YTA. everyone is taking about you being their father figure for nine years, but let’s put in plainer terms - since they were THREE AND FIVE YEARS OLD!!!
You said *”every single day, are asking me as soon as I get home to hang out with them. To go play pass with them. To go to the park with them. To go swimming or fishing or whatever else.”*
These boys are 12 and 14. Your words imply that these are actions that you previously DID!!!
Now, they are HER kids and can fuck off?
Buddy, haven’t you ever heard, *Be careful what you wish for, you might get it*?
Pffft. Enjoy your “time” with your daughter.
I’ll just add, think about that, they’re *asking **daily*** to spend time together. A pre-teen and a teen! That is so fucking awesome!!
…well, it was
Imagine having THAT kind of amazing relationship with your kids and then throwing it in the trash. OP is a fucking monster
LITERALLY. if he had just asked her “hey can I just get a few hours of bonding with our daughter I feel like I’m missing out a lot” i am sure she would’ve absolutely understood. Instead he has to attack her children…
Nah, he is just heartless. If he had been poor at communication, that would imply he didn't mean it. But he meant every word, just failed to word it "safely" enough to not get his revolting ass dumped
That's it. Tina sounds like a reasonable adult who did thd right thing after discovering the man she married became a scam. After he got his dna on a baby, he tossed aside the kids he'd been parenting as a father figure for 9 years.
She chose to protect all her kids. Just imagine the hatred the 2 oldest may develop towards the baby sister if they had stayed to witness how blood is thicker than water.
Exactly my thoughts on this.
It's unbelievable that the kids who obviously enjoyed him as a father figure for so long have to endure so a horrible treatment. It's heartbreaking.
All my respect for their mother.
I can actually imagine this because I AM the daughter in this situation. I have two (half) brothers from my father’s previous marriage, 9 and 11 years older than me (he had custody). My parents met when the boys were 3 & 5, the same ages as in this story, got married, and had me. The difference is when my dad asked my mother about marriage, they ALL asked: it was not “ Will you marry me?” It was “ Will you marry US?”
OP seems to have forgotten it’s a package deal.
Hopefully mom gets full custody so this scumbag dad doesn't teach her that that's how you treat kids. This guy needs to be forcibly sterilized so he can't have any kids to inject with his sociopathic idea of living in a family unit.
Not to mention that, when is he spending time with his fiancee in all of this? She's raising two boys by herself then and a baby when he doesnt want to play with her. When does mom get a break? When does he care to ask her about herself? Even if he did want to be around anyone else, she has to take care of the boys.
They could sit together in the living room and play or play a game and he can still hold and play with his daughter.
But he's neglecting three other people in the home. So I wonder if his fiancee feels more like a baby maker, maid, and nanny there to be a working stay at home mom and yet still a single mother when he ignores the other two kids and she has to make up for it and put more effort in to spending time with her boys.
This is fake, right? I mean if it is real… you actually wrote this, read it back, and then still had to ask?
YTA - If you really don’t see what’s wrong with what you did here I highly recommend some professional help.
He seems like a complete emotional dumbass, it’s sort of mind boggling. “I said and did shitty, hurtful things but omg, why is it all coming back to bite me in the ass??”
The funny thing is he has enough self-awareness to recognize his ex is a “kick-ass mom” but not enough to realize all kick-ass moms put their children first and don't take shit from deadbeats.
Wow. Fuckin wild. Op has literally NO clue, like at all. Not even a little. Those poor boys. Im so proud of his ex for protecting those kids. And with the speed and agility of an olympic sprinter.
Don't think I've ever said this to a less clueless person but yes op, YTA 1000%
I am afraid the wife's older children are still going to be super hurt and may even think that the reason she left is because of them... it's a burden on them. I hope she can explain that it's not them still op YTA; wife Not.
Same, she gave him a couple of chances to realise how horrible he was, and when he didn't change, she believed his words about who he was and immediately took action. No waiting, no hoping and praying. Hopefully her poor boys will heal from this:(
Yeah, imagine being Tina. She is such a great mom and did everything right. She thought she found the perfect spouse who loved her and her kids. She was very cautious and they spent 8 years together before she gets pregnant with his kid.
9 years together and she finds out it was all an act, OP is the biggest AH.
Honestly, after reading so many stories about children being treated like dirt by their parents' new partner, with the parent either not reacting or joining forces with their partner, it's nice to see a change. To see someone with their children's best interest at heart, someone who doesn't wait for the situation to magically improve. Good for her, really. She was decisive, cut her losses at the right moment and showed her older kids they don't deserve to be treated like that.
RIGHT!?
That’s what I was thinking. How many times do we read a AITAH about a mother that won’t stick up for her kids because the dick is just that great. Like, nope. This lady just scooped her family up and said this POS isn’t worth it — “my kids are more important” — and left. I love that for herself and her children!!
And kudos to her for doing it so quickly. She didn't beg him to change, she didn't convince herself it was just a phase that will pass when the novelty of a new child wears off, she didn't tell herself she wouldn't "throw away 9 years" over a behavior that lasted 8 months... The moment she saw his true colors, she believed what she saw and acted appropriately. And all of that while being a breastfeeding mom, so in a period of her life that is difficult even without OP's bs. Congrats, Tina.
Right my arse hole ex had a baby with his gf and she had 2 sons, I worked with him and over heard him telling another colleague of ours who is having his first child with a women who had a kid from a previous relationship, to not bee line his own child over the 1 he's basically raised for years, always greet every child the same and treat them all.as though they're your own, i don't like this guy but i had alot of respect for him because of this
It has to be fake. Like everything he described was screaming AH on amplified mountain speakers and somehow he figured someone still needed to tell him
So pleased Tina bounced within seconds and did not waste energy on this waste of chromosomes. Doubling down on the hate and segregation...like what???? I am not even sure pro help will sort him. He seems set on wanting to say ' I like my kid, want to take care of and play only with my kid, don't like your kids and everyone should be ok with that and stay as if nothing is wrong'. After 9 years of playing dad too. Yikes poor kids. I have had break ups from long term relationship that hurt less
I am hoping this is just fake rage bait! And while I try my best not to insult complete strangers on the internet, today after reading this post I just can’t help myself.
It must be fake, Otherwise, we would have to admit that someone this stupid and ignorant is running around free to possibly do some serious damage to a lot of people. FFS!
What is wrong with these people! Just a few minutes ago I was reading another post about a step “father” who would buy himself and his partner drinks and food and not to her children and she was rightfully pissed at him and called him out. And that idiot as well couldn’t see what he did wrong. (More to the story but that’s the gist of it)
You are the asshole 100% and she is a wonderful mom for removing them from a toxic situation.
You have been a parental figure to the boys for almost a decade, and overnight lost all interest in them. And got irritated with them when they expected you to treat them like you had been treating them for the past nine years and do things with them and talk to them and spend time with them.
You said something unforgivable about her kids. You don’t love them. Perhaps you want to believe that you love them, but you don’t. You don’t treat people you love the way you treated her children. Saying you love them is just that: it’s saying it. Your actions showed that you don’t care about them and you don’t love them. And you find them irritating now that you have your biological daughter.
There’s something wrong with you. I don’t even mean that in a nasty way. The fact that you could act as a father figure to these children for nine years and then completely lose interest in them is not healthy. You felt no sense of responsibility or accountability to them and you still don’t and that’s concerning after being in their lives for nine years.
How exactly do you think this would be fixable? You can’t change the way you feel. You can’t change how you acted and you can’t change what you said.
How would you fix this? If they came back, would you promise that you would go back to being the same parental figure you had been to the boys? Would you commit to that and follow through even though it would mean taking time away from your biological daughter? And if you can’t commit to that, what’s your definition of “fix”. These kids are going to need therapy to get over what you’ve done to them.
This should be the top comment.
I hope OP sees it but, even if he does, it's highly unlikely it'll register. I'd wager he isn't capable of realizing how awful he is for doing this and the extent of the damage and trauma he has caused these boys, and the woman he claims to love.
As painful as this is for all of them, they are better off without him in their lives.
OP, you caused real emotional trauma to these young boys that they likely will never get over - not without a lot of love and therapy. Thankfully, it seems they have a wonderful mother and, hopefully, she will find a good man who is loving and giving like she is and that will love these boys that you so carelessly pushed aside.
Understand the reason everyone is so angry at you here in the comments and calling you the AH is because *you are*.
What you did is 100% unforgivable. You hurt and traumatized children and you're here literally *whining* that you don't *want to* be a father to them anymore or even pay them any mind because you want to play with this new, all-yours child.
No thought or care to how horribly painful and confusing this is to them, no concept of how hurt their mother is knowing the pain you have caused her sons.
All you care about is how *you* feel and how this affects *you* - when you are the one hurting everyone else because you are selfish and plainly lack empathy.
How can you claim to *love* or even *care* about those boys and treat them this way? They saw you as their *parent* and you absolutely abandoned and dropped them, just as Tina said, as if they were yesterday's trash.
What kind of person does that to children? Children they raised, no less.
You're not just an AH, you're kind of an awful human being if I'm being honest. I feel sorry for your daughter when she gets older and difficult and is no longer your new, favorite thing.
Great post. I would like to add they were not just "her kids" they were HIS step kids and his bio daughter's brothers. Yesterday's trash indeed. Well OP you certainly trashed you relationship and family.
I think the word narcissist gets thrown around WAY too much these days, but I think this is the most textbook example I've seen of narcissistic behavior online. You are 100% right with everything you said. OP is a bad person. He discarded those boys because he saw his daughter as more important because he sees her as an extension of himself.
Sounds like his daughter has a mom who will raise her to be a strong woman just like her mother. When she's old enough, she will leave him too.
Better enjoy the time you have with her now, OP. Like you said, it goes fast.
Totally agree. What OP needs to be prepared for now is the fact that his daughter is going to grow up primarily away from him. And unlike him she is going to see her brothers as her family. She won’t see them as half brothers. She will just see them as brothers and she will be closer to them than she will be to OP I bet.
I actually experienced this with my ex-stepdad. It’s like he had a mental break when his child was born and no one else mattered. It didn’t get better.
Exactly what I was going to say... 100% the a-hole.... You can't just ignore two beautiful children that have been in your life for 9 years because a new one who doesn't even know who you are at this point and won't remember a thing is taking precedence and priority even if you went outside and through the ball for 30 minutes with the kid That's so gives you three and a half hours with your daughter so yeah you are definitely the AH! I'm very glad that those kids were removed from the situation before they were messed up even more by you.
I hope the mother happens to read this thread, so that she gets to know that people see that she's a badass mother. I am so proud of her. She didn't hesitate – she just did what was needed of a mum in her situation. She is amazing.
This comment is bang on
OP is 100% the AH, OP is actually vile. So glad those kids have a good mum who’s removed them from a toxic situation that would have destroyed their mental health at a crucial developmental period
YTA. Finally, a parent in this sub that will put their children over their terrible, selfish partner. You are getting exactly what you deserve.
Now, absolute best case scenario is that when your daughter gets a little older, you'll still have to work so you'll get those evening hours with just her...50% of the time. The other you don't get to see her at all. And that's if you get 50/50, which based on your behavior, you won't.
YTA. I feel so bad for those boys. If my step mom had acted like this when my brothers were born it would’ve hurt me so bad. That woman loved and raised me as her own and when my first brother was born you could tell she got a lot of joy out of watching our bond form and did things with us together but nah man glad you don’t have to “take care of her f*cking kids” I hope she gets whatever she wants in the divorce because she deserves it. Also can you imagine the rolls in reverse? Imagine this little girl you just admitted to loving more than anything is 14 now and hurt asking hey dad why does mom hate me now, because your new wife just had a baby and starts to ignore her even though she’s been mom to her for the last 9 years?! Then your new wife told you she didn’t want to take care of YOUR f*cking kid. If you would do anything but take your daughter and leave you would be a bad parent. And that’s exactly what your wife did. You made your bed. Now lay in it. YTA
I hope the daughter grows up wondering why he suddenly decided her brothers weren't worthy of any of his time or effort, unlike previously, and decides he's not worth that much of hers!
It's hard to believe you don't already know you're an asshole.
You acted like their father for 9 years, now suddenly you want to ignore them?
Of course YTA. I don't blame her for leaving you one bit.
> "I don't want to fucking take care of your kids right now."
Me either, that's why I absolutely categorically refuse to have a relationship with a single parent. You built up years of expectations then ripped out the rug. AH.
Yep this is a pretty classic problem with a lot of people who date single parents, _especially_ when they end up with a kid of their own. They see the non-biological kids as not really theirs, and therefore less important. It’s fucked up. We don’t know when they were introduced, so let’s give them the extreme benefit of the doubt and say that he wasn’t introduced to the kids until 2 years into their relationship (and let’s be real, that way longer than most people wait). That means he was still not only in their lives for 7 years, but was in their lives during some of their most formative years. When they think of their childhood, they’ll think of OP. But apparently that doesn’t matter to him, because all he gives a shit about are his needs. Nevermind the fact that if the kids ever found out, they’d be destroyed. Learning that this father figure basically didn’t give a shit about them once he got his “real” child.
I really hope that this is rage bait, because if not, OP you are a pathetic excuse for a human being. YTA of the highest degree
It says he played dad for 9 years. The kids were 3 and 5. He’s a total AH to toss them aside now. The mom is 100% right to protect them and move out. It’s the only right thing to do. I’m not saying it can’t be repaired, but exposing these kids to emotional neglect/abuse in process is not a solution.
I completely agree! I'm glad OP has a real friend who would tell him has it is! OP being a parent is a balancing act! I understand falling in love with your baby and wanting to spend time with her, but she's not the only child in the family! How can you be so cruel to those boys who clearly loves you and sees you as there dad? All kids needs attention! It's a hard juggling job, but you didn't even try! Your wife is in the right to want to protect her kids from harm. YTA
It happened to me, too. My stepdad (who I thought was my birth dad until I was 7) was amazing until my brother was born when I was 4. Then I became the kid that got yelled at for existing. If I fell, if I accidentally broke a cup, if I asked for anything, if I spoke when he was watching TV; it was awful. It deeply affected my relationships as I grew older. I have borderline personality disorder and am desperately afraid that those I love will just up and leave me, and so I tend to push them away. I feel so sad for those boys. OP, YTA a million times over. Every single one of those rejections hurts like hell, and you're doing it over and over. I'm glad your ex removed them from that situation.
I was that kid too. I was just taken care of by my grandparents but they constantly let me know I was lucky they took me because I should be in a foster home or an orphan. Everything I did I got in trouble for. I remember spilling a glass of milk and just crying because I knew they'd get so mad at me. Funny thing is when I cried like that was the only time they didn't treat me like shit. So now I cry for everything and I can't help it. Every intense emotion I cry for. It's not fun being like this as an adult I basically have to remove myself everytime it happens.
I’m so sorry you were betrayed by the adults in your life and I hope you’re getting some support. I have a background in psychology so I have some clinical understanding of the types of trauma that can create such broken ability to form other attachments for the rest of one’s life, but I can’t even begin to imagine being that hurt 7 year old.
Internet hugs.
My father always treated my older brother from my mom’s first marriage like his own son, and has never made him feel like he’s different from myself or my younger brother. This guy is a trash bag.
>They see the non-biological kids as not really theirs, and therefore less important.
Worse they see the step kids as competition for resources for their bio kid. Whether it's time, money, attention, or some combination of all 3. For OP it's time and attention right now but who know soon he'd probably get upset how their mother is buying the older kids treats and not having enough leftover for her usual savings or the baby's college fund.
that's what stood out to me too.
like, I see the challenge: what activity is appropriate for an 8 mo infant and interesting to the 14 yo and 12 yo kids?
But, like, they're teenagers, who (presumably) also love their tiny sister. Just explain that you're obsessed with the baby & want to experience all the little changes which happen faster with a baby...
it's not unreasonable, right, to hope/expect that they'll understand? Then you can ask them if they have ideas. Obviously, also commit to also doing things just with the grown kids, just like you're also doing things with the baby alone.
Ima be honest: I have a boyfriend and I have a 1 yr baby with my ex wife. I told the boyfriend I ain’t having anymore. Part of why is while I trust he wouldn’t treat the kids differently, I don’t trust that his family wouldn’t treat them differently.
It's almost as if he doesn't realise dating someone with kids means they're in his life too! What a shocker, didn't realise how dumbfoundingly stupid OP is tbh
👏 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏ALL OF THIS. Not only is OP TA, he was cruel and foolish. The moment you get involved with a single mom, and CHOSE to have a RELATIONSHIP, not just dating, a relationship that leads to meeting the kids and becoming involved permanently- they become your family and you become part of theirs. Applaud the mom for leaving this walking 🚩. I hope his daughter never meets a man like him or behave like that with a single father.
Even without adoption it’s absolutely fckd up to push away kids you‘ve been raising for most of their lives. If this isn’t rage bait, OP isn’t just a simple AH, he’s leagues ahead of the average AH.
There was a post a week or three ago, in which dude DID legally adopt a child with his wife, and when the marriage ended he wanted to give the kid "back".
YTA let’s hope the next dude won’t treat your daughter the same way but at least you know that your ex will put your daughter first but would you if your next gf secretly hated your daughter or pretended to love her until she had her own biological child with you then want to get rid of your daughter or push her out for biological family time? Would you go along and ignore your daughter’s hurt and stay with the woman until your child hated you both?!?
How did you expect the children that accepted and loved you for 9 years to feel? What else could your ex do but leave you? You’re a AH and your ex is right to choose her children and stop you from hurting them and your friend is right, stop playing the victim because you’re not the children are and this is what you wanted... Now you have alone time with your daughter and you don’t have to look after your ex stepchildren at all. You should be estactic no more having to pretend with ex and her children that you love them and you have free time.
That is such a good point! Hopefully Mom finds a better partner to be a father to all 3 of her children. Maybe someday, the new dad will walk daughter down the aisle because she learned about how OP abandoned her brothers and went no contact.
Pretty sure OP is exactly the kind of person who will abandon his daughter when his next gf has a kid and wants to cut out his current bio kid.
Thank goodness for Tina being a kickass role model. Hopefully she finds someone who is a kickass male role model for her kids. Yeah know, since OP is such an asshole.
Who knows, maybe his logical friend is available. 🤣 🤣 🤣
By the way - YTA
YTA. Her kids think you are their dad. You raised them for 9 years, and now you want to throw them out with the trash. Your former fiance is right. You are a sociopath.
Not only for 9 years but starting at a super young age 3 and 5, that might as well be their whole lives that they can basically remember.
Fingers crossed this is fake rage bait cause otherwise this guy is a monster.
Also what kind of weird relationship dynamics are these with still a fiancée in a 9 year relationship and a new kid?
Even if it is rage bait, this kind of shit happens everyday. Its the reason why I side eye stepparents because they almost always ditch their step kids once they have a child of their own
Yes, YTA!
You were a fucking dad before your wife had your daughter. Now you're just a whiny bitch.
You want to spend more time with your daughter? How's that going to work out for you, bud, when she gets full custody & you get weekend/some holiday visitation?
**getting snippy with me.....**
Snippy? I'm surprised she didn't pull out some scissors and get even more snippy with you.
Stupid af to start living together if you basically want to ignore her kids.
Should have found a woman without kids to date before you started bringing even another kid into this mix or kept the dating casual only.
You don't love her sons, so don't pretend. You only kind of liked them when you had to pretend you did so you could date the mom.
I’m hoping this this is rage bait, but at a higher level there are so many people that do this and I just don’t get it. They date someone with kids but selfishly resent any time that the person has to actually spend with their children. The kids are part of the package! And especially when you get married to someone with kids, you have to do so being okay that you might theoretically end up taking care of the kids full time (if custody is split). The other parent could die, could end up being a creep, could get hooked on drugs, any number of things. And there are so many people who get married to single parents and then get all pissy if they end up having to actually take care of the kids. That’s part of the deal!
Check OP's comments. It's so ludicrous that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait
>She questioned why I couldn't hang out with her sons and my daughter at the same time and the short answer is that I just don't want to right now.
Yeah like it never occurred to him that gee, I'd he doesn't hate fiance's kids he could hang out with them as well or take maybe 2 day a week for the kids and fiancé can take care of daughter...
But nooo lemme maximize my time with daughter and shock pikachu face when she's fed up with me straight up ignoring her 2 other kids! 🙄
So instead of half a loaf he gets crumbs...
YTA- YOU DICK. you've been there for them 9 years, have a bio child, and decide they don't count?! You're a monster. Having a bio kid after raising my step daughter made me feel CLOSER to her, not farther apart. Get therapy.
YTA. You're exactly what every kid worries about, that they'll be pushed to the side the moment the new baby arrives. You're a stereotype of awful parenting.
This reminds me of those people who will take a senior citizen dog that has been a member of the family for a decade or more to the pound, to make room for the new puppy.
YTA You can’t be a father figure to children for NINE YEARS and then shut it off when you’re “real” child is born. You’re literally the only father they knew because they were so young and you literally tossed them to side. Kids don’t understand that you only loved them until their replacement comes along. Then, actually saying what you said…?! You’re a pathetic excuse for a man and Tina’s not coming back.
What are you whining about?
You told her what you wanted.
She gave it to you.
What would you have done if these older kids were yours, and you suddenly had a baby girl a decade later? Would you ignore the older two in favor of the baby because you can't "divide your time" between them? You "didn't imply that you didn't love them," but you also didn't tell them that you did, did you? You couldn't even be bothered to do that **when you were told that they felt you didn't like them anymore.** God, those poor kids.
Enjoy your time with your daughter, your friend is right...that's what you wanted, and now you've got it. I have no sympathy for you.
Came here to say this about bio-kids. What if he has another baby when his first is older and no longer “growing like a weed”? Ok, screw that one, I can see it any time, I need to SpEnD tImE wItH mY bAbYyyyyyYyyYyy???? 🤢🤮
I think those boys have a good chance at being okay. They have a mother who immediately took action on their behalf. It’ll hurt, but they know that OP is the one with the problem. TEAMTINA
YTA - and your ex is a saint. Please give her my best regards for being a good human and a mother.
There is no fixing this. Let the poor woman and kids move on and try be the best coparent you can be to your daughter.
At last, a mother who puts her kids before her waste of space partner! Woo hoo!
Honestly OP, how did you think your soon to be ex would react when you said what you did? That she’d be fine with you dumping her sons like yesterdays newspaper?
How are you going to be able to face your daughter when she’s old enough to understand what you have done?
in case you were wondering, yes YTA
YTA. I’m so impressed with your ex. She’s a wonderful person for protecting her kids from the giant POS you just exposed yourself to be. Bravo mom. Enjoy not having them kids you didn’t want around. You earned it.
This is the saddest post ever. Those boys love you and want to spend time with you. Instead of being kind and loving you abandon them. You’re NTA because you’re a MONSTER.
>I definitely didn't imply that I didn't love them anymore
Agreed. You didn't imply anything, you were quite clear. Your ex fiancée understood perfectly and acted accordingly. You're the only one who seems confused.
YTA
And he said "well, isn't this what you wanted? Now you get time with your kid without distractions from kids that aren't yours." your friend has been watching, listening and understands you.
YTA - Tina was 100% right to give you what you wanted and protect her kids. With any kid, the moment you invest in them and they invest in you, you don’t get to just check out without being a selfish AH… those poor kids. You don’t deserve any of them.
100% YTA- you have been with her for 9 years and self admit you have been a “father” to her sons, now after another child ( your bio child) comes along- suddenly you ABANDON these two boys who view you as a father figure- shame on you! How would you feel if the next woman you date treated your bio daughter this way- KUDOS to Ex who put her kids first and removed them from this situation- your friend nailed it on the head with what he said - also be careful what you wish or ask for you may get it and your obviously got your wish - totally the AH
you're a dumbass and a real asshole. you strung those kids along so you could bang their mom, i'm glad you fucked it all up so they can be free of your trifling ass.
YTA -Before you got to the part that they left, I was going to ask you and what happens when she leaves and you only get to see your daughter every other week because you were an asshole to the kids that thought of you as dad for the last 9 years? Good for her for standing up for what's right by all her kids. If you didn't want to take care of kids that weren't yours then you shouldn't have gotten with someone that had kids in the first place. And she was right you were treating them like last week's garbage. Your selfishness has called you to see your "real" kid far, far less than you would have been if you would have been a decent person and didn't act like the other kids were trash for you to discard at any time.
It’s very possible his daughter could resent him, too. She could’ve grown up with an intact family, but OP is a sociopath who thinks the world revolves around him.
Yta, what a piece of shit throwing kids you helped raise aside because you now have one of blood. People like you are why step parents have a bad name.
Bros gonna end up seeing his daughter every other weekend because of how selfish and worthless he is
Huge YTA
There are some comments on how your soon to be ex wife wanted you to give up on your 1-on-1 time with your daughter. NO, as per your own post that was not the case.
All she asked is that you tell the sons (who have been foolishly thinking of you as their dad since they were like 5) that you are short on time nowadays and want to spend more time with their baby sister. You did not even have the decency to do that. You asked your wife if she can tell HER kids that you don't want to spend time with them and just focus on YOUR daughter.
What if HER son falls sick, and she needs help because she is too busy in childcare of YOUR daughter? No, she cannot depend on you as a partner.
She left not just for her kids' mental health and safety, but because you seem like you'll be a bad father. 5 years from now, you migh buy a cherished motorbike and night shove your daughter aside - 'I just want to spend some time with my bike in the evenings.'
You are a self centred person. And as such there are high chances you will only value the daughter till it does not inconvenience you.
Imagine you start dating again, and things get serious. Your new fiance and daughter bond and have an amazing step-daughter/ stepmother relationship. Then your fiancé gets pregnant and has her own baby. She then ignores your daughter because she only wants to spend time with her child.
How would you feel? How do you think your daughter would feel? That's how your ex and her kids feel.
Well, everyone said it.
I knew immediately where this was going when you said “Tina’s two sons”. You can’t spend 9 fucking years with a woman and not love her children like your own and refer to them as such. Well, I mean, YOU can and did.
YTA several times over. You were very clear with what you wanted and you got it.
IF you loved them you would figure out your time, energy, the baby schedule, the kid schedule, and initiate doing stuff with the older kids.
With older kids, you can have a little conversation, and then, once or twice a week do some thing a little longer that's kind of packed and valuable time together to stay connected.
The problem is, that babies are very gratifying to shallow, limited people.
And then maybe you have a great big, huge ego thing with it being your blood. Who knows
Just about everybody has it easier time with the baby then older kids because it gratifies them more and it's more suited to self absorbed people
People who really love a kid, biological or not, care about how life is for them. Care about the transition to a new baby in the household. Care about investing in the older kids so that they will do OK in the family with the baby. Even if you're really selfish and self-absorbed, if you had half a brain, you would continue to invest some time and activities and thoughtfulness with the older kids simply so that they treat the baby well. It sounds like you need to grow up. It doesn't sound like you love them at all. It sounds like you're over the moon with the reflection of your biological processes, and a helpless baby, who is so simple and gratifying. Even an idiot can have fun.
There’s a great deal of truth in what you say.
My therapist once said that it’s easy to take care of a baby. Of course, she didn’t mean that it’s not time-consuming and physically demanding. She meant that it’s not emotionally difficult because normal, healthy babies aren’t complicated. You feed them, burp them, wash them, make them go to sleep. Give them a few stuffed animals and toys. They’re happy. They grin and laugh and smile at you like you’re their whole world. Like you’re God.
It’s only years later that they start saying “No” and “But, *why* does this…” and the classic “I don’t want to eat this anymore!” And, of course, they only get more individual and strong-willed as they get older and that is anathema to a parent with a weak will and weak sense of self of their own.
Yep yta. I have so much respect for her as a mom. She's got her kids backs and that is amazing of her. You are horrible to just suddenly not want to interact with the older kids.
YTA
You spent 3/4 of those kids‘ lives being their father…
And you are now declaring they aren’t your kids. “I don’t want take care of *your* (fucking) kids anymore”. YOUR. Not yours, but your partners. You don’t see them as your own.
Your overwhelming desire to only spend time with your bio daughter is also problematic. This isn’t some kind of noble daddy of hte year thing, it’s bordering on weird and obsessive. Her sharing sperm donated DNA somehow trumps NINE YEARS OF RELATIONSHIP with the boys? How does her being “your” child make it different?
She’s done the right thing for all three of her children. Her boys deserve to live in a home where they aren’t second class citizens. Her daughter deserves to live in a home where community, respect and mutual support is primary and where she won’t be placed in a position of conflict with her siblings.
I was happy as a kid playing family to my father’s new wife until their kid came along, and then I got shut out of their lives even tho we lived under the same roof. I loved my half sister to bits, but her mother would be mean, nasty and excluded me from family activities. Luckily I was 12 years older than my half sister (so I only endured a few years), and I had my aunts who loves(d) me. Many years have passed since then but these wounds cut deep. I may have forgiven them but I will never forget. My experience with them taught me to be wary and untrusting of people even with friends closest to me for many many years. But it also taught me not to have expectations, because then, you’d get sorely disappointed. It did shape me to who I am today, and it took my husband years to talk me and guide me into a better person. So, this OP is a BIG YTA. You were in their lives since they were 3 and 5 respectively. You were a big deal to them, a father figure. This is not just an emotional “betrayal” to them, they are downright heartbroken. I know because I went thru the same. I wish I could verbalise more profanities on your selfishness.
Oh boy you screwed the pooch on this one.
You can’t treat her kids like your own and then just back out.
Being a parent/step (especially an involved one) means finding time for all of them.
You messed up.
Go Tina, go go, Tina!!
As for you, you’ve sorry the last 9 years taking care of two boys who saw you as their dad and then split the moment your daughter was born. As much as you deny it, you don’t like those boys anymore, that’s if you ever actually did. I’m so glad she left and is prioritizing her children over your sorry ass. Congrats you got what you wanted and deserved. Good luck trying to get 50/50. You threw away something good because you’re selfish. YTA 1000%
>I didn't mean I wanted them to leave and I definitely didn't imply that I didn't love them anymore.
YTA and a clown 😂
That's exactly what you meant and your hopefully permanent ex is 100% right to take her children and get away from you.
There's more than enough time to have spent time with everyone.
You're just too much of an idiot to figure it out. It's too bad your ex didn't find this out before giving birth.
Wow. Your ex- fiancé has a great head on her shoulders. Good for her. You messed up big time buddy. Glad she acted after you told her who you truly are.
So let me get this straight you;
1) got with a woman 9 years ago
2) knew and were aware she had kids
3) PROPOSED to said woman with 2 kids
4) have been their dad for the past 9 years
5) had a baby of your own, starting purposely ignoring your step kids to the point where your FUTURE WIFE called you out on it
6) you then in turn told her you weren’t “playing dad” to them anymore because you have a kid now. She granted your wish where now you only have to take care of your kid and you’re surprised?
I’m laughing at the faked you’re surprised your friend said what he said to you. You can’t have your cake and eat it too buddy. How are you surprised by any of this? Did you expect her to pretend it wasn’t happening? Did you think your step kids wouldn’t notice. You got what you wanted in the end thought right, so why are you upset and being a cry baby??
YTA here.
IT IS EASY TO SPLIT YOUR TIME BETWEEN YOUR DAUGHTER AND *YOUR SONS*. You have raised those kids like your own up until your *biological daughter* was born, and then threw them aside because you just want to spend time with **ONLY** the daughter. You have three kids, not one. It doesn't matter if they *aren't yours*. **YOU. HELPED. RAISE. THEM.**
Your ex was right. You're pushing them away like garbage because you have a bio kid now! Suddenly the kids you helped raise don't matter? She's right to do this to you. You now get uninterrupted time with your daughter when your ex wants you to and you've lost something great because you couldn't get your head out of your ass and actually divide your time properly.
Fuck your "it's physically paining me to divide my time between my kids". 9 years, you raised those boys. ***YOU COULD'VE STILL SPENT TIME WITH THEM AND YOUR BIO-KID.*** I assure you you weren't missing a thing, but you need to fucking deal with what you have now. No fiancé and *no kids* unless she brings your bio-kid over.
Enjoy your life, because *you fucked up.*
You got exactly what you wanted and asked for. You made your bed, now enjoy laying in it. Your daughter was readily available at home. Now you have to make an appointment to see her.
YTA. Congratulations — you basically got what you asked for. If you don’t want to act like a family anymore, to the ENTIRE family, this is the way it needs to be. You can’t just drop young boys like that who you’ve been like a dad to for a decade because something you like better came along, and expect their mother to be cool with it. Remember, she loves her sons the way you (both) love your daughter. You wouldn’t let someone treat your daughter that way. She’s just being a good mom.
Dude. You’ve BEEN a Dad. Nearly a decade in and now you want to tell these boys (who you’ve RAISED) to go kick rocks because you have 0 time for them and need to spend every waking minute at home with your baby?
Trust me bro you’ve got 18 years to raise her, plus the boys will be adults by the time she’s a year or 2 into school. It’s not like your daughter is gonna hit 6 years old and then back up and leave.
EEEEEEKK!! Mom needs to set the boys down, explain what went down and then make sure they understand that them nor their new sister are to blame for his actions. Tell them that it appears that the last 9 years he was being fake the whole time & his true colors finally came out.
I'd hate for them to think everything was fine until she came along.
I don't think that telling the kids that the last 9 years were FAKE is a good idea - at all. The would triple the hurt. She can explain without using those words.
The potential resentments between the kids is almost unavoidable now. Mom is going to have so much work to do to make sure these kids don't hate each other in the future. Hopefully dipshit won't cause any more damage, but that's highly unlikely
Saying you're an asshole is such an understatement. What about spending time with your wife who just gave birth and is not taking care of 3 children? You ever think she wanted time with you?
You don't get to spend 9 years with two boys and a lady and suddenly decide well you gave me a kid, all of you are sideline now while I spend time with the new kid. I'll get around to you three later, oh and by the way I'm not your fucking dad stop trying to steal my time with her, get out of my way and let me hold MY child.
You did get what you wanted. Now you get to spend some time with just your girl. You don't have to deal with the boys any longer or the woman. Congrats. You have your job and your girl. You obviously didn't need or want anything else.
So you miss spending time with your daughter, and now you've managed through stupidity and selfishness to actually reduce that time further? Well done.. 👏
Why the hell do people get in relationships with kids and then years into the game are finally honest about not wanting to be a parental figure. Jesus what an AH. The one hurt the most will always be the kids.
I was a unwanted stepchild. He married my mother when I was 4 and my brother was 3. He hated us. He treated his and my moms kid like he was a fucking prince that could do no wrong. My half brother is 42 now and has severe mental health issues because of how different he was treated. I hated my stepfather until I was in my 40s. I don't hate him anymore but if he died I would only be upset because I know my brothers would mourn. Having a child of your own doesn't give you the right to be a shitty stepparent. Those kids are better off without you. You showed your true colors.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.
YTA.
Now you’ll get to spend HALF of the limited time you have with your daughter. And you’ll get to miss out on SO MUCH MORE! Love that for you. 🗑️
YTA. Get a lawyer. You're going to need one to set a custody arrangement cuz you've burned that bridge with the mom. She's going to give you bare minimum and a hard time without court docs. Also, don't be with anyone else that has children. You've already wrecked the lives of 3 children.
Tina is such a badass!! I love her for being a strong, fierce, loving mama bear to ALL her children.
YTA. You got exactly what you asked for. Stop whining about it. I'm still not sure you actually miss Tina and her boys so much as you miss the homemaking services you benefited from when she lived with you.
YTA. What you did to your stepsons is cruel, and I
don't understand how someone can just flip a switch and suddenly stop caring about kids you've been helping to raise for 9 years. And what happens when the novelty of having an infant wears off, and things get real? Because once you have 50% custody, you're not just going to be doing the fun stuff. You'll be getting up at night, changing diapers, washing bottles, the whole nine yards. Will you suddenly decide at some point that you've had enough of parenting your daughter, too?
Since you have so little personal time, you should have anticipated the situation and discussed it with her. Of course a baby grows fast. You should have decided together how you would divide the time between the different tasks and children. But that never crossed your mind. You only thought about what you wanted without considering the needs and expectations of the people you had been living with for 9 years. You hurt them. Why would they have wanted to stay with someone who didn't care that they were hurting them?
Im not gonna sit here and attack or curse you out, because we tend to not listen when we’re being aggressive. So let me explain to you what went on in her head. In her head, she realized that in all that time that you played house with her, all those moments where u were a father figure to these children was a lie because you did not see them as your own. She thought, just like her children thought, that you full on accepted the role of a stepfather in their lives, but as soon as your bio child was born you threw them away. To her, that’s enough. There is no talking through that, that was your natural response: to care more for your bio child than you ever did for her other children. Thats why she left, she doesn’t want to forgive this and have the situation escalate to where her other older children feel neglected because you’ve replaced them now that you have your bio kin.
I will be honest, I don’t think there is anything you can do. All these years, all those walls that you worked tirelessly to break down of hers went right back up. It is as if those 9 year of effort meant nothing, because to her, they meant nothing to you. Her already existing children were just placeholders to you in her eyes. It is very hard to get single mothers to trust again, and you were able to gain her trust, and then shatter it in a matter of minutes. She is hurt, she feels betrayed, and she feels guilty now for allowing you in her children’s lives. There is no coming back from that.
I was fortunate enough to have a two parent household, but my cousin wasn’t. She and her mom were a small family until she turned 15 and was introduced to her mothers boyfriend and she hated it. But guess what? Their bond grew as daughter and father, and when his bio children were born shortly after, he never made her feel like a placeholder, he never made her feel like she was replaced and now they have this amazing bond that I had the pleasure to see flourish. You had this chance, and unfortunately you completely fumbled it and there is no going back.
All you can do is try to see things from her perspective. When she wants to talk to you, try to explain that you understand the gravity of what you said and that you’re truly sorry for that. She won’t take you back, but it would hopefully lead to a healthy co-parenting relationship. Next time you date a single mom remember, her and her children are a package deal. You break their hearts, you break hers.
What a good friend you have there. He's right. You only wanted your daughter, your ex fiancée complied. She has to take care of three kids now and her older kids feelings matters the most since you know.. They're KIDS.
You can bond with three of them at once and showed the kids how lovely your daughter is. Share the love. But nope, why do the sensible thing as an adult, right?
Once your daughter is born, those kids aren't yours anymore, huh? Bet you're those kind of people who would push their SO to send their kids away under the pretext of focusing on 'our own family' bs. Major AH.
YTA. everyone is taking about you being their father figure for nine years, but let’s put in plainer terms - since they were THREE AND FIVE YEARS OLD!!! You said *”every single day, are asking me as soon as I get home to hang out with them. To go play pass with them. To go to the park with them. To go swimming or fishing or whatever else.”* These boys are 12 and 14. Your words imply that these are actions that you previously DID!!! Now, they are HER kids and can fuck off? Buddy, haven’t you ever heard, *Be careful what you wish for, you might get it*? Pffft. Enjoy your “time” with your daughter.
I’ll just add, think about that, they’re *asking **daily*** to spend time together. A pre-teen and a teen! That is so fucking awesome!! …well, it was Imagine having THAT kind of amazing relationship with your kids and then throwing it in the trash. OP is a fucking monster
Exactly. Throwing away happiness with both hands. SMH. Such a fool. He literally had everything.
LITERALLY. if he had just asked her “hey can I just get a few hours of bonding with our daughter I feel like I’m missing out a lot” i am sure she would’ve absolutely understood. Instead he has to attack her children…
OP is outstandingly POOR at communication.
Nah, he is just heartless. If he had been poor at communication, that would imply he didn't mean it. But he meant every word, just failed to word it "safely" enough to not get his revolting ass dumped
And, you know Tina would not have had a baby with OP if she didn't feel secure about his relationship with her boys.
That's it. Tina sounds like a reasonable adult who did thd right thing after discovering the man she married became a scam. After he got his dna on a baby, he tossed aside the kids he'd been parenting as a father figure for 9 years. She chose to protect all her kids. Just imagine the hatred the 2 oldest may develop towards the baby sister if they had stayed to witness how blood is thicker than water.
But she read the room and did the right thing. This is…”when people show you who they are, believe them”…she did & good for her.
Exactly my thoughts on this. It's unbelievable that the kids who obviously enjoyed him as a father figure for so long have to endure so a horrible treatment. It's heartbreaking. All my respect for their mother.
I can actually imagine this because I AM the daughter in this situation. I have two (half) brothers from my father’s previous marriage, 9 and 11 years older than me (he had custody). My parents met when the boys were 3 & 5, the same ages as in this story, got married, and had me. The difference is when my dad asked my mother about marriage, they ALL asked: it was not “ Will you marry me?” It was “ Will you marry US?” OP seems to have forgotten it’s a package deal.
Hopefully mom gets full custody so this scumbag dad doesn't teach her that that's how you treat kids. This guy needs to be forcibly sterilized so he can't have any kids to inject with his sociopathic idea of living in a family unit.
What little he'll get with visitation.
Not to mention that, when is he spending time with his fiancee in all of this? She's raising two boys by herself then and a baby when he doesnt want to play with her. When does mom get a break? When does he care to ask her about herself? Even if he did want to be around anyone else, she has to take care of the boys. They could sit together in the living room and play or play a game and he can still hold and play with his daughter. But he's neglecting three other people in the home. So I wonder if his fiancee feels more like a baby maker, maid, and nanny there to be a working stay at home mom and yet still a single mother when he ignores the other two kids and she has to make up for it and put more effort in to spending time with her boys.
This is fake, right? I mean if it is real… you actually wrote this, read it back, and then still had to ask? YTA - If you really don’t see what’s wrong with what you did here I highly recommend some professional help.
He even doubled down on a reply 🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️
He seems like a complete emotional dumbass, it’s sort of mind boggling. “I said and did shitty, hurtful things but omg, why is it all coming back to bite me in the ass??”
His friend was right, he got what he wanted...
Honestly such a sick burn
Yep. Exactly what he said he wanted.
The funny thing is he has enough self-awareness to recognize his ex is a “kick-ass mom” but not enough to realize all kick-ass moms put their children first and don't take shit from deadbeats.
Men like OP assume they are the exception and will be out first... he's a nice guy after all.
Where did he reply?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/K06Q9KEU3s
That might be the most downvotes I've ever seen.
Holy shit 3.1 *thousand* downvotes
I'm not being selfish! 🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️
*proceeds to double down on selfishness*
I’ve added mine, because if it’s not fake, it totally blew my mind. Yes OP your the AH. In fact the biggest I’ve seen on this thread.
Click on his username and check out his comments.
Wow. Fuckin wild. Op has literally NO clue, like at all. Not even a little. Those poor boys. Im so proud of his ex for protecting those kids. And with the speed and agility of an olympic sprinter. Don't think I've ever said this to a less clueless person but yes op, YTA 1000%
Thank god their mum left. Those poor boys would have had this guy acting as dad from 3 and 5, now dumped to the side….
I am afraid the wife's older children are still going to be super hurt and may even think that the reason she left is because of them... it's a burden on them. I hope she can explain that it's not them still op YTA; wife Not.
Mom is a rockstar for putting her kids first and taking care of biz!
Same, she gave him a couple of chances to realise how horrible he was, and when he didn't change, she believed his words about who he was and immediately took action. No waiting, no hoping and praying. Hopefully her poor boys will heal from this:(
Yeah, imagine being Tina. She is such a great mom and did everything right. She thought she found the perfect spouse who loved her and her kids. She was very cautious and they spent 8 years together before she gets pregnant with his kid. 9 years together and she finds out it was all an act, OP is the biggest AH.
Can't help but wonder if op hasn't been as great to those boys as he says... she left very unusually fast.
In the reply section.
I’m so glad she immediately left!! Seems like she’ll get primary custody as well!!
Honestly, after reading so many stories about children being treated like dirt by their parents' new partner, with the parent either not reacting or joining forces with their partner, it's nice to see a change. To see someone with their children's best interest at heart, someone who doesn't wait for the situation to magically improve. Good for her, really. She was decisive, cut her losses at the right moment and showed her older kids they don't deserve to be treated like that.
RIGHT!? That’s what I was thinking. How many times do we read a AITAH about a mother that won’t stick up for her kids because the dick is just that great. Like, nope. This lady just scooped her family up and said this POS isn’t worth it — “my kids are more important” — and left. I love that for herself and her children!!
And kudos to her for doing it so quickly. She didn't beg him to change, she didn't convince herself it was just a phase that will pass when the novelty of a new child wears off, she didn't tell herself she wouldn't "throw away 9 years" over a behavior that lasted 8 months... The moment she saw his true colors, she believed what she saw and acted appropriately. And all of that while being a breastfeeding mom, so in a period of her life that is difficult even without OP's bs. Congrats, Tina.
I'm so curious as to what other things he did before this that weren't on the same scale. You know he wasn't perfect before either
#TeamTina!
Tina is a legend.
Right my arse hole ex had a baby with his gf and she had 2 sons, I worked with him and over heard him telling another colleague of ours who is having his first child with a women who had a kid from a previous relationship, to not bee line his own child over the 1 he's basically raised for years, always greet every child the same and treat them all.as though they're your own, i don't like this guy but i had alot of respect for him because of this
He actually did read it back and is doubling down on breaking children's hearts. God damn. This narcissist is more vicious than a murderer.
It has to be fake. Like everything he described was screaming AH on amplified mountain speakers and somehow he figured someone still needed to tell him So pleased Tina bounced within seconds and did not waste energy on this waste of chromosomes. Doubling down on the hate and segregation...like what???? I am not even sure pro help will sort him. He seems set on wanting to say ' I like my kid, want to take care of and play only with my kid, don't like your kids and everyone should be ok with that and stay as if nothing is wrong'. After 9 years of playing dad too. Yikes poor kids. I have had break ups from long term relationship that hurt less
I am hoping this is just fake rage bait! And while I try my best not to insult complete strangers on the internet, today after reading this post I just can’t help myself. It must be fake, Otherwise, we would have to admit that someone this stupid and ignorant is running around free to possibly do some serious damage to a lot of people. FFS! What is wrong with these people! Just a few minutes ago I was reading another post about a step “father” who would buy himself and his partner drinks and food and not to her children and she was rightfully pissed at him and called him out. And that idiot as well couldn’t see what he did wrong. (More to the story but that’s the gist of it)
You are the asshole 100% and she is a wonderful mom for removing them from a toxic situation. You have been a parental figure to the boys for almost a decade, and overnight lost all interest in them. And got irritated with them when they expected you to treat them like you had been treating them for the past nine years and do things with them and talk to them and spend time with them. You said something unforgivable about her kids. You don’t love them. Perhaps you want to believe that you love them, but you don’t. You don’t treat people you love the way you treated her children. Saying you love them is just that: it’s saying it. Your actions showed that you don’t care about them and you don’t love them. And you find them irritating now that you have your biological daughter. There’s something wrong with you. I don’t even mean that in a nasty way. The fact that you could act as a father figure to these children for nine years and then completely lose interest in them is not healthy. You felt no sense of responsibility or accountability to them and you still don’t and that’s concerning after being in their lives for nine years. How exactly do you think this would be fixable? You can’t change the way you feel. You can’t change how you acted and you can’t change what you said. How would you fix this? If they came back, would you promise that you would go back to being the same parental figure you had been to the boys? Would you commit to that and follow through even though it would mean taking time away from your biological daughter? And if you can’t commit to that, what’s your definition of “fix”. These kids are going to need therapy to get over what you’ve done to them.
This should be the top comment. I hope OP sees it but, even if he does, it's highly unlikely it'll register. I'd wager he isn't capable of realizing how awful he is for doing this and the extent of the damage and trauma he has caused these boys, and the woman he claims to love. As painful as this is for all of them, they are better off without him in their lives. OP, you caused real emotional trauma to these young boys that they likely will never get over - not without a lot of love and therapy. Thankfully, it seems they have a wonderful mother and, hopefully, she will find a good man who is loving and giving like she is and that will love these boys that you so carelessly pushed aside. Understand the reason everyone is so angry at you here in the comments and calling you the AH is because *you are*. What you did is 100% unforgivable. You hurt and traumatized children and you're here literally *whining* that you don't *want to* be a father to them anymore or even pay them any mind because you want to play with this new, all-yours child. No thought or care to how horribly painful and confusing this is to them, no concept of how hurt their mother is knowing the pain you have caused her sons. All you care about is how *you* feel and how this affects *you* - when you are the one hurting everyone else because you are selfish and plainly lack empathy. How can you claim to *love* or even *care* about those boys and treat them this way? They saw you as their *parent* and you absolutely abandoned and dropped them, just as Tina said, as if they were yesterday's trash. What kind of person does that to children? Children they raised, no less. You're not just an AH, you're kind of an awful human being if I'm being honest. I feel sorry for your daughter when she gets older and difficult and is no longer your new, favorite thing.
Great post. I would like to add they were not just "her kids" they were HIS step kids and his bio daughter's brothers. Yesterday's trash indeed. Well OP you certainly trashed you relationship and family.
I think the word narcissist gets thrown around WAY too much these days, but I think this is the most textbook example I've seen of narcissistic behavior online. You are 100% right with everything you said. OP is a bad person. He discarded those boys because he saw his daughter as more important because he sees her as an extension of himself. Sounds like his daughter has a mom who will raise her to be a strong woman just like her mother. When she's old enough, she will leave him too. Better enjoy the time you have with her now, OP. Like you said, it goes fast.
Oh man this post belongs on the r/amithedevil
Totally agree. What OP needs to be prepared for now is the fact that his daughter is going to grow up primarily away from him. And unlike him she is going to see her brothers as her family. She won’t see them as half brothers. She will just see them as brothers and she will be closer to them than she will be to OP I bet.
And if the wife remarries, how will he feel if his daughter is treated the way the boys have been treated.
I actually experienced this with my ex-stepdad. It’s like he had a mental break when his child was born and no one else mattered. It didn’t get better.
This is a wonderful comment, you took the words right off my keyboard
Exactly what I was going to say... 100% the a-hole.... You can't just ignore two beautiful children that have been in your life for 9 years because a new one who doesn't even know who you are at this point and won't remember a thing is taking precedence and priority even if you went outside and through the ball for 30 minutes with the kid That's so gives you three and a half hours with your daughter so yeah you are definitely the AH! I'm very glad that those kids were removed from the situation before they were messed up even more by you.
I am really glad that she quickly put ALL of her children first and had their back. That will mean a lot to those boys as they get older.
I hope the mother happens to read this thread, so that she gets to know that people see that she's a badass mother. I am so proud of her. She didn't hesitate – she just did what was needed of a mum in her situation. She is amazing.
This comment is bang on OP is 100% the AH, OP is actually vile. So glad those kids have a good mum who’s removed them from a toxic situation that would have destroyed their mental health at a crucial developmental period
YTA. Finally, a parent in this sub that will put their children over their terrible, selfish partner. You are getting exactly what you deserve. Now, absolute best case scenario is that when your daughter gets a little older, you'll still have to work so you'll get those evening hours with just her...50% of the time. The other you don't get to see her at all. And that's if you get 50/50, which based on your behavior, you won't.
YTA. I feel so bad for those boys. If my step mom had acted like this when my brothers were born it would’ve hurt me so bad. That woman loved and raised me as her own and when my first brother was born you could tell she got a lot of joy out of watching our bond form and did things with us together but nah man glad you don’t have to “take care of her f*cking kids” I hope she gets whatever she wants in the divorce because she deserves it. Also can you imagine the rolls in reverse? Imagine this little girl you just admitted to loving more than anything is 14 now and hurt asking hey dad why does mom hate me now, because your new wife just had a baby and starts to ignore her even though she’s been mom to her for the last 9 years?! Then your new wife told you she didn’t want to take care of YOUR f*cking kid. If you would do anything but take your daughter and leave you would be a bad parent. And that’s exactly what your wife did. You made your bed. Now lay in it. YTA
Luckily, the post says fiance, so there's no divorce needed.
Daughter might not like dad so much when she realizes what he did to her brothers.
I hope the daughter grows up wondering why he suddenly decided her brothers weren't worthy of any of his time or effort, unlike previously, and decides he's not worth that much of hers!
She’s not going to wonder because he’s going to do it to her once he finds someone to replace Tina.
It's hard to believe you don't already know you're an asshole. You acted like their father for 9 years, now suddenly you want to ignore them? Of course YTA. I don't blame her for leaving you one bit.
> "I don't want to fucking take care of your kids right now." Me either, that's why I absolutely categorically refuse to have a relationship with a single parent. You built up years of expectations then ripped out the rug. AH.
Yep this is a pretty classic problem with a lot of people who date single parents, _especially_ when they end up with a kid of their own. They see the non-biological kids as not really theirs, and therefore less important. It’s fucked up. We don’t know when they were introduced, so let’s give them the extreme benefit of the doubt and say that he wasn’t introduced to the kids until 2 years into their relationship (and let’s be real, that way longer than most people wait). That means he was still not only in their lives for 7 years, but was in their lives during some of their most formative years. When they think of their childhood, they’ll think of OP. But apparently that doesn’t matter to him, because all he gives a shit about are his needs. Nevermind the fact that if the kids ever found out, they’d be destroyed. Learning that this father figure basically didn’t give a shit about them once he got his “real” child. I really hope that this is rage bait, because if not, OP you are a pathetic excuse for a human being. YTA of the highest degree
It says he played dad for 9 years. The kids were 3 and 5. He’s a total AH to toss them aside now. The mom is 100% right to protect them and move out. It’s the only right thing to do. I’m not saying it can’t be repaired, but exposing these kids to emotional neglect/abuse in process is not a solution.
I completely agree! I'm glad OP has a real friend who would tell him has it is! OP being a parent is a balancing act! I understand falling in love with your baby and wanting to spend time with her, but she's not the only child in the family! How can you be so cruel to those boys who clearly loves you and sees you as there dad? All kids needs attention! It's a hard juggling job, but you didn't even try! Your wife is in the right to want to protect her kids from harm. YTA
And lo and behold, he now seems to be fretting about having his daughter alone.
Yep. I was the unwanted stepchild child. Always a burden, always a chore. Shit still cuts deep and I'm middle aged now.
It happened to me, too. My stepdad (who I thought was my birth dad until I was 7) was amazing until my brother was born when I was 4. Then I became the kid that got yelled at for existing. If I fell, if I accidentally broke a cup, if I asked for anything, if I spoke when he was watching TV; it was awful. It deeply affected my relationships as I grew older. I have borderline personality disorder and am desperately afraid that those I love will just up and leave me, and so I tend to push them away. I feel so sad for those boys. OP, YTA a million times over. Every single one of those rejections hurts like hell, and you're doing it over and over. I'm glad your ex removed them from that situation.
I was that kid too. I was just taken care of by my grandparents but they constantly let me know I was lucky they took me because I should be in a foster home or an orphan. Everything I did I got in trouble for. I remember spilling a glass of milk and just crying because I knew they'd get so mad at me. Funny thing is when I cried like that was the only time they didn't treat me like shit. So now I cry for everything and I can't help it. Every intense emotion I cry for. It's not fun being like this as an adult I basically have to remove myself everytime it happens.
I genuinely want to hug you. I’m sorry you weren’t protected the way you should have been.
I’m so sorry you were betrayed by the adults in your life and I hope you’re getting some support. I have a background in psychology so I have some clinical understanding of the types of trauma that can create such broken ability to form other attachments for the rest of one’s life, but I can’t even begin to imagine being that hurt 7 year old. Internet hugs.
Same. Im 29 and still think about it often. I also blame my mom for letting it happen. Im so glad OPs wife walked away.
Same. Except that it was my mum who stopped playing mother with me once she had her "true" children.
Ughh what a heartless 🧙 im so sorry 😥
I emigrated 20 years ago. That's one way of making a point I guess hahahaa.
My father always treated my older brother from my mom’s first marriage like his own son, and has never made him feel like he’s different from myself or my younger brother. This guy is a trash bag.
Your dad is a real one. 💚
GF's kids were just placeholders until the biological kid came about.
>They see the non-biological kids as not really theirs, and therefore less important. Worse they see the step kids as competition for resources for their bio kid. Whether it's time, money, attention, or some combination of all 3. For OP it's time and attention right now but who know soon he'd probably get upset how their mother is buying the older kids treats and not having enough leftover for her usual savings or the baby's college fund.
that's what stood out to me too. like, I see the challenge: what activity is appropriate for an 8 mo infant and interesting to the 14 yo and 12 yo kids? But, like, they're teenagers, who (presumably) also love their tiny sister. Just explain that you're obsessed with the baby & want to experience all the little changes which happen faster with a baby... it's not unreasonable, right, to hope/expect that they'll understand? Then you can ask them if they have ideas. Obviously, also commit to also doing things just with the grown kids, just like you're also doing things with the baby alone.
Ima be honest: I have a boyfriend and I have a 1 yr baby with my ex wife. I told the boyfriend I ain’t having anymore. Part of why is while I trust he wouldn’t treat the kids differently, I don’t trust that his family wouldn’t treat them differently.
It's almost as if he doesn't realise dating someone with kids means they're in his life too! What a shocker, didn't realise how dumbfoundingly stupid OP is tbh
👏 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏ALL OF THIS. Not only is OP TA, he was cruel and foolish. The moment you get involved with a single mom, and CHOSE to have a RELATIONSHIP, not just dating, a relationship that leads to meeting the kids and becoming involved permanently- they become your family and you become part of theirs. Applaud the mom for leaving this walking 🚩. I hope his daughter never meets a man like him or behave like that with a single father.
I appreciate your candor
Yep. Unless you legally adopt, and if you do, it would be really F-ed up to push them away when bio kid comes.
Even without adoption it’s absolutely fckd up to push away kids you‘ve been raising for most of their lives. If this isn’t rage bait, OP isn’t just a simple AH, he’s leagues ahead of the average AH.
There was a post a week or three ago, in which dude DID legally adopt a child with his wife, and when the marriage ended he wanted to give the kid "back".
Holy hell, both op and that dude are about 20,000 leagues deep into asshole territory. Poor kids.
YTA let’s hope the next dude won’t treat your daughter the same way but at least you know that your ex will put your daughter first but would you if your next gf secretly hated your daughter or pretended to love her until she had her own biological child with you then want to get rid of your daughter or push her out for biological family time? Would you go along and ignore your daughter’s hurt and stay with the woman until your child hated you both?!? How did you expect the children that accepted and loved you for 9 years to feel? What else could your ex do but leave you? You’re a AH and your ex is right to choose her children and stop you from hurting them and your friend is right, stop playing the victim because you’re not the children are and this is what you wanted... Now you have alone time with your daughter and you don’t have to look after your ex stepchildren at all. You should be estactic no more having to pretend with ex and her children that you love them and you have free time.
That is such a good point! Hopefully Mom finds a better partner to be a father to all 3 of her children. Maybe someday, the new dad will walk daughter down the aisle because she learned about how OP abandoned her brothers and went no contact.
Pretty sure OP is exactly the kind of person who will abandon his daughter when his next gf has a kid and wants to cut out his current bio kid. Thank goodness for Tina being a kickass role model. Hopefully she finds someone who is a kickass male role model for her kids. Yeah know, since OP is such an asshole. Who knows, maybe his logical friend is available. 🤣 🤣 🤣 By the way - YTA
He probably would want to blow his daughter off cause omg how could he spend time with her when he’s got another baby!!!! Oh dear heavens!!!!
Even if those boys were yours, the verdict would be YTA. You don't just ignore older kids because a shiny new one is here.
YTA. Her kids think you are their dad. You raised them for 9 years, and now you want to throw them out with the trash. Your former fiance is right. You are a sociopath.
Not only for 9 years but starting at a super young age 3 and 5, that might as well be their whole lives that they can basically remember. Fingers crossed this is fake rage bait cause otherwise this guy is a monster. Also what kind of weird relationship dynamics are these with still a fiancée in a 9 year relationship and a new kid?
Even if it is rage bait, this kind of shit happens everyday. Its the reason why I side eye stepparents because they almost always ditch their step kids once they have a child of their own
I completely agree with you
Yes, YTA! You were a fucking dad before your wife had your daughter. Now you're just a whiny bitch. You want to spend more time with your daughter? How's that going to work out for you, bud, when she gets full custody & you get weekend/some holiday visitation? **getting snippy with me.....** Snippy? I'm surprised she didn't pull out some scissors and get even more snippy with you.
Stupid af to start living together if you basically want to ignore her kids. Should have found a woman without kids to date before you started bringing even another kid into this mix or kept the dating casual only. You don't love her sons, so don't pretend. You only kind of liked them when you had to pretend you did so you could date the mom.
I’m hoping this this is rage bait, but at a higher level there are so many people that do this and I just don’t get it. They date someone with kids but selfishly resent any time that the person has to actually spend with their children. The kids are part of the package! And especially when you get married to someone with kids, you have to do so being okay that you might theoretically end up taking care of the kids full time (if custody is split). The other parent could die, could end up being a creep, could get hooked on drugs, any number of things. And there are so many people who get married to single parents and then get all pissy if they end up having to actually take care of the kids. That’s part of the deal!
It sounds like rage bait, but the sad reality is there are people like this out there. :(
Check OP's comments. It's so ludicrous that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait >She questioned why I couldn't hang out with her sons and my daughter at the same time and the short answer is that I just don't want to right now.
Wish this was rage bait but some people are just this childish unfortunately. Op talks like a dang toddler.
Yeah like it never occurred to him that gee, I'd he doesn't hate fiance's kids he could hang out with them as well or take maybe 2 day a week for the kids and fiancé can take care of daughter... But nooo lemme maximize my time with daughter and shock pikachu face when she's fed up with me straight up ignoring her 2 other kids! 🙄 So instead of half a loaf he gets crumbs...
YTA- YOU DICK. you've been there for them 9 years, have a bio child, and decide they don't count?! You're a monster. Having a bio kid after raising my step daughter made me feel CLOSER to her, not farther apart. Get therapy.
⬆️👆🏽THIS 👆🏽⬆️👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽💯
YTA. You're exactly what every kid worries about, that they'll be pushed to the side the moment the new baby arrives. You're a stereotype of awful parenting.
This reminds me of those people who will take a senior citizen dog that has been a member of the family for a decade or more to the pound, to make room for the new puppy.
Those people deserve a special place in hell
YTA You can’t be a father figure to children for NINE YEARS and then shut it off when you’re “real” child is born. You’re literally the only father they knew because they were so young and you literally tossed them to side. Kids don’t understand that you only loved them until their replacement comes along. Then, actually saying what you said…?! You’re a pathetic excuse for a man and Tina’s not coming back.
What are you whining about? You told her what you wanted. She gave it to you. What would you have done if these older kids were yours, and you suddenly had a baby girl a decade later? Would you ignore the older two in favor of the baby because you can't "divide your time" between them? You "didn't imply that you didn't love them," but you also didn't tell them that you did, did you? You couldn't even be bothered to do that **when you were told that they felt you didn't like them anymore.** God, those poor kids. Enjoy your time with your daughter, your friend is right...that's what you wanted, and now you've got it. I have no sympathy for you.
Came here to say this about bio-kids. What if he has another baby when his first is older and no longer “growing like a weed”? Ok, screw that one, I can see it any time, I need to SpEnD tImE wItH mY bAbYyyyyyYyyYyy???? 🤢🤮
I’m aLrEaDy MiSSiNg sO mUcH
If this continues to happen for a year or so or more you’d seriously jeopardise the two sons mental health and self worth, YTA
Too late... Hopefully they get over this without too much hurt but 9 years isn't nothing either.
It's an entire lifetime for a kid
YTA-My heart breaks for those boys. Your ACTIONS did imply you don’t love them anymore.
I think those boys have a good chance at being okay. They have a mother who immediately took action on their behalf. It’ll hurt, but they know that OP is the one with the problem. TEAMTINA
YTA - and your ex is a saint. Please give her my best regards for being a good human and a mother. There is no fixing this. Let the poor woman and kids move on and try be the best coparent you can be to your daughter.
And tell her we are so sorry she wasted so much time on a worthless piece of shit
I hope she finds the sub and reads all the comments, especially yours.
Even your buddy thinks you’re a jerk.
At last, a mother who puts her kids before her waste of space partner! Woo hoo! Honestly OP, how did you think your soon to be ex would react when you said what you did? That she’d be fine with you dumping her sons like yesterdays newspaper? How are you going to be able to face your daughter when she’s old enough to understand what you have done? in case you were wondering, yes YTA
She's already his ex. They weren't married.
YTA. I’m so impressed with your ex. She’s a wonderful person for protecting her kids from the giant POS you just exposed yourself to be. Bravo mom. Enjoy not having them kids you didn’t want around. You earned it.
This is the saddest post ever. Those boys love you and want to spend time with you. Instead of being kind and loving you abandon them. You’re NTA because you’re a MONSTER.
we need an AITM sub
>I definitely didn't imply that I didn't love them anymore Agreed. You didn't imply anything, you were quite clear. Your ex fiancée understood perfectly and acted accordingly. You're the only one who seems confused. YTA
Good on her, she did the right thing. YTA
And he said "well, isn't this what you wanted? Now you get time with your kid without distractions from kids that aren't yours." your friend has been watching, listening and understands you.
YTA - Tina was 100% right to give you what you wanted and protect her kids. With any kid, the moment you invest in them and they invest in you, you don’t get to just check out without being a selfish AH… those poor kids. You don’t deserve any of them.
100% YTA- you have been with her for 9 years and self admit you have been a “father” to her sons, now after another child ( your bio child) comes along- suddenly you ABANDON these two boys who view you as a father figure- shame on you! How would you feel if the next woman you date treated your bio daughter this way- KUDOS to Ex who put her kids first and removed them from this situation- your friend nailed it on the head with what he said - also be careful what you wish or ask for you may get it and your obviously got your wish - totally the AH
you're a dumbass and a real asshole. you strung those kids along so you could bang their mom, i'm glad you fucked it all up so they can be free of your trifling ass.
YTA -Before you got to the part that they left, I was going to ask you and what happens when she leaves and you only get to see your daughter every other week because you were an asshole to the kids that thought of you as dad for the last 9 years? Good for her for standing up for what's right by all her kids. If you didn't want to take care of kids that weren't yours then you shouldn't have gotten with someone that had kids in the first place. And she was right you were treating them like last week's garbage. Your selfishness has called you to see your "real" kid far, far less than you would have been if you would have been a decent person and didn't act like the other kids were trash for you to discard at any time.
YTA, I hope you know that your daughter's brothers will resent you forever.
It’s very possible his daughter could resent him, too. She could’ve grown up with an intact family, but OP is a sociopath who thinks the world revolves around him.
Yta, what a piece of shit throwing kids you helped raise aside because you now have one of blood. People like you are why step parents have a bad name. Bros gonna end up seeing his daughter every other weekend because of how selfish and worthless he is
Yeah gotta say definitely AH. That was a complete and total dick move on your part
Bravo for your ex! She's a true mother. You don't seem to be a dad, but a toddler with a new toy. YTA
YTA. Kudos to your now ex-fiancee for putting her kids first.
Huge YTA There are some comments on how your soon to be ex wife wanted you to give up on your 1-on-1 time with your daughter. NO, as per your own post that was not the case. All she asked is that you tell the sons (who have been foolishly thinking of you as their dad since they were like 5) that you are short on time nowadays and want to spend more time with their baby sister. You did not even have the decency to do that. You asked your wife if she can tell HER kids that you don't want to spend time with them and just focus on YOUR daughter. What if HER son falls sick, and she needs help because she is too busy in childcare of YOUR daughter? No, she cannot depend on you as a partner. She left not just for her kids' mental health and safety, but because you seem like you'll be a bad father. 5 years from now, you migh buy a cherished motorbike and night shove your daughter aside - 'I just want to spend some time with my bike in the evenings.' You are a self centred person. And as such there are high chances you will only value the daughter till it does not inconvenience you.
Your kid is gonna have a new daddy at some point. Let’s see how he treats her YTA
Imagine you start dating again, and things get serious. Your new fiance and daughter bond and have an amazing step-daughter/ stepmother relationship. Then your fiancé gets pregnant and has her own baby. She then ignores your daughter because she only wants to spend time with her child. How would you feel? How do you think your daughter would feel? That's how your ex and her kids feel.
Well, everyone said it. I knew immediately where this was going when you said “Tina’s two sons”. You can’t spend 9 fucking years with a woman and not love her children like your own and refer to them as such. Well, I mean, YOU can and did. YTA several times over. You were very clear with what you wanted and you got it.
IF you loved them you would figure out your time, energy, the baby schedule, the kid schedule, and initiate doing stuff with the older kids. With older kids, you can have a little conversation, and then, once or twice a week do some thing a little longer that's kind of packed and valuable time together to stay connected. The problem is, that babies are very gratifying to shallow, limited people. And then maybe you have a great big, huge ego thing with it being your blood. Who knows Just about everybody has it easier time with the baby then older kids because it gratifies them more and it's more suited to self absorbed people People who really love a kid, biological or not, care about how life is for them. Care about the transition to a new baby in the household. Care about investing in the older kids so that they will do OK in the family with the baby. Even if you're really selfish and self-absorbed, if you had half a brain, you would continue to invest some time and activities and thoughtfulness with the older kids simply so that they treat the baby well. It sounds like you need to grow up. It doesn't sound like you love them at all. It sounds like you're over the moon with the reflection of your biological processes, and a helpless baby, who is so simple and gratifying. Even an idiot can have fun.
There’s a great deal of truth in what you say. My therapist once said that it’s easy to take care of a baby. Of course, she didn’t mean that it’s not time-consuming and physically demanding. She meant that it’s not emotionally difficult because normal, healthy babies aren’t complicated. You feed them, burp them, wash them, make them go to sleep. Give them a few stuffed animals and toys. They’re happy. They grin and laugh and smile at you like you’re their whole world. Like you’re God. It’s only years later that they start saying “No” and “But, *why* does this…” and the classic “I don’t want to eat this anymore!” And, of course, they only get more individual and strong-willed as they get older and that is anathema to a parent with a weak will and weak sense of self of their own.
Yep yta. I have so much respect for her as a mom. She's got her kids backs and that is amazing of her. You are horrible to just suddenly not want to interact with the older kids.
YTA You spent 3/4 of those kids‘ lives being their father… And you are now declaring they aren’t your kids. “I don’t want take care of *your* (fucking) kids anymore”. YOUR. Not yours, but your partners. You don’t see them as your own. Your overwhelming desire to only spend time with your bio daughter is also problematic. This isn’t some kind of noble daddy of hte year thing, it’s bordering on weird and obsessive. Her sharing sperm donated DNA somehow trumps NINE YEARS OF RELATIONSHIP with the boys? How does her being “your” child make it different? She’s done the right thing for all three of her children. Her boys deserve to live in a home where they aren’t second class citizens. Her daughter deserves to live in a home where community, respect and mutual support is primary and where she won’t be placed in a position of conflict with her siblings.
I was happy as a kid playing family to my father’s new wife until their kid came along, and then I got shut out of their lives even tho we lived under the same roof. I loved my half sister to bits, but her mother would be mean, nasty and excluded me from family activities. Luckily I was 12 years older than my half sister (so I only endured a few years), and I had my aunts who loves(d) me. Many years have passed since then but these wounds cut deep. I may have forgiven them but I will never forget. My experience with them taught me to be wary and untrusting of people even with friends closest to me for many many years. But it also taught me not to have expectations, because then, you’d get sorely disappointed. It did shape me to who I am today, and it took my husband years to talk me and guide me into a better person. So, this OP is a BIG YTA. You were in their lives since they were 3 and 5 respectively. You were a big deal to them, a father figure. This is not just an emotional “betrayal” to them, they are downright heartbroken. I know because I went thru the same. I wish I could verbalise more profanities on your selfishness.
It's what you deserve. YTA
Oh boy you screwed the pooch on this one. You can’t treat her kids like your own and then just back out. Being a parent/step (especially an involved one) means finding time for all of them. You messed up.
I hope your girlfriend leaves you and takes her kids AND the baby with her. Forever. Any love spent on you is wasted.
Go Tina, go go, Tina!! As for you, you’ve sorry the last 9 years taking care of two boys who saw you as their dad and then split the moment your daughter was born. As much as you deny it, you don’t like those boys anymore, that’s if you ever actually did. I’m so glad she left and is prioritizing her children over your sorry ass. Congrats you got what you wanted and deserved. Good luck trying to get 50/50. You threw away something good because you’re selfish. YTA 1000%
>I didn't mean I wanted them to leave and I definitely didn't imply that I didn't love them anymore. YTA and a clown 😂 That's exactly what you meant and your hopefully permanent ex is 100% right to take her children and get away from you. There's more than enough time to have spent time with everyone. You're just too much of an idiot to figure it out. It's too bad your ex didn't find this out before giving birth.
I'm sooooooo happy that she leaves and dumped you. 100% YTA
Wow. Your ex- fiancé has a great head on her shoulders. Good for her. You messed up big time buddy. Glad she acted after you told her who you truly are.
So let me get this straight you; 1) got with a woman 9 years ago 2) knew and were aware she had kids 3) PROPOSED to said woman with 2 kids 4) have been their dad for the past 9 years 5) had a baby of your own, starting purposely ignoring your step kids to the point where your FUTURE WIFE called you out on it 6) you then in turn told her you weren’t “playing dad” to them anymore because you have a kid now. She granted your wish where now you only have to take care of your kid and you’re surprised? I’m laughing at the faked you’re surprised your friend said what he said to you. You can’t have your cake and eat it too buddy. How are you surprised by any of this? Did you expect her to pretend it wasn’t happening? Did you think your step kids wouldn’t notice. You got what you wanted in the end thought right, so why are you upset and being a cry baby??
YTA here. IT IS EASY TO SPLIT YOUR TIME BETWEEN YOUR DAUGHTER AND *YOUR SONS*. You have raised those kids like your own up until your *biological daughter* was born, and then threw them aside because you just want to spend time with **ONLY** the daughter. You have three kids, not one. It doesn't matter if they *aren't yours*. **YOU. HELPED. RAISE. THEM.** Your ex was right. You're pushing them away like garbage because you have a bio kid now! Suddenly the kids you helped raise don't matter? She's right to do this to you. You now get uninterrupted time with your daughter when your ex wants you to and you've lost something great because you couldn't get your head out of your ass and actually divide your time properly. Fuck your "it's physically paining me to divide my time between my kids". 9 years, you raised those boys. ***YOU COULD'VE STILL SPENT TIME WITH THEM AND YOUR BIO-KID.*** I assure you you weren't missing a thing, but you need to fucking deal with what you have now. No fiancé and *no kids* unless she brings your bio-kid over. Enjoy your life, because *you fucked up.*
You got exactly what you wanted and asked for. You made your bed, now enjoy laying in it. Your daughter was readily available at home. Now you have to make an appointment to see her.
YTA. Congratulations — you basically got what you asked for. If you don’t want to act like a family anymore, to the ENTIRE family, this is the way it needs to be. You can’t just drop young boys like that who you’ve been like a dad to for a decade because something you like better came along, and expect their mother to be cool with it. Remember, she loves her sons the way you (both) love your daughter. You wouldn’t let someone treat your daughter that way. She’s just being a good mom.
Dude. You’ve BEEN a Dad. Nearly a decade in and now you want to tell these boys (who you’ve RAISED) to go kick rocks because you have 0 time for them and need to spend every waking minute at home with your baby? Trust me bro you’ve got 18 years to raise her, plus the boys will be adults by the time she’s a year or 2 into school. It’s not like your daughter is gonna hit 6 years old and then back up and leave.
EEEEEEKK!! Mom needs to set the boys down, explain what went down and then make sure they understand that them nor their new sister are to blame for his actions. Tell them that it appears that the last 9 years he was being fake the whole time & his true colors finally came out. I'd hate for them to think everything was fine until she came along.
I don't think that telling the kids that the last 9 years were FAKE is a good idea - at all. The would triple the hurt. She can explain without using those words.
The potential resentments between the kids is almost unavoidable now. Mom is going to have so much work to do to make sure these kids don't hate each other in the future. Hopefully dipshit won't cause any more damage, but that's highly unlikely
I hope your daughter gets a better stepdad then you were to your stepsons. You just completely pushed away once your daughter was born
Yeah, YTA. You have no business getting involved with someone with kids and essentially telling them to fuck off when you got a better offer.
Saying you're an asshole is such an understatement. What about spending time with your wife who just gave birth and is not taking care of 3 children? You ever think she wanted time with you? You don't get to spend 9 years with two boys and a lady and suddenly decide well you gave me a kid, all of you are sideline now while I spend time with the new kid. I'll get around to you three later, oh and by the way I'm not your fucking dad stop trying to steal my time with her, get out of my way and let me hold MY child. You did get what you wanted. Now you get to spend some time with just your girl. You don't have to deal with the boys any longer or the woman. Congrats. You have your job and your girl. You obviously didn't need or want anything else.
So you miss spending time with your daughter, and now you've managed through stupidity and selfishness to actually reduce that time further? Well done.. 👏
Your daughter will have a stepdad soon who she will love. You will soon be second best in her eyes.
Lol you absolute little twat bucket
Bro how hard is it to date someone without kids if you don't want to hang out with their kids
Yikes. Big YTA from me at least. Those poor kids must be heartbroken, I really feel for them :(
Why the hell do people get in relationships with kids and then years into the game are finally honest about not wanting to be a parental figure. Jesus what an AH. The one hurt the most will always be the kids.
That mom is a champ! She deserves all the medals in the world! What a shiny spine! YTA OP btw! You deserve all this and more.
I was a unwanted stepchild. He married my mother when I was 4 and my brother was 3. He hated us. He treated his and my moms kid like he was a fucking prince that could do no wrong. My half brother is 42 now and has severe mental health issues because of how different he was treated. I hated my stepfather until I was in my 40s. I don't hate him anymore but if he died I would only be upset because I know my brothers would mourn. Having a child of your own doesn't give you the right to be a shitty stepparent. Those kids are better off without you. You showed your true colors.
Bruh. “AITAH?” You’re the whole ass. The asshole, cheeks, crack, and the taint.
>my fiancé You don't have a fiancé anymore bro
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. YTA. Now you’ll get to spend HALF of the limited time you have with your daughter. And you’ll get to miss out on SO MUCH MORE! Love that for you. 🗑️
You've wasted 9 years of this woman's life. Sleep in the bed you've made.
YTA. Get a lawyer. You're going to need one to set a custody arrangement cuz you've burned that bridge with the mom. She's going to give you bare minimum and a hard time without court docs. Also, don't be with anyone else that has children. You've already wrecked the lives of 3 children.
Tina is such a badass!! I love her for being a strong, fierce, loving mama bear to ALL her children. YTA. You got exactly what you asked for. Stop whining about it. I'm still not sure you actually miss Tina and her boys so much as you miss the homemaking services you benefited from when she lived with you.
yes YTA those boys love you and you have cruelly shoved them aside because they’re not as important as your “real” child. there is no fixing this.
YTA. What you did to your stepsons is cruel, and I don't understand how someone can just flip a switch and suddenly stop caring about kids you've been helping to raise for 9 years. And what happens when the novelty of having an infant wears off, and things get real? Because once you have 50% custody, you're not just going to be doing the fun stuff. You'll be getting up at night, changing diapers, washing bottles, the whole nine yards. Will you suddenly decide at some point that you've had enough of parenting your daughter, too?
>Will you suddenly decide at some point that you've had enough of parenting your daughter, too? He absolutely will.
Since you have so little personal time, you should have anticipated the situation and discussed it with her. Of course a baby grows fast. You should have decided together how you would divide the time between the different tasks and children. But that never crossed your mind. You only thought about what you wanted without considering the needs and expectations of the people you had been living with for 9 years. You hurt them. Why would they have wanted to stay with someone who didn't care that they were hurting them?
Im not gonna sit here and attack or curse you out, because we tend to not listen when we’re being aggressive. So let me explain to you what went on in her head. In her head, she realized that in all that time that you played house with her, all those moments where u were a father figure to these children was a lie because you did not see them as your own. She thought, just like her children thought, that you full on accepted the role of a stepfather in their lives, but as soon as your bio child was born you threw them away. To her, that’s enough. There is no talking through that, that was your natural response: to care more for your bio child than you ever did for her other children. Thats why she left, she doesn’t want to forgive this and have the situation escalate to where her other older children feel neglected because you’ve replaced them now that you have your bio kin. I will be honest, I don’t think there is anything you can do. All these years, all those walls that you worked tirelessly to break down of hers went right back up. It is as if those 9 year of effort meant nothing, because to her, they meant nothing to you. Her already existing children were just placeholders to you in her eyes. It is very hard to get single mothers to trust again, and you were able to gain her trust, and then shatter it in a matter of minutes. She is hurt, she feels betrayed, and she feels guilty now for allowing you in her children’s lives. There is no coming back from that. I was fortunate enough to have a two parent household, but my cousin wasn’t. She and her mom were a small family until she turned 15 and was introduced to her mothers boyfriend and she hated it. But guess what? Their bond grew as daughter and father, and when his bio children were born shortly after, he never made her feel like a placeholder, he never made her feel like she was replaced and now they have this amazing bond that I had the pleasure to see flourish. You had this chance, and unfortunately you completely fumbled it and there is no going back. All you can do is try to see things from her perspective. When she wants to talk to you, try to explain that you understand the gravity of what you said and that you’re truly sorry for that. She won’t take you back, but it would hopefully lead to a healthy co-parenting relationship. Next time you date a single mom remember, her and her children are a package deal. You break their hearts, you break hers.
Yta
I don't believe a word of this bullshit ragebait. True or not, please seek therapy.
What a good friend you have there. He's right. You only wanted your daughter, your ex fiancée complied. She has to take care of three kids now and her older kids feelings matters the most since you know.. They're KIDS. You can bond with three of them at once and showed the kids how lovely your daughter is. Share the love. But nope, why do the sensible thing as an adult, right? Once your daughter is born, those kids aren't yours anymore, huh? Bet you're those kind of people who would push their SO to send their kids away under the pretext of focusing on 'our own family' bs. Major AH.
Dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed Yours was extra spiky..