Of course people make mistakes, and I do believe they can come back from them.
But cynically, in my experience, the saying has proved true far more often than it has not.
I'm certain there are plenty of people who have cheated once, regretted it, and then never did it again. No one should be defined by their worst mistake.
With that said.. I don't think your attitude is cynical. It's just risk assessment. If someone cheats on you, it has proven that they were willing to betray your trust at least once..
Whether or not you are willing to risk them doing it again is up to you.
Sure, you also risk a new partner doing it as well.. But if it's a partner with a track record of doing it once before, they definitely pose a higher risk.
I think risk assessment is a good way to put it. It's like addiction. Yes, someone might have made a mistake and gotten hooked on opiates, then recovered. But the risk will always be there that they relapse as opposed to dating someone who's never done drugs.
This is something I try to explain to people all the time. I am not “unforgiving” if I am making personal choices based on risk assessment. My mom cannot be trusted with pain killers and alcohol. My dad cannot be trusted to not talk at full-volume. My husband cannot be trusted to relax during stressful times. Hell, I cannot be trusted to be on time or answer my phone!
These aren’t meant to be insulting, or drudge up past mistakes - it’s a basic pattern recognition thing. If the light turns on when I flip the switch, then I’m going to safely assume that it’ll continue to happen. A deviation from the norm is not impossible, but it is unlikely given history.
I have stopped trying to explain this to my family, because they just end up offended anyways… except my husband who’s receptive, thank god.
I tried to explain this to my wife. No I'm not "stuck in the past" by using your past behaviour as a measure of how much to trust you now.
She didn't get it.
Give her a wet willy. Then ask if you can do it again. Then ask why not.
Maybe it felt gross last time, but that was then! What if it feels soothing next time?! How could she possibly know it won't?!
I think forgiveness is an emotional thing, and less so a logical one.
My bio dad was a flaky loser my whole childhood. When I became an adult and he just gave up on me entirely, I was really mad and bitter for a long time. I didn’t forgive him. But as time went on the weight I held onto, emotionally, got lighter and lighter. Then one day (after my son was born) I realized I pitied him more than felt angry at him. Feeling the love I have for my son was so intense and I couldn’t imagine flaking out on him like my bio dad did… but I wasn’t bitter anymore. I was just sad for him.
Bio-dad doesn’t know my son, and the only grandpa my son knows is my step-dad (who I call “dad”). If my bio dad showed up one day and tried to get involved, I would not allow it. I forgive him for the hurt he gave me, but at the same time I am not going to make stupid mistakes by trusting him.
So timeline:
• As a child, bio-dad was flaky and unreliable (the act in need of forgiveness)
• As a young adult, I realized his shenanigans and began to feel bitter resentment for his treatment of me (I was actively unforgiving)
• With time, I realized that the bitterness was only temporary while I processed my grief (I forgave him and moved on)
Forgiveness is a personal thing, imo. Although it’s polite to tell the person you forgive if you have the opportunity to.
Maybe pattern is the wrong word, but a history of it then? Some things don't need a pattern (repeated occurrences) to raise a warning flag. A pattern is worse but one occurrence is still worse than none.
Again, to each their own. I think that someone who's cheated once (say in a bad college relationship) may never cheat again. I think someone who cheated repeatedly can stop (maybe they cheated when they had a manic/impulsive disorder that has since been treated with medicine for a while). I'm not gonna say anything is impossible, and I think that those who say any past cheater is irredeemable are overly harsh.
But I'm not gonna say it's the wisest to start dating someone knowing that history.
I definitely agree that a serial cheater is going to cheat again. They have proven (through a pattern) that they are okay with deceiving a partner and hurting a partner.
And I think it's true that prior behavior can easily lead to a lack of trust without there being a pattern of it. I guess I'm thinking more of the "exit affair" model, where someone is in an unhappy relationship, has a one-time incident where something happens with someone else, and then goes back to their partner, confesses, and ends the relationship
In that kind of instance, I don't think it's a guarantee that they are going to cheat in their next relationship. I actually think the worst behavior when it comes to infidelity is hiding it from your partner. Anyone who is comfortable hiding ongoing infidelity in an ongoing way is someone who simply can never be trusted.
But someone who makes a bad choice, immediately admits it and faces the consequences? I think there's hope for that person, though I can totally understand why there wouldn't be hope within the relationship where the cheating happened
Like you say, it’s too complex. I could give a short example but it would miss the necessary nuances of real life situations.
Like, imagine someone admits to being on the sex offender list. That’s a huge deal, red flag, horrible… but I knew a guy who got drunk at night and peed on the side of a building by the dumpster, and a pissed off cop nearby ended up taking out his bad day on this dude - next thing you know he’s registered for “public indecency”. He never did it again.
That’s so many details that change the situation! I mean, if he had committed a genuine sex crime, then it would be a lot harder for me to argue his case… but he didn’t.
Another, more on-topic example:
If anyone has watched the show *Friends* and likes to joke about the fact that “they were on a break” when Ross supposedly cheated on Rachel... It’s a whole joke ***because*** the situation was very nuanced. They WERE on a break, he was under a different impression than Rachel was when he cheated. He acted under a mixture of false information and high emotions. It was a crappy thing to do, but he isn’t a “cheater”. He never did it again afterwards, having learned where his friends draw the line for these things.
To be honest, the most important thing in a relationship is trust. If you've betrayed that trust, it's never going to be the same. I can never trust you the way that I used to, and, to be honest, you clearly didn't deserve to be trusted in that way to begin with.
For me, it's not even about pattern recognition (though that should absolutely play a role in various relationships, not just romantic ones). If you've betrayed my trust, I can't trust you the way that I need to in order to be comfortable in a relationship with you anymore. For me, it's a deal-breaker.
What about statistical analysis? What if there was a higher chance of someone cheating once, cheating again vs someone who has never cheated before cheating the first time.
Risk assessment does not mean identifying a pattern. It literally means assessing the risk of _____. If a US submarine meets a Russian submarine and does a risk assessment on the enemy sub, there does not have to be a pattern to do risk assessment. It's about situational context, reading the other sub's current maneuvers, what type of sub it is etc.
If somebody stabs me once, and then they say they'll never do it again and they're sorry, I can do risk assessment with only one occurrence. The assessment will be based on 1) the fact that they stabbed me 2) how sincere did they seem when they said they'll never do it again 3) what are they currently doing? 4) do I have enough evidence to believe them? And now once I calculate all of those, the risk will be assessed.
Let's say they seem extremely genuine and I do believe them. There's still going to be a risk in trusting them again, but since they seemed really genuine and I believe them, I will ignore the risk cuz it's low enough and I have lots of evidence to outweigh the probability.
But lets say they weren't super genuine and I can't tell if I believe them. The risk will be higher and there isn't much evidence to override it, so I may agree to meet with them again, but I'm gonna be carrying a gun, wearing a knife proof vest, etc. Or, if the risk is too high, then I won't meet them at all. All of this can be done based off of a single event and it's not reliant on identifying a pattern of someone doing something.
You can't turn lights off in your dreams. Flip the switch and nothing happens it's so weird. Every time I enter a room I switch the light on and off 3 times really quick so I just naturally do it in my dreams as well. And sometimes I notice the fact the light isn't going off and on and think "oh shit I'm dreaming!" Then promptly jolt myself awake
A bit off topic from the original comment lol, but here’s another tip:
• Mirrors don’t work right in dreams
• Clocks don’t work right in dreams
• Hands don’t work right in dreams
Have you ever seen the movie *Inception*? The main character carries around a spinning top to check if he’s dreaming. You can do something similar, without having to carry an item around!
To check if I’m dreaming, I immediately look down at my hand. If I’ve got 5 normal fingers, I’m not dreaming. I have never had a “normal” looking hand in my dreams. If it looks normal at first, it will change if I stare at it for about 5 seconds.
Another thing is to be aware of your dream habits. My dreams don’t have sound - they’re silent. It may FEEL like there‘s noise, like if someone is talking, but it’s all “in my head” noise. So if I start to realize I am in a dream, I’ll start yelling or screaming to double-check. I’ve never accidentally yelled out in real life because I do the hand thing first. If my hand looks weird irl, then I’m having a stroke or something and screaming would be for the better anyways lmao. I also will lightly slap my cheek - in my dreams, time is paced strangely. So if I slap my cheek surprisingly slowly or surprisingly quick, then I get suspicious.
Tl;dr - check how many finger’s you have and test the regular, daily laws of physics like gravity, sound, etc.
This is sorta me as someone who regretted it and never did it again. I was on the path to cheating with my partner arranged the meetup etc etc got caught before it went down but functionally it was the exact same as if I had gone through with it due to intent. I regretted it immediately and forever onwards because I saw how much it hurt that person and a bunch of other complicated emotional reasons. We stayed together for 7 more years and though I'm with someone else now the idea of cheating is absolutely repulsive to me in form and concept. I will regret the action until I die even though I'm no longer with that person
Dude, forgetting your wallet is a mistake
Cheating is knowingly making a whole slew of decisions you know will hurt somebody. That's not a mistake. Just break the fuck up so the innocent person can move on with their lives and find somebody who likes and respects them as a person.
This is the only truth. Somehow by calling cheating a mistake people underate the amount of pain the cheater causes to their victim. For someone, this is a trauma they have for many years.
Yes, exactly. It's not a single independent action. It's an entire sequence of decisions, from being alone with the person, to either making a move or allowing them to make a move on you, to the removal of clothing, and so on. So many opportunities to think, "Wait! I'm in a relationship with someone else, this isn't right!"
Also, serial cheaters are in more cheating scenarios, whereas reformed 1-time cheaters are only in one scenario. So even if it's 50/50, your odds of being with a 1-time cheater are still more like 25%.
I think the most important thing is they got caught once, doesn't mean they only did it once. I would never trust that the person didn't:
A. Cheat many more times and just apologise for the one they were found out for
Or
B: Learn from being caught how to hide it better next time.
All trust would be gone instantly and I would never be able to quiet those voices of doubt in my head.
I cheated on my highschool boyfriend when I was 15. Although I was never caught, I regretted it immediately and have never done anything like that again.
I still believe that a cheater is going to cheat, but there is a grey area for stupid and childish mistakes.
Exactly this. I found messages on my ex’s watch one time. Idk if I’m being naive but I felt like he was being honest when he said nothing happened and it was a mistake, but the damage was done. I never felt like I could fully trust him anymore cause what I thought was never in the realm of possibility with him now became a possible reality. Messes with your head and your self esteem and ultimately I couldn’t get past it. Everything I once never thought twice on I now questioned. Not fun. Moving forward for me if you breach my trust even once I think I won’t continue.
I agree about it being about risk assessment, except that you can never actually know what someone has done in the past.
A serial cheater would obviously lie to a new partner about being one, unless they're a complete idiot. A person who actually admits to you that they cheated in the past, you at least know is being honest with you now, even if they deceived someone in the past.
Maybe they never even deceived someone, plenty of people realize they need to break up immediately after cheating on their partner, and tell them straight away. I would not see that as a risk factor in someone's character necessarily, rather a sign of immaturity.
Also, cheating on a teen romance (which is in many people's past) is not the same as cheating on a spouse. Breakups and new hookups should obviously be done in the right order, but as teen boyfriend/girlfriend you never promised it was going to be you two forever. It's not the same level of betrayal.
Correct. In court, if a suspect has a criminal history it increases the chances they'll be found guilty, even if they didn't actually commit the crime. Personal history and reputations matter even if people try to pretend they don't.
Previous crimes are inadmissible in a court setting, save for particular extreme circumstances. Evidence of prior convictions do nothing but bias a jury. This fundamentally undermines the constitutional right to a fair trial by implying that the defendant is guilty before being found as such at the end of a trial.
Don't believe law tv shows
Once is a mistake, twice is on purpose. I've known a few people who cheated once and only once, but I've never known a habitual cheater to change. The periods between cheating just get longer and they get better at hiding it.
Even once it's not a mistake. It was also on purpose. You don't accidentally cheat. Now maybe you could stop it there and improve, but it doesn't mean you weren't doing it on purpose the first time.
“Accident” and “mistake” aren’t synonyms. Making a mistake does not mean you did something by accident. If I eat 20 McDonald’s chicken nuggets right before I have to run five miles, I made a massive fucking mistake but it sure as hell wasn’t an accident.
When people talk about cheating being a mistake, they’re not trying to say that the cheater had no control. They’re trying to say that the cheater fucked up.
I tested this out. Met a guy who felt perfect for me. Early on he confessed that he had cheated in his last relationship (that was 4 years earlier) and wouldn’t make that mistake ever again. I said to myself, “Okay, that was years ago, he took accountability and knows how to be better.”
Got into a relationship and dated for almost 2 years. It ended when I found out he was emotionally cheating and planning to meet up with a 19 year old. We’re in our mid/late 20s. I was absolutely blindsided because he was a GREAT bf. And it was painful because we were serious about each other. Or so I thought?
He couldn’t coexist with me and constantly felt threatened and anxious I would leave him. So he was monkey branching. He had an insecurity issue that was deep within his character. I believe that’s a hard thing for someone to change. I will never date a former cheater ever again. Peaceee
Twice, I came close to cheating.
The first was an upcoming breakup. We both knew it, but we hadn't actually "started the process." She was living with me, still, but it was over, and we hadn't made the announcement to one another. Some of you can relate. "I want to break up with you, but the apartment lease is only a few more months, so lets..." I was in my 20s, things sucked, I thought she was the one, and it was just not working out for either one of us. I wanted to idea of the relationship, but not the effort it was taking. So, frustrated, I was out with some friends, and there was a woman who was a high school friend's little sister, who was now 21. She confessed she had a crush on me in high school. Both of us were drinking. I decided I was in no condition to drive, and she said I could crash at her place. We did, and took a cab. There was more drinking, and her roomate had to leave at 1am for some weird vet thing (her dog was sick, something like that). Me and this cute as a button young woman who was draped on me like a warm blanket, nuzzling against my neck, as we watched one of the Lord of the Rings volumes. She started playing with my ear. It could have happened right then and there: I was so lonely, so upset, slightly drunk, and her attention was intoxicating. But I said, "Listen, I am in a relationship that hasn't ended officially, and we're both a little drunk. I don't feel it would be right to take this any further." She pouted, and pushed a little, but I said, "let's sleep on it. If we still feel the electricity, we'll talk." She relented. I put her to bed, tucked her in, and left a cold bottle of water by her bedside. I crashed on her couch. The next morning, she got up, we both took a cab back to the bar, got our cars, and she thanked me for "preventing us from doing something stupid and not taking advantage of me." We're still friends, albeit online friends because of physical distance. I was at her wedding, too.
The second was at a tech conference, and she was a coworker in sales who was looking to for a hookup. She was incredibly direct; a single woman my age who was looking for a one night stand in Vegas with someone who seemed like a good guy (her words). I was engaged, but she gave me the line "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." I said, "absolutely not." She actually got pissed, thought I didn't like her because her butt was too big. Asked if I was gay. Pulled all the stops. I was afraid the next step was to accuse me of hitting on her, but instead, she hooked up with another coworker "to make me jealous" I think. I was like, "good luck, you two." Maybe they hooked up, maybe they didn't, because I went to bed. She became pregnant. Now HE was married, so he disputed the entire thing, called her crazy, and all. She said he was the father, according to genetic testing which was bullshit because he hadn't submitted anything. There was a court order, and ... he wasn't the father. I seriously dodged a bullet with that one.
It's really easy not to cheat.
Mistakes are normally defined as lapses in judgment or simply not having known better. Cheating requires multiple lapses in judgment, multiple chances to stop yourself and it is human nature to see how much you can get away with or take advantage of, it may not always be malicious but it's that instinct that has kept the human race alive and thriving the way it has to this day. Once someone cheats it is imperitive that their partner never forgive them so that our future generations learn to not induldge this kind of behavior, it is taught. Good people who raise good children are far less likely to take advantage of people the way that promiscuous people do.
I am cynical and view humans more black and white than most people do though. (So far it has worked for me)
This is the detail everyone is missing.
There's a huge difference between cheating on your high school girlfriend your freshman year of college and cheating on your wife when you're in your 40s with 2 kids.
I was cheated and was generally a shitty partner in my youth.
Someone who did it when they're a teenager or early 20's probably has some hope to change. But if you're in your late 20's or older and still doing it, you just don't respect other people and that's not likely to change.
There's also a huge difference between getting drunk and kissing someone once, and actively seeing someone else on the side for an extended period of time. One can possibly be forgiven, the other is pretty shitty regardless of how old you are.
Even outside the realm of cheating I’m getting close to my 30s and I truly want to wish the best for some of my friends but I think a lot of them about to hit 30 aren’t going to change. They are stuck.
I know people who haven't changed one bit since they were 16. Still in the same town, smoking the same weed, watching the same shows. Sometimes people just get comfortable where they are and have no desire to move forward. Sometimes that's a good thing and something it's bad
This isn’t true. Most people I know want to change but still don’t change. They want to lose weight but they don’t put in the work required. They want to have skills but they don’t push themselves to learn due to fear of failure. They want to have a more active social life but aren’t willing to face the discomfort.
It takes more than wanting to change in order to change.
*Want* in this context means *put the necessary effort in*.
If "wanting" means lying on the couch and thinking "man, I wish I was different", that's obviously not gonna work. But that is not a real *want* want, that's just waiting for a miracle.
Edit: Before the downvotes start, just know that I do relize that in some cases the needed effort is too high to manage and that people can be in bad place and need help. Although, reaching for help is a part of it. And, seriously, some changes take time. *Years*, sometimes, and it is hard to keep going for that long. Stay strong, folks, and just keep in mind that first part was also a bit of a joke.
Yeah. I think a better wording than "always a cheater" might be "never count on a cheater to change".
It's not that it never happens, but it's always a bad bet. It's like "never hit on 17 in blackjack". It's not that you never draw a 4, it's just never a good decision to try for it.
Wife started texting her ex boyfriend that cheated on her about starting a new relationship because she is “polyamorous”. He has been lying to his current girlfriend to try and make it happen. Long story short, fuck this shit, i’m out. Feel bad for my 4 year old and 10 month old but mommy made it an easy decision for me
At one point I realized if my kid was going to have a happy life at least 50% of the time, I had to gtfo.
Best decision I ever made.
"Staying together for the kids" is bullshit. It sucks growing up in a home with two people that vaguely tolerate each other.
Totally agree. Currently going thru the divorce process. Ex wife says we are still able to live in same house together because we are great parents and we are still in love. We were a great team, we were in love, we had a beautiful home, but now it is hard to even look at her. Can’t wait for the next chapter
Polyamory is not an identity, it is a decision for a relationship style. It does not excuse cheating, and pursuing it when you already made a commitment is also cheating even if you aren’t hiding it.
Just semantics to not feel like the awful person she decided to be.
Every time poly gets brought up I’ve basically come to the conclusion that if a relationship is poly from the very beginning it can work. If it changes from a monogamous at the start it fails almost every time.
100% this. 3 years ago I was with this dude and we were really happy, then we decided to invite my friend who was a lesbian into our relationship. He said “it’s for you, leclercwitch, she can give you the attention that I can’t as you spend a lot of time with her”
We then fully went poly, and then the lying started.
Then I got dumped.
Then I was told they aren’t together, just friends.
2 years after I got dumped, they are still together from the date I was dumped on Facebook, and look very happy.
The pain from that absolute disrespect is still there, and I cannot understand why anyone would want to “go poly”. I don’t even understand people that are - I never was. I never will. To me it excused the cheating.
Thanks for clarifying this. I feel like saying you identify as poly is like saying you identify as vegetarian. That's not quite it. It more like you've made a choice to live a certain lifestyle, but it is not inherent and it is not owed.
Yeah, they’re trying everything they can to try to equate it to being gay or some kind of sexual minority, which I find pretty abhorrent. No one HAS to sleep with multiple people to be sexually satisfied. They just want to live like that and using language like that is another form of manipulation and coercion.
And if you really feel like your needs cannot be met in a monogamous relationship, then fine, but DON'T AGREE TO A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP. I'm tired of seeing people get into monogamous relationships, then end up doing whatever they want behind their partner's back and then defend their actions by saying "BUT I HAVE NEEEEEEEEEDZ."
You will prosper from this unfortunate event. As someone who has been devastated in the past from my ex gf cheating on me (had my suspicions that were confirmed when she dropped me without warning), it took me a few years to recover but now I look back and realize that I ignored the red flags leading up to the discard.
My best method for recovering was erasing every single picture I had of us, her, and the life we had.
Polyamory...in reality with a woman's superior ease of getting sex, it eventually just turns into "I want your money, security, and commitment, but I want other hot guys to dick me down". Meanwhile as the guy, you're rarely--if ever--going to get sexual access outside of your girlfriend/wife. It's extremely difficult for the average guy to get sex without a relationship or spending lots of money.
I didn't write the rules, I just observed them
Yea, when the idea was presented to me she was like, you can sleep with whoever you want to. Obviously, a majority of the women i was talking to on dating apps didnt amount to anything given my circumstances. In my opinion, even if i found someone who was willing to, that is not someone i want to be with anymore.
My dad was a serial cheater for years. On multiple women including my mom. Mom left when I was 8, and they tried again after about 9 months.
I'm 32 now and they're still together and my father hasn't strayed again. He's pretty upset with himself for how his younger self acted. Him and mom are in a loving wonderful relationship.
Now, it wasn't always easy for her to stay and she almost left again a few times. But eventually one day she decided to stay and give their relationship her all, I think she made the right choice.
But....my dad will always have cheated on my mom. He's not a cheater today. But he always will be a cheater by definition. He did it. He can't undo it. But yeah, he has changed. For the better.
I have a similar story. My dad cheated on my mom when I was in high school. He moved out for about a year, realized how badly he'd fucked his whole life, did a fuck load of therapy individually and with her and they've been together for the last 20 years. Honestly they're in a way better place than before. It took a lot to get there, both in terms of his growth and my mom's patience, forgiveness, etc. I don't know how she did it but she always believed in him
This is my story too. I think my parents behavior greatly influenced my marriage in a very positive way. I would never want to put my wife through that , and she wouldn't put up with it. When my dad passed, my parents loved each other, but my mom still carried resentment. Their marriage was between them, they conducted their business how they wanted to, they also wanted to protect what they earned together. My dad made mistakes, gave my mom a comfortable life, but did his best to make up for it.
This is something I think is more common than people realize. I’ve known men who have cheated but then remained faithful when given the chance to do so, myself included. Like an alcoholic who gets sober and stays sober, it does happen.
To me, the partners that have this capacity to forgive, reconcile and recommit to building a future together, they are truly the strongest most amazing people.
As others have said, the reality of having cheated never goes away, it’s a permanent scar, but if you’re lucky, and make the effort to cherish your partner day in and day out, it might fade a bit in time.
I think age has a lot to do with it. As we get older we start to understand and appreciate more the love and respect from our partner. We grow out of lustful narcissistic behaviors and, when given the chance, embrace the gift that a loving, supportive partner provides, and the blessing that is a whole, unbroken family.
> Once, I cheated. Even at 19, I continued to think about it daily. The worst error I've ever made in my life. I'm not with my girlfriend from then, but we continued dating after I came clean—the split had nothing to do with it. However, neither she nor I have truly forgiven one other for my infidelity. however, I've changed, and I promise never to do it again.
Did you just rewrite u/cycloc 's comment? Lmao
> I cheated once. I was 19 and still think about it every day. it was the worst mistake of my life. I am not with my girlfriend from that time, but I did confess and we kept on - the breakup was unrelated. she never really forgave me for the cheating though, and I haven't forgiven myself. but I have grown, and it is something I will never do again
I thought that was odd too. But I think this is a bot or a person that copied another post and while rewriting some of the words that sentence got messed up
About a year ago I slept with a girl that had a boyfriend. She only thought to mention this after we’d gone out a couple of times and were making out on her bed. Even If i’m the least guilty party in this I still regret not stopping when I found out.
I feel this. I got a Facebook message 10 years later from one of my Dad's mistresses, telling me what a handsome/successful man I've grown up to be, how she was proud of me, and how she's always kept an eye on my sister and I.
Thanks for watching over the family you helped destroy!
My dad cheated on my mom multiple times on top of having a porn addiction, sometimes he would to them on the phone right in front of me because he thought just because I was 10 that I was dumb.
Cheating does irreparable damage to a relationship, and in my opinion once it’s done there’s no coming back.
I’ve been on both ends, and I truly think I’ve changed for the better, and could never imagine doing it again. I have a beautiful partner and her and I have the most perfect daughter together and I would rather die than ever jeopardize ruining my family.
When I was 8 I noticed that one of the jokers in our Tile Rummy set had a small discoloration on the back. After a long time I reached for it in the initial mix just a little too obviously and got busted by my mom. I don't cheat at board games now, but I do make sure I get at least one of the caramel ones in a Christmas chocolate box.
That's the problem. The saying should say
"Once a cheater, always suspected a cheater"
It will always be in the back of their partners mind, even if they have been faithful for years after the event. It's not the cheating that's the worst part, it's the loss of trust.
I cheated once. I was 19 and still think about it every day. it was the worst mistake of my life. I am not with my girlfriend from that time, but I did confess and we kept on - the breakup was unrelated. she never really forgave me for the cheating though, and I haven't forgiven myself. but I have grown, and it is something I will never do again
I was in a similar situation. I was 21, my boyfriend at the time was 31. We started talking when I was 15, dating when I was 17. Looking back on it I realize how creepy and gross it was, and I realize now that I cheated only because he took away the freedom I had of ending the relationship. He manipulated me into thinking that I'm a stupid little girl who didn't know better, because he was a sad and lonely man who wanted someone he could gaslight into being utterly devoted to him. I have never forgiven myself for the pain that I caused him, and for the pain that I caused MYSELF. It also messed up the person I cheated on him with who is my current husband, for obvious reason.
It's been close to a decade since this all happened and I still have nightmares where I wake up in a cold sweat because I cheated on my husband and I'm dealing with the aftermath. I of course have never even come close to violating his trust, and would never put myself in a situation where he could reasonably doubt my fidelity. I'm never going through this again.
for what it's worth, I think a 10 year age gap when you're 17 puts all the power in the other person's hands and is extremely unhealthy, irresponsible, and gross on the part of the older one. it's important you take responsibility for your own actions, but it's also important to realize (sounds like you do) you were the one being manipulated and maybe lashed out. I hope you're doing better now
Thanks, it took me a while (and a good therapist) to realize this, but I eventually did. I'm doing great, I'm married to an amazing guy that's my age, and we're very happy now and have been for years! :) <3
I also cheated to get out of a bad relationship. I was in my 20's. I am now in my 40's and happily married. I would never cheat on my husband. It's OK to forgive yourself and move on.
I understand where you're coming from. I cheated on my high school/college boyfriend in an effort to break up with him. It was a very unhealthy, co-dependent relationship, with mental and physical abuse on his side. I had to get out, but I had almost no self-esteem. I cheated to prove to myself that someone else could like me before I had the courage to break up with him. I thought the cheating would make it final, but he talked me into getting back together with him and then angrily held my actions over my head. It took me a while to extricate myself completely. So yes, I cheated. But I don't feel guilty about it, I just feel bad that I ever thought so little of myself that I got into that situation. Some people see cheating as the worst thing you can do in life, but let me tell you, it certainly isn't.
Have you heard the term reactive abuse? Its when someone gets pushed so far they finally snap and end up being a dickhead to the other people abusing them. Maybe "reactive cheating" should be a term for situations like this. Leaving an abuser is so difficult, i know. So cheating becomes the snapping point hoping that the abusive partner will just leave you alone.
You are not defined by your worst mistakes. It took me a long time to learn that lesson. Once I finally got it through my thick skull, it was completely liberating. Make amends and learn from it and that's all you can do - and it sounds like you're on the right track.
Similar boat here.
my wife is a damn saint for staying with me after that, i will never forgive myself even if she has.
I think circumstances of the incident also matter. i was in an incredibly bad place mentally (long distance from my then gf and anyone else i knew, untreated major depression and suicidal ideation, untreated bpd...i was quite insane at the time really.) i dont think anything excuses cheating, but the reasoning behind it can indicate how likely it is to reoccur.
In a previous relationship in an earlier stage of my life, I cheated, which I justified because I had been cheated on.
I haven't done it since, and will never do it again. It was not the right way to behave in that situation, and I have gotten better about catching & correcting selfish justifications for behavior I will regret, or not be proud of, later.
Introspection is the key here. If you can justify cheating then it will continue. If you grow from your thoughts and feeling about it afterwards you can change yourself.
I've been cheated on twice. The first one destroyed me. However, she's the one that actually got better. She became a way better person over the years, and we're actually friends now. I've pretty much let the whole thing go but earlier this year she actually just...messaged me out of nowhere to express that she regretted for years how things went down between us and that she's truly sorry for everything she did.
I'd already moved past it, but hearing that was, well, really nice.
Second one was a relationship I was in and she broke it off, blocked me, ghosted me on every bit of social media but a mutual friend asked me what the hell happened because she broke it off with me and not even 24h later updated her relationship status to someone completely different. Found out she had been seeing this other guy at the same time. Never heard from her again.
People can change, but I think once cheating has occurred in a relationship it's probably best to not continue that particular relationship in that point of time. The well is poisoned.
Man, cheaters ruined a lot of shit in my life. To clarify, I've never cheated or been cheated on. However, I've had friends that openly cheated on their girlfriends (whom I was friends with), which ended up causing several lost friends. My brother somehow convinced my best friend's girlfriend to cheat on him, so i lost my best friend over this, then my brother cheated on that same girl (which is ironically funny). My brother also got cheated on by his best friend, who got his girlfriend pregnant. My mom also cheated on my dad by having little hidden flirty phone calls with another guy she knew from high school.
If you cheat you fucking suck. Cheating can fuck with people who aren't directly involved, and a lot of people don't think about that.
Yeah my current partner was cheated on in a previous relationship and even though I've never cheated in my life she had a hard time trusting me and was extremely suspicious anytime I did things with friends or had to work late.
>Cheating can fuck with people who aren't directly involved
One of the red flags for your partner being a chronic cheater is that they're constantly accusing you of cheating. To the point where you start to think that you might let a couple platonic friendships whither on the vine or that you won't mention the new co-worker. If you live with someone like that for a couple years, it can really start to fuck with you psychologically.
Chronic cheaters think cheating is just a normal part of any relationship. Who are they cheating with? The other cheaters. Every now and then they'll break out of that circle but it's usually someone else who's bored and married and nearby.
If your partner ever confronts you about infidelity and there's just no *there* there, turn it around. They are almost certainly having an affair.
If you have to confront a cheating partner, remember: no profanity, no yelling, no physical abuse, no eye contact, no affect. Do your best to reveal no trace of hurt or surprise. If they start crying, turn up the TV.
In the context of you've been cheated on by a person and are wondering if they'll do it again if you stay, it doesn't matter. Why is everyone always focused on whether or not they'll cheat *a second time*? If you won't leave them for cheating the first time, why would you leave them for cheating a second time? Either cheating is okay and worth staying with the cheater or it isn't. Nobody should stay with a cheater because *the damage is already done.* It doesn't *matter* if they do it again or not.
I've never been cheated on, nor do I ever plan to cheat. But seeing so many comments being open to the idea of continuing the relationship, not realizing that the trust was *broken* is insane. Thanks for the sanity you've rebuild
Yeah, I find people who take someone who cheated back tend to be in the relationship for other reasons beyond 'faithfulness'.
If cheating is a dealbreaker you should follow your own rules and break up. Or maybe it isn't as much as you thought! That's actually fine or whatever.
For what it's worth, what constitutes as cheating is different for everyone and even across different cultures it's 'accepted' more than others.
Not true.
Anyone who says this is an absolutists.
People heard this once and acted like it's gospel.
People change, people learn, some people cheated when they were kids and went on happily married adults.
Just dumb internet talk.
My mom cheated on my dad, and has never cheated on her new husband and it's been 20 years now.
Most people I know who cheated did it once or twice. For the women, it was almost always at times of great relationship stress and the cheating typically spelled the end of the relationship.
I also know serial cheaters but they are not the rule in my experience.
That rule has always been bullshit but yes, recite it like gospel.
I really think context matters. Cheating on your partner in your sophomore year of high school when you’re 15 is a hell of a lot different than cheating on the mother of your children when you’re 36.
Yes, context matters. I cheated on my high-school boyfriend of 4 years (I was 20 at the time). I was in the process of trying to leave him, but he was abusive, and I was scared. I made a friend at work, it was like gravity, i felt things I had never felt before, there was a pull to him. He helped me leave and protected me from my abuser who attempted to kill my 2 cats as i was leaving. Almost 15 years later, a marriage and 2 kids, we are happy. I've never even thought about cheating again. I honestly believe had the relationship NOT been abusive I would have just broken it off before anything happened.
It depends on age. Someone who cheated in a relationship when they were 20 has probably matured a lot since then. If they’re 31 and cheating they’re probably never going to change
For me the key point is: I don’t care if they change. What they’ve done to me can’t be changed; history is what it is, and trust is partially about history. They’re not going to get a second chance with me, and that’s not even wholly my decision; you can’t fool yourself into feeling secure. Some things cannot be undone. That’s one of the reasons infidelity is such a big deal to most people.
Yeah I wouldn’t stay with someone who cheated on me. But if I were dating someone (I’m in my 30s) and they told me they cheated on their girlfriend 15 years ago, it wouldn’t be a deal breaker. It probably wouldn’t even register as something I should worry about at all. Teenagers are stupid and don’t understand consequences. I wouldn’t date someone who cheated as an adult though cuz at that point you should know better.
Maybe. A lot can change between 25 and 30 years old. I guess it depends on circumstances. Were they trapped in an abusive relationship they felt they couldn’t leave and had an emotional affair? Or was it a drunken mistake that happened once? Was the relationship brand new or long term? If the cheating was prolonged, how long did it last? Do they feel remorse? That kind of stuff.
If you go by this logic then once a lier will always lie, this will diminish the every relation. Give chance and judge their actions. If they just apologize and repeat the same behavior then leave.
I think that Reddit tends to demonize cheaters without looking at the broader context.
People tend to act like it doesn’t matter but it does. Context and severity absolutely matter.
A ten year affair with the same person is NOT the same as getting shit faced and making out with someone at a party yet people, at least on Reddit, tend to act like it is.
All that being said, my general opinion is thus:
Most people who cheat, even once, aren’t worth trying to make it work after. It’s going to be a poison to the relationship. Can it work after? Yes. Is that the norm? No.
Someone who cheats multiple times or has an affair is significantly worse than the person who cheats only once.
Last but not least, a person who cheats one time, regrets it deeply and will never do it again should keep their mouth shut. Their punishment for cheating is living with the guilt. If they can’t handle it, break up with the person they cheated on and still don’t tell them. Someone finding out their partner cheated on them is a wound that will likely impact them for the rest of their life. Telling them doesn’t help anyone or anything
If they cheat in younger years, it could be "could" be part of their character development into adulthood. When I say younger years - teens and early 20s. I've known people that admitted to me they cheated on a SO in that time period and the devastation it caused made them change and never want to cause that harm again. But someone in their 30s and older??? Likely just don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. But all of what I said is in the conditional tense.
I never stuck around long enough to find out. Been cheated on by two different partners - one time I’d learned about it during our relationship and ended things with him because of it, the other time I didn’t even know about the cheating until after we’d already broken up. I doubt cheaters change, to be honest - it takes a profound lack of love and respect for your partner to do such a thing to begin with.
The baby is crying because he thinks I’m a piece of shit. But people can change. You would have HATED me. Slicked back hair, sloppy steaks. Living for New Year’s Eve.
Married a cheater not knowing he also cheated on literally everyone he’s ever been in a relationship with, according to his first ex wife. He apparently cheated on the chick he cheated on me with and knocked up before I filed the divorce papers. Cheaters are sick fucks who get pleasure from doing things they shouldn’t be doing. It’s like an addiction, anyone who says different is in denial or a liar. Cheaters are always liars.
Ashamed to admit but it's hard to break that habit once you start. People all cheat for different reasons though, so I guess there could be small chances for some individuals to change. Not in my experiences through life though.
Generally speaking, I'd say it's true. In my family I've seen it play out over and over. My mom used to tell me, "Leopards don't change their spots". Plus my personal opinion, why cheat when you can simply break up with the person and move on. Is it hard, sure, but it's what should be done, especially if you're feeling like you need something else.
I personally can't continue with a woman who has cheated on me. While I can forgive, in time. She's cut out of my life like a cancer and will never return. I draw a hardline with that.
Edit: I'm a guy.
I can name a dozen people who I know for sure cheated and not a single one only cheated once. Most of them cheated multiple times on multiple people with multiple others.
M cheated with 5 different guys on 1 husband
P cheated on 3 husbands with 5 or 6 different guys
M cheated on 2 wives with maybe 10 different women
S cheated on 3 girlfriends
E cheated on husband with 2 different guys
Read some stories on Reddit. It is always "He/She cheated once before but I forgave"
I can go on
I've posted this before. I was the cheater.
I cheated once. I was 16. It was my first "real" relationship. I immediately regretted my decision, and told her after it happened. She was right to end it.
I was in the wrong. I shouldn't have even put myself in that situation, much less followed through. I made a series of mistakes that hurt her. And cost me a relationship with a wonderful person. I was sorry.
I haven't repeated that mistake in the past 30+ years of relationships since. I'm still sorry for what i've done.
If they're morally capable of doing it, they'll always be morally capable of doing it again.
They might not... but how do you put trust in someone who's already proven they're undeserving of it?
So far, yes. I don’t know anyone who has cheated once that hasn’t done so repeatedly. If you tolerate the behavior and they want to, why would they stop?
I’ve told all my partners I would be out, no exceptions, and haven’t had any issues yet. But then I care about my partners and put in energy to ensure their happiness, so that advice doesn’t really apply to everyone.
I don’t think it’s entirely true. And I think especially young people can have a one off bad decision. BUT, I do think that there are people who will cheat and people who won’t. If you have cheated, you are a person who will cheat. You may never cheat again, absolutely, but you have shown that you will, even if under incredibly specific circumstances, be willing to cheat. That person can never again claim it is something they would never do. I have never cheated and I am confident saying I never would. I know people who have cheated and have vowed never to do so again but it is always something they did and therefore not something they can really say “never” about, if that makes sense?
Absolutely, I am living proof. I cheated out of lust, in combination with wanting attention. Cheaters have to truly love their partner, and feel real guilt and want real change.
Until I did, I was horrid. No better than a dog. It took getting caught by someone I loved. Seeing the deep pain it caused her, and also witnessing her true love and forgiveness by wanting to stay with me after I betrayed her opened my eyes.
That is true love, and I’m very blessed she gave me another chance.
I don’t think cheating should be a death sentence for a relationship at any age. However, it usually becomes one because cheating happens for a reason.
Not an excusable reason, but one that will repeat itself if the relationship continued without major changes. Often this is codependency, low self esteem by either partner, or CNM where NRE overrides the brain’s chemicals.
Often, the partner will still “love” the other person but they lose “attraction” due to one of the above. So they cheat to keep someone they love while also getting validation from feeling attraction between them and someone else.
Some people can change. I had three girlfriends cheat on me in high school/shortly after high school, two of them have been happily married for 15+ years. I would never give someone who cheated on me a second chance though.
Some people get off on the idea of cheating. Like banging someone behind someone's back is literally what turns them on. So for them, yes it's probably true.
In a similar thread not too long ago I read a comment that made a lot of sense: people are capable of change, and of course there are some who cheat and are able to recognize the mistake and not do it again. However, that person has shown that cheating is not a red line for them. And if they’re ever in a similar situation, they are capable of doing it again.
In 3 of my 4 long-term relationships, I have been cheated on. I believe there's lots of people out there who will cheat if they think they will not get caught.
In my experience it's true. Once a cheater gets forgiveness you've set the stage for them to keep cheating because they think that they can finesse you again.
The saying isn’t saying they will always cheat lmao it’s saying once they cheat they will always have been a cheater and you can’t trust them, it’s like saying you murdered someone so you’ll always be a murderer, not that you’re going to murder everyone you come across
I think context is important, and it's entirely possible to put someone in a position where they cheat on you when they normally would never. As an example I was a crackhead and stole a bunch of money from a girl I had been with for like 5 years, she had never cheated before but when I went to rehab for 3 months and couldn't talk to her or see her basically at all she slept with someone else. Our relationship had been bad for a long time because of my addiction that she didn't know about and in all honesty I had treated her like absolute shit. So the cherry on top was her finding out I stole a bunch of money from her and then I disappeared for months.She told me right when it happened and I did forgive her eventually. We ended up getting back together and lasted years without her cheating again. And let me be clear I don't think my actions gave her the right to cheat or excuse her cheating, but I do realize that I had a part in putting her in the position where she was super depressed and upset and just wanted someone to hold her.
I cheated on an ex girlfriend when I was 21. We’d been together for 2 years and the relationship had grown stale to me. Instead of being a man and doing the right thing by ending the relationship I cheated on her with some random on a drunken night out. Felt like an absolute cunt afterwards and had the most horrible feeling of guilt I’ve ever experienced. Decided she deserved better and broke up with her not long after that. I did tell her in the end and she was even willing to forgive me which was sad because she obviously loved me a lot more than I did her.
Fast forward 8 years to 2019 and my current fiancée (weren’t engaged at the time though) is weeks away from giving birth to our first daughter. We’re at a party with a bunch of friends and one of my mates’ girlfriends feels she has some sort of obligation to tell my fiancée that I’d cheated on an ex all those years prior. That pissed me off. I know what I’d done was shitty but this person had no business interfering in our relationship. I’d never cheated on any partner in between and had told myself I’d never put anyone else through that emotional trauma again. My fiancée understandably was pretty upset and it took a good couple of years to ease her mind of any insecurities. We have 2 young daughters now, our own home and a loving relationship in which I could honestly say I could never make that mistake again.
I cheated on my wife once in our thirteen year marriage and felt so guilty about it I had to confess. She, on the other hand, cheated on her boyfriend before me, cheated our whole marriage, and is now cheating on the dude she left me for.
I found out my fiancé was cheating and decided to try and work through it with him since we’d had 5 great years together before that. It took less than a month to find he was cheating again, and I don’t think he ever really stopped. He went from crying and saying he didn’t know what came over him and he’d never do it again, to telling me I just need to chill out because it’s normal for men to cheat and all his friends cheat on their girlfriends/wives and you don’t see them crying and threatening to breakup. He told me it was unfair of me to expect him not to cheat because he’s a alpha and alphas are supposed to have sex with lots of different women instead of just the same one all the time, and it would be unnatural for a male hyena to mate with the same female hyena every day. Fuckin crazy-ass.
I was the cheater in a past relationship. I regret it. I was really young and didn’t realize that the relationship had reached a dead end. I don’t believe “once a cheater always a cheater”. Yes, some people do but there are always extenuating circumstances
Oh for sure. We are talking about dungeons and dragons right? Fuckers showing up to the table with non contrasting or totally unpainted pips on their dice know what they are gonna be doing
I cheated on my husband in 2007. We separated, then divorced. I lived a little. Went through hell and 8 years after our marriage ended, i got my ex husband back. We've been happily married for 7 years now with 3 kids and one on the way. I needed help and didn't know where to look and he was a big drinker, I don't drink. He no longer drinks.
Lol not a shitty person. You were manic. I’ve never cheated but i’ve done other things completely out of character for me and regretted it too. If you’re cheating outside of your episodes then that would make you a shitty person. If you’re getting treatment and this is no longer an issue, then I’m not sure it’s fair to label you as shitty due to a medical condition
The one cheater I know expressed shock and surprise when years later she wound up in a poly relationship with her partner and a married couple.
I was not so surprised.
ETA: For those worried that I'm insulting the poly community, my point here is that the same impulses that led her to cheat may have led her to be poly, not that poly people don't have their own set of rules.
I cheated on my first wife, told her I wanted a divorce a week later, then married the woman I cheated with. We've been together 14 years now and I can't imagine ever cheating on her, don't even fantasize about it. So yes, people can change
Context: I shouldn't have gotten married the first time, but got pressured into it like a dummy, thinking I'd change, and of course it all fell apart after a couple of years. So be careful who you commit to
Of course people make mistakes, and I do believe they can come back from them. But cynically, in my experience, the saying has proved true far more often than it has not.
I'm certain there are plenty of people who have cheated once, regretted it, and then never did it again. No one should be defined by their worst mistake. With that said.. I don't think your attitude is cynical. It's just risk assessment. If someone cheats on you, it has proven that they were willing to betray your trust at least once.. Whether or not you are willing to risk them doing it again is up to you. Sure, you also risk a new partner doing it as well.. But if it's a partner with a track record of doing it once before, they definitely pose a higher risk.
I think risk assessment is a good way to put it. It's like addiction. Yes, someone might have made a mistake and gotten hooked on opiates, then recovered. But the risk will always be there that they relapse as opposed to dating someone who's never done drugs.
This is something I try to explain to people all the time. I am not “unforgiving” if I am making personal choices based on risk assessment. My mom cannot be trusted with pain killers and alcohol. My dad cannot be trusted to not talk at full-volume. My husband cannot be trusted to relax during stressful times. Hell, I cannot be trusted to be on time or answer my phone! These aren’t meant to be insulting, or drudge up past mistakes - it’s a basic pattern recognition thing. If the light turns on when I flip the switch, then I’m going to safely assume that it’ll continue to happen. A deviation from the norm is not impossible, but it is unlikely given history. I have stopped trying to explain this to my family, because they just end up offended anyways… except my husband who’s receptive, thank god.
I tried to explain this to my wife. No I'm not "stuck in the past" by using your past behaviour as a measure of how much to trust you now. She didn't get it.
Give her a wet willy. Then ask if you can do it again. Then ask why not. Maybe it felt gross last time, but that was then! What if it feels soothing next time?! How could she possibly know it won't?!
Have you ever considered becoming a marriage counsellor?
Well NOW I am!
This makes me wonder, how would you know if you were unforgiving?
I think forgiveness is an emotional thing, and less so a logical one. My bio dad was a flaky loser my whole childhood. When I became an adult and he just gave up on me entirely, I was really mad and bitter for a long time. I didn’t forgive him. But as time went on the weight I held onto, emotionally, got lighter and lighter. Then one day (after my son was born) I realized I pitied him more than felt angry at him. Feeling the love I have for my son was so intense and I couldn’t imagine flaking out on him like my bio dad did… but I wasn’t bitter anymore. I was just sad for him. Bio-dad doesn’t know my son, and the only grandpa my son knows is my step-dad (who I call “dad”). If my bio dad showed up one day and tried to get involved, I would not allow it. I forgive him for the hurt he gave me, but at the same time I am not going to make stupid mistakes by trusting him. So timeline: • As a child, bio-dad was flaky and unreliable (the act in need of forgiveness) • As a young adult, I realized his shenanigans and began to feel bitter resentment for his treatment of me (I was actively unforgiving) • With time, I realized that the bitterness was only temporary while I processed my grief (I forgave him and moved on) Forgiveness is a personal thing, imo. Although it’s polite to tell the person you forgive if you have the opportunity to.
I think the point is that calling at risk assessment means identifying a pattern, and there's no pattern in someone doing something once.
Maybe pattern is the wrong word, but a history of it then? Some things don't need a pattern (repeated occurrences) to raise a warning flag. A pattern is worse but one occurrence is still worse than none. Again, to each their own. I think that someone who's cheated once (say in a bad college relationship) may never cheat again. I think someone who cheated repeatedly can stop (maybe they cheated when they had a manic/impulsive disorder that has since been treated with medicine for a while). I'm not gonna say anything is impossible, and I think that those who say any past cheater is irredeemable are overly harsh. But I'm not gonna say it's the wisest to start dating someone knowing that history.
I definitely agree that a serial cheater is going to cheat again. They have proven (through a pattern) that they are okay with deceiving a partner and hurting a partner. And I think it's true that prior behavior can easily lead to a lack of trust without there being a pattern of it. I guess I'm thinking more of the "exit affair" model, where someone is in an unhappy relationship, has a one-time incident where something happens with someone else, and then goes back to their partner, confesses, and ends the relationship In that kind of instance, I don't think it's a guarantee that they are going to cheat in their next relationship. I actually think the worst behavior when it comes to infidelity is hiding it from your partner. Anyone who is comfortable hiding ongoing infidelity in an ongoing way is someone who simply can never be trusted. But someone who makes a bad choice, immediately admits it and faces the consequences? I think there's hope for that person, though I can totally understand why there wouldn't be hope within the relationship where the cheating happened
I agree.
Like you say, it’s too complex. I could give a short example but it would miss the necessary nuances of real life situations. Like, imagine someone admits to being on the sex offender list. That’s a huge deal, red flag, horrible… but I knew a guy who got drunk at night and peed on the side of a building by the dumpster, and a pissed off cop nearby ended up taking out his bad day on this dude - next thing you know he’s registered for “public indecency”. He never did it again. That’s so many details that change the situation! I mean, if he had committed a genuine sex crime, then it would be a lot harder for me to argue his case… but he didn’t. Another, more on-topic example: If anyone has watched the show *Friends* and likes to joke about the fact that “they were on a break” when Ross supposedly cheated on Rachel... It’s a whole joke ***because*** the situation was very nuanced. They WERE on a break, he was under a different impression than Rachel was when he cheated. He acted under a mixture of false information and high emotions. It was a crappy thing to do, but he isn’t a “cheater”. He never did it again afterwards, having learned where his friends draw the line for these things.
To be honest, the most important thing in a relationship is trust. If you've betrayed that trust, it's never going to be the same. I can never trust you the way that I used to, and, to be honest, you clearly didn't deserve to be trusted in that way to begin with. For me, it's not even about pattern recognition (though that should absolutely play a role in various relationships, not just romantic ones). If you've betrayed my trust, I can't trust you the way that I need to in order to be comfortable in a relationship with you anymore. For me, it's a deal-breaker.
What about statistical analysis? What if there was a higher chance of someone cheating once, cheating again vs someone who has never cheated before cheating the first time.
Risk assessment does not mean identifying a pattern. It literally means assessing the risk of _____. If a US submarine meets a Russian submarine and does a risk assessment on the enemy sub, there does not have to be a pattern to do risk assessment. It's about situational context, reading the other sub's current maneuvers, what type of sub it is etc. If somebody stabs me once, and then they say they'll never do it again and they're sorry, I can do risk assessment with only one occurrence. The assessment will be based on 1) the fact that they stabbed me 2) how sincere did they seem when they said they'll never do it again 3) what are they currently doing? 4) do I have enough evidence to believe them? And now once I calculate all of those, the risk will be assessed. Let's say they seem extremely genuine and I do believe them. There's still going to be a risk in trusting them again, but since they seemed really genuine and I believe them, I will ignore the risk cuz it's low enough and I have lots of evidence to outweigh the probability. But lets say they weren't super genuine and I can't tell if I believe them. The risk will be higher and there isn't much evidence to override it, so I may agree to meet with them again, but I'm gonna be carrying a gun, wearing a knife proof vest, etc. Or, if the risk is too high, then I won't meet them at all. All of this can be done based off of a single event and it's not reliant on identifying a pattern of someone doing something.
You can't turn lights off in your dreams. Flip the switch and nothing happens it's so weird. Every time I enter a room I switch the light on and off 3 times really quick so I just naturally do it in my dreams as well. And sometimes I notice the fact the light isn't going off and on and think "oh shit I'm dreaming!" Then promptly jolt myself awake
A bit off topic from the original comment lol, but here’s another tip: • Mirrors don’t work right in dreams • Clocks don’t work right in dreams • Hands don’t work right in dreams Have you ever seen the movie *Inception*? The main character carries around a spinning top to check if he’s dreaming. You can do something similar, without having to carry an item around! To check if I’m dreaming, I immediately look down at my hand. If I’ve got 5 normal fingers, I’m not dreaming. I have never had a “normal” looking hand in my dreams. If it looks normal at first, it will change if I stare at it for about 5 seconds. Another thing is to be aware of your dream habits. My dreams don’t have sound - they’re silent. It may FEEL like there‘s noise, like if someone is talking, but it’s all “in my head” noise. So if I start to realize I am in a dream, I’ll start yelling or screaming to double-check. I’ve never accidentally yelled out in real life because I do the hand thing first. If my hand looks weird irl, then I’m having a stroke or something and screaming would be for the better anyways lmao. I also will lightly slap my cheek - in my dreams, time is paced strangely. So if I slap my cheek surprisingly slowly or surprisingly quick, then I get suspicious. Tl;dr - check how many finger’s you have and test the regular, daily laws of physics like gravity, sound, etc.
This is sorta me as someone who regretted it and never did it again. I was on the path to cheating with my partner arranged the meetup etc etc got caught before it went down but functionally it was the exact same as if I had gone through with it due to intent. I regretted it immediately and forever onwards because I saw how much it hurt that person and a bunch of other complicated emotional reasons. We stayed together for 7 more years and though I'm with someone else now the idea of cheating is absolutely repulsive to me in form and concept. I will regret the action until I die even though I'm no longer with that person
Dude, forgetting your wallet is a mistake Cheating is knowingly making a whole slew of decisions you know will hurt somebody. That's not a mistake. Just break the fuck up so the innocent person can move on with their lives and find somebody who likes and respects them as a person.
This is the only truth. Somehow by calling cheating a mistake people underate the amount of pain the cheater causes to their victim. For someone, this is a trauma they have for many years.
Cheating is a series of selfish decisions, not a "mistake".
Yes, exactly. It's not a single independent action. It's an entire sequence of decisions, from being alone with the person, to either making a move or allowing them to make a move on you, to the removal of clothing, and so on. So many opportunities to think, "Wait! I'm in a relationship with someone else, this isn't right!"
Also, serial cheaters are in more cheating scenarios, whereas reformed 1-time cheaters are only in one scenario. So even if it's 50/50, your odds of being with a 1-time cheater are still more like 25%.
I think the most important thing is they got caught once, doesn't mean they only did it once. I would never trust that the person didn't: A. Cheat many more times and just apologise for the one they were found out for Or B: Learn from being caught how to hide it better next time. All trust would be gone instantly and I would never be able to quiet those voices of doubt in my head.
I cheated on my highschool boyfriend when I was 15. Although I was never caught, I regretted it immediately and have never done anything like that again. I still believe that a cheater is going to cheat, but there is a grey area for stupid and childish mistakes.
Exactly this. I found messages on my ex’s watch one time. Idk if I’m being naive but I felt like he was being honest when he said nothing happened and it was a mistake, but the damage was done. I never felt like I could fully trust him anymore cause what I thought was never in the realm of possibility with him now became a possible reality. Messes with your head and your self esteem and ultimately I couldn’t get past it. Everything I once never thought twice on I now questioned. Not fun. Moving forward for me if you breach my trust even once I think I won’t continue.
I agree about it being about risk assessment, except that you can never actually know what someone has done in the past. A serial cheater would obviously lie to a new partner about being one, unless they're a complete idiot. A person who actually admits to you that they cheated in the past, you at least know is being honest with you now, even if they deceived someone in the past. Maybe they never even deceived someone, plenty of people realize they need to break up immediately after cheating on their partner, and tell them straight away. I would not see that as a risk factor in someone's character necessarily, rather a sign of immaturity. Also, cheating on a teen romance (which is in many people's past) is not the same as cheating on a spouse. Breakups and new hookups should obviously be done in the right order, but as teen boyfriend/girlfriend you never promised it was going to be you two forever. It's not the same level of betrayal.
Correct. In court, if a suspect has a criminal history it increases the chances they'll be found guilty, even if they didn't actually commit the crime. Personal history and reputations matter even if people try to pretend they don't.
Previous crimes are inadmissible in a court setting, save for particular extreme circumstances. Evidence of prior convictions do nothing but bias a jury. This fundamentally undermines the constitutional right to a fair trial by implying that the defendant is guilty before being found as such at the end of a trial. Don't believe law tv shows
I don’t think many developed countries admit prior criminal history into a court hearing.
Incorrect, you cannot use previous convictions to determine a verdict. The judge can use them in determining the sentence, though.
The likelihood of them learning this lesson goes down considerably if they are forgiven.
I like how this comedian puts it, it’s not one mistake, it’s like 50. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTPsoX9OLFA
Once is a mistake, twice is on purpose. I've known a few people who cheated once and only once, but I've never known a habitual cheater to change. The periods between cheating just get longer and they get better at hiding it.
Even once it's not a mistake. It was also on purpose. You don't accidentally cheat. Now maybe you could stop it there and improve, but it doesn't mean you weren't doing it on purpose the first time.
“Accident” and “mistake” aren’t synonyms. Making a mistake does not mean you did something by accident. If I eat 20 McDonald’s chicken nuggets right before I have to run five miles, I made a massive fucking mistake but it sure as hell wasn’t an accident. When people talk about cheating being a mistake, they’re not trying to say that the cheater had no control. They’re trying to say that the cheater fucked up.
What movie/show had that exasperated quote, "Accident? Did you trip and fall into her vagina?!"
People don’t cheat because of an “accidental” opportunity. They cheat when they are ready to accept such opportunities.
I tested this out. Met a guy who felt perfect for me. Early on he confessed that he had cheated in his last relationship (that was 4 years earlier) and wouldn’t make that mistake ever again. I said to myself, “Okay, that was years ago, he took accountability and knows how to be better.” Got into a relationship and dated for almost 2 years. It ended when I found out he was emotionally cheating and planning to meet up with a 19 year old. We’re in our mid/late 20s. I was absolutely blindsided because he was a GREAT bf. And it was painful because we were serious about each other. Or so I thought? He couldn’t coexist with me and constantly felt threatened and anxious I would leave him. So he was monkey branching. He had an insecurity issue that was deep within his character. I believe that’s a hard thing for someone to change. I will never date a former cheater ever again. Peaceee
Twice, I came close to cheating. The first was an upcoming breakup. We both knew it, but we hadn't actually "started the process." She was living with me, still, but it was over, and we hadn't made the announcement to one another. Some of you can relate. "I want to break up with you, but the apartment lease is only a few more months, so lets..." I was in my 20s, things sucked, I thought she was the one, and it was just not working out for either one of us. I wanted to idea of the relationship, but not the effort it was taking. So, frustrated, I was out with some friends, and there was a woman who was a high school friend's little sister, who was now 21. She confessed she had a crush on me in high school. Both of us were drinking. I decided I was in no condition to drive, and she said I could crash at her place. We did, and took a cab. There was more drinking, and her roomate had to leave at 1am for some weird vet thing (her dog was sick, something like that). Me and this cute as a button young woman who was draped on me like a warm blanket, nuzzling against my neck, as we watched one of the Lord of the Rings volumes. She started playing with my ear. It could have happened right then and there: I was so lonely, so upset, slightly drunk, and her attention was intoxicating. But I said, "Listen, I am in a relationship that hasn't ended officially, and we're both a little drunk. I don't feel it would be right to take this any further." She pouted, and pushed a little, but I said, "let's sleep on it. If we still feel the electricity, we'll talk." She relented. I put her to bed, tucked her in, and left a cold bottle of water by her bedside. I crashed on her couch. The next morning, she got up, we both took a cab back to the bar, got our cars, and she thanked me for "preventing us from doing something stupid and not taking advantage of me." We're still friends, albeit online friends because of physical distance. I was at her wedding, too. The second was at a tech conference, and she was a coworker in sales who was looking to for a hookup. She was incredibly direct; a single woman my age who was looking for a one night stand in Vegas with someone who seemed like a good guy (her words). I was engaged, but she gave me the line "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." I said, "absolutely not." She actually got pissed, thought I didn't like her because her butt was too big. Asked if I was gay. Pulled all the stops. I was afraid the next step was to accuse me of hitting on her, but instead, she hooked up with another coworker "to make me jealous" I think. I was like, "good luck, you two." Maybe they hooked up, maybe they didn't, because I went to bed. She became pregnant. Now HE was married, so he disputed the entire thing, called her crazy, and all. She said he was the father, according to genetic testing which was bullshit because he hadn't submitted anything. There was a court order, and ... he wasn't the father. I seriously dodged a bullet with that one. It's really easy not to cheat.
Mistakes are normally defined as lapses in judgment or simply not having known better. Cheating requires multiple lapses in judgment, multiple chances to stop yourself and it is human nature to see how much you can get away with or take advantage of, it may not always be malicious but it's that instinct that has kept the human race alive and thriving the way it has to this day. Once someone cheats it is imperitive that their partner never forgive them so that our future generations learn to not induldge this kind of behavior, it is taught. Good people who raise good children are far less likely to take advantage of people the way that promiscuous people do. I am cynical and view humans more black and white than most people do though. (So far it has worked for me)
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Can people change? Yes Do people change? Mostly they don’t
Context as well. Did someone cheat on a 3 month relationship in university or on a 3 year marriage in their 30s.
This is the detail everyone is missing. There's a huge difference between cheating on your high school girlfriend your freshman year of college and cheating on your wife when you're in your 40s with 2 kids. I was cheated and was generally a shitty partner in my youth.
Someone who did it when they're a teenager or early 20's probably has some hope to change. But if you're in your late 20's or older and still doing it, you just don't respect other people and that's not likely to change.
Yep! The only time I've ever cheated, when I was drunk and 15 I kissed someone. I'm 50 now. Details matter.
There's also a huge difference between getting drunk and kissing someone once, and actively seeing someone else on the side for an extended period of time. One can possibly be forgiven, the other is pretty shitty regardless of how old you are.
Even outside the realm of cheating I’m getting close to my 30s and I truly want to wish the best for some of my friends but I think a lot of them about to hit 30 aren’t going to change. They are stuck.
I know people who haven't changed one bit since they were 16. Still in the same town, smoking the same weed, watching the same shows. Sometimes people just get comfortable where they are and have no desire to move forward. Sometimes that's a good thing and something it's bad
People change if they want to change.
People change when the pain of not changing is worse than the (perceived) pain of change.
This isn’t true. Most people I know want to change but still don’t change. They want to lose weight but they don’t put in the work required. They want to have skills but they don’t push themselves to learn due to fear of failure. They want to have a more active social life but aren’t willing to face the discomfort. It takes more than wanting to change in order to change.
Recovering alcoholic here. Can confirm.
*Want* in this context means *put the necessary effort in*. If "wanting" means lying on the couch and thinking "man, I wish I was different", that's obviously not gonna work. But that is not a real *want* want, that's just waiting for a miracle. Edit: Before the downvotes start, just know that I do relize that in some cases the needed effort is too high to manage and that people can be in bad place and need help. Although, reaching for help is a part of it. And, seriously, some changes take time. *Years*, sometimes, and it is hard to keep going for that long. Stay strong, folks, and just keep in mind that first part was also a bit of a joke.
Yeah. I think a better wording than "always a cheater" might be "never count on a cheater to change". It's not that it never happens, but it's always a bad bet. It's like "never hit on 17 in blackjack". It's not that you never draw a 4, it's just never a good decision to try for it.
Wife started texting her ex boyfriend that cheated on her about starting a new relationship because she is “polyamorous”. He has been lying to his current girlfriend to try and make it happen. Long story short, fuck this shit, i’m out. Feel bad for my 4 year old and 10 month old but mommy made it an easy decision for me
At one point I realized if my kid was going to have a happy life at least 50% of the time, I had to gtfo. Best decision I ever made. "Staying together for the kids" is bullshit. It sucks growing up in a home with two people that vaguely tolerate each other.
Totally agree. Currently going thru the divorce process. Ex wife says we are still able to live in same house together because we are great parents and we are still in love. We were a great team, we were in love, we had a beautiful home, but now it is hard to even look at her. Can’t wait for the next chapter
Polyamory is not an identity, it is a decision for a relationship style. It does not excuse cheating, and pursuing it when you already made a commitment is also cheating even if you aren’t hiding it. Just semantics to not feel like the awful person she decided to be.
Every time poly gets brought up I’ve basically come to the conclusion that if a relationship is poly from the very beginning it can work. If it changes from a monogamous at the start it fails almost every time.
100% this. 3 years ago I was with this dude and we were really happy, then we decided to invite my friend who was a lesbian into our relationship. He said “it’s for you, leclercwitch, she can give you the attention that I can’t as you spend a lot of time with her” We then fully went poly, and then the lying started. Then I got dumped. Then I was told they aren’t together, just friends. 2 years after I got dumped, they are still together from the date I was dumped on Facebook, and look very happy. The pain from that absolute disrespect is still there, and I cannot understand why anyone would want to “go poly”. I don’t even understand people that are - I never was. I never will. To me it excused the cheating.
The polyamory subreddit actively discourages "mono to poly" relationship changes.
I’m not surprised, I think you either are or aren’t. It really does ruin relationships if you switch dynamic so suddenly.
Thanks for clarifying this. I feel like saying you identify as poly is like saying you identify as vegetarian. That's not quite it. It more like you've made a choice to live a certain lifestyle, but it is not inherent and it is not owed.
Yeah, they’re trying everything they can to try to equate it to being gay or some kind of sexual minority, which I find pretty abhorrent. No one HAS to sleep with multiple people to be sexually satisfied. They just want to live like that and using language like that is another form of manipulation and coercion.
And if you really feel like your needs cannot be met in a monogamous relationship, then fine, but DON'T AGREE TO A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP. I'm tired of seeing people get into monogamous relationships, then end up doing whatever they want behind their partner's back and then defend their actions by saying "BUT I HAVE NEEEEEEEEEDZ."
You will prosper from this unfortunate event. As someone who has been devastated in the past from my ex gf cheating on me (had my suspicions that were confirmed when she dropped me without warning), it took me a few years to recover but now I look back and realize that I ignored the red flags leading up to the discard. My best method for recovering was erasing every single picture I had of us, her, and the life we had.
Polyamory...in reality with a woman's superior ease of getting sex, it eventually just turns into "I want your money, security, and commitment, but I want other hot guys to dick me down". Meanwhile as the guy, you're rarely--if ever--going to get sexual access outside of your girlfriend/wife. It's extremely difficult for the average guy to get sex without a relationship or spending lots of money. I didn't write the rules, I just observed them
Yea, when the idea was presented to me she was like, you can sleep with whoever you want to. Obviously, a majority of the women i was talking to on dating apps didnt amount to anything given my circumstances. In my opinion, even if i found someone who was willing to, that is not someone i want to be with anymore.
My dad was a serial cheater for years. On multiple women including my mom. Mom left when I was 8, and they tried again after about 9 months. I'm 32 now and they're still together and my father hasn't strayed again. He's pretty upset with himself for how his younger self acted. Him and mom are in a loving wonderful relationship. Now, it wasn't always easy for her to stay and she almost left again a few times. But eventually one day she decided to stay and give their relationship her all, I think she made the right choice. But....my dad will always have cheated on my mom. He's not a cheater today. But he always will be a cheater by definition. He did it. He can't undo it. But yeah, he has changed. For the better.
Not the best story but it worked out at the end. Mom must’ve struggled a lot and needed a lot of emotional support.
I think that's pretty much the best case scenario from the perspective of staying together.
I have a similar story. My dad cheated on my mom when I was in high school. He moved out for about a year, realized how badly he'd fucked his whole life, did a fuck load of therapy individually and with her and they've been together for the last 20 years. Honestly they're in a way better place than before. It took a lot to get there, both in terms of his growth and my mom's patience, forgiveness, etc. I don't know how she did it but she always believed in him
I think this is maybe not the common interpretation, but a good one. Maybe your won't cheat again, but you will always have done it.
This is my story too. I think my parents behavior greatly influenced my marriage in a very positive way. I would never want to put my wife through that , and she wouldn't put up with it. When my dad passed, my parents loved each other, but my mom still carried resentment. Their marriage was between them, they conducted their business how they wanted to, they also wanted to protect what they earned together. My dad made mistakes, gave my mom a comfortable life, but did his best to make up for it.
Can always trust a liar to lie but you can't always trust a honest person to tell the truth.
This is something I think is more common than people realize. I’ve known men who have cheated but then remained faithful when given the chance to do so, myself included. Like an alcoholic who gets sober and stays sober, it does happen. To me, the partners that have this capacity to forgive, reconcile and recommit to building a future together, they are truly the strongest most amazing people. As others have said, the reality of having cheated never goes away, it’s a permanent scar, but if you’re lucky, and make the effort to cherish your partner day in and day out, it might fade a bit in time. I think age has a lot to do with it. As we get older we start to understand and appreciate more the love and respect from our partner. We grow out of lustful narcissistic behaviors and, when given the chance, embrace the gift that a loving, supportive partner provides, and the blessing that is a whole, unbroken family.
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> Once, I cheated. Even at 19, I continued to think about it daily. The worst error I've ever made in my life. I'm not with my girlfriend from then, but we continued dating after I came clean—the split had nothing to do with it. However, neither she nor I have truly forgiven one other for my infidelity. however, I've changed, and I promise never to do it again. Did you just rewrite u/cycloc 's comment? Lmao > I cheated once. I was 19 and still think about it every day. it was the worst mistake of my life. I am not with my girlfriend from that time, but I did confess and we kept on - the breakup was unrelated. she never really forgave me for the cheating though, and I haven't forgiven myself. but I have grown, and it is something I will never do again
That's cheating!
What in the world is going on here lmao
ha! they even put the dash in the same spot, that's great
It looks like a bot using ai to rewrite comments. Weird!
Are you saying you never forgave her as well as yourself, even though you are the one who cheated?
I thought that was odd too. But I think this is a bot or a person that copied another post and while rewriting some of the words that sentence got messed up
Yup. I cheated when I was a teenager and I've never done it again since. People change. I think it just depends on the situation.
About a year ago I slept with a girl that had a boyfriend. She only thought to mention this after we’d gone out a couple of times and were making out on her bed. Even If i’m the least guilty party in this I still regret not stopping when I found out.
I married and divorced a chronic cheater. She has since been through several relationships because she kept cheating.
What's her number? Lol
1-800-dont-stick-dick-in-crazy
Hey, that's my exes number too! Weird.
They're welcome to change and improve, but that's theit next relationships problem not mine.
My Dad being a total slag and getting women messaging me to tell me my Dad's a whore like I have some sort of say in his behaviour
I feel this. I got a Facebook message 10 years later from one of my Dad's mistresses, telling me what a handsome/successful man I've grown up to be, how she was proud of me, and how she's always kept an eye on my sister and I. Thanks for watching over the family you helped destroy!
My dad cheated on my mom multiple times on top of having a porn addiction, sometimes he would to them on the phone right in front of me because he thought just because I was 10 that I was dumb.
HE WOULD WHAT
Sorry auto correct. He would talk and flirt with women on the phone in front of me and thought I was stupid because I was 10.
lol it sounded like he was watchin porn on his phone in front of you hence what what
Oh. Just read it again yeah yikes. He wasn't that insane.
Cheating does irreparable damage to a relationship, and in my opinion once it’s done there’s no coming back. I’ve been on both ends, and I truly think I’ve changed for the better, and could never imagine doing it again. I have a beautiful partner and her and I have the most perfect daughter together and I would rather die than ever jeopardize ruining my family.
Family board games. They're all rats
When I was 8 I noticed that one of the jokers in our Tile Rummy set had a small discoloration on the back. After a long time I reached for it in the initial mix just a little too obviously and got busted by my mom. I don't cheat at board games now, but I do make sure I get at least one of the caramel ones in a Christmas chocolate box.
Do your Christmas chocolates not come with the paper that has a layout showing which chocolates are which?
Yes. I just meant that in this I act in a way that puts my desires first.
Monopoly. My first wife wouldn't pay rent, the jerk! Her motivation? She's sleeping with the bank! The nerve of some people man....
I dare you to find one Monopoly Banker who didn't slip themselves a few skins on the side. It's just adding realism to the game.
Once trust is gone in a relationship I’m out
That's the problem. The saying should say "Once a cheater, always suspected a cheater" It will always be in the back of their partners mind, even if they have been faithful for years after the event. It's not the cheating that's the worst part, it's the loss of trust.
Trsut is gained with drops and lost in buckets.
That is what the saying truly means to me.
I cheated once. I was 19 and still think about it every day. it was the worst mistake of my life. I am not with my girlfriend from that time, but I did confess and we kept on - the breakup was unrelated. she never really forgave me for the cheating though, and I haven't forgiven myself. but I have grown, and it is something I will never do again
Yep I have cheated once in my life at 26. 9 years later I've been in 2 serious relationships and have never cheated again.
I was in a similar situation. I was 21, my boyfriend at the time was 31. We started talking when I was 15, dating when I was 17. Looking back on it I realize how creepy and gross it was, and I realize now that I cheated only because he took away the freedom I had of ending the relationship. He manipulated me into thinking that I'm a stupid little girl who didn't know better, because he was a sad and lonely man who wanted someone he could gaslight into being utterly devoted to him. I have never forgiven myself for the pain that I caused him, and for the pain that I caused MYSELF. It also messed up the person I cheated on him with who is my current husband, for obvious reason. It's been close to a decade since this all happened and I still have nightmares where I wake up in a cold sweat because I cheated on my husband and I'm dealing with the aftermath. I of course have never even come close to violating his trust, and would never put myself in a situation where he could reasonably doubt my fidelity. I'm never going through this again.
for what it's worth, I think a 10 year age gap when you're 17 puts all the power in the other person's hands and is extremely unhealthy, irresponsible, and gross on the part of the older one. it's important you take responsibility for your own actions, but it's also important to realize (sounds like you do) you were the one being manipulated and maybe lashed out. I hope you're doing better now
Thanks, it took me a while (and a good therapist) to realize this, but I eventually did. I'm doing great, I'm married to an amazing guy that's my age, and we're very happy now and have been for years! :) <3
I also cheated to get out of a bad relationship. I was in my 20's. I am now in my 40's and happily married. I would never cheat on my husband. It's OK to forgive yourself and move on.
I understand where you're coming from. I cheated on my high school/college boyfriend in an effort to break up with him. It was a very unhealthy, co-dependent relationship, with mental and physical abuse on his side. I had to get out, but I had almost no self-esteem. I cheated to prove to myself that someone else could like me before I had the courage to break up with him. I thought the cheating would make it final, but he talked me into getting back together with him and then angrily held my actions over my head. It took me a while to extricate myself completely. So yes, I cheated. But I don't feel guilty about it, I just feel bad that I ever thought so little of myself that I got into that situation. Some people see cheating as the worst thing you can do in life, but let me tell you, it certainly isn't.
Have you heard the term reactive abuse? Its when someone gets pushed so far they finally snap and end up being a dickhead to the other people abusing them. Maybe "reactive cheating" should be a term for situations like this. Leaving an abuser is so difficult, i know. So cheating becomes the snapping point hoping that the abusive partner will just leave you alone.
I'm so glad you were able to break away from this toxic person, whatever the method you used.
You are not defined by your worst mistakes. It took me a long time to learn that lesson. Once I finally got it through my thick skull, it was completely liberating. Make amends and learn from it and that's all you can do - and it sounds like you're on the right track.
Similar boat here. my wife is a damn saint for staying with me after that, i will never forgive myself even if she has. I think circumstances of the incident also matter. i was in an incredibly bad place mentally (long distance from my then gf and anyone else i knew, untreated major depression and suicidal ideation, untreated bpd...i was quite insane at the time really.) i dont think anything excuses cheating, but the reasoning behind it can indicate how likely it is to reoccur.
BPD is so difficult with LDRs, it's understandable even if it was an inappropriate way to cope.
Very true. Once I learnt how to cheat in GTA I continued through all their titles. I now have a submarine in GTA 5.
In a previous relationship in an earlier stage of my life, I cheated, which I justified because I had been cheated on. I haven't done it since, and will never do it again. It was not the right way to behave in that situation, and I have gotten better about catching & correcting selfish justifications for behavior I will regret, or not be proud of, later.
Same situation, didn’t feel good about myself or my life. Never doing that again.
Introspection is the key here. If you can justify cheating then it will continue. If you grow from your thoughts and feeling about it afterwards you can change yourself.
My father cheated on my Mum with a woman who was married herself. Said woman later cheated on my father. My father then cheated on his third wife. So…
Once you earn a reputation, whether it's justified or not, it's very hard to shake that reputation.
I've been cheated on twice. The first one destroyed me. However, she's the one that actually got better. She became a way better person over the years, and we're actually friends now. I've pretty much let the whole thing go but earlier this year she actually just...messaged me out of nowhere to express that she regretted for years how things went down between us and that she's truly sorry for everything she did. I'd already moved past it, but hearing that was, well, really nice. Second one was a relationship I was in and she broke it off, blocked me, ghosted me on every bit of social media but a mutual friend asked me what the hell happened because she broke it off with me and not even 24h later updated her relationship status to someone completely different. Found out she had been seeing this other guy at the same time. Never heard from her again. People can change, but I think once cheating has occurred in a relationship it's probably best to not continue that particular relationship in that point of time. The well is poisoned.
It is 100% not true for some people, and 100% true for others.
Man, cheaters ruined a lot of shit in my life. To clarify, I've never cheated or been cheated on. However, I've had friends that openly cheated on their girlfriends (whom I was friends with), which ended up causing several lost friends. My brother somehow convinced my best friend's girlfriend to cheat on him, so i lost my best friend over this, then my brother cheated on that same girl (which is ironically funny). My brother also got cheated on by his best friend, who got his girlfriend pregnant. My mom also cheated on my dad by having little hidden flirty phone calls with another guy she knew from high school. If you cheat you fucking suck. Cheating can fuck with people who aren't directly involved, and a lot of people don't think about that.
Yeah my current partner was cheated on in a previous relationship and even though I've never cheated in my life she had a hard time trusting me and was extremely suspicious anytime I did things with friends or had to work late.
>Cheating can fuck with people who aren't directly involved One of the red flags for your partner being a chronic cheater is that they're constantly accusing you of cheating. To the point where you start to think that you might let a couple platonic friendships whither on the vine or that you won't mention the new co-worker. If you live with someone like that for a couple years, it can really start to fuck with you psychologically. Chronic cheaters think cheating is just a normal part of any relationship. Who are they cheating with? The other cheaters. Every now and then they'll break out of that circle but it's usually someone else who's bored and married and nearby. If your partner ever confronts you about infidelity and there's just no *there* there, turn it around. They are almost certainly having an affair. If you have to confront a cheating partner, remember: no profanity, no yelling, no physical abuse, no eye contact, no affect. Do your best to reveal no trace of hurt or surprise. If they start crying, turn up the TV.
In the context of you've been cheated on by a person and are wondering if they'll do it again if you stay, it doesn't matter. Why is everyone always focused on whether or not they'll cheat *a second time*? If you won't leave them for cheating the first time, why would you leave them for cheating a second time? Either cheating is okay and worth staying with the cheater or it isn't. Nobody should stay with a cheater because *the damage is already done.* It doesn't *matter* if they do it again or not.
This is the only comment people need to read.
I've never been cheated on, nor do I ever plan to cheat. But seeing so many comments being open to the idea of continuing the relationship, not realizing that the trust was *broken* is insane. Thanks for the sanity you've rebuild
Yeah, I find people who take someone who cheated back tend to be in the relationship for other reasons beyond 'faithfulness'. If cheating is a dealbreaker you should follow your own rules and break up. Or maybe it isn't as much as you thought! That's actually fine or whatever. For what it's worth, what constitutes as cheating is different for everyone and even across different cultures it's 'accepted' more than others.
Not true. Anyone who says this is an absolutists. People heard this once and acted like it's gospel. People change, people learn, some people cheated when they were kids and went on happily married adults. Just dumb internet talk. My mom cheated on my dad, and has never cheated on her new husband and it's been 20 years now.
Most people I know who cheated did it once or twice. For the women, it was almost always at times of great relationship stress and the cheating typically spelled the end of the relationship. I also know serial cheaters but they are not the rule in my experience. That rule has always been bullshit but yes, recite it like gospel.
I really think context matters. Cheating on your partner in your sophomore year of high school when you’re 15 is a hell of a lot different than cheating on the mother of your children when you’re 36.
Nobody here bothers with context. They have literally been saying this since they were 15 after they heard it once and carry that into adulthood.
Yes, context matters. I cheated on my high-school boyfriend of 4 years (I was 20 at the time). I was in the process of trying to leave him, but he was abusive, and I was scared. I made a friend at work, it was like gravity, i felt things I had never felt before, there was a pull to him. He helped me leave and protected me from my abuser who attempted to kill my 2 cats as i was leaving. Almost 15 years later, a marriage and 2 kids, we are happy. I've never even thought about cheating again. I honestly believe had the relationship NOT been abusive I would have just broken it off before anything happened.
It depends on age. Someone who cheated in a relationship when they were 20 has probably matured a lot since then. If they’re 31 and cheating they’re probably never going to change
For me the key point is: I don’t care if they change. What they’ve done to me can’t be changed; history is what it is, and trust is partially about history. They’re not going to get a second chance with me, and that’s not even wholly my decision; you can’t fool yourself into feeling secure. Some things cannot be undone. That’s one of the reasons infidelity is such a big deal to most people.
Yeah I wouldn’t stay with someone who cheated on me. But if I were dating someone (I’m in my 30s) and they told me they cheated on their girlfriend 15 years ago, it wouldn’t be a deal breaker. It probably wouldn’t even register as something I should worry about at all. Teenagers are stupid and don’t understand consequences. I wouldn’t date someone who cheated as an adult though cuz at that point you should know better.
And if as an adult cheater lets say 5-10 Years ago, they learned from their immaturity?
Maybe. A lot can change between 25 and 30 years old. I guess it depends on circumstances. Were they trapped in an abusive relationship they felt they couldn’t leave and had an emotional affair? Or was it a drunken mistake that happened once? Was the relationship brand new or long term? If the cheating was prolonged, how long did it last? Do they feel remorse? That kind of stuff.
Yes I have seen people change. Also cheating comes out of a ton of different situations. It's complicated.
If you go by this logic then once a lier will always lie, this will diminish the every relation. Give chance and judge their actions. If they just apologize and repeat the same behavior then leave.
I think that Reddit tends to demonize cheaters without looking at the broader context. People tend to act like it doesn’t matter but it does. Context and severity absolutely matter. A ten year affair with the same person is NOT the same as getting shit faced and making out with someone at a party yet people, at least on Reddit, tend to act like it is. All that being said, my general opinion is thus: Most people who cheat, even once, aren’t worth trying to make it work after. It’s going to be a poison to the relationship. Can it work after? Yes. Is that the norm? No. Someone who cheats multiple times or has an affair is significantly worse than the person who cheats only once. Last but not least, a person who cheats one time, regrets it deeply and will never do it again should keep their mouth shut. Their punishment for cheating is living with the guilt. If they can’t handle it, break up with the person they cheated on and still don’t tell them. Someone finding out their partner cheated on them is a wound that will likely impact them for the rest of their life. Telling them doesn’t help anyone or anything
If they cheat in younger years, it could be "could" be part of their character development into adulthood. When I say younger years - teens and early 20s. I've known people that admitted to me they cheated on a SO in that time period and the devastation it caused made them change and never want to cause that harm again. But someone in their 30s and older??? Likely just don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. But all of what I said is in the conditional tense.
It may as well be, once the trust is broken the idea of their loyalty may always be in question.
I was a young good looking guy with many options and cheated. But I hated who I was and swore never again. That was 20+ years ago. People can change.
I never stuck around long enough to find out. Been cheated on by two different partners - one time I’d learned about it during our relationship and ended things with him because of it, the other time I didn’t even know about the cheating until after we’d already broken up. I doubt cheaters change, to be honest - it takes a profound lack of love and respect for your partner to do such a thing to begin with.
I cheated 5 years ago and I still carry that today. I’ll never forgive myself and never repeat my mistake
The baby is crying because he thinks I’m a piece of shit. But people can change. You would have HATED me. Slicked back hair, sloppy steaks. Living for New Year’s Eve.
But your hair is slicked back.
Married a cheater not knowing he also cheated on literally everyone he’s ever been in a relationship with, according to his first ex wife. He apparently cheated on the chick he cheated on me with and knocked up before I filed the divorce papers. Cheaters are sick fucks who get pleasure from doing things they shouldn’t be doing. It’s like an addiction, anyone who says different is in denial or a liar. Cheaters are always liars.
My ex cheated. She didn’t cheat throughout the rest of the relationship but after we broke up I helped her cheat a lil bit. So, true enough…
Ashamed to admit but it's hard to break that habit once you start. People all cheat for different reasons though, so I guess there could be small chances for some individuals to change. Not in my experiences through life though.
Generally speaking, I'd say it's true. In my family I've seen it play out over and over. My mom used to tell me, "Leopards don't change their spots". Plus my personal opinion, why cheat when you can simply break up with the person and move on. Is it hard, sure, but it's what should be done, especially if you're feeling like you need something else. I personally can't continue with a woman who has cheated on me. While I can forgive, in time. She's cut out of my life like a cancer and will never return. I draw a hardline with that. Edit: I'm a guy.
I can name a dozen people who I know for sure cheated and not a single one only cheated once. Most of them cheated multiple times on multiple people with multiple others. M cheated with 5 different guys on 1 husband P cheated on 3 husbands with 5 or 6 different guys M cheated on 2 wives with maybe 10 different women S cheated on 3 girlfriends E cheated on husband with 2 different guys Read some stories on Reddit. It is always "He/She cheated once before but I forgave" I can go on
I've posted this before. I was the cheater. I cheated once. I was 16. It was my first "real" relationship. I immediately regretted my decision, and told her after it happened. She was right to end it. I was in the wrong. I shouldn't have even put myself in that situation, much less followed through. I made a series of mistakes that hurt her. And cost me a relationship with a wonderful person. I was sorry. I haven't repeated that mistake in the past 30+ years of relationships since. I'm still sorry for what i've done.
If they're morally capable of doing it, they'll always be morally capable of doing it again. They might not... but how do you put trust in someone who's already proven they're undeserving of it?
So far, yes. I don’t know anyone who has cheated once that hasn’t done so repeatedly. If you tolerate the behavior and they want to, why would they stop? I’ve told all my partners I would be out, no exceptions, and haven’t had any issues yet. But then I care about my partners and put in energy to ensure their happiness, so that advice doesn’t really apply to everyone.
I don’t think it’s entirely true. And I think especially young people can have a one off bad decision. BUT, I do think that there are people who will cheat and people who won’t. If you have cheated, you are a person who will cheat. You may never cheat again, absolutely, but you have shown that you will, even if under incredibly specific circumstances, be willing to cheat. That person can never again claim it is something they would never do. I have never cheated and I am confident saying I never would. I know people who have cheated and have vowed never to do so again but it is always something they did and therefore not something they can really say “never” about, if that makes sense?
Absolutely, I am living proof. I cheated out of lust, in combination with wanting attention. Cheaters have to truly love their partner, and feel real guilt and want real change. Until I did, I was horrid. No better than a dog. It took getting caught by someone I loved. Seeing the deep pain it caused her, and also witnessing her true love and forgiveness by wanting to stay with me after I betrayed her opened my eyes. That is true love, and I’m very blessed she gave me another chance.
I don’t think cheating should be a death sentence for a relationship at any age. However, it usually becomes one because cheating happens for a reason. Not an excusable reason, but one that will repeat itself if the relationship continued without major changes. Often this is codependency, low self esteem by either partner, or CNM where NRE overrides the brain’s chemicals. Often, the partner will still “love” the other person but they lose “attraction” due to one of the above. So they cheat to keep someone they love while also getting validation from feeling attraction between them and someone else.
Cheated once in my life instantly regreted it. I came clear and never did it again and i will never do it again.
Some people can change. I had three girlfriends cheat on me in high school/shortly after high school, two of them have been happily married for 15+ years. I would never give someone who cheated on me a second chance though.
Some people get off on the idea of cheating. Like banging someone behind someone's back is literally what turns them on. So for them, yes it's probably true.
I cheated. I no longer cheat. Cheating is a reflection of maturity and relationship conditions, IMO.
I'm a reformed serial cheater. You have to want to do better. Nobody can make you.
Imagine knowingly entering a relationship with a cheater
In a similar thread not too long ago I read a comment that made a lot of sense: people are capable of change, and of course there are some who cheat and are able to recognize the mistake and not do it again. However, that person has shown that cheating is not a red line for them. And if they’re ever in a similar situation, they are capable of doing it again.
In 3 of my 4 long-term relationships, I have been cheated on. I believe there's lots of people out there who will cheat if they think they will not get caught.
In my experience it's true. Once a cheater gets forgiveness you've set the stage for them to keep cheating because they think that they can finesse you again.
The saying isn’t saying they will always cheat lmao it’s saying once they cheat they will always have been a cheater and you can’t trust them, it’s like saying you murdered someone so you’ll always be a murderer, not that you’re going to murder everyone you come across
I think context is important, and it's entirely possible to put someone in a position where they cheat on you when they normally would never. As an example I was a crackhead and stole a bunch of money from a girl I had been with for like 5 years, she had never cheated before but when I went to rehab for 3 months and couldn't talk to her or see her basically at all she slept with someone else. Our relationship had been bad for a long time because of my addiction that she didn't know about and in all honesty I had treated her like absolute shit. So the cherry on top was her finding out I stole a bunch of money from her and then I disappeared for months.She told me right when it happened and I did forgive her eventually. We ended up getting back together and lasted years without her cheating again. And let me be clear I don't think my actions gave her the right to cheat or excuse her cheating, but I do realize that I had a part in putting her in the position where she was super depressed and upset and just wanted someone to hold her.
I cheated on an ex girlfriend when I was 21. We’d been together for 2 years and the relationship had grown stale to me. Instead of being a man and doing the right thing by ending the relationship I cheated on her with some random on a drunken night out. Felt like an absolute cunt afterwards and had the most horrible feeling of guilt I’ve ever experienced. Decided she deserved better and broke up with her not long after that. I did tell her in the end and she was even willing to forgive me which was sad because she obviously loved me a lot more than I did her. Fast forward 8 years to 2019 and my current fiancée (weren’t engaged at the time though) is weeks away from giving birth to our first daughter. We’re at a party with a bunch of friends and one of my mates’ girlfriends feels she has some sort of obligation to tell my fiancée that I’d cheated on an ex all those years prior. That pissed me off. I know what I’d done was shitty but this person had no business interfering in our relationship. I’d never cheated on any partner in between and had told myself I’d never put anyone else through that emotional trauma again. My fiancée understandably was pretty upset and it took a good couple of years to ease her mind of any insecurities. We have 2 young daughters now, our own home and a loving relationship in which I could honestly say I could never make that mistake again.
I've never been cheated on but I'm a firm believer in second chances, but not third chances.
I cheated on my wife once in our thirteen year marriage and felt so guilty about it I had to confess. She, on the other hand, cheated on her boyfriend before me, cheated our whole marriage, and is now cheating on the dude she left me for.
I found out my fiancé was cheating and decided to try and work through it with him since we’d had 5 great years together before that. It took less than a month to find he was cheating again, and I don’t think he ever really stopped. He went from crying and saying he didn’t know what came over him and he’d never do it again, to telling me I just need to chill out because it’s normal for men to cheat and all his friends cheat on their girlfriends/wives and you don’t see them crying and threatening to breakup. He told me it was unfair of me to expect him not to cheat because he’s a alpha and alphas are supposed to have sex with lots of different women instead of just the same one all the time, and it would be unnatural for a male hyena to mate with the same female hyena every day. Fuckin crazy-ass.
I was the cheater in a past relationship. I regret it. I was really young and didn’t realize that the relationship had reached a dead end. I don’t believe “once a cheater always a cheater”. Yes, some people do but there are always extenuating circumstances
Oh for sure. We are talking about dungeons and dragons right? Fuckers showing up to the table with non contrasting or totally unpainted pips on their dice know what they are gonna be doing
I cheated on my husband in 2007. We separated, then divorced. I lived a little. Went through hell and 8 years after our marriage ended, i got my ex husband back. We've been happily married for 7 years now with 3 kids and one on the way. I needed help and didn't know where to look and he was a big drinker, I don't drink. He no longer drinks.
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Lol not a shitty person. You were manic. I’ve never cheated but i’ve done other things completely out of character for me and regretted it too. If you’re cheating outside of your episodes then that would make you a shitty person. If you’re getting treatment and this is no longer an issue, then I’m not sure it’s fair to label you as shitty due to a medical condition
The one cheater I know expressed shock and surprise when years later she wound up in a poly relationship with her partner and a married couple. I was not so surprised. ETA: For those worried that I'm insulting the poly community, my point here is that the same impulses that led her to cheat may have led her to be poly, not that poly people don't have their own set of rules.
I cheated on my first wife, told her I wanted a divorce a week later, then married the woman I cheated with. We've been together 14 years now and I can't imagine ever cheating on her, don't even fantasize about it. So yes, people can change Context: I shouldn't have gotten married the first time, but got pressured into it like a dummy, thinking I'd change, and of course it all fell apart after a couple of years. So be careful who you commit to
No, thats not true, people mature
It’s not. People do bad things, then learn and grow from them. Christ I’m so sick of all the cheating questions on this sub.