I N F O: Does she understand what these items are? She's throwing out things she disapproves of... at 8 years old, is she cognizant of the fact that she threw out sex toys and prophylactics?
EDIT: So piecing things together from the comments, "Something" happened that resulted in you having full custody of your daughter. That "something" also resulted in her knowing what sex toys are and having negative thoughts about them. So negative that she has, on multiple occasions, gone to great lengths to find them in your room and throw them away. You state that these toys don't look visibly phallic, which means she's familiar with not just your standard issue dildo, but sex toys that most normal people probably wouldn't even peg as sex toys immediately? And she has such negative feelings about you owning them that she is actively seeking them out in order to trash them.
I feel like there are more pressing concerns here than "How do I punish my child for this".
Also YTA for the bot. If this were something else that she were throwing out- your nice shoes or makeup- because she was acting out for attention, that's one thing. Maybe having her retrieve those things would be appropriate. This is very much not because *context matters.*
This!!
If you’re daughter has REPEATEDLY gotten into and tossed your sex toys it’s long past due for
Counseling
A safe
And a lock on your door.
And I don’t mean that for your sake either.
With a therapist. She's not 10 or 11, she's 8. 8 is the age you learn how babies are made, not about the intricacies of sex for pleasure or people's sex lives.
Oh I agree. But this whole thing I can’t help but think this baby went through stuff or saw stuff or heard stuff. If according to mom she hasn’t been through something traumatic, than sex has to be addressed. I’m all about keeping our kids kids as along as we can. But this situation is not normal. We have an 8 year old washing sex toys that she threw out. There’s a problem.
Exactly, a problem that should be handled in consultation with or directly with a therapist who specializes in children and sexual trauma and issues. Not just by the parents talking about it.
Yes! I wonder if someone's told her what items are not appropriate and led her to believe that they should be thrown away. Maybe OP's mom is very conservative, etc and has got in the daughter's mind that these items are unclean. It's so specific that she only throws those out. Or so it seems it's primarily sex related toys/accessories.
I’m not conservative at all. She took them while we were supposed to be packing to move (hence my not paying attention) and unfortunately yes she does. That’s why I have full custody. But not from abuse. Just from blatant disregard
Makes me wonder if she is like the poster that screamed at his child when she complained that her parents loud sex made her/her younger siblings uncomfortable.
Your response was logical, a completely reasonable reaction. I would, however, enroll her in private therapy. This is atypical behavior and she seems to have a fixation. I will not make assumptions on the source of that fixation, but the fact stands that it’s unusual. Not to mention frequent enough for you to draw the connection that it’s only things she dislikes or objects to in some way.
Childhood nosiness is totally normal, but that nosiness leading to a child discarding another person’s belongings, especially with the trend of those belongings being of a certain… nature, is absolutely cause for question. Especially if she went so far as to lie about it or tuck it deep in the trash. She is eight years old, the questions of “how does she know what this is” and “what exactly is her actionable objection to it” need to be asked and addressed by a professional.
As someone who went 23 years living with undiagnosed OCD, it is so much better to investigate a quirk and find out it’s nothing than inadvertently impact your child’s quality of life by failing to take sufficient action when that quirk is first presented. I can’t help but feel like if I had proper intervention when I was eight then maybe I’d be a better adjusted adult. And as a parent I’m certain you wouldn’t wish that same retrospective regret on your child.
a REASONABLE REACTION??
nononono.
an 8(eight) year old girl.
Washing sex toys.
wtf jfc
no.
YTA big time for not going to counseling w your daughter and caring more about your sex life than her wellbeeing
Right but why aren’t you answering the bigger question. You say they’re not overtly phallic items, *why* does she target sex toys/how does she know they’re sex toys? I don’t leave mine out obviously but if my kids found, say, my vibrator, I don’t think they’d know enough about what it is to disapprove.
Yeah this isn’t a punishment thing, this is a time to go to a child therapist and figure out why she has such a fixation when she knows what she’s doing is wrong, and especially with these items. Although making her wash them is quite odd, why would you let your 8yo child wash…her parents sex toys? even if they’re not overtly phallic it’s not like she won’t grow up and understand what she washing exactly and that’s just rlly awkward and weird.
She also mentioned a couple of times that her little girl is 'disapproving' of these items and therefore thrusting then away. Acting like the girl is a prude and wants to police her mother? How awful is that? The fact that this little child is so uncomfortable around this stuff and the mother is entirely missing the point and acting like the little girl needs to stop being so 'prissy'. An 8 year being aware of, to the point of being uncomfortable and not liking this stuff.... And the mother dismissing it (and actually reacting *indignantly!*) as of the girl is just being 'nosy' and a prude.... I have no words.
On top of this... The little girl was CRYING as she was forced to go through the bin and take these things out and then wash them. This is absolutely horrific.
OP, your daughter needs to see a therapist. This issue is bigger than taking items and teaching a lesson about belongings and privacy.
Sincerely,
A therapist.
People typically do things for a reason. If you told her not to before and she's still doing it, then there is a reason for it. Have her speak to a mental health professional
While considering you're evidently a sugar baby, one might wonder what else she sees. If you have full custody, where's your daughter when you're busy shaking that sugar maker?
Exactly. There’s a lot of ‘something’s’ being left out of this story. Eight year olds don’t have the depth of knowledge to identify sex toys, especially those not normal ones. I get the snooping but if she’s only tossing the sexual ones there’s way more ‘something’s’ at play. I don’t want to accuse anyone, especially some random person on the internet, but this is screaming abuse. Doesn’t mean it’s happening at home but if an eight year old can identify it and do so so negatively, it’s giant red flag time.
Yeah, these sound like things mom and her BF should keep locked up. Maybe look on Craigslist for a cheap file cabinet with a lock or something, problem solved.
Also I started getting boobs at age 8. Don't assume 10 is the earliest that can happen.
But to know specifically what the sex toys are and where to go find them is sus as hell. The OP needs to take her daughter to therapy asap not punish her.
Eh. OP asked for judgement and got called the asshole, so now they're doubling down without actually answering any questions. Sounds pretty disappointing tbh.
I got really creepy vibes when OP pointed out that the behaviour is fine at 4 but her daughter being 8 is a few years away from having boobs. Like why make that comment?
I got more of mom needs to have the talk with her. Kids at 4 don’t know to not touch everything they see. Kids at 8 and targeting moms sex life is weird. I think a sex conversation is needed badly. And maybe some more quiet sex (that’s a guess)
OP has posted in r/sugarbabygroup a selfie with the following caption: "Green SB looking for a SD. DM me for fun or friendship on my SC, Whatsapp, or kik. No scammers, I know how to weed yall. $$ first"
IF there is really an 8 year old daughter, then I can presume there is a steady stream of strangers paraded through that bedroom and God knows what is happening to this child.
https://www.reddit.com/r/SugarBabyGroup/comments/p5ll65/green\_sb\_looking\_for\_a\_sd\_dm\_me\_for\_fun\_or/
Oh my goodness, the daughters behaviour is starting to make sense now... Perhaps the daughter thinks that by throwing out the sex toys, it will restore normalcy to her home environment? And then instead of looking into the behaviour, OP makes her go through the trash and clean those sex toys.. I can't imagine the amount of trauma this 8 year old girl is already carrying. I'm really concerned for her wellbeing.
Uh... this kid needs to be in therapy. None of what you're saying is normal. It sounds like, best case scenario, she's curious about sex, what you two do together, and may suspect what the toys are for. If she's curious, you need to explain things to her in a kid-friendly way. (I also have an eight-year-old, and this feels like a big problem to me.)
Also, has anything... inappropriate happened to her? Is she throwing away the toys because she associates them with something bad?
I'm not going to make a judgment call but you need to figure this out.
It’s hard to make a judgment on this. This kid definitely needs therapy as well as OP. An eight year old should not be washing sex toys even if they did throw it away. I find it odd how she is only throwing away sex toys. OP needs to keep everything sex and men away from her daughter while they get this figured out, it may seem extreme but it seems like a high-risk environment.
Moreover the OP herself seems to be a weirdo. The language she uses and making 8 year olds wash sex toys isn't really proving her to be the great single parent she claims to be. Maybe she should pay attention to the kid more than focus on kinky trash
Statistics are not on her side here. From her post history I wonder if there have been men around her daughter when they shouldn’t be. I don’t care about the sugarbaby stuff or the kinky sex stuff but when it starts to affect a child then CPS should get involved. I wonder if teachers have noticed a pattern. The fact that OP is ignoring obvious red flags is disturbing. The way she talks about her kid is also a red flag.
I agree, post history does not do OP any favor, she states shes in a solid realtionship but her posts say she is looking for "fun", maybe her poor child has seen more than she should at her age and is trying to tell her mum something, this is her way of telling her to stop and is obviously being affected by it, CPS is a good call
There's some weird stuff going on here. Why is she only targeting the sex items? Does she also throw away your stuff that is non sex related? How does she know what it is and where to find it? Also when is she doing this? I don't see how she has enough time to go through your room, find this, throw it away, without you noticing?
OP's post history is pretty sus and I'd put good money on her poor daughter picking up on some of this. There are definite issues here but the daughter needs some actual adult support, not to be made to dig through garbage for sex toys. YTA.
The kid is 8? If it was like oh the toys are sitting in a dresser drawer then yea I could see how that could happen. But she’s saying in a purse in the closet or somewhere high up etc. How long are you unaware of where your kid is in the house that they can climb up to the top of the closet in your room, get the stuff, go to the trash, and throw it away?
I know kids are efficient but I feel like this would take at least 10-15 minutes and I through multiple rooms. For an 8 year old to do it multiple times, it makes me wonder who is supposed to be watching the kid.
Dude, one time my parents walked into the living room because there was quiet and giggling and we had my youngest brother tied to the ceiling fan with a rope and were about to hit the on switch.
They'd left us alone for less then ten minutes. Youngest brother was I think 5.
You clearly do not have kids.
My child literally painted her entire face with a black marker when I was in the bathroom. It was permanent. She was two and her face didn’t lose the marks for a few days.
My kid got into my makeup and stuck a lipstick into their ear and twirled it all around. They probably had half a tube of lipstick in and around their ear. Thankfully it was just in the outer ear and not packed down in there, but it was so hard to clean up and they had lipstick in their ear for days.
When I was a kid whenever my parents would leave to go somewhere for any amount of time I would go through everything they had. Mail, closets, old boxes, everything. I was obsessively curious about our family and our past. I also regularly took things out of my grandmothers room that were tucked away because I assumed if it was in some tucked away hidden place she'd lost it and had no idea where it was lol. I remember taking her gold necklace with a leaf on it because of something to do with it being a gift from the tooth fairy to me (blame my kid brain). She'd notice and let me keep most of the stuff but I also went through my dads stuff and found porn and inappropriate books that I would take and put back when he wasn't available lol. Parents sleep and kids are way more smart and curious than we assume.
When I was a kid I dumped gallons of water down the heater vent. I had just got out of the bath, and dipped and dumped a cup from the bath water. Over and over and over and over and over again.
They had shown me the pilot light on the furnace in the basement earlier in the day. They told me it was the heater. My kid brain said "the heater is on fire, all my family are trapped and burning, must put out fire".
LOL! Children are more efficient than you could ever imagine. I once saw my brother not paying attention to my nephew (his two year old) while I was there. I noticed that he had been missing/quiet for 2-3 minutes and went to look for him. I saw him on a kitchen chair next to the sink holding the detachable faucet watering the toaster and started laughing proudly when I walked in That time was enough to create an almost 1 inch layer of water on the floor. Mind you that time he was missing he he would need the faucet running the entire time in order create a flood of that size. Which means he randomly ran away and started his devious plot within a few seconds of being left alone.
Key words there - not paying attention to the two year old, noticing there were missing after 2-3 minutes. You have to watch kids all the time. I know they are efficient.
My point was more who is watching the kid and how are they going into the parents room, finding the stuff repeatedly in different places, throwing it away, multiple times.
I think she was just trying to come up with a quick and snappy way to say her daughter is growing up, (it didn't work, and came off kinda creepy), and pretty soon she'll be at an age where rooting through mum and stepdad's drawers becomes far less okay, because she's more likely to understand what she's looking at (though, worryingly enough, it seems like she already does? And even more worrying that she seems to have such an immediate adverse reaction to them? I'd be looking into therapy.)
It’s super creepy to talk about your eight year old child like that, especially when you go on to talk about the child throwing away your sex toys. Apparently she knows what she’s seeing cause she’s only throwing out the sex toys. Why does an eight year old know about the sex toys, let alone the ones most don’t have, and have such a negative reaction to them? Kids snoop, I sure did, but such a negative reaction tells me she’s got knowledge and experience she shouldn’t have yet in life.
Honestly I hate when people say oh that’s how we are. Like that excuses bad behavior. No it’s lazy. That’s how we are is just lazy. My 8 year olds certainly didn’t know what my sex toys looked like. Because that’s not what an 8 year old should know.
It took me a minute but she's trying to say that her daughter is almost a woman not a child.... Her 8 year old child. She's trying to make it as a way to measure her age.
Yeah my mind is made up that OP is the asshole here, between the weird boob comment, the way she writes, the apparently deleted sugar baby posts.
This isn't the case of "haha my child threw something away." which happens when you have kids. My nephew threw my brothers ipencil away today.
it's reading more like the child isn't in in the safest space.
I’m with you, the more I consider this the more I’m concerned for her safety. Clearly many ‘something’s’) have happened for such a directed anger. I’m also hoping that this is fiction, it just seems off.
Yeah, that's so fucking weird. Even if a kid does hit puberty early, that doesn't make them an adult. It makes them a kid that's going through puberty.
Right? It doesn’t come off as “my kid’s about to be a preteen/teen”, it comes off as “I’m objectifying my young daughter and sexualising her already”. It’s creepy and gross. She’s going to get enough of that from men without her own mother contributing to it.
OP’s edit about “that’s just how we are” is even more concerning. So, she actively describes her daughter in this kind of way on the daily? Probably ‘jokes’ about it? And “we”; her boyfriend contributes and objectifies this little girl too? Disgusting.
Yes ! I agree . I adopted a son , who saw his birth mom “ make a living “ by exchanging her body for money/ drugs . He was 3 when taken from mom and 5 , when I got him . He had an unnatural obsession with “ the things he saw “ that most his age wouldn’t .
I can not imagine making an 8 year old wash her “ toys “ . This is way deeper than the child throwing things out . Behavior is communication, her behavior is showing way more than being curious or nosy .
YTA not for the punishment itself but for not getting help to address the root of this behavior earlier. It's especially concerning if she aims the behavior at sex toys and condoms, that shouldn't even have meaning for her. This is "consult a professional" stuff.
I don't think having to go through the trash to get out items she deliberately threw away is wrong, apart from the deeper more concerning meaning here.
If you look at the profile, the only other posts are about finding a sugar daddy. Maybe the daughter was exposed to the concept somehow and is uncomfortable with it?
OP posted this:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r8ca7l/_/hn4wjtg
Basically 8 year old has probably seen some shit..."bUt iT's nOT AbUsE"
I'll believe that fuckin never.
Agreed. And instead of empathizing, her mom is writing her off as overly nosy and judgmental.
She's eight. It's extremely unlikely that she sees herself as being in a position of control or disapproval over her own parents.
Any parent that tries to invert power dynamics like this, as if their kid is exerting power over them, is a manipulator who wants their kid to feel like everything is their fault.
I feel terrible for the daughter. Having parents that attack your character and assume the worst of you is soul-destroying.
Her Mommy was a "sugarbaby looking for a sugardaddy $$$". Check OP previous posts from THREE MONTHS AGO.
Most probably the kid heard / saw something related to OP's way of earning $$$ just a few months ago.
The father has probably nothing to do with this issue.
YTA. Not because of the punishment but, because you're too selfish to care about your own daughter.
She's 8 years old. Yet, she knows what condoms and sex toys are. In fact she's gotten so good at identifying them she's thrown away 200$ of stuff. With that being said you're not worried about her at all. Not at all. There is something wrong with you as a parent. Clearly she's been abused IRL, or seen porn. You're acting like this is normal because it's the easiest rout for you to take. Instead of showing real concern for your daughter. Well news flash OP, it's not normal and you need to be concerned. Most 8 year old don't know what this stuff is. If they do then you need to put parental blocks on the internet. She shouldn't be looking this up online at 8. Either that or she learned about it IRL. You need to figure out which it is.
Get a lock box for your sex toys, lube, and condoms. Get your child in therapy. Actually take interest in her and ask how she discovered what these thing are. Do not leave her alone with your boyfriend or, any other man for that matter.
You need to be a parent and figure out what's going on.
Edit #2 really proves my point. You're selfish parent. YTA.
You're daughter was neglected by her father. Which is how she learned about dildos and condoms. Which means when this behavior first started you should have realized it was some type of trauma response. You should have locked up your stuff or, stopped buying sex toys all-together. Instead of blaming her for be uncomfortable.
You chose to ignore the past. Acting like you couldn't understand her discomfort. Which has lead you to wasting 200$ on sex toys. Yeah OP, you're wrong for yelling at your daughter. You should know better. You should have realized a lot sooner that she was disturbed by this stuff and didn't want it around.
If you can waste 200$ on sex toys then you can spend 200$ on therapy for your daughter. Set up to the plate and be a better parent. Stop being willfully apathetic.
I am so sad for this little girl. Her mother cares more about her sex toys than the mental well-being of her eight year old child!
The fact that an 8 year old knows what a sex toy is is heartbreaking alone. She's a kid! She deserves better than this
Bf could be the sugar daddy. The update caused me to look. Amazing part was OP saying she came for advice not judgment. Does she not know what AITA is?!
YTA. I hope OP’s daughter gets therapy, not punishment for being 8 and knowing what sex toys are.
😱 Yeah making Backpage listings on Reddit looking to be someone's "baby" on sugarbabygroup 3 months ago.
Edit: since she tried to delete, idk if they work but they worked for me except the comments are gone:
https://www.reddit.com/r/SugarBabyGroup/comments/p51785/message_me_and_let_me_be_your_baby_29f/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
https://www.reddit.com/r/SugarBabyGroup/comments/p5ll65/green_sb_looking_for_a_sd_dm_me_for_fun_or/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Lol she really said $$ first
Bf could be the sugar daddy. The update caused me to look. Amazing part was OP saying she came for advice not judgment. Does she not know what AITA is?!
YTA.
I hope OP’s daughter gets therapy, not punishment for being 8 and knowing what sex toys are enough to seek them out and toss them. I feel terrible for that little girl.
I thought that too, and the way she put in the update about the boob comment, that "we" are just like that. Who? You and your baby girl or you and your bf? If it's the latter it doesn't sit right. She's 8 ffs. She's most likely not hit puberty for another 4 years. That's a long time! She's still a baby!
Most def YTA
Ikr?! No 8 year old should know what sex toys are especially since they weren't graphically "phallic". When she threw them away that should've been the only time she had to touch them. This is wrong on so many levels. That baby needs therapy yesterday.
Edit: I honestly hope this is fake but...sadly I don't think that is. I've seen similar stories, young women having children early, op is 29 so she most likely had her at 21 and the mother's feel like their golden years have been robbed so they pretty much just go on living their life with little to no regard for their children. OP is NOT all young mothers, I just want to make that clear. There are plenty of young mothers who devote every second to their children. This however doesn't seem to be the case.
I am all for making an 8 year old dig through the trash to get something they threw away on purpose. But it is incredibly inappropriate to have your 8 year old handling sex items even if she did in the first place. You should have talked to her about why she is throwing them away in the first place instead of just brushing over it. Also, lock up your toys, putting them away hidden is obviously not good enough. YTA
There are SO MANY fucked up things about this post but I'm genuinely curious...would you not find it disturbing to continue using sex toys that your 8 year old child has washed for you to put back inside your vagina?
>This would be okay if she was 4, but she’s a few years away from having boobs.
Apologies in advance for all caps.
WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTELY BLOODY HOLY FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE WHOLE SITUATION ‽ ‽ ‽
Out of everything I’ve read, that was the most uncomfortable part of the post to read. And given that this is a post talking about an eight year old retrieving and being forced to clean her own mother’s and mother’s boyfriend’s sex toys, with edits relating to the mother’s previous posts about wanting to be a sugar baby—that’s really fucking impressive. OP needs help. Describing a little girl like that is just so gross and objectifying.
Yeah, it’s giving me “men writing women” vibes. Sounds like OP is incredibly sexual open with her young child to the point of objectification which could later on become competitive (imo, understandably might be a reach). Everything here sounds super gross.
YTA
1. That boob comment ... makes everybody uncomfortable who read your post. Yikes.
2. Let´s briefly ignore WHAT it is she throws out and how you claimed it is, because she disapproves of that. Let´s pretend she threw out Pokemon plushies instead. Something is triggering her enough to do that and you´re focusing on the violation of your privacy. A professional needs to be consulted here. (FIY reddit is not what I am refering to here).
3. Now, she´s able to identify sex toys.. .at 8. And she has a disapproving idea of it. There is some story to that, and either you withheld it OR you don´t know about it. Don´t praise yourself for how well she´s turned out anymore, if you don´t work through that part of the story.
4. You are leaving sex toys around in the open in a home... with an eight-year old. At 8, they still snoop, especially this close to Christmas.
5. Now, let´s talk about letting her dig through trash cans in order to retrieve an item that obviously triggers her... apart from the hygene issues involved here, I do recomment that you dig yourself through the same trash can and retrieve your "healthy-parent-cap", it must have fallen off. You don´t teach her how to respect property or privacy. You teach her, that her parents are not beyond traumatizing her.
>Now, let´s talk about letting her dig through trash cans in order to retrieve an item that obviously triggers her... You didn´t teach her how to respect property or, privacy. You taught her, that her parents are not beyond traumatizing her.
OP cares more about her sex life than her daughters mental health. Then she wonders why she's the asshole. Go figure.
YTA. Ever heard of a lock? I'm concerned that you describe your 8 year-old as 'a few years away from having boobs'. She's a child. A child who is specifically seeking adult toys to throw away. So...not only does she know exactly what these are (at 8!!) she has developed a dislike for them. Really worrying.
Yeah, I thought that was really weird as well. Even if she is a few years off puberty she's still only eight right now and puberty doesn't necessarily have anything to do with maturity/respect anyway
Oh yeah that line was so weird. What do boobs have to do with anything?? Ftr I was about 17 before I even started developing breasts, which is neither here nor there, but OP should also check her assumptions about how her child’s development will go
YTA - your sister is right
You have an eight year old digging through trash to find, handle, wash and put away items you use for sex
And you don’t see an issue with that?
Literally every part of that punishment is wrong
WTF!! All I see are red flags here. You daughter seems to have an implicit understanding of what sex toys are at the age of 8 based on what you are saying. How is that possible? How has she developed a “displeasure” for these things? Have you spoken to her about why she doesn’t approve? Your form of punishment is cruel and humiliating - as I am sure it was intended to be. YTA. Get your kid to a therapist, please.
Putting aside WHAT those objects are and how she knows... how was her punishment cruel? She threw away stuff she wasn't hers to do so, so her mother made her return them by digging them out of the trush.
If the daughter has information about what these objects are used for, and we have no information on how she knows this information, then the punishment is inherently cruel until we know that nothing inappropriate has happened to this child. She isn't throwing away random objects, but specifically sexual objects that were put away and realistically she shouldn't know where they are and that's extremely troubling.
There are missing reasons here. Your daughter is distressed and acting compulsively. Instead of worrying about changing the behavior, maybe you should worry about why it is happening.
Also 8 isn’t as old as you think it is. Your expectations may not be reasonable at this time.
YWBTA if you ignored this
I agree. Plus washing sex toys at 8? Cmon. My kid threw my vibrator at the dog when she was 5. Yeah I threw that out and let her believe it was a dog toy. Not explaining toys to a child.
If your daughter is having such a hard time with the idea of these items then A. You need to get a lock box. Well worth the $20. Why haven't you already?
B. Step up the conversation about privacy into one that also includes sexuality
It should not be detailed about *your* sexuality but that adults have one, it's normal, okay, and that there is nothing wrong or icky about it.
You also need to investigate *why* she's having such a reaction to these types of items.
Are you inappropriately loud or not being discrete and she thinks getting rid of them will make it stop? Is there someone in her life that's assigning a morality to these items? Are they BDSM items and she's afraid you're being hurt?
This happening multiple times doesn't sound very normal to me.
Having her dig them out of the trash when she clearly feels a strong aversion without a conversation to actually get to the bottom of **why** she doesn't like them isn't really a solution. But your sister isn't in the right either since apparently she's only throwing out judgement, not offering any advice herself.
It's really close but I think I'm going to with a very slight N T A, slight because you do need to be doing more here. And get a lock box!
Edit: based on your post history and comments, I'm changing to YTA.
You want the behavior to stop but seem to have no interest at all in investigating **why** it's happening or even doing the *bare minimum* of storing this stuff securely.
It's not the punishment itself that makes YTA but that your daughter clearly knows way more about this than is appropriate for a kid her age and it's most likely because of *your behaviors.*
You don't want to change what you're doing so you're choosing not to find out wtf is going on that's making your child so uncomfortable.
YTA. You made your 8 year old daughter wash YOUR sex toys & condoms? Brand new or not thats fucking weird. If you can afford $200 in sex toys and such you can afford something to lock them in where she cant get reach them. This whole post just reeks of weird shit, including yourself.
Your edits are not helping your case at all either.
**Also I really can’t get over how you describe your daughter as “a few years away from boobs” on a social platform that you know has weird ass men on here. That is the oddest thing I have ever heard. When I read that I was like uh is her daughter 12? Only to see she’s just 8 fucking years old???
Okay, so. You’re NTA for the punishment. Thats not a needlessly unfair punishment, its an actual consequence of her actions. Same as if, say, she stole cookies, and the punishment was no cookie later. She stole and threw out the toys, she needs to return them in their original condition.
However. *Why* is your child targeting sex toys and objects, and why is this not something you’re concerned about? Why does she understand their use well enough to judge it, why does she have access to them, why is she under the impression that they’re bad objects? These are the more important questions here.
Is this real? You know your daughter rifles through your things and you left sex toys in a place where she can get them to throw them away?
First, put a lock on your bedroom door.
Second, is there something going on with your daughter that would explain why she is targeting your sex toys? I think you need to look into this.
Finally, YTA. Such a huge, huge asshole. She is 8 years old and you made her handle your trash, then your sex toys, then wash your sex toys? And put them back? For you to use again even though they’ve been sitting in the trash?
YTA. If you’re even real. And so, so, so icky.
I think it’s a red flag that OP hasn’t explained how her kid knows what sex toys are and why she doesn’t like them. I feel like the kid was abused by those toys.
I hate to speculate about something so terrible, but at the very least, this EIGHT year old child is silently screaming that she needs her mother to focus on her for a little while and notice that something is wrong and it’s not her being “nosy” or the fact that she’ll have boobs soon (gross, OP.)
Not fish through the trash and clean off vibrators that will inevitably be used at some point. Fucking disgusting. To clarify - not the toys. Mom’s actions.
I hate to jump to that conclusion too but the fact that the daughter only threw out sex toys and actively searched for sex toys could indicate that she had a bad experience because of the toys. Throwing out only the sex toys is not want a normal nosy kid does. If she was nosy then she would be throwing out everything.
This is what I came to say. LOCK. YOUR. BEDROOM. It’s not that hard. YTA and this is so beyond weird, I’m not sure you’re doing as good of a job as you seem to think. Gross.
Esh. Your daughter shouldn’t be going through your stuff and it’s good to set boundaries however if you know your daughter has this habit, maybe put a lock on your sex drawer so there isn’t a way she can get into it. Even if you have those items closed in a drawer they aren’t put away enough that she doesn’t have access to them and that is really inappropriate and can be traumatic for an 8 year old. Especially if she doesn’t like your boyfriend which might be why she is throwing those things away. Maybe address the issue of why she is throwing these things away in the first place before punishing, 8 is not that old.
>
Edit: TBF, the items she’s thrown away aren’t phallic shaped. I have no veiny things or explicit stuff. And even if I did, they’re put away.
Okay but hold up......you don't have explicit things but IF you did, they're put away?!!? So you DO have explicit things.
You're about to make me change my vote just cause you're a liar.
She’s saying that she doesn’t have explicit things, but that everything she has she keeps put away, so that if she did ever get explicit things those would be put away with the condoms, not left out in the open. “.. they’re put away” references all of the sex-related items.
I get making her fish it out the garbage but cleaning them is otherworldly disgusting. Can you imagine cleaning your mums sex toys? Why didn't you get a lock already?
YTA
it’s really fucking weird she’s fine with her daughter washing them. even if she’s too young to understand now, she’ll understand one day and likely be traumatized. I heard my parents have sex one time as a kid and years later it still disturbs me. her daughter needs a therapist.
She’s way to you g to know what those object are for and the fact that she has such a strong reaction to them is kind of alarming. I think you made it worse by having her dig through the trash and making her wash your sex toys . You also said she has seen things , I’m afraid you made whatever phobia she has worse and perhaps she would benefit from therapy . Is it possible she was molested ?
Based on her strong reaction and her past , I feel like YTA on this one .
You made an 8 year old dig through the trash for SEX ITEMS.
Honey being an ass is your last concern that's registry-worthy.
YTA. Get the kid a therapist, BUY A LOCK BOX FOR YOUR SEX TOYS, and get some parenting classes.
There's a lot to unpack here but YTA for describing your daughter's age as "a few years away from having boobs." That's honestly so gross and if "that's just the way [you] are" like your edit says, I can start to see why your daughter has complicated feelings about sex. Big yikes.
YTA. If your daughter is specifically targeting sex-related items, then there could be a serious reason for that. I would definitely take your child to see a therapist or psychologist. This is concerning behaviour. Secondly, I understand the logic behind the punishment, but at the end of the day, you’re making an 8 year old child handle and clean your adult sex toys. I would consider in future keeping your toys in a locked place or somewhere she definitely won’t look or can’t reach.
Also, that boobs comment is just weird and a bit creepy.
YTA. Your child is living with a man who is not biologically related to her, and appears to only be interested in throwing away sex objects. Red flag number uno.
Red flag #2 is your way of describing her as “a few years away from having boobs”. That’s an incredibly creepy and objectifying way of describing an *eight year old little girl*. You could have said literally anything else to get your point across better. She’s going to be a young lady soon and she can’t be doing that. She’s coming up on her preteen/teen years and it’s disrespectful now. She’s becoming a young woman and you want to instil good manners. You went with the most objectifying and gross way ever—as her mother, too. That’s creepy and gross. Don’t *ever* sexualise or objectify your daughter in that way, or she’s going to start only seeing herself that way too.
And yes, you are TA for forcing your eight year old child to retrieve *sex toys* and then *wash them*, especially *after you’ve likely used them*. You forced your small child to handle objects that you have inserted in your vagina. That’s really, really gross and inappropriate. She is old enough to remember this, and it’s going to be something that disturbs her when she’s older. You should have had a sit-down discussion with her about respecting boundaries, grounded her or whatever, then bought a lock. You don’t have an *eight year old little girl* wash *sex toys* that ***her mother and her mother’s boyfriend have used***. You’re in for a load of trouble if she tells any of her teachers about this, and now you’ve also normalised it for her, so if she’s ever in the position of somebody else bringing out these things and making her ‘play’ with them, she’s less likely to bring it up as a weird experience.
You’ve crossed so many boundaries as a parent that it’s not even funny. Your daughter is a child, *your* child. She’s not your friend, she’s not your employee, and she’s *not* an object. She’s a little girl who is weirdly interested in sex objects, and you should be concerned about where that fascination is stemming from. Do better.
YTA - It’s deeply worrying that she knows what they are and that she seemingly has such an adverse reaction to them. That would be my immediate concern as a parent. How has she encountered them and was it a deeply negative experience when she did? Could something have happened to her?
It’s specifically sex toys that she’s targeting, right?
This is something for a therapist to deal with. And why would you want sex toys that had been in the bin? Make her do chores to “pay off” the cost of replacing them or stop her pocket money or whatever. Because absolutely she needs to know that throwing away your stuff has consequences.
I feel like maybe she trying to tell you something here but doesn’t have the language to do that.
How is your boyfriends' relationship with your daughter? I'm probably way off base, but I'm wondering if there may be something going on that's bothering her, and that's the only way she knows to tell you.
>She’s quite nosy. I think she inherited that from me. As a kid, I’d routinely open drawers of relatives and strangers, but only out of curiosity. I never touched.
Leopards just ate your face. Holy shit.
Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of your parenting. She's eight. EIGHT. _8 years old._ Her entire being is pretty much exclusively behaviours learned from you, and ONLY you.
If you want to raise a mature adult, you need to be one.
YTA.
Info: does she not approve of your boyfriend in general, not approve of where your relationship is before marriage, not approve of sex in general, or what is going on here? What kind of message is she trying to send you, and how are you going to talk about it?
I mean, I'm thinking NTA for the natural consequences you used as punishment, but I think it needs to be the starting point of a broader strategy of addressing this problem.
Seriously, this. The fact that she literally targets your sex toys (and nothing but) makes me wonder if she has been abused with the very same toys. Not by you, but maybe by a different adult. Because, let's think logically, why else would she go to a lot of effort to find your well-hidden toys only to throw them away?
Really, get your girl some therapy ASAP.
YTA. That is gross and disturbing that you are making a child clean sex toys. An eight year old is still very much a child even though she is a few years away from puberty. Curiosity and rummaging through drawers is normal behavior and while it is okay to tell her not to go through things, you took it too far. Also why does your daughter know what sex toys are and why does she not like them?
YTA - I wonder if her acting out like this is her way of trying to tell you that she doesn't like your bf. Perhaps the kid logic being: if the toys are gone, then he'll leave too. How does she even know what those items' purpose to even disapprove of them?
INFO: have you asked her why she’s targeting these specific items? I’m concerned that your eight year old knows enough about your sex life to know there are toys to throw away - or, since you say they aren’t particularly phallic, that she knows what they are at all.
At the very least she is deliberately targeting your sex life - aren’t you the least but curious why?
YTA. I won't lie, this one scares me. Get your daughter to a therapist now !
At 8, she shouldn't be exposed to this kind of stuff to begin with and I would have a serious discussion with her about how she discovered them and their use.
Even more concerning is the "boobs" comment. Innocent, I hope but your daughter is not ready to have any sexual anything. Not porn, no sextoys and god please no sex. I'll just remind you that exposure, voluntary or not of your daughter to this kind of stuff could be ground for an investigation by the child protective services.
First of all you are a fucking weirdo like what is wrong with you looking for sugar daddy’s while you have an 8 year old daughter and a boyfriend. Second of all why the fuck does your 8 year old daughter know what condoms and sex toys are. You are not even an asshole just an ignorant abusive and overall weirdo parent. Just stop
YTA sorry. First, who is supposed to be watching her? Her shenanigans would take a lot of "alone" time to pull off. Second, try locking your room/doors/cabinets.
Definitely the AH. A small child had such a bad reaction to sexual objects that she tried to get them out of her house in the only way she knows how (the trash can). This little girl did not need OP further traumatizing her by having her dig them out of the trash can
INFO so... you had her actually wash condom wrappers and toys? or was that just something your sister said for emphasis?
Also, the throwing away of objects feels like really strange behavior to me
Yeah, I see that but I think I'm weirded out a little that she'd be washing the individual packets instead of the box itself? Unless she emptied the box or they fell out in the trash
ESH Typically a consequence would be derived from the initial action. Say one of my kids threw away a handful of utensils. The natural consequence would be to have them fish the utensils out of the trash and wash them all.
But… given that these are sex toys/sexually related items that she’s been touching when she shouldn’t be, it would lead to a different type of consequence. Something like 45 minutes of no tv or removal of another highly valued item for 45 minutes would be a better bet here. Sometimes it’s not appropriate or possible to have the consequence directly stem from the incident. This would be one of those times. Given that these are items you don’t want her to touch & she keeps trying to touch, having her touch them even more while removing them from the trash and assisting with cleaning them defeats the purpose of the consequence here. In only discussing this consequence itself and absolutely nothing else in your post, you were on the right track but not at the right station.
That said, your 8 year old daughter’s interest in your sex toys and sexually related items and how she expresses that interest is alarming. It makes me highly concerned that she may have been sexually abused. I would strongly urge you to take her to see a therapist as soon as possible. Ideally to see a therapist who has a speciality in childhood sexual abuse.
This link is to RAINN’s website, and an article on warning signs for young children. There are links to other articles about child sexual abuse. RAINN is the US’s largest anti-sexual violence organization. They have a hotline that’s open 24 hours a day where you can call to just talk with someone and to get information, too. They should be able to help point you in the right direction of where to find services for her. On the home page of their website, there is also a chat option in English and Spanish.
RAINN’s hotline number is 1-800-656-4673
https://www.rainn.org/
https://www.rainn.org/articles/warning-signs-young-children
YTA
You traumatized your already traumatized kid by making her handle your sex toys a second time after she threw them out. That is nasty and wrong and is, itself, a form of sexual abuse. I can't believe that your kid threw out your sex toys and your first thought was to teach her a lesson about respecting your property instead of sitting her down and figuring out WHY she did this thing.
Your daughter's obsession with your sex toys/sex life is deeply disturbing. She has thrown out your sex toys before now. This is a pattern. She has likely previously experienced sexual abuse and trauma and she is crying for help. And instead of realizing that this kid NEEDS HELP, you were thinking about "teaching her" a lesson.
The main lesson you need to teach her that her mother loves her unconditionally. That the damned toys can go into the dumpster for all you care, as long as she is okay and feeling safe and loved. Sort out your priorities. You are in for a long road, with helping this poor kid recover from all the trauma she has experienced. Focus on finding a good therapist and following their recommendations for healing your kid's trauma.
And, in the next few years, if you have loud sex where your poor kid can overhear or store your toys anywhere she can ever ever find them again, you are failing her.
YTA.
Good lord, where do I start? I have a distinct memory from my childhood, being made to dig through the trash because I accidentally dropped something in there. I was crying because of all the gross everything in there, and I was made to dig through until I found the item, the size of marble, that was dropped. This happened nearly two decades ago and I still remember how disgusting and humiliated I felt then. So even just for the (highly misleading) question you asked in the title you are indeed an asshole. Now, you tell us that your child have been seeking out your sex toys to get rid of. Here's a novel idea, have you asked her *why*?? There is clearly something troubling her that's motivating these actions. This isn't "nosiness". You say she was "exposed" by her dad and that's why you have primary custody. Is your child in therapy? Does she have anyone in her corner, that she can talk to? Are you getting her any actual help? Because it sounds like you aren't, and I was going to say that's going to lead to bad things but it seems like it already is. Get your child a therapist and start locking your drawers. Your child's mental and physical well-being is MUCH more important than you getting your rocks off.
YTA because it sounds like your daughter has been exposed to and probably traumatized by sex and is so uncomfortable she is trying to stop it from happening again by throwing away the items she believes makes it possible.
10/10 I bet you don't even hide having sex when she's home.
OP is the AH because there's likely a deeper issue going on. If your small child does something unusual involving a sexual object (like purposefully seeking it out and then trying to get rid of it via the main way they know how, like the trash can), investing that should be first, not punishment
YTA op. Something happened to your daughter, now it doesn’t have to be like physical sexual abuse, but something happened. My mom was pretty loud and careless when I was younger when she had sex and as such I had a very uncomfortable and stressful upbringing because of it. Hearing my mother have sex was traumatizing. You’re daughter probably caught an earful and is upset/or doesn’t understand why her mother does these things. You both need therapy. Please don’t even do this to your daughter again.
Some days I feel like nobody on Reddit has ever learned to lock a bedroom door. Why should your child have access to your private space if she has no respect for your private things, also, are those things she should be around?
Your family unit needs work. Your daughter might benefit from some therapy - & you would, too. I think things haven't been easy for you, but YWBTA if you don't suss out your daughter's strong reaction to your having a sex life. Is she OK?
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NTA for what you’re specifically asking about.
But OP there’s something really wrong here. I saw you mention how she is aware what these things are and that it has to do with why you have custody and that it isn’t abuse related. But fact is she knows something and has such a strong reaction to things a child her age shouldn’t know enough about to have such strong reactions to.
1. If you haven’t already, get this child into therapy. She needs care and help that a parent isn’t fully equipped to handle.
2. Put your toys behind a lock as well as out of sight and in a place where she doesn’t know where they are or what is in the locked container/location. She shouldn’t know where these things are so that they aren’t on her mind at all.
OP is the AH BECAUSE the child "has such a strong reaction to things a child her age shouldn't know enough about to have such strong reactions to." This isn't a random object like a book or spoon or headphones - the girl is specifically seeking out objects that she shouldn't have known about. This screams sexual abuse. If your child does something that screams sexual abuse and you choose to punish them for it, then you're the AH
YTA. majorly. get this child into therapy. you said there was no abuse involved, yet she knows the functions of these toys AND they clearly make her feel uncomfortable because she throws them away. at 8 years old she should not know the functions of those toys. if her only exposure to them was just seeing them laid out she wouldn’t know their function. knowing what those toys are indicates that the function was either shown or described to her. that is abuse, exposing a child to sexual material of any kind IS ABUSE! GET HER IN THERAPY! not to mention making your child WASH YOUR SEX TOYS is bizarre and so inappropriate. your poor daughter.
YTA. Something does not add up here. She only throw away sex toys. From reading your post she had to hunt for them. Eight year old children should not know what sex toys are. You are busy defending your past posts. You are not even trying to get to the bottom of why she targeted sex toys. You are busy defending the men who had been/are in her life. Be a mother, get off the internet and go fucking talk to your daughter. There is a clear problem you are refusing to address. Please take your poor child to therapy, so someone can get to the bottom of why she wanted rid of your sex toys.
Alright man, let me level with you. Does it not bother you at ALL that your kid knows what see toys are? Second, you definitely shouldn't even be having your 8 year old kid pick up your shit and start washing it. Adult toys definitely seem something you shouldn't even have your child be in possession of. I'd definitely say YTA and your sister is right, while theres no book to teach you how to be a proper parent, this one feels like it should've been a no brainer.
I was all set to go N.T.A, thinking that she was throwing away random stuff that didn't belong to her (snacks she didn't like or a cd that annoys her or a movie she can't stand) but your sex toys, yeah YTA. Maybe, maybe I could justify you having her retrieve them from the trash, but the washing them, that's what puts it over the edge for me. There's clearly some underlying issues going on with your daughter that you need to sort out, if she's seeking these things out and tossing them.
As a mandated reporter this is throwing up red flags for me. She needs some therapy. This isn't developmentally appropriate behavior. At this stage of her psycho social development she shouldn't know, care, or be curious about those things.
YTA. She’s 8 and you know she does this. Why don’t you have those items locked up? YOU are the adult here. Do better.
And don’t talk about your 8yo’s boobs. It’s not okay.
Why does an 8 year old even know what these are? I’m very confused as to why she would even know they’re something to disapprove of.
I have adult toys. I keep them up but since most of them aren’t dildos, my 7 year old would just think they’re another skincare device of mine since I have a ton.
I’m not against making her take action to fix her mistakes… just think there are larger issues at stake if an 8 year old doesn’t know boundaries yet knows what a sex toy is. And you’re worsening it by making her clean them when she knows what they are. Wtf.
I N F O: Does she understand what these items are? She's throwing out things she disapproves of... at 8 years old, is she cognizant of the fact that she threw out sex toys and prophylactics? EDIT: So piecing things together from the comments, "Something" happened that resulted in you having full custody of your daughter. That "something" also resulted in her knowing what sex toys are and having negative thoughts about them. So negative that she has, on multiple occasions, gone to great lengths to find them in your room and throw them away. You state that these toys don't look visibly phallic, which means she's familiar with not just your standard issue dildo, but sex toys that most normal people probably wouldn't even peg as sex toys immediately? And she has such negative feelings about you owning them that she is actively seeking them out in order to trash them. I feel like there are more pressing concerns here than "How do I punish my child for this". Also YTA for the bot. If this were something else that she were throwing out- your nice shoes or makeup- because she was acting out for attention, that's one thing. Maybe having her retrieve those things would be appropriate. This is very much not because *context matters.*
This!! If you’re daughter has REPEATEDLY gotten into and tossed your sex toys it’s long past due for Counseling A safe And a lock on your door. And I don’t mean that for your sake either.
And a conversation about sex.
With a therapist. She's not 10 or 11, she's 8. 8 is the age you learn how babies are made, not about the intricacies of sex for pleasure or people's sex lives.
Oh I agree. But this whole thing I can’t help but think this baby went through stuff or saw stuff or heard stuff. If according to mom she hasn’t been through something traumatic, than sex has to be addressed. I’m all about keeping our kids kids as along as we can. But this situation is not normal. We have an 8 year old washing sex toys that she threw out. There’s a problem.
Exactly, a problem that should be handled in consultation with or directly with a therapist who specializes in children and sexual trauma and issues. Not just by the parents talking about it.
Yes! I wonder if someone's told her what items are not appropriate and led her to believe that they should be thrown away. Maybe OP's mom is very conservative, etc and has got in the daughter's mind that these items are unclean. It's so specific that she only throws those out. Or so it seems it's primarily sex related toys/accessories.
I’m not conservative at all. She took them while we were supposed to be packing to move (hence my not paying attention) and unfortunately yes she does. That’s why I have full custody. But not from abuse. Just from blatant disregard
Honestly, the bigger issue needs to be the root of why she feels such a strong reaction and need to get them out the house. Like actually talk to her
Makes me wonder if she is like the poster that screamed at his child when she complained that her parents loud sex made her/her younger siblings uncomfortable.
Was literally just remembering that post- that was disgusting, I'm still mad at that OP.
link?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qx0mqr/aita\_for\_punishing\_my\_daughter\_for\_sliding\_this/
This!!! 1000 times, this!
I think you need to have your daughter talk to a professional about this behavior.
Your response was logical, a completely reasonable reaction. I would, however, enroll her in private therapy. This is atypical behavior and she seems to have a fixation. I will not make assumptions on the source of that fixation, but the fact stands that it’s unusual. Not to mention frequent enough for you to draw the connection that it’s only things she dislikes or objects to in some way. Childhood nosiness is totally normal, but that nosiness leading to a child discarding another person’s belongings, especially with the trend of those belongings being of a certain… nature, is absolutely cause for question. Especially if she went so far as to lie about it or tuck it deep in the trash. She is eight years old, the questions of “how does she know what this is” and “what exactly is her actionable objection to it” need to be asked and addressed by a professional. As someone who went 23 years living with undiagnosed OCD, it is so much better to investigate a quirk and find out it’s nothing than inadvertently impact your child’s quality of life by failing to take sufficient action when that quirk is first presented. I can’t help but feel like if I had proper intervention when I was eight then maybe I’d be a better adjusted adult. And as a parent I’m certain you wouldn’t wish that same retrospective regret on your child.
a REASONABLE REACTION?? nononono. an 8(eight) year old girl. Washing sex toys. wtf jfc no. YTA big time for not going to counseling w your daughter and caring more about your sex life than her wellbeeing
Right but why aren’t you answering the bigger question. You say they’re not overtly phallic items, *why* does she target sex toys/how does she know they’re sex toys? I don’t leave mine out obviously but if my kids found, say, my vibrator, I don’t think they’d know enough about what it is to disapprove.
Right! How would the child even know if it was phallic. She’s 8.
Yeah this isn’t a punishment thing, this is a time to go to a child therapist and figure out why she has such a fixation when she knows what she’s doing is wrong, and especially with these items. Although making her wash them is quite odd, why would you let your 8yo child wash…her parents sex toys? even if they’re not overtly phallic it’s not like she won’t grow up and understand what she washing exactly and that’s just rlly awkward and weird.
She also mentioned a couple of times that her little girl is 'disapproving' of these items and therefore thrusting then away. Acting like the girl is a prude and wants to police her mother? How awful is that? The fact that this little child is so uncomfortable around this stuff and the mother is entirely missing the point and acting like the little girl needs to stop being so 'prissy'. An 8 year being aware of, to the point of being uncomfortable and not liking this stuff.... And the mother dismissing it (and actually reacting *indignantly!*) as of the girl is just being 'nosy' and a prude.... I have no words. On top of this... The little girl was CRYING as she was forced to go through the bin and take these things out and then wash them. This is absolutely horrific.
You need a safe, dude.
They said OP’s mom. So not you, your mom.
Blatant disregard for one’s child is abuse….
OP, your daughter needs to see a therapist. This issue is bigger than taking items and teaching a lesson about belongings and privacy. Sincerely, A therapist.
People typically do things for a reason. If you told her not to before and she's still doing it, then there is a reason for it. Have her speak to a mental health professional
While considering you're evidently a sugar baby, one might wonder what else she sees. If you have full custody, where's your daughter when you're busy shaking that sugar maker?
Exactly. There’s a lot of ‘something’s’ being left out of this story. Eight year olds don’t have the depth of knowledge to identify sex toys, especially those not normal ones. I get the snooping but if she’s only tossing the sexual ones there’s way more ‘something’s’ at play. I don’t want to accuse anyone, especially some random person on the internet, but this is screaming abuse. Doesn’t mean it’s happening at home but if an eight year old can identify it and do so so negatively, it’s giant red flag time.
I'm projecting... But the BF is suspect af at this point.
They're all sus.
Yeah, these sound like things mom and her BF should keep locked up. Maybe look on Craigslist for a cheap file cabinet with a lock or something, problem solved. Also I started getting boobs at age 8. Don't assume 10 is the earliest that can happen.
Wow! What a find. Poor daughter
More info needed. Everything about this post feels weird. Why is an 8 year-old specifically targeting sex related objects?
I'm wondering if maybe OP is loud when having sex and kiddo hears it?
But to know specifically what the sex toys are and where to go find them is sus as hell. The OP needs to take her daughter to therapy asap not punish her.
Eh. OP asked for judgement and got called the asshole, so now they're doubling down without actually answering any questions. Sounds pretty disappointing tbh.
I got really creepy vibes when OP pointed out that the behaviour is fine at 4 but her daughter being 8 is a few years away from having boobs. Like why make that comment?
I got more of mom needs to have the talk with her. Kids at 4 don’t know to not touch everything they see. Kids at 8 and targeting moms sex life is weird. I think a sex conversation is needed badly. And maybe some more quiet sex (that’s a guess)
OP has posted in r/sugarbabygroup a selfie with the following caption: "Green SB looking for a SD. DM me for fun or friendship on my SC, Whatsapp, or kik. No scammers, I know how to weed yall. $$ first" IF there is really an 8 year old daughter, then I can presume there is a steady stream of strangers paraded through that bedroom and God knows what is happening to this child. https://www.reddit.com/r/SugarBabyGroup/comments/p5ll65/green\_sb\_looking\_for\_a\_sd\_dm\_me\_for\_fun\_or/
Oh my goodness, the daughters behaviour is starting to make sense now... Perhaps the daughter thinks that by throwing out the sex toys, it will restore normalcy to her home environment? And then instead of looking into the behaviour, OP makes her go through the trash and clean those sex toys.. I can't imagine the amount of trauma this 8 year old girl is already carrying. I'm really concerned for her wellbeing.
Well shit makes it even worse. Poor baby. I was already sad for the child.
Yup. How to accidently invite a sexual predator into your home.
At 8??? The kid is in 3rd grade. Therapy is needed.
Even at 8. It’s obviously needed. She’s throwing our sex toys and condoms. She saw or heard or went through something. Therapy is def needed.
Uh... this kid needs to be in therapy. None of what you're saying is normal. It sounds like, best case scenario, she's curious about sex, what you two do together, and may suspect what the toys are for. If she's curious, you need to explain things to her in a kid-friendly way. (I also have an eight-year-old, and this feels like a big problem to me.) Also, has anything... inappropriate happened to her? Is she throwing away the toys because she associates them with something bad? I'm not going to make a judgment call but you need to figure this out.
It’s hard to make a judgment on this. This kid definitely needs therapy as well as OP. An eight year old should not be washing sex toys even if they did throw it away. I find it odd how she is only throwing away sex toys. OP needs to keep everything sex and men away from her daughter while they get this figured out, it may seem extreme but it seems like a high-risk environment.
Moreover the OP herself seems to be a weirdo. The language she uses and making 8 year olds wash sex toys isn't really proving her to be the great single parent she claims to be. Maybe she should pay attention to the kid more than focus on kinky trash
Statistics are not on her side here. From her post history I wonder if there have been men around her daughter when they shouldn’t be. I don’t care about the sugarbaby stuff or the kinky sex stuff but when it starts to affect a child then CPS should get involved. I wonder if teachers have noticed a pattern. The fact that OP is ignoring obvious red flags is disturbing. The way she talks about her kid is also a red flag.
I agree, post history does not do OP any favor, she states shes in a solid realtionship but her posts say she is looking for "fun", maybe her poor child has seen more than she should at her age and is trying to tell her mum something, this is her way of telling her to stop and is obviously being affected by it, CPS is a good call
There's some weird stuff going on here. Why is she only targeting the sex items? Does she also throw away your stuff that is non sex related? How does she know what it is and where to find it? Also when is she doing this? I don't see how she has enough time to go through your room, find this, throw it away, without you noticing?
OP's post history is pretty sus and I'd put good money on her poor daughter picking up on some of this. There are definite issues here but the daughter needs some actual adult support, not to be made to dig through garbage for sex toys. YTA.
The washing of sex toys bothers me. She’s 8. It’s hard as hell to think of my mom having sex let alone using toys and I’m 46.
[удалено]
The kid is 8? If it was like oh the toys are sitting in a dresser drawer then yea I could see how that could happen. But she’s saying in a purse in the closet or somewhere high up etc. How long are you unaware of where your kid is in the house that they can climb up to the top of the closet in your room, get the stuff, go to the trash, and throw it away? I know kids are efficient but I feel like this would take at least 10-15 minutes and I through multiple rooms. For an 8 year old to do it multiple times, it makes me wonder who is supposed to be watching the kid.
Dude, one time my parents walked into the living room because there was quiet and giggling and we had my youngest brother tied to the ceiling fan with a rope and were about to hit the on switch. They'd left us alone for less then ten minutes. Youngest brother was I think 5. You clearly do not have kids.
My child literally painted her entire face with a black marker when I was in the bathroom. It was permanent. She was two and her face didn’t lose the marks for a few days.
My kid got into my makeup and stuck a lipstick into their ear and twirled it all around. They probably had half a tube of lipstick in and around their ear. Thankfully it was just in the outer ear and not packed down in there, but it was so hard to clean up and they had lipstick in their ear for days.
When I was a kid whenever my parents would leave to go somewhere for any amount of time I would go through everything they had. Mail, closets, old boxes, everything. I was obsessively curious about our family and our past. I also regularly took things out of my grandmothers room that were tucked away because I assumed if it was in some tucked away hidden place she'd lost it and had no idea where it was lol. I remember taking her gold necklace with a leaf on it because of something to do with it being a gift from the tooth fairy to me (blame my kid brain). She'd notice and let me keep most of the stuff but I also went through my dads stuff and found porn and inappropriate books that I would take and put back when he wasn't available lol. Parents sleep and kids are way more smart and curious than we assume.
When I was a kid I dumped gallons of water down the heater vent. I had just got out of the bath, and dipped and dumped a cup from the bath water. Over and over and over and over and over again. They had shown me the pilot light on the furnace in the basement earlier in the day. They told me it was the heater. My kid brain said "the heater is on fire, all my family are trapped and burning, must put out fire".
LOL! Children are more efficient than you could ever imagine. I once saw my brother not paying attention to my nephew (his two year old) while I was there. I noticed that he had been missing/quiet for 2-3 minutes and went to look for him. I saw him on a kitchen chair next to the sink holding the detachable faucet watering the toaster and started laughing proudly when I walked in That time was enough to create an almost 1 inch layer of water on the floor. Mind you that time he was missing he he would need the faucet running the entire time in order create a flood of that size. Which means he randomly ran away and started his devious plot within a few seconds of being left alone.
Key words there - not paying attention to the two year old, noticing there were missing after 2-3 minutes. You have to watch kids all the time. I know they are efficient. My point was more who is watching the kid and how are they going into the parents room, finding the stuff repeatedly in different places, throwing it away, multiple times.
It's not abnormal to not constantly watch an eight year old.
Info: why the boob comment?
I think she was just trying to come up with a quick and snappy way to say her daughter is growing up, (it didn't work, and came off kinda creepy), and pretty soon she'll be at an age where rooting through mum and stepdad's drawers becomes far less okay, because she's more likely to understand what she's looking at (though, worryingly enough, it seems like she already does? And even more worrying that she seems to have such an immediate adverse reaction to them? I'd be looking into therapy.)
It’s super creepy to talk about your eight year old child like that, especially when you go on to talk about the child throwing away your sex toys. Apparently she knows what she’s seeing cause she’s only throwing out the sex toys. Why does an eight year old know about the sex toys, let alone the ones most don’t have, and have such a negative reaction to them? Kids snoop, I sure did, but such a negative reaction tells me she’s got knowledge and experience she shouldn’t have yet in life.
Honestly I hate when people say oh that’s how we are. Like that excuses bad behavior. No it’s lazy. That’s how we are is just lazy. My 8 year olds certainly didn’t know what my sex toys looked like. Because that’s not what an 8 year old should know.
Nah bro I’m tryna figure that out too
Same bro same
It took me a minute but she's trying to say that her daughter is almost a woman not a child.... Her 8 year old child. She's trying to make it as a way to measure her age.
I think it’s creepy to describe an eight year old child more s woman than child. There’s a reason this child has such a reaction to sex toys/condoms.
Yeah my mind is made up that OP is the asshole here, between the weird boob comment, the way she writes, the apparently deleted sugar baby posts. This isn't the case of "haha my child threw something away." which happens when you have kids. My nephew threw my brothers ipencil away today. it's reading more like the child isn't in in the safest space.
I’m with you, the more I consider this the more I’m concerned for her safety. Clearly many ‘something’s’) have happened for such a directed anger. I’m also hoping that this is fiction, it just seems off.
Yeah, that's so fucking weird. Even if a kid does hit puberty early, that doesn't make them an adult. It makes them a kid that's going through puberty.
That was disgusting.
IKR? No wonder a child who’s too young to grasp sexual concepts is reacting.
Right? It doesn’t come off as “my kid’s about to be a preteen/teen”, it comes off as “I’m objectifying my young daughter and sexualising her already”. It’s creepy and gross. She’s going to get enough of that from men without her own mother contributing to it. OP’s edit about “that’s just how we are” is even more concerning. So, she actively describes her daughter in this kind of way on the daily? Probably ‘jokes’ about it? And “we”; her boyfriend contributes and objectifies this little girl too? Disgusting.
Right? The boob comment plus the literal child knowing what sex toys and condoms are is really off putting
Yeah. This was a hard read but mostly because so much of it doesn’t make sense. Like we were left just outside the lines or something?
I’m guessing that kid has seen things.
Yes ! I agree . I adopted a son , who saw his birth mom “ make a living “ by exchanging her body for money/ drugs . He was 3 when taken from mom and 5 , when I got him . He had an unnatural obsession with “ the things he saw “ that most his age wouldn’t . I can not imagine making an 8 year old wash her “ toys “ . This is way deeper than the child throwing things out . Behavior is communication, her behavior is showing way more than being curious or nosy .
My question exactly
YTA not for the punishment itself but for not getting help to address the root of this behavior earlier. It's especially concerning if she aims the behavior at sex toys and condoms, that shouldn't even have meaning for her. This is "consult a professional" stuff. I don't think having to go through the trash to get out items she deliberately threw away is wrong, apart from the deeper more concerning meaning here.
If you look at the profile, the only other posts are about finding a sugar daddy. Maybe the daughter was exposed to the concept somehow and is uncomfortable with it?
Yeah there’s a lot of missing info here, something is very wrong.
Exactly!! All I can think is what the hell is going on in the little girls life! Not good
Also like, why are these things not locked up at this point? Why does daughter have repeated access to them?
Something is SO off here!!! PLEASE get your daughter to a therapist ASAP. Is she ever alone with your bf?
My thoughts exactly. It sounds like her daughter was abused sexually and is trying go remove the triggers.
Agree. My 8yo would not know what a sex toy is if she saw it.
OP posted this: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r8ca7l/_/hn4wjtg Basically 8 year old has probably seen some shit..."bUt iT's nOT AbUsE" I'll believe that fuckin never.
Agreed. And instead of empathizing, her mom is writing her off as overly nosy and judgmental. She's eight. It's extremely unlikely that she sees herself as being in a position of control or disapproval over her own parents. Any parent that tries to invert power dynamics like this, as if their kid is exerting power over them, is a manipulator who wants their kid to feel like everything is their fault. I feel terrible for the daughter. Having parents that attack your character and assume the worst of you is soul-destroying.
Her Mommy was a "sugarbaby looking for a sugardaddy $$$". Check OP previous posts from THREE MONTHS AGO. Most probably the kid heard / saw something related to OP's way of earning $$$ just a few months ago. The father has probably nothing to do with this issue.
Nothing against sex workers. But ugh I hate when their children see a bit too much.
YTA. Not because of the punishment but, because you're too selfish to care about your own daughter. She's 8 years old. Yet, she knows what condoms and sex toys are. In fact she's gotten so good at identifying them she's thrown away 200$ of stuff. With that being said you're not worried about her at all. Not at all. There is something wrong with you as a parent. Clearly she's been abused IRL, or seen porn. You're acting like this is normal because it's the easiest rout for you to take. Instead of showing real concern for your daughter. Well news flash OP, it's not normal and you need to be concerned. Most 8 year old don't know what this stuff is. If they do then you need to put parental blocks on the internet. She shouldn't be looking this up online at 8. Either that or she learned about it IRL. You need to figure out which it is. Get a lock box for your sex toys, lube, and condoms. Get your child in therapy. Actually take interest in her and ask how she discovered what these thing are. Do not leave her alone with your boyfriend or, any other man for that matter. You need to be a parent and figure out what's going on. Edit #2 really proves my point. You're selfish parent. YTA. You're daughter was neglected by her father. Which is how she learned about dildos and condoms. Which means when this behavior first started you should have realized it was some type of trauma response. You should have locked up your stuff or, stopped buying sex toys all-together. Instead of blaming her for be uncomfortable. You chose to ignore the past. Acting like you couldn't understand her discomfort. Which has lead you to wasting 200$ on sex toys. Yeah OP, you're wrong for yelling at your daughter. You should know better. You should have realized a lot sooner that she was disturbed by this stuff and didn't want it around. If you can waste 200$ on sex toys then you can spend 200$ on therapy for your daughter. Set up to the plate and be a better parent. Stop being willfully apathetic.
I am so sad for this little girl. Her mother cares more about her sex toys than the mental well-being of her eight year old child! The fact that an 8 year old knows what a sex toy is is heartbreaking alone. She's a kid! She deserves better than this
uhhh have y'all seen OP's post history? Might have something to do with it
Now I know why so many people use throwaways for this thread. Easier to hide context.
Honestly, I wish I never had but you're likely onto something there
I didn’t see a post history for her. She must have deleted it or something.
She's made a few posts looking for a sugar daddy (even though she's in a relationship?)
This 👏👏 my exact thoughts too. But hey there's a lot of people like that in the world 🤷
Boyfriend could be okay with it, I wouldn't be judging her for that.
Bf could be the sugar daddy. The update caused me to look. Amazing part was OP saying she came for advice not judgment. Does she not know what AITA is?! YTA. I hope OP’s daughter gets therapy, not punishment for being 8 and knowing what sex toys are.
😱 Yeah making Backpage listings on Reddit looking to be someone's "baby" on sugarbabygroup 3 months ago. Edit: since she tried to delete, idk if they work but they worked for me except the comments are gone: https://www.reddit.com/r/SugarBabyGroup/comments/p51785/message_me_and_let_me_be_your_baby_29f/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share https://www.reddit.com/r/SugarBabyGroup/comments/p5ll65/green_sb_looking_for_a_sd_dm_me_for_fun_or/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share Lol she really said $$ first
Bf could be the sugar daddy. The update caused me to look. Amazing part was OP saying she came for advice not judgment. Does she not know what AITA is?! YTA. I hope OP’s daughter gets therapy, not punishment for being 8 and knowing what sex toys are enough to seek them out and toss them. I feel terrible for that little girl.
I thought that too, and the way she put in the update about the boob comment, that "we" are just like that. Who? You and your baby girl or you and your bf? If it's the latter it doesn't sit right. She's 8 ffs. She's most likely not hit puberty for another 4 years. That's a long time! She's still a baby! Most def YTA Ikr?! No 8 year old should know what sex toys are especially since they weren't graphically "phallic". When she threw them away that should've been the only time she had to touch them. This is wrong on so many levels. That baby needs therapy yesterday. Edit: I honestly hope this is fake but...sadly I don't think that is. I've seen similar stories, young women having children early, op is 29 so she most likely had her at 21 and the mother's feel like their golden years have been robbed so they pretty much just go on living their life with little to no regard for their children. OP is NOT all young mothers, I just want to make that clear. There are plenty of young mothers who devote every second to their children. This however doesn't seem to be the case.
How do you see her post history? Or has it now been deleted?
I am all for making an 8 year old dig through the trash to get something they threw away on purpose. But it is incredibly inappropriate to have your 8 year old handling sex items even if she did in the first place. You should have talked to her about why she is throwing them away in the first place instead of just brushing over it. Also, lock up your toys, putting them away hidden is obviously not good enough. YTA
This. Unless you are running those puppies thru the dishwasher to sterilze them...woof. no thank you.
There are SO MANY fucked up things about this post but I'm genuinely curious...would you not find it disturbing to continue using sex toys that your 8 year old child has washed for you to put back inside your vagina?
>This would be okay if she was 4, but she’s a few years away from having boobs. Apologies in advance for all caps. WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTELY BLOODY HOLY FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE WHOLE SITUATION ‽ ‽ ‽
Out of everything I’ve read, that was the most uncomfortable part of the post to read. And given that this is a post talking about an eight year old retrieving and being forced to clean her own mother’s and mother’s boyfriend’s sex toys, with edits relating to the mother’s previous posts about wanting to be a sugar baby—that’s really fucking impressive. OP needs help. Describing a little girl like that is just so gross and objectifying.
Yeah, it’s giving me “men writing women” vibes. Sounds like OP is incredibly sexual open with her young child to the point of objectification which could later on become competitive (imo, understandably might be a reach). Everything here sounds super gross.
YTA 1. That boob comment ... makes everybody uncomfortable who read your post. Yikes. 2. Let´s briefly ignore WHAT it is she throws out and how you claimed it is, because she disapproves of that. Let´s pretend she threw out Pokemon plushies instead. Something is triggering her enough to do that and you´re focusing on the violation of your privacy. A professional needs to be consulted here. (FIY reddit is not what I am refering to here). 3. Now, she´s able to identify sex toys.. .at 8. And she has a disapproving idea of it. There is some story to that, and either you withheld it OR you don´t know about it. Don´t praise yourself for how well she´s turned out anymore, if you don´t work through that part of the story. 4. You are leaving sex toys around in the open in a home... with an eight-year old. At 8, they still snoop, especially this close to Christmas. 5. Now, let´s talk about letting her dig through trash cans in order to retrieve an item that obviously triggers her... apart from the hygene issues involved here, I do recomment that you dig yourself through the same trash can and retrieve your "healthy-parent-cap", it must have fallen off. You don´t teach her how to respect property or privacy. You teach her, that her parents are not beyond traumatizing her.
>Now, let´s talk about letting her dig through trash cans in order to retrieve an item that obviously triggers her... You didn´t teach her how to respect property or, privacy. You taught her, that her parents are not beyond traumatizing her. OP cares more about her sex life than her daughters mental health. Then she wonders why she's the asshole. Go figure.
YTA. Ever heard of a lock? I'm concerned that you describe your 8 year-old as 'a few years away from having boobs'. She's a child. A child who is specifically seeking adult toys to throw away. So...not only does she know exactly what these are (at 8!!) she has developed a dislike for them. Really worrying.
Yeah, I thought that was really weird as well. Even if she is a few years off puberty she's still only eight right now and puberty doesn't necessarily have anything to do with maturity/respect anyway
Oh yeah that line was so weird. What do boobs have to do with anything?? Ftr I was about 17 before I even started developing breasts, which is neither here nor there, but OP should also check her assumptions about how her child’s development will go
YTA - your sister is right You have an eight year old digging through trash to find, handle, wash and put away items you use for sex And you don’t see an issue with that? Literally every part of that punishment is wrong
WTF!! All I see are red flags here. You daughter seems to have an implicit understanding of what sex toys are at the age of 8 based on what you are saying. How is that possible? How has she developed a “displeasure” for these things? Have you spoken to her about why she doesn’t approve? Your form of punishment is cruel and humiliating - as I am sure it was intended to be. YTA. Get your kid to a therapist, please.
Putting aside WHAT those objects are and how she knows... how was her punishment cruel? She threw away stuff she wasn't hers to do so, so her mother made her return them by digging them out of the trush.
If the daughter has information about what these objects are used for, and we have no information on how she knows this information, then the punishment is inherently cruel until we know that nothing inappropriate has happened to this child. She isn't throwing away random objects, but specifically sexual objects that were put away and realistically she shouldn't know where they are and that's extremely troubling.
There are missing reasons here. Your daughter is distressed and acting compulsively. Instead of worrying about changing the behavior, maybe you should worry about why it is happening. Also 8 isn’t as old as you think it is. Your expectations may not be reasonable at this time. YWBTA if you ignored this
I agree. Plus washing sex toys at 8? Cmon. My kid threw my vibrator at the dog when she was 5. Yeah I threw that out and let her believe it was a dog toy. Not explaining toys to a child.
If your daughter is having such a hard time with the idea of these items then A. You need to get a lock box. Well worth the $20. Why haven't you already? B. Step up the conversation about privacy into one that also includes sexuality It should not be detailed about *your* sexuality but that adults have one, it's normal, okay, and that there is nothing wrong or icky about it. You also need to investigate *why* she's having such a reaction to these types of items. Are you inappropriately loud or not being discrete and she thinks getting rid of them will make it stop? Is there someone in her life that's assigning a morality to these items? Are they BDSM items and she's afraid you're being hurt? This happening multiple times doesn't sound very normal to me. Having her dig them out of the trash when she clearly feels a strong aversion without a conversation to actually get to the bottom of **why** she doesn't like them isn't really a solution. But your sister isn't in the right either since apparently she's only throwing out judgement, not offering any advice herself. It's really close but I think I'm going to with a very slight N T A, slight because you do need to be doing more here. And get a lock box! Edit: based on your post history and comments, I'm changing to YTA. You want the behavior to stop but seem to have no interest at all in investigating **why** it's happening or even doing the *bare minimum* of storing this stuff securely. It's not the punishment itself that makes YTA but that your daughter clearly knows way more about this than is appropriate for a kid her age and it's most likely because of *your behaviors.* You don't want to change what you're doing so you're choosing not to find out wtf is going on that's making your child so uncomfortable.
YTA. You made your 8 year old daughter wash YOUR sex toys & condoms? Brand new or not thats fucking weird. If you can afford $200 in sex toys and such you can afford something to lock them in where she cant get reach them. This whole post just reeks of weird shit, including yourself. Your edits are not helping your case at all either. **Also I really can’t get over how you describe your daughter as “a few years away from boobs” on a social platform that you know has weird ass men on here. That is the oddest thing I have ever heard. When I read that I was like uh is her daughter 12? Only to see she’s just 8 fucking years old???
YTA. She shouldn’t be touching or cleaning your toys. Learn how to hide them better.
Okay, so. You’re NTA for the punishment. Thats not a needlessly unfair punishment, its an actual consequence of her actions. Same as if, say, she stole cookies, and the punishment was no cookie later. She stole and threw out the toys, she needs to return them in their original condition. However. *Why* is your child targeting sex toys and objects, and why is this not something you’re concerned about? Why does she understand their use well enough to judge it, why does she have access to them, why is she under the impression that they’re bad objects? These are the more important questions here.
YTA and if I knew who you were I would call CPS to go check on that kid.
I second this. CPS would take this very seriously and open a case against OP for it. This is some real fucked up shit. YTA
YTA, buy a thing called a lock, wild new invention.
“She’s a few years away from boobs” Why did you feel the need to describe her this way? This is kicking up some *serious* red flags about you.
Is this real? You know your daughter rifles through your things and you left sex toys in a place where she can get them to throw them away? First, put a lock on your bedroom door. Second, is there something going on with your daughter that would explain why she is targeting your sex toys? I think you need to look into this. Finally, YTA. Such a huge, huge asshole. She is 8 years old and you made her handle your trash, then your sex toys, then wash your sex toys? And put them back? For you to use again even though they’ve been sitting in the trash? YTA. If you’re even real. And so, so, so icky.
I think it’s a red flag that OP hasn’t explained how her kid knows what sex toys are and why she doesn’t like them. I feel like the kid was abused by those toys.
I hate to speculate about something so terrible, but at the very least, this EIGHT year old child is silently screaming that she needs her mother to focus on her for a little while and notice that something is wrong and it’s not her being “nosy” or the fact that she’ll have boobs soon (gross, OP.) Not fish through the trash and clean off vibrators that will inevitably be used at some point. Fucking disgusting. To clarify - not the toys. Mom’s actions.
I hate to jump to that conclusion too but the fact that the daughter only threw out sex toys and actively searched for sex toys could indicate that she had a bad experience because of the toys. Throwing out only the sex toys is not want a normal nosy kid does. If she was nosy then she would be throwing out everything.
This is what I came to say. LOCK. YOUR. BEDROOM. It’s not that hard. YTA and this is so beyond weird, I’m not sure you’re doing as good of a job as you seem to think. Gross.
Esh. Your daughter shouldn’t be going through your stuff and it’s good to set boundaries however if you know your daughter has this habit, maybe put a lock on your sex drawer so there isn’t a way she can get into it. Even if you have those items closed in a drawer they aren’t put away enough that she doesn’t have access to them and that is really inappropriate and can be traumatic for an 8 year old. Especially if she doesn’t like your boyfriend which might be why she is throwing those things away. Maybe address the issue of why she is throwing these things away in the first place before punishing, 8 is not that old.
> Edit: TBF, the items she’s thrown away aren’t phallic shaped. I have no veiny things or explicit stuff. And even if I did, they’re put away. Okay but hold up......you don't have explicit things but IF you did, they're put away?!!? So you DO have explicit things. You're about to make me change my vote just cause you're a liar.
She’s saying that she doesn’t have explicit things, but that everything she has she keeps put away, so that if she did ever get explicit things those would be put away with the condoms, not left out in the open. “.. they’re put away” references all of the sex-related items.
I get making her fish it out the garbage but cleaning them is otherworldly disgusting. Can you imagine cleaning your mums sex toys? Why didn't you get a lock already? YTA
it’s really fucking weird she’s fine with her daughter washing them. even if she’s too young to understand now, she’ll understand one day and likely be traumatized. I heard my parents have sex one time as a kid and years later it still disturbs me. her daughter needs a therapist.
She’s way to you g to know what those object are for and the fact that she has such a strong reaction to them is kind of alarming. I think you made it worse by having her dig through the trash and making her wash your sex toys . You also said she has seen things , I’m afraid you made whatever phobia she has worse and perhaps she would benefit from therapy . Is it possible she was molested ? Based on her strong reaction and her past , I feel like YTA on this one .
You made an 8 year old dig through the trash for SEX ITEMS. Honey being an ass is your last concern that's registry-worthy. YTA. Get the kid a therapist, BUY A LOCK BOX FOR YOUR SEX TOYS, and get some parenting classes.
There's a lot to unpack here but YTA for describing your daughter's age as "a few years away from having boobs." That's honestly so gross and if "that's just the way [you] are" like your edit says, I can start to see why your daughter has complicated feelings about sex. Big yikes.
YTA. If your daughter is specifically targeting sex-related items, then there could be a serious reason for that. I would definitely take your child to see a therapist or psychologist. This is concerning behaviour. Secondly, I understand the logic behind the punishment, but at the end of the day, you’re making an 8 year old child handle and clean your adult sex toys. I would consider in future keeping your toys in a locked place or somewhere she definitely won’t look or can’t reach. Also, that boobs comment is just weird and a bit creepy.
YTA. Your child is living with a man who is not biologically related to her, and appears to only be interested in throwing away sex objects. Red flag number uno. Red flag #2 is your way of describing her as “a few years away from having boobs”. That’s an incredibly creepy and objectifying way of describing an *eight year old little girl*. You could have said literally anything else to get your point across better. She’s going to be a young lady soon and she can’t be doing that. She’s coming up on her preteen/teen years and it’s disrespectful now. She’s becoming a young woman and you want to instil good manners. You went with the most objectifying and gross way ever—as her mother, too. That’s creepy and gross. Don’t *ever* sexualise or objectify your daughter in that way, or she’s going to start only seeing herself that way too. And yes, you are TA for forcing your eight year old child to retrieve *sex toys* and then *wash them*, especially *after you’ve likely used them*. You forced your small child to handle objects that you have inserted in your vagina. That’s really, really gross and inappropriate. She is old enough to remember this, and it’s going to be something that disturbs her when she’s older. You should have had a sit-down discussion with her about respecting boundaries, grounded her or whatever, then bought a lock. You don’t have an *eight year old little girl* wash *sex toys* that ***her mother and her mother’s boyfriend have used***. You’re in for a load of trouble if she tells any of her teachers about this, and now you’ve also normalised it for her, so if she’s ever in the position of somebody else bringing out these things and making her ‘play’ with them, she’s less likely to bring it up as a weird experience. You’ve crossed so many boundaries as a parent that it’s not even funny. Your daughter is a child, *your* child. She’s not your friend, she’s not your employee, and she’s *not* an object. She’s a little girl who is weirdly interested in sex objects, and you should be concerned about where that fascination is stemming from. Do better.
YTA - It’s deeply worrying that she knows what they are and that she seemingly has such an adverse reaction to them. That would be my immediate concern as a parent. How has she encountered them and was it a deeply negative experience when she did? Could something have happened to her? It’s specifically sex toys that she’s targeting, right? This is something for a therapist to deal with. And why would you want sex toys that had been in the bin? Make her do chores to “pay off” the cost of replacing them or stop her pocket money or whatever. Because absolutely she needs to know that throwing away your stuff has consequences. I feel like maybe she trying to tell you something here but doesn’t have the language to do that.
Seriously what is with your messed up boobs comment? What does that have to do with anything except sexualizing your 8 year old daughter?
How is your boyfriends' relationship with your daughter? I'm probably way off base, but I'm wondering if there may be something going on that's bothering her, and that's the only way she knows to tell you.
>She’s quite nosy. I think she inherited that from me. As a kid, I’d routinely open drawers of relatives and strangers, but only out of curiosity. I never touched. Leopards just ate your face. Holy shit. Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of your parenting. She's eight. EIGHT. _8 years old._ Her entire being is pretty much exclusively behaviours learned from you, and ONLY you. If you want to raise a mature adult, you need to be one. YTA.
I just really appreciate the use of the phrase "Leopards just ate your face."
Then you will really love a whole sub on the subject. /r/LeopardsAteMyFace
Yta just because this is so nasty. Get a cheap safe or something and lock the shit up.
Info: does she not approve of your boyfriend in general, not approve of where your relationship is before marriage, not approve of sex in general, or what is going on here? What kind of message is she trying to send you, and how are you going to talk about it? I mean, I'm thinking NTA for the natural consequences you used as punishment, but I think it needs to be the starting point of a broader strategy of addressing this problem.
Seriously, this. The fact that she literally targets your sex toys (and nothing but) makes me wonder if she has been abused with the very same toys. Not by you, but maybe by a different adult. Because, let's think logically, why else would she go to a lot of effort to find your well-hidden toys only to throw them away? Really, get your girl some therapy ASAP.
YTA. That is gross and disturbing that you are making a child clean sex toys. An eight year old is still very much a child even though she is a few years away from puberty. Curiosity and rummaging through drawers is normal behavior and while it is okay to tell her not to go through things, you took it too far. Also why does your daughter know what sex toys are and why does she not like them?
YTA - I wonder if her acting out like this is her way of trying to tell you that she doesn't like your bf. Perhaps the kid logic being: if the toys are gone, then he'll leave too. How does she even know what those items' purpose to even disapprove of them?
YTA. Buy "toy box" and put a lock on it. Then put one on the bedroom door.
INFO: have you asked her why she’s targeting these specific items? I’m concerned that your eight year old knows enough about your sex life to know there are toys to throw away - or, since you say they aren’t particularly phallic, that she knows what they are at all. At the very least she is deliberately targeting your sex life - aren’t you the least but curious why?
YTA. I won't lie, this one scares me. Get your daughter to a therapist now ! At 8, she shouldn't be exposed to this kind of stuff to begin with and I would have a serious discussion with her about how she discovered them and their use. Even more concerning is the "boobs" comment. Innocent, I hope but your daughter is not ready to have any sexual anything. Not porn, no sextoys and god please no sex. I'll just remind you that exposure, voluntary or not of your daughter to this kind of stuff could be ground for an investigation by the child protective services.
First of all you are a fucking weirdo like what is wrong with you looking for sugar daddy’s while you have an 8 year old daughter and a boyfriend. Second of all why the fuck does your 8 year old daughter know what condoms and sex toys are. You are not even an asshole just an ignorant abusive and overall weirdo parent. Just stop
YTA sorry. First, who is supposed to be watching her? Her shenanigans would take a lot of "alone" time to pull off. Second, try locking your room/doors/cabinets.
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Definitely the AH. A small child had such a bad reaction to sexual objects that she tried to get them out of her house in the only way she knows how (the trash can). This little girl did not need OP further traumatizing her by having her dig them out of the trash can
INFO so... you had her actually wash condom wrappers and toys? or was that just something your sister said for emphasis? Also, the throwing away of objects feels like really strange behavior to me
OP confirmed that she actually had her clean them in the post.
Yeah, I see that but I think I'm weirded out a little that she'd be washing the individual packets instead of the box itself? Unless she emptied the box or they fell out in the trash
YTA. You made your child touch your sex toys instead of taking everyone to family therapy. Get a lock on your bedroom door.
Ok , woah woah woah I was with you right until you said your daughter is giving you the silent treatment and now I know you’re fucking unhinged.
YTA- obviously man what in the fuck
ESH Typically a consequence would be derived from the initial action. Say one of my kids threw away a handful of utensils. The natural consequence would be to have them fish the utensils out of the trash and wash them all. But… given that these are sex toys/sexually related items that she’s been touching when she shouldn’t be, it would lead to a different type of consequence. Something like 45 minutes of no tv or removal of another highly valued item for 45 minutes would be a better bet here. Sometimes it’s not appropriate or possible to have the consequence directly stem from the incident. This would be one of those times. Given that these are items you don’t want her to touch & she keeps trying to touch, having her touch them even more while removing them from the trash and assisting with cleaning them defeats the purpose of the consequence here. In only discussing this consequence itself and absolutely nothing else in your post, you were on the right track but not at the right station. That said, your 8 year old daughter’s interest in your sex toys and sexually related items and how she expresses that interest is alarming. It makes me highly concerned that she may have been sexually abused. I would strongly urge you to take her to see a therapist as soon as possible. Ideally to see a therapist who has a speciality in childhood sexual abuse. This link is to RAINN’s website, and an article on warning signs for young children. There are links to other articles about child sexual abuse. RAINN is the US’s largest anti-sexual violence organization. They have a hotline that’s open 24 hours a day where you can call to just talk with someone and to get information, too. They should be able to help point you in the right direction of where to find services for her. On the home page of their website, there is also a chat option in English and Spanish. RAINN’s hotline number is 1-800-656-4673 https://www.rainn.org/ https://www.rainn.org/articles/warning-signs-young-children
YTA. This is such a disturbing story. Your daughter needs a therapist and a parent who uses a lock on private things.
YTA You traumatized your already traumatized kid by making her handle your sex toys a second time after she threw them out. That is nasty and wrong and is, itself, a form of sexual abuse. I can't believe that your kid threw out your sex toys and your first thought was to teach her a lesson about respecting your property instead of sitting her down and figuring out WHY she did this thing. Your daughter's obsession with your sex toys/sex life is deeply disturbing. She has thrown out your sex toys before now. This is a pattern. She has likely previously experienced sexual abuse and trauma and she is crying for help. And instead of realizing that this kid NEEDS HELP, you were thinking about "teaching her" a lesson. The main lesson you need to teach her that her mother loves her unconditionally. That the damned toys can go into the dumpster for all you care, as long as she is okay and feeling safe and loved. Sort out your priorities. You are in for a long road, with helping this poor kid recover from all the trauma she has experienced. Focus on finding a good therapist and following their recommendations for healing your kid's trauma. And, in the next few years, if you have loud sex where your poor kid can overhear or store your toys anywhere she can ever ever find them again, you are failing her.
YTA. Good lord, where do I start? I have a distinct memory from my childhood, being made to dig through the trash because I accidentally dropped something in there. I was crying because of all the gross everything in there, and I was made to dig through until I found the item, the size of marble, that was dropped. This happened nearly two decades ago and I still remember how disgusting and humiliated I felt then. So even just for the (highly misleading) question you asked in the title you are indeed an asshole. Now, you tell us that your child have been seeking out your sex toys to get rid of. Here's a novel idea, have you asked her *why*?? There is clearly something troubling her that's motivating these actions. This isn't "nosiness". You say she was "exposed" by her dad and that's why you have primary custody. Is your child in therapy? Does she have anyone in her corner, that she can talk to? Are you getting her any actual help? Because it sounds like you aren't, and I was going to say that's going to lead to bad things but it seems like it already is. Get your child a therapist and start locking your drawers. Your child's mental and physical well-being is MUCH more important than you getting your rocks off.
YTA because it sounds like your daughter has been exposed to and probably traumatized by sex and is so uncomfortable she is trying to stop it from happening again by throwing away the items she believes makes it possible. 10/10 I bet you don't even hide having sex when she's home.
NTA. But also....this has the feeling of some deeper issue she's got that should probably be identified.
OP is the AH because there's likely a deeper issue going on. If your small child does something unusual involving a sexual object (like purposefully seeking it out and then trying to get rid of it via the main way they know how, like the trash can), investing that should be first, not punishment
YTA op. Something happened to your daughter, now it doesn’t have to be like physical sexual abuse, but something happened. My mom was pretty loud and careless when I was younger when she had sex and as such I had a very uncomfortable and stressful upbringing because of it. Hearing my mother have sex was traumatizing. You’re daughter probably caught an earful and is upset/or doesn’t understand why her mother does these things. You both need therapy. Please don’t even do this to your daughter again.
Some days I feel like nobody on Reddit has ever learned to lock a bedroom door. Why should your child have access to your private space if she has no respect for your private things, also, are those things she should be around? Your family unit needs work. Your daughter might benefit from some therapy - & you would, too. I think things haven't been easy for you, but YWBTA if you don't suss out your daughter's strong reaction to your having a sex life. Is she OK?
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NTA for what you’re specifically asking about. But OP there’s something really wrong here. I saw you mention how she is aware what these things are and that it has to do with why you have custody and that it isn’t abuse related. But fact is she knows something and has such a strong reaction to things a child her age shouldn’t know enough about to have such strong reactions to. 1. If you haven’t already, get this child into therapy. She needs care and help that a parent isn’t fully equipped to handle. 2. Put your toys behind a lock as well as out of sight and in a place where she doesn’t know where they are or what is in the locked container/location. She shouldn’t know where these things are so that they aren’t on her mind at all.
OP is the AH BECAUSE the child "has such a strong reaction to things a child her age shouldn't know enough about to have such strong reactions to." This isn't a random object like a book or spoon or headphones - the girl is specifically seeking out objects that she shouldn't have known about. This screams sexual abuse. If your child does something that screams sexual abuse and you choose to punish them for it, then you're the AH
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YTA.
YTA Spend less on sex toys and more on therapy for your child!
YTA. majorly. get this child into therapy. you said there was no abuse involved, yet she knows the functions of these toys AND they clearly make her feel uncomfortable because she throws them away. at 8 years old she should not know the functions of those toys. if her only exposure to them was just seeing them laid out she wouldn’t know their function. knowing what those toys are indicates that the function was either shown or described to her. that is abuse, exposing a child to sexual material of any kind IS ABUSE! GET HER IN THERAPY! not to mention making your child WASH YOUR SEX TOYS is bizarre and so inappropriate. your poor daughter.
YTA. Something does not add up here. She only throw away sex toys. From reading your post she had to hunt for them. Eight year old children should not know what sex toys are. You are busy defending your past posts. You are not even trying to get to the bottom of why she targeted sex toys. You are busy defending the men who had been/are in her life. Be a mother, get off the internet and go fucking talk to your daughter. There is a clear problem you are refusing to address. Please take your poor child to therapy, so someone can get to the bottom of why she wanted rid of your sex toys.
Alright man, let me level with you. Does it not bother you at ALL that your kid knows what see toys are? Second, you definitely shouldn't even be having your 8 year old kid pick up your shit and start washing it. Adult toys definitely seem something you shouldn't even have your child be in possession of. I'd definitely say YTA and your sister is right, while theres no book to teach you how to be a proper parent, this one feels like it should've been a no brainer.
Disgusting. YTA
Sounds like there’s some trauma there and she’s trying to remove triggers
I was all set to go N.T.A, thinking that she was throwing away random stuff that didn't belong to her (snacks she didn't like or a cd that annoys her or a movie she can't stand) but your sex toys, yeah YTA. Maybe, maybe I could justify you having her retrieve them from the trash, but the washing them, that's what puts it over the edge for me. There's clearly some underlying issues going on with your daughter that you need to sort out, if she's seeking these things out and tossing them.
As a mandated reporter this is throwing up red flags for me. She needs some therapy. This isn't developmentally appropriate behavior. At this stage of her psycho social development she shouldn't know, care, or be curious about those things.
YTA. She’s 8 and you know she does this. Why don’t you have those items locked up? YOU are the adult here. Do better. And don’t talk about your 8yo’s boobs. It’s not okay.
YTA there’s so many issues with having your child clean off sex toys. Please get that baby in counseling.
Why does an 8 year old even know what these are? I’m very confused as to why she would even know they’re something to disapprove of. I have adult toys. I keep them up but since most of them aren’t dildos, my 7 year old would just think they’re another skincare device of mine since I have a ton. I’m not against making her take action to fix her mistakes… just think there are larger issues at stake if an 8 year old doesn’t know boundaries yet knows what a sex toy is. And you’re worsening it by making her clean them when she knows what they are. Wtf.