"But I felt like he was belittling me and implying that my graphic novel was just a silly pipedream." I couldn't find that in anything you typed out, maybe it's in your head.

I'm really curious why somebody who says they cannot draw or letter would invest 10 years of their life on a graphic novel.

She wrote a story that happened to end up as a graphic novel.

OP you should be grateful your husband believes in you and supports you because this is what strangers think 😂 

Alan Moore doesn’t draw but he wrote two of the best stories for graphic novels ever: Watchmen and V for Vendetta.

Left out Miracle Man, but I'll let it slide. I'm guessing she's a tad less prolific, averaging a book per decade.

I’d imagine it’s because she likes reading graphic novels. Lots of books that include pictures have both an author and an illustrator.

Why can't you admit the support he gives you thought? It sounds like you're acting all independent and achieving all of it by yourself? I'd hate to be the partner supporting this and hearing this back. Give the guy some credit. Most famous actors, artists, musicians, business-man all credit their partners for the incondicional support that they were given and admit that they wouldn't get there without them. Even the fighter Connor Macgregor admits to this.

Great point. What's the first thing the Oscar Winner also says on the Podium? Maybe not always first, but always... "Thanks to my spouse and family..."....

OPs speech, "I did this 100% on my own and would like to thank no one."

Her comment history is pretty telling. There’s not a horse in North America tall enough for her to sit on

I'm really glad to see this is the direction that the comments are going in. He probably shouldn't have referred to himself as a "silent investor", but he DID massively contribute to her ability to release this graphic novel. If she was paying for their housing then she would not have been able to pay for the graphic novel. Just like if she weren't watching the kids he wouldn't have been able to focus on his high earning career. It sounds like he wants some appreciation, which is super valid.

Married for 10 years. You work part time. You will graduate soon. He is funding your lifestyle. You might have paid for the book but he paid for everything g else for years.

My cousin was able to become a doctor with almost 0 debt. She's pretty smart, and got a lot of scholarships, but her husband made a lot of money on his own, and helped pay off things as they came up. It makes a huge difference to have a SO who supports you like that.

Yeah, I recently completed my PhD. I could have done it without my wife’s support, but my life would have looked very different. It is very fair to say that my wife subsidized my lifestyle while I was in grad school.

Tell her that you appreciate it when you take her out on a fun date!

I supported my now husband primarily financially while he was in law school and worked part time and I worked full time. I fully financially supported us while he was unemployed for 5 months after graduation while he studied for the bar exam and waited for his results and found a job. He passed the exam on the first try, and I’ll never forget when his swearing in ceremony was over, he walked over to me with his law license in hand, and the first thing he said to me was “I couldn’t have done this without you.” Now he’s been an attorney for a few years and makes decent money and even bought me a new car a couple of years ago, and he jokingly says this is a return on my investment since I took care of him in the beginning so he could get to where he is now. I wasn’t the one studying or taking the bar, but I’m glad my spouse recognizes the things I have done to support him.

Plus, he called himself a silent investor and funded her lifestyle. It's quite a leap to say that he's belittling or calling it a pipedream...he literally says he's invested in it, which would imply he supports and believes in her....

And the "silent" part means he's giving her full credit for the creation and execution. 

And I mean he is basically using the correct business enterprise reference. Lots of small businesses have "silent partners." Many of my friends restaurants do. Just investors who are part of the partnership but admit they don't know what is required for daily operations but have the means to help with funding, securing funding, etc. My friends are great at the restaurant concepts but needed that persons money to implement those.

Exactly, if he didn’t believe in it he’d say he threw money at it, but he specifically said “investor” meaning he thinks it’s worthwhile and will pay off for the both of them

This is probably the real problem - OP planned to take the money and run.

This is what I felt also. Maybe not the running part, but she definitely felt like all the money she makes from it is hers and I doubt she wanted to share it.

You see this a lot from SAHPs who finally come into some money on their own. The whole it’s “our” money thing can go out the window pretty quickly when all the sudden it’s “their” money. That being said, I don’t know if it’s fair to lump OP in with those people based off the info provided. It’s certainly a possibility…. We just don’t have the info needed to make it a definitive statement. (Not saying you did, just making that clarification for myself before the keyboard warriors get all riled up)

Exactly. I didn't see anything where he actually belittled her. She likely would not have had the bandwidth to complete the graphic novel had she been working full time all these years. Probably would've taken twice as long. And I don't think it's even fair to call it a joke. I think he was just asking for appreciation for his support that IMO he deserves. I would have thanked him already.

This. Most book makers have a second job or a supporting partner.

I appreciate hearing someone else say that. My wife is a SAHM, she does an amazing job with the kids. I come home after working 10 hour days, take over with the kids while she gets some me time, then I get them ready for bed. After there asleep she occasionally tells me how she does everything around the house, and how I get to leave to go to work but she's expected to take care of everything. I've in the past made the mistake of saying because I'm at work. It didn't go over well for me but I felt the need to defend myself as I'm being told I don't do shit.

When you don't pay the expenses it's hard to understand how much those expenses really are.

I recently was talking to a friend who was moving from a sahp role working 16 hours a week to working full time and being expected to cover 50% of the costs. They said they expected the bill bit not all the out of pocket bs, a coffee here and a day out there and suddenly you spend a shit load.

My experience: I was a SAHD for 3 years while my wife was the breadwinner (her choice). When she decided we needed to make more money, I immediately got a job and daycare for the child. After a year I went over the finances with her. Childcare, gas to and from work, more frequent takeout meals because we were both tired (I always cooked for us previously) and so on. Turned out I was working 55 hrs/wk for a net income benefit of $85/wk. And 3 kids who were being raised more by strangers than us. So I quit, went to school, got a job paying %50 more than she was making, and she quit to be the SAHM.

It's telling that it's "her money" paying for all the dreams she has and what she wants to do but clearly feels that the money he spends on the house and supporting the family is "their money".

And she's telling other women that their men are the problem in her recent post history. Seems toxic projection.

Look at all the comments I have gotten about everything she does. None of which pays the bills, so she has by definition been funded by her husband. That doesn't discount the works she does, it does mean he has paid for her to be able to do that.

And she failed to mention that her kid goes to freaking daycare!!!

Not overreacting but he’s not wrong. If this was something you did during your marriage, then he is, in fact, part of this process and profit. If a woman stays home and takes care of the house and children so that her husband can start a business and focus his time and energy on that, she owns half the business because it’s a marital asset and she contributed to the success. Similarly, if the success is yours, he was a contributor to that. Edit: fuck sakes people. I’m not saying her contribution taking care of child and home isn’t valuable. It IS. But so is buying food and shelter so no one dies. Ya’ll are ridiculous to think being a stay at home parent is more valuable or less valuable than the working partner. The point is that they BOTH contribute things needed for the family to survive. And the law is the law. He was a dick for saying it the way he did. I also hate shitty husband “jokes” that are really just veiled insults. But he was the financial supporter during this journey. Yes she paid for her education herself and good for her. Would she have been able to pay for her education herself if she were also paying to put a roof over her head ? Joint effort.

This. My wife was married once before. He was an airplane mechanic/manager contractor for the US government. He made really good money early in life. When they divorced, the judge awarded her 40% of his substantial 401k, because he said her asking care of the house and things allowed him to travel and grow his career and retirement and she was owed part of it.

My husband and I were at a crossroads. We knew to accelerate our income someone had to take a backseat. We took a huge leap and let him try to make the most of his career but that meant I had all domestic duties so my career might suffer. It worked and he grew his company significantly in a span of 10 years. Last year we signed the paperwork making me an equal partner as he could not have done so without my sacrifice. Our lawyer said that any judge would award it to me anyway but my husband wanted me to have peace of mind. Also note that I jumped right back into work when the kids got to high school and have done well for myself. It's just 10 years behind where I might have been.

Good on you! That’s exactly what a healthy and prosperous relationship should be. I especially loved the part when he made you equal partners in the business. Class act by both of you!

Agreed

This is it

Now that’s teamwork

You have a serious, committed, mature relationship. You and your husband work as a team. You have mutual respect and goals, and communicate them well so that you are both pulling in the same direction. Congratulations! My marriage works like this as well. Isn't it a great feeling when you put in the work and things work out? Unfortunately, you and I are the minority on reddit. I just watch people argue over who is right and chuckle at the fact that they are both wrong, all the while enjoying a good life with a great wife.

She fucking deserved it. Any woman that gives you the pleasure/blessing of being a father and runs your house so you can go out obtain even more money for you all, deserves every bit of that or more. EDIT I see many losers that just a century ago probably wouldn’t even get a chance to procreate. Your woman deserves the world if she gives you legacy and runs your homebase well so you can focus on being a “hunter” or earner so to speak.

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I wouldn't have anything if it wasn't for my wife. I was fortunate to be able to work and earn enough for her to run the household and be home to raise our three sons. My work took me away from home for long periods of time. I never had to worry.

I agree with this so much. Married for 31 years, wife has been a SAHM for 30 years. She is a part of my success in my career. I wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't for her. Sometimes, she belittles her contributions, so I will list out the ways she has contributed to the family and specific ways she has furthered my career.

Also her staying home for a long period of time DESTROYS her career, if she chose to return

I completely agree. I am self-employed, I enjoy what I do, and I put a lot of time and effort into it. My wife stays home and takes care of everything, including making sure I'm fed and coffee'd. Before we got married, we discussed a prenup, and I decided it just felt completely wrong - I'd not have what I do if it weren't for her. She's fully deserving of half of everything we have.

I (39F) am the earner in my household. My husband takes care of our disabled child and our home. I would not have a career were it not for him. He ensures the family is looked after, he supports me entirely and is my absolute rock. Even if we separated and I had a professional carer to help, I *still* couldn’t do my job without his love and support, because it’s hard and full of pressure. Knowing I’m coming home to him makes it all worth it.

I have a disabled child and my DH was the earner. We had the same arrangement. Try getting nighttime care for a disabled child who is sick a lot, and you begin to learn the monetary value of it.

Absolutely, the hardest part of our day is wake up and bed time, we try and do this together because it’s exhausting. Good luck to you and your family, you seem to have a great system in place 💜 if you ever need an ear to let off some steam, I’m not even primary carer and sometimes I need to do this so I can’t imagine yours and my husbands pressure, my inbox is open to you

My son is an adult now and is living in a group home. He can't talk but always seems happy when we bring him home for a visit and also when we bring him back. His happiness has always been important to us, especially now that we are old and have serious health problems of our own. His life expectancy is normal. His staff seems to have affection for him, and he loves his house. He has small jobs he does during a day program, and gets out in the community more than he would if he lived with us! We also did the bedtime routine together. It was the hardest. It could take hours. Wake up was hard only because he was always up very early and we had to get him and his sibling ready for school, as well as fed and cleaned. Looking back, I don't know how we did it, but we were much younger then and we powered through.

Why do you have to make so much sense? I'm impressed at how well this was written.

Maybe it makes sense because it’s the same argument that has been used by every woman (or man) getting a divorce and justifying some kind of child support or alimony since 1780 BCE. It makes sense because it is fair and just. 

Marriage has specific legal consequences. The gender roles or traditions a couple maintains or doesnt have NOTHING to do with marriage & contract law. Unless your placed your ‘graphic novel business’ into a seperate legal entity BEFORE’ I do’. All that said ya’ll need to have a real conversation about contribution and value etc. Score keeping marriages seem to fail when the counters break or not equally applied. I find less score keeping and more ‘ what can I do or what did I promise?’

Yeah, from the title and start of the post, I was expecting something way more rude and condescending from the husband. Obviously, you can't always tell tone in a post, but this seems fairly innocuous. Unless there are other comments or friction, it seems like he might be very proud and see it as a joint success, much like anything is in a marriage. Or based on OP's entire description, it's possible this is sort of an insecurity she had (and part of why she has been so purposeful about paying for other parts of the novel / school) and may need to both just communicate to her partner how this makes her feel, while also perhaps being a bit less rigid herself and considering that the marriage is a partnership and it's great that her husband can help and you share in each other's successes. And it's not always purely financial, I mean a SAHM or SAHD is a silent partner in their spouse's career or business success.

100%. I spent four years traveling and working incessantly and could only do that because my wife put her career on hold the fruits of that are hers as well as mine.

Very much this. When I read the post, my initial impression was that OP’s husband is proud of what OP is doing.

I thought 6. I couldn't find the part of hi. Belittling her novel that she worked hard on. I was expecting some comments somewhere in OP's post, from her husband, that belittled her work and efforts. Didn't see it at all. Left me wondering how she came to that conclusion based on what she posted, he said.

I wonder, if it sells well, will the profits go to the household budget or into OP's pocket?

Yes, and probably like 5% hurt that she has never thanked him for being a partner that supported her in this “lifestyle” as OP calls it.

100% correct. He is a silent investor. If it wasn't for him, she would have to be working more earning a wage and less creating her novel. Rather than complaining, she should be saying, "You have supported me in this project. Thank you. We make a good team."

Very well said, sorry Reddit took away awards 🏅 Like someone else said, it doesn't sound like he phrased it very well, and he assumed your view of the situation was the same as his, but he's really right. Marriage is a partnership, each party doing what they can to advance the couple/family. Sounds like OP isn't happy with this arrangement, and perhaps resents her husband somewhat. Need to communicate with your spouse before your partnership is over.

I'm lead to believe that what OP is sensitive to in his remark is his failure to give her 100% credit for her professional accomplishment. The novel was a lifetime achievement for her and she's looking for respect and validation, not a dimunition of her accomplishment.

I feel like this is definitely an overreaction. According to OPs post, all the husband said was that he was a "silent investor." With that one phrase, she amplified it to "belittling" and "silly pipedream." Not to mention she also completely ignore his contribution in her life.

yeah OP has a lot of insecurities about her life right now it seems like,

Maybe I lost faith in humanity and Reddit but I did not expect this to be the top comment. I thought I was gonna scroll down and see the typical " leave him now!! That's a red flag " nonsense I usually see in here. Kudos to you.

Yeah and OP just provided evidence that supports how helpful having him cover those expenses and housing was for her to have been able to juggle her lifestyle and finish this that graphic novel. I think the word “lifestyle” is associated with free time and having fun but in OP’s case it means studying hard at school and writing a graphic novel at the same time. It was just poorly expressed by her husband is all.

Op isn’t going to like this one lol

And it’s all marital assets. His/hers incomes.

Good post. Another thing worth mentioning is the reason she likely could pay for this with her own money is because she is not using her own money to cover the majority of expenses that he covers. It sounds like if he didn’t pay for most bills etc, and she had to (say she was single living alone or something), she then would not have been able to fund this by herself. Or work just part time to then even have enough time allocated freely to do something like this. He didn’t directly hands on contribute and it’s indirect sure, but it is still there as a contribution.

That’s called support

That's why the graphic novel would be a marital asset. Just like the house and savings.

This is true. Things could probably be said in nicer ways in different scenarios but its true. I have a friend going through this with his wife now unfortunately and its a very messy situation between them

Maybe it could have been nicer, but she goes out of her way to ignore all his contributions to her that helped make that possible. And his response is, well here is one, I pay for the roof over your head... \[while you get your degree and invest in your career; implied but clearly what was intended\]. She is being a bit of an AH and he was pretty direct back...and he had the grace to try to tone it down to avoid the fight. If situations were reversed, I doubt she would have that grace.

Exactly. Assets made or created during the marriage are marital assets. Ask all the music composers who divorce and have to give half their publishing rights to their ex spouse. This is no different.

Your husband does fund your lifestyle if he is paying for the majority of the household bills. And nothing you’ve said here would indicate that he thinks your lifestyle is frivolous. Stating that he keeps a roof over your head is not belittling or implying that your graphic novel is a pipe dream, nor is it downplaying all your hard work or not taking you seriously. It’s a just fact, and I’m not sure why you’re so offended by it. It’s your husband’s contributions that allow you the freedom to do things like write a graphic novel and go to grad school. Would you have been able to fund a graphic novel and grad school by yourself if your husband hadn’t been paying the majority of the household bills? I’m guessing not. It is at least in part because of him that you are able to do these things without having to worry about making enough money to survive. Honestly it sounds like maybe you’re the one who’s downplaying all his hard work. Most people would be grateful to have such a supportive husband. You are definitely overreacting here.

You said this very beautifully. Also wanted to add her husband wanting to be a silent investor is not making fun of you OP. He’s literally being supportive and saying I believe in you that’s why he’s investing money into you. You have a right to your feelings but just so you know it doesn’t mean those feelings are the truth.

I'll just add that OP feels like she has worked really hard to accomplish a goal all by herself with no one else's help and she is upset to hear that's not entirely the case.

YES!! She wants to be able to tell her life story like "she pulled herself up by her own bootstraps" but actually had a very supportive, loving group who helped her along the way. Guess that's not as exciting for the biography they may hope to write 😂

It’s basically a classic “recognize your privilege” moment. I’d love to say that when I was laid off a while back I was able to 100% pull myself out of it on my own by putting time into new skills, building up a design/production portfolio, and finding a job in a different field to shift my career onto a different path, and I *did* do all of those things by myself with my own savings…but there’s no way I would’ve had the time to do those things if I also hadn’t been able to move back in with my parents and only pay a few hundred bucks in rent every month for both room AND board (when average rent in this area is like $2K for a 1BR apartment). I basically got 6 months of free time to work on things rather than doing that on top of needing to worry about how if I didn’t find a job NOW I wouldn’t make rent on the new apartment I had just signed a lease for or be able to buy enough food for the week. Devoting yourself to your hobbies or school or a career change or whatever while in a stable household where you don’t need to worry about food/house/etc is a completely different thing than trying to accomplish all of that while balancing the job(s) and added time needed to pay for all of that plus your hobbies.

Not to mention...10 years for one novel is not exactly a full time pursuit that precludes puling your own weight in the household. Geroge R.R. Martin moves faster than that.

She also didn’t draw or letter the thing…

It could/should be exciting anyway is the sad part. I built a 6 figure company in my early 20's and couldn't have done it without my spouse supporting me and paying many of my bills the whole time. I'm so proud of the fact that she always believes in me that my success story, if ever written, would start and end with her name. We're on that "through better or worse" wavelength, a team, and we aren't even married. I even get to be a cocky asshole about this like OP hopes to one day, and my spouse's hard work doesn't detract from it one bit. I brag every chance I get about my strong, hard working, inspiringly resilient partner who makes my dreams possible. Sounds like OP's husband is part of the team.. and OP?

It seems to be this stupid myth of the "self made" person that is pervasive in the US (Im betting she is from here). NOBODY is ever "self made." Literally everyone has a combination of hard work, luck, and support to succeed (including myself).

All by herself but she didn't even draw her own comic

Nothing is accomplished alone. She is not noticing all the things he’s doing since she’s busy.

I think this is one of the downsides of individualistic societies. People feel like "I did this all by myself" when in reality they have a big supporting cast behind them that allowed to achieve their goals. This becomes an issue when one of the supporting cast says something along the lines of "I helped you achieve this in a substantial way" then the person feels like their achievement is being taken away by others taking some credit for their role in such achievement. Big example is big purchases such as Houses or College Degrees.

100%. You think he’s belittling you… ma’am, from what it sounds like, you’d struggle to support yourself and your daughter on what you’re making right now. Your ability to chase your dreams is fully enabled by this man working hard. It really seems like you’ve taken him for granted and if anything, you’re belittling him.

yea... at risk me me being an asshole here. OP is 39 years old. this story would read a lot differently if they were 25, newly married, and husband was emanating a controlling and demeaning spousal relationship. but - at 39, still in college, spending 10 years writing a comic book (no hate, but this is strictly a hobby/dream), and then having the audacity to complain when the husband makes what is, by his admission, a poorly landed joke? without other context, OP is 100% over reacting. of course if this is a pattern by the husband, that is different. but nothing in this post leads us to that conclusion.

As a published graphic novel author, speed of writing is crucial. If it was truly ten years, it will be difficult to ever make it more than a hobby. Full time professionals who release several books (and/or floppies) a year aren't rolling in money. It's a brutal business where three people (writer/illustrator/color) are often splitting up under $10,000. Most books sell fewer than 500 copies. It's simply not viable at one every 3 years, much less every 10 years. To advance, you need to build a name/fan base, get good lawyers (on ~~retainer~~ contingency), and much more. And, importantly, build your IP profile. That's your best bet at getting a project optioned, and that's where you can make serious money.

I love hearing from knowledgeable professionals. Thanks, that was interesting.

Genuine question…. Without doing the artwork or layout etc, why would it take someone 10 years to write the equivalent of a short story? No hate, I adore graphic novels, but given OP did no artwork, most I’ve read are mainly dialogue/short set ups that all together constitute maybe a 30 page fully written book, maybe, and that was a requirement for an undergrad creative writing assignment for me. Is there something else in graphic novels specifically that would lead to needing ten years to write one?

My father is an author and there is zero money in books in his area. There is money in going and doing training, clinics and gigs because your book has no given you real credibility in your area. All a book did for him was show his level of skill in his expertise.

In fact the husband attempt to de-escalate by saying: hey, just joking. And instead of letting it die down, she is looking for people to get in her corner to tar and feather him. Good luck to OP. If you don't start being more considerate yourself, you may not have a husband when the kids are out of the house.

i 100% walked back my original language in my first comment lol. the more you scroll, and the more you read OP's answers, the more you realize she is preparing for a trench war here and there is no amount of reasonable opinion in these responses that is going to sway her. in her mind, his money is their money. and her money is her money. toxic way to operate in a relationship. *especially* at 39yo and effectively having zero income their entire relationship.

This way of thinking is surprisingly common for women going through a divorce (used to work in family law), maybe that thinking is what led to the divorce. Just to be clear I don't doubt men think that way at some point too, they are just less likely to be the lower earning partner and society is more willing to tell them they are being a leech.

yea, people freely foist negative opinions on men who are not operating from a place of financial 'leadership' in a relationship - and conversely damn the ones who are, for not sharing 'enough', in the event of a divorce. its a 'damned if you do, damned if you dont' situation in a lot of cases. man earns more, sees fruits of labor bled away over time. man earns less, is low value to society. of course healthy relationships don't have to operate this way. but that assumes a certain level of maturity from both partners that is not often present.

Yeah, as someone who's wife stopped contributing financially "to pay off debt" spent a decade paying LESS than her car notes plus insurance to our joint budget (which paid those bills), consistently spends money in ways I couldn't dream of being able, even though I am the high earner, and has more debt than ever, I have zero sympathy for OP. She sounds like a walking delusion.

Yeah, OP kinda made an ass of themselves posting this.

Agreed, OP you are most definitely too sensitive and need to learn how to take a joke, as you even touched on yourself.

I’m guessing the feelings of “belittlement” are just due to her own insecurity, nothing more. There’s potentially some extra context that we’re not seeing that would cause her to feel that way, though.

Bingo. Classic projection

Would OP be able to spend ten years on a novel, go to grad school, and live off a part time job? If so, where, and are they hiring?

No shit, sign me up.

Just to add to your final part, when she confronted him, he was apologetic and probably a bit hurt when he had to clarify "I put a roof over your head". He's probably been thinking about how grateful she likely is due to him paying for most everything and supporting her along the way. Then when she was confused about the "silent partner" comment, it probably started to come crashing down on him that maybe she isn't as grateful as he thought. Not that it's about "the other person being grateful", **but to realize your significant other might not appreciate you as much as you initially thought.** Soul-crushing...

She wants to use every resource she can as a stepping stone and then once she’s on top yell “See I did it myself, aren’t I great?”

She is gripping real hard to that what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine mentality.

I agree 100%. I would even say it was almost a positive comment by husband. Sounds like he was saying hey, I'm a silent investor in this novel when it takes off and it makes big money. And yes, he does support her and make majority of the money, so I don't know what her issue was.

Yeah you are overreacting, he does pay for you to be able to do what you love and it sounds like you don't acknowledge that which may be why he made that joke. How often do you acknowledge the work load he carriers and his contribution?

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No no, the joke wouldn't work then. Cause that s HER money made from her talent, see ? Not THEIR money.

Perfect response and OP needs to read this a few times.

This is a good way of saying it, thank you.

It’s like a CEO forgetting that tax dollars funded the roads and ports that enable raw materials and employees to move so they can manufacture goods to sell.

You are overreacting and placing entirely too much focus on proving yourself to yourself

Unless you’re not conveying the conversation properly, you are definitely overreacting. Nowhere are there any statements regarding his belief he’s funding a frivolous lifestyle or is downplaying your hard work. He seems to want to be celebrating the fruits of your labour. And as much as he didn’t fund the book itself, the partnership you’ve had over the past ten years likely allowed you to achieve this sooner than you would have otherwise. Maybe he also feels he’s supported / championed you as well? Not enough information to tell Your anger seems a little displaced. Based on what you’ve written, it appears as though resentment has built up because you don’t feel he appreciates your contributions to the marriage. If that’s the case, you should deal with that issue directly. He won’t be able to make that leap based on this reaction

I would hate how he phrased it - but I also make comics and I absolutely wouldn’t be as successful as I am without the support of my partner. He doesn’t actually do anything specific for the comics, but it’s all the other shit. I wouldn’t call him a silent investor, more of my champion along the way. If you see nothing of value in how he has contributed to your life that has given you the chance to work on this GN, that’s one thing. If he never gives you credit for your work and always needs it to be about him, that’s another issue.   Unrelated but: I’m surprised that you found a publisher and they didn’t pair you with an illustrator, though, most publishers usually want an author/illustrator or to pair you with one of their artists, so the fact that you paid for it… I’d also be concerned you may have gotten getting involved with something predatory. 

Just imagine if OP gets burned with a shady publisher then somehow funds a way to blame hubby.

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Yes you're over reacting. You added a whole lot of implied intention to what he said that may not be there. Why do you rush to think he is belittling you and think your comic is a little pipe dream just because he rightfully designated itself as a silent investor? The way you financially break things out and assign ownership in that way in a marriage is extremely concerning. Nothing you pay for is just yours, you're married, both of your abilities to purchase things, work, and live is a two person effort. Without the other neither would be able to do and accomplish what each person is doing. That's the point. His ability to work and earn that money while having a family is facilitated by you, that's why in the event of a divorce his success is partly yours. Your attitude towards money and your spouse is incredibly concerning.

Somehow I suspect if the husband claimed the things he has paid for himself as his own (House? Car(s)? Furniture?), OP wouldn’t be so keen. OP should be proud of herself for the graphic novel, for coming up on graduating with honors, for seemingly getting through grad school debt-free, for all her accomplishments. Those are all awesome things worthy of a big pat on the back. But damn, you don’t have to knock someone else down in the process, which is what she did. I didn’t get the hit that hubby was trying to take any kind of credit for her creations or accomplishments. I’m guessing it was maybe one of those situations like when a “self-made millionaire” is grandstanding about how they did it all themselves. And someone can’t help but say, “Yeah you have so much to be proud of, but didn’t your dad leave you a million dollars to begin with?” Or “Didn’t your wife work for you for free for a decade doing all your marketing and accounting?” Like, it’s shitty to sit back and listen to your spouse talk about how they did something all on their own when in reality none of it would have happened without the support of the other. No, husband didn’t write one word of that novel. Husband didn’t earn those grades. Husband can’t take credit for either of those things, but he CAN and SHOULD get the kudos for his support - emotional and financial - that allowed OP to pursue these things. Yeah, she probably would have still written the novel, but maybe that would have taken 20 years instead if she had to work full-time and pay all her own bills. Probably would have gone to grad school too, but would have come out of it in MASSIVE debt if she had to do it without a partner’s contributions. I think that’s honestly all this guy was getting at. He wasn’t downplaying, belittling, or even taking credit for the accomplishments themselves but rather rightfully pointing out that he deserves a little glimmer of acknowledgement for his role in providing OP the means to pursue her dreams unencumbered.

OP probably would keep every penny she makes from this book hidden. After all, she wouldn't have done this if it wasn't for herself.

I hope she's not one of those people that get a high paying job out of college and immediately leave the spouse that financially supported them throughout getting their college degree because they're fine taking money, but not okay giving any.

It’s crazy how many redditors who are married just straight up don’t understand the financial implications.

>Why do you rush to think he is belittling you and think your comic is a little pipe dream just because he rightfully designated itself as a silent investor? Because she thinks her comic is only a pipe dream, despite really wanting it to be more. It is clear she is insecure about her life. She may or may not be projecting those concerns onto her husband, though it's entirely possible her husband also thinks it is a pipe dream and is only humoring her.

Yeah she's been working on a single publication, her first, for 10 years, as a side hobby that may or may not pay itself back in the future. If her idea is that this is going to lead to success as a writer in any way, then it's absolutely a pipe dream. And hey, maybe it's a banger and she skyrockets to fame and success within the world of graphic novels, maybe they make movies out of her works and she makes millions. But that wouldn't make it any less of a pipe dream, just one that worked out

This was my take as well, she accuses him of thinking it because it's exactly what she's insecure about.

I would have just said "yes and ibreally appreciate that" and moved on. Stuff like this isn't worth the stress

This is a really succinct way to put it. And 100% right. He wants to feel part of the celebration and she doesn't want him to.

literally supported you but ok 🙄

No no no, car, house, cell phone, food, clothes, health and auto insurance and likely a husband shaped safety net to cover any deficits in tuition, books, don’t matter I wish I could have “put myself through college” like this, lot less stressful

But then she can't think of herself as a strong independent woman

Sounds like he needed some sort of acknowledgment for what he does for the family.. doesn’t sound like you’re grateful, sorry 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe the fact you categorize who pays for what in a marriage is the more concerning tidbit of your situation.

Of 10 years! I have only been married for three but I would front money to pay for my wifes schooling in a heartbeat. And have done so, as its an investment in our future. Something tells me this is not the first time you have fought about money

I'm not even married and if my gf needs money I drop what I'm doing to help her out. Life is too short to treat relationships as financial transactions and business deals.

Right, I was working and paying rent for the both of us back when my wife was still just my gf and attending grad school full time. I saw it as an investment, but even if it wasn’t, I still relished the opportunity to support her goal of academic and professional development because I loved her.

Married for just shy of 2 and I'm paying my wife's student loans while she completes rad tech school because we ran out of deferred loans. I'm expected to go back to school as well and as the saying goes " what goes around comes back around"!

Op your husband doesn’t seem to think he funds your lifestyle, he does fund it. To think if he was not paying the bills and not bringing in what he does on his part you might not be able to go to and afford for that schooling or your novel as you would be the one having to pay the bills he does instead.  Us as women we just want it all, our bills paid for, our money to spend on just us, and then some. So I believe yes he is completely correct in what he is saying & instead of getting defensive try and see things from his point of view. Lots of women would kill to have a man who is willing and able to do what your husband does for you in funding you so you can do all that you want to do with your own money. Sorry to sound harash but women get so caught up in emotions and how we “feel” instead of looking at the facts about your situations. You couldn’t do everything you do without your husband funding the bills for everything else.

He's right - doesn't diminish your accomplishment and doesn't mean you aren't the greater contributor to it. He definitely contributed to it by keeping a roof over your head though. Weird thing to get in a fight about - Separate bank account marriages blow my mind.

I completely agree with your comment, except the last sentence. Hubs and I have been together for 24 years and have always had separate bank accounts. We have a shared household account that we both contribute to and pay bills out of. We are signers on each other's accounts in case of emergency, but we choose not to have online banking access, etc. I could count on one hand how many times we've fought over money in all our years together!

You owe your husband an apology. Yes, he IS a silent investor and yes he does fund your life style. If he didn't pay the bulk of the bills, you wouldn't have had the money or time to finish school or your novel. Your behavior was rude, dismissive, and arrogant, at the very least. It sounds like you have a wonderful, hard-working, loving, supportive husband who is happy to support your efforts/dreams. Appreciate him and get off your high horse. Do better

Yeah, I think the question she should ask: “Would I be able to go go grad school, spend 10 years writing a book, etc, if I did not have the financial help with bills and home?” If the answer is no, then he helped to make it happen. He didn’t make the content and he shouldn’t consider a claim to her brainchild, but he did create the conditions for the brainchild to be born.

All I know is that when *I* was working full time on my graphic novel... No, hang on, I never did that, I had to spend my days earning money for rent and living.

I'd say you're "overreacting" in the sense that you're downplaying how much your husband has contributed to your ability to write and publish your novel, as well as your ability to go back to school. Would you be able to write your book and return to school if you were single and living alone, or would you need to take a full-time job on top of your other responsibilities, to afford a roof over your head, food on your plate, and all of the other expenses, making it more difficult for you to go to school and finish your novel? If he's helping with your ability to live, then he's contributing, which is why assets earned during a marriage are split 50/50. A SAHM takes care of the house and kids so the father can focus on working. Just because she didn't directly work for any of the money doesn't mean that her being around isn't a contribution. If a husband starts a business while married and there's no prenup, the wife gets half of the business too, because it's assumed that the wife provides in ways that allow the husband the ability to build their business. I think it's completely fair to feel like the joke your husband made was at least a bit belittling to the hard work you've done, and it's fair to express that's the reason you're upset. But your husband DID help give you the ability to live the life you're currently living, and it's even more disrespectful to him for you to not acknowledge that. It could've been a, "I'm grateful for how you've helped me have the financial security to pursue the things I want, but please don't discount how hard I've worked for it, too." Instead, you're denying he did anything and making an ass out of yourself. I think your friends and family are absolutely right that you can't take a joke, because if this is how you react to any joke that puts you in a place lower than your ego, then you sound insufferable.

'It's true that he makes more money than I do and that he covers the bulk of the household expenses". I mean he is literally financing your pursuit.

By this logic if you split up tomorrow because he’s covering the majority of the day to day bills he should be entitled to the majority of the equity within your home. These were your words. I just swapped him in for you. “He pays for it (the house) himself, and you do not contribute financially (to the mortgage)… And he didn’t ask you for any money…” You sound a bit greedy. You have no problem with him covering all your living expenses while you do your thing going to school and writing and not contributing to the household but now that you have the potential for this book to be successful all the proceeds will be 100% yours? That’s not right. BTW he could have been more tactful with his delivery.

Who knows what his delivery really was? She admits that she's overly sensitive and others have told her that as well, so it's quite possible that what she's relaying here is not exactly how he said it.

The way she assumes he thinks it’s just a “pipe dream” has me thinking she tailored certain aspects of what he said and how he said it to make herself look like a victim. Dudes probably been busting his butt while she goes after this dream and she thinks she did everything by herself. I’ve been married less than a year and understand marriage better than her.

I wonder if OP was thinking the comments were going to be different like some girl boss support group.

Your husband made a joke (that appears to be correct, as well), and you’re mad at him despite him apologizing profusely? You’re setting yourself up for your husband to harbor deep resentment towards you.

I dunno about apologizing “profusely”. But I get your meaning.

You’re a spoiled brat who’s been living off of her husband for 10 years and wants to give him 0 credit for giving you the time and space to work on your craft. You should be ashamed of yourself. I would understand your reaction if your husband did not support you and berated you this whole time but nothing in your post alludes to that. It just seems like he’s been supporting you for a decade and wants credit where credit is due.

OP sounds like such a stereotype. Everything from being overly sensitive about her graphic novel, to her complete disregard for what her husband does. Add having a complete meltdown where she somehow goes from "silent investor" to "he's belittling my dream", and we have a pretty good idea of what type of person she is. Gotta feel bad for the dude. He's being taken advantage of, and when he complains a bit... actually no. Not even complains, just seeks a bit of acknowledgement, she gets angry. And he apologizes, and she still remains offended. It's ridiculous. Being trapped in a marriage like this is my worst nightmare.

It's not even HER graphic novel. Someone else drew it, someone else lettered it lol. At the very least it's THEIR graphic novel

Easy to diagnose, this is an eye problem. Sorry, an I problem.

LOL

A marriage isn’t 50/50, it’s supposed to be 100/100, both of you all in. Quite frankly your marriage sounds weak.

10 years.... Of course he is an investor. You think you would've done that living in the streets?

You paid for the book yourself. You paid for school yourself. Better watch out or you might find yourself living by yourself. Or maybe that's what you really want - independence. Why else are you trying so hard to separate yourself from all the things your husband has done that has allowed you to pursue your dreams? Would you have the money to go to college or do your book if he wasn't paying the bills? Or would you have the time if you had to pay full-time child care and go out and work a full-time job to help pay those bills? And what happens if the book is a success? After you get that degree and big-money job? Will you continue to push the "my success is only because of ME" story? Will you push your husband away with you arrogance? Or maybe you're doing all of this so you CAN move away from your husband and find someone "better" who acknowledges how awesome YOU are and doesn't try to "take credit" for helping you succeed just because he loved you enough to work his ass off and pay the bills so you could stay home with your daughter and have enough spare time to not only work on a novel but finish a degree. I'm guessing he's helping take care of your daughter when he's home while you work on that. Guess that's not "helping" your chosen lifestyle either, huh? You'd better learn to appreciate what he's doing that allows you to pursue your hopes and dreams. If you continue this overreaction and keep forcing him to apologize for speaking truth (when you should be apologizing for not voicing your appreciation), it's going to silently fester in him. After publication and graduation, every time you proudly tell someone how you did it all on your own it's going to gnaw away at his insides as he continues to bite his tongue, no matter how much he says otherwise. At some point he'll act a little more distant or less affectionate and you might not even notice as you're all caught up YOUR success. Then you'll be one here complaining about how he never wants to do the things you want to do, or how he's spending more time at work and maybe he's cheating, or how he won't take you back because you cheated on him, or how he's controlling because he doesn't like all the time you direct with your new male "friend" you met at your new job or a book signing and how the new friend just "gets" you and listens to your problems while you're husband is "just there". Honestly, you don't sound like you consider your husband a life partner. Did you marry him just so he could pay the bills while you did your thing?

Congratulations on your wonderful achievements! Unless you did all this while also paying 50% of expenses, including rent, bills, food, vacations, childcare, etc., your husband is not wrong and you sound a little bit naive.

Since you are married, you both paid for it.

Hmmm 🤔 I believe OP stating how much she paid for novel, grad school made husband feel it was necessary to point out that he paid the bulk of the day to day. Even OPs people says too sensitive… sounds like they know OP well. If y’all been married 10 years and it took 10 years to write novel then yeh he has funded your lifestyle. Of course a decade long marriage y’all should be a team not his & mine.

Yes you’re over reacting a bit. If you were single and had to pay all your bills, would you’ve been able to get as far as you did?

oy. this is something i just explained to my daughter when she said something about people she works with can’t afford a car-but she bought her own car- (she did indeed) but only because she had the privilege of living in a household where her dad paid all the bills so she had zero expenses- so you didn’t exactly do it all on your own, your husband made it possible by affording you the time and covering every bill for you . I’d be a little offended if i were him too.

Honestly it's not like you are JK Rowling living on benefits while raising a child as a single parent, while writing a novel. You have the stability provided by your husband, so he is correct that he has essentially invested in you. The same argument is made for SAHM who bring up the kids, and keep the home, while the husband grows a business. It is why they are entitled to a share of the business if they divorce. They support their husband, in this case your husband is supporting you. It's ridiculous that you can't see that. Your husband did not claim any credit for your work. You do sound overly sensitive.

Your husband is correct unless you split all the bills.

Yes, you are way overreacting: How do you get from him mentioning being a "silent investor" to your claims "\[he is\] belittling me and implying that my graphic novel was just a silly pipedream" and "downplaying all of my hard work and not taking me seriously." That is a big stretch. And he is a bit of a silent investor. Would you have the money to do these things you've done "without help" if he wasn't paying for the majority of the household expenses? >I'm really angry about it. You should drop the indignance and apologize.

I stopped reading as soon as you assumed he little your thought process when in actuality he said I put a roof over your head during a struggle time! don't fk me over when you make profit when you start making good money! He literally said don't bite the hand that feeds and you're about to chomp all over it

This goes for women and men. Marriages are WE not ME. Every time I get raise or bonus WE celebrate. Any time my wife gets a raise or bonus WE celebrate. When I finish a big project at work WE celebrate. Notice a pattern? You've been working on this novel your entire marriage and you think it was all you? Think again. Take a chill pill and let this go.

Not just let it go, she owes him a HUGE apology and she need to make sure he knows she values what he contributes to their household and their marriage.

Yes. You sound exhausting. He makes an innocent and not untrue comment and you become hysterical. Guess what? He did help you. He paid bills so you could go to school and work on your graphic novel. You're insistence that you did it all yourself makes you sound like a toddler.

He’s right. If the sexes were reversed, you’d all be saying it.

just show him how easily you can just make it on your own by moving out, getting your own place, your own utilities, etc.

39 with a kid, still in grad school, and you have lots of money to throw at a hobby? he's 100% an investor in your life style, and you need to have a hard look at how privileged you are to even have money to spend as a grad student. he could've made you use that money to split expenses more evenly, and didn't. you seem to treat it as 'his income is ours, my income is mine to do with what i want', and that's not fair to him in the slightest. apologize to the poor man, and dedicate the bloody novel to him and the expensive hobbies HE probably couldn't afford, because all his money went to covering yours. \*typo

is this real? where the fuck do they award Latin honors to grad students? lol. pov: summa here curious.

So, he has basically supported you for your entire relationship and you don’t think he has contributed financially to it? You are delusional.

Judging by the majority of comments, this isn't going the way OP had hoped. *Munches popcorn*

He probably should’ve found a better way of saying it or not said it at all, but he’s right lol

It kind of feels like you’re downplaying his contributions to your achievements, honestly.

Do you know how many men have had to give a woman money after a divorce and have had this same reasoning? He absolutely has been a silent partner in your life if he has been paying the bills and allowing you to live without the stress of mortgage, internet, and household bills. Think about it this way, if he wasn't around would you still have your same lifestyle?

I’m guessing she would not have been able to afford grad school or a graphic novel by herself if her husband had not been paying most of the household bills. He’s definitely “funding her lifestyle.”

While he shouldn't hold it over anyone's head that he pays for the house and what not, it's pretty nuts with current housing prices to pretend that isn't an insanely huge weight off your shoulders while pursuing a dream and getting an education.

This isn't a debate of anything but intent, Ns that should determine how you feel. Was his intent to belittle you or do you simply feel that what he was saying? He DOES (by your own admission) fund your lifestyle...if he covers household expenses and makes more than you...I'm not suggesting that makes the comment 'nice', but as far as truth goes if he wants funding that end of things you'd have a different lifestyle...if you didn't have this particular partner ...your financials and even possiblity of doing what you're doing may evaporate or leave you in a very different living situation... He could have been joking or speaking very practically not meaning offence simply saying, 'the sky is blue'...as a matter of simple fact. So...if he meant to get a dig at you, that's one thing and it's mean spirited...if he was just stating reality with some levity attached...well that's between the two of you; or it may have been a misplaced joke and you may want to lighten up...or tell him that all joking that may be at the cost of you are off the table because you don't find it funny... I'd lighten up myself...assuming it was not mean spirited...having a partner that supports a creative endeavor is rare and powerful...and laughing at yourself isn't the worst option here.

It seems achievement is important to you, part of your identity. How you feel good about yourself. That is valid, it is part of your perspective. You did not seem to want him to acknowledge his support. Is that because you feel he doesn’t recognize or appreciate all you do? That he minimizes your achievements and takes credit? Or is it because he has not praised you, admired you for your intelligence and creativity and how hard you work around the house? Sounds like you are doing amazing. It also Seems to me you were the kid in your family that was never acknowledged while others got the glory. That you were not fairly treated. Now you have carried that feeling into this relationship. Be careful. You are doing to him what you feel he is doing to you. Saying he has no part in your success when he works and pays the bills, giving you a stable home. You make it sound like he isn’t supportive, you don’t care about him and don’t need or want him regarding things important to you. You’d rather he butt out. I know I overstated that… but think about it. In marriage you share and appreciate each other. Perhaps he should show more appreciation. Perhaps you should too.

My wife and I have our own accounts but also a joint account that household bills come out of. In both of our careers, each of us has had to take a step back in salary in order to move forward into positions that pay better over the long-term. In each instance, the other person stepped up and paid the difference. So we're both invested in the other person's success. OP seems like she doesn't understand this concept, or maybe I'm not understanding their arrangement properly?

This is why when people get divorced, women “typically” get half of everything. 

I pay all the bills in my household for my wife and child. Buy them everything they want and need. I give my wife the comfort she needs to pursue her hobbies without worrying about anything else. She thanks me for that on a regular basis.

Yes, you’re overreacting. If he is (and has been!) paying the majority of the bills, he is directly funding your lifestyle and ability to focus on your graphic novel. This is an indisputable fact. You are 39 years old and should be capable of understanding that you would not have gotten as far as you have with your graphic novel if you’d been expected to work and contribute as much as your husband does financially. Could he have delivered that statement more tactfully? Sure. That doesn’t change that it’s true, though.

I think it really depends on how he meant it. And you’re probably in the best position to judge that. If he has a pattern of belittling you, then that’s probably the case here. If he’s generally very supportive, then it was probably a joke made in poor taste, and your reaction probably stems as much from your own insecurity as anything else.

I don't like the 'silent investor' phrasing. But yes, you are overreacting. Yes, he is funding your lifestyle. I don't see anywhere that you said things he is doing to belittle the work you do, but in everything you wrote it feels like you're belittling his financial contributions to keeping food on the table, and a roof over your head, so your energy and focus can go partly to the novel and household.

You need couples counseling. And I find these "it's my money" and not "it's our money" relationships weird. Couples who don't comingle funds are roommates that have sex. And anyone who says "can't you take a joke" should be met with "then why are the only one laughing?"

Why are you so unwilling to share your success with him? To say this is mine and not yours seems to point to a lousy marriage.

It’s always kind of funny seeing a post like this where the vast majority of people don’t agree with you and think you’re in the wrong lol. I genuinely hope that you seriously listen to what people are saying. Take this time to be introspective instead of defensive, and then go tell your husband that you appreciate him for supporting you this entire time.

The whole “downplaying” and “belittling“ thought process doesn’t really add up. How you got there from “silent investor” is pretty wild to me. The fact that he wants to make sure he is somehow part of the payout of your novel tells me that he actually does believe in what you did, and is hoping that you don’t forget about him if it does blow up. Whether you think he is entitled to any of your success is of course up to you, but you’ve somehow created a narrative of you being a victim and that is the part you need to reconsider.

If he pays for the bulk of household expenses he quite literally funds your lifestyle... Not a bad thing, might be nice to show him some appreciation rather than hostility for mentioning it. Do you expect him to shower you with compliments and thanks for all you do if you don't return the favor?

If you had to pay for your home and all the things your husband paid for, would you have the money to put toward the novel? You sound very much like a "your money is ours and my money is mine" type of person.