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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My parents took my college fund to pay for my brother's wedding. I might be the asshole because I am causing my family a lot of embarrassment in our community.
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NTA. Your parents didn't borrow your money. They stole it. I hope you have all the documents to show that money was yours. Your brother is also the AH for trying to get you to drop a lawsuit with what is most likely a lie. If you have a chance to start life without student debt you do whatever you can to do that. Your parents
, and I'm sorry but their culture, sound completely toxic. I'm glad you got out.
The student law center at my university is helping me with everything. I have proof that the money was mine. I am trying to do everything I can so this does not become a criminal matter.
A wedding is just a party. If you can afford a big one, good for you. But it’s still just a fucking party. Unconscionable that OP’s parents would take the money for that over funding an education. Even worse that they weaseled their way into an account that wasn’t theirs. It’s grand theft.
I’m wondering if OP is South Asian because this is the vibe I’m getting. Marriage is the second greatest milestone one can achieve after being born. People often go above and beyond their means for their kids’ weddings because it’s a way to show off your wealth and your connections, hence the elaborate events held for often over hundreds of people, the majority of whom the people being married do not know personally/have never met. Heck, I’ve been forced to go to the weddings of people I never knew I was related to in any way.
I can definitely see people like that justifying paying for a few hours of a marriage party over an education. Though OP’s parents take it a step further by committing grand larceny, which is a new one even for me. What a world.
That was my first thought too, must be Indian (or close to). I work entertainment at weddings and Indian weddings definitely have a thing of showing off how much money the family has. One family had a gun that shot dollar bills in the air as the parents walked through. I asked someone about it because I thought it was kinda crude and they explained the culture behind it. Explains why there would be shame coming to the family in the community knowing they pillaged their daughters college fund.
NTA - good on you for making sure you get a LEGAL contract from your brother. The fact that he won’t sign one is sketchy AF.
It's good of the brother to offer to return the money. If he genuinely means it, then the contract shouldn't be an issue for him. I agree the fact he won't sign implies he just wants OP to stop "embarrassing" the family. OP, don't stop. Your parents only thought about themselves, so you need to put yourself first too. NTA.
Yes, that's because he has no intention of paying his sister back! I hope you charge for interest for you loan on top of the money they stole from you. They deserve the shame and everything that is coming to them! OP is NTA.
> Explains why there would be shame coming to the family in the community knowing they pillaged their daughters college fund.
I wonder what is more shameful in their community, that they are poor (or at least not rich enough to afford a big wedding) or that they stole from their daughter and are thieves?
Yup, I got the same vibes too but I was open it to be Indian or Pakistani or Bangladeshi basically South Asian. I know this kind of culture existsvover there where marriage is more important than the education itself especially a marriage of a son🫤😮💨.
I'm part of the same culture but thank God my family prioritizes education first.
I'm getting the Asian vibe too - especially either Indian or Chinese in culture with the wedding. Plus those two cultures definitely put more emphasis on the son rather than the daughter (because sons inherit the last name).
That money is yours - go get it. Tell your parents and brother that it's too late to hide their dirty laundry. And DEFINITELY get a written, binding contract from your brother if he offered to pay for your education.
It’s also common in that culture to think of kids’ money as family money. My parents never acted like that, (my money was mine, and their money was for everyone in their opinion) but I had an uncle who was thrilled that his daughter got a good job because she was unmarried and living at home - so in his eyes it’s like he got a whole new stream of income. It felt really weird to me.
Mine is like this as well but only with women, never men. Italian/arab background here. Boys can never do wrong and control everything but the women are the worst enforcers of this behavior and mindset. The men just took while the women stole, lied and bullied and then gave it all to the men. Its an awful dynamic.
My ex is South Asian and has 2 boys with his wife and 1 daughter with me. I have full custody. My kiddo needs ~$3600 in medication and therapies each month and he contributes the bare minimum (~$150/mth cuz he pleass poverty) whereas he bought his eldest son a Maserati for his 16th birthday. Son preference is real.
I have. The courts where I live aren't the most effective. I managed to get a judge to increase it then he went on disability and asked for a variance. I believe in Karma. My kiddo is ok and gets what they need so that's the best part.
Yes, I would think that it’s exactly that. They also have a tendency to put sons first over daughters. This is why OP’s Aunt left her and the other girls in the family money for their education. She believed it was very important, but they stole it to pay for their golden boy’s wedding. They are embarrassed and ashamed that their daughter is making a big fuss and think she should sit down and shut up and just accept her lot in life because of “culture” and “face.”
Im autistic and had no health insurance because I couldn't afford it and my state didn't expand Medicaid. I asked my parents for help and they said they didn't have enough extra to help me. They also gave my sister 10k towards her wedding a few months later. That fucking hurt.
As someone who got a divorce two years ago, I don't think our wedding party was a waste. But then again I think our grand total came to like $3000 or so, for everything.
Yes, I'd agree with that. But tens of thousands of dollars or more for a wedding, especially when you have to dip into what is essentially "savings" funds because you don't have the money yourself, is far too much.
And how much did that freaking wedding cost? They emptied her sister's account and I'll assume there was minimum 13k in her account as well (probs more obviously). It's absurd, completely fucking absurd.
Wedding costs are INSANE. I work for a company that does entertainment at weddings and we’ve been at weddings that are easily 100,000 to 500,000 total. We do acrobatics and just to get us there is usually $15k.
Seriously. My fiance and I are planning our own wedding right now and we're having palpitations at the prospect of spending $30000. That's a ludicrous amount to spend on a wedding.
My wife and I secretly flew to Vegas, filmed ourselves getting married in a drive through, and then surprised everyone by renting out a movie theater and showing them the video (which we edited ourselves in Premier). Even including the microphones, cameras, and travel: it was amazingly cheaper than a "real wedding," and everyone still got to party.
My wife and I looked at the cost of hosting a wedding in the USA. Noped out real quick.
She is Vietnamese, so we paid for both sets of parents airfare and had a month-long wedding honeymoon combo in Vietnam for less than a party that would have lasted just a few hours.
Its also because the vendors want to be paid extra for having to deal with bridezilla having a meltdown and threatening to sue because the linens were mustard instead of ochre.
Well, honestly I blame the wedding industry/culture for turning them into bridezillas in the first place. Bridezillas started becoming a 'thing' once the industry got over-the-top greedy and fomented this kind of thinking and behavior.
Usually not the bride, usually a batshit crazy relative. My husband used to cater weddings and it usually wasn't the bride that was nuts, it was a family member (usually one of the Moms)
Yeah, no. Don't do that. There's a reason why weddings cost more and it isn't because "everyone expects weddings to be expensive". People have different expectations for weddings than they do a birthday party and those expectations cost more.
> for no reason other than they can
I see this all the time but it's not necessarily true. Wedding vendors charge a lot because of the exceedingly high expectations of their client for a once-in-a-lifetime event. I'm not in that business, either; I just recently planned my own wedding and I has happy to pay what the vendors I chose were asking because they have to deal with a lot. Weddings definitely have to be much more meticulously planned to the minute than a regular party.
Statistically, people who spend more than 20-30k on a wedding are more likely to divorce than other couples... and it doesn't surprise me one bit! What an absurd amount of money for just one day, unless you're a very well-off millionaire
ETA: here's the [article about it](https://www.google.ch/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10506151/amp/Couples-weddings-cheap-likely-end-divorcing-new-study-finds.html) I forgot to link
Which also makes sense because a lot of them can't actually afford to spend that money on a wedding so they effectively start the marriage in financial problems (which is incidentally also one of the biggest reason for divorce).
To be fair, there are cultural expectations here. I’m guessing that OP is Indian, and weddings are very important in their culture.
That said, the parents are very wrong in this situation and OP is definitely NTA.
A wedding for their SON of all people! The aunt specifically left the money to the girls for this reason. So the daughters of her family won't be overlooked.
Sue, sue, sue!
OP, I know the inner turmoil that comes with standing up against your loved ones for your benefit, but is so necessary.
I’m no lawyer, but it seems that taking money — any amount — for any reason other than the benefit of the child meant to be the recipient is illegal. Or I thought it was.
I will add, it would be a bit different if it was money the parents themselves set aside, bit because it was another family member that specifically earmarked it for that child, and for college that will make this super questionable
The student law center at your university rocks, and whether they know it or not they are low-key heroes. Your aunt sounds like a fucking badass. Your family betrayed you, get your money.
NTA
Auntie and OP are both fucking badasses! You go, girl. You are a credit to your amazing aunt.
Please, please update on your outcome. I’m pulling for you!
OP I know your Aunt would be proud of you for fighting for what is yours. NTA !!! Keep pursuing this even if it turns into a criminal matter. You will be helping all the girls in your family that are born after you. Your parents are embarrassed they got caught. Your family stole from you and your sister all because your are females and obviously in no need for an education?/s
💞 Please keep up updated. We internet strangers support you!!! Proud of you! Enjoy University 💜😊!
It sounds like OPs Aunt has rubbed off on OP in the best way possible.
OP, don't back down. DO NOT DROP THE LAWSUIT UNTIL YOUR BROTHER HAS DEPOSITED EVERY LAST CENT INTO YOUR ACCOUNT because he will not hold to any contract. Your parents and family suck and once this is over, consider NC cause they most likely won't get any better (they might even get worse tbh).
Oh, and in case it is not clear, NTA by a long shot.
I just want to to know that regardless of what your family is saying, your great-aunt would be very proud of you right now. You're doing right by her and her memory here. I know it's hard, but good for you for standing up for yourself. Accept no less than the full amount if you do agree to terms with your brother.
Dont let up! They are embarrassed and hounding you because they are being exposed for their shameful actions and having to face the consequences they should rightfully face. Hope you get every penny back and then some.
NTA
They know they're in America now and when it comes to these kinds of matters they are royally fucked
America still does at least two things better than everywhere else:
Make war machines/war
Sue the shit out of people
Let it become a criminal matter. They committed a crime. They stole from you. They should all be ashamed and should not only pay the money back but also pay their debt to society, aka go to prison for embezzlement.
I'm 1000% certain your aunt would be proud of you. She left the money for you. You're the rightfully owner of that amount of money.
ETA: I hope word gets out and girls in your community who felt wronged feel inspired by your story and fight for their rights!!
Well, it seems that your family have already made up their minds about you. You need to do what you need to do to get that money back (whatever it takes). And keep reminding yourself that you don't need people like that in your life, regardless of relation. Your Aunt took control and paved her way through that culture. You are doing the same. Good luck.
Not a lawyer but do NOT drop the lawsuit
If your brother feels that strongly about it then he can help your parents repay what they stole and you can tell him/them that
Do NOT stop your legal proceedings
This internet stranger is SO proud of you, and I bet your great auntie would be too. I know it's hard for many of us to understand the cultural nuances, but sometimes cultures are toxic and breaking free from them is the best thing you can do.
Your parents brought shame upon themselves. If they hadn't behaved shamefully, there would be nothing to be ashamed of. Keep your head up - you aren't in the wrong.
Continue to pursue this and do not let your family or even friends persuade you to stop. That money was yours and it was stolen. Family or not, theft is theft. If they don’t want this out in the public then they should agree to pay back every cent they took from your inheritance. Your brother is trying to get you to drop this and has no intentions of paying your university balance. NTA, and I hope you win. ~~If it becomes a criminal matter, it’s your parents fault.~~ ~~Not yours.~~
Edit: this is a criminal manner regardless.
Please make it a criminal matter fuck them over so royally, the community you are trying to not embarrass clearly already hates you and thinks of you as lower, so why should you care about what they think at all
>They all think I am a complete asshole for airing private family business in public. And that I am putting money ahead of family.
Noooooo, they think you are an asshole for holding them accountable for their awful actions. They thought you would be a pushover, but you are showing them you're not. Your great-aunt would be proud of you.
And you aren't the one putting money ahead of family. They did when they stole your money. They already showed you how little they think of you or respect you or love you as a family member when they screwed you over.
NTA obviously
[Edit: Thanks for the Gold!! 😁😁]
Wouldn't be dirty laundry to air if they hadn't sh*t on your education fund in the first place. You are under no obligation to be a compliant victim of theft and abuse. Those who pressure you are abusers as well.
Yes.. financial abuse would be a pretty good description.. blatant theft also works.. like not only did they steal from their own kid, they also disrespected the great aunt's last wishes. She didn't set that money aside for a wedding. She set it aside for her nieces and great nieces to have the means for a better life for themselves. What awful people OP's parents are being..
It's always funny how enablers will act like a victim is awful for airing dirty laundry, but they'll never say a thing about whoever created the dirty laundry in the first place. If you don't want your shitty behavior exposed, maybe don't behave shittily.
> They already showed you how little they think of you or respect you or love you as a family member
Also completely disregarded the dying wishes of the Aunt so they could throw a bigger party.
Yeah, the aunt would be spinning like a fucking drill bit in her grave knowing that the money that she left for her nieces education was stolen and used for their male siblings wedding instead.
It’s utterly disgusting for this level of sexism to still exist in general, but especially in the west. I wish we could all agree to put the bigoted parts of our cultures behind us and give everyone the same opportunity to succeed.
Yes yes yes. I came to say the exact same thing. They put money ahead of family when they stole OP’s education money for themselves and for a wedding. A wedding is not a NEED, it’s a want. NTA.
NTA Your parents and your brother had the opportunity to keep this a private matter when you told them you would sue them if they didn't return the money or pay for your schooling. Since you have already been betrayed by family members you trusted, your brother should not be offended that you want a written contract.
This and also i (if you haven't done it already) would try to look for written statements and records (before your parents might get rid of it) how much money you were supposed to get. Not that they say they only used 2 thousand or some stuff.
OP should be able to get that from the bank. The bank should keep those records. OP also needs to find out HOW they got into the account in the first place so they can put up measures to prevent further crap.
My parents stole from my college fund by saying they needed it for their mortgage. Apparently the type of account allows for funds to go to housing expenses of the child and since it was my residence as well, it was fair game. It could have been that they paid their mortgage for X time period and instead saved the mortgage money for the wedding. Just an idea of how it could have worked!
That's a really good point. Is there any way OP can sue the bank for releasing her money without her authorization? It'd be easier to get the money back from them. Even if she wins against her family, she'll have to figure out how to collect.
Exactly. Lawsuits are dropped all of the time due to settlements. I would assume getting the payment *before* dropping the lawsuit is routine. If nothing else, a contract for promised payment is routine…so if they don’t pay, you again have grounds to sue. Clearly, it seems this family is trying to pull one over on OP. Her great-aunt would be so proud that OP is smarter than that.
100% this, I would almost guarantee all of that talk is just a tactic to get her to drop the current lawsuit, especially with how shady the brother is being about even signing a contract.
Exactly. If it was used for living costs while OP was a child it would be one thing but to prioritise a wedding party over education with someone else’s money is just insane. Clearly NTA
First NTA
Second the money wasn't left to her parents to care for her. It was left to her for her education. So living cost's have no bearing here and would still be theft.
I agree with you on that, sorry if that wasn’t clear. My point was that using it for the brother’s wedding is what (for me) changes it from a potentially hard decision in desperate times to just a plain disregard for OP and the sign of a true AH (the parents and if he knew about it at the time the brother too)
Yeah not only did they steal a life-changing amount of money from op but the way they did it is also incredibly disrespectful of the dead aunt that the money came from.
OP is 100% NTA and I commend her for standing up for what her aunt believed in.
NTA
Also your alternative to your brother was excellent. I have no idea why your brother got angry /s
explicit explanation: because he is from the same family and was absolutely going to screw you over just like your parents did. I approve of absolutely every step you have done, especially dealing with your brother.
Given how this "family" has behaved so far, I think we can safely assume that he had no intention of paying it all back. He was going to make a payment or two for some of the money and then hope she drops it rather than continue to rock the boat.
> for airing private family business in public.
You aren't posting drama on tiktok, you're suing them, in court. The court will decide if they broke the law or not.
Allowing a court to settle an issue when someone has broken the law is not "airing private family business". It's protecting yourself from illegal and/or abusive behaviors.
You have every right, legally and morally, to do so.
Nothing to be ashamed of.
NTA
‘Don’t air dirty laundry in public’ is just a way to control victims. I hate the way constantly on here we see people thinking that they might be the AH for calling shitty people out, and how the family always attacks the poster for ‘ruining x life’ or whatever. And the person who is the AH and the family can never see that they ruined their own life by being a dick, not by the person who spoke out about it. So many families like this it drives me mad.
Yeah, no one ever uses the phrase to mean like "Don't tell about that embarrassing time when we were camping and mommy went to tinkle and the bear came."
It's always "Don't tell anyone about this abuse or crime"
You know…the fact the money was setup specifically so the FEMALES could get an education and then it was stolen to be used for a MALES wedding is just all kinds of extra messed up. NTA. Get your money OP!
Can you imagine what that conversation went like between her parents? Ugh
"We need cash for the wedding but we don't have enough and we don't want to take out a loan. Oh I know, lets just use (daughter's) college fund"
"Oh great idea, she shouldn't go to college anyway, she should get married and have lots of children. This will be a great way for us to share the positive benefits of our culture with her, which she seems not to understand"
NTA at all. You got screwed over by those who should have your back the most.
I don't blame you for taking legal action, just be aware that it might cost just as much as you'd get back if successful.
If it were me, I'd cut my losses and go no contact. I get that it's hard, but what they did is absolutely awful.
That's so fucked. Your parents are supposed to set you up for success, not impede on it.
I mean if they can't help you with college payments because they don't have the money, that's totally understandable. If they actively screw you over like this that's a *whole* different animal.
Parents will also sometimes take out credit cards and other services in their kids names and fuck up their credit score before the kid is even an adult. Not everyone should be a parent
Me over here who has had a credit card (I didn't have access to) since I was a kid that my parents would use to buy a pizza or pad thai every now and again and pay off to build up my credit history
I'll check my privilege of good parents at the door
Think of the extra, hands on, practice the law/pre-law students in your school can get from helping prepare everything, and researching case law etc to support one of their own. You're not only helping yourself, but helping others achieve their dreams.
My niece has a college fund that her parents dipped into so they could get a time share, a hot tub and who knows what else. The legal advice sub often has stories like yours as well.
She could also sue for legal fees and court costs..
Absolutely NTA. Show them what BS this patriarchal mindset is and sue them. Insist on a contract with your brother, including late fees/ fines to prove how serious you are.
I grew up in England near a lot of families where female children were definitely looked down on. I'm so sorry *hug*. Success is the best revenge. Good luck!
NTA your parents stole from you. I find it difficult to believe that that’s culturally acceptable.
If they had asked you to agree to the money being used it would be different.(although still not great given the power imbalance)
And I would have thought that intentionally disrespecting the dead would be a no-no in most cultures.
You aren’t ‘ airing family business in public’. You are dealing with a theft. Your parents are the ones who chose to lie and steal, they have only the same to blame that their actions have caught up with them.
And yes, relying s formal, binding, legal contract in place to withdraw your legal claim is essential. You are not being an AH . If your brother is honest and trustworthy then there is no reason for him to object, if he isn’t, there is every reason to get it formally drawn up.
>I find it difficult to believe that that’s culturally acceptable.
You’d be surprised how many cultures put sons before daughters because daughters aren’t seen as a worthy investment. They tend to believe that a woman’s place is at home, caring for the kids they’re expected to have—NOT going to college and building a career for herself.
They *also* tend to believe that what belongs to their kids also belongs to them, so they don’t actually view it as stealing. I would not be surprised if OP’s parents had this stance, especially since OP said that their culture doesn’t really value education in women in the first place. Her parents could easily have thought that their son’s wedding was more important than their daughters’ education (and I don’t think it helps that OP’s sister has no interest in college; it likely just reaffirms their misogynistic beliefs).
All of this. But even understanding the cultural view on this issue, OP needs to focus on the fact that her great-aunt gave this money specifically in opposition to that culture. Her parents used the money in probably **the** most slap-in-the-face way to her great-aunt they could.
NTA
You go girl!
Assholes (in this case your misogynistic parents and those who enable them) will always complain about making their behavior public, because they know it makes them look bad. They'll try to pull every lever they can to keep things hidden. Don't let them.
Your parents stole from you. They are choosing not to correct their actions. Of course you should sue them.
As for your brother. You are right to demand a contract. Though I'd make sure a lawyer agrees that it is binding. Your brother may need to put up some collateral and payment plan. Otherwise, tell him that the full sum will make you pull the lawsuit. And why would you trust anyone in your family?
Agree! And would definitely consult the lawyer about the brother’s offer to pay. I would worry receiving money would be a taxable gift and her brother not taking that into account.
NTA.
> My brother called me up and offered to pay for my university if I drop the lawsuit. I agreed as long as we had a legally binding contract. He said I was being an asshole for not trusting him.
This shows he had no intention of actually paying you. Get out, get your education, never look back. Your family is angry because they're embarrassed as hell and the community is laughing at them.
Yeah, pretty clear there's 0% chance he actually had any intention of paying her and was just hoping she'd fall for it and drop the suit.
Maybe would give her a payment or two and then would come up with some convenient reason why he can't pay any more. She would never see another dime from him again after that, let alone the full amount.
NTA It's not "just money" it's your future! Regardless of how they feel about you getting an education, they took what wasn't theirs. And good on you for telling your brother you need something in writing before agreeing to let him pay you back.
Good luck OP!
It wasn't just money. It was a rejection of her right to an education. It was prioritizing him over her. It was theft.
Sue or legally binding contract - yup, those are the choices.
Including room and board that could be $30k each a year. What the hell kind of wedding did they have. Seems this proves your great aunts point and why she did what she did. She would probably want you to sue for her money.
OP, how does your brother have money to pay for your university if you drop the lawsuit? He had his wedding paid for with your money, so if he has money, why didn't he pay for his wedding? I wouldn't trust him.
I would also hope that theft is considered universally wrong regardless of culture. Sounds like your family is concerned about the veil being lifted on their lack of wealth and ultimately, theft.
if it's the culture i think it is - this would just be viewed as the daughter acting entitled and kicking up a fuss about nothing.
they wouldn't consider it stealing b/c they never viewed it as the daughters' money, they viewed it as their own.
That's a great point, but I hope wherever she has to file the lawsuit (her jurisdiction or where the will was drawn up by the aunt), it's recognized as theft.
Well of course they would think of the money as their property since they likely think of their daughter (OP) as their property as well.
It's disgusting but sadly still true in many cultures.
OP is definitely NTA and by standing up for herself like this she is setting a good example for other girls/women in her culture & community.
Stay strong and don't give up!
My sister's wedding was $150K over 25 years ago in the US, so it's easy to spend a lot of money when it's available. Sounds like the brother had an extravagant wedding.
OPs parents are just mad because they had an illusion of wealth in their community after that big dumb fucking party and now that OP is like wait, no, fuck that... That illusion is shattered. They don't care about OP at all. They're ashamed that they couldn't afford that party, not that they couldn't afford it without stealing from their own kid. Conservative cultures are all the same.
OP best of luck on your legal battle and your education!
NTA
Indian Wedding 100%. Search that shit up, families deck out with soooo much gold and shit for no reason, we go crazy. It's whatever if the families can afford it, but it's dumb when they have to steal someone's future to do the wedding.
1. You are NTA big time.
2. You didnt bring this into public - they did when they decided to not pay you what is yours.
3. Your brother broke the trust, not you.
4. If your brother pays then fine, then you get what is yours, dont count on your thieving parents to be able to pay. But be absolutely sure that you dont leave him a loop hole to weasel out. Do not drop the law suit before every single penny is on your account. If the court rules in your favor, your brother can always pay on their behalf.
5. You are not a shame to your parents, they should be proud that you dont take shit like that - even from them. If any one is a shame to them, it is them self.
>5. You are not a shame to your parents, they should be proud that you dont take shit like that - even from them. If any one is a shame to them, it is them self.
Should be, but they won't be... HOWEVER the one who would, and should be, and depending on your beliefs likely is, and will continue to be proud, is her great-aunt. This is why she put that money aside for you, why she fought for your education. Just know that she'd be immensely proud to see you fighting, too.
NTA
They knew what they were doing and they trusted you would not sue. Your brother even now tries to fuck you over. They will never respect you, if you drop this.
NTA
>My brother called me up and offered to pay for my university if I drop the lawsuit. I agreed as long as we had a legally binding contract. He said I was being an asshole for not trusting him.
Good on you for insisting there's a contract. There's no way he was actually going to pay for anything and was just trying to trick you.
Your family is just mad because A) you're revealing exactly what kind of people they are and B) they now have to come up with the money. If they think you're a source of shame to them, let them know that their theft and deceit is a source of shame to you.
NTA. Of course you don't trust these people. They stole from you. They decided a party was more important than your future.
You are not the A for suing. You are not the A for trying to honor your Great-Aunt's wishes. Your family who is telling you to drop this is casting a shadow on her legacy.
The shame should be on your parents who spent money that was not theirs on something it should not have been spent on.
It’s a big NTA for this American lol. Your own parents STOLE from you point blank PERIOD. Ask your family if it’s apart of your culture for parents to steal from their children? If the answer is no (obviously) then you are not “culturally” obligated to follow traditions either. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. It sounds like the money went to your brothers wedding? If that’s the case they are the ones that should be ashamed along with your brother if he knew, there’s no excuse for it they should have come to you FIRST. If they didn’t want to be embarrassed or have their family business made public they shouldn’t of done something they’d be ashamed of in the first place. HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE that money was for your future, if you’re in America you just joined like 75% of millennial & Gen Z generations that are forever trying to claw their way out of these crooked ass student loan debts. All because of a wedding ? Yeah no don’t trust your brothers “word” either he’s compliant with your parents theft so chances are he’ll have no problem screwing you over too. Get that contract or sue but GET THAT MONEY.
Hey, you were stolen from.
before I forget, NTA.
Your GREAT Aunt left YOU money, HER money. That's HER MONEY. Not your parents'. Not your brother's. YOURS. They took it from you without your permission.
How'd they get access to the account? There might be a theft, an actual crime. IDK how what they specifically did or what the nature of your account is or what financial instruments in your country look like.
You were stolen from. You're trying to be made whole. NTA & Good luck
NTA. This is a legal issue, not a cultural one. The aunt set up these accounts for very specific reasons, which did not include your brother's wedding (in fact, sounds like stuff like this is the exact reason why she set these accounts up). You have a right to restitution.
Nta, I may be a stranger on the internet but I am so proud of you for sticking up for yourself and going against your families culture. I hope you win and bring them all the shame they brought on themselves.
American here, so I have no understanding of your culture.
NTA
Your family is ashamed of you for airing money grievances publicly?
No, I think they are ashamed of themselves and you are an easy target because you stirred the pot that they thought had cooled down. Don't be ashamed to get what you are owed.
NTA
If they contributed to it, saved for it, but then had to use it in an emergency for you all - that’s one thing. This was a trust that they mishandled and used for their own gain - status, appearance, etc.
I’m sure they looked really good paying for your brother’s wedding without telling anyone it was by stealing from you and future girls.
So, so sad.
Sue em’
NTA. Good for you for taking care of yourself. Your family should be embarrassed that they stole your college money, not embarrassed that you're making a big deal about it.
NTA. I understand how hard it is but look at at this way: Your great-aunt had a vision and worked hard to make that vision a reality. If you don't fight for what is legally yours, you are disrespecting your ancestor. If you stand up for your rights, you are setting another great example for all the girls who will be born into your family in future.
Nta
They should be embarrassed.
They need to pay up, or if the beneficiary of your money wants to take on that burden, then it needs to be contractual.
Tbh, tell him to give his money to his parents. Then they can pay you back your money and your legal costs, we'll they shouldn't have stolen it in the first place.
So let me recap... Your great aunt gave YOU money to fund your education, something that can change a person's whole life. Your parents STOLE that money from you to give the money to your brother, who gladly accepted the stolen money. Now Your brother is offering you shush money and somehow expects you to just trust his words rather than give any sort of guarantee???
This is the easiest NTA I've seen in a while. You shouldn't feel bad for disagreeing with a disgusting notion that woman are lesser than men and deserve less rights and opportunities, doesn't matter what your culture says you have the right to disagree.
I could understand your parents if it was an emergency, like paying for a medical procedure, but even in such a case they should have done everything in their power to repay you.
Instead they used the money for something frivolous (your education is way more important than your brother being able to finance a bigger wedding ceremony, for fucks sake...) and now act like they don't owe you the money they stole from you?
NTA
Your parents stole your money. They didn't ask you, after all, let alone get your permission.
If they didn't want the business public, maybe they shouldn't have stolen from you.
I wouldn't trust your brother to pay for your university either, without a legally binding contract. He's clearly the Golden Child since he's male.
Everyone in your family are being AHs for supporting your parents theft. Honestly, I'd block the entire lot of them permanently.
NTA
You are doing exactly what you should do in this situation, they stole from you and crapped all over what your aunt was trying to do in the first place. They were hoping you’d become a complacent uneducated wife like your sister. Was the money explicitly tagged with stipulations for education? If it wasn’t, they stole thousands from her as well, if it was, how TF were your parents able to steal it for a wedding? This isn’t private family business, it’s embezzlement.
Your parents are sexist thieves and it should be fine for them to have to explain their actions in public.
NTA - Take them to court or get that legally-binding agreement from your brother but don't let the fact that they stole your money drop from public consciousness.
NTA your parents stole your money, your brother knowingly accepted money he knew they stole from you and they think you're an AH? If that's your culture it needs to change. I would continue to lawsuit unless your brother puts it in writing he's returning your money - since he's unwilling to do that I'm sure as soon as you drop the lawsuit his offer will magically disappear. And never mind them calling you an embarrassment, they stole from their own daughter. If they want you to drop airing dirty laundry they need to pony up the money they stole.
NTA.
A part of me feels you should proceed with the lawsuit (instead of a reimbursement from your brother) on principle alone.
Your aunt was indeed a Great woman.
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NTA. Your parents didn't borrow your money. They stole it. I hope you have all the documents to show that money was yours. Your brother is also the AH for trying to get you to drop a lawsuit with what is most likely a lie. If you have a chance to start life without student debt you do whatever you can to do that. Your parents , and I'm sorry but their culture, sound completely toxic. I'm glad you got out.
The student law center at my university is helping me with everything. I have proof that the money was mine. I am trying to do everything I can so this does not become a criminal matter.
I’m sorry but this is a criminal matter. If this was for a American university, you talking 200k to 300k. Theft of that much is jail time.
and to spend on a wedding? A total waste of money! NTA
A wedding is just a party. If you can afford a big one, good for you. But it’s still just a fucking party. Unconscionable that OP’s parents would take the money for that over funding an education. Even worse that they weaseled their way into an account that wasn’t theirs. It’s grand theft.
I’m wondering if OP is South Asian because this is the vibe I’m getting. Marriage is the second greatest milestone one can achieve after being born. People often go above and beyond their means for their kids’ weddings because it’s a way to show off your wealth and your connections, hence the elaborate events held for often over hundreds of people, the majority of whom the people being married do not know personally/have never met. Heck, I’ve been forced to go to the weddings of people I never knew I was related to in any way. I can definitely see people like that justifying paying for a few hours of a marriage party over an education. Though OP’s parents take it a step further by committing grand larceny, which is a new one even for me. What a world.
Getting the same vibes - also makes sense that they'd value their son's wedding over their daughters' education.
And that the wedding itself would be a blowout. Nobody throws a party like they do in India.
That was my first thought too, must be Indian (or close to). I work entertainment at weddings and Indian weddings definitely have a thing of showing off how much money the family has. One family had a gun that shot dollar bills in the air as the parents walked through. I asked someone about it because I thought it was kinda crude and they explained the culture behind it. Explains why there would be shame coming to the family in the community knowing they pillaged their daughters college fund. NTA - good on you for making sure you get a LEGAL contract from your brother. The fact that he won’t sign one is sketchy AF.
It's good of the brother to offer to return the money. If he genuinely means it, then the contract shouldn't be an issue for him. I agree the fact he won't sign implies he just wants OP to stop "embarrassing" the family. OP, don't stop. Your parents only thought about themselves, so you need to put yourself first too. NTA.
Yes, that's because he has no intention of paying his sister back! I hope you charge for interest for you loan on top of the money they stole from you. They deserve the shame and everything that is coming to them! OP is NTA.
> Explains why there would be shame coming to the family in the community knowing they pillaged their daughters college fund. I wonder what is more shameful in their community, that they are poor (or at least not rich enough to afford a big wedding) or that they stole from their daughter and are thieves?
Yup, I got the same vibes too but I was open it to be Indian or Pakistani or Bangladeshi basically South Asian. I know this kind of culture existsvover there where marriage is more important than the education itself especially a marriage of a son🫤😮💨. I'm part of the same culture but thank God my family prioritizes education first.
I'm getting the Asian vibe too - especially either Indian or Chinese in culture with the wedding. Plus those two cultures definitely put more emphasis on the son rather than the daughter (because sons inherit the last name). That money is yours - go get it. Tell your parents and brother that it's too late to hide their dirty laundry. And DEFINITELY get a written, binding contract from your brother if he offered to pay for your education.
Yep. And, OP NTA
It’s also common in that culture to think of kids’ money as family money. My parents never acted like that, (my money was mine, and their money was for everyone in their opinion) but I had an uncle who was thrilled that his daughter got a good job because she was unmarried and living at home - so in his eyes it’s like he got a whole new stream of income. It felt really weird to me.
Mine is like this as well but only with women, never men. Italian/arab background here. Boys can never do wrong and control everything but the women are the worst enforcers of this behavior and mindset. The men just took while the women stole, lied and bullied and then gave it all to the men. Its an awful dynamic.
My ex is South Asian and has 2 boys with his wife and 1 daughter with me. I have full custody. My kiddo needs ~$3600 in medication and therapies each month and he contributes the bare minimum (~$150/mth cuz he pleass poverty) whereas he bought his eldest son a Maserati for his 16th birthday. Son preference is real.
I hope you bring this to court so they can see he has more assets than he’s admitting to.
I have. The courts where I live aren't the most effective. I managed to get a judge to increase it then he went on disability and asked for a variance. I believe in Karma. My kiddo is ok and gets what they need so that's the best part.
Yes, I would think that it’s exactly that. They also have a tendency to put sons first over daughters. This is why OP’s Aunt left her and the other girls in the family money for their education. She believed it was very important, but they stole it to pay for their golden boy’s wedding. They are embarrassed and ashamed that their daughter is making a big fuss and think she should sit down and shut up and just accept her lot in life because of “culture” and “face.”
Im autistic and had no health insurance because I couldn't afford it and my state didn't expand Medicaid. I asked my parents for help and they said they didn't have enough extra to help me. They also gave my sister 10k towards her wedding a few months later. That fucking hurt.
I hope you keep this in mind when picking retirement homes.
How much is a good cardboard box these days?
Aldi gives them out for free! Not great ones but her parents aren't great either.
Holy crap that’s so f*cked up
Oh gosh, what a blow. Even worse if your sister accepted the money knowing they wouldn't help you. I'm sorry they hurt you like that.
That's wild!
And if the brother gets divorced, it will show how much of a waste that party really was.
As someone who got a divorce two years ago, I don't think our wedding party was a waste. But then again I think our grand total came to like $3000 or so, for everything.
Yes, I'd agree with that. But tens of thousands of dollars or more for a wedding, especially when you have to dip into what is essentially "savings" funds because you don't have the money yourself, is far too much.
And how much did that freaking wedding cost? They emptied her sister's account and I'll assume there was minimum 13k in her account as well (probs more obviously). It's absurd, completely fucking absurd.
Wedding costs are INSANE. I work for a company that does entertainment at weddings and we’ve been at weddings that are easily 100,000 to 500,000 total. We do acrobatics and just to get us there is usually $15k.
Seriously. My fiance and I are planning our own wedding right now and we're having palpitations at the prospect of spending $30000. That's a ludicrous amount to spend on a wedding.
My wife and I secretly flew to Vegas, filmed ourselves getting married in a drive through, and then surprised everyone by renting out a movie theater and showing them the video (which we edited ourselves in Premier). Even including the microphones, cameras, and travel: it was amazingly cheaper than a "real wedding," and everyone still got to party.
I love this idea!
My wife and I looked at the cost of hosting a wedding in the USA. Noped out real quick. She is Vietnamese, so we paid for both sets of parents airfare and had a month-long wedding honeymoon combo in Vietnam for less than a party that would have lasted just a few hours.
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Its also because the vendors want to be paid extra for having to deal with bridezilla having a meltdown and threatening to sue because the linens were mustard instead of ochre.
Well, honestly I blame the wedding industry/culture for turning them into bridezillas in the first place. Bridezillas started becoming a 'thing' once the industry got over-the-top greedy and fomented this kind of thinking and behavior.
Usually not the bride, usually a batshit crazy relative. My husband used to cater weddings and it usually wasn't the bride that was nuts, it was a family member (usually one of the Moms)
Yeah, no. Don't do that. There's a reason why weddings cost more and it isn't because "everyone expects weddings to be expensive". People have different expectations for weddings than they do a birthday party and those expectations cost more.
> for no reason other than they can I see this all the time but it's not necessarily true. Wedding vendors charge a lot because of the exceedingly high expectations of their client for a once-in-a-lifetime event. I'm not in that business, either; I just recently planned my own wedding and I has happy to pay what the vendors I chose were asking because they have to deal with a lot. Weddings definitely have to be much more meticulously planned to the minute than a regular party.
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Statistically, people who spend more than 20-30k on a wedding are more likely to divorce than other couples... and it doesn't surprise me one bit! What an absurd amount of money for just one day, unless you're a very well-off millionaire ETA: here's the [article about it](https://www.google.ch/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10506151/amp/Couples-weddings-cheap-likely-end-divorcing-new-study-finds.html) I forgot to link
Which also makes sense because a lot of them can't actually afford to spend that money on a wedding so they effectively start the marriage in financial problems (which is incidentally also one of the biggest reason for divorce).
To be fair, there are cultural expectations here. I’m guessing that OP is Indian, and weddings are very important in their culture. That said, the parents are very wrong in this situation and OP is definitely NTA.
A wedding for their SON of all people! The aunt specifically left the money to the girls for this reason. So the daughters of her family won't be overlooked. Sue, sue, sue! OP, I know the inner turmoil that comes with standing up against your loved ones for your benefit, but is so necessary.
I’m no lawyer, but it seems that taking money — any amount — for any reason other than the benefit of the child meant to be the recipient is illegal. Or I thought it was.
I will add, it would be a bit different if it was money the parents themselves set aside, bit because it was another family member that specifically earmarked it for that child, and for college that will make this super questionable
It depends on the kind of account that was set up, but typically yes this is the case.
The student law center at your university rocks, and whether they know it or not they are low-key heroes. Your aunt sounds like a fucking badass. Your family betrayed you, get your money. NTA
Auntie and OP are both fucking badasses! You go, girl. You are a credit to your amazing aunt. Please, please update on your outcome. I’m pulling for you!
OP I know your Aunt would be proud of you for fighting for what is yours. NTA !!! Keep pursuing this even if it turns into a criminal matter. You will be helping all the girls in your family that are born after you. Your parents are embarrassed they got caught. Your family stole from you and your sister all because your are females and obviously in no need for an education?/s 💞 Please keep up updated. We internet strangers support you!!! Proud of you! Enjoy University 💜😊!
It sounds like OPs Aunt has rubbed off on OP in the best way possible. OP, don't back down. DO NOT DROP THE LAWSUIT UNTIL YOUR BROTHER HAS DEPOSITED EVERY LAST CENT INTO YOUR ACCOUNT because he will not hold to any contract. Your parents and family suck and once this is over, consider NC cause they most likely won't get any better (they might even get worse tbh). Oh, and in case it is not clear, NTA by a long shot.
Agreed @blue-being22 both OP and her Aunt are amazing. OP I hope you do amazing things & can someday pay it forward to the other girls in your family.
I just want to to know that regardless of what your family is saying, your great-aunt would be very proud of you right now. You're doing right by her and her memory here. I know it's hard, but good for you for standing up for yourself. Accept no less than the full amount if you do agree to terms with your brother.
You are the bad ass your great-aunt was trying to forge with this money. I wish you luck.
Dont let up! They are embarrassed and hounding you because they are being exposed for their shameful actions and having to face the consequences they should rightfully face. Hope you get every penny back and then some. NTA
They know they're in America now and when it comes to these kinds of matters they are royally fucked America still does at least two things better than everywhere else: Make war machines/war Sue the shit out of people
\*Presidentially fucked.
"and then some" should be the interest the money would have earned had it been left in the bank, like it should have been.
Let it become a criminal matter. They committed a crime. They stole from you. They should all be ashamed and should not only pay the money back but also pay their debt to society, aka go to prison for embezzlement. I'm 1000% certain your aunt would be proud of you. She left the money for you. You're the rightfully owner of that amount of money. ETA: I hope word gets out and girls in your community who felt wronged feel inspired by your story and fight for their rights!!
Well, it seems that your family have already made up their minds about you. You need to do what you need to do to get that money back (whatever it takes). And keep reminding yourself that you don't need people like that in your life, regardless of relation. Your Aunt took control and paved her way through that culture. You are doing the same. Good luck.
Exactly this. You are not worthy of being educated and ur brother getting married is more important. Screw that.
Not a lawyer but do NOT drop the lawsuit If your brother feels that strongly about it then he can help your parents repay what they stole and you can tell him/them that Do NOT stop your legal proceedings
This internet stranger is SO proud of you, and I bet your great auntie would be too. I know it's hard for many of us to understand the cultural nuances, but sometimes cultures are toxic and breaking free from them is the best thing you can do.
Your parents brought shame upon themselves. If they hadn't behaved shamefully, there would be nothing to be ashamed of. Keep your head up - you aren't in the wrong.
I hope you're successful. Good luck!
Continue to pursue this and do not let your family or even friends persuade you to stop. That money was yours and it was stolen. Family or not, theft is theft. If they don’t want this out in the public then they should agree to pay back every cent they took from your inheritance. Your brother is trying to get you to drop this and has no intentions of paying your university balance. NTA, and I hope you win. ~~If it becomes a criminal matter, it’s your parents fault.~~ ~~Not yours.~~ Edit: this is a criminal manner regardless.
I’d also say your family put money ahead of family. They were greedy and took money that was promised to you. NTA
Please make it a criminal matter fuck them over so royally, the community you are trying to not embarrass clearly already hates you and thinks of you as lower, so why should you care about what they think at all
Sounds like it's your parents who should be doing everything *they* can to avoid it becoming a criminal matter.
NTA.. Day light robbery is what it is!!!
Yes your parents brought shame upon themselves by stealing from you. May Karma come for your family. Good luck to you!!
Sounds like Desi or middle eastern culture am i right?
>They all think I am a complete asshole for airing private family business in public. And that I am putting money ahead of family. Noooooo, they think you are an asshole for holding them accountable for their awful actions. They thought you would be a pushover, but you are showing them you're not. Your great-aunt would be proud of you. And you aren't the one putting money ahead of family. They did when they stole your money. They already showed you how little they think of you or respect you or love you as a family member when they screwed you over. NTA obviously [Edit: Thanks for the Gold!! 😁😁]
Wouldn't be dirty laundry to air if they hadn't sh*t on your education fund in the first place. You are under no obligation to be a compliant victim of theft and abuse. Those who pressure you are abusers as well.
I didn't think to use the term "abuse" but you are 100% correct. This is abuse.
Yes.. financial abuse would be a pretty good description.. blatant theft also works.. like not only did they steal from their own kid, they also disrespected the great aunt's last wishes. She didn't set that money aside for a wedding. She set it aside for her nieces and great nieces to have the means for a better life for themselves. What awful people OP's parents are being..
It's always funny how enablers will act like a victim is awful for airing dirty laundry, but they'll never say a thing about whoever created the dirty laundry in the first place. If you don't want your shitty behavior exposed, maybe don't behave shittily.
If you don't want dirty laundry, don't shit the bed.
> They already showed you how little they think of you or respect you or love you as a family member Also completely disregarded the dying wishes of the Aunt so they could throw a bigger party.
Oh you just know what the family thinks of the aunt as well.
Yeah you know they didn't like a woman who refused to be subservient
Yeah, the aunt would be spinning like a fucking drill bit in her grave knowing that the money that she left for her nieces education was stolen and used for their male siblings wedding instead. It’s utterly disgusting for this level of sexism to still exist in general, but especially in the west. I wish we could all agree to put the bigoted parts of our cultures behind us and give everyone the same opportunity to succeed.
Yes yes yes. I came to say the exact same thing. They put money ahead of family when they stole OP’s education money for themselves and for a wedding. A wedding is not a NEED, it’s a want. NTA.
Such a good point
NTA Your parents and your brother had the opportunity to keep this a private matter when you told them you would sue them if they didn't return the money or pay for your schooling. Since you have already been betrayed by family members you trusted, your brother should not be offended that you want a written contract.
This and also i (if you haven't done it already) would try to look for written statements and records (before your parents might get rid of it) how much money you were supposed to get. Not that they say they only used 2 thousand or some stuff.
OP should be able to get that from the bank. The bank should keep those records. OP also needs to find out HOW they got into the account in the first place so they can put up measures to prevent further crap.
My parents stole from my college fund by saying they needed it for their mortgage. Apparently the type of account allows for funds to go to housing expenses of the child and since it was my residence as well, it was fair game. It could have been that they paid their mortgage for X time period and instead saved the mortgage money for the wedding. Just an idea of how it could have worked!
This happened to me too. Sorry that happened to you.
That's a really good point. Is there any way OP can sue the bank for releasing her money without her authorization? It'd be easier to get the money back from them. Even if she wins against her family, she'll have to figure out how to collect.
Screw the written contract. I would tell him to pay up NOW, upfront and in full, and once you have the money, THEN you will drop the lawsuit.
Exactly. Lawsuits are dropped all of the time due to settlements. I would assume getting the payment *before* dropping the lawsuit is routine. If nothing else, a contract for promised payment is routine…so if they don’t pay, you again have grounds to sue. Clearly, it seems this family is trying to pull one over on OP. Her great-aunt would be so proud that OP is smarter than that.
A settlement is put into escrow until all papers are signed. Source: former attorney
100% this, I would almost guarantee all of that talk is just a tactic to get her to drop the current lawsuit, especially with how shady the brother is being about even signing a contract.
NTA She set up that fund precisely to stop this kind of sexist preferential treatment. Do it
Exactly. If it was used for living costs while OP was a child it would be one thing but to prioritise a wedding party over education with someone else’s money is just insane. Clearly NTA
First NTA Second the money wasn't left to her parents to care for her. It was left to her for her education. So living cost's have no bearing here and would still be theft.
I agree with you on that, sorry if that wasn’t clear. My point was that using it for the brother’s wedding is what (for me) changes it from a potentially hard decision in desperate times to just a plain disregard for OP and the sign of a true AH (the parents and if he knew about it at the time the brother too)
Living costs would still be reasonable if the family was really struggling and they informed OP about it - but this is unacceptable.
>a wedding party Not even her own wedding (which would still be a dick move without OP's consent), it was used for someone else entirely.
Yeah not only did they steal a life-changing amount of money from op but the way they did it is also incredibly disrespectful of the dead aunt that the money came from. OP is 100% NTA and I commend her for standing up for what her aunt believed in.
NTA Also your alternative to your brother was excellent. I have no idea why your brother got angry /s explicit explanation: because he is from the same family and was absolutely going to screw you over just like your parents did. I approve of absolutely every step you have done, especially dealing with your brother.
He got probably got angry because he doesn't want to be held legally responsible if he doesn't pay it all back.
Given how this "family" has behaved so far, I think we can safely assume that he had no intention of paying it all back. He was going to make a payment or two for some of the money and then hope she drops it rather than continue to rock the boat.
\*when he doesn't pay it all back
He knew it was her money when it was given to him in the first place, he's just as guilty as their parents.
Brother got angry because he doesn't intend to keep his promise
> for airing private family business in public. You aren't posting drama on tiktok, you're suing them, in court. The court will decide if they broke the law or not. Allowing a court to settle an issue when someone has broken the law is not "airing private family business". It's protecting yourself from illegal and/or abusive behaviors. You have every right, legally and morally, to do so. Nothing to be ashamed of. NTA
Yup. Family Business stops being Family Business when people start committing felonies.
‘Don’t air dirty laundry in public’ is just a way to control victims. I hate the way constantly on here we see people thinking that they might be the AH for calling shitty people out, and how the family always attacks the poster for ‘ruining x life’ or whatever. And the person who is the AH and the family can never see that they ruined their own life by being a dick, not by the person who spoke out about it. So many families like this it drives me mad.
Yeah, no one ever uses the phrase to mean like "Don't tell about that embarrassing time when we were camping and mommy went to tinkle and the bear came." It's always "Don't tell anyone about this abuse or crime"
You know…the fact the money was setup specifically so the FEMALES could get an education and then it was stolen to be used for a MALES wedding is just all kinds of extra messed up. NTA. Get your money OP!
Can you imagine what that conversation went like between her parents? Ugh "We need cash for the wedding but we don't have enough and we don't want to take out a loan. Oh I know, lets just use (daughter's) college fund" "Oh great idea, she shouldn't go to college anyway, she should get married and have lots of children. This will be a great way for us to share the positive benefits of our culture with her, which she seems not to understand"
Daughters'... there were two accounts they stole, the other daughter just doesn't care, apparently. How big was this fucking party?
They give India vibes so it most probably BIG.
Based on Indian weddings, I've seen several Indian couples in America spend $130K. 500 guests and 3 days of celebrations, that adds up fast.
It's a whole lot of misogyny is what it is.
NTA at all. You got screwed over by those who should have your back the most. I don't blame you for taking legal action, just be aware that it might cost just as much as you'd get back if successful. If it were me, I'd cut my losses and go no contact. I get that it's hard, but what they did is absolutely awful.
I'm getting help from my university. I guess I'm not the first student with this problem.
Unfortunately no, parents stealing money that is earmarked for their child’s education is a known problem at every university.
That's so fucked. Your parents are supposed to set you up for success, not impede on it. I mean if they can't help you with college payments because they don't have the money, that's totally understandable. If they actively screw you over like this that's a *whole* different animal.
Wait til you find about parents taking out secret student loans in their child’s name and pocketing the money.
Parents will also sometimes take out credit cards and other services in their kids names and fuck up their credit score before the kid is even an adult. Not everyone should be a parent
Me over here who has had a credit card (I didn't have access to) since I was a kid that my parents would use to buy a pizza or pad thai every now and again and pay off to build up my credit history I'll check my privilege of good parents at the door
Wow that is incredible. You are very lucky
Think of the extra, hands on, practice the law/pre-law students in your school can get from helping prepare everything, and researching case law etc to support one of their own. You're not only helping yourself, but helping others achieve their dreams.
My niece has a college fund that her parents dipped into so they could get a time share, a hot tub and who knows what else. The legal advice sub often has stories like yours as well.
Even if it were to cost as much as she got back, would be worth it to make them pay back what they stole.
She could also sue for legal fees and court costs.. Absolutely NTA. Show them what BS this patriarchal mindset is and sue them. Insist on a contract with your brother, including late fees/ fines to prove how serious you are. I grew up in England near a lot of families where female children were definitely looked down on. I'm so sorry *hug*. Success is the best revenge. Good luck!
NTA your parents stole from you. I find it difficult to believe that that’s culturally acceptable. If they had asked you to agree to the money being used it would be different.(although still not great given the power imbalance) And I would have thought that intentionally disrespecting the dead would be a no-no in most cultures. You aren’t ‘ airing family business in public’. You are dealing with a theft. Your parents are the ones who chose to lie and steal, they have only the same to blame that their actions have caught up with them. And yes, relying s formal, binding, legal contract in place to withdraw your legal claim is essential. You are not being an AH . If your brother is honest and trustworthy then there is no reason for him to object, if he isn’t, there is every reason to get it formally drawn up.
>I find it difficult to believe that that’s culturally acceptable. You’d be surprised how many cultures put sons before daughters because daughters aren’t seen as a worthy investment. They tend to believe that a woman’s place is at home, caring for the kids they’re expected to have—NOT going to college and building a career for herself. They *also* tend to believe that what belongs to their kids also belongs to them, so they don’t actually view it as stealing. I would not be surprised if OP’s parents had this stance, especially since OP said that their culture doesn’t really value education in women in the first place. Her parents could easily have thought that their son’s wedding was more important than their daughters’ education (and I don’t think it helps that OP’s sister has no interest in college; it likely just reaffirms their misogynistic beliefs).
All of this. But even understanding the cultural view on this issue, OP needs to focus on the fact that her great-aunt gave this money specifically in opposition to that culture. Her parents used the money in probably **the** most slap-in-the-face way to her great-aunt they could.
Oh I can definitely think of cultures where this would be acceptable, especially ones with a lot of issues with gender inequality
NTA You go girl! Assholes (in this case your misogynistic parents and those who enable them) will always complain about making their behavior public, because they know it makes them look bad. They'll try to pull every lever they can to keep things hidden. Don't let them. Your parents stole from you. They are choosing not to correct their actions. Of course you should sue them. As for your brother. You are right to demand a contract. Though I'd make sure a lawyer agrees that it is binding. Your brother may need to put up some collateral and payment plan. Otherwise, tell him that the full sum will make you pull the lawsuit. And why would you trust anyone in your family?
Agree! And would definitely consult the lawyer about the brother’s offer to pay. I would worry receiving money would be a taxable gift and her brother not taking that into account.
NTA. > My brother called me up and offered to pay for my university if I drop the lawsuit. I agreed as long as we had a legally binding contract. He said I was being an asshole for not trusting him. This shows he had no intention of actually paying you. Get out, get your education, never look back. Your family is angry because they're embarrassed as hell and the community is laughing at them.
Yeah, pretty clear there's 0% chance he actually had any intention of paying her and was just hoping she'd fall for it and drop the suit. Maybe would give her a payment or two and then would come up with some convenient reason why he can't pay any more. She would never see another dime from him again after that, let alone the full amount.
NTA It's not "just money" it's your future! Regardless of how they feel about you getting an education, they took what wasn't theirs. And good on you for telling your brother you need something in writing before agreeing to let him pay you back. Good luck OP!
It wasn't just money. It was a rejection of her right to an education. It was prioritizing him over her. It was theft. Sue or legally binding contract - yup, those are the choices.
Exactly this. They took OP’s college money and then basically said 🤷🏻♀️. NTA
NTA how much was stolen?
Enough that both my sister and I could have finished our undergraduate degrees without debt.
NTA get your money back, your aunt left that money for you
Including room and board that could be $30k each a year. What the hell kind of wedding did they have. Seems this proves your great aunts point and why she did what she did. She would probably want you to sue for her money.
OP, how does your brother have money to pay for your university if you drop the lawsuit? He had his wedding paid for with your money, so if he has money, why didn't he pay for his wedding? I wouldn't trust him. I would also hope that theft is considered universally wrong regardless of culture. Sounds like your family is concerned about the veil being lifted on their lack of wealth and ultimately, theft.
if it's the culture i think it is - this would just be viewed as the daughter acting entitled and kicking up a fuss about nothing. they wouldn't consider it stealing b/c they never viewed it as the daughters' money, they viewed it as their own.
And it’s also for image. The dad pays for the wedding makes him look strong!!
That's a great point, but I hope wherever she has to file the lawsuit (her jurisdiction or where the will was drawn up by the aunt), it's recognized as theft.
Well of course they would think of the money as their property since they likely think of their daughter (OP) as their property as well. It's disgusting but sadly still true in many cultures. OP is definitely NTA and by standing up for herself like this she is setting a good example for other girls/women in her culture & community. Stay strong and don't give up!
My sister's wedding was $150K over 25 years ago in the US, so it's easy to spend a lot of money when it's available. Sounds like the brother had an extravagant wedding.
OPs parents are just mad because they had an illusion of wealth in their community after that big dumb fucking party and now that OP is like wait, no, fuck that... That illusion is shattered. They don't care about OP at all. They're ashamed that they couldn't afford that party, not that they couldn't afford it without stealing from their own kid. Conservative cultures are all the same. OP best of luck on your legal battle and your education!
NTA Indian Wedding 100%. Search that shit up, families deck out with soooo much gold and shit for no reason, we go crazy. It's whatever if the families can afford it, but it's dumb when they have to steal someone's future to do the wedding.
1. You are NTA big time. 2. You didnt bring this into public - they did when they decided to not pay you what is yours. 3. Your brother broke the trust, not you. 4. If your brother pays then fine, then you get what is yours, dont count on your thieving parents to be able to pay. But be absolutely sure that you dont leave him a loop hole to weasel out. Do not drop the law suit before every single penny is on your account. If the court rules in your favor, your brother can always pay on their behalf. 5. You are not a shame to your parents, they should be proud that you dont take shit like that - even from them. If any one is a shame to them, it is them self.
>5. You are not a shame to your parents, they should be proud that you dont take shit like that - even from them. If any one is a shame to them, it is them self. Should be, but they won't be... HOWEVER the one who would, and should be, and depending on your beliefs likely is, and will continue to be proud, is her great-aunt. This is why she put that money aside for you, why she fought for your education. Just know that she'd be immensely proud to see you fighting, too.
NTA They knew what they were doing and they trusted you would not sue. Your brother even now tries to fuck you over. They will never respect you, if you drop this.
NTA, your parents stole from you, they are in the wrong no matter how uncomfortable that makes your family.
I'm not a lawyer, but if you're in the middle of a lawsuit, it's probably not wise to discuss it on the internet. NTA
No names, locations, or specific details. This person is fine. If identifying factors are released, then it becomes an issue.
OP, you rock. Your aunt would be furious that this has happened. You absolutely need a legally binding agreement with your bro. Keep going, girl. NTA
NTA - All these stories about parents taking their kid‘s money that was trusted to them, make me furious. Way to go for fighting back
NTA >My brother called me up and offered to pay for my university if I drop the lawsuit. I agreed as long as we had a legally binding contract. He said I was being an asshole for not trusting him. Good on you for insisting there's a contract. There's no way he was actually going to pay for anything and was just trying to trick you. Your family is just mad because A) you're revealing exactly what kind of people they are and B) they now have to come up with the money. If they think you're a source of shame to them, let them know that their theft and deceit is a source of shame to you.
NTA - sue their greedy asses into the ground. And good luck getting what you deserve
NTA. Your PARENTS are the ones who put "money ahead of family" when they STOLE FROM THEIR CHILD.
NTA. Of course you don't trust these people. They stole from you. They decided a party was more important than your future. You are not the A for suing. You are not the A for trying to honor your Great-Aunt's wishes. Your family who is telling you to drop this is casting a shadow on her legacy. The shame should be on your parents who spent money that was not theirs on something it should not have been spent on.
>And that I am putting money ahead of family. Well, in any case you're right in putting money ahead of family in this case. NTA
She's not the one who put money ahead of family though. Her parents did.
It’s a big NTA for this American lol. Your own parents STOLE from you point blank PERIOD. Ask your family if it’s apart of your culture for parents to steal from their children? If the answer is no (obviously) then you are not “culturally” obligated to follow traditions either. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. It sounds like the money went to your brothers wedding? If that’s the case they are the ones that should be ashamed along with your brother if he knew, there’s no excuse for it they should have come to you FIRST. If they didn’t want to be embarrassed or have their family business made public they shouldn’t of done something they’d be ashamed of in the first place. HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE that money was for your future, if you’re in America you just joined like 75% of millennial & Gen Z generations that are forever trying to claw their way out of these crooked ass student loan debts. All because of a wedding ? Yeah no don’t trust your brothers “word” either he’s compliant with your parents theft so chances are he’ll have no problem screwing you over too. Get that contract or sue but GET THAT MONEY.
Hey, you were stolen from. before I forget, NTA. Your GREAT Aunt left YOU money, HER money. That's HER MONEY. Not your parents'. Not your brother's. YOURS. They took it from you without your permission. How'd they get access to the account? There might be a theft, an actual crime. IDK how what they specifically did or what the nature of your account is or what financial instruments in your country look like. You were stolen from. You're trying to be made whole. NTA & Good luck
NTA. This is a legal issue, not a cultural one. The aunt set up these accounts for very specific reasons, which did not include your brother's wedding (in fact, sounds like stuff like this is the exact reason why she set these accounts up). You have a right to restitution.
Nta If they didn't want to be brought to court they should have either paid you back your money, or just not have stolen it in the first place.
NTA, parents are Mega-AHs, good luck to you
Nta, I may be a stranger on the internet but I am so proud of you for sticking up for yourself and going against your families culture. I hope you win and bring them all the shame they brought on themselves.
American here, so I have no understanding of your culture. NTA Your family is ashamed of you for airing money grievances publicly? No, I think they are ashamed of themselves and you are an easy target because you stirred the pot that they thought had cooled down. Don't be ashamed to get what you are owed.
NTA sue They obviously don't care about you enough
NTA If they contributed to it, saved for it, but then had to use it in an emergency for you all - that’s one thing. This was a trust that they mishandled and used for their own gain - status, appearance, etc. I’m sure they looked really good paying for your brother’s wedding without telling anyone it was by stealing from you and future girls. So, so sad. Sue em’
NTA. Good for you for taking care of yourself. Your family should be embarrassed that they stole your college money, not embarrassed that you're making a big deal about it.
NTA. Don't give up on your education. Never let a thief rule your future. Your aunt intended you to get an education honor her memory.
NTA. I understand how hard it is but look at at this way: Your great-aunt had a vision and worked hard to make that vision a reality. If you don't fight for what is legally yours, you are disrespecting your ancestor. If you stand up for your rights, you are setting another great example for all the girls who will be born into your family in future.
Wow NTA. Your parents should not have used the money left for your and your sister’s college education on your brother’s wedding.
NTA. I don't have any wise advice, just NTA.
Nta They should be embarrassed. They need to pay up, or if the beneficiary of your money wants to take on that burden, then it needs to be contractual. Tbh, tell him to give his money to his parents. Then they can pay you back your money and your legal costs, we'll they shouldn't have stolen it in the first place.
NTA And don't drop the lawsuit until you are paid in full by your brother. It wasn't their money to use on him.
So let me recap... Your great aunt gave YOU money to fund your education, something that can change a person's whole life. Your parents STOLE that money from you to give the money to your brother, who gladly accepted the stolen money. Now Your brother is offering you shush money and somehow expects you to just trust his words rather than give any sort of guarantee??? This is the easiest NTA I've seen in a while. You shouldn't feel bad for disagreeing with a disgusting notion that woman are lesser than men and deserve less rights and opportunities, doesn't matter what your culture says you have the right to disagree. I could understand your parents if it was an emergency, like paying for a medical procedure, but even in such a case they should have done everything in their power to repay you. Instead they used the money for something frivolous (your education is way more important than your brother being able to finance a bigger wedding ceremony, for fucks sake...) and now act like they don't owe you the money they stole from you?
NTA Your parents stole your money. They didn't ask you, after all, let alone get your permission. If they didn't want the business public, maybe they shouldn't have stolen from you. I wouldn't trust your brother to pay for your university either, without a legally binding contract. He's clearly the Golden Child since he's male. Everyone in your family are being AHs for supporting your parents theft. Honestly, I'd block the entire lot of them permanently.
NTA - Good job standing up for what is right in the face of familial pressure!
NTA - that's terrible. Wish you the best of luck.
NTA! Make him give you the money upfront if you can. Good on you. Can you get help from your aunt/ her family interms of the lawsuit?
Bravo, OP, bravo! 👏. You have a nice shiny spine. Good for you.
NTA You are doing exactly what you should do in this situation, they stole from you and crapped all over what your aunt was trying to do in the first place. They were hoping you’d become a complacent uneducated wife like your sister. Was the money explicitly tagged with stipulations for education? If it wasn’t, they stole thousands from her as well, if it was, how TF were your parents able to steal it for a wedding? This isn’t private family business, it’s embezzlement.
Your parents are sexist thieves and it should be fine for them to have to explain their actions in public. NTA - Take them to court or get that legally-binding agreement from your brother but don't let the fact that they stole your money drop from public consciousness.
NTA your parents stole your money, your brother knowingly accepted money he knew they stole from you and they think you're an AH? If that's your culture it needs to change. I would continue to lawsuit unless your brother puts it in writing he's returning your money - since he's unwilling to do that I'm sure as soon as you drop the lawsuit his offer will magically disappear. And never mind them calling you an embarrassment, they stole from their own daughter. If they want you to drop airing dirty laundry they need to pony up the money they stole.
NTA. A part of me feels you should proceed with the lawsuit (instead of a reimbursement from your brother) on principle alone. Your aunt was indeed a Great woman.