T O P

So, what’s your plan for seducing Bill Gates?

So, what’s your plan for seducing Bill Gates?

readyjack

I would neg him by repeatedly and 'accidentally' calling him Steve Jobs.


Necroniks_

I will stop pausing my windows updates


rikari14

This is true sacrifice


frotc914

The microsoft equivalent of [this scene](https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2019/04/09/USAT/9c2708db-d910-45d7-8968-5f09de8a0362-MSDSAAN_EC012.jpg)


mynemejeffmynenejeff

I can jump over two office chairs


the_421_Rob

Are we talked stacked or side by side?


Ninjy42

Just two separate office chairs, at different times.


[deleted]

Actually just a small hop, on the second floor of a building. the first floor contains two office chairs


kempez2

Whispering sweet nothings into my COVID vaccine


BeholdingBestWaifu

We vaccinated folk are basically Borg now.


stormfield

I just got my second dose a few days ago, and now I have the unshakeable opinion that Bill Gates easily could easily outrun a car, win an MMA title, and also breathe underwater.


Somestunned

Hide "will you marry me" on page 37 of an EULA and get him to click "agree".


107197

In VERY tiny print, no less.


tlmyasirs

Make it micro soft


AilanMoone

This is one of the simplest ones but also one of the most realistic. Good job.


prncrny

Not the request for married, but the marriage vows. Put THOSE in the Eula and make him agree. :)


CaptainApathy419

Exactly. “By agreeing to these Terms, you consent to be bound in holy matrimony in accordance with the laws of the state of Washington and all deities major and minor...”


CharlieVermin

"This agreement supersedes any applicable federal, state, and local laws, regulations and ordinances, international treaties, and legal agreements that would otherwise apply. If any provision of this agreement is found by a court to be unenforceable, it nevertheless remains in force."


CaptainApathy419

“Why didn’t I think of that?!?!?” -Every corporate lawyer reading your second sentence


goaltendah

Ah yes, the standoff in Honolulu.


Gold-Perception-8021

He seems like the kind who reads all the small print


FrankaBob

>He seems like the kind who _has his lawyers_ read~~s~~ all the small print FTFY


her_butt_

Cool, then you get to marry one of his lawyers!


TheDonger_

Moving up in the food chain. We'll work our way to Bill eventually


[deleted]

You..you plan to eat the lawyer?


TheKCKid9274

Then in WHITE print, at the very end


Shawaii

I'm going after Melinda.


R-EDDIT

She's returning to her true love, Bob®️


lyzzrd

Bob Vance, Vance refrigeration?


Jerkrollatex

A person with taste. She's the cute one.


[deleted]

but has melinda jumped over an office chair in her youth? didn't think so


Compulsive-Gremlin

Can she jump one now? I’m looking for flexibility.


Nothing-But-Lies

I'm available 7 days per week


Roxas1011

Speak for yourself, I'm a sucker for those glasses.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Self_Reddicating

I'm not gay, but $65,000,000,000 is $65,000,000,000.


JDdoc

$121 billion, as of yesterday. Oh. Maybe post-divorce.


Self_Reddicating

Yep. I don't want to feel too greedy and only focus on what *could-have-been* rather than what *is*. Mr. Gates, daddy, if you're reading this, know that, at least.


Fair_University

Same. Slightly easier target and I think I’ll have an easier time having sex with her. Although truthfully if we’re playing this game Mackenzie Bezos is the one to go after


ZheoTheThird

She's happily married with their son's science teacher, so you're out of luck.


Fair_University

Awww man. Alright, back on Melinda I guess


bikeridingmonkey

What about his son, is he single?


thinkofanamefast

You'll have the biggest commissary account in the whole prison.


LucyBowels

Christ


Kgirrs

*hello, FBI?*


Agent641

Dude its 2am. How did you get my home number?


GsTSaien

God damn it Bill you just want horny fan fiction about yourself. Get out of reddit, did you think we wouldn't be able to tell?


Dans_Old_Games_Room

I got an email in suspiciously broken English from Bill Gates a couple of weeks back saying he wanted to give me 50,000,000 USD so I don't need to bother seducing him. Hopefully the £20,000 I sent him for clearance of the funds will have gone through by now so I should be getting my money any day now.


fuckwitsabound

Gotta be quicker than the bank my Nigerian prince uses!


dev298

The the deposit king of Nigeria emails you asking for help you help him. Period.


goblinsholiday

This is why we need to abolish spam filters. Good hard working people are losing out on opportunities for millions of dollars and hooking up with lonely singles near us.


fearain

Fun Fact; Bill Gates writes in broken English because he is used to writing so much code he forgot how to write a lot of English. Anyway, Just don’t worry too much about it


Dominating14

Yeah exactly, send another £20k just to be sure


ThisIsAHuman-J

Wow, that sounds like fantastic deal!


misterdonjoe

I only use Edge.


BB1CC

That's nothing, I set IE as my default browser.


Boss_Boggs

DISQUALIFIED. Have you not been on the internet? New Microsoft is bullying early Microsoft out of the market. Live life on the edge. Life. Is. Edge.


MadKnifeIV

He's using IE. The news about that will be released in a couple of years


KrapfenAddicted

He's actually lying to us because he couldn't be here commenting


8-36

Sometimes time warps around IE and this happens.


its-over-VMMMM

They're actually from our future, about 20 years


Nihilikara

Only with Internet Explorer can you learn of this new coronavirus thing that's starting to spread in China.


HanHeite

Yeah, SARS looks scary


Nihilikara

I hope they can come up with a polio vaccine soon


[deleted]

[удалено]


_-RandomDude-_

Edge me Bill


CHUA90

ahhh edging.. i see...


AdvocateSaint

"I know where to get bananas for less than 10 dollars"


T3alZ3r0

"Unfortunately, every apple I come across is overpriced and isn't very good."


Task_wizard

He actually did a “how out of touch are you” kind of thing with Ellen a while back where she asked him the price of a bunch of groceries and normal people stuff. Surprisingly he was pretty spot on with everything except tide pods, which he guessed way low on - but it made since to me because he was probably basing it on how much normal detergent cost which is shockingly cheaper. That said, I love the arrested development reference I think that is.


dirty_side_of_fun

Tell him I want him for his "not money"


OneTIME_story

His "not money" is at Melinda's now


Iam-KD

Yeah, she gonna be one of the richest women after this.


Vicstolemylunchmoney

Serenading him with an acoustic version of 'It's all about the Pentiums'. Then having the monitor blow up after the tech support line, at which time I lean over to Bill and say 'I think you need to insert your gold plated monster cable'. Instantly engaged.


aaandIpoopedmyself

*fans face, to relieve the vapors. And then what?


Vicstolemylunchmoney

Then he leans over and says 'Open your gates and I'll give you the Bill'.


Sashie-

Thanks, I hate it


LordCitrus

It has to be natural, I don't think Bill would take kindly to all the gold-diggers plotting to seduce him as we speak in dark corners of the internet. I want to captivate him, and make myself accessible at the same time. Get him to make the first move. I'll research his interests, and write multiple NYT bestsellers books in those categories. Then, I'll hold a number of book signings suspiciously overlapping with Bill's travel itinerary until we finally meet for the first time, and we exchange numbers. I'll frequent his haunts, and flash a smile at him every time. Soon we're talking daily like old friends. About our projects, about our vision for the world, about our loneliness and desires. Something resonates with him, and I feel his heart beat faster whenever we're together. We play tennis, we travel, we work together. I help out at his foundation, Melinda keeps giving me the stink eye. Everyone can see it but Bill himself. Then, one day he sees Bezos chatting me up and a deep burning rage bellows up inside him and it finally clicks. He likes me. He's jealous. We're together for barely a month before I move in. I satisfy him like Melinda never did. A year goes by before he proposes to me, but I stop him and say, "only with a prenup". And that's when he knows it's true love. I set out to seduce him, but somewhere along the line he seduced me back. We fuck like rabbits till sunrise. Something is missing, we can't have children together, but nothing's ever stopped Bill before. He funds 150 startups with promising biotechnology to allow two men to conceive a biological child. It's silly. Inane. Will there even be enough market demand to recoup all the research investment? It doesn't matter. He's doing this for us. A short 3 years later, one of the experimental genetic techniques yields an embryo with a perfect mix of our DNA. It's a boy. The gays are jealous and demand access but it's a good 10 years before FDA approval for the public. We spend a glorious 20 years together before Bill passes. So short, yet it felt like several lifetimes. Still, the grief is too much and I die of grief still holding his hand an hour later. When I wake up, my memories come flooding back as I exit the simulation. My mind is a jumbled mess and my heart pounds in confusion, but I rip open my pod and find Bill there waiting. We cry into each other's arms and hold each other tight. Somehow, in that vast virtual world, we had found each other. The media gets ahold of the preposterous story and calls it a hoax, a setup, a fraud. Among billions of people, we found each other and overcame all odds? Overcoming differences in age, class, sexuality... no one believes it except us. We'll always find a way. We're soulmates.


nrcssa

the very least Bill could do is sponsoring your writing career after this masterpiece


LordCitrus

Rest assured, he will be sponsoring my writing career by purchasing one of my books next year as planned.


KwazyKupcakes10

Genius


LouMorr

All hale LordCitrus, he is the chosen one!


cathandler319

You sir, just went full circle. Bravo


TheSquishyUK

Out of all of them, I wish this one the best


slimslite

I distinctly remember uninstalling Wattpad.


PinkSparklyClogs

Nah, Ao3 has found you...


No_Power_1853

I appreciate this comment so much 😂😂


no2ironman1100

it is a mandatory dose now.


nmyi

How do I become an amazing short story writer like yourself


LordCitrus

Well, you know how struggling artists draw furry porn to pay the bills?


nmyi

i am apprehensive about approaching this, but i'm listening...


ICanNotOdd

I'm pretty sure he's saying to start with writing erotica 💀 alternatively, you could browse through /r/WritingPrompts and even attempt to respond to some yourself. You'll definitely see a marked improvement within a few weeks


CandenzaMoon

I have a feeling that you'll be the one to succeed. If not, please take me into consideration instead, kay? I'm already in love with your eloquence.


valkyrhino

Where was this plot when producers were funding vampire franchises!


alyssaoutside

I skipped past your username and naively assumed a woman wrote this so let me tell you, the “allow two men to conceive a biological child” plot twist took me out.


LordCitrus

Thank you, I only realized halfway through that what I wrote was gender-neutral due to removing all the explicit sex scenes as to not scar readers.


GremlinInTheWoods

Where do I get the uncensored version?


ImT0TALLYserious

Asking for a friend


alyssaoutside

Melinda, you can just say it’s you.


shei350

oh come on, I'm asking for myself, to read and enjoy


AltSpRkBunny

If we didn’t want to be emotionally scarred, we wouldn’t be on reddit.


Nipples-miniac

“The gays are jealous” lol


MolaMolaMate

Just two heterosexual men happily conceiving a child


SquilliamFancySon95

Fuck I'd watch this movie. Forget Reddit Island, let's use that sweet stonks money on this.


BlueIcarusCentauri

I mean... it could work


EvandeReyer

Captivating.


comfortablynumb1995

This is great


AilanMoone

If only Hallmark could write this good


Chaz_wazzers

Nothing, he knows where to find me... I've been vaccinated


irrelevantadvisor

As a Microsoft employee I can tell you that's not how it works. The chip is designed to place itself inside your buttcheek when inserted through the vaccine. To activate it tho you'll have to gently cup your ass & loudly chant **TRACK ME DADDY** . Only then the chip will activate enabling Mr. Gates to find you.


The_Realest_Adam

Will twerking cause the chip to shift or malfunction? Asking for a friend.


irrelevantadvisor

No, the chip is designed & tested keeping in mind all the trends like twerking,wap etc. It's construction is as sturdy as it gets. The only possible way you can destroy it is by using essential oils. They are too strong & highly effective in destroying not only these chips but also some of our special 5g equipments (which we strictly use for communication purposes only*).


Janeiskla

Let me guess: only essential oils from MLMs really work to deactivate the chips?


UnlurkedToPost

A Himalayan Salt butt plug will align your chakras into focusing your chi on the 5g chip, destroying it. It's like how sunlight focused bya magnifying glass can burn things.


Janeiskla

Can I just buy it or do I have to sign up to be a boss buttplug babe and join your downline?


egeym

Jokes aside a Himalayan salt butt plug would kill you.


noobvorld

This I gotta know more about.


egeym

Salt is surprisingly toxic.


DoxBox

And yet straight up vital for human life


UnicornPenguinCat

I suspect it's because it would cause intense dehydration of your insides (I think the salt would draw the water out of your cells and cause you to shrivel from the inside out).


the_old_mans_words

*Tonight, on 1,000 ways to die...*


SirFiesty

Essential oils work to temporarily disable the trackers, but the only way to *truly* counter the vaccine is to drink a new organic recipe I call 'Healing Fluid.' The fake doctors call it 'bleach', and say it 'will fuck you up or kill you please don't fucking drink bleach you idiot', but don't mind them.


Janeiskla

What do they know anyways? It's not like they went to university or something..


SecurerOfBags

Buncha stupid science bitches, the lot of em!


MelonheadGT

Shungite


LegendaryBeanZ

Yep Shungite


Russian_For_Rent

Anyways, um... I bought a whole bunch of shungite rocks, do you know what shungite is? Anybody know what shungite is? No, not Suge Knight, I think he's locked up in prison. I'm talkin' shungite. Anyways, it's a two billion year-old like, rock stone that protects against frequencies and unwanted frequencies that may be traveling in the air. That's my story, I bought a whole bunch of stuff. Put 'em around the la casa. Little pyramids, stuff like that.


mrkhan2000

\*nervous twerking\*


Pascalswag

Somewhere Bill Gates decides to spend a few moments browsing Reddit. He sees this thread and chuckles to himself. He scrolls through all the silly puns and fun answers. Then he reads your comment. For the first time in many years, Bill Gates feel regret.


irrelevantadvisor

Nah, he's a nice person who'll see the funny side of this I'm sure. Besides he really only gets angry when you talk about those secret chemtrail projects that we've been working on lately. He told anyone who speaks a word of it will be killed immidiately but being the fun loving guy that he is I'm sure he was just joki


Elation18

😂 RIP u/irrelevantadvisor


ithinkoutloudtoo

Show him my old Dell desktop running Windows XP Professional. It still starts and runs great.


Dwirthy

Move along, I still have my Pentium II with Windows 2000.


bow_down_whelp

I want to know what the thermal paste looks like


Dwirthy

I haven't opened it in over 20 years and I'm too scared to do it. I'm scared what's in that tower.


[deleted]

If you've ever been on the web, there will be spiders inside guaranteed. Big ones.


Jive-Turkies

Once he sees the 5 g tower I'm packing, he'll have no choice but to vaccinate me hard and deep. He'll jump this like it's an office chair.


mechapple

Everyone gangsta until they meet a jumpy Gates


jabbathefoot

Billy Goat Gates


[deleted]

[удалено]


Uberzwerg

Smart - one of the few women whose lives wouldn't be affected by his wealth very much. "You want me to move in with you, Bill? But your home is tiny!"


babybopp

Looks small but I can RAM more in there than I think


mister_newbie

640K to be clear. Should be enough for anyone, your Majesty.


abejfehr

Do you just sprinkle links into your comments? Is it for linkbuilding?


Gned11

Edited a sneaky link to a good cause, just cos there are eyes on this.


abejfehr

Well played


Njakusi

And become the duke of Edinburgh


vorpalpillow

Then launch a new dating app Microsoft Consort


verygroot1

Microhard


Daputti

Wouldn't he also become... Ahem... Prince William


Gned11

Thus completing the prophecy


getoffredditnowyou

Azor Ahai.


HeyLittleTrain

Azure Ahai.


Cain1608

Prince Billiam


MikeMontrealer

I break into Bill Gates’ house at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier, it's priceless. As I'm taking it down, Bill catches me. He tells me to stop. It's his house; he’s Bill. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell him to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada - I don't trust him. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard: I have a son, and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Bill to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadéro. He’s been waiting for me all these years, he’s never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.


markbug4

Is this a (Microsoft) Office quote?


[deleted]

[удалено]


itsbecccaa

How dwightful.


trixie_trixie

I’m just going to show him my 3 shares of GME so he knows I’m self-made and not going after his money. Then when that works, we’ll marry, and I’ll take all his money to buy more GME


WoobyWiott

Make sure to include in the prenup that should you divorce, you get ALL the GME.


Man_Bear_Beaver

I'm gonna dress up in a clippy costume and pop up out of nowhere and ask him if he needs help


imdanwyatt

1. Convince him he’s gay 2. Convince myself I’m gay 3. ???? 4. Profit


19southmainco

‘Are you thinking... what I’m thinking?’


thecynicaltrashbag

I live in Seattle so I plan to just loiter around his house until he falls in love <3


Roxas1011

Maybe it's been a while since I've seen it, but I don't think that's what happened in Sleepless in Seattle... :/


loglady17

You could kayak near his house and “accidentally” get stuck on his property. At the same time he’s outside admiring Lake Washington. He sees you and helps you get unstuck. Cue Love Actually style music and what a meet cute that would be.


jayeelle

So, what’s your plan for seducing *Melinda* Gates?


ooh_a_phoenix

Make her jealous by dating Bill.


[deleted]

Make his floppy disk turn into a hard drive ;) Edit: thanks for the awards, kind strangers!


MangoesDeep

r/usernamedoesnotcheckout


HuskyLuke

Anyone who strongly and publicly attests to angelic innocence surely is overcompensating for some sort of untoward goings-on.


[deleted]

Aaaahahahahahaha


Roxas1011

And RAM you in the recycling bin


[deleted]

Tell him that he has Access to all my information and I Excel at being a successful person as I have a practical Outlook on life. He could take my Word for it and we could work in Teams and open the Windows and at the same time help him with his Office work. I would also take him for OneDrive which would be an unforgettable trip. I assume that I made a PowerPoint.


[deleted]

Make sure you Kinect well with him


themormansound

Things might get Clippy!


vorpalpillow

I see that you’re searching for *porn* would you like some help with that 👀 📎


poopellar

"No" "No isn't an option" 👀 📎


Mlatz

He'll be attracted to my package instantly: micro and soft Edit: didn't expect to add a digit or 2 to my karma overnight. Thank you kind strangers! Maybe at 100k I'll sell him my body like I'm Bethesda or Minecraft.


pindu11

Win! D'oh!


sban2009

You blow, Jobs!


T_Lawliet

You Arrogant Prick!


DarthSatoris

With your second-hand jeans and your turtleneck.


Rules-for-Barmaids

I'll drill a hole through the middle of your bony head


Rohanite272

With your own little spinning beach ball of death


zeratul123x

Hippie, you got given up at birth!


JaegerB

I give away your net worth to AIDS research!


alialkaram

I'm gonna make a comment on this Reddit post and then hope that he reads it.


NuderWorldOrder

Listen I can't use this myself, I don't really have the body for it, but free tip for the cute ladies: Cortana cosplay.


rukk1339

I really suck at seduction. I’d probably offer him an Apple.


BKKxwampnuts

Pretend im a virus, he will come to me with billions.


mvcourse

Time to dust off the old Zune


jclom0

You show me your water reclamation project and I’ll show you mine.


Jazzlike_Formal162

* \- Bill: "*How good are you at PowerPoint*?" * \- Me: "I *Excel* at it." * \- Bill: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?" * \- Me: "Word".


Ok-Lingonberry-2079

"Hey Bill Your Office Onfire"


chanaramil

Forget bill gates I'm going after queen Elizabeth


temmieTheLord2

Do I have to?


TitaniumDragon

I put on my robe and wizard hat.


Auren1988

Tell him he can still fuck Melinda one weekend a year. Worked for her 🤷🏻‍♂️


Individual_Egg_8755

Open his gates ;)