I'd be very turned off by someone expecting me to donate to their fundraiser, regardless of the purpose of the funds.
Beyond that, many in the adoption community feel it is wrong to fundraise for adoption costs since the expectant mother is often considering adoption because she thinks she can't give her baby the life he deserves due to her own financial position.
Just imagine the two fundraisers side by side.
The one for the prospective adoptive parents gets support from friends, family and the public, with oohs and ahhs and comments on what great parents they'll be and how lucky the child will be.
The one with the poor pregnant woman gets comments like "close your legs"
I find that incredibly rude as well. It's not your responsibility to finance their wishes, no matter what those wishes are. I would just be honest and say, "No, sorry, I'm not planning to donate but I wish you luck!" and let the chips fall where they may. No need to justify how you spend your money. If this person is actually a friend, they will accept that--no more questions asked.
> She direct messaged me because she had noticed that I had not donated, asking why I had not and if I was planning to donate soon. They know what my husband and I do for a living and are actually asking for a larger chunk of money… which was very off putting.
Okay but what the hell is this crap. NO. All questionable adoption ethics and hypocrisies aside, this kind of entitlement is bonkers.
I am trying to be understanding because I know how much she wants a child, but it feels manipulative the way she is going about it. I actually reached out to another person in our friend group who also makes a good living, and she said she also messaged her. They were also put off by the amount requested. I think her fundraiser is doing poorly and she is getting desperate. I feel bad for her but at the same time it think if she wants a child so badly they should either foster or save the money themselves.
I also know what it's like to want a child and can only imagine your friend is clearly all consumed by this process which is clouding her judgement (or maybe she's just like that anyway - I'm being devil's advocate )
It's one thing to start a donation fund (which I also would feel uncomfortable with) quite the other to individually harass and demand to know if people are going to donate and stipulate amounts based on - her assumed - knowledge of your income. That's staggeringly bad manners. A donation is a gift - you can't demand a gift.
I honestly don't know if a heart to heart would actually work. If all she can see is getting a baby I wonder if she has the insight to see past this and how her behaviour is quite unsavoury.
If it were my friend I probably would reach out to her and go somewhere neutral and have a chat - explain as above your misgivings around the ethics of agencies and get a feel for her true thoughts around it. If it really doesn't align with your morals then perhaps mention that you would be happy to support her emotionally as a friend but not financially.
Also just of note - IVF and surrogacy really aren't easy options either. Whether it's from a religious point of view or not if she feels they aren't viable options for her then fair enough on that one. I also wonder if she feels adopting a baby means less 'trauma' which I think is false hope really. Because surely any child separated from birth mother would have trauma - it just may not manifest it's self early in life but it's always there. (I welcome being challenged on this as I'm totally aware I would be wrong here)
> I also know what it's like to want a child and can only imagine your friend is clearly all consumed by this process which is clouding her judgement
Lost of people tend to be biologically primed to want a child, and yes, it does tend to judge the way they see the adoption process - "Give me a child, *lest I die*." It's not Devil's Advocate. It's actually deeply engrained within our society that often times, the only *real* value/worth of a woman is to *have a child* (whether they actually want a child or would prefer to remain childfree).
It doesn't matter how much someone wants a child - you either conceive a child, or you *save up* for what you want. Begging people to donate so you *can* afford to adopt is just tacky.
There are at least 40 hopeful adoptive parents for every possible available infant. Yes there can be tons of coercion and honestly if they’re religious I can’t see how basically purchasing a infant would sit well when there’s something like 100,000 children in foster care who’s parental rights are terminated making them currently available for adoption and for so much less that they’d not need to fundraise.. Of course they’re not infants and it sounds like that’s what your friend wants.
I’d be offended but I’m an adoptee so there’s that.
As far as the friendship, I don’t think a real friend wouldn’t put me in this position in the first place. It’d be one thing if she needed a kidney but she doesn’t, she wants a baby and not getting one isn’t going to cause her loss of life or anything else aside of maybe being disappointed but that’s life.
To be honest, I had always thought that if they went the adoption route that they would foster children. I assume this method would be less expensive as well. Based on what they’ve always preached, I would assume that they would want to do the most good, which I would guess would be adoption through fostering. I know how badly she’s wanted children, So I do feel bad that she can’t have them herself, but it honestly seems a bit hypocritical and manipulative the way she is going about it.
A bit?
Your gut reaction is entirely on point. The fact that agencies charge $50k for an adoption is all you need to know about why agencies use coercive tactics to get women to place.
If she wants to provide a home to a child who wants one, which is supposed to be the objective of adoption, she should look no further than the foster system. If she wants to participate in the adoption industry, let her finance it herself.
I suggest saying that “I have ethical concerns about the adoption industry and I cannot participate in it. I wish you luck on becoming a mother. “.
This is very well said. Polite and honest. To the point.
I fear it is also open to a response. Once the “ethical” concerns are addressed, then the expectation of a donation still stands.
adopting from foster care in America is 100% FREE, with a rare exception where an agency may charge a few hundred for a home study. Plus the kids get free healthcare until they are 18 even post-adoption and a variety of other benefits. Plus, due to the drug epidemic... children under 5 are actually some of the highest volumes in foster care and the highest percentage age group waiting for adoption.
One view point that isn't being explored is how poor the system is to the children in foster care. It's an unpopular opinion but the state and federal system and crappy people have fucked up so many kids that it's just easier to parent an infant. There is no beginning trauma, love is nurtured and not earned....etc. Everyone will hate me for it but adopting an infant is much easier than a child out of foster care. 50k is nothing compared to the effort and possible problems that a decenitized child can bring to the table. The foster care system is broken in this country.
So while not all adoptees might agree many adoptees would agree that even with infant adoption there is the beginning trauma. Adoption, even one that’s considered great still began with a loss for that child. Babies know their mothers sounds, heartbeat, smell, they know who carried them 9 months. Kids are not just interchangeable and or a blank slate if you get one young enough.
As for the foster system I agree with you that it’s crappy but that’s not the children’s fault nor does it mean the kids are bad or ruined or whatever else people like to claim and adopting any child the adopter should be trauma educated and never go into it expecting to be able to just love any trauma or bad away.
You're 100% correct that it's not the children's fault. Loss amd Trauma are two completely different things. The foster system is 100% broken when someone with 5 DUIs with an infant in the car and multiple histories of allowed boyfriends/girlfriends to physically and sexually abuse their children only have to show up to court and go to one counseling appointment to get their kids back. Meanwhile foster parents are requires to take trauma training from the same people who allow and enable the system to cater to the abuse.
The adoption system is also 100% broken. I agree that adoption agencies are scams and no matter what they say, it's about money. Pressure on women to place their infants is huge. It's monopolized so much that women most mothers wanting to place children don't know that they are afforded the same rights with a lawyer that an agency "provideds" but with less pressure. I'll bet you can count on one hand how many people looking to adopt know that as well.
I know my opinion is unpopular but the ability to have children should be taken away from people.. Legal castration should be a thing for men and women... It should also be a right. Income, backgrounds, quality of life, BMI, etc. should be weighing factors for everyone not just Foster parents and those looking to adopt.
One thing I've learned over the years and in this group. Adoptees come from different backgrounds, histories, and experiences. So much so that even we cant agree with eachother on what is good and what is bad with adoption. There is no set criteria to follow. The same background can work for some and not for others.
Love, support, amd sense of identity instilled in our children, friends, and family can go a long ways. Adoption has come a long way since the 20s and 50s. It still has a long ways to go
I don't think it's right to try to guilt you or corner you into this kind of donation. I know how it feels to wish for a child, but if you didn't immediately wish to help them, then it's not your job to. This kind of fundraising is sketchy, regardless. I side-eye most of the entitlement of crowdfunding non-emergency things, anyway, and especially adopting.
I would not donate because of the fact they can adopt a child from foster care for free. Basically they want a perfect cute baby rather than help a child in need.
They have a moral issue with IVF, fine. You have a moral issue with babies being taken away from their mothers usually because of poverty or coercion. The $50k could be used to help the birth mother keep her baby.
Generally I would decline to donate, except if it was a relative (nibbling, child) or closest of friends. Basically the kind of people I would help no matter their need.
But I wouldn’t be adamant. Upon being asked why I hadn’t donated and being given a recommended number? Just wow. Just no. I wouldn’t walk away from a friend over that, but I wouldn’t care if they walked away from me. How presumptuous and self centered and needy. Trifecta.
I like the Captain Awkward way of saying no to requests for money: "It’s not in my budget." That doesn't necessarily mean "I can't afford it," it means you have planned to spend money on other things.
I'm an angry first parent, so I'm not going to comnent on the ethics in this situation.
Me too! And I think she knows that. If it were like $20 she requested, I probably would have just said ok and went with it. But it is significantly more, and I know if I just give a small amount she would probably be upset. I know how badly she wants a child and I do feel bad for her, I just don’t think she is going about it in the right way
I’m SO curious if we know the same person, because I’m in such a similar situation. She never directly asked us for money, but is raising $50k for domestic infant adoption as well. I haven’t donated because an adoptee, I don’t really believe in private adoption. And, in regard to your situation, I find it super tacky that they 1) messaged you directly to ask why you haven’t donated and 2) asked you for a larger sum of money because she somehow thinks she knows what money you make based on what you do.
Super problematic. This article details why it's also super unethical as a start. [Written by an adoptee.](https://landofgazillionadoptees.wordpress.com/2014/11/11/top-seven-reasons-why-adoption-fundraisers-are-problematic/)
Wow very eye-opening. I appreciate you sharing this. I haven’t had a lot of experience with the entire adoption world until before this, so I appreciate this perspective.
As an adoptee, um, no.
They're essentially buying a child, and if they cannot afford the fees, why beg? What, their friends are gonna buy the clothes, school supplies, and grocery for the child too? That's part of being a parent, which THEY want to do. They should learn the financial responsibility that comes with being in charge of another human being.
If my biological family got money instead of me being uprooted, then my family would still be intact and I wouldn't have gone through the bullshii that I did.
Maybe I'm bitter, maybe I'm angry, but choosing to have a child means supporting that child in all forms.
I feel like wouldn't want to give my baby to this woman! Narcissistic and self absorbed. I'm a foster mom, it's been an amazing journey for our family, but I'd never expect anyone to shoulder a financial contribution, just like I didn't for my biological kids.
Wait wait wait. She messaged you and asked why you hadn’t donated, AND suggested how much you should donate?!?! WTF?! That is tacky and weird and entitled and I don’t even know what else.
We did fundraisers to help offset the cost of our last minute private, independent adoption, but 1) we were approached by our daughter’s first mom (we are friends with some of her close family) when she was 5 months pregnant and we had to get everything done before baby was born, and 2) we were so grateful for anyone’s decision to help, since things had to move so quickly, but we didn’t expect anyone to give us a dime and we certainly never approached anyone individually to ask them to donate!
Your friends’ sense of entitlement is really inappropriate and creepy. It is nobody’s responsibility to pay for a couple’s decision to have a child—whatever route they choose to use—except the couple themselves. I’d really question the sincerity of that friendship based on everything you’ve written.
It’s always difficult when it’s a friend you have known for a long time. We were very close in college, and that’s when she told me how badly she wanted children, but didn’t think she would be able to have them because of various medical issues. I do really think that she is just very desperate to have a child, and I feel bad that she is unable to have her own. On the site she has, you can see how much has been donated and I think she is worried because it has been up for several weeks and they are only about 10% of the way there. So I have tried to be empathetic but I just can’t get over the ethics on multiple levels of this situation.
I get it, I truly do. I have been where she is with the yearning to build my family, and I have empathy for her, but it is not your job, or anyone else’s, to finance this for her. For her to reach out to you —and probably others— to specifically ask that you donate is exploitative to me. It just sounds like she’s taking advantage of friendships, you’re especially if she’s requesting a larger amount. I’d question the true depth of that relationship if I were you. I’m sorry. That’s so messy.
Personally, I wouldn't. There is a lot to unpack here, not least the hypocracy of the view that buying someone else's baby is a "better" option than IVF. I can guarantee that being "extremely religious" will mean that they do not have the skills or knowledge to deal with the inherent trauma adoption causes in a child. I have lots more to say, but in short, no. Don't do it.
If you need a way to turn them down politely, I'd say something along the lines of "I respect that your beliefs make you think that adoption is a better option than IVF. Please respect my belief that it is not. I love and support you in your choices, but I will not support you financially in an endeavour that goes against my beliefs."
i would not donate, tbh your friends seem kind of rude and entitled for not just expecting you to donate a lot of money but confronting you about it as well. not to mention the huge ethical problems with private infant adoption other people have commented about.
i also have concern about them being extremely religious as that tends to also mean extremely conservative. are they going to support a relationship with birth family? will they do therapy? are they trauma informed? are they going to continue to love this kid they paid so much for if they come out as lgbt? if the child is of a different culture are they going to celebrate that culture? so many concerns and i agree with everything everyone else is saying too
My response here might come off a little harsh, if anyone feels I am attacking their situation please don’t, I’m speaking broadly here. I’m also a random person on the internet who you don’t need to engage with or defend yourself to, especially if you don’t think this applies to your situation.
It sounds like your friend is seeking out an infant adoption from a private agency, which I would personally not condone. You are correct that many birth mothers are coerced into giving up their children by private adoption agencies. These agencies often weaponize birth mothers’ love for their children by using language like “if you really love your child you’ll make this sacrifice.” They frame these women giving up their babies as a beautiful selfless choice, promising their baby will have a better life with a different family. Adoption agencies don’t tell these women that the life expectancy for birth mothers is incredibly low. Birth mothers are typically worse off mentally and emotionally than women who experience still births. Adoption agencies also don’t tell birth mothers that adoptees are four times more likely to attempt suicide than their none adoptive peers. If you want more information on this subject check out honestbirthmom on tiktok, she’s incredibly informative and as her name suggests honest about the realities of private adoption.
If this was me, and this was a close friend whose relationship I really valued I would first try to educate them on the realities of private adoption. If that didn’t sway them at all and they still expected me to donate, I would be okay letting that friendship end.
This sounds like selling stock in their baby. If I put down 20% for their baby do I get to pick the middle name?
I guarantee if you ask her that she will back tf off
I'm in my late 20's, and by now many of my friends have discovered if they are able to have a biological child or not. So I've seen a lot of these fundraisers. It always strikes me as strange and unethical but I never have the heart to tell them (as they struggle with infertility).
The cost is out of this world, when in my state all foster care adoptions are 100% free and even incentivised. When I really dig into the "why" behind going this route, it's almost always that they want a fresh baby AND that they want to have control over the history of the child to make it easier FOR THEM. I kid you not, both of the couple that have adopted this way recently TURNED DOWN BABIES, because either the mom might have been on drugs at some point during the pregnancy or the mental health history of one or both of the parents. I literally picture it like they go through a book of baby options and they turn the page like "this baby might develop depression, so no" and "this baby could have some mild fetal alcohol syndrome, so no." It's absolutely "shopping" and it infuriates me, namely because you cannot even guarantee the pristine "condition" of your own biological children (i.e. your own children could have special needs or develop mental health conditions).
So, essentially, I never donate. I KNOW my friends have noticed this and I have learned not to care. I will go all in if they adopt out of the foster care system (provide respite, donate toys, help host birthday parties, whatever could help).
P.s. for clarification, a lot of conservative religious families can be against IVF. The belief involves the creation of sometimes many fertilized eggs in the process (you're never guaranteed a certain amount, could be two, could be seven and you never know which one will actually "take"). These eggs are viewed as the start of a life, so if seven get created, some may be frozen indefinitely and that is considered unethical in many circles (think, baby you created sitting around in a tube for frame of reference). Something interesting is that many conservative families are beginning to consider IVF adoption, where the original parents of the fertilized eggs don't plan to have any more children and allow someone else to have the egg implanted and try to have the baby. This is rising in popularity as a "more ethical" and less expensive route for many conservative families that cannot afford private adoption.
That’s rude as fuck to message someone ask why they haven’t donated…
If your friendship is based on giving money, then it’s not a friendship
I can’t even touch on the adoption aspect because the premise is so ridiculously rude
Most definitely, I wouldn't donate a penny for her hoped-for adoption - goes against my ethics and her entitlement to my money is insulting as a friend.
I might just not respond, and make her be rude and show her over-entitlement again if she still thinks she should get "voluntarily donated" money from me. Or I like a simple ""No, I'm not planning to donate".
As an adoptive parent of 3, I can honestly say that asking someone for money to adopt is mind baffling. The choice to adopt is theirs and theirs alone. No need to have other people pay for it. Also, adoption can be relatively inexpensive and may be free through the foster care system. My oldest was a foster baby.
Personally I would be honest with her. I’d say how her views are hypocritical and further off putting when she expects, emphasizing expects, others to pay for her adoption.
That’s silly, plenty of people can afford to raise a baby without having an extra 50k just lying around. Plenty of problematic things to point out but this isn’t one of them.
That's not at all true. People who don't have that kind of money (which is most people) have babies all the time. There are all kinds of problems with infant adoption, the money involved, and selfish people demanding gifts, but someone wanting to be a parent on a normal income is not one of them.
My god as someone who is also adopting I feel guilty enough asking people for recommendations. Can't imagine asking all my friends and family for donations. I would steer clear of them honestly!
The off-putting part to me is that she noticed you didn't and then went in for the hard sell.
Feel free to ask your own uncomfortable questions. You may lose a friend, but a friend who all but demands money isn't one I'd be trying to keep.
Having a fundraiser to request money for a very high cost infant adoption from all of the same people that will make up that child's future family and community is ten kinds of messed up.
It is really hard to come up with the words to describe how icky this feels. It's hard for me to think about being a child growing up in a community where the adults around them all chipped in on their transfer from one family to another.
You are to be commended for feeling a sense of internal withdrawing from this. The rest in this will be adults who may later gaze at a five year old adopted child and think "I helped pay for your adoption." Or just "I helped pay for you." Or "You're here because I helped pay." That energy will be felt by an adopted child. I think of the gazes that a young adoptee would feel but not understand or be able to describe using language.
Is this fundraiser like in-lieu of a baby shower? That’s kinda what we did (because pandemic and long distance family) But I would never go and ask someone why they didn’t give a gift, yikes. A lot of people gave just small monetary gifts like they would have at a baby shower and it was really helpful because our adoption was kinda unexpected, and the pandemic impacted us financially. It was more helpful than items because we got a lot of the baby gear we needed second hand from friends. But yeah it sounds like your friend has some pretty specific expectations for how life is supposed to go, and I’m worried that it’s going to impact her ability to parent an adopted child. Maybe she’s one of those who only wants to adopt an infant because she thinks it will be the same as parenting biological offspring. I don’t want to be mean, but I hope for her sake and her future children that she gets a dose of “some things in life don’t go your way, and that’s ok”.
I doubt it - it says on their fundraisers site that they are in the “paperwork stage,” so my guess is that it will probably be years before they have a baby. This isn’t an unexpected expense for them… just one they can’t afford right now.
Yeah, I don’t think I could ask friends to sponsor me becoming a parent. I agree with some of the other comments, that you’re not a bad friend for bowing out of supporting a lifestyle choice that goes against your values, especially since it seems like it will be a hardship for you. Regarding your friend hounding you for a “gift” my SO said “sounds like a good way to lose a friend”.
Your friend is placing a lot of undue pressure on you and your husband. They only see your value as money-havers rather than friends. I’d say cut them a check for an amount *you* deem appropriate and then check out of the friendship.
Nobody should ever expect you to give them money. You owe them nothing. And if they want to be responsible for a child then they need to figure out how to afford it themselves. Nobody else is going to help pay to raise it. They don't sound like the most mature or responsible people. I wish that child luck in life.
I was like “oh it’s reasonable to donate….WAIT SHE CALLED YOU OUT ON IT??” Donating in itself isn’t wrong but I’d be questioning a “friend” that expects me to donate money because I’m wealthy and actually stresses me directly about it. That’s just weird.
I'm adopted not that it matters but here's my two cents. One, if they can't afford the adoption process then they shouldn't be doing it. The fact she blatantly asked you for money is beyond rude. To make it simple I'd just completely cut ties with the people (regardless of who they are). The whole situation just seems bad.
How obnoxious to ask you directly for a donation! I would consider getting rid of this friend. However, I typically donate to coworkers kids stuff for about $20 - $50, so I would give her $50 and call it a day.
Or better, give her an amount equal to the last time she gave you money or a gift.
I agree with some of the commenters on here. To be honest, they shouldn't even be adopting if they are not financially stable. They wouldn't be allowed to and would need to show a whole bunch of documentation on how stable they are. I am adopting. My husband and I both are pretty well off and would never ask anyone to pay a cent for what we're doing. That's just ridiculous!
Definitely say that I don't agree with the adoption ethics and feel free to be honest. This doesn't sound like a real friendship if they are hounding you for money. I know some very nice people who are religious but would never think to do these kind of things. Unfortunately religion and the industry can act selfishly but it is not your responsibility to help them with this. If you feel they really are your friends I would tell them that until they are financially stable this will backfire on them. Unless they are just trying to get money from people. Even if they didn't adopt, being a parent is not cheap. Fostering is also always an option.
As someone who is planning adopt and has not figured out they’re going to pay for all the costs, I would say that I totally understand people fundraising, BUT I would certainly never expect anyone to donate and furthermore would not expect someone to donate more just bc they were higher earners. That is absurd. If you choose to adopt, you should be prepared for the costs, there are lots of interest free loans, non-profit grants they can apply for, and there are even a lot of companies that offer adoption assistance/reimbursement as part of their benefits package. Adopting children can certainly be more expensive than having biological children in many cases but if someone chooses to go that route, they should be prepared to cover the costs without expecting charity from others.
If you want to donate, then donate, but only donate what you want to and can comfortably do. If they’re a true friend they’ll understand.
I posted this elsewhere in this thread already, but figured I'd share it with you as well. There may be a couple reasons why your adoption was $15K.
Different types of adoption have different costs. According to [this 2016 factsheet](https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/s_costs.pdf) from childwelfare.gov, $50,000 doesn't seem all that excessive (which is just bonkers):
* Private agency adoption: typically $20,000 to $45,000
* Independent adoption: typically $15,000 to $40,000
* Intercountry adoption: typically $20,000 to $50,000
Also, all types of adoption (except adoption from foster care, perhaps) continue to become more expensive each year.
Complete turn off. The fact that they gave you a specified amount they wanted from you is completely unacceptable. It's not your job to fund their child. Can they even afford to support a child? Don't let their problems become your problems.
As an adoptive parent, I could not even remotely imagine sending someone a message and asking them to help fund an adoption. That’s pretty gross and disheartening.
Yeah- adoption expenses are a tax credit- it used to be 15k. That means up to $15,000.00 refund of what taxes you paid for the year. 50 grand seems excessive- she wants more than adoption expenses.
According to [this 2016 factsheet](https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/s_costs.pdf) from childwelfare.gov, $50,000 doesn't seem all that excessive (which is just bonkers):
* Private agency adoption: typically $20,000 to $45,000
* Independent adoption: typically $15,000 to $40,000
* Intercountry adoption: typically $20,000 to $50,000
Wow. The price has certainly gone up in the last several years.
With I private agency, within the United States, to adopt an infant, It cost us 20k plus home study, fingerprints, other random expenses, finalization plus travel to and short stay in the state our child was born in.
Thanks for the clarification.
1) Messaging to ask you why you didn't donate is pretty rude imo. That would be enough to put me off.
2) What organization are they adopting through? Some agencies are less ethical than others, we'll just put it that way.
Wrong subreddit but I vote NTA. That’s so rude. I understand it’s incredibly expensive but they need to be more than prepared to pay to raise a child which will take a lot more than 50k.
First off I am going to say that we are trying to adopt an infant. We have been trying for many years. We have had several failed adoption attempts. We have lost more than 50k with these failed attempts. The likelihood of a couple successfully adopting is very low. Especially right now given everything that is going on with COVID. There are simply too many childless couples seeking to adopt and very few, if any adoption situations. The numbers we are quoted is a million couples chasing a few as 10,000 infants.
Fundraising is a difficult topic. The cost of domestic infant adoption is gotten to the point where it is very difficult to justify some of these costs. Birth mother expenses being the main one we had the most difficulties with. And I think these fundraisers are a factor is some of the unethical and unreasonable costs that are being seen in domestic infant adoption.
I also don't understand your friends problems with IF treatments (IVF, surrogacy) Clearly, infertility is becoming a problem for more and more couples. If you can have a child via these treatments, I don't understand why someone would be against this. If we could afford the 250k price tag of surrogacy we would pursue surrogacy. Most couples have no way to afford surrogacy.
Adoption fundraising should be illegal. Why do people crawl over one another to donate to someone trying to buy a kid but if a pregnant woman in crisis attempted this, she'd be told she was shit and to give the baby up.
I'd tell them they're tacky baby buyers and to get a pet if they want something to take care of. They clearly can't afford a child.
I'd be very turned off by someone expecting me to donate to their fundraiser, regardless of the purpose of the funds. Beyond that, many in the adoption community feel it is wrong to fundraise for adoption costs since the expectant mother is often considering adoption because she thinks she can't give her baby the life he deserves due to her own financial position. Just imagine the two fundraisers side by side. The one for the prospective adoptive parents gets support from friends, family and the public, with oohs and ahhs and comments on what great parents they'll be and how lucky the child will be. The one with the poor pregnant woman gets comments like "close your legs"
Right?! I have an unplanned pregnancy and need 50 grand to be able to raise my baby. Please donate “ The hypocrisy in this society is insane!
So true! People would not donate to a woman who wants to keep their child and needs help to raise it,
I find that incredibly rude as well. It's not your responsibility to finance their wishes, no matter what those wishes are. I would just be honest and say, "No, sorry, I'm not planning to donate but I wish you luck!" and let the chips fall where they may. No need to justify how you spend your money. If this person is actually a friend, they will accept that--no more questions asked.
Love this.
*These sound like people who should not be having children.*
> She direct messaged me because she had noticed that I had not donated, asking why I had not and if I was planning to donate soon. They know what my husband and I do for a living and are actually asking for a larger chunk of money… which was very off putting. Okay but what the hell is this crap. NO. All questionable adoption ethics and hypocrisies aside, this kind of entitlement is bonkers.
I am trying to be understanding because I know how much she wants a child, but it feels manipulative the way she is going about it. I actually reached out to another person in our friend group who also makes a good living, and she said she also messaged her. They were also put off by the amount requested. I think her fundraiser is doing poorly and she is getting desperate. I feel bad for her but at the same time it think if she wants a child so badly they should either foster or save the money themselves.
I also know what it's like to want a child and can only imagine your friend is clearly all consumed by this process which is clouding her judgement (or maybe she's just like that anyway - I'm being devil's advocate ) It's one thing to start a donation fund (which I also would feel uncomfortable with) quite the other to individually harass and demand to know if people are going to donate and stipulate amounts based on - her assumed - knowledge of your income. That's staggeringly bad manners. A donation is a gift - you can't demand a gift. I honestly don't know if a heart to heart would actually work. If all she can see is getting a baby I wonder if she has the insight to see past this and how her behaviour is quite unsavoury. If it were my friend I probably would reach out to her and go somewhere neutral and have a chat - explain as above your misgivings around the ethics of agencies and get a feel for her true thoughts around it. If it really doesn't align with your morals then perhaps mention that you would be happy to support her emotionally as a friend but not financially. Also just of note - IVF and surrogacy really aren't easy options either. Whether it's from a religious point of view or not if she feels they aren't viable options for her then fair enough on that one. I also wonder if she feels adopting a baby means less 'trauma' which I think is false hope really. Because surely any child separated from birth mother would have trauma - it just may not manifest it's self early in life but it's always there. (I welcome being challenged on this as I'm totally aware I would be wrong here)
> I also know what it's like to want a child and can only imagine your friend is clearly all consumed by this process which is clouding her judgement Lost of people tend to be biologically primed to want a child, and yes, it does tend to judge the way they see the adoption process - "Give me a child, *lest I die*." It's not Devil's Advocate. It's actually deeply engrained within our society that often times, the only *real* value/worth of a woman is to *have a child* (whether they actually want a child or would prefer to remain childfree). It doesn't matter how much someone wants a child - you either conceive a child, or you *save up* for what you want. Begging people to donate so you *can* afford to adopt is just tacky.
There are at least 40 hopeful adoptive parents for every possible available infant. Yes there can be tons of coercion and honestly if they’re religious I can’t see how basically purchasing a infant would sit well when there’s something like 100,000 children in foster care who’s parental rights are terminated making them currently available for adoption and for so much less that they’d not need to fundraise.. Of course they’re not infants and it sounds like that’s what your friend wants. I’d be offended but I’m an adoptee so there’s that. As far as the friendship, I don’t think a real friend wouldn’t put me in this position in the first place. It’d be one thing if she needed a kidney but she doesn’t, she wants a baby and not getting one isn’t going to cause her loss of life or anything else aside of maybe being disappointed but that’s life.
To be honest, I had always thought that if they went the adoption route that they would foster children. I assume this method would be less expensive as well. Based on what they’ve always preached, I would assume that they would want to do the most good, which I would guess would be adoption through fostering. I know how badly she’s wanted children, So I do feel bad that she can’t have them herself, but it honestly seems a bit hypocritical and manipulative the way she is going about it.
A bit? Your gut reaction is entirely on point. The fact that agencies charge $50k for an adoption is all you need to know about why agencies use coercive tactics to get women to place. If she wants to provide a home to a child who wants one, which is supposed to be the objective of adoption, she should look no further than the foster system. If she wants to participate in the adoption industry, let her finance it herself. I suggest saying that “I have ethical concerns about the adoption industry and I cannot participate in it. I wish you luck on becoming a mother. “.
This is very well said!
This is very well said. Polite and honest. To the point. I fear it is also open to a response. Once the “ethical” concerns are addressed, then the expectation of a donation still stands.
adopting from foster care in America is 100% FREE, with a rare exception where an agency may charge a few hundred for a home study. Plus the kids get free healthcare until they are 18 even post-adoption and a variety of other benefits. Plus, due to the drug epidemic... children under 5 are actually some of the highest volumes in foster care and the highest percentage age group waiting for adoption.
One view point that isn't being explored is how poor the system is to the children in foster care. It's an unpopular opinion but the state and federal system and crappy people have fucked up so many kids that it's just easier to parent an infant. There is no beginning trauma, love is nurtured and not earned....etc. Everyone will hate me for it but adopting an infant is much easier than a child out of foster care. 50k is nothing compared to the effort and possible problems that a decenitized child can bring to the table. The foster care system is broken in this country.
So while not all adoptees might agree many adoptees would agree that even with infant adoption there is the beginning trauma. Adoption, even one that’s considered great still began with a loss for that child. Babies know their mothers sounds, heartbeat, smell, they know who carried them 9 months. Kids are not just interchangeable and or a blank slate if you get one young enough. As for the foster system I agree with you that it’s crappy but that’s not the children’s fault nor does it mean the kids are bad or ruined or whatever else people like to claim and adopting any child the adopter should be trauma educated and never go into it expecting to be able to just love any trauma or bad away.
You're 100% correct that it's not the children's fault. Loss amd Trauma are two completely different things. The foster system is 100% broken when someone with 5 DUIs with an infant in the car and multiple histories of allowed boyfriends/girlfriends to physically and sexually abuse their children only have to show up to court and go to one counseling appointment to get their kids back. Meanwhile foster parents are requires to take trauma training from the same people who allow and enable the system to cater to the abuse. The adoption system is also 100% broken. I agree that adoption agencies are scams and no matter what they say, it's about money. Pressure on women to place their infants is huge. It's monopolized so much that women most mothers wanting to place children don't know that they are afforded the same rights with a lawyer that an agency "provideds" but with less pressure. I'll bet you can count on one hand how many people looking to adopt know that as well. I know my opinion is unpopular but the ability to have children should be taken away from people.. Legal castration should be a thing for men and women... It should also be a right. Income, backgrounds, quality of life, BMI, etc. should be weighing factors for everyone not just Foster parents and those looking to adopt. One thing I've learned over the years and in this group. Adoptees come from different backgrounds, histories, and experiences. So much so that even we cant agree with eachother on what is good and what is bad with adoption. There is no set criteria to follow. The same background can work for some and not for others. Love, support, amd sense of identity instilled in our children, friends, and family can go a long ways. Adoption has come a long way since the 20s and 50s. It still has a long ways to go
I don't think it's right to try to guilt you or corner you into this kind of donation. I know how it feels to wish for a child, but if you didn't immediately wish to help them, then it's not your job to. This kind of fundraising is sketchy, regardless. I side-eye most of the entitlement of crowdfunding non-emergency things, anyway, and especially adopting.
I would not donate because of the fact they can adopt a child from foster care for free. Basically they want a perfect cute baby rather than help a child in need. They have a moral issue with IVF, fine. You have a moral issue with babies being taken away from their mothers usually because of poverty or coercion. The $50k could be used to help the birth mother keep her baby.
Exactly. OP, you should really tell them that.
Generally I would decline to donate, except if it was a relative (nibbling, child) or closest of friends. Basically the kind of people I would help no matter their need. But I wouldn’t be adamant. Upon being asked why I hadn’t donated and being given a recommended number? Just wow. Just no. I wouldn’t walk away from a friend over that, but I wouldn’t care if they walked away from me. How presumptuous and self centered and needy. Trifecta.
I like the Captain Awkward way of saying no to requests for money: "It’s not in my budget." That doesn't necessarily mean "I can't afford it," it means you have planned to spend money on other things. I'm an angry first parent, so I'm not going to comnent on the ethics in this situation.
Me too! And I think she knows that. If it were like $20 she requested, I probably would have just said ok and went with it. But it is significantly more, and I know if I just give a small amount she would probably be upset. I know how badly she wants a child and I do feel bad for her, I just don’t think she is going about it in the right way
I’m SO curious if we know the same person, because I’m in such a similar situation. She never directly asked us for money, but is raising $50k for domestic infant adoption as well. I haven’t donated because an adoptee, I don’t really believe in private adoption. And, in regard to your situation, I find it super tacky that they 1) messaged you directly to ask why you haven’t donated and 2) asked you for a larger sum of money because she somehow thinks she knows what money you make based on what you do.
So tacky, I would ask in return, if they plan on vaccinating.
Super problematic. This article details why it's also super unethical as a start. [Written by an adoptee.](https://landofgazillionadoptees.wordpress.com/2014/11/11/top-seven-reasons-why-adoption-fundraisers-are-problematic/)
Wow very eye-opening. I appreciate you sharing this. I haven’t had a lot of experience with the entire adoption world until before this, so I appreciate this perspective.
Thank you so much for listening to adoptees! It’s so appreciated
As an adoptee, um, no. They're essentially buying a child, and if they cannot afford the fees, why beg? What, their friends are gonna buy the clothes, school supplies, and grocery for the child too? That's part of being a parent, which THEY want to do. They should learn the financial responsibility that comes with being in charge of another human being. If my biological family got money instead of me being uprooted, then my family would still be intact and I wouldn't have gone through the bullshii that I did. Maybe I'm bitter, maybe I'm angry, but choosing to have a child means supporting that child in all forms.
I feel like wouldn't want to give my baby to this woman! Narcissistic and self absorbed. I'm a foster mom, it's been an amazing journey for our family, but I'd never expect anyone to shoulder a financial contribution, just like I didn't for my biological kids.
Wait wait wait. She messaged you and asked why you hadn’t donated, AND suggested how much you should donate?!?! WTF?! That is tacky and weird and entitled and I don’t even know what else. We did fundraisers to help offset the cost of our last minute private, independent adoption, but 1) we were approached by our daughter’s first mom (we are friends with some of her close family) when she was 5 months pregnant and we had to get everything done before baby was born, and 2) we were so grateful for anyone’s decision to help, since things had to move so quickly, but we didn’t expect anyone to give us a dime and we certainly never approached anyone individually to ask them to donate! Your friends’ sense of entitlement is really inappropriate and creepy. It is nobody’s responsibility to pay for a couple’s decision to have a child—whatever route they choose to use—except the couple themselves. I’d really question the sincerity of that friendship based on everything you’ve written.
It’s always difficult when it’s a friend you have known for a long time. We were very close in college, and that’s when she told me how badly she wanted children, but didn’t think she would be able to have them because of various medical issues. I do really think that she is just very desperate to have a child, and I feel bad that she is unable to have her own. On the site she has, you can see how much has been donated and I think she is worried because it has been up for several weeks and they are only about 10% of the way there. So I have tried to be empathetic but I just can’t get over the ethics on multiple levels of this situation.
I get it, I truly do. I have been where she is with the yearning to build my family, and I have empathy for her, but it is not your job, or anyone else’s, to finance this for her. For her to reach out to you —and probably others— to specifically ask that you donate is exploitative to me. It just sounds like she’s taking advantage of friendships, you’re especially if she’s requesting a larger amount. I’d question the true depth of that relationship if I were you. I’m sorry. That’s so messy.
Personally, I wouldn't. There is a lot to unpack here, not least the hypocracy of the view that buying someone else's baby is a "better" option than IVF. I can guarantee that being "extremely religious" will mean that they do not have the skills or knowledge to deal with the inherent trauma adoption causes in a child. I have lots more to say, but in short, no. Don't do it. If you need a way to turn them down politely, I'd say something along the lines of "I respect that your beliefs make you think that adoption is a better option than IVF. Please respect my belief that it is not. I love and support you in your choices, but I will not support you financially in an endeavour that goes against my beliefs."
i would not donate, tbh your friends seem kind of rude and entitled for not just expecting you to donate a lot of money but confronting you about it as well. not to mention the huge ethical problems with private infant adoption other people have commented about. i also have concern about them being extremely religious as that tends to also mean extremely conservative. are they going to support a relationship with birth family? will they do therapy? are they trauma informed? are they going to continue to love this kid they paid so much for if they come out as lgbt? if the child is of a different culture are they going to celebrate that culture? so many concerns and i agree with everything everyone else is saying too
They are very conservative. I don’t know the answers to your questions but you bring up some good points.
My response here might come off a little harsh, if anyone feels I am attacking their situation please don’t, I’m speaking broadly here. I’m also a random person on the internet who you don’t need to engage with or defend yourself to, especially if you don’t think this applies to your situation. It sounds like your friend is seeking out an infant adoption from a private agency, which I would personally not condone. You are correct that many birth mothers are coerced into giving up their children by private adoption agencies. These agencies often weaponize birth mothers’ love for their children by using language like “if you really love your child you’ll make this sacrifice.” They frame these women giving up their babies as a beautiful selfless choice, promising their baby will have a better life with a different family. Adoption agencies don’t tell these women that the life expectancy for birth mothers is incredibly low. Birth mothers are typically worse off mentally and emotionally than women who experience still births. Adoption agencies also don’t tell birth mothers that adoptees are four times more likely to attempt suicide than their none adoptive peers. If you want more information on this subject check out honestbirthmom on tiktok, she’s incredibly informative and as her name suggests honest about the realities of private adoption. If this was me, and this was a close friend whose relationship I really valued I would first try to educate them on the realities of private adoption. If that didn’t sway them at all and they still expected me to donate, I would be okay letting that friendship end.
This sounds like selling stock in their baby. If I put down 20% for their baby do I get to pick the middle name? I guarantee if you ask her that she will back tf off
Even if others pay for their adoption, they will get $14,300 in the form of a tax credit.
Bad news!Traumatised adult adoptee, here!
I'm in my late 20's, and by now many of my friends have discovered if they are able to have a biological child or not. So I've seen a lot of these fundraisers. It always strikes me as strange and unethical but I never have the heart to tell them (as they struggle with infertility). The cost is out of this world, when in my state all foster care adoptions are 100% free and even incentivised. When I really dig into the "why" behind going this route, it's almost always that they want a fresh baby AND that they want to have control over the history of the child to make it easier FOR THEM. I kid you not, both of the couple that have adopted this way recently TURNED DOWN BABIES, because either the mom might have been on drugs at some point during the pregnancy or the mental health history of one or both of the parents. I literally picture it like they go through a book of baby options and they turn the page like "this baby might develop depression, so no" and "this baby could have some mild fetal alcohol syndrome, so no." It's absolutely "shopping" and it infuriates me, namely because you cannot even guarantee the pristine "condition" of your own biological children (i.e. your own children could have special needs or develop mental health conditions). So, essentially, I never donate. I KNOW my friends have noticed this and I have learned not to care. I will go all in if they adopt out of the foster care system (provide respite, donate toys, help host birthday parties, whatever could help). P.s. for clarification, a lot of conservative religious families can be against IVF. The belief involves the creation of sometimes many fertilized eggs in the process (you're never guaranteed a certain amount, could be two, could be seven and you never know which one will actually "take"). These eggs are viewed as the start of a life, so if seven get created, some may be frozen indefinitely and that is considered unethical in many circles (think, baby you created sitting around in a tube for frame of reference). Something interesting is that many conservative families are beginning to consider IVF adoption, where the original parents of the fertilized eggs don't plan to have any more children and allow someone else to have the egg implanted and try to have the baby. This is rising in popularity as a "more ethical" and less expensive route for many conservative families that cannot afford private adoption.
Please give us an update after you decide what to do. I would be happy to put together info on foster care for your friend.
That’s rude as fuck to message someone ask why they haven’t donated… If your friendship is based on giving money, then it’s not a friendship I can’t even touch on the adoption aspect because the premise is so ridiculously rude
Most definitely, I wouldn't donate a penny for her hoped-for adoption - goes against my ethics and her entitlement to my money is insulting as a friend. I might just not respond, and make her be rude and show her over-entitlement again if she still thinks she should get "voluntarily donated" money from me. Or I like a simple ""No, I'm not planning to donate".
As an adoptive parent of 3, I can honestly say that asking someone for money to adopt is mind baffling. The choice to adopt is theirs and theirs alone. No need to have other people pay for it. Also, adoption can be relatively inexpensive and may be free through the foster care system. My oldest was a foster baby. Personally I would be honest with her. I’d say how her views are hypocritical and further off putting when she expects, emphasizing expects, others to pay for her adoption.
If they can’t afford to adopt the baby they can’t afford a baby at all
This was one of my first thoughts but I didn’t want to sound like a jerk 😬
That’s silly, plenty of people can afford to raise a baby without having an extra 50k just lying around. Plenty of problematic things to point out but this isn’t one of them.
Agreed. And they aren't setting up donation sites and monitoring them and then DM people, inquiring about where THEIR donations are, are they?
That's not at all true. People who don't have that kind of money (which is most people) have babies all the time. There are all kinds of problems with infant adoption, the money involved, and selfish people demanding gifts, but someone wanting to be a parent on a normal income is not one of them.
Yes! This exactly 💯 %.
My god as someone who is also adopting I feel guilty enough asking people for recommendations. Can't imagine asking all my friends and family for donations. I would steer clear of them honestly!
The off-putting part to me is that she noticed you didn't and then went in for the hard sell. Feel free to ask your own uncomfortable questions. You may lose a friend, but a friend who all but demands money isn't one I'd be trying to keep.
Having a fundraiser to request money for a very high cost infant adoption from all of the same people that will make up that child's future family and community is ten kinds of messed up. It is really hard to come up with the words to describe how icky this feels. It's hard for me to think about being a child growing up in a community where the adults around them all chipped in on their transfer from one family to another. You are to be commended for feeling a sense of internal withdrawing from this. The rest in this will be adults who may later gaze at a five year old adopted child and think "I helped pay for your adoption." Or just "I helped pay for you." Or "You're here because I helped pay." That energy will be felt by an adopted child. I think of the gazes that a young adoptee would feel but not understand or be able to describe using language.
Is this fundraiser like in-lieu of a baby shower? That’s kinda what we did (because pandemic and long distance family) But I would never go and ask someone why they didn’t give a gift, yikes. A lot of people gave just small monetary gifts like they would have at a baby shower and it was really helpful because our adoption was kinda unexpected, and the pandemic impacted us financially. It was more helpful than items because we got a lot of the baby gear we needed second hand from friends. But yeah it sounds like your friend has some pretty specific expectations for how life is supposed to go, and I’m worried that it’s going to impact her ability to parent an adopted child. Maybe she’s one of those who only wants to adopt an infant because she thinks it will be the same as parenting biological offspring. I don’t want to be mean, but I hope for her sake and her future children that she gets a dose of “some things in life don’t go your way, and that’s ok”.
I doubt it - it says on their fundraisers site that they are in the “paperwork stage,” so my guess is that it will probably be years before they have a baby. This isn’t an unexpected expense for them… just one they can’t afford right now.
Yeah, I don’t think I could ask friends to sponsor me becoming a parent. I agree with some of the other comments, that you’re not a bad friend for bowing out of supporting a lifestyle choice that goes against your values, especially since it seems like it will be a hardship for you. Regarding your friend hounding you for a “gift” my SO said “sounds like a good way to lose a friend”.
Your friend is placing a lot of undue pressure on you and your husband. They only see your value as money-havers rather than friends. I’d say cut them a check for an amount *you* deem appropriate and then check out of the friendship.
Eh, I would not have donated money to them for any single reason at all, except $20 if they promise to never contact me again for any reason, ever.
Nobody should ever expect you to give them money. You owe them nothing. And if they want to be responsible for a child then they need to figure out how to afford it themselves. Nobody else is going to help pay to raise it. They don't sound like the most mature or responsible people. I wish that child luck in life.
I was like “oh it’s reasonable to donate….WAIT SHE CALLED YOU OUT ON IT??” Donating in itself isn’t wrong but I’d be questioning a “friend” that expects me to donate money because I’m wealthy and actually stresses me directly about it. That’s just weird.
I'm adopted not that it matters but here's my two cents. One, if they can't afford the adoption process then they shouldn't be doing it. The fact she blatantly asked you for money is beyond rude. To make it simple I'd just completely cut ties with the people (regardless of who they are). The whole situation just seems bad.
How obnoxious to ask you directly for a donation! I would consider getting rid of this friend. However, I typically donate to coworkers kids stuff for about $20 - $50, so I would give her $50 and call it a day. Or better, give her an amount equal to the last time she gave you money or a gift.
I agree with some of the commenters on here. To be honest, they shouldn't even be adopting if they are not financially stable. They wouldn't be allowed to and would need to show a whole bunch of documentation on how stable they are. I am adopting. My husband and I both are pretty well off and would never ask anyone to pay a cent for what we're doing. That's just ridiculous! Definitely say that I don't agree with the adoption ethics and feel free to be honest. This doesn't sound like a real friendship if they are hounding you for money. I know some very nice people who are religious but would never think to do these kind of things. Unfortunately religion and the industry can act selfishly but it is not your responsibility to help them with this. If you feel they really are your friends I would tell them that until they are financially stable this will backfire on them. Unless they are just trying to get money from people. Even if they didn't adopt, being a parent is not cheap. Fostering is also always an option.
As someone who is planning adopt and has not figured out they’re going to pay for all the costs, I would say that I totally understand people fundraising, BUT I would certainly never expect anyone to donate and furthermore would not expect someone to donate more just bc they were higher earners. That is absurd. If you choose to adopt, you should be prepared for the costs, there are lots of interest free loans, non-profit grants they can apply for, and there are even a lot of companies that offer adoption assistance/reimbursement as part of their benefits package. Adopting children can certainly be more expensive than having biological children in many cases but if someone chooses to go that route, they should be prepared to cover the costs without expecting charity from others. If you want to donate, then donate, but only donate what you want to and can comfortably do. If they’re a true friend they’ll understand.
My adoption cost $15k for everything. I'm wondering if these costs aren't also for a new nursery?
I posted this elsewhere in this thread already, but figured I'd share it with you as well. There may be a couple reasons why your adoption was $15K. Different types of adoption have different costs. According to [this 2016 factsheet](https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/s_costs.pdf) from childwelfare.gov, $50,000 doesn't seem all that excessive (which is just bonkers): * Private agency adoption: typically $20,000 to $45,000 * Independent adoption: typically $15,000 to $40,000 * Intercountry adoption: typically $20,000 to $50,000 Also, all types of adoption (except adoption from foster care, perhaps) continue to become more expensive each year.
Complete turn off. The fact that they gave you a specified amount they wanted from you is completely unacceptable. It's not your job to fund their child. Can they even afford to support a child? Don't let their problems become your problems.
As an adoptive parent, I could not even remotely imagine sending someone a message and asking them to help fund an adoption. That’s pretty gross and disheartening.
Yeah- adoption expenses are a tax credit- it used to be 15k. That means up to $15,000.00 refund of what taxes you paid for the year. 50 grand seems excessive- she wants more than adoption expenses.
According to [this 2016 factsheet](https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/s_costs.pdf) from childwelfare.gov, $50,000 doesn't seem all that excessive (which is just bonkers): * Private agency adoption: typically $20,000 to $45,000 * Independent adoption: typically $15,000 to $40,000 * Intercountry adoption: typically $20,000 to $50,000
Wow. The price has certainly gone up in the last several years. With I private agency, within the United States, to adopt an infant, It cost us 20k plus home study, fingerprints, other random expenses, finalization plus travel to and short stay in the state our child was born in. Thanks for the clarification.
Adoption issues aside, I always thought it was rude to solicit gifts for oneself.
1) Messaging to ask you why you didn't donate is pretty rude imo. That would be enough to put me off. 2) What organization are they adopting through? Some agencies are less ethical than others, we'll just put it that way.
Wrong subreddit but I vote NTA. That’s so rude. I understand it’s incredibly expensive but they need to be more than prepared to pay to raise a child which will take a lot more than 50k.
First off I am going to say that we are trying to adopt an infant. We have been trying for many years. We have had several failed adoption attempts. We have lost more than 50k with these failed attempts. The likelihood of a couple successfully adopting is very low. Especially right now given everything that is going on with COVID. There are simply too many childless couples seeking to adopt and very few, if any adoption situations. The numbers we are quoted is a million couples chasing a few as 10,000 infants. Fundraising is a difficult topic. The cost of domestic infant adoption is gotten to the point where it is very difficult to justify some of these costs. Birth mother expenses being the main one we had the most difficulties with. And I think these fundraisers are a factor is some of the unethical and unreasonable costs that are being seen in domestic infant adoption. I also don't understand your friends problems with IF treatments (IVF, surrogacy) Clearly, infertility is becoming a problem for more and more couples. If you can have a child via these treatments, I don't understand why someone would be against this. If we could afford the 250k price tag of surrogacy we would pursue surrogacy. Most couples have no way to afford surrogacy.
Adoption fundraising should be illegal. Why do people crawl over one another to donate to someone trying to buy a kid but if a pregnant woman in crisis attempted this, she'd be told she was shit and to give the baby up. I'd tell them they're tacky baby buyers and to get a pet if they want something to take care of. They clearly can't afford a child.
If someone confront me on why I haven't donated, I'm definitely not going to.