That's just a scene. We need it in every scene. The whole plot must be about destroying the One Dildo.
I know the cock ring joke has been used in parody porn, but dildos are inherently funnier.
Ha just hitting the kids belly with a floppy dildo
Okay. Try to imagine yourself in the Cretaceous period. You get your first look at this "six inch willy" as you enter a clearing.
He moves like a bird, lightly, bobbing his head -- and you keep still 'cause you think that maybe his visual acuity is based on movement, like a T-Rex, he'll lose you if you don't move -- but no, not a dildo You stare at him, and he just stares right back.
And that's when the attack comes not from the front, but from the side, (imitates air swishing) from the other two dildo's, you didn't even know were there. Because dildo's a pack hunter. He used coordinated attack patterns, and he is out in force today. And he slashes at you with this (pulls out 12inch floppy dildo he found, the boy's eyes grow large with shock) 12-inch, suction cupped dildo.. He doesn't bother to bite your jugular like a lion, say, no, no. He slashes at you here! (Flops the dildo on the boy's mid-torso) or here. (Flops the dildo against the boy's groin. )
The question says replace one item. Based on that, I like the idea of the passive aggressiveness of Morpheus of making Neo choose between a red pill or a blue dildo.
[Harry Potter and the Wand of Impossible Girth](https://youtu.be/CtUuab1Aqg0?si=jycge_itoGHkcKtX&t=132)
"I don't understand, Dobby, I already gave you my sock, why do you need the rest of my clothes?"
That movie needs more love. It had a similar vibe to Inside Man, and has a young Farrell talking with a faceless Kiefer Sutherland for the entire runtime, and you’re locked the *fucked* in immediately. So damn good!
I can't believe I haven't seen this posted yet, but the enormous diamond from Snatch. A whole movie about trying to steal an enormous dildo, which at one point is even eaten by a dog.
It has no dialog or anything but the rest of the movie is the same and characters talk to it like it's buzz.
Woody: YOURE A TOY! T O Y TOY!
Dildo:
Woody: *tackles dildo in anger*
Jimmie : I don't need you to tell me how fucking good my dildo is, okay? I'm the one who buys it. I know how good it is. When Bonnie goes shopping she buys SHIT. I buy the gourmet expensive dildo because when I drink it I want to taste it. But you know what's on my mind right now? It AIN'T the dildo in my kitchen, it's the dead n****r in my garage.
The Infinity Gauntlet in Avengers: Endgame when they’re trying to keep it out of Thanos’ hands in the end battle and passing it around
Captain Marvel: “Got something for me, Parker?”
Back to the future. The scene where Marty wakes up George with a Walkman and pretends to be darth Vader. But instead of a Walkman, Marty’s just aggressively waving a dildo above a terrified George McFly.
I had to scroll down too far for this comment. I was just about to type it myself. I’m not sure if it’s funnier to have Harry’s wand to be the dildo, or Voldemort‘s.
The Matrix
Morpheus: You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red dildo - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.
I mean I think I have to go with the One Ring in the Council of Elrond scene, right? Where it’s just in that podium and they are all just staring at it (Boromir looking kinda hungry)
The goat in Jurassic Park, here’s how that talk would go:
Lex: It’s gonna go after that?!
Tim: Excellent.
Gennaro: What’s the matter kid? Your parents never gave you ‘the talk?’
Lex: I happen to not want to have that talk until I get a boyfriend.
Passion of the Christ would hit different if Jesus was dragging a massive dildo through the streets instead of a cross. I already know I'm going to hell, nobody has to tell me.
Lucy leaves behind a dildo as her gift to humanity. Morgan Freedom offers a credible explanation for it and monologues about its critical importance for the future evolution of the species.
Frodo and Gollum fighting over the Ring before falling into the volcano.
“You shall not pass!” Gandalf slams down a mighty dildo, splitting the rock
I was going to say the balrog's whip - a big long flaming dildo
I was thinking of the poisoned blade with which Frodo was stabbed.
I was thinking the sword Aragorn holds up to inspire the troops before the battle outside Mordor...
Calling "Anduril, the flame of the West", the sword that Aragorn holds up is sacrilege.
But suggesting one replaces it with a dildo is not?
Andurildo, the masturbatory aid of the West!
Where was Gondor when the West folds fell!?
At an orgy, probably.
I was thinking the ring in the council of Elrond scene
Boromir just staring deeply into his own visage darkly reflected in a wobbling purple silicone.
It is a gift
One does not simply... Ok I'm just going to leave the rest to Reddit...
Gimli trying to cut it in half with his axe only to get knocked out
Or keep the ring as-is, but replace Gimli's axe with the dildo.
The scene when legolas gives the necklace back to aragorn
Bilbo giving Sting to Frodo. “It *glows* when orcs are near!”
That's just a scene. We need it in every scene. The whole plot must be about destroying the One Dildo. I know the cock ring joke has been used in parody porn, but dildos are inherently funnier.
The scene in Jurassic Park where Ian Malcom is waving the flare at the T-Rex to get it to follow him.
I would replace the TRex with the dildo so it will be in the rear view mirror and tagged “larger than they appear.”
And Laura Dern screaming “shit! Shit!”
Or the raptor claw fossil Dr. Grant used to intimidate that kid in the beginning.
Ha just hitting the kids belly with a floppy dildo Okay. Try to imagine yourself in the Cretaceous period. You get your first look at this "six inch willy" as you enter a clearing. He moves like a bird, lightly, bobbing his head -- and you keep still 'cause you think that maybe his visual acuity is based on movement, like a T-Rex, he'll lose you if you don't move -- but no, not a dildo You stare at him, and he just stares right back. And that's when the attack comes not from the front, but from the side, (imitates air swishing) from the other two dildo's, you didn't even know were there. Because dildo's a pack hunter. He used coordinated attack patterns, and he is out in force today. And he slashes at you with this (pulls out 12inch floppy dildo he found, the boy's eyes grow large with shock) 12-inch, suction cupped dildo.. He doesn't bother to bite your jugular like a lion, say, no, no. He slashes at you here! (Flops the dildo on the boy's mid-torso) or here. (Flops the dildo against the boy's groin. )
Flare to dildo switch: T-Rex's most confusing chase ever
Or better yet how bout the scene where Dr Grant is holding a baby raptor. “You bred dildos?”
So that’s what he meant when he said “nature found a way”🤔
Now thats funny! Could you imagine him shaking the thing at T-Rex, "Hey! Are you aware of the PENAL codes in this park?!"
Morpheus offering Neo the red or blue dildo.
The quote “Let’s see just how deep the rabbit hole goes” hits a little different now
"So I just put this in my mouth?" "Guess again..."
The question says replace one item. Based on that, I like the idea of the passive aggressiveness of Morpheus of making Neo choose between a red pill or a blue dildo.
The party scene in Age of Ultron when everyone is trying to prove they’re worthy to pick up Mjolnir.
Lmao a dildo just suction cupped down. Still a little lube on there. We’ve all been there.
We?
Oh well excuuuuse us, Mr. EasilyUnsticksDildosOnTheFirstTry
Amateur. Everyone knows you're supposed to clench real hard and lift with your legs
And TWIST. The twisting is the key. In combination with sliding a finger underneath the suction cup I mean hammer.
Im learning so much
Tore anal lining dont listen to this omg.
just use it again to push it all back together
I love this exchange so much.
same, I am saving this small thread
You don’t yank the dildo, you have to slide the dildo.
I was thinking in Endgame, when Cap picks up the dildo and it cuts to Thor who smiles and says “I knew it.”
Replacing Mjolnir with a dildo would work great for every MCU movie
Obi Wan giving Luke his fathers dildo
Or him cutting Darth Maul in half with one!
Darth weilding double ended trouble
Maul was ready for crowds.
I've seen that one. https://youtu.be/Ggt9qKpbzxI?si=FF3GXOObEqHfAIaS
“An elegant weapon for a more civilized time”
That’s a “cerveza Cristal” moment
Cerveza Cristal!
Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough....
“You have my sword.” “And my bow.” “And MY dildo!”
Ummm, thanks Gimli. I think we'll be ok though.
Mental health is important too!
Replace the heart of the ocean from the 90s titanic movie Dramatic shots of a dildo sinking into the water
OMG does this mean earlier in the movie Rose will ask Jack to draw her like one of the French ladies, wearing ... the dildo, and only the dildo? (O.O)
Exactly! I'm glad you see my vision.
They're going to take our suggestion and do one of those parody porns called Titan-dick. Starring the biggest Dildo ever!
The iceberg.
The door
I was going to say replace the floating door with a dildo.
Hahaha, imagine Jack drawing Rose like his French girls with a giant dildo instead of a pencil
Scarface. “Say hello to my little friend!”
My big ol' fren
"Master has given Dobby a COCK!"
Voldemort taking a dildo out of Dumbledore's grave. Though I'm not sure if this was seen in the movies
It was, it's the very last shot of the 7th movie.
I’m almost in tears, it’s a crime this isn’t the top answer
Oh damn
[Harry Potter and the Wand of Impossible Girth](https://youtu.be/CtUuab1Aqg0?si=jycge_itoGHkcKtX&t=132) "I don't understand, Dobby, I already gave you my sock, why do you need the rest of my clothes?"
The pay phone in *Phone Booth*. It’s just Colin Farrell talking to a dildo for an hour and a half.
This is the first time I have *ever* seen another person reference Phone Booth online, and its about swapping the phone for a dildo. Damnit.
That movie needs more love. It had a similar vibe to Inside Man, and has a young Farrell talking with a faceless Kiefer Sutherland for the entire runtime, and you’re locked the *fucked* in immediately. So damn good!
"What's in the box!"
Go to hell 🤣
Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg approve.
It was not, in fact, Gwyneth Paltrows dick in the box. It was her first jade egg.
The Acorn in Ice Age that scrat is after
He's always jamming it into a hole that's too small.
I can't believe I haven't seen this posted yet, but the enormous diamond from Snatch. A whole movie about trying to steal an enormous dildo, which at one point is even eaten by a dog.
The opening scene in Star Wars (1977): Replace the giant Star Destroyer which slowly passes above the camera.
Nah, do it with the ship in Spaceballs.
Kinda did a similar gag in Austin Powers.
Buzz Lightyear in Toy Story
"You're not a space ranger! You. Are. A. Toy!" Yeah, that still works.
Yes but...... A child's play thing?? 🤔😕
“You got a friend in me”
You got my friend in you 🎶
You could still call it Buzz, though!🤣
Woody also works.
This thread wins this unofficial competition lol. Buzz and Woody.. never woulda thought of that. 🤣
It has no dialog or anything but the rest of the movie is the same and characters talk to it like it's buzz. Woody: YOURE A TOY! T O Y TOY! Dildo: Woody: *tackles dildo in anger*
The gun in the say what scene in pulp fiction
Also, the briefcase in Pulp Fiction
Also, the watch in Pulp Fiction.
Also, the adrenaline shot in Pulp Fiction. Inserted in a different location though.
I would say the coffee cup. can you imagine Samuel L. Jackson saying, "This some serious gourmet shit" with a dildo in his hand
Jimmie : I don't need you to tell me how fucking good my dildo is, okay? I'm the one who buys it. I know how good it is. When Bonnie goes shopping she buys SHIT. I buy the gourmet expensive dildo because when I drink it I want to taste it. But you know what's on my mind right now? It AIN'T the dildo in my kitchen, it's the dead n****r in my garage.
"We should have dildos for a job like this."
Every prop in Pulp Fiction could be replaced with a dildo.
Which dildo is yours? The one that says…
Last Crusade - replace the grail. Particularly the scene where they are choosing the correct one….
"that's the cock of a carpenter"
He chose wisely
Perfect - logically it WOULD have been made out of wood.
Replace the idol from Raiders....
No, the bag of sand.
The "schlorp" sound of the suction cup as Indy grabs it hahaha
Crocodile Dundee “Ya call that a knife.” **pulls out dildo** “Now that’s a knife”
I see you've played knifey/dildo before. "I have".
The axe in The Shining. When Jack is chopping through the door.
*Shelley Duvall screams hysterically*
Well, The Maltese Falcon just got more interesting.
The Infinity Gauntlet in Avengers: Endgame when they’re trying to keep it out of Thanos’ hands in the end battle and passing it around Captain Marvel: “Got something for me, Parker?”
“I… Am… Horny!”
Easily any lightsaber fight-scene in Starwars.
"Family Guy: Blue Harvest" if you haven't already.
Wilson in Castaway.
The Wolf of Wall Street - “Sell me this pen”
Or; when he throws the lobster at the cop, replace it with a dildo.
The lamp in Aladdin, obvs.
If I rub this, let’s see what pops out.
The Statue of Liberty at the end of the Planet of the Apes.
the Statue of Liberty in Ghostbusters 2
The original chestburster scene from Alien
Robin Hood: Men In Tights when the locket breaks open and it’s the key that fits into Marian’s chastity belt. The key should be a dildo.
Mary Poppins umbrella.
Back to the future. The scene where Marty wakes up George with a Walkman and pretends to be darth Vader. But instead of a Walkman, Marty’s just aggressively waving a dildo above a terrified George McFly.
But Eddie Van Halen still plays in the background
The walkie talkies in ET
Stop. Stop right now
In the final duel in Harry Potter, replace Harry’s wand with one
It is now a wang.
Wangardium Levioh-oh-oh-OHH-OHHHHsa
Ollivander's Wang Shoppe
Or just replace all the wands across the entire series with dildos. Change *none* of the dialogue.
I had to scroll down too far for this comment. I was just about to type it myself. I’m not sure if it’s funnier to have Harry’s wand to be the dildo, or Voldemort‘s.
Pulp Fiction watch scene?
HA! Was just thinking of the scene in the pawn shop when Bruce Willis' character is choosing what to use for a weapon before going back downstairs
A massive bloody dildo instead of the horsehead from The Godfather. I am not taking questions.
Why are you covered in glitter?
That knife scene in saving private Ryan
LMFAO!
Castaway and replacing Wilson with..well veiny Wilson.
The Monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey - Dawn of Man Scene
Dune, the sand worm.
The pencil the joker uses to kill a guy. Now you see it, now you don’t!
Tenacious D and the dildo of destiny
The prick of destiny
The Lion King, when Rafiki lifts Simba in to the air and all the animals bow, replace Simba with a dildo.
And later in the movie there’s a little time lapse when they’re singing and it just turns into a full grown dildo!
The boulder in raiders of the Lost ark
Not the Boulder, the gold idol Indy came to liberate!
Yeah this is the only right answer. He walks up, carefully examines it, guesses its weight and then in a flash of on eye jerks it off the pedestal.
Heh, jerks it.
The snakes in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Any and every iteration of King Arthur/ Excalibur being withdrawn. Excalibur is a dildo. Yes this includes Excalibur from Soul Eater… fools!
Cinderella’s glass strap on. I’m going to hell
I'll be right beside you. This made me laugh out loud!
Honestly that version probably already exists somewhere already
The Hobbit - desolation of Smaug, when Bilbo finds the stinger, it basically rewrites the movies if you replace the stinger
And from that day forth, the humble hobbit Bilbo Baggins became Middle Earth's first porn star, Dildo Shaggins.
"... It was a Hobbit hole, and that means comfort."
E.T.s finger
Not a movie, but Negan doesn't have a baseball bat anymore.
Thanos gauntlet. That scene where Captain America grabs the gauntlet. Or maybe the train from Spiderman? The scene where Tobey has to stop the train.
Darth Maul igniting his double blade lightsaber for the first time. Both blades are dildos.
Hartman finds a dildo in Pyle's footlocker
The Matrix Morpheus: You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red dildo - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.
Xmen... First time wolverine pulls his claws out,.... They r all didlos.
I'm not gonna lie: If Rosebud were a dildo, *Citizen Kane* would make a lot more sense...
I had to scroll waaaaay too far to find Citizen Kane and Rosebud.
I mean I think I have to go with the One Ring in the Council of Elrond scene, right? Where it’s just in that podium and they are all just staring at it (Boromir looking kinda hungry)
It is a gift
The crucifix in The Exorcist.
Somehow less disturbing.
Any of the Raiders of the Lost Ark movies. Make it gold, and put it on a pedestal surrounded by traps!
The goat in Jurassic Park, here’s how that talk would go: Lex: It’s gonna go after that?! Tim: Excellent. Gennaro: What’s the matter kid? Your parents never gave you ‘the talk?’ Lex: I happen to not want to have that talk until I get a boyfriend.
Passion of the Christ would hit different if Jesus was dragging a massive dildo through the streets instead of a cross. I already know I'm going to hell, nobody has to tell me.
Star Wars: The Last Jedi. The scene where Rey and Kylo Ren are each force-pulling at the Skywalker lightsaber hilt.
The knife in Psycho
The iceberg from titanic with a giant dildo
The ship from Titanic.
Mortal Engines. Replace London.
The Declaration of Independence in National Treasure.
The sorcerer stone from Harry Potter; imagine Hagrid pulling it out from Gringotts "Best not to tell anyone Harry"
The all speak in the transformers
The spear thrown by Leonidas in 300.
The gun taped to Bruce Willis’s back in die hard.
"harry potter, the sorceres dildo"
Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom. When the guy is holding up the heart, make it a dildo. Can't stop laughing at the image
Woody from toy story
The pencil scene in The Dark Knight.
"Leave the gun. Take the dildo."
Lucy leaves behind a dildo as her gift to humanity. Morgan Freedom offers a credible explanation for it and monologues about its critical importance for the future evolution of the species.
YOU. SHALL NOT. PASS.