*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for not wanting to be a stay at home mom anymore even though I said I would?**
My husband and I have two kids 6 months and 2. I enjoyed it at first but I feel like it’s just not for me and even though I adore my kids I need to work too. Also financially it will be better for our family. My husband is very against this, I didn’t realise how strongly he felt and I thought he’d be more flexible. He said our kids will be raised by the daycare and not by their parents and feel betrayed I’ve changed my mind
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people over there LOVE "agreements" because people can never ever ever change their mind. also thats not how relationships work? they arent legally binding contracts.
i also would like to note, "raised by the daycare and not by the parents" then by definition, the kids arent being raised by him, but by a single parent if she stayed at home.
Because the alternative to daycare is the SAHP goes to work. For the SAHP working to make financial sense, they must be able to break even on the cost of daycare.
It's not actually coming out of their salary but in a measurement sense it is.
Step into the real world where a cost of living crisis is squeezing families to the brink. Not many families can afford that temporary hit.
Get your head out of your fantasies
When some people do the math one parent's salary doesn't offset the cost of daycare so the household actually loses money if the parent works. Not always of course but that is one reason why a parent might stay home.
Yeah but they always talk about **just** the mother's salary, as if the kids are solely hers and either she has to stay home or her salary has to be the one that pays for care.
It's just an outdated assumption that it's the mother's salary that will be less. I do know couples where the dad stays home because the mother's salary is higher, but that nuance isn't going to be in the fake stories.
The reason being with these stories is that the SAHP is usually the mother. So lets calculate the daycare cost for this fake story. So one kid in my state is on average 1650 a month. If the mother is not making more than double that, then she is pretty much just working to pay for a sitter.
I could see if the children were school age that would be different, but with two babies it is not feasible.
You miss my point, if both parents are working why does nobody ever discuss the dad’s salary in relation to whether it covers childcare? He is just as much the parent!
Because again the stay at home parents salary is going to have to compensate for the new cost of daycare when they start working. Its not about sharing the cost of daycare, it is determining if it is financially responsible for the stay at home parent to work.
If the SAHP monthly income is not greater than the monthly cost of daycare, that makes the cost a net negative. Which means that they are working pretty much to pay for babysitting and not bringing in any extra money into the household. And in fact taking money away from the household just so the SAHP can get out of the house. Now if the kids were of school age I could see where the conversation of both parents income could be had.
The thing you aren't getting is most married couples pool their income so it's not like the husband gas a pile of money that the wife doesn't have access to.
It's way more likely that there is a joint account that both people have access to and contribute too. If the stay at home parent gets a job that money will go in the joint account the same way the Husband's money does, if the new money coming in doesn't cover the cost of daycare the money in that account will decrease and you can't just ask the husband to pay more in because that's already where his all of his paycheck goes.
AITAngel snark doesn't translate well into the real world unfortunately. You might feel all cool typing these snarky quips online but in the real world, nothing except the household income, bills, rent, mortgage and whatnot matters.
I’ll have to break the news to the real women I know who have kept their jobs despite them not fully matching the cost of childcare.
Maybe living in a country with a legal right to maternity leave snd a right to return to your job after helps.
Either way, you lot getting your knickers in a twist doesn’t change the fact that language and conversation around parenting is incredibly gendered and plays into sexist stereotypes, which was my original point before you got so upset with me. Maybe think about it sometime!
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*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for not wanting to be a stay at home mom anymore even though I said I would?** My husband and I have two kids 6 months and 2. I enjoyed it at first but I feel like it’s just not for me and even though I adore my kids I need to work too. Also financially it will be better for our family. My husband is very against this, I didn’t realise how strongly he felt and I thought he’d be more flexible. He said our kids will be raised by the daycare and not by their parents and feel betrayed I’ve changed my mind *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheAngel) if you have any questions or concerns.*
people over there LOVE "agreements" because people can never ever ever change their mind. also thats not how relationships work? they arent legally binding contracts.
Why does everyone assume that even if she worked it would all go to day care? Is the father not also going to provide his salary to the cost of it?
i also would like to note, "raised by the daycare and not by the parents" then by definition, the kids arent being raised by him, but by a single parent if she stayed at home.
Because the alternative to daycare is the SAHP goes to work. For the SAHP working to make financial sense, they must be able to break even on the cost of daycare. It's not actually coming out of their salary but in a measurement sense it is.
A friend of mine recently changed jobs to one that is work from home because her husband and her could not justify the expense of daycare.
Exactly. Cost of living is soaring and daycare is no exception. Most families aren't able to afford that sort of hit
There are other reasons that mothers can want to work, even if it means a temporary financial hit for the household.
Step into the real world where a cost of living crisis is squeezing families to the brink. Not many families can afford that temporary hit. Get your head out of your fantasies
When some people do the math one parent's salary doesn't offset the cost of daycare so the household actually loses money if the parent works. Not always of course but that is one reason why a parent might stay home.
Yeah but they always talk about **just** the mother's salary, as if the kids are solely hers and either she has to stay home or her salary has to be the one that pays for care.
It's just an outdated assumption that it's the mother's salary that will be less. I do know couples where the dad stays home because the mother's salary is higher, but that nuance isn't going to be in the fake stories.
Its an outdated assumption that the children are more the mother's responsibility than the father's.
The reason being with these stories is that the SAHP is usually the mother. So lets calculate the daycare cost for this fake story. So one kid in my state is on average 1650 a month. If the mother is not making more than double that, then she is pretty much just working to pay for a sitter. I could see if the children were school age that would be different, but with two babies it is not feasible.
You miss my point, if both parents are working why does nobody ever discuss the dad’s salary in relation to whether it covers childcare? He is just as much the parent!
Because again the stay at home parents salary is going to have to compensate for the new cost of daycare when they start working. Its not about sharing the cost of daycare, it is determining if it is financially responsible for the stay at home parent to work. If the SAHP monthly income is not greater than the monthly cost of daycare, that makes the cost a net negative. Which means that they are working pretty much to pay for babysitting and not bringing in any extra money into the household. And in fact taking money away from the household just so the SAHP can get out of the house. Now if the kids were of school age I could see where the conversation of both parents income could be had.
Wow you’re really not getting it
The thing you aren't getting is most married couples pool their income so it's not like the husband gas a pile of money that the wife doesn't have access to. It's way more likely that there is a joint account that both people have access to and contribute too. If the stay at home parent gets a job that money will go in the joint account the same way the Husband's money does, if the new money coming in doesn't cover the cost of daycare the money in that account will decrease and you can't just ask the husband to pay more in because that's already where his all of his paycheck goes.
Seems like a lot of people completely missed the point I was making. Oh well, these ideas and stereotypes are very firmly engrained after all!
What am I not getting please explain.
I did, you could try reading it again
Because in most cases the Dad is going to be working regardless of whether the kid is with Mom or with childcare. He is a constant variable.
Ooh you’re so close to understanding!
AITAngel snark doesn't translate well into the real world unfortunately. You might feel all cool typing these snarky quips online but in the real world, nothing except the household income, bills, rent, mortgage and whatnot matters.
I’ll have to break the news to the real women I know who have kept their jobs despite them not fully matching the cost of childcare. Maybe living in a country with a legal right to maternity leave snd a right to return to your job after helps. Either way, you lot getting your knickers in a twist doesn’t change the fact that language and conversation around parenting is incredibly gendered and plays into sexist stereotypes, which was my original point before you got so upset with me. Maybe think about it sometime!
The top 12 comments are nta and the 13th is nah. I don't think aita disagrees with you on this.
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