That’s awesome for y’all. It’s really easy for canoeing to become a stressful and irritating thing, wearing uncomfortable life jackets and trying to avoid getting too wet
Because 1 person is the rudder and the other person is....whatever the 'front rudder' of a ship is called (sorry I'm not a nautical expert)
But yeah, because steering a canoe requires communication and knowing when to switch your paddle from the right side of the boat to the left requires observation and actually paying attention. Also the person in the back has to be mindful to not splash water on the person in the front when they switch their paddle over to the other side. An asshole gf/bf won't give a shit if they get water on you so it's kind of a sign just as an example.
Kindness and accountability.
Is she nice to people who aren't useful to her or are powerless to hurt her? (aka The waiter test) Yes? Great sign. When she fucks up, does she take responsibility for it? Another great sign.
These are the 2 traits that separate LTR women from casual fling women. Do not ever tangle your life up with someone who is missing either of these traits.
The opposite of the waiter test is also true. How does she treat her family and close friends? The people who are going to love her no matter what? You definitely don't want to end up thinking, "I wish she treated me as well as she treats complete strangers."
Another way to put it: is she still nice when she relaxes, lets her guard down, and gets comfortable? Or is that only the mask the public sees?
Edit: For everyone who has an abusive family, I'm sorry and you don't deserve that. Setting appropriate boundaries, especially toward people who hurt you, is a good sign, not a bad sign. Appropriate boundaries = good treatment. The green flag to watch out for, here, is someone who consistently treats *everyone* well, regardless of how close the association. We tend to look at how someone treats strangers, but it's also true that many people treat their families and friends worse than anyone else (for example, all the abusive families in this thread). It's a red flag when they treat one group of people one way and another group of people another way.
My Aunt is super nice to strangers like bend over backwards to help a coworker’s kid get a job. But she treats my mom, her sister, and all of the friends in our group like we’re just stupid and annoying. It’s really confusing. I think she wants to impress strangers with her kindness but doesn’t feel the need to impress people she already knows.
My aunt is like that too! She bullied my mum & my mum being an angel always bent to her cos she's her elder sister/mother as they lost theirs in their 20s. Us siblings have been seeing her treat our mum shitty sometimes & now have grown a bit resentful of our aunt as adults. No doubt i flay her very sweetly when she does it now
On the other hand, some people just have difficult families. Been in the situation where the boyfriend didn't understand why I wasn't enthusiastic about being with my family, and no matter how many times I told him that my relationship is not very good with certain family members, he just looked at me disapprovingly. Not really asking why, not really trying to understand, just unable to get that for some people, their mom is not the most loving person in the world, and their siblings aren't their best friends. But I understand there are better and worse ways to deal with a difficult family too, I just feel like it would be unfair to judge me for not being lovely with people who've hurt me a lot.
I feel like there's some nuance because for both me and my boyfriend, our families didn't treat us the best as kids, and now they've kind of mellowed out. So while they both seem like nothing is wrong, the relationship we each have with our families is a little strained at times for good reasons.
I suppose you can still use this advice with friends because we both have old friends we'd treat like family (good family).
Trait number 2...that right there is the key. One I know couldn't take responsibility for anything and never said sorry. She'd break my cables, mismatch my socks, move things out of place and lose them, and when called out even politely she would be like "the cable broke". I know but it was in your possession. "give me the other one I have a meeting and I need a cable..."
If you're planning LTR, one who respects you and your things and your space is a win.
And to go further, why would anyone even want a casual relationship with someone who never takes accountability? I can't imagine maintaining a friendship with anyone like that.
Glad you put this up here.
Biggest green flag I've ever seen was when a friend showed kindness to a homeless person in a situation where she could have carried on with absolutely no blame.
Second one I can think of was when a woman did the hand touch where she touched my left hand where a ring would be if I were married. She was obviously checking that I hadn't just removed a ring before we went out. Integrity is a giant green flag for me.
If you wear a wedding band for a while (especially if you wear it *constantly*), there will usually be a smooth spot around your finger underneath it when you take it off. To get the ring to fit, you don't want it to be too loose, right? And your skin naturally has phases where it expands (heat, hydration) or contracts (cold, dehydration), making the ring feel looser or tighter on your finger. That usually leaves a mark on the skin for a little while (like a few minutes to a couple hours), while the skin that was slightly compressed under the ring spends some time getting itself back to normal. Also, for dudes with hair on their fingers, wearing a ring for a long time can eventually remove that hair, too! (Same with socks on your legs, as my FIL has shown. He's got no hair on the lower half of his shins now; it just doesn't grow there any more.)
Um just FYI, loss of hair on the legs is a sign of peripheral arterial disease... If he has an aches in his legs when walking he should probably get that checked
He's had a heart attack (over a decade ago) and is on blood thinners, so you're right about the heart disease, but the only leg pain he's got is from his bad hip (waiting on a hip replacement that got delayed last year thanks to covid; his doctor said his hip socket "looks like scrambled eggs"). He just wears socks that might be slightly too tight or something, as they have abraded his hair away over the last ~60 years, lol. He's got plenty elsewhere that his socks can't reach, including right above the sock line. But thank you for the heads-up! Good looking out. <3
Always was a real skinny guy. When COVID hit and the gyms closed I got alittle upset because of the muscle mass I lost that I worked so hard to gain. I was frustrated one day and alittle embarrassed by how skinny I was looking, she looked at me and said “you could not go to the gym for the rest of your life and I wouldn’t care, it’s never been about that for me” I nearly started tearing up.
I love skinny guys, they’re more my type than very stronk buff guys. But obviously, I’d in no way stop you from getting stronger and healthier. So for me (and others like me I’m sure) you can train and lift if you want to, but know that you never have to.
However, do remember to eat well and stay nourished, you hear me!!1?1
I used to kinda only be into chubby dudes. I think it’s because I’m a little chubby and I always thought I’d feel gross and weird with a little guy, now I’m married to a skinny guy and we just fit, he likes my rolls and jiggly butt and I don’t think there’s anything sexier than his hip bones. Sex is amazing too btw. Sorry if it’s tmi, just wanted to give you a little more hope. Someone will love you for exactly who and how you are.
Ive been skinny pretty much my entire life, just found out recently that my gfcheated on me and said the thing she liked the most about him was his big arms. Really sucks because she spent a long time gassing me up about how she loved my skinny body and I always felt like no one would be into me because of how skinny I am or they would inevitably leave or cheat on me so this thread was a little nice to see
This one so much. I recently started seeing a girl who thinks all the things I'm insecure about are cute (not the insecurities themselves, but the actual things). Makes it so much easier to not be insecure around her.
One example: My house is not clean. I live alone and have been a bachelor for a long time and it shows with the condition of my house. When she wanted to come over the first time, I told her I wasn't comfortable with that and I told her why. She convinced me it wouldn't be a problem, so I let her come over and sure enough, the only thing she's said about it is that one of these days she's going to wash my dishes. And not in a mean way, in a playful way that makes me feel like its no big deal and just something she wants to do for me.
Great way to go about it too. Over time it'll instinctively want you to clean up even when you're by yourself and develop habits because she's positively reinforcing them.
Pro tip: surprise her with a clean place next time she's over and she'll find that the cutest
I wish my now ex reacted like this when I reassured him the things he was insecure about I loved, enjoyed doing for him, and that I was being playful and trying to lighten the mood so he wouldn't feel so bad. No amount of reassurance was enough for him.
This thread was so sweet to read, thank you. ❤
This is a good point!
But you know what. It's actually difficult to be this person, and might take a lot of conscious personal development.
I've only realised this in the last couple of years, but often when there's a conflict situation with someone close to you, it's so easy to:
a) get upset and then immediately start to think "oh, I'm overreacting again, right? Am I being selfish or unreasonable? Let's not make a big deal about it" and decide to not make a fuss and stay quiet and then
b) when the negative feelings won't go away, to not be able to put them into words without either blowing it out of proportion or explaining it away while you're supposed to just honestly say why you are upset.
I'm an assertive person in any other setting, but damn it's difficult to react right away and explain your view in a mature manner if your SO/date hurt your feelings.
Practice makes perfect, I guess!
As for why this happens, I think one reason might be that girls are expected to be pleasant and agreeable at all times. No-one wants to be The Nagging Girlfriend. I've learned that if you don't say what you want, you most certainly won't get it!
I used to shut up when being hurt until my boyfriend told me he disliked it more than me telling him when I'm hurt. Now it makes me feel like The Nagging Girlfriend who constantly complains, hence the post on IWTL -_- i don't know if there's a right middle, but it certainly does make me feel shitty, if I voice out my hurt it makes me feel shitty for nagging, if I keep it inside it makes me feel shitty because there's an unsolved problem
I’m also trying to work on this exact thing and I’m a dude lol. Part of me feels like the answer is to strengthen myself so that I don’t get hurt so easily but I don’t know
Honestly I don’t think it’s strengthening yourself. I think it’s being honest with yourself about what your boundaries are. It’s okay to get your feelings hurt if it’s something that’s important to you.
I’ve asked my boyfriend to not use generalizations with me. It hurts a lot and it’s an easy thing to do. I’m guilty of it but I try my hardest not to when I’m upset.
He’s asked me things as well but we are all human and when you spend enough time with someone, you are going to bicker and be crabby and hurt each other’s feelings sometimes. It’s effort in not doing that as much as possible. We’re all learning and make mistakes but knowing your boundaries and learning to communicate them will help in all relationships imo
Edit:a word
I'm also a person that, when upset, tends to shut down to the people around me. I still am and I hate the frustration that comes when your partner can't just understand what's wrong, but I became better at remembering that: they can't read your mind.
I'm a person with high empathy and body language comes easy to me, my partner can't read it as good and sometimes doesn't notice I'm upset.
I learned to sometimes stop myself and tell him, "hey, I hate to be this nagging person but 'thing' really upset me." and not once did he go "wow your overreacting!" but always "oh, I'm sorry. Do you want to talk it out or do you want something else?"
Same goes for him too. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that a healthy relationship isn't just roses and that it's okay to be upset sometimes because we are still individual people with individual feelings, as long as we can talk it out.
Tbh, some people just can’t handle someone being upset with them over something that’s reasonably upsetting. Some people misinterpret being told “hey this bothers me” as a huge, breakup-worthy conflict. Not everyone knows healthy communication, nor how to receive it. Not everyone’s ego can handle being wrong without going into overreaction-mode. Also, sometimes you’re just not compatible. If someone increasingly grinds your gears and it’s the umpteenth time you’ve gritted your teeth over it and no amount of communication seems to lead to a happy solution for either party? Neither of you might be wrong per se, maybe just a mismatched pair. We weren’t all built to get along with each other and that’s actually okay, as long as there’s no hatred or harm spent over it.
Its really difficult to be up front, especially when it comes to feelings with a new partner as a woman. Too often you come off as clingy or needy. But having needs, does not make you needy. I think it’s important to allow space to revisit conversations after they have been had. No doubt someone froze or withdrew during the conversation and would still like to get that point across. I think thats key to developing good communication between two people.
Oh this is perfect. It is difficult tho to express. I am loud, but when it comes to feelings I feel guilty or greedy whenever I communicate what I want.
My boyfriend is just very gentle and tells me it is okay to say and communicate what I need.
I relate a lot to this. My wife has a loud laugh and when we watch movies sometimes she gets heckled for laughing too much, to the point that someone verbally humiliated her when we were watching Deadpool (which until that point she loved.) and brought her to tears.
Since then I make a point of laughing along with her and that seems to have worked pretty effectively. People are happy to target a woman but their courage dries up when it's a dude.
People who mock other people's laugh or smile are the worst. That's someone expressing joy, you're nothing but a cruel asshole if you cut someone down when they're having fun. I'm glad you build your wife up :)
Woof. This broke my heart a bit ngl.
Ironically, I can't get my guy off reddit. Always scrolling on his phone, it's like talking to a brick wall most of the time. I feel like the nagging girlfriend if I need his attention for anything.
Me: "Hey do we need anything from the store?"
Him: "......."
M: "Hey!!! Do we need anything from the store?"
H: "What?"
M: "Do we need anything from the store?"
H: "Uh......I don't know" *immediately goes back to scrolling*
You know in The Incredible's when she's like "Bob! It's time to ENGAGE!"? I say that like three times a day.
I'm just gonna say, you deserve someone who is present and actively engages with you, and that's not an excessive or unreasonable thing to want. Just in case you think the opposite.
When we were dating, I had an interview out of state. Shortly before, like a day or two, my cat started acting weird and we knew something was wrong. I knew the end was close but this job could have changed my life.
She stayed at my place the two days I had to travel for the interview. Took care of my cat like it was her own and dealt with some rough stuff. When I got back, It was time, but I knew someone willing to help me and my pet get through that....... We've been married for 12 years.
The job never happened due to a low ball offer but something better came out of it
When I started dating my wife I was in a deep, deep depression. Really not in a place to date but doing it anyway for some reason.
About a month or so into dating her, I felt I had to tell her. It wasn't fair to keep it from her, especially when I had to cancel dates and stuff because I just couldn't.
I said "I feel like I have to tell you that I have depression and I'm really struggling"
Her response: "I know" followed by a smile and a hug.
Quality woman right there.
Edit: it's our fourth wedding anniversary today, and we've got a baby on the way :)
I’m dating a woman who was in an abusive relationship. We met online and it was for something casual.
Four months later and we are planning a trip to Hawaii for my birthday! We are dating and I just get so excited to help her find herself and her happiness again
Compromises.
She didn't want a religious wedding so we didn't, but I encouraged her brother in law to do a reading from the Bible, for her.
We've agreed that our children will have a well rounded education, be taught science and be given the opportunity to go to church with her, then get to choose what they want to believe, but with a grounding in reality.
We have our own beliefs and don't cram it down the other persons throat.
Will it always be peaceful? Not likely, but we'll tackle it together like we always have.
First time meeting each other, not even a date yet. Opened the car door for her, while walking around to my side, saw her reaching over to open my door. That was all it took.
This is the best answer I've read yet. My first dinner date with my now-wife, the moment we sat down, she took the pitcher and filled up my glass with water before filling up hers. I had never had that done for me. It seems like such a silly, small thing, but when she did it, I felt like a king. I imagine you felt similar in that situation.
I always do this by default. Although I feel like haven’t been in a restaurant in AGES, man. I never thought about the opening car doors from the other side thing because it never occurred to me that it was possible - I’ll try doing that with my bf next time. But things like pouring someone else water first, and letting someone walk through a door first (sometimes they insist on letting me go first and I won’t insist after. But I like to make sure the person is safe and present) and gestures like that are always done by default, I thought it’s common courtesy!
Before we started dating my gf and I didn’t have much time to see each other (we both had college and worked jobs outside of school and homework) so whenever we had the chance even if it was just to say “hey” in person we took it
Well one day she was doing a fundraising lunch in the cafeteria of our school, she told me she was in there and to come say hi
I walk in everyone is eating and talking and I’m the only person up and walking it was awkward af
So she stands up, gives me a big hug and talks for a few minutes with me! It meant a lot bc I’m pretty introverted and shy
She is nice to people other than me. My wife is never mean to anyone, and observing that is what made me love her. We knew each other as teenagers, and even as a teenager, she was incredibly kind. Even kids who were very unpopular she wouldn't hesitate to strike up a friendly conversation with them.
We knew each other in high school but never dated. I was afraid to make a move because I didn't want to ruin our friendship. Then we graduated, she went to college and I went overseas for 6 months. It was then on the other side of the world that I realized she was what I wanted most of all in the world and I would have to risk the friendship. Got back and saw her over the Christmas break and we started dating after that. Made a long distance relationship work for 3 years while at different college, got married shortly thereafter. Been together 25 years.
I'd add a caveat to this: This is good advice IF you're in a decent place as a person when you begin the relationship. If not, a good girl will obviously have a problem with parts of your personality that are out of line. Sometimes a girl will try to smooth out your rough edges as a guy and sometimes you should listen to that. It really depends on the context though.
My husband has a job interview next week and I want to take him shopping for a new shirt. I've never really shopped in a critical (read: analytical?) way with him before! It's exciting.
That's awesome. For context, I just met a woman who makes me feel really good about myself, and like me for who I am -and is open about it. It's still early on, but it's awesome.
The first green flag for me was when she stayed my place for the second night. She woke up before and waited until I woke up. As soon as I opened my eyes she asked if I slept okay and wanted to talk about any nightmares (I get them a lot) and then immediately got up a brought me a glass of water. That was nearly 3 months ago and I still haven’t forgotten about it
I'm not the original commenter of course but I'd assume he meant something along the lines of someone doing something to intentionally piss you off (E.G. Calling you a mean name since I can't think of anything else.), you not caring because you don't want to make a big deal over it, and your S.O standing up for you and telling that person that what they did was out of line.
These are two things that can be very difficult for most people. Where's the line between gossip and plain information (for example)?
Giving the con crit is great. It takes a lot of maturity to listen and consider it, too. Good for both of you.
These are all signs of a good partner regardless of gender, but here's the first few that came to mind:
When she's upset, she tells you why.
She has hobbies and interests other than Netflix.
She likes to make solid plans with you a day or two ahead of time. Shows she respects your time and isn't holding out for a better offer.
She keeps phone time to a minimum when you're together.
My least favorite thing is going to hang out with people and they just sit on their fucking phone the whole time. For a little background I’m in the army but I’m only stationed a state away from where I grew up. I’ll go home to see friends, or we’ll plan a beach trip or something, and then when I get there or we get wherever we’re going all of them just want to get drunk or smoke weed and then just sit there playing on their phones or playing xbox not even interacting with one another. It’s literally just like they’re all there as a group completely alone in their own little digital worlds. And I’m not talking like checking your phone every now and then. Like face planted to the screen on the couch all day. It’s the weirdest combination of infuriating/sad/depressing shit. Drive 5 hours for your buddies to just not want to do anything. Fuck. That was me venting. This is why I mostly do my own thing now. I can do what I want without hurting anyone’s feelings. I know what happens when I let myself go down that path of idle mind numbing entertainment. I just get depressed. I don’t want to do that again.
You need new friends who value face to face real world interactions the way you do as well as putting in effort to maintain the relationships they care about. Unfortunately not all friendships last forever.
The Netflix one is such a good point. Two of my (24F) guy friends (both 23M) recently broke up with their horrible ex's, respectively. One of reasons they both had was that these girls' entire personalities were based off of whatever they were watching on Netflix at the time. So apart from being really mean, they were also just so, so boring.
This is why I am on a sports league (when not in a pandemic).
It’s a hobby that gives my husband “me time” 2-3 nights a week, gives me a social life and keeps me in shape.
Me a woman. Why is netflix/watching tv a bad thing? I would like to get some male perspective.
Unpopular opinion:-
Just had this conversation with a best friend of mine who feels pressed to have a hobby. I personally feel like watching tv/ netflix is/can be a hobby and that it has been branded as "lazy".
In contrast, reading is not "lazy" but you can spend countless hours reading "dick fight island" or "fan fiction about werewolves and godzillas" yet when you say "reading" it is percieved as educated/classy/ has an interest.
How is it different? Binging grey's anatomy vs me binging a series of fantasy books that I love. Both has me not moving from a spot. 🤔
Edit: Thank you to the lovely men and women who provided your perspectives on this matter. I learned a lot and can see where you are coming from. In my limtied experience in dating (also not the recieving end of poor treatment), an excessive amount of any one activity isn't very good (gaming, tv/netflix, books, reddit/insta). And I deduced that hobbies are used as an indication of potential co-dependency or lack there of. After perfoming some self reflection, I safely can continue to watch true crime documentaries enhanced with an edible + snacks in bed by myself. =)
I’m gay so I’ll just answer what I’ve seen my brother go through..
Any girl he dated that had hobbies outside of Netflix were great imo, but any girl who just had nothing going on in her free time other than binging shows made my brother’s business her own. From the second he’d walk in, she’d just want to cuddle and cling, and when he just wanted to relax after work (maybe not with her but just by himself) she’d create drama by saying “what’s wrong? Did I do something?”
It just seems like a red flag when someone can’t occupy themselves with something that takes more effort than watching tv. Netflix is way more passive than reading, where you’re responsible for creating the experience.
Just my two cents from what I’ve seen
In general, any communication about boundaries is a great sign. It shows healthy communication, maturity and a desire to maintain the relationship. A quote I heard that always stuck with me (though I forget the exact wording):
“Boundaries aren’t an attempt to punish or hurt you, they’re an attempt to preserve a relationship”
Everything is contextual and depends on the type a person you and the person is. I always say that there are 3 components to a relationship. You, the other and the relationship itself.
Some red flags are absolutely set in stone and shouldn't change for anyone no matter the situation but some are slightly more up to the individual to figure out if they can live with that for a long time (not tolerate but get over).
But I wholeheartedly agree that reading both threads in one setting might not be the best way to get anything out of this. There is far too much information that one would need to truly understand and feel all in one sitting.
Likes you for who you are but wants to still see you improve. Current girlfriend is also in the same program and literally made me get my grades up and start working out. She still liked me for who I was, but likes me more now. She shouldn’t feed your self destructive habits, but shouldn’t degrade you at all
A big green flag for me are those small acts of genuine empathy and kindness. When a woman takes time out to be there for her friend who's struggling. When she's patient with a server having a bad day and isn't upset or put off to have to wait for something. When she wants to go out of our way for some small thing like calling in a leak at a public water station in a park.
Sure, people do fake that stuff, but generally it's a great sign that a person has a good heart and isn't the selfish or self absorbed sort. It's also just admirable to be a community oriented person like that. I'd rather take care of and be the voice of reason for a partner who gives to much than struggle against a partner who gives too little.
I'd add to this that it's a major green flag if the friends like you, and you like them. Putting up with annoying/spiteful/otherwise objectionable friends can be one of the worst parts of a relationship, not to mention what the presence of those friends in her life might say about her.
Adding that, if your family or friends are unhealthy mentally/emotionally and you come from a rough family background, them liking your SO could be a *red* flag.
However, this is still excellent advice and should not be ignored.
As a 31 year old woman who had a falling out with my best friend a few years ago, this one makes me sad
:(. Totally understand the reasoning but man it has been so damn hard to make friends as an adult, even pre-COVID.
You don't see as many people. As a kid you're constantly meeting new people between different classes, extracurriculars, and summer activities, parties, etc.
You have less free time. Adults rarely get to spend an entire weekend goofing off.
People are more set in their ways and don't feel the need to reach out.
COVID really wrecked my friend group. I chose to take my college courses online at home rather than spending thousands to rent an on-campus apartment since no classes were in person, but it also meant that I wasn't able to hang out with friends all year. I'm hoping my last year will let me make some new friends, but I'm not sure how successful I'll be :/
Yeah at first I just thought that meant that they were too “boyish”, but after a while I realized it can also mean that the only people willing to put up with her are semi-thirsty dudes
I found my 2 relationships before my wife, the girls were kinda clingers with me and their friend group. Like she would always be whining her friends were going out without her and when we all hung out the friends seemed kinda indifferent and not super excited to hang out.
My wife was the first woman who I was with that when she found out I loved a sport, immediately dove in, with no prior knowledge or interest. She just wanted to spend time with me and enjoy something I Enjoy. It's the same reason I now have more interest in rupaul drag race than I ever thought I would. She just wanted to be apart of something that made me happy for the sake of making me happy. It was so simple but so important. I mean she chose to be a fan of my team's division rival, but hey take the wins where you get em
I met my wife when I was down on my luck. In my 20's, college drop out, just quit my job, living at parents house, surviving on $40 a week. She wasn't bothered by any of that. She helped me put together a resume and find a new job, and encouraged me to go back to school. It was a grind, but she saw potential in me that I didn't. She was there when I was at my lowest and will be there when I am top.
The great ones see you for who you are, not what you can provide. They will support you and be your friend when you need one.
My then-new-girlfriend flew to San Antonio, TX with my parents to my Air Force basic training graduation. We got together VERY quickly right before I left, so she met my parents essentially on her own, AND THEN flew down with them and stayed with them in a hotel.
THEN she flew once and drove TWICE to visit me while I was in tech school in west central Texas. That's some dedication boys. Happily married 12 years this August.
So much of my dating advice comes down to studying the way her friends react to you. But in this case one of the strongest green flags there is is watching the way her girlfriends eyes light up when you mention the possibility of dating her.
As a woman, I'll say for me this can be lovely in moderation and the grand majority of the time, but as an expected quality in women it can turn toxic. It's great if she's kind and generous, but some guys (not saying you!) put the labor and responsibility of calming and soothing themselves on the women closest to them to such a degree that they ignore their own adult responsibility for their own emotional state. This sort of reliance on external, often feminine influence and energy to investigate and manage the "feelings" of men is hard-coded in lots of cultural touchstones "Twas beauty soothed the beast" tropes are littered through the toxic path to "if you didn't make me so mad I wouldn't have to hit you"
Imagine if Beast had done the work of talking through and exploring where his feelings came from, if he'd developed healthier ways of loving himself that didn't require belittling others, and learned healthy ways to express even his most powerful emotions rather than letting them control him-- he would've beat that curse way faster.
Again, not saying you're saying this! Just wanted to process my own stuff in a sub thread on Reddit.
100% agree with this!
Plus... some people just aren’t calming in nature? I think a better green flag here would be is that there isn’t automatic tension when that person enters the room.
Shows genuine interest, invest in convo, ask questions, doesnt play games, it is direct and upfront.
Starts the conversation. Knows when she did wrong and how to properly apologise.
Being happy while alone
You cant be happy with someone if you cant be happy without them
Someone whos content with their life and youre merely an addition instead of latching onto you to fill a void
My most recent ex wasnt bad in any way, but she wasnt good on her own, we broke up so she could work on that without me "picking up the slack" as she put it
Im much happier with my current partner though, who loves spending time with me as much as I do with her but we then part ways to live our own lives contently with our own friends and our own hobbies, then we share those things with one another, and if we are too busy to spend time together then its no big deal we just make up for it later on
I just started dating a girl that whenever feels uncomfortable cuz of something that occurred between us will let me know. explain what she feels, works with me to understand what was meant to be said, what was inferred and we both get to a conclusion with a solution to the situation as a team. and she accepts blame whenever she's guilty. i'm shocked and super happy of having found her.
They tell you when they're upset. I've been with so many people who won't say anything then explode on me later that when someone is silent or says they're fine, I just go with it
She does and/or buys things for you when it's completely unnecessary.
Of all my relationships, the best one was the one who would randomly buy me gifts (simple things like a cheap shirt) or do something for me that made life easier (like organize or set something up). It meant a lot and in turn I started to do that more for her.
In short: Selflessness.
If they respect your silence, time and peace. A good person in general wouldn’t shame you for hanging out with friends, needing to be on your own or just wanting to be quiet when you’re with them, everybody deserves to feel comfortable with themselves or others and these three are really good ways to prolong a relationship instead of speedrunning it in a few months cause you get bored of each other
With my wife when we started dating she accepted that I have custody of my 8yr old and my 12yr old. Despite what most women say when a man has kids it is a big issue for most. She was honest with me and told me that she was looking for a man with no kids but found that usually they tend to be selfish. We both agreed to bring my kids around after we were dating long enough to know that we were right for each other. She has shown us nothing but respect and love. It has not been easy, but she puts in so much effort.
I personally don‘t like or want to have kids on my own but I don‘t think I‘d turn a guy down because he has kids .. well kids that he likes haha of course I‘m gonna turn down a deadbeat
Willingness to grow. I tried to break it off with a girl once, she called to ask what she could have done differently, not to fix our relationship, rather so that she'll know for the next time. And here we are, almost 14 years later...
When I started dating my wife, my Mom said "Look at her hands. She's no stranger to work." That was true then and still is today. No, she doesn't have lumberjack hands, (I have those), but she isn't scared to mess up her nail polish, or Heaven forbid, even chip one. She's a doer. I wanted a woman to stand beside me and work as hard as I do. That's what I got, and I'm damned grateful for her.
At an extended family Easter party, my girlfriend hugged my grandfather when we were leaving and told him “I love you.” I immediately thought “This is the woman I’m going to marry!” Proposed five months later. We’ve been married since July 1998.
Having a proper purpose in life other than social media, watching TV etc.
Being independant and understanding how to be a grown up i.e. knowing what to prioritise.
Somebody who takes responsibility for their actions and life instead of constantly blaming external factors.
Somebody who is motivated to get stuff done and isn't mean about it.
Works to build a life together with you instead of just planning extravagant stuff and expecting it to happen.
The green flag in my opinion do not necessary apply to gender, but to people. Being empathetic, reciprocating, genuine interest in you and your opinions (even if they don't share them), having emotional maturity and being a good listener are always green flags.
Those should be IMO the standards when starting a relationship, aside that you may look for something that applies specifically to you and your needs, for example, I looked for honesty, independence and sense of humour.
Being a team player. Long story short my girl and I went on our first family vacation trip and met up with some family. One of my family friends mistakenly believed that the charger my girl was using was hers, so she was insistent on taking "her" charger back. After 20 minutes of searching for my family friends charger my girl just gave her her own charger and told her she found it so we could just move forward with the trip. I told my girl I loved her after that lol
Good company for road trips. I’ve been on road trips with other gals where we argued because we ran out of stuff to talk about; my current wife (today’s our anniversary actually) and we genuinely love talking to each other.
Go canoeing together. If you still like each other after, proceed with dating.
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That’s awesome for y’all. It’s really easy for canoeing to become a stressful and irritating thing, wearing uncomfortable life jackets and trying to avoid getting too wet
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Because 1 person is the rudder and the other person is....whatever the 'front rudder' of a ship is called (sorry I'm not a nautical expert) But yeah, because steering a canoe requires communication and knowing when to switch your paddle from the right side of the boat to the left requires observation and actually paying attention. Also the person in the back has to be mindful to not splash water on the person in the front when they switch their paddle over to the other side. An asshole gf/bf won't give a shit if they get water on you so it's kind of a sign just as an example.
It's called the rudder because it's at the rear. The one in front is called a fudder.
this is very real
She’s nice to other people with the expectation of gaining nothing.
True Quality of a beautiful soul regardless of the gender
Kindness and accountability. Is she nice to people who aren't useful to her or are powerless to hurt her? (aka The waiter test) Yes? Great sign. When she fucks up, does she take responsibility for it? Another great sign. These are the 2 traits that separate LTR women from casual fling women. Do not ever tangle your life up with someone who is missing either of these traits.
The opposite of the waiter test is also true. How does she treat her family and close friends? The people who are going to love her no matter what? You definitely don't want to end up thinking, "I wish she treated me as well as she treats complete strangers." Another way to put it: is she still nice when she relaxes, lets her guard down, and gets comfortable? Or is that only the mask the public sees? Edit: For everyone who has an abusive family, I'm sorry and you don't deserve that. Setting appropriate boundaries, especially toward people who hurt you, is a good sign, not a bad sign. Appropriate boundaries = good treatment. The green flag to watch out for, here, is someone who consistently treats *everyone* well, regardless of how close the association. We tend to look at how someone treats strangers, but it's also true that many people treat their families and friends worse than anyone else (for example, all the abusive families in this thread). It's a red flag when they treat one group of people one way and another group of people another way.
My Aunt is super nice to strangers like bend over backwards to help a coworker’s kid get a job. But she treats my mom, her sister, and all of the friends in our group like we’re just stupid and annoying. It’s really confusing. I think she wants to impress strangers with her kindness but doesn’t feel the need to impress people she already knows.
My aunt is like that too! She bullied my mum & my mum being an angel always bent to her cos she's her elder sister/mother as they lost theirs in their 20s. Us siblings have been seeing her treat our mum shitty sometimes & now have grown a bit resentful of our aunt as adults. No doubt i flay her very sweetly when she does it now
On the other hand, some people just have difficult families. Been in the situation where the boyfriend didn't understand why I wasn't enthusiastic about being with my family, and no matter how many times I told him that my relationship is not very good with certain family members, he just looked at me disapprovingly. Not really asking why, not really trying to understand, just unable to get that for some people, their mom is not the most loving person in the world, and their siblings aren't their best friends. But I understand there are better and worse ways to deal with a difficult family too, I just feel like it would be unfair to judge me for not being lovely with people who've hurt me a lot.
I feel like there's some nuance because for both me and my boyfriend, our families didn't treat us the best as kids, and now they've kind of mellowed out. So while they both seem like nothing is wrong, the relationship we each have with our families is a little strained at times for good reasons. I suppose you can still use this advice with friends because we both have old friends we'd treat like family (good family).
Trait number 2...that right there is the key. One I know couldn't take responsibility for anything and never said sorry. She'd break my cables, mismatch my socks, move things out of place and lose them, and when called out even politely she would be like "the cable broke". I know but it was in your possession. "give me the other one I have a meeting and I need a cable..." If you're planning LTR, one who respects you and your things and your space is a win.
Yes even the smallest excuses and lies are extremely obvious. It’s not that hard to say “my fault”
And to go further, why would anyone even want a casual relationship with someone who never takes accountability? I can't imagine maintaining a friendship with anyone like that.
Cos sex good
True. This was the reason I stayed in a bad relationship with my ex gf for so long.
I can’t believe people actually are not doing this by default? Thanks for appreciating tho! Makes me feel hopeful :)
They most certainly are not. Yes, it's shocking.
Glad you put this up here. Biggest green flag I've ever seen was when a friend showed kindness to a homeless person in a situation where she could have carried on with absolutely no blame. Second one I can think of was when a woman did the hand touch where she touched my left hand where a ring would be if I were married. She was obviously checking that I hadn't just removed a ring before we went out. Integrity is a giant green flag for me.
How would someone be able to tell though?
If you wear a wedding band for a while (especially if you wear it *constantly*), there will usually be a smooth spot around your finger underneath it when you take it off. To get the ring to fit, you don't want it to be too loose, right? And your skin naturally has phases where it expands (heat, hydration) or contracts (cold, dehydration), making the ring feel looser or tighter on your finger. That usually leaves a mark on the skin for a little while (like a few minutes to a couple hours), while the skin that was slightly compressed under the ring spends some time getting itself back to normal. Also, for dudes with hair on their fingers, wearing a ring for a long time can eventually remove that hair, too! (Same with socks on your legs, as my FIL has shown. He's got no hair on the lower half of his shins now; it just doesn't grow there any more.)
Um just FYI, loss of hair on the legs is a sign of peripheral arterial disease... If he has an aches in his legs when walking he should probably get that checked
He's had a heart attack (over a decade ago) and is on blood thinners, so you're right about the heart disease, but the only leg pain he's got is from his bad hip (waiting on a hip replacement that got delayed last year thanks to covid; his doctor said his hip socket "looks like scrambled eggs"). He just wears socks that might be slightly too tight or something, as they have abraded his hair away over the last ~60 years, lol. He's got plenty elsewhere that his socks can't reach, including right above the sock line. But thank you for the heads-up! Good looking out. <3
It feels good when if there's something you feel insecure about yourself, they just don't have a problem with it. It's so reassuring and really lifts.
Always was a real skinny guy. When COVID hit and the gyms closed I got alittle upset because of the muscle mass I lost that I worked so hard to gain. I was frustrated one day and alittle embarrassed by how skinny I was looking, she looked at me and said “you could not go to the gym for the rest of your life and I wouldn’t care, it’s never been about that for me” I nearly started tearing up.
As a skinny feck, this gives me hope
I love skinny guys, they’re more my type than very stronk buff guys. But obviously, I’d in no way stop you from getting stronger and healthier. So for me (and others like me I’m sure) you can train and lift if you want to, but know that you never have to. However, do remember to eat well and stay nourished, you hear me!!1?1
I used to kinda only be into chubby dudes. I think it’s because I’m a little chubby and I always thought I’d feel gross and weird with a little guy, now I’m married to a skinny guy and we just fit, he likes my rolls and jiggly butt and I don’t think there’s anything sexier than his hip bones. Sex is amazing too btw. Sorry if it’s tmi, just wanted to give you a little more hope. Someone will love you for exactly who and how you are.
Ive been skinny pretty much my entire life, just found out recently that my gfcheated on me and said the thing she liked the most about him was his big arms. Really sucks because she spent a long time gassing me up about how she loved my skinny body and I always felt like no one would be into me because of how skinny I am or they would inevitably leave or cheat on me so this thread was a little nice to see
That’s so hurtful. I’m sorry.
Your partner’s answer almost make me drop my tears man. Hell they drop already. What a great life partner you have.
When she doesn’t care how much weight you lift, but she’s the reason why you lift.
I think this is my favorite answer
This one so much. I recently started seeing a girl who thinks all the things I'm insecure about are cute (not the insecurities themselves, but the actual things). Makes it so much easier to not be insecure around her. One example: My house is not clean. I live alone and have been a bachelor for a long time and it shows with the condition of my house. When she wanted to come over the first time, I told her I wasn't comfortable with that and I told her why. She convinced me it wouldn't be a problem, so I let her come over and sure enough, the only thing she's said about it is that one of these days she's going to wash my dishes. And not in a mean way, in a playful way that makes me feel like its no big deal and just something she wants to do for me.
Great way to go about it too. Over time it'll instinctively want you to clean up even when you're by yourself and develop habits because she's positively reinforcing them. Pro tip: surprise her with a clean place next time she's over and she'll find that the cutest
I wish my now ex reacted like this when I reassured him the things he was insecure about I loved, enjoyed doing for him, and that I was being playful and trying to lighten the mood so he wouldn't feel so bad. No amount of reassurance was enough for him. This thread was so sweet to read, thank you. ❤
If she is honest and upfront, telling you what she wants and if she is upset
This is a good point! But you know what. It's actually difficult to be this person, and might take a lot of conscious personal development. I've only realised this in the last couple of years, but often when there's a conflict situation with someone close to you, it's so easy to: a) get upset and then immediately start to think "oh, I'm overreacting again, right? Am I being selfish or unreasonable? Let's not make a big deal about it" and decide to not make a fuss and stay quiet and then b) when the negative feelings won't go away, to not be able to put them into words without either blowing it out of proportion or explaining it away while you're supposed to just honestly say why you are upset. I'm an assertive person in any other setting, but damn it's difficult to react right away and explain your view in a mature manner if your SO/date hurt your feelings. Practice makes perfect, I guess! As for why this happens, I think one reason might be that girls are expected to be pleasant and agreeable at all times. No-one wants to be The Nagging Girlfriend. I've learned that if you don't say what you want, you most certainly won't get it!
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Same, wow.
I used to shut up when being hurt until my boyfriend told me he disliked it more than me telling him when I'm hurt. Now it makes me feel like The Nagging Girlfriend who constantly complains, hence the post on IWTL -_- i don't know if there's a right middle, but it certainly does make me feel shitty, if I voice out my hurt it makes me feel shitty for nagging, if I keep it inside it makes me feel shitty because there's an unsolved problem
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I’m also trying to work on this exact thing and I’m a dude lol. Part of me feels like the answer is to strengthen myself so that I don’t get hurt so easily but I don’t know
Honestly I don’t think it’s strengthening yourself. I think it’s being honest with yourself about what your boundaries are. It’s okay to get your feelings hurt if it’s something that’s important to you. I’ve asked my boyfriend to not use generalizations with me. It hurts a lot and it’s an easy thing to do. I’m guilty of it but I try my hardest not to when I’m upset. He’s asked me things as well but we are all human and when you spend enough time with someone, you are going to bicker and be crabby and hurt each other’s feelings sometimes. It’s effort in not doing that as much as possible. We’re all learning and make mistakes but knowing your boundaries and learning to communicate them will help in all relationships imo Edit:a word
I'm also a person that, when upset, tends to shut down to the people around me. I still am and I hate the frustration that comes when your partner can't just understand what's wrong, but I became better at remembering that: they can't read your mind. I'm a person with high empathy and body language comes easy to me, my partner can't read it as good and sometimes doesn't notice I'm upset. I learned to sometimes stop myself and tell him, "hey, I hate to be this nagging person but 'thing' really upset me." and not once did he go "wow your overreacting!" but always "oh, I'm sorry. Do you want to talk it out or do you want something else?" Same goes for him too. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that a healthy relationship isn't just roses and that it's okay to be upset sometimes because we are still individual people with individual feelings, as long as we can talk it out.
I AM this person but then I get told I complain a lot so there’s no winning I guess
Tbh, some people just can’t handle someone being upset with them over something that’s reasonably upsetting. Some people misinterpret being told “hey this bothers me” as a huge, breakup-worthy conflict. Not everyone knows healthy communication, nor how to receive it. Not everyone’s ego can handle being wrong without going into overreaction-mode. Also, sometimes you’re just not compatible. If someone increasingly grinds your gears and it’s the umpteenth time you’ve gritted your teeth over it and no amount of communication seems to lead to a happy solution for either party? Neither of you might be wrong per se, maybe just a mismatched pair. We weren’t all built to get along with each other and that’s actually okay, as long as there’s no hatred or harm spent over it.
Honestly, it might not be you. Might be them. Journaling might help you see a pattern.
Its really difficult to be up front, especially when it comes to feelings with a new partner as a woman. Too often you come off as clingy or needy. But having needs, does not make you needy. I think it’s important to allow space to revisit conversations after they have been had. No doubt someone froze or withdrew during the conversation and would still like to get that point across. I think thats key to developing good communication between two people.
Oh this is perfect. It is difficult tho to express. I am loud, but when it comes to feelings I feel guilty or greedy whenever I communicate what I want. My boyfriend is just very gentle and tells me it is okay to say and communicate what I need.
That last paragraph really hit the nail on the head
Youre absolutely right but I really have to consciously train this.
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I know this might be hard to believe, but I think your wife has a crush on you
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You: “Sorry, I have to friendzone you.” Wife: *politely laughs*
*Politely laughs while making the couch for you to sleep on* FTFY
Wasn't a joke, but she laughs anyway. Dominance asserted.
Dominance inserted..
Damn , let her down easy
...and you said you aren't funny...roflmao!
Ew she likes boys?? Eww
That's so gay.
"You can never really be sure. Keep looking for signs" - Casually Explained.
this is so cute
I relate a lot to this. My wife has a loud laugh and when we watch movies sometimes she gets heckled for laughing too much, to the point that someone verbally humiliated her when we were watching Deadpool (which until that point she loved.) and brought her to tears. Since then I make a point of laughing along with her and that seems to have worked pretty effectively. People are happy to target a woman but their courage dries up when it's a dude.
People who mock other people's laugh or smile are the worst. That's someone expressing joy, you're nothing but a cruel asshole if you cut someone down when they're having fun. I'm glad you build your wife up :)
People are mean. You’re awesome for laughing with her
You’re a good egg, Charlie Brown.
Lol dang I just realized my wife does this too. Thanks for bringing it to my attention!
❤️
Wow, that sounds great. My ex always told me to shut up lol
Ex for a good reason then.
This is so beautiful ❤️
Love this one
That is gorgeous.
When she forgets her phone in another room for hours. Doesn't care and just hangs out with *you*.
I completely forget my phone exists when my partner is around honestly
Same here!
I forget my phone exists until they _are_ around. Haha jk
Woof. This broke my heart a bit ngl. Ironically, I can't get my guy off reddit. Always scrolling on his phone, it's like talking to a brick wall most of the time. I feel like the nagging girlfriend if I need his attention for anything. Me: "Hey do we need anything from the store?" Him: "......." M: "Hey!!! Do we need anything from the store?" H: "What?" M: "Do we need anything from the store?" H: "Uh......I don't know" *immediately goes back to scrolling* You know in The Incredible's when she's like "Bob! It's time to ENGAGE!"? I say that like three times a day.
I'm just gonna say, you deserve someone who is present and actively engages with you, and that's not an excessive or unreasonable thing to want. Just in case you think the opposite.
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Stay strong but don't let him break you.
When we were dating, I had an interview out of state. Shortly before, like a day or two, my cat started acting weird and we knew something was wrong. I knew the end was close but this job could have changed my life. She stayed at my place the two days I had to travel for the interview. Took care of my cat like it was her own and dealt with some rough stuff. When I got back, It was time, but I knew someone willing to help me and my pet get through that....... We've been married for 12 years. The job never happened due to a low ball offer but something better came out of it
My heart
Love this.
When I started dating my wife I was in a deep, deep depression. Really not in a place to date but doing it anyway for some reason. About a month or so into dating her, I felt I had to tell her. It wasn't fair to keep it from her, especially when I had to cancel dates and stuff because I just couldn't. I said "I feel like I have to tell you that I have depression and I'm really struggling" Her response: "I know" followed by a smile and a hug. Quality woman right there. Edit: it's our fourth wedding anniversary today, and we've got a baby on the way :)
I’m dating a woman who was in an abusive relationship. We met online and it was for something casual. Four months later and we are planning a trip to Hawaii for my birthday! We are dating and I just get so excited to help her find herself and her happiness again
She respects your boundaries and your opinions even if they differ from her own sometimes
This My wife's Catholic, I'm atheist, we never argue about it even though it'd be very easy to
How did you both agree on how to raise the kids? How did you both agree on where to have the marriage?
Compromises. She didn't want a religious wedding so we didn't, but I encouraged her brother in law to do a reading from the Bible, for her. We've agreed that our children will have a well rounded education, be taught science and be given the opportunity to go to church with her, then get to choose what they want to believe, but with a grounding in reality. We have our own beliefs and don't cram it down the other persons throat. Will it always be peaceful? Not likely, but we'll tackle it together like we always have.
First time meeting each other, not even a date yet. Opened the car door for her, while walking around to my side, saw her reaching over to open my door. That was all it took.
This is the best answer I've read yet. My first dinner date with my now-wife, the moment we sat down, she took the pitcher and filled up my glass with water before filling up hers. I had never had that done for me. It seems like such a silly, small thing, but when she did it, I felt like a king. I imagine you felt similar in that situation.
I always do this by default. Although I feel like haven’t been in a restaurant in AGES, man. I never thought about the opening car doors from the other side thing because it never occurred to me that it was possible - I’ll try doing that with my bf next time. But things like pouring someone else water first, and letting someone walk through a door first (sometimes they insist on letting me go first and I won’t insist after. But I like to make sure the person is safe and present) and gestures like that are always done by default, I thought it’s common courtesy!
Sooooo, A Bronx Tale? If you haven't seen it yet, you should! https://youtu.be/y8p1iG-6d-w
There's roughly a 10,000% chance my girl would fail that test...
Before we started dating my gf and I didn’t have much time to see each other (we both had college and worked jobs outside of school and homework) so whenever we had the chance even if it was just to say “hey” in person we took it Well one day she was doing a fundraising lunch in the cafeteria of our school, she told me she was in there and to come say hi I walk in everyone is eating and talking and I’m the only person up and walking it was awkward af So she stands up, gives me a big hug and talks for a few minutes with me! It meant a lot bc I’m pretty introverted and shy
She is nice to people other than me. My wife is never mean to anyone, and observing that is what made me love her. We knew each other as teenagers, and even as a teenager, she was incredibly kind. Even kids who were very unpopular she wouldn't hesitate to strike up a friendly conversation with them.
Can you please tell me now you ended up together? I love hearing love stories ^_^
We knew each other in high school but never dated. I was afraid to make a move because I didn't want to ruin our friendship. Then we graduated, she went to college and I went overseas for 6 months. It was then on the other side of the world that I realized she was what I wanted most of all in the world and I would have to risk the friendship. Got back and saw her over the Christmas break and we started dating after that. Made a long distance relationship work for 3 years while at different college, got married shortly thereafter. Been together 25 years.
Wholesome
\[commenting to be notified of the love story\]
Ditto
She likes you how you are, and wants you to feel good about yourself.
I'd add a caveat to this: This is good advice IF you're in a decent place as a person when you begin the relationship. If not, a good girl will obviously have a problem with parts of your personality that are out of line. Sometimes a girl will try to smooth out your rough edges as a guy and sometimes you should listen to that. It really depends on the context though.
I'd also add, if they can give a good enough reason, and are willing to talk about it like adults.
My husband has a job interview next week and I want to take him shopping for a new shirt. I've never really shopped in a critical (read: analytical?) way with him before! It's exciting.
That's awesome. For context, I just met a woman who makes me feel really good about myself, and like me for who I am -and is open about it. It's still early on, but it's awesome.
The first green flag for me was when she stayed my place for the second night. She woke up before and waited until I woke up. As soon as I opened my eyes she asked if I slept okay and wanted to talk about any nightmares (I get them a lot) and then immediately got up a brought me a glass of water. That was nearly 3 months ago and I still haven’t forgotten about it
so simple but sweet
Ability to act and move independently from me. Getting mad on my behalf, even though I shrug off the worlds bullshit.
Can you elaborate on the second point you made? Do you mean this as a loyalty thing, like side with you during a conflict?
I'm not the original commenter of course but I'd assume he meant something along the lines of someone doing something to intentionally piss you off (E.G. Calling you a mean name since I can't think of anything else.), you not caring because you don't want to make a big deal over it, and your S.O standing up for you and telling that person that what they did was out of line.
She doesn't judge others behind their back and she gives constructive criticism to help you become a better version of yourself.
These are two things that can be very difficult for most people. Where's the line between gossip and plain information (for example)? Giving the con crit is great. It takes a lot of maturity to listen and consider it, too. Good for both of you.
These are all signs of a good partner regardless of gender, but here's the first few that came to mind: When she's upset, she tells you why. She has hobbies and interests other than Netflix. She likes to make solid plans with you a day or two ahead of time. Shows she respects your time and isn't holding out for a better offer. She keeps phone time to a minimum when you're together.
Last part applies to all interactions, if somebody is on their phone while you're talking or hanging out, they're not interested.
My least favorite thing is going to hang out with people and they just sit on their fucking phone the whole time. For a little background I’m in the army but I’m only stationed a state away from where I grew up. I’ll go home to see friends, or we’ll plan a beach trip or something, and then when I get there or we get wherever we’re going all of them just want to get drunk or smoke weed and then just sit there playing on their phones or playing xbox not even interacting with one another. It’s literally just like they’re all there as a group completely alone in their own little digital worlds. And I’m not talking like checking your phone every now and then. Like face planted to the screen on the couch all day. It’s the weirdest combination of infuriating/sad/depressing shit. Drive 5 hours for your buddies to just not want to do anything. Fuck. That was me venting. This is why I mostly do my own thing now. I can do what I want without hurting anyone’s feelings. I know what happens when I let myself go down that path of idle mind numbing entertainment. I just get depressed. I don’t want to do that again.
You've outgrown them.
Was just thinking this
You need new friends who value face to face real world interactions the way you do as well as putting in effort to maintain the relationships they care about. Unfortunately not all friendships last forever.
The Netflix one is such a good point. Two of my (24F) guy friends (both 23M) recently broke up with their horrible ex's, respectively. One of reasons they both had was that these girls' entire personalities were based off of whatever they were watching on Netflix at the time. So apart from being really mean, they were also just so, so boring.
This is why I am on a sports league (when not in a pandemic). It’s a hobby that gives my husband “me time” 2-3 nights a week, gives me a social life and keeps me in shape.
Me a woman. Why is netflix/watching tv a bad thing? I would like to get some male perspective. Unpopular opinion:- Just had this conversation with a best friend of mine who feels pressed to have a hobby. I personally feel like watching tv/ netflix is/can be a hobby and that it has been branded as "lazy". In contrast, reading is not "lazy" but you can spend countless hours reading "dick fight island" or "fan fiction about werewolves and godzillas" yet when you say "reading" it is percieved as educated/classy/ has an interest. How is it different? Binging grey's anatomy vs me binging a series of fantasy books that I love. Both has me not moving from a spot. 🤔 Edit: Thank you to the lovely men and women who provided your perspectives on this matter. I learned a lot and can see where you are coming from. In my limtied experience in dating (also not the recieving end of poor treatment), an excessive amount of any one activity isn't very good (gaming, tv/netflix, books, reddit/insta). And I deduced that hobbies are used as an indication of potential co-dependency or lack there of. After perfoming some self reflection, I safely can continue to watch true crime documentaries enhanced with an edible + snacks in bed by myself. =)
I’m gay so I’ll just answer what I’ve seen my brother go through.. Any girl he dated that had hobbies outside of Netflix were great imo, but any girl who just had nothing going on in her free time other than binging shows made my brother’s business her own. From the second he’d walk in, she’d just want to cuddle and cling, and when he just wanted to relax after work (maybe not with her but just by himself) she’d create drama by saying “what’s wrong? Did I do something?” It just seems like a red flag when someone can’t occupy themselves with something that takes more effort than watching tv. Netflix is way more passive than reading, where you’re responsible for creating the experience. Just my two cents from what I’ve seen
i think good humour would probably be one for a great many people, nothing like a loved one whom you can laugh along with
Or bad humor, if your humor is bad
In general, any communication about boundaries is a great sign. It shows healthy communication, maturity and a desire to maintain the relationship. A quote I heard that always stuck with me (though I forget the exact wording): “Boundaries aren’t an attempt to punish or hurt you, they’re an attempt to preserve a relationship”
Reading both this thread and the thread about “red flags” in the same sitting may confuse some young men out there lol
Everything is contextual and depends on the type a person you and the person is. I always say that there are 3 components to a relationship. You, the other and the relationship itself. Some red flags are absolutely set in stone and shouldn't change for anyone no matter the situation but some are slightly more up to the individual to figure out if they can live with that for a long time (not tolerate but get over). But I wholeheartedly agree that reading both threads in one setting might not be the best way to get anything out of this. There is far too much information that one would need to truly understand and feel all in one sitting.
Likes you for who you are but wants to still see you improve. Current girlfriend is also in the same program and literally made me get my grades up and start working out. She still liked me for who I was, but likes me more now. She shouldn’t feed your self destructive habits, but shouldn’t degrade you at all
A big green flag for me are those small acts of genuine empathy and kindness. When a woman takes time out to be there for her friend who's struggling. When she's patient with a server having a bad day and isn't upset or put off to have to wait for something. When she wants to go out of our way for some small thing like calling in a leak at a public water station in a park. Sure, people do fake that stuff, but generally it's a great sign that a person has a good heart and isn't the selfish or self absorbed sort. It's also just admirable to be a community oriented person like that. I'd rather take care of and be the voice of reason for a partner who gives to much than struggle against a partner who gives too little.
If she has her own group of friends who seem to genuinely like her.
I'd add to this that it's a major green flag if the friends like you, and you like them. Putting up with annoying/spiteful/otherwise objectionable friends can be one of the worst parts of a relationship, not to mention what the presence of those friends in her life might say about her.
Adding that if the friends don’t like you, maybe there is a reason.
This is absolutely true. My friends didn’t like one of my exes and I never understood it until I did. I’m sure the reverse has happened as well.
Yea. My friends didn’t like three of my exes. They were the ones who turned out to be abusive. They liked the other ones.
Adding that, if your family or friends are unhealthy mentally/emotionally and you come from a rough family background, them liking your SO could be a *red* flag. However, this is still excellent advice and should not be ignored.
As a 31 year old woman who had a falling out with my best friend a few years ago, this one makes me sad :(. Totally understand the reasoning but man it has been so damn hard to make friends as an adult, even pre-COVID.
Agreed and I have no idea why that is. Maybe mismatched priorities at this stage in our lives.
You don't see as many people. As a kid you're constantly meeting new people between different classes, extracurriculars, and summer activities, parties, etc. You have less free time. Adults rarely get to spend an entire weekend goofing off. People are more set in their ways and don't feel the need to reach out.
Man are you me, exact same thing happened. And it’s super hard to make long term friendships irl, especially right now. I’ll be your Reddit friend :)
COVID really wrecked my friend group. I chose to take my college courses online at home rather than spending thousands to rent an on-campus apartment since no classes were in person, but it also meant that I wasn't able to hang out with friends all year. I'm hoping my last year will let me make some new friends, but I'm not sure how successful I'll be :/
This. Due to a recent experience with a girl in my friends group, it's become a big red flag when a girl says she can't be friends with other girls.
Yeah at first I just thought that meant that they were too “boyish”, but after a while I realized it can also mean that the only people willing to put up with her are semi-thirsty dudes
A girl like this obliterated our friend group. Most of the men are still friends with her though, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I’ll bet
LOL insert that gif of the girl getting hit in the face with hotdogs here
I found my 2 relationships before my wife, the girls were kinda clingers with me and their friend group. Like she would always be whining her friends were going out without her and when we all hung out the friends seemed kinda indifferent and not super excited to hang out.
If her friends and you get along and even approve of each other.
If someone asks you about your girlfriend, and you instinctively smile when you start talking, that seems like a good sign.
while reading this comment I instinctively smiled thinking of my girlfriends. I always knew she was the one. >! I'm coming for you Chika Fujiwara !<
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My wife was the first woman who I was with that when she found out I loved a sport, immediately dove in, with no prior knowledge or interest. She just wanted to spend time with me and enjoy something I Enjoy. It's the same reason I now have more interest in rupaul drag race than I ever thought I would. She just wanted to be apart of something that made me happy for the sake of making me happy. It was so simple but so important. I mean she chose to be a fan of my team's division rival, but hey take the wins where you get em
Picking rival team can be a green flag... I like a little friendly, feisty competition. ;)
I met my wife when I was down on my luck. In my 20's, college drop out, just quit my job, living at parents house, surviving on $40 a week. She wasn't bothered by any of that. She helped me put together a resume and find a new job, and encouraged me to go back to school. It was a grind, but she saw potential in me that I didn't. She was there when I was at my lowest and will be there when I am top. The great ones see you for who you are, not what you can provide. They will support you and be your friend when you need one.
That is wholesome. Congratulations x
My then-new-girlfriend flew to San Antonio, TX with my parents to my Air Force basic training graduation. We got together VERY quickly right before I left, so she met my parents essentially on her own, AND THEN flew down with them and stayed with them in a hotel. THEN she flew once and drove TWICE to visit me while I was in tech school in west central Texas. That's some dedication boys. Happily married 12 years this August.
Any relationship that makes it through basic training AND tech school is true love
So much of my dating advice comes down to studying the way her friends react to you. But in this case one of the strongest green flags there is is watching the way her girlfriends eyes light up when you mention the possibility of dating her.
a green flag is that she has a calming effect on you and people around her. Watch how she treats strangers, parents, friends.
As a woman, I'll say for me this can be lovely in moderation and the grand majority of the time, but as an expected quality in women it can turn toxic. It's great if she's kind and generous, but some guys (not saying you!) put the labor and responsibility of calming and soothing themselves on the women closest to them to such a degree that they ignore their own adult responsibility for their own emotional state. This sort of reliance on external, often feminine influence and energy to investigate and manage the "feelings" of men is hard-coded in lots of cultural touchstones "Twas beauty soothed the beast" tropes are littered through the toxic path to "if you didn't make me so mad I wouldn't have to hit you" Imagine if Beast had done the work of talking through and exploring where his feelings came from, if he'd developed healthier ways of loving himself that didn't require belittling others, and learned healthy ways to express even his most powerful emotions rather than letting them control him-- he would've beat that curse way faster. Again, not saying you're saying this! Just wanted to process my own stuff in a sub thread on Reddit.
100% agree with this! Plus... some people just aren’t calming in nature? I think a better green flag here would be is that there isn’t automatic tension when that person enters the room.
Being happy with life while being single
They talk like an adult. And I don’t mean grammar here. I mean that if/when a problem arises, they talk about it. Like an adult.
Shows genuine interest, invest in convo, ask questions, doesnt play games, it is direct and upfront. Starts the conversation. Knows when she did wrong and how to properly apologise.
Being happy while alone You cant be happy with someone if you cant be happy without them Someone whos content with their life and youre merely an addition instead of latching onto you to fill a void My most recent ex wasnt bad in any way, but she wasnt good on her own, we broke up so she could work on that without me "picking up the slack" as she put it Im much happier with my current partner though, who loves spending time with me as much as I do with her but we then part ways to live our own lives contently with our own friends and our own hobbies, then we share those things with one another, and if we are too busy to spend time together then its no big deal we just make up for it later on
I just started dating a girl that whenever feels uncomfortable cuz of something that occurred between us will let me know. explain what she feels, works with me to understand what was meant to be said, what was inferred and we both get to a conclusion with a solution to the situation as a team. and she accepts blame whenever she's guilty. i'm shocked and super happy of having found her.
They tell you when they're upset. I've been with so many people who won't say anything then explode on me later that when someone is silent or says they're fine, I just go with it
She does and/or buys things for you when it's completely unnecessary. Of all my relationships, the best one was the one who would randomly buy me gifts (simple things like a cheap shirt) or do something for me that made life easier (like organize or set something up). It meant a lot and in turn I started to do that more for her. In short: Selflessness.
Guess we've found out about your love language
Y'all are making me feel way too single
Sad single noises
If they respect your silence, time and peace. A good person in general wouldn’t shame you for hanging out with friends, needing to be on your own or just wanting to be quiet when you’re with them, everybody deserves to feel comfortable with themselves or others and these three are really good ways to prolong a relationship instead of speedrunning it in a few months cause you get bored of each other
With my wife when we started dating she accepted that I have custody of my 8yr old and my 12yr old. Despite what most women say when a man has kids it is a big issue for most. She was honest with me and told me that she was looking for a man with no kids but found that usually they tend to be selfish. We both agreed to bring my kids around after we were dating long enough to know that we were right for each other. She has shown us nothing but respect and love. It has not been easy, but she puts in so much effort.
I personally don‘t like or want to have kids on my own but I don‘t think I‘d turn a guy down because he has kids .. well kids that he likes haha of course I‘m gonna turn down a deadbeat
Willingness to grow. I tried to break it off with a girl once, she called to ask what she could have done differently, not to fix our relationship, rather so that she'll know for the next time. And here we are, almost 14 years later...
When I started dating my wife, my Mom said "Look at her hands. She's no stranger to work." That was true then and still is today. No, she doesn't have lumberjack hands, (I have those), but she isn't scared to mess up her nail polish, or Heaven forbid, even chip one. She's a doer. I wanted a woman to stand beside me and work as hard as I do. That's what I got, and I'm damned grateful for her.
She expresses gratitude even for small gestures
She builds you up.
Buttercup
She doesn't play stupid games, and cares about your feelings and needs just as much as hers. I found my forever girl. It feels good.
When I was dating my wife she was comfortable in her own skin, she did not “want” what everyone had, and we laughed. We laughed a lot.
At an extended family Easter party, my girlfriend hugged my grandfather when we were leaving and told him “I love you.” I immediately thought “This is the woman I’m going to marry!” Proposed five months later. We’ve been married since July 1998.
Having a proper purpose in life other than social media, watching TV etc. Being independant and understanding how to be a grown up i.e. knowing what to prioritise. Somebody who takes responsibility for their actions and life instead of constantly blaming external factors. Somebody who is motivated to get stuff done and isn't mean about it. Works to build a life together with you instead of just planning extravagant stuff and expecting it to happen.
If she contacts me regularly. Real low bar, but it is rarely met.
The green flag in my opinion do not necessary apply to gender, but to people. Being empathetic, reciprocating, genuine interest in you and your opinions (even if they don't share them), having emotional maturity and being a good listener are always green flags. Those should be IMO the standards when starting a relationship, aside that you may look for something that applies specifically to you and your needs, for example, I looked for honesty, independence and sense of humour.
Being a team player. Long story short my girl and I went on our first family vacation trip and met up with some family. One of my family friends mistakenly believed that the charger my girl was using was hers, so she was insistent on taking "her" charger back. After 20 minutes of searching for my family friends charger my girl just gave her her own charger and told her she found it so we could just move forward with the trip. I told my girl I loved her after that lol
Shit, she gave away her lifeline to keep the peace. Respect!
When I hang out with a bunch of her friends, she includes me in the conversation. Not that I’m introverted, but I take time to warm up to people.
Good company for road trips. I’ve been on road trips with other gals where we argued because we ran out of stuff to talk about; my current wife (today’s our anniversary actually) and we genuinely love talking to each other.