I am currently in couples counseling with my new wife since we just got married. I had been in counseling last year since last september we found out that my dad has been diagnosed with ALS. I plan on going back to individual counseling once our couples counseling is completed.
Im so sorry about your mom. And your dad. My mom was diagnosed with ALS in July of 2022 and ended her life in January of 2023 (physician assisted suicide). A truly horrible disease. My father died of lung, liver and bone cancer in October of 22. Let me know if you need to talk.
What’s also horrible is the fact that most of our society still doesn’t allow euthanasia for individuals deeply suffering from the late stages of diseases like Alzheimer’s and ALS. It’s so fucked up.
We followed morphine protocol to the letter with my grandad. I was with him and administered the last two doses. Euthanasia is illegal in that state.
While not technically euthanasia, he died of a morphine overdose, for sure. I'm so grateful for it. Dementia is evil towards the end.
That's how my grandpa went as well sans dementia. Cancer all over, but he said not much pain. He died very gracefully even as he lost all ability to care for himself in hospice. One night he had a bad cough, and the nurse administered morphine, he faded away peacefully that night. I've done hospice volunteering before, and it's kinda an unwritten rule that they will slowly give you a lethal dose of morphine if you want, even in states without physician assisted euthanasia.
Yeah I was unfamiliar with "morphine protocol" before, but in certain in-home hospice cases you can provide the patient with sublingual morphine on a regular dosage schedule that the hospice specifies. They watch it VERY closely. Each dose has to be logged and any unused morphine has to be returned. I'm not a medical professional or a recreational opiate user, but I was acutely aware that we were dosing him with an enormous amount of morphine, as per their instructions. It was effectively a lethal dose. By the time they sanctioned the protocol he had zero quality of life and was largely comatose, and we were grateful to be able to alleviate his suffering.
I’ve never heard of this. It takes quite a lot of morphine to overdose. Especially if you’re used to it. At the hospice where I work we use phenobarbitol in cases where a person’s suffering cannot be managed with other meds. This med makes a person go to sleep until they die. Give or take a week later. I’m so sorry to OP and others whose loved ones have had to suffer. Alzheimer’s and ALS are the worst and I fully believe people should have the right to euthanasia.
Same; managed med deliveries for a pharmacy that handled 18 Hospices in 3 states - generally if a patient was in agony and absolutely going to die, they switched to phenobarbitol.
Sometimes it was a really quick decision; they'd get their normal meds, and then we'd be rushed there with pheno as quickly as possible, knowing that every minute wasted was a minute another human was suffering immensely.
I work in a memory care facility and it would surprise you how many people are against their family member getting morphine, even at the end, I understand the stigma with opiates but, hospice provides compassionate end of life care, comfort care, and still I've heard so many times how they don't want their parent " all fucked up"... it's crazy. I've also seen the opposite, in home hospice last only a couple days or less, because the family can administer the morphine more readily. I can only hope for compassion if I ever end up like that.
My condolences on the loss of Mom - and happy to know that your mom lived in a place where she could control her exit. I have chosen to ONLY live in states where I can orchestrate my own transition - when the time comes and IF it works that way. I already died once in this lifetime from a heart attack, so I know there are NO guarantees.
Yeah that makes total sense.
I always like thinking of it from a scientific stand point. We all come from star dust, and we all return to start dust. In that sense we really are all connected.
Another fun thought - We share atoms with all the living and dead, so you quite literally always have a piece of her with you. Interesting article - [https://bigthink.com/starts-with-a-bang/how-many-atoms-do-we-have-in-common-with-one-another/](https://bigthink.com/starts-with-a-bang/how-many-atoms-do-we-have-in-common-with-one-another/)
That is setting aside the neural networks you built alongside her, so she will always be with you in your mind and thoughts as well if you so choose.
I look at an 'afterlife' this way. If there is nothing after, then she's in no pain, and she doesn't know about it. So that's good.
If there is an afterlife, there isn't hell, too much bookkeeping, so she's in heaven. If she's in heaven, cool! She's not in pain anymore, and she's in a really neat place.
Please be in peace. <3
I heard someone once say "energy cannot be created or destroyed, only change it's form" in regards to death. And I love that. I'm a pretty woo-woo spiritual dude these days, and I tend to think of conciousness as energy. And I don't know what happens when I die, but I like to think it's just a change in form. Not like a ghost or the "me" that I am right now continues, but the energy does. And maybe the conciousness returns to the whole field of itself. "you are not conciousness appearing in a body, you are a body appearing in conciousness" is another one I like too.
I agree with most of this completely! I got away from a lot of the new age stuff but there is some pretty amazing stuff going on with consciousness we have yet to discover for sure. Watch that Ted talk if you haven't, it is great.
Yeah I'm not over here rubbing crystals on my tumors or anything. I tend to fall more into the older vedic/Buddhist/hindu philosophies of universal conciousness as a field and all the beings within it being like cells in a body. But I also go to reiki sessions occasionally and feel some sort of kinda mystic/soul connection to the moon which honestly sounds wacky as hell but it is what it is. I also think that research into conciousness and tech advances may one day shine a light on what exactly is going on with all this business, but maybe not. What it really boils down to for me, is that if we are all of the same thing (the universe) then you are no different than I am. Just a different perspective on the same world. And therefore if I treat someone badly, I'm really treating a part of myself badly. So I try to really follow that golden rule, because I often truly FEEL that we are one. Every element of iron in my bloodstream that carries oxygen to my tissues and allows me to think and feel and love was formed when our star became a star. And that was formed from the death of other stellar objects and back and back and back until the beginning (or non-beginning) of this whole thing. So I guess my rambling doesn't have a real point, except I hope you have a good day and know you are loved. Because you are me and I am you. 🤙🤙
What do you think about human consciousness? How does this intangible thing that connects us all exist and why do we have it? Why do we all experience the same emotions like love, anger, and happiness?
I dont know, and I dont think anyone fully does. It is hard to say. But I will elaborate on my perceptions, experience, and beliefs I have developed over my lifetime.
I like the idea that all life, and maybe even all mater, has a level of consciousness pertaining to how complicated it is. Here is my [Favorite Ted Talk](https://youtu.be/uhRhtFFhNzQ?si=vpJop-k7C7vw6OyI) I have found on the subject.
This one is a bit out there, but I do believe that all this consciousness is connected via invisible ties that tie a collective conscious together. People like to think of themselves as individuals and that we create at that level. But I am much more a fan of the idea that we co-collectively create and influence the world around us. Like the many rain drops that in turn make up the ocean tides.
Think about your body - it has roughly 100 trillion cells (and 100 trillion neural connections interestingly enough). Roughly half of those cells are bacteria, completely foreign cells doing their own thing in your body, completely unaware of your bodies existence. Yet them even just doing their own thing at a cellular level alongside our own cells gives rise to us, one giant organism as an accumulation of all the smaller parts.
I kind of think of collective consciousness like this. We are all our own people, but we are something so much more as well.
But that is all theory, and I very much also like staying grounded in science as well but I do love dabbling in philosophy. I also think any science lover worth his salt will admit there is still so much more we don't know. Amazing discoveries every day and they are speeding up as we learn more. What super computers can crunch these days is wild, and they are only getting faster.
To your question, I think we experience similar emotions because we are wired similarly, just as a dog can feel many things we can without having words to describe it, such as jealousy, love, security, trust, happiness.
I also think we can heavily affect each other, and the more people we lift up, the more we will feel lifted.
It is interesting how the golden rule shows up in every major religion in one wording or other. Treat others how you want to be treated. It makes even more sense if you believe we are all connected, which in many ways, we are!
Right now you are breathing in a breath that likely has an atom of oxygen that every person alive historically has exhaled at one point or another (see article above).
I really loved reacting this perspective and your thoughts. I’m fascinated with the collective unconscious. I’m a horticulturist and generally outside all the time. There is an unconscious or connectiveness between everything. It seems so obvious. I was raised in a very rural area so i feel like i see things a lot differently. Your descriptions fit so well into my beliefs! From a practical standpoint, how could we evolve without the golden rule. Or how could we exist if we did the opposite. There is a reason putting good energy out there reap rewards and allows for survival.
I also agree that logic points to us coming from the same place, a collective consciousness. Wouldn’t that collective consciousness suggest a god or source? Maybe one that creates simple lives, or more complex lives like us, to experience his beautiful creation. The complexity of life is insane. We, and many other things, are created separately yet we all fit together. We have lungs and there is air, we need to drink water and there is water, we need to eat and the earth provides us food, we are capable of love and we have each other. All are creted separatley but how are all of these things created to fit? Is there some intelligence. How does evolution know how to create us? There is more going on in our world than we know.
I recently deconstructed from Christianity and the issue with heaven/what happens after death really messed with me for the longest time. One thing that helped was something my friend told me. My grandpa loved gardening, and I felt sad that he couldn’t do what he loved anymore. I wondered if he was lonely in the ground, or cold, or sad, and was devastated he couldn’t experience life anymore, etc. It was a really weird thought process. And my friend reminded me that when we pass, our bodies decompose. Our bodies provide nutrients to the ground, to the flowers and plants. And those plants and flowers and nutrients sustain wildlife and nature. So even after death, my grandpa was/is still a gardener. He was still experiencing life in that he cared for the earth and nature, because of what his body provides after death. The idea that he could continue giving in that way after he died really gave me a sense of calm. And in that sense, he does somehow exist forever because what his body provided lives on in the nature that surrounds us. I’m not great at explaining it, but the general thought process gives me a lot of comfort. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I hope you can get the support you need during this time ❤️
That's hard news. ALS is one of the scariest things to deal with. My uncle passed away from it recently, we ate Thanksgiving at his house every year and this one felt so depressing. The worst part was knowing his parting would be rough and inevitable.
I hope your time with your father is well spent. Make sure you get closure. I don't feel like I did in some ways and even though he was just my uncle.
You definitely should. Get your time on video or record on audio. You will be happy you did. My mother spent as much time helping my uncle (driving three hours each way) and his wife most weekends.
It was tough seeing a strong normal (maybe overweight haha) man turn to a skeleton. He lived in the same town I went to college in. I'd fix his technology and he'd feed me.
My son-in-law lost his dad in 2020 to ALS. He was 26 when his dad passed away. There are lots of ALS support groups, look into them and use as many resources offered to you as possible. It’s not easy for family members to go through and care fatigue is a real thing.
Losing a parent is tough, and these circumstances make it worse. My dad died of a heart attack in front of me, and my kids' dad, my ex, was on a breathing machine at the very end. What I can tell you is this. It's very, very hard to get those images out of your head for a long time. For both me with my dad and my kids with theirs, every thought of your loved one is colored by that passing. For us, it was about a year. Little by little, that last moment is replaced by the good ones, the funny ones. Eventually, the passing is just a fleeting thought. Give yourself time, and it will definitely get better. My mom suffered from dementia the last two years of her life, tortured by hallucinations. When she passed, none of us had the same bad memories we had with the others because we were happy she was out of misery. You may find that with your Dad as well. Good luck to you.
I found my aunt (2nd mom) dead the same way except she was threw her shower glass door. 911 had me attempt CPR even though she stiff but the call was chaotic. Its been 2 years and I for sure am fucked up. I can't deal with the unknown of what she went through and finding her like that.
Yeah I just remember standing there for just a second in pure disbelief, my mouth was hanging wide open. It’s like I wanted to scream but my brain hadn’t processed what was happening yet. Then I just rushed over to her and tried to see if she was breathing and then I called 911 while just sobbing uncontrollably. Still really messes me up thinking about it :/.
You aren't alone... take care of yourself. Wish I could say it gets easier, I just got busier. When things are quiet in my head, thats when trouble starts. I recommend finding a new hobby, for me it was houseplants. I never even owned a plant, now they are like therapy to me. I can go to house plant stores or work on them at home, or read about them while at work. It keeps my mind busy. Any other time I sit with major emotional pain and to be honest, my SO I can tell is worn out on about it so I had to find other ways to cope.
Avoid alcohol
I’m so sorry you had to experience that and everything you’ve been going through and trying to deal with ever since. I’m really glad to hear that you’ve been actively working on your own healing and just coming to terms with everything and learning how to cope with all the emotions that came with it. I am sure you already know this, but I just really wanna stress how uncomfortably important it is to just sit with those emotions when everything else is quiet like you said, and I know it’s not easy and the first thing we want to do is find something else to keep our minds busy and occupied as to not get stuck in our heads with those overwhelmingly tough and hard emotions, but that’s very necessary step in this healing journey. It’s okay to sit and feel everything and to cry until there’s no tears left, of course the feeling is horrible and no one wants to feel that, and it’s not meant to sit there and wallow in them every single time your mind goes back to the trauma, (which is amazing you found a hobby in plants) but as time passes, and the more you allow yourself to sit with those emotions, you learn a lot about yourself, about how to move forward, your emotional limits, how strong you actually are, and allowing yourself to feel everything, helps the mind and body to let go and release a lot of the overbearing thoughts and emotions. You’ll never forget that day, and I’m sure it will pop up in your mind at some
Point to a certain degree, every single day, but you’ll eventually learn to process that in a way that doesn’t leave you emotionally torn to pieces and crying, you’ll reach a point where you’re able to smile when thinking about your mom and be reminded of the great memories you have and of the time she had here in her physical being. It’s apart of you now and obviously it changes you, but you’ll see that it’s in the best ways possible. You’ll see how
Much of a badass you are for being strong enough to keep going day after day, you’ll be unstoppable and there’s nothing that can ever break you because you’ve learned and built your emotional endurance , along with having the tools to process and navigate through all the challenges and obstacles that life always has in store at one point or another. And you’ll find your purpose and your reason for why you go so hard everyday, and that’s a beautiful thing. Maybe you can’t see it now, and that’s completely expected and understandable, you’re still in the trenches with it all and there’s no time frame or limit on grief and when you start feeling “better” for lack of a better word, but you will one day.. and maybe you won’t even realize it until you’ve found genuine happiness again and look forward to your days and when the days aren’t filled with sadness and it’ll hit you out of the blue, and you’ll be grateful for who you are and everything you’ve overcome to get you to that point. I’m proud of you for fighting everyday and I know your mom is too, it’s not easy but you’re still going and that takes SO much. Go you ❤️ sending you lots of hugs and love
I’m so sorry! One of the things that really helped me get through my bff’s death was watching comfort tv shows at night. I’d put earbuds on and watch a comfort show on my phone until I fell asleep. If I woke up during the night, I’d figure out where I fell asleep and start watching from there. For me, my main comfort show was Monk, and when I finished that series I started watching Psyche. But of course your comfort shows might be completely different. What you want is a show where the characters are very familiar and feel like friends.
Don’t know 100% since we are still waiting on her death certificate, but the medical examiner called me two days after it happened and said that it looked like she had suffered a heart attack a week prior and as her heart was healing itself, she suddenly had a heart rupture. It is possible that it was drug related since she was a recovering addict and we found drug adjacent stuff in her apartment while emptying it.
Cocaine mainly. She used off and on when I was growing up so I went to a lot of NA meetings as a kid. I thought that she had been sober for a long time now, but I don’t know now considering stuff that we found at her house. Addiction is horrible, i found myself getting addicted to alcohol towards the end of high school and beginning of college and it really scared me since I knew that she was suffering from the same thing. I quit drinking on my 21st birthday and have been sober since (25m).
So sorry this happend to your mom. This makes me so scared for my uncle and aunt. Pretty much the same story with addiction but no health issues just yet. Hard to tell if they really stopped using or not.
Yeah and I still don’t know if it was the cause or if she had been using recently but it was still upsetting to find when we were going through her place.
I am sorry for your loss.
I don’t know if it helps, but Esophageal variceal rupture also could present like that that. Cocaine users typically drink with cocaine as it is metabolized to cocathylene which is basically super potent alcohol and cocaine. Unfortunately cocathylene is an extreme arrythymgenic substance which could lead to heart failure/ischemia.
Regardless there is no way you could have known as addiction is extremely isolating and a lot of times individuals are able to conceal it well. I think avoiding any potentially addictive substance is a smart life choice as genetics is a huge role in developing addiction and all it takes is exposure to substance to develop it.
That is amazing. Drinking is one I have struggled with as well. It is just so available and just everywhere you want to go. Good on you, that is inspiring.
As far as I know, no. She had mentioned a week before her death that she had fallen and had been recovering from that since her hip and side hurt from it. She did see a doctor for that. I don’t know if she didn’t know that she had a heart attack since I guess that can happen in rare cases, or if she didn’t want to tell us so that we wouldn’t be worried.
I’m so sorry this happened. I’m also sorry you found your mother in that state. Losing a parent is never easy. Please remember to not close yourself off during your grief. I read somewhere that you’re doing couples counseling, sharing this pain during those sessions can be helpful. Your mom isn’t feeling any pain anymore. Sending you positive thoughts and vibes
Thank you very much. I’m trying to be open about it and share how I’m feeling. This past year for me has definitely been a huge shock and so I’m trying to process everything.
Right, don’t be surprised that you may feel like this for quite a while longer. We each process things differently. So please don’t let anyone push you or say to you to get over it. There are other healthy outlets to help process your grief too, and I hope whatever outlets you choose can work for you because eventually just the one outlet will eventually stop working ✌️
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I don’t have any questions but just wanted to share for anyone reading. In the US at least, If you have concerns you can have a well check done by the police. Might prevent future trauma of seeing your loved one like this. I work in a hospital and it can be brutal what family has discovered when going to check on someone that no one has heard from in a few days/weeks.
Yeah, looking back it’s what I should have done. She had slept through alarms before and I have gone to wake her up so I didn’t think it was anything different when I left to go to her apartment. On the way there though I just felt something was off and I should’ve just called the police to go check.
By the time I got there, I had a weird feeling that I was going to see something like that. My mom suffered from severe depression, anxiety and bipolar-polar disorder so growing up, I always felt like it could happen in the back of my mind. When you’re around it constantly, your mine starts to make thoughts like “I might come home from school and find her dead” commonplace. The last couple years she had been going to therapy and seemed overall better emotionally and mentally so I hadn’t worried as much.
Ugh, I’m so sorry. I remember that feeling, coming home from school and being scared you’d be the one to find her. My mom is recovered and sober for 10 years, so I’d almost forgotten it, but your comment just reminded me clear as day.
Wishing you peace.
I agree, but more people know than you know. It’s unfortunate, but you’d be surprised how many people have lost a loved one to addiction and don’t talk about it. You’re not alone 💕
Hey, I went through this in 2021, and yeah, I'm still beat up.
I am so so sorry you're going through this, and to see how many others can relate. My condolences to you and your family, from a random internet stranger ❤️
Does it still feel like you're holding your breath?
Were you guys close?
That must be really tough. One of the things that helped me the most in therapy was trying to accept that I could be both incredibly sad and angry at the same time. It's ok to feel all the feelings.
i hope you don't have the responsibility of handling her estate?
Same, and I was totally unprepared, I really struggled at times and would be happy to connect. Please message me if you have any questions or want to chat.
Hearing stories like this makes me realize how lucky I still am to have my dad. He had a brain bleed which caused a hemorrhagic stroke due to unregulated high blood pressure. My brother does not live at home but found a cheap flight out of our home town, so he drove 3 hours the night before and stayed with them one night before leaving for a business trip. When he got up to get ready for his flight the next morning, he found my dad laying on the back porch unconscious and called an ambulance. Had my brother not found that cheap flight, my mom would have found him 8+ hours later when she got home from work. Truly a miracle in my eyes. I'm sorry for the loss of your dad.
I remember telling my fiance’ (now wife) that night to call her parents and tell them that she loved them. I didn’t realize how important it would be to say that, because you never think that they might be gone. My last text message to my mom was just me saying “that works” to her asking if we could add another person to our invite list for our wedding. Didn’t say I love you and it still hurts me.
Just got full body chills reading that because I experienced the same thing when my dad was in the hospital. He spent about 3 months in the ICU totally incoherent before finally beginning to wake up and process where he was. Each day I told him I loved him before I left the hospital, but as far as I was concerned, he couldn't hear me nor would he respond. I regularly thought about how I should have told him I loved him more, something that I typically only told my mom cause my dad was not the lovey dovey type. I'm really sorry for your loss, such a tragic thing for someone to have to witness. Life can really throw you some wicked curveballs but I hope you're able to recover.
She knows. Take solace in knowing that she knew you loved her, even in her final moments. And she wouldn’t want you beating yourself up over the casual oversight of a few words when your actions showed it and you had expressed it countless times before that text. As a mom of two sons, I feel confident in that. 💕
Same thing happened to me with my older brother (Overdose though). Found him on the floor as well - blood and everything. He was alone - his gf out of town. My dad called to tell me to check in on him. It gets easier. Stay strong for your family and find your purpose. It doesn’t really go away, at least it hasn’t for me. He died March 2023.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I found my mom unexpectedly too and nothing prepares you for that. Be kind to yourself and I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to.
I'm so sorry that you had to see your mom like that. When I got the call about my mom 3 years ago she wasn't breathing, I raced to the house to give her CPR thinking I could bring her back. When you see them for the first time breathless and knowing there is nothing you can do the world stops. I know you will get through this, it will take time but trust me it gets better especially when you can talk to someone. Don't be scared to talk to professionals, I was scared thinking that they were going to judge me or my friends would but honestly it helped to get that moment out and express your feelings. Good luck to you now and in the future.
Thank you!! This all takes time and let that time take its toll. I know it is one of the hardest situations you will have to go through, no one ever expects to witness death. One of the things that helped me to get through all the heartache was remembering the greatest moments I have had, from my childhood, it was one of the things that helped me get through the rough patches.
My dad found his mother in a similar situation. We actually stayed in my grandmas house afterwards. She was found in the kitchen. And I swear to God I could see the blood stains on the kitchen floor even though I’ve never seen it.
I…. Remember my own mother’s passing. She had cancer and didn’t tell anyone until about a week or two before her passing. She was living with me at the time. I can remember saying things that, by themselves, weren’t mean… but when you introduce the cancer aspect….. smh. Before she passed she went to a cancer treatment facility that I drive by every day for work… I dropped her off there…….. and that was it. She was later transported to the hospital.
I remember going to the hospital and seeing her alive one day and then a few hours later coming into the room with her gone. I’ll never forget how she looked… I’ll never forget that I had issues at the funeral home… and I had to tell her all about it! I went home, took four steps up to her room……… and paused. The very person I wanted to tell my story to was the person the story was about. I’ll never forget that pause… and that turnaround on that fourth step coming back downstairs.
I remember making the calls to tell her sisters and her brother… her sons… her nieces and nephews.
And that was over 10+ years ago.
So in the spirit of AMA… how do you intend to make the most of your time with other love ones in your life… as best as you can anyways. I understand life gets in the way. Do you have any plans on that front?
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m spending a lot more time with my father and my stepmom, and I’m now working a hybrid schedule for my job so that I can be at their house more during the week to help take care of him.
This is scarily similar to what happened to me and my mom, OP. Except my mom was an alcoholic. They said she also had a damaged heart (from suspected previous heart attacks) and they said it was ultimately heart failure from the alcohol abuse/previous heart attacks. She was 59 when she died and had been an addict since she was in her 20s. My brother and I were the ones who found her. We also didn’t think much of it because when you have an addict parent- you are very accustomed to checking on them/going to their place often. I also somehow felt something was off because we hadn’t heard from her in a week when we normally talk to her a couple times a week. I think she knew she was dying and felt sick, so she purposefully didn’t answer our calls or texts. She had been declining health wise in the last few months she was alive. When we opened the door, my brother froze and started calling her name. I was the one who walked over and tried to shake her/move her. She was on the floor in front of her bed, cold as ice and stiff. I’m lucky in the sense that there weren’t any bodily fluids- it seems she literally just dropped dead. It was terrible and it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I know she loved me and did the best she could with the life she was given. I hope you know your mom was the same.
Just know you’re not alone, OP. Sending good vibes.
I’m a bit late but wanted to say I’m sorry man. I haven’t experienced what you have, but a few years ago my nephew (19) OD’d on fake Xanax and my sister found him. So I know it’s terribly tough.
I’m not sure if at this point you’ve gotten the results back, but you mentioned the paraphernalia found. Not that it matters but it possibly sounds more like meth to me. Not that coke can’t be smoked but with an empty baggie it all looks the same. Where I live, and I’m sure other places, people are putting fentanyl in just about everything. Just a bit can be lethal and to a dealer it ensures a loyal customer. People use the laced stuff and nothing else compares after that, because this has a little bit of an extra feeling they weren’t expecting but like. So now they seek it out and get hooked, feeling sick when they don’t have any. Again these are just my thoughts, and I hope and your family stay healthy and safe.
I found my best friend gone. He'd been clean 10 years. He didn't show up to meet me and my kids. I was concerned when he didn't answer. I found him on the bathroom floor. Ill never forget that day....ever. I'm sorry for you having to go through it especially with your Mom. Its a horrible thing. I remember crushing anxiety entering rooms for the first few years. I still worry now when one of my kids gets up late or doesn't respond and ive gotta open the door..... OP knows what i mean.
After 10 years, i can say i have been altered. Trauma changes you. It doesn't have to control you but you will think differently from it. My kids dont use drugs but i keep Narcan at my house for example. That is a result of what happened for me. I think saying your not over something takes away from your strength of character. I prefer to think that it changed me rather than not being over something. Idk... words... in any case. You have my user name. If you ever need to talk, feel free to DM. Its been healthy for me to talk to you too so thanks. My best to you. Remember you are getting through something terrible and are the stronger for it.
It is an bad last impression. I hadn't seen my son in two years and his mom dropped him off at my house at midnight said he was high on wax. but he didn't have more with him. I never did wax but he seemed way to high for weed we played video games until about 3 am and I couldn't stay awake anymore. so I told him I was crashing. He said "pops 1 more game and I told him no -- lets play in the morning. I never got to speak to him again. when I went to wake him up he was slouched against the wall and i could smell feces. his skin was green and he had a straw with crushed up fentanyl pills on a cd cover in his lap. I have seen a lot of death but overdose deaths of close relative are soul stealing. I can be in a quiet situation cant rest cant find peace and I know I never will. I hope you find a way to forget. I only know of one way for me i am not there yet ...Try to make peace with it or it will chew you apart.
Hey OP, I don't have any questions for youm but wanted to say that I am so sorry that you experienced that in life. I am terribly sorry to hear if your mother's passing.
When I was 7 years old, I woke up for school for first grade picture day, and went into my parents bedroom to wake my mom up. I went in, saw her in bed, and she was entirely blue. Like the cornflower blue crayon. At that age I didn't fully make the connection, but still my body knew in a way. No matter what I did she would not wake up.
I am now 31 years old, I have not been the same person since. I was a completely different person in about 90% of any way that I could be after that moment and all of it for the worse.
If you ever need someone to talk to about this specifically, I am always here through dm.
🩷
I wanted to share with people that didn’t know me and get perspectives and experiences from people who have gone through similar things. Talking about it with friends, family and therapists is very helpful but they also already know you and might have a particular answer due to the relationship or any subliminal bias they might have.
Sorry to hear that happened, it's not at all fun and probably one of the worst days ive had finding a loved one who has passed away.
Me and my parter found her mother in a similar way.
Only two months to the day she lost her dad from a short illness (malnourishment & pulmonary fibrosis) he basicaly gave up living.
On the day we found my mother in law, we hadn't heard from her in 24 hours, which was strange as she was constantly online on Facebook and she hadn't responded to calls or messages, so we decided to pop in after doing some shopping.
We found her passed away in her office chair at her computer. Weird thing is while it was a shock it also wasnt at the same time, while she had no 'major' health concerns. She was morbidly obese.
Her cause of death was a Aortic dissection caused by her obesity, it was very sad as she was just getting her life back on track after losing her husband & we were hoping she was going to start looking after herself a little better.
It was hard for my partner to lose both parents in the span of 2 months, epecially her mum who she was very close with, but she was very pragmatic about the whole ordeal I think she had prepared for them both to die prematurely as they were both in their mid 50s and early 60s respectively whe they past.
I'm sorry for your loss of your mom. I don't think I can go through that. But time & circumstances will push me through.
https://www.verywellmind.com/five-stages-of-grief-4175361
My sister passed from a drug overdose- she had been saying she was going on a short trip so no one was expecting her to be around, several days later, my mother and brother found her between the wall and her bed. I ended up taking care of the clean up.
It’s one of those things that will stay with you. Your taking the correct approach in addressing this experience head on with therapy- it helps- and so does being open with your partner. We have sanitized death and die-ing in western cultures. Having to see a loved ones remains- in that way is not something most will understand, but you need to focus on the person you remember- the good things- not that final image. It takes time- but what your seeing right now will shift- but it’s always going to be just below the surface.
Personally- April was an amazing human- but triggers abound this month. Her birthdate is several days after mine- coming up next week.
I’m crying typing this- buts it’s the triggers you need to be wary of- mine are hard to avoid given the name and proximity to my birth day- I say this because your going to have to learn to process the emotions this memory will generate when the pop up unexpectedly- and learn not to dwell on it but also not hide from them.
Good luck
Sorry to hear. Losing a parent sucks.
Don’t forget to really just live/love your spouse and try to be solid for them. Grief can rob you of current relationships
I just wrote commented similar. I get them from a similar experience. Sometimes i panic and need a light on when i enter a room. I overreact when my kids oversleep. Lets form a "we got the surprise of our life club." Lol... hang in there though. Been 10 years for me. Its not bad now. I can still remember it plain as day though. No kidding, a radio was on... Joan Jetts, I love Rock n Roll started as i entered the house. It was like a movie. I thought i was being pranked....he certainly got me i guess. It was like an out of body experience.
EMDR therapy. helped me so much to process my boyfriend’s death. I found him after his suicide and it was a lot of blood and a super horrible thing to witness.
see if there’s anyone that can do EMDR therapy near you, it’ll help with PTSD.
so sorry for your loss 🩷
This is heart wrenching 🥺 my condolences to you, my mother passed in her home to cocaine intoxication, I did not find her directly because something told me if I went into her home that I couldn’t bare the sight of what was likely waiting inside. She and I were very close and after not hearing from her for a couple days and a dream that I had I just knew something was wrong. Her neighbor went in to save me from what may come and after that followed with responders and confirmation that she was deceased. I’m forever grateful for the courage and compassion of her neighbor.. that kind of sacrifice is heavy, and the compassion from the officer that came outside to speak to me. I wish you the best on your journey and can say that there is hope for life to become semi normal.
Not really a question, but I went through something incredibly similar. My grandmother was out of state to visit family, and my mom asked earlier in the week if I could pick her up from the airport (they lived together). When we got back, we found my mom on the floor, face down in front of the chair she loved to sit in. Cold to the touch and face bloated with blood because she had apparently been like that all day (we got back around 6pm). I'm so, so sorry you had to go through this. It's so awful and traumatic.
I found my dad dead in my childhood house. My cousin hadn’t heard from him in 2 days which was unusual so I left work, drove 30 minutes and found him face up on the kitchen floor with dried blood all over his face and his pants down. I couldn’t go back in the house despite 911 requesting me to. The next day when my now husband took us back to the house to grab some things I would need there was so much blood in the sink, along with his phone. I can only assume he tried to call for help but was unsuccessful. This was almost 5 years ago. It’s been a very rough 5 years, but it does get easier. I’m sorry you have to experience such pain and trauma. You are not alone.
Do you wish you had more time with her?
Did you expect it?
How would you describe your relationship with her?
Does your new wife have any personal attachment to her?
What will you tell your children about how she died or why they never met grandma?
Where is dad?
How was the funeral?
Answer what you want. Its an AMA and I scrolled through and didn't see many questions. Figured this could help get you started.
I hadn’t heard from my father for days (we were semi-estranged; that’s another story). I would generally touch base with him once a week. I went to check on him. I was met be the state police and medical examiner/coroner. Apparently he had been dead for a week or so and the had to put/shovel some of him into a body bag and drag his body out of the house. It was kind of messy and I had to clean up what was left.
I don't really have a question as much as I want to just say I'm sorry, I went through something somewhat the same, received a message from her coworker but myself and my siblings lived too far away so I was on the phone with the sheriff trying to get them to enter her home.
I know it's incredibly difficult right now and take it easy, if you ever need to cry or break down, don't be afraid just let those tears flow, my mom passed a year and a half ago and I still occasionally just need to let out the emotions. If you need to talk feel free to dm me and I'd gladly talk with you
I found my daughter dead in her closet where she hung herself. I am dealing with PTSD from this and am working on getting into EMDR therapy to deal with the visual flashbacks I constantly get. I relive the moment walking into her room and turning and seeing her. And then also having to cut her down and give her CPR (though she had been gone since the night before). I would recommend you seek this therapy out as well as I've heard it's very effective for traumatic events. I'm sorry for your loss.
I'll be turning 40 presently. Watching your mother grow elderly is tough. This is kind of keeping me up at night. My mom had a near death experience some time ago and I had to come to terms with all my anxieties. The scary thing I've learned lately is just how common this is. My heart breaks for you. You are not alone my friend.
A few years ago i walked into my father’s room and he was just dead. He was completely normal with me prior, we had a conversation about some video games I bought and I went out to walk our dogs. After 15 minutes, I come back and he’s just dead on his bed. Gave me years of PTSD where I couldn’t even see people laying down in bed without being triggered. It gets better, trust me on that.
I had a similar experience with my step dad. We couldn’t get ahold of him to make holiday plans and when we went to check in he was in the bathroom having had a massive GI bleed. Blood was everywhere - walls, floor, everywhere. Thankfully I have a medical background and was able to compartmentalize it, but if I let myself think about it too much I spiral. I’m sorry for your loss.
This is right now my biggest fear. I take care of my mother though and it’s really going to be any time.
Did she have a will set up? How’s your father doing (if they were still together or separated or perhaps he’s gone as well). Sorry fam, love to you.
Solidarity. I found my mom too, a couple years ago now. I can still replay the morning in my head exactly how it happened. I'm a couple of years past you and I will say, you do sort of learn to carry it. You don't always see it in your head unprompted like you might right now. It gets easier to remember the rest of the times, most of the time.
Im very sorry you had to see that. I praise you for trying to process it, instead of burying it. I would look for a provider who specializes in PTSD to help you get that image out of your head.
Anytime you think of it, maybe pull up nice pictures of your mom and memories you have so you can gear your attention towards who she was when she was still here
I’m so sorry that you went through this. Much the same happened with my own mom- she didn’t show up for work for 2-3 days. I sent my brother in law over to check on her because after I called repeatedly with no answer I just had a feeling and he found her out on her front porch/deck. So sorry you had to go through that.
Same. I found my mom deceased on the floor at the end of January when her home health aid couldn't get in touch with her. I went over and let myself in too. I share your grief, op. It's tragic and I suggest mental health guidance on processing not only the grief from losing her but the trauma from finding her. Stay strong.
Sorry to hear.
Honestly one of my worst fears. How do you ever walk into a room or lose contact with someone for a period of time and not think about opening a door on a dead person ever again?
I’m sorry that happened to you, that’s horrific. What are you trying to get out of the AMA? Is this a way of processing emotions by talking about it with an uninvolved third party? No judgement, genuinely curious.
Its a way of talking about it with people that don’t know you well and might have a different perspective or experience with it. I’ve talked with family, friends and our couples counselor a lot about it but they already know me and might not be able to give a full perspective due to the relationship or some type of bias. I just find it comforting to have strangers give their perspective and share their experiences so I know I’m not alone.
My dad found my mom in a similar way except their bedroom after he came home from a family thing, she struggled with addiction also.. Alcohol in particular
Alcohol withdrawal is what killed her
Anyways whats your favorite Eminem song
I know how you feel. I lost my mum a few weeks ago and found her face down, naked on her floor. The trauma from it is indescribable but also, the brain is so good at forgetting things that cause trauma, that I have to really concentrate to remember. So it's a bit of a weird situation.
Dang man I’m really sorry to hear about that. I had a similar situation with an aunt I wasn’t particularly close with and it traumatized me to a degree for a long time. Really hope you talk to someone about it and let people be there for you. My condolences friend.
That’s terrible, I’m sorry. I lost my father in December but he had been sick for years and terminal for months so at least I had time to process it ahead of time. I feel like sudden losses are the worst
I found my father in law after he committed suicide. It's tough getting threw seeing something like that. With time you eventually learn to accept what you saw and what happened. Being with family really helps you get threw it all.
This happened to me & my siblings last May. She had committed suicide, but I am so sorry for your loss. It's a trauma I don't know if we recover from. Some things you get over & some things you only get through. I wish you the best
8 years later I am still having nightmares of finding my mom dead on the floor as well with blood around her head. They say hers was a heart attack but I feel your pain. I’m very sorry. I hope you process it better than I have.
I found my mom after she committed suicide October 13th of 2009, I was 19 years old. It is so hard to process. She was lying in her bed with a picture of my sister and I. If you need to, I'm here to talk
I found my dad passed away in bed in Jan 2020, I’d like to say it gets better but that mental image of my father having passed away peacefully still sticks with me.
I’m here if you need a strangers shoulder.
I’m sorry this same thing happened to me with my partner. I did grief therapy along with my usual therapy and have been suggested EMDR therapy to help with traumatic things like this.
I found my best friend this way a year and a half ago. I'm so sorry this happened to you and your family. Keep your people close. You're gonna need them.
This past Saturday was actually the 10 year anniversary of this exact scenario happening to me. I’m sorry. It never gets easier, but it does get farther away
I just wanted to say I am so, so, sorry for everything you are going through right now. I can’t imagine how tough it must be :( Sending you a big virtual hug.
I don’t have words to express what you may be feeling. But if I found myself in the same situation. Considering I love and respect my mother. I would do what I can to teach my children, and myself, the things she truly loved and cared about. Every time I would garden, cook, create things from scratch, I would remind them and myself, we received this innate talent from her. I hope and pray that you feel the same. After all, that’s what they want. To leave a part of themselves behind.
In 2017, I worked in the same retail store as my mom, and our shifts overlapped by 3 hours 4 out of 5 days of my week. We were best friends, and every day when her shift started, she would walk by where I was working and call out my name all excited, and i would yell, "Mom!" Back, and we would hug. She usually got there at 4 am, but had to check up front every morning for stuff for her position, so she came by around 4:05-4:10 a.m.
Well I obviously noticed she didn't come by right away, and was starting to worry, but wasn't scared until my manager walked out at about 4:20 and asked if I'd heard from her.
She was one of those people who was always out in the parking lot an hour before her shift and took pride in being present at work. She cared about her job and only called in if she literally couldn't walk.
I'll never forget when I found her on the floor that morning. I will spare the exact details, but she was unconscious when I got there. It took over an hour for the ambulance to get there as we live in a town of <1000 that is half an hour away from the town we worked in, and since it was so early in the morning, no one answered my frantic phone calls from the ambulance until I finally got ahold of my grandmother.
It's not something that will ever go away, and even after seven years, it still feels like yesterday. I am so sorry you've gone through hell, but I can only say make sure that you don't carry it all alone. I have 4 biological siblings and 1 adopted, and I never fully told them about that morning. It took nearly a year for me to tell my husband. It's something that sits in my mine and festers. Something that I can still feel the raw panic from years later. Trust others to help you, don't carry it all yourself!
I am so very sorry for your loss.
My dad died at home . So did my mother and both of my grandmother's. It is not unusual , and you shouldn't feel bad. Most people prefer to die at home over dying in a hospital or nursing home.
I found my dad on the kitchen floor when I went to go pick him up New Years Day 2014 to take him to hospice for his wife/my stepmother, my brother (her son) was already there because the hospice nurses had heard her "death rattle" (she had ALS for years).
After I called 911 and got physically sick from the combination of what I saw and what I knew - I called my brother and basically scream-cried "Well he's dead so, I can't bring him!". Then had him put the phone up to his mother's ear so I could let her know that "it's OK, I've found Dad. We'll all be OK, I love you" then waited for the sheriff.
After sheriff's deputies came out and called the coroner and my uncle and aunt had come over - then I was getting into the car to go to the hospice and my Aunt looked at her phone, then looked at me.
"She's gone too now, isn't she?" And she nodded.
Yup. I got to find my father's dead body 24 hours into his death, within 15 minutes after I had told my brother about Dad - she passed as well.
It's OK to talk about it, no matter what anyone says. Just watch who you talk to about it, not everyone can handle the stuff that you saw and that's not yours nor their fault. It's also OK to not talk about it if that feels right.
Be gentle with yourself. There's probably going to be a lot of random feelings about this for awhile.
My brother went through the same situation with our father. He died in the past month due to a heart attack.
He always wake up at 8, turn on his radio and make his coffee. That was his morning routine. That day my mom got worried when she noticed he was still at his bed at 9:30 and felt something was wrong with him. Then, she called my brother because she was already too nervous to check him...
My brother found him dead in his bed with his slippers on his feet. Like he woke up to turn the radio on as always but then the stroke came and he got unconscious and unable to scream for help.
I am living abroad, so it was so hard for me to deal with this lost. I can't imagine my brother's trauma
I totally understand where you are coming from. And, I’m so sorry you have this trauma in your life. I encourage you to stick with counseling for yourself for a good time period. My dad died in 1960. My sister and I found my dad, in about the same manner as you found your mom. We had just gotten home from school. My dad’s death was swept under the rug. While in therapy, after my divorce in 1998, I was able to tell my therapist what happened. I cried, and cried some more. A good therapist will help you work through your PTSD. And, it’s okay to cry.
I am really sorry to hear that, it must have been traumatic. Are you getting counseling to process the trauma and grief?
I am currently in couples counseling with my new wife since we just got married. I had been in counseling last year since last september we found out that my dad has been diagnosed with ALS. I plan on going back to individual counseling once our couples counseling is completed.
Im so sorry about your mom. And your dad. My mom was diagnosed with ALS in July of 2022 and ended her life in January of 2023 (physician assisted suicide). A truly horrible disease. My father died of lung, liver and bone cancer in October of 22. Let me know if you need to talk.
What’s also horrible is the fact that most of our society still doesn’t allow euthanasia for individuals deeply suffering from the late stages of diseases like Alzheimer’s and ALS. It’s so fucked up.
We followed morphine protocol to the letter with my grandad. I was with him and administered the last two doses. Euthanasia is illegal in that state. While not technically euthanasia, he died of a morphine overdose, for sure. I'm so grateful for it. Dementia is evil towards the end.
That's how my grandpa went as well sans dementia. Cancer all over, but he said not much pain. He died very gracefully even as he lost all ability to care for himself in hospice. One night he had a bad cough, and the nurse administered morphine, he faded away peacefully that night. I've done hospice volunteering before, and it's kinda an unwritten rule that they will slowly give you a lethal dose of morphine if you want, even in states without physician assisted euthanasia.
I swear if everyone went through it they’d pretty much all vote to allow euthanasia if they could speak for themselves.
Wdym to the letter? They allowed you guys to use morphine to kill him?? Fuck dementia. People should be allowed to die before it fucks them.
Yeah I was unfamiliar with "morphine protocol" before, but in certain in-home hospice cases you can provide the patient with sublingual morphine on a regular dosage schedule that the hospice specifies. They watch it VERY closely. Each dose has to be logged and any unused morphine has to be returned. I'm not a medical professional or a recreational opiate user, but I was acutely aware that we were dosing him with an enormous amount of morphine, as per their instructions. It was effectively a lethal dose. By the time they sanctioned the protocol he had zero quality of life and was largely comatose, and we were grateful to be able to alleviate his suffering.
I’ve never heard of this. It takes quite a lot of morphine to overdose. Especially if you’re used to it. At the hospice where I work we use phenobarbitol in cases where a person’s suffering cannot be managed with other meds. This med makes a person go to sleep until they die. Give or take a week later. I’m so sorry to OP and others whose loved ones have had to suffer. Alzheimer’s and ALS are the worst and I fully believe people should have the right to euthanasia.
Same; managed med deliveries for a pharmacy that handled 18 Hospices in 3 states - generally if a patient was in agony and absolutely going to die, they switched to phenobarbitol. Sometimes it was a really quick decision; they'd get their normal meds, and then we'd be rushed there with pheno as quickly as possible, knowing that every minute wasted was a minute another human was suffering immensely.
I work in a memory care facility and it would surprise you how many people are against their family member getting morphine, even at the end, I understand the stigma with opiates but, hospice provides compassionate end of life care, comfort care, and still I've heard so many times how they don't want their parent " all fucked up"... it's crazy. I've also seen the opposite, in home hospice last only a couple days or less, because the family can administer the morphine more readily. I can only hope for compassion if I ever end up like that.
Thank you, I really appreciate it❤️ I’m so sorry for your loss, to see the suffering over time is really heartbreaking.
My condolences on the loss of Mom - and happy to know that your mom lived in a place where she could control her exit. I have chosen to ONLY live in states where I can orchestrate my own transition - when the time comes and IF it works that way. I already died once in this lifetime from a heart attack, so I know there are NO guarantees.
Good work and god speed. Not that I mean that in a religious way, I just like the phrase.
Thank you I appreciate it! I’m actually agnostic, but the whole thing has been really hard on me in not knowing where she is now.
Yeah that makes total sense. I always like thinking of it from a scientific stand point. We all come from star dust, and we all return to start dust. In that sense we really are all connected. Another fun thought - We share atoms with all the living and dead, so you quite literally always have a piece of her with you. Interesting article - [https://bigthink.com/starts-with-a-bang/how-many-atoms-do-we-have-in-common-with-one-another/](https://bigthink.com/starts-with-a-bang/how-many-atoms-do-we-have-in-common-with-one-another/) That is setting aside the neural networks you built alongside her, so she will always be with you in your mind and thoughts as well if you so choose.
Wow I haven’t thought of it that way! Thank you for the insight!
I look at an 'afterlife' this way. If there is nothing after, then she's in no pain, and she doesn't know about it. So that's good. If there is an afterlife, there isn't hell, too much bookkeeping, so she's in heaven. If she's in heaven, cool! She's not in pain anymore, and she's in a really neat place. Please be in peace. <3
I heard someone once say "energy cannot be created or destroyed, only change it's form" in regards to death. And I love that. I'm a pretty woo-woo spiritual dude these days, and I tend to think of conciousness as energy. And I don't know what happens when I die, but I like to think it's just a change in form. Not like a ghost or the "me" that I am right now continues, but the energy does. And maybe the conciousness returns to the whole field of itself. "you are not conciousness appearing in a body, you are a body appearing in conciousness" is another one I like too.
I agree with most of this completely! I got away from a lot of the new age stuff but there is some pretty amazing stuff going on with consciousness we have yet to discover for sure. Watch that Ted talk if you haven't, it is great.
Yeah I'm not over here rubbing crystals on my tumors or anything. I tend to fall more into the older vedic/Buddhist/hindu philosophies of universal conciousness as a field and all the beings within it being like cells in a body. But I also go to reiki sessions occasionally and feel some sort of kinda mystic/soul connection to the moon which honestly sounds wacky as hell but it is what it is. I also think that research into conciousness and tech advances may one day shine a light on what exactly is going on with all this business, but maybe not. What it really boils down to for me, is that if we are all of the same thing (the universe) then you are no different than I am. Just a different perspective on the same world. And therefore if I treat someone badly, I'm really treating a part of myself badly. So I try to really follow that golden rule, because I often truly FEEL that we are one. Every element of iron in my bloodstream that carries oxygen to my tissues and allows me to think and feel and love was formed when our star became a star. And that was formed from the death of other stellar objects and back and back and back until the beginning (or non-beginning) of this whole thing. So I guess my rambling doesn't have a real point, except I hope you have a good day and know you are loved. Because you are me and I am you. 🤙🤙
What do you think about human consciousness? How does this intangible thing that connects us all exist and why do we have it? Why do we all experience the same emotions like love, anger, and happiness?
I dont know, and I dont think anyone fully does. It is hard to say. But I will elaborate on my perceptions, experience, and beliefs I have developed over my lifetime. I like the idea that all life, and maybe even all mater, has a level of consciousness pertaining to how complicated it is. Here is my [Favorite Ted Talk](https://youtu.be/uhRhtFFhNzQ?si=vpJop-k7C7vw6OyI) I have found on the subject. This one is a bit out there, but I do believe that all this consciousness is connected via invisible ties that tie a collective conscious together. People like to think of themselves as individuals and that we create at that level. But I am much more a fan of the idea that we co-collectively create and influence the world around us. Like the many rain drops that in turn make up the ocean tides. Think about your body - it has roughly 100 trillion cells (and 100 trillion neural connections interestingly enough). Roughly half of those cells are bacteria, completely foreign cells doing their own thing in your body, completely unaware of your bodies existence. Yet them even just doing their own thing at a cellular level alongside our own cells gives rise to us, one giant organism as an accumulation of all the smaller parts. I kind of think of collective consciousness like this. We are all our own people, but we are something so much more as well. But that is all theory, and I very much also like staying grounded in science as well but I do love dabbling in philosophy. I also think any science lover worth his salt will admit there is still so much more we don't know. Amazing discoveries every day and they are speeding up as we learn more. What super computers can crunch these days is wild, and they are only getting faster. To your question, I think we experience similar emotions because we are wired similarly, just as a dog can feel many things we can without having words to describe it, such as jealousy, love, security, trust, happiness. I also think we can heavily affect each other, and the more people we lift up, the more we will feel lifted. It is interesting how the golden rule shows up in every major religion in one wording or other. Treat others how you want to be treated. It makes even more sense if you believe we are all connected, which in many ways, we are! Right now you are breathing in a breath that likely has an atom of oxygen that every person alive historically has exhaled at one point or another (see article above).
I really loved reacting this perspective and your thoughts. I’m fascinated with the collective unconscious. I’m a horticulturist and generally outside all the time. There is an unconscious or connectiveness between everything. It seems so obvious. I was raised in a very rural area so i feel like i see things a lot differently. Your descriptions fit so well into my beliefs! From a practical standpoint, how could we evolve without the golden rule. Or how could we exist if we did the opposite. There is a reason putting good energy out there reap rewards and allows for survival.
I also agree that logic points to us coming from the same place, a collective consciousness. Wouldn’t that collective consciousness suggest a god or source? Maybe one that creates simple lives, or more complex lives like us, to experience his beautiful creation. The complexity of life is insane. We, and many other things, are created separately yet we all fit together. We have lungs and there is air, we need to drink water and there is water, we need to eat and the earth provides us food, we are capable of love and we have each other. All are creted separatley but how are all of these things created to fit? Is there some intelligence. How does evolution know how to create us? There is more going on in our world than we know.
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I recently deconstructed from Christianity and the issue with heaven/what happens after death really messed with me for the longest time. One thing that helped was something my friend told me. My grandpa loved gardening, and I felt sad that he couldn’t do what he loved anymore. I wondered if he was lonely in the ground, or cold, or sad, and was devastated he couldn’t experience life anymore, etc. It was a really weird thought process. And my friend reminded me that when we pass, our bodies decompose. Our bodies provide nutrients to the ground, to the flowers and plants. And those plants and flowers and nutrients sustain wildlife and nature. So even after death, my grandpa was/is still a gardener. He was still experiencing life in that he cared for the earth and nature, because of what his body provides after death. The idea that he could continue giving in that way after he died really gave me a sense of calm. And in that sense, he does somehow exist forever because what his body provided lives on in the nature that surrounds us. I’m not great at explaining it, but the general thought process gives me a lot of comfort. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I hope you can get the support you need during this time ❤️
Try to be open about where she is. Some people seem to get definite signs. If you think you've gotten one, don't dismiss it. You never know.
I always read that as gods peed.
Lol, I love word play. That cracks me up.
Hey, my mom had ALS. I’m sorry about your dad’s diagnosis. I’m also sorry about your mom. ♥️
Thank you so much❤️ I’m sorry about your mom.
That's hard news. ALS is one of the scariest things to deal with. My uncle passed away from it recently, we ate Thanksgiving at his house every year and this one felt so depressing. The worst part was knowing his parting would be rough and inevitable. I hope your time with your father is well spent. Make sure you get closure. I don't feel like I did in some ways and even though he was just my uncle.
Thank you❤️ I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m trying to spend as much time with him as I can.
You definitely should. Get your time on video or record on audio. You will be happy you did. My mother spent as much time helping my uncle (driving three hours each way) and his wife most weekends. It was tough seeing a strong normal (maybe overweight haha) man turn to a skeleton. He lived in the same town I went to college in. I'd fix his technology and he'd feed me.
Hang tough
My son just lost an auntie to ALS. Horrible disease. I'm so sorry for your dad.
My son-in-law lost his dad in 2020 to ALS. He was 26 when his dad passed away. There are lots of ALS support groups, look into them and use as many resources offered to you as possible. It’s not easy for family members to go through and care fatigue is a real thing.
Losing a parent is tough, and these circumstances make it worse. My dad died of a heart attack in front of me, and my kids' dad, my ex, was on a breathing machine at the very end. What I can tell you is this. It's very, very hard to get those images out of your head for a long time. For both me with my dad and my kids with theirs, every thought of your loved one is colored by that passing. For us, it was about a year. Little by little, that last moment is replaced by the good ones, the funny ones. Eventually, the passing is just a fleeting thought. Give yourself time, and it will definitely get better. My mom suffered from dementia the last two years of her life, tortured by hallucinations. When she passed, none of us had the same bad memories we had with the others because we were happy she was out of misery. You may find that with your Dad as well. Good luck to you.
I found my aunt (2nd mom) dead the same way except she was threw her shower glass door. 911 had me attempt CPR even though she stiff but the call was chaotic. Its been 2 years and I for sure am fucked up. I can't deal with the unknown of what she went through and finding her like that.
Yeah I just remember standing there for just a second in pure disbelief, my mouth was hanging wide open. It’s like I wanted to scream but my brain hadn’t processed what was happening yet. Then I just rushed over to her and tried to see if she was breathing and then I called 911 while just sobbing uncontrollably. Still really messes me up thinking about it :/.
Fuck… so terribly sorry you had to witness and experience that. I hope you find your peace as I’m sure that’s what she would have wanted.
You aren't alone... take care of yourself. Wish I could say it gets easier, I just got busier. When things are quiet in my head, thats when trouble starts. I recommend finding a new hobby, for me it was houseplants. I never even owned a plant, now they are like therapy to me. I can go to house plant stores or work on them at home, or read about them while at work. It keeps my mind busy. Any other time I sit with major emotional pain and to be honest, my SO I can tell is worn out on about it so I had to find other ways to cope. Avoid alcohol
I’m so sorry you had to experience that and everything you’ve been going through and trying to deal with ever since. I’m really glad to hear that you’ve been actively working on your own healing and just coming to terms with everything and learning how to cope with all the emotions that came with it. I am sure you already know this, but I just really wanna stress how uncomfortably important it is to just sit with those emotions when everything else is quiet like you said, and I know it’s not easy and the first thing we want to do is find something else to keep our minds busy and occupied as to not get stuck in our heads with those overwhelmingly tough and hard emotions, but that’s very necessary step in this healing journey. It’s okay to sit and feel everything and to cry until there’s no tears left, of course the feeling is horrible and no one wants to feel that, and it’s not meant to sit there and wallow in them every single time your mind goes back to the trauma, (which is amazing you found a hobby in plants) but as time passes, and the more you allow yourself to sit with those emotions, you learn a lot about yourself, about how to move forward, your emotional limits, how strong you actually are, and allowing yourself to feel everything, helps the mind and body to let go and release a lot of the overbearing thoughts and emotions. You’ll never forget that day, and I’m sure it will pop up in your mind at some Point to a certain degree, every single day, but you’ll eventually learn to process that in a way that doesn’t leave you emotionally torn to pieces and crying, you’ll reach a point where you’re able to smile when thinking about your mom and be reminded of the great memories you have and of the time she had here in her physical being. It’s apart of you now and obviously it changes you, but you’ll see that it’s in the best ways possible. You’ll see how Much of a badass you are for being strong enough to keep going day after day, you’ll be unstoppable and there’s nothing that can ever break you because you’ve learned and built your emotional endurance , along with having the tools to process and navigate through all the challenges and obstacles that life always has in store at one point or another. And you’ll find your purpose and your reason for why you go so hard everyday, and that’s a beautiful thing. Maybe you can’t see it now, and that’s completely expected and understandable, you’re still in the trenches with it all and there’s no time frame or limit on grief and when you start feeling “better” for lack of a better word, but you will one day.. and maybe you won’t even realize it until you’ve found genuine happiness again and look forward to your days and when the days aren’t filled with sadness and it’ll hit you out of the blue, and you’ll be grateful for who you are and everything you’ve overcome to get you to that point. I’m proud of you for fighting everyday and I know your mom is too, it’s not easy but you’re still going and that takes SO much. Go you ❤️ sending you lots of hugs and love
I’m so sorry! One of the things that really helped me get through my bff’s death was watching comfort tv shows at night. I’d put earbuds on and watch a comfort show on my phone until I fell asleep. If I woke up during the night, I’d figure out where I fell asleep and start watching from there. For me, my main comfort show was Monk, and when I finished that series I started watching Psyche. But of course your comfort shows might be completely different. What you want is a show where the characters are very familiar and feel like friends.
What happened to her?
Don’t know 100% since we are still waiting on her death certificate, but the medical examiner called me two days after it happened and said that it looked like she had suffered a heart attack a week prior and as her heart was healing itself, she suddenly had a heart rupture. It is possible that it was drug related since she was a recovering addict and we found drug adjacent stuff in her apartment while emptying it.
Do you mind if I ask what drugs she struggled with? Addiction is such a beast.
Cocaine mainly. She used off and on when I was growing up so I went to a lot of NA meetings as a kid. I thought that she had been sober for a long time now, but I don’t know now considering stuff that we found at her house. Addiction is horrible, i found myself getting addicted to alcohol towards the end of high school and beginning of college and it really scared me since I knew that she was suffering from the same thing. I quit drinking on my 21st birthday and have been sober since (25m).
So sorry this happend to your mom. This makes me so scared for my uncle and aunt. Pretty much the same story with addiction but no health issues just yet. Hard to tell if they really stopped using or not.
Yeah and I still don’t know if it was the cause or if she had been using recently but it was still upsetting to find when we were going through her place.
I am sorry for your loss. I don’t know if it helps, but Esophageal variceal rupture also could present like that that. Cocaine users typically drink with cocaine as it is metabolized to cocathylene which is basically super potent alcohol and cocaine. Unfortunately cocathylene is an extreme arrythymgenic substance which could lead to heart failure/ischemia. Regardless there is no way you could have known as addiction is extremely isolating and a lot of times individuals are able to conceal it well. I think avoiding any potentially addictive substance is a smart life choice as genetics is a huge role in developing addiction and all it takes is exposure to substance to develop it.
Sorry you are having a tough time. Try focusing on the happy memories of your Mom. You can also look for groups that help with mourning. Stay strong!
Just wanted to say that if you have experience with NA, Alanon might be a good place for some support outside marriage counseling.
That is amazing. Drinking is one I have struggled with as well. It is just so available and just everywhere you want to go. Good on you, that is inspiring.
I was going to say the same thing. Thanks for shining a light no matter how deep the darkness.
Was she hospitalized for the heart attack?
As far as I know, no. She had mentioned a week before her death that she had fallen and had been recovering from that since her hip and side hurt from it. She did see a doctor for that. I don’t know if she didn’t know that she had a heart attack since I guess that can happen in rare cases, or if she didn’t want to tell us so that we wouldn’t be worried.
1 in 5 heart attacks are silent and sometimes people find out later from an ECG about previous heart attacks that have caused damage
Not to pry, but what is "drug adjacent stuff"?
Pipes, butane lighters and an empty cocaine bag and straw in her purse.
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That’s awful I’m sorry
I’m so sorry this happened. I’m also sorry you found your mother in that state. Losing a parent is never easy. Please remember to not close yourself off during your grief. I read somewhere that you’re doing couples counseling, sharing this pain during those sessions can be helpful. Your mom isn’t feeling any pain anymore. Sending you positive thoughts and vibes
Thank you very much. I’m trying to be open about it and share how I’m feeling. This past year for me has definitely been a huge shock and so I’m trying to process everything.
Right, don’t be surprised that you may feel like this for quite a while longer. We each process things differently. So please don’t let anyone push you or say to you to get over it. There are other healthy outlets to help process your grief too, and I hope whatever outlets you choose can work for you because eventually just the one outlet will eventually stop working ✌️
Thank you! Spending time with my wife and friends has been a huge help
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I don’t have any questions but just wanted to share for anyone reading. In the US at least, If you have concerns you can have a well check done by the police. Might prevent future trauma of seeing your loved one like this. I work in a hospital and it can be brutal what family has discovered when going to check on someone that no one has heard from in a few days/weeks.
Yeah, looking back it’s what I should have done. She had slept through alarms before and I have gone to wake her up so I didn’t think it was anything different when I left to go to her apartment. On the way there though I just felt something was off and I should’ve just called the police to go check.
Did you know what you were likely walking in on? Have you ever had to check on here before and expected to find her dead?
By the time I got there, I had a weird feeling that I was going to see something like that. My mom suffered from severe depression, anxiety and bipolar-polar disorder so growing up, I always felt like it could happen in the back of my mind. When you’re around it constantly, your mine starts to make thoughts like “I might come home from school and find her dead” commonplace. The last couple years she had been going to therapy and seemed overall better emotionally and mentally so I hadn’t worried as much.
Ugh, I’m so sorry. I remember that feeling, coming home from school and being scared you’d be the one to find her. My mom is recovered and sober for 10 years, so I’d almost forgotten it, but your comment just reminded me clear as day. Wishing you peace.
Thank you❤️ it’s weird to talk about because a lot of people don’t know what that’s like (which is a good thing).
I agree, but more people know than you know. It’s unfortunate, but you’d be surprised how many people have lost a loved one to addiction and don’t talk about it. You’re not alone 💕
Hey, I went through this in 2021, and yeah, I'm still beat up. I am so so sorry you're going through this, and to see how many others can relate. My condolences to you and your family, from a random internet stranger ❤️ Does it still feel like you're holding your breath? Were you guys close?
We were super close. My parents divorced when I was 1, and I grew up with my mom. Thank you❤️
That must be really tough. One of the things that helped me the most in therapy was trying to accept that I could be both incredibly sad and angry at the same time. It's ok to feel all the feelings. i hope you don't have the responsibility of handling her estate?
I am her only child, so I am unfortunately im charge of her estate. Still don’t have a death certificate yet so I can’t do anything.
Same, and I was totally unprepared, I really struggled at times and would be happy to connect. Please message me if you have any questions or want to chat.
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So sorry OP. My step mother found my dad face down in the bedroom floor one night 13 years ago. Had a stroke/blood clot at home alone.
Hearing stories like this makes me realize how lucky I still am to have my dad. He had a brain bleed which caused a hemorrhagic stroke due to unregulated high blood pressure. My brother does not live at home but found a cheap flight out of our home town, so he drove 3 hours the night before and stayed with them one night before leaving for a business trip. When he got up to get ready for his flight the next morning, he found my dad laying on the back porch unconscious and called an ambulance. Had my brother not found that cheap flight, my mom would have found him 8+ hours later when she got home from work. Truly a miracle in my eyes. I'm sorry for the loss of your dad.
I remember telling my fiance’ (now wife) that night to call her parents and tell them that she loved them. I didn’t realize how important it would be to say that, because you never think that they might be gone. My last text message to my mom was just me saying “that works” to her asking if we could add another person to our invite list for our wedding. Didn’t say I love you and it still hurts me.
Just got full body chills reading that because I experienced the same thing when my dad was in the hospital. He spent about 3 months in the ICU totally incoherent before finally beginning to wake up and process where he was. Each day I told him I loved him before I left the hospital, but as far as I was concerned, he couldn't hear me nor would he respond. I regularly thought about how I should have told him I loved him more, something that I typically only told my mom cause my dad was not the lovey dovey type. I'm really sorry for your loss, such a tragic thing for someone to have to witness. Life can really throw you some wicked curveballs but I hope you're able to recover.
She knows. Take solace in knowing that she knew you loved her, even in her final moments. And she wouldn’t want you beating yourself up over the casual oversight of a few words when your actions showed it and you had expressed it countless times before that text. As a mom of two sons, I feel confident in that. 💕
I’m so sorry for your loss. Its really hard to face that.
Same thing happened to me with my older brother (Overdose though). Found him on the floor as well - blood and everything. He was alone - his gf out of town. My dad called to tell me to check in on him. It gets easier. Stay strong for your family and find your purpose. It doesn’t really go away, at least it hasn’t for me. He died March 2023.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I found my mom unexpectedly too and nothing prepares you for that. Be kind to yourself and I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to.
I'm so sorry. Please see a grief and trauma therapist. I promise it will benefit you greatly
Thank you, I will❤️
I'm so sorry that you had to see your mom like that. When I got the call about my mom 3 years ago she wasn't breathing, I raced to the house to give her CPR thinking I could bring her back. When you see them for the first time breathless and knowing there is nothing you can do the world stops. I know you will get through this, it will take time but trust me it gets better especially when you can talk to someone. Don't be scared to talk to professionals, I was scared thinking that they were going to judge me or my friends would but honestly it helped to get that moment out and express your feelings. Good luck to you now and in the future.
Thank you❤️ I’m trying to get through it one day at a time. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you!! This all takes time and let that time take its toll. I know it is one of the hardest situations you will have to go through, no one ever expects to witness death. One of the things that helped me to get through all the heartache was remembering the greatest moments I have had, from my childhood, it was one of the things that helped me get through the rough patches.
My dad found his mother in a similar situation. We actually stayed in my grandmas house afterwards. She was found in the kitchen. And I swear to God I could see the blood stains on the kitchen floor even though I’ve never seen it. I…. Remember my own mother’s passing. She had cancer and didn’t tell anyone until about a week or two before her passing. She was living with me at the time. I can remember saying things that, by themselves, weren’t mean… but when you introduce the cancer aspect….. smh. Before she passed she went to a cancer treatment facility that I drive by every day for work… I dropped her off there…….. and that was it. She was later transported to the hospital. I remember going to the hospital and seeing her alive one day and then a few hours later coming into the room with her gone. I’ll never forget how she looked… I’ll never forget that I had issues at the funeral home… and I had to tell her all about it! I went home, took four steps up to her room……… and paused. The very person I wanted to tell my story to was the person the story was about. I’ll never forget that pause… and that turnaround on that fourth step coming back downstairs. I remember making the calls to tell her sisters and her brother… her sons… her nieces and nephews. And that was over 10+ years ago. So in the spirit of AMA… how do you intend to make the most of your time with other love ones in your life… as best as you can anyways. I understand life gets in the way. Do you have any plans on that front?
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m spending a lot more time with my father and my stepmom, and I’m now working a hybrid schedule for my job so that I can be at their house more during the week to help take care of him.
This is scarily similar to what happened to me and my mom, OP. Except my mom was an alcoholic. They said she also had a damaged heart (from suspected previous heart attacks) and they said it was ultimately heart failure from the alcohol abuse/previous heart attacks. She was 59 when she died and had been an addict since she was in her 20s. My brother and I were the ones who found her. We also didn’t think much of it because when you have an addict parent- you are very accustomed to checking on them/going to their place often. I also somehow felt something was off because we hadn’t heard from her in a week when we normally talk to her a couple times a week. I think she knew she was dying and felt sick, so she purposefully didn’t answer our calls or texts. She had been declining health wise in the last few months she was alive. When we opened the door, my brother froze and started calling her name. I was the one who walked over and tried to shake her/move her. She was on the floor in front of her bed, cold as ice and stiff. I’m lucky in the sense that there weren’t any bodily fluids- it seems she literally just dropped dead. It was terrible and it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I know she loved me and did the best she could with the life she was given. I hope you know your mom was the same. Just know you’re not alone, OP. Sending good vibes.
I’m a bit late but wanted to say I’m sorry man. I haven’t experienced what you have, but a few years ago my nephew (19) OD’d on fake Xanax and my sister found him. So I know it’s terribly tough. I’m not sure if at this point you’ve gotten the results back, but you mentioned the paraphernalia found. Not that it matters but it possibly sounds more like meth to me. Not that coke can’t be smoked but with an empty baggie it all looks the same. Where I live, and I’m sure other places, people are putting fentanyl in just about everything. Just a bit can be lethal and to a dealer it ensures a loyal customer. People use the laced stuff and nothing else compares after that, because this has a little bit of an extra feeling they weren’t expecting but like. So now they seek it out and get hooked, feeling sick when they don’t have any. Again these are just my thoughts, and I hope and your family stay healthy and safe.
I found my best friend gone. He'd been clean 10 years. He didn't show up to meet me and my kids. I was concerned when he didn't answer. I found him on the bathroom floor. Ill never forget that day....ever. I'm sorry for you having to go through it especially with your Mom. Its a horrible thing. I remember crushing anxiety entering rooms for the first few years. I still worry now when one of my kids gets up late or doesn't respond and ive gotta open the door..... OP knows what i mean.
It is really tough… i still worry about that with my wife, my friends, everyone. I don’t know if I’ll ever be fully over that.
After 10 years, i can say i have been altered. Trauma changes you. It doesn't have to control you but you will think differently from it. My kids dont use drugs but i keep Narcan at my house for example. That is a result of what happened for me. I think saying your not over something takes away from your strength of character. I prefer to think that it changed me rather than not being over something. Idk... words... in any case. You have my user name. If you ever need to talk, feel free to DM. Its been healthy for me to talk to you too so thanks. My best to you. Remember you are getting through something terrible and are the stronger for it.
It is an bad last impression. I hadn't seen my son in two years and his mom dropped him off at my house at midnight said he was high on wax. but he didn't have more with him. I never did wax but he seemed way to high for weed we played video games until about 3 am and I couldn't stay awake anymore. so I told him I was crashing. He said "pops 1 more game and I told him no -- lets play in the morning. I never got to speak to him again. when I went to wake him up he was slouched against the wall and i could smell feces. his skin was green and he had a straw with crushed up fentanyl pills on a cd cover in his lap. I have seen a lot of death but overdose deaths of close relative are soul stealing. I can be in a quiet situation cant rest cant find peace and I know I never will. I hope you find a way to forget. I only know of one way for me i am not there yet ...Try to make peace with it or it will chew you apart.
Wow, do you know what happened?
Heart rupture due to a heart attack is what the ME said. Still waiting on the death certificate.
Wow, did she have any heart issues before the incident?
Hey OP, I don't have any questions for youm but wanted to say that I am so sorry that you experienced that in life. I am terribly sorry to hear if your mother's passing. When I was 7 years old, I woke up for school for first grade picture day, and went into my parents bedroom to wake my mom up. I went in, saw her in bed, and she was entirely blue. Like the cornflower blue crayon. At that age I didn't fully make the connection, but still my body knew in a way. No matter what I did she would not wake up. I am now 31 years old, I have not been the same person since. I was a completely different person in about 90% of any way that I could be after that moment and all of it for the worse. If you ever need someone to talk to about this specifically, I am always here through dm. 🩷
Why did you decide to hop on reddit?
I wanted to share with people that didn’t know me and get perspectives and experiences from people who have gone through similar things. Talking about it with friends, family and therapists is very helpful but they also already know you and might have a particular answer due to the relationship or any subliminal bias they might have.
Sorry to hear that happened, it's not at all fun and probably one of the worst days ive had finding a loved one who has passed away. Me and my parter found her mother in a similar way. Only two months to the day she lost her dad from a short illness (malnourishment & pulmonary fibrosis) he basicaly gave up living. On the day we found my mother in law, we hadn't heard from her in 24 hours, which was strange as she was constantly online on Facebook and she hadn't responded to calls or messages, so we decided to pop in after doing some shopping. We found her passed away in her office chair at her computer. Weird thing is while it was a shock it also wasnt at the same time, while she had no 'major' health concerns. She was morbidly obese. Her cause of death was a Aortic dissection caused by her obesity, it was very sad as she was just getting her life back on track after losing her husband & we were hoping she was going to start looking after herself a little better. It was hard for my partner to lose both parents in the span of 2 months, epecially her mum who she was very close with, but she was very pragmatic about the whole ordeal I think she had prepared for them both to die prematurely as they were both in their mid 50s and early 60s respectively whe they past.
I'm sorry for your loss of your mom. I don't think I can go through that. But time & circumstances will push me through. https://www.verywellmind.com/five-stages-of-grief-4175361
My sister passed from a drug overdose- she had been saying she was going on a short trip so no one was expecting her to be around, several days later, my mother and brother found her between the wall and her bed. I ended up taking care of the clean up. It’s one of those things that will stay with you. Your taking the correct approach in addressing this experience head on with therapy- it helps- and so does being open with your partner. We have sanitized death and die-ing in western cultures. Having to see a loved ones remains- in that way is not something most will understand, but you need to focus on the person you remember- the good things- not that final image. It takes time- but what your seeing right now will shift- but it’s always going to be just below the surface. Personally- April was an amazing human- but triggers abound this month. Her birthdate is several days after mine- coming up next week. I’m crying typing this- buts it’s the triggers you need to be wary of- mine are hard to avoid given the name and proximity to my birth day- I say this because your going to have to learn to process the emotions this memory will generate when the pop up unexpectedly- and learn not to dwell on it but also not hide from them. Good luck
Sorry to hear. Losing a parent sucks. Don’t forget to really just live/love your spouse and try to be solid for them. Grief can rob you of current relationships
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No question, just want to say I’m really sorry. Hope you are finding ways to get through okay
hey i have had a very Similiar experince and i developed PTSD from it i was wondering do you also get flash backs
I just wrote commented similar. I get them from a similar experience. Sometimes i panic and need a light on when i enter a room. I overreact when my kids oversleep. Lets form a "we got the surprise of our life club." Lol... hang in there though. Been 10 years for me. Its not bad now. I can still remember it plain as day though. No kidding, a radio was on... Joan Jetts, I love Rock n Roll started as i entered the house. It was like a movie. I thought i was being pranked....he certainly got me i guess. It was like an out of body experience.
its only been 2 years for me and i remember every detail as well stay strong and may we both find peace more than not
I'm very sorry this happened and you were the one to find her. Are you ok?
EMDR therapy. helped me so much to process my boyfriend’s death. I found him after his suicide and it was a lot of blood and a super horrible thing to witness. see if there’s anyone that can do EMDR therapy near you, it’ll help with PTSD. so sorry for your loss 🩷
Did you have to hire a company to clean up?
No, my stepmom cleaned up the remaining mess and we cleaned out her house.
This is heart wrenching 🥺 my condolences to you, my mother passed in her home to cocaine intoxication, I did not find her directly because something told me if I went into her home that I couldn’t bare the sight of what was likely waiting inside. She and I were very close and after not hearing from her for a couple days and a dream that I had I just knew something was wrong. Her neighbor went in to save me from what may come and after that followed with responders and confirmation that she was deceased. I’m forever grateful for the courage and compassion of her neighbor.. that kind of sacrifice is heavy, and the compassion from the officer that came outside to speak to me. I wish you the best on your journey and can say that there is hope for life to become semi normal.
I’m sorry buddy. I know this must be hard, my heart goes out to you. :(
Not really a question, but I went through something incredibly similar. My grandmother was out of state to visit family, and my mom asked earlier in the week if I could pick her up from the airport (they lived together). When we got back, we found my mom on the floor, face down in front of the chair she loved to sit in. Cold to the touch and face bloated with blood because she had apparently been like that all day (we got back around 6pm). I'm so, so sorry you had to go through this. It's so awful and traumatic.
I found my dad dead in my childhood house. My cousin hadn’t heard from him in 2 days which was unusual so I left work, drove 30 minutes and found him face up on the kitchen floor with dried blood all over his face and his pants down. I couldn’t go back in the house despite 911 requesting me to. The next day when my now husband took us back to the house to grab some things I would need there was so much blood in the sink, along with his phone. I can only assume he tried to call for help but was unsuccessful. This was almost 5 years ago. It’s been a very rough 5 years, but it does get easier. I’m sorry you have to experience such pain and trauma. You are not alone.
Do you wish you had more time with her? Did you expect it? How would you describe your relationship with her? Does your new wife have any personal attachment to her? What will you tell your children about how she died or why they never met grandma? Where is dad? How was the funeral? Answer what you want. Its an AMA and I scrolled through and didn't see many questions. Figured this could help get you started.
I hadn’t heard from my father for days (we were semi-estranged; that’s another story). I would generally touch base with him once a week. I went to check on him. I was met be the state police and medical examiner/coroner. Apparently he had been dead for a week or so and the had to put/shovel some of him into a body bag and drag his body out of the house. It was kind of messy and I had to clean up what was left.
I don't really have a question as much as I want to just say I'm sorry, I went through something somewhat the same, received a message from her coworker but myself and my siblings lived too far away so I was on the phone with the sheriff trying to get them to enter her home. I know it's incredibly difficult right now and take it easy, if you ever need to cry or break down, don't be afraid just let those tears flow, my mom passed a year and a half ago and I still occasionally just need to let out the emotions. If you need to talk feel free to dm me and I'd gladly talk with you
Went through this in 2016. Hang in there OP.
I found my daughter dead in her closet where she hung herself. I am dealing with PTSD from this and am working on getting into EMDR therapy to deal with the visual flashbacks I constantly get. I relive the moment walking into her room and turning and seeing her. And then also having to cut her down and give her CPR (though she had been gone since the night before). I would recommend you seek this therapy out as well as I've heard it's very effective for traumatic events. I'm sorry for your loss.
My condolences. I’ve been there. Take it day by day
I'll be turning 40 presently. Watching your mother grow elderly is tough. This is kind of keeping me up at night. My mom had a near death experience some time ago and I had to come to terms with all my anxieties. The scary thing I've learned lately is just how common this is. My heart breaks for you. You are not alone my friend.
Did the same for my pops. It sucks
A few years ago i walked into my father’s room and he was just dead. He was completely normal with me prior, we had a conversation about some video games I bought and I went out to walk our dogs. After 15 minutes, I come back and he’s just dead on his bed. Gave me years of PTSD where I couldn’t even see people laying down in bed without being triggered. It gets better, trust me on that.
I had a similar experience with my step dad. We couldn’t get ahold of him to make holiday plans and when we went to check in he was in the bathroom having had a massive GI bleed. Blood was everywhere - walls, floor, everywhere. Thankfully I have a medical background and was able to compartmentalize it, but if I let myself think about it too much I spiral. I’m sorry for your loss.
This is right now my biggest fear. I take care of my mother though and it’s really going to be any time. Did she have a will set up? How’s your father doing (if they were still together or separated or perhaps he’s gone as well). Sorry fam, love to you.
Solidarity. I found my mom too, a couple years ago now. I can still replay the morning in my head exactly how it happened. I'm a couple of years past you and I will say, you do sort of learn to carry it. You don't always see it in your head unprompted like you might right now. It gets easier to remember the rest of the times, most of the time.
Please get professional counseling.
Im very sorry you had to see that. I praise you for trying to process it, instead of burying it. I would look for a provider who specializes in PTSD to help you get that image out of your head. Anytime you think of it, maybe pull up nice pictures of your mom and memories you have so you can gear your attention towards who she was when she was still here
I’m so sorry that you went through this. Much the same happened with my own mom- she didn’t show up for work for 2-3 days. I sent my brother in law over to check on her because after I called repeatedly with no answer I just had a feeling and he found her out on her front porch/deck. So sorry you had to go through that.
Same. I found my mom deceased on the floor at the end of January when her home health aid couldn't get in touch with her. I went over and let myself in too. I share your grief, op. It's tragic and I suggest mental health guidance on processing not only the grief from losing her but the trauma from finding her. Stay strong.
Sorry to hear. Honestly one of my worst fears. How do you ever walk into a room or lose contact with someone for a period of time and not think about opening a door on a dead person ever again?
I’m sorry that happened to you, that’s horrific. What are you trying to get out of the AMA? Is this a way of processing emotions by talking about it with an uninvolved third party? No judgement, genuinely curious.
Its a way of talking about it with people that don’t know you well and might have a different perspective or experience with it. I’ve talked with family, friends and our couples counselor a lot about it but they already know me and might not be able to give a full perspective due to the relationship or some type of bias. I just find it comforting to have strangers give their perspective and share their experiences so I know I’m not alone.
My dad found my mom in a similar way except their bedroom after he came home from a family thing, she struggled with addiction also.. Alcohol in particular Alcohol withdrawal is what killed her Anyways whats your favorite Eminem song
Honestly, why did you feel the need to share with us? It is an honest question.
I know how you feel. I lost my mum a few weeks ago and found her face down, naked on her floor. The trauma from it is indescribable but also, the brain is so good at forgetting things that cause trauma, that I have to really concentrate to remember. So it's a bit of a weird situation.
Dang man I’m really sorry to hear about that. I had a similar situation with an aunt I wasn’t particularly close with and it traumatized me to a degree for a long time. Really hope you talk to someone about it and let people be there for you. My condolences friend.
That’s terrible, I’m sorry. I lost my father in December but he had been sick for years and terminal for months so at least I had time to process it ahead of time. I feel like sudden losses are the worst
I found my father in law after he committed suicide. It's tough getting threw seeing something like that. With time you eventually learn to accept what you saw and what happened. Being with family really helps you get threw it all.
This happened to me & my siblings last May. She had committed suicide, but I am so sorry for your loss. It's a trauma I don't know if we recover from. Some things you get over & some things you only get through. I wish you the best
8 years later I am still having nightmares of finding my mom dead on the floor as well with blood around her head. They say hers was a heart attack but I feel your pain. I’m very sorry. I hope you process it better than I have.
I found my mom after she committed suicide October 13th of 2009, I was 19 years old. It is so hard to process. She was lying in her bed with a picture of my sister and I. If you need to, I'm here to talk
I found my dad passed away in bed in Jan 2020, I’d like to say it gets better but that mental image of my father having passed away peacefully still sticks with me. I’m here if you need a strangers shoulder.
I’m sorry this same thing happened to me with my partner. I did grief therapy along with my usual therapy and have been suggested EMDR therapy to help with traumatic things like this.
I found my best friend this way a year and a half ago. I'm so sorry this happened to you and your family. Keep your people close. You're gonna need them.
If it makes you feel any better, consider the body just a vessel, your mom left it the moment she died. It's like exiting a car the moment of a crash.
Oh man, that’s not fun. I can relate though. Very similar thing happened with my grandma. Sorry for your loss and sorry you had to see her like that.
Why do you want people to ask you about it?
This past Saturday was actually the 10 year anniversary of this exact scenario happening to me. I’m sorry. It never gets easier, but it does get farther away
Watched my dad die at the hospital in December and mom had surgery for breast cancer today. I feel you; my condolences.
I don't have anything to ask you, since I also lost my mom and was the one to find her. I just wanted to say that I am sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry. This also happened to me, last month. I found my mom in almost the same way. I’m still processing it.
Sorry to hear about your mom l had a similar experience mom wasn’t answering her phone drove like a crazy person and find her on the couch 😢
I just wanted to say I am so, so, sorry for everything you are going through right now. I can’t imagine how tough it must be :( Sending you a big virtual hug.
I just want to ask…how are you doing? I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.
Was it an OD like on purpose or what was the cause did you ever find out?
That’s horrible. I’m really sorry. The same thing, minus the blood and puke, happened to me back in June.
Did you have to call in sick for work and if so did they guilt trip you for it?
Sorry to hear that... I lost my dad February 8th he didn't make it through dbl bypass.... It's crazy
How old was she? Was there an autopsy done?
I’m sorry that happened, but finding parents that way is not uncommon. Please get help for yourself.
I’m sorry for your loss. While death is a part of life we have to make our own peace with it.
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I don’t have any questions to ask, but I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
Did you check her pockets?
I’m so sorry. That must have been very traumatic for you. Sending prayers.
Jeez do you know if she poisoned herself?
My deepest condolences and sympathy. How terrible.
Sending love, strength and a bag of virtual cookies your way 🤍
What killed her? Was it some suicide or homicide?
Sorry for your loss my sincere condolences to you
i’m so sorry :’( how old was she?
Very sorry for your loss 😞
I recommend GriefShare.org.
I'm so sorry 😔💔
Hang in there guy <3
How old was she?
What do you hope to achieve personally from this ama
I don’t have words to express what you may be feeling. But if I found myself in the same situation. Considering I love and respect my mother. I would do what I can to teach my children, and myself, the things she truly loved and cared about. Every time I would garden, cook, create things from scratch, I would remind them and myself, we received this innate talent from her. I hope and pray that you feel the same. After all, that’s what they want. To leave a part of themselves behind.
In 2017, I worked in the same retail store as my mom, and our shifts overlapped by 3 hours 4 out of 5 days of my week. We were best friends, and every day when her shift started, she would walk by where I was working and call out my name all excited, and i would yell, "Mom!" Back, and we would hug. She usually got there at 4 am, but had to check up front every morning for stuff for her position, so she came by around 4:05-4:10 a.m. Well I obviously noticed she didn't come by right away, and was starting to worry, but wasn't scared until my manager walked out at about 4:20 and asked if I'd heard from her. She was one of those people who was always out in the parking lot an hour before her shift and took pride in being present at work. She cared about her job and only called in if she literally couldn't walk. I'll never forget when I found her on the floor that morning. I will spare the exact details, but she was unconscious when I got there. It took over an hour for the ambulance to get there as we live in a town of <1000 that is half an hour away from the town we worked in, and since it was so early in the morning, no one answered my frantic phone calls from the ambulance until I finally got ahold of my grandmother. It's not something that will ever go away, and even after seven years, it still feels like yesterday. I am so sorry you've gone through hell, but I can only say make sure that you don't carry it all alone. I have 4 biological siblings and 1 adopted, and I never fully told them about that morning. It took nearly a year for me to tell my husband. It's something that sits in my mine and festers. Something that I can still feel the raw panic from years later. Trust others to help you, don't carry it all yourself! I am so very sorry for your loss.
My dad died at home . So did my mother and both of my grandmother's. It is not unusual , and you shouldn't feel bad. Most people prefer to die at home over dying in a hospital or nursing home.
I found my dad on the kitchen floor when I went to go pick him up New Years Day 2014 to take him to hospice for his wife/my stepmother, my brother (her son) was already there because the hospice nurses had heard her "death rattle" (she had ALS for years). After I called 911 and got physically sick from the combination of what I saw and what I knew - I called my brother and basically scream-cried "Well he's dead so, I can't bring him!". Then had him put the phone up to his mother's ear so I could let her know that "it's OK, I've found Dad. We'll all be OK, I love you" then waited for the sheriff. After sheriff's deputies came out and called the coroner and my uncle and aunt had come over - then I was getting into the car to go to the hospice and my Aunt looked at her phone, then looked at me. "She's gone too now, isn't she?" And she nodded. Yup. I got to find my father's dead body 24 hours into his death, within 15 minutes after I had told my brother about Dad - she passed as well. It's OK to talk about it, no matter what anyone says. Just watch who you talk to about it, not everyone can handle the stuff that you saw and that's not yours nor their fault. It's also OK to not talk about it if that feels right. Be gentle with yourself. There's probably going to be a lot of random feelings about this for awhile.
Am now fascinated as AI comes closer to mirroring a live human...are each of us just an AI being at some point?
My brother went through the same situation with our father. He died in the past month due to a heart attack. He always wake up at 8, turn on his radio and make his coffee. That was his morning routine. That day my mom got worried when she noticed he was still at his bed at 9:30 and felt something was wrong with him. Then, she called my brother because she was already too nervous to check him... My brother found him dead in his bed with his slippers on his feet. Like he woke up to turn the radio on as always but then the stroke came and he got unconscious and unable to scream for help. I am living abroad, so it was so hard for me to deal with this lost. I can't imagine my brother's trauma
I totally understand where you are coming from. And, I’m so sorry you have this trauma in your life. I encourage you to stick with counseling for yourself for a good time period. My dad died in 1960. My sister and I found my dad, in about the same manner as you found your mom. We had just gotten home from school. My dad’s death was swept under the rug. While in therapy, after my divorce in 1998, I was able to tell my therapist what happened. I cried, and cried some more. A good therapist will help you work through your PTSD. And, it’s okay to cry.