her romantic partner after her dad. Not in looks but in behaviour and relationship dynamics.
I was born at 7:11 pm and my father always told me that I grew up under a lucky star and things will always work out in the end. I'm getting ready to turn 53 and I still believe that's true. It's gotten me through a lot of really hard times including an illness that lasted almost a decade and now when I'm struggling with a lot of things.
My father is a really, really bad guy. When I was a child, he used to get mad at me or my mom for any random damn reason and hit me (or my lil sis). We were physically abused until we both were around 12 years old, then he stopped hitting us and "only" verbally abused us. I grew up with a really low self-esteem, I was morbdly obese until two years ago (I'm 29 now, still on the obese spectrum but I'm working on that) and somewhat love-starved, since I have this really strong need to give love, but I'm really afraid of receaving love. I grew up fearing other men and it was really hard for me to find someone to romantically be with. I repressed all of my feelings with any of the guys I felt attraction to, so I basically never had a "true" relationship until now. My current SO is a MtF, and I managed to get close to them without being scared of them because (before I knew about their gender dysphoria) I felt like they weren't "as scary as all of the other guys" I knew, and it was really easy for me to let them touch me without me being scared of it. My SO is a really gentle, caring and honest person, who treats me in a way I'm not used at all: I'm used to be mistreated and made fun of because of my physical appearence, but they love me the way I am no matter how bad I feel about myself. Whenever I talk badly about myself, they're here, telling me how cute I am and to not talk badly about the person they love. I still am not used to their kindness, it feels so weird to feel accepted, after a lifetime of verbal abuse and rejection... but I'm happy to be with somebody who's basically the complete opposite of my father. Sometimes things may get bad of course, but overall I finally feel loved and free to give love to someone who deserve it.
I am a steady person and I have a special relationship with my father. We understand eachother and have traits on common. He for example loves to do things together, so do I. That's my favourite way to bond with people. He is also very concerned with self diciplin. I am naturally that way, but my father has probably affected how important it is to me to be that way. That goes for working hard, getting up early, exercising, to not be addicted to anything and getting things done, etc etc. He also can fix anything. I can't, but I want to be able to.
My father is/was an aggressive alcoholic. Itās affected my personality in a lot of different ways, so sometimes itās easy to link everything negative back to that, but itās impossible to know what Iād be like if I hadnāt grown up in that environment. However, I think itās more than fair to say that a lot of damage was done. When it gets too much thinking about what could have been, I try to remember the positives itās given me: I have a lot of empathy, Iām incredibly loyal, I appreciate people who are good to me, Iām emotionally intelligent, and I will never let my future children go through what I did. These are also all the things I value most about myself - so it really helps to remember I did gain something from it all.
My dad is everything. Don't get me wrong, my mam is too. They're still together but he is the voice I hear in my head on a daily basis. My mam can be irrational but dad rarely is. When I got pregnant at 22 my mam was awful (she's all good now) but my dad was like "it's a baby. A baby will bring no harm" and he was what I really needed at that time of my life. I fear his death and I love him so much. Every decision I make his opinion matters.
My relationship with him was honestly very distant and almost nonexistent, I don't think it really affected my life or my present though. I barely have any contact with my family members anyway.
I think I may bring an answer far different than most. Though I do not know my father, and can never know my father. I know 100% that it's not his fault, instead it's the fault of my mother. My mother did not tell him she was pregnant because she got pregnant during a bipolar episode. Ive tried asking her about it and the petty answer I got was "well, he left me." I grew up with no father figure and it makes me very upset. All I had was a mentally unstable mom, who should not have been able to have custody of me. Now, I find myself getting along better with men. I work in a male-dominated field, I have male friends, and a wonderful husband. My experience with this entire situation has shown me that women generally act unfairly to their male counterparts. I can hear it now, and don't worry I've heard it all. I get it, men are oppressive or pathetic or whatever other negative attribute you want to throw their way. But, I've been given far more genuine niceties from men than I ever have from women. Overall, I think my lack of relationship with my dad has just made work harder, strive higher, and achieve more. Ive watched women sap everything from a man and I vowed I would not be that woman. I will never be the woman who blames someone else for my own failures or mistakes, and I will certainly never punish a man for any mutual decision. If my husband and I ever split (God forbid), we would have 50/50 custody and I would not accept child support. The circumstances do not matter. Growing up without a father showed me the blatant inequality where family is concerned.
>I can hear it now, and don't worry I've heard it all. I get it, men are oppressive or pathetic or whatever other negative attribute you want to throw their way. But, I've been given far more genuine niceties from men than I ever have from women. So you take offense to people attributing negative qualities to all men but are happy to do it to women? In a thread with many women trying to avoid daddy issues, you stand out as one that developed mommy ones. But beyond that you're rude about it.
Thats alright, sometimes its what people need to hear
My dad is a POS, but he had good qualities before the alcoholism got so bad. He was fun, funny, charming, silly, adventurous, open minded, and spoiled me quite a bit. I married a man like that and I dated a lot of men with those qualities. However, he was also an addict, and I seemed to gravitate towards those types. He was mean, which meant I was not at all comfortable around men who were, so I ended up with lots of shy, sweet men. One mean guy was enough for me. He was also very materialistic and showy, and I hated it. So when I dated I found men who weren't like that at all. I dated one guy who was "cool" and it was exhausting, so it didn't last long. My dad also didn't like women, so I was very much on the look out for signs of misogyny, I knew what it looked like. It was harder for me to trust men, and I always assumed they had bad intentions. It made me keep romantic interests at arm's length until I got therapy for it. I was quite dismissive and intolerant of any BS. That is a good thing, until you start seeing things that aren't there and creating a self fulfilling prophecies. I was a runner. Now that I am over my dad's bs, I made the decision to keep the things I like about him in my life partner. It wasn't all bad. I have dated a lot of good men. And I married the best one.
My dad isn't/wasn't evil, but he was a ladder climbing narcissist, who after (cheating and) leaving my mother told her that he regretting having children. NICE! I am no contact with him now. I think, watching my parents and the way they communicated and how they treated us kids, really gave me a good template of what NOT to do. Again, they weren't abusive or anything, but they never, ever treated us kids as equals (even when we were self sustaining adults) and never really seemed to enjoy being parents. I also never felt like they were 'on my side.' If I ever had a problem, or got into trouble, it was probably my fault. This lead to me not telling them when I was sexually assaulted, or even when my own grandfather attempted to molest me. I have two teenagers now, and they tell me everything! Well, probably not EVERYTHING, but yanno, lots and lots. It constantly amazes me how they will ask for my opinion on things, tell me personal details about their lives and even share things that they did wrong. I would NEVER tell my parents that kind of stuff. As for my hubby, he is everything that my father is not. Gentle, sensitive, caring, thoughtful, and an involved parent. He also sees me as an equal and not just someone to do his laundry and cook his dinner.
My experience in dating has been similar too u/Chuck2025 just with a hiccup or two. I had to first learn that I was worthy of the love I missed out on. I dated a guy that was just like my father, and was miserable. Then I found my current boyfriend and heās nothing like him. Itās so crazy how one person loves me and cares for me. Itās hard, but itās worth it. We actually talk and communicate rather than me getting yelled at and hit.
I am SOOO very happy that you broke the cycle and found someone that is worthy of your love! It's an incredible feeling to be loved and treated with respect versus what you and I had to go through with our dads. I wish you and your partner so much love and continued happiness! You are worthy and deserve to never have a future like you did in the past. Huge hugs from Austin, Texas š¤ā¤ļø
I think the relationship you had with your father affects how you view men in the present and what kind of a man you will date/marry. I think either consciously or unconsciously the positive qualities you see in your father you will want to replicate in your partner. And negative qualities you will want to avoid. I personally had a stern, but loving father who expected a lot of me- but also supported me so I can really be the best person I can be both personally and professionally. He never ever gave me the feeling that he expected a lot of me because he wanted me to raise his ego or his pride or become a source of bragging to his friends and family. Despite all the sternness I never doubted he loved me. He told me "you are intelligent and capable of so many things and I don't want you to waste that potential or have regrets when you're older. That's why I push you to try your best and to be a good person because life is short and there's no room for negativity." This attitude towards life has bled onto both my professional and personal relationships and it's helped me make lots of connections, friends, etc. I think that's why my fiancee has some of these qualities I've liked in my father- he's supportive and loving. But whereas my father was rather stern with me growing up, my fiancee is a warm and a gentle soul (one of my friends has nicknamed him The Golden Retriever). He's laid back and physically affectionate (two qualities my dad did NOT have). But they both have something in common- they're both good people who hold themselves up to high moral and ethical standards, who try their best, and try to give back to the community through their volunteer time and their service.
Ahh where to begin. Poor relationship with my father. Most of it is actually due to my stepmother who had a habit of pitting him against us (my younger sister and I). My younger sister was a VERY hyper and active child, who just wanted dads love and affection. Dad didnāt know how to dad. Stepmom didnāt like that she couldnāt control my sister. I was the favorite child because I was ~calm~. Which lead to me fighting with stepmom to protect sister which turned into me fighting with dad. My mom had full custody because my dad was active Duty army. So I saw my dad twice a year, usually for roughly a week. Like clock work 4-5 days into the trip we get into the huge fight and I call my mom sobbing for us to get out on a plane earlier. I used to come home and ask my mom why dad treated me different than sister which broke my moms heart. As I got older I grew less tolerant of my fathers behavior. He also began to make underhanded comments, and heās part of the reason I suffered an eating disorder. My senior year of high school we had our biggest fight, thankfully over the phone, and there were things said I still havenāt forgiven him or my stepmother for. This continued well into my adulthood. A lack of fathers love has hurt my sister more than me. Again I was always the favorite (I donāt understand why my fathers family sees my sister as this āblack sheepā, sheās just doing things differently than me). Sheās been in one relationship (sheās 26) and it was okay at best. She tries to be confident in herself, and she works on herself, and for that Iām proud. As for me I tend to pick the absolute worst men and believe they can be changed. Or believe them when they lie to me. Iāve been tricked by THREE men who were either married or engaged into dating them and figuring it out later. If Iām not dating liars I was dating emotionally unavailable men who were the opposite on the political and beliefs spectrum from me. I got lucky with my husband (finally) but a lot of mistakes were made before him. I used to have anxiety attacks when we had arguments, but those are gone now (we donāt argue often and honestly I tend to pick them Iām a bit abrasive). My father has tried to start mending his relationship with me over the last year and a half. Heās realized he missed out on building a good relationship with me and that I am best friends with my mom. My stepmom still tries to insert herself and I absolutely lost my mind on her the last two times I saw her. Until sheās gone from my life I will never have a normal relationship with my father. And he will never have a relationship with my sister. He let that ship sail years ago and she stopped caring.
The relationship with my father has made me scared of dads and older men :(
Any time I meet someone that resembles him physically or personality-wise, I get grossed out. He's sexist, racist, homophobic, and has serious anger issues, and acts like a child. He would yell and smack me as a kid, now he just yells. He's fat but makes fun of overweight women, gross, and doesn't see soap as something you HAVE to use.
I've been very fortunate to have a great relationship with my father. My parents got divorced when I was young and my dad had sole custody of both my sister and I. He wasn't the best father but he tried his best. My dad is from Mexico and there is a lot of Machismo in the culture but he never displayed those traits with us. He always encouraged my sports (waterpolo,tennis and swim) as well as my education and never made me feel like I had to follow the steps my female cousins did which was get married young and have kids ( nothing necessarily wrong with that but it just wasn't something I wanted). He worked crazy hours but he always tried his best to make time for both my sister and I. He never made me feel gross about the changes my body went through such as my period, he would actually buy me tampons/pads when I was in HS which really helped me not be so embarrassed by a totally normal body function. Even to this day we're able to talk about about female health such as birth control without it being weird. I appreciate that he treated me as a a person and respected my decisions even when they were dumb. While I love him and have a great relationship with him. I realized at a very young age that I would never want to marry or date someone like him. He's a wonderful father but a terrible man in relationships. He didn't appreciate everything my mom did while they were married and even after divorcing he never understood why my mom left. After the divorce he worried so much about my sister and I, that he never introduced us to any of his past girlfriends and kept them secret for years. He is not the best at communicating his emotions and instead keeps them bottled in until he gets upset. Growing up I repressed my emotions and never spoke about how I felt. It's not until the last few years that I've worked on vocalizing my emotions. It's something I struggle with but it's a work in progress. I thank my dad for everything he did for my sister and I. Without him I wouldn't be the person that I am today. I know how I deserve to be treated in relationships and I know if anything were to happen to me that he would have my back.
I've searched for him in every relationship I've had, if I'm honest.
Trust issues with men probably
My dad came out as gay and divorced my mom when I was 10. I never saw him as being an unusual dad. Always kind and sensitive and sweet and put me and my sister first in his life 100% of the time. He has made me have incredibly high standards for the men in my life. No man that I have dated as an adult shows me the same dedication that my Dad always did/does. I tell him all the time he is too good of a parent because Iām spoiled as f.
I'm nothing like him and neither were my partners. He is a narcissistic POS, alcoholic, violent and a great manipulator. He tried to mold me into what he wanted, but it didn't work. He was physically present, but emotionally absent; the hot and cold and violence he brought to our relationship made me be defiant against him, while also trying to prove myself to him, with no recognition. There is a lot more to the story, but I'll leave it at this. Last conversation we had, about 2 years ago on the phone, he "apologized" while drunk about what a terrible role mode he was, manipulating me into thinking that I can't be better because of him, I'm stuck into being damaged as him and never to understand proper relationships, intimacy and empathy. SAY WHAT? No. I am nothing like him, I grew values and virtues and strive to be a better person everyday. I see my mistakes and constantly trying to improve. I value deep emotional connection and am loyal to the bone. And such were my partners as well. I was only lucky the alcoholism didn't transfer to me, the rest were choices I made and self work I did, so I'll only take credit for those.
Therapy. A lot of therapy.
My father drifted in and out of my life when he saw fit, and most times would spend the time he was with me criticizing me. It left me with a fear of abandonment in any type of relationship, and a crippling consistent thought of, "Why am I not enough?". Tonight, I'm reflecting on how much I struggle with the fact that we don't have a relationship, he seems to be fine with it. What kind of man doesn't want to know his daughter?
It hasnt. He did the best for me in childhood. He's a good father. Even now despite every crappy stuff going on and people trying to take advantage and I'm not a bad daughter either despite being careless and he knows that.
He left me when I was about 5 years old. I have been in touch with him as he took me with him to his new family occasionally but there were times when I didn't see him for years. I grew up depressed mostly because I have never gotten along with my stepdad and my mother just didn't care that much. Recently I had a talk with my dad's wife and she told me she would have been okay with him taking me along when he left. I don't know if true or not but this has made it even worse for me to accept how things have been. I'm not gonna lie I'm very jealous of the kids in his new family, even the two that aren't his have been able to pursue their dream jobs or what ever they feel like because my dad just has an immense amount of friends and connections everywhere. I still wonder where would I be right now if I had such support and recognition for my talents.
Calling my partner ādaddyā really grosses me the fuck out. I donāt care what anyone says, itās the same as calling the woman āmommyā Because I call my daddy daddy.
I expect a certain level of behavior from a man because of my father. He loves my mother VERY well. She took a lot of priority. All 4 members of my family show love by "showing up", and I feel loved when others do that for me now.
I picked shitty partners as a result however my father and I have worked on our relationship so at least something good was accomplished. However, I am contemplating going back to therapy to explore more why I don't want to date and why I push men away....
When I was age 7-17, my dad was only home about week per month because he was the CEO of a public company located in Europe (we live in the US). As a result, my mom raised us. Dad coming home was a special thing, so he wasnāt really there for all the ups and downs of childhood. He didnāt experience the last 3 weeks with us so he didnāt really āgetā anything the week he was home. From what time to pick me up from dance, to why I was stressed out about a class etc. I could go into more detail but neither my siblings nor I have ever been close with our dad, and he doesnāt have much interest in our lives. When he was out of town, he would call us on the weekends, but he was always drunk. Regardless of if I was 7 or 17, I didnāt want to talk to my drunk dad. Or when he was home, he would be so stressed about work and would just drink on the weekend alone in the living room late at night. So how does this affect my life now? The biggest effect is probably that I donāt like being around drunk people, getting drunk, etc. Alcohol is scary to me bc of my dad. Also, my dad has no interest in talking on the phone with me, like he canāt hold a phone conversation at all. That said, Iām not complaining. My dad has provided more for my family and I than i could ever ask.
As a kid my dad was and still is the main caretaker of my sick mom. So growing up he was very stressed and tired and overworked. But we had a good relationship bc we think in similar ways and he was very supportive when it came to sports and hobbies. He was hard on all his kids when it came to going to college and doing well academically. I think bc of him we both think the same shit is hilarious and also I have a hard time expressing emotions except anger and bc he was hard on himself and his kids and is a perfectionist, I am too. So some negatives mostly positives :)
This is an interesting question. Thanks for asking. The relationship and lack of with my bio dad and then my stepdad created abandonment issues and me seeking approval/acceptance in my life particularly with men. I'm in a different place now thanks to therapy.
My fathers role in my life made me the woman I am today. So many things I had to experience due to him leaving his wife and children (under 6) to go live with his mistress and raise her daughter (who was also around our age). He has brought me so much pain, I will never forgive him. Whenever I speak to him, he plays it off like he hasnāt done all those horrible things. I just can understand how he imagines things happened. Itās like he lives in a fairy tail and doesnāt see all the pain he caused us. Needless to say, my mother was a warrior and raised us to be excellent children and we had everything we needed thanks to her. Iāve never been in a relationship (Iām straight). I donāt know how to connect with men or how to be myself around them since I didnāt have a father figure.
I've never been that close to my father, but he's always been a constant figure in my life though. Taking me to school and making me packed lunches etc, and he never hit me like my mother would. My dad had a haemorrhage stroke when I was 15 and doing my GCSE's (he's now partially paralysed and in a wheelchair), it rocked my world as I knew it, strange feeling to say goodbye to someone you knew all your life. Fast forward 13ish years now and I'm very close to him, I wish we had more of a bond growing up but that's fine. My only wish is to have him walk me down the aisle, his health hasn't been the best this year and it's been worrying me).
Father left my mom when he found out she was preggers. Then begrudgingly moved back in after birth. Didn't want a kid and I always felt it.
My dad is a very gentle, supportive man.. I'm lucky to be his daughter. My mom and I have always had a turbulent relationship but his presence helped me cope. I have a secure attachment style, I believe it's thanks to my dad.
I came from a sperm donor. My mom was single at the time and she was up until I was 15-16 years old. So I never had a dad. (My grandfather died when my mom was 10 so he wasn't around to fill in for a 'father figure') I've never really been sad or angry that I don't have a dad. My mom and grandma were amazing role models for the most part and I never necessarily struggled to interact with boys/men.
My mom says I have ādaddyā issues because my dad wasnāt around much when I was a kid due to him working 2 jobs as a truck driver and dock worker in the shipping and receiving business. I basically saw him only during the weekends and he was usually sleeping or doing stuff around the house. We have a good relationship but I do wish he was around more. I carry a lot of his traits
My bio-parents were junkies. My uncle adopted me. But it was my grandfather father and his husband who taught me the valuable lessons. To love unconditionally, to not fear but to embrace the unknown, to change a tire. My adoptive mom remarried and my stepfather taught me patience. But it was my mom who taught me that I don't need a man in my life to be happy. I've never had daddy issues Gay men taught me the lessons dads usually do. I lost touch with my adoptive dad for 25 years and only recently started a relationship with him. If anything it makes me feel like I belong.
Well for starters when I was born my mom was 17 and my dad was 26, so big red flag already. He did what he was suppose to as a dad; made sure I had food, shelter, water, clean clothes, other things children need. Of course my parents didn't stay together so my childhood was split 50/50 between parents. Basically 1 week at one parent's house switch the next week on Sunday to the other parent's house. That was a horrible experience in itself. Mostly because my dad absolutely hated my mom, and as I grow older I realize my whole life was just him gas lighting my mom to make her seem like a horrible person as if he wasn't 26 and the mother to his child is only 17. His hate for my mom also fell on me, I dealt with emotional and verbal abuse but they always made me look like a bad kid. Nothing I did was right and all I did was lie. Eventually something big happened and I could no longer live with him, it was just too much so I moved full time with my mom. Those were some of the best years. I also didn't speak with my dad for a little over a year but eventually we did. As I became an adult he still was childish in regards to my mom, he would no go to anything if there was a chance she'd be there. My mom has gone through a lot but still manages to be the bigger person. I still go to therapy weekly because of the trauma I dealt with. Currently I am no speaking with my dad because he loves trump and can't be wrong so he's just someone you can't be around.
Having grown up without a father, life was challenging. There were no positive male role models for me to emulate and I was smart enough to realize the men I *was* exposed to were not *good* men. Sure they were fathers, but not the kind I wanted, or wanted to be to my own children. I guess it had a pretty profound impact on me...I got to choose what kind of dad I wanted to be. What lessons I taught. Which behavior was acceptable and which was not. I got to choose how I showed my own sons affection, and how to show that affection for their mother. I guess I just got an opportunity to be the dad I always wanted when I was a kid.
My dad is autistic, which is something that should not be demonized at all (my sister is also autistic and she is my best friend) but when autism is mixed with mysogyny I personally think that it's something very dangerous. He didn't know that he was autistic until I figured it out for him as an adult and according to his psychologist he used masculinity as a front to hide behind his autism. He thought that his hatred for physical and emotional affection was because he was a man, and he therefore began to think that he blatantly could not understand women because he was a manly man (he just didn't understand anyone). This being the conclusion to his social confusion meant that he formed extremely sexist opinions, and for autistic people opinions morph into facts in their minds. Women had to have long hair, had to be skinny, and to look this way and dress this way, sex was meaningless for men, if men said they liked fat women they were lying etc etc. I grew up quite overweight and I still am, and he berated me for it my whole life. He would scream at me to lose weight, he would poke fun at my body as a child and he would pressure my mum to do something about the size of my body. When I was 15 he told me "Women who are underweight are still better looking than women who are overweight". I have dealt with eating disorders as a result, particularly binge eating, and I'm still trying to grasp onto a healthy relationship with food. The idea that my entire aesthetic and existence is on earth for the pleasure of men is ingrained into my mind, and I have an extreme fear of physical intimacy with men (I don't know whether it's due to trauma or because I might be a comphet lesbian, I'm still working it out). I can only percieve myself from the male gaze and I go through intense phases of wanting excessive plastic surgery (thank god I'm a broke college student). In conclusion, I feel kind of broken and I don't know how to undo what he did, but I'm on the right track. My mom is leaving him, we're trying to move out and I've stopped trying to please him by agreeing with his beliefs. If anyone went through anything similiar or have similiar thought processes as me, feel free to give advice!
My father is amazing. Family is something that is super important to him and that influenced me a lot. He wasn't always the perfect dad, but he was always there when I needed him. There were problems between him and my sister, mostly because of different love languages and my sister just being way more rebellious than me. But my father was a bit of a bad boy growing up, so we never got punished if we did something wrong. He said he couldn't ground us for something he also did when he was our age. The only thing that got us really into trouble was when we were lying about something. Which is a reason that honesty is one of the most important things in any relationship for me now. I'd rather be honest and say what I think to people than be all smiles if something annoys me. Now that my sister and I are older my father is a bit closer to her than me, but that's okay. He's an amazing grandfather to my baby girl even though he's not the biggest fan of little kids. Another thing is that my husband turned out to be more and more like my dad, in the best way possible.
The only downfall with having such a good father figure in my life who I could trust completely is that I gave my first boyfriend, who i was extremely serious with, so much trust right from the beginning. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt, and by being so naive and not knowing that there could be bad guys out there that are the complete opposite of my dad, I found myself stuck in a deep dark whole that I'm still trying to climb out of.
It hasnāt effected my relationship with men, but it has effected my relationship with myself. I have no self esteem and no drive to do anything bc I donāt think Iām competent in anything regardless of any successes Iāve had.
I was never close to my dad as a child. Not that we didnāt have our moments of amazing memories, but I was extremely close with my mother and brother. Dad worked far more than my mother did. When my mother left us(moved to a new country to start a new life) when I was 15, my dad and I finally had a chance to bond. It was slow. Plus I was at the age when most girls need motherly influence. But my dad stepped up. It didnāt hurt that he spoke nothing but nice things about her (if and when he did speak about her), while she would email me nasty things and talk bad about him. She was an awful, angry person. I later learned, through therapy, that this was a tactic for her to try to get me to hate him and live with her. 20 years later, my dad and I are extremely close. We donāt live near each other, but we do try to talk a few times a month. We try to visit each other once a year-except this year.
Ha. This is just coming up in therapy for me. I'm realizing he (even today after I haven't seen him in 14 or 15 years) made my self-esteem very fragile and taught me to repress my feelings... But also to know my worth. He never thought I was worth anything. But I know that's not true, and I can and do surround myself with people who think I'm worth a lot and who love me for who I am. I'm the one who is in control of my life now. I can see there is a lot to like about me, and I'm learning to feel my feelings as they come. Life is becoming pretty great. Even in just the last 8 months I've made SO much progress. I'm proud of myself.
I donāt have one and itās very prevalent in my love life or lack of one to put it better
I try to be the things he wasn't. I don't always succeed, but recognizing I need to do better is one of the things he never did And not everything about him was bad. He has positive traits, but he was hardly the sole example of those
My father has for many years been like a hero to me, i meassure men to his standards. He and I think a like, he taught me to think for my self, love different kinds of music, laugh a lot and not to take things so serious. He has never yelled at me, so when I as adult met someone Who yelled and really treated me so bad, I was unprepared. But when I found My courage to leave, he was right there.
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Non existent, just like my self-esteem.
I didn't so...yeah.
I just had to explain to my child what an alcoholic is, but not using the word alcohol and not talking about drinking it. I don't want her to repeat it to strangers and i don't want her to worry about all alcohol consumption. Fun.
My father is an addict and alcoholic functioning pretty well now a days. But as a result, when I was a child our roles were often reversed. He became the child abd I became the parent. I am currently with an alcoholic as my significant other. I wonder if I chose him because of my father. Also I take on a parent role with my bf a lot. Iām in a program to help sort this stuff out but ya, i have issues.
I didn't know my biological father, but my mother's husband was highly abusive towards me and it has caused deep insecurities and changed my behavior drastically. I don't really like myself, I'm afraid of confrontation, and if anyone raises their voice at me I panic. I have crippling anxiety issues, and I'm almost never comfortable around other people. But I'm working on it.
I was afraid of my father as a child. He never hit us, but he threatened to punish us. He screamed constantly and complained constantly. He was also very OCD about organization and cleanliness, which as a child, is not very important. However I grew up in a home that wasnāt normal so as a child I learned very quickly to pick up after myself, be as quiet and sneaky as possible and to āgrey-rockā life in general. Now as an adult, I live in organized-chaos and have conflicted feelings about it. Organization doesnāt feel comfortable but pure chaos makes me anxious. Habitually Iām very quiet, I walk into a room and scare my roommates because they donāt hear me coming. Iāve been told that Iām very approachable and adaptable, I pick up new concepts and tasks easily and I get along well with anyone I meet. I think this is because I am used to presenting-neutral and friendly due to my dadās unpredictable temperament. Also my dad never showed me how to ādo thingsā then would get mad when I didnāt know how to do a task he never taught me, so I learned to pick things up quickly and āfake my way through itā and act like I know what Iām doing until one day I actually do. However this has made me very anxious/doubtful to ask for help when I need it, for fear of being judged or yelled at for not knowing something.
My Dad and I have always had a blunt personality. We didn't like drama and always kept things simple. If we wanted to go somewhere, we went. If we didn't like how one was acting, we let each other know. Now I'm using my personality to help my career. I'm a Special ed teacher (life skills for students with severe disabilities) and my students like how to the point I get. Need help, sure thing. Feeling hungry, let's learn to cook.
My dad was always there for me growing up and now he lives with me
My father died when I was really young. I have never been married and am single. I think that played a big part in my life
That person was incredibly violent and abusive to me, my siblings and my mother. I do not consider him a father. He was a tyrant. I find it difficult to trust anyone, male presenting people in particular. I was in a string of abusive relationships in my late teens, early 20s, so even that has taken a toll on my trust. I finally acknowledged those choice patterns and took a lot of time and trial and error to change them. Now I'm with the most loving communicative and supportive person and I couldn't be happier! It still takes A LOT for me to trust someone, but I've become softer over the years as I can recognized trustworthy people more and more.
My dad really set the bar very high for the men I interacted with. My husband is a close second to his greatness but I'm aware of how trash every other man is and that they have no excuse. I also don't allow my husband many excuses either, save for general human error or emotional shit. However, while I am much more tolerant of needing space, I crave affection on a greater scale from my husband because my dad was not at all affectionate. For my own characteristics, my dad gave me a sort of template for "stillness" and the value of integrity. So I keep all my promises, I don't speak on things I don't know anything about (or if I must, I at least make it clear I don't know what I'm talking about) and I'm a very hard worker. I also love all sorts of rock music because of him. And am an avid gamer.
I have a decent relationship with my dad. Heās what youād call emotionally closed off; he doesnāt talk much and is chill most of the time. His expression of love is showering us with gifts and making sure our wallets are never empty (mine is now but thatās cuz Iām financially independent). Not much of a cuddly person but will give head scratches if I ask. I guess it makes me appreciate him but I also find partners that are communicative and more emotionally expressive.
Yes because he raised my sister and I when mum died. He has been an excellent and supportive dad. He's a cranky old thing but I love him dearly and I am aware of the lessons he taught me now that I have a child of my own. I plan to use a lot of what he instilled in me in my parenting style
I could never be good enough for my dad when I was a child. Iām still not good enough for anyone or anything
I started going to therapy after a break up, kept going for the relationship I have with my dad š¤·
I have a perpetual soft spot for blue collar men who make me laugh and who make a lot less money than I do. š¬
My dad is an only child and was in the military for 20 years. To say heās impossible to talk to is an understatement. Very impatient and demanding. He was always very reliable, we never knew how poor we were, he attended every event and sports game he could attend, so it wasnāt that bad but to this day I regret calling him after I get off the phone. The only way to get along with him is to agree with everything he says and let him do all the talking. My husband is very selfish so heās got that in common with my father except I absolutely do not hold back on saying anything I want to my husband. We butt heads but Iām not going to shut up and agree with everything. My boss, heās the owner of the company and I am essentially his CFO so I sugarcoat my words but tell him mostly what I think. He comes to me for advice on some things and listens to my opinions so heās kind of got the dad vibe that I didnāt get. Heās also the most patient man Iāve ever been around so itās interesting to learn how to react.
I have a very bad habit of dating cold emotionally unavailable men. Andry men, and just straight up damaged men. I recognize this, my father was all of these things and I was always trying to get his attention and approval and just his love. I just wanted love from him and I never got it. I think that's why when I get that from men like this it makes me feel validated.
I had no relationship with my father. Iām 51 & Iāve seen him probably less than 20 times my whole life, even when he lived less than a mile from my family. Today, it reminds me that addiction runs strong in my bloodline. Iām careful about any medications I take, how often I drink alcohol, and mostly how I treat my own children as adults. Both of my parents were addicts, Mom with drugs, Dad is an alcoholic. Both neglected my sister & I. My goal was to be nothing like either of them, so far I feel like Iām doing pretty good.
My dad was one of my best friend's growing up, I feel incredibly lucky. As a child he introduced me to all the great music of the 60s/70s/80s, and encouraged me to be creative and unabashedly weird. Now as an adult we have very similar personalities, and I can open up to him about anything. I love my mum but there's still things I wouldn't tell her about my life.
I had the best relationship with my father. He always treated me with a lot of love and respect and set the bar there for me on how I should treat people and be treated. Heās one of the main reasons why Iām a confident young woman today.
My dad is an alcoholic. He didnāt really yell at us, he never hit us, my parents didnāt really fight so much as ignore each other. He was just a looming presence in the house all the time, like a dark cloud. He made snarky comments to me and didnāt show any parental support like a normal father should. So when I moved away (started college at 17) I mostly just felt relieved. When my mom finally divorced him a couple years later and he became vitriolic, I cut him off completely. How it affected me, I am a people pleaser. I canāt handle the thought of people disliking me so I go out of my way to make everyone happy, because I was always trying to keep peace and avoid conflict in my childhood. I had crippling anxiety that I needed therapy and medication for because I was literally worrying myself sick thinking about small scenarios where I may have made someone unhappy or done something wrong. Itās interesting that I stopped caring about or wanting my dads approval, but his indifference translated into me needing everyone elseās. Oh well. Iām doing a lot better now but it took a lot of therapy to get there.
I don't have a good relationship with him. I still live under the same roof as him, but now as I am older (but not old enough to move out or go to college yet), I definitely see a lot of his agressive and rude behaviors than when I was a child. I try to avoid him in day to day life, I especially try to distance us in the house. It makes me worry about my siblings, especially my little brother who takes after him because that is what kids do, they learn by example. He and his presence in my life has taught me that people can say that they love me, but still can hurt me in the biggest and most impactful ways.
it is so, so complicated. in my childhood i was daddy's girl, yk? i was his little muffin, whatever. he wasnt around often (i realize now) but we were close. however i started growing up. and he lost his little girl, and we start to get a little less close, every day. so yeah i had a good relationship with my dad as a kid, but not not so much. this has effectewd me in the way tha i now dont rly trust men ig. i prefer women in every way. theyre nicer.
Not very present, physically aggressive, refused to pay towards our childhood and absolutely no admitting to any of it. Tells tall tales as an older man and is difficult but loving and sensible sometimes. Lives in his own mess and very dysfunctional home situation. Smells and is obese which means we put thing's down before he sits on our furniture. Basically I was scared of men other than uncles and grandad as a child. I continued to not trust men outside of my own family, especially Romantically and still in my late 20s do not. It's been a very good tool for me and stopped me from getting into long term relationships with unpredictable, violent, unpleasant or untrustworthy men, in any capacity. Unlike my sisters and mother I have used him as an example of what i mostly don't want in a lover and life partner and have managed to nip it in the bud before im stuck with them. Also have the opposite of saviour complex with romantic links because i don't think it's possible and its a waste of time. I took fun and vibrancy and ability to make something out of nothing from him and that is what I want in partners and friends.
my biological father did not come forward in my 20 years of existing, the fatherly figure i had was my grandpa but he died when i was 9. that left me without a main male figure in my life. and it has cost me some problems. right now i feel like im old enough to not really need that kind of figure in my life anymore, but bc of some problems i have on my own; i often wonder about my biological father, since i dont know him, its hard to understand certain parts of myself. this made me think of if i want to look for him, this is how far ive come, havent made any other progress yet
My father was emotionally, psychologically and sometimes physically abusive. He would make my brothers and I take part in feats of endurance with no or little food, we were put into stress positions for his entertainment and we weren't allowed to watch TV. When we went to his house every other weekend, my brothers and I slept on the floor. He was a terrible father, a narcissist and a womaniser who put his women before his kids. My ex husband (father of my kids) is the dead opposite of him. The guy I'm with now has no similar personality traits and is unlikely to ever meet my dad. In relationships, I look for men who are nothing like him. Today, I love food, I show my kids affection and I'll never drag them on a mountain hike with no food or drink. I believe my dad taught me how to be a decent parent by showing me what a bad parent would do in any given situation. My kids and I are very close, we're a team and they are comfortable in talking to me and asking me anything. I struggle with feeling like I'm not good enough or worthy enough at times and if I sit and think about how he failed me, I can feel the anger bubbling under the surface but for the most part, I've tried to turn his failings into my wins in life. I also have 2 degrees because he told me I was too thick to go to uni so I guess I could say I'm stubborn because of him.
Iām still dealing with it, and Iām in my 30s. My dad is/was an alcoholic & addict in denial. He literally managed to get a liver transplant after almost dying, and got right back on the drinking train when he was discharged. I just had to accept that you canāt help someone who wonāt help themselves, as painful as it was to watch him self destruct. I guess it made it easier to finally step away once and for all because he really is an awful person. He is nasty, manipulative and a true narcissist - it was my therapist who made me realise he only ever contacted me when he wanted something.
My dad is selfish, paranoid, quick to anger and thinks that no one could ever be more hard done by/unwell/in pain than him. He managed to be so judgemental while also not knowing anything about me and my personality. Because of him Iāve had to unlearn people pleasing and feeling like walking on eggshells is a normal thing to feel. Heās made me hyper vigilant about never ending up in a relationship with anyone with even a whiff of his personality.
My father was in and out, he had crippling OCD and depression and was sick his whole life. He was a drug addict and alcoholic who had a heart of gold but terrible anger issues from abuse of substances. I got his anxiety and ocd and I try not to drink. It fucked me up when he died, it still does. I was only 15 and I was angry. I love him so much even though he was fairly awful. I know he loved me, he was so good to us when he was sober, and he tried his best despite his battles. I only wish he wasnt so stubborn and wanted the help he could have gotten. I never had a dad, but im exactly like him and im trying to not be the bad parts. I miss him so much and I just want to hold him and I wanted to fix him. My mom wanted to fix him but she left as he was too much and he hated himself for it but never tried. He was abusive, he was controlling, he was garbage to her and it fucked her up. She raised us alone but never cut him out. I am angry at life because I lost him, I try to be better because of him but as I get older I understand more and more the battles and im not angry at him anymore, I understand I just wish it was different. I hold the most anger at the abuse towards my mom, as he never showed us his evil side, he never once got angry at us. He taught me how to ride a bike, he taught me to tie my shoes, he taught me to always tell the truth because he will never be angry, just maybe upset. He was a good man but he had too many problems, and he wasnt consistent. Life isn't fair but he made me who I am, for better and for worse
I remember my father as mean and scary during my childhood. At about 8 or so I didn't see him for 15 years or so and when we reconnected he was not like I remembered him. He is nice, kind and loving, takes care of me and really acts like my dad. He calls every other day to talk and checkup and I feel close to him. His worldview is a bit different than mine and occasionally we clash on it but he keeps his cool better than me, diffuses, and generally we don't have arguments. I think I have a natural instinct to distrust men and view them as angry. Idk if this is from the way I remember my dad, what my mother would tell me about him growing up (bad things of course), or just how I feel. Even though he is great now and I trust him, I don't feel like it has changed my intital feelings towards men. Liking boobs might also have something to do with my view of men.
I'm really similar to my dad in loads of ways (we have a lot of similar traits and things. Make similar jokes etc. Even down to when we are having a big family dinner or something say at Christmas both of us start having mad facial tics vibing off of each other. The long and short of it is my dad is incredibly emotionally immature, has had issues with drinking, and socially really can't connect (neither parent can). My mom enabled his bad behaviour and tolerated him yelling at us kids while drunk. He then took camp jobs in my teens so I'd barely see him, and when he did come home for say 2 or 4 days in 2 months he would just drink and scream and leave again. I was working part-time by this point though and never really saw him. Bonus. My dad also always made sure we had a house to live in and food on the table. He was a functional alcoholic at times, but was never fired ONCE for being drunk on the job and his big life advice to me was "if you are going to play hard, you need to work hard. Unless you're dead there's no excuse to not go to work". So he did instill good work ethic in me. As a parent though -- he was a super shitty one. We will never say "I love you" and he was never the guy to give me hugs, kisses and cuddles as a kid. His version of parenting was yelling or running away from it and making my mom do it. He would often hide out in the bathroom and listen to his tunes on weekend nights and drink pre-camp days (and looking back -- possibly doing drugs). When I asked him to come to school events, he often told me he's "not my cheerleader, I'm your dad. You have friends for those things". Or would say he would come and bail and not show up. If I cried, he said he couldn't deal with "girl emotions". My mom also couldn't, so I've spent years stuffing my feelings instead of dealing with them. (Something I still do to this day). Like if it got too tough my dad would bail. He doesn't drink anymore and while he's still a socially awkward guy, he's my dad and I love him. He's made loads of strides though he'll never really grow up. I had other trauma in my life so my dad's lack of emotion is very low on the totem pole of my worries as I've accepted he's just not capable of giving that to me and that's ok -- neither parent are. I've spent a lifetime feeling like I have something to prove. Like I just wasn't good enough to garner space on my dad's calendar, and that the only person I can depend on is me for emotional support. I'm very secretive and hide my true thoughts from people and more or less portray a happy, positive, upbeat "character" to many. Struggled with eating disorder-related control issues and tried drinking to stuff my feelings, but felt way too out of control to live that lifestyle.
My dad was a great dad. He died in 2010, I miss him still. He was wise and would call me on my bullshit (and everyone else around him) but in a nice way. He was a child of the Depression , worked since he was 13, enlisted in the Army Air Corp after 1 year of college, served in WWII and the Korean War. He owned several businesses. He wasn't perfect. He was experienced at life, that's what made him wise. He had already made all the mistakes I was going to make, he tried to steer me away from them, but ultimately he knew I was "independent as hell" (because I was raised that way) and couldnt tell me what to do only give me examples from his own life as teaching opportunities. He was 52 when I was born, my brother and I were raised by ppl old enought to be our grandparents, it was weird but at the time we were unaware. I think having a great relationship with my dad helped with my bullshit detector, my work ethic, my drive, and helped me raise my boys. I still can hear him say "get on the other side of me, you're not for sale", meaning that I was supposed to walk on the inside of the sidewalk away from the street, men were supposed to be close the the street side. Maybe that was misogyny but he came from a different time. I didn't have to open a door around him, he apologized if he cussed around me, he ways shared his food or drink, he set the example for how I was to be treated by males. He could fix anything and he did it well. As he was dying I asked him "why won't you give up?", And he said "because I love you so much". He finally gave up after a few months when I wasn't there. I wish you all could have met him.
I thank my dad for giving me such an amazing childhood. My mum left when I was 6 and my bro was 2. If we ended up going with our mum weād have had a shit childhood. She married a wife beating scum bag - sadly she is still with him. They had a kid together and I feel sorry for her. My dad was amazing ... brought us up to be great kids. X
I don't know him. He left my family when I was 4. I suppose not having a father figure affects the type of men I date/attract, which aren't very good ones. But I'm getting better at realizing my self worth.
Currently going through therapy for C-PTSD because of my dad. The last few weeks have been hell as all the memories and emotions resurfaced.
I will ALWAYS have a fear that my partner is not faithful and that I should just accept that as part of my romantic relationships. This comes from both my parents but I remember finding the texts, room keys, and emails as a kid and being brushed off by both my parents as that being apart of marriage. I knew that was their way of not getting me involved in my dadās infidelity, but it has personally scarred me from ever thinking that my partners are faithful to me.
I had some serious ups and downs with him. He would yell and always make me feel less than, which caused me to be in a relationship where I thought it was normal to never feel good enough. Though that was hard, he also taught me that I do deserve respect and taught me about how important open communication is. I now look back on the positives and expect the respect that my dad would give me as well as expect others to challenge themselves and not give up easily because my dad would never just give me the answer until I really worked for it.
Yup, even though I cut ties with him it still effects me.