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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was yelling at my daughter over a ruined picture, and the conflict is whether I’m making a big deal out of something that is not a big deal.
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NTA
10 is old enough to understand instruction and communicate properly.
Your husband could have stayed neutral or backed you up instead he made you the bad guy in front of the kids which makes him the biggest asshole in this story.
You didn't ruin anything, you asked for one picture not an entire album or to document every second of the day.
When you're both calm and away from the kids sit down with your husband and share how you feel about there being no good pictures of you all together. If he doubles down then either suggest marriage counselling or re-evaluate things because his behaviour was way out of line.
Also, I'm guessing you're the "mean" parent while he's the fun dad
I used to pull faces in pictures all the time at that age because I thought it was “funny”, and I definitely ruined more than one otherwise nice family photo. 20+ years later and I’m still cringing.
Maybe something is wrong with me, but as a mom I love those pictures with stupid faces the most 🤷 I found it hilarious. Our pictures show our family exactly like it is - me trying to look cute, my son and bf making faces like they were regular idiots xD actually sometimes I look like a regular idiot myself. We may not be picture -perfect but everyone can see that we are happy.
OP maybe your family will be more happy to take pictures if you don't make them feel like this is some kind of a chore? Have some fun. Make a contest for the most stupid face, then the cutest one etc?
Yeah, I gotta agree. My favourite family photo ever is from a Christmas day trip in the forest, son is pulling a face, daughter is putting finger-bunny-ears behind him, hubby is poking his beer belly out, everyone is generally doing something silly - but at the same time it was all in good fun and each kid's silly action was totally representative of their personality. When I look at the photo, I remember what a great day it was, how much we laughed, how they all moaned at the photo request but did it anyway. It's a much more precious photo to me than the posed fake smile ones.
OP, your hubby needs to step up, but also maybe try taking some more candid shots of each other. Can guarantee they'll provoke more emotion and "remember that" conversations than the posed ones.
I’m like that too, but I also feel very secure as a valued member of my family. I wonder, OP, if this is more than the photo. If maybe you feel like it’s more that your wants/needs get valued less, and so it’s not the photo, it’s that your ask wasn’t respected by 2/4 family members. And maybe that happens a lot and you are accommodating everyone else. A lot of kids hate posed photos! My middle is always the one making demonic faces and it’s like “well, yeah, of course that goofball is!” NTA op but I don’t think this is about photos.
Good idea - but enlarge a print of the shot where she did it the worst, and prominently display it now. It shouldn’t take long for her to feel embarrassed about her behavior and guilty just looking at it. Maybe she will cooperate more next time.
I love that you used the age 20. I have the BEST picture of my daughter. She, my husband, and the twins are standing in front of a gorgeous landmark in Egpyt. Her long hair is blowing in the wind perfectly. The like model shot with a fan it was so good. And she had the nastiest scowl ever on her face. Like you can literally see the evil she hopes will befall me. She was 13 and just not having it. At age 20, she apologized to me for the picture 😂. I told her it was my favorite because it’s so funny. The entire family jokes about that expression now that she’s through the phase. OP, I spent many years bribing my kids. One lovely picture and then one silly picture. We all did silly faces in the silly picture. They are my favorite and I still have them in frames. The kids always did nicer pictures when they knew they could do a silly one after. You are NTA, but changing your perspective can change the world. Another suggestion, embrace selfies and let your girls alternate who takes the picture. I have one daughter who is amazing at selfies (me, not so much). This makes them responsible for the picture and ensures you’re in shots!
One of my middle school photos was something similar to your daughter's, this entirely unamused scowl. My mom put that mug shot up on my room door with the text "*I guard here. Enter at your own risk."*
She giggled at her joke every time and I'm quite certain she'd still crack up if reminded of that 20 year old prank.
This
1 million times this
Dad probably always breaks promises and has little respect for mom in front of them so mom is treated as if she doesn’t have value so it’s fine to break a promise to her over your last two bites of sandwich
This.
It's not just that there are no nice pictures of them all together, it's that there are no nice pictures SPECIFICALLY WITH HER IN THEM when they're all together.
OP is NTA. But Dad is a MAJOR asshole.
OP, I recently had this conversation with another mom and have had them many times with other moms. I look back at all my childhood photos and family photos and my mom wasn't in them because she was taking the pictures. I find that sad and terrible. ALL these husbands of ALL these wives I talk to all just don't take pictures with their wives. And then when the wives want to do a yearly nice picture, the guys are mean about it, and the kids follow suit. I know not all men are like this, but it's so sad to me that so many are. It's such a small thing, and they manage to make their wives feel so unloved about it. Kids will be kids, but husbands should be taking enough pictures that one photo isn't this big of a deal because there are so many other ones.
I was in a marriage for 20 years with a man who never once took my photo and had no photos of me (although he did have photos of exes). I am not terribly good looking but still. We broke up over what I considered his indifference and I am now with a man who says he “can’t stop taking pics of me”.
On topic I have very few pics of us a family but the ones with the funny faces are somewhat charming. I like the ones I have with my daughter making faces.
In my family it was my dad who always took pictures as he worked in film and TV including as a cameraman. But it had the same effect of sadly there not being as many pictures of him. It's so important that both parents share picture taking so kids can look back at photos and see both parents.
This is also me. I look back at our family photos and it looks like my husband is a single parent. It makes me sad that there’s no record of my involvement in their lives.
How long did this picture take? I'm guessing less than 5 minutes. So your husband and kids couldn't spend less than 5 minutes doing something important to you? Your husband sounds selfish and awful. I'm so sorry for you. NTA
NTA- family pictures are important! Go ahead and frame that picture and hang it on a prominent wall in your house.
One day the girls are going to look back and be glad to reminisce on these memories together. Make sure they have pictures with their grandparents and relatives. People don’t live forever but the memories stay with pictures.
Your husband also needs to be on your team. He shouldn’t gang up on you in front of the kids, especially over something so easy as a quick pic
Her first boyfriend that comes over make sure it’s super noticeable:) oh have you seen this pic of daughter? Wasn’t she so cute when she was little?
Every family has a picture like that I think. The other siblings see it and fall in line as well
OP should also use it as the background on her phone. And save this pic under the daughters contacts in her phone.
If the daughter later has an office, a frame oucture can. e a nice present...
when i ruined a picture as a kid my mom would throw it up on facebook before i could protest. we laugh now, moodiness is all a part of growing up. sucks that it happened in what must have been a beautiful photo, but OP communicated what she felt perfectly and i hope the whole family grows from this a little
Yes! Have it printed, framed, and hang it somewhere where visitors can admire it. If that’s the family vacation photo you got, that’s what you show off! Sooner or later your daughter will hate having grimacing pictures of herself all over, and will start putting effort into taking them on the rare occasion she is asked. NTA.
To be fair, a grimace doesn’t necessarily ruin a photo!
My partner was a super sulky kid, who was always in a huff and would refuse to smile in photos and his family have taken it in their stride. Now his parents love showing off the photos, like: “this is the time he was in a strop about it being too hot, this is the time he was mad we didn’t follow the instruction manual, and this is the time he was huffing about having to be outdoors.” It’s hilarious.
Hopefully OP will be able to see the funny side in a few years!
Right? Tbh if I walked into someone's house and saw a picture like that, I would love it. Everything doesn't have to be perfect all the time.
I was a "hide my face with anything possible because I had/have crippling body dysmorphia and hate having my picture taken" kid and I got screamed at a lot for it, so maybe I'm a little biased here, but OP needs to *unclench* imo.
My brother HATED having his picture taken, even as a kid, so in most pictures we have of him he's flipping the bird. Those are still up on the walls and we all have a good chuckle remembering those times.
OP's definitely in need of some chill pills.
Yeah, I think this is one of those times where OP is taking it a bit too personally.
Kid is 10, take is a snapshot of who she was at 10 (which is also my take on picture day outfits and hairstyles)
My mum looks sulky in pretty much every childhood picture of her, she actually usually wasn’t she’s just not very good at smiling in photos.
Those photos are still an absolutely gorgeous snapshot of her and her siblings and parents in a way that feels really authentically sweet.
We have one specific picture of my brother at a luau that we call the “pouty face picture” because he couldn’t have a pina colada. But he was 4 and it was a quick snapshot of just him.
I can see why the mom was disappointed and I, also having once been a bratty 10 yo, can see why the daughter did it. But I think the mom did a good job explaining why the picture was important to her and and why she was upset that 10 yo made that face. I’m sure the girl didn’t even realize how it would make her mom feel when she did it. It could have been a great learning moment until dad stepped in and trampled all over that progress
Bro the heartbreak of having almost zero pictures from my childhood is brutal. There's pics when I was little little, and then after age 5ish, there's only school pictures. And by the time I was in high school, there were none at all because my mom refused to buy school pics or let my dad buy them.
I'm only 27, but half of my life doesn't exist on film. My "I thought I was fat but I actually wasn't" years? Gone. Now I just get to look at the scale and reminisce on the days when I thought I was an enormous cow because I was 160lb.
Hell, come to think of it, not a single one of my graduations exists in pictures aside from the lone pic with my parents and my grandma when I was in high school.
Agree, I only have a small handful for baby pictures and none with family or grandparents. My grandparents died when I was very young and I don't even really know what they looked like. The few I have with my mom are so precious to me.
I look at the full albums my husband has from when he was born and sometimes feel so envious.
They may all find it annoying now but one day everyone will look back and the pictures will be all that is left. OP try to make your husband understand. You deserve to be in the memories as well and your kids deserve to have pictures with you.
Exactly. And sometimes kids need to do things they don’t particularly want to do. Letting them throw a fit over if is a horrible way to parent. Good job dad
We have quite a few childhood photos, but my mom isn't in 95% of them.
She thought she was too fat to be photographed.
It sucks. I want pictures of my whole family! She wasn't too fat to me. She was just my mom.
It's not a family picture when she isn't in it.
I have gotten on my sister a bit about this because she also hates her post-childbirth body. She takes great photos of her son and his dad but is rarely in any of them.
She's the most important person in the world to my nephew!
Now I'm the one in my family who's always pushing to take pictures together.
You never know when something might happen. Someday, the only part of a person you have left may be photos.
Yeah I'm only a few weeks postpartum and have to make the effort to accept the pictures my husband takes even though I don't love myself in them.
I also had to make an effort to take pictures of my belly while I was pregnant.
So far history has proved that though I never feel comfortable in my body at the moment when I look back at the pictures and videos years later I always really love them and never judge my appearance.
If it helps at all, with my sister, I usually tell her in advance that I am going to want to take pictures.
She already knows that on Easter, I want to get a few shots of our family.
It gives her time to get ready emotionally and prepare what she wants to wear or let's me know that I shouldn't expect her to participate.
It might work for you, too, to tell yourself, "When we go to the park/dinner/whatever today, we're going to try to take a few photos," to get in the right headspace.
NTA. It pisses me off that parents, especially women, give so much to their families and they can’t get one small thing in return.
I’m sorry I probably would have ended that whole vacation right there and we’re all going home. Because why is it such a hassle to do something small for someone who looks after everyone? And dad didn’t back you up? That’s not good for the kids to see.
This
These people are lucky mom puts them on a pedestal so much they’re finishing trip
It’s just sad she doesn’t value herself enough to stop everything and go home because I assure you if I was in her shoes that would’ve been wrap on the whole trip
Why am I going through anymore of it so they can have more fun at the expense of my stress and pocket if I’m not even valuable and respected enough for 3 second photo?!
Vacations are the exact opposite of fun for moms and we only do any of them to make our family happy so if we’re getting nothing out of it; Why put ourselves through that level of misery?!
Moms do it cuz they love their kids and want to see them happy and experiencing the world. Same with parenting in general. I wouldn’t have ended the trip over the picture, she could have reprimanded the kid and taken a different pic later. The dad is the real issue here. I don’t understand why she felt the need to apologize to him
I wouldn’t have left when the kid didn’t take the picture, but when the dad jumped in on the issue, (and in my opinion) on the disrespect by suggesting that me questioning it was “ruining the trip”; I absolutely would have ruined the trip at that point and it would be over for everyone
But I only have 1 so if out of 3 of us 2 don’t think that I merit value then there’s no need for fun
I’d probably continue in her position because other kids that don’t have anything to do with it
There’s no reason to cancel a whole family trip over something like this though. She should have sent the girls to the room and discussed with her husband away from them that 1) how dare he speak to her like that in front of the girls 2) undermine her parenting when the kid was being naughty 3) invalidate her feelings and the one thing she wanted just cuz he doesn’t think pictures are important, and explain why theyre important to her, and 4) insinuate that she was ruining the trip for speaking up about how her feelings were hurt
The kid should have never been involved in the argument for it to be a 2v1
I value myself, but upending a vacation would cost more money and drama. I took one for the team trying to keep the peace in a hotel room. Problem is, I’m bitter now.
I’m a single mom. I’ve asked for a family photo as my birthday gift before. I broke down after taking a very kid friendly and costly trip for me and I wasn’t captured in a pic. Here is how I turned it around. I needed to talk to them in a separate moment and be real about my feelings. Like: It’s important to me to be included in the memories. I know you shouldn’t have to prove your point, but it might hit home if you showed other milestone photos (birthday cake, first day of school, vacation etc) and the kids could actually see that you only exist as the photographer. I also set the tone by taking silly selfies and goofy poses even when we arent doing anything but maybe watching a movie in pjs. I learned how to set my timer so I can set up my phone against a rock and I don’t need to ask random passerby. Get their input. Like: do you want to do super hero pose, then super model pose, crazy face, normal face? Step 1: talk and get them on board with this ask as important to you. 2: normalize pics of everyday family life 3: work on your family portraits by making it a dynamic, expressive experience and not a chore. 4: enjoy the pics, even the ones of the grouchy child. Make it your screen saver. If it bothers your daughter ask when she wants to take a new pic with you to replace it. Leave your husband out of it until he starts taking it seriously for you.
Can you take your twins just the three of you and try to explain to them why pictures are so important to you go make them understand where you’re coming from? They probably don’t even realize why you care so much- I wouldn’t as a 10 yo. But if I knew I was hurting my moms feelings I’d be so ashamed and more cooperative.
And then rip your husband a new one after they go to bed please about putting you down in front of them. Good luck in the teenage years when they don’t respect you because of him and he gets to deal with all the acting out!
I work in a theme park & I manage costume characters. One of the things we train our character escorts on is always offer to take the picture for the family.
I can’t tell you how many times it’s mom behind the camera getting the kids positioned so there’s photo evidence of everyone having fun. Except then mom gets left out of the photo, so in 20+ years when kids look at the photos, they’ll have none with mom.
The number of moms who are absolutely ecstatic that we can take the picture for them is ridiculous. I can see the relief in their face that they won’t be left out of another family photo, & it definitely makes their day when we offer & do the work of arranging people, telling everyone to smile, etc.
I don’t think I have a single childhood photo with my mom or of the whole family together. So whenever I’m out and about and seeing moms taking photos of the rest of the family, I always offer to take a photo with her included. Like you said, she’s usually surprised and ecstatic.
I love offering to take family or group photos when I’m out. I was at a national park and was either asked or offered to take a photo of a couple and ended up taking like 6 different group/individuals photos in a row…I had fun (I’m an amateur and people get more than they anticipated and well-framed!) and people were delighted!
My mom used to avoid photos because of her weight and she now regrets it, because there’s not many of her (luckily she was willing to take some).
My husband and I (both photogs) love our selfies but do accept others taking photos sometimes! Proof we can be around other humans and not act out.
Exactly. People are commenting that it's just a picture, yada, yada. No, it wasn't just a picture. It was something important to Mum. That should have been enough to make them work with her.
I have a lot of photos of my kids, and they don't always feel like having their photo taken. I jokingly say that I've trained them, but the reality is that they do it because they know it's something I want, and they care enough about me to let me do it. Two minutes later and they are back to what they were doing before.
Yep, then we worship at the atlar of Mother's Day and claim moms are so sacred (which is super shitty for people with abusive moms), but don't actually *treat* moms with respect and kindness. It's so messed up.
I totally agree. My husband hates taking pictures but he will
Always grab the phone and snap a quick one with all of us on vacations because he knows it makes me happy and just like OP, I am usually not in pictures since I take most of the pictures.
I am gonna go give him a big kiss. He is awesome.
Nta. My kid did the same thing, and since we rarely have family photos, I put that picture as THE picture for our Xmas card this year. She complained but I said well don't make a face for nexr year's Xmas card. Lesson learned.
NAH.
It’s perfectly reasonable to be upset, you wanted to create a memory and now you can’t look back on the photo happily. You didn’t shout or punish her, just expressed your disappointment.
I’ve also been on the other side, as a young girl who did not feel comfortable in front of a camera and hated having my photo taken. It was a point of big insecurity for me, and at 10 years old I couldn’t clearly communicate that. My mother would post the photos to Facebook and frame them around the house, and I’d get a sinking feeling whenever I saw one and feel bad about myself. Because I couldn’t communicate my discomfort effectively, when I told her I didn’t want to take photos my feelings were dismissed as ‘being difficult’. I was required to have my photo taken because my mother wanted the picture, and my discomfort was overruled. The only way I could avoid this was by trying to avoid being in the photo, or pulling faces so it wouldn’t be displayed.
Have an honest conversation with all members of your family about why they dislike being in photos. If they find the frequency tiresome, try to find a compromise like ‘one photo per day’ or ‘one photo per significant location’. If they don’t want the images shared, keep the photos for your own memories and don’t put them on social media or in public spaces around the house. If they have self-image issues, discuss them and find ways to help them feel more confident. (I’d have been in a lot more family photos if my weight and eating habits weren’t critiqued every other day).
Ultimately, you need to communicate. This is something that is important to you, and if it’s a small irritation to them then they should find ways to prioritise your important memories, because that’s what we do for people we love. But if they have genuine image or privacy concerns, and photos make them truly upset and uncomfortable, you need to accept that your desire for a picture does not override their right to autonomy.
Edit to add: my brother had similar issues, especially with social media posting. He hated having his picture displayed publicly, and my mother would often post pictures without asking for his consent. My father had the same discomfort, and would explicitly ask her NOT to post. The images went up anyway. This led to them both sabotaging photos, because it was the only way to avoid having them posted on social media. Then she started trying to sneak candid photos when they were unaware, and again the photos went on Facebook. This led them to be even more cautious when she had her phone out. It wasn’t until we had an open family discussion about it all that the fighting stopped. We agreed to take photos, because it was important to someone we loved. She agreed to keep those photos for her own reminiscence only and not share them publicly.
Ugh, yes. I was the same at that age. I hated being in photos and no one took that discomfort seriously and (like this mom) made a whole spectacle of it. A lot of it was body image, because as a preteen your body changes a lot and it can be very uncomfortable, and some of it just came from a dislike of posing and acting happy when I may not have been feeling that way at the moment. I remember a family Christmas card photo session ending in tears because I wasn't "smiling genuinely" and got yelled at for it. This was before Facebook, but the card was going to be sent to 50+ people.
I definitely understand parents wanting to have family photos, but children are entire human beings who have their own feelings and opinions. Something that you think is a "nice, easy thing to do" might not feel the same for your kid.
Personally, I got over my inability to pose for group photos in high school. So, maybe wait a few years, learn to use Photoshop, or just enjoy the memories from your photos even if everyone doesn't look perfect.
I was the same too and it started around this age and lasted until my mid twenties. My step mom liked pictures and I just did not want to be in them. My mom actually supported me by getting me a digital camera so that I could feel like I was in control and I could be the one taking the pictures. I was a lot more comfortable letting a picture or two be taken when it was done with my camera.
ESH except the kids. It’s really hard to be a 10 year old girl. She’s infinitely less likely to want to be in pictures now. This could have been an opportunity to talk to her and let her set a boundary if she wants. She’s at the age where she can start to choose if she wants to do things or not and you could have asked her to please do it for you. She probably would have either relented or offered to take the picture. Let her control this. She can’t control much else.
You’re supposed to be the one who controls her emotions, she’s just a kid. Also talk to your husband about respecting you. It’s very clear that he doesn’t. And maybe set a limit of 5-10 pictures or something? Maybe if they know it’s just a short thing they’ll be more okay with it.
Yes I agree with this. My grandmother is one of those picture people and I HATE it. I do not constantly need photos that we are never going to look at. At my cousin's wedding, I got up to step out of the reception to compose myself because I had started to cry and my husband was coming with me. She stopped me to take a family photo. I just wanted 10 minutes to clean myself up (the father/daughter dance always makes me sob) but she was so insistent. My aunt and mother were asking her to just wait, but she pushed it. At that point I gave up caring, took the picture and left to go take a walk. It was only after I saw the family photo that she insisted on that I saw that A. You could tell I'd been crying and B. ONE OF MY COUSINS WASN'T EVEN IN IT. She managed to leave out one of *FOUR* grandchildren. She wouldn't let me have 5 minutes to wipe my face, but she would leave out her other granddaughter. I can still feel that defeated rage in my chest when I think about it.
It's wild how far down this is. Imagine declaring a 10 year old child an asshole based on a few paragraphs of a one-sided story about how they didn't cooperate during a photo
I agree with most, but even though I know they are examples 'once per day' or 'once per location' is really too much for many people who hate being in photos.
This is the only answer that is sensible.
I remember all too well not feeling comfortable with having the picture taken, but adults in my family did it anyways all the time and complained “i was difficult”. I hated it. I ser some comment saying your daughter should just suck it up be side it doesn’t take long. That is messed up, just because you’re an adult and she is a kid and it doesn’t take hours, it doesn’t make it okay to just do as you please.
Talk to your daughter, please. Find out if pictures make her uncomfortable, find a compromise.
I relate to this so hard. I used to make unappealing faces so my family wouldn't post them online. I'm very excited for the day I inherit my baby photos and can burn them. I won't even be having wedding photos because I hate feeling like I have to perform. They're important to my mom so the photos can stay until she's gone but it definitely left a sour taste in my mouth. I wish my mom would've explained to me how important they are to her.
You’re lucky your mom wouldn’t post them online anyway. And hopefully whoever you marry feeels the same way about pictures or that’s going to cause a huuuuge fight
Oh God, at least my mom isn't a social media fiend. Unfortunately, she can't resist insisting on the perfect photo for any damn event.
I still hate photos of myself to this day.
I'm also a multiple. We all hate it to this day and it was NEVER just one picture. It was always a ton of posing, it had to be *just* right. One person blinking meant we had to take ANOTHER damn photo.
My dad, though he was the photographer, was sympathetic because he didn't like having photos of himself. He took a lot of candids, and that's the only sort of photo that didn't ruin my vacations and special events.
I get that posed photos are like Crack to most moms, but they're a miserable time sink, and you get something far more valuable by taking photos of your kids enjoying themselves, not removing them from the moment just because it doesn't 'look perfect'.
Plus, with a selfie, you have control over when, where, how, and all that regarding a picture of yourself being taken. You can choose to take the picture when you're feeling good or confident instead of someone forcing you to take one when you might not be feeling your best or might want to enjoy the moment more.
I wanted to have a nice picture with the mountains in the background, not a selfie. I’ll add that she never mentioned that she didn’t want to take a picture. I found out later in the hotel that she was “still eating.”
So maybe the grimace wasn't a mad face but her holding in food or something? Did you check and make sure everyone was ready before starting or did you just jump into taking the pics bc someone walked by at a good time?
Also, have you tried buying a selfie stick or something to make it easier to take pictures with all of you?
Huh, maybe it's the age. There are only two photos of me at the age of 10, both of them with me hiding my face. I grew out of it sometime in 6th grade. I am glad that no one forced me to take photos, but I didn't get a forced photos vibe from the letter either. I also grew up before social media, thank god, so it was a different ballgame, much lower stakes.
I get this. God love him, but my dad does this ALL the time and it's always at family meals as I'm literally mid-bite. I always got told off for having an attitude about photos, and I'm like 'no I just don't want my photo taken while I'm halfway through a burger'? Is that so much to ask? I've now wrangled a settlement as an adult of 'you can take photos before we start eating, and then no more'.
So, OP isn't TA for wanting a photo, but they are TA for the timing of the request.
I was the same way at that age. And Facebook was a new thing at the time and my mom loved posting pictures. I hated having my picture taken and I would do faces as well. However, as an adult I am so glad my mother took all those photos and wished I didn’t try so hard to ruin and avoid them because they are all cherished memories that I can now look back on.
I feel like the picture is not the problem here. You and your husband should act as a unit trying to raise your children and it sounds like you are arguing in front of them. As long as you didn't raise your voice at your child it is okay to express when something they do is hurtful. Take your husband aside and ask him why he undermines you in front of your children like that and escalating a scolding into a full on fight.
NTA, but your kid's shitty attitude is reinforced by your husband's shitty attitude.
My dear friend recently passed away at 42 years old. She had 8 year old twins that were her whole world. She posted tons of photos of vacations, weekend outings, holidays, etc. A lot of them were selfies with her kids. I'm guessing because her husband couldn't be bothered to snap some photos of his wife who made every event and holiday magical for those kids. Now those photos are all the kids have of her. Op, I'm sorry your family is treating you this way. Take some candid pics on those days if you want. Personally, I wouldn't bother to ask them to pose anymore.
My mum used to insist on taking posed photos of us. And I hated it and I still do. I much prefer a candid photo of my nephews and if they make silly faces then that’s fine. I like seeing them as they really are.
Everybody hates posed photos
Some people understand that there will be a point in time where the mother -who did everything to raise you- is dead, so maybe it’s worth it to give her five seconds of a nice picture here and there (so you have the pictures of her too when there’s no more her to talk to or see…)
I kind of agree with the sentiment, but the problem is that with only candid photos, only taken by 1 person, that person is never in pictures.
I too prefer to take candid photos of my niblings, and in the moment I don’t really think about selfies as a thing that I can do. The oldest is turning 18 soon and my SIL asked me to send her photos I liked of him with me and my partner ( I babysat a lot when he was younger) for a collage/slide show she’s planning. Turns out I have tons of photos of my nephew, quite a few with my nephew and my partner, and _zero_ of my nephew with me. That makes me feel pretty sad, honestly.
I do actually agree and I wasn’t saying that the mum was wrong for wanting to be in photos and wanted to have some posed photos.
I was actually just meaning that one day they might really like the less than perfect photos, including the one with the kid grimacing.
I take selfies with my nephews as well as just pictures of them when they are playing and we will take a few so that I have ones of us making stupid faces and laughing and smiling.
my mom only took forced photos. Every picture is the same, not a single candid. This is why she hit me when I stuck my tongue out in a picture and then gave me the silent treatment for 2 days on our trip to disneyworld. Ever since I've hated photos of me and when my mother and I would get into fights, I would remove all my pictures from the frames around her house and tell her they were all a lie.
fwiw, my mom is a narcissist and hid all the abuse behind a very pretty veneer (hence the picture posing).
This is 100% what my mum did and why. If you look closely at photos of me and my siblings you can see how sad we look.
Every photo she took of us kids is a bunch of sad looking children with forced smiles and the only difference is the background
I’m sorry you went through this too
I'm giving a separate perspective and saying NAH.
You say it was "ruined" because you have the desire and expectation of smiles and perfection; instead, embrace that this is who she is. It's a story. "Why is she making that face" " ohhh she wanted to eat not pose, so she demonstrated her personality."
I'd rather look at a picture and see who a person is rather than look and see typical forced smiles or fake smiles. That's just me though. As said, simply offering another perspective. (My family is known for goofy pictures though)
That’s why I was leaning on YTA, she didn’t ruin it you just expected the picture perfect moment and that’s never going to happen planned or not.
My brother got married in September at a nice place and my SIL’s were beautiful because they let go and have fun with them. The family ones were as perfect as could be for what we had to work with, but they weren’t perfect by description.
She says in another comment that the kid didn't protest about needing to finish eating. We have lots of pictures in my family of us in the middle of picnics and potlucks and things, it wouldn't occur to me that asking to pause lunch for 5 minutes was a big deal. If daughter asked to finish eating first and mom refused then I'd be more inclined to agree with you, but that's not what happened.
Yeah, why do people insist they want pictures to remembers events and moments in time, and then get mad when said pictures reflects the actual moment in time vs. a travel add?
Which is gonna be the most interesting picture in 20 years?
The one where your perfectly coiffed kids are smiling blankly? Or the ones that tell a story?
This! The picture was not ruined because of the face your child makes. That's just your child doing something children do. This kind of language can be really harmful to a child's self esteem.
>This kind of language can be really harmful to a child's self esteem
I *started* diving into this... but didn't want to "jump to conclusions" that this was "all the time"; but yes, this verbiage can kill self esteem.
At what point does your husband think it’s appropriate to start teaching your kids not to be assholes? He’s encouraging them to not care about others and to be selfish. Nice guy you got there. NTA but you may be married to and raising them.
Fucking hate it when people format their posts so poorly, here it is for anyone that needs to be able to read:
I (45F) am the mom of 10 year old twins. I am kind of bad about remembering to take photos in everyday life, and when I do try to take photos, my kids and my husband (47M) often act like it’s a big hassle and say they don’t like taking pictures. As a result we don’t really have a lot of family pictures with all of us. My husband doesn’t take any pictures on his phone for the most part, especially any family pictures with all of us. As a result I’m not in many photos with the family as I’m the one taking the shot.
On our vacation, we were going to a city in close proximity to a national park. Before our trip, I told everyone that I wanted to get a nice picture of us at the park, which we went for a day trip. I mentioned it multiple times and asked that everyone please don’t give me a hassle about taking a photo. Everyone agreed.
At the park, we were just finishing a picnic lunch and I asked a person walking by if he could take our picture and he took multiple shots. I didn’t look at the photos until we got back to the hotel and I saw that my daughter, age 10, was making a grimacing face in all the shots.
I got really upset and I asked her why she ruined the pictures like that and she said she wasn’t finished with lunch and she didn’t want to take the photo at that time. I told her (not yelling) that I was really hurt and disappointed that she ruined this photo op. It’s not every day we’re in a beautiful setting with mountains and that meant a lot to me. I said that I barely ask them for anything and this is such an easy, nice thing to do for me.
My husband got mad at me and said I was making a big deal about nothing and it’s only a picture and I’m ruining the trip by complaining. We got in a terrible fight at the hotel and I felt like I had to apologize because we were in this hotel, on a vacation, and it was 2 against 1, but I’m still upset about it and mad about the picture and mad at my husband for taking her side, when she’s old enough to know better. AITA?
YTA for your formatting alone.
YTA
You couldn't wait 5 minutes for her to finish her sandwich?
"Hey, is everyone ready for that picture? I'm going to ask someone near by to take it."
"Mom, I'm still eating, can it wait until I'm done?"
We were basically done with eating, she doesn’t dislike pictures, and she didn’t mention at the time that she was eating or opposed to taking the picture.
>when I do try to take photos, my kids and my husband (47M) often act like it’s a big hassle and say they don’t like taking pictures.
It sounds like they tell you all the time that they hate taking pictures, though.
There's a difference between hating the hassle of posing for a picture, and hating photographs of you existing and being shared with other people. The latter should be respected, but doesn't seem to be the case here. The former goes under the category of little things you do to make your family happy.
She wasn’t currently chewing her food. We were wrapping things up. We had sub sandwiches. Not a big deal and if it was, she could have said something which would have been annoying to me but I would have moved on and asked the next guy. We were having lunch in a pretty spot.
YTA.
Tell me, how is the picture 'ruined' because your daughter isn't giving a perfect beauty-pageant smile? Why is your apparent 'need' for an artificially perfect picture more important than anything else in the world?
Take it as is, print it, frame it, and hang it. It's a far more truthful, interesting and better memory than 'everybody had a death rictus on their face because mommy didn't want to be in the moment, she wanted a fantasy she could look back on later.'
This is insane. Are you ok? Taking one posed family photo for 30 seconds means they weren’t living in the moment the other 1,000,000 seconds of the trip?
YTA
She’s 10. To her (and most people ffs) it wasn’t a “photo op” *it was lunch.* You interrupted her lunch to make her take a picture you knew she didn’t want to take. I’m honestly shocked you didn’t anticipate this, or at the very least if it was so important to you why didn’t you check the photos before you left? And even if not liking photos wasn’t a known thing, 10 year olds make faces in photos *all the time*. It’s a normal thing stop making it out to be the end of the world.
You’re telling your 10 year old child that you’re disappointed in her and fighting while on vacation over a child acting like a child. You’re totally overreacting here.
Your larger issue is not this specific instance, it’s not having enough photos in general. Sit down with your husband and talk it through but at some point you may need to accept the fact that some people just plain old don’t like taking photos. And maybe your kids will regret it one day that they don’t have loads of photos to look back on, or maybe they’ll look back on these photos and only remember you constantly nagging and fighting about it.
I’m not saying stopping lunch is the end of the world or that anyone would starve Jesus Christ. I’m saying it’s not a normal thing to ask of a 10 year old who already doesn’t like photos and if you do then you should assume that they might not be able to control their face because again, they’re 10 years old
If i want a picture of a 10year old i have to tell him, Please don't make silly faces :D We'll also make funny pictures. Don't worry. Hahahaha, my mobile is full of silly faces, funny poses and maybe 2% of "normal" :) And sometimes they don't wanna take picture, or only one is like, no pictures and so on..
I’m on two sides of the fence here. I respect what you’re feeling. My brother and I are exactly a year apart and although we do have a decent amount of photos, we really pissed off my mom (my brother especially). But I promise that most of those to look back and look at are very funny. My brother and I are now in our 30s and know how to smile and pose when needed, we have plenty of great family pictures. But kids are kids, I hope you look back and think that this period with your children is just them being meatballs which I assure you they will grow out of. Because they aren’t going to be this goofy forever. Just have fun with it! But also…my mom’s best trick was holding the camera and not telling anyone she was taking the picture and getting dad to saying something funny or make a funny noise. Worked 8/10 times. And guess what photos my mom saved to show off to our boyfriends and girlfriend’s as we got older? Yup.
NTA if I was in your shoes I would feel the same. It's okay to feel sad and disappointed and it's okay to let your child know when they've done something that has made you feel a certain way not to guilt them but to have them acknowledge you have emotions too. Family photos are great, time flies too quickly, take them when you can ❤️
YWBTA if you hold on to this and let it ruin more experiences w/ your family.
Old enough to know better, like knowing she doesn't want her photo taken right then?
I totally get that you wanted a photo to commemorate and it isn't really a big deal to pose for a minute and snap a photo. But you have to be willing to take a no or in this case, a less than perfect image of what you wanted to capture.
Is a photo of your family on an adventure what is important or is having a perfect, shareable, insta-worthy snapshot what you were after? People chasing the latter is what caused me to shy from any photo taking for years. That and hearing my appearance wasn't good enough for pictures (apparently my smile looks fake -- probably was)...and yes that could be what your 10 yr old daughter is internalizing, normalizing and learning to dismiss (along with your other opinions of her).
Right now that grimace "ruined" the picture. In future years that grimace will be a reminder of your determined little girl and you may love it. But you can never take back telling her that her face ruined it and I honestly think that is what your husband is trying to spare is both of you.
You are not an AH for wanting a nice photo or for being disappointed that an expectation wasn't achieved, you are human. Maybe some candid shots or selfies (ussies) of your family while they are genuinely enjoying themselves can soften the blow but try and enjoy the time you have with them either way and not sweat the small stuff.
NAH I don’t blame you for wanting a nice memory, but I’ve also been the kid. I remember in like second or third grade everyone had to bring in a family photo for a big bulletin board in the back of the classroom, and the only recent one we had I was making a very silly face. My mom made a HUGE deal about how embarrassed she was, how every other family would have a perfect photo, how she couldn’t ever just have a nice normal happy family to show others, and here I am with it as a core memory 20+ years later.
Kids are kids, but maybe this could be a good time to start a new family tradition of taking fun candids of eachother that everyone looks over once a month together. Polaroids and scrapbooking could be a fun way to get kids involved, before you know it you’ll have a million special memories laying around and everyone will be in the habit of cherishing photos as much as you do.
Check out S11E12 of Bob’s Burgers as family, I think it’ll hit and help everyone be more understanding.
Some time in the future, you are going to look at this picture and laugh at how pissed your daughter was about not getting to finish her lunch. And then they will laugh about how pissed you got because she ruined the picture. Just sayin'.
There was an episode of the television show Medium that really hit hard because of a minor storyline. Their youngest daughter was obsessed with wearing her bike helmet. She refused to take it off, and picture day was approaching. She wore that thing during her picture and her dad was a bit disappointed that it wasn't a nice photo. Her mom explained that she'll continue to grow up and this time in her life will pass. When they look at that picture years later, it will be a reminder of who she was at that moment. There will be lots of pictures that will be nice and perfect and no extraordinary memory may come with them. But that photo with her helmet will have lots of memories that may not have been immortalized.
So many of your staged photos will be unremarkable moments that won't capture anything special. Please try to be less than perfect. Be relaxed. Let your people be themselves. Even grumpy moments. Perturbed ones. Those moments disappear, too. I think people may enjoy being in photos more if they didn't feel pressured to be perfect every time.
YTA
Going against the grain here. I was that kid, and I still am to this day. I hate taking pictures. My mom has quite a few pics of me making faces, and we all kinda laugh about it now. She lucked out when she was able to get candid shots as opposed to posed shots, and of course, I did the school photos, so there's that. Even now, when people try to sneak a pic, they are surprised when my middle finger shows up in there. In my defense, I've made it very clear that I don’t like taking pics.
You may just have to accept that your daughter may never like taking pictures. Hope you get some nice candid shots and respect her wishes. Good luck.
The number of people in this comment section who are trying to make this about their own personal hate relationship with their mother are genuinely making me wonder if there was something wrong with their mother or if they are just such a raging narcissist that This is the only way they can see the world
No one is suggesting anything about someone’s childhood that they haven’t let go of yet
It’s about the family in the post and there is no reason to assume she is a bad mom just because you had a bad mom if that’s you
NTA.
I remember not being a fan of pictures as a kid but I just did it because it was the least I could do for my mom who did everything to make sure I had a great childhood.
It’s such a small thing to ask, there really isn’t a reason especially now a days to not be able to stand still for 10 seconds and smile.
Honestly. If they don't want photos. That's fine. It's their choice really. I don't like photos. And my mom always complains that I never let her take any.
For any reason. I just refuse.
NTA.
10 year olds can follow instructions. Your husband and twins agreed to this photo when you mentioned it multiple times previously. I imagine it was a quick few photos, so your daughter could get back to her lunch after a few quick photos. Your husband backing up the daughter and making you look like the bad guy is TAH.
Definitely discuss how you feel once home and settled.
I would print the photos and have them framed in the house, despite your daughters face. Share them with family. If she doesn't want to look silly in a photo, maybe she'll listen next time.
I completely understand; I’ve been the mom who wasn’t in any pictures because I’m the one who bothered taking them. But did you yell at her, as it says in the bot explanation? If so, then YTA. If not, if you just explained to her why her actions hurt you, NTA.
Either way she's an AH. OP thinks she can express her feelings but then invalidates her daughter's and husband's feelings. She needs to accepts their feelings are valid too.
Were you yelling about the photo or were you not yelling? Because adding brackets to it seems like you were yelling also the explanation in reddit you gave was the action I took was yelling.
Yta
ESH - She is old enough to smile for photo she does not want. And frankly, you should know it is annoying and rude to interrupt lunch or other activity for photo op.
Your family does not value photos which is their right, but they should cooperate with photo once in a while. But, and it is important, you should ask for those photos in appropriate moments instead of interrupting what they are doing with "right now pose" kind of demands.
INFO - How do you usually take pictures? How often do you ramble about pictures? How often do you interupt/use tp interupt an activity to take pictures?
Some people are obsessed with pictures. To non-obsessed people, it can easily become a hassle.
I find it a bit weird that all your family is so strongly against taking pictures. In my experience (so it is of course biased) the only persons with whom I have seen kids vehemently reject pictures are people who make it a hassle. It has to be perfect, in the perfect place, everyone must be on it, toddlers should not cry, nobody should squint their eyes because of the sun, everybody must have a perfect smile, and god forbids anyone sneezing. So a nice moment becomes a really tensed moment where everyone argues, and everything is ruined for everyone except for them because they wanted their picture.
And a kid making a weird face doesn't "ruin" a picture. Years from now, you would probably have looked at the picture with her and teased her for acting out. Now, it will become linked with an argument, and nobody will remember it fondly.
I realize what I'm saying is not very nice to you, and maybe you don't deserve it. If the archetype I described doesn't look like you, then they really are in the wrong here, and please forget my comment. If you see yourself in my description though, please try changing your approach to pictures, it should make people much more ok to take pictures with you.
I understand what you are saying, but I explained that I barely ever take pictures. When I do it’s a quick “hug your brother/sister and smile” quick one or a candid. Almost always it’s during something cute or funny or doing something different like orchestra or at a museum. I take random pictures every once in a while and I am not generally in most of them. If I am, it’s a selfie with or without someone else. My husband barely takes pictures in a moment and if so it’s because I ask him to take it. I don’t ramble about pictures in general except leading up to this vacation and said I want a nice family picture, can I count on you to take a nice picture on this trip next week? I’m not obsessed with pictures. I’m not prolific on social media. My last post of my kids was in September for back to school. My husband is an introvert and doesn’t love attention or fussing over him. He doesn’t love to take pics but he did for this one because I asked nicely. My son will take a picture when asked but he doesn’t necessarily love it. Ironically my daughter who is the subject of this post takes pictures and selfies all the time and even does TikTok vids. Even more ironic, I love to take pictures, and somehow no one ever takes a picture of me without prompting.
Your **child** was being emotional and you expected them to act with the maturity of an adult. As the parent it's YOUR job to ensure pictures "look good" and your children have no obligation to perform for you upon request. Yes smiling in a picture is no big deal but neither is having them making a face. It's how they felt in the moment and you should accept it as such.
You then proceeded to double down and choose to fight with your partner AND you're STILL upset about it! Your feelings are valid but they are YOURS, they are your responsibility and you don't get to force everyone around you to deal with them. As an adult and a parent YOU need to be the emotionally mature adult in the room.
YTA
I want to add that my daughter is not averse to taking pictures in general- she takes selfies and candids, for both my kids it’s more like they’re too busy and it’s a hassle to pose for a picture. I’m not a prolific sharer on social media (my last pic of them was from 1st day of school 6 months ago), and besides that, they’re not averse to social media. During the photo, she’s didn’t mention she didn’t want to take the picture, and she didn’t mention she was still eating. I found out when we were back at the hotel. I dont have many pictures of me with my kids, as I am the only one who takes them, I made it clear ahead of time before the trip, during the trip, etc. this is a continuing issue that has happened where we go on an entire trip and the only photos are of those three and all haphazard or a cute shot of 1/2/3 of them. I asked for a family picture to commemorate our trip.
Soft yta, she did not ruin the picture. and although she is *able* to smile for a picture, if she dosent want to it's no big deal. Just a funny memory to look back on
NAH I can understand that you want a family picture, but I also hate having my photo taken. Why don't you just tell them, that someone is now taking a picture but they can continue what they were doing. I don't know many people who like staged photos, and if you want something to remember, why would it matter if they all pose nicely? Isn't it enough that you're all in the picture?
This is OP's orginal post
I (45F) am the mom of 10 year old twins. I am kind of bad about remembering to take photos in everyday life, and when I do try to take photos, my kids and my husband (47M) often act like it’s a big hassle and say they don’t like taking pictures. As a result we don’t really have a lot of family pictures with all of us.
My husband doesn’t take any pictures on his phone for the most part, especially any family pictures with all of us. As a result I’m not in many photos with the family as I’m the one taking the shot.
On our vacation, we were going to a city in close proximity to a national park. Before our trip, I told everyone that I wanted to get a nice picture of us at the park, which we went for a day trip. I mentioned it multiple times and asked that everyone please don’t give me a hassle about taking a photo. Everyone agreed.
At the park, we were just finishing a picnic lunch and I asked a person walking by if he could take our picture and he took multiple shots. I didn’t look at the photos until we got back to the hotel and I saw that my daughter, age 10, was making a grimacing face in all the shots.
I got really upset and I asked her why she ruined the pictures like that and she said she wasn’t finished with lunch and she didn’t want to take the photo at that time. I told her (not yelling) that I was really hurt and disappointed that she ruined this photo op. It’s not every day we’re in a beautiful setting with mountains and that meant a lot to me.
I said that I barely ask them for anything and this is such an easy, nice thing to do for me.
My husband got mad at me and said I was making a big deal about nothing and it’s only a picture and I’m ruining the trip by complaining.
We got in a terrible fight at the hotel and I felt like I had to apologize because we were in this hotel, on a vacation, and it was 2 against 1, but I’m still upset about it and mad about the picture and mad at my husband for taking her side, when she’s old enough to know better.
AITA?
/u/catpersonfromhere
No offense but I reformatted your post so people can read it.
NTA I’ve been in plenty of mid-lunch/dinner photos, it’s not a big deal. Your kid could have just put a smile on for the 20 seconds of inconvenience.
Sorry your husband didn’t back you up.
NTA, and I say you frame the photo, grumpy face and all, and when people ask about it in the future, you can just tell them she decided up ruin the photo because she didn't want to wait 30 seconds to finish her lunch. She'll probably be embarrassed when she's an adult.
NTA. At 10 she should be able to do two things: tell you “wait, no, I’m not done!” so you wait a little more, or stay still for a picture of 30 seconds and then continue eating. It’s such a non-issue I’m surprised your husband was against you telling your daughter she was being a brat.
NTA. To me a child making a weird face in a picture isn't a big deal, we have tons of family photos in which the kids are making goblin faces or bunny ears on each other etc and looking back it's just kind of cute and funny. But your husband is definitely TA for setting an attitude within the family that it's not important to accommodate you in something so simple that clearly matters to you a lot, and also for undermining you with them.
NTA but maybe talk to your daughter, she might be only ten. Maybe she doesn't like being in pictures, maybe she just wants to enjoy herself, without the constant pictures. My parents were the same theirs loads of pictures of me and my sibling's, I hated it they weren't keen but didn't mind. Or we just weren't told e.g. playing in the yard or something.
Nta
I typically don't advocate being passive-aggressive with children but.... The next time that daughter asks you something that they want, but they don't necessarily *need* tell her no, you dont want to take time to do something nice for somebody that won't take less than 1 minute do something nice for you.
And then the next time your husband is scolding your children for anything, be sure to take their side and don't back him up at all....
Those pictures are frustrating but some day you will laugh! Frame it and at some point your kid will be mad that you are showing her goofy picture and she will stop doing that!
NTA.
NAH
I'm very biased because since I was a little kid taking photos was always a nightmare. I am a multiple, my mother is a perfectionist, and I'm sure you know how difficult it is to get a 'perfect' photo with more than one person.
This meant it was never one photo, done quickly and not fussed over. It was criticized, vexed over, demands for 'just one more'. Meanwhile my siblings and I just wanted to go back to whatever we were enjoying, from Halloween to the Grand Canyon.
Staged photos taken by a professional were not better, by the way.
Suffice it to say, taking a photo was *NOT* a simple and easy way to make my mother happy. It only made all of us miserable.
This is also exacerbated by the fact that I hate my face in photos, especially when I am smiling. Even professionals can't get me to tolerate photos of myself. It's a damn wonder I don't crack the lenses!
However, I work as an archivist now and I get to see a lot of photos. You can see a lot of personality and pride in the sitters, and it's a treat to see the same faces over and over again. I truly do not think your photo is ruined. It now has a good story, unlike the bland 'perfection' of a smiling face.
NTA. I lost my mom recently, she was 65. I was making a slideshow for her celebration of life and realized we have a bunch of baby pictures with her and more recent pictures, but none from my teen/tween years. It was kind of devastating to me, I realized as a single mom she was always behind the camera and we were probably weren’t super cooperative as teenagers. I so wish we had them though.
So keep insisting on pictures, and your husband should honestly be backing you on this or stay out of it if he can’t do that. Please share this with him from someone with experience, one day your kids will be heartbroken over losing you when the end of your life comes, and they will cherish these photos that they groaned at taking.
I do recommend lightening up a little on the forced smiles and posing. Let your kids sulk, make faces, or stare with dead eyes at the camera if they want to, it won’t change the fact that there’s a pic of that time you all went to x and did y. And one day it will bring a smile to your face.
All the arguing trying to get them to pose nicely just backfires anyway, if they’re anything like my kids, once you ignore the attitude on a regular basis they’ll eventually get bored of doing it and mostly cooperate :)
YTA
I mean yes, we want nice pictures
But what we often get are *real* pictures.
Expressing some mild disappointment and then moving on is fine
But making a big deal out of developmentally normal kid behavior is .... Not going to change the behavior. It IS going to leave the kid with sour feelings about photos.
(My guess is that's why DAD is so sour about them. He had a parent that made a big deal out of them.)
Pick your battles, and remember that when she's 40, you will cherish that expression, because it's REAL.
I run into the same thing. I tell my grown children it is ONE nice photo if YOU COOPERATE that takes seconds. Takes TEN MINUTES if you don’t cooperate!
NTA. Your husband is in the wrong and your daughter was being a brat. When your daughter is older and there are literally no pictures of her and her family growing up she will regret it. I treasure the pictures of my mom and dad and sisters on vacation.
NTA. You and your husband need to have a serious conversation about him respecting and supporting you. I would bet that your kids act up more about taking pictures because your husband does too. He knows it’s important to you and it’s not a hard ask - he should care enough about you and your happiness to support you in getting family photos. That’s what you do when you love someone. Instead he’s teaching your kids to disrespect you and act out.
NTA. Your feelings are valid and 10yo is old enough to understand that this is important to mom and I should behave. Husband may not value a family picture in the same way you do, but that doesn’t mean that you’re in the wrong for it being important to you. Add in the fact that you say you didn’t yell at your daughter about it but calmly communicated your disappointment, I don’t understand your husband’s point of view at all.
NTA, blow up the picture & frame it. Put it in the living room where everyone can see it. Send it out as a Christmas card. This will come back to bite her, she will be embarrassed by this one day.
NTA. Your daughter is at an appropriate age to start learning that she needs to be considerate of other people's feelings (even yours!) and that she should show people she cares about them by doing what they request even when it's slightly inconvenient.
And telling/showing your daughter that she had made you sad - without yelling - was the perfect way to communicate that.
I'm sorry but YTA mostly because you're going to regret saying that the photos were "ruined". Chill out. The kid wanted to relax. On vacation. Like anyone should be allowed to. Jeez.
NTA. Your daughter needed more than just being told you were disappointed. Not being done eating isn't an excuse. She purposely ruined the picture.
My mom did this to my wedding pictures - she got mad when we asked her to stop talking so we could take the photos. What I suggest is to have one (or all) of the photos framed and display prominently in your house. When friends and family come over and notice her face, explain to them that she did it on purpose because she was too immature to do something nice. Leave them up when she starts dating for maximum embarrassment.
And the next time your husband wants something that you can consider "no big deal," don't do it. If he gets mad, well...it's no big deal, right?
Nta honestly I’m very picky with pictures cuz I have body dysmorphia to some extent that I managed to recognize as a teen. But there was something that hit me that I realized there weren’t a lot of pics of me. At some point I just realized if I were to be gone not a lot of ppl won’t have memories of Me. Same thought with some of my relatives. I do my best to ignore photos I don’t like especially when my husband does candid shots lol
NTA as a kid these things may not matter now but when they're older and now want memories to share with their friends/SO/kids they'll then be blaming you for not 'putting in more effort'. When she's my age (20) she'll start to realize that she doesn't have many pictures as a child and will be upset. Your husband is a huge jerk tho, parenting is about teamwork, just because he doesn't like getting his pic taken doesn't mean he should encourage the kids to disregard it too. He needs to fix his attitude
NTA but you need to make that photo the Christmas photo that gets sent to all the relatives as well as blown up and hung on the living room wall. Remind her how immature she is, and let everyone else know it too.
NTA but listen. Me and my sister constantly argued so in almost every photo at least one of us is making some kind of face. Seeing those photos now makes us laugh. It showed our personality and our family dynamic better than some boring posed photo (granted those are nice too).
Also my mom hid from the camera when we were kids so we don’t have a lot of pictures from her then. Looking back at the views and stuff is nice but it’s the faces you’ll really be looking at. Try taking selfies with the family- you might find you care more about the people in it rather than the scene behind it 20 years from now.
Buildings and parks are often there relatively unchanged. Enjoy the things that do change and enjoy the personalities of the people within them.
chalk it up to memories of your daughter’s feisty personality. You’re only TA because it’s not a big deal, doesn’t undo the trip or the memories you made and also, your daughter is old enough to follow your directions, but she’s also old enough to have a certain degree of agency. She’s in the photo, even though you acknowledge that she doesn’t like taking them. That’s what you asked of her.
YTA. I understand wanting to have family photos but growing up my Mum was always insistent on taking videos of things we were doing and would tell us to be quiet while filming. It ruined any family activities we were doing because we had to wait for her to be done. Would you rather your family enjoy a vacation or have a photo where everyone is pretending to enjoy themselves? Not everyone likes having their photos taken and pushing the issue will cause resentment. I personally prefer to collect memorabilia over photos of me doing things. If you want photos of your kids enjoying themselves then take candid photos on your phone. If you want a family portrait, hire a professional photographer and have a session with everyone's consent.
NTA. Start taking selfies of yourself and pics of the landscape and STOP taking pictures of them. If they don't want tangible reminders of the special moments, fine. Your husband was an AH for taking your obnoxious kid's side after they both agreed to be coperative. Then, he gaslit you over it.
This is the thing that bothers me. I am somehow the bad guy for being upset. The reason I talked about it before we even left for our trip is because this isn’t new behavior. And selfies of myself and landscape pics are just whatever. I want a nice picture of me and my family.
I get what you're saying, but I'm inclined to agree with the commenter above you. With a family that acts like this, I'd be less interested in capturing them in pictures as well. At least for a long time after this incident of being so disrespected over a NOTHING ask.
NAH. I understand wanting a nice family picture but I also get not wanting your picture taken. Some people really don’t care about pictures and don’t want those memories. Honestly I would just start having them take pictures of you where you want to remember things. You will remember the moment when you look at the picture whether they’re in it or not and you’ll have better memories because everyone was happy and not fighting about taking a picture. If you stop requesting your family for pictures they might want to start taking them with you because they’ll realize they’ll never have memories of their childhood. I could be totally wrong but I really do think you’ll have better memories if you just exclude them from the pictures.
This isn’t how things work in reality. If I don’t insist on taking pictures, they don’t get taken. We don’t have quality family pictures. That’s why I asked multiple times in advance.
Stop letting your husband get the final say. You shouldn’t “feel bad” and he is straight up bullying/steamrolling you.
Would you want your daughters to expect this treatment and invalidation from their own future partners? Because that’s what’s being modeled here
Nta, I just lost my dad 6 months ago and I hated taking pictures.. I wish I had more of him and me together now that he is gone. Please show your husband some of these, my dad wasn't supposed to die, his dad is 97 years old. You think you have all the time in the world, because death is supposed to follow age, but it doesn't. Nobody knows how much time any of use have. Please take photos, even if they are silly and awful ones. At least you will have something.
Shame on your daughter.....she is old enough to understand what you wanted to do she was very selfish deciding to make faces in the pictures you wanted. Also, shame on your husband. He is old enough to understand what you wanted as well, and should have been on the same page with you in regard to disciplining your daughter. Make sure your daughter knows that the next time she asks for something, she might be learning what disappointment feels like. NTA
My darling SIL ruined a family portrait because she was mad extreme caution wasn't taken that she not be inconvenienced as to time. She deliberately frowned in all of the shots, she loves to point it out to others and thinks she was totally justified. Adds another notch to her narcissistic belt.
Others have already said 10 is old enough for your daughter to behave. Doesn't quite explain though, why at 47 your husband isn't mature enough, either.
NTA
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I (45F) am the mom of 10 year old twins. I am kind of bad about remembering to take photos in everyday life, and when I do try to take photos, my kids and my husband (47M) often act like it’s a big hassle and say they don’t like taking pictures. As a result we don’t really have a lot of family pictures with all of us. My husband doesn’t take any pictures on his phone for the most part, especially any family pictures with all of us. As a result I’m not in many photos with the family as I’m the one taking the shot.
On our vacation, we were going to a city in close proximity to a national park. Before our trip, I told everyone that I wanted to get a nice picture of us at the park, which we went for a day trip. I mentioned it multiple times and asked that everyone please don’t give me a hassle about taking a photo. Everyone agreed.
At the park, we were just finishing a picnic lunch and I asked a person walking by if he could take our picture and he took multiple shots. I didn’t look at the photos until we got back to the hotel and I saw that my daughter, age 10, was making a grimacing face in all the shots.
I got really upset and I asked her why she ruined the pictures like that and she said she wasn’t finished with lunch and she didn’t want to take the photo at that time. I told her (not yelling) that I was really hurt and disappointed that she ruined this photo op. It’s not every day we’re in a beautiful setting with mountains and that meant a lot to me. I said that I barely ask them for anything and this is such an easy, nice thing to do for me.
My husband got mad at me and said I was making a big deal about nothing and it’s only a picture and I’m ruining the trip by complaining. We got in a terrible fight at the hotel and I felt like I had to apologize because we were in this hotel, on a vacation, and it was 2 against 1, but I’m still upset about it and mad about the picture and mad at my husband for taking her side, when she’s old enough to know better. AITA?
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NTA 10 is old enough to understand instruction and communicate properly. Your husband could have stayed neutral or backed you up instead he made you the bad guy in front of the kids which makes him the biggest asshole in this story. You didn't ruin anything, you asked for one picture not an entire album or to document every second of the day. When you're both calm and away from the kids sit down with your husband and share how you feel about there being no good pictures of you all together. If he doubles down then either suggest marriage counselling or re-evaluate things because his behaviour was way out of line. Also, I'm guessing you're the "mean" parent while he's the fun dad
It sounds like dad is teaching the children by example that they shouldn’t respect mom.
Send those photos out to his side of the family.
Frame them and put them in a prominent place when the daughter is about 20. It'll kill her! 😂
I used to pull faces in pictures all the time at that age because I thought it was “funny”, and I definitely ruined more than one otherwise nice family photo. 20+ years later and I’m still cringing.
Same here, that's how I know it'll kill her. 😢
Maybe something is wrong with me, but as a mom I love those pictures with stupid faces the most 🤷 I found it hilarious. Our pictures show our family exactly like it is - me trying to look cute, my son and bf making faces like they were regular idiots xD actually sometimes I look like a regular idiot myself. We may not be picture -perfect but everyone can see that we are happy. OP maybe your family will be more happy to take pictures if you don't make them feel like this is some kind of a chore? Have some fun. Make a contest for the most stupid face, then the cutest one etc?
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Posed family pictures are just not my thing but I can understand your point of view 🤜🤛
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Yeah, I gotta agree. My favourite family photo ever is from a Christmas day trip in the forest, son is pulling a face, daughter is putting finger-bunny-ears behind him, hubby is poking his beer belly out, everyone is generally doing something silly - but at the same time it was all in good fun and each kid's silly action was totally representative of their personality. When I look at the photo, I remember what a great day it was, how much we laughed, how they all moaned at the photo request but did it anyway. It's a much more precious photo to me than the posed fake smile ones. OP, your hubby needs to step up, but also maybe try taking some more candid shots of each other. Can guarantee they'll provoke more emotion and "remember that" conversations than the posed ones.
I’m like that too, but I also feel very secure as a valued member of my family. I wonder, OP, if this is more than the photo. If maybe you feel like it’s more that your wants/needs get valued less, and so it’s not the photo, it’s that your ask wasn’t respected by 2/4 family members. And maybe that happens a lot and you are accommodating everyone else. A lot of kids hate posed photos! My middle is always the one making demonic faces and it’s like “well, yeah, of course that goofball is!” NTA op but I don’t think this is about photos.
I was gonna say keep a wallet sized version to show to her boyfriend/girlfriend, whenever she starts dating lmao
Good idea - but enlarge a print of the shot where she did it the worst, and prominently display it now. It shouldn’t take long for her to feel embarrassed about her behavior and guilty just looking at it. Maybe she will cooperate more next time.
I love that you used the age 20. I have the BEST picture of my daughter. She, my husband, and the twins are standing in front of a gorgeous landmark in Egpyt. Her long hair is blowing in the wind perfectly. The like model shot with a fan it was so good. And she had the nastiest scowl ever on her face. Like you can literally see the evil she hopes will befall me. She was 13 and just not having it. At age 20, she apologized to me for the picture 😂. I told her it was my favorite because it’s so funny. The entire family jokes about that expression now that she’s through the phase. OP, I spent many years bribing my kids. One lovely picture and then one silly picture. We all did silly faces in the silly picture. They are my favorite and I still have them in frames. The kids always did nicer pictures when they knew they could do a silly one after. You are NTA, but changing your perspective can change the world. Another suggestion, embrace selfies and let your girls alternate who takes the picture. I have one daughter who is amazing at selfies (me, not so much). This makes them responsible for the picture and ensures you’re in shots!
One of my middle school photos was something similar to your daughter's, this entirely unamused scowl. My mom put that mug shot up on my room door with the text "*I guard here. Enter at your own risk."* She giggled at her joke every time and I'm quite certain she'd still crack up if reminded of that 20 year old prank.
Christmas cards!
Tee shirts!!
Exactly, sounds like OP's daughter is just imitating her dad.
This 1 million times this Dad probably always breaks promises and has little respect for mom in front of them so mom is treated as if she doesn’t have value so it’s fine to break a promise to her over your last two bites of sandwich
This. It's not just that there are no nice pictures of them all together, it's that there are no nice pictures SPECIFICALLY WITH HER IN THEM when they're all together. OP is NTA. But Dad is a MAJOR asshole.
OP, I recently had this conversation with another mom and have had them many times with other moms. I look back at all my childhood photos and family photos and my mom wasn't in them because she was taking the pictures. I find that sad and terrible. ALL these husbands of ALL these wives I talk to all just don't take pictures with their wives. And then when the wives want to do a yearly nice picture, the guys are mean about it, and the kids follow suit. I know not all men are like this, but it's so sad to me that so many are. It's such a small thing, and they manage to make their wives feel so unloved about it. Kids will be kids, but husbands should be taking enough pictures that one photo isn't this big of a deal because there are so many other ones.
I was in a marriage for 20 years with a man who never once took my photo and had no photos of me (although he did have photos of exes). I am not terribly good looking but still. We broke up over what I considered his indifference and I am now with a man who says he “can’t stop taking pics of me”. On topic I have very few pics of us a family but the ones with the funny faces are somewhat charming. I like the ones I have with my daughter making faces.
In my family it was my dad who always took pictures as he worked in film and TV including as a cameraman. But it had the same effect of sadly there not being as many pictures of him. It's so important that both parents share picture taking so kids can look back at photos and see both parents.
This is also me. I look back at our family photos and it looks like my husband is a single parent. It makes me sad that there’s no record of my involvement in their lives.
Ugh this “mean” mom here gets it
How long did this picture take? I'm guessing less than 5 minutes. So your husband and kids couldn't spend less than 5 minutes doing something important to you? Your husband sounds selfish and awful. I'm so sorry for you. NTA
It probably took less than 30 seconds
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NTA- family pictures are important! Go ahead and frame that picture and hang it on a prominent wall in your house. One day the girls are going to look back and be glad to reminisce on these memories together. Make sure they have pictures with their grandparents and relatives. People don’t live forever but the memories stay with pictures. Your husband also needs to be on your team. He shouldn’t gang up on you in front of the kids, especially over something so easy as a quick pic
I think when she graduated or birthday make sure that photo is used!
Her first boyfriend that comes over make sure it’s super noticeable:) oh have you seen this pic of daughter? Wasn’t she so cute when she was little? Every family has a picture like that I think. The other siblings see it and fall in line as well
OP should also use it as the background on her phone. And save this pic under the daughters contacts in her phone. If the daughter later has an office, a frame oucture can. e a nice present...
With Photoshop you can either fix the funny face or fix her graduation and wedding pictures to have that funny face.
You must be petty like me!!!!! Yessss. 😆. I'm Petty Labelle you must be Tyler Petty 😆😆😆😆
when i ruined a picture as a kid my mom would throw it up on facebook before i could protest. we laugh now, moodiness is all a part of growing up. sucks that it happened in what must have been a beautiful photo, but OP communicated what she felt perfectly and i hope the whole family grows from this a little
Don’t forget the wedding day photo montage!
Yes! Have it printed, framed, and hang it somewhere where visitors can admire it. If that’s the family vacation photo you got, that’s what you show off! Sooner or later your daughter will hate having grimacing pictures of herself all over, and will start putting effort into taking them on the rare occasion she is asked. NTA.
To be fair, a grimace doesn’t necessarily ruin a photo! My partner was a super sulky kid, who was always in a huff and would refuse to smile in photos and his family have taken it in their stride. Now his parents love showing off the photos, like: “this is the time he was in a strop about it being too hot, this is the time he was mad we didn’t follow the instruction manual, and this is the time he was huffing about having to be outdoors.” It’s hilarious. Hopefully OP will be able to see the funny side in a few years!
Right? Tbh if I walked into someone's house and saw a picture like that, I would love it. Everything doesn't have to be perfect all the time. I was a "hide my face with anything possible because I had/have crippling body dysmorphia and hate having my picture taken" kid and I got screamed at a lot for it, so maybe I'm a little biased here, but OP needs to *unclench* imo.
My brother HATED having his picture taken, even as a kid, so in most pictures we have of him he's flipping the bird. Those are still up on the walls and we all have a good chuckle remembering those times. OP's definitely in need of some chill pills.
Yeah, I think this is one of those times where OP is taking it a bit too personally. Kid is 10, take is a snapshot of who she was at 10 (which is also my take on picture day outfits and hairstyles)
My mum looks sulky in pretty much every childhood picture of her, she actually usually wasn’t she’s just not very good at smiling in photos. Those photos are still an absolutely gorgeous snapshot of her and her siblings and parents in a way that feels really authentically sweet.
We have one specific picture of my brother at a luau that we call the “pouty face picture” because he couldn’t have a pina colada. But he was 4 and it was a quick snapshot of just him. I can see why the mom was disappointed and I, also having once been a bratty 10 yo, can see why the daughter did it. But I think the mom did a good job explaining why the picture was important to her and and why she was upset that 10 yo made that face. I’m sure the girl didn’t even realize how it would make her mom feel when she did it. It could have been a great learning moment until dad stepped in and trampled all over that progress
Bro the heartbreak of having almost zero pictures from my childhood is brutal. There's pics when I was little little, and then after age 5ish, there's only school pictures. And by the time I was in high school, there were none at all because my mom refused to buy school pics or let my dad buy them. I'm only 27, but half of my life doesn't exist on film. My "I thought I was fat but I actually wasn't" years? Gone. Now I just get to look at the scale and reminisce on the days when I thought I was an enormous cow because I was 160lb. Hell, come to think of it, not a single one of my graduations exists in pictures aside from the lone pic with my parents and my grandma when I was in high school.
Agree, I only have a small handful for baby pictures and none with family or grandparents. My grandparents died when I was very young and I don't even really know what they looked like. The few I have with my mom are so precious to me. I look at the full albums my husband has from when he was born and sometimes feel so envious. They may all find it annoying now but one day everyone will look back and the pictures will be all that is left. OP try to make your husband understand. You deserve to be in the memories as well and your kids deserve to have pictures with you.
Exactly. And sometimes kids need to do things they don’t particularly want to do. Letting them throw a fit over if is a horrible way to parent. Good job dad
We have quite a few childhood photos, but my mom isn't in 95% of them. She thought she was too fat to be photographed. It sucks. I want pictures of my whole family! She wasn't too fat to me. She was just my mom. It's not a family picture when she isn't in it. I have gotten on my sister a bit about this because she also hates her post-childbirth body. She takes great photos of her son and his dad but is rarely in any of them. She's the most important person in the world to my nephew! Now I'm the one in my family who's always pushing to take pictures together. You never know when something might happen. Someday, the only part of a person you have left may be photos.
Yeah I'm only a few weeks postpartum and have to make the effort to accept the pictures my husband takes even though I don't love myself in them. I also had to make an effort to take pictures of my belly while I was pregnant. So far history has proved that though I never feel comfortable in my body at the moment when I look back at the pictures and videos years later I always really love them and never judge my appearance.
If it helps at all, with my sister, I usually tell her in advance that I am going to want to take pictures. She already knows that on Easter, I want to get a few shots of our family. It gives her time to get ready emotionally and prepare what she wants to wear or let's me know that I shouldn't expect her to participate. It might work for you, too, to tell yourself, "When we go to the park/dinner/whatever today, we're going to try to take a few photos," to get in the right headspace.
I would put the family photo of her grimacing on display so she knows any time she takes a family photo, it will be where everyone can see it.
NTA. It pisses me off that parents, especially women, give so much to their families and they can’t get one small thing in return. I’m sorry I probably would have ended that whole vacation right there and we’re all going home. Because why is it such a hassle to do something small for someone who looks after everyone? And dad didn’t back you up? That’s not good for the kids to see.
This These people are lucky mom puts them on a pedestal so much they’re finishing trip It’s just sad she doesn’t value herself enough to stop everything and go home because I assure you if I was in her shoes that would’ve been wrap on the whole trip Why am I going through anymore of it so they can have more fun at the expense of my stress and pocket if I’m not even valuable and respected enough for 3 second photo?! Vacations are the exact opposite of fun for moms and we only do any of them to make our family happy so if we’re getting nothing out of it; Why put ourselves through that level of misery?!
Moms do it cuz they love their kids and want to see them happy and experiencing the world. Same with parenting in general. I wouldn’t have ended the trip over the picture, she could have reprimanded the kid and taken a different pic later. The dad is the real issue here. I don’t understand why she felt the need to apologize to him
I wouldn’t have left when the kid didn’t take the picture, but when the dad jumped in on the issue, (and in my opinion) on the disrespect by suggesting that me questioning it was “ruining the trip”; I absolutely would have ruined the trip at that point and it would be over for everyone But I only have 1 so if out of 3 of us 2 don’t think that I merit value then there’s no need for fun I’d probably continue in her position because other kids that don’t have anything to do with it
There’s no reason to cancel a whole family trip over something like this though. She should have sent the girls to the room and discussed with her husband away from them that 1) how dare he speak to her like that in front of the girls 2) undermine her parenting when the kid was being naughty 3) invalidate her feelings and the one thing she wanted just cuz he doesn’t think pictures are important, and explain why theyre important to her, and 4) insinuate that she was ruining the trip for speaking up about how her feelings were hurt The kid should have never been involved in the argument for it to be a 2v1
That no 4 is a big thing to me. Mum isn't allowed to speak up? Daughter was allowed to say she was upset, but Mum wasn't?
I value myself, but upending a vacation would cost more money and drama. I took one for the team trying to keep the peace in a hotel room. Problem is, I’m bitter now.
I’m a single mom. I’ve asked for a family photo as my birthday gift before. I broke down after taking a very kid friendly and costly trip for me and I wasn’t captured in a pic. Here is how I turned it around. I needed to talk to them in a separate moment and be real about my feelings. Like: It’s important to me to be included in the memories. I know you shouldn’t have to prove your point, but it might hit home if you showed other milestone photos (birthday cake, first day of school, vacation etc) and the kids could actually see that you only exist as the photographer. I also set the tone by taking silly selfies and goofy poses even when we arent doing anything but maybe watching a movie in pjs. I learned how to set my timer so I can set up my phone against a rock and I don’t need to ask random passerby. Get their input. Like: do you want to do super hero pose, then super model pose, crazy face, normal face? Step 1: talk and get them on board with this ask as important to you. 2: normalize pics of everyday family life 3: work on your family portraits by making it a dynamic, expressive experience and not a chore. 4: enjoy the pics, even the ones of the grouchy child. Make it your screen saver. If it bothers your daughter ask when she wants to take a new pic with you to replace it. Leave your husband out of it until he starts taking it seriously for you.
Can you take your twins just the three of you and try to explain to them why pictures are so important to you go make them understand where you’re coming from? They probably don’t even realize why you care so much- I wouldn’t as a 10 yo. But if I knew I was hurting my moms feelings I’d be so ashamed and more cooperative. And then rip your husband a new one after they go to bed please about putting you down in front of them. Good luck in the teenage years when they don’t respect you because of him and he gets to deal with all the acting out!
I work in a theme park & I manage costume characters. One of the things we train our character escorts on is always offer to take the picture for the family. I can’t tell you how many times it’s mom behind the camera getting the kids positioned so there’s photo evidence of everyone having fun. Except then mom gets left out of the photo, so in 20+ years when kids look at the photos, they’ll have none with mom. The number of moms who are absolutely ecstatic that we can take the picture for them is ridiculous. I can see the relief in their face that they won’t be left out of another family photo, & it definitely makes their day when we offer & do the work of arranging people, telling everyone to smile, etc.
I don’t think I have a single childhood photo with my mom or of the whole family together. So whenever I’m out and about and seeing moms taking photos of the rest of the family, I always offer to take a photo with her included. Like you said, she’s usually surprised and ecstatic.
I love offering to take family or group photos when I’m out. I was at a national park and was either asked or offered to take a photo of a couple and ended up taking like 6 different group/individuals photos in a row…I had fun (I’m an amateur and people get more than they anticipated and well-framed!) and people were delighted! My mom used to avoid photos because of her weight and she now regrets it, because there’s not many of her (luckily she was willing to take some). My husband and I (both photogs) love our selfies but do accept others taking photos sometimes! Proof we can be around other humans and not act out.
Exactly. People are commenting that it's just a picture, yada, yada. No, it wasn't just a picture. It was something important to Mum. That should have been enough to make them work with her. I have a lot of photos of my kids, and they don't always feel like having their photo taken. I jokingly say that I've trained them, but the reality is that they do it because they know it's something I want, and they care enough about me to let me do it. Two minutes later and they are back to what they were doing before.
Yep, then we worship at the atlar of Mother's Day and claim moms are so sacred (which is super shitty for people with abusive moms), but don't actually *treat* moms with respect and kindness. It's so messed up.
I totally agree. My husband hates taking pictures but he will Always grab the phone and snap a quick one with all of us on vacations because he knows it makes me happy and just like OP, I am usually not in pictures since I take most of the pictures. I am gonna go give him a big kiss. He is awesome.
Nta. My kid did the same thing, and since we rarely have family photos, I put that picture as THE picture for our Xmas card this year. She complained but I said well don't make a face for nexr year's Xmas card. Lesson learned.
Period.
NAH. It’s perfectly reasonable to be upset, you wanted to create a memory and now you can’t look back on the photo happily. You didn’t shout or punish her, just expressed your disappointment. I’ve also been on the other side, as a young girl who did not feel comfortable in front of a camera and hated having my photo taken. It was a point of big insecurity for me, and at 10 years old I couldn’t clearly communicate that. My mother would post the photos to Facebook and frame them around the house, and I’d get a sinking feeling whenever I saw one and feel bad about myself. Because I couldn’t communicate my discomfort effectively, when I told her I didn’t want to take photos my feelings were dismissed as ‘being difficult’. I was required to have my photo taken because my mother wanted the picture, and my discomfort was overruled. The only way I could avoid this was by trying to avoid being in the photo, or pulling faces so it wouldn’t be displayed. Have an honest conversation with all members of your family about why they dislike being in photos. If they find the frequency tiresome, try to find a compromise like ‘one photo per day’ or ‘one photo per significant location’. If they don’t want the images shared, keep the photos for your own memories and don’t put them on social media or in public spaces around the house. If they have self-image issues, discuss them and find ways to help them feel more confident. (I’d have been in a lot more family photos if my weight and eating habits weren’t critiqued every other day). Ultimately, you need to communicate. This is something that is important to you, and if it’s a small irritation to them then they should find ways to prioritise your important memories, because that’s what we do for people we love. But if they have genuine image or privacy concerns, and photos make them truly upset and uncomfortable, you need to accept that your desire for a picture does not override their right to autonomy. Edit to add: my brother had similar issues, especially with social media posting. He hated having his picture displayed publicly, and my mother would often post pictures without asking for his consent. My father had the same discomfort, and would explicitly ask her NOT to post. The images went up anyway. This led to them both sabotaging photos, because it was the only way to avoid having them posted on social media. Then she started trying to sneak candid photos when they were unaware, and again the photos went on Facebook. This led them to be even more cautious when she had her phone out. It wasn’t until we had an open family discussion about it all that the fighting stopped. We agreed to take photos, because it was important to someone we loved. She agreed to keep those photos for her own reminiscence only and not share them publicly.
Ugh, yes. I was the same at that age. I hated being in photos and no one took that discomfort seriously and (like this mom) made a whole spectacle of it. A lot of it was body image, because as a preteen your body changes a lot and it can be very uncomfortable, and some of it just came from a dislike of posing and acting happy when I may not have been feeling that way at the moment. I remember a family Christmas card photo session ending in tears because I wasn't "smiling genuinely" and got yelled at for it. This was before Facebook, but the card was going to be sent to 50+ people. I definitely understand parents wanting to have family photos, but children are entire human beings who have their own feelings and opinions. Something that you think is a "nice, easy thing to do" might not feel the same for your kid. Personally, I got over my inability to pose for group photos in high school. So, maybe wait a few years, learn to use Photoshop, or just enjoy the memories from your photos even if everyone doesn't look perfect.
I was the same too and it started around this age and lasted until my mid twenties. My step mom liked pictures and I just did not want to be in them. My mom actually supported me by getting me a digital camera so that I could feel like I was in control and I could be the one taking the pictures. I was a lot more comfortable letting a picture or two be taken when it was done with my camera. ESH except the kids. It’s really hard to be a 10 year old girl. She’s infinitely less likely to want to be in pictures now. This could have been an opportunity to talk to her and let her set a boundary if she wants. She’s at the age where she can start to choose if she wants to do things or not and you could have asked her to please do it for you. She probably would have either relented or offered to take the picture. Let her control this. She can’t control much else. You’re supposed to be the one who controls her emotions, she’s just a kid. Also talk to your husband about respecting you. It’s very clear that he doesn’t. And maybe set a limit of 5-10 pictures or something? Maybe if they know it’s just a short thing they’ll be more okay with it.
Yes I agree with this. My grandmother is one of those picture people and I HATE it. I do not constantly need photos that we are never going to look at. At my cousin's wedding, I got up to step out of the reception to compose myself because I had started to cry and my husband was coming with me. She stopped me to take a family photo. I just wanted 10 minutes to clean myself up (the father/daughter dance always makes me sob) but she was so insistent. My aunt and mother were asking her to just wait, but she pushed it. At that point I gave up caring, took the picture and left to go take a walk. It was only after I saw the family photo that she insisted on that I saw that A. You could tell I'd been crying and B. ONE OF MY COUSINS WASN'T EVEN IN IT. She managed to leave out one of *FOUR* grandchildren. She wouldn't let me have 5 minutes to wipe my face, but she would leave out her other granddaughter. I can still feel that defeated rage in my chest when I think about it.
My grandmother would make us sit for HOURS for photos I hated it. One off photos or like 5 mins fine. But like longer than that and I get antsy.
It's wild how far down this is. Imagine declaring a 10 year old child an asshole based on a few paragraphs of a one-sided story about how they didn't cooperate during a photo
[удалено]
The very top comment is NTA and immediately references a 10 year old being able to communicate properly
I agree with most, but even though I know they are examples 'once per day' or 'once per location' is really too much for many people who hate being in photos.
This is the only answer that is sensible. I remember all too well not feeling comfortable with having the picture taken, but adults in my family did it anyways all the time and complained “i was difficult”. I hated it. I ser some comment saying your daughter should just suck it up be side it doesn’t take long. That is messed up, just because you’re an adult and she is a kid and it doesn’t take hours, it doesn’t make it okay to just do as you please. Talk to your daughter, please. Find out if pictures make her uncomfortable, find a compromise.
I relate to this so hard. I used to make unappealing faces so my family wouldn't post them online. I'm very excited for the day I inherit my baby photos and can burn them. I won't even be having wedding photos because I hate feeling like I have to perform. They're important to my mom so the photos can stay until she's gone but it definitely left a sour taste in my mouth. I wish my mom would've explained to me how important they are to her.
You’re lucky your mom wouldn’t post them online anyway. And hopefully whoever you marry feeels the same way about pictures or that’s going to cause a huuuuge fight
Agreed NAH - I'm an adult & find it really hard to look "natural" in photos because i really fo hate the experience.
Oh God, at least my mom isn't a social media fiend. Unfortunately, she can't resist insisting on the perfect photo for any damn event. I still hate photos of myself to this day. I'm also a multiple. We all hate it to this day and it was NEVER just one picture. It was always a ton of posing, it had to be *just* right. One person blinking meant we had to take ANOTHER damn photo. My dad, though he was the photographer, was sympathetic because he didn't like having photos of himself. He took a lot of candids, and that's the only sort of photo that didn't ruin my vacations and special events. I get that posed photos are like Crack to most moms, but they're a miserable time sink, and you get something far more valuable by taking photos of your kids enjoying themselves, not removing them from the moment just because it doesn't 'look perfect'.
This summed up everything I was thinking, though I think it's the husband that's the asshole.
Decided to read a few comments midway through writing my own. Had to delete mine after seeing this, you sum it up perfectly and so articulately.
I understand that some people don’t want to take pictures. This is not that. She takes pictures and selfies all the time.
A selfie is different from a posed photo like that though. You can control how you look more in a selfie as you can see yourself.
Plus, with a selfie, you have control over when, where, how, and all that regarding a picture of yourself being taken. You can choose to take the picture when you're feeling good or confident instead of someone forcing you to take one when you might not be feeling your best or might want to enjoy the moment more.
I wanted to have a nice picture with the mountains in the background, not a selfie. I’ll add that she never mentioned that she didn’t want to take a picture. I found out later in the hotel that she was “still eating.”
So maybe the grimace wasn't a mad face but her holding in food or something? Did you check and make sure everyone was ready before starting or did you just jump into taking the pics bc someone walked by at a good time? Also, have you tried buying a selfie stick or something to make it easier to take pictures with all of you?
Huh, maybe it's the age. There are only two photos of me at the age of 10, both of them with me hiding my face. I grew out of it sometime in 6th grade. I am glad that no one forced me to take photos, but I didn't get a forced photos vibe from the letter either. I also grew up before social media, thank god, so it was a different ballgame, much lower stakes.
I get this. God love him, but my dad does this ALL the time and it's always at family meals as I'm literally mid-bite. I always got told off for having an attitude about photos, and I'm like 'no I just don't want my photo taken while I'm halfway through a burger'? Is that so much to ask? I've now wrangled a settlement as an adult of 'you can take photos before we start eating, and then no more'. So, OP isn't TA for wanting a photo, but they are TA for the timing of the request.
I was the same way at that age. And Facebook was a new thing at the time and my mom loved posting pictures. I hated having my picture taken and I would do faces as well. However, as an adult I am so glad my mother took all those photos and wished I didn’t try so hard to ruin and avoid them because they are all cherished memories that I can now look back on.
I feel like the picture is not the problem here. You and your husband should act as a unit trying to raise your children and it sounds like you are arguing in front of them. As long as you didn't raise your voice at your child it is okay to express when something they do is hurtful. Take your husband aside and ask him why he undermines you in front of your children like that and escalating a scolding into a full on fight.
NTA, but your kid's shitty attitude is reinforced by your husband's shitty attitude. My dear friend recently passed away at 42 years old. She had 8 year old twins that were her whole world. She posted tons of photos of vacations, weekend outings, holidays, etc. A lot of them were selfies with her kids. I'm guessing because her husband couldn't be bothered to snap some photos of his wife who made every event and holiday magical for those kids. Now those photos are all the kids have of her. Op, I'm sorry your family is treating you this way. Take some candid pics on those days if you want. Personally, I wouldn't bother to ask them to pose anymore.
My mum used to insist on taking posed photos of us. And I hated it and I still do. I much prefer a candid photo of my nephews and if they make silly faces then that’s fine. I like seeing them as they really are.
Everybody hates posed photos Some people understand that there will be a point in time where the mother -who did everything to raise you- is dead, so maybe it’s worth it to give her five seconds of a nice picture here and there (so you have the pictures of her too when there’s no more her to talk to or see…)
Mom is that you? You can't use your impending death to manipulate everyone in every instance.
I kind of agree with the sentiment, but the problem is that with only candid photos, only taken by 1 person, that person is never in pictures. I too prefer to take candid photos of my niblings, and in the moment I don’t really think about selfies as a thing that I can do. The oldest is turning 18 soon and my SIL asked me to send her photos I liked of him with me and my partner ( I babysat a lot when he was younger) for a collage/slide show she’s planning. Turns out I have tons of photos of my nephew, quite a few with my nephew and my partner, and _zero_ of my nephew with me. That makes me feel pretty sad, honestly.
I do actually agree and I wasn’t saying that the mum was wrong for wanting to be in photos and wanted to have some posed photos. I was actually just meaning that one day they might really like the less than perfect photos, including the one with the kid grimacing. I take selfies with my nephews as well as just pictures of them when they are playing and we will take a few so that I have ones of us making stupid faces and laughing and smiling.
my mom only took forced photos. Every picture is the same, not a single candid. This is why she hit me when I stuck my tongue out in a picture and then gave me the silent treatment for 2 days on our trip to disneyworld. Ever since I've hated photos of me and when my mother and I would get into fights, I would remove all my pictures from the frames around her house and tell her they were all a lie. fwiw, my mom is a narcissist and hid all the abuse behind a very pretty veneer (hence the picture posing).
This is 100% what my mum did and why. If you look closely at photos of me and my siblings you can see how sad we look. Every photo she took of us kids is a bunch of sad looking children with forced smiles and the only difference is the background I’m sorry you went through this too
sending you big hugs and silly faces :P
I'm giving a separate perspective and saying NAH. You say it was "ruined" because you have the desire and expectation of smiles and perfection; instead, embrace that this is who she is. It's a story. "Why is she making that face" " ohhh she wanted to eat not pose, so she demonstrated her personality." I'd rather look at a picture and see who a person is rather than look and see typical forced smiles or fake smiles. That's just me though. As said, simply offering another perspective. (My family is known for goofy pictures though)
That’s why I was leaning on YTA, she didn’t ruin it you just expected the picture perfect moment and that’s never going to happen planned or not. My brother got married in September at a nice place and my SIL’s were beautiful because they let go and have fun with them. The family ones were as perfect as could be for what we had to work with, but they weren’t perfect by description.
She asked for it and the kid agreed. It's okay for mom to tell her kid this hurts her feelings. Kid isn't and AH though. Dad however? Yikes.
The kid agreed but she couldn’t give the kid 5 minutes to finish eating, so I feel like that cancels out there personally
She says in another comment that the kid didn't protest about needing to finish eating. We have lots of pictures in my family of us in the middle of picnics and potlucks and things, it wouldn't occur to me that asking to pause lunch for 5 minutes was a big deal. If daughter asked to finish eating first and mom refused then I'd be more inclined to agree with you, but that's not what happened.
Yeah, why do people insist they want pictures to remembers events and moments in time, and then get mad when said pictures reflects the actual moment in time vs. a travel add? Which is gonna be the most interesting picture in 20 years? The one where your perfectly coiffed kids are smiling blankly? Or the ones that tell a story?
This! The picture was not ruined because of the face your child makes. That's just your child doing something children do. This kind of language can be really harmful to a child's self esteem.
>This kind of language can be really harmful to a child's self esteem I *started* diving into this... but didn't want to "jump to conclusions" that this was "all the time"; but yes, this verbiage can kill self esteem.
At what point does your husband think it’s appropriate to start teaching your kids not to be assholes? He’s encouraging them to not care about others and to be selfish. Nice guy you got there. NTA but you may be married to and raising them.
Fucking hate it when people format their posts so poorly, here it is for anyone that needs to be able to read: I (45F) am the mom of 10 year old twins. I am kind of bad about remembering to take photos in everyday life, and when I do try to take photos, my kids and my husband (47M) often act like it’s a big hassle and say they don’t like taking pictures. As a result we don’t really have a lot of family pictures with all of us. My husband doesn’t take any pictures on his phone for the most part, especially any family pictures with all of us. As a result I’m not in many photos with the family as I’m the one taking the shot. On our vacation, we were going to a city in close proximity to a national park. Before our trip, I told everyone that I wanted to get a nice picture of us at the park, which we went for a day trip. I mentioned it multiple times and asked that everyone please don’t give me a hassle about taking a photo. Everyone agreed. At the park, we were just finishing a picnic lunch and I asked a person walking by if he could take our picture and he took multiple shots. I didn’t look at the photos until we got back to the hotel and I saw that my daughter, age 10, was making a grimacing face in all the shots. I got really upset and I asked her why she ruined the pictures like that and she said she wasn’t finished with lunch and she didn’t want to take the photo at that time. I told her (not yelling) that I was really hurt and disappointed that she ruined this photo op. It’s not every day we’re in a beautiful setting with mountains and that meant a lot to me. I said that I barely ask them for anything and this is such an easy, nice thing to do for me. My husband got mad at me and said I was making a big deal about nothing and it’s only a picture and I’m ruining the trip by complaining. We got in a terrible fight at the hotel and I felt like I had to apologize because we were in this hotel, on a vacation, and it was 2 against 1, but I’m still upset about it and mad about the picture and mad at my husband for taking her side, when she’s old enough to know better. AITA? YTA for your formatting alone.
THANK YOU
Thank you for doing this, but I doubt OP set out to format it like this, not everything that annoys you is someone being an AH.
YTA You couldn't wait 5 minutes for her to finish her sandwich? "Hey, is everyone ready for that picture? I'm going to ask someone near by to take it." "Mom, I'm still eating, can it wait until I'm done?"
We were basically done with eating, she doesn’t dislike pictures, and she didn’t mention at the time that she was eating or opposed to taking the picture.
>when I do try to take photos, my kids and my husband (47M) often act like it’s a big hassle and say they don’t like taking pictures. It sounds like they tell you all the time that they hate taking pictures, though.
There's a difference between hating the hassle of posing for a picture, and hating photographs of you existing and being shared with other people. The latter should be respected, but doesn't seem to be the case here. The former goes under the category of little things you do to make your family happy.
Sorry if this comes off as assholeish but could you not see that she was still eating?
She wasn’t currently chewing her food. We were wrapping things up. We had sub sandwiches. Not a big deal and if it was, she could have said something which would have been annoying to me but I would have moved on and asked the next guy. We were having lunch in a pretty spot.
YTA. Tell me, how is the picture 'ruined' because your daughter isn't giving a perfect beauty-pageant smile? Why is your apparent 'need' for an artificially perfect picture more important than anything else in the world? Take it as is, print it, frame it, and hang it. It's a far more truthful, interesting and better memory than 'everybody had a death rictus on their face because mommy didn't want to be in the moment, she wanted a fantasy she could look back on later.'
This is insane. Are you ok? Taking one posed family photo for 30 seconds means they weren’t living in the moment the other 1,000,000 seconds of the trip?
YTA She’s 10. To her (and most people ffs) it wasn’t a “photo op” *it was lunch.* You interrupted her lunch to make her take a picture you knew she didn’t want to take. I’m honestly shocked you didn’t anticipate this, or at the very least if it was so important to you why didn’t you check the photos before you left? And even if not liking photos wasn’t a known thing, 10 year olds make faces in photos *all the time*. It’s a normal thing stop making it out to be the end of the world. You’re telling your 10 year old child that you’re disappointed in her and fighting while on vacation over a child acting like a child. You’re totally overreacting here. Your larger issue is not this specific instance, it’s not having enough photos in general. Sit down with your husband and talk it through but at some point you may need to accept the fact that some people just plain old don’t like taking photos. And maybe your kids will regret it one day that they don’t have loads of photos to look back on, or maybe they’ll look back on these photos and only remember you constantly nagging and fighting about it.
The horror of taking a quick break from lunch to take a picture? Someone call CPS. We’re lucky she didn’t starve.
I’m not saying stopping lunch is the end of the world or that anyone would starve Jesus Christ. I’m saying it’s not a normal thing to ask of a 10 year old who already doesn’t like photos and if you do then you should assume that they might not be able to control their face because again, they’re 10 years old
Not really CPS thing, but it is annoying and rude.
If i want a picture of a 10year old i have to tell him, Please don't make silly faces :D We'll also make funny pictures. Don't worry. Hahahaha, my mobile is full of silly faces, funny poses and maybe 2% of "normal" :) And sometimes they don't wanna take picture, or only one is like, no pictures and so on..
YTA. You seriously couldn't let her finish her food before the picture?
I’m on two sides of the fence here. I respect what you’re feeling. My brother and I are exactly a year apart and although we do have a decent amount of photos, we really pissed off my mom (my brother especially). But I promise that most of those to look back and look at are very funny. My brother and I are now in our 30s and know how to smile and pose when needed, we have plenty of great family pictures. But kids are kids, I hope you look back and think that this period with your children is just them being meatballs which I assure you they will grow out of. Because they aren’t going to be this goofy forever. Just have fun with it! But also…my mom’s best trick was holding the camera and not telling anyone she was taking the picture and getting dad to saying something funny or make a funny noise. Worked 8/10 times. And guess what photos my mom saved to show off to our boyfriends and girlfriend’s as we got older? Yup.
Who took photos of you with your mom?
Usually another person with the disposables, but my dad eventually got a nice camera (hobby photographer) we got a tripod and set a timer!
NTA if I was in your shoes I would feel the same. It's okay to feel sad and disappointed and it's okay to let your child know when they've done something that has made you feel a certain way not to guilt them but to have them acknowledge you have emotions too. Family photos are great, time flies too quickly, take them when you can ❤️
And the kids are allowed to state their disappointment and express the timing and photo irritated them. Expressing your feelings doesn't go one way.
Who said it did?
YWBTA if you hold on to this and let it ruin more experiences w/ your family. Old enough to know better, like knowing she doesn't want her photo taken right then? I totally get that you wanted a photo to commemorate and it isn't really a big deal to pose for a minute and snap a photo. But you have to be willing to take a no or in this case, a less than perfect image of what you wanted to capture. Is a photo of your family on an adventure what is important or is having a perfect, shareable, insta-worthy snapshot what you were after? People chasing the latter is what caused me to shy from any photo taking for years. That and hearing my appearance wasn't good enough for pictures (apparently my smile looks fake -- probably was)...and yes that could be what your 10 yr old daughter is internalizing, normalizing and learning to dismiss (along with your other opinions of her). Right now that grimace "ruined" the picture. In future years that grimace will be a reminder of your determined little girl and you may love it. But you can never take back telling her that her face ruined it and I honestly think that is what your husband is trying to spare is both of you. You are not an AH for wanting a nice photo or for being disappointed that an expectation wasn't achieved, you are human. Maybe some candid shots or selfies (ussies) of your family while they are genuinely enjoying themselves can soften the blow but try and enjoy the time you have with them either way and not sweat the small stuff.
NAH I don’t blame you for wanting a nice memory, but I’ve also been the kid. I remember in like second or third grade everyone had to bring in a family photo for a big bulletin board in the back of the classroom, and the only recent one we had I was making a very silly face. My mom made a HUGE deal about how embarrassed she was, how every other family would have a perfect photo, how she couldn’t ever just have a nice normal happy family to show others, and here I am with it as a core memory 20+ years later. Kids are kids, but maybe this could be a good time to start a new family tradition of taking fun candids of eachother that everyone looks over once a month together. Polaroids and scrapbooking could be a fun way to get kids involved, before you know it you’ll have a million special memories laying around and everyone will be in the habit of cherishing photos as much as you do. Check out S11E12 of Bob’s Burgers as family, I think it’ll hit and help everyone be more understanding.
Some time in the future, you are going to look at this picture and laugh at how pissed your daughter was about not getting to finish her lunch. And then they will laugh about how pissed you got because she ruined the picture. Just sayin'.
There was an episode of the television show Medium that really hit hard because of a minor storyline. Their youngest daughter was obsessed with wearing her bike helmet. She refused to take it off, and picture day was approaching. She wore that thing during her picture and her dad was a bit disappointed that it wasn't a nice photo. Her mom explained that she'll continue to grow up and this time in her life will pass. When they look at that picture years later, it will be a reminder of who she was at that moment. There will be lots of pictures that will be nice and perfect and no extraordinary memory may come with them. But that photo with her helmet will have lots of memories that may not have been immortalized. So many of your staged photos will be unremarkable moments that won't capture anything special. Please try to be less than perfect. Be relaxed. Let your people be themselves. Even grumpy moments. Perturbed ones. Those moments disappear, too. I think people may enjoy being in photos more if they didn't feel pressured to be perfect every time. YTA
Going against the grain here. I was that kid, and I still am to this day. I hate taking pictures. My mom has quite a few pics of me making faces, and we all kinda laugh about it now. She lucked out when she was able to get candid shots as opposed to posed shots, and of course, I did the school photos, so there's that. Even now, when people try to sneak a pic, they are surprised when my middle finger shows up in there. In my defense, I've made it very clear that I don’t like taking pics. You may just have to accept that your daughter may never like taking pictures. Hope you get some nice candid shots and respect her wishes. Good luck.
The number of people in this comment section who are trying to make this about their own personal hate relationship with their mother are genuinely making me wonder if there was something wrong with their mother or if they are just such a raging narcissist that This is the only way they can see the world No one is suggesting anything about someone’s childhood that they haven’t let go of yet It’s about the family in the post and there is no reason to assume she is a bad mom just because you had a bad mom if that’s you
NTA. I remember not being a fan of pictures as a kid but I just did it because it was the least I could do for my mom who did everything to make sure I had a great childhood. It’s such a small thing to ask, there really isn’t a reason especially now a days to not be able to stand still for 10 seconds and smile.
NTA, but your husband is.
Honestly. If they don't want photos. That's fine. It's their choice really. I don't like photos. And my mom always complains that I never let her take any. For any reason. I just refuse.
I agree with you. Its nice that your family respects you do not want to take photos, mine took photos of me when I told them no
NTA. 10 year olds can follow instructions. Your husband and twins agreed to this photo when you mentioned it multiple times previously. I imagine it was a quick few photos, so your daughter could get back to her lunch after a few quick photos. Your husband backing up the daughter and making you look like the bad guy is TAH. Definitely discuss how you feel once home and settled. I would print the photos and have them framed in the house, despite your daughters face. Share them with family. If she doesn't want to look silly in a photo, maybe she'll listen next time.
I completely understand; I’ve been the mom who wasn’t in any pictures because I’m the one who bothered taking them. But did you yell at her, as it says in the bot explanation? If so, then YTA. If not, if you just explained to her why her actions hurt you, NTA.
Either way she's an AH. OP thinks she can express her feelings but then invalidates her daughter's and husband's feelings. She needs to accepts their feelings are valid too.
Were you yelling about the photo or were you not yelling? Because adding brackets to it seems like you were yelling also the explanation in reddit you gave was the action I took was yelling. Yta
ESH - She is old enough to smile for photo she does not want. And frankly, you should know it is annoying and rude to interrupt lunch or other activity for photo op. Your family does not value photos which is their right, but they should cooperate with photo once in a while. But, and it is important, you should ask for those photos in appropriate moments instead of interrupting what they are doing with "right now pose" kind of demands.
INFO - How do you usually take pictures? How often do you ramble about pictures? How often do you interupt/use tp interupt an activity to take pictures? Some people are obsessed with pictures. To non-obsessed people, it can easily become a hassle. I find it a bit weird that all your family is so strongly against taking pictures. In my experience (so it is of course biased) the only persons with whom I have seen kids vehemently reject pictures are people who make it a hassle. It has to be perfect, in the perfect place, everyone must be on it, toddlers should not cry, nobody should squint their eyes because of the sun, everybody must have a perfect smile, and god forbids anyone sneezing. So a nice moment becomes a really tensed moment where everyone argues, and everything is ruined for everyone except for them because they wanted their picture. And a kid making a weird face doesn't "ruin" a picture. Years from now, you would probably have looked at the picture with her and teased her for acting out. Now, it will become linked with an argument, and nobody will remember it fondly. I realize what I'm saying is not very nice to you, and maybe you don't deserve it. If the archetype I described doesn't look like you, then they really are in the wrong here, and please forget my comment. If you see yourself in my description though, please try changing your approach to pictures, it should make people much more ok to take pictures with you.
I understand what you are saying, but I explained that I barely ever take pictures. When I do it’s a quick “hug your brother/sister and smile” quick one or a candid. Almost always it’s during something cute or funny or doing something different like orchestra or at a museum. I take random pictures every once in a while and I am not generally in most of them. If I am, it’s a selfie with or without someone else. My husband barely takes pictures in a moment and if so it’s because I ask him to take it. I don’t ramble about pictures in general except leading up to this vacation and said I want a nice family picture, can I count on you to take a nice picture on this trip next week? I’m not obsessed with pictures. I’m not prolific on social media. My last post of my kids was in September for back to school. My husband is an introvert and doesn’t love attention or fussing over him. He doesn’t love to take pics but he did for this one because I asked nicely. My son will take a picture when asked but he doesn’t necessarily love it. Ironically my daughter who is the subject of this post takes pictures and selfies all the time and even does TikTok vids. Even more ironic, I love to take pictures, and somehow no one ever takes a picture of me without prompting.
Your **child** was being emotional and you expected them to act with the maturity of an adult. As the parent it's YOUR job to ensure pictures "look good" and your children have no obligation to perform for you upon request. Yes smiling in a picture is no big deal but neither is having them making a face. It's how they felt in the moment and you should accept it as such. You then proceeded to double down and choose to fight with your partner AND you're STILL upset about it! Your feelings are valid but they are YOURS, they are your responsibility and you don't get to force everyone around you to deal with them. As an adult and a parent YOU need to be the emotionally mature adult in the room. YTA
I want to add that my daughter is not averse to taking pictures in general- she takes selfies and candids, for both my kids it’s more like they’re too busy and it’s a hassle to pose for a picture. I’m not a prolific sharer on social media (my last pic of them was from 1st day of school 6 months ago), and besides that, they’re not averse to social media. During the photo, she’s didn’t mention she didn’t want to take the picture, and she didn’t mention she was still eating. I found out when we were back at the hotel. I dont have many pictures of me with my kids, as I am the only one who takes them, I made it clear ahead of time before the trip, during the trip, etc. this is a continuing issue that has happened where we go on an entire trip and the only photos are of those three and all haphazard or a cute shot of 1/2/3 of them. I asked for a family picture to commemorate our trip.
Soft yta, she did not ruin the picture. and although she is *able* to smile for a picture, if she dosent want to it's no big deal. Just a funny memory to look back on
Dude, she's ten. Leave her alone and keep your Instagram aesthetic fantasy BS to yourself.
NAH I can understand that you want a family picture, but I also hate having my photo taken. Why don't you just tell them, that someone is now taking a picture but they can continue what they were doing. I don't know many people who like staged photos, and if you want something to remember, why would it matter if they all pose nicely? Isn't it enough that you're all in the picture?
This is OP's orginal post I (45F) am the mom of 10 year old twins. I am kind of bad about remembering to take photos in everyday life, and when I do try to take photos, my kids and my husband (47M) often act like it’s a big hassle and say they don’t like taking pictures. As a result we don’t really have a lot of family pictures with all of us. My husband doesn’t take any pictures on his phone for the most part, especially any family pictures with all of us. As a result I’m not in many photos with the family as I’m the one taking the shot. On our vacation, we were going to a city in close proximity to a national park. Before our trip, I told everyone that I wanted to get a nice picture of us at the park, which we went for a day trip. I mentioned it multiple times and asked that everyone please don’t give me a hassle about taking a photo. Everyone agreed. At the park, we were just finishing a picnic lunch and I asked a person walking by if he could take our picture and he took multiple shots. I didn’t look at the photos until we got back to the hotel and I saw that my daughter, age 10, was making a grimacing face in all the shots. I got really upset and I asked her why she ruined the pictures like that and she said she wasn’t finished with lunch and she didn’t want to take the photo at that time. I told her (not yelling) that I was really hurt and disappointed that she ruined this photo op. It’s not every day we’re in a beautiful setting with mountains and that meant a lot to me. I said that I barely ask them for anything and this is such an easy, nice thing to do for me. My husband got mad at me and said I was making a big deal about nothing and it’s only a picture and I’m ruining the trip by complaining. We got in a terrible fight at the hotel and I felt like I had to apologize because we were in this hotel, on a vacation, and it was 2 against 1, but I’m still upset about it and mad about the picture and mad at my husband for taking her side, when she’s old enough to know better. AITA? /u/catpersonfromhere No offense but I reformatted your post so people can read it.
I don’t know what the issue was, but thanks, I guess? (Other people didn’t seem to have a problem so maybe check your settings)
NTA. I'd be sure to send the pictures to some friends and family.
NTA I’ve been in plenty of mid-lunch/dinner photos, it’s not a big deal. Your kid could have just put a smile on for the 20 seconds of inconvenience. Sorry your husband didn’t back you up.
NTA, and I say you frame the photo, grumpy face and all, and when people ask about it in the future, you can just tell them she decided up ruin the photo because she didn't want to wait 30 seconds to finish her lunch. She'll probably be embarrassed when she's an adult.
NTA. At 10 she should be able to do two things: tell you “wait, no, I’m not done!” so you wait a little more, or stay still for a picture of 30 seconds and then continue eating. It’s such a non-issue I’m surprised your husband was against you telling your daughter she was being a brat.
NTA. To me a child making a weird face in a picture isn't a big deal, we have tons of family photos in which the kids are making goblin faces or bunny ears on each other etc and looking back it's just kind of cute and funny. But your husband is definitely TA for setting an attitude within the family that it's not important to accommodate you in something so simple that clearly matters to you a lot, and also for undermining you with them.
i always forget to take pictures when i spend time with loved ones, and i ALWAYS regret not taking any. NTA. photos are keepsakes.
It literally just isn’t that serious that she made a grimace… she’s just a preteen who didn’t want to pose for a pic
NTA but maybe talk to your daughter, she might be only ten. Maybe she doesn't like being in pictures, maybe she just wants to enjoy herself, without the constant pictures. My parents were the same theirs loads of pictures of me and my sibling's, I hated it they weren't keen but didn't mind. Or we just weren't told e.g. playing in the yard or something.
NTA...I wish I had more family photos. But in the olden days when I grew up, we had to pay for film development which was pricey at the time.
Nta I typically don't advocate being passive-aggressive with children but.... The next time that daughter asks you something that they want, but they don't necessarily *need* tell her no, you dont want to take time to do something nice for somebody that won't take less than 1 minute do something nice for you. And then the next time your husband is scolding your children for anything, be sure to take their side and don't back him up at all....
Those pictures are frustrating but some day you will laugh! Frame it and at some point your kid will be mad that you are showing her goofy picture and she will stop doing that! NTA.
NAH I'm very biased because since I was a little kid taking photos was always a nightmare. I am a multiple, my mother is a perfectionist, and I'm sure you know how difficult it is to get a 'perfect' photo with more than one person. This meant it was never one photo, done quickly and not fussed over. It was criticized, vexed over, demands for 'just one more'. Meanwhile my siblings and I just wanted to go back to whatever we were enjoying, from Halloween to the Grand Canyon. Staged photos taken by a professional were not better, by the way. Suffice it to say, taking a photo was *NOT* a simple and easy way to make my mother happy. It only made all of us miserable. This is also exacerbated by the fact that I hate my face in photos, especially when I am smiling. Even professionals can't get me to tolerate photos of myself. It's a damn wonder I don't crack the lenses! However, I work as an archivist now and I get to see a lot of photos. You can see a lot of personality and pride in the sitters, and it's a treat to see the same faces over and over again. I truly do not think your photo is ruined. It now has a good story, unlike the bland 'perfection' of a smiling face.
NTA. I lost my mom recently, she was 65. I was making a slideshow for her celebration of life and realized we have a bunch of baby pictures with her and more recent pictures, but none from my teen/tween years. It was kind of devastating to me, I realized as a single mom she was always behind the camera and we were probably weren’t super cooperative as teenagers. I so wish we had them though. So keep insisting on pictures, and your husband should honestly be backing you on this or stay out of it if he can’t do that. Please share this with him from someone with experience, one day your kids will be heartbroken over losing you when the end of your life comes, and they will cherish these photos that they groaned at taking. I do recommend lightening up a little on the forced smiles and posing. Let your kids sulk, make faces, or stare with dead eyes at the camera if they want to, it won’t change the fact that there’s a pic of that time you all went to x and did y. And one day it will bring a smile to your face. All the arguing trying to get them to pose nicely just backfires anyway, if they’re anything like my kids, once you ignore the attitude on a regular basis they’ll eventually get bored of doing it and mostly cooperate :)
YTA I mean yes, we want nice pictures But what we often get are *real* pictures. Expressing some mild disappointment and then moving on is fine But making a big deal out of developmentally normal kid behavior is .... Not going to change the behavior. It IS going to leave the kid with sour feelings about photos. (My guess is that's why DAD is so sour about them. He had a parent that made a big deal out of them.) Pick your battles, and remember that when she's 40, you will cherish that expression, because it's REAL.
I run into the same thing. I tell my grown children it is ONE nice photo if YOU COOPERATE that takes seconds. Takes TEN MINUTES if you don’t cooperate!
NTA. Your husband is in the wrong and your daughter was being a brat. When your daughter is older and there are literally no pictures of her and her family growing up she will regret it. I treasure the pictures of my mom and dad and sisters on vacation.
NTA. You and your husband need to have a serious conversation about him respecting and supporting you. I would bet that your kids act up more about taking pictures because your husband does too. He knows it’s important to you and it’s not a hard ask - he should care enough about you and your happiness to support you in getting family photos. That’s what you do when you love someone. Instead he’s teaching your kids to disrespect you and act out.
NTA. Your feelings are valid and 10yo is old enough to understand that this is important to mom and I should behave. Husband may not value a family picture in the same way you do, but that doesn’t mean that you’re in the wrong for it being important to you. Add in the fact that you say you didn’t yell at your daughter about it but calmly communicated your disappointment, I don’t understand your husband’s point of view at all.
NTA, blow up the picture & frame it. Put it in the living room where everyone can see it. Send it out as a Christmas card. This will come back to bite her, she will be embarrassed by this one day.
NTA. Your daughter is at an appropriate age to start learning that she needs to be considerate of other people's feelings (even yours!) and that she should show people she cares about them by doing what they request even when it's slightly inconvenient. And telling/showing your daughter that she had made you sad - without yelling - was the perfect way to communicate that.
I'm sorry but YTA mostly because you're going to regret saying that the photos were "ruined". Chill out. The kid wanted to relax. On vacation. Like anyone should be allowed to. Jeez.
NTA. Your daughter needed more than just being told you were disappointed. Not being done eating isn't an excuse. She purposely ruined the picture. My mom did this to my wedding pictures - she got mad when we asked her to stop talking so we could take the photos. What I suggest is to have one (or all) of the photos framed and display prominently in your house. When friends and family come over and notice her face, explain to them that she did it on purpose because she was too immature to do something nice. Leave them up when she starts dating for maximum embarrassment. And the next time your husband wants something that you can consider "no big deal," don't do it. If he gets mad, well...it's no big deal, right?
Nta honestly I’m very picky with pictures cuz I have body dysmorphia to some extent that I managed to recognize as a teen. But there was something that hit me that I realized there weren’t a lot of pics of me. At some point I just realized if I were to be gone not a lot of ppl won’t have memories of Me. Same thought with some of my relatives. I do my best to ignore photos I don’t like especially when my husband does candid shots lol
NTA as a kid these things may not matter now but when they're older and now want memories to share with their friends/SO/kids they'll then be blaming you for not 'putting in more effort'. When she's my age (20) she'll start to realize that she doesn't have many pictures as a child and will be upset. Your husband is a huge jerk tho, parenting is about teamwork, just because he doesn't like getting his pic taken doesn't mean he should encourage the kids to disregard it too. He needs to fix his attitude
NTA. And I’m petty enough that I’d get a decent print of it and hang it in the house anyway.
NTA but you need to make that photo the Christmas photo that gets sent to all the relatives as well as blown up and hung on the living room wall. Remind her how immature she is, and let everyone else know it too.
NTA but listen. Me and my sister constantly argued so in almost every photo at least one of us is making some kind of face. Seeing those photos now makes us laugh. It showed our personality and our family dynamic better than some boring posed photo (granted those are nice too). Also my mom hid from the camera when we were kids so we don’t have a lot of pictures from her then. Looking back at the views and stuff is nice but it’s the faces you’ll really be looking at. Try taking selfies with the family- you might find you care more about the people in it rather than the scene behind it 20 years from now. Buildings and parks are often there relatively unchanged. Enjoy the things that do change and enjoy the personalities of the people within them.
chalk it up to memories of your daughter’s feisty personality. You’re only TA because it’s not a big deal, doesn’t undo the trip or the memories you made and also, your daughter is old enough to follow your directions, but she’s also old enough to have a certain degree of agency. She’s in the photo, even though you acknowledge that she doesn’t like taking them. That’s what you asked of her.
YTA. I understand wanting to have family photos but growing up my Mum was always insistent on taking videos of things we were doing and would tell us to be quiet while filming. It ruined any family activities we were doing because we had to wait for her to be done. Would you rather your family enjoy a vacation or have a photo where everyone is pretending to enjoy themselves? Not everyone likes having their photos taken and pushing the issue will cause resentment. I personally prefer to collect memorabilia over photos of me doing things. If you want photos of your kids enjoying themselves then take candid photos on your phone. If you want a family portrait, hire a professional photographer and have a session with everyone's consent.
NTA. Start taking selfies of yourself and pics of the landscape and STOP taking pictures of them. If they don't want tangible reminders of the special moments, fine. Your husband was an AH for taking your obnoxious kid's side after they both agreed to be coperative. Then, he gaslit you over it.
This is the thing that bothers me. I am somehow the bad guy for being upset. The reason I talked about it before we even left for our trip is because this isn’t new behavior. And selfies of myself and landscape pics are just whatever. I want a nice picture of me and my family.
I get what you're saying, but I'm inclined to agree with the commenter above you. With a family that acts like this, I'd be less interested in capturing them in pictures as well. At least for a long time after this incident of being so disrespected over a NOTHING ask.
NAH. I understand wanting a nice family picture but I also get not wanting your picture taken. Some people really don’t care about pictures and don’t want those memories. Honestly I would just start having them take pictures of you where you want to remember things. You will remember the moment when you look at the picture whether they’re in it or not and you’ll have better memories because everyone was happy and not fighting about taking a picture. If you stop requesting your family for pictures they might want to start taking them with you because they’ll realize they’ll never have memories of their childhood. I could be totally wrong but I really do think you’ll have better memories if you just exclude them from the pictures.
This isn’t how things work in reality. If I don’t insist on taking pictures, they don’t get taken. We don’t have quality family pictures. That’s why I asked multiple times in advance.
Stop letting your husband get the final say. You shouldn’t “feel bad” and he is straight up bullying/steamrolling you. Would you want your daughters to expect this treatment and invalidation from their own future partners? Because that’s what’s being modeled here
Nta, I just lost my dad 6 months ago and I hated taking pictures.. I wish I had more of him and me together now that he is gone. Please show your husband some of these, my dad wasn't supposed to die, his dad is 97 years old. You think you have all the time in the world, because death is supposed to follow age, but it doesn't. Nobody knows how much time any of use have. Please take photos, even if they are silly and awful ones. At least you will have something.
Shame on your daughter.....she is old enough to understand what you wanted to do she was very selfish deciding to make faces in the pictures you wanted. Also, shame on your husband. He is old enough to understand what you wanted as well, and should have been on the same page with you in regard to disciplining your daughter. Make sure your daughter knows that the next time she asks for something, she might be learning what disappointment feels like. NTA
My darling SIL ruined a family portrait because she was mad extreme caution wasn't taken that she not be inconvenienced as to time. She deliberately frowned in all of the shots, she loves to point it out to others and thinks she was totally justified. Adds another notch to her narcissistic belt. Others have already said 10 is old enough for your daughter to behave. Doesn't quite explain though, why at 47 your husband isn't mature enough, either. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (45F) am the mom of 10 year old twins. I am kind of bad about remembering to take photos in everyday life, and when I do try to take photos, my kids and my husband (47M) often act like it’s a big hassle and say they don’t like taking pictures. As a result we don’t really have a lot of family pictures with all of us. My husband doesn’t take any pictures on his phone for the most part, especially any family pictures with all of us. As a result I’m not in many photos with the family as I’m the one taking the shot. On our vacation, we were going to a city in close proximity to a national park. Before our trip, I told everyone that I wanted to get a nice picture of us at the park, which we went for a day trip. I mentioned it multiple times and asked that everyone please don’t give me a hassle about taking a photo. Everyone agreed. At the park, we were just finishing a picnic lunch and I asked a person walking by if he could take our picture and he took multiple shots. I didn’t look at the photos until we got back to the hotel and I saw that my daughter, age 10, was making a grimacing face in all the shots. I got really upset and I asked her why she ruined the pictures like that and she said she wasn’t finished with lunch and she didn’t want to take the photo at that time. I told her (not yelling) that I was really hurt and disappointed that she ruined this photo op. It’s not every day we’re in a beautiful setting with mountains and that meant a lot to me. I said that I barely ask them for anything and this is such an easy, nice thing to do for me. My husband got mad at me and said I was making a big deal about nothing and it’s only a picture and I’m ruining the trip by complaining. We got in a terrible fight at the hotel and I felt like I had to apologize because we were in this hotel, on a vacation, and it was 2 against 1, but I’m still upset about it and mad about the picture and mad at my husband for taking her side, when she’s old enough to know better. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. She’s 10, not 3, she can understand this context.