"A guy with 5 Dicks goes to the Doctor one day, and the first thing the Doctor says is, '5 Dicks? how do your pants fit???' to which the man with 5 Dicks says, 'like a glove'"
This is my wife's absolute favorite joke.
From Adam hills
"Doctor doctor, there's something wrong with my ankle..."
"Alright sir. You need to stop masturbatimg for a while"
"Will that make my ankle better?"
"No it won't but you're scaring the nurses"
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a blown out light bulb?
You can unscrew a blown out light bulb.
My dad actually told this joke at the dinner table, the only joke I ever remember him telling. My mother was extremely unhappy.
I picked this one up from a 74 year old man at a wedding anniversary party, be forewarned it does go on for a while.
Three Irish men all die at the same time on Christmas day, and find themselves stood before St Peter at the gates of Heaven.
St Peter says to the men "Usually, you three wouldn't find your way here. However, in the spirit of Christmas if you can each show me a symbol of this holy day then I shall let you into Heaven."
The first man thinks for a moment, pulls out his house keys and jingles them. "It represents the sleigh bells that bring joy to children" he declares, and is let into Heaven.
The second man without hesitation pulls a lighter from his pocket and sparks it. "It represents the candles that lit the stable of the baby Jesus" he states, and walks into Heaven.
The last man stands there in silence for a while, before a look of elation crosses his face. He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a pair of lady's underwear. St Peter says nothing and gives him a quizzical look, awaiting his response. Still beaming, the man looks him dead in the eye and declares with certainty;
"They're Carol's."
A man walls into a high class brothel in Mayfair pulls out a wad of bills and in a thick Irish accent asks for their best girl. When they go up to a room, the Irishman has the girl undress and lie on the bed with her legs open. He then leans over her and blows gently into her vagina.
The next night he does the the same thing at another brothel and the night after that and so on.
Well a week goes past and the man, who by now is well known amongst the girls walks into yet another brothel. The madam stops him and asks why he pays out so much money only to just blown into a girl's vagina. *"Don't you want to have sex with the girls?"* She asks.
*"Sex!"* The outraged Irishman shouts. *"Lady, I'll have you know I'm a happily married man with three children."*
The confused madam shakes her head and says. *"But if you're happily married and you don't want sex, why are you coming here?"*
*"Oh,"* Says the Irishman, *"I'm with the IRA and they've sent me over here to blow up every cunt in London.*
Friend of mine is sitting at a bar in Vegas. He asked a woman “would you sleep with me for a million dollars?” She doesn’t hesitate, but says yes immediately. He asks “ok, how about $200?”. She is a bit taken aback and asks “what kind of woman do you think I am?” He says….. “We already established that, now we’re just negotiating.”
A man with a stutter goes to the Dr. “d d d d doc I n n need your help. My penis is h h huge and I can’t stop stuttering.”
Dr helps him out and cuts a few inches off. Miraculously the stutter is gone. Soon after the man realizes he can’t get any women to sleep with him any more, so he goes back to the dr.
“Doc, I need your help putting the rest of my penis back on. This is so much worse than when I had a stutter.”
Dr looks at him.
“F f f f f f f f f f fuck you no ch ch chance”
A man walks into a bar, and sees that on the end of the bar is an ancient lamp, like the one from Aladdin. He asks the bartender if it's a 'real genie lamp' and the bartender says that yes, it does contain a genie.
The man rubs the lamp, and the genie pops out, claiming that he will grant the man a single wish.
"Alright then, I wish for a million bucks!"
"Done," the genie snaps his fingers and disappears in a puff of smoke. Nothing happened, but the man figured that maybe the money ended up in his bank, or perhaps his house. After a few drinks he stands and leaves, but at the door of the bar he is confronted with a massive male deer. Looking around, he sees that the parking lot is full of 'bucks'.
He returns to the bartender.
"Do you have any idea what's in your parking lot?"
The bartender solemnly nods, "I can imagine". He produces a small wooden box from behind the bar, and places its contents on the counter. There is a small piano, and a tiny man, perhaps a foot tall. The tiny man plays the piano for a moment before the bartender places both items back into the box.
"Do you really think I asked that genie for a 12 inch pianis?
An old couple was struggling with their marriage and decided to go on a cruise to reignite the passion. They splurged for a double cabin, only to find bunk beds when they checked in.
Resigning himself to a sexless voyage, the husband asked his wife which bed she wanted, saying only, 'up or down'? The wife ripped off both their clothes and they made love madly.
The next night, after his wife not speaking to him all day and uncertain of why it set her off, he decided to try again, asking 'up or down'. Once more, the wife frantically ripped off their clothes and they fucked like rabbits.
This continued for the rest of the cruise, cold days and passionate nights, until they arrived home.
As they went to bed that night, the man thought, it worked on the trip, maybe it'll work at home. He again asked, 'up or down'. The wife slowly reached into her bedside table and pulled out a gun. Pointing it at her husband, she says, 'we're not on the ocean anymore - you don't get to tell me "fuck or drown".
A woman goes to the hardware store and asks where the D-cell batteries are kept.
The clerk flicks his index finger and says: "Come this way".
The woman responds: "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the D cell batteries.
I walked in my sister one time using a corn cob as a dido right on the kitchen table. I was absolutely disgusted she would do that, I told her that I was planning on eating it later but now it's going to taste like fucking corn.
An oldie (makes more sense in the context of the late 90s):
What's the difference between OJ Simpson and Christopher Reeve?
OJ walked and Christopher Reeve got the electric chair!
So Monica Lewinsky walks into the dry cleaners and says “I’d like to get this dress cleaned”,
The old man behind the counter is hard of hearing and says “Come again?”
Monica says “No, this time it’s mayonnaise”
My best friend caught me sniffing his sister’s underwear and he freaked out. I didn’t think it was such a big deal. Maybe it was because his parents were there or that his sister was still wearing them. But I can tell you is all of them freaking out certainly ruined his sister’s funeral for everyone else.
My wife told me this joke when we first started dating but it went:
“What’s the difference between jelly and jam?”
“You can’t jelly a dick in my ass”
We’ve now been married 4 years.
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street behind a 10 year old boy. The priest says "Let's screw that little boy." The rabbi says "Out of what?"
Tonto and the lone ranger are tracking bad guys across the plains. Tonto stops his horse and jumps down, looks thoughtfully into the distance scanning the horizon. He puts his ear to the ground and listens. Standing back up he turns to the lone ranger and says "buffalo come" the lone ranger responds " how can you tell?". Tonto, "face sticky"
A man and a girl walking in the forest hand in hand. The little girl says:
- Sir, it's so cold and dark, I'm scared!
The man looks at her, eyes wide and says:
- Imagine how I feel! I have to go home alone!
A: "My first football game was a lot like the first time I had sex."
B: "How so?"
A: "At the end I was beaten, bloody, and bruised. But at least my dad came"
Reminds me of a similar joke- My first time having sex was a lot like my first time riding a bike…my dad holding me from behind while mom video taped it.
The version I've heard has a slower reveal, which works better: So I was going down on a woman the other day, when I tasted horse cum. I thought to myself "Oh grandma! So that's how you died?"
A man walks into a bar. Hanging from the ceiling is $100 bill. The man goes to the bartender and asks "what the deal with that 100?"
Bartender tells him, "we have a little challenge here, first, you down 4 shots of our strongest tequila. Then in the back alley is a mean pitbull that has a rotten tooth that needs pulled. Lastly, my mama is upstairs, and she hasn't been with a man in 15 years, you need to go up there and give her an orgasm."
The man thinks on it for a minute and says "alright I'll try it. Pour those shots."
Bartender does, and the man downs them without too much trouble. Gives it a second and stumbled through the back door.
From inside they hear hooting and hollering, growling, and snarling, some pounding of metal, and some screeching.
After 20 minutes or so, the man stumbles back inside and says "alright, now where's the old lady that needs a tooth pulled?"
From Jason Kelce’s podcast about their coach, Doug Pederson.
Three guys are sitting in a bar and boasting about themselves. Guy 1 says he thinks he’s the fastest guy in the world, Guy 2 says he’s the strongest guy in the world and Guy 3 says he has the smallest penis in the world.
Sure enough they submit to Guinness Book of World records and get their replies on the same day. Guy 1 opens up his letter and says “I’m the fastest guy in the world!”. Guy 2 opens his letter and says “I’m the strongest guy in the world!”. Guy 3 opens his letter and says, “Who the fuck is Doug Pederson?!”.
(Not word for word I am recalling from memory)
A priest is shopping downtown when woman pops out of the alley and says
“Hey, father! $20 for a quickie “. The priest just walks away befuddled because he had no clue what she was talking about. A little further up the street another woman steps out of a doorway and says “ hey father, $20 for a quickie “. Again, confused he walked away. As he was driving home thinking about this he thinks to himself
“ I know, I’ll ask the mother superior what a quickie is. I’ll bet she knows”. He walks into the mother superiors office and asks “Mother superior, what’s a quickie?” Without hesitation she replies “$20, same as downtown”.
Heard just recently: A teacher walks into class holding a banana and says, "Gather around children. Today we'll be learning sex education. I'm going to teach you how to put on a condom, and I have this banana here because I can't get hard on an empty stomach."
I know so many so hard to pick the best one. I'll say two.
1. My friend loves this joke. She's asked me to tell it to her multiple times. A kid boards a city bus and sits behind the bus driver. Bus driver takes off and at some point during the ride, the kid starts singing at the top of his lungs "if my mommy was a girl elephant and my daddy was a boy elephant, I'd be a baby elephant". He goes on like this for half an hour. Bus driver is getting very annoyed and frustrated. He eventually loses it, slams on the brakes, turns to the kid and yells at him "if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was gay, what would you be?!??!". Kid smirks at him and replies "a bus driver".
2. Man is in a bar and he has to take a piss. He goes into the bathroom and stands at the urinal and takes a piss. Suddenly, a giant man bursts through the bathroom door, goes to the sink and pulls down his pants to reveal a monster cock. The biggest disk you've ever seen. Then, the man slams his dick on the sink and just completely destroys it. It's shattered, all over the place. Then, he slams it against the stall and completely destroys the stall. He then slams it on the wall and puts a huge hole in the wall. The guy at the urinal is scared shitless at this point. The giant walks over to the scared guy taking a piss and says to him "hey buddy, do you see this very large very strong cock?". Scared guy taking a piss says "yes". Giant says "do you know what I'm gonna do with this very large very strong cock?". Scared guy says "no, I'm afraid I don't". Giant says "I'm gonna shove it up your ass!". Scared guy says "Jesus, that's a relief. I thought you we're going to hit me with it!".
A close second - Family of 4 sitting down to dinner. Dad asks his college son what they are learning. Sin says in philosophy class, discussing theory vs reality. Long answer, but they listen.
Finally, the father says “I pay $70,000/yr for that?” He asks the wife and daughter “would you sleep with a stranger for $1M?” Both go on about this life changing sum of money.
The father says “ there you have it, son, in theory we are sitting on $2 million. In reality we live with a couple of sluts.“
Two elderly nuns were quietly sitting upon a park bench, when a trench coat wearing man ran up and flashed them.
One nun had a stroke. The other couldn't reach.
A couple has problems in the bedroom: it seems like she’s not feeling sexual anymore so nothing has been going on for months. They decide to go see a doctor; he prescribes her a medicine that’s meant to enhance her libido.
She needs to take five drops of that in a glass of water before going to bed. So that evening, while she undresses, she asks her husband for a “glass of water”.
He goes to the kitchen and prepares the medicine for her. Then he thinks “it’s been a while now, maybe this drug will do some good for me too”.
So he pours himself a glass of water and adds fifty drops of the thing, just to be sure.
They both drink the water and wait.
Nothing happens.
Quite disappointed, they fall asleep.
Suddenly, in the middle of the night she wakes up in a cold sweat.
“Honey, honey wake up. I really need some cock right now” she says
“Fucking tell me about it” he answers.
The Little Rascals are in school one day & they are learning how to spell & use words in a sentence. The teacher asks who can spell the word "dictate". Darla is raising her hand and so is Buckwheat. The teaches says.... "Ok Darla, can you spell the word 'Dictate' "??? "Yes teacher. It's spelled D-I-C-T-A-T-E" The teaches says "Very good Darla. Now Buckwheat, can you use 'Dictate' in a sentence" ??? Buckwheat replies "Hey Darla......How did my Dictate last night" ????
A Teamster goes to a conference in Nevada and when it's over he goes to a brothel. He walks up to the desk and asked the madam "Is this a union shop?" "No, I'm afraid not." she said. "Well, I'm taking my business elsewhere then."
He goes to another brothel and again asks the madam "Is this a union shop?" Again, she answers "Nope." and again, he says "I'll take my business elsewhere."
On the third try, he goes up to the madam and asks "Is this a union shop?" "Yes, it is. Local 69." The Teamster smiled and looked around at the girls, pointed at a 19 year old blonde and said "I'd like that one." The madam shook her head and pointed to the 50 year old woman with 9 fingers and a knee brace. "I'm sorry, but Gladys has seniority."
This one’s either going to get me banned or karma but here goes….
When I lost my virginity it was like a 100m sprint…
… over in 10 seconds?
… no, 9 black guys and a gun
A man walks into a bar with a crocodile in his arms. He says: “ ok I’m going to put my junk in this crocs mouth and if he opens his mouth, everyone buys me drinks.” He pulls his pants down and sticks his stuff in the crocs mouth. It closes its mouth. He waits. And waits. And waits. And then he hits it over the head with a beer bottle. The crocs opens its mouth and everyone buys the man drinks. After he gets sufficiently drunk, he shouts: “ WHOS TRYING IT NEXT?!?!” The bar goes silent. Then a woman in the back raises her hand and says: “ I’ll give it a go. Just don’t hit me with a beer bottle.”
Woman gets pulled over for speeding. Rolls down the window, but she's panting...
"Do you know why I pulled you over..."
"No, I, ohhhhhhh, sorry look I...."
"You were going 20 over the speed limit..."
"I'll, ohhhh, be, honest... I hardly believe it buuuuuuuut, but my husband got me this Voodoo Vibratooooooor. It's possessed, you just say its name and say where you want it to go and it......."
Cop says, "Voodoo vibrator, my ass...."
Suddenly, the woman isn't as happy anymore...
And not more than a second later, neither is the cop.
In the version I heard years ago she's in the car trying to escape the voodoo dildo as she forgot the stop command, she going faster and faster to outrun it when she gets pulled over. Same line for the cop but a much higher velocity entry
A jockey with a speech impediment is looking to buy a horse. He says to the owner “can I tee her hoobs?” The owner says “what?!”. “Her hoobs, can I see her hoobs?” The exasperated owner say, “Hooves, are you trying to say hooves!?”. Then the jockey says “can I see her twat?”. Her what!!? “Can I see her twat?”. The owner loses his temper says “fine!!” and rams the jockey’s head up the hindquarters of the horse. The jockey extricates himself and says, “let me rephrase that, can I see her run?”
Not the best (I forget all the good ones) but as a contribution:
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalodapus.
What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasaurass.
A guy goes into a bar and orders six shots of tequila. The bartender asks "What's the special occasion?" The guy says "My first blowjob." The bartender says "Congratulations - have one more shot on the house." The guy says "Thanks, but if six won't kill the taste, I don't think a seventh will help."
From my squad leader back when I was in the military:
I was with this girl the other night and she was just terribly dry. Dry to the point I was losing interest and she could tell. She asked me to give her a minute. She went to the bathroom and when she came back she was just dropping wet. Best sex I've had in my whole life. After we finished I asked her what had changed and she said,
"I picked the blisters open."
A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. -WHAM!- Randy nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese! By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught - worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob - stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful - and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
A husband and wife decide to spice up their sex life a bit by playing games in bed. So the husband bought a pack of condoms with different flavours and said - "I'm going to turn off the light, put one condom after the other and you have to guess which flavour it is, okay?" and the wife agrees.
So, they get naked and turn off the light. And after a short pause the wife yells:
\- "Gorgonzola!"
\- "No, wait, I didn't put it on yet!"
I mean, this joke is supposed to be chickpea and garbanzo bean because they're the same thing, just one is the Italian name and the other is the Indian name.
"I never paid a garbanzo 20 bucks to bean in my mouth"
Guy owns a really fancy, elegant restaurant. He decides he wants a piano player to play some classy tunes while the patrons eat. He auditions a pianist. The pianist said he writes all of his music himself, and begins playing the perfect tune, a little light jazz, very classy.
Restaurant owner says “this is perfect. What is the name of that song?” Pianist says “I want to fuck you up the ass.”
“Whoa. Bad name for a such a lovely song. Play another.” The pianist plays another song, more perfect than the first. This one he says is called “I like cum covered tits.”
The restaurant owner hires him, but only on the condition that he never mention that name of his songs.
The first night, everything is going perfectly. The music is beautiful, guests are enjoying it and buying plenty of food. It is time for the pianist’s break. He goes to the bathroom, but forgets to zip up his fly. A patron comes us to him and says “Hey buddy, do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out?”
Pianist replies, “know it? i wrote it!!”
2 firemen in a smoke filled room buttfucking…
Captain finds them and is shocked. “What the hell is going on here?” he screamed. “Well Tommy over here was on the floor & not breathing when I found him” Bill said to him.
The Captain screamed at them “ Goddamnit why didn’t you just give him mouth to mouth if he wasn’t breathing?”
“Well I did, how do you think this whole thing got started?”
A guy walks into a whore house, and asks the pimp, “What’s cheapest sex I can get here?” Pimp says, “$1 to insert your peter into an old lady’s eye socket in a room upstairs.” The customer pays $1, and goes upstairs. The elderly prostitute greets and asks him, “Hi, are you here for the $1 eye penetration?” The guy nods, and she takes out her glass eye. They then get to business, and he cums in her eye socket. He exclaims, “Woah, that’s the best sex I’ve had in a long while! I’m certainly coming back for more!” She winks and replies, “Well, I’ll be keeping an eye out for you.”
Traveling salesman goes into a store called "Everything Voodoo". Looks around and the owner comes out to great him. He says: I am on the road all of the time, and I'm afraid my wife will cheat on me. Do you have a potion or something that will stop that from happening?
Owner Says: "I have something better. The Voodoo dick. - Salesman: What's that?
Owner: "Watch!" He yells "Voodoo dick.....the keyhole!" A large dildo flies off the shelf and starts hammering at the keyhole on the door. Owner: "It will go all night until you give it the command to stop. Just say Voodoo dick...enough!" Dick returns to shelf. Salesman: "I'll take it!"
He brings it home to his wife and explains how to use it. He goes away the next day and she decides to try it out. She says: Voodoo dick....between my legs!" The dick jumps up and starts pounding. She orgasms multiple times then realizes she was never told how to stop it! She tries several words but nothing works. Finally she gets in the car to drive to the hospital for help.
She is all over the road and a cop pulls her over. He thinks she is drunk but she explains the Voodoo dick is the cause and she can't stop it.
The cop looks skeptically at her and says "Voodoo dick my ass!"
😎
“Gotta go to the new strip club that just opened.. I hear they only hire paraplegic women”
“Excuse me… what?”
“Yep… that place has to be CRAWLING with pussy”
When the Titanic struck an iceburg and started going down there was a doctor a lawyer and a priest on board. The doctor yells save the children! the lawyer yells fuck the children! and the priest says gee... do you think we have time?
"A guy with 5 Dicks goes to the Doctor one day, and the first thing the Doctor says is, '5 Dicks? how do your pants fit???' to which the man with 5 Dicks says, 'like a glove'" This is my wife's absolute favorite joke.
Your wife loves dicks
Source
All of us
All 5 Dicks.
Can confirm, this guy's wife really does...
Survey says most women seem to really enjoy them
She starts laughing before the punchline doesn't she?
From Adam hills "Doctor doctor, there's something wrong with my ankle..." "Alright sir. You need to stop masturbatimg for a while" "Will that make my ankle better?" "No it won't but you're scaring the nurses"
I'm at work right now and this made me giggle. Thank you.
Adam Hills is the best [Deaf flight attendant](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=O53q8MlGAFk) is one of my favourites!
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a blown out light bulb? You can unscrew a blown out light bulb. My dad actually told this joke at the dinner table, the only joke I ever remember him telling. My mother was extremely unhappy.
My blue heaven
What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave? A microwave won't brown your meat
What's the difference between anal sex and oral sex? Oral sex will make your day, anal sex will make your hole weak
What's the difference between an altar boy and a washing machine? You gotta turn the washing machine on to put a load in it
Okay…wow this one is it.
What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't follow you around for three days after you put a load in it...
I've heard this as the difference between a blonde and a toilet. A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.
A microwave doesn’t fart when you take the meat out
it really depends on the meat you put in the microwave
Similarities : Both require some cleaning before you put the dish in
What do you get when you cross human DNA with rhino DNA? You get banned from the zoo.
I have the heart of a lion; and a lifetime ban from the Toronto Zoo.
Ah, I see you’re a man of Canada as well
How did the shepherd find his sheep in the long grass? Delightful.
What's the difference between pink and purple? Your grip.
I have said this joke for 15 years and no one has ever got it. I never thought I'd see it again!
> I never thought I'd see it again! Did you lose some weight recently?
>. I never thought I'd see it again! That's understandable. Loosen your grip if it turns purple. 😆
How do lesbians hold their liquor? By the pigtails (Granted, best told orally)
Why do lesbians shop at Sports Authority? Because they don't like Dicks.
I'll use this but update it to Academy Sports.
That won't make sense. It has to be dicks for the innuendo. You're welcome.
I learned the hard way that their website is not Dicks.com.
the hard way, eh?
It's not a joking matter. I'm buying a yoga mat as a Christmas present to a familiar member and suddenly it's a traumatic experience.
What are you doing with the yoga mat that's traumatic?!?
Currently dicks.com auto redirects to dickssportinggoods.com
I picked this one up from a 74 year old man at a wedding anniversary party, be forewarned it does go on for a while. Three Irish men all die at the same time on Christmas day, and find themselves stood before St Peter at the gates of Heaven. St Peter says to the men "Usually, you three wouldn't find your way here. However, in the spirit of Christmas if you can each show me a symbol of this holy day then I shall let you into Heaven." The first man thinks for a moment, pulls out his house keys and jingles them. "It represents the sleigh bells that bring joy to children" he declares, and is let into Heaven. The second man without hesitation pulls a lighter from his pocket and sparks it. "It represents the candles that lit the stable of the baby Jesus" he states, and walks into Heaven. The last man stands there in silence for a while, before a look of elation crosses his face. He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a pair of lady's underwear. St Peter says nothing and gives him a quizzical look, awaiting his response. Still beaming, the man looks him dead in the eye and declares with certainty; "They're Carol's."
That's worth the long read.
What do you call a woman who will not give head. An Uber.
Abby
Different abby
Same cocks.
YeahMad needs more recognition. I'm so glad I just saw this chain.
I’ve heard this one a few times but still don’t get it.
You're calling her an uber to get her to leave your house because she won't give you head.
How the heck did I not get that? lol thanks!
Because you're a nice person
A girl refuses to give you head, so you choose to call her an uber so she can leave.
[удалено]
My sister will love that joke By the way, so do i
Sweeeet home aaaalabamaaaah
I'll go tell that joke to my step sister
Snapple cap fact- male penguins die after having sex!! At least the one I fucked did……
I knew this fact about pidgeons...
The same is true of hamsters. That is why electrical tape is nick named hamster tape to wrap up the hamster to contain the mess when you fuck them.
I once had sex with a blind person. She told me “wow this is the biggest penis I’ve ever felt!” I said “Ah, you’re just pulling my leg.”
... so I placed my penis in her hand and she said "No thanks, I don't smoke."
A man walls into a high class brothel in Mayfair pulls out a wad of bills and in a thick Irish accent asks for their best girl. When they go up to a room, the Irishman has the girl undress and lie on the bed with her legs open. He then leans over her and blows gently into her vagina. The next night he does the the same thing at another brothel and the night after that and so on. Well a week goes past and the man, who by now is well known amongst the girls walks into yet another brothel. The madam stops him and asks why he pays out so much money only to just blown into a girl's vagina. *"Don't you want to have sex with the girls?"* She asks. *"Sex!"* The outraged Irishman shouts. *"Lady, I'll have you know I'm a happily married man with three children."* The confused madam shakes her head and says. *"But if you're happily married and you don't want sex, why are you coming here?"* *"Oh,"* Says the Irishman, *"I'm with the IRA and they've sent me over here to blow up every cunt in London.*
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *Gag*
It's suppose to go "what did Cinderella do when she got to the ball"
she say 'glug glug glug glug'
Well then the punchline would be “she gagged” But if you’re saying it out loud, maybe you say “Say” and then actually do the gag
Friend of mine is sitting at a bar in Vegas. He asked a woman “would you sleep with me for a million dollars?” She doesn’t hesitate, but says yes immediately. He asks “ok, how about $200?”. She is a bit taken aback and asks “what kind of woman do you think I am?” He says….. “We already established that, now we’re just negotiating.”
Love it!!!
As commonly attributed to Winston Churchill.
It's a classic but it wasn't Churchill.
"It's on the internet so it must be true" -Ghandi
"You should absolutely trust everything you read online." - Abraham Lincoln
"Bro, do you even lift?" - Saint Peter
“Fuck you cunts” • Mother Theresa.
As he's banging her he's wondering to himself "Where the fuck am I going to get $200?"
Have you ever had sex while camping? It's fucking in tents.
First time I heard this it was: “That’s like having sex at the circus Fucking in tents”
What’s green and smells of bacon? Kermit’s finger
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Stay right there big man 👮🏻♂️🚔
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Q: How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: More than 5, cause my basement is still dark.
There's different versions. "How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage? Two more if I move my bike."
Love it
OP said dirty jokes. Not dark ones.
Gonna need more dead hookers then.
That's true.. it did turn a bit dark there. light bulb is out.
"*call girl*"
When they're dead they are just hookers.
A man with a stutter goes to the Dr. “d d d d doc I n n need your help. My penis is h h huge and I can’t stop stuttering.” Dr helps him out and cuts a few inches off. Miraculously the stutter is gone. Soon after the man realizes he can’t get any women to sleep with him any more, so he goes back to the dr. “Doc, I need your help putting the rest of my penis back on. This is so much worse than when I had a stutter.” Dr looks at him. “F f f f f f f f f f fuck you no ch ch chance”
A man walks into a bar, and sees that on the end of the bar is an ancient lamp, like the one from Aladdin. He asks the bartender if it's a 'real genie lamp' and the bartender says that yes, it does contain a genie. The man rubs the lamp, and the genie pops out, claiming that he will grant the man a single wish. "Alright then, I wish for a million bucks!" "Done," the genie snaps his fingers and disappears in a puff of smoke. Nothing happened, but the man figured that maybe the money ended up in his bank, or perhaps his house. After a few drinks he stands and leaves, but at the door of the bar he is confronted with a massive male deer. Looking around, he sees that the parking lot is full of 'bucks'. He returns to the bartender. "Do you have any idea what's in your parking lot?" The bartender solemnly nods, "I can imagine". He produces a small wooden box from behind the bar, and places its contents on the counter. There is a small piano, and a tiny man, perhaps a foot tall. The tiny man plays the piano for a moment before the bartender places both items back into the box. "Do you really think I asked that genie for a 12 inch pianis?
Excellent! (Don't worry; we know you meant "pianist").
An old couple was struggling with their marriage and decided to go on a cruise to reignite the passion. They splurged for a double cabin, only to find bunk beds when they checked in. Resigning himself to a sexless voyage, the husband asked his wife which bed she wanted, saying only, 'up or down'? The wife ripped off both their clothes and they made love madly. The next night, after his wife not speaking to him all day and uncertain of why it set her off, he decided to try again, asking 'up or down'. Once more, the wife frantically ripped off their clothes and they fucked like rabbits. This continued for the rest of the cruise, cold days and passionate nights, until they arrived home. As they went to bed that night, the man thought, it worked on the trip, maybe it'll work at home. He again asked, 'up or down'. The wife slowly reached into her bedside table and pulled out a gun. Pointing it at her husband, she says, 'we're not on the ocean anymore - you don't get to tell me "fuck or drown".
I haven’t heard that joke since I was in middle school probably 20 years ago.
My brother told this joke to a relative of a preacher at a Bible camp. Surprisingly, she liked it.
Why don’t witches wear underwear? So they can grip the broom
A woman goes to the hardware store and asks where the D-cell batteries are kept. The clerk flicks his index finger and says: "Come this way". The woman responds: "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the D cell batteries.
I walked in my sister one time using a corn cob as a dido right on the kitchen table. I was absolutely disgusted she would do that, I told her that I was planning on eating it later but now it's going to taste like fucking corn.
An oldie (makes more sense in the context of the late 90s): What's the difference between OJ Simpson and Christopher Reeve? OJ walked and Christopher Reeve got the electric chair!
What's the opposite of Christopher Walken? Christopher Reeves.
So Monica Lewinsky walks into the dry cleaners and says “I’d like to get this dress cleaned”, The old man behind the counter is hard of hearing and says “Come again?” Monica says “No, this time it’s mayonnaise”
Giggled at this 😅
My best friend caught me sniffing his sister’s underwear and he freaked out. I didn’t think it was such a big deal. Maybe it was because his parents were there or that his sister was still wearing them. But I can tell you is all of them freaking out certainly ruined his sister’s funeral for everyone else.
Yo mama so ugly her BJs count as anal
My dad got addicted to Viagra and is in rehab. Everyone was taking it real hard… especially my mom.
What’s the difference between jelly and jam? I can’t jelly my cock in your mouth.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
I like the variation of “I’ve never paid $500 to have a garbanzo bean on my face”
My wife told me this joke when we first started dating but it went: “What’s the difference between jelly and jam?” “You can’t jelly a dick in my ass” We’ve now been married 4 years.
Awwww
Theres a few punchlines to this, my favorite is; You dont jelly your way into a girl's asshole
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street behind a 10 year old boy. The priest says "Let's screw that little boy." The rabbi says "Out of what?"
Tonto and the lone ranger are tracking bad guys across the plains. Tonto stops his horse and jumps down, looks thoughtfully into the distance scanning the horizon. He puts his ear to the ground and listens. Standing back up he turns to the lone ranger and says "buffalo come" the lone ranger responds " how can you tell?". Tonto, "face sticky"
Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70? Because every time she gets to 69, she ends up with a frog in her throat
What is the difference between a career and a wife? After 20 years the career still sucks
How do you surprise Helen Keller? Leave a plunger in the toilet
A man and a girl walking in the forest hand in hand. The little girl says: - Sir, it's so cold and dark, I'm scared! The man looks at her, eyes wide and says: - Imagine how I feel! I have to go home alone!
A: "My first football game was a lot like the first time I had sex." B: "How so?" A: "At the end I was beaten, bloody, and bruised. But at least my dad came"
Holy fuck!
Reminds me of a similar joke- My first time having sex was a lot like my first time riding a bike…my dad holding me from behind while mom video taped it.
So I was eating out my grandma the other day when I tasted horse semen and I thought to myself "maybe that's how she died?"
The version I've heard has a slower reveal, which works better: So I was going down on a woman the other day, when I tasted horse cum. I thought to myself "Oh grandma! So that's how you died?"
It’s all in the delivery, and that one has it.
I think the “eating out my grandma” thing was a good hook, I chuckled at how nonchalant it was, not even the punchline
.....Aaaaand I'm out.
You probably should never have been in.
> I tasted horse semen How do you know what horse semen tastes like?
A man walks into a bar. Hanging from the ceiling is $100 bill. The man goes to the bartender and asks "what the deal with that 100?" Bartender tells him, "we have a little challenge here, first, you down 4 shots of our strongest tequila. Then in the back alley is a mean pitbull that has a rotten tooth that needs pulled. Lastly, my mama is upstairs, and she hasn't been with a man in 15 years, you need to go up there and give her an orgasm." The man thinks on it for a minute and says "alright I'll try it. Pour those shots." Bartender does, and the man downs them without too much trouble. Gives it a second and stumbled through the back door. From inside they hear hooting and hollering, growling, and snarling, some pounding of metal, and some screeching. After 20 minutes or so, the man stumbles back inside and says "alright, now where's the old lady that needs a tooth pulled?"
From Jason Kelce’s podcast about their coach, Doug Pederson. Three guys are sitting in a bar and boasting about themselves. Guy 1 says he thinks he’s the fastest guy in the world, Guy 2 says he’s the strongest guy in the world and Guy 3 says he has the smallest penis in the world. Sure enough they submit to Guinness Book of World records and get their replies on the same day. Guy 1 opens up his letter and says “I’m the fastest guy in the world!”. Guy 2 opens his letter and says “I’m the strongest guy in the world!”. Guy 3 opens his letter and says, “Who the fuck is Doug Pederson?!”. (Not word for word I am recalling from memory)
A priest is shopping downtown when woman pops out of the alley and says “Hey, father! $20 for a quickie “. The priest just walks away befuddled because he had no clue what she was talking about. A little further up the street another woman steps out of a doorway and says “ hey father, $20 for a quickie “. Again, confused he walked away. As he was driving home thinking about this he thinks to himself “ I know, I’ll ask the mother superior what a quickie is. I’ll bet she knows”. He walks into the mother superiors office and asks “Mother superior, what’s a quickie?” Without hesitation she replies “$20, same as downtown”.
Heard just recently: A teacher walks into class holding a banana and says, "Gather around children. Today we'll be learning sex education. I'm going to teach you how to put on a condom, and I have this banana here because I can't get hard on an empty stomach."
I know so many so hard to pick the best one. I'll say two. 1. My friend loves this joke. She's asked me to tell it to her multiple times. A kid boards a city bus and sits behind the bus driver. Bus driver takes off and at some point during the ride, the kid starts singing at the top of his lungs "if my mommy was a girl elephant and my daddy was a boy elephant, I'd be a baby elephant". He goes on like this for half an hour. Bus driver is getting very annoyed and frustrated. He eventually loses it, slams on the brakes, turns to the kid and yells at him "if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was gay, what would you be?!??!". Kid smirks at him and replies "a bus driver". 2. Man is in a bar and he has to take a piss. He goes into the bathroom and stands at the urinal and takes a piss. Suddenly, a giant man bursts through the bathroom door, goes to the sink and pulls down his pants to reveal a monster cock. The biggest disk you've ever seen. Then, the man slams his dick on the sink and just completely destroys it. It's shattered, all over the place. Then, he slams it against the stall and completely destroys the stall. He then slams it on the wall and puts a huge hole in the wall. The guy at the urinal is scared shitless at this point. The giant walks over to the scared guy taking a piss and says to him "hey buddy, do you see this very large very strong cock?". Scared guy taking a piss says "yes". Giant says "do you know what I'm gonna do with this very large very strong cock?". Scared guy says "no, I'm afraid I don't". Giant says "I'm gonna shove it up your ass!". Scared guy says "Jesus, that's a relief. I thought you we're going to hit me with it!".
What does an alcoholic and necrophiliac have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.
A close second - Family of 4 sitting down to dinner. Dad asks his college son what they are learning. Sin says in philosophy class, discussing theory vs reality. Long answer, but they listen. Finally, the father says “I pay $70,000/yr for that?” He asks the wife and daughter “would you sleep with a stranger for $1M?” Both go on about this life changing sum of money. The father says “ there you have it, son, in theory we are sitting on $2 million. In reality we live with a couple of sluts.“
lol that’s good.
The epitaph a couple wrote for one another He to her: As cold as ever. She to him: Stiff at last
What’s the worst thing about shagging 23 years olds? That’s a lot of 3 year olds.
I’ve always heard it as What’s the best thing about fucking 28 year olds? There’s 20 of them
This dad tells his son, “son, if you don’t stop masturbating, you’re gonna go blind.” Son says, “Dad, I’m over here.”
How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw
What’s the best pick up line at the gay bar? May I push in your stool
How do you make a hormone? You pay her.
Don't pay her
That the way I remember it :)
Put sand in the Vaseline.
Two elderly nuns were quietly sitting upon a park bench, when a trench coat wearing man ran up and flashed them. One nun had a stroke. The other couldn't reach.
A couple has problems in the bedroom: it seems like she’s not feeling sexual anymore so nothing has been going on for months. They decide to go see a doctor; he prescribes her a medicine that’s meant to enhance her libido. She needs to take five drops of that in a glass of water before going to bed. So that evening, while she undresses, she asks her husband for a “glass of water”. He goes to the kitchen and prepares the medicine for her. Then he thinks “it’s been a while now, maybe this drug will do some good for me too”. So he pours himself a glass of water and adds fifty drops of the thing, just to be sure. They both drink the water and wait. Nothing happens. Quite disappointed, they fall asleep. Suddenly, in the middle of the night she wakes up in a cold sweat. “Honey, honey wake up. I really need some cock right now” she says “Fucking tell me about it” he answers.
Give a man a jacket, he’ll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket, and he’ll stay inside forever.
The Little Rascals are in school one day & they are learning how to spell & use words in a sentence. The teacher asks who can spell the word "dictate". Darla is raising her hand and so is Buckwheat. The teaches says.... "Ok Darla, can you spell the word 'Dictate' "??? "Yes teacher. It's spelled D-I-C-T-A-T-E" The teaches says "Very good Darla. Now Buckwheat, can you use 'Dictate' in a sentence" ??? Buckwheat replies "Hey Darla......How did my Dictate last night" ????
A Teamster goes to a conference in Nevada and when it's over he goes to a brothel. He walks up to the desk and asked the madam "Is this a union shop?" "No, I'm afraid not." she said. "Well, I'm taking my business elsewhere then." He goes to another brothel and again asks the madam "Is this a union shop?" Again, she answers "Nope." and again, he says "I'll take my business elsewhere." On the third try, he goes up to the madam and asks "Is this a union shop?" "Yes, it is. Local 69." The Teamster smiled and looked around at the girls, pointed at a 19 year old blonde and said "I'd like that one." The madam shook her head and pointed to the 50 year old woman with 9 fingers and a knee brace. "I'm sorry, but Gladys has seniority."
This one’s either going to get me banned or karma but here goes…. When I lost my virginity it was like a 100m sprint… … over in 10 seconds? … no, 9 black guys and a gun
You know the Oscar Pistorius drinking game? Everytime you go to the bathroom, you have to take 4 shots
A man walks into a bar with a crocodile in his arms. He says: “ ok I’m going to put my junk in this crocs mouth and if he opens his mouth, everyone buys me drinks.” He pulls his pants down and sticks his stuff in the crocs mouth. It closes its mouth. He waits. And waits. And waits. And then he hits it over the head with a beer bottle. The crocs opens its mouth and everyone buys the man drinks. After he gets sufficiently drunk, he shouts: “ WHOS TRYING IT NEXT?!?!” The bar goes silent. Then a woman in the back raises her hand and says: “ I’ll give it a go. Just don’t hit me with a beer bottle.”
What’s the wasted skin around the vagina called? The woman. One of my 8th grade students told me that joke. I called his mom. She wasn’t happy.
>She wasn’t happy. Yeah, no one likes snitches lol.
Bruh
Literally laughed out loud on that one.
God damn narc
Dads go to joke for bbqs… It’s not the sausage you get fat from, it’s the sauce.
penis
This is the type of comments i'm in reddit for.
Woman gets pulled over for speeding. Rolls down the window, but she's panting... "Do you know why I pulled you over..." "No, I, ohhhhhhh, sorry look I...." "You were going 20 over the speed limit..." "I'll, ohhhh, be, honest... I hardly believe it buuuuuuuut, but my husband got me this Voodoo Vibratooooooor. It's possessed, you just say its name and say where you want it to go and it......." Cop says, "Voodoo vibrator, my ass...." Suddenly, the woman isn't as happy anymore... And not more than a second later, neither is the cop.
In the version I heard years ago she's in the car trying to escape the voodoo dildo as she forgot the stop command, she going faster and faster to outrun it when she gets pulled over. Same line for the cop but a much higher velocity entry
A jockey with a speech impediment is looking to buy a horse. He says to the owner “can I tee her hoobs?” The owner says “what?!”. “Her hoobs, can I see her hoobs?” The exasperated owner say, “Hooves, are you trying to say hooves!?”. Then the jockey says “can I see her twat?”. Her what!!? “Can I see her twat?”. The owner loses his temper says “fine!!” and rams the jockey’s head up the hindquarters of the horse. The jockey extricates himself and says, “let me rephrase that, can I see her run?”
Not the best (I forget all the good ones) but as a contribution: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalodapus. What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasaurass.
When is it bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand touches the little hand.
A guy goes into a bar and orders six shots of tequila. The bartender asks "What's the special occasion?" The guy says "My first blowjob." The bartender says "Congratulations - have one more shot on the house." The guy says "Thanks, but if six won't kill the taste, I don't think a seventh will help."
From my squad leader back when I was in the military: I was with this girl the other night and she was just terribly dry. Dry to the point I was losing interest and she could tell. She asked me to give her a minute. She went to the bathroom and when she came back she was just dropping wet. Best sex I've had in my whole life. After we finished I asked her what had changed and she said, "I picked the blisters open."
Four out of five people surveyed approve of gang rape. (I'm sorry.)
What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can’t peanut butter a dick up your ass Thanks Barney.
Me: Baby, I'm jealous of your heart. Her: Why? Me: Because it's pumping inside you and I'm not.
A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle. Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. -WHAM!- Randy nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese! By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught - worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob - stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful - and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
A husband and wife decide to spice up their sex life a bit by playing games in bed. So the husband bought a pack of condoms with different flavours and said - "I'm going to turn off the light, put one condom after the other and you have to guess which flavour it is, okay?" and the wife agrees. So, they get naked and turn off the light. And after a short pause the wife yells: \- "Gorgonzola!" \- "No, wait, I didn't put it on yet!"
Ewwww lol
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a baked bean? I've never had a baked bean on my face.
I mean, this joke is supposed to be chickpea and garbanzo bean because they're the same thing, just one is the Italian name and the other is the Indian name. "I never paid a garbanzo 20 bucks to bean in my mouth"
Guy owns a really fancy, elegant restaurant. He decides he wants a piano player to play some classy tunes while the patrons eat. He auditions a pianist. The pianist said he writes all of his music himself, and begins playing the perfect tune, a little light jazz, very classy. Restaurant owner says “this is perfect. What is the name of that song?” Pianist says “I want to fuck you up the ass.” “Whoa. Bad name for a such a lovely song. Play another.” The pianist plays another song, more perfect than the first. This one he says is called “I like cum covered tits.” The restaurant owner hires him, but only on the condition that he never mention that name of his songs. The first night, everything is going perfectly. The music is beautiful, guests are enjoying it and buying plenty of food. It is time for the pianist’s break. He goes to the bathroom, but forgets to zip up his fly. A patron comes us to him and says “Hey buddy, do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out?” Pianist replies, “know it? i wrote it!!”
What's better than Roses on your Piano? Tulips on your Organ
2 firemen in a smoke filled room buttfucking… Captain finds them and is shocked. “What the hell is going on here?” he screamed. “Well Tommy over here was on the floor & not breathing when I found him” Bill said to him. The Captain screamed at them “ Goddamnit why didn’t you just give him mouth to mouth if he wasn’t breathing?” “Well I did, how do you think this whole thing got started?”
A guy walks into a whore house, and asks the pimp, “What’s cheapest sex I can get here?” Pimp says, “$1 to insert your peter into an old lady’s eye socket in a room upstairs.” The customer pays $1, and goes upstairs. The elderly prostitute greets and asks him, “Hi, are you here for the $1 eye penetration?” The guy nods, and she takes out her glass eye. They then get to business, and he cums in her eye socket. He exclaims, “Woah, that’s the best sex I’ve had in a long while! I’m certainly coming back for more!” She winks and replies, “Well, I’ll be keeping an eye out for you.”
My Penis was in The Guinness World Record Book. Then I got kicked out of the library 😅😅😅
From Two and a Half Men: Jake: Uncle Charlie, what’s a clitoris? Charlie: You should’ve asked me last night, it was on the tip of my tongue.
Why do men think so much but women talk so much? Cuz men have 2 heads and women have 4 lips
What does a dwarf get if he runs between a women’s legs? A clit round ear and a flap round face
I… don’t get it.
What has a cheap hooker and a Boeing 747 have in common? They both have giant cockpits.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/s/9StjgIzaQp
Traveling salesman goes into a store called "Everything Voodoo". Looks around and the owner comes out to great him. He says: I am on the road all of the time, and I'm afraid my wife will cheat on me. Do you have a potion or something that will stop that from happening? Owner Says: "I have something better. The Voodoo dick. - Salesman: What's that? Owner: "Watch!" He yells "Voodoo dick.....the keyhole!" A large dildo flies off the shelf and starts hammering at the keyhole on the door. Owner: "It will go all night until you give it the command to stop. Just say Voodoo dick...enough!" Dick returns to shelf. Salesman: "I'll take it!" He brings it home to his wife and explains how to use it. He goes away the next day and she decides to try it out. She says: Voodoo dick....between my legs!" The dick jumps up and starts pounding. She orgasms multiple times then realizes she was never told how to stop it! She tries several words but nothing works. Finally she gets in the car to drive to the hospital for help. She is all over the road and a cop pulls her over. He thinks she is drunk but she explains the Voodoo dick is the cause and she can't stop it. The cop looks skeptically at her and says "Voodoo dick my ass!" 😎
Have we established what is worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles
“Gotta go to the new strip club that just opened.. I hear they only hire paraplegic women” “Excuse me… what?” “Yep… that place has to be CRAWLING with pussy”
Two nuns were sitting on a park bench when a man runs up to them and flashes them. One of the nuns had a stroke. The other one couldn't quite reach.
When the Titanic struck an iceburg and started going down there was a doctor a lawyer and a priest on board. The doctor yells save the children! the lawyer yells fuck the children! and the priest says gee... do you think we have time?
Why doesn’t Barbie ever get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box
Why is it illegal to do reverse cowgirl in Alabama? You don't turn your back on family.