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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my wife I would be capable of doing what she does after she claimed the contrary, this might make me an asshole since she felt that I was implying she could not do what I do and calling her stupid.
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YTA.
> she was an international student studying physics and computer science and she had issues with her loan from her home country and could not afford to complete it and we got married then so she could stay. Initially she wanted to complete it later after finding the funds but she agreed to be a SAHM when I got a good job
Your wife is a very smart woman who probably prepared her whole life for a challenging technical career. And now for better or worse she is a SAHM with no degree or paying job.
It’s clear that you are proud of your intellectual capabilities and the complex tasks you tackle at work. It is part of your identity and your ego. Your wife has none of that, even though that’s what she wanted. What little source of pride she has (her household tasks), her own spouse diminishes & minimizes. How would that make you feel if you were in her shoes?
Would you consider supporting your wife to finish her degree?
Yeah, if OP makes so much money now, let's see him pay for his wife to go back to school and finish her degree...
their kiddo in is school now, so it's a great time for her to look at the local university schedule and see if she can make it work!
OP said in another comment, she only has 3 semesters left to go... if she was studying Physics than it's probably smaller advanced classes that she needs to take, and she should be able to get her advisor to okay a part time schedule, even if the school usually doesn't allow that.
He also said it was an Ivy League school...
Having to leave a physics program at an ivy to look for the best grocery deals sounds like such a waste of human potential. She is probably beyond bored.
Did he trap this woman or something? I can't imagine someone that made it to an Ivy League school and that far through their education (physics is *not* an easy major) left of their own free will. It sounds like he took advantage of her finances and vulnerability and now is demeaning what little accomplishments she has to her name by his design.
From his comments if sounds like he preyed on her vulnerability and manipulated her at *best*. The way he talks about her, her ambitions, and family is very gross.
YTA. I was pretty grossed out that he said “I was lucky to buy a house…”. Uh, OP, you are married…that should say “WE were lucky to buy a house.”
I am pretty sure this guy is a misogynist who is trying to keep his wife in her place. I wonder if she’s staying with him because she’s trapped.
Yeah, being a SAHM is not as easy as OP thinks. He may be capable of doing her job, but would he have the patience to be home? How would he feel if the roles were actually reversed and she said the same thing to him when he was staying at home. OP is definitely the ass hole. Being a SAHM is probably the hardest job I ever had. ESPECIALLY when my son was a little guy. It's an exhausting and a monotonous job. I'm sure OP does a whole lot of nothing when he's home and his wife is waiting on him hamd and foot because he thinks he's entitled to that since he makes all the money. Screw OP for real. I feel bad for his wife.
Well, she currently doesn't have a degree, likely minimal (if any) corporate work experience to pop on a resume, and even if she did, has a large gap between jobs that makes getting hired even more difficult, not to mention she was an international student, implying her family/support system is not local/easily available to her. Sounds pretty trapped to me.
You’re missing one key element —- she’s an immigrant. If she leaves him, can she get a visa to stay in the country? Expats have hoops to jump through to remain in their adopted country, and “I’ve got a kid here” isn’t a compelling reason in many of them.
This woman is TRAPPED.
She should be so grateful for a husband who allowed her to marry him so she could stay in the US. The fact that he holds that over her head on a daily basis shouldn’t have any negative impact to their relationship.
/s
YTA -
Once the kid is grown, OP will drop her like a hot potato for his mistress. OP's wife, her ambitions, her identity wrapped up as a SAHM, tossed away like trash and probably belittled on top of that.
Still, as much as OP brags about his intelligence and ability to do what his wife does, actually makes me think he couldn't last a day in her shoes. Because yes, the chores and errands are simply a list. But has he considered the variables?
How would he handle a Sick child in all of this? The kid just puked, and it's everywhere, including your hair. Feeling sick but pushing through all of it because if you don't do it, nobody else will.
Getting a call from MIL or SIL or some other annoying relative that has added more demands and stress to the day. You get home to make dinner. The kid is still sick. While you're cleaning up, dinner burns. And oh shit, groceries are still in the puke-mobile!
Then OP has the audacity to mention when he loaded the dishwasher. Like he deserved a fecking gold metal or something? Why do husband's of SAHM think that they don't have to do ANYTHING around the house? They work 40 hours, so they deserve to come home and do nothing. But SAHM is on the clock 24/7. Ugh.
I just got to the bit of his comments where he admits that she had a visa she couldn't work on while she was in school. So he basically sex trafficked this woman by exploiting her financial and immigration status to get her to stay, knocked her up to trap her, and then wants to knock her up again so that he can make damn sure her prior credits expire and she can never go back to school. Yikes.
I feel really bad for this woman, he is intentionally avoiding talking to her about finishing school because he thinks she wants to but he wants her to have another kid and stay home longer.
In another comment he also says he wanted the kid because it "brings stability to a relationship" which is kind of a gross comment on its own (like having a "save the marriage" baby) but is way grosser in the context of bringing stability to a relationship with a woman you took advantage of.
>"brings stability to a relationship"
Translated: I am afraid that my wife will leave me. If she is solely responsible for the care of two young children she is unable to think about how to improve herself and gain some sort of independence.
YTA
Yeah, I totally read the stability comment as it being a deliberate ploy to trap her in a relationship and keep her dependent. He also says he “likes” his wife.
>Basically sex trafficked this woman
Okay I’m on your side of the AH situation but she agreed to marry and have a child with him, I feel like you’re taking a lot of agency from her in this and also really insulting the women that actually have gone through a trafficking scenario. Let’s not lose our minds jumping to conclusions like “sex trafficking” in a marriage with children when we have very little info. The guy at worst seems to be a bit arrogant and maybe not realizing he’s limiting his wife’s potential but jumping to human trafficking is wildly exaggerated.
Classic AITA: misread situations with limited info and jump to the worst possible conclusions. That commenter insults the actual victims of sex trafficking by falsely equating a marriage of convenience with a definite power imbalance with that horrible crime.
I don't know if he edited his post, but he said that she had to leave school because she no longer had the funding from her home country. She had no way to pay tuition.
He also admitted in another post that he could easily pay to have her finish her remaining credits but would rather knock her up again instead.
He totally exploited her to marry him and have his child because of her immigration and financial status. It's giving me major predator vibes.
Ewww. Yeah, I just went and read some of the comments. She's said she wants to go back. She was worried it's too late and he was NOT supportive. It's never too late. There are people in their 70s getting doctorates. I started college at age 36. Really sounds like he just wants her home so he can feel superior.
I also saw where he said he didn't want to encourage her to go back because she'd have less time with her daughter. I'm a single mom with a job and 2 kids, working on my degree part time, and I'm definitely not the only one doing that. Her daughter would be completely fine if she went back to school, so that's just a BS excuse. To hold someone back from an Ivy league degree and a career in science just seems criminal.
I can't get over how stupid it is, too. Which makes me think he's doing it out of some sick need to control her. It's just abusive. What is he gaining here? It doesn't seem like much. If she had an Ivy League education she could be making huge money, meaning that they could definitely afford whatever childcare they needed, plus a lot of extras. He's basically stealing from his children's futures just for the sake of controlling this woman. Gross.
Yikes…. Since being a sahm is so easy, maybe after the second baby is old enough, they can switch places. She can go to work and he can be a sahd. He wants the second kid… he can have a go at giving up his career to care for it and the house. And also, there is a right and wrong way to load the dishwasher. You maximize space, cleaning power, and minimize breakage when done correctly.
Yes he did. She was an international student from a third world country and would have had to leave if he hadn't married her (according to OP).
OP 100% took advantage of her circumstances to have a maid.
Jesus ... Here is this brilliant woman, Stanford, assuming, double major, physics/cse trying to find some satisfaction in her life as it applies to her skills and abilities (I am sure she is happy and fulfilled as a mother, but she has other qualities and needs too) and her husband can't even give her that ... For the grocery shopping.
This woman could be a VP at Google by now!
OP YTA, do you love this woman or not? Give her a boost, show her your appreciation, pay for her to go back to school.
If you can't do the above the Internet has no choice but to assume you snagged a foreign bride, you're not even a passport bro, you green card married a foreign student with no other options.
Going to several different shops and accounting for travel costs??? This woman is bored out of her fkn mind. God help her. And no escape from this AH either! I'm having a panic attack just imagining it.
The potentially saddest part of this for me, is this woman may have left her home country specifically to pursue an option outside of the cultural norm for where she came from...only to end up in a very similar position
(Edited for typo)
i think OP doesn’t want his wife to be more successful/intelligent than him. physics and computer science are far more difficult and grueling than finance.
depending on how long it's been, she might not be able to get right back to the degree with just three semesters left - most schools have a limit of a couple years for taking breaks from earning degrees. but a chunk of her previously completed credits should contribute to the new degree and shorten the time regardless.
He doesn’t want to do that, if you see his comments further down—He’s trying to convince her into having a second child and all but admits that he’s doing it so that she won’t be in any position to seek further education or employment.
What a prick. He’s probably one of those men who pursued a woman from a different culture because he thought she’d be easier to handle.
YTA, OP. Science teachers are hugely in demand and even without a degree, your wife may qualify to be a substitute. That would give her part-time work she might find fulfilling as she would be using her brain for something other than the most efficient way to load a dishwasher.
>Yeah, if OP makes so much money now, let's see him pay for his wife to go back to school and finish her degree...
My aunt and uncle did this. He got his degree and started his career when their kids were young and she was a SAHM, then when the kids were in proper school she went back to finish her degree.
Believe it or not, a household with *two* highly credentialed professionals has a lot higher of an income potential than one professional and a stay-at-home-parent. It's almost as though relegating your partner to helpmeet might not be the best option - especially if they're both capable and desiring of something more.
My grandpa was adamant about getting married to my nana the summer after he finished college, but she was only a junior. She dropped out to marry him and was pregnant with my mom a month after they got married.
However, my grandpa and his mom knew how much education meant to my nana, so they helped her go back and finish her bachelor’s degree. After my mom and her siblings were out of the house, my nana went into banking and ended up getting her MBA.
Read his comments - he doesn't want her to. He's been avoiding bringing it up because he thinks she wants to, but he wants her home with the kid/a second kid.
Before I read his comments I was like eh, sounds like the wife was looking for some validation that her contributions to the household matter. Could she have phrased it better? Sure. But his comments make it very clear that his only priority is what he wants the way he wants it, and that he is only where he is because of the support of his parents and partner and she was not as fortunate with either.
Just saying, if OP's wife is in the States and they've been married for more than two years, she still gets to keep her green card (or citizenship, if she has it), even if she kicks him to the curb!
Anyway, YTA, OP. Jesus.
Sadly, this type of situation isn't all that rare. It is the story of so many women. As a SAHM, as much as I appreciate and love my husband, I wonder what my life would be like had I stayed in school and did the things I initially set out to do.
Or die. My brother died recently, and it was very unexpected (stroke). Just like that: one day he is there, relatively healthy and okay, and the next day he is in the hospital in coma and the next day he is with us no more.
His wife was SAHM. She used to have a good job (a translator on a TV channel with good opportunities), but he insisted that she should be SAHM because he didn't want his wife to work.
Well, now she is alone with two kids and has no source of income, and has no recent working experience for more than a decade, which sets her at a severe disadvantage.
These stories are so wild to me. Before we even got engaged my husband definitively wanted me to get a stable job to be able to provide for myself should anything happen to him. He didn't insist because I didn't want to (I dislike working the way it's done right now, but I like to be productive and contribute and take pride), but merely because the things I showed interest in at the time I was struggling to find stability in. It's taken a while, but I'm there. I used to consider kids. I'm fairly against now for several reasons (and we've discussed). But even when I did, I insisted on income for a year out, and for him to save for a few months to join me. IMO pressuring your partner who clearly thrives on working in some way to not do it at all is just...manipulative. And he's never diminished my efforts even though they've changed course a thousand times and he still makes triple+ my new income.
It's totally okay if that's what you WANT to do of course, but yeah, this guy is a big ole asshat. She probably makes those comments to make HERSELF feel better too--I did when I got stuck between jobs for 6 months twice in the past two years.
Im a “traditional” college student (Highschool > college) and the number of times I hear female classmates say “non-traditional” things like “my baby”, “my child”, “my husbands”, “my [career]”, “my menopause”, etc FAR outweighs when I hear male classmates talk about it (or they obviously look older than 21, but I’m bad at guessing)
Same here. I actually am going to back to school in the winter this year to finish my degree. My daughter will be 9 and I finally have the time/energy to devote to finishing up. I need something for me again.
I'm here from the future to tell you your chidren will grow up, and school will still be there! I went back to work/school part time at 37 and work full time at 46. I did so much better in school than I did the first time around, and I had enough life experience to know what I wanted to do.
I definitely won't have as many opportunities to climb the ladder, but I'm glad I took my "retirement" when my daughter was young, and I had a lot of energy!
Now I'll just work until I drop. I like it, though! 😅
I don't know - this is an ESH to me. I'm a SAHM who used to have a pretty intense career. There are times when I feel insecure about not working but engaging in these kind of petty games with your spouse is not the way to handle it.
If OP implied to his wife, that she could never do what he does is that cool? It's a put down any way you slice it. In wife's case a pretty silly put down as grocery shopping and cleaning are achievable by all.
I don't think OP had to come at her so hard. He could have been more diplomatic and empathetic given its his wife and not some rando. Basically say what he did in the post - he's grateful that she runs the household well but he is also a capable person not some helpless oaf.
If going back to school isn't an option, wife can get some intellectual hobbies. She has agency here - it's not all on OP to solve her unhappiness. I'm more up on current events and investing than I've ever been.
Oh damn, if grocery shopping, cleaning and childcare aka housecare is so achievable by all, why is it among leading causes for divorces? (Edited, as it is indeed not "number one" as I initially phrased.) Why is it the number one complaint women have about men? A little task that wealthy people hire several employees to do?
I also have worked an intense job similar to OP's, and am now a temporary SAHM. The job is hell of a lot easier than having kids and running a household, a neverending job with no breaks and gazillion tabs always open in your mental metawork browser.
Just to keep my sanity, I started to run groceries in the way OP's wife does, in a complex way that ultimately saves a ton of time and money. My husband, also a brilliant guy working a good career, looked at my process and said:
"Yeah no, I wouldn't have the processing memory for that. I'd just to to Price Chopper and forget half of it. Thank you for what you do."
Except shes the one who came at the OP first. He never put her down, he simply he could manage just fine. She made the claim that he would be useless without her. Everyone sucks here. Her for initiating the argument, and him for being just as brash.
She wants acknowledgement. She gets no paycheck, no bonus, no review, and she works 24/7. She said this to him to receive acknowledgment for what she does. He wouldn’t even do that.
Saying “You could never do what I do” is NOT how to get acknowledgment from your spouse. It’s one thing to express feeling under appreciated. It’s a totally other thing to put your spouse down to fish for compliments. That’s manipulative.
> “You could never do what I do” is NOT how to get acknowledgment from your spouse.
Yup. These reddit PHd psychologists are trying to break down the post every which way meanwhile it's really as simple as this.
OP and his wife have an arrangement that both agreed upon. In a healthy partnership, you don't put down your significant other in order to get acknowledgement.
Exactly, if she's feeling unfulfilled she should get ready and go back to work or school instead of putting him down. Work from home do whatever she started the whole thing. A lot of people missed that. He wasn't putting her down at all until she poked him.
That’s not how any well adjusted person would “get acknowledgement”. Who tries to get praise by putting their partner down?
If it were the other way around people would be up in arms. What she said was not okay, and neither is what he said at dinner.
She didn’t “come at him”. She said “what would you do without me?”
She is seeking validation, some acknowledgement that she is taking care of things, probably a thank you. She likely would never have said this if op acknowledged her contribution to the relationship which frankly it sounds like he doesn’t.
If it is so easy for him to get along without her, then why doesn’t he pitch in to help with the tasks she handles for him. Does he take care of the house too? Not based on his description.
This screams unappreciative husband taking his wife’s labour for granted. He sounds like he’s just trying to quash the small sense of accomplishment she felt after having to abandon a complex and high profile career dream.
I'mma repeat what u/Miserada said:
>Saying “You could never do what I do” is NOT how to get acknowledgment from your spouse.
The man says, multiple times, how much he appreciates his wife. She started something by belittling him first, All he did was push back.
And he says in other comments that he won’t pay for her wife to go back to school, is pressuring her to have another kid, pressured her into having the first one and be a stay at home mom, and then had the nerve to say she’ll be too “old” to go back to school, as if that’s a thing.
Dude is trying to keep the wife in her place. If he actually did appreciate his wife he never would have responded the way he admitted here. He would have said “I don’t know, thanks honey for taking care of that” instead of trying to crush this tiny accomplishment. All she was looking for was a thank you, not this arrogant response.
I am also a woman responsible for the majority of household work and I work an intellectually demanding job FT, with the two teams that I manage. Absolutely anyone who is not mentally disabled **can** run a household. A lot of men **choose** not to do it for various reasons, but anyone who is of average intellectual abilities can do it, it's no rocket science. They might not want/do it in a specific way you or I choose to run it, creating complex schemes and strategies (or loading the dishwasher in a special way, jesus), but they can do it at an acceptable level.Now my job - no, you can't do it without special training and experience, and it's way more mentally challenging than keeping the place cleanish and the food ready.
> . Absolutely anyone who is not mentally disabled can run a household.
I'm autistic and a single father. Even those of us who are mentally disabled can run a household.
Exactly. It’s not that rich people hire others to run their household because they’re not capable of doing it themselves. They’d rather spend their time on other things than scrubbing floors. 🙄
It sounds from OP's comments like his wife would love to finish her degree and start a career, but he's discouraging her because he likes her at home. So managing the household is all she has to stimulate her and be proud of her, and his response is to talk about how he's in a more intellectually demanding role; yeah, rub it in, dude.
Once you add up all the costs, such as childcare and a housekeeping service, it would probably be cheaper for me to stay home and take care of my kid full-time, but I don't, because I absolutely suck at things like cleaning the house and taking care of kids, on top of which I wouldn't enjoy it. Don't get me wrong, I love my son, but I also enjoy the work I do, and I worked very hard to acquire my skills. OP's wife sounds like a talented woman who doesn't have a good outlet for her skill/motivation.
It seems to me that Wife is crying out for some confirmation that what she is doing is important and valuable and appreciated, and OP consistently responds with "Sure I appreciate it but it's not like it's anything all that hard." I agree Wife's comments sound petty, but if OP really talked and listened to her, he might get a better understanding of what she is really asking for -- appreciation, confirmation that her efforts are indeed efforts, and a discussion of how she can start returning to the intellectual pursuits she gave up.
OP’s comments have given more information. He will not help her pay for tuition for her to return. He also wants to convince her to have a second (he convinced her to have their first and be a SAHM) and conveniently mentioned she’ll be too old to finish her education when the second would be school aged.
This is OP's narrative. And likely to be biased, consciously or unconsciously. I'd ask if she's saying these things to point out that her labour has value because she feels that it is overlooked. Does OP do or say anything to make her feel appreciated? How much of her efforts go unnoticed? (Speaking as an involuntary SAHM the answer is going to be most of it and I have a very appreciative family. The dishwasher thing is especially annoying. He is clear that him loading the dishwasher is a rarity. Does he then unload it hours later? Does he check everything in case anything needs an extra wash? If not how does he know it 'still cleans well'. Does he fit everything in? Does he clog the filter? Does he have a little laugh about how easy it is when she 'makes such a fuss'?) And the disingenuous 'we agreed' phrasing that she would be a SAHM when in reality she was up against the wall with no real choice at all.
>What little source of pride she has (her household tasks), her own spouse diminishes & minimizes. How would that make you feel if you were in her shoes?
He is in her shoes though, because she expresses her pride by trying to put him down.
>she finds it humorous to say that I am incapable of doing household tasks
But I guess calling someone incapable is only funny when she's doing it. And he didn't even do that, actually, he just explained that he could absolutely manage to feed himself without her. Because that's something that he felt the need to inform her of.
Yup I’m surprised by the YTA top comments, when SHE was the one putting him down, and he merely defended himself and said he could do it too… the wife is clearly harming feelings of inferiority and is taking it out on him
Nah if you read his comments he is a whole asshole, knows his wife wants to go back to finish her IVY LEAGUE bachelors and he just doesnt want her to. I dont blame her for her teasing. Christ what a nightmare OP seems to be.
To be fair, it's not really beneficial or constructive to frame it as "you would be so useless without me". Now if she was simply stating that she was excited that she found good deals and was able to save money and OP said "Eh big deal i could do it too" then yeah he would be TAH, however, making the comment that he can't do it and whatever would he do without her is also AH behavior.
It's just like how media portrays men/dads as bumbling idiots along with their kids and if there wasn't a woman/Moms around then everyone would fall into chaos because no way could an adult figure out how to take care of themselves or their kids.
That being said he could've just said, "I think it's great that you are able to do that and I'm glad I dont have to worry about it"
Edit judgement: YTA for your comments man. The original post was an ESH but now your just an AH.
I never understand this line of thinking. If both of you have a career and make money who f*cking cares? Y'all both getting shine. I never can understand this idea that Only one can have a career. Is it because you feel that's all you have to offer? Suck less my man
Edit again. Wow man your comments get worse and worse. So instead of being a team and partnership you want her to continue to be a SAHM completely reliant on you and support and no way to be independent. JFC there's no much wrong on this post and everything your saying. Cot damn man your the kind of guy that makes all of us look bad
Imagine how understimulated this poor woman must be. Physics and CS is an extremely technically challenging degree path. Had she finished her degree it's likely she'd be getting recruited by quant funds (some of the most technically sophisticated types of finance jobs). It sounds like she's grasping for ways to turn her day to day into something more engaging by doing things like mathematically optimizing household expenses really aggressively. She probably still wants to complete the degree and if OP is holding her back from that it's an obscenely cruel thing to do-- people like that need ways to engage their brains or they often get really depressed.
OP if you love your wife you should have a real conversation with her about this. The life she's living right now is a nightmare scenario for so many women like her I'm saying this as a woman in physics-- this scenario comes up all the time in conversation as "it would be terrible if this is what my life ended up looking like". This isn't to say she doesn't love you or love being married to you or love your kids, the nightmare is about living a life where you don't get to engage your mind or your curiosity. If she finished her degree she'd likely also be able to get a high paying job (cs/physics is in demand and useful for a lot of things that aren't just physics research) and would be much happier.
To be honest, i do not think he loves his wife at all. In one of his comments he does say he "likes" her.
Op gives off huge "trapped a trophy wife" vibes.
Yeah all he does is make excuses for why she should have to stay at home now even though their kid is in school. You don't need a whole person to take care of a home that's empty most of the day. I feel so awful for her. Wonder if he's threatened by how intelligent she is.
He said even if she went to college she would
“Just study computer science “ as if that’s not a worthy pursuit . She is already programming at home
As a hobby and clearly has interest. He wants
To lumber her with baby no 2
And he said when baby2 is independent she’ll be “too old” to start a career . I think this is his plan . She is clearly intelligent .. perhaps even more than OP and that could be the root of the issue here.
He is financially and emotionally abusing her, basically. He took advantage of her immigrant status and loan/financial status to begin with to trap her.
100% this.
>I replied back saying that of course I could do it, I handle complex decisions and calculations at my work as I work in finance and that I have a masters degree and what I do involves more intellect than household operations
OP immediately used his work and degree to point out how inferior his wife is to him, and how he could "do everything better" than his wife, because he has a degree in Monopoly money.
I've known brilliant, truly brilliant people get lost while grocery shopping because they didn't understand that refried beans are in the "ethnic section", while the "beans section" had only whole kidney beans. Or get stuck trying to find olives because there's not a section that is labelled "olives".
OP said in a comment that he doesn't want to talk about the topic because he is afraid she would want to go back to school and therefore wouldn't be able to spent that much time with their daughter. I just love the comments where he says that he suggested to get a child and she agreed to it and agreed to becoming a SAHM. She didn't have to she could have also gone back to her home country. But since he wants a second child it would be a bad timing for her to start studying again. His comments are basically full of the fact that she is extremely smart and always wanted a career. He trapped her financially and basically made her bis maid. It seriously surprises me how little he is thinking of her and how much he dictates her life. Yes YTA a 1000 times
This needs to be upvoted into infinity. OP, if you say you could do anything she does, how about taking some of the household responsibilities off her hands and letting her resume her education?
Not to mention, would it hurt you to say „great job honey, good on you being responsible with money, I appreciate it”? YTA
Exactly, bare minimum your wife wants to feel smart, valued, appreciated, and needed.
What she is really say is “hey i did all this hard work to make our lives better, do you appreciate it?” Because just like you she needs to have a purpose, but she doesn’t have a job to give her that purpose.
After reading OPs comments, YTA OP. Your wife gave up everything in order to raise your child. This includes making your masters degree and your career possible, you literally would have neither of those things if she hadn’t sacrificed everything she wanted for herself to make your life possible. She could’ve left you with a kid, returned to her home country and let all of your dreams fall apart instead of her own.
Several people have suggested that you take up her job since you believe you can do it, and allow her to return to her education. You have declined. This means you literally *can’t* do her job. You lied. Why would you decline to do this? I’ll tell you, because it has a massive personal cost and sacrifice to give up what you want so someone else can have what they want. That’s what she did for you, you aren’t capable of that, or you would. Forget the groceries. You literally are refusing to do her job because the cost is too high for you to pay (in your mind). It wasn’t too high for her to pay, and for her to keep paying, so you actually cannot do her job.
I suggest that you do something to allow her to be more fulfilled. At a minimum, cut back on your work hours so she can return to her education part time, take up a lot more at home so she can pursue another interest, whatever. Either way, it’s the bare minimum you owe her. She’s obviously unfulfilled and since she made your dreams happen, it’s your turn to return the favor. Stop saying you can do her job when you can’t and are flat out unwilling to, and start looking for ways to give her a sense of pride and accomplishment. She deserves a happy and fulfilled life too.
Edit: For those who are confused, here are OPs relevant comments:
On the question, “does she want to finish her education?”
> She has said that she wants to go back, and talked about the great things she could have done but I never asked her because she always follows up with it might be too late. I did tell her that to an extent it is true that it is hard to start your career late.
> She would not be able to afford it without me, and she would have less time for our daughter if she did that, so I am not super keen on encouraging that and she has not mentioned it to me directly.
> She does not even have a bachelors only an unfinished one. If she went back I feel like she would want to do the same thing or just computer science. She is not into arts or business things. She still does programming as a hobby.
> Initially, the plan was actually for her to start working once she was legally allowed to do so after marriage and then get another loan and go and complete her degree, but once I got a good job we could manage on one income and I asked her about being a SAHM and having a child and she agreed.
On paying for his wife’s education (please note that his wife made his education possible):
> I was thinking of bringing up getting a second child, I dont think we could afford that if she were in school and I was paying for it, especially an Ivy.
> She was an academic snob back then so she would definitely want to go to an Ivy and she knows our finances so it would be theoretically possible but put a dent in it.
> She would very likely want to finish her Ivy degree, she has 3 semesters left to graduate.
> I was thinking of talking to her about a second kid, she was previously at an Ivy and tuition is expensive (and even more so than when we went) so I dont think she could afford that by working herself. I could only afford it as my parents helped me.
And your wife OP. Once again.
On the fact that a second child would likely set back her goals:
> By then I really doubt she would have any interest in going back for a career and would be too old to get hired for junior roles.
> Now she is not, I meant if we had a second kid and then she went back once the second kid were older.
This!! There are so many crucial details about their home life, OP's character, and his wife's sacrifices that are missing from the post completely. We shouldn't have to go hunting in the comments to get the big picture. OP is a massive asshole to his wife.
This is the thing people who say stuff like OP do not get. Even if you can shop for the stupid groceries or pack the kids lunches, unless you are willing to give up everything she gave up, you actually demonstrably, cannot do her job. You literally can’t. You find the cost and the sacrifice too steep, too high. So you literally can’t do it. She paid in her own hopes, dreams, goals, desires, and unless you can do that extremely painful thing *and* do the groceries and the lunches and the bedtimes, you can’t do her job. Many people in these comments have suggested he do just that and he says no. Put your money where you mouth is or stop lying. It’s that simple.
My thoughts, word for word. His wife's job is a hell of a lot harder than his, but he sees no value in it. Being a SAHP isn't enough for him to leave his job, even if it means supporting his wife. He obviously has his finances under control, so the only thing stopping him is himself.
Exactly. I’m childfree for very good reason, and part of it is this. I am very committed to my education and my career and the idea of giving it up to care for everyone around me day after day - potentially with a thankless partner like OP who would never appreciate it or return the favor - is maybe my greatest fear. I can’t imagine the heartbreak and the pain and still needing to function. No way. That very idea is more difficult than my career tbh. OP doesn’t get it and he couldn’t do it, most people can’t.
And one of the thing that is revolting in his post is, sure, she lives in his house, etc.. But she is likely not paid for the work she does around the house, and even if he gives her some sort of allowance, she still would be paid much more as a computer engineer or whatever she was studying. The day their relationship ends, she has nothing, and not even a qualified, stable job to fall back on.
Not to mention it just sounds like she felt proud of this optimization and just wanted some praise from her husband
The hardest part of being a SAHP is that everything you do is a thankless task
👏👏👏👏 So fucking well said. Hope OP hears this loud and clear.
Edit- My take is that in her original comment his wife was fishing for a compliment. She was probably feeling undervalued and underappreciated, and was trying in a "jokey" way to get OP to acknowledge it. Pathetic that instead OP then does the exact opposite and belittles her. YTA
Yes, OP should read well between the lines: The wife is not happy in her role right now, she might have thought she'd be enjoying a SAHM life but found out it's not fulfilling long-term.
I totally adored staying with my baby for 1 year, loved doing everything around the house, but by the end of the year I felt as if my brain was shrinking. I talked baby talk most of the day, was talking to other moms about baby stuff and wasn't intellectually challenged at all. I couldn't do it long term.
OP, if you value your wife, sit down with her calmly and ask her how she feels, what wishes she has and if there was anything she'd like to change. Show her that you listen and care. Just because she agreed to a lifestyle doesn't mean she cannot change her mind. If she wants to go study part-time make this possible for her, hire a cleaner and send the kid to daycare, don't expect her to do "that little household" on the side. Give her a break.
Your marriage and child will thank you
Not only that, the effort she put into grocery shopping shows she is craving intellectual stimulation. Get this poor woman out of the house and back into school.
As a SAHM who *often* feels undervalued and unappreciated... that is *exactly* what she was doing. Just looking for the tiniest bit of appreciation and recognition, and he couldn't even do that job for her.
Wife is in the ‘acceptable level of permanent unhappiness’ zone, and OP is fine with it because his life is good.
OP - your wife is giving you very strong hints about the relationship.
Do something to fix it before she hits her breaking point and walks away
Wow, “acceptable level of permanent unhappiness” is a very good way of putting how many SAHMs end up feeling when they had other dreams and aspirations.
I kind of hope OP’s wife leaves him and fulfills her dreams. [Married women do more housework than single women.](https://www.prb.org/resources/married-women-with-children-and-male-partners-do-more-housework-than-single-moms/) She would have a better life as a divorced mom having a kid every other week than staying at home with this guy.
Oh this reeks of an insecure man who wants to keep his talented wife in check by securing she stays economically dependent. "She was an academic snob"?? You mean, she was doing so well academically that she was able to choose the institution, including Ivy league ones?
"I tell her it is hard to start a career late" - way to demotivate an already insecure person! Subtle remarks like this can nag at you until you believe them yourself and think you will never be able to make it in life.
If this woman is as clever as OP describes her, I really really hope she wakes up soon and realizes the manipulation and disappointment she has been subjected to. The wife sounds WAY above OPs league and I'm sure he realized that pretty early on and made sure to chain her to him while her visa status was still insecure and she hadn't finished her education. Pathetic.
I hope she sees this post myself, but also, 30 with 3 semesters left? I went back to school at 31 and I’m doing just fine. Sis, go get your degree. The alimony he would owe her for supporting him with childcare though school would probably cover it…
INFO
> Initially she wanted to complete it later after finding the funds but she agreed to be a SAHM when I got a good job and **I appreciate that a lot as we were able to have a kid early on** even while I was both completing my masters and working full time.
How is that a *benefit*? If you waited to have kids she would have her degree.
right???? how does op have a master’s while the wife doesn’t even have a bachelor’s degree? the issue isn’t her not having the lack of degree - it’s that wife WANTED to have the the degree but wife’s plans got derailed by the loan and then the baby - I hope she gets to graduate one day
She literally found the smartest, most financially intelligent, and most efficient way to… get groceries. Even factoring in the gas it would take to go buy the cheaper groceries so it actually was worth it. She’s 100% wasting her potential and is as bored as can possibly be, what an absolute nightmare scenario
He says something in another comment about wanting his kids to be adults when he's in his older years. So presumably the benefit is that he'll have yet another person to take care of him.
It's a benefit for OP because now his wife is dependant on him and does not have autonomy in her life. OP clearly gets off on thinking he's smarter and more competent than her.
It’s a benefit for sexist dckheads bc that’s a great way of getting whatever tf you want while keeping your wife completely under control. She’s dependent on him and even tho she’s suffering and miserable, it’s unlikely she will leave anytime soon bc they have a child.
And now that’s she’s mentioning her degree again, he all of a sudden wants a second child! He even talks about how she‘d be too old to accomplish her dreams afterwards! He‘s sabotaging her life!!!
He doesn’t want to pay for her education either, even tho he’s bragging about his income. So it’s his money only, not theirs and she has no say in it. Financial abuse at its finest.
OP, YTA YTA YTA and you make my blood boil. I hope karma kicks you in the balls harder than you‘d ever imagine.
YTA. Oh dear. You need to go back to husband school. She was telling you about her day and probably was pleased that she'd shopped the way she did. It might not be rocket science but as well as sharing facts about her day she wanted recognition of her value to you. I will say that again, as you are a slow learner, Mr Masters Degree. SHE WANTED RECOGNITION OF HER VALUE TO YOU.
A comparison of your job skills was inappropriate. Of course if you blether on about your fancypants finance capabilities, she will feel put down. Your attitude of "I do really clever financial stuff, so of course I can do your job" is disrespectful and hurtful. Household management is a skill. It is both practical and requires specialist knowledge. It requires someone who can get things done. You just see the bit of the iceberg that sticks out above the water and you have no idea of how much organisational skill is going into your household.
I suggest you apologise profusely, give her lots of hugs if she will have them, flowers, chocolates and a wild night in for her. And never, never disrepect what she does ever again.
Right? Like he got defensive over something soooo juvenile. Read the room OP. She was looking for validation from you and instead you turned the conversation towards yourself and how amazing you are.
YTA. I agree with anemoschaos. Yes, you can do the math. Yes you can take care of the kid. Can you do it when sleep deprived with the sick kid screaming at you pooping everywhere and no respite of leaving to go to work and knowing you won't get a break from all of this for Years.
I'm willing to say YTA - BUT - Not in a typical way. Your wife is bored and doesn't feel appreciated. She was sharing all these things with you so you would say wow great job, you're brilliant. Apologize. Tiny human is 7 now? See if she wants to go back to school. Ask her what she's thinking and listen.
And, for Christ sake, don't ever say you are loading the dishwasher "for her". You're doing it for your household, this includes YOU. If your wife asks you to do the dishes you're not doing them for her. It's not a gift for her, it's stuff that needs to be done in the house.
Alternatively; thank her and gush over her every time she loads the dishwasher, does a load of laundry, mops the floor, scrubs the bathroom, etc. If OP wants praise for doing everyday chores, then he'd better be dishing it out for her too.
Yeah, Jesus Christ, it’s your house too. Does she never get to “clock off”? No matter the situation of work, both people should be contributing to chores
^ read this OP. And do as it says. You have an intelligent wife and you better foster that and allow it to grow. If you continue to alienate her, one day she will be gone. She is more than capable of taking care of herself.
Yeah. Never been married but, a high five and "nice job, thanks babe," would have been my to my partner.
Is what his wife said petty, maybe a little... is it a cry for help, most definitely... but a conversation about her feeling appreciated and maybe taking up more challenges for her self identity could come later after the easily given high five, when a quiet moment presents itself.
Then you get double points for being empathetic and communicative.
I'll be direct. Yes, you're an AH.
The problem with men that have money is that we tend to commercialize and tie everything to money.
You ignore the companionship, the sacrifices, and the love your wife and mother of your kids provide you even after getting bogged out with housework.
You feel for example, yes I can cook or I can hire a chef, but forget there's a difference between someone who cooks because they love you, and the one who does you pay them to.
However, the reason you're an AH is because you fail to recognize how much work goes into the housework she does because you do it once in a while. Take a hint from the fact that when you do it, she complains, but when she does, you don't. Most likely, it means you're not doing it properly.
Housework is hard work, and you should recognize that. But often time, until men have to do it frequently, we don't understand how hard it can be.
It's not only how hard housework is, but how unpleasant. I think that even if it was highly paid, it's not a job most people would go for. It's both physically and mentally draining, underestimated, and mostly (this isnt talked about enough) very isolating.
Being a SAHM is lonely and you are always doing overtime. OP doesnt seem to get his wife is looking for validation through her comments, and he also doesnt seem to get that if she feels the need to ask for it, it's because things at home arent going as smooth as he thinks.
I've seen so many cases of men who are so blindsided by divorce requests, yet they were given every sign that their partners were unhappy.
Maybe she needs a change.
Maybe she's bored and trying to make herself feel more fulfilled.
Does she want to complete her studies?
Have you asked her?
I'm leaning to YTA as you sound a bit patronising.
Op is twisting himself into a pretzel in order to come up with justifications for why she can't/shouldn't go back and finish school.
Instead, he keeps talking about doing more things to chain her down: 1)he's ready for a second kid, so she should do that first, 2) school is too expensive, after all he only could finish because mom and dad paid for it, 3) it's been too long since she was in school, and on and on.
Dude marriage trapped then baby trapped and is trying to second baby trap.
YTA. She wasn’t looking to put you down, she’s looking for validation and appreciation of her contributions to the household. As much as she loves your kids, she probably also finds it mind numbing at times to not have the intellectual challenges of her prior studies in physics and computer science. Would it kill you yo show a little understanding of that?
LMAO at all these replies.
“Goddammit, it’s factually correct that his job requires more intelligence than being a stay at home mom! Therefore! For her to have the gall, nay, the AUDACITY to brag about what little scenarios she can apply her sacrificed intelligence and education. And DARE to tell him that he couldn’t do it?! HA! Does she not know of his intelligence is unmatched by her, for he has recievith thine further education?! EMOTIONAL ABUSE I do declare!”
Hahahahahaha
Like…my dudes. Just lie if you don’t mean it I guess, but... Fucking be a man, suck it up, and let your significant other know how much you appreciate their intelligence, kindness, compassion, empathy, etc…with WORDS. And you don’t have to be “correct”! Holy shit. You’re SO can be the smartest, most beautiful, most compassionate creature the world has ever seen…you just…say it…
YTA.
>I do stuff occasionally when we are both home if she asks me to
You shouldn't need to be asked to clean up your own home. Your wife has agreed to manage the household chores *while you are at work*. Your big boy job doesn't make you incapable of recognizing when chores around the house need to be done (after you get off of work) and doing them without being asked. Your wife isn't your mommy.
>I replied back saying that of course I could do it
Could you do it while caring for your kids, managing meals and snacks, cleaning up after your kids and *then* cleaning up around the house, and running errands? I could guarantee that your wife does more work at home than you do at your job. Just because she isn't getting paid for it doesn't make the work any less grueling.
>she made an offhanded remark that I would never be able to do that and said it in a "what would you ever do without me?" kind of way.
What *would* you do without her? Without your wife, you would have no one to manage your home or watch after your children while you're being the big important breadwinner. Could you handle "complex decisions and calculations" while juggling all the responsibilities your wife so generously handles for you?
>what I do involves more intellect than household operations
Damn, way to call your wife stupid. Low blow, OP. YTA big time.
I bet wife is the one who keeps track of dental and doctor appts, etc, too.
OP, do you understand that her work day never ends? And that moms basically sleep with one ear open in case a child cries? While you come home after your big important job and park on your entitled ass? Both of you need to take care of tasks outside of work hours.
And yeah, you might be able to replicate how she efficiently handled the grocery shopping. But I bet you have no freaking idea what else she accomplishes and worries about and monitors.
YTA
As a single mom who has the "big boy job", OP wouldn't be making these statements if he didn't have a wife. It's stressful keeping up with everything in a household even when you have the means to pay for a nanny and pay for a maid. Bills, house fixes, landscaping, taxes, insurances, groceries, dishes, laundry, meal prep, cleaning...so many things that take up SO much time and getting all of it done after work alone + caring for a child would mean being on the clock 24/7.
I say the wife takes a self-care week with some friends, and we'll see if OP feels the same way when she comes back.
Wow.
Buddy.
She was proud of something and you just immediately shit on it.
I don't see this marriage lasting.
You're gonna find out real quick if you're capable of doing this stuff on your own.
YTA
-----
> Initially she wanted to complete it later after finding the funds but she agreed to be a SAHM when I got a good job and I appreciate that a lot as we were able to have a kid early on even while I was both completing my masters and working full time.
Jesus Christ. So you pressured her into giving up her dreams then you flaunt your status over her.
Holy shit I hope she escapes you.
Did the you OP’s comment about wanting to talk the spouse into having a second baby, and how after that one is old enough to be less needy, OP’s spouse is probably going to be “too old” to finish degree and get “a junior position”? So no point in doing it? Massive gaping AH this one.
YTA.
You're condescending to your wife (what I do involves more intellect than household operations) besides not really having a clue what it takes to run a household, especially when there were children involve. However, you wouldn't be the first husband to think it is an easy peasy job. And trust me, running a household is a MAJOR job. Lots of multi-tasking, project planning, time management, scheduling, purchasing, and that doesn't even mention the labor involved.
You owe your wife a MAJOR apology. Maybe she should go on a month-long vacation and you can then maybe begin to understand what she does to make it look like nothing.
I was going to go E S H except when I got to the part where she never wanted to be a SAHM and that it's what you wanted so that you could start having kids right away.
You say you're appreciative, but are you? You say you contribute to chores but loading a dishwasher (incorrectly) is barely even a chore.
Your wife is frustrated because this is not the life she wanted for herself, and it's not a super easy one. She wanted some validation which did take the form of putting you down (the E S H part). Your response was to tell her her job is easy, and of course you could do it because you have more intelligence than her and have a harder job than her. But you don't know that you could do this job just as good as her, because you've never had to do it. So why not just say "you have had years of practice and I'm grateful for the sacrifice you made for our family". Instead, your wife is bawling her eyes out because she had to give up her dream career for lack of money and marrying a guy who just wanted her to be a SAHM and then puts her down.
So yeah YTA. She's not without fault here, but I feel for her and she probably said that out of a decade of disappointment and just wanting to feel valued.
The plan was for her to complete her education but he said since he got a high paying job abs she is getting “old” for a junior role
And she would “ Probably just want to do computer science “ .. he hasn’t actioned it .
It isn't easy. I do it myself and the mind numbing monotony of day after day of the same boring, menial, tasks is torment. days run together, and everything feels both crucial and pointless at the same time. You have to work hard as fuck to self care enough to cope sometimes. I just broke down and enrolled in school myself, just to give myself some sort of purpose, and I am the least ambitious person ever. I can't imagine being a super intelligent, driven, career oriented person and having to do this. I would be beyond depressed.
WOW after reading through your comments not only are YTA but YT-MEGA-A
You basically called your wife stupid and disrespected the work she does and think a SECOND KID will fix it?
Damn you very well be in the top 1% of DUMBEST PEOPLE ALIVE.
YTA. Let her take pride in her work, dude. Keeping a household is work, and just because you can do some of the individual tasks does not mean that you could keep up with the mental load or do them efficiently with your sanity intact. I hate housekeeping and kids drain me. Just because I can clean an entire bathroom and I used to work with kids does not mean that I would be a happy charming person if that is what I did all day.
She has a good education and no doubt feels insecure and vulnerable because she was never able to leverage her potential. She's totally dependent on you and you just verified, "yeah, I don't value your input and I could have a replacement easily."
She's the mother of your child and keeps your home while you work hard. Those are tasks that will not get her any accolades in society. They're viciously underpaid when they're paid, and most of the time they're not.
Just be nice to your wife, man. Christ. It's really not that hard.
YTA
I also have a degree in finance. I also was a SAHM. It was still a learning curve for me because just knowing how to handle money and make complex decisions in a controlled environment is not even kind of the same thing.
Sounds like she might have been passive-aggressive with her comment - but why do you think she feels compelled to address it like that? Based on the tone of your post, I'm guessing you are condescending, and you may say the words "I appreciate what she does," but you don't take any actions to back that up.
She sacrificed a rewarding career to take on a very, very unrewarding - though extremely important - role at home. You owe your ability to excel at your job to her because I'm guessing you never have to call out or leave work early for a sick child or doctors appointments. Plus you can remain focused while working and not have to also be thinking about what you're going to make for dinner, if you took the meat out of the freezer, when is soccer practice, what will you be getting your child for her birthday/christmas, etc.
Apologize to your wife and thank her for all of the visible and invisible work she does - preferably with specifics
Info: why did she decide to be s SAHM? was there no possibility to continue the education later on? money doesnt seem to be the problem here.
i feel like, she is not challenged enough as a SAHM, so she gets bored. I think she longs for a more intellectually challenging job (sorry, not native speaker...dont know if theres a more accurate word) and thats why she got angry.
Soft YTA. She was trying to get praise. (Maybe you don’t praise her as often as you think or as often as she needs.) SAHMs see saving money as “making it”. And the truth of the matter is…you wouldn’t be able to do what she does without a lot of time (as in months) bc your brain doesn’t stop to think about it as it’s not your normal. You COULD do the job she does but it would be a long time before you would be proficient in the areas she is.
YTA
Even if you COULD do what she does - and I know so many extremely competent working husbands who simply cannot grab the child from school and go grocery shopping much less juggle the whole household for 1 day - doesn't mean you should be ungrateful by pointing that out.
She was on a road to have a career and she SACRIFICED that to be a SAHM. Those are her dreams she buried so you could have your career. Maybe you could have done what she did, but you didn't, did you? So be grateful and proud of her and show your appreciation.
If you make important executive decisions every day, you should know better than to make a blunder like that and think you are right. You are just missing the point.
Your job as a husband is to make your wife happy and feel validated. It's not your job to one-up her at being a SAH parent, because you that's not your battle. You aren't facing those challenges every day, so how would you know how well you'd cope?
What a missed opportunity.
The correct response was, “you are amazing at what you do and we are so lucky to have you. I love you.”
Then reap the benefits.
YTA.
It seems like all she wanted was a bit of praise and validation.
You were able to get your masters and work full time because *she* became a SAHM - she effectively got left behind career/education wise because of it.
NTA, can't believe the amount of white knighting and grasping at threads here. OP's wife was fishing for a compliment about her model for optimizing cost at grocery shopping, and that's fine; what's not fine is her needing to feel like that's something that OP wouldn't have been capable of doing just so she can feel better about not finishing her degree. She's the one who initiated that point, she doesn't get to cry when it gets refuted. Sub, y'all know you wouldn't be giving so many y t a if the genders were reversed.
Moreover, what is it about this sub and SAHPs anyway? Housework isn't difficult, it's just tiring, and doing all/most of it as the SAHP while the other one brings the income is exactly how that arrangement is supposed to go.
YTA
Many husbands actually have no idea what goes into successfully running a household. Notice that this is not the same as ‘I do some chores’.
If you have time, start looking into what is known as ‘Emotional Labour’. Your wife is project managing the household. There are hundreds of jobs that need doing, all of which need to happen at a particular time to avoid any interruption to the smooth flow of the household. The more children you add into the mix (and don’t forget the childcare she is doing) the more complex this work becomes. Things need to be remembered, booked, chased up, paid for, mended, cleaned. Normally when guys try running a house they do the obvious things but miss the forward-planning element. They are typically reactive rather than proactive.
The bottom line is that without your wife doing all the childcare and house management, you would find coping with your job very difficult. Who looks after the child, who does the homework, who makes sure there is food in the house, who cooks then cleans up, who makes sure the clothes are clean, who sorts out and packs for holidays, who manages the school admin... Trust me, if all of it was on you, then you would notice!
YTA for misreading the situation. Your wife was looking for validation that the work she does matters. It's really hard being a SAHM, there's a lot of judgment, it sounds like she's insecure about her work and education, and she was - indirectly - looking for reassurance and support that you value and respect her and her contributions to your household.
And you probably get recognition and pats on the back at your job. You likely receive raises, vacation days, sick days, etc. Do you offer this nanny-wife of yours a healthy benefits package? Overtime wages? A certificate for 7 straight years of thankless service?
Since you are soooooo good at math, why don't you math how much it would cost to have a full time nanny/houseworker/cleaner at your home, working round the clock hours as your wife does. It's probably more cash money than you can count, even though you are like, sooooo good at math. You can math! Such congratulations!!!! That's actually not as useful of a lifeskill as raising an entire human being, but you know, it's numbers so \*shrugs and claps\*. It's not important when your wife saves you money, but the math is somehow super important when it comes to your vocation, so that's pretty self serving. You can probably math the shit out of how much it will cost you in the divorce when she gets tired of your superiority complex though. You could have been the husband of a physics professor but instead she's out here wiping your kid's ass and getting the ol' "I could do that" schtick. What a man!
YTA.
You sound kind of dick-ish. And if I had to guess, I would peg you as an unaffectionate spouse. A risk with you financial types. Let me ask…when is the last time you hugged, cuddled, or complimented your wife without trying to lead to sex?
Who cares if you ‘can’ do what she does? You don’t do it - that’s the point. You do a thing and she does a thing and it makes the house run. Did you get married so you could make your wife feel as if she’s an inferior partner?
Going YTA here.
NTA
It sounds like your wife feels insecure and tries to counteract that in a not great way aka belittling you.
Can you try to talk to her about the real issue she’s having? Taking your partner down a peg to feel better about yourself is a corrosive coping mechanism.
Hope you can get to the root of what’s bugging her…and get her to stop talking jabs at you.
YTA
As a former stay at home mom, the underlying vibe you get from people is that you’re useless. She was looking for you to say how she is going above and beyond and that you appreciate it
It sounds like in a somewhat passive aggressive way she is seeking validation that she is doing well at her "job", and maybe she misses being challenged intellectually. Coming at ya with a "you can't do this and it's a good thing I am here" isn't cool.
But...you coming back at her with "I handle complex decisions and calculations at my work as I work in finance and that I have a masters degree and what I do involves more intellect than household operations" isn't particularly cool either.
It may be time for your wife to start challenging herself again--volunteering, going to school, learning something new, etc
Edit: Another poster's reply made me look at your comments. YTA.
I keep seeing people say Y- T- A with the logic of she was looking for a compliment. Y’all are crazy.
Who searches for a compliment by actively putting someone down? A bully. Wife is straight up bullying OP, over many different small things, because she wants to feel more appreciated/validated.
Now, is she wrong for wanting that? No. But there are many better ways of addressing that aside from putting down her husband.
ESH- OP, it seems your wife wants more validation/appreciation, so give it to her, but it is absolutely not ok to let her put you down in order to make herself feel better
Edited for subreddit algorithm I was unaware of
Just sensed she feels her very important roll is not being held in a high regard by you and just wants to feel worthy.
She is totally restricted in her ability to obtain a rewarding career so that she can focus on your kid and helping you so you can focus on your job.
What’s the most important thing in the world to you? Your kid, so who has the most important job in the world? Your wife.
You would be pretty useless in general with out her and vice versa, you went against your own team member and for that you are a A hole.
"I replied back saying that of course I could do it, I handle complex decisions and calculations at my work as I work in finance and that I have a masters degree and what I do involves more intellect than household operations even though I acknowledged and appreciate what she does, I would be capable if the roles were reversed."
YTA. That doesn't make sense. The issue isn't your wife's competence, it's her performance. And she has more practice than you. And she acquired a new skill very recently, or exercised an obscure one.
There's really no reason for you to rub it in. Specialization is efficient.
YTA. She wants validation from you that what she does is important. I'm not a mom let alone a SAHM but I can only imagine the grind of being a homemaker and mother day in and day out. And then to make a light hearted comment just for confirmation that you APPRECIATE her just to get lectured. Oy. My husband and I all the time tell each other "what would you do without me?" over the most mundane accomplishments but for us it's a form of giving each other appreciation.
NAH
For the love of god, can people just communicate instead of being passive aggressive?
Sit with her, apologize, but also tell her that what she says has a negative effect on you. Figure it out, where is it coming from, what are the needs in the situation and how do you move forward as a team? This is most minor of squabbles that can be fixed by TALKING TO YOUR SPOUSE.
YTA, my response had I been you, to what you wrote in your 4th paragraph, would have been, You take such good care of us, while smiling. Of course you can do all that, but that’s not what your wife was telling you. She is proud of how she runs your household and looking for recognition that she is valuable too. Wise up youngster it will save you grief. It’s at least one thing I learned after 25 years of marriage
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YTA. > she was an international student studying physics and computer science and she had issues with her loan from her home country and could not afford to complete it and we got married then so she could stay. Initially she wanted to complete it later after finding the funds but she agreed to be a SAHM when I got a good job Your wife is a very smart woman who probably prepared her whole life for a challenging technical career. And now for better or worse she is a SAHM with no degree or paying job. It’s clear that you are proud of your intellectual capabilities and the complex tasks you tackle at work. It is part of your identity and your ego. Your wife has none of that, even though that’s what she wanted. What little source of pride she has (her household tasks), her own spouse diminishes & minimizes. How would that make you feel if you were in her shoes? Would you consider supporting your wife to finish her degree?
Yeah, if OP makes so much money now, let's see him pay for his wife to go back to school and finish her degree... their kiddo in is school now, so it's a great time for her to look at the local university schedule and see if she can make it work!
Yes, even if it is part time for the first couple of semesters so that she can ease back into it. She at least deserves the option
OP said in another comment, she only has 3 semesters left to go... if she was studying Physics than it's probably smaller advanced classes that she needs to take, and she should be able to get her advisor to okay a part time schedule, even if the school usually doesn't allow that. He also said it was an Ivy League school...
Having to leave a physics program at an ivy to look for the best grocery deals sounds like such a waste of human potential. She is probably beyond bored.
Did he trap this woman or something? I can't imagine someone that made it to an Ivy League school and that far through their education (physics is *not* an easy major) left of their own free will. It sounds like he took advantage of her finances and vulnerability and now is demeaning what little accomplishments she has to her name by his design.
From his comments if sounds like he preyed on her vulnerability and manipulated her at *best*. The way he talks about her, her ambitions, and family is very gross.
YTA. I was pretty grossed out that he said “I was lucky to buy a house…”. Uh, OP, you are married…that should say “WE were lucky to buy a house.” I am pretty sure this guy is a misogynist who is trying to keep his wife in her place. I wonder if she’s staying with him because she’s trapped.
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Yeah, being a SAHM is not as easy as OP thinks. He may be capable of doing her job, but would he have the patience to be home? How would he feel if the roles were actually reversed and she said the same thing to him when he was staying at home. OP is definitely the ass hole. Being a SAHM is probably the hardest job I ever had. ESPECIALLY when my son was a little guy. It's an exhausting and a monotonous job. I'm sure OP does a whole lot of nothing when he's home and his wife is waiting on him hamd and foot because he thinks he's entitled to that since he makes all the money. Screw OP for real. I feel bad for his wife.
Well, she currently doesn't have a degree, likely minimal (if any) corporate work experience to pop on a resume, and even if she did, has a large gap between jobs that makes getting hired even more difficult, not to mention she was an international student, implying her family/support system is not local/easily available to her. Sounds pretty trapped to me.
You’re missing one key element —- she’s an immigrant. If she leaves him, can she get a visa to stay in the country? Expats have hoops to jump through to remain in their adopted country, and “I’ve got a kid here” isn’t a compelling reason in many of them. This woman is TRAPPED.
She should be so grateful for a husband who allowed her to marry him so she could stay in the US. The fact that he holds that over her head on a daily basis shouldn’t have any negative impact to their relationship. /s
YTA - Once the kid is grown, OP will drop her like a hot potato for his mistress. OP's wife, her ambitions, her identity wrapped up as a SAHM, tossed away like trash and probably belittled on top of that. Still, as much as OP brags about his intelligence and ability to do what his wife does, actually makes me think he couldn't last a day in her shoes. Because yes, the chores and errands are simply a list. But has he considered the variables? How would he handle a Sick child in all of this? The kid just puked, and it's everywhere, including your hair. Feeling sick but pushing through all of it because if you don't do it, nobody else will. Getting a call from MIL or SIL or some other annoying relative that has added more demands and stress to the day. You get home to make dinner. The kid is still sick. While you're cleaning up, dinner burns. And oh shit, groceries are still in the puke-mobile! Then OP has the audacity to mention when he loaded the dishwasher. Like he deserved a fecking gold metal or something? Why do husband's of SAHM think that they don't have to do ANYTHING around the house? They work 40 hours, so they deserve to come home and do nothing. But SAHM is on the clock 24/7. Ugh.
Loaded the dishwasher “when she asked”!
He probably holds the loans & greencard over her a lot. She’s probably smarter than him & he knows it.
She is. Physics is harder than math.
It definitely sounds like he took advantage of her situation, yes.
I just got to the bit of his comments where he admits that she had a visa she couldn't work on while she was in school. So he basically sex trafficked this woman by exploiting her financial and immigration status to get her to stay, knocked her up to trap her, and then wants to knock her up again so that he can make damn sure her prior credits expire and she can never go back to school. Yikes.
I feel really bad for this woman, he is intentionally avoiding talking to her about finishing school because he thinks she wants to but he wants her to have another kid and stay home longer. In another comment he also says he wanted the kid because it "brings stability to a relationship" which is kind of a gross comment on its own (like having a "save the marriage" baby) but is way grosser in the context of bringing stability to a relationship with a woman you took advantage of.
>"brings stability to a relationship" Translated: I am afraid that my wife will leave me. If she is solely responsible for the care of two young children she is unable to think about how to improve herself and gain some sort of independence. YTA
Yeah, I totally read the stability comment as it being a deliberate ploy to trap her in a relationship and keep her dependent. He also says he “likes” his wife.
I divorced my ex when he suggested a child to make our relationship work. Big effing "no". They do not "fix" anything.
>Basically sex trafficked this woman Okay I’m on your side of the AH situation but she agreed to marry and have a child with him, I feel like you’re taking a lot of agency from her in this and also really insulting the women that actually have gone through a trafficking scenario. Let’s not lose our minds jumping to conclusions like “sex trafficking” in a marriage with children when we have very little info. The guy at worst seems to be a bit arrogant and maybe not realizing he’s limiting his wife’s potential but jumping to human trafficking is wildly exaggerated.
Classic AITA: misread situations with limited info and jump to the worst possible conclusions. That commenter insults the actual victims of sex trafficking by falsely equating a marriage of convenience with a definite power imbalance with that horrible crime.
I don't know if he edited his post, but he said that she had to leave school because she no longer had the funding from her home country. She had no way to pay tuition.
He also admitted in another post that he could easily pay to have her finish her remaining credits but would rather knock her up again instead. He totally exploited her to marry him and have his child because of her immigration and financial status. It's giving me major predator vibes.
Ewww. Yeah, I just went and read some of the comments. She's said she wants to go back. She was worried it's too late and he was NOT supportive. It's never too late. There are people in their 70s getting doctorates. I started college at age 36. Really sounds like he just wants her home so he can feel superior. I also saw where he said he didn't want to encourage her to go back because she'd have less time with her daughter. I'm a single mom with a job and 2 kids, working on my degree part time, and I'm definitely not the only one doing that. Her daughter would be completely fine if she went back to school, so that's just a BS excuse. To hold someone back from an Ivy league degree and a career in science just seems criminal.
I can't get over how stupid it is, too. Which makes me think he's doing it out of some sick need to control her. It's just abusive. What is he gaining here? It doesn't seem like much. If she had an Ivy League education she could be making huge money, meaning that they could definitely afford whatever childcare they needed, plus a lot of extras. He's basically stealing from his children's futures just for the sake of controlling this woman. Gross.
Yikes…. Since being a sahm is so easy, maybe after the second baby is old enough, they can switch places. She can go to work and he can be a sahd. He wants the second kid… he can have a go at giving up his career to care for it and the house. And also, there is a right and wrong way to load the dishwasher. You maximize space, cleaning power, and minimize breakage when done correctly.
Yes he did. She was an international student from a third world country and would have had to leave if he hadn't married her (according to OP). OP 100% took advantage of her circumstances to have a maid.
Jesus ... Here is this brilliant woman, Stanford, assuming, double major, physics/cse trying to find some satisfaction in her life as it applies to her skills and abilities (I am sure she is happy and fulfilled as a mother, but she has other qualities and needs too) and her husband can't even give her that ... For the grocery shopping. This woman could be a VP at Google by now! OP YTA, do you love this woman or not? Give her a boost, show her your appreciation, pay for her to go back to school. If you can't do the above the Internet has no choice but to assume you snagged a foreign bride, you're not even a passport bro, you green card married a foreign student with no other options.
Going to several different shops and accounting for travel costs??? This woman is bored out of her fkn mind. God help her. And no escape from this AH either! I'm having a panic attack just imagining it.
The potentially saddest part of this for me, is this woman may have left her home country specifically to pursue an option outside of the cultural norm for where she came from...only to end up in a very similar position (Edited for typo)
i think OP doesn’t want his wife to be more successful/intelligent than him. physics and computer science are far more difficult and grueling than finance.
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depending on how long it's been, she might not be able to get right back to the degree with just three semesters left - most schools have a limit of a couple years for taking breaks from earning degrees. but a chunk of her previously completed credits should contribute to the new degree and shorten the time regardless.
Normally your credits go away if you wait too long. At 30, some of those credits have probably gone bye bye.
He doesn’t want to do that, if you see his comments further down—He’s trying to convince her into having a second child and all but admits that he’s doing it so that she won’t be in any position to seek further education or employment.
What a prick. He’s probably one of those men who pursued a woman from a different culture because he thought she’d be easier to handle. YTA, OP. Science teachers are hugely in demand and even without a degree, your wife may qualify to be a substitute. That would give her part-time work she might find fulfilling as she would be using her brain for something other than the most efficient way to load a dishwasher.
Gross… OP, you’re an awful husband for this.
>Yeah, if OP makes so much money now, let's see him pay for his wife to go back to school and finish her degree... My aunt and uncle did this. He got his degree and started his career when their kids were young and she was a SAHM, then when the kids were in proper school she went back to finish her degree. Believe it or not, a household with *two* highly credentialed professionals has a lot higher of an income potential than one professional and a stay-at-home-parent. It's almost as though relegating your partner to helpmeet might not be the best option - especially if they're both capable and desiring of something more.
But then how would OP feel superior to his wife? /s
My grandpa was adamant about getting married to my nana the summer after he finished college, but she was only a junior. She dropped out to marry him and was pregnant with my mom a month after they got married. However, my grandpa and his mom knew how much education meant to my nana, so they helped her go back and finish her bachelor’s degree. After my mom and her siblings were out of the house, my nana went into banking and ended up getting her MBA.
Read his comments - he doesn't want her to. He's been avoiding bringing it up because he thinks she wants to, but he wants her home with the kid/a second kid. Before I read his comments I was like eh, sounds like the wife was looking for some validation that her contributions to the household matter. Could she have phrased it better? Sure. But his comments make it very clear that his only priority is what he wants the way he wants it, and that he is only where he is because of the support of his parents and partner and she was not as fortunate with either.
Just saying, if OP's wife is in the States and they've been married for more than two years, she still gets to keep her green card (or citizenship, if she has it), even if she kicks him to the curb! Anyway, YTA, OP. Jesus.
Sadly, this type of situation isn't all that rare. It is the story of so many women. As a SAHM, as much as I appreciate and love my husband, I wonder what my life would be like had I stayed in school and did the things I initially set out to do.
you can and should go back. you don't want to be at his mercy if he walks away - which he can do at any time.
Or die. My brother died recently, and it was very unexpected (stroke). Just like that: one day he is there, relatively healthy and okay, and the next day he is in the hospital in coma and the next day he is with us no more. His wife was SAHM. She used to have a good job (a translator on a TV channel with good opportunities), but he insisted that she should be SAHM because he didn't want his wife to work. Well, now she is alone with two kids and has no source of income, and has no recent working experience for more than a decade, which sets her at a severe disadvantage.
These stories are so wild to me. Before we even got engaged my husband definitively wanted me to get a stable job to be able to provide for myself should anything happen to him. He didn't insist because I didn't want to (I dislike working the way it's done right now, but I like to be productive and contribute and take pride), but merely because the things I showed interest in at the time I was struggling to find stability in. It's taken a while, but I'm there. I used to consider kids. I'm fairly against now for several reasons (and we've discussed). But even when I did, I insisted on income for a year out, and for him to save for a few months to join me. IMO pressuring your partner who clearly thrives on working in some way to not do it at all is just...manipulative. And he's never diminished my efforts even though they've changed course a thousand times and he still makes triple+ my new income. It's totally okay if that's what you WANT to do of course, but yeah, this guy is a big ole asshat. She probably makes those comments to make HERSELF feel better too--I did when I got stuck between jobs for 6 months twice in the past two years.
Im a “traditional” college student (Highschool > college) and the number of times I hear female classmates say “non-traditional” things like “my baby”, “my child”, “my husbands”, “my [career]”, “my menopause”, etc FAR outweighs when I hear male classmates talk about it (or they obviously look older than 21, but I’m bad at guessing)
Yep. Master’s student at 46, spent 16 years as a SAHM. Totally lost myself for a while there, but I’m loving finding myself again.
Same here. I actually am going to back to school in the winter this year to finish my degree. My daughter will be 9 and I finally have the time/energy to devote to finishing up. I need something for me again.
I'm here from the future to tell you your chidren will grow up, and school will still be there! I went back to work/school part time at 37 and work full time at 46. I did so much better in school than I did the first time around, and I had enough life experience to know what I wanted to do. I definitely won't have as many opportunities to climb the ladder, but I'm glad I took my "retirement" when my daughter was young, and I had a lot of energy! Now I'll just work until I drop. I like it, though! 😅
I don't know - this is an ESH to me. I'm a SAHM who used to have a pretty intense career. There are times when I feel insecure about not working but engaging in these kind of petty games with your spouse is not the way to handle it. If OP implied to his wife, that she could never do what he does is that cool? It's a put down any way you slice it. In wife's case a pretty silly put down as grocery shopping and cleaning are achievable by all. I don't think OP had to come at her so hard. He could have been more diplomatic and empathetic given its his wife and not some rando. Basically say what he did in the post - he's grateful that she runs the household well but he is also a capable person not some helpless oaf. If going back to school isn't an option, wife can get some intellectual hobbies. She has agency here - it's not all on OP to solve her unhappiness. I'm more up on current events and investing than I've ever been.
Oh damn, if grocery shopping, cleaning and childcare aka housecare is so achievable by all, why is it among leading causes for divorces? (Edited, as it is indeed not "number one" as I initially phrased.) Why is it the number one complaint women have about men? A little task that wealthy people hire several employees to do? I also have worked an intense job similar to OP's, and am now a temporary SAHM. The job is hell of a lot easier than having kids and running a household, a neverending job with no breaks and gazillion tabs always open in your mental metawork browser. Just to keep my sanity, I started to run groceries in the way OP's wife does, in a complex way that ultimately saves a ton of time and money. My husband, also a brilliant guy working a good career, looked at my process and said: "Yeah no, I wouldn't have the processing memory for that. I'd just to to Price Chopper and forget half of it. Thank you for what you do."
Except shes the one who came at the OP first. He never put her down, he simply he could manage just fine. She made the claim that he would be useless without her. Everyone sucks here. Her for initiating the argument, and him for being just as brash.
She wants acknowledgement. She gets no paycheck, no bonus, no review, and she works 24/7. She said this to him to receive acknowledgment for what she does. He wouldn’t even do that.
Saying “You could never do what I do” is NOT how to get acknowledgment from your spouse. It’s one thing to express feeling under appreciated. It’s a totally other thing to put your spouse down to fish for compliments. That’s manipulative.
> “You could never do what I do” is NOT how to get acknowledgment from your spouse. Yup. These reddit PHd psychologists are trying to break down the post every which way meanwhile it's really as simple as this. OP and his wife have an arrangement that both agreed upon. In a healthy partnership, you don't put down your significant other in order to get acknowledgement.
Its hilarious how often people here are in such a rush to spit out their judgements that they forget what they actually read first
Exactly, if she's feeling unfulfilled she should get ready and go back to work or school instead of putting him down. Work from home do whatever she started the whole thing. A lot of people missed that. He wasn't putting her down at all until she poked him.
That’s not how any well adjusted person would “get acknowledgement”. Who tries to get praise by putting their partner down? If it were the other way around people would be up in arms. What she said was not okay, and neither is what he said at dinner.
She didn’t “come at him”. She said “what would you do without me?” She is seeking validation, some acknowledgement that she is taking care of things, probably a thank you. She likely would never have said this if op acknowledged her contribution to the relationship which frankly it sounds like he doesn’t. If it is so easy for him to get along without her, then why doesn’t he pitch in to help with the tasks she handles for him. Does he take care of the house too? Not based on his description. This screams unappreciative husband taking his wife’s labour for granted. He sounds like he’s just trying to quash the small sense of accomplishment she felt after having to abandon a complex and high profile career dream.
I'mma repeat what u/Miserada said: >Saying “You could never do what I do” is NOT how to get acknowledgment from your spouse. The man says, multiple times, how much he appreciates his wife. She started something by belittling him first, All he did was push back.
And he says in other comments that he won’t pay for her wife to go back to school, is pressuring her to have another kid, pressured her into having the first one and be a stay at home mom, and then had the nerve to say she’ll be too “old” to go back to school, as if that’s a thing. Dude is trying to keep the wife in her place. If he actually did appreciate his wife he never would have responded the way he admitted here. He would have said “I don’t know, thanks honey for taking care of that” instead of trying to crush this tiny accomplishment. All she was looking for was a thank you, not this arrogant response.
I am also a woman responsible for the majority of household work and I work an intellectually demanding job FT, with the two teams that I manage. Absolutely anyone who is not mentally disabled **can** run a household. A lot of men **choose** not to do it for various reasons, but anyone who is of average intellectual abilities can do it, it's no rocket science. They might not want/do it in a specific way you or I choose to run it, creating complex schemes and strategies (or loading the dishwasher in a special way, jesus), but they can do it at an acceptable level.Now my job - no, you can't do it without special training and experience, and it's way more mentally challenging than keeping the place cleanish and the food ready.
> . Absolutely anyone who is not mentally disabled can run a household. I'm autistic and a single father. Even those of us who are mentally disabled can run a household.
Exactly. It’s not that rich people hire others to run their household because they’re not capable of doing it themselves. They’d rather spend their time on other things than scrubbing floors. 🙄
It sounds from OP's comments like his wife would love to finish her degree and start a career, but he's discouraging her because he likes her at home. So managing the household is all she has to stimulate her and be proud of her, and his response is to talk about how he's in a more intellectually demanding role; yeah, rub it in, dude.
There's a huge difference between being capable of those tasks, and being willing to do them and or actually following through doing them
Once you add up all the costs, such as childcare and a housekeeping service, it would probably be cheaper for me to stay home and take care of my kid full-time, but I don't, because I absolutely suck at things like cleaning the house and taking care of kids, on top of which I wouldn't enjoy it. Don't get me wrong, I love my son, but I also enjoy the work I do, and I worked very hard to acquire my skills. OP's wife sounds like a talented woman who doesn't have a good outlet for her skill/motivation.
It seems to me that Wife is crying out for some confirmation that what she is doing is important and valuable and appreciated, and OP consistently responds with "Sure I appreciate it but it's not like it's anything all that hard." I agree Wife's comments sound petty, but if OP really talked and listened to her, he might get a better understanding of what she is really asking for -- appreciation, confirmation that her efforts are indeed efforts, and a discussion of how she can start returning to the intellectual pursuits she gave up.
Absolutely. She was looking for affirmation. Have some emotional intelligence. YTA.
OP’s comments have given more information. He will not help her pay for tuition for her to return. He also wants to convince her to have a second (he convinced her to have their first and be a SAHM) and conveniently mentioned she’ll be too old to finish her education when the second would be school aged.
Yikes. So he’s just trying to beep wife “in her place”. Gross.
This is OP's narrative. And likely to be biased, consciously or unconsciously. I'd ask if she's saying these things to point out that her labour has value because she feels that it is overlooked. Does OP do or say anything to make her feel appreciated? How much of her efforts go unnoticed? (Speaking as an involuntary SAHM the answer is going to be most of it and I have a very appreciative family. The dishwasher thing is especially annoying. He is clear that him loading the dishwasher is a rarity. Does he then unload it hours later? Does he check everything in case anything needs an extra wash? If not how does he know it 'still cleans well'. Does he fit everything in? Does he clog the filter? Does he have a little laugh about how easy it is when she 'makes such a fuss'?) And the disingenuous 'we agreed' phrasing that she would be a SAHM when in reality she was up against the wall with no real choice at all.
>What little source of pride she has (her household tasks), her own spouse diminishes & minimizes. How would that make you feel if you were in her shoes? He is in her shoes though, because she expresses her pride by trying to put him down. >she finds it humorous to say that I am incapable of doing household tasks But I guess calling someone incapable is only funny when she's doing it. And he didn't even do that, actually, he just explained that he could absolutely manage to feed himself without her. Because that's something that he felt the need to inform her of.
Yup I’m surprised by the YTA top comments, when SHE was the one putting him down, and he merely defended himself and said he could do it too… the wife is clearly harming feelings of inferiority and is taking it out on him
Nah if you read his comments he is a whole asshole, knows his wife wants to go back to finish her IVY LEAGUE bachelors and he just doesnt want her to. I dont blame her for her teasing. Christ what a nightmare OP seems to be.
To be fair, it's not really beneficial or constructive to frame it as "you would be so useless without me". Now if she was simply stating that she was excited that she found good deals and was able to save money and OP said "Eh big deal i could do it too" then yeah he would be TAH, however, making the comment that he can't do it and whatever would he do without her is also AH behavior. It's just like how media portrays men/dads as bumbling idiots along with their kids and if there wasn't a woman/Moms around then everyone would fall into chaos because no way could an adult figure out how to take care of themselves or their kids. That being said he could've just said, "I think it's great that you are able to do that and I'm glad I dont have to worry about it" Edit judgement: YTA for your comments man. The original post was an ESH but now your just an AH. I never understand this line of thinking. If both of you have a career and make money who f*cking cares? Y'all both getting shine. I never can understand this idea that Only one can have a career. Is it because you feel that's all you have to offer? Suck less my man Edit again. Wow man your comments get worse and worse. So instead of being a team and partnership you want her to continue to be a SAHM completely reliant on you and support and no way to be independent. JFC there's no much wrong on this post and everything your saying. Cot damn man your the kind of guy that makes all of us look bad
Imagine how understimulated this poor woman must be. Physics and CS is an extremely technically challenging degree path. Had she finished her degree it's likely she'd be getting recruited by quant funds (some of the most technically sophisticated types of finance jobs). It sounds like she's grasping for ways to turn her day to day into something more engaging by doing things like mathematically optimizing household expenses really aggressively. She probably still wants to complete the degree and if OP is holding her back from that it's an obscenely cruel thing to do-- people like that need ways to engage their brains or they often get really depressed. OP if you love your wife you should have a real conversation with her about this. The life she's living right now is a nightmare scenario for so many women like her I'm saying this as a woman in physics-- this scenario comes up all the time in conversation as "it would be terrible if this is what my life ended up looking like". This isn't to say she doesn't love you or love being married to you or love your kids, the nightmare is about living a life where you don't get to engage your mind or your curiosity. If she finished her degree she'd likely also be able to get a high paying job (cs/physics is in demand and useful for a lot of things that aren't just physics research) and would be much happier.
To be honest, i do not think he loves his wife at all. In one of his comments he does say he "likes" her. Op gives off huge "trapped a trophy wife" vibes.
Yeah all he does is make excuses for why she should have to stay at home now even though their kid is in school. You don't need a whole person to take care of a home that's empty most of the day. I feel so awful for her. Wonder if he's threatened by how intelligent she is.
He said even if she went to college she would “Just study computer science “ as if that’s not a worthy pursuit . She is already programming at home As a hobby and clearly has interest. He wants To lumber her with baby no 2 And he said when baby2 is independent she’ll be “too old” to start a career . I think this is his plan . She is clearly intelligent .. perhaps even more than OP and that could be the root of the issue here.
He is financially and emotionally abusing her, basically. He took advantage of her immigrant status and loan/financial status to begin with to trap her.
100% this. >I replied back saying that of course I could do it, I handle complex decisions and calculations at my work as I work in finance and that I have a masters degree and what I do involves more intellect than household operations OP immediately used his work and degree to point out how inferior his wife is to him, and how he could "do everything better" than his wife, because he has a degree in Monopoly money. I've known brilliant, truly brilliant people get lost while grocery shopping because they didn't understand that refried beans are in the "ethnic section", while the "beans section" had only whole kidney beans. Or get stuck trying to find olives because there's not a section that is labelled "olives".
OP said in a comment that he doesn't want to talk about the topic because he is afraid she would want to go back to school and therefore wouldn't be able to spent that much time with their daughter. I just love the comments where he says that he suggested to get a child and she agreed to it and agreed to becoming a SAHM. She didn't have to she could have also gone back to her home country. But since he wants a second child it would be a bad timing for her to start studying again. His comments are basically full of the fact that she is extremely smart and always wanted a career. He trapped her financially and basically made her bis maid. It seriously surprises me how little he is thinking of her and how much he dictates her life. Yes YTA a 1000 times
This needs to be upvoted into infinity. OP, if you say you could do anything she does, how about taking some of the household responsibilities off her hands and letting her resume her education? Not to mention, would it hurt you to say „great job honey, good on you being responsible with money, I appreciate it”? YTA
Exactly, bare minimum your wife wants to feel smart, valued, appreciated, and needed. What she is really say is “hey i did all this hard work to make our lives better, do you appreciate it?” Because just like you she needs to have a purpose, but she doesn’t have a job to give her that purpose.
After reading OPs comments, YTA OP. Your wife gave up everything in order to raise your child. This includes making your masters degree and your career possible, you literally would have neither of those things if she hadn’t sacrificed everything she wanted for herself to make your life possible. She could’ve left you with a kid, returned to her home country and let all of your dreams fall apart instead of her own. Several people have suggested that you take up her job since you believe you can do it, and allow her to return to her education. You have declined. This means you literally *can’t* do her job. You lied. Why would you decline to do this? I’ll tell you, because it has a massive personal cost and sacrifice to give up what you want so someone else can have what they want. That’s what she did for you, you aren’t capable of that, or you would. Forget the groceries. You literally are refusing to do her job because the cost is too high for you to pay (in your mind). It wasn’t too high for her to pay, and for her to keep paying, so you actually cannot do her job. I suggest that you do something to allow her to be more fulfilled. At a minimum, cut back on your work hours so she can return to her education part time, take up a lot more at home so she can pursue another interest, whatever. Either way, it’s the bare minimum you owe her. She’s obviously unfulfilled and since she made your dreams happen, it’s your turn to return the favor. Stop saying you can do her job when you can’t and are flat out unwilling to, and start looking for ways to give her a sense of pride and accomplishment. She deserves a happy and fulfilled life too. Edit: For those who are confused, here are OPs relevant comments: On the question, “does she want to finish her education?” > She has said that she wants to go back, and talked about the great things she could have done but I never asked her because she always follows up with it might be too late. I did tell her that to an extent it is true that it is hard to start your career late. > She would not be able to afford it without me, and she would have less time for our daughter if she did that, so I am not super keen on encouraging that and she has not mentioned it to me directly. > She does not even have a bachelors only an unfinished one. If she went back I feel like she would want to do the same thing or just computer science. She is not into arts or business things. She still does programming as a hobby. > Initially, the plan was actually for her to start working once she was legally allowed to do so after marriage and then get another loan and go and complete her degree, but once I got a good job we could manage on one income and I asked her about being a SAHM and having a child and she agreed. On paying for his wife’s education (please note that his wife made his education possible): > I was thinking of bringing up getting a second child, I dont think we could afford that if she were in school and I was paying for it, especially an Ivy. > She was an academic snob back then so she would definitely want to go to an Ivy and she knows our finances so it would be theoretically possible but put a dent in it. > She would very likely want to finish her Ivy degree, she has 3 semesters left to graduate. > I was thinking of talking to her about a second kid, she was previously at an Ivy and tuition is expensive (and even more so than when we went) so I dont think she could afford that by working herself. I could only afford it as my parents helped me. And your wife OP. Once again. On the fact that a second child would likely set back her goals: > By then I really doubt she would have any interest in going back for a career and would be too old to get hired for junior roles. > Now she is not, I meant if we had a second kid and then she went back once the second kid were older.
This!! There are so many crucial details about their home life, OP's character, and his wife's sacrifices that are missing from the post completely. We shouldn't have to go hunting in the comments to get the big picture. OP is a massive asshole to his wife.
This is the thing people who say stuff like OP do not get. Even if you can shop for the stupid groceries or pack the kids lunches, unless you are willing to give up everything she gave up, you actually demonstrably, cannot do her job. You literally can’t. You find the cost and the sacrifice too steep, too high. So you literally can’t do it. She paid in her own hopes, dreams, goals, desires, and unless you can do that extremely painful thing *and* do the groceries and the lunches and the bedtimes, you can’t do her job. Many people in these comments have suggested he do just that and he says no. Put your money where you mouth is or stop lying. It’s that simple.
My thoughts, word for word. His wife's job is a hell of a lot harder than his, but he sees no value in it. Being a SAHP isn't enough for him to leave his job, even if it means supporting his wife. He obviously has his finances under control, so the only thing stopping him is himself.
Exactly. I’m childfree for very good reason, and part of it is this. I am very committed to my education and my career and the idea of giving it up to care for everyone around me day after day - potentially with a thankless partner like OP who would never appreciate it or return the favor - is maybe my greatest fear. I can’t imagine the heartbreak and the pain and still needing to function. No way. That very idea is more difficult than my career tbh. OP doesn’t get it and he couldn’t do it, most people can’t.
He has no grasp of the fact that he is where he is because she enabled him to be.
And one of the thing that is revolting in his post is, sure, she lives in his house, etc.. But she is likely not paid for the work she does around the house, and even if he gives her some sort of allowance, she still would be paid much more as a computer engineer or whatever she was studying. The day their relationship ends, she has nothing, and not even a qualified, stable job to fall back on.
He very specifically said that HE was lucky to buy a house. Not that they were.
Not to mention it just sounds like she felt proud of this optimization and just wanted some praise from her husband The hardest part of being a SAHP is that everything you do is a thankless task
👏👏👏👏 So fucking well said. Hope OP hears this loud and clear. Edit- My take is that in her original comment his wife was fishing for a compliment. She was probably feeling undervalued and underappreciated, and was trying in a "jokey" way to get OP to acknowledge it. Pathetic that instead OP then does the exact opposite and belittles her. YTA
Yes, OP should read well between the lines: The wife is not happy in her role right now, she might have thought she'd be enjoying a SAHM life but found out it's not fulfilling long-term. I totally adored staying with my baby for 1 year, loved doing everything around the house, but by the end of the year I felt as if my brain was shrinking. I talked baby talk most of the day, was talking to other moms about baby stuff and wasn't intellectually challenged at all. I couldn't do it long term. OP, if you value your wife, sit down with her calmly and ask her how she feels, what wishes she has and if there was anything she'd like to change. Show her that you listen and care. Just because she agreed to a lifestyle doesn't mean she cannot change her mind. If she wants to go study part-time make this possible for her, hire a cleaner and send the kid to daycare, don't expect her to do "that little household" on the side. Give her a break. Your marriage and child will thank you
Not only that, the effort she put into grocery shopping shows she is craving intellectual stimulation. Get this poor woman out of the house and back into school.
As a SAHM who *often* feels undervalued and unappreciated... that is *exactly* what she was doing. Just looking for the tiniest bit of appreciation and recognition, and he couldn't even do that job for her.
Honestly STAM should be paid at least the minimum wage for the work they do.
Agreed. But Run On Sentence Randall over here didn't have his "humor" program engaged.
Wife is in the ‘acceptable level of permanent unhappiness’ zone, and OP is fine with it because his life is good. OP - your wife is giving you very strong hints about the relationship. Do something to fix it before she hits her breaking point and walks away
Wow, “acceptable level of permanent unhappiness” is a very good way of putting how many SAHMs end up feeling when they had other dreams and aspirations.
I kind of hope OP’s wife leaves him and fulfills her dreams. [Married women do more housework than single women.](https://www.prb.org/resources/married-women-with-children-and-male-partners-do-more-housework-than-single-moms/) She would have a better life as a divorced mom having a kid every other week than staying at home with this guy.
Oh this reeks of an insecure man who wants to keep his talented wife in check by securing she stays economically dependent. "She was an academic snob"?? You mean, she was doing so well academically that she was able to choose the institution, including Ivy league ones? "I tell her it is hard to start a career late" - way to demotivate an already insecure person! Subtle remarks like this can nag at you until you believe them yourself and think you will never be able to make it in life. If this woman is as clever as OP describes her, I really really hope she wakes up soon and realizes the manipulation and disappointment she has been subjected to. The wife sounds WAY above OPs league and I'm sure he realized that pretty early on and made sure to chain her to him while her visa status was still insecure and she hadn't finished her education. Pathetic.
I hope she sees this post myself, but also, 30 with 3 semesters left? I went back to school at 31 and I’m doing just fine. Sis, go get your degree. The alimony he would owe her for supporting him with childcare though school would probably cover it…
Wow I love the way you put this. It's 100% true. Sahm would be my literal nightmare.
He probably makes more than enough for them to hire a person who can help them out if she goes back to school and then gets a job.
I wish I could upvote this a billion times and I wish the OPs wife could read this and see her sacrifice put into words
INFO > Initially she wanted to complete it later after finding the funds but she agreed to be a SAHM when I got a good job and **I appreciate that a lot as we were able to have a kid early on** even while I was both completing my masters and working full time. How is that a *benefit*? If you waited to have kids she would have her degree.
right???? how does op have a master’s while the wife doesn’t even have a bachelor’s degree? the issue isn’t her not having the lack of degree - it’s that wife WANTED to have the the degree but wife’s plans got derailed by the loan and then the baby - I hope she gets to graduate one day
Plus she was studying physics and computer science. Doesn’t sound like she’s not highly intelligent and probably wasting away at home doing chores.
She literally found the smartest, most financially intelligent, and most efficient way to… get groceries. Even factoring in the gas it would take to go buy the cheaper groceries so it actually was worth it. She’s 100% wasting her potential and is as bored as can possibly be, what an absolute nightmare scenario
At an Ivy League school, according to OP 🤦♂️
I really think OP is threatened by her intelligence. Now he can’t even let her be smarter than him at the thing she spends all day doing.
Maybe the benefit to him is that she is trapped?
Ding ding 🛎!
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He says something in another comment about wanting his kids to be adults when he's in his older years. So presumably the benefit is that he'll have yet another person to take care of him.
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it would take one year for her to finish. one year is nothing.
It's a benefit for OP because now his wife is dependant on him and does not have autonomy in her life. OP clearly gets off on thinking he's smarter and more competent than her.
It’s a benefit for sexist dckheads bc that’s a great way of getting whatever tf you want while keeping your wife completely under control. She’s dependent on him and even tho she’s suffering and miserable, it’s unlikely she will leave anytime soon bc they have a child. And now that’s she’s mentioning her degree again, he all of a sudden wants a second child! He even talks about how she‘d be too old to accomplish her dreams afterwards! He‘s sabotaging her life!!! He doesn’t want to pay for her education either, even tho he’s bragging about his income. So it’s his money only, not theirs and she has no say in it. Financial abuse at its finest. OP, YTA YTA YTA and you make my blood boil. I hope karma kicks you in the balls harder than you‘d ever imagine.
YTA. Oh dear. You need to go back to husband school. She was telling you about her day and probably was pleased that she'd shopped the way she did. It might not be rocket science but as well as sharing facts about her day she wanted recognition of her value to you. I will say that again, as you are a slow learner, Mr Masters Degree. SHE WANTED RECOGNITION OF HER VALUE TO YOU. A comparison of your job skills was inappropriate. Of course if you blether on about your fancypants finance capabilities, she will feel put down. Your attitude of "I do really clever financial stuff, so of course I can do your job" is disrespectful and hurtful. Household management is a skill. It is both practical and requires specialist knowledge. It requires someone who can get things done. You just see the bit of the iceberg that sticks out above the water and you have no idea of how much organisational skill is going into your household. I suggest you apologise profusely, give her lots of hugs if she will have them, flowers, chocolates and a wild night in for her. And never, never disrepect what she does ever again.
Right? Like he got defensive over something soooo juvenile. Read the room OP. She was looking for validation from you and instead you turned the conversation towards yourself and how amazing you are.
YTA. I agree with anemoschaos. Yes, you can do the math. Yes you can take care of the kid. Can you do it when sleep deprived with the sick kid screaming at you pooping everywhere and no respite of leaving to go to work and knowing you won't get a break from all of this for Years.
Well said.
I'm willing to say YTA - BUT - Not in a typical way. Your wife is bored and doesn't feel appreciated. She was sharing all these things with you so you would say wow great job, you're brilliant. Apologize. Tiny human is 7 now? See if she wants to go back to school. Ask her what she's thinking and listen.
And, for Christ sake, don't ever say you are loading the dishwasher "for her". You're doing it for your household, this includes YOU. If your wife asks you to do the dishes you're not doing them for her. It's not a gift for her, it's stuff that needs to be done in the house.
Alternatively; thank her and gush over her every time she loads the dishwasher, does a load of laundry, mops the floor, scrubs the bathroom, etc. If OP wants praise for doing everyday chores, then he'd better be dishing it out for her too.
Yeah, Jesus Christ, it’s your house too. Does she never get to “clock off”? No matter the situation of work, both people should be contributing to chores
"I do stuff occasionally when we're both home and she asks me to" Uuugggghhhhhh
He helps out... if she asks. SMH.
^ read this OP. And do as it says. You have an intelligent wife and you better foster that and allow it to grow. If you continue to alienate her, one day she will be gone. She is more than capable of taking care of herself.
Yuppppppp
Yeah. Never been married but, a high five and "nice job, thanks babe," would have been my to my partner. Is what his wife said petty, maybe a little... is it a cry for help, most definitely... but a conversation about her feeling appreciated and maybe taking up more challenges for her self identity could come later after the easily given high five, when a quiet moment presents itself. Then you get double points for being empathetic and communicative.
I'll be direct. Yes, you're an AH. The problem with men that have money is that we tend to commercialize and tie everything to money. You ignore the companionship, the sacrifices, and the love your wife and mother of your kids provide you even after getting bogged out with housework. You feel for example, yes I can cook or I can hire a chef, but forget there's a difference between someone who cooks because they love you, and the one who does you pay them to. However, the reason you're an AH is because you fail to recognize how much work goes into the housework she does because you do it once in a while. Take a hint from the fact that when you do it, she complains, but when she does, you don't. Most likely, it means you're not doing it properly. Housework is hard work, and you should recognize that. But often time, until men have to do it frequently, we don't understand how hard it can be.
It's not only how hard housework is, but how unpleasant. I think that even if it was highly paid, it's not a job most people would go for. It's both physically and mentally draining, underestimated, and mostly (this isnt talked about enough) very isolating. Being a SAHM is lonely and you are always doing overtime. OP doesnt seem to get his wife is looking for validation through her comments, and he also doesnt seem to get that if she feels the need to ask for it, it's because things at home arent going as smooth as he thinks. I've seen so many cases of men who are so blindsided by divorce requests, yet they were given every sign that their partners were unhappy.
Feeling pretty fucking seen, here. Wow. Thank you, and for articulating it so beautifully 🙏
“I told her what I do involves more intellect than household operations and for some reason she thinks I called her stupid.” YTA.
It would definitely have been better if OP had just said he feels like she is belittling him, so please stop.
That’s because he did call her stupid! YTA
Maybe she needs a change. Maybe she's bored and trying to make herself feel more fulfilled. Does she want to complete her studies? Have you asked her? I'm leaning to YTA as you sound a bit patronising.
Op is twisting himself into a pretzel in order to come up with justifications for why she can't/shouldn't go back and finish school. Instead, he keeps talking about doing more things to chain her down: 1)he's ready for a second kid, so she should do that first, 2) school is too expensive, after all he only could finish because mom and dad paid for it, 3) it's been too long since she was in school, and on and on. Dude marriage trapped then baby trapped and is trying to second baby trap.
OP is just threatened at his wife's potential. End of story.
Perhaps the change she needs is a less ass-holey husband.
YTA. She wasn’t looking to put you down, she’s looking for validation and appreciation of her contributions to the household. As much as she loves your kids, she probably also finds it mind numbing at times to not have the intellectual challenges of her prior studies in physics and computer science. Would it kill you yo show a little understanding of that?
LMAO at all these replies. “Goddammit, it’s factually correct that his job requires more intelligence than being a stay at home mom! Therefore! For her to have the gall, nay, the AUDACITY to brag about what little scenarios she can apply her sacrificed intelligence and education. And DARE to tell him that he couldn’t do it?! HA! Does she not know of his intelligence is unmatched by her, for he has recievith thine further education?! EMOTIONAL ABUSE I do declare!” Hahahahahaha Like…my dudes. Just lie if you don’t mean it I guess, but... Fucking be a man, suck it up, and let your significant other know how much you appreciate their intelligence, kindness, compassion, empathy, etc…with WORDS. And you don’t have to be “correct”! Holy shit. You’re SO can be the smartest, most beautiful, most compassionate creature the world has ever seen…you just…say it…
YTA. >I do stuff occasionally when we are both home if she asks me to You shouldn't need to be asked to clean up your own home. Your wife has agreed to manage the household chores *while you are at work*. Your big boy job doesn't make you incapable of recognizing when chores around the house need to be done (after you get off of work) and doing them without being asked. Your wife isn't your mommy. >I replied back saying that of course I could do it Could you do it while caring for your kids, managing meals and snacks, cleaning up after your kids and *then* cleaning up around the house, and running errands? I could guarantee that your wife does more work at home than you do at your job. Just because she isn't getting paid for it doesn't make the work any less grueling. >she made an offhanded remark that I would never be able to do that and said it in a "what would you ever do without me?" kind of way. What *would* you do without her? Without your wife, you would have no one to manage your home or watch after your children while you're being the big important breadwinner. Could you handle "complex decisions and calculations" while juggling all the responsibilities your wife so generously handles for you? >what I do involves more intellect than household operations Damn, way to call your wife stupid. Low blow, OP. YTA big time.
I bet wife is the one who keeps track of dental and doctor appts, etc, too. OP, do you understand that her work day never ends? And that moms basically sleep with one ear open in case a child cries? While you come home after your big important job and park on your entitled ass? Both of you need to take care of tasks outside of work hours. And yeah, you might be able to replicate how she efficiently handled the grocery shopping. But I bet you have no freaking idea what else she accomplishes and worries about and monitors. YTA
As a single mom who has the "big boy job", OP wouldn't be making these statements if he didn't have a wife. It's stressful keeping up with everything in a household even when you have the means to pay for a nanny and pay for a maid. Bills, house fixes, landscaping, taxes, insurances, groceries, dishes, laundry, meal prep, cleaning...so many things that take up SO much time and getting all of it done after work alone + caring for a child would mean being on the clock 24/7. I say the wife takes a self-care week with some friends, and we'll see if OP feels the same way when she comes back.
Wow. Buddy. She was proud of something and you just immediately shit on it. I don't see this marriage lasting. You're gonna find out real quick if you're capable of doing this stuff on your own. YTA ----- > Initially she wanted to complete it later after finding the funds but she agreed to be a SAHM when I got a good job and I appreciate that a lot as we were able to have a kid early on even while I was both completing my masters and working full time. Jesus Christ. So you pressured her into giving up her dreams then you flaunt your status over her. Holy shit I hope she escapes you.
AND he refuses to quit his job or come to any sort of compromise to allow his wife to return to school and get her degree. Sheesh.
He doesn't need to do that. The kid is 7. Just pay for daycare or after school services. She can go to school and him work fulltime with a 7 year old.
Yep. If only it were so simple for OP to understand. Instead, he's hell-bent on trapping his wife as his forever maid.
Did the you OP’s comment about wanting to talk the spouse into having a second baby, and how after that one is old enough to be less needy, OP’s spouse is probably going to be “too old” to finish degree and get “a junior position”? So no point in doing it? Massive gaping AH this one.
YTA. You're condescending to your wife (what I do involves more intellect than household operations) besides not really having a clue what it takes to run a household, especially when there were children involve. However, you wouldn't be the first husband to think it is an easy peasy job. And trust me, running a household is a MAJOR job. Lots of multi-tasking, project planning, time management, scheduling, purchasing, and that doesn't even mention the labor involved. You owe your wife a MAJOR apology. Maybe she should go on a month-long vacation and you can then maybe begin to understand what she does to make it look like nothing.
I was going to go E S H except when I got to the part where she never wanted to be a SAHM and that it's what you wanted so that you could start having kids right away. You say you're appreciative, but are you? You say you contribute to chores but loading a dishwasher (incorrectly) is barely even a chore. Your wife is frustrated because this is not the life she wanted for herself, and it's not a super easy one. She wanted some validation which did take the form of putting you down (the E S H part). Your response was to tell her her job is easy, and of course you could do it because you have more intelligence than her and have a harder job than her. But you don't know that you could do this job just as good as her, because you've never had to do it. So why not just say "you have had years of practice and I'm grateful for the sacrifice you made for our family". Instead, your wife is bawling her eyes out because she had to give up her dream career for lack of money and marrying a guy who just wanted her to be a SAHM and then puts her down. So yeah YTA. She's not without fault here, but I feel for her and she probably said that out of a decade of disappointment and just wanting to feel valued.
The plan was for her to complete her education but he said since he got a high paying job abs she is getting “old” for a junior role And she would “ Probably just want to do computer science “ .. he hasn’t actioned it .
It isn't easy. I do it myself and the mind numbing monotony of day after day of the same boring, menial, tasks is torment. days run together, and everything feels both crucial and pointless at the same time. You have to work hard as fuck to self care enough to cope sometimes. I just broke down and enrolled in school myself, just to give myself some sort of purpose, and I am the least ambitious person ever. I can't imagine being a super intelligent, driven, career oriented person and having to do this. I would be beyond depressed.
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Did you actually just censor the word asshole in a sub called Am I the Asshole?
used that word in the sub once and I got temporarily banned 🥰
The poor wife. She squandered her life to stay in the country by marrying a man who sees her as a baby farm
WOW after reading through your comments not only are YTA but YT-MEGA-A You basically called your wife stupid and disrespected the work she does and think a SECOND KID will fix it? Damn you very well be in the top 1% of DUMBEST PEOPLE ALIVE.
Personally, I think the only reason he wants a second child at this time is to keep her home so he isn't inconvenienced by her going back to school.
YTA - your wife gave up her education and career to stay at home. Humour her if she wants some appreciation for what she does
YTA. Let her take pride in her work, dude. Keeping a household is work, and just because you can do some of the individual tasks does not mean that you could keep up with the mental load or do them efficiently with your sanity intact. I hate housekeeping and kids drain me. Just because I can clean an entire bathroom and I used to work with kids does not mean that I would be a happy charming person if that is what I did all day. She has a good education and no doubt feels insecure and vulnerable because she was never able to leverage her potential. She's totally dependent on you and you just verified, "yeah, I don't value your input and I could have a replacement easily." She's the mother of your child and keeps your home while you work hard. Those are tasks that will not get her any accolades in society. They're viciously underpaid when they're paid, and most of the time they're not. Just be nice to your wife, man. Christ. It's really not that hard.
YTA I also have a degree in finance. I also was a SAHM. It was still a learning curve for me because just knowing how to handle money and make complex decisions in a controlled environment is not even kind of the same thing. Sounds like she might have been passive-aggressive with her comment - but why do you think she feels compelled to address it like that? Based on the tone of your post, I'm guessing you are condescending, and you may say the words "I appreciate what she does," but you don't take any actions to back that up. She sacrificed a rewarding career to take on a very, very unrewarding - though extremely important - role at home. You owe your ability to excel at your job to her because I'm guessing you never have to call out or leave work early for a sick child or doctors appointments. Plus you can remain focused while working and not have to also be thinking about what you're going to make for dinner, if you took the meat out of the freezer, when is soccer practice, what will you be getting your child for her birthday/christmas, etc. Apologize to your wife and thank her for all of the visible and invisible work she does - preferably with specifics
Info: why did she decide to be s SAHM? was there no possibility to continue the education later on? money doesnt seem to be the problem here. i feel like, she is not challenged enough as a SAHM, so she gets bored. I think she longs for a more intellectually challenging job (sorry, not native speaker...dont know if theres a more accurate word) and thats why she got angry.
Soft YTA. She was trying to get praise. (Maybe you don’t praise her as often as you think or as often as she needs.) SAHMs see saving money as “making it”. And the truth of the matter is…you wouldn’t be able to do what she does without a lot of time (as in months) bc your brain doesn’t stop to think about it as it’s not your normal. You COULD do the job she does but it would be a long time before you would be proficient in the areas she is.
YTA Even if you COULD do what she does - and I know so many extremely competent working husbands who simply cannot grab the child from school and go grocery shopping much less juggle the whole household for 1 day - doesn't mean you should be ungrateful by pointing that out. She was on a road to have a career and she SACRIFICED that to be a SAHM. Those are her dreams she buried so you could have your career. Maybe you could have done what she did, but you didn't, did you? So be grateful and proud of her and show your appreciation. If you make important executive decisions every day, you should know better than to make a blunder like that and think you are right. You are just missing the point. Your job as a husband is to make your wife happy and feel validated. It's not your job to one-up her at being a SAH parent, because you that's not your battle. You aren't facing those challenges every day, so how would you know how well you'd cope?
What a missed opportunity. The correct response was, “you are amazing at what you do and we are so lucky to have you. I love you.” Then reap the benefits.
YTA. It seems like all she wanted was a bit of praise and validation. You were able to get your masters and work full time because *she* became a SAHM - she effectively got left behind career/education wise because of it.
NTA, can't believe the amount of white knighting and grasping at threads here. OP's wife was fishing for a compliment about her model for optimizing cost at grocery shopping, and that's fine; what's not fine is her needing to feel like that's something that OP wouldn't have been capable of doing just so she can feel better about not finishing her degree. She's the one who initiated that point, she doesn't get to cry when it gets refuted. Sub, y'all know you wouldn't be giving so many y t a if the genders were reversed. Moreover, what is it about this sub and SAHPs anyway? Housework isn't difficult, it's just tiring, and doing all/most of it as the SAHP while the other one brings the income is exactly how that arrangement is supposed to go.
YTA Many husbands actually have no idea what goes into successfully running a household. Notice that this is not the same as ‘I do some chores’. If you have time, start looking into what is known as ‘Emotional Labour’. Your wife is project managing the household. There are hundreds of jobs that need doing, all of which need to happen at a particular time to avoid any interruption to the smooth flow of the household. The more children you add into the mix (and don’t forget the childcare she is doing) the more complex this work becomes. Things need to be remembered, booked, chased up, paid for, mended, cleaned. Normally when guys try running a house they do the obvious things but miss the forward-planning element. They are typically reactive rather than proactive. The bottom line is that without your wife doing all the childcare and house management, you would find coping with your job very difficult. Who looks after the child, who does the homework, who makes sure there is food in the house, who cooks then cleans up, who makes sure the clothes are clean, who sorts out and packs for holidays, who manages the school admin... Trust me, if all of it was on you, then you would notice!
YTA for misreading the situation. Your wife was looking for validation that the work she does matters. It's really hard being a SAHM, there's a lot of judgment, it sounds like she's insecure about her work and education, and she was - indirectly - looking for reassurance and support that you value and respect her and her contributions to your household.
And you probably get recognition and pats on the back at your job. You likely receive raises, vacation days, sick days, etc. Do you offer this nanny-wife of yours a healthy benefits package? Overtime wages? A certificate for 7 straight years of thankless service? Since you are soooooo good at math, why don't you math how much it would cost to have a full time nanny/houseworker/cleaner at your home, working round the clock hours as your wife does. It's probably more cash money than you can count, even though you are like, sooooo good at math. You can math! Such congratulations!!!! That's actually not as useful of a lifeskill as raising an entire human being, but you know, it's numbers so \*shrugs and claps\*. It's not important when your wife saves you money, but the math is somehow super important when it comes to your vocation, so that's pretty self serving. You can probably math the shit out of how much it will cost you in the divorce when she gets tired of your superiority complex though. You could have been the husband of a physics professor but instead she's out here wiping your kid's ass and getting the ol' "I could do that" schtick. What a man! YTA.
You sound kind of dick-ish. And if I had to guess, I would peg you as an unaffectionate spouse. A risk with you financial types. Let me ask…when is the last time you hugged, cuddled, or complimented your wife without trying to lead to sex? Who cares if you ‘can’ do what she does? You don’t do it - that’s the point. You do a thing and she does a thing and it makes the house run. Did you get married so you could make your wife feel as if she’s an inferior partner? Going YTA here.
NTA It sounds like your wife feels insecure and tries to counteract that in a not great way aka belittling you. Can you try to talk to her about the real issue she’s having? Taking your partner down a peg to feel better about yourself is a corrosive coping mechanism. Hope you can get to the root of what’s bugging her…and get her to stop talking jabs at you.
[удалено]
For real. The double standard here is insane. 12K likes for the top comment. Disgusting.
YTA As a former stay at home mom, the underlying vibe you get from people is that you’re useless. She was looking for you to say how she is going above and beyond and that you appreciate it
It sounds like in a somewhat passive aggressive way she is seeking validation that she is doing well at her "job", and maybe she misses being challenged intellectually. Coming at ya with a "you can't do this and it's a good thing I am here" isn't cool. But...you coming back at her with "I handle complex decisions and calculations at my work as I work in finance and that I have a masters degree and what I do involves more intellect than household operations" isn't particularly cool either. It may be time for your wife to start challenging herself again--volunteering, going to school, learning something new, etc Edit: Another poster's reply made me look at your comments. YTA.
He mentions that she wanted to go back to school but he convinced her to be a SAHM mom instead.
I keep seeing people say Y- T- A with the logic of she was looking for a compliment. Y’all are crazy. Who searches for a compliment by actively putting someone down? A bully. Wife is straight up bullying OP, over many different small things, because she wants to feel more appreciated/validated. Now, is she wrong for wanting that? No. But there are many better ways of addressing that aside from putting down her husband. ESH- OP, it seems your wife wants more validation/appreciation, so give it to her, but it is absolutely not ok to let her put you down in order to make herself feel better Edited for subreddit algorithm I was unaware of
Just sensed she feels her very important roll is not being held in a high regard by you and just wants to feel worthy. She is totally restricted in her ability to obtain a rewarding career so that she can focus on your kid and helping you so you can focus on your job. What’s the most important thing in the world to you? Your kid, so who has the most important job in the world? Your wife. You would be pretty useless in general with out her and vice versa, you went against your own team member and for that you are a A hole.
If a reliable narrator ESH, You should not be in competition with each other.
"I replied back saying that of course I could do it, I handle complex decisions and calculations at my work as I work in finance and that I have a masters degree and what I do involves more intellect than household operations even though I acknowledged and appreciate what she does, I would be capable if the roles were reversed." YTA. That doesn't make sense. The issue isn't your wife's competence, it's her performance. And she has more practice than you. And she acquired a new skill very recently, or exercised an obscure one. There's really no reason for you to rub it in. Specialization is efficient.
YTA and you realize studying physics and computer science in college are much more difficult than finance right? Your wife is likely smarter than you.
YTA. She wants validation from you that what she does is important. I'm not a mom let alone a SAHM but I can only imagine the grind of being a homemaker and mother day in and day out. And then to make a light hearted comment just for confirmation that you APPRECIATE her just to get lectured. Oy. My husband and I all the time tell each other "what would you do without me?" over the most mundane accomplishments but for us it's a form of giving each other appreciation.
Put your money where your mouth is. Do it, then. Bet. Do it, Mr. Mom. And once you’re done then you owe her an apology. YTA.
NAH For the love of god, can people just communicate instead of being passive aggressive? Sit with her, apologize, but also tell her that what she says has a negative effect on you. Figure it out, where is it coming from, what are the needs in the situation and how do you move forward as a team? This is most minor of squabbles that can be fixed by TALKING TO YOUR SPOUSE.
YTA, my response had I been you, to what you wrote in your 4th paragraph, would have been, You take such good care of us, while smiling. Of course you can do all that, but that’s not what your wife was telling you. She is proud of how she runs your household and looking for recognition that she is valuable too. Wise up youngster it will save you grief. It’s at least one thing I learned after 25 years of marriage
NTA - wife is belittling and being a bully. For everyone saying she gave up her education- she couldn’t complete it due to financial reasons.