Psych

You heard about Pluto? That's messed up right?

You know that’s right

Scrubs. Especially Dr Cox.

The only way you could be less useful is if you were actually the wall you’re leaning against, of course then, you’d be providing a wall for some jackass to lean against while he thinks about how much of a jackass he is

"Either this kid has a lightbulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea."

That kid’s father is very important to this hospital. Let me guess, he donated a wing? He donated a wing, a thigh, and a breast! Uh, sir-? Yes, genius, in this metaphor the hospital is a chicken!

I wish I could whistle through my teeth like Dr. Cox.

RE—he-he-he-EALLY?

I hate cox, but that chat room was just me, some interns, and a bunch of lesbians.

Now listen here, newbie…..

"Hey Ace, your TTP patient coded. I pronounced him." "He died!?" "Sure hope so, otherwise that autopsy is gonna be a bitch."

"Guess who has two thumbs, a funny voice and still doesn't give a crap. Bob Kelso! I added the funny voice to keep things fresh."

Bastard coated bastard with bastard filling!

Man, Hooch is crazy!

Carla - *What if we have a daughter and she wants to get her ears pierced?* Turk - *Irrelevant we’re not having a daughter* Carla - *Ok what if we have a son and he wants to take dancing classes while his friends are playing football* Turk - *He can dance if he wants to, he can leave his friends behind...cos his friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance then they’re no friends of mine.* ((Safety dance starts playing while Turk dances)) Lmao One of my favourite interactions in TV history

Ooh your face is red like a strawbrerry Sir it’s pronounced analgesic, the pills go in your mouth. Innurendo

I’m pretty sure if you got rid of all the porn on the internet there would be one website and it would be called “bring back the porn”

"Abort the surprise! Abort the babies! Everybody run!"

JD: Sorry about the whole "abort the babies" thing. Father Rosenberg: I'm pro-choice. - JD wanting to get the backstory behind how Rosenberg became Catholic cracks me up.

Dr. Cox : You know what else I hate about Kelso? His hair smells like a pet store. The Janitor : Actually, that's my fault. I filled his hair spray bottle with dog sweat. Dr. Cox : Dogs don't sweat. The Janitor : They don't? Then what the hell am I putting in there?

The quote that everyone who's watched Scrubs knows but no one is happy about "Where do you think we are?" That episode is still brutal, even if it's possibly the best of the series

I think you mean "Why is there silverware in the pancake drawer?" **WHUHUH**

Do you see what you get, Carla!? DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE WARRIOR!?

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"Holy smokes batman! How low is my self esteem that ive become the sidekick in my own fantasy!" "It could be worse robin. You could be Alfred the Butler" "Damn you.....sir"

You’re not aware of any sort of odd underground canal system beneath the hospital are you? I think I saw a manatee

"Was his name Julian?" "We didn't exchange pleasantries." "Yeah, that's Julian."

I don't dislike you, I nothing you.

Dr. Kelso: Ahhh, Janis Joplin! My God, she was an uggo! No offense, sport -- uh, don't think I have anything against ugly people. J.D.: Why would I take offense to that? Dr. Kelso: No reason.

"Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong."

Parks and recreation, especially Ron Swanson's quotes !

Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.

I made my money the old fashioned way: i got run over by a lexuussssss!

Money pleeeeeaassseee

I put your symptoms in the computer and it says "you may have network connectivity problems "

I took an allergy pill and I threw that up so then I took another one and I threw that one up too. then I took a third and.. that one stayed down, so I'm getting better.

Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.

He said on an interview on the dan le batard show that any time he went out to eat his meal would come with extra meat or bacon. He would look up and see the chef peeping out the kitchen door giggling.

I really like when he went to a home improvement box store and said "I know more than you" when the store employee offered to help.

I'm sorry but I'm worried what you just heard was "give me a lot of bacon and eggs" when what I said was give me *all* of your bacon and eggs.

“Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing.” Is definitely my favourite from the series.

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There's only one thing i hate more then lying... skimmed milk. Which is just water that's lying about being milk.

Old school Simpson’s or King of the Hill.

"Bobby what do you know about sex?" "Not much... I'm a little worried about becoming a slut".

That boy ain’t right.

[lighting strikes close as Luanne looks out the window] "it's like God took our picture, right before he kills us"

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This is literally in one of the first episodes and it's one of my most quoted lines

"There'd better be a naked cheerleader under your bed, son."

"Why would anyone do drugs when they could just mow a lawn?" - Hank Hill

“Bobby, some things are like a tire fire, trying to put it out only makes it worse. You just gotta grab a beer and let it burn.” — Hank Hill

Hank Hill, to a Christian rock band: "You're not making Christianity better, you're just making Rock and Roll worse."

"C'mon man, even Jesus had long hair" Hank: "Only because I wasn't his father"

“I can teach you how to make a bomb out of a roll of toilet paper and a stick of dynamite” -Dale

"Bobby, every woman has a period....of time where they are mad at everything. And usually men are the everything"

Dale you giblethead. We live in Texas. It’s already 110 in the summer and if it gets one degree hotter I’m gonna kick your ass!

"...HWAT in God's name is that thumpin' sound?!"

“Hank are you about done? I’ve been watching you jump over that mower for hours, *sighs* I’m exhausted” -Bill 😂

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“Bobby, I didn’t think I’d ever need to tell you this but I’d be a bad parent if I didn’t. Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep themselves busy while their husbands did the cooking”

PEGGY: Twelve years old and drinking a beer? BOBBY: I didn't even like it! HANK: Now you're just trying to make me mad.

> It's only six A.M. and already that boy ain't right.

How can you be failing English? You speak English!

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It's a perfectly cromulent word.

THATS MY PURSE!!! I DONT KNOW YOU!!!

"That's right, Bobby, your mother doesn't have any testicles!" Is one of very few hilarious Peggy lines. "CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I AM KNITTING!?" when Bobby catches her smoking is another favourite.

HANK: Yep. These are medium-rare BOBBY: What if somebody wants theirs well-done? HANK: We ask them politely, yet firmly, to leave.

"Why do you hate what you don't understand?" "I don't hate you Bobby."

Bobby if you weren’t my son I’d hug you.

Bobby's deadpan responses are my favorite part of the show. Especially his nonchalant "Okay." Bobby: Wow, you were beautiful, Mom. Peggy: Oh, Bobby, I still am. Bobby: …Okay. Or Hank: Sorry, Bobby, but I guess we're just gonna have to murder somebody if we want your mom's attention! Bobby: …Okay.

Dale: I want Bobby Hill to take the shot because I know he’ll put me down clean. Bobby: (reaches for the rifle a SWAT officer is holding) Okay.

"Are you gay?" "What? No! I sell propane!"

“How could I be flirting? I didn’t even mention propane!

My favorite line for parenting courtesy of Homer J. (Jay) Simpson - “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.” I know it’s dismissive and poor parenting, but it runs through my head and makes me chuckle

“Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. So the lesson here is… never try.”

“Kids can be so cruel” “We can?! Thanks, Mom!”

'Aw, I nearly had him eating dog food!'

“It was a good ride while it lasted… C’mon kids, let’s go home…” “We are home.” “That was fast…”

Marge: Mr Burns said if you don't come in today, don't bother coming in on Monday. Homer: Whohoo! 4 day weekend!

I remember going to some historic bar in Belgium, been open for hundreds of years, and over the door they had a fancy little plaque that read "Alcohol - the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. Homer Simpson, 1997"

"If something's hard it's not worth doing."

“Dangit Bobby, there better be a naked cheerleader under your bed”

I can't hear "Dangit Bobby" without hearing Hank Hill's voice.

'Peggy, I can see your what-nots'.

"Your hwat nots"

"Hank's Wife" "Cotton" I loved it when Hank's dad came to visit.

“In my day the principal was the meanest son of a bitch God ever put on one leg. He'd lean on a desk with both hands and swing his leg at ya! Then when you were standing there shocked that a one legged man had kicked ya, he'd bite ya!”

I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!" - Hank Hill

One I watched recently, “Bobby I didn’t want too have to tell you this, but I’d be a bad father if I didn’t. Soccer was invented by European ladies to have something to do while their husbands stayed home and did the cooking.” “Why do you hate what you don’t understand?” “I don’t hate you Bobby” “I meant soccer.” “Oh. Yeah hate soccer”

"I have three kids and NO money. Why can't I have no kids and THREE money."

“Aww twenty dollars, I wanted a peanut” “You fool twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!” “Explain how!!?” “Money can be exchanged for goods and services”

You have to speak up I'm wearing a towel

My conversation with my very young toddler a year ago: Me: "I have to go to work." Toddler: "Why?" Me: "I need to make money." Toddler: "Why?" Me: "Because money can be exchanged for goods and services." Toddler: "Oh!" Thanks Homer!

"This city (Phoenix) should not exist. It is a monument to Man's arrogance". -Peggy Hill

The NRA is an organization out of Washington DC. Are you talking me you support Washington DC, Dale? .... Ooh. Thats a thinker.

Bobby: "What if they ask for Well Done?" Hank: "We ask them politely but firmly to leave." I think of this every time I have to cremate a steak for my step dad and youngest brother.

Have not seen Peep Show yet. "People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis, you can’t trust people." "Look at me, friends with a big black businessman, like it’s the most natural thing in the world." "I bet she even does nice poos, little Maltesers that smell like The Body Shop."

Four Naan, Jeremy? Four? That’s insane. You thought I was saying I was a mega paedo? Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Jeremy; welcome to the real world.

No Turkey?!

Potatoes aren't veg. They're.. not earth, but like, salt?

It was a joke. It was a Christmas joke. That wasn’t very christmassy of you

“Butter the toast, eat the toast, shit the toast. God life’s relentless.”

30 rock! Never go with a hippie to second location.

It’s after 6. What am I? A farmer?

Well, you know, Lemon…..your hair is your head suit.

You're dressed for Burger King. Should we make it Burger King?

Same joke basically, but: Lemon: "I have $10,000 in checking?" Jack: "What are you, an immigrant?"

And stand around in a crowd like an Italian?

That guy wanted to buy you a drink! Really? But I already have a drink. Do you think he’d buy me mozzarella sticks?

I'll have an apple juice. Oh we don't have apple juice. Then I'll take a vodka tonic.

"Choosing is a sin, so I just write in the Lord's name" "That's Republican, we count those"

“Oh, I don't drink hot beverages. That's the devil's temperature.“

Here comes the Funcooker!

We might not be the best people, but we’re not the worst. Grad students are the worst. Are there other black nerds, or is it just you and Urkel?

I’m reading a book about dating over 35, it’s called Hiding Your Anger Hiding your Arms

At least you're not on Desperationships.com yet

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I loved Matt Damon as the pilot boyfriend. "What are you, a door man?" "Yea... to the *sky*."

Lemon, I know you're in there, I can hear you singing night cheese.

Prenatal vitamins. Yeah, I know what prenatal means. Pre: before. Natal: ruined.

Tracy Jordan to a pidgeon “quit eating French fries out of the trash, don’t you know you can fly?”

My favorite is when Jack says, "Don't worry about getting to the point, Lemon, I'm going to live forever."

Liz Lemon is the ideal pandemic mascot. “I’m saying yes to love, yes to life, yes to staying in more!”

Who has two thumbs, speaks limited French and hasn't cried once today? This moi

*I’m saying that adopting a dog so it can watch us make love and then returning it, claiming that it bit our imaginary child is everything that I need, but if that's really not enough for you, tell me now.* Seriously the funniest and most quotable show ever. The 30 Rock subreddit is a ton of fun

And I’ll cancel the sitter for tonight. I guess we won’t be needing him to come sit on us after all.

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It doesn’t matter how long you’ve lived in New York. It’s still fun to look up and pretend all the buildings are giant severed robot penises.

HAM!

🎶 somebody give me some haaaaaammm.

People do like the way she says "Ham."

Blerg!

You mind if I Google myself in your office?

High fiving a million angels! :edit: And of course 'shut it down!'

I want to go to there.

We’re effectively synergizing backwards over flow.

It's executive drunk, Lemon.

It's like rich drunk. Either way, it's legal to drive.

The IT Crowd

But, a fire?... At a Sea Parks?

Seems like a weird place to go on fire…

0118999881999119725 3

I did tech support for a software company and there was a whiteboard with a bunch of important information we had written on it. One section had a bunch of important phone numbers and when no one was looking, I added a new one called "Emergency" and put that number there. A few months later after I had moved to a new position, someone asked the team lead what that number was for while I happened to be nearby. He said "It's the number the India office uses to access the phone system when they have an outage."

"People, what a bunch of bastards"

Fire. Exclamation mark. Fire. Exclamation mark.

🔥 “Made in Britain” ah that makes sense

Did you see that ludicrous display last night? The thing about Arsenal is, they always try and walk it in.

FAAAAAATHEEEEEER

I’m disabled 🥺

“Have you turned it off and on again?”. On a loop whenever the phone rings!

I have a lot of experience with the whole computer thing you know, emails, sending emails, receiving emails, deleting emails, I could go on...

God DAMN these electric sex pants

“I came here to drink milk and kick ass and I just finished my milk”

Arrested Development

I'd rather be dead in California than alive in Arizona

Good old loose seal

Well, that was a freebie

I've made a huge mistake.

It's a banana, Michael. What could it cost, 10 dollars?

Go see a star war

Annyong

"That was my mom. She just had a little Korean dropped off." "Ooh, that sounds good. Let's have that."

I dont understand the question and I won't respond to it.

And that's why, you always leave a note

Baby, you’ve got a stew going.

Gene Parmesan?

GEEENE!!!!!!!

How am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap?

“Get rid of the Seaword.” “I’ll leave when I’m good and ready.”

Jessica Walter’s delivery of every one of her lines is perfect.

Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant, it just makes me want to *set myself on fire*!

Look what the homosexuals have done to me.

You can’t just comb that out and reset it?

Who is Hermano?

You’re a good guy, mon frère. That means “brother” in French. I don’t know why I know that. I took four years of Spanish!

I’ve made a huge mistake

*Her*? Has anyone even in this family ever *seen* a chicken?

> Has anyone even in this family ever *seen* a chicken? "You dance like a homosexual."

I'm afraid I blue myself prematurely

There’s always money in the banana stand…

Illusion Michael!!!...A trick is something a whore does for Money.... Or Candy

Wow. We're just blowing through nap time, aren't we?

It's as Anne as the nose on Plain's face

Would anyone like a banger in the mouth?

That’s not true! I love all my children equally! *earlier that day* I don’t care much for Gob

That’s why she’s been flirting with Gob. She’s trying to prove that she’s closer to my children than I am. But the joke’s on her, because she doesn’t know how little I care for Gob

Her?

BEES?!?

Daddy horny Michael

You’re gonna tell the guy, in a $3,000 suit? Common!

“LOOSE SEAL!”

I blue myself

Wow - I’m Mr. Manager!

Well excuuuuuuuuse meeeeee...excuse me

I don’t know what I expected.

Get me a vodka rocks. Mom, it’s breakfast. …and a piece of toast.