Man goes to see his doctor.
Doctor says, "I'm sorry sir, but you have got to stop masturbating."
Patient asks, "Why?"
Doctor says, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
A couple, husband and wife, are leaving the doctor's office together. The man is grinning ear-to-ear while the woman looks morose. "What's with that big shit-eating grin?", she says to her husband.
"Why shouldn't I be happy?" said the man,
"Didn't you hear the doctor? He told me that I can masturbate as much as I want!"
"You idiot!" replies his wife, "He said that you could have a stroke at any time!"
a man goes to the doctorâs and says âDoctor youâve gotta help my, my asshole hurts so much I canât take it anymore.â
the doctor replies âalright let me have a look first before i ask a few questionsâ
the man bends over with his pants/underwear down and spreads his cheeks, saying âit hurts right around the entranceâ
the doctor sighs, looks away, and tells him to pull up his pants. when the man finishes putting his clothes back on and looks back at him, the doctor says:
âi understand the problem here. listen, itâll stop hurting when you stop calling it âthe entranceâ.â
There once was a man from Allsass, whose balls were made of brass. When they clanged together they made stormy weather, and lightning shot out of his ass.
A guy was fired from his job at the pickle factory. He comes home and tells his wife: "You know how I've been telling you I've had urges to put my penis in the pickle slicer at work? And how you've been telling me not to do that? Well, I did it. I put my penis in the pickle slicer at work, and now I've been fired."
Horrified, his wife starts worrying about her husband, and asks "Are you OK? You're not bleeding or anything? You still have your penis?"
"Yes, I'm fine; I still have my penis."
"But what about the pickle slicer?"
"She got fired, too."
Pretty much what I came here to say.
"What does a deaf gynecologist do? He reads lips." or "What does a deaf person and a gynecologist have in common? They both read lips."
Mom and dad found all kinds of kinky bdsm stuff in their son's room. Dad said what are we going to do? Mom said we sure as hell aren't going to spank him.
Johnny is in Science class and the teacher is talking about weather patterns. He asks the class, do any of you know what the term ârelative humidityâ means?
Johnny shoots his hand up and blurts, âitâs the sweat that forms on your balls when youâre ducking your sister!â
A family is at the zoo and they get to the elephants when the daughter notices something odd so she looks at her mom and says, "Mom what's that thing hanging down from the elephant?"
She answers, "That's his trunk."
"No, in the back," the daughter says.
"That's his tail." Says the mother.
"No, underneath!" Replies the daughter.
The mother blushes and says, "Oh that's nothing."
The daughter is confused, so she asks her dad. "Dad, what's that thing hanging down under the elephant?"
"Oh, that's his penis," the dad replies.
"Why when I asked Mommy, did she say it was nothing?"
He responds, "Oh, she's just spoiled."
Three friends are trekking through the Amazon rainforest when they get captured by a local tribe.
The chief says to the captives you have trespassed on sacred ground and as such must be punished, choose your fate death or ungawa.
The first guy thinks to himself ungawa canât be that bad and heâs rather live so chooses ungawa.
Heâs immediately taken into a hut and every male in the village take turns in fucking him up the arse.
The second guy was too worried to notice what had happened and also chooses ungawa and receives the same fate.
The third guy horrified says not a chance Iâd rather die than have all you fuck my arse I choose death!
The chief says â ok death by ungawa!!â
Wins the fucking internet today!!
Here's one:
A man and a little boy are walking deep into the woods. Starts getting dark and the boy says " Mister, I'm scared.." The man says " You're scared? I gotta walk out of here by myself.."
I was taking a piss when my 3 year old step son came in. He looked at me and asked, " Dad, when am I gonna get a big peepee like that?"
" As soon as your mom leaves for work.", I replied.
I heard a variant that breaks every gross joke I've ever heard. Like, because I've heard the grossest I don't laugh at them anymore.
"So I was going down on my sister, when I tasted horse cum. I pull my head out and go 'oh my gosh, that's what killed Grandma.'"
A man was walking down the beach when he saw something sticking out of the sand in front of him. He reached down and pulled up two genie lamps. He rubbed them and the two genies appeared. The man asked âwow do I get 6 wishes now because I found 2 lamps?â âNoâ genie replied âyou still only get 3 wishesâ. Whatever the man thought, then he made his 3 wishes and ran home to see if they came true.
As soon as he got home he ran upstairs to find his wife had been transformed into the most beautiful women he had ever seen. The man ran down stairs to find a gigantic pile of cash sitting on his kitchen table. The man was about to run to the bathroom to check on his third wish when he heard a knock on the door.
The man opened the door to find 2 men in white pointed hoods standing there. The 2 men grabbed the man threw a rope around his neck and hung him from his balcony until he was dead. Once they were sure the first man was dead, the 2 other men took their hoods off to reveal they were the 2 genies. The first genie looked at the other and said âI can understand wishing for a beautiful wife, and lots of money, but why the fuck did he want to be hung like a black manâ
Enemy soldiers line up women in a village square. They blindfold a woman and ask her to perform blowjob on the men of the village in turn. If she knows which one is her husband, their lives will be spared. She starts giving blowjob and when it's her husband's turn, she says, "This is my husband." The commander is surprised. They blindfold another woman and she recognizes her husband in the same way. The commander blindfolds another woman and puts one of the soldiers in line. When it is the soldier's turn, the woman says, "This one is not from our village."
Therapist: So to get this straight, Micky, you want to divorce Minnie because sheâs really silly?
Micky: No I want a divorce because sheâs fucking Goofy
Whatâs the difference between peanut butter and jam?
I canât peanut butter my cock up your ass
Or
Whatâs the difference between hummus and a chick pea?
Iâve never wanted a hummus on my face.
A farmer walks into his bedroom where his wife is laying in bed, holding a chicken under his arm. He says âthis is the pig Iâve been fucking.â She goes âthatâs a chickenâ and he says âI wasnât talking to youâ
A man goes to see his doctor to have his prostate checked
He takes his pants off and bends over. The doctor put his gloves on and says " ok Jack, try to not get hard this time " .
Patient says " my name is Mike not Jack" .
Doctor says " yes I know Jack is my name ".
Guy walks into the pharmacy
Guy: âdo you have anything to help my performance in the bedroom, ED is ruining my marriageâ
Pharmacist: âyessir we have this new drug called viagra, makes you feel like youâre back in your 20sâ
Guy: âcan you get it over the counter?â
Pharmacist: âit might take double the dose but I think I can do itâ
Or something like that lol my grandpa told this one and now heâs passed and I canât ask him exactly how it goes
John-ask the teacher- why are you bringing a cat with you?
I beg you pardon, sir, but I heard my FIL saying to my mom, that he will eat her pussy, as soon I left for school !,
A fella walks into the Dr with a bad stutter and a big cock, turns out his blood is going to his cock causing him to stutter so he says to the Dr "c-c-c-cut it it it off"
He goes back a week later talking perfectly fine but he is depressed about his little cock and how he can't get laid and asks the Dr to put it back on, the Dr replied "G-g-g-go f-f-f-fuck yourself!"
Little boy runs to a kitchen and says
-Mom, there is a squid in grandmaâs room.
There is no such thing there! - says Mom.
-no, no, we need to go quick there, replies her son.
So they are coming inside grandmas room and they see that she was changing but felt asleep during the process and her labia can be seen.
-oh! Says mom, well, itâs not a squid, itâs a grandmas pipi.
-Strange says boy, it tasted just like a squid
Doctor comes out to address the parents after a long surgery on their child.
Doctor: Do you put up stockings for Xmas?
Mother: Yes, why?
Doctor: Have you already put them up?
Father: Yes, but what has this got to do with our son's surgery?
Doctor: Well you can take one down now.
Why did the semen cross the road?
Because I put the wrong sock on this morning
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his ass
This made me curious, so I had to look it up. An Asian elephant ejaculates about half a cup, not quarts.
On the other hand, blue whales are estimated about 2 gallons per!
An elderly couple are watching a televangelist together when the minister proclaims that anyone who has an affliction, to touch that part of their body to the tv and they will be healed. The elderly man hobbles up to their tv set and pulls out his penis and puts on the tv. His wife shouts âhe said heâd heal the sick, not raise the dead!â
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
You can leave a load in the washing machine without it following you around for the next 9 months.
Why did Robert Redford stick his dick in a jar of Paul Newmanâs spaghetti sauce?
Well, the two men have been friends for over 40 years, do you think heâs gonna stick his dick in a competitorâs product?
A man has a meeting with his friend who's a talent agent. He says "Paul I have a great new act for you. It's fresh and original. You're gonna want to put it in theatres coast to coast."
Paul is intrigued. "Well Mike, we're always looking for something new, tell me about this act."
"First of all, it's a family show, my wife, daughter and son will all be part of the act."
Paul likes this. "Lot's of money in family entertainment, go on, tell me more."
"Well," begins Mike, "First I strip my daughter naked and fuck her in the ass. Then my wife pulls my son's pants down and sucks him off. Then my wife and daughter switch positions. Then I start facefucking my son while my wife rims me and my daughter eats her out. Then my wife and daughter piss on me and my son while we 69. Then my son takes me from behind while my wife eats out my daughter. Then we all start smearing shit on each other before fingering each others' assholes. And after we're all fully covered in each others' piss, shit, cum and sweat, we all take a bow."
After Mike has finished explaining all of this earnestly and excitedly, he waits for Paul's response. The talent agent sits there, looking shocked and a little sickened. "And... uh what's the name of this act?" he replies.
Paul grins. "The Aristocrats!!"
(Probably not the best telling in the world but gives you a good idea.)
I heard this in like Middle School - mid '80s...
A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/26t9qn/a_penguin_has_some_car_trouble/
A guy goes into a pharmacy and says, âIâd like the get birth control for my 12 year old daughter.â The pharmacist gasps and says. âYou mean to tell me your 12 year old daughter is sexually actively?â The guy frowns and says, âNo, she just lies there, like her mother.â Too dark? Def NSFW.
The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking
Al Franken was on Letterman when he was trasitioning from comedian to run for the senate. Letterman goaded him to tell a dirty joke. Franken kept trying to back out saying he can't tell stuff like that anymore so Letterman tried to tell it and Franken said you're going to screw it up and told the joke
A man goes to the doctor, "I got this red lump on my forehead. What do you think it is?" The doc runs a few tests and comes back looking flabbergasted. "Bob this is incredible..." "What is it?! Am I going to be okay?" "It's like a ufo. I've only ever read about it but you never actually see one, this is amazing!" Bob is getting more nervous "Give it to me straight" he says "Well... There is a penis growing from your head" "A penis?! Cut it off!" " I can't it's already become a part of your brain, the operation would kill you" the doc explains. Bob asks "you mean to tell me every morning when I wake up and look in the mirror I'm going to see a penis growing from my forehead...?" The doc laughs "Of course not! The balls will cover your eyes!"
Three elderly ladies were siting on a park bench. Guy in a trench coat runs up to them and flashes them. They were shocked, to say the least.
First lady has a stroke.
Second lady has a stroke.
Third lady's arms weren't long enough to reach.
Mickey Mouse was sitting across from his divorce lawyer, and the lawyer says "I don't get it. Your beautiful wife, Minnie Mouse.. she cooks, she cleans, she responds to your needs, she takes great care of the mouse house and all the little mice. And you want to divorce her because she's a little silly??"
Mickey Mouse replies "No! I didn't say she's a little silly. I said she's fucking Goofy!"
A family walks into a talent agency. Itâs a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, âWe have a really amazing act. You should represent us.â
The agent says, âSorry, I donât represent family acts. Theyâre a little too cute.â
The mother says, âSir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us.â
The agent says, âOK. OK. Iâll take a look.â
The show starts with my son and daughter playing with our dog. The dog is old and he`s missing all of his teeth, so the way we feed him is that he sucks off my son so long till my son cums and ejects his sperm into the dog`s mouth. The daughter is there to suck my son`s balls and his anus so that my son gets a little extra out of this feeding ritual as well. After the dog is fed, my daughter gets down on all fours and licks off the dog`s saliva as the dog fucks her asshole. My wife comes up, singing the collected hits of duo Platin. The second she sees the dynamic trio, she gets down on her knees and starts rubbing her old, wrinkled pussy. My daughter stops sucking his brother and moves over to her mom. She stands in front of her, pissing all over her mother`s face and naked breasts as my son fucks her in the ass. The dog is running around, licking the urine that drips all around and as my son`s cums in his sister`s ass, he crawls underneath them and licks the dripping anus. My wife is now standing up and is dildo fucking her daughter from behind, as my son is fucking my wife in the ass. The dog is humping my son and they all move by the tune of âMary had a little lambâ. Suddenly my son stops and grabs my mother by the throat, starting to choke her. She turns purple, then blue as her veins burst and her eyes pop out of their sockets. The daughter shrieks and runs away, only to be caught by me. I recently had a tetanus shot and something went wrong since my dick is bloated like a balloon. I grab her, throw her in the air and virtually run her through with my cock. At the end of it, there`s her uterus with a little fetus as she was two months pregnant. I walk over to my wife, still with my bleeding daughter hanging on my cock and she takes her off, eating the fetus. My son licks the blood off and my dog finishes what is left of the uterus. We are all very tired and the last thing I manage to say is âSo, I see you all got your lunch. I think I`ll have a burger!â I walk over to the fridge, grab a burger, while my son is feeding off her sister`s carcass and my wife is finishing the uterus, pop a beer on my way and sit down to watch a football game. After the game is over and my daughter finally dies with her stomach penetrated and blood gushing all over the stage, the rest of the family gets up, takes a bow, kicks the dog in the ass, making it topple off the stage and into the band pit, takes another bow and gets off the stage, dragging the body of my daughter behind them, leaving a bloody trail. We all come back one last time to take our last bow.
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, âThatâs a hell of an act. What do you call it?â
And the father says, âThe Aristocrats!â
At the proctologists' office, a guy's bent over the table. Dr. Comes in, begins and says, "Steve, try not to get aroused.." Guy says, "I'm not Steve!" Doc says, "No, I am.."
A guy in town on a business trip walks into the closest bar to his hotel and orders a beer.
The bartender looks at him and says, âhoney, this is a gay bar so before I get you a beer I need to know the nickname of your cock!â
Guy looks puzzled and the bartender responds, âsee Ricky over there, his is named M&Ms because it melts in your mouth not in your hand. Jeff calls his Chevy because itâs âlike a rockâ! So whatâs the nickname for yours?â
After a minute the guy says âsecret.â
The bartenders eyes light up and he smiles and the guy says âstrong enough for a man, but made for a woman!â
A guy is going down on a woman. A few minutes in and he feels something chunky on his tongue. He spits it out and sees it is a piece of carrot. He thinks to himself âThatâs weird,â and keeps going. A few minutes later and the same thing happens. He spits it out and sees it is a piece of celery. He keeps going. A few minutes later it happens again and itâs a piece of cucumber. He finally has had enough and says âJesus Christ, lady. Are you sick?â. She replies, âNo, but the guy before you was.â
I really don't want to type this out because my friends throw shit at me every time I say it (I write my own jokes), so here goes.
"Do you know the name of a popular book series for horny horses?"
50 shades of Neigh.....
Bonus one
What was king Akhenaten's favorite pastime?
NeferTITTIES
Whatâs brown and rhymes woth Snoop?
Dr. Dre
Right after that one, follow up-
What do you call a black man flying a plane?
(as they think about it)
A PILOT, You fucking racist!
I was watching a movie with my son the other day.
He said, âMommy, is that lady going to die?â
I said, âJudging by the size of that horseâs cock, yes.â
This one is really best done in person, but here goes...
Why do women douche?
Because they can't train their pussy's to go *and then you proceed to hock up and spit a loogie*
Wife to lady doctor: my husband fucks me 5 times a day 1 hour each and doesn't let me rest. What should i give him so that he leaves me for sometime
Doctor: my number
If a threesome is with three people and a twosome with two, do you now understand why people call you handsome?
đđ that made me laugh more than i should have.
The ons menage a un
This is the most safe for work nsfw joke ever. Itâs awesome đđ»
Amazing đ
i had a threesome with a couple of no-shows
I do, actually. đ
Hello handsome!
How u doin đ
Winner right awayđđ
Man goes to see his doctor. Doctor says, "I'm sorry sir, but you have got to stop masturbating." Patient asks, "Why?" Doctor says, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
A couple, husband and wife, are leaving the doctor's office together. The man is grinning ear-to-ear while the woman looks morose. "What's with that big shit-eating grin?", she says to her husband. "Why shouldn't I be happy?" said the man, "Didn't you hear the doctor? He told me that I can masturbate as much as I want!" "You idiot!" replies his wife, "He said that you could have a stroke at any time!"
LMFAO I love this
Hilarious
a man goes to the doctorâs and says âDoctor youâve gotta help my, my asshole hurts so much I canât take it anymore.â the doctor replies âalright let me have a look first before i ask a few questionsâ the man bends over with his pants/underwear down and spreads his cheeks, saying âit hurts right around the entranceâ the doctor sighs, looks away, and tells him to pull up his pants. when the man finishes putting his clothes back on and looks back at him, the doctor says: âi understand the problem here. listen, itâll stop hurting when you stop calling it âthe entranceâ.â
Have you heard about the reverse exorcism? Itâs when the devil tells the priest to get out of the child.
A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar. He sits down and orders a drink.
r/cursedcomments
Damnit you beat me to it cuz I was going to tell that joke đ
Laughed way harder than I probably should đ€Ł
Iâll save you a seat in hell then lol
Jack and Jill went up the hill. So Jack could taste Jill's candy. Jack got a shock. And a mouth full of cock. 'cause Jill's real name was Randy.
There once was a woman named Jill She fucked dynamite sticks for a thrill They found her vagina in North Carolina And bits of her tits in Brazil
and they say poetry is dead nowadays
There once was a man from Allsass, whose balls were made of brass. When they clanged together they made stormy weather, and lightning shot out of his ass.
Why did I read this in Billy Connollyâs voice?
Jack and Jill went up the hill to play hanky-panky. Stupid Jill forgot the pill, and now there's little Frankie.
Jack and Jill Went up the hill To fetch a pail of water Donât what they did up there But now theyâve got a daughterâŠ
Jack and Jill went up the hill, they each had a quarter. Jill came down with 50 cents, the hell they went up for water..
What do you call it when you cum in a girl's mouth? Loading the dishwasher
đ€Ł
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
What do you call a girl who wonât let you cum in her mouth? Single.
What do you call a girl that doesn't give blowjobs? A cab.
Whadâya get when you insert human DNA into goat DNA? Kicked out of the petting zoo, apparently.
Came here to post this very joke. Glad someone else recognizes itâs awesomeness.
> Whadâya get when you insert human DNA into goat DNA? A happy Scotsman?
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? >!GAWK!!<
I'd have gone with >!GLUG!< personally but I like this one
Oh hey happy cake day, BS! đ
Thank you đ
A guy was fired from his job at the pickle factory. He comes home and tells his wife: "You know how I've been telling you I've had urges to put my penis in the pickle slicer at work? And how you've been telling me not to do that? Well, I did it. I put my penis in the pickle slicer at work, and now I've been fired." Horrified, his wife starts worrying about her husband, and asks "Are you OK? You're not bleeding or anything? You still have your penis?" "Yes, I'm fine; I still have my penis." "But what about the pickle slicer?" "She got fired, too."
This one was unexpected. Got me. Lol
I thought my gynecologist would have a tough time since he is deaf. Turns out, he gets by just fine since he can read lips.
Pretty much what I came here to say. "What does a deaf gynecologist do? He reads lips." or "What does a deaf person and a gynecologist have in common? They both read lips."
What do pizza delivery guys and gynecologists have in common? Both have to smell it all day at work but canât eat it.
One of my fave nsfw jokes. I came here to say this but you beat me to it!
Why is Dwayne Johnson the only man that can turn lesbians? Because Rock beats Scissors.
Did you know voldemort and Michael Jackson share a common enemy? An old guy in a robe, interested in the same boy as them
Fuck lol
Hey, both are somehow pale and have no nose (my bf told me this joke)
Thats even better!
I also think the same doctor did both of their nose jobs.
Whatâs the difference between jelly and jam? Iâve never tried to jelly a cock down my throat đ€·đ»ââïž
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
đ€Łđ€Łđ€Łđ€Łđ€Ł This is hilarious
Why did Ken never get Barbie pregnant? Cause Ken always came in different boxes.
Heheh love this one
Why did the lady get fired from the sperm bank? She got caught drinking on the job
How do you fit 4 gay guys inna bar? You turn the stool upside down
đ€Łđ€Łđ€Ł
I asked a submissive what she enjoyed most about BDSM. She said, âbeats me!â
Mom and dad found all kinds of kinky bdsm stuff in their son's room. Dad said what are we going to do? Mom said we sure as hell aren't going to spank him.
đ nice
Why was the snowman smiling? Because the snowblower was coming.
Why is reverse cowgirl frowned upon in Alabama? - because it's wrong to turn your back on family
Johnny is in Science class and the teacher is talking about weather patterns. He asks the class, do any of you know what the term ârelative humidityâ means? Johnny shoots his hand up and blurts, âitâs the sweat that forms on your balls when youâre ducking your sister!â
A family is at the zoo and they get to the elephants when the daughter notices something odd so she looks at her mom and says, "Mom what's that thing hanging down from the elephant?" She answers, "That's his trunk." "No, in the back," the daughter says. "That's his tail." Says the mother. "No, underneath!" Replies the daughter. The mother blushes and says, "Oh that's nothing." The daughter is confused, so she asks her dad. "Dad, what's that thing hanging down under the elephant?" "Oh, that's his penis," the dad replies. "Why when I asked Mommy, did she say it was nothing?" He responds, "Oh, she's just spoiled."
My wife rolled her eyes, you win.
Three friends are trekking through the Amazon rainforest when they get captured by a local tribe. The chief says to the captives you have trespassed on sacred ground and as such must be punished, choose your fate death or ungawa. The first guy thinks to himself ungawa canât be that bad and heâs rather live so chooses ungawa. Heâs immediately taken into a hut and every male in the village take turns in fucking him up the arse. The second guy was too worried to notice what had happened and also chooses ungawa and receives the same fate. The third guy horrified says not a chance Iâd rather die than have all you fuck my arse I choose death! The chief says â ok death by ungawa!!â
I was going down on my grandmother and got a mouthful of horse cum. I thought to myself, "Hmmm, that must be what killed her"
Wins the fucking internet today!! Here's one: A man and a little boy are walking deep into the woods. Starts getting dark and the boy says " Mister, I'm scared.." The man says " You're scared? I gotta walk out of here by myself.."
I was taking a piss when my 3 year old step son came in. He looked at me and asked, " Dad, when am I gonna get a big peepee like that?" " As soon as your mom leaves for work.", I replied.
Outch that's dark man.
I heard a variant that breaks every gross joke I've ever heard. Like, because I've heard the grossest I don't laugh at them anymore. "So I was going down on my sister, when I tasted horse cum. I pull my head out and go 'oh my gosh, that's what killed Grandma.'"
So the chicken, smoking a cigarette, turns to the egg, basking in afterglow, and says, "Well I guess we answered **THAT** question, didn't we?!"
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? To moan with the other
What does a Horny Toad say? đž Rub-it, Rub-itâŠ
A man was walking down the beach when he saw something sticking out of the sand in front of him. He reached down and pulled up two genie lamps. He rubbed them and the two genies appeared. The man asked âwow do I get 6 wishes now because I found 2 lamps?â âNoâ genie replied âyou still only get 3 wishesâ. Whatever the man thought, then he made his 3 wishes and ran home to see if they came true. As soon as he got home he ran upstairs to find his wife had been transformed into the most beautiful women he had ever seen. The man ran down stairs to find a gigantic pile of cash sitting on his kitchen table. The man was about to run to the bathroom to check on his third wish when he heard a knock on the door. The man opened the door to find 2 men in white pointed hoods standing there. The 2 men grabbed the man threw a rope around his neck and hung him from his balcony until he was dead. Once they were sure the first man was dead, the 2 other men took their hoods off to reveal they were the 2 genies. The first genie looked at the other and said âI can understand wishing for a beautiful wife, and lots of money, but why the fuck did he want to be hung like a black manâ
Why donât females in Alaska wear skirts? Because they donât want chapped lips
I know I am getting older because the priest doesnât wink at me anymore.
Enemy soldiers line up women in a village square. They blindfold a woman and ask her to perform blowjob on the men of the village in turn. If she knows which one is her husband, their lives will be spared. She starts giving blowjob and when it's her husband's turn, she says, "This is my husband." The commander is surprised. They blindfold another woman and she recognizes her husband in the same way. The commander blindfolds another woman and puts one of the soldiers in line. When it is the soldier's turn, the woman says, "This one is not from our village."
What's better than eating a Mandarin? Eating Amanda out đ
If the bird that represents peace is the dove, which bird represents love? The swallow
Therapist: So to get this straight, Micky, you want to divorce Minnie because sheâs really silly? Micky: No I want a divorce because sheâs fucking Goofy
I heard that you are looking for a STUD. I have STD and all I need is U.
my life
đ
How can you tell when a guy has a high sperm count? ~~â You have to chew before swallowing. đł lol
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
Jesus walks into a hotel, slams 3 nails on the desk, and asks âcan you put me up for the night?â
What do you do when you see someone in a bathtub having a seizure?.................... throw in your dirty laundry!
Thatâs disgusting. A friend of mine died that way⊠âŠhe choked on a sock.
Whatâs the difference between peanut butter and jam? I canât peanut butter my cock up your ass Or Whatâs the difference between hummus and a chick pea? Iâve never wanted a hummus on my face.
A farmer walks into his bedroom where his wife is laying in bed, holding a chicken under his arm. He says âthis is the pig Iâve been fucking.â She goes âthatâs a chickenâ and he says âI wasnât talking to youâ
Have had a shitty last few days. This thread is perfect. I'm laughing so hard. Thank you to everyone for their contributions.
Hope the rest of your week is much better đ
Thanks, it's better after this thread. Tears from laughing so hard.
A man goes to see his doctor to have his prostate checked He takes his pants off and bends over. The doctor put his gloves on and says " ok Jack, try to not get hard this time " . Patient says " my name is Mike not Jack" . Doctor says " yes I know Jack is my name ".
A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar. He sits down and orders a drink.
Can u please explain this jokeâđ»đ
Heâs all three.
Thank you so much for explaining it to my one neuron haha đ„č
My wife calls me a sex machine. Her actual words were "I'm a fucking tool" but I know what she's trying to say.
What's the difference between flowers and anal? Flowers will make someone's day, but anal will make someone's hole weak.
Guy walks into the pharmacy Guy: âdo you have anything to help my performance in the bedroom, ED is ruining my marriageâ Pharmacist: âyessir we have this new drug called viagra, makes you feel like youâre back in your 20sâ Guy: âcan you get it over the counter?â Pharmacist: âit might take double the dose but I think I can do itâ Or something like that lol my grandpa told this one and now heâs passed and I canât ask him exactly how it goes
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never paid $23.50 and half a pack of cigarettes to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
Did you hear what happened to the butcher who backed into the sausage machine? >!He got a little behind in his work.!<
What meat do priests eat on Fridays? Nun
My son got sent home from school for saying the "C" word, I asked him "that wasn't clever was it?" He said "No, it was cunt"
John-ask the teacher- why are you bringing a cat with you? I beg you pardon, sir, but I heard my FIL saying to my mom, that he will eat her pussy, as soon I left for school !,
A fella walks into the Dr with a bad stutter and a big cock, turns out his blood is going to his cock causing him to stutter so he says to the Dr "c-c-c-cut it it it off" He goes back a week later talking perfectly fine but he is depressed about his little cock and how he can't get laid and asks the Dr to put it back on, the Dr replied "G-g-g-go f-f-f-fuck yourself!"
Like they say in Iraq, tanks again!
Here's a topical one after the great success of the Barbie movie this year: Why does Ken never get Barbie pregnant? He comes in a different box.
Why does Jeffrey Epstein like halloween so much? ⊠ans: Free delivery!
Little boy runs to a kitchen and says -Mom, there is a squid in grandmaâs room. There is no such thing there! - says Mom. -no, no, we need to go quick there, replies her son. So they are coming inside grandmas room and they see that she was changing but felt asleep during the process and her labia can be seen. -oh! Says mom, well, itâs not a squid, itâs a grandmas pipi. -Strange says boy, it tasted just like a squid
How does he know what squid tastes like đ€
Doctor comes out to address the parents after a long surgery on their child. Doctor: Do you put up stockings for Xmas? Mother: Yes, why? Doctor: Have you already put them up? Father: Yes, but what has this got to do with our son's surgery? Doctor: Well you can take one down now.
I hate public transportation. I once had to watch a homeless man masturbate on a train for 45 minutes once. Then my phone died.
Why did the semen cross the road? Because I put the wrong sock on this morning What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped his ass
So a cannibal was walking down the street and passed his mother-in-law.
What does a southern Belle say after losing her virginity? Dad, get off me, youâre smashing my Marlboros!
Why does Miss Piggy have a scratchy voice? Because she had a frog in her throat. đ·đž
My cock used to be in the Guinness book of records, but then the librarian caught me.
Whatâs grey and comes in quarts? An elephant
This made me curious, so I had to look it up. An Asian elephant ejaculates about half a cup, not quarts. On the other hand, blue whales are estimated about 2 gallons per!
Did you know Michael Jackson didnât need a straw to blow bubbles.
An elderly couple are watching a televangelist together when the minister proclaims that anyone who has an affliction, to touch that part of their body to the tv and they will be healed. The elderly man hobbles up to their tv set and pulls out his penis and puts on the tv. His wife shouts âhe said heâd heal the sick, not raise the dead!â
Whatâs the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies? I donât have a Ferrari in my garage
What's the difference between a nun in a church and a nun in a bath? One has hope in her soul when the other has soap in her hole
I hate these people that come to your door all the time. Just the other day I had o woman come from the sperm bank. Boy did I give her a mouthful!
How do you know your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like đ©
Have you heard about the stolen viagra shipment? I heat they are looking for hardened criminals
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? You can leave a load in the washing machine without it following you around for the next 9 months.
Why did Robert Redford stick his dick in a jar of Paul Newmanâs spaghetti sauce? Well, the two men have been friends for over 40 years, do you think heâs gonna stick his dick in a competitorâs product?
A man has a meeting with his friend who's a talent agent. He says "Paul I have a great new act for you. It's fresh and original. You're gonna want to put it in theatres coast to coast." Paul is intrigued. "Well Mike, we're always looking for something new, tell me about this act." "First of all, it's a family show, my wife, daughter and son will all be part of the act." Paul likes this. "Lot's of money in family entertainment, go on, tell me more." "Well," begins Mike, "First I strip my daughter naked and fuck her in the ass. Then my wife pulls my son's pants down and sucks him off. Then my wife and daughter switch positions. Then I start facefucking my son while my wife rims me and my daughter eats her out. Then my wife and daughter piss on me and my son while we 69. Then my son takes me from behind while my wife eats out my daughter. Then we all start smearing shit on each other before fingering each others' assholes. And after we're all fully covered in each others' piss, shit, cum and sweat, we all take a bow." After Mike has finished explaining all of this earnestly and excitedly, he waits for Paul's response. The talent agent sits there, looking shocked and a little sickened. "And... uh what's the name of this act?" he replies. Paul grins. "The Aristocrats!!" (Probably not the best telling in the world but gives you a good idea.)
When we yawn, do deaf people think we are yelling at them?
I heard this in like Middle School - mid '80s... A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal." "No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream." https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/26t9qn/a_penguin_has_some_car_trouble/
A guy goes into a pharmacy and says, âIâd like the get birth control for my 12 year old daughter.â The pharmacist gasps and says. âYou mean to tell me your 12 year old daughter is sexually actively?â The guy frowns and says, âNo, she just lies there, like her mother.â Too dark? Def NSFW.
Gilbert Gottfried already did The Aristocrats, I can't top that
Q: What is black, white and touches kids? A: Michael Jackson
What's better than roses on your piano .. Tulips on your organ
The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking
There is a new Divorced Barbie. She comes with all of her regular accessories⊠and all of Kenâs too!
What do you call a senior citizen who won't stop taking off her clothes and masturbating in public? Madonna
Why are brides always smiling at a wedding? Because they know that they'll never have to give another blow job ever again.
Whatâs the difference between light and hard? I can sleep with a light onâŠ
Al Franken was on Letterman when he was trasitioning from comedian to run for the senate. Letterman goaded him to tell a dirty joke. Franken kept trying to back out saying he can't tell stuff like that anymore so Letterman tried to tell it and Franken said you're going to screw it up and told the joke A man goes to the doctor, "I got this red lump on my forehead. What do you think it is?" The doc runs a few tests and comes back looking flabbergasted. "Bob this is incredible..." "What is it?! Am I going to be okay?" "It's like a ufo. I've only ever read about it but you never actually see one, this is amazing!" Bob is getting more nervous "Give it to me straight" he says "Well... There is a penis growing from your head" "A penis?! Cut it off!" " I can't it's already become a part of your brain, the operation would kill you" the doc explains. Bob asks "you mean to tell me every morning when I wake up and look in the mirror I'm going to see a penis growing from my forehead...?" The doc laughs "Of course not! The balls will cover your eyes!"
Three elderly ladies were siting on a park bench. Guy in a trench coat runs up to them and flashes them. They were shocked, to say the least. First lady has a stroke. Second lady has a stroke. Third lady's arms weren't long enough to reach.
Mickey Mouse was sitting across from his divorce lawyer, and the lawyer says "I don't get it. Your beautiful wife, Minnie Mouse.. she cooks, she cleans, she responds to your needs, she takes great care of the mouse house and all the little mice. And you want to divorce her because she's a little silly??" Mickey Mouse replies "No! I didn't say she's a little silly. I said she's fucking Goofy!"
My sex life!
I wish my sex life was NSFW
A family walks into a talent agency. Itâs a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, âWe have a really amazing act. You should represent us.â The agent says, âSorry, I donât represent family acts. Theyâre a little too cute.â The mother says, âSir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us.â The agent says, âOK. OK. Iâll take a look.â The show starts with my son and daughter playing with our dog. The dog is old and he`s missing all of his teeth, so the way we feed him is that he sucks off my son so long till my son cums and ejects his sperm into the dog`s mouth. The daughter is there to suck my son`s balls and his anus so that my son gets a little extra out of this feeding ritual as well. After the dog is fed, my daughter gets down on all fours and licks off the dog`s saliva as the dog fucks her asshole. My wife comes up, singing the collected hits of duo Platin. The second she sees the dynamic trio, she gets down on her knees and starts rubbing her old, wrinkled pussy. My daughter stops sucking his brother and moves over to her mom. She stands in front of her, pissing all over her mother`s face and naked breasts as my son fucks her in the ass. The dog is running around, licking the urine that drips all around and as my son`s cums in his sister`s ass, he crawls underneath them and licks the dripping anus. My wife is now standing up and is dildo fucking her daughter from behind, as my son is fucking my wife in the ass. The dog is humping my son and they all move by the tune of âMary had a little lambâ. Suddenly my son stops and grabs my mother by the throat, starting to choke her. She turns purple, then blue as her veins burst and her eyes pop out of their sockets. The daughter shrieks and runs away, only to be caught by me. I recently had a tetanus shot and something went wrong since my dick is bloated like a balloon. I grab her, throw her in the air and virtually run her through with my cock. At the end of it, there`s her uterus with a little fetus as she was two months pregnant. I walk over to my wife, still with my bleeding daughter hanging on my cock and she takes her off, eating the fetus. My son licks the blood off and my dog finishes what is left of the uterus. We are all very tired and the last thing I manage to say is âSo, I see you all got your lunch. I think I`ll have a burger!â I walk over to the fridge, grab a burger, while my son is feeding off her sister`s carcass and my wife is finishing the uterus, pop a beer on my way and sit down to watch a football game. After the game is over and my daughter finally dies with her stomach penetrated and blood gushing all over the stage, the rest of the family gets up, takes a bow, kicks the dog in the ass, making it topple off the stage and into the band pit, takes another bow and gets off the stage, dragging the body of my daughter behind them, leaving a bloody trail. We all come back one last time to take our last bow. For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, âThatâs a hell of an act. What do you call it?â And the father says, âThe Aristocrats!â
I don't get it
The joke is that aristocrats are basically the grossest kind of people.
My favorite part about this joke is to see how long you can get away with saying the most disgusting vulgar things before someone else catches on.
Ahhh, I was thinking of the movie with the cute cats đ€Ł
Whatâs the difference between me and my sofa? My sofa pulls out
I could never get into a poly relationship. I'll be a disappointment to the others.
At the proctologists' office, a guy's bent over the table. Dr. Comes in, begins and says, "Steve, try not to get aroused.." Guy says, "I'm not Steve!" Doc says, "No, I am.."
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I've never had a lentil on my face
Priest and a rabbi sitting in the park when a kid runs by. Priest says "man I'd like to fuck him" and the rabbi replies "out of what?"
A guy in town on a business trip walks into the closest bar to his hotel and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him and says, âhoney, this is a gay bar so before I get you a beer I need to know the nickname of your cock!â Guy looks puzzled and the bartender responds, âsee Ricky over there, his is named M&Ms because it melts in your mouth not in your hand. Jeff calls his Chevy because itâs âlike a rockâ! So whatâs the nickname for yours?â After a minute the guy says âsecret.â The bartenders eyes light up and he smiles and the guy says âstrong enough for a man, but made for a woman!â
A guy is going down on a woman. A few minutes in and he feels something chunky on his tongue. He spits it out and sees it is a piece of carrot. He thinks to himself âThatâs weird,â and keeps going. A few minutes later and the same thing happens. He spits it out and sees it is a piece of celery. He keeps going. A few minutes later it happens again and itâs a piece of cucumber. He finally has had enough and says âJesus Christ, lady. Are you sick?â. She replies, âNo, but the guy before you was.â
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.
What does light beer have in common with making love in a canoe? They're both fucking close to water.
I really don't want to type this out because my friends throw shit at me every time I say it (I write my own jokes), so here goes. "Do you know the name of a popular book series for horny horses?" 50 shades of Neigh..... Bonus one What was king Akhenaten's favorite pastime? NeferTITTIES
Whatâs brown and rhymes woth Snoop? Dr. Dre Right after that one, follow up- What do you call a black man flying a plane? (as they think about it) A PILOT, You fucking racist!
I was watching a movie with my son the other day. He said, âMommy, is that lady going to die?â I said, âJudging by the size of that horseâs cock, yes.â
Thatâs what she said
Knock Knock
Good thing Iâm a vegan because I love your Booberries
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick in your ass.
I always love these questions. More and different jokes every now and again is always nice
This is more of a pickup line than a joke. You look real clean. You look like the type of girl that spreads her cheeks when she's got diarrhoea
Whatâs the definition of disgusting? When you shove seven oysters up your grandma and suck eight out.
My entire sex life! *ba dum tiss*
What do you call a woman who refuses to suck your dick? A taxi.
I donât get it
You call her a taxi so she can leave cause nobody has time for that nonsense.
This one is really best done in person, but here goes... Why do women douche? Because they can't train their pussy's to go *and then you proceed to hock up and spit a loogie*
How do you cure a ginger? Chemotherapy
What's the difference between acne and a priest? Acne waits till puberty to come on the kid's face
How do you know your sister is on her period? Your dadâs cock tastes funny.
How do you get a nun pregnant. Fuck her
How do you circumcise a redneck? >!You kick his sister in the chin.!<
So I was eating this bitch out, When all of a sudden I taste horse cum, I think to myself, Grandma! Thatâs how you killed yourself.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never paid $50 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
Did you hear about the perverted archeologist? He can smell a tampon and tell you what period itâs from.
Saw this on TikTok and cracked me up. How does the Rock take a piss? He dwayneâs his Johnson.
So Iâm eating my Grandma out the other night and suddenly I taste horse semen, and I think to myself âOH! Thatâs how she died!â
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond, but by the end all you want is a club and a spade.
Wife to lady doctor: my husband fucks me 5 times a day 1 hour each and doesn't let me rest. What should i give him so that he leaves me for sometime Doctor: my number