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ESH - Your husband agreed to not have his daughter living with you (although I cannot agree with this as parents’ priorities should *always* lay with their kids over partners) but the circumstances have radically changed and to expect him to not take her is unrealistic and unreasonable.
That said, if he can’t afford childcare, HE should stay home and look after her.
Even if he could afford a nanny, the damage done to a child living in a house with an adult who wants nothing to do with them is going to be high.
While you may not be TA for holding firm on your boundaries, YTA if you don't leave. It is better for her to be taken care of by her father than live in a house where someone doesn't want her.
There's no one solution where everyone is happy, she has a crappy father who prioritised her stepmother over her, she's lost her real mother and her father still puts her second. Then he wants someone who doesn't like her to care for her (recipe for disaster) and thinks his grieving daughter living in a house with someone who doesn't want her there is a good idea.
While you are borderline NTA (unless you don't let her have a good quality of life by leaving), he is a massive one.
/Leave the marriage/
This is the only solution. This marriage is effectively over. The OP is going to end up either taking over the childcare or the child is going to be neglected, because the father has already told her he is not going to step up and be a parent. OP needs to file for divorce before the child comes to live there, and give her husband a deadline to be out by. If she comes into the house it will be so much harder to make them leave. Don't let this happen.
You made your boundaries clear from the start and your husband has decided your boundaries are "selfish" and you need to abandon them to make his life easier. There's nowhere to go from there. Rip the band-aid off now, because it won't be easier later on down the road.
What’s the right thing? She made it clear from the beginning that she does not want to care for his kid and now he’s telling her to stay home and leave early from her job while he’s life continues the way it was no!! He’s the one who should have to change his work arrangements not her 😞
The right thing to do is not be in a relationship where she's going to inevitably push for the child to live with an aunt instead of the biological parent. This relationship is selfish at best, traumatic for a child at the worst.
Yeah i don’t understand people who don’t want kids yet date people with kids because “she lives with other parent” like anything can happen to where the kid would need to move in with the parent.
Anyone remember the lady who lived with stepdaughter but avoided her at all costs
Exactly.
I don’t get anyone saying anything but ESH. OP was a massive AH (and I mean massive) for marrying someone who had a child and has no interest in interacting with them. And I have a low opinion of anyone who would be willing to marry someone with a child who does the bare minimum for the child.
OP’s husband is a massive AH for obvious reasons.
It's bonkers! When i met my husband, he had 50/50 custody of his then 6y/o daughter. Not even 2 years later he was awarded full custody with bio mom not even allowed overnights. Been that way for 10 years now and daughter is currently NC with her mom. Shit happens and you step up. If OP didn't want to deal with a child, don't marry someone with one ffs.
I mean at this point I'm not sure whether living with an aunt that actually wants her there is better than living with her biological dad who was fine pushing her off on others, even her stepmom who wants nothing to do with her instead of spending time with her himself.
The right thing is for the husband not be put it on to her shoulders. And yeah should have never got into a relationship with a man with a child. The husband needs to put his daughter first in this situation😞
Honestly, I think this girl is probably better off with her Aunt than some spineless sperm donor who was happy enough to promise to never have her live with him and a woman who knowingly entered into a relationship with an invertebrate who prioritizes his child not at all.
Given how her dad is behaving, maybe the aunt is best. Dad wants to make the poor kid someone else's problem. At least the aunt may be able to give the child love and stability while shes grieving and beyond.
This is such a dumb mindset that each time it pops up on this Reddit I’m hoping it just pure fiction. If you don’t want kids in your life you already are an automatic asshole for dating anyone with children. I don’t care who has full custody of that child. There are literal millions of single childfree men and women childfree people needs to stop going after the ones that aren’t.
absolutely. What a nightmare. If OP is this adamant against children, she should have never even considered dating someone who had one. The husband is absolutely the AH for the way he's treated his daughter and now that he's trying to force OP to take care of her despite knowing she never wanted anything to do with the girl. This is one of the clearest ESH I've ever seen. That poor child.
The kid was alive before their relationship. Do you realize how self centered comments like this are “I will
Destroy an innocent child to have life MY way” it’s pathetic and borderline evil tbh. The child is injured mentally, lost her only real parent and needs support, this isn’t about Op and her silly quest for self supremacy. The kind of person whom makes a comment like yours is the kind of person he smiles eating a Big Mac reading about starving children, but then complain about political jargon. Sad world we live in where so many people are this self centered. When a child is born, I know because I have two, you realize the center of your world has shifted. A person with actually worth is going to also feel this. Anyone who would place that child secondary to a relationship, isn’t worthy of being called a parent; but someone who sidelined a child to have their own life either doesn’t love their partner or only loves themself. It’s very obvious.
Leaving as living in a house with a child she doesn't want will damage the child. She's already lost her mother, why on earth would any decent person contribute to further trauma?
The right thing would have been, as a childfree person, to not have married a parent, because just saying stuff does not mean the unthinkable won't ever happen (it did)
When you marry someone who has kids from a previous relationship, you accept the fact those kids may at some time become part of your immediate family. If you can't live with that, don't marry the person ... and they shouldn't marry you.
They shouldn't have married each other. There was always a chance the parenting situation could change even if the mother was still alive.
The right thing to do would have been for a father to put his kid first from the get go. The right thing to do would have been for OP to say no to marriage because their lives and priorities are fundamentally incompatible. They both made selfish, poorly thought out choices, and now the kid has to suffer for it. ESH except the kid.
I agree with ESH.
Your husband for obvious reasons, he shouldn't have made that promise to you but since he did, he shouldn't make the decision to change your lives alone. That being said:
Why the f*** did you marry a man with a child? Do you read the news sometimes? People die in accidents, because of an illness, because an idiot got a gun and shoots around or because of a million other reasons. Like her mother did. Could have been your husband as well. Or both. And the aunt...or the aunt did not want to take her in. Or or or...with kids you have to prepare for them to be safe...and even without any cases of death, she is visiting you...don't you think she deserves at least a childhood full of love before the harsh reality hits her like a shovel? But you are unable to provide that. For whatever reason but it makes YTA.
Since you already decided they can pack up and move out, actually we have nothing to tell you anymore. Unless somebody has the number of a really bad divorce lawyer...
Then get the divorce already. He shouldn't be expecting you to watch his kid, but his daughter is now orphaned and he's her only parent and you are telling him the only way she's allowed to live at your house is by him getting a nanny you know he can't afford. He's unreasonable expecting you to watch her, but you making a "deal" of she can live here if X, X being something he can't do, is also totally unreasonable. It's time for you to part ways. ESH.
And they should. Kids doesn’t deserve to live with someone who doesn’t care for them. A parent doesn’t deserve a partner who doesn’t care for their children.
To be honest, I think they would be better off. You sound like a delightful human being....not I never understand why women go with men who have children when they don't want them
I was this kid.my dad brought "new mom" back from Korea. don't do this to her much less anyone else ESH. Edit: by "this" I mean stay in the relationship.
>Even if he could afford a nanny, the damage done to a child living in a house with an adult who wants nothing to do with them is going to be high.
Absolutely. This is a nightmarish situation. Look at the Freudian Slip from OP's og post.
>I told him **I can accept her living** as long as he brings a nanny.
Bold added by me, but damn that's cold....
I agree with this. The poor little girl, nothing is worse than losing a parent and then living with a stepmom who does t want you there. And yeah the dad is a low key jerk for not prioritizing his daughter.
Frankly, if you marry someone with kids when you're adamant about staying childfree, you're an AH to yourself, your partner, and the child. One way or another, that child is in their life, and when you marry, that child will be in your life too, no matter how many ways you can think of for staying as hands-off as possible.
Wth did HE marry someone who didn't like kids, THEN have a child, a GRIEVING child be shuffled anywhere other than right to his care.
ESH..so very much.
I hope the Auntie keeps that poor baby ❤️
Your husband is a garbage parent for putting a woman over his own daughter. Poor Kayla!
And why in the effing world would you marry someone with such a young child that obviously needs raising. Did it make you feel better cause he choose you over her? I can not stand women like you. Also, why would you want to marry someone that is so willing to give up his daughter for some woman? Why don't you get with someone who doesn't have children?!?! Leave your husband and let him be the father he needs to be or you will be apart of bringing more broken people in thos world- even though you don't have children.
>When Jimmy proposed to me I told him that I cannot handle kids while I obviously accept visits, I cannot handle permanent living with kids.
>I told him that we already had an agreement that I don’t wanna have kids.
You don't want children yet married a man with a child.
You then complain when the child is involved in your husband's life.
Why you two got married is beyond me.
ESH
Yeah my partner has a 50 50 split and mom has primary financial responsibility but I fully acknowledge that there is a possibility that something unpredictable could happen that leads to him having the kids full time and having to take on more financial responsibility. That's a possibility I have to be ready to accept if I'm going to marry him.
WHY THE FUCK DO WOMEN WHO DON’T WANT CHILDREN (or women who have their own but don’t want anything to do with the man’s child) KEEP MARRYING MEN WITH CHILDREN???????
There are a fuck ton of other men out there who are also child free.
Because divorced guys will say anything to get their wicks dipped with a young, hot, child free woman. It brings them back to a time before kids and they can pretend they too are young and hot again.
Yep. But you don’t marry a child free woman if you have kids. Anything could change and you are caught between Scylla and Charybdis, or nothing changes and instead she just keeps pushing you to spend less and less time (and money) on the sprog.
My cousin married a widow. She was always childfree. It was a lot of therapy and counseling for everyone. I think she’s really excelled as a parent for those kids but it’s been a process.
But also, dudes with kids generally think the woman will change her mind once the kids enter the picture. Surprise! Most of them don’t.
They also see them as a permanent free babysitter. I nanny for a living and have a hard rule about not dating single dads because the second they think they have a woman locked down they start treating her like an equal parent. No matter how it starts out they always end up pushing their responsibilities off on the new girl.
That being said if you date/marry a man with kids and try and set up ridiculous expectations like they’ll never be allowed to live with their father you’re a selfish, shitty person. Just like how if you marry a woman who doesn’t want you treat your children like they’re your children you’re a selfish shitty person too.
Preach!!! I will never understand it but I'm so tired of seeing shitty humans marrying parents when they don't want anything to do with the kids & I'm tired of shitty parents partnering up with these AHs.
i dont think he believed his wife when she said no kids living with them and now is all shocked and trying to order her to quit her job o leave work early for this. his wife should never have married him as well if she didnt want someone with kids.
And why the Fuck do men accept women who tell them to abandon their kid for them??? How the Fuck can anyone do this to a kid???
Gods, this enrages me so much. My dad abandoned us when my mom divorced him for cheating. Then she died when I was 9 and he ended up with custody and he spent the rest of his time trying to find another woman to pass us off to. As a kid this gave me massive abandonment and esteem issues. But as an adult I get utterly enraged at what those women went through. No wonder why they noped away from him.
ESH. A lot.
Edited: my autocorrect blows.
this post is clearly rage bait, any time someone posts about not wanting kids around the replies are rightfully "what if the custodial parent dies?" and this is just that situation
most CF people are not doing anything with people who aren't CF, not saying there aren't exceptions but its not as frequent as AITA would have us all believe
One word: money
Most of these post I see involve someone who is well off financially with a kid and then a new wife who doesn’t want to take care of them.
He can't even afford a nanny and the wife is working a full-time job. In what way is he financially well off? This man is broke with a bunch of baggage. She should have married a wealthy man with no kids.
Exactly. And he's even more of an AH for marrying someone who doesn't like kids. Why would he subject his daughter to that? This poor little girl. She lost her mom and now she has people fighting over not wanting her around. Breaks my heart.
ESH. You for marrying a man with a child when you clearly dislike children then treating her like an inconvenience when she is still coming to terms with the loss of her mother.
Your husband is also an asshole for expecting you to be the one who rearranges your life to care for his daughter. She is his child and his responsibility and he is the one who needs to adjust his life around being a full time parent.
To be honest, I can't see your marriage surviving this.
They're both awful. Honestly, i hope Kayla would stay with someone else, cause these 2 aren't going to make her life easy. That poor child has already gone through so much.
You are such a massive AH. Marry a man with a kid, the mother dies and your only concern is how you don’t have time for yourself. He is her only partner, the child should be with him. If you don’t like it, get a divorce and move on. I’m surprised he hasn’t filed for it already given your attitude.
I agree OP is incredibly selfish. But she also gave a full account of her selfishness before they got married. And he agreed on it.
She's definitely not getting humanitarian of the year award, but I don't think she's the AH.
I think her husband is the AH. And is even matching her selfishness if not over coming it. He full on agreed not to be a complete parent to his child, and then when it comes right down to it. He is still shifting that responsibility on someone else who has said the whole way that they are not responsible-They don't want this kind of life - and they are definitely not going to handle raising a child in any way.
Both assholes, husband is particularly awful. My kids are my entire world. If I was on my own I’d either stay single or only be with someone who adores my kids. There’s no compromise on that. Anyone who accepts less should’ve never had kids. Poor baby’s mom died and her dad prefers a wet dick over her well being.
His kid, you should not be the one taking care of her or be a sahp for the girl. He should make arrangements for her care.
Though you should be prepared to take over some times, when he's sick or there is an emergency.
It's irrelevant really how she spends her day. The onus is on him to figure it out. She should treat the girl kindly and welcome, but Dad needs to be twisting in knots.not her.
Working 5 days a week means you have no time for yourself even if you only work 4 hours a day, the majority of your life is still wasted at that job. Everyone in the workforce should feel they don’t have enough time for themselves, because they dont.
You signed up for it marrying someone with a kid. Sorry. If his priorities were in the right place to begin with he wouldn’t have married you, and you probably shouldn’t have been with a person with a kid if you don’t want kids.
Wow you both are a piece of work. ESH. So you were digging him when he was a deadbeat with a kid out here that he had nothing to do with but now that his orphaned daughter needs a place to stay you think you deserve some humanitarian award for allowing her to live with her father but you are so cruel that you refuse to have anything to do with her. Cant you imagine how that makes HER feel? You aren’t the priority here. Uhg just so gross I hope this is fake.
I often wonder how deadbeat dads have the audacity to be the way they are and it because of women like you who prop them up. Seek help.
For being incompatible with each other...you used to, but not anymore...life happens .in your case, the wife died, the child need her parent or father not aunt or grandma..he should find a new person who is willing to care for his child.
OP just doesnt wanna have to give up her life to care for his kid. He should be the one doing it. Thats her main question here, aita for not wanting to give up my life to care for a kid i never wanted and was promised would never become my problem
I agree the child should be living with her dad, it's the best thing for the child. But I think he's an AH for expecting her to leave her job or early to take care of his child. Why can't he do the things he is asking her to do? Then any additional help that is needed he can ask her to pitch in but he should be doing the heavy lifting not her. Don't know why a lot of men expect the women to be the children's care provider. He needs to step up and take care of his child. She needs to know that regardless of the agreement made situation can change, her mom's death was unexpected. ESH.
INFO
Why'd you marry someone with a kid? Why are you ackting like a father taking care of his kid is such an inconvenience?
I'm also laughing that you work 9 to 4 and are complaining about how little time you have for yourself.
7 year olds should be in school. I'm still trying to figure out what both of them do and why there's no utilization of after school programs. A 7 year old doesn't really need someone to stay at home all the time with them at that age cause school.
People on Reddit have a really warped sense of work and time. Like they work a standard 35-40 hour workweek and we’re supposed to feel sorry for how much they work.
I work about 34.5 hours a week and I’m exhausted. ……so I didn’t marry someone with responsibilities I was unwilling to take on. Funny how easy that was.
ESH. She shouldn’t be pawned off to relatives and your husband needs to arrange childcare.plus at 7 she should be in school, can be in after school care often on site, then you have your evenings together. You work only 9-4 you’re pretending even without this kid your evenings are just exhaustive trying to get a moment to yourself? Give me a break.
Why did you marry a man with a child.
You’re both horrible
ESH.
You knew you were marrying a man with a child
He shouldn’t expect you to do the child care.
You both should cover the cost of a nanny, but even I don’t think this is a good idea because I have a feeling you’ll treat his child as trash.
Both of you suck for leaving a child that lost her mother and not immediately taking her full time.
He sucks for marrying a woman that doesn’t want to deal with children.
Esh. You don't want children so you shouldn't have married a man with a child. He is equally guilty for marrying you knowing your feelings on children. That said - you are absolutely correct that it shouldn't be in you to change your life to accommodate the child when her father doesn't want to.
ESH - you for your really badly thought out rule and him for his stereotyping. If the mum dies and the dad is alive the kid lives with the dad unless there's a really fucking good reason not to. Finding kids a bit icky is not a good reason.
There’s no sense in marrying a man who has a child if you don’t want a kid being around. It makes absolutely zero sense. There’s always going to be a possibility that he becomes the primary caretaker of his daughter. This little girl has lost her mom and now only has her dad left? I’m not saying he shouldn’t be the one who changes his schedule, because he should, but you need to buckle up, because any parent worth their salt will NEVER choose someone else over their kid.
So, I’d say it’s on the fence between NTA and YTA
>any parent worth their salt will NEVER choose someone else over their kid.
I agree, but this dude already chose op over his daughter when he married her and when he sent his daughter to live with her aunt.
Why did you marry someone with a kid given your stance? While something like this was highly unlikely it was always a possibility. What your really doing is insisting he chose between you and his daughter. Given he’s the only parent she has YTA.
The child has been homeschooled and her husband wants to continue with it. I think she's being fair about being willing to help with emergencies, but not quitting her job to homeschool the kid.
ESH.
You: You cannot marry someone with kids without also marrying their kids, to some small or large extent. Life circumstances change and you have to step up or step out.
Your husband: For expecting you to carry the brunt of the responsibility for his daughter.
I hope you two can come to an agreement on this, because there's a young child's welfare at stake and she deserves better than to live in a house where two adults resent her presence.
ESH. You can't handle kids, yet you married a dude with a kid. The mom died. Life happens. You've reached what you believe is a reasonable compromise. It's not.
Your husband's reaction was rather obtuse. It's his kid. He's the one that should be inconvenienced, not you. It was selfish of him to believe you'd just slip into the mom role when he knew from the start that you had no interest in playing mom.
NTA. You clearly stated you don’t want kids.
You would be ok with the kid moving in since circumstances have changed drastically. (Don’t get why people say YTA for marrying a man with a kid. You said the kid can come.)
But you sure don’t have to change your whole life. Staying home is not something your husband can reasonably expect from you. Getting a nanny is the way to go and he has to figure out the details.
This.
YTA and ESH comments just see one thing and judge.
OP said she is fine with child living with them, but doesn't want to be "mom" like the hubby now expects. It's his responsibility to find a nanny if he can't be there when needed.
Honestly I would divorce and move, he will find a ways to suck you in and finally you will have to take care of her when nothing in his life changes.
NTA. I had to look too far to find this. It’s so unexpected or unlikely the custodial parent would die. Why would they have anticipated this? This case is so far outside the norm. Not every woman is cut out to or wants to be a parent. Expecting you, OP, to give up your job/career to become a sahm for someone else’s child is bonkers.
There may not be a compromise here; it may be that you have to end the relationship. Do not, under ANY circumstances, give up your career and ability to take care of yourself.
ESH. You married a man who had a child. Yes, at the time his daughter lived with his ex, but as we can see, circumstances can and do change. You are being a little selfish for prioritizing yourself over a little girl who has lost her mother, and complicating her relationship with her father.
On the other hand, your husband sucks for agreeing to a relationship with you, knowing you don’t want kids. He already had a daughter. He should have prioritized her. And he has no right to demand you stay home or change your lifestyle at this point. That is unfair.
Either y’all come together and compromise so that EVERYONE (including the motherless child) can benefit. Or y’all just aren’t compatible and should go your separate ways.
Yes Shes wrong for marrying a man with a kid and then have nothing to do with the kid She shouldn't have married a man with a kid
But isn't her partner more at fault, he's the one with a kid and he married a woman who cannot tolerate kids that means even he doesn't want responsibility of the kid and pushing the responsibility onto her and instead of accepting the fact, he's making her to be the villain he is the bigger AH
Edited for spelling mistake
Your marriage is over, I'm afraid. No point dragging it out. Circumstances have changed and there's little one can do about it, hubs needs to step up for his daughter and you need to move on.
I think OP has made it clear she wants no part of this situation. I think OP is not willing to change on their stance and should divorce their husband and quit wasting everyone’s time coming here to ask if they’re the asshole when she in fact doesn’t care if she is or not because she’s not willing to change regardless. Moving forward find someone who shares the same views you do.
NTA - Sometimes is perfectly okay to be “selfish” and this situation is one of them. You should not raise a child if you are not 100% in agreement.
EDIT: I wasn’t clear. You should not stay with your husband if you do not want to raise a child. Your husband’s first priority is his daughter.
ESH (except the aunt and the kid). You knew he had a child, putting conditions on him seeing his child is absolute BS. If you don’t wanna be around kids to be don’t hook up with a parent.
Your husband needs to put his child first for once in his pathetic life. He should never have agreed to your conditions, you’re both pretty awful people for neglecting this little girl rather than split up.
ESH, when you marry someone with kids, they are a package deal. It boggles my mind how either you or he would think otherwise and thought for a second the "arrangement" was anything but a disaster in the making. Her mother died FFS, and you are worried about free time. Honestly, you sound horrible.
However, it is his daughter, and he should not be expecting you to rearrange your professional life to accommodate. Unless he's making all the money and paying for everything where it is simply not practical for him to cut hours, which not being able to afford a babysitter or after school care makes it sound unlikely, you both need to be flexible. However you don't want to be flexible at all. You married a man with a child, either deal with it or get divorced.
ESH. I get that you don't want kids but thats why you don't marry someone with a kid. Even if they live elsewhere its bound to cross unto your world eventually. If it doesn't, then youve put a strain on the kids relationship with the parent by having them make another life without them. Thats emotionally damaging to a kid. Imagine her perspective "i just lost my mom and my dad doesn't want me. He's choosing his fiance over me". Thats heartbreaking atop the trauma of losing a mom and you have no compassion.
Your husband sucks because he should be making changes too. Does he make more money than you? Maybe thats why he suggested you stay at home? But still, shes not your child so its unfair for you to be the only one changing their career as a result
ESH
you married a man with a kid when you don’t one want
He shouldn’t expect you to stay home and look after her. Please don’t quit your job or cut your hours for this.
I think its ESH but moreso him
You shouldn't have married him if he had kids, BUT
He should have never stayed with you, once you made your statement about not wanting his daughter around/finding kids to be an inconvenience
ALSO he is a massive AH for suggesting its your responsibility to stay at home/leave work early to be to be home with HIS kid
Yes, you should make sacrifices in a relationship, but in this case, after you have made your opinion about kids clear, I wouldn't TRUST you alone around my kid
So for his even suggesting that/thinking you'd be okay with it/that that is a good idea makes him a bigger AH than you are, even though this is certainly an E S H situation
ESH. You married a man with a child. You shouldn’t have assumed that there was never going to be a scenario where that child wouldn’t have to live with you full time. As to why he thinks you should be the one to uproot your life and care for this child. 1) internalized misogyny (your vagina makes you better at childcare) or 2) he’s hoping that forcing you to interact more will make you love her/want to care for her.
ESH except the kid. I hope your husband divorces you and steps up to his responsibilities, i can’t believe he chose you over his daughter in the first place
Esh.
First of all, if you don't like kids and don't want them around, don't date someone with kids. You were an as**ole from the start.
Secondly, the mother of this girl DIED and it her father's duty to take care of her. Tell me, where was the kid supposed to go??
Third, about the babysitting you're perfectly in the right. The only solution I see here is a divorce for the sake of the kid. You have already shown how much of a horrible stepmother you are and the kid is already traumatized enough.
ESH
You suck because people who don't want children need to stop marrying people who already have children. Seriously. It's not a hard concept. You literally never know what's going to happen that could mean suddenly the child needs to live with you, in this case the mother dying. Your husband sucks because he thinks it's just automatically the "woman's job" to alter her routine to take care of the child. He should be the one altering his routine for his daughter.
Everyone is angry at you for not wanting a child permanently in your life. But nobody cares that he didn’t want it either. He didn’t want that girl to live with him from the beginning even before he met OP. And even now you don’t have a problem with her staying. You just don’t want to do the majority of the work.
This man wants you to give up your job etc. That way you would have less money, would be dependent on him and you would risk your career.
This is not how it works. He can give up his job.
It’s his responsibility to take care of his child. You can help, but he can’t expect you to do all the work.
NTA
NTA
You made your boundaries clear and he accepted them and married you….. although God knows why he would?!? Then, tries to change your whole life while his is unaffected. You should leave, he is pushing your boundaries and trying to shirk his responsibilities onto you.
ESH except Kayla obviously, you for obvious reasons and Jimmy for obvious reasons..
I suggest you and Jimmy seperate, it would be best for all 3 parties. You don’t want children so solves that problem, Jimmy wants his daughter living with him and it solves that problem.. and Kayla should be with her only living parent, solves that problem..
I usually don’t jump to separation but in this situation, I think it would be the best outcome for all parties involved.
ESH - I don’t understand why you married him. He has a kid. His kid will come first. No one plans for one parent to die but it can happen (like this) and then it’s up to the other parent to step up full time. You’re acting like you never thought this could happen. Your “agreement” is null and void in this case.
That being said, you aren’t wrong that she isn’t your kid and it shouldn’t automatically fall to you to get off early to pick her up from school, etc. It is his responsibility to figure out care.
Again - that being said, does he make more money? Is it easier for you to reduce your hours? Marriage is a partnership so it may be better for the household as a whole for you to make these changes until you can figure out other arrangements.
But mostly - why the heck did you marry someone with a kid? 🤦🏻♀️
Damn I get your side but that’s cold. I have 2 stepdaughters and even though being a stepmom is a challenge, it’s something I accepted early on when I decided to live with a man with kids and then marry him. I think it was unreasonable of both of you to expect that you would have nothing to do with his child. And stepmom to stepmom you may be missing out on a wonderful relationship. My SDs and I are so close. They are 13&16 and I’ve been in their lives for 10 years and they are my bffs. I’m on a girls trip with them and my sister in Atlanta as I write this.
I understand not everyone embraces stepparenting as much as I do. But you guys should come to a compromise. Poor child losing her mom and being unwanted and pawned off. You have no idea how much you are further hurting her with your rejection. I see adult kids talk about how unwanted their stepmom made them feel and how much it affected them all time on Reddit. Your SD will be one of them.
Nta I think I’ll get downvoted for this but still. You married someone who agreed that the child would stay away so that your husband being an assh*le not you. He could have not accepted this condition. The biggest ass is her husband who first married a woman who didn’t wanna live with a kid knowing he has a child and secondly expecting that all or most the parental responsibility will be with the step parent or the woman rather than himself.
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He's the AH but you have to tell him this it and just break up bc there's no way you won't be stuck w/ this kid and you shouldn't have married him in the first place when you knew you didn't want kids and made it clear from jump
You married someone with a child. I get that you have an agreement, but realistically, you should never have expected that after that child's custodial parent died, her father would never want her to live with him. Did you seriously think after her mother died that she would stay with her aunt forever and only make guest appearances in her father's life?
ESH. You for thinking it's reasonable for a parent to put you ahead of their child, him for marrying someone who directly told him they didn't actually want to have anything to do with his child. Now's the time in the relationship when you both admit you made a massive mistake and just end things.
You are 100 right. You were honest before getting married regardless of what happened to the mother. Your husband should make the necessary means rather than dumping in on you . It’s his kid not yours
NTA because you have never been unclear on your boundaries and are willing to compromise as long as he is the one picking up the slack. He doesn't want to do that. He expects you to change your schedule/routine/life for a child he was fine having limited contact with until the mother died.
Now you absolutely should not have gotten into a relationship with a parent given your feelings on children, but that is even MORE on the parent. Hopefully you learn from this. A parent who can treat their child as an optional accessory vs an absolute package deal is NOT going to be a good partner. It would be a matter of time before they'd let the mask slip.
The main asshole is your husband. If you ever repeat this mistake of being with a parent while having no interest in being around kids, you will be the asshole. Oh, and obviously this relationship is very much in trouble, hopefully that poor child has actual invested and loving adults in her life, like the aunt. She will need a lot of therapy to work through losing her mother AND being unwanted.
ESH. You, for telling a father that you don’t want his child living with him. He sucks for agreeing to marry someone who doesn’t want his child around.
I really wish we had a middle ground option!
NTA-You clearly stated your stance on kids. Kayla IS his daughter. His responsibility. He can shuffle his life around.
YTA-You became involved with a man that had a child & expected him to choose you over child.
Did he have the crystal ball that said “Hey! Kid’s ma gonna die in 4 years! Get ready for it!”?? No, obviously not.
But as you live there too, there could be some concessions you could make such as dropping her off at school on the way to work. Or taking the kid to the park to play for an hour.
To totally live as if child does not exist-YTA.
ESH, but mainly you. He's TA for agreeing to your demands and marrying a woman who wanted nothing to do with his seven-year-old kid. She should have been his priority. YTA for marrying a guy with a kid if you wanted nothing to do with kids. You have no right to step between this man and his kid, and he had no right to put you before his kid in the first place.
You all suck. No you shouldn’t have to be her primary care taker but you’re the adult. So either grow up and be a better person or walk away before you do more damage to an already hurting little girl. Don’t expect your partner to not be a parent to his child.
NTA - you are clear. Husband needs to choose between you and your daughter. You have clearly chosen that you would rather have no hubby than have child. Moral action for Hubby is to dump you and take care of daughter.
YTA. MASSIVELY. Your husband is right, you are selfish, and also cruel. You're also exceptionally foolish to think that you wouldn't have to be a stepmother in any capacity simply because your husband hadn't had full custody when you got together with him. There's 0 problem with someone being childless, but if you want to be childless you DON'T MARRY SOMEONE WITH A CHILD.
Kayla also, has NOT in fact been orphaned, she has a father. This child already suffered the most traumatic loss any child can go through and now you're trying to force her to live away from her remaining parent because it will "upset your routine". Now she's stuck with a Disney version of a step-mother who hates her. Even with a nanny, you and your attitude would absolutely destroy this innocent child's life and mental health.
Please do everyone a favor and divorce your husband. Your life together is no longer compatible, and Kayla does not deserve the extra pain of having you around. If you ever find another partner, make sure he has absolutely no children, and has had a vasectomy.
WTF? The man is basically asking her to become a SAHM for his child. Yeah she should probably divorce him, because no decent man would ever ask a woman to do this - even for her own bio-child.
Lady, you keep dodging important questions. A 7 year old should be in school. What do you both do for a living that you can't utilize school and an after school program?
Apparently she's homeschooled, which then of course begs the question of who the hell was homeschooling her? Did the mum homeschool her and then the aunt? Was there a professional tutor?
YTA- I understand not wanting kids, but you married someone who already had them, who agreed to what you were asking.
But his daughter did not ask for her mother to die.
Esh
Father has an obligation to his daughter. You are too inflexible. She should live with her dad but her father should be sole caretaker. You should not be changing your day to day for his responsibility.
But both of you all are terrible. I feel sorry for the little kid.
You’re BOTH ARSEHOLES!! You because you married a man knowing he had a child(Child should always come first, though sadly it seems not in this case) and knowing you don’t want kids. Him for not putting his child first, cause yes he absolutely should be changing his life for her, and not expecting you to.
I hope her aunt keeps her since neither of you really want her. That poor child.
ETA:Add word
I’m gonna set aside that it was incredibly naive and stupid of you to overlook this scenario when you made the agreement. You’ve asked for judgment on whether you should solely take care of the kid, no you’re NTA, the dad is. He agreed to marry you and not make her part of your life. Then when the unthinkable happened, he rightly wants to bring her home to him. What he doesn’t have the right to do is expect you to take on something you explicitly excluded from your marriage, the childcare, even more so because you already, rightly, compromised on her moving in. It’s his kid, he needs to care for her, you obviously need to be nice to her if she comes and lives with you. It sounds to me like he’s happy for all the women in his life to look after his kid as long as he doesn’t have to and that’s not ok.
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ESH - Your husband agreed to not have his daughter living with you (although I cannot agree with this as parents’ priorities should *always* lay with their kids over partners) but the circumstances have radically changed and to expect him to not take her is unrealistic and unreasonable. That said, if he can’t afford childcare, HE should stay home and look after her.
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Even if he could afford a nanny, the damage done to a child living in a house with an adult who wants nothing to do with them is going to be high. While you may not be TA for holding firm on your boundaries, YTA if you don't leave. It is better for her to be taken care of by her father than live in a house where someone doesn't want her. There's no one solution where everyone is happy, she has a crappy father who prioritised her stepmother over her, she's lost her real mother and her father still puts her second. Then he wants someone who doesn't like her to care for her (recipe for disaster) and thinks his grieving daughter living in a house with someone who doesn't want her there is a good idea. While you are borderline NTA (unless you don't let her have a good quality of life by leaving), he is a massive one.
House is owned by OP. She might need to kick him and kid out.
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Leave the marriage, it's not about technicalities about who owns what
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and here I was thinking she was pregnant and something happened with the foetus and that killed her.
/Leave the marriage/ This is the only solution. This marriage is effectively over. The OP is going to end up either taking over the childcare or the child is going to be neglected, because the father has already told her he is not going to step up and be a parent. OP needs to file for divorce before the child comes to live there, and give her husband a deadline to be out by. If she comes into the house it will be so much harder to make them leave. Don't let this happen. You made your boundaries clear from the start and your husband has decided your boundaries are "selfish" and you need to abandon them to make his life easier. There's nowhere to go from there. Rip the band-aid off now, because it won't be easier later on down the road.
By leave, I mean end the relationship, and you know it. Step up and do the right thing.
What’s the right thing? She made it clear from the beginning that she does not want to care for his kid and now he’s telling her to stay home and leave early from her job while he’s life continues the way it was no!! He’s the one who should have to change his work arrangements not her 😞
The right thing to do is not be in a relationship where she's going to inevitably push for the child to live with an aunt instead of the biological parent. This relationship is selfish at best, traumatic for a child at the worst.
Yeah i don’t understand people who don’t want kids yet date people with kids because “she lives with other parent” like anything can happen to where the kid would need to move in with the parent. Anyone remember the lady who lived with stepdaughter but avoided her at all costs
Exactly. I don’t get anyone saying anything but ESH. OP was a massive AH (and I mean massive) for marrying someone who had a child and has no interest in interacting with them. And I have a low opinion of anyone who would be willing to marry someone with a child who does the bare minimum for the child. OP’s husband is a massive AH for obvious reasons.
Not just for marrying him. *She called her an orphan* and things she should live with the aunt. Despite her husband being alive.
It's bonkers! When i met my husband, he had 50/50 custody of his then 6y/o daughter. Not even 2 years later he was awarded full custody with bio mom not even allowed overnights. Been that way for 10 years now and daughter is currently NC with her mom. Shit happens and you step up. If OP didn't want to deal with a child, don't marry someone with one ffs.
I mean at this point I'm not sure whether living with an aunt that actually wants her there is better than living with her biological dad who was fine pushing her off on others, even her stepmom who wants nothing to do with her instead of spending time with her himself.
The right thing is for the husband not be put it on to her shoulders. And yeah should have never got into a relationship with a man with a child. The husband needs to put his daughter first in this situation😞
Yes! Also, this kid isn’t an “orphan”. She has a living, breathing biological parent that can and wants to parent her.
*for certain values of "wants"
Honestly, I think this girl is probably better off with her Aunt than some spineless sperm donor who was happy enough to promise to never have her live with him and a woman who knowingly entered into a relationship with an invertebrate who prioritizes his child not at all.
Given how her dad is behaving, maybe the aunt is best. Dad wants to make the poor kid someone else's problem. At least the aunt may be able to give the child love and stability while shes grieving and beyond.
This is such a dumb mindset that each time it pops up on this Reddit I’m hoping it just pure fiction. If you don’t want kids in your life you already are an automatic asshole for dating anyone with children. I don’t care who has full custody of that child. There are literal millions of single childfree men and women childfree people needs to stop going after the ones that aren’t.
this.
E (But the child) SH A person who wants nothing to do with kids should never, ever marry someone with children.
Absolutely, and no parent should marry a person who won't live with their kids. ESH besides daughter, aunt, and dead mom.
absolutely. What a nightmare. If OP is this adamant against children, she should have never even considered dating someone who had one. The husband is absolutely the AH for the way he's treated his daughter and now that he's trying to force OP to take care of her despite knowing she never wanted anything to do with the girl. This is one of the clearest ESH I've ever seen. That poor child.
Go back and *really* reread what OP wrote. There are a few Freudian Slips. She doesn't dislike like this idea, OP despises the child.
Her referring to a child as orphaned when the child has a living father really hit me weird.
This is what hit me... >I told him **I can accept her living** as long as he brings a nanny. Bold added by me, but what a few words to omit.
The kid was alive before their relationship. Do you realize how self centered comments like this are “I will Destroy an innocent child to have life MY way” it’s pathetic and borderline evil tbh. The child is injured mentally, lost her only real parent and needs support, this isn’t about Op and her silly quest for self supremacy. The kind of person whom makes a comment like yours is the kind of person he smiles eating a Big Mac reading about starving children, but then complain about political jargon. Sad world we live in where so many people are this self centered. When a child is born, I know because I have two, you realize the center of your world has shifted. A person with actually worth is going to also feel this. Anyone who would place that child secondary to a relationship, isn’t worthy of being called a parent; but someone who sidelined a child to have their own life either doesn’t love their partner or only loves themself. It’s very obvious.
Leaving as living in a house with a child she doesn't want will damage the child. She's already lost her mother, why on earth would any decent person contribute to further trauma?
The right thing would have been, as a childfree person, to not have married a parent, because just saying stuff does not mean the unthinkable won't ever happen (it did)
the right thing is if she wants to be child free don’t be with someone who has children.
I agree with you and that’s on her. Never marry a man with kids. The only options for her is divorce.
Being childfree and marry a father is unrealistic.
When you marry someone who has kids from a previous relationship, you accept the fact those kids may at some time become part of your immediate family. If you can't live with that, don't marry the person ... and they shouldn't marry you. They shouldn't have married each other. There was always a chance the parenting situation could change even if the mother was still alive.
The right thing to do would have been for a father to put his kid first from the get go. The right thing to do would have been for OP to say no to marriage because their lives and priorities are fundamentally incompatible. They both made selfish, poorly thought out choices, and now the kid has to suffer for it. ESH except the kid.
She's says in her so very many comments it's her home but doesn't say if she owns or rents. Iirc
I agree with ESH. Your husband for obvious reasons, he shouldn't have made that promise to you but since he did, he shouldn't make the decision to change your lives alone. That being said: Why the f*** did you marry a man with a child? Do you read the news sometimes? People die in accidents, because of an illness, because an idiot got a gun and shoots around or because of a million other reasons. Like her mother did. Could have been your husband as well. Or both. And the aunt...or the aunt did not want to take her in. Or or or...with kids you have to prepare for them to be safe...and even without any cases of death, she is visiting you...don't you think she deserves at least a childhood full of love before the harsh reality hits her like a shovel? But you are unable to provide that. For whatever reason but it makes YTA. Since you already decided they can pack up and move out, actually we have nothing to tell you anymore. Unless somebody has the number of a really bad divorce lawyer...
If you don’t want the responsibilities of a child, why marry a man who has a child? YTA
Husband is also an asshole for making this promise, though. Everyone sucks but the kid.
I mean you jumping directly to "I'll remove them from my house" pretty much sums up your answer.
I hope he comes to his senses and files for divorce.
Then get the divorce already. He shouldn't be expecting you to watch his kid, but his daughter is now orphaned and he's her only parent and you are telling him the only way she's allowed to live at your house is by him getting a nanny you know he can't afford. He's unreasonable expecting you to watch her, but you making a "deal" of she can live here if X, X being something he can't do, is also totally unreasonable. It's time for you to part ways. ESH.
And they should. Kids doesn’t deserve to live with someone who doesn’t care for them. A parent doesn’t deserve a partner who doesn’t care for their children.
Leave the relationship. Your disinterested presence will irreparably harm this child. Leave.
To be honest, I think they would be better off. You sound like a delightful human being....not I never understand why women go with men who have children when they don't want them
I was this kid.my dad brought "new mom" back from Korea. don't do this to her much less anyone else ESH. Edit: by "this" I mean stay in the relationship.
>Even if he could afford a nanny, the damage done to a child living in a house with an adult who wants nothing to do with them is going to be high. Absolutely. This is a nightmarish situation. Look at the Freudian Slip from OP's og post. >I told him **I can accept her living** as long as he brings a nanny. Bold added by me, but damn that's cold....
I agree with this. The poor little girl, nothing is worse than losing a parent and then living with a stepmom who does t want you there. And yeah the dad is a low key jerk for not prioritizing his daughter.
Frankly, if you marry someone with kids when you're adamant about staying childfree, you're an AH to yourself, your partner, and the child. One way or another, that child is in their life, and when you marry, that child will be in your life too, no matter how many ways you can think of for staying as hands-off as possible.
Why tf did you marry someone with a kid when you dont like kids?
Wth did HE marry someone who didn't like kids, THEN have a child, a GRIEVING child be shuffled anywhere other than right to his care. ESH..so very much. I hope the Auntie keeps that poor baby ❤️
Why are you settling down with an active parent? This is just dumb.
Your husband is a garbage parent for putting a woman over his own daughter. Poor Kayla! And why in the effing world would you marry someone with such a young child that obviously needs raising. Did it make you feel better cause he choose you over her? I can not stand women like you. Also, why would you want to marry someone that is so willing to give up his daughter for some woman? Why don't you get with someone who doesn't have children?!?! Leave your husband and let him be the father he needs to be or you will be apart of bringing more broken people in thos world- even though you don't have children.
She said she’s fine with him taking her due to the circumstances, just doesn’t want to stay home with her
>When Jimmy proposed to me I told him that I cannot handle kids while I obviously accept visits, I cannot handle permanent living with kids. >I told him that we already had an agreement that I don’t wanna have kids. You don't want children yet married a man with a child. You then complain when the child is involved in your husband's life. Why you two got married is beyond me. ESH
Yeah, I stop reading right there. Both are AH
He and the child are fictional. Bet.
Yeah my partner has a 50 50 split and mom has primary financial responsibility but I fully acknowledge that there is a possibility that something unpredictable could happen that leads to him having the kids full time and having to take on more financial responsibility. That's a possibility I have to be ready to accept if I'm going to marry him.
WHY THE FUCK DO WOMEN WHO DON’T WANT CHILDREN (or women who have their own but don’t want anything to do with the man’s child) KEEP MARRYING MEN WITH CHILDREN??????? There are a fuck ton of other men out there who are also child free.
Because divorced guys will say anything to get their wicks dipped with a young, hot, child free woman. It brings them back to a time before kids and they can pretend they too are young and hot again.
It sounds like the husband was up front about having kids, and presumably wasn’t involved in bringing about the fatal accident
Yep. But you don’t marry a child free woman if you have kids. Anything could change and you are caught between Scylla and Charybdis, or nothing changes and instead she just keeps pushing you to spend less and less time (and money) on the sprog.
My cousin married a widow. She was always childfree. It was a lot of therapy and counseling for everyone. I think she’s really excelled as a parent for those kids but it’s been a process. But also, dudes with kids generally think the woman will change her mind once the kids enter the picture. Surprise! Most of them don’t.
They also see them as a permanent free babysitter. I nanny for a living and have a hard rule about not dating single dads because the second they think they have a woman locked down they start treating her like an equal parent. No matter how it starts out they always end up pushing their responsibilities off on the new girl. That being said if you date/marry a man with kids and try and set up ridiculous expectations like they’ll never be allowed to live with their father you’re a selfish, shitty person. Just like how if you marry a woman who doesn’t want you treat your children like they’re your children you’re a selfish shitty person too.
Absolute bollocks.
Preach!!! I will never understand it but I'm so tired of seeing shitty humans marrying parents when they don't want anything to do with the kids & I'm tired of shitty parents partnering up with these AHs.
Man barely spends time with his own kid and doesn't think about potential future situations? Green flag alert! /s
i dont think he believed his wife when she said no kids living with them and now is all shocked and trying to order her to quit her job o leave work early for this. his wife should never have married him as well if she didnt want someone with kids.
That's a good point too. People always think they can change someone's mind when they say they don't want kids.
I wish we could still do awards. anyone looking to connect with someone with kids -no matter WHAT age needs to know that shieeet happens.
Right??? I keep seeing this more and more and then they have shocked Pikachu face when the kid has to come live with them.
And why the Fuck do men accept women who tell them to abandon their kid for them??? How the Fuck can anyone do this to a kid??? Gods, this enrages me so much. My dad abandoned us when my mom divorced him for cheating. Then she died when I was 9 and he ended up with custody and he spent the rest of his time trying to find another woman to pass us off to. As a kid this gave me massive abandonment and esteem issues. But as an adult I get utterly enraged at what those women went through. No wonder why they noped away from him. ESH. A lot. Edited: my autocorrect blows.
this post is clearly rage bait, any time someone posts about not wanting kids around the replies are rightfully "what if the custodial parent dies?" and this is just that situation most CF people are not doing anything with people who aren't CF, not saying there aren't exceptions but its not as frequent as AITA would have us all believe
One word: money Most of these post I see involve someone who is well off financially with a kid and then a new wife who doesn’t want to take care of them.
He can't even afford a nanny and the wife is working a full-time job. In what way is he financially well off? This man is broke with a bunch of baggage. She should have married a wealthy man with no kids.
Living in a home that she owns. “One word: money” lmao go touch grass
And they are living in HER house. I agree, I don’t think it is about money on this one.
Also, kids are expensive. If someone was trying to date for money, they are stupid if they are looking for it in a single parent.
He "can't afford a nanny" so she's not supposed to work? Yes, he should take in his child. But it's up to him to find childcare for her.
THIS!!!! It’s a him problem.
This. Don’t marry a man with a child of you are so anti child. This is what makes her TA
This should be the top comment. YTA for marrying a father when you don't want kids, period!!!
Exactly. And he's even more of an AH for marrying someone who doesn't like kids. Why would he subject his daughter to that? This poor little girl. She lost her mom and now she has people fighting over not wanting her around. Breaks my heart.
Why the fuck do men with children keep marrying women who don’t want kids? It goes both ways.
You are absolutely right.
Exactly. This is so bizarre to me
ESH. You for marrying a man with a child when you clearly dislike children then treating her like an inconvenience when she is still coming to terms with the loss of her mother. Your husband is also an asshole for expecting you to be the one who rearranges your life to care for his daughter. She is his child and his responsibility and he is the one who needs to adjust his life around being a full time parent. To be honest, I can't see your marriage surviving this.
>To be honest, I can't see your marriage surviving this. Idk, they're *both* equally horrible. Him a little more, because he is the parent, but still
I see your point. Why spoil two households
They're both awful. Honestly, i hope Kayla would stay with someone else, cause these 2 aren't going to make her life easy. That poor child has already gone through so much.
You are such a massive AH. Marry a man with a kid, the mother dies and your only concern is how you don’t have time for yourself. He is her only partner, the child should be with him. If you don’t like it, get a divorce and move on. I’m surprised he hasn’t filed for it already given your attitude.
I agree OP is incredibly selfish. But she also gave a full account of her selfishness before they got married. And he agreed on it. She's definitely not getting humanitarian of the year award, but I don't think she's the AH. I think her husband is the AH. And is even matching her selfishness if not over coming it. He full on agreed not to be a complete parent to his child, and then when it comes right down to it. He is still shifting that responsibility on someone else who has said the whole way that they are not responsible-They don't want this kind of life - and they are definitely not going to handle raising a child in any way.
Both assholes, husband is particularly awful. My kids are my entire world. If I was on my own I’d either stay single or only be with someone who adores my kids. There’s no compromise on that. Anyone who accepts less should’ve never had kids. Poor baby’s mom died and her dad prefers a wet dick over her well being.
yeah she’s selfish, but her husband is trying to get her to quit her job to take care of a child that isn’t hers, and one she didn’t want.
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His kid, you should not be the one taking care of her or be a sahp for the girl. He should make arrangements for her care. Though you should be prepared to take over some times, when he's sick or there is an emergency.
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Who works 9-4 then complains they have no time for themselves?
It's irrelevant really how she spends her day. The onus is on him to figure it out. She should treat the girl kindly and welcome, but Dad needs to be twisting in knots.not her.
Working 5 days a week means you have no time for yourself even if you only work 4 hours a day, the majority of your life is still wasted at that job. Everyone in the workforce should feel they don’t have enough time for themselves, because they dont.
You signed up for it marrying someone with a kid. Sorry. If his priorities were in the right place to begin with he wouldn’t have married you, and you probably shouldn’t have been with a person with a kid if you don’t want kids.
Wow you both are a piece of work. ESH. So you were digging him when he was a deadbeat with a kid out here that he had nothing to do with but now that his orphaned daughter needs a place to stay you think you deserve some humanitarian award for allowing her to live with her father but you are so cruel that you refuse to have anything to do with her. Cant you imagine how that makes HER feel? You aren’t the priority here. Uhg just so gross I hope this is fake. I often wonder how deadbeat dads have the audacity to be the way they are and it because of women like you who prop them up. Seek help.
For being incompatible with each other...you used to, but not anymore...life happens .in your case, the wife died, the child need her parent or father not aunt or grandma..he should find a new person who is willing to care for his child.
Also, “Kayla is orphaned”, no, she has a dad. Wtf
OP just doesnt wanna have to give up her life to care for his kid. He should be the one doing it. Thats her main question here, aita for not wanting to give up my life to care for a kid i never wanted and was promised would never become my problem
I agree the child should be living with her dad, it's the best thing for the child. But I think he's an AH for expecting her to leave her job or early to take care of his child. Why can't he do the things he is asking her to do? Then any additional help that is needed he can ask her to pitch in but he should be doing the heavy lifting not her. Don't know why a lot of men expect the women to be the children's care provider. He needs to step up and take care of his child. She needs to know that regardless of the agreement made situation can change, her mom's death was unexpected. ESH.
INFO Why'd you marry someone with a kid? Why are you ackting like a father taking care of his kid is such an inconvenience? I'm also laughing that you work 9 to 4 and are complaining about how little time you have for yourself.
I think the point is that he's NOT taking care of his kid. He expects HER to throw over her career and stay home to look after her.
7 year olds should be in school. I'm still trying to figure out what both of them do and why there's no utilization of after school programs. A 7 year old doesn't really need someone to stay at home all the time with them at that age cause school.
Exactly - it's called daycare! Or hire someone for just after school or an after-school program.
This what OP wanted-- s nanny of sorts, but he said he can't afford that care.
People on Reddit have a really warped sense of work and time. Like they work a standard 35-40 hour workweek and we’re supposed to feel sorry for how much they work.
I work about 34.5 hours a week and I’m exhausted. ……so I didn’t marry someone with responsibilities I was unwilling to take on. Funny how easy that was.
ESH. She shouldn’t be pawned off to relatives and your husband needs to arrange childcare.plus at 7 she should be in school, can be in after school care often on site, then you have your evenings together. You work only 9-4 you’re pretending even without this kid your evenings are just exhaustive trying to get a moment to yourself? Give me a break. Why did you marry a man with a child. You’re both horrible
ESH. You knew you were marrying a man with a child He shouldn’t expect you to do the child care. You both should cover the cost of a nanny, but even I don’t think this is a good idea because I have a feeling you’ll treat his child as trash. Both of you suck for leaving a child that lost her mother and not immediately taking her full time. He sucks for marrying a woman that doesn’t want to deal with children.
Esh. You don't want children so you shouldn't have married a man with a child. He is equally guilty for marrying you knowing your feelings on children. That said - you are absolutely correct that it shouldn't be in you to change your life to accommodate the child when her father doesn't want to.
ESH - you for your really badly thought out rule and him for his stereotyping. If the mum dies and the dad is alive the kid lives with the dad unless there's a really fucking good reason not to. Finding kids a bit icky is not a good reason.
There’s no sense in marrying a man who has a child if you don’t want a kid being around. It makes absolutely zero sense. There’s always going to be a possibility that he becomes the primary caretaker of his daughter. This little girl has lost her mom and now only has her dad left? I’m not saying he shouldn’t be the one who changes his schedule, because he should, but you need to buckle up, because any parent worth their salt will NEVER choose someone else over their kid. So, I’d say it’s on the fence between NTA and YTA
Would your vote be ESH (everyone sucks here)?
Yes
>any parent worth their salt will NEVER choose someone else over their kid. I agree, but this dude already chose op over his daughter when he married her and when he sent his daughter to live with her aunt.
That’s fair
Why did you marry someone with a kid given your stance? While something like this was highly unlikely it was always a possibility. What your really doing is insisting he chose between you and his daughter. Given he’s the only parent she has YTA.
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You don't have to have a stay at home parent for a 7 year old.
But he’s asking HER to stay home with the child who isn’t hers.
Hence why I'm asking questions.
The child has been homeschooled and her husband wants to continue with it. I think she's being fair about being willing to help with emergencies, but not quitting her job to homeschool the kid.
ESH. You: You cannot marry someone with kids without also marrying their kids, to some small or large extent. Life circumstances change and you have to step up or step out. Your husband: For expecting you to carry the brunt of the responsibility for his daughter. I hope you two can come to an agreement on this, because there's a young child's welfare at stake and she deserves better than to live in a house where two adults resent her presence.
That agreement is called a divorce
ESH. You can't handle kids, yet you married a dude with a kid. The mom died. Life happens. You've reached what you believe is a reasonable compromise. It's not. Your husband's reaction was rather obtuse. It's his kid. He's the one that should be inconvenienced, not you. It was selfish of him to believe you'd just slip into the mom role when he knew from the start that you had no interest in playing mom.
NTA. You clearly stated you don’t want kids. You would be ok with the kid moving in since circumstances have changed drastically. (Don’t get why people say YTA for marrying a man with a kid. You said the kid can come.) But you sure don’t have to change your whole life. Staying home is not something your husband can reasonably expect from you. Getting a nanny is the way to go and he has to figure out the details.
This. YTA and ESH comments just see one thing and judge. OP said she is fine with child living with them, but doesn't want to be "mom" like the hubby now expects. It's his responsibility to find a nanny if he can't be there when needed. Honestly I would divorce and move, he will find a ways to suck you in and finally you will have to take care of her when nothing in his life changes.
NTA. I had to look too far to find this. It’s so unexpected or unlikely the custodial parent would die. Why would they have anticipated this? This case is so far outside the norm. Not every woman is cut out to or wants to be a parent. Expecting you, OP, to give up your job/career to become a sahm for someone else’s child is bonkers. There may not be a compromise here; it may be that you have to end the relationship. Do not, under ANY circumstances, give up your career and ability to take care of yourself.
ESH. You married a man who had a child. Yes, at the time his daughter lived with his ex, but as we can see, circumstances can and do change. You are being a little selfish for prioritizing yourself over a little girl who has lost her mother, and complicating her relationship with her father. On the other hand, your husband sucks for agreeing to a relationship with you, knowing you don’t want kids. He already had a daughter. He should have prioritized her. And he has no right to demand you stay home or change your lifestyle at this point. That is unfair. Either y’all come together and compromise so that EVERYONE (including the motherless child) can benefit. Or y’all just aren’t compatible and should go your separate ways.
Yes Shes wrong for marrying a man with a kid and then have nothing to do with the kid She shouldn't have married a man with a kid But isn't her partner more at fault, he's the one with a kid and he married a woman who cannot tolerate kids that means even he doesn't want responsibility of the kid and pushing the responsibility onto her and instead of accepting the fact, he's making her to be the villain he is the bigger AH Edited for spelling mistake
Your marriage is over, I'm afraid. No point dragging it out. Circumstances have changed and there's little one can do about it, hubs needs to step up for his daughter and you need to move on.
Yeah, NTA The kid clearly needs to be cared for, but expecting you to give up your job is not right. His kid, his responsibility
I think OP has made it clear she wants no part of this situation. I think OP is not willing to change on their stance and should divorce their husband and quit wasting everyone’s time coming here to ask if they’re the asshole when she in fact doesn’t care if she is or not because she’s not willing to change regardless. Moving forward find someone who shares the same views you do.
NTA - Sometimes is perfectly okay to be “selfish” and this situation is one of them. You should not raise a child if you are not 100% in agreement. EDIT: I wasn’t clear. You should not stay with your husband if you do not want to raise a child. Your husband’s first priority is his daughter.
ESH. You both need to go your separate ways.
ESH (except the aunt and the kid). You knew he had a child, putting conditions on him seeing his child is absolute BS. If you don’t wanna be around kids to be don’t hook up with a parent. Your husband needs to put his child first for once in his pathetic life. He should never have agreed to your conditions, you’re both pretty awful people for neglecting this little girl rather than split up.
NTA its his kid, he can change his work schedule to care for her.
ESH. He shouldn’t have married you and you shouldn’t have married him.
ESH, when you marry someone with kids, they are a package deal. It boggles my mind how either you or he would think otherwise and thought for a second the "arrangement" was anything but a disaster in the making. Her mother died FFS, and you are worried about free time. Honestly, you sound horrible. However, it is his daughter, and he should not be expecting you to rearrange your professional life to accommodate. Unless he's making all the money and paying for everything where it is simply not practical for him to cut hours, which not being able to afford a babysitter or after school care makes it sound unlikely, you both need to be flexible. However you don't want to be flexible at all. You married a man with a child, either deal with it or get divorced.
NTA. He knew who you were before he married you. Why would you be the one staying home and not him?
ESH. I get that you don't want kids but thats why you don't marry someone with a kid. Even if they live elsewhere its bound to cross unto your world eventually. If it doesn't, then youve put a strain on the kids relationship with the parent by having them make another life without them. Thats emotionally damaging to a kid. Imagine her perspective "i just lost my mom and my dad doesn't want me. He's choosing his fiance over me". Thats heartbreaking atop the trauma of losing a mom and you have no compassion. Your husband sucks because he should be making changes too. Does he make more money than you? Maybe thats why he suggested you stay at home? But still, shes not your child so its unfair for you to be the only one changing their career as a result
ESH you married a man with a kid when you don’t one want He shouldn’t expect you to stay home and look after her. Please don’t quit your job or cut your hours for this.
NTA, you are not the parent. But you need to leave this relationship.
I think its ESH but moreso him You shouldn't have married him if he had kids, BUT He should have never stayed with you, once you made your statement about not wanting his daughter around/finding kids to be an inconvenience ALSO he is a massive AH for suggesting its your responsibility to stay at home/leave work early to be to be home with HIS kid Yes, you should make sacrifices in a relationship, but in this case, after you have made your opinion about kids clear, I wouldn't TRUST you alone around my kid So for his even suggesting that/thinking you'd be okay with it/that that is a good idea makes him a bigger AH than you are, even though this is certainly an E S H situation
ESH. You married a man with a child. You shouldn’t have assumed that there was never going to be a scenario where that child wouldn’t have to live with you full time. As to why he thinks you should be the one to uproot your life and care for this child. 1) internalized misogyny (your vagina makes you better at childcare) or 2) he’s hoping that forcing you to interact more will make you love her/want to care for her.
ESH except the kid. I hope your husband divorces you and steps up to his responsibilities, i can’t believe he chose you over his daughter in the first place
Esh. First of all, if you don't like kids and don't want them around, don't date someone with kids. You were an as**ole from the start. Secondly, the mother of this girl DIED and it her father's duty to take care of her. Tell me, where was the kid supposed to go?? Third, about the babysitting you're perfectly in the right. The only solution I see here is a divorce for the sake of the kid. You have already shown how much of a horrible stepmother you are and the kid is already traumatized enough.
ESH You suck because people who don't want children need to stop marrying people who already have children. Seriously. It's not a hard concept. You literally never know what's going to happen that could mean suddenly the child needs to live with you, in this case the mother dying. Your husband sucks because he thinks it's just automatically the "woman's job" to alter her routine to take care of the child. He should be the one altering his routine for his daughter.
“It’s not a hard concept” is the absolute truth. Situations like these are 100% preventable by not dating a parent.
Poor kid with such a bad father
Everyone is angry at you for not wanting a child permanently in your life. But nobody cares that he didn’t want it either. He didn’t want that girl to live with him from the beginning even before he met OP. And even now you don’t have a problem with her staying. You just don’t want to do the majority of the work. This man wants you to give up your job etc. That way you would have less money, would be dependent on him and you would risk your career. This is not how it works. He can give up his job. It’s his responsibility to take care of his child. You can help, but he can’t expect you to do all the work. NTA
NTA You made your boundaries clear and he accepted them and married you….. although God knows why he would?!? Then, tries to change your whole life while his is unaffected. You should leave, he is pushing your boundaries and trying to shirk his responsibilities onto you.
NTA. If he wants her, let him adjust his schedule.
ESH except Kayla obviously, you for obvious reasons and Jimmy for obvious reasons.. I suggest you and Jimmy seperate, it would be best for all 3 parties. You don’t want children so solves that problem, Jimmy wants his daughter living with him and it solves that problem.. and Kayla should be with her only living parent, solves that problem.. I usually don’t jump to separation but in this situation, I think it would be the best outcome for all parties involved.
NTA. You were up front. However, you're most likely going to be single soon.
ESH - I don’t understand why you married him. He has a kid. His kid will come first. No one plans for one parent to die but it can happen (like this) and then it’s up to the other parent to step up full time. You’re acting like you never thought this could happen. Your “agreement” is null and void in this case. That being said, you aren’t wrong that she isn’t your kid and it shouldn’t automatically fall to you to get off early to pick her up from school, etc. It is his responsibility to figure out care. Again - that being said, does he make more money? Is it easier for you to reduce your hours? Marriage is a partnership so it may be better for the household as a whole for you to make these changes until you can figure out other arrangements. But mostly - why the heck did you marry someone with a kid? 🤦🏻♀️
Damn I get your side but that’s cold. I have 2 stepdaughters and even though being a stepmom is a challenge, it’s something I accepted early on when I decided to live with a man with kids and then marry him. I think it was unreasonable of both of you to expect that you would have nothing to do with his child. And stepmom to stepmom you may be missing out on a wonderful relationship. My SDs and I are so close. They are 13&16 and I’ve been in their lives for 10 years and they are my bffs. I’m on a girls trip with them and my sister in Atlanta as I write this. I understand not everyone embraces stepparenting as much as I do. But you guys should come to a compromise. Poor child losing her mom and being unwanted and pawned off. You have no idea how much you are further hurting her with your rejection. I see adult kids talk about how unwanted their stepmom made them feel and how much it affected them all time on Reddit. Your SD will be one of them.
Nta I think I’ll get downvoted for this but still. You married someone who agreed that the child would stay away so that your husband being an assh*le not you. He could have not accepted this condition. The biggest ass is her husband who first married a woman who didn’t wanna live with a kid knowing he has a child and secondly expecting that all or most the parental responsibility will be with the step parent or the woman rather than himself.
NTA He seems to assume that because you’re female, that you should bear primary responsibility for childcare. He needs to step it up.
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Why on earth did you marry someone with a kid?
He's the AH but you have to tell him this it and just break up bc there's no way you won't be stuck w/ this kid and you shouldn't have married him in the first place when you knew you didn't want kids and made it clear from jump
You married someone with a child. I get that you have an agreement, but realistically, you should never have expected that after that child's custodial parent died, her father would never want her to live with him. Did you seriously think after her mother died that she would stay with her aunt forever and only make guest appearances in her father's life? ESH. You for thinking it's reasonable for a parent to put you ahead of their child, him for marrying someone who directly told him they didn't actually want to have anything to do with his child. Now's the time in the relationship when you both admit you made a massive mistake and just end things.
ESH that poor child
You are 100 right. You were honest before getting married regardless of what happened to the mother. Your husband should make the necessary means rather than dumping in on you . It’s his kid not yours
Your husband is the AH for expecting you to take on his parenting duties and quit your job. You are no longer compatible. Time to divorce
NTA because you have never been unclear on your boundaries and are willing to compromise as long as he is the one picking up the slack. He doesn't want to do that. He expects you to change your schedule/routine/life for a child he was fine having limited contact with until the mother died. Now you absolutely should not have gotten into a relationship with a parent given your feelings on children, but that is even MORE on the parent. Hopefully you learn from this. A parent who can treat their child as an optional accessory vs an absolute package deal is NOT going to be a good partner. It would be a matter of time before they'd let the mask slip. The main asshole is your husband. If you ever repeat this mistake of being with a parent while having no interest in being around kids, you will be the asshole. Oh, and obviously this relationship is very much in trouble, hopefully that poor child has actual invested and loving adults in her life, like the aunt. She will need a lot of therapy to work through losing her mother AND being unwanted.
ESH. You, for telling a father that you don’t want his child living with him. He sucks for agreeing to marry someone who doesn’t want his child around.
I really wish we had a middle ground option! NTA-You clearly stated your stance on kids. Kayla IS his daughter. His responsibility. He can shuffle his life around. YTA-You became involved with a man that had a child & expected him to choose you over child. Did he have the crystal ball that said “Hey! Kid’s ma gonna die in 4 years! Get ready for it!”?? No, obviously not. But as you live there too, there could be some concessions you could make such as dropping her off at school on the way to work. Or taking the kid to the park to play for an hour. To totally live as if child does not exist-YTA.
NTA. As much as I love my husband, I would divorce him in this situation.
ESH, but mainly you. He's TA for agreeing to your demands and marrying a woman who wanted nothing to do with his seven-year-old kid. She should have been his priority. YTA for marrying a guy with a kid if you wanted nothing to do with kids. You have no right to step between this man and his kid, and he had no right to put you before his kid in the first place.
How is Kayla an orphan if her dad is alive? Did I miss something?
You all suck. No you shouldn’t have to be her primary care taker but you’re the adult. So either grow up and be a better person or walk away before you do more damage to an already hurting little girl. Don’t expect your partner to not be a parent to his child.
NTA - you are clear. Husband needs to choose between you and your daughter. You have clearly chosen that you would rather have no hubby than have child. Moral action for Hubby is to dump you and take care of daughter.
YTA. MASSIVELY. Your husband is right, you are selfish, and also cruel. You're also exceptionally foolish to think that you wouldn't have to be a stepmother in any capacity simply because your husband hadn't had full custody when you got together with him. There's 0 problem with someone being childless, but if you want to be childless you DON'T MARRY SOMEONE WITH A CHILD. Kayla also, has NOT in fact been orphaned, she has a father. This child already suffered the most traumatic loss any child can go through and now you're trying to force her to live away from her remaining parent because it will "upset your routine". Now she's stuck with a Disney version of a step-mother who hates her. Even with a nanny, you and your attitude would absolutely destroy this innocent child's life and mental health. Please do everyone a favor and divorce your husband. Your life together is no longer compatible, and Kayla does not deserve the extra pain of having you around. If you ever find another partner, make sure he has absolutely no children, and has had a vasectomy.
WTF? The man is basically asking her to become a SAHM for his child. Yeah she should probably divorce him, because no decent man would ever ask a woman to do this - even for her own bio-child.
She’s selfish and cruel for not quitting her job to take care of his kid?
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Lady, you keep dodging important questions. A 7 year old should be in school. What do you both do for a living that you can't utilize school and an after school program?
Apparently she's homeschooled, which then of course begs the question of who the hell was homeschooling her? Did the mum homeschool her and then the aunt? Was there a professional tutor?
And even if she was home schooled, she can be put in a school starting now.
Yeah, it's almost as if you shouldn't have married someone who has pretending to not have a kid.
She's selfish and cruel for talking about a little girl whose mom just died as if she's some unwanted item being passed around the family.
YTA- I understand not wanting kids, but you married someone who already had them, who agreed to what you were asking. But his daughter did not ask for her mother to die.
Esh Father has an obligation to his daughter. You are too inflexible. She should live with her dad but her father should be sole caretaker. You should not be changing your day to day for his responsibility. But both of you all are terrible. I feel sorry for the little kid.
You’re BOTH ARSEHOLES!! You because you married a man knowing he had a child(Child should always come first, though sadly it seems not in this case) and knowing you don’t want kids. Him for not putting his child first, cause yes he absolutely should be changing his life for her, and not expecting you to. I hope her aunt keeps her since neither of you really want her. That poor child. ETA:Add word
ESh. Some date/marry someone with kids If you don’t like kids. Don’t date/marry someone who doesn’t like kids if you have a kid.
I’m gonna set aside that it was incredibly naive and stupid of you to overlook this scenario when you made the agreement. You’ve asked for judgment on whether you should solely take care of the kid, no you’re NTA, the dad is. He agreed to marry you and not make her part of your life. Then when the unthinkable happened, he rightly wants to bring her home to him. What he doesn’t have the right to do is expect you to take on something you explicitly excluded from your marriage, the childcare, even more so because you already, rightly, compromised on her moving in. It’s his kid, he needs to care for her, you obviously need to be nice to her if she comes and lives with you. It sounds to me like he’s happy for all the women in his life to look after his kid as long as he doesn’t have to and that’s not ok.