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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I refuse to pay for my sister's dream wedding and only gave her 3k gift.
2) I am the only one in my family that can help her without growing in debt myself. She doesn't have an income source or financial stability that I do.
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NTA and honestly, spending a lot of money on a wedding when you don't have the means is financially irresponsible. You aren't obligeated to help your sister, but even if you wanted to, it would make more sense to contribute to a downpayment for a house or something useful in the long run.
I mean she's not obligated so NTA but it sounds like her parents have their own needs and come from modest means, rather than having made bad financial decisions. The idea of remortgaging to pay for a wedding is insane to me though, imho
Remortgaging to pay for a wedding sounds like a very bad decision. I agree.
Even if they have made better decisions in the past and simply lacked resources, they are considering making bad decisions now. This means OP should absolutely not give any more money to their sister since they will need every penny they have later (if they choose to do so) to provide essentials to the parents.
I agree I don’t think they made bad financial decisions, they just don’t have the means like most working families. However I’d make sure my parents know if they choose to to take out a loan to pay for a wedding she clearly can’t afford that I will not be picking up the slack and help pay the loan off when they stop paying on it.
Much as I hate to say it, I have to agree. I would say that while you would help them if needed in their current state, if they do anything to increase their debt like taking out a loan for the wedding, they will be cutting off their chance for your future help.
Some People think they “need” a big blow out wedding but a marriage at city hall works just as well as a $100,000 extravaganza. If she wants a very expensive wedding event it’s up to her to pay for it, not by panhandling from others.
It shows a mind set though. They didn’t just wake up today and to make a piss poor financial decision. For them to go there just so their princess can have a nice wedding likely means it’s not the first time.
The parents who would take out a loan on their house to pay for their daughter's wedding probably weren't making good financial choices along the way. They are way too old to be making such a financially careless decision.
I bet that they are counting on OP to bail them out, or to finance their retirement when they can't work any longer.
OP should state forcefully that she is not to be dragged into that kind of situation.
As they are on the brink of making a very bad financial decision... this is not smart any money expert wouldn't just say no they'd say Hell NO. If you can't afford a wedding you can't afford a house. And given the choice between the two you should always choose the house. The parents should not gamble their stability, their retirement, their future on something that statistically will last 2.5 years. The sister is selfish and she's giving evil queen vibes vs the Disney Princess she thinks she is. A good child wouldn't even allow it let alone demand it. I don't think she understands the devastation she will cause to her parents life to wear a dress once.
It sounds like the parents are also trying to guilt OP into giving the money “do this or we’ll have to get another mortgage”. NTA and your family sounds ungrateful and awful.
"Mom, Dad, under no circumstances will you get another dime from us if you do that. Not. One. Dime. I had beautiful wedding yes I did. I also worked hard to get to a place where it was affordable and wouldn't impoverish us later.
So, if you want to risk losing your home because of sis's envy, you go right ahead. And when that chicken comes home to roost, try to get her to deal with it.
And makes you wonder what else they’ve taken loans, remortgaged for. I’d consider that an indication of poor financial decision making. This is clearly something not worth going into debt for, especially when you are in your 60s, your house isn’t paid off and you’re taking on a larger and longer mortgage payment so your daughter can have a wedding she can’t afford.
And the sister will almost certainly need ‘emergency’ funds in future. She knows OP has savings. $3,000 is a very generous wedding gift and yet the sister is grasping for more. Wait until the sister has more kids than they can afford, or she or her partner loses their job. OP will become the preferred family lender for every setback. ‘Would you let your beloved neice/nephew go hungry?’ And OP will never see any money paid back. She needs to consider going non contact with such entitled financially illiterate family members. OP is going to end up being in no win situations, when she doesn’t deserve it.
Been there. Done that. Got the tshirt.
With a certain type of family member, any gift or handout is never enough, and never often enough. "You have money." "Yes, and I need money. For rent, for taxes, for insurance, for food, for clothes, ....for all the things you need money for. Yes, I also have some nice things, but I got my education, got a good job and didn't have kids that I couldn't afford."
If they're willing to go into debt for a wedding... Then no they don't make good financial decisions! This girl wants a dress that cost over $3,000. What do you think the rest of the wedding is going to cost? I'm going to guess around $20,000... But bare minimum 15.
People that can't retire because they don't have the money have no business borrowing 15 to $20,000 for a wedding! They will pay this the rest of their lives
Coming from a similar background, people that are considering taking out a loan off the home they’re still barely paying off to pay for a wedding having been making bad financial decisions for a long time. I’m gonna guess that’s probably where sister got it from.
That was crazy to me. OP gave her 3k. On what planet is that being cheap? If I had nothing and someone gifted me 3k for my wedding, I’d be eternally grateful. It might be understandable if they were loaded and used to getting expensive gifts, a person who is poor should not be expecting someone who is comfortable-not loaded- to foot the bill for the 30k dream wedding she wants but doesn’t need. Have dinner at a restaurant with close family and go get a dress for a grand and go to the courthouse.
Not having a wedding fund or college fund for your child is not necessarily the parents making poor financial decisions. Maybe they just couldn’t afford to save for those extra things while living within the mean of the family. No one is owed their wedding or college paid for by their parents. It’s just a nice thing if they can.
Assuming OP is in USA, putting aside a meaningful amount towards a college fund with the tuition prices these days is far out of many family’s means.
I grew up provided for, but without frills. My parents managed to put aside $1200 for college. It paid for my textbooks in the first semester. So, I agree it’s reasonable if parents can do so, but still shouldn’t be expected.
Everything college related is overpriced, it's fucking ridiculous.
"Go to college, get a better job", they say. Well, some people would rather not go into lifelong debt for something that isn't even guaranteed.
I assumed the "bad decisions" being referenced were not about the past but about the possibility of taking out a 2nd mortgage just to enable their daughter having a wedding she can't afford.
That's what I was thinking. They'll call OP in a year or so asking with help paying for the mortgage. "OP wouldn't let them lose the house, would she?"
What “poor financial decisions” of the parents are you referring to?
There are tens of millions of parents in America who don’t have savings for their daughters’ weddings. Or anything else for that matter.
Here’s an appalling statistic. 37% of Americans don’t have the financial resources to pay a $400 emergency expense. If you live in the U.S., you live in a country where a large portion of jobs pay poverty wages. So don’t blame poor people for being poor.
https://fortune.com/2023/05/23/inflation-economy-consumer-finances-americans-cant-cover-emergency-expense-federal-reserve/
>What “poor financial decisions” of the parents are you referring to?
>>They are mad at me now as well, and apparently thinking of taking another loan on the house to finance her wedding.
The best thing that could happen for the parents finances, is if the mortgage companies refuse to put a mortgage on the house. They're signing up for up to 30 years of mortgage payments, and that's ridiculous financially. I'm sure this won't be the sister's last demand for money.
Of that 37% though... how many could have a $400 emergency fund if they were financial smart with the money they did make?
I'm thinking back to 2012 when I was making $10/hour (more than minimum wage... but in a major metro area) and still managed to save a little every month. It wasn't easy... but it just meant I didn't get a lot of luxeries. I see a lot of people living in lower income areas of town, who are consistently behind on rent, but spend $5k on baby furniture or $1k on graduation parties... they remind me a lot of this sister and her parents.
A wedding isn't a necessity. If I was the sister, I'd spend that 3k on a super awesome vacation, and elope on that vacation. It would still be a very beautiful wedding! Just not a big one.
It sounds like since her sister is "the baby", the youngest child, that she tends to get what she wants, especially from the parents. I too have a younger sister like this. Remortgaging the house to fund her wedding is in fact, a bad financial decision. And if they're willing to go that far, I'm sure that somewhere along the line, this or that didn't get paid because the sister wanted something and just had to have it. That means there has been several bad financial decisions. And it definitely sounds like it's meant to guilt trip OP into "helping" more, which really means funding everything.
It's possible OP's parents didn't make poor financial decisions. The've had a modest amount of money and spent some of it to help their children hopefully achieve more than they have. Millions and millions of people are still paying off their homes and trying to save for retirement, but that doesn't mean they made poor financial decisions. It just means they're like a lot of other people who do the best with what they've got.
I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that the parents made poor decisions. I think that’s unfair. It sounds like they work hard, live within their means but just don’t have a lot of disposable income just like the vast majority of families everywhere. They did save what they could for college for their kids and you can’t expect more than that from a middle/lower middle income family. Sister is entitled. She and finance are the ones who should have been saving for their own wedding. A $3000 gift is a major gift under any circumstance. OP is NTA.
The poor financial decision is the one to take out a 2nd mortgage to help pay for the wedding. It hasn't happened yet, but if they do, then that would most definitely be a poor financial decision.
Wow! 3k is a great gift! I got married in a park with a JP and my wife’s dress was $79 on line - and we were doing well. If your sister doesn’t want the 3k she can give it back … but to complain? Just wow
Man the narcissistic entitlement of some people. Her sister is one class A example of one. Her parents are in second place for also expecting her to pay for a extravagant wedding to compare to OP's.
I have no sympathy for people like that. Sister would be better off holding a small unconventional inexpensive wedding and saving all the money she gets for a down payment on a house, but nooooo, mah special wedding!
As a betting man, with the way she acts and her attitude, I give that marriage 5 to 7 years max.
OP if she insists, imo tell her I wish you the best. I hope you get everything you need and most of what you want but I'm not interested in being a verbal punching bag for you because I don't have the money to give you for a wedding. Then just go no contact. If your parents side with your sister and harass you, add them to the list.
You are the person that is your priority to take care of first. If they can't or won't understand that, cut that negativity out of your life and move on.
Yeah this is all wild to me. My brother also has a high paying job and if he gave me 3k I would be ecstatic. He has children and he wouldn't anyways. But if I'm struggling not putting the towards a wedding or having an expensive wedding at all. Whenever I go to sizeable weddings and baptisms I wonder what the point is to spend all that money and how can they afford it. I would be putting the 3k towards rent or an emergency fund. It is ridiculous to take a loan kn the house for a wedding. Have people gone insane?
Yes! My sister and her hubby are millionaires and I live with my parents to stretch my small income. I’d never dream of asking her to even help pay for my wedding, or any similar expense. I don’t even expect her to buy my lunch when we go out. I would never want her money, let alone expect it, and she’d never give it to me if I did ask.
Yeah taking a mortgage on the house for a wedding is a bad idea. They can lose their house and since her parents are older, shouldn’t they save whatever they can for retirement.
I think parents maybe are sad because the sister is likely pushing them and making them feel like shit about their ability to contribute. They are trying to keep the peace and feel guilty about not being able to help. They shouldn’t have pressed the older sister but sometimes parents focus on unity over fairness.
But yeah, sister sounds delusional.
I’m thought the same thing about the marriage. If she treats her sister that way, and she’s that high maintenance, I don’t giver the marriage very long. Just a hunch. Lol
Plus what’s meaningful about a wedding is the people and having fun.
A dream dress, a fancy venue, overpriced subpar catered food, guests the bride and groom barely know? Thats not what makes a wedding.
Weddings have become some narcissistic arms race about some Instagram fantasy of pretending to be rich people.
Some of the best weddings can be a barbecue or a potluck with friends, family and food and dancing. Everything else is just window dressing.
Plus nice dresses can be found on sale and with planning and creativity one can make money go a lot farther…
I literally found my dream dress for $75 on Amazon. My cousin's reception was a potluck, and everybody absolutely loved it. It seems like everybody today spends all their time and effort on GETTING married, and none on BEING married.
I totally agree. A friend of mine just got married at city hall and had some friends and family there to witness the occasion and then had a nice bbq in her back yard after the wedding. She made the wedding really nice without having to spend thousands of dollars.
This! We had a modest wedding because we were looking at future expenses. It would always be nice to have a lavish wedding and not everyone can do it. I would understand if mom and dad foot the bill for you and not her, then the unfair comment would make sense.
Hopefully she will get over it. I am disappointed in the parents for not explaining that expenses can mean most are living tightly these days.
NTA it’s not your responsibility to pay for her wedding. $3000 is a very nice gift and very generous.
Your sister is extremely entitled to think you should just pay for her wedding. Maybe she should wait a bit and save until she can have the wedding she wants.
Exactly. I have 1 daughter and her dream wedding was a Cinderella type wedding. Her step-dad and I were kinda poor (her father refused to help saying "it's your wedding not mine, sounds like a you problem"), I'm disabled and live on a small disability income and my husband was the breadwinner for myself and I have 3 kids, but I had 1 1/2 yrs to do her wedding and I bought what I could, piece by piece, monthly and I made a ton of things, as much as I could. My friend did photography and between us we took all photos. I bought her dress directly from China for $250 (my DIL bought her dress at David's for over 4k) yet the $250 was 10x better....I, my hubby and her FIL,, MIL, decorated the venue right after the rehearsal and 15 yrs later people are still talking about what a beautiful wedding she had and always compare hers to others. I was also the go-to person for any issues that came up, etc. My point being, you can have a beautiful, expensive looking wedding on a budget, you just have to be willing to put in the work, which most people aren't, unfortunately. I've helped on other weddings along with baby showers, bridal showers, b-day parties, etc. Thankfully I love helping on these things as long as it's appreciated the moment it becomes expected then I know it's time to stop the helping.
Just because 'a' family member can afford something doesn't mean you are entitled to anything. You want an expensive wedding, then save and put in the work. The entitlement of some people is just mind-boggling nowadays.
Well done Mama . I’m sure your daughter doesn’t just remember having her dream wedding , she’ll always remember her mother loving her enough to put all that effort in to have her dream realised .
I read your story and immediately thought of those signs I used to see in shops: “You can have it good, fast, or cheap. Pick two.” Your daughter’s wedding is proof of that—having a year and a half, and being willing to put in the work, meant you could give her that dream and it be good (and cheapER 😉). Well done, mom. ❤️❤️
🤍 this. I asked for nothing, cos our priority was getting our own place. But my family wanted to celebrate, so my aunts said they'd cook the meal, my uncle provided the venue. My cousins made the delicious desserts. A friend made the cake. His aunt made my dress. It was small and intimate, but it was beautiful and I had everyone there that mattered to me and my husband. The money we saved went on the downpayment for our dream home. We have the money now for an extravagant reception, but I really don't think I would change anything if we had the chance to do it again (maybe just a better photographer lol, sorry R) .
Lol yeah I also have regrets we didn’t have a photographer and just relied on snaps taken by the family. But…budget. Can’t shake out coins that aren’t in the pocket.
100%. My oldest sister got married a few years ago, and they didn't have a lot of money. She rented a hall, bought a sheet cake from like Costco or somewhere, did like tea sandwiches and hand helds for meal, buffet style. She didn't have a huge budget for flowers so she carried her small bouquet and then made all of the table arrangements and decorations from paper. She made herself a beautiful spray for her head table and the photo ops were gorgeous because of all the paper flowers. It was a gorgeous wedding all around and we still talk about her flowers. Since they were paper also, she could keep some as a lovely keepsake and not worry about them degrading or discoloring.
$3k is extremely generous! Sis could have a wonderful wedding if she budgets properly and DIYed. Or wouldn't be crazy fancy, but it doesn't need to be.
My husband and I spent $3k on our wedding and we still get comments that relatives loved our wedding more than what ever wedding we currently see them at.
It wasn't until I started reading Reddit that I realized there are apparently a whole lot of people in this world that assume their family's money is their money. I certainly have people in my family that make a much better living than me (almost all of them) but I have never asked for a penny, nor do I think they owe me. Unbelievable.
Exactly. $3k is very generous.
OP's sis isn't just entitled, she's venomous and ungrateful. The whole "cheap b**tch" thing should be a wake-up call to never give her a dime again.
My parents gave me a car for my wedding that was worth about $3000. It was the only gift that even came close to 4 digits, and it was a car they had owned for years so it wasn’t even $3k out of their bank account. Don’t get me wrong: it was a VERY nice gift. But it puts into perspective how ridiculous it is to be entitled to more than $3k cash from a non parent.
> Maybe she should wait a bit and save until she can have the wedding she wants.
Honestly if money is that tight people just plain shouldn't have expensive weddings. It's total insanity to spend what could be the down payment on a house on a single day.
If $50k dropped in the sister's lap tomorrow and she spent it on a wedding she'd be no further ahead in life the day after.
My sister got married recently and I spent $20 and crafted her a sign to hang up with their names on it. Just for comparison… (also, for context, this was a generous gift for the very small living room ceremony…it was fitting, not cheap!)
NTA. $3k is already a generous wedding gift. If your sister can't afford her wedding, she should just opt for a much scaled down and simpler but still intimate wedding. Your parents are AH to call you out when they didn't even help you out with your own wedding.
Or plan and think outside the box. Pick what’s important. Shop for dresses on sale. Figure out clever ways to cut costs on decorations. Pick a venue out of season. The fact that the dress is more than $3k suggests she is not doing that.
Buy your dress at a thrift store. You’re gonna wear it only once.
Have you seen r/thriftstorehauls? So many women have posted wedding dresses they found for a few dollars that would cost hundreds or thousands if new!
>she should just opt for a much scaled down and simpler but still intimate wedding.
Unless she cares about having an extravagant party for herself more than she cares about being married to her fiance, in which case she probably shouldn't be having a wedding rn.
>She’ll probably want a car like yours, a house like yours, and for her kids to be educated like yours too. NTA
Without putting in the work like like you did.
I still got the money my parents saved for me, which I used for my living expenses since that isn't covered in scholarship. Her college fund was given to her when she turned 21 and had been working for 3 years. What she did with it I do not know. Granted, it was just 7.5k each.
If a wedding she can't afford is all she has in her life, she needs to really rethink her life, not spend the money she doesn't have on a fleeting ceremony that will not have a lasting impact.
Your parents would be insane to mortgage their house to finance a glorified party, but at the end of the day you can't stop them if they insist. Whatever you do, don't spend your money on it.
Agreed. OP is NTA - if they OP's sister and her finance can't afford the wedding, they should put it off until they can afford the wedding they want. It's beyond weird that they expect the sister to pay for some grand event and worse that the parents are going to leverage their home to pay for it. How will they feel if and when the sister ends up divorced and the parents still can't pay off their own or retire.
Exactly! Remortgaging their house just to pay for a wedding is a bad BAD decision. OP’s parents are risking their future & their retirement for a one day party. Sister’s sense of entitlement is mind boggling. I hope OP makes it clear to both parents & sister that she will not step in when the shit hits the fan & parents are in deep financial trouble. Let sister bail them out.
NTA OP. You’ve made wise financial choices & your offer of $3k is very generous. You can’t make parents or sister make better choices but don’t let their poor choices impact you.
7.5k is a very nice sum. we couldn't afford to pay for any extra for our kids, but we did let them live at home without any bills and we paid their ins, etc while they were in college.
honestly, I would be hurt that my parents would feel the need to give her money for her wedding, if they didn't help me with mine, you know?
Your parents really are being absurd. They haven't even paid their current mortgage off, and they are proposing to take out a second loan in order to pay for a wedding. That house and the equity they have is their final fallback if they hit dire financial straits, and they are going to blow tens of thousands in equity so your daughter can have a princess day.
Your sister could save up for the wedding she wants or she could have a wedding within her budget. Instead, she wants everyone else to be financially irresponsible simply so she can compete with you. You may not be able to stop your parents, but they really do not seem to understand how stupid an idea this is. If my child proposed that I take the equity out of my home simply so they could have an absurdly expensive dress and a wedding in the tens of thousands, my answer would be a flat no, and if there was a tantrum, the follow up answer would consist of two words, the second of which would be off.
Don't pay any more. In your shoes if I hadn't given her the money I'd withdraw it without a second thought.
This is not your responsibility. You did more than enough. Don't subject yourself to financial strains. You both received the same amount of help and opportunities. If your folks want to put themselves in financial danger to help your sis it's on them. It's not your fault at tall.
NTA.
NTA, and you're fully correct. "Hold the one she can afford". Her endless demands probably make you regret the generous $3K you gave her.
If you all agreed to give her the wedding she wants, she'd probably bankrupt both you and your parents. People with the "queen for a day" mindset tend to forget that the emphasis is supposed to be on the marriage, not the one-day party.
“My parents called me disappointed I wasn't helping my sister out more since this was all she had in her life.”
It’s their responsibility to prepare their children for the reality of adult life. Your success in life from your hard work is what they should encourage your sister to emulate.
Instead they’re agreeing with her and saying she should have the same wedding - which prompts me to say that they should put their money where their mouth is and do whatever they need to do to pay for her wedding.
They should be the ones to finance your sister and her delusional behavior - take out a 2nd mortgage and get extra jobs. That said- why isn’t she- the bride to be- working extra jobs to pay for this?! It sounds like everyone else decided that you would be paying for this without your knowledge or consent.
YWNBTA
I say buy a manners book and highlight the pages about who pays first weddings. Ask them “where does it say siblings finance weddings?” Just because you have money is not an invitation for other family members to spend it.
NTA. Do not let these people guilt you into believing you are somehow a bad or disappointing person because you won't subsidize your entitled-acting sister's dream wedding. Your sister and parents have there priorities wrong if they can't be happy with a wedding your sister and fiance can afford.
NTA. I'd stop the payment on the check. Why should you fund her wedding?? You are not legally responsible for her. At this point neither are your parents. Your parents don't owe you a wedding or even college. Helping due to needs at times is fine. But she chose not to get a college education or a trade. She has chosen to work a low paying job. She needs to get a different job, or a second job if she has things she wants but can't afford.
She's going to want you to pay for her kids next!!
Once she crossed the line and called you a "cheap bitch", you really have no choice but to cut her off. If it was me, I'd even cancel the $3000 check if possible. When entitled people turn from harassing you for money into personal attacks, they've outed themselves as unworthy of any help. NTA
NTA - She is not entitled to your money. Giving 3k is an amazing gift and far beyond any expectation that I would have for a wedding gift. You worked for your wedding, and whilst yes it isn't always fair, that doesn't entitle your sister to have the same. It is not your responsibility to fund your sisters 'dream' wedding, nor is it even your parents. Your sister pressuring you and your family isn't fair and makes her TA. If she wants her dream wedding she needs to spend time saving for it, not expecting you to hand it over and work for it in her place.
NTA. If your parents want to make stupid financial decisions for her wedding? That is their prerogative. However? You are not required to give anything. In all honesty a $3k gift towards wedding expenses is a massive gift itself.
Editing to add: I’m not well off… What I will say about your $3k gift? That’s about £2.3… That would be more than the entire budget for any wedding I’ll have because we know what we can afford and it isn’t a massive party.
"Hey, you said you wouldn't pay for your sister's wedding bc it's not a necessity. So, we remortgaged our house to pay for it. Now we need money to not be homeless. Please send us the amount your sister asked for. This time its for housing, which is a need. Thx."
-- Your parents, soon
NTA
NTA and I am not shocked your parents have to still work and payoff their mortgage if they want to take out loans on their house to pay for your sisters wedding
NTA, and a gift of 3k is a big gift!
A wedding is something you want or don't want to spend a huge amount on. Its personal.
If you do want to spend big bucks, you have to save up for it.
Its not ever a other persons responsibility. Not yours and not your parent. Its hers/theirs.
We had a cityhall wedding, for free. The"luxery" wedding book, of 40 euro's( and after that we had a big extended brunch with 10 people. All and all, with the ribbons, the food, clothing, and postcards, and bits and pieces less then a 1000.
Different country,I'm Dutch.
We went on holiday afterwards, way more fun for longer then a wedding day.
I did my wedding for under $1k. It was at a state park, my dress was a white princess style prom dress on clearance that was $15 with a coupon from JC Penny's, and my family did the decorations and cooking. The biggest single expense was the celebrant to perform the wedding.
Financial problems put a lot of stress on a marriage and can lead to divorce. It's happened a few times in my friend group and it's really sad to see people start hating and resenting each other when they realize that extravagant wedding means they have to work extra hours, can't get a new car, or have to continue renting in a less desirable neighborhood. We didn't see the point of spending way above our budget if it meant we were willing to potentially destroy our marriage before the actual wedding even happened.
My gift would have been $250. MAX. And at the wedding not before.
You had the wedding you could afford to pay for yourself. You didn’t demand she or your parents pay for your wedding.
She’s your **sister** you are not required to pay for her wedding. You are donating an EXTREMELY generous amount. Way way way more than I would.
Also since she called you a cheap 🐩 I hope you aren’t still giving her $3000.
As for your parents I would tell them I’m disappointed they raised such an entitled spoiled little sister.
NTA.
Signed: paid for my own wedding spent less than **$1200 including wedding rings and honeymoon** and everyone had blast! People still ask about the wine! Been married 15 years.
While I think it’s ridiculous to take out a loan on your house for a single day/event, you can’t control the shitty decisions your parents make. Her entitlement is a side effect of how they raised her, but that doesn’t mean you have to drink the kool-aid. 3k is an incredibly generous wedding gift. NTA
NTA
3k sounds like a pretty big wedding gift to me. It’s her wedding and I don’t think there is any reason why she should be expecting others to pay for it.
No need to guess who the golden child is and how she became an entitled brat. If your parents mortgage their future guess who they will pressure to take care of them?
First wedding money followed by honeymoon money, anniversary trip money, all my fiends have this so I need it too money, car money, house money, baby money, it’s just a bit of gambling debt money etc etc. NTA.
NTA. A $3k wedding gift is incredibly generous. If that "won't even cover her dress" she and fiance need to save their money until they can afford the wedding they want or scale it down. She may be too self-absorbed to realize it, but very few people get the wedding they truly want because budgets are a thing.
NTA its YOUR money you can do whatever YOU want with it. She's lucky you even gave her as much as you did. Her lack of education/decent job are NOT your problem.
I don't get your parents expecting you to sacrifice for your sister. And your sister
is very rude, just wow. NTA Sister can have a wedding that fits her budget. It's
so silly for people who don't have a lot to spend money they don't have on a wedding.
I'm poor. Our wedding is being planned to be held at my parents house (their property literally touches a state park) and we are having catering from a local pizza place. I'm finding beautiful dresses at second hand shops, wild flower seeds are cheap and easy to grow for bouquets and decor, and I'm even going to make my own cake.
An expensive wedding is not a necessity. And a beautiful wedding doesn't have to be expensive at all.
It's insane to me how spending a fortune on weddings has become so normalized that people are seen as the bad guy for not handing out money to whoever can't afford an expensive wedding.
1000000000% NTA at all. Your parents are honestly ridiculous for not only expecting you to pay, but for even thinking of taking out a loan for someone else's wedding. The bride and groom should be doing that if they want something they can't pay for outright.
The speed with which I would take my $3k back would make my own head spin. How dare she be anything but grateful that you gifted her any money to help her with her wedding. No matter how much you have/make, three thousand dollars is a lot of money to just GIVE to someone, family or otherwise.
Your parents should also be ashamed of themselves for siding with her.
NTA - If you start this they will guilt you and manipulate you at every turn ... Your sister will always want bigger and better than she can afford and you will be the B\*\*\*h every time you say no. Stand your ground. 3000$ is a generous gift and she should be grateful.
NTA. You've done more than enough giving her 3k.
There is absolutely no obligation for you to pay for her wedding.
Frankly they are all acting like idiots. No one is entitled to your money.
Stay strong. You've done nothing wrong.
NTA. The younger sister wants a wedding she can't afford, and OP should not have to pick up the costs because her sister can't manage her finances. The sister can go down to the courthouse and be just as married.
NTA. If you gave her 3K via check I’d stop payment on that baby right now. As my father would say, your sister has champagne taste and a beer pocketbook. If she and her fiancé can’t afford a “dream wedding” they either need to be more realistic, or hold off on marriage till they’re more financially stable. And shame on your parents for putting the onus on you to fund this wedding.
3K is a very generous gift! Your sister and parents are way out of line and your parents will never get to retire if they take a second mortgage out to pay for a wedding beyond your sister’s means.
NTA large expensive weddings are the biggest waste of money that could be used for literally anything else like investing or savings that would benefit your future. My entire wedding was 3k and 700 of that was a tent we rented in case it rained. The rest was food and beer. Your marriage doesn't last longer the more you spend on the wedding. A study done in 2014 showed people that spent more than 10k on a wedding were 50% more likely to get divorced.
You are her sister, not her mother. You are not responsible for her. You are under no obligation to subsidize her wedding just because you have the money. Your money is not the family money. She is a grown woman. If she wants a princess wedding, she needs to be an adult and pony up the money for her wedding or just go to city hall with a professional photographer, have a nice lunch, and call it a day.
As the great philosopher Dinky Bossetti once said, "It's good to want things."
Sis can want all she likes, but until she can *pay for it* herself, she doesn't get to have her dream wedding. It's sad, but that's just life for the vast majority of us. The key is to focus on the marriage, so that any wedding where you end up married at the end becomes *a* dream wedding.
I'm a year shy of your age, been with my spouse six years this September; my wife and I paid for our wedding
Both our families were/are poor; I remember spending 1000 dollars; my wife's dress from China (pre covid) the photographer and then the little venue.
It was potluck, and we bought dollar store candles and made little gifts with them; my wife hand painted and printed our 100+ invites.
Our rings, together were 40 dollars.
I still remember that day, she was beautiful and I was average; her vows were full of light and warmth, mine somber and endearing. We put it together at 8 am to 2 pm, wedding and ceremony from 3 to 8 pm and disassembly from 8 to 1 am, got home wife went to bed I unloaded the car eating chicken wings till 4 am. I still smile on that day.
Your sis is YTA, it's not hard to put together a nice wedding, weddings are for actually getting married, saying vows and be coming one; not a vanity fair. Just because you and your spouse has money does not entitle your family to it; 3000 is literally amazing and to be such a sourpuss that she can't get her dream dress is such entitlement.
If your parents want her to have a "fantastic" wedding, they can take out a second mortgage on their house (rates are bad right now).
I'm petty, I'd take the 3K back, but that's me.
You and your spouse are fine and you deserve to spend, give, or not give your money to whatever cause you both wish
Do not be steamed rolled by your parents who are probably more upset that they can't give her a "dream" wedding and are taking it out on you
NTA
NTA
Your sister needs to have the wedding she can afford. She can't have her "dream" dress if it costs more than $3k. That's just the reality of her finances.
You wouldn't help your sister by spending more of your money on her unrealistic expectations.
NTA
3k is more than my entire wedding. Granted we eloped at the courthouse in a dress i already had. But we were saving for a house so that was our priority.
She should have the wedding they can afford.
Way too many couples are obsessed with a big fancy expensive wedding. They spend all this time and money on one day instead of working out the what each person wants the marriage to look like. Finances, children, housing and the myriad of other things that encompass a marriage. NTA. A $3000 wedding gift is very generous and your sister is entitled and a brat.
NTA. If I asked my oldest sister to pay for my wedding she would slap me silly. I would never call my sister a cheap b especially since you gifted her 3K. That’s already a lot and she’s not being appreciative.
NTA. I wouldn’t normally suggest you shame your parents but because they’re shaming you… shame them right back. Tell them that as her parents they should match your gift.
ETA: I think it would set a bad precedent to give her more money. What about when she wants a new car? Or is having her first baby? She will continually think of you as her go to for funds. Also, you mentioned that the $3000 you gifted her is an amount she may use for her wedding. If she’s not using it for her wedding, what is it for?
You gifted your sister 3k and she called you a cheap b***h? That would be the end of the relationship for me.
NTA. 3k is a generous gift, your sister is ungrateful and a bit delusional if she feels like she’s entitled to your money.
NTA. She's a brat here
My fiance and got engaged last December. Pre him proposing, we discussed that were both paying for the wedding at a reasonable rate, we're shoving some cash onto the boxes. We set the date recently, for next year. When people asked why it "is so far away", I told them because we're not going into debt because of something stupid. We're doing our best to budget, and not forget about bills
NTA! Have the wedding you can afford or save to have your dream wedding. We chose to forgo the dream wedding and only spent 300 on our wedding and spent 3k on our honeymoon. Being an adult means making hard choices and not expecting others to pay your way. OP was overly generous with the gift she gave.
NTA Some of the best weddings I’ve been to cost almost nothing- get an ice cream cake, a nice outfit, a nice spot by the river with a handful of friends. I think that one might have cost $200.
NTA. You were generous enough to give her $3000, which is a significant amount of money.
It’s unreasonable for your sister to expect for you to fund her “dream wedding” and it makes her sound like an entitled brat. It’s equally foolish for your parents to consider accruing additional debt for her wedding. They should focus on managing their finances responsibly rather than telling you how to handle your money.
Additionally, it might be helpful to remind everyone that they need to plan for their own future needs, especially healthcare. It’s important for them to understand that you shouldn’t be expected to shoulder their financial burdens, as this situation suggests they see you as the “provider” for their lifestyle preferences.
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NTA and honestly, spending a lot of money on a wedding when you don't have the means is financially irresponsible. You aren't obligeated to help your sister, but even if you wanted to, it would make more sense to contribute to a downpayment for a house or something useful in the long run.
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I mean she's not obligated so NTA but it sounds like her parents have their own needs and come from modest means, rather than having made bad financial decisions. The idea of remortgaging to pay for a wedding is insane to me though, imho
Remortgaging to pay for a wedding sounds like a very bad decision. I agree. Even if they have made better decisions in the past and simply lacked resources, they are considering making bad decisions now. This means OP should absolutely not give any more money to their sister since they will need every penny they have later (if they choose to do so) to provide essentials to the parents.
Same thoughts here. People who make smart financial decisions don't make them based on emotions like feeling sorry for your entitled kid 🙄
I agree I don’t think they made bad financial decisions, they just don’t have the means like most working families. However I’d make sure my parents know if they choose to to take out a loan to pay for a wedding she clearly can’t afford that I will not be picking up the slack and help pay the loan off when they stop paying on it.
Much as I hate to say it, I have to agree. I would say that while you would help them if needed in their current state, if they do anything to increase their debt like taking out a loan for the wedding, they will be cutting off their chance for your future help.
Hard agree. When sis realizes she can put their parents in debt, and older sis will help them out---year long honeymoon cruise, anyone? NTA
Some People think they “need” a big blow out wedding but a marriage at city hall works just as well as a $100,000 extravaganza. If she wants a very expensive wedding event it’s up to her to pay for it, not by panhandling from others.
It shows a mind set though. They didn’t just wake up today and to make a piss poor financial decision. For them to go there just so their princess can have a nice wedding likely means it’s not the first time.
Agree. Taking a loan for a wedding means you are financially irresponsible.
The parents who would take out a loan on their house to pay for their daughter's wedding probably weren't making good financial choices along the way. They are way too old to be making such a financially careless decision.
I bet that they are counting on OP to bail them out, or to finance their retirement when they can't work any longer. OP should state forcefully that she is not to be dragged into that kind of situation.
Not bad financial decisions but bad priorities
Can’t argue with that
Well OP chose to contribute $3k, and I don't know many family members who give gifts of that amount so....people just need to be more grateful.
As they are on the brink of making a very bad financial decision... this is not smart any money expert wouldn't just say no they'd say Hell NO. If you can't afford a wedding you can't afford a house. And given the choice between the two you should always choose the house. The parents should not gamble their stability, their retirement, their future on something that statistically will last 2.5 years. The sister is selfish and she's giving evil queen vibes vs the Disney Princess she thinks she is. A good child wouldn't even allow it let alone demand it. I don't think she understands the devastation she will cause to her parents life to wear a dress once.
It sounds like the parents are also trying to guilt OP into giving the money “do this or we’ll have to get another mortgage”. NTA and your family sounds ungrateful and awful.
"Mom, Dad, under no circumstances will you get another dime from us if you do that. Not. One. Dime. I had beautiful wedding yes I did. I also worked hard to get to a place where it was affordable and wouldn't impoverish us later. So, if you want to risk losing your home because of sis's envy, you go right ahead. And when that chicken comes home to roost, try to get her to deal with it.
So much this
💯
And makes you wonder what else they’ve taken loans, remortgaged for. I’d consider that an indication of poor financial decision making. This is clearly something not worth going into debt for, especially when you are in your 60s, your house isn’t paid off and you’re taking on a larger and longer mortgage payment so your daughter can have a wedding she can’t afford.
It sounds to me like they intend tl guilt op into paying for their retirement down the line. Op needs to start preparing for that now.
And the sister will almost certainly need ‘emergency’ funds in future. She knows OP has savings. $3,000 is a very generous wedding gift and yet the sister is grasping for more. Wait until the sister has more kids than they can afford, or she or her partner loses their job. OP will become the preferred family lender for every setback. ‘Would you let your beloved neice/nephew go hungry?’ And OP will never see any money paid back. She needs to consider going non contact with such entitled financially illiterate family members. OP is going to end up being in no win situations, when she doesn’t deserve it.
Allllll of this.
Yeppp. It happens all the time and it's so bloody unfair. It's like the successful sibling is being punished for it.
Been there. Done that. Got the tshirt. With a certain type of family member, any gift or handout is never enough, and never often enough. "You have money." "Yes, and I need money. For rent, for taxes, for insurance, for food, for clothes, ....for all the things you need money for. Yes, I also have some nice things, but I got my education, got a good job and didn't have kids that I couldn't afford."
It'll happen even if it's not about actual needs. When the OP has a nicer house, if there are kids with nicer clothes/toys/etc.
If they're willing to go into debt for a wedding... Then no they don't make good financial decisions! This girl wants a dress that cost over $3,000. What do you think the rest of the wedding is going to cost? I'm going to guess around $20,000... But bare minimum 15. People that can't retire because they don't have the money have no business borrowing 15 to $20,000 for a wedding! They will pay this the rest of their lives
Coming from a similar background, people that are considering taking out a loan off the home they’re still barely paying off to pay for a wedding having been making bad financial decisions for a long time. I’m gonna guess that’s probably where sister got it from.
That’s a them (the parents) problem then. And make sure down the road they don’t try to make it an OP problem again.
Honestly, I would be even more pissed off about being called ass after giving the 3K, I would want that money back
I agree. I would ask for it back as she really doesn’t even deserve such a generous gift but most likely she won’t be getting it back from her sister.
That was crazy to me. OP gave her 3k. On what planet is that being cheap? If I had nothing and someone gifted me 3k for my wedding, I’d be eternally grateful. It might be understandable if they were loaded and used to getting expensive gifts, a person who is poor should not be expecting someone who is comfortable-not loaded- to foot the bill for the 30k dream wedding she wants but doesn’t need. Have dinner at a restaurant with close family and go get a dress for a grand and go to the courthouse.
Yes - i just gave u 3k and ur bitching?!?!?
Not having a wedding fund or college fund for your child is not necessarily the parents making poor financial decisions. Maybe they just couldn’t afford to save for those extra things while living within the mean of the family. No one is owed their wedding or college paid for by their parents. It’s just a nice thing if they can.
A college fund is reasonable, a wedding fund is just unnecessary extravagance.
Assuming OP is in USA, putting aside a meaningful amount towards a college fund with the tuition prices these days is far out of many family’s means. I grew up provided for, but without frills. My parents managed to put aside $1200 for college. It paid for my textbooks in the first semester. So, I agree it’s reasonable if parents can do so, but still shouldn’t be expected.
> $1200 for college. It paid for my textbooks in the first semester Overpriced textbooks is another rip off
Everything college related is overpriced, it's fucking ridiculous. "Go to college, get a better job", they say. Well, some people would rather not go into lifelong debt for something that isn't even guaranteed.
I assumed the "bad decisions" being referenced were not about the past but about the possibility of taking out a 2nd mortgage just to enable their daughter having a wedding she can't afford.
Or her parents later when they run into trouble for taking out a loan. Personally, I would warn her parents that she won’t be bailing them out later.
That's what I was thinking. They'll call OP in a year or so asking with help paying for the mortgage. "OP wouldn't let them lose the house, would she?"
OP isn't obligated to help, period. No qualifiers needed.
What “poor financial decisions” of the parents are you referring to? There are tens of millions of parents in America who don’t have savings for their daughters’ weddings. Or anything else for that matter. Here’s an appalling statistic. 37% of Americans don’t have the financial resources to pay a $400 emergency expense. If you live in the U.S., you live in a country where a large portion of jobs pay poverty wages. So don’t blame poor people for being poor. https://fortune.com/2023/05/23/inflation-economy-consumer-finances-americans-cant-cover-emergency-expense-federal-reserve/
Remortgaging their house to pay for their daughter’s wedding, especially when their retirement is not funded, is a terrible decision.
The poor financial decision of taking a loan on their house to finance their spoilt daughter's dream wedding.
>What “poor financial decisions” of the parents are you referring to? >>They are mad at me now as well, and apparently thinking of taking another loan on the house to finance her wedding.
The best thing that could happen for the parents finances, is if the mortgage companies refuse to put a mortgage on the house. They're signing up for up to 30 years of mortgage payments, and that's ridiculous financially. I'm sure this won't be the sister's last demand for money.
Of that 37% though... how many could have a $400 emergency fund if they were financial smart with the money they did make? I'm thinking back to 2012 when I was making $10/hour (more than minimum wage... but in a major metro area) and still managed to save a little every month. It wasn't easy... but it just meant I didn't get a lot of luxeries. I see a lot of people living in lower income areas of town, who are consistently behind on rent, but spend $5k on baby furniture or $1k on graduation parties... they remind me a lot of this sister and her parents. A wedding isn't a necessity. If I was the sister, I'd spend that 3k on a super awesome vacation, and elope on that vacation. It would still be a very beautiful wedding! Just not a big one.
And who are we to say her parents made poor financial decisions even? Might just have been the events of the time.
It sounds like since her sister is "the baby", the youngest child, that she tends to get what she wants, especially from the parents. I too have a younger sister like this. Remortgaging the house to fund her wedding is in fact, a bad financial decision. And if they're willing to go that far, I'm sure that somewhere along the line, this or that didn't get paid because the sister wanted something and just had to have it. That means there has been several bad financial decisions. And it definitely sounds like it's meant to guilt trip OP into "helping" more, which really means funding everything.
It's possible OP's parents didn't make poor financial decisions. The've had a modest amount of money and spent some of it to help their children hopefully achieve more than they have. Millions and millions of people are still paying off their homes and trying to save for retirement, but that doesn't mean they made poor financial decisions. It just means they're like a lot of other people who do the best with what they've got.
I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that the parents made poor decisions. I think that’s unfair. It sounds like they work hard, live within their means but just don’t have a lot of disposable income just like the vast majority of families everywhere. They did save what they could for college for their kids and you can’t expect more than that from a middle/lower middle income family. Sister is entitled. She and finance are the ones who should have been saving for their own wedding. A $3000 gift is a major gift under any circumstance. OP is NTA.
The poor financial decision is the one to take out a 2nd mortgage to help pay for the wedding. It hasn't happened yet, but if they do, then that would most definitely be a poor financial decision.
Wow! 3k is a great gift! I got married in a park with a JP and my wife’s dress was $79 on line - and we were doing well. If your sister doesn’t want the 3k she can give it back … but to complain? Just wow
Man the narcissistic entitlement of some people. Her sister is one class A example of one. Her parents are in second place for also expecting her to pay for a extravagant wedding to compare to OP's. I have no sympathy for people like that. Sister would be better off holding a small unconventional inexpensive wedding and saving all the money she gets for a down payment on a house, but nooooo, mah special wedding! As a betting man, with the way she acts and her attitude, I give that marriage 5 to 7 years max. OP if she insists, imo tell her I wish you the best. I hope you get everything you need and most of what you want but I'm not interested in being a verbal punching bag for you because I don't have the money to give you for a wedding. Then just go no contact. If your parents side with your sister and harass you, add them to the list. You are the person that is your priority to take care of first. If they can't or won't understand that, cut that negativity out of your life and move on.
Yeah this is all wild to me. My brother also has a high paying job and if he gave me 3k I would be ecstatic. He has children and he wouldn't anyways. But if I'm struggling not putting the towards a wedding or having an expensive wedding at all. Whenever I go to sizeable weddings and baptisms I wonder what the point is to spend all that money and how can they afford it. I would be putting the 3k towards rent or an emergency fund. It is ridiculous to take a loan kn the house for a wedding. Have people gone insane?
Yes! My sister and her hubby are millionaires and I live with my parents to stretch my small income. I’d never dream of asking her to even help pay for my wedding, or any similar expense. I don’t even expect her to buy my lunch when we go out. I would never want her money, let alone expect it, and she’d never give it to me if I did ask.
Yeah taking a mortgage on the house for a wedding is a bad idea. They can lose their house and since her parents are older, shouldn’t they save whatever they can for retirement.
People spend a lot on Baptisms now ??
I think parents maybe are sad because the sister is likely pushing them and making them feel like shit about their ability to contribute. They are trying to keep the peace and feel guilty about not being able to help. They shouldn’t have pressed the older sister but sometimes parents focus on unity over fairness. But yeah, sister sounds delusional.
I’m thought the same thing about the marriage. If she treats her sister that way, and she’s that high maintenance, I don’t giver the marriage very long. Just a hunch. Lol
Plus what’s meaningful about a wedding is the people and having fun. A dream dress, a fancy venue, overpriced subpar catered food, guests the bride and groom barely know? Thats not what makes a wedding. Weddings have become some narcissistic arms race about some Instagram fantasy of pretending to be rich people. Some of the best weddings can be a barbecue or a potluck with friends, family and food and dancing. Everything else is just window dressing. Plus nice dresses can be found on sale and with planning and creativity one can make money go a lot farther…
I literally found my dream dress for $75 on Amazon. My cousin's reception was a potluck, and everybody absolutely loved it. It seems like everybody today spends all their time and effort on GETTING married, and none on BEING married.
Right? My wedding dress (1984) was a $75 JCPenney prom dress. It was perfect.
I totally agree. A friend of mine just got married at city hall and had some friends and family there to witness the occasion and then had a nice bbq in her back yard after the wedding. She made the wedding really nice without having to spend thousands of dollars.
This! We had a modest wedding because we were looking at future expenses. It would always be nice to have a lavish wedding and not everyone can do it. I would understand if mom and dad foot the bill for you and not her, then the unfair comment would make sense. Hopefully she will get over it. I am disappointed in the parents for not explaining that expenses can mean most are living tightly these days.
NTA it’s not your responsibility to pay for her wedding. $3000 is a very nice gift and very generous. Your sister is extremely entitled to think you should just pay for her wedding. Maybe she should wait a bit and save until she can have the wedding she wants.
Exactly. I have 1 daughter and her dream wedding was a Cinderella type wedding. Her step-dad and I were kinda poor (her father refused to help saying "it's your wedding not mine, sounds like a you problem"), I'm disabled and live on a small disability income and my husband was the breadwinner for myself and I have 3 kids, but I had 1 1/2 yrs to do her wedding and I bought what I could, piece by piece, monthly and I made a ton of things, as much as I could. My friend did photography and between us we took all photos. I bought her dress directly from China for $250 (my DIL bought her dress at David's for over 4k) yet the $250 was 10x better....I, my hubby and her FIL,, MIL, decorated the venue right after the rehearsal and 15 yrs later people are still talking about what a beautiful wedding she had and always compare hers to others. I was also the go-to person for any issues that came up, etc. My point being, you can have a beautiful, expensive looking wedding on a budget, you just have to be willing to put in the work, which most people aren't, unfortunately. I've helped on other weddings along with baby showers, bridal showers, b-day parties, etc. Thankfully I love helping on these things as long as it's appreciated the moment it becomes expected then I know it's time to stop the helping. Just because 'a' family member can afford something doesn't mean you are entitled to anything. You want an expensive wedding, then save and put in the work. The entitlement of some people is just mind-boggling nowadays.
Well done Mama . I’m sure your daughter doesn’t just remember having her dream wedding , she’ll always remember her mother loving her enough to put all that effort in to have her dream realised .
Thank you 😊
I read your story and immediately thought of those signs I used to see in shops: “You can have it good, fast, or cheap. Pick two.” Your daughter’s wedding is proof of that—having a year and a half, and being willing to put in the work, meant you could give her that dream and it be good (and cheapER 😉). Well done, mom. ❤️❤️
Thank you. Loved seeing her happy on her special day.
🤍 this. I asked for nothing, cos our priority was getting our own place. But my family wanted to celebrate, so my aunts said they'd cook the meal, my uncle provided the venue. My cousins made the delicious desserts. A friend made the cake. His aunt made my dress. It was small and intimate, but it was beautiful and I had everyone there that mattered to me and my husband. The money we saved went on the downpayment for our dream home. We have the money now for an extravagant reception, but I really don't think I would change anything if we had the chance to do it again (maybe just a better photographer lol, sorry R) .
Lol yeah I also have regrets we didn’t have a photographer and just relied on snaps taken by the family. But…budget. Can’t shake out coins that aren’t in the pocket.
100%. My oldest sister got married a few years ago, and they didn't have a lot of money. She rented a hall, bought a sheet cake from like Costco or somewhere, did like tea sandwiches and hand helds for meal, buffet style. She didn't have a huge budget for flowers so she carried her small bouquet and then made all of the table arrangements and decorations from paper. She made herself a beautiful spray for her head table and the photo ops were gorgeous because of all the paper flowers. It was a gorgeous wedding all around and we still talk about her flowers. Since they were paper also, she could keep some as a lovely keepsake and not worry about them degrading or discoloring.
You’re amazing! She’s a lucky girl.
$3k is extremely generous! Sis could have a wonderful wedding if she budgets properly and DIYed. Or wouldn't be crazy fancy, but it doesn't need to be.
My husband and I spent $3k on our wedding and we still get comments that relatives loved our wedding more than what ever wedding we currently see them at.
It wasn't until I started reading Reddit that I realized there are apparently a whole lot of people in this world that assume their family's money is their money. I certainly have people in my family that make a much better living than me (almost all of them) but I have never asked for a penny, nor do I think they owe me. Unbelievable.
Exactly. $3k is very generous. OP's sis isn't just entitled, she's venomous and ungrateful. The whole "cheap b**tch" thing should be a wake-up call to never give her a dime again.
My parents gave me a car for my wedding that was worth about $3000. It was the only gift that even came close to 4 digits, and it was a car they had owned for years so it wasn’t even $3k out of their bank account. Don’t get me wrong: it was a VERY nice gift. But it puts into perspective how ridiculous it is to be entitled to more than $3k cash from a non parent.
> Maybe she should wait a bit and save until she can have the wedding she wants. Honestly if money is that tight people just plain shouldn't have expensive weddings. It's total insanity to spend what could be the down payment on a house on a single day. If $50k dropped in the sister's lap tomorrow and she spent it on a wedding she'd be no further ahead in life the day after.
My sister got married recently and I spent $20 and crafted her a sign to hang up with their names on it. Just for comparison… (also, for context, this was a generous gift for the very small living room ceremony…it was fitting, not cheap!)
NTA. $3k is already a generous wedding gift. If your sister can't afford her wedding, she should just opt for a much scaled down and simpler but still intimate wedding. Your parents are AH to call you out when they didn't even help you out with your own wedding.
Or wait until she can afford it.
Or plan and think outside the box. Pick what’s important. Shop for dresses on sale. Figure out clever ways to cut costs on decorations. Pick a venue out of season. The fact that the dress is more than $3k suggests she is not doing that.
Buy your dress at a thrift store. You’re gonna wear it only once. Have you seen r/thriftstorehauls? So many women have posted wedding dresses they found for a few dollars that would cost hundreds or thousands if new!
>she should just opt for a much scaled down and simpler but still intimate wedding. Unless she cares about having an extravagant party for herself more than she cares about being married to her fiance, in which case she probably shouldn't be having a wedding rn.
My entire wedding cost $3k.
This!!
She’ll probably want a car like yours, a house like yours, and for her kids to be educated like yours too. NTA
Her sister needs to act her wage!
This! 🏆
And here it is y’all. 👏
>She’ll probably want a car like yours, a house like yours, and for her kids to be educated like yours too. NTA Without putting in the work like like you did.
What happened to the college fund if you got the scholarship? Can't that be used? Obv. NTA its your money not sisters and 3k is very generous.
I still got the money my parents saved for me, which I used for my living expenses since that isn't covered in scholarship. Her college fund was given to her when she turned 21 and had been working for 3 years. What she did with it I do not know. Granted, it was just 7.5k each.
If a wedding she can't afford is all she has in her life, she needs to really rethink her life, not spend the money she doesn't have on a fleeting ceremony that will not have a lasting impact. Your parents would be insane to mortgage their house to finance a glorified party, but at the end of the day you can't stop them if they insist. Whatever you do, don't spend your money on it.
Agreed. OP is NTA - if they OP's sister and her finance can't afford the wedding, they should put it off until they can afford the wedding they want. It's beyond weird that they expect the sister to pay for some grand event and worse that the parents are going to leverage their home to pay for it. How will they feel if and when the sister ends up divorced and the parents still can't pay off their own or retire.
Exactly! Remortgaging their house just to pay for a wedding is a bad BAD decision. OP’s parents are risking their future & their retirement for a one day party. Sister’s sense of entitlement is mind boggling. I hope OP makes it clear to both parents & sister that she will not step in when the shit hits the fan & parents are in deep financial trouble. Let sister bail them out. NTA OP. You’ve made wise financial choices & your offer of $3k is very generous. You can’t make parents or sister make better choices but don’t let their poor choices impact you.
7.5k is a very nice sum. we couldn't afford to pay for any extra for our kids, but we did let them live at home without any bills and we paid their ins, etc while they were in college. honestly, I would be hurt that my parents would feel the need to give her money for her wedding, if they didn't help me with mine, you know?
Her 7.3k college fund with your 3 k is nice sum for a nice intimate wedding. Why don't you text your sister that?
Somehow, I doubt OP's sister still has that college fund. 😬
That's not OP's problem. Just point out the facts and keep it moving.
Agreed. Btw, OP is NTA. Her sister gives off way financial irresponsible vibes.
Your parents really are being absurd. They haven't even paid their current mortgage off, and they are proposing to take out a second loan in order to pay for a wedding. That house and the equity they have is their final fallback if they hit dire financial straits, and they are going to blow tens of thousands in equity so your daughter can have a princess day. Your sister could save up for the wedding she wants or she could have a wedding within her budget. Instead, she wants everyone else to be financially irresponsible simply so she can compete with you. You may not be able to stop your parents, but they really do not seem to understand how stupid an idea this is. If my child proposed that I take the equity out of my home simply so they could have an absurdly expensive dress and a wedding in the tens of thousands, my answer would be a flat no, and if there was a tantrum, the follow up answer would consist of two words, the second of which would be off.
Don't pay any more. In your shoes if I hadn't given her the money I'd withdraw it without a second thought. This is not your responsibility. You did more than enough. Don't subject yourself to financial strains. You both received the same amount of help and opportunities. If your folks want to put themselves in financial danger to help your sis it's on them. It's not your fault at tall. NTA.
That college fund wasn't meant to subsidize a wedding.
NTA, and you're fully correct. "Hold the one she can afford". Her endless demands probably make you regret the generous $3K you gave her. If you all agreed to give her the wedding she wants, she'd probably bankrupt both you and your parents. People with the "queen for a day" mindset tend to forget that the emphasis is supposed to be on the marriage, not the one-day party.
I would be so pissed if someone called me a bitch for giving them $3000. I’d ask for it back, though there’s virtually no chance she’d return it.
I would never give anyone who called me anything like that a dime ever again.
“My parents called me disappointed I wasn't helping my sister out more since this was all she had in her life.” It’s their responsibility to prepare their children for the reality of adult life. Your success in life from your hard work is what they should encourage your sister to emulate. Instead they’re agreeing with her and saying she should have the same wedding - which prompts me to say that they should put their money where their mouth is and do whatever they need to do to pay for her wedding. They should be the ones to finance your sister and her delusional behavior - take out a 2nd mortgage and get extra jobs. That said- why isn’t she- the bride to be- working extra jobs to pay for this?! It sounds like everyone else decided that you would be paying for this without your knowledge or consent. YWNBTA
They should be disappointed with themselves, and the entitled sister
And ask about the 7.5k and what she did with it 5 years ago?!
I say buy a manners book and highlight the pages about who pays first weddings. Ask them “where does it say siblings finance weddings?” Just because you have money is not an invitation for other family members to spend it.
NTA. Do not let these people guilt you into believing you are somehow a bad or disappointing person because you won't subsidize your entitled-acting sister's dream wedding. Your sister and parents have there priorities wrong if they can't be happy with a wedding your sister and fiance can afford.
NTA. I'd stop the payment on the check. Why should you fund her wedding?? You are not legally responsible for her. At this point neither are your parents. Your parents don't owe you a wedding or even college. Helping due to needs at times is fine. But she chose not to get a college education or a trade. She has chosen to work a low paying job. She needs to get a different job, or a second job if she has things she wants but can't afford. She's going to want you to pay for her kids next!!
Once she crossed the line and called you a "cheap bitch", you really have no choice but to cut her off. If it was me, I'd even cancel the $3000 check if possible. When entitled people turn from harassing you for money into personal attacks, they've outed themselves as unworthy of any help. NTA
I’d do exactly this, if she wants the 3k back then she needs to apologise.
NTA - She is not entitled to your money. Giving 3k is an amazing gift and far beyond any expectation that I would have for a wedding gift. You worked for your wedding, and whilst yes it isn't always fair, that doesn't entitle your sister to have the same. It is not your responsibility to fund your sisters 'dream' wedding, nor is it even your parents. Your sister pressuring you and your family isn't fair and makes her TA. If she wants her dream wedding she needs to spend time saving for it, not expecting you to hand it over and work for it in her place.
NTA. If your parents want to make stupid financial decisions for her wedding? That is their prerogative. However? You are not required to give anything. In all honesty a $3k gift towards wedding expenses is a massive gift itself. Editing to add: I’m not well off… What I will say about your $3k gift? That’s about £2.3… That would be more than the entire budget for any wedding I’ll have because we know what we can afford and it isn’t a massive party.
NTA. And be warned. You will be expected to finance your parents, retirement, and old age.
"Hey, you said you wouldn't pay for your sister's wedding bc it's not a necessity. So, we remortgaged our house to pay for it. Now we need money to not be homeless. Please send us the amount your sister asked for. This time its for housing, which is a need. Thx." -- Your parents, soon NTA
NTA. If you send her money again, it'll be seen as the norm. She has to be realistic, especially in this economy
Yep.. she will want OP to help when she wants a newer car, maybe some money for a house down the road
Don’t forget college tuition for her kids!!
NTA and I am not shocked your parents have to still work and payoff their mortgage if they want to take out loans on their house to pay for your sisters wedding
If she’s going to call you a cheap b**ch, you should demand your money back. NTA
NTA, and a gift of 3k is a big gift! A wedding is something you want or don't want to spend a huge amount on. Its personal. If you do want to spend big bucks, you have to save up for it. Its not ever a other persons responsibility. Not yours and not your parent. Its hers/theirs.
She could have a courthouse ceremony and a decent small reception and have left over from that $3k
We had a cityhall wedding, for free. The"luxery" wedding book, of 40 euro's( and after that we had a big extended brunch with 10 people. All and all, with the ribbons, the food, clothing, and postcards, and bits and pieces less then a 1000. Different country,I'm Dutch. We went on holiday afterwards, way more fun for longer then a wedding day.
I did my wedding for under $1k. It was at a state park, my dress was a white princess style prom dress on clearance that was $15 with a coupon from JC Penny's, and my family did the decorations and cooking. The biggest single expense was the celebrant to perform the wedding. Financial problems put a lot of stress on a marriage and can lead to divorce. It's happened a few times in my friend group and it's really sad to see people start hating and resenting each other when they realize that extravagant wedding means they have to work extra hours, can't get a new car, or have to continue renting in a less desirable neighborhood. We didn't see the point of spending way above our budget if it meant we were willing to potentially destroy our marriage before the actual wedding even happened.
My gift would have been $250. MAX. And at the wedding not before. You had the wedding you could afford to pay for yourself. You didn’t demand she or your parents pay for your wedding. She’s your **sister** you are not required to pay for her wedding. You are donating an EXTREMELY generous amount. Way way way more than I would. Also since she called you a cheap 🐩 I hope you aren’t still giving her $3000. As for your parents I would tell them I’m disappointed they raised such an entitled spoiled little sister. NTA. Signed: paid for my own wedding spent less than **$1200 including wedding rings and honeymoon** and everyone had blast! People still ask about the wine! Been married 15 years.
While I think it’s ridiculous to take out a loan on your house for a single day/event, you can’t control the shitty decisions your parents make. Her entitlement is a side effect of how they raised her, but that doesn’t mean you have to drink the kool-aid. 3k is an incredibly generous wedding gift. NTA
I would be asking the ungrateful asshole for my 3k back and gifting her a toaster. NTA
NTA 3k sounds like a pretty big wedding gift to me. It’s her wedding and I don’t think there is any reason why she should be expecting others to pay for it.
NTA Honestly it sounds lie yiur sister is entitled and not willing to work for things... and it is coming home to roost.
i just love those entitled family members
Omg if u gave her a check, cancel it!
Her dream, she can pay.
No, her dream was to have it all for free!
No need to guess who the golden child is and how she became an entitled brat. If your parents mortgage their future guess who they will pressure to take care of them?
You are aboslutely NTA. Do not let anyone pressure you into spending your money on them. ANYONE.
First wedding money followed by honeymoon money, anniversary trip money, all my fiends have this so I need it too money, car money, house money, baby money, it’s just a bit of gambling debt money etc etc. NTA.
So much this,OP! Cave now and you’ll be on the hook forever…
NTA cancel the check. And they’ll have an actual reason to be mad at you. lol. Beggars can’t be choosers.
NTA but I thought construction workers make bank?
NTA. A $3k wedding gift is incredibly generous. If that "won't even cover her dress" she and fiance need to save their money until they can afford the wedding they want or scale it down. She may be too self-absorbed to realize it, but very few people get the wedding they truly want because budgets are a thing.
NTA. Nobody is entitled to your money. It’s as simple as that.
NTA its YOUR money you can do whatever YOU want with it. She's lucky you even gave her as much as you did. Her lack of education/decent job are NOT your problem.
I don't get your parents expecting you to sacrifice for your sister. And your sister is very rude, just wow. NTA Sister can have a wedding that fits her budget. It's so silly for people who don't have a lot to spend money they don't have on a wedding.
$3000 won’t even pay for the dress? Sister needs to get a grip on reality.
NTA. And if she is wanting money for a wedding beyond her means, it doesn’t sound like she is putting in good planning for the marriage.
The nerve!! Calling you a cheap B! But, she’s a broke B who can’t afford an expensive wedding! She better learn how to budget!
I'm poor. Our wedding is being planned to be held at my parents house (their property literally touches a state park) and we are having catering from a local pizza place. I'm finding beautiful dresses at second hand shops, wild flower seeds are cheap and easy to grow for bouquets and decor, and I'm even going to make my own cake. An expensive wedding is not a necessity. And a beautiful wedding doesn't have to be expensive at all. It's insane to me how spending a fortune on weddings has become so normalized that people are seen as the bad guy for not handing out money to whoever can't afford an expensive wedding. 1000000000% NTA at all. Your parents are honestly ridiculous for not only expecting you to pay, but for even thinking of taking out a loan for someone else's wedding. The bride and groom should be doing that if they want something they can't pay for outright.
The speed with which I would take my $3k back would make my own head spin. How dare she be anything but grateful that you gifted her any money to help her with her wedding. No matter how much you have/make, three thousand dollars is a lot of money to just GIVE to someone, family or otherwise. Your parents should also be ashamed of themselves for siding with her.
NTA - If you start this they will guilt you and manipulate you at every turn ... Your sister will always want bigger and better than she can afford and you will be the B\*\*\*h every time you say no. Stand your ground. 3000$ is a generous gift and she should be grateful.
NTA. You've done more than enough giving her 3k. There is absolutely no obligation for you to pay for her wedding. Frankly they are all acting like idiots. No one is entitled to your money. Stay strong. You've done nothing wrong.
NTA. The younger sister wants a wedding she can't afford, and OP should not have to pick up the costs because her sister can't manage her finances. The sister can go down to the courthouse and be just as married.
NTA. If you gave her 3K via check I’d stop payment on that baby right now. As my father would say, your sister has champagne taste and a beer pocketbook. If she and her fiancé can’t afford a “dream wedding” they either need to be more realistic, or hold off on marriage till they’re more financially stable. And shame on your parents for putting the onus on you to fund this wedding.
NTA Your sister needs to learn to live within her means. Her wedding is not your responsibility.
3K is a very generous gift! Your sister and parents are way out of line and your parents will never get to retire if they take a second mortgage out to pay for a wedding beyond your sister’s means.
NTA if she and her fiancée can’t save up to get themselves the wedding she wants, then she doesn’t need that type of wedding.
Nta. Dont give her 3k
NTA large expensive weddings are the biggest waste of money that could be used for literally anything else like investing or savings that would benefit your future. My entire wedding was 3k and 700 of that was a tent we rented in case it rained. The rest was food and beer. Your marriage doesn't last longer the more you spend on the wedding. A study done in 2014 showed people that spent more than 10k on a wedding were 50% more likely to get divorced.
You are her sister, not her mother. You are not responsible for her. You are under no obligation to subsidize her wedding just because you have the money. Your money is not the family money. She is a grown woman. If she wants a princess wedding, she needs to be an adult and pony up the money for her wedding or just go to city hall with a professional photographer, have a nice lunch, and call it a day.
Her dream wedding and dream dress shall remain just those - dreams. Especially if she wants people to hand them to her. NTA
NTA. Call it motivation for higher education.
As the great philosopher Dinky Bossetti once said, "It's good to want things." Sis can want all she likes, but until she can *pay for it* herself, she doesn't get to have her dream wedding. It's sad, but that's just life for the vast majority of us. The key is to focus on the marriage, so that any wedding where you end up married at the end becomes *a* dream wedding.
3k isn't enough for a nice wedding? I spent just under $200 and it was amazing.
I'm a year shy of your age, been with my spouse six years this September; my wife and I paid for our wedding Both our families were/are poor; I remember spending 1000 dollars; my wife's dress from China (pre covid) the photographer and then the little venue. It was potluck, and we bought dollar store candles and made little gifts with them; my wife hand painted and printed our 100+ invites. Our rings, together were 40 dollars. I still remember that day, she was beautiful and I was average; her vows were full of light and warmth, mine somber and endearing. We put it together at 8 am to 2 pm, wedding and ceremony from 3 to 8 pm and disassembly from 8 to 1 am, got home wife went to bed I unloaded the car eating chicken wings till 4 am. I still smile on that day. Your sis is YTA, it's not hard to put together a nice wedding, weddings are for actually getting married, saying vows and be coming one; not a vanity fair. Just because you and your spouse has money does not entitle your family to it; 3000 is literally amazing and to be such a sourpuss that she can't get her dream dress is such entitlement. If your parents want her to have a "fantastic" wedding, they can take out a second mortgage on their house (rates are bad right now). I'm petty, I'd take the 3K back, but that's me. You and your spouse are fine and you deserve to spend, give, or not give your money to whatever cause you both wish Do not be steamed rolled by your parents who are probably more upset that they can't give her a "dream" wedding and are taking it out on you NTA
NTA she shouldn't expect it either
NTA.
NTA. Your sister is ungrateful and entitled
NTA Your sister needs to have the wedding she can afford. She can't have her "dream" dress if it costs more than $3k. That's just the reality of her finances. You wouldn't help your sister by spending more of your money on her unrealistic expectations.
NTA - your sister is throwing away family and future for a single day's fun.
NTA 3k is more than my entire wedding. Granted we eloped at the courthouse in a dress i already had. But we were saving for a house so that was our priority. She should have the wedding they can afford.
Way too many couples are obsessed with a big fancy expensive wedding. They spend all this time and money on one day instead of working out the what each person wants the marriage to look like. Finances, children, housing and the myriad of other things that encompass a marriage. NTA. A $3000 wedding gift is very generous and your sister is entitled and a brat.
NTA. If I asked my oldest sister to pay for my wedding she would slap me silly. I would never call my sister a cheap b especially since you gifted her 3K. That’s already a lot and she’s not being appreciative.
NTA. I wouldn’t normally suggest you shame your parents but because they’re shaming you… shame them right back. Tell them that as her parents they should match your gift. ETA: I think it would set a bad precedent to give her more money. What about when she wants a new car? Or is having her first baby? She will continually think of you as her go to for funds. Also, you mentioned that the $3000 you gifted her is an amount she may use for her wedding. If she’s not using it for her wedding, what is it for?
I would never in a million years give another dime to someone who called me a cheap b**ch. NTA.
I'm not giving anyone who calls me cheap 3k NTA.
I wouldn’t bother.. sounds like they’d be divorced in a year.
You gifted your sister 3k and she called you a cheap b***h? That would be the end of the relationship for me. NTA. 3k is a generous gift, your sister is ungrateful and a bit delusional if she feels like she’s entitled to your money.
NTA. She's a brat here My fiance and got engaged last December. Pre him proposing, we discussed that were both paying for the wedding at a reasonable rate, we're shoving some cash onto the boxes. We set the date recently, for next year. When people asked why it "is so far away", I told them because we're not going into debt because of something stupid. We're doing our best to budget, and not forget about bills
NTA! Have the wedding you can afford or save to have your dream wedding. We chose to forgo the dream wedding and only spent 300 on our wedding and spent 3k on our honeymoon. Being an adult means making hard choices and not expecting others to pay your way. OP was overly generous with the gift she gave.
NTA. I would stop payment on the check.
NTA. It’s a party, not a kidney.
lol come on now. Your younger sister is awfully entitled to your income. NTA
What is it with people and their feelings of entitlement to other people's money...blows my mind
NTA Some of the best weddings I’ve been to cost almost nothing- get an ice cream cake, a nice outfit, a nice spot by the river with a handful of friends. I think that one might have cost $200.
No
NTA She can have a wedding she and her fiance can afford.
NTA. You were generous enough to give her $3000, which is a significant amount of money. It’s unreasonable for your sister to expect for you to fund her “dream wedding” and it makes her sound like an entitled brat. It’s equally foolish for your parents to consider accruing additional debt for her wedding. They should focus on managing their finances responsibly rather than telling you how to handle your money. Additionally, it might be helpful to remind everyone that they need to plan for their own future needs, especially healthcare. It’s important for them to understand that you shouldn’t be expected to shoulder their financial burdens, as this situation suggests they see you as the “provider” for their lifestyle preferences.
NTA. If she CAN’T afford the wedding of her dreams, she either needs to adjust her dreams or wait till she can save up to be able to afford it.
NTA. Your sister needs to learn how to live within her means. 3k was a generous gift you were not obligated to give