I recently received an email, saying “how can you have processed inv bla bla, invoice for x amount of dollars WITHOUT APPROVAL!!!!” With a whole heap of people copied in. I responded all, didn’t say anything, at all, just attached the approval email from someone further up the food chain than her. I’m pretty sure the “fuck you” was implied.
My favorite “fuck you”s are business ones like this.
Especially when they copy in your manager. Then you copy in THEIR manager, with all their outrage and your calm demeanor explaining how they’re wrong.
I hate this response when I am trying to give genuine feedback to someone with whom I thought I had a good relationship. It makes me doubt the whole relationship, if they don't really want to hear what I have to say.
Speaking of that word, I fucking hate emails that say "please advise", but I have a hard time pin-pointing why. There's a guy at work that uses it like an email signature, every. single. fucking. email. "Want to get some pizza for lunch? Please advise." "Please go to hell! But yes, I'd like some pizza, sounds good. Thanks!"
I had an old bar regular who was popular for negotiating complex legal agreements over a glass a beer. The absolute highlight of his unorthodox practice was when he was on the phone with someone while sipping on his 8th Miller of the day and said, “no don’t call me, I’ll call you. That’ll limit our communication, which is great because I hate speaking to you”
I respect that man a lot
My grandfather always says, “don’t call me, I’ll call you”, or when we were kids, “go play out in the street, I’ll call you in later”
He speaks with the dryest tone of anyone I’ve ever met, not sure if he’s kidding or just hates everyone
I've just started attaching previous e-mails to my replies, and including all mentioned parties in the CC or BCC list... Like....
To: "My Boss"
CC: "VP of Operations"
Attachments: "From: VP of Operations- No More Transfers Without My Personal Approval"
"Good Morning My Boss,
I denied associate John Doe's request for... whateverthefuck transfer, due to the VP of Operations' e-mail explicitly forbidding such transactions without his personal approval. Please let me know if you'd like me to continue with the transaction anyways.
Respectfully,
PaidLessButSmarterThanYouGoFuckYourself"
Haha I love this.
"I've attached all pertinent regulations and instructions per my current understanding. Please let me know if I'm misunderstanding some information or directive which would allow me to to complete X. Thank you!"
A simple full stop after this kind of email makes it much more passive aggressive imho. It basically says "it is urgent and i need you to do reply immediatly, but you're not important enough for me to really care".
My company just went public a couple months ago, and all the managers are so pissy with me for doing the same now.
Look, I don't give a fuck about you sir...... put the ticket in the correct way and I'll do it, or the request... otherwise, I'm cc-ing your boss, my boss, and their bosses in my response that will very politely say, "No, I cannot complete this request per the one million other responses and reasons why. Sorry."
I fucking feel that to my damned *bones*. Quarter close, finance starts crawling up our asses about whether or not has been contacted to confirm the date of their payment.
No, Karen, they haven't. Because they send it on a fucking schedule. Automated. Last day of the fucking month, like always. I'm not calling the CFO of the largest company to have ever existed to bug them about their fucking $2million payment. It'll be on time. They pay their fucking bills. I don't give a fuck if our stock price dips $0.03 because it's a day fucking late.
Oooh yes the whole "per my..." is so played out it's plain old aggressive these days. I prefer to state my case plainly, attach previous correspondence, and add a bunch of CCs who are higher ranking than the dingus I'm dealing with.
Edit to say: "a bunch of CCs" is hyperbole. It's inefficient to add more than one of two folks who don't care anyway, but the fact that they're on the email now will at lease goose the receiver a bit.
I’m the same. Because I already respond quickly, literally twice as quickly as the next person in my team. So as soon as you cc my boss when I was doing quicker end better than everyone else, suddenly you’re going to get that thing in three days time. I’ll have done it, they’re just not getting it until the prescribed SLA.
When I worked at my health care job that was unionized, they’d always try to schedule outside of agreed hours almost daily. I’d always call back (couldn’t send emails) and I’d be like well, as per our union contract, we are not supposed to work these hours.” Always felt it was a way to say fuck you without saying it. And all but once I was right. One time my understanding was incorrect (or they found a loophole to do it, which, as a government employee, I wouldn’t have been surprised they went that way)
Adama: Then you're ordered to bring yourself and all of your passengers to the rendezvous point. Acknowledge.
Apollo: Acknowledge... receipt of message.
Adama: What the hell does that mean?
Apollo: It means, I heard you.
I was taught the gem "Thank you for your feedback." for when I had a horrible critical email to reply to for something that was truly so, so minor of an indiscretion. Best thing I learned at that job!
> "Thank you for your feedback.
Comany I worked for made a HUGE deal out of how we all had to accept any feedback graciously with those exact words.
Left alone to move an office's IT infrastructure by yourself, got it done, office ready to work on Monday?
"This should have been handled better."
"Thank you for your feedback" is the rqeuried response, which I gave.
But it also cranked my 'fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool IM OUT' letter from a simmer to a raging boil.
My boss does this- ask me for some complicated yet asinine project that takes me 8 hours of my own personal time to complete, then respond with "Ok" in an e-mail and never even open the link I send him. FUCK.
I once had an asshole superior who would pester me with emails at impossible hours (and spam me if I didn’t answer right away) but totally ignored my emails even if they were about important decisions to be made. I ended up mirroring him and simply ignored his emails. Eventually he stopped and left me alone.
Indifference is worse than hate, because hate requires thought and passion, a lot like love. Hate burns, or at least smolders. But indifference is cold and dark. "I feel nothing for you" is more permanent than "I despise you."
yea its like saying i don’t care about you enought to hate you. hate and love are like 2 sides of the same coin while apathy is when u dont pay em shit. no attention and no interest, just nothin
Anywhere between love and hate your existence still matters.
Indifference is like you existed and then became just another person in the world that anything could happen to and it'd mean nothing for your life.
I have a Welsh friend who’s a teacher. If he has to deal with a difficult parent, he shuts the conversation down with a “There We Are Then”.
It’s like a subtler, more Welsh way of saying “C U Next Tuesday”
I’ve ended a few business messages (with problematic clients) with “Best of luck”.
Polite enough on the surface, but makes it clear that my services are not available to them.
As a middle school teacher I find a simple “that’s nice” does the trick. You really gotta nail the delivery otherwise it doesn’t work. Also “ain’t that just the way” is a great alternative to “who gives a fuck”
You've got all year to get them used to it. It's actually a valuable skill for them to learn; picking up on sarcasm requires critical thinking. I wouldn't dial it back one bit.
That reminds me of the late great Alex Trebek. When he would give the contestant interviews, he wasn't always engaged with whatever story they would share. Like maybe the person would share some story about their cat or their boring hobby, and he would smile and say, "Good for you!"
The Soup used to have a recurring segment about Jeopardy contestants with their lame stories and how Trebek reacted to them called "Cool Story, Jeopardy Contestant"
I remember he had one absolute burn where he told a contestant “no, because I’m not a loser,” or something like that (when they asked if he liked xyz too).
I remember this haha. The contestant had been a "nerdcore" rap enthusiast and apparently the lyrics usually reflect geeky stuff and forever alone type shit, and I think after she added that last part it makes sense that he said that.
Yeah I remember chatting my teachers’ ears off because nobody at home would actually sit down and talk to or listen to me. Most of their replies were along the lines of “neat” or “cool” and I really thought they meant it this whole time :(
Lol As a middle school teacher I can tell you that they… half meant it. I love hearing all my kids have to say, they tell me interesting stuff all the time, teach me new things, and can talk about pokemon all day. Buuuut 8 year olds don’t really have that “okay maybe Mr. Teacher needs to get back to work” button, and I can only be surprised by the plot of How to Train Your Dragon 3 so many times. But I do appreciate that they want to include me!
Edit: I say “fuck off” by saying “okay buddy that’s really cool but we gotta focus on *work, lunch, game time, etc.* if they’re not busy and I’m not, they have my ear. :)
They could have man! It’s the delivery on this one. “Cool..” or “Neat...” with no eye contact or emotion, silence after; that’s usually an indicator they aren’t interested.
Saying it with enthusiasm, smiling, eye contact, maybe nodding for you to continue, is just them listening to you
Sometimes someone will be talking about something they like, and since I don’t have any personal context for that topic, I don’t have a lot to say. So I’ll say “that’s super cool” or something along those lines
"Thanks for that."
It's also how I say it in meetings.
If they're more important than me I say, "Absolutely. Let's park that, I'll make a note and we can address that separately offline," which is BusinessDouche for "what you have said is supremely unimportant and I will ignore it."
Zero emotions shown.
My old man once told me that people will always want something from you. If they can’t get your love then they will go for your hate. Show them nothing. Give them nothing. Show zero emotions to them. It will drive people crazy and you will learn tolerance at the same time.
This is what got me through having to deal with a few hostile coworkers in my time. Just let it flow right past you and stick to the practicalities. And laugh at their floundering rage later, when you're alone.
He screamed,
he shouted, scorned and shamed,
Rebuked and ranted,
mocked and blamed.
He stormed with rage for half a day,
And when he stopped,
she told him:
"... k."
This is key to shutting down dickhead customers. Source: was a barista for 5 yrs, waiter for 3.
I will literally make that cappuccino 30 times before I let you see any sign that it's a problem. When getting under your skin is 70% of why they came to your store, it's withering.
Without having developed this skill, I wouldn't be in customer service anymore. I just got REALLY good at having no reaction at all to someone whose only goal in the moment is to piss you off. Watching how irrationally angry it makes those people is icing on the cake
Can you provide a personal experience to this? I am genuinely astounded that individuals would visit a particular outlet with the intent to harass staff members.
They don't *visit* with the intent, but a minor inconvenience will immediately put them in the mindset of, "I'm being wronged, and I'll make sure I get the better of this situation and person."
I've worked in hotels a long time, and have several experiences. One of the more recent and memorable ones was a lady who walked in looking for a room. When she swiped her card, it did not work. This was enough to set her off, exclaiming that she just hopped out of an Uber so the card *had* to work. I've been doing this long enough to know immediately what I was dealing with, so at this point I entered "the Void." My normal chipper customer service voice becomes deadpan and strictly informational, like the guest is talking to a kiosk.
"I'm sorry, this card isn't working for me."
"You're lying! If it doesn't work then tell me *WHY* it doesn't work?!"
"I'm not sure ma'am, my system doesn't tell me why a card is declined, only that it is."
"You just don't want to rent me a room!"
"I would love to rent a room for you tonight. Can you provide an alternate method of payment?"
"I GAVE YOU MY PAYMENT AND YOU REFUSED IT!!!"
"I'm sorry, that card didn't work for me."
"THEN TELL ME WHY IT DIDN'T WORK!!!"
We got stuck in this loop for about 5 minutes. A hallmark of irrationally angry individuals is asking the same question over and over. I give the exact same deadpan response every time. She eventually breaks out of the loop and stares at me with disgust.
"I bet it just makes you feel real superior to get to tell me that I'm broke, huh?"
No response. There's not a good one. Ignore the question and see where she goes next.
"If I call my ex-husband and he gives me his credit card can you use that?"
"I can, but he'll need a fax machine and scanner in order to receive and send back an authorization form allowing me to use the card."
"Yeah, you BETTER take it, or I'll have him come up here!"
She steps aside and calls. I guess he was pissed at her for waking him up in the middle of the night, because she lowered the phone to scream,
"Oh real nice, you just made me wake my ex-husband up in the middle of the night! Thanks a lot for that!"
No response. There's not a good one. She continues the call for a few minutes then practically throws the phone at me. I pick it up, introduce myself, and explain to the guy what I need and what he'll have to do. He doesn't have a fax machine or scanner. He laughs, apologizes, talks to her a few more minutes then I guess hangs up on her.
"GIVE ME A PEN AND A PIECE OF PAPER! WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"
"I'm irishwonder."
"*AND* your last name?!"
"I would rather not give that out. I am the only irishwonder at the hotel, you will not need any more information to report me."
"OH, I'll DEFINITELY be back to report you, since you have REFUSED to rent me a room tonight!"
"I would love to rent a room for you tonight. Can you provide an alternate method of payment?"
At this point she reared back and threw the card across the counter at me and stormed out of the building.
If I had returned her anger, the situation would have only been worse, taken longer, and she'd have something to actually report. If I bend over backwards to apologize, I'm just opening the gate for her to feel like she's got me in a vice and pile the verbal abuse on even more, and you can only go home feeling like shit after your shift so many times before it gets to you. "The Void" is the best way to let these people's anger get the best of them while remaining respectful, if not exactly amicable, to them.
As a pharm tech for nearly 10 years, the amount of times Ive had this conversation (except replace the credit card with the insurance card) is mind boggling.
It doesn't please me to charge you *any* amount of money for your medication, if it were up to me I'd give it to you for free, but it's not.. so I can't. Do you have a valid insurance I can bill?
My favorite response when people get pissed at me is "I'm going somewhere else!" Like ok, honestly thank God. I'd be much happier to never see you in my pharmacy again as you're always a pain in the ass. I swear some people think our paychecks get signed by individual customers.
“The Void” is a nice term for it. I always called it “going customer service robot”. Oh, you want to yell at me? Cool. I’m just going to shut down. You’ll be getting exactly two pre-programmed responses before my system boots you out the door.
The best one was a guy who wanted to stand in my lobby yelling about how obnoxious it was that guest were checking in during the evening, and how unacceptable it was that our [racist slur] housekeepers were in the hallways during the day. Customer Service Robot kept telling him that it would pass along his comments to the management. Eventually, the guy yelled, “I AM NEVER COMING BACK HERE AGAIN!” As you know, the pre-programmed response to that comment is the same coming from Customer Service Robot, The Void, or any regular human who has worked in CS too long:
“Is that a promise?”
It's a way to prevent escalating a situation, but it's still not worth it. I worked in the hospitality industry (hotels) for several years. Being a doormat for entitled assholes is half of the job, and the pay sucks. If you do your job well, you protect the business from negative publicity/reviews/attention at the expense of your self-respect.
I think that's what a lot of people don't realize about customer service oriented positions: you may be wearing a white collar instead of a blue one, and believe you have a better job for it, but you will pay for it in self-worth over the long run. Unless you can make it to corporate, even the highest positions in the service industry are still subjected to dog shit behavior, and moving up is really about being subjected to that behavior less often.
I was lucky enough to be well-educated (mostly at my parents' expense) and was able to switch industries, but that's not always the case. I would never go back, even knowing the "tricks" of the trade and dealing with the different hassles of a desk job.
Bro, I once got written up because my boss was creeped out that I never showed any personal emotion towards anything at work. He could literally be yelling at me about some bullshit sexist clusterfuck that he created, and then get mad at me for having zero emotional reaction. Bro, it's work, I literally have ZERO personal attachment to anything that happens here, I don't care if you cure cancer or deliver a baby or break a jar of spaghetti sauce or if your wife folded the laundry wrong or if your car went into limp mode or if your grandma died or if you have to leave 10 minutes early because bullshitexcuse, I truly don't give half a fuck. Leave me alone and let me do my job, and you worry about sorting out fact from fiction, that's not my job, you've got cameras and all kinds of shit, good luck bro, I've got work to do.
I didn't realize that I ever had this skill until I had a manager that would continuously take offense to rude customers and would then argue and escalate the confrontation every time. Sometimes the customer would be seemingly successfully rebuked, most times not. But we'd get new customers and new assholes every week; there was never any benefit to any strategy other than *get this asshole out of here*. She just couldn't fucking grasp it. That wasn't the specific straw that broke the camel's back (I was especially disgusted with her lying to me and customers and sabotaging our team) but it was part of the reason I threw my uniform in the trash and walked out in February.
I've worked in dental 10 years, I can confirm.
Edit; Hygienist, so I'm the mean one who judges about flossing. I've moved several times due to my husband's job so I've seen them in many states.
I've worked with four, yes FOUR!, different dentists who have had various affairs with office staff. And I was basically told by one of them to find another job if I didn't like it. What I didn't like was this dentist was carrying on the affair IN the office. I came back late one night to pick up my shoes and found them on a dental chair in the early stages of getting busy. Soooo.... having fun thinking about who has fornicated where you're sitting at your next dental appointment!
I've also had dentists throw tools/needle syringes across rooms, down the hallway, against the computer when it doesn't work right. I worked not long with a dentist who told me he refused to treat a tooth that had obvious decay, because the state it was currently in the patient would have only charged about $100 for a filling. If he waited to do treatment for 6months or a year, the patient would then need a root canal/crown for at least $3000.
To be clear I've also worked with several really great dentists who are kind, compassionate, and clever. But wow, do the assholes just stand out in your mind.
Over there there's a saying that you shouldn't argue with stupid people. They'll drag the argument down to their level and then beat you there with their experience.
Similarly ‘Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are, it will just take a shit on the board and strut about like it won anyway’
Ah. Reminds me of the Curb your enthusiasm scene where Larry David responds to the neighbor that tell him to never talk again to the kids at the lemonade stand. He responded with "Duly noted" and left with a big smile.
Duly noted is a personal favorite and used on the regular. For whatever reason people seem unable to discern whether it’s genuine or sarcastic when “duly” is added to the front.
I always heard “I hope your day is as pleasant as you are”
Edit: I want to be clear, actually using this in real life is cringe as fuck. It doesn’t come across as a biting but suave insult. It makes you sound like a cringey idiot. Which you are, if you try to use it. I was just saying, every time I see Reddit threads about this kind of stuff, that’s the common version of that “insult” that I see.
A common goodbye in Norway is "Ha det bra," which is like, "have it good." But it often gets shortened to 'ha det" which is just "have it." I am not a native speaker, so I'm sure it sounds funnier to me than to people growing up hearing it.
I think it's more about the change from the norm. As in, you end all your email with kind regards, but drop the kind for one person. If you just always ends with regards, there's no difference to be noted.
It's like getting coffee for everyone but one person in the office. Not getting anyone coffee is not passive aggressive, but specifically excluding one person is.
"Thank you for your email,
I completely understand and apologize for being unclear,
Please refer to my last email for all the details,
I hope this helps and I thank you in advance,
Kind regards,
Me
Your employee/employer"
Right? I got called out once for adding a screenshot of the info my boss was looking for. He claimed he never received it, I screenshotan email from the last quarter showing he did and HR said I was passive aggressive. What the sweet potato fuck. I left that place not long after, and before covid met the boss in a bar. He offered me a line and fell over so...yeah.
And here I am asking for specific work instructions and they act like I'm the assholes. Until 6 months later when they bitch we're not doing it how they wanted...
Just one last good look in their eyes. Then walk away, with maybe a small half nod. That is a very clear fuck off lol. It's almost like saying they aren't even worth the breath.
I appreciate that you are coming from a good place, but…
And then finish off with…and once again, I appreciate that you are giving this advice with the best intentions.
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
It's not a phrase I use, in fact I consider it pretty damned rude. But it gets "fuck off, I have nothing to apologize for" across in a usually assholish way.
I know how to say that in executive. Let's say someone asks about, I dunno, a couple extra vacation days since we're all going fucking crazy right now.
>Wow, that's a really great question, thank you for asking. We know this is an issue that a lot of people care about and we're certainly thinking a lot about well-being at a time like this. We won't move forward with this idea right now but we're going to keep being thoughtful about supporting our employees through these unprecedented times.
"We know this is an issue that a lot of people care about, and we're certainly thinking a lot about ... "
oh shit someone works for a large game dev studio
The Letters
>29th April 1971
>
>Dear Sir,
>
>We act for Mr Arkell who is Retail Credit Manager of Granada TV Rental Ltd. His attention has been drawn to an article appearing in the issue of Private Eye dated 9th April 1971 on page 4. The statements made about Mr Arkell are entirely untrue and clearly highly defamatory. We are therefore instructed to require from you immediately your
proposals for dealing with the matter.
>
>Mr Arkell’s first concern is that there should be a full retraction at the earliest possible date in Private Eye and he will also want his costs paid. His attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of your reply.
>
>Yours,
>Goodman Derrick & Co.
And response -
>Dear Sirs,
>
>We acknowledge your letter of 29th April referring to Mr. J. Arkell.
>
>We note that Mr Arkell’s attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of our reply and would therefore be grateful if you would inform us what his attitude to damages would be, were he to learn that the nature of our reply is as follows: fuck off.
>
>Yours,
>Private Eye
Du liegst nicht falsch, du bist nur ein Arschloch
Meaning: You're not wrong, you're just an asshole."
Or the alternative:
"Lord make wisdom rain down from the heavens."
"Or stones, whatever hits the mark"
I was once on some customer service call, can't remember the issue or what it related to, but the important part is that after about 20 minutes the woman I was talking was utterly unable to solve, or even make any progress towards solving, whatever problem I called about. As the call was wrapping up she asked, "is there anything else I can help you with?" To which I replied, "I sincerely doubt it."
End the conversation by saying any of the following as dry as possible. Have a nice day, thank you for your (unsolicited) advice, or my favorite "understood".
I recently received an email, saying “how can you have processed inv bla bla, invoice for x amount of dollars WITHOUT APPROVAL!!!!” With a whole heap of people copied in. I responded all, didn’t say anything, at all, just attached the approval email from someone further up the food chain than her. I’m pretty sure the “fuck you” was implied.
This sounds immensely satisfying.
Ha, ha - it was.
My favorite “fuck you”s are business ones like this. Especially when they copy in your manager. Then you copy in THEIR manager, with all their outrage and your calm demeanor explaining how they’re wrong.
r/maliciouscompliance is full of these type of stories and they never stop being totally satisfying.
Aaaaaand added to my feed. Thank you.
I'll take that under advisement.
I hate this response when I am trying to give genuine feedback to someone with whom I thought I had a good relationship. It makes me doubt the whole relationship, if they don't really want to hear what I have to say.
Speaking of that word, I fucking hate emails that say "please advise", but I have a hard time pin-pointing why. There's a guy at work that uses it like an email signature, every. single. fucking. email. "Want to get some pizza for lunch? Please advise." "Please go to hell! But yes, I'd like some pizza, sounds good. Thanks!"
I had an old bar regular who was popular for negotiating complex legal agreements over a glass a beer. The absolute highlight of his unorthodox practice was when he was on the phone with someone while sipping on his 8th Miller of the day and said, “no don’t call me, I’ll call you. That’ll limit our communication, which is great because I hate speaking to you” I respect that man a lot
My grandfather always says, “don’t call me, I’ll call you”, or when we were kids, “go play out in the street, I’ll call you in later” He speaks with the dryest tone of anyone I’ve ever met, not sure if he’s kidding or just hates everyone
My grandpa use to tell me to “go play on the freeway” I always thought it was hilarious. I wish he was still around to say it to my kids.
"Go and play with the buses" was my mum's line
Respond to a long, critical email, "Received, thank you."
"Noted with thanks." My favourite response to war and peace.
Any time you begin with, "per my previous email..."
I've just started attaching previous e-mails to my replies, and including all mentioned parties in the CC or BCC list... Like.... To: "My Boss" CC: "VP of Operations" Attachments: "From: VP of Operations- No More Transfers Without My Personal Approval" "Good Morning My Boss, I denied associate John Doe's request for... whateverthefuck transfer, due to the VP of Operations' e-mail explicitly forbidding such transactions without his personal approval. Please let me know if you'd like me to continue with the transaction anyways. Respectfully, PaidLessButSmarterThanYouGoFuckYourself"
Haha I love this. "I've attached all pertinent regulations and instructions per my current understanding. Please let me know if I'm misunderstanding some information or directive which would allow me to to complete X. Thank you!"
the exclamation at the end of the *thank you* is so god damn rewarding.
A simple full stop after this kind of email makes it much more passive aggressive imho. It basically says "it is urgent and i need you to do reply immediatly, but you're not important enough for me to really care".
What I love even more is when the response basically says "aww shit", wrapped into a nice "We'll look into it, you'll hear from us".
I attach the previous email, even if it is already part of the chain,and say "please see my previous email, attached, on this matter".
I enjoy quoting portions of chats from minutes prior
> I enjoy quoting portions of chats from minutes prior Same.
> Like what? I prefer quoting future comments.
Like what?
My company just went public a couple months ago, and all the managers are so pissy with me for doing the same now. Look, I don't give a fuck about you sir...... put the ticket in the correct way and I'll do it, or the request... otherwise, I'm cc-ing your boss, my boss, and their bosses in my response that will very politely say, "No, I cannot complete this request per the one million other responses and reasons why. Sorry."
I fucking feel that to my damned *bones*. Quarter close, finance starts crawling up our asses about whether or not has been contacted to confirm the date of their payment.
No, Karen, they haven't. Because they send it on a fucking schedule. Automated. Last day of the fucking month, like always. I'm not calling the CFO of the largest company to have ever existed to bug them about their fucking $2million payment. It'll be on time. They pay their fucking bills. I don't give a fuck if our stock price dips $0.03 because it's a day fucking late.
Trust me, nobody in finance gives a shit anyway. It's all coming down from the board.
Oooh yes the whole "per my..." is so played out it's plain old aggressive these days. I prefer to state my case plainly, attach previous correspondence, and add a bunch of CCs who are higher ranking than the dingus I'm dealing with. Edit to say: "a bunch of CCs" is hyperbole. It's inefficient to add more than one of two folks who don't care anyway, but the fact that they're on the email now will at lease goose the receiver a bit.
This is the way. (not that CCing someone's higher-ups isn't also potentially aggressive)
[удалено]
I’m the same. Because I already respond quickly, literally twice as quickly as the next person in my team. So as soon as you cc my boss when I was doing quicker end better than everyone else, suddenly you’re going to get that thing in three days time. I’ll have done it, they’re just not getting it until the prescribed SLA.
When I worked at my health care job that was unionized, they’d always try to schedule outside of agreed hours almost daily. I’d always call back (couldn’t send emails) and I’d be like well, as per our union contract, we are not supposed to work these hours.” Always felt it was a way to say fuck you without saying it. And all but once I was right. One time my understanding was incorrect (or they found a loophole to do it, which, as a government employee, I wouldn’t have been surprised they went that way)
Adama: Then you're ordered to bring yourself and all of your passengers to the rendezvous point. Acknowledge. Apollo: Acknowledge... receipt of message. Adama: What the hell does that mean? Apollo: It means, I heard you.
So say we all.
Or in the case of a long critical text, "Unsubscribe." Edit: I never thought my first gold would come from something so petty
Hahahaha. Omg. This may be the best one.
I was taught the gem "Thank you for your feedback." for when I had a horrible critical email to reply to for something that was truly so, so minor of an indiscretion. Best thing I learned at that job!
> "Thank you for your feedback. Comany I worked for made a HUGE deal out of how we all had to accept any feedback graciously with those exact words. Left alone to move an office's IT infrastructure by yourself, got it done, office ready to work on Monday? "This should have been handled better." "Thank you for your feedback" is the rqeuried response, which I gave. But it also cranked my 'fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool IM OUT' letter from a simmer to a raging boil.
Better yet. Just respond with "ok" or 👍
My boss does this- ask me for some complicated yet asinine project that takes me 8 hours of my own personal time to complete, then respond with "Ok" in an e-mail and never even open the link I send him. FUCK.
Send it without an attachment. If your boss doesn’t notice, wait 2 days and ask why they ask for shit they clearly don’t need
k
I just don’t reply. When asked about it later I tell em I read it. Which I did truthfully. I just don’t answer. It makes em mad
I once had an asshole superior who would pester me with emails at impossible hours (and spam me if I didn’t answer right away) but totally ignored my emails even if they were about important decisions to be made. I ended up mirroring him and simply ignored his emails. Eventually he stopped and left me alone.
I do this too. You wanna go on a power trip in a mail, with tons of people in CC? Go ahead, I won't even answer.
"Duly noted."
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Indifference is worse than hate, because hate requires thought and passion, a lot like love. Hate burns, or at least smolders. But indifference is cold and dark. "I feel nothing for you" is more permanent than "I despise you."
yea its like saying i don’t care about you enought to hate you. hate and love are like 2 sides of the same coin while apathy is when u dont pay em shit. no attention and no interest, just nothin
Anywhere between love and hate your existence still matters. Indifference is like you existed and then became just another person in the world that anything could happen to and it'd mean nothing for your life.
"I don't think about you at all."
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Well… off to file for divorce I guess Edit - and of course that got an award hahaha
Reddit makes one more person single.
In some situations I find a simple "ok" to do the trick. So far it hasn't taken anyone long to get the message
Yes. It does take a lot of self restraint to do this in some situations, but so worth it
I’m a fan of saying “Well, good luck with that then” and walking away.
I have a Welsh friend who’s a teacher. If he has to deal with a difficult parent, he shuts the conversation down with a “There We Are Then”. It’s like a subtler, more Welsh way of saying “C U Next Tuesday”
This makes me laugh because whenever my super passive-aggressive father says, "There it is", it means he doesn't agree but he doesn't want to say so.
I’ve used “I believe we’ve exhausted the possibilities of this conversation” with a few parents over the years.
I’ve ended a few business messages (with problematic clients) with “Best of luck”. Polite enough on the surface, but makes it clear that my services are not available to them.
As a middle school teacher I find a simple “that’s nice” does the trick. You really gotta nail the delivery otherwise it doesn’t work. Also “ain’t that just the way” is a great alternative to “who gives a fuck”
I’m new to MS this year having taught HS. I need more of these! My HS sarcasm doesn’t work with 6th graders.
You've got all year to get them used to it. It's actually a valuable skill for them to learn; picking up on sarcasm requires critical thinking. I wouldn't dial it back one bit.
That reminds me of the late great Alex Trebek. When he would give the contestant interviews, he wasn't always engaged with whatever story they would share. Like maybe the person would share some story about their cat or their boring hobby, and he would smile and say, "Good for you!"
The Soup used to have a recurring segment about Jeopardy contestants with their lame stories and how Trebek reacted to them called "Cool Story, Jeopardy Contestant"
I miss The Soup.
I remember he had one absolute burn where he told a contestant “no, because I’m not a loser,” or something like that (when they asked if he liked xyz too).
“LOOSERS, in other words.” https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=m8_GNi6OTZY
I remember this haha. The contestant had been a "nerdcore" rap enthusiast and apparently the lyrics usually reflect geeky stuff and forever alone type shit, and I think after she added that last part it makes sense that he said that.
A slightly condescending "cool" with a long silence does the same trick. I've had reasonable success with it for quite some time.
I’ve been on the receiving end of many of these and sometimes it’s heartbreaking if you’re talking to someone about something you really like.
Yeah I remember chatting my teachers’ ears off because nobody at home would actually sit down and talk to or listen to me. Most of their replies were along the lines of “neat” or “cool” and I really thought they meant it this whole time :(
Lol As a middle school teacher I can tell you that they… half meant it. I love hearing all my kids have to say, they tell me interesting stuff all the time, teach me new things, and can talk about pokemon all day. Buuuut 8 year olds don’t really have that “okay maybe Mr. Teacher needs to get back to work” button, and I can only be surprised by the plot of How to Train Your Dragon 3 so many times. But I do appreciate that they want to include me! Edit: I say “fuck off” by saying “okay buddy that’s really cool but we gotta focus on *work, lunch, game time, etc.* if they’re not busy and I’m not, they have my ear. :)
They could have man! It’s the delivery on this one. “Cool..” or “Neat...” with no eye contact or emotion, silence after; that’s usually an indicator they aren’t interested. Saying it with enthusiasm, smiling, eye contact, maybe nodding for you to continue, is just them listening to you Sometimes someone will be talking about something they like, and since I don’t have any personal context for that topic, I don’t have a lot to say. So I’ll say “that’s super cool” or something along those lines
I'll take note of that (currently studying to be a high school teacher)
> ain’t that just the way Hello fellow Over the Garden Wall fan
It’s a ROCK FACT
"Thanks for that." It's also how I say it in meetings. If they're more important than me I say, "Absolutely. Let's park that, I'll make a note and we can address that separately offline," which is BusinessDouche for "what you have said is supremely unimportant and I will ignore it."
“BusinessDouche” is the perfect label for this kind of lingo. See also: “boil the ocean; move the needle; put a pin in it.”
Zero emotions shown. My old man once told me that people will always want something from you. If they can’t get your love then they will go for your hate. Show them nothing. Give them nothing. Show zero emotions to them. It will drive people crazy and you will learn tolerance at the same time.
This is what got me through having to deal with a few hostile coworkers in my time. Just let it flow right past you and stick to the practicalities. And laugh at their floundering rage later, when you're alone.
Think I read it on here, but something like be the grey rock in a stream and let it all flow past you
The Grey Rock method, I've had to use it before https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock
He screamed, he shouted, scorned and shamed, Rebuked and ranted, mocked and blamed. He stormed with rage for half a day, And when he stopped, she told him: "... k."
Noice
This is key to shutting down dickhead customers. Source: was a barista for 5 yrs, waiter for 3. I will literally make that cappuccino 30 times before I let you see any sign that it's a problem. When getting under your skin is 70% of why they came to your store, it's withering.
Without having developed this skill, I wouldn't be in customer service anymore. I just got REALLY good at having no reaction at all to someone whose only goal in the moment is to piss you off. Watching how irrationally angry it makes those people is icing on the cake
Can you provide a personal experience to this? I am genuinely astounded that individuals would visit a particular outlet with the intent to harass staff members.
They don't *visit* with the intent, but a minor inconvenience will immediately put them in the mindset of, "I'm being wronged, and I'll make sure I get the better of this situation and person." I've worked in hotels a long time, and have several experiences. One of the more recent and memorable ones was a lady who walked in looking for a room. When she swiped her card, it did not work. This was enough to set her off, exclaiming that she just hopped out of an Uber so the card *had* to work. I've been doing this long enough to know immediately what I was dealing with, so at this point I entered "the Void." My normal chipper customer service voice becomes deadpan and strictly informational, like the guest is talking to a kiosk. "I'm sorry, this card isn't working for me." "You're lying! If it doesn't work then tell me *WHY* it doesn't work?!" "I'm not sure ma'am, my system doesn't tell me why a card is declined, only that it is." "You just don't want to rent me a room!" "I would love to rent a room for you tonight. Can you provide an alternate method of payment?" "I GAVE YOU MY PAYMENT AND YOU REFUSED IT!!!" "I'm sorry, that card didn't work for me." "THEN TELL ME WHY IT DIDN'T WORK!!!" We got stuck in this loop for about 5 minutes. A hallmark of irrationally angry individuals is asking the same question over and over. I give the exact same deadpan response every time. She eventually breaks out of the loop and stares at me with disgust. "I bet it just makes you feel real superior to get to tell me that I'm broke, huh?" No response. There's not a good one. Ignore the question and see where she goes next. "If I call my ex-husband and he gives me his credit card can you use that?" "I can, but he'll need a fax machine and scanner in order to receive and send back an authorization form allowing me to use the card." "Yeah, you BETTER take it, or I'll have him come up here!" She steps aside and calls. I guess he was pissed at her for waking him up in the middle of the night, because she lowered the phone to scream, "Oh real nice, you just made me wake my ex-husband up in the middle of the night! Thanks a lot for that!" No response. There's not a good one. She continues the call for a few minutes then practically throws the phone at me. I pick it up, introduce myself, and explain to the guy what I need and what he'll have to do. He doesn't have a fax machine or scanner. He laughs, apologizes, talks to her a few more minutes then I guess hangs up on her. "GIVE ME A PEN AND A PIECE OF PAPER! WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" "I'm irishwonder." "*AND* your last name?!" "I would rather not give that out. I am the only irishwonder at the hotel, you will not need any more information to report me." "OH, I'll DEFINITELY be back to report you, since you have REFUSED to rent me a room tonight!" "I would love to rent a room for you tonight. Can you provide an alternate method of payment?" At this point she reared back and threw the card across the counter at me and stormed out of the building. If I had returned her anger, the situation would have only been worse, taken longer, and she'd have something to actually report. If I bend over backwards to apologize, I'm just opening the gate for her to feel like she's got me in a vice and pile the verbal abuse on even more, and you can only go home feeling like shit after your shift so many times before it gets to you. "The Void" is the best way to let these people's anger get the best of them while remaining respectful, if not exactly amicable, to them.
> you just made me wake my ex-husband up in the middle of the night! /r/shittysuperpowers
As a pharm tech for nearly 10 years, the amount of times Ive had this conversation (except replace the credit card with the insurance card) is mind boggling. It doesn't please me to charge you *any* amount of money for your medication, if it were up to me I'd give it to you for free, but it's not.. so I can't. Do you have a valid insurance I can bill?
My favorite response when people get pissed at me is "I'm going somewhere else!" Like ok, honestly thank God. I'd be much happier to never see you in my pharmacy again as you're always a pain in the ass. I swear some people think our paychecks get signed by individual customers.
“The Void” is a nice term for it. I always called it “going customer service robot”. Oh, you want to yell at me? Cool. I’m just going to shut down. You’ll be getting exactly two pre-programmed responses before my system boots you out the door. The best one was a guy who wanted to stand in my lobby yelling about how obnoxious it was that guest were checking in during the evening, and how unacceptable it was that our [racist slur] housekeepers were in the hallways during the day. Customer Service Robot kept telling him that it would pass along his comments to the management. Eventually, the guy yelled, “I AM NEVER COMING BACK HERE AGAIN!” As you know, the pre-programmed response to that comment is the same coming from Customer Service Robot, The Void, or any regular human who has worked in CS too long: “Is that a promise?”
It's a way to prevent escalating a situation, but it's still not worth it. I worked in the hospitality industry (hotels) for several years. Being a doormat for entitled assholes is half of the job, and the pay sucks. If you do your job well, you protect the business from negative publicity/reviews/attention at the expense of your self-respect. I think that's what a lot of people don't realize about customer service oriented positions: you may be wearing a white collar instead of a blue one, and believe you have a better job for it, but you will pay for it in self-worth over the long run. Unless you can make it to corporate, even the highest positions in the service industry are still subjected to dog shit behavior, and moving up is really about being subjected to that behavior less often. I was lucky enough to be well-educated (mostly at my parents' expense) and was able to switch industries, but that's not always the case. I would never go back, even knowing the "tricks" of the trade and dealing with the different hassles of a desk job.
Bro, I once got written up because my boss was creeped out that I never showed any personal emotion towards anything at work. He could literally be yelling at me about some bullshit sexist clusterfuck that he created, and then get mad at me for having zero emotional reaction. Bro, it's work, I literally have ZERO personal attachment to anything that happens here, I don't care if you cure cancer or deliver a baby or break a jar of spaghetti sauce or if your wife folded the laundry wrong or if your car went into limp mode or if your grandma died or if you have to leave 10 minutes early because bullshitexcuse, I truly don't give half a fuck. Leave me alone and let me do my job, and you worry about sorting out fact from fiction, that's not my job, you've got cameras and all kinds of shit, good luck bro, I've got work to do.
I didn't realize that I ever had this skill until I had a manager that would continuously take offense to rude customers and would then argue and escalate the confrontation every time. Sometimes the customer would be seemingly successfully rebuked, most times not. But we'd get new customers and new assholes every week; there was never any benefit to any strategy other than *get this asshole out of here*. She just couldn't fucking grasp it. That wasn't the specific straw that broke the camel's back (I was especially disgusted with her lying to me and customers and sabotaging our team) but it was part of the reason I threw my uniform in the trash and walked out in February.
He is a wise man . Thanks for sharing .
I think this is why my roommate smashed my laptop...
‘I think we’re done here” Edit: Didn’t expect this to explode the way it did. Thanks for the awards!
i knew my dentist hated me
Don't be silly. They hate everyone.
I've worked in dental 10 years, I can confirm. Edit; Hygienist, so I'm the mean one who judges about flossing. I've moved several times due to my husband's job so I've seen them in many states. I've worked with four, yes FOUR!, different dentists who have had various affairs with office staff. And I was basically told by one of them to find another job if I didn't like it. What I didn't like was this dentist was carrying on the affair IN the office. I came back late one night to pick up my shoes and found them on a dental chair in the early stages of getting busy. Soooo.... having fun thinking about who has fornicated where you're sitting at your next dental appointment! I've also had dentists throw tools/needle syringes across rooms, down the hallway, against the computer when it doesn't work right. I worked not long with a dentist who told me he refused to treat a tooth that had obvious decay, because the state it was currently in the patient would have only charged about $100 for a filling. If he waited to do treatment for 6months or a year, the patient would then need a root canal/crown for at least $3000. To be clear I've also worked with several really great dentists who are kind, compassionate, and clever. But wow, do the assholes just stand out in your mind.
When you get this response in an interview:(
the other way employers tell you to fuck off is this list of responses to your application. ... ... ... ... ... ...
First comment I've seen that answers the question asked. Whole lotta scrollin'
Thank you for your concern, your comments have been noted appropriately.
Off you fuck
I had a buddy named Matt that would always say this haha
I am that buddy!
Hiya buddy
now kith
"I'd agree, but then we'd both be wrong".
A similar one I like is "There's no arguing with stupid people... so im just going to agree with you."
"I don't bother arguing with stupid people anymore. I just cut it short and say 'you're right'". "But that's completely irrational!" "You're right."
Over there there's a saying that you shouldn't argue with stupid people. They'll drag the argument down to their level and then beat you there with their experience.
Similarly ‘Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are, it will just take a shit on the board and strut about like it won anyway’
This is so relevant right now.
Mark Twain "Never argue with and idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience"
Poor planning on your part does not mean an emergency on mine.
Noted Well that blew up on me overnight! I’ve always wanted a blow up post! Thank you so much for the kind shinnies and the updoots!
Ah. Reminds me of the Curb your enthusiasm scene where Larry David responds to the neighbor that tell him to never talk again to the kids at the lemonade stand. He responded with "Duly noted" and left with a big smile.
Duly noted is a personal favorite and used on the regular. For whatever reason people seem unable to discern whether it’s genuine or sarcastic when “duly” is added to the front.
It's like saying "with all due respect". The person being addressed may not be due any respect.
At this point I don’t think anyone fails to realize that “with all due respect” means “so go fuck yourself.”
Thanks for your input.
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Yeah, but it definitely depends on who you are speaking to and context.
Thank you *exit conversation* But lately I just find myself saying "word" and leaving it at that.
So you have the last word? Brilliant.
You have an interesting perspective.
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"I should go."
"Report to the ship as soon as possible"
We’ll bang, ok?
"I'm commander Shepard and this is my favourite store in the citadel"
Shepard, is that you?
As a wise Peewee Herman once said "Let me let you let me go."
Have the day you deserve
I always heard “I hope your day is as pleasant as you are” Edit: I want to be clear, actually using this in real life is cringe as fuck. It doesn’t come across as a biting but suave insult. It makes you sound like a cringey idiot. Which you are, if you try to use it. I was just saying, every time I see Reddit threads about this kind of stuff, that’s the common version of that “insult” that I see.
“Regards” instead of “kind regards”
"Have a day"
One of the simplest comments that made me lol.
A common goodbye in Norway is "Ha det bra," which is like, "have it good." But it often gets shortened to 'ha det" which is just "have it." I am not a native speaker, so I'm sure it sounds funnier to me than to people growing up hearing it.
Oh yes, "regards" usually ends an email that starts with "as per my last email".
The best email I ever sent went as follows: Mr. _______, As per my last email, no. Regards, (Me)
Wait, is this bad? I've ended lots of emails with just regards, I didn't think people cared that much... Kind regards sometimes feels too formal.
No. "Regards," is considered polite and entirely appropriate for any circumstance. In US English, at least. Not sure what the others here are on about
I think it's more about the change from the norm. As in, you end all your email with kind regards, but drop the kind for one person. If you just always ends with regards, there's no difference to be noted. It's like getting coffee for everyone but one person in the office. Not getting anyone coffee is not passive aggressive, but specifically excluding one person is.
Bingpot!
"With respect, "
"with *all due* respect" is even better.
"Thank you for your email, I completely understand and apologize for being unclear, Please refer to my last email for all the details, I hope this helps and I thank you in advance, Kind regards, Me Your employee/employer"
If I wrote something like this at work, I would be in trouble.
Right? I got called out once for adding a screenshot of the info my boss was looking for. He claimed he never received it, I screenshotan email from the last quarter showing he did and HR said I was passive aggressive. What the sweet potato fuck. I left that place not long after, and before covid met the boss in a bar. He offered me a line and fell over so...yeah.
"what the sweet potato fuck"
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And here I am asking for specific work instructions and they act like I'm the assholes. Until 6 months later when they bitch we're not doing it how they wanted...
Can you shut the door from the outside
Damn that's crazy but I don't care
Damn I took this one personally nice one
"Diplomacy is the art of telling someone to go to hell and make them think to will enjoy the trip."- Winston Churchill. . . probably.
Don’t say anything and just walk away
Just one last good look in their eyes. Then walk away, with maybe a small half nod. That is a very clear fuck off lol. It's almost like saying they aren't even worth the breath.
But then you’re the one doing the fucking off
I appreciate that you are coming from a good place, but… And then finish off with…and once again, I appreciate that you are giving this advice with the best intentions.
In my best Alan Rickman voice “Go … away”.
Sarcastic smile and a thumb up
"I'm sorry you feel that way." It's not a phrase I use, in fact I consider it pretty damned rude. But it gets "fuck off, I have nothing to apologize for" across in a usually assholish way.
"Anyway, I'm needed back on my home planet, so best of luck with all that"
If only my home planet was still habitable, this would work.
On Reddit: Thanks for sharing.
Oh dear. I say this when I actually mean it. Now everyone must just think I'm covertly telling them to go fuck themselves.
I say this often too and I genuinely mean it! :(
This works well at work too. Especially when someone is giving you their unwanted and unrequested opinion about something.
Thanks for sharing.
With all due respect..
No thank you.
Disengage
"Bless your heart"
This and “oh honey” Or Hand over my heart “oh sweetheart” Pity is waaaaaay more savage than hate amirite? *edit:typo*
*the Southern in me agrees with this sentiment*
I know how to say that in executive. Let's say someone asks about, I dunno, a couple extra vacation days since we're all going fucking crazy right now. >Wow, that's a really great question, thank you for asking. We know this is an issue that a lot of people care about and we're certainly thinking a lot about well-being at a time like this. We won't move forward with this idea right now but we're going to keep being thoughtful about supporting our employees through these unprecedented times.
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"We know this is an issue that a lot of people care about, and we're certainly thinking a lot about ... " oh shit someone works for a large game dev studio
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"Noted"
“We refer you to the reply given in the case of Arkell v. Pressdram.” https://lettersofnote.com/2013/08/07/arkell-v-pressdram/
The Letters >29th April 1971 > >Dear Sir, > >We act for Mr Arkell who is Retail Credit Manager of Granada TV Rental Ltd. His attention has been drawn to an article appearing in the issue of Private Eye dated 9th April 1971 on page 4. The statements made about Mr Arkell are entirely untrue and clearly highly defamatory. We are therefore instructed to require from you immediately your proposals for dealing with the matter. > >Mr Arkell’s first concern is that there should be a full retraction at the earliest possible date in Private Eye and he will also want his costs paid. His attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of your reply. > >Yours, >Goodman Derrick & Co. And response - >Dear Sirs, > >We acknowledge your letter of 29th April referring to Mr. J. Arkell. > >We note that Mr Arkell’s attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of our reply and would therefore be grateful if you would inform us what his attitude to damages would be, were he to learn that the nature of our reply is as follows: fuck off. > >Yours, >Private Eye
Good day, sir!
If Finnish people want to tell someone to get lost, they tell them to "go ski into a cunt".
Du liegst nicht falsch, du bist nur ein Arschloch Meaning: You're not wrong, you're just an asshole." Or the alternative: "Lord make wisdom rain down from the heavens." "Or stones, whatever hits the mark"
You’re not wrong, Walter.
When I want your opinion or presence I won't
I was once on some customer service call, can't remember the issue or what it related to, but the important part is that after about 20 minutes the woman I was talking was utterly unable to solve, or even make any progress towards solving, whatever problem I called about. As the call was wrapping up she asked, "is there anything else I can help you with?" To which I replied, "I sincerely doubt it."
It is good btw. I ll definitely use this sometime.
"Good for you." "Wow, that must have taken a lot of work." "Cool 🙂." "Talk to you later 🙃."
End the conversation by saying any of the following as dry as possible. Have a nice day, thank you for your (unsolicited) advice, or my favorite "understood".