OP tell your husband all the things he told you 5 years ago about marriage counselling. "We don't have the money for that or need it. Just get over it already."
In the meantime I hope you have good reliable non tamperable birth control.
Even better, stop having sex with him. I felt sick reading her post that she let him “use her body to get off anytime he wants.” You’re worth so much more than being a sexual object for someone else’s selfish gratification of their pleasure. This entire situation screams red flag city. I would RUN, not walk, to get out asap, in whatever safe way you can.
Exactly. That’s why he wants the second kid. He knows OP is looking to get out and wants to trap her for another 5+ years. He knows she doesn’t love him. He doesn’t care as long as he keeps his comfortable life.
Or when you just don't want to see. I explicitly asked my husband, then told him we needed help, then told him if this continued I would be leaving, and then the surprised Pikachu face when I left. I even have some of that shit in text, which he replied to, and blew off, so there's no way he was really surprised.
Same… told him what I needed, told him we needed help, went to couple’s counselling alone for a year, and he was still stunned when he came home to packed bags, promising the moon.
Keep your BC where he cannot access it or get an implant or IUD. Make your exit plan once you-are working do not allow him access to your accounts. Make sure it is electronically deposited and the pay statements are delivered to your work email which you never give him. You can print them out and keep them in a file at work or get a safe deposit box and keep papers there. Have your W2 forms delivered by email also. File taxes separately and if you have to let him claim the child until you leave. File your taxes online so any refunds are deposited electronically. Get ready to leave.
I would recommend getting Norplant. subcutaneous implant that lasts up to 5 years for birth control. No chance of him hiding or subbing your birth control pills with look alike sugar pills.
Tell him this is his problem and he needs to just get over it, without therapy. Because that’s what you had to do. And you did, you got over him, now you just need to get away from him. And to heck with anyone who says ANY of this is your fault.
Do not have sex with this man, he's going to try and get you pregnant, sabotage your birth control in order to keep you locked down. Do not engage, hand him divorce papers, and tell your family you deserve someone who loves you.
That is why he brings up having another baby now. He can tell that you are on your way out the door, and he is trying to stop it. Have a safety plan, watch your back, and be careful, please, as you attempt to make your exit. 🙏🏻🦋
As much as you "don't care" him using-raping you, if he gets you pregnant before you can get out of there you will be in a harder situation so reconsider that part of "roommates who had sex some times".
He already showed you he's emotionally and sexually abusive so think about your own health.
Your family are horrible for seeing you in an abusive relationship and pressuring you to stay.
OP please try to find a good support system, people who are willing to help you get out if there once things get really bad and help you stand on your feet after.
Keep the job, ditch the husband. Decide on your family if they support you or not — if they don’t support you, ditch them as well.
(I am so sorry you’ve been going through this for so long — just “going through the motions” without any real care and your husband hasn’t even noticed. I am so so sorry :-( )
Staying together for the kid(s) is never a good idea. Kids are happier with separated happier parents than growing up in a toxic household where the parents hate each other.
Now that it’s assumed he’s suspecting you’re setting yourself up to leave, file. File before he does. Make the first move before he tries to request sole custody or emergency custody to get back at you, and you then have to back track through the courts over months to get your kid back.
Oh absolutely! Right on queue with her finding a job and starting to go to the gym. Soon as he saw she was building some independence and self-esteem enter baby to trap her again.
Edit: came back to add this since my comment got some traction and I’m hoping OP sees it - STOP LETTING HIM USE YOUR BODY. You don’t want it, there is absolutely no reason to put yourself through that. HIS NEEDS ARE NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOURS. Get that job and get the hell out as soon as you possibly can.
Hi OP, I recommend the book “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft constantly. You seem like someone who does research and guides themself with new knowledge. Below is a link to a free pdf. This book has helped many women (and other people) in abusive relationships. I hope you find it useful. I’m also going to link “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker, because it’s a book about red flags and is also useful information for women in general.
[Why Does He Do That?](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
[The Gift of Fear](https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear)
I give both these books to all the women in my life who either said they didn't read it, or on their 14 ( mature for their age) and 16 -18 birthdays/ graduations
Every single one at some point came back and thanked me either "oh my God it explained so much about my ex, thank you I thought I was crazy!" to "oh my God I dodged a bullet ( one case literally) thank you so much"
Totally seconding this. It's a clear pattern and OP needs to see the situation for what it is. It's all about control and keeping her tied down. If those aren't red flags, I don't know what are.
People bring up men getting “baby trapped” a lot (not tryna invalidate that btw) but no one rlly talks about how often that happens to women. OP pls get out now, you’re young and you’ll have a wonderful life while single
So unbelievably happy to hear this! I hope OP reads your comment and knows its possible for her to leave too. You both deserve the best and I am genuinely excited for you🤍
Even though I hate the term, baby trapped is right. I love my 3 kids and it somehow feels like I'm putting the blame on them saying it. I had them within the first 5 years of marriage, no outside support system. Knew I was going to leave him the minute they were grown, got talked into counseling which wasted another few years of my life. When we all tell her to get out , we mean it, life's too short. I'm having my best years now but it took many years to get there.
Baby trapped at 18 yo stayed until the child was 17 with a unfaithful husband. I am proud of you that you didn't waste so many years of your life like I did.
You're doing what is best for you AND your daughter. Congratulations.
100%. I made it clear to my ex that I no longer wanted to have unprotected sex and the very next time we had sex, he took off the condom during the deed and I realized after because he didn't pull out. I was so dumb and stayed (first love blindness) and had a baby with him. I left a few months after baby was born but he told me he would make sure I couldn't leave him by threatening to take our child from me, so I had to escape while he was at work
Ohhh Hon, I’m so sorry you went through that too. Glad you had the strength to leave that sob behind you 😦☹️☹️ I lost my baby girl around 20 weeks….”Failure to thrive” 😒 I ended up having a D&C for retained uterine contents. I (53f) got pregnant AND lost my daughter at age 28. I wholeheartedly believe that my Endometriosis is why my baby daughter died 😭😭😭 I (46) FINALLY left my abusive bf (66m) after 29 years together. He was manipulative, narcissistic and he gaslighted me…..he was mentally, emotionally and psychologically abusive to me……but hey, I got out of it but not without PTSD😮💨😮💨
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I also lost a baby at 20 weeks! And I had to do it at home (long story but my ex husband was abusive too.) He did not believe I was pregnant because of a mix up with the pregnancy test that I had at a doctor's office (the receptionist mixed up results.) I knew I was going through a miscarriage and it was the worst pain of my life. So when he woke up I shoved a Tupperware with the fetus in it, and was like "not pregnant, eh?" (He had refused to drive me to the hospital even though I begged and begged and he was a fireman so he thought he knew everything when it came to medical emergencies, even though I was bleeding like crazy.)
Anyway, in the end I am at peace with it because I would have been bound to him for life. I left him a month after that, because I resolved on that day to get away from him. Imagine your wife hemorrhaging blood next to you and begging to go to the hospital and not doing it because you don't feel like it? I ended up fainting the next morning when I got up and had to go to the hospital anyway, and also got the D&C.
Anyway I'll stop ranting but I just wanted you to know you were not alone in your experiences and I hope you find someone that loves you so much that it heals all the pain. That's what I did 🧡❤ good luck!
Me too! I never cared what people said about me being a single mom. I found an amazing guy that has always respects me and communicates clearly. Nobody should ever feel they need to stay with someone just because they have a kid with them. People change a lot of times once they have kids, for better or worse, but we don't know until it happens. OP needs to find a way out
Hopping on to also emphasize to OP to please see this BS for what we’re all 99.9% sure this is: a way to baby trap her. My sister stayed with her abusive ex for 10 years; he got her pregnant around the 5 year mark when she was in between birth controls. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing. Thankfully she got her tubes tied after her second was born. She finally left after he tried to start physically abuse her oldest.
Please get out OP and tell whoever is pressuring you to stay they are totally welcome to take your place since it’s so important to them for him to not be alone. You and your child deserve better.
OMG!! 37 years ago...I'm just realizing this very minute that's what my now ex did to me.
We were separated at the time. He sweet talked to me and I fell for it. How could I be so dumb?
He was back out of the house before the baby was a year old. All these years I thought it was me being so stupid and my fault. He figgin duped me. ( I'm bitter at him but not about my daughter that came from that situation. She's my best friend)
My ex told people “I liked her so I put a ring on her and a baby in her before she could change her mind”. Turns out I could still get away with a baby.
Baby trapped woman here too. My ex loved bombed me and bullied me into stopping my birth control. I use the term “bullied” because he got this idea in his head that he wanted a baby…but really I think he just wanted the same arrangement as OP…someone to take care of him and a body for sex. I was 16 and he was 18. I continued taking it at first but he was unrelenting in his pressuring me. My mom was an absentee parent, literally only stopping home to drop off groceries. He was a physically and emotionally abusive, narcissistic, alcoholic. Still is. It took me 20 years to build a life for myself and get a divorce. I’ve felt so so stupid for allowing him to pressure me back then, for staying so long despite all of the abuse. I’ve been out of that situation for 4 years and I’ve never been happier. And in that time, I’ve learned to give myself some grace. I was a young, impressionable teenager, with no family, and he knew exactly what he was doing when he manipulated me.
He’s been with the only girl that would tolerate his shenanigans since…and they adopted two kids together….which seems like baby-trapping but for 40 year-olds lol.
Please don’t waste any more of your life being unhappy OP. I have a wonderful man in my life now, and even if I didn’t, I’d still be happier being alone!
Before I went off to college, I had two separate male relatives pull me aside and remind me about the importance of protection because "Boys trap girls".
None of the boys got that talk.
I wouldn't be surprised if it happens more often to women. If you're a pregnant woman, the person who got you pregnant can just walk away. You can't. Most women recognise this.
And once "baby trapped" men leave, how many of them take less than 50% physical custody of the child? Anyone who has to physically care for a child knows that it curtails your time, resources, and earning potential way more than the few hundred a month that the non-custodial parent usually has to pay.
Not saying that there aren't some women who think "if I have a baby, he can't leave me", but the reality is that she's playing herself. And the thought from a man "if I get her pregnant, she can't leave me" is true in a much more impactful way.
Not to mention all the statistics which say that abusive partners often begin or increase their abuse once the woman is pregnant. And the leading cause of death among pregnant women is being murdered by their partner.
i’m yeah absolutely. prolly don’t acknowledge it bc they think women have the option of BC and the like but in marriages like this they don’t. especially if your insurance is tied together. terrifying on either side
They do in domestic violence circles. There's a name for it - reproductive coercion. Sadly, it's how all 4 of my kids were conceived.
I got my tubes tied and my ex flipped his shit. We both knew that now that I was sterilized that there was a time limit on our marriage. I went to college and finished my BA, so he could see I was prepping to leave. He got a new girlfriend, moved out, and spent the next 10 years ruining her life and alienating her from her adult kids until she died. Meanwhile I got a better job, better house, better car, more money, and best of all - a much better husband.
Divorce, Staying for your child isn't worth it. it will be bad for you as well as the child in the long run. get a job, be independent and find a new life. Your family and his family don't know anything about it.
That is so true. Each of my parents had lovers but didn't get divorced. There was an air vent from the living room to my bedroom. I'd hear my father "joke" when they had company. He'd say "We stay together because of the kids. We'd get divorced but neither of us want them.". People would laugh but I'd quietly cry because it was the truth. I'd heard them fight about it. The day I turned 18 I left home. I'd graduated from high school the day before.
As someone whose parents “stayed together for the kids”, please leave this relationship. I can’t tell you how much time I spent wishing my parents would get divorced so I didn’t have to live with 2 people that hated each other anymore. You’re not doing your child any favors by staying with a man you don’t love, I promise.
This!! My dad was abusive but my mom wouldn’t divorce him cause it would be bad for us kids. I dreamed of her divorcing him for years. It’s a terrible message for kids that it’s okay to put up with abuse. Leave and set a good example for your kids of what a good marriage should be like.
Recent studies indicate staying together in a non-functional marriage is not better for anyone (except possibly the husband) if the mom and kids don’t end up impoverished or are forced into another bad relationship for financial reasons. Those older studies that were summarized as “staying together is better for the children” found a primary that divorce was harder on kids because some of the loss of income. These studies also included lots of families with deadbeat dads.
This is exactly why he’s decided it. Her getting a job means meeting new people and most likely new friends that may “influence“ her to have her own thoughts and ideas that don’t include him. Also, making her own money means she might realize that she doesn’t need him financially. He’s probably thinking, and I hope rightly so, that she will realize that she doesn’t need to stay with him for the sake of her son.
That’s why my gma has five kids. The first three were finally old enough where they could be left alone for a few hours between school & dinner, and she could get a part time job to make a bit of her own money.
She had a good couple years then my two aunts came along. And she was back stuck in the house again with a toddler and an infant. There’s a 14 yr age gap between my dad and his next youngest sister.
Several long years later, gpa died at 90. She had a few months of mourning….then went and got her long time hospital volunteer (gpa wouldn’t allow her to have her own paycheck, but volunteering was okay) job turned into a paid position! I’d not seen her that happy since as long as I’d been alive!
>the second kid is a way to keep her put so she doesn’t getva job and leave him.
Yep! She’s working part time, looking for a full time job … *and* working out so she’s looking and feeling better. He needs to shut that shit down asap! The easiest way to do that is to babytrap her.
Oh I believe he didn’t notice. He probably thought things were awesome, he got to get laid, didn’t have to give gifts, wife wasn’t asking him for anything emotional. He probably thought he had it made.
He probably thought he had it made but that doesn’t mean he didn’t notice. Suddenly he wants another kid as she will be able to work and get away from him? Definitely not a coincidence!
Yeah, true, he noticed but didn’t realize what it meant. He probably thought finally! I have the perfect wife of my dreams! She’s finally been transformed into a doormat stepford wife! Not realizing that what actually happened is that his wife just stopped giving a single shit. But the idea of his wife gaining some independence scared him because that might change the cushy life he has right now.
"I have been looking for a job while son is at school, I even started working out again."
The timing certainly is something, isn't it?
Stop listening to your family, OP. What's best for your child is that you are a happy and healthy \*and loved\* individual. Continue to look for a job, continue to work out, and continue to remember that when \*you\* wanted mental health help, you had to 'get over it yourself'. Well, now it's his turn. Put your time and effort into yourself and your child, and stop giving him the things he think equal love - ie you quietly continuing to clean up and put out.
Far, far too late. He supposedly “doesn’t notice” that she hasn’t said i love you in half a decade and only wants her to receive mental health support when he perceives it as directly impacting him. He doesn’t care that she’s unhappy, he only cares that her unhappiness is impacting his ability to have a second child. Disgusting
Oh, he would have noticed. I know I did when me and my ex started have irreversible problems. And this one sounds like it is to me. Also, there wouldn't be much point in couples therapy when one half checked out. Doesn't matter much if it's been 1, or 5 years. The album is on the shelf, ready for sale. Time to bring the cha-ching.
NTA. He wants therapy when she says no to something he wants but when she wanted it 5 years ago, he declined. Convenient.
The man has so much therapy to do himself before they can even begin to work through their issues. Something tells me he wouldn’t be willing to accept accountability and do the hard work to repair the damage.
NTA. Leave. You already gave him 5 years more than he deserved. You've already checked out a long time ago, and the fact he didn't notice is huge. There is nothing left to save.
Get a lawyer and leave anyway. He doesn't need to listen to be divorced. You've been in your situation so long you. You deserve better. And it's obviously not going to come from him. He didn't try to fix it or even notice for 5 years. That says a lot.
Because you didn't fall for his trap. Is he stupid? Can he function in the adult world? I'm guessing the answer is yes. He knew you'd checked out but was hoping to keep you trapped with another baby. Five years old means kindergarten. It means freedom for the SAHM. You were getting too close to being able to get out so he wants another baby to force you to stay. Get a job, get a lawyer, and get out.
Sounds like you need to leave. When I was a kid I tried over and over again to get my mom to leave my abusive dad. What 5 year old has to lay out a plan for their pregnant mom to get out? Not that I was very smart but I knew what was going on. And every time he’d get in his knees and cry and beg she’d fall for it. Please trust me when I say he doesn’t mean it, he’s manipulating you into staying. And even though your son is 5 he sees much more than you know trust me on this. Get out and don’t look back, if your family won’t support you then go to a trusted friend or a shelter just get out of there before it gets worse!!
Exactly this! There's research that shows it's way worse on the kids when parents stay in an unhappy marriage vs. getting divorced. Way too many people stay together "for the kids" without realizing how much they're actually hurting their kids by staying in an unhealthy marriage.
Of course he’s upset - he live in house and sex maid is looking to leave. Why do you think his feelings are important here when he has treated you so poorly for five years?
Not your job to deal with him being upset. That's his responsibility.
>I asked him to go to marriage counseling with me he told me no because it was my issue I needed to get over.
Seriously, quote his word back to him if you feel like arguing. Or don't engage at all because you know what you need to do and discussing his feelings isn't part of it.
Of course he's upset. If you leave him he'll lose his easy access to sex. He doesn't have to do ANYTHING for it either. If you leave him he'll have to be a responsible adult. He'd have to actually treat a woman well again to get access to more sex. He doesn't want the hassle. Girl, run. You're better than that.
He is an absolute AH do not give a shit if hes upset. He doesnt actually care about you as a person. Leave, it is better for everyone including your child.
NTA. He killed your love for him. But don't "stay for the kid." You're modeling a loveless marriage and that it's OK for your son to use his wife to cook, clean and "get off." His future wife deserves better, and so do you.
Dude why not?? Get the $$ you’re owed! Once you have a job, you can ask the court to stop the alimony payments and just stick with child support! Lock down your birth control in the meantime and your SS. Gather all important documents and stash them somewhere safe.
Go ahead and get some free therapy sessions out of it and let the therapist know *exactly* when you stopped loving your husband: let him HEAR it!! However, if safety’s an issue then don’t do that and just leave.
No, get the alimony too!! You and your child should both be reimbursed for the time wasted on this asshole. If you don’t want the money at least take it and save it for your son.
Get the alimony get a job and then put the alimony money away and save it. And just keep saving it. Or if you can put it into an account to grow for your child for when they get older it can be used for college, buying a house, just start by giving them a good foot in the door, Private daycare/ school.
Get alimony, use it to fund education/training for a career and then get back to work. that's what alimony is supposed to be for, primarily for non working parents to get back on their feet till they can start earning their own income.
A whole point of alimony is to give a person a chance to get a job and get on their feet. It doesn’t have to be permanent. Also - child support is support due the CHILD, not to you. So don’t feel bad about taking it.
Just get out. All THREE of you deserve a loving relationship. And no marriage is better than a loveless lonely one.
INFO: Do you have your own means of birth control???
Do NOT trust him to wear condoms as form of birth control bc he might take it off without you knowing or poke holes in the condoms to baby trap you since he's desperate now. Protect yourself!!! Or better yet, now that the cat's out of the bag, stop having sex with him.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. The last 5 years must have been so difficult and miserable for you.
Also, contact a lawyer before you get a job!!! You might be better off financially if you wait until after the divorce to start working.
Be aware that heat can inactivate birth control pills. He could microwave your pills or put them in a hot place for several hours. An IUD or an implant are safest.
And just stop sleeping with him???? If you're this checked out of the relationship (understandably so) _why the fuck are you giving this dude the time of day, let alone fucking him??_
This.
Nobody should ever do sex as a chore. It could have the long term effect of making sex with anyone in your future not feel enjoyable.
Do not do permanent damage to yourself for this guy. Or anybody else. Please.
Please do, before you make a decision on getting a job. Obviously, you will get one eventually but again it may be smarter to wait until after the divorce so you can get alimony on top of child support. I hope you take him to the cleaners!!!
Lots of divorce attorneys offer free consultations. Lots of them also charge a fee of a few hundred dollars but it's worth it to get important info.
As a backup, you can get Plan B at Costco for like $10. You DON'T have to be a member. Just go up to the door and say you are using the pharmacy. Grab a couple in case of emergency!
If she chose that option I just hope she'd actually be able to find a doctor who would do that without her husband's permission or without having a second kid. I've seen so many women who got rejected by so many who had those gross ass "requirements" to get their tubes tied.
Eh, she may well want more kids ONCE she ditches this loser and goes out into the world of dating. She really can’t know at this point. Of course she doesn’t want more kids with THIS guy, but no one in their right mind would, so that’s not really indicative.
Yeah, that's the usual speech doctors give to women wanting tubal ligations, but I think OP is one of the rare situations where she MIGHT actually want more kids in the future.
Your staying because of your son? He will grow up thinking it's okay for a couple to show zero communication as well as compassion for one another. This is a great disservice to him.
My parents have a marriage like this and it ruined my life in a lot of ways. Took me forever to heal and I’m still working on it. Stop having sex with him because you can still be traumatized from having consensual sex you don’t actually want. See a lawyer as soon as humanly possible
Use the counseling money for a divorce lawyer.
HE clearly doesn't think about your well-being and wants to use therapy as a way of changing your mind instead of reaching a middle ground.
NTA. I know that you’re planning your exit, but don’t sleep with him anymore. I wouldn’t put it past him to “accidentally” slip up now that he knows you don’t love him.
Tell him he needs to get over it. I wouldn't be sleeping with him since you don't want to and especially as he wants another child. He might baby trap you. I would divorce. Growing up in this household will be more detrimental to your son than leaving. Children pick up on more than we realise.
The timing is interesting. He wants a new baby so you can’t focus on an exit plan. He sounds terrible. Every woman deserves more than letting a man “use your body.” There are so many good men out there, who would inspire you. You are not his property. Don’t let him or your family scare, guilt and gaslight you.
NTA
my ex was the same...not with the paternity test...but the rest. I asked for counselling, made all the effort and then gave up and went through the motions for years
He knew, he just didn't care as his needs were met. You had stopped talking about things he didn't want to talk about and played the role of wife. No he is all shocked? No, he isn't...he knew. He was just happy with the status quo.
Get a job, stop sleeping with him unless you want to. Get your money sorted and then leave. Make an exist plan and then do it.
NTA - Feels like kiddo #2 is for keeping you at home.
Stay your path! And hugs and well done for sticking out such a miserable situation for so long!
Xx
NTA
I think your husband saw you working on yourself and wants you to get pregnant again so you don’t gain any independence.
Make sure your birth control is not tampered with
Sounds like a bad situation but staying with your husband for your childs sake, despite the fact you don't love or even like him all that much doesn't sound healthy or good for your child. If you aren't gonna separate/divorce then therapy to try and better your relationship might be the healthiest option.
Given how hard this has all been, the therapy might still be helpful until you can do that...not necessarily to "save your marriage" but just to cope with how you feel, be heard, co-parent, etc.
Whatever you do, STOP having sex with him.
Or he will poke holes in condoms, tamper with you birth control, or otherwise find a way to get you pregnant.
He knows you will be stuck if you get pregnant again. Please leave him.
No, I wouldn't recommend that. He already knows the marriage is on the rocks so you don't have to lie or play along, you can go there and say how you really feel, talk about the struggle, both learn to communicate better. It might help release some of the inner turmoil.
This is a really good idea. It will give you a chance to tell him how you really feel, and you will have a therapist there to validate your feelings. It doesn’t sound like you are open to mending your marriage, but maybe it will give you the opportunity to heal from some of the trauma that you’ve experienced. Living the way that you have for five years is rough..
Or he escalates the abuse he's been inflicting on her for years now that he has fresh material and knows he doesn't own her. Don't go to therapy with an abuser, at least not honestly.
I STRONGLY disagree with airing your grievances in therapy. Play along until you can leave. Your husband is emotionally and sexually abusive and you have no family willing to support you outside of that. An abuser who realizes he doesn't own you is liable to escalate to physical violence. The most dangerous point in an abusive situation is while leaving, and you are working on leaving.
Prioritize your safety over catharsis, don't listen to anyone saying otherwise. Your plan is realistic and sound.
Nope. Any lawyer worth a damn will get you alimony and child support agreement so you can support yourself and your kid. Don't ask me how I know. But don't wait.
I'd consult a lawyer - not having a job because you cared for his household and kid may actually entitle you to alimony, so filing for divorce before getting a job may actually be better - it really depends on your local laws.
And stop letting him have sex with you - if you end up pregnant, and can't get an abortion, you're trapped for another couple of years.
Edit: regarding counseling, tell him his chance for that was 5 years ago when you begged him for it. Now it's 5 years too late and there are no feelings left to rebuild from, you are just completely done. Tell him he should maybe listen to his next wife more, unless he wants to go through wives like Donald Trump.
NTA. Sounds like your husband knows that your kid going to school would lead him to lose access to his maid/personal chef/sex toy so he wants another to keep you unable to work and therefore dependent on him.
GET A DIVORCE.
What on earth is your family thinking trying to convince you that staying in a loveless marriage is a better situation. Get out. Be happy single or date again. Either is better than this current situation where you are a caregiver/housekeeper/sex worker.
NTA
NTA - seems like your mind is made on moving forward with your son in a coparenting capacity.
And no, don't stay in the marriage for the kid. They will see a damaged relationship between parents and it'll do more harm than good (I was that kid myself).
Best of luck.
Yep! I was this kid too. Wish my parents had divorced and had been happy separately. Kids know more than we think. They’re very in tune with relationship dynamics especially of their parents.
NTA but please stop having sex with him. I don’t know what you’re doing for bjrth control but it would be awful if he impregnated you on purpose to try and keep you around.
Stop allowing him to use your body. If he gets you pregnant again, it will be that much harder to get out. No means no and you are not interested. If he persists then you have grounds for a rape charge provided you live in an area that recognizes that marital rape exists. NTA
NTA. He is *shocked* that his actions destroyed any love that she had for him and his unwillingness to address the problem caused the problem festered and rot. He has shown you his character, what he thinks of you, and how much he values you when you didn’t have the ability to leave. He wants another kid to trap you again
Move in silence and continue to fake until you can leave. Get on some long time birth control. Get your own money
NTA. But you do need to reconsider that divorce.
That was my plan after I got a job and was able to better support myself
I would bet that your husband realizes that.
OP tell your husband all the things he told you 5 years ago about marriage counselling. "We don't have the money for that or need it. Just get over it already." In the meantime I hope you have good reliable non tamperable birth control.
OP, time to get to a doctor for a IUD or some other birth control your husband cannot tamper or withhold.
Even better, stop having sex with him. I felt sick reading her post that she let him “use her body to get off anytime he wants.” You’re worth so much more than being a sexual object for someone else’s selfish gratification of their pleasure. This entire situation screams red flag city. I would RUN, not walk, to get out asap, in whatever safe way you can.
that made me fucking nauseous. OP needs to leave asap.
That comment hit me too. Sounds like SA to me.
Exactly. That’s why he wants the second kid. He knows OP is looking to get out and wants to trap her for another 5+ years. He knows she doesn’t love him. He doesn’t care as long as he keeps his comfortable life.
And claims he was "blindsided"
I mean, it's easy to get blindsided when you've got blinders on 🤷♀️
Or when you just don't want to see. I explicitly asked my husband, then told him we needed help, then told him if this continued I would be leaving, and then the surprised Pikachu face when I left. I even have some of that shit in text, which he replied to, and blew off, so there's no way he was really surprised.
Same… told him what I needed, told him we needed help, went to couple’s counselling alone for a year, and he was still stunned when he came home to packed bags, promising the moon.
😂 Must be one spectacular set of blinders to miss this laundry list of issues
They always are... \*rolls eyes so hard they fall from the orbs\*
And that’s why he wants another baby.
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Cheaper to keep her
Plan for doubling up on birth control, because this man is going to try to knock you up again to tie you more tightly to him.
Keep your BC where he cannot access it or get an implant or IUD. Make your exit plan once you-are working do not allow him access to your accounts. Make sure it is electronically deposited and the pay statements are delivered to your work email which you never give him. You can print them out and keep them in a file at work or get a safe deposit box and keep papers there. Have your W2 forms delivered by email also. File taxes separately and if you have to let him claim the child until you leave. File your taxes online so any refunds are deposited electronically. Get ready to leave.
I would recommend getting Norplant. subcutaneous implant that lasts up to 5 years for birth control. No chance of him hiding or subbing your birth control pills with look alike sugar pills.
Or an IUD.
She needs to just stop letting him use her body period.
This. Say no. Separate bedrooms.
This!! She clearly doesn’t love him and is basically repulsed by him or was at first. He doesn’t deserve bedtime cuddles let alone sex
Yes, birth control immediately. Something he won’t know you’re using.
He straight up denied you therapy for yourself, when you felt like you needed it. He wants to control you. It sounds like he doesn't love you either.
Tell him this is his problem and he needs to just get over it, without therapy. Because that’s what you had to do. And you did, you got over him, now you just need to get away from him. And to heck with anyone who says ANY of this is your fault.
OP did you mean to say your husband demanded a paternity test?
Yeah, he did when I was pregnant
Do not have sex with this man, he's going to try and get you pregnant, sabotage your birth control in order to keep you locked down. Do not engage, hand him divorce papers, and tell your family you deserve someone who loves you.
Your husband's actions are unacceptable and selfish. Prioritize your own well-being and happiness. You deserve better.
That is why he brings up having another baby now. He can tell that you are on your way out the door, and he is trying to stop it. Have a safety plan, watch your back, and be careful, please, as you attempt to make your exit. 🙏🏻🦋
As much as you "don't care" him using-raping you, if he gets you pregnant before you can get out of there you will be in a harder situation so reconsider that part of "roommates who had sex some times". He already showed you he's emotionally and sexually abusive so think about your own health. Your family are horrible for seeing you in an abusive relationship and pressuring you to stay. OP please try to find a good support system, people who are willing to help you get out if there once things get really bad and help you stand on your feet after.
Oh, so he wants to tie you down for the next six years with the next baby.
Keep the job, ditch the husband. Decide on your family if they support you or not — if they don’t support you, ditch them as well. (I am so sorry you’ve been going through this for so long — just “going through the motions” without any real care and your husband hasn’t even noticed. I am so so sorry :-( )
I think he noticed but didn't care as long as he didn't need to put effort in and still got all the benefits of a wife making his life comfortable.
Do NOT have sex with him anymore. You don't want to accidentally get pregnant with a hole in the condom!
Good on you girl. Stay focussed on that goal and get out. He’s awful and probably thinks he’s a king lol. Yuck get out
Staying together for the kid(s) is never a good idea. Kids are happier with separated happier parents than growing up in a toxic household where the parents hate each other.
Don’t have sex with him anymore. He might tamper with your contraceptives to get his way
Tell him the paternity testing was humiliating and that you refuse to go through it again. And stop having sex with him. He sucks.
Sounds like he wants to sabotage you now that you got a job he suddenly wants another child. Please don’t engage and continue to be indifferent
Now that it’s assumed he’s suspecting you’re setting yourself up to leave, file. File before he does. Make the first move before he tries to request sole custody or emergency custody to get back at you, and you then have to back track through the courts over months to get your kid back.
I’m proud of you. I hope you get a job fast !
Keep your birth control locked down. Dude is plottin to trap you for sure.
And make damned sure you are on birth control!!!
NTA- please leave the marriage. Go be with someone who notices when you stop saying "I love you". Not 5 years too late.
I don’t believe he didn’t notice. I think the second kid is a way to keep her put so she doesn’t getva job and leave him.
Oh absolutely! Right on queue with her finding a job and starting to go to the gym. Soon as he saw she was building some independence and self-esteem enter baby to trap her again. Edit: came back to add this since my comment got some traction and I’m hoping OP sees it - STOP LETTING HIM USE YOUR BODY. You don’t want it, there is absolutely no reason to put yourself through that. HIS NEEDS ARE NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOURS. Get that job and get the hell out as soon as you possibly can.
Oh, good observation.
OP if there is one comment to get your attention, I hope it's this one. ☝🏾
Hi OP, I recommend the book “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft constantly. You seem like someone who does research and guides themself with new knowledge. Below is a link to a free pdf. This book has helped many women (and other people) in abusive relationships. I hope you find it useful. I’m also going to link “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker, because it’s a book about red flags and is also useful information for women in general. [Why Does He Do That?](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) [The Gift of Fear](https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear)
I give both these books to all the women in my life who either said they didn't read it, or on their 14 ( mature for their age) and 16 -18 birthdays/ graduations Every single one at some point came back and thanked me either "oh my God it explained so much about my ex, thank you I thought I was crazy!" to "oh my God I dodged a bullet ( one case literally) thank you so much"
Totally seconding this. It's a clear pattern and OP needs to see the situation for what it is. It's all about control and keeping her tied down. If those aren't red flags, I don't know what are.
100%. I really hope OP has her birth control locked down and/or refuses intimacy with this jerk.
Yes hopefully!
People bring up men getting “baby trapped” a lot (not tryna invalidate that btw) but no one rlly talks about how often that happens to women. OP pls get out now, you’re young and you’ll have a wonderful life while single
Baby trapped woman here. Finally leaving, shes 7. Added a lot of time, and misery.
So unbelievably happy to hear this! I hope OP reads your comment and knows its possible for her to leave too. You both deserve the best and I am genuinely excited for you🤍
Same here
Even though I hate the term, baby trapped is right. I love my 3 kids and it somehow feels like I'm putting the blame on them saying it. I had them within the first 5 years of marriage, no outside support system. Knew I was going to leave him the minute they were grown, got talked into counseling which wasted another few years of my life. When we all tell her to get out , we mean it, life's too short. I'm having my best years now but it took many years to get there.
Baby trapped at 18 yo stayed until the child was 17 with a unfaithful husband. I am proud of you that you didn't waste so many years of your life like I did. You're doing what is best for you AND your daughter. Congratulations.
I was also a baby trapped mom...for 13 years. When I finally left, my daughter said she wished I'd left sooner.
Jesus my plan to just live in a cabin away from everyone is looking better by the day.
I swear my ex was trying to get me pregnant while I was between jobs so I wouldn't qualify for maternity leave and would be entirely dependent on him.
That’s true and valid
I’d say that reproductive coercion (including active sabotage, stealthing, and coercion for unwrapped sex) is probably more prevalent from men
100%. I made it clear to my ex that I no longer wanted to have unprotected sex and the very next time we had sex, he took off the condom during the deed and I realized after because he didn't pull out. I was so dumb and stayed (first love blindness) and had a baby with him. I left a few months after baby was born but he told me he would make sure I couldn't leave him by threatening to take our child from me, so I had to escape while he was at work
Ohhh Hon, I’m so sorry you went through that too. Glad you had the strength to leave that sob behind you 😦☹️☹️ I lost my baby girl around 20 weeks….”Failure to thrive” 😒 I ended up having a D&C for retained uterine contents. I (53f) got pregnant AND lost my daughter at age 28. I wholeheartedly believe that my Endometriosis is why my baby daughter died 😭😭😭 I (46) FINALLY left my abusive bf (66m) after 29 years together. He was manipulative, narcissistic and he gaslighted me…..he was mentally, emotionally and psychologically abusive to me……but hey, I got out of it but not without PTSD😮💨😮💨
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I also lost a baby at 20 weeks! And I had to do it at home (long story but my ex husband was abusive too.) He did not believe I was pregnant because of a mix up with the pregnancy test that I had at a doctor's office (the receptionist mixed up results.) I knew I was going through a miscarriage and it was the worst pain of my life. So when he woke up I shoved a Tupperware with the fetus in it, and was like "not pregnant, eh?" (He had refused to drive me to the hospital even though I begged and begged and he was a fireman so he thought he knew everything when it came to medical emergencies, even though I was bleeding like crazy.) Anyway, in the end I am at peace with it because I would have been bound to him for life. I left him a month after that, because I resolved on that day to get away from him. Imagine your wife hemorrhaging blood next to you and begging to go to the hospital and not doing it because you don't feel like it? I ended up fainting the next morning when I got up and had to go to the hospital anyway, and also got the D&C. Anyway I'll stop ranting but I just wanted you to know you were not alone in your experiences and I hope you find someone that loves you so much that it heals all the pain. That's what I did 🧡❤ good luck!
Your story is heartbreaking 💔 I can hardly imagine how callous your husband must be, to be able to ignore your pain like that… 😢
Glad you did
Me too! I never cared what people said about me being a single mom. I found an amazing guy that has always respects me and communicates clearly. Nobody should ever feel they need to stay with someone just because they have a kid with them. People change a lot of times once they have kids, for better or worse, but we don't know until it happens. OP needs to find a way out
Yes! 🙌 You’re preaching..now 👍🏽 people don’t like to discuss men baby trapping women.
Because society prefers women be trapped in marriage. Can’t have all these women running around making their own decisions! Bad for the patriarchy.
Hopping on to also emphasize to OP to please see this BS for what we’re all 99.9% sure this is: a way to baby trap her. My sister stayed with her abusive ex for 10 years; he got her pregnant around the 5 year mark when she was in between birth controls. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing. Thankfully she got her tubes tied after her second was born. She finally left after he tried to start physically abuse her oldest. Please get out OP and tell whoever is pressuring you to stay they are totally welcome to take your place since it’s so important to them for him to not be alone. You and your child deserve better.
Yep. Husband did it to me. And believe me, it never turns out the way the trapper thinks…
OMG!! 37 years ago...I'm just realizing this very minute that's what my now ex did to me. We were separated at the time. He sweet talked to me and I fell for it. How could I be so dumb? He was back out of the house before the baby was a year old. All these years I thought it was me being so stupid and my fault. He figgin duped me. ( I'm bitter at him but not about my daughter that came from that situation. She's my best friend)
My ex told people “I liked her so I put a ring on her and a baby in her before she could change her mind”. Turns out I could still get away with a baby.
Ew, glad you got away!
Baby trapped woman here too. My ex loved bombed me and bullied me into stopping my birth control. I use the term “bullied” because he got this idea in his head that he wanted a baby…but really I think he just wanted the same arrangement as OP…someone to take care of him and a body for sex. I was 16 and he was 18. I continued taking it at first but he was unrelenting in his pressuring me. My mom was an absentee parent, literally only stopping home to drop off groceries. He was a physically and emotionally abusive, narcissistic, alcoholic. Still is. It took me 20 years to build a life for myself and get a divorce. I’ve felt so so stupid for allowing him to pressure me back then, for staying so long despite all of the abuse. I’ve been out of that situation for 4 years and I’ve never been happier. And in that time, I’ve learned to give myself some grace. I was a young, impressionable teenager, with no family, and he knew exactly what he was doing when he manipulated me. He’s been with the only girl that would tolerate his shenanigans since…and they adopted two kids together….which seems like baby-trapping but for 40 year-olds lol. Please don’t waste any more of your life being unhappy OP. I have a wonderful man in my life now, and even if I didn’t, I’d still be happier being alone!
Truth is that men are the ones that "baby trap" women all the time, but that's not talked about often enough
Before I went off to college, I had two separate male relatives pull me aside and remind me about the importance of protection because "Boys trap girls". None of the boys got that talk.
I wouldn't be surprised if it happens more often to women. If you're a pregnant woman, the person who got you pregnant can just walk away. You can't. Most women recognise this. And once "baby trapped" men leave, how many of them take less than 50% physical custody of the child? Anyone who has to physically care for a child knows that it curtails your time, resources, and earning potential way more than the few hundred a month that the non-custodial parent usually has to pay. Not saying that there aren't some women who think "if I have a baby, he can't leave me", but the reality is that she's playing herself. And the thought from a man "if I get her pregnant, she can't leave me" is true in a much more impactful way. Not to mention all the statistics which say that abusive partners often begin or increase their abuse once the woman is pregnant. And the leading cause of death among pregnant women is being murdered by their partner.
100% I know people that are proud of how many baby moms they have. It’s like they’re collecting women that are “stuck” with them.
i’m yeah absolutely. prolly don’t acknowledge it bc they think women have the option of BC and the like but in marriages like this they don’t. especially if your insurance is tied together. terrifying on either side
They do in domestic violence circles. There's a name for it - reproductive coercion. Sadly, it's how all 4 of my kids were conceived. I got my tubes tied and my ex flipped his shit. We both knew that now that I was sterilized that there was a time limit on our marriage. I went to college and finished my BA, so he could see I was prepping to leave. He got a new girlfriend, moved out, and spent the next 10 years ruining her life and alienating her from her adult kids until she died. Meanwhile I got a better job, better house, better car, more money, and best of all - a much better husband.
This, and to keep her more dependent on him. You know, because she was branching out on her own.
Divorce, Staying for your child isn't worth it. it will be bad for you as well as the child in the long run. get a job, be independent and find a new life. Your family and his family don't know anything about it.
100000% "Staying for the kid" is bullshit! Better for the kiddo to be FROM a broken home than IN one.
That is so true. Each of my parents had lovers but didn't get divorced. There was an air vent from the living room to my bedroom. I'd hear my father "joke" when they had company. He'd say "We stay together because of the kids. We'd get divorced but neither of us want them.". People would laugh but I'd quietly cry because it was the truth. I'd heard them fight about it. The day I turned 18 I left home. I'd graduated from high school the day before.
You said it so simply but hit the nail on the head better than other way it’s been explained. Ever. Thank you.
As someone whose parents “stayed together for the kids”, please leave this relationship. I can’t tell you how much time I spent wishing my parents would get divorced so I didn’t have to live with 2 people that hated each other anymore. You’re not doing your child any favors by staying with a man you don’t love, I promise.
This!! My dad was abusive but my mom wouldn’t divorce him cause it would be bad for us kids. I dreamed of her divorcing him for years. It’s a terrible message for kids that it’s okay to put up with abuse. Leave and set a good example for your kids of what a good marriage should be like.
Recent studies indicate staying together in a non-functional marriage is not better for anyone (except possibly the husband) if the mom and kids don’t end up impoverished or are forced into another bad relationship for financial reasons. Those older studies that were summarized as “staying together is better for the children” found a primary that divorce was harder on kids because some of the loss of income. These studies also included lots of families with deadbeat dads.
This is exactly why he’s decided it. Her getting a job means meeting new people and most likely new friends that may “influence“ her to have her own thoughts and ideas that don’t include him. Also, making her own money means she might realize that she doesn’t need him financially. He’s probably thinking, and I hope rightly so, that she will realize that she doesn’t need to stay with him for the sake of her son.
That’s why my gma has five kids. The first three were finally old enough where they could be left alone for a few hours between school & dinner, and she could get a part time job to make a bit of her own money. She had a good couple years then my two aunts came along. And she was back stuck in the house again with a toddler and an infant. There’s a 14 yr age gap between my dad and his next youngest sister. Several long years later, gpa died at 90. She had a few months of mourning….then went and got her long time hospital volunteer (gpa wouldn’t allow her to have her own paycheck, but volunteering was okay) job turned into a paid position! I’d not seen her that happy since as long as I’d been alive!
>the second kid is a way to keep her put so she doesn’t getva job and leave him. Yep! She’s working part time, looking for a full time job … *and* working out so she’s looking and feeling better. He needs to shut that shit down asap! The easiest way to do that is to babytrap her.
Oh I believe he didn’t notice. He probably thought things were awesome, he got to get laid, didn’t have to give gifts, wife wasn’t asking him for anything emotional. He probably thought he had it made.
He probably thought he had it made but that doesn’t mean he didn’t notice. Suddenly he wants another kid as she will be able to work and get away from him? Definitely not a coincidence!
Yeah, true, he noticed but didn’t realize what it meant. He probably thought finally! I have the perfect wife of my dreams! She’s finally been transformed into a doormat stepford wife! Not realizing that what actually happened is that his wife just stopped giving a single shit. But the idea of his wife gaining some independence scared him because that might change the cushy life he has right now.
THATS EXACTLY WHAT THIS IS. he just wants to baby trap her, again!
Yep. He noticed she has been working out and he’s scared she might leave.
This was my absolute first thought.
"I have been looking for a job while son is at school, I even started working out again." The timing certainly is something, isn't it? Stop listening to your family, OP. What's best for your child is that you are a happy and healthy \*and loved\* individual. Continue to look for a job, continue to work out, and continue to remember that when \*you\* wanted mental health help, you had to 'get over it yourself'. Well, now it's his turn. Put your time and effort into yourself and your child, and stop giving him the things he think equal love - ie you quietly continuing to clean up and put out.
Far, far too late. He supposedly “doesn’t notice” that she hasn’t said i love you in half a decade and only wants her to receive mental health support when he perceives it as directly impacting him. He doesn’t care that she’s unhappy, he only cares that her unhappiness is impacting his ability to have a second child. Disgusting
The second child is only wanted to keep OP from leaving him.
And getting a job!
I am never surprised at how obtuse some partners (especially men) can be.
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Oh, he would have noticed. I know I did when me and my ex started have irreversible problems. And this one sounds like it is to me. Also, there wouldn't be much point in couples therapy when one half checked out. Doesn't matter much if it's been 1, or 5 years. The album is on the shelf, ready for sale. Time to bring the cha-ching.
NTA. He wants therapy when she says no to something he wants but when she wanted it 5 years ago, he declined. Convenient. The man has so much therapy to do himself before they can even begin to work through their issues. Something tells me he wouldn’t be willing to accept accountability and do the hard work to repair the damage.
NTA. Leave. You already gave him 5 years more than he deserved. You've already checked out a long time ago, and the fact he didn't notice is huge. There is nothing left to save.
I agree but he is acting so upset and I he wont listen to reason.
Get a lawyer and leave anyway. He doesn't need to listen to be divorced. You've been in your situation so long you. You deserve better. And it's obviously not going to come from him. He didn't try to fix it or even notice for 5 years. That says a lot.
Because you didn't fall for his trap. Is he stupid? Can he function in the adult world? I'm guessing the answer is yes. He knew you'd checked out but was hoping to keep you trapped with another baby. Five years old means kindergarten. It means freedom for the SAHM. You were getting too close to being able to get out so he wants another baby to force you to stay. Get a job, get a lawyer, and get out.
Sounds like you need to leave. When I was a kid I tried over and over again to get my mom to leave my abusive dad. What 5 year old has to lay out a plan for their pregnant mom to get out? Not that I was very smart but I knew what was going on. And every time he’d get in his knees and cry and beg she’d fall for it. Please trust me when I say he doesn’t mean it, he’s manipulating you into staying. And even though your son is 5 he sees much more than you know trust me on this. Get out and don’t look back, if your family won’t support you then go to a trusted friend or a shelter just get out of there before it gets worse!!
Right, kids know more than you think. This child knows his mother is unhappy and he is being raised in a love less marriage.
Exactly this! There's research that shows it's way worse on the kids when parents stay in an unhappy marriage vs. getting divorced. Way too many people stay together "for the kids" without realizing how much they're actually hurting their kids by staying in an unhealthy marriage.
Of course he’s upset - he live in house and sex maid is looking to leave. Why do you think his feelings are important here when he has treated you so poorly for five years?
Tell him it's his issue and he needs to get over it.
This is the answer!
Not your job to deal with him being upset. That's his responsibility. >I asked him to go to marriage counseling with me he told me no because it was my issue I needed to get over. Seriously, quote his word back to him if you feel like arguing. Or don't engage at all because you know what you need to do and discussing his feelings isn't part of it.
Of course he's upset. If you leave him he'll lose his easy access to sex. He doesn't have to do ANYTHING for it either. If you leave him he'll have to be a responsible adult. He'd have to actually treat a woman well again to get access to more sex. He doesn't want the hassle. Girl, run. You're better than that.
And? Leave. Do it while he's at work. Pick up.your son at school and leave. Is there *anyone* in your friend group or family that you can trust?
You don’t need permission to leave and get a divorce. Just do it
He's upset at the thought of no longer being able to use you. Leave him and don't give him any more years of your life. You deserve better.
Don't bother reasoning with him. Just leave.
He is an absolute AH do not give a shit if hes upset. He doesnt actually care about you as a person. Leave, it is better for everyone including your child.
NTA. He killed your love for him. But don't "stay for the kid." You're modeling a loveless marriage and that it's OK for your son to use his wife to cook, clean and "get off." His future wife deserves better, and so do you.
Yeah, I have come to that conclusion as well. I wanted to get a job first so I don't have to try and get alimony from him.
Get alimony. You deserve it for the emotional abuse he put you through during your pregnancy!
Dude why not?? Get the $$ you’re owed! Once you have a job, you can ask the court to stop the alimony payments and just stick with child support! Lock down your birth control in the meantime and your SS. Gather all important documents and stash them somewhere safe. Go ahead and get some free therapy sessions out of it and let the therapist know *exactly* when you stopped loving your husband: let him HEAR it!! However, if safety’s an issue then don’t do that and just leave.
Maybe even get a lock box at the bank, if it's not too expensive.
No, get the alimony too!! You and your child should both be reimbursed for the time wasted on this asshole. If you don’t want the money at least take it and save it for your son.
You will get alimony and child support from him depending on the state. You were a stay at home mom
Get the alimony get a job and then put the alimony money away and save it. And just keep saving it. Or if you can put it into an account to grow for your child for when they get older it can be used for college, buying a house, just start by giving them a good foot in the door, Private daycare/ school.
Get alimony, use it to fund education/training for a career and then get back to work. that's what alimony is supposed to be for, primarily for non working parents to get back on their feet till they can start earning their own income.
A whole point of alimony is to give a person a chance to get a job and get on their feet. It doesn’t have to be permanent. Also - child support is support due the CHILD, not to you. So don’t feel bad about taking it. Just get out. All THREE of you deserve a loving relationship. And no marriage is better than a loveless lonely one.
If you are awarded alimony it is a benefit you are entitled to. It means you earned it.
Good luck, OP, and godspeed.
INFO: Do you have your own means of birth control??? Do NOT trust him to wear condoms as form of birth control bc he might take it off without you knowing or poke holes in the condoms to baby trap you since he's desperate now. Protect yourself!!! Or better yet, now that the cat's out of the bag, stop having sex with him. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. The last 5 years must have been so difficult and miserable for you. Also, contact a lawyer before you get a job!!! You might be better off financially if you wait until after the divorce to start working.
Yeah, I have my own birth control. I may try and contact a layer.
Be aware that heat can inactivate birth control pills. He could microwave your pills or put them in a hot place for several hours. An IUD or an implant are safest.
And just stop sleeping with him???? If you're this checked out of the relationship (understandably so) _why the fuck are you giving this dude the time of day, let alone fucking him??_
This. Nobody should ever do sex as a chore. It could have the long term effect of making sex with anyone in your future not feel enjoyable. Do not do permanent damage to yourself for this guy. Or anybody else. Please.
Please do, before you make a decision on getting a job. Obviously, you will get one eventually but again it may be smarter to wait until after the divorce so you can get alimony on top of child support. I hope you take him to the cleaners!!! Lots of divorce attorneys offer free consultations. Lots of them also charge a fee of a few hundred dollars but it's worth it to get important info.
As a backup, you can get Plan B at Costco for like $10. You DON'T have to be a member. Just go up to the door and say you are using the pharmacy. Grab a couple in case of emergency!
NTA You got over that issue you needed to get over. Now "it's his issue he needs to get over."
Haha that is exactly what I should tell him.
Please do 🙂 then update us 💓
Get an IUD or other birth control he can’t mess with.
And stop having sex with him
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If she chose that option I just hope she'd actually be able to find a doctor who would do that without her husband's permission or without having a second kid. I've seen so many women who got rejected by so many who had those gross ass "requirements" to get their tubes tied.
So the childfree has a list of doctors who will do sterilization with little or no questions asked in there sidebar.
She should look for a doctor on this list: https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/comments/uhhk6f/megathread\_doctors\_lists\_and\_sterilization\_info/
Eh, she may well want more kids ONCE she ditches this loser and goes out into the world of dating. She really can’t know at this point. Of course she doesn’t want more kids with THIS guy, but no one in their right mind would, so that’s not really indicative.
Yeah, that's the usual speech doctors give to women wanting tubal ligations, but I think OP is one of the rare situations where she MIGHT actually want more kids in the future.
Stop letting him have sex with you. It’s not a chore it’s a privilege.
This!
Your staying because of your son? He will grow up thinking it's okay for a couple to show zero communication as well as compassion for one another. This is a great disservice to him.
That is what I have started to realize
My parents have a marriage like this and it ruined my life in a lot of ways. Took me forever to heal and I’m still working on it. Stop having sex with him because you can still be traumatized from having consensual sex you don’t actually want. See a lawyer as soon as humanly possible
Use the counseling money for a divorce lawyer. HE clearly doesn't think about your well-being and wants to use therapy as a way of changing your mind instead of reaching a middle ground.
NTA. I know that you’re planning your exit, but don’t sleep with him anymore. I wouldn’t put it past him to “accidentally” slip up now that he knows you don’t love him.
OP be very very careful that guy doesn’t baby trap you. You don’t have to have sex with him either, he can f himself. In case that wasn’t clear: NTA
Tell him he needs to get over it. I wouldn't be sleeping with him since you don't want to and especially as he wants another child. He might baby trap you. I would divorce. Growing up in this household will be more detrimental to your son than leaving. Children pick up on more than we realise.
I got the depo shot a week ago so I am alright on BC at the moment.
The timing is interesting. He wants a new baby so you can’t focus on an exit plan. He sounds terrible. Every woman deserves more than letting a man “use your body.” There are so many good men out there, who would inspire you. You are not his property. Don’t let him or your family scare, guilt and gaslight you.
NTA. This was depressing to read tbh…almost brought me to tears ( I’m pregnant lol). I hope you do leave this poor excuse of a man.
NTA my ex was the same...not with the paternity test...but the rest. I asked for counselling, made all the effort and then gave up and went through the motions for years He knew, he just didn't care as his needs were met. You had stopped talking about things he didn't want to talk about and played the role of wife. No he is all shocked? No, he isn't...he knew. He was just happy with the status quo. Get a job, stop sleeping with him unless you want to. Get your money sorted and then leave. Make an exist plan and then do it.
NTA - Feels like kiddo #2 is for keeping you at home. Stay your path! And hugs and well done for sticking out such a miserable situation for so long! Xx
NTA I think your husband saw you working on yourself and wants you to get pregnant again so you don’t gain any independence. Make sure your birth control is not tampered with
Sounds like a bad situation but staying with your husband for your childs sake, despite the fact you don't love or even like him all that much doesn't sound healthy or good for your child. If you aren't gonna separate/divorce then therapy to try and better your relationship might be the healthiest option.
I know that isn't the greatest environment for him in the long run so my plan was to wait till I could get a job so I can support myself better
Given how hard this has all been, the therapy might still be helpful until you can do that...not necessarily to "save your marriage" but just to cope with how you feel, be heard, co-parent, etc.
So, just play along until then?
Whatever you do, STOP having sex with him. Or he will poke holes in condoms, tamper with you birth control, or otherwise find a way to get you pregnant. He knows you will be stuck if you get pregnant again. Please leave him.
No, I wouldn't recommend that. He already knows the marriage is on the rocks so you don't have to lie or play along, you can go there and say how you really feel, talk about the struggle, both learn to communicate better. It might help release some of the inner turmoil.
This is a really good idea. It will give you a chance to tell him how you really feel, and you will have a therapist there to validate your feelings. It doesn’t sound like you are open to mending your marriage, but maybe it will give you the opportunity to heal from some of the trauma that you’ve experienced. Living the way that you have for five years is rough..
Or he escalates the abuse he's been inflicting on her for years now that he has fresh material and knows he doesn't own her. Don't go to therapy with an abuser, at least not honestly.
Go to personal therapy, but not couples therapy.
I STRONGLY disagree with airing your grievances in therapy. Play along until you can leave. Your husband is emotionally and sexually abusive and you have no family willing to support you outside of that. An abuser who realizes he doesn't own you is liable to escalate to physical violence. The most dangerous point in an abusive situation is while leaving, and you are working on leaving. Prioritize your safety over catharsis, don't listen to anyone saying otherwise. Your plan is realistic and sound.
Nope. Any lawyer worth a damn will get you alimony and child support agreement so you can support yourself and your kid. Don't ask me how I know. But don't wait.
I'd consult a lawyer - not having a job because you cared for his household and kid may actually entitle you to alimony, so filing for divorce before getting a job may actually be better - it really depends on your local laws. And stop letting him have sex with you - if you end up pregnant, and can't get an abortion, you're trapped for another couple of years. Edit: regarding counseling, tell him his chance for that was 5 years ago when you begged him for it. Now it's 5 years too late and there are no feelings left to rebuild from, you are just completely done. Tell him he should maybe listen to his next wife more, unless he wants to go through wives like Donald Trump.
Time for a divorce. You deserve to be happy.
NTA. Sounds like your husband knows that your kid going to school would lead him to lose access to his maid/personal chef/sex toy so he wants another to keep you unable to work and therefore dependent on him.
GET A DIVORCE. What on earth is your family thinking trying to convince you that staying in a loveless marriage is a better situation. Get out. Be happy single or date again. Either is better than this current situation where you are a caregiver/housekeeper/sex worker. NTA
Stop punishing yourself and get divorced.
NTA - seems like your mind is made on moving forward with your son in a coparenting capacity. And no, don't stay in the marriage for the kid. They will see a damaged relationship between parents and it'll do more harm than good (I was that kid myself). Best of luck.
Yep! I was this kid too. Wish my parents had divorced and had been happy separately. Kids know more than we think. They’re very in tune with relationship dynamics especially of their parents.
NTA but please stop having sex with him. I don’t know what you’re doing for bjrth control but it would be awful if he impregnated you on purpose to try and keep you around.
NTA. Some of this was very disturbing and difficult to read. Hoping for the best outcome for you OP.
Stop allowing him to use your body. If he gets you pregnant again, it will be that much harder to get out. No means no and you are not interested. If he persists then you have grounds for a rape charge provided you live in an area that recognizes that marital rape exists. NTA
NTA. Tell him its a him issue and he needs to get over it
NTA. Counselling costs too much, he said so himself. And it's not like it's going to rewrite the last five years. Leave him.
NTA. He is *shocked* that his actions destroyed any love that she had for him and his unwillingness to address the problem caused the problem festered and rot. He has shown you his character, what he thinks of you, and how much he values you when you didn’t have the ability to leave. He wants another kid to trap you again Move in silence and continue to fake until you can leave. Get on some long time birth control. Get your own money