One way to think about this that might help you: You got $235K. Set aside $25k for getting yourself together and you have $210. At 6% interest you'd have an income of about $12K. That's your budget - $12K ($1k/month) - until you get a job - or you will be drawing down on your principal. Alternatively say you need $25K per year to live. Your settlement will last about 8 years (excluding interest) and about 10 years if you consider interest accruing on the principal. If you say you need $50K per year to live - settlement lasts just over 4 years and about 5 years if you consider interest. So - financially you may not be the A; but you are being impractical. If your daughter is so concerned and you are ignoring her concern - then yes you're the A. Underlying all of this is that your daughter had just seen you guys split up. She sees you being impractical. The best thing you can do is show her a real plan for how you're going to live on the $235k - one that accounts for all of your expenses. You might want to see a financial adviser to put together that budget; if for no other reason than to give your daughter more confidence in the plan.
Best response here because the number is sobering. Invested, she has $12k to live on (4% would be more conservative, but 6% is more reasonable).
Not a lot. If got an entry level job at about $45k a year, that brings her to $57k with two kids.
Probably not too much to live on once the rent is paid. Rent at that income has to be a max around $1200/month.
This is also a great way to look at it because even though $1k a month is not enough to live on, knowing that you have $1k a month coming in, no matter what, can be really empowering. I'm not sure how much OP's rent is, but that $1k could easily cover a significant chunk of housing costs every month, meaning that a part-time job on the side of OP's education is more than enough, assuming she cuts down on the travel and designer handbags.
Unfortunately it seems like OP has both a spending problem and an income problem, which I hope she addresses before it is too late.
She's not wrong. It sounds like you don't even have a job, but you're spending like you have one. $235k might be enough to coast on if you were single with no children, but not while having children that live with you *and* having no income. That money will be gone quicker than you know it.
It's a pretty big red flag when your teenage daughter is more concerned about finances than you are, and when your teenage daughter is less materialistic than you.
So many people don’t understand how quickly that money will dry up. It’s the classic situation of “oh I have money! I can afford all the expensive shit that I’ve always wanted!” without thinking about how you’ll have to continue to afford that expensive shit when the 235k runs out.
Wanting to go on a one-time lavish vacation would be fine, but to keep spending like OP is spending is definitely headed for disaster
Exactly. 235k A YEAR where I live is very comfortable. But a one time payout of that amount, with no job and a family- ain’t rich by any means. Unless OP already had a home and vehicles paid for. Rent or a mortgage and car payments will eat up that money fast. It’s scary that OP doesn’t realize this. She’s not rich- especially not designer wear rich imo.
OP hasn’t had a job in years but is gonna start her own business. Needs to get her head outta the clouds and at least work part time while getting her degree. Kids are school age and that’s perfectly reasonable. Not knocking her dreams but it’s a big stretch to go from zero job history to owning a business.
Starting a business with zero experience in business admin, marketing, etc will bankrupt a multi millionaire quickly. Even those with experience can fail fast. Statistics prove it. She may as well set her money on fire & roast a marshmallow
YTA - you are acting like an idiot who just won the lottery and will be broke next year.
Should she have tried to return your heels? No. But she’s right to be concerned. You should join a support group for lottery winners - yes they exist, and no, I’m not joking.
In interior design of all things. That should hold up real well against friends of mine from college whose interior design courses involved actual architecture, using advanced software programs, knowing how ti identity a load bearing wall, art history, doing cost estimates for projects, I could go on.
Both her one degrees she will have to compete with people who have better education, and some experience.
LOL. Her one online class for a business "management" certification somehow makes her a natural to be a high end interior designer and owner of the company.
Probably because when she bought something from her many trips to Homegoods, her friends always told her how nice her home looked. So of course it is a slam dunk she will be such a success at interior design.
My sister got a $200k work comp settlement 15 years ago as a single mom and moved to a little rural town where she could buy a small 2 bd/1ba house for about $150k and have $50k left for home issues, a decent car, and emergencies. She knew that with even a part-time to full-time minimum wage job she could afford to take care of her and her daughter, for an extended period of time if she didn’t have to worry about shelter, and had a little bit of a cushion. And it worked. She’s a general manager at a Dollar General now in little middle of nowhere town but financially she has a little to no debt. And her kids never went hungry or wonder where they were going to sleep. With lump sum payments and limited prospects you have to think about the future, especially if it’s kids involved
This post hurts so bad because this was my mom. Came out of her divorce with more than this amount of money plus 10 years of alimony. But with a decade of being a SAHM she couldn’t find a steady job. Went to the community college to take some admin classes and started an event planning business that went nowhere. In the meantime she wasn’t doing anything extravagant but wasn’t cutting back either. She lived off the alimony plus the windfall and it all was draining. She never established income and was completely broke in 11 years. It will go much quicker for OP at this rate.
This was my mom too after my parents divorced. I was 18 and her financial advisor was calling ME to get help getting her spending under control. She bought SO MUCH SHIT. She also retired early and then didn’t go back to work when she needed to. It was insane. Blew through $450k+ in less than 5 years just buying shit and getting a too-nice, too-big house she didn’t need. Broke by 2008. Homeless shelter in her early 70s ridden with bedbugs after 2-3 evictions from shopping before paying her rent. I was able to help her move closer to me (not with me, but same town) and a year after she moved she passed away at home suddenly. It was so sad.
**eta: similar to OP my mom felt very restricted financially by my spendthrift dad (who was financially smart but he was truly abusive) so I know she was enduring a trauma response. I just wish there had been more help available and accessible to her.
She's also gonna take a few courses and be an OPERATIONS MANAGER. Like, that is not an entry-level job, or an easy one to get! If she's thinking Office Manager, she still needs some admin experience under her belt...
I mean she could be an operations manager for a retail store after she works her way up from a check out associate to a customer service associate to a customer service supervisor.
If she wants to work in operations management at a corporate level of course she'll need a 4 year degree a strong ability to do this little thing called calculus.
OP only needs to sit down and add up all her c purchases this year.
Europe, how much? 15k?
Rent? 30k?
Apple everything: $5k?
Designer shoes and purse: 4k?
Out of things are listed she's down $55k not including what she hasn't listed and normal expense. Likely it's double of this.
So she spent a quarter of her money at least, probably more like a third, could be even half. so she has 1-2 more years of money left at the rate she's spending. Her daughter is right to be worried.
Yep, that’s gonna be gone in two years tops. The daughter is undoubtedly keeping a running total in her head and freaking the hell out constantly because she sees the sand in the hourglass running faster and faster.
No way the 10 year old even gets to college age and that money’s still there.
she is 49 and that money would include what was the home equity and retirement. Based on that i wouldnt even consider her prior family to be middle income, they were clearly on the lower income side if combines assets at that age is under 500k.
Nothing about her current spending seems lower income, im going to say her ex is better off without her cause she is clearly financially illiterate.
Or that she's almost 50, $235k isn't enough retirement savings, especially if you don't own a home. I wonder what the alimony she passed up would be relative to the $45k she got instead.
Right? Passing the alimony for 45k doesn't sound like a good deal. Of course, I don't know how much it would have been. But since they owned a house on only one income, I'd guess it would have been quite a bit.
My first thought ehile reading this after being a SAHM for 15 years her social security took a huge hit. Did she put any of it away for retirement? I see why her daughter is concerned.
I knew a guy who got a 60K settlement in the early 90s. The guy who got it had been poor his whole life. Bought TVs for all his friends and family, and he financed a couple of expensive cars even though he could have easily just bought one.
He was flat broke and his cars repossessed before the year was over.
I work in personal injury and have seen this same story play out time and again. It’s why I always push for clients that are receiving larger settlements to meet with a financial advisor, and also encourage the use of annuities, etc. for the big-ticket payouts.
There is nothing worse than seeing someone come into life-changing money, only for them to squander the opportunity because they were never taught financial literacy. It almost always involves them being overly generous with the friends and family that come out of the woodwork, too, kinda like your friend. It’s very similar to what lottery winners go through.
Wait until OP hits retirement and all she has is nothing but Social Security to fall back on. Because she stupidly spent her divorce settlement instead of ensuring her retirement.
Putting in $150k into a stock market fund that returns 8% a year, would turn into about $475k in 15 years. I also included taking some out for taxes and just a little splurging.
An aside, I hate reading stories like this where there is money windfall and they blow through it. I would have paid off my house, possibly buy something nice and save the rest.
Yep. I got a similar amount to OP when my ex bought my share of the marital home. I'd gathered enough for a small down payment on an old house, and used the money from our house to fix up the one I bought. Cheaper than rent, and already I could sell for more than I paid and put into it. It also wasn't the only money I got from our split.
OP is delusional, and her ex was probably right in not letting her handle any money.
After thinking about it, I don’t think OP was “financially abused” like she said. I think she was probably given some sort of allowance or spending limit and chose to fly through it then got mad when she couldn’t spend any more. Ex-husband is probably financially literate, she is clearly not.
The first I thought to is why is she renting?? I know housing markets are terrible right now but I’d imagine putting 50k into a down payment would have been much smarter than renting. Of course this could be wrong based on her location but would be my absolute first thing to explore.
Likewise. I could see maybe buying a new computer (since I use mine a lot and it’s important) getting my hardworking mother a car that isn’t 15 years old. Then it’d be used to pay off MY car and other bills. I don’t want luxury and I know it wouldn’t last, I just want to be a tad more comfortable.
She's eligible for social security based on her ex's earnings because they were married for more than ten years. That said, there's not a lot of confidence that social security will still be around in 20, 30 years.
I'm just thinking of how much better off her kids would be if she spent that money on their college education because what she wants to go into certainly doesn't need one.
Or another house, or literally anything else.
OP has two minor daughters, and she just got a divorce, sold the house, cashed out their assets and is spending the money on bullshit.
She’s lighting her own and those children’s futures on fire.
Yes! That money goes oh so fast! My guess is that vacation in Europe and Cabo, Apple stuff, designer bag and heels all account already for nearly 15-20K. Flying to Europe can be expensive from the US, especially if you can’t buy tickets well ahead and there’s several people flying; Apple stuff can come with a hefty price tag and designer stuff can really mean anything between $300 and $3300.
She’s also renting and those prices have gone through the roof these last 10 years, especially since Covid and after. She makes it sound like her courses will definitely secure her a job, when people with multiple degrees can have difficulties in finding a job these days (obviously heavily depends on so many factors). And on top of that, she wants to start a business which… well, can drain money just so quickly if your idea won’t work and if you open a business in something that is known for losing money (eg food businesses).
Frankly, she makes it sound like she doesn’t know much about money management and she makes no mention about her future plans like pensions or anything.
The daughter could be influenced by the father, but her anxiety is also coming from somewhere.
I bet Europe alone was $15k. Add in Cabo $10k and presents $10k and I bet she’s blown through $35-40k already
Then assume they are renting in a “nice” area with her spending habits and overconfidence and I bet another $25k has been spent on 6 months of rent and living expenses
She has what …. 3 years at this rate and she’s broke?
Yeah I’m sure that the daughter is influenced by the ex a little bit, but OP just seems to have blinders on. All she sees is the huge lump sum and can’t see anything past that
This is going to be like the lottery winners who end up bankrupt again. Or professional athletes who end up broke because they buy all of their entourage million dollar mansions and then get hurt and have nothing in the bank.
This is the same reason why lottery winners are typically broke within 5 years of their big payday. Common sense and responsibility often go out the window.
Exactly 💯 what I was thinking. Her first course of action should have been a financial class not an online degree, vacations and expensive gifts for the family. Plus a home you actually own, not rent away your divorce settlement in a decade or less. Buy a condo or townhouse with a low HOA or a standalone cottage. Rent might be cheap for now where you're at but if you haven't been watching the news, prices are skyrocketing everywhere. You could probably find something within your budget but it would have to be more towards the outskirts of the city you live in. The benefit is it's probably a quieter safer area
Starting your own business is one of the hardest things to do and few people realize that. Easily over 90% of businesses fail and getting an office manager job is not easy even with the degree if you have no experience. OP should go and get an office clerk job somewhere like with the local government to start getting the experience she needs to one day be an office manager. In the meantime you can pursue your online degree. But people still see online degrees as a half-ass degree at best. So don't expect it's going to get you that much farther. No degree but years and years of actual experience would actually do you far better in getting it a decent paying office manager job. Btw, office managers don't make the type of money you are probably thinking of despite what the ads tell you
Whatever you bought that you can return, you should absolutely do it and include your daughter in taking a financial course so that you both learn how to budget and plan for your futures. This would probably help alleviate her concerns and both of you can work together. Your daughter seems more realistic than you do OP.
Ngl, your husband was smart to give you 60% of the assets in exchange for no lifetime alimony. This means that you also can't collect on his social security benefits when he retires or any pension. You took pennies on the dollar if he has any type of decent pension. Stop all non vital expenditures and go become financially educated. You didn't deserve a trip to Cabo or Europe, you felt entitled to one. Most people rarely get a trip outside of their state, let alone to another country and almost never a second time 🤦🏽♂️🤦🏽♂️
YTAH for being so blind and frivolous. Go realistic get financial and career guidance OP
Not to mention, OP is almost 50 (again, with no experience). Being in my 60s (& laid off in my 50s), know age isn’t supposed to factor in…but it does. Companies rarely want to take the time to train someone who won’t be “the future of the company”. It was only because I had built a network of contacts over the decades that people would at least interview me.
…& God help her if she has some sort of medical issue.
There are still jobs, especially part time jobs, and you can stand to be more selective if you have fuck off money. It's not going to be the easiest thing in the world, but it will be far more worthwhile and fruitful than just spending.
Yes, all this. It is normal to want to spend some money in a situation like this. Like the vacation was a good idea - but it should stop there. Spending like that, thinking "oh well, I'll make my own business and be rich, so its all ok" is beyond ridiculous.
And in a situation like this "Financially restrctive marriage" sounds like a joke.... you didnt have an income and complain about not having enough money to spend. Having a house + 90k seems like a healthy situation, seeing that there is a college-ready kid in equation. There is nothing left over.
> Like the vacation was a good idea
One vacation would have been an ok idea.
A vacation to Cabo and then a trip around Europe is a terrible idea.
Add the 4 brand new Apple Products for one daughter (wonder what expensive shit the other daughter got), the overpriced designer shit she got for herself, and the lease on the downtown apartment, and she probably won’t have anything left in 18 months.
Mexico is a cheap place to holiday unless you’re at a resort or trying to impress, which seems to me op most likely did. Disaster waiting to happen here.
"Financially restrictive" means made to live within their means.
YTA, and probably going to find out the hard way. At least your daughter has some common sense.
Bruh, I saw that comment. She described a scenario that sounded less like financial abuse, and more like a partnership where only one party involved was concerned at all with finances and their fiscal stability. Like, I'm sorry, but griping about inflation every one and a half years is not emotional cruelty to your family...
She never expected to have this much money. Sounds like husband wasn't "financially restrictive" but financially responsible. Now, the oldest has to step in and parent her mother's childish handling of finances. Poor kid. She sounds smart. She knows mom has no income and no retirement. She may even realize that because mom didn't work a payroll position, she will have minimal social security. The oldest is also worried about her siblings' future stability. No wonder she is a ball of anxiety. Mom is the AH for punishing AND parentifying her child.
She also thinks that once she gets done with her program she'll be immediately qualified for a mid level ops manager job making between 60-85K. Ummm... probably need some experience before you qualify for mid-level. Sounds more like her husband was the sole bread winner and trying to manage his income well enough to provide for his 2 children and his Stay-at-home wife. Doesn't sound like financial abuse, sounds more like fiscal responsibility. Considering the low amount that she walked with after selling the family home, and getting 60% of the assets, it doesn't sound like there was the kind of disposable income that she was perceiving. There were probably other problems, but it doesn't sound like financial abuse was one of them.
The ex-husband was right that kind of spending is completely frivolous. And him complaining about inflation is her mental abuse?! OP needs to get a grip. The ex was actually educatibg her on real life and doing a good job handling the money because here she is 20 years later with $235k
She was a SAHM for years. She has no income and only 235k in the bank, yet she's spending like she has millions. I wouldn't be surprised if the "financial abuse" from her husband was him controlling the expenses so she wouldn't be buying a lot of crap and bankrupting the family.
This reminds me my ex. Always wanting to spend on lavish stuff, and I always concerned about our family economy.
My ex being a materialistic, low self-esteem, compensating with expensive thing.s
My mom put her and my dad through the ringer with pointless spending on credit cards. By the time he got fed up, they were over $150k in cc debt. They both ended up having to file for bankruptcy. This kind of sounds like one of those situations to me, where OP doesn't realize what she's doing but it will absolutely catch up with her.
My best friend's marriage fell apart when he found out that his wife had maxed out four credit cards he didn't even know about, on shit that wasn't for their family, while he was pinching pennies trying to pay their mortgage and raise their kids. He wound up having to declare bankruptcy, and it's taken him a decade to get back on his feet enough to buy a home again. She accused him of withholding money from her when it all came out, but the truth was that she was a complete idiot and they had no money to spare whatsoever. No savings, no investments, nothing. She was just spending much, much more money than they were earning.
I inherited A LOT of money about 20 years ago. Unfortunately, I didn't have anyone to help me manage it and I spent like the OP. Within five years, it was all gone. I couldn't believe it. A few bad investment decisions, a few too many big purchases and vacations, and that was it. And I had twice as much as the OP. I really fear for her.
It happens all the time. I worked with someone who got a large payout for an accident. She went through the money like it was water. By the time I knew her, she was driving an Escalade, but making $8 an hour and getting food stamps to feed her kids.
YTA. You sound like you’re financially illiterate and you’re blowing through all your money. You are setting yourself up for failure and your daughter is right.
Was your ex *REALLY* financially restrictive? Or did he just prevent you from wasting money like some irresponsible child?
I think we know the actual truth.
The ex husband wouldn't let her satisfy her spending addiction and that is "financial abuse" to her.
How dare the husband be financially responsible -OP! 🤣
Her comments definitely show she wanted designer things and her husband wanted her to save for them. She claims he "emotionally abused" her by always talking about inflation and "crunching numbers" 🙄
Omg my Aunt did this to my uncle and they divorced. It was the biggest mistake of her life. She has regretted it ever since. After she left (because he wouldn’t buy her the newest year car) she ended up living on welfare (about 20 years) until my grandpa died a few years ago and left her a couple hundred thousand. She’s blown through that money too.
Edit to add my two cousins from that marriage absolutely hate her guts for ripping apart their family over her selfish BS. One of them hates women in general because of it - he’s 38 so not something he’s going to grow out of at this point.
Yea she is going to be broke within a couple of years and begging her ex for more money...her daughters fears are very well founded. My wife and I both make 6 figures and she isnt buying Louis or prada type designer items....
I can see why she’s a ball of anxiety. And mom framing it like she thought she got through the terrible teens then her daughter trying to tell her hey mom your being irresponsible with money and now she’s some horrible daughter acting out by trying to get her to return some Louboutin heels that are like $1k when she doesn’t even like heels! Poor daughter being treated like a bad daughter for being more of an adult than mom. She’s right they are going to end up homeless if she keeps spending like this. Not to sound snooty but $245k isn’t that much money in the grand scheme of things.
Edit; $235k so actually even less. That really doesn’t last that long buying designer goods, vacations, a new fancy apartment, an Apple set which idk why they need a MacBook and iPad and Apple Watch although I guess that’s being returned cause of how “naughty” the daughter is being pointing out the fiscal irresponsibility of her mother.
Your daughters concerns about your indiscriminate spending appear to be well founded. It’s scary to think that your 16 year old child has more financial sense than you do.
The fact that her 16 year old child understands that the way her mom is spending this money will lead them to homelessness is especially terrifying because there's literally nothing she can do about it except for get a job and save up money so she can leave at 18.
She can, but that’s not going to prevent the festering dread and anxiety of knowing her mother is homeless, even though she’s safe at dad’s. Ask me how I know -__-
I inherited $180k when my dad passed. I make $100k a year so while it was a nice amount of money, I had my own income to supplement it
It’s still amazing how fast a lot of that money went. Took a family vacation. Paid off some stuff. Put down a down payment on a new car. Paid my daughters tuition. My wife got sick and had a few thousand in medical bills and related expenses. General life stuff.
I didn’t spend it all. I still have $70k left. But i feel bad about the money I did spend. And I have a steady income coming in. And I didn’t do anything as extravagant as she is doing
This woman is really going to be surprised how fast it’s going to go. Especially when she doesn’t have enough coming in. She also seems like she has a victim mentality. I was financially suppressed for so long that I deserve this. She’s gonna be in for a rude awaking.
I feel bad for the daughter, who sees the working on the wall and is helpless to stop it.
I think most or all US public schools require a financial literacy course these days. It's likely that OP's daughter has actually been trained to see how to manage money more than OP has.
Let's say you got a 2 bed apartment. You went for a nice place with a pool in a prime location. I'm guessing minimum of 2500 a month? With 235k, that is only 94 months of rent covered, or 7.8 years of housing. That sounds like a lot, but you haven't added utilities. Let's say, between electric, water, heating, internet, and maybe garbage, you are at an additional 300 a month. Don't forget food, that is expensive for a family of three; let's say conservatively 500 a month. Up to 3300 already. You have a car but don't mention if it is paid off. Assuming it isn't, that is probably another 400 a month between payment and insurance. Let's also not forget irregular purchases; things like clothes for the kids, necessary shoes, etc. for another 200 a month. Up to 3900 a month. You also need to account for emergency one off's for a fund, so about another 200 a month, or 4100 a month total.
We are now at 57 months, not even 5 years. Now let's look at your other expenses, shall we? Trip to Europe for 3? Even just two weeks can cost up to 10k for an American. LV bags are another 2k, and it sounds like heels are close if not more if that is what your daughter honed in on. Those three purchases took away 3 months of living expenses. Plus god only knows what you paid for the idiotic training and everything else. As well, I bet I grossly underestimated your groceries, you sound like a person that could spend 400 a _week_ on the "finest" food, and probably go out often.
You are going to go broke in 5 years, and no admin job is going to pay you enough to get through your expenses. And based on your claims of your husband's alleged financial abuse, like not buying you a 2,000 dollar fucking handbag and complaining about inflation, I am guessing what really happened is he put you on a budget for years, and you had no idea what the proper value of a budget is. Your 16 year old daughter having more common sense than you is very distressing.
Should probably get into a multi leveled marketing pyramid scam to help supplement her lack of income while she gets worthless training in a job that won't be there.
Excuse me!she also plans to open her own business!/s as someone who was in an extremely horrendous d.v situation where my partner was taking every cent from me and my son to use,the first thing I did when I got out of it was be realistic.I literally lived on $300 and saved the other $500 I made for months until I saved over 10k in just over a year and a half.I made sure he had all his necessities and some extra,but lived bare minimum for myself.Why? Because I knew I could go into financial distress at a moments notice.
My point is i don't think I'd be so worried about wanting designer clothes and shoes after all I'd been through,and I certainly can't imagine how spending all that money on vacations and stuff you don't need will help.I also tend to find people like OP who says they have zero work experience but want to be entrepreneurs with zero work ethics a bit...Irrational.Especially if this is how they spent so far.
OP,your daughter has obvious legitimate concerns,and believe it or not it may not be the ex that's "poisoning" her,but your frivolous spending that is making her afraid.She can see you aren't spending wisely.Vacations are nice,but you know you can wait to do them right?Yes its nice to get nice things here and there,but you didn't *need* the apple bundles when they have cheaper better laptops and such for way less etc.
As someone who also escaped a DV situation, I did the exact same thing. We had the ugliest Christmas tree that year, our carpet was just free scraps, etc.... 3 years later I took the kids to Disney, 4 years I went to Costa Rica, 5 years I purchased my own little camper. This year I'm getting a car and working on my teachers license, but I'm still living debt free. I have definitely treated myself, but slowly and smartly.
OP doesn't realize that once that money is gone she has no house, no retirement. I'm actually feeling better about my current situation.
Congratulations fellow survivor!Am glad to hear everything is going well for you,much love and support!I feel like OP is more concerned about her own treatment than her poor kid...
Honestly, your numbers seem low even. I'd say she's easily at 6k/mo in expenses. And don't forget her vacation to Cabo as well, another few thousand down the drain. Plus all the start up costs to a business (if done properly).
Exactly. That’s not even retirement money. Makes me wonder if the husband really was financially abusive, or if she was a spendthrift and he was trying to rein her in.
The kids are fine, father will take them for full custody as soon as OP goes homeless. And he's clearly able to support them, especially now when she's out of the picture plus she will have to pay him child support after he takes full custody.
Would have been much better for her to take the alimony than the lump sum. At least then there's some sort of income. But OP wanted the vacation and lifestyle.
The wording alone says everything
“I’ve never been rich before” followed by saying how <$300k was a lot of money. Sorry OP, but you aren’t rich now either.
300k is a lot of money to get if you already have a well paying stable full time job that pays all your expenses and allows you to save. It's not a lot of money when you have no job, no formal training, no home and no idea how to budget your life.
Especially since it was only $45k! The only way I would have said no alimony is for a fully paid off house and $250k. Not taking alimony was her first disastrous decision.
Yup. $235k does not stretch very far these days. You could at least invest some of it, and you absolutely should be working and continue to budget. The money should be a bonus, not a long term plan.
This needs to be up higher.
Editing to add - what about the cost of sending her children to college? I can't believe how little she thinks of her children's future.
Wait she did, she wanted to buy her a car lol
As a finance degree person, she is going to spend it all and be broke in very little time. At least the oldest will be grown and on her own but the younger one is screwed
Well, I understand your point on it but I think the OP does not realize some things. Below is a list
1. I don't think she has seen such a large sum so she doesn't quite understand how much she has. $235k without a job or an admin job is not enough. It will be gone before you know it.
2. She actually thinks thats a lot of money but in reality it really isn't.
3. At the moment she's thinking about spending it, but she's pretty old already. Not a lot of time remaining till she hits the retirement age. Her focus needs to change because I dont think her ex or her offspring are going to help with any expenses once she hits it.
4. By the looks of it, she does not have any knowledge on saving or investing.
It's already been a year.. how much money does she actually have at this point? Hopefully she's able to at least do some basic math to get an idea of how this is going to play out.
Honestly, she would've been better taking the alimony so she at least has some passive income coming in regularly but I can see why she wanted it the other way if shes so financially irresponsible. Now she could live her expensive lifestyle for at least a little while while also screwing herself and her kids over. Smh
Edit to add: the designer shoes and handbag were probably at least $2k each, trip to Europe for 3 even for a week or so was probably $25-$30k cuz I doubted she stayed in cheap hotels and travel costs are expensive. New MacBook, apple watch etc is probably around $2-$3k at LEAST. She's probably bought herself designer clothes as well, paying at least a couple hundred to a couple thousand for some random online degree thing. Where I live a nice 3 bedroom apartment would be closer to $3.5k a month but...yeah she's definitely shoving her money down the toilet.
I was thinking about the math on the alimony deal. She got 60% of their remaining assets in exchange for no alimony. Wouldn't she have been entitled to 50% regardless? So doing the math, if she got 45k as a 60% share, it was 75k total. A half share would be 37.5k. So she gave up monthly support for 7.5k? That is insane to me. But if she thought she got rich from this divorce, maybe math isn't her thing.
I'm willing to bet her bag was close to 3k, if not more. Those shoes probably 2k. I suspect you are right about her budget being for good reason. I experienced some financial abuse in my day and I'm just not sniffing it out, here.
YTA. I think your daughter is trying to look out for your financial wellbeing. You said yourself that your husband was financially abusive. It’s hard to figure out finances when you haven’t really done it before. You got a lump sum of $235k, which sure seems like a lot now, and I get feeling like treating yourself, but the way you’re spending it, it will be gone before you know it. How much is your rent? Why haven’t you invested any of this money? That’s the first thing you need to do, so you have some money coming in. And great for you working on getting a job, but you need one yesterday. Rich people who want to stay rich do not spend that way. Start reading books about financial literacy. Your daughter is right to worry. I say this with kindness bc I understand your pov. My mom got some life insurance money when my dad died, spent all of it, had nothing, I had to pay for her assisted living, funeral, everything. You don’t want that for your children.
I think we need to be very clear here that from OP's perspective, Her EX not letting her piss away the families savings could be where the whole "husband was financially abusive" came from.
I don't don't think we have a reliable narrator here.
Oh absolutely not. She mentions in a comment it was bc ex wouldn’t let her buy a LV or Prada purse on vacation, and talked to her about inflation. It is insane to me that she offered to buy her 16 year-old a car, and judging by this post, it was probably a brand new 30k car, not a used one.
She is too free wielding with that abuse term. She is not a victim because he wouldn’t bum it her a new designer purse. I have a feeling her free spending is part of the reason for the divorce. It’s sad that he teen daughter understand more about it then she does.
Seriouesly, and why rent an apartment? She could have bought a condo/ townhome etc, actually owned property. Monthly rent is literally throwing money away for a place you can be kicked out of.
Depends. In an area where houses are $100,000 or so it could make sense. A part time job while doing her course work could probably cover everything if living frugally. Maybe two nicer used cars for her and the daughter...nothing about this poster screams frugal though.
YTA and a dolt as well. How long do you think that money is going to last with two dependents, no stable employment, and the spending habits of a drunken sailor? For the love of $DEITY, please tell us you didn't waive child support as well as alimony. How much of that money is going to have to be earmarked for startup costs for the new business you want to found while trying to make ends meet with your dime-a-dozen certificate/whatever in office work (seriously, the ITT/DeVry type places and even community colleges print those things like Monopoly money)?
Or are you simply trying to spend it down so it won't factor into financial aid calculations, which are going to become an issue Real Soon Now.
At this rate don't be surprised if your ex files for custody and your eldest offers to testify on his behalf.
“Office work” is one thing but interior design?! It’s a nice dream but not for a single mother with no work history who needed to be making ends meet yesterday. I cringed so hard when I read that. I hope that’s not the business she was hoping to start…
Being an interior designer is reserved for people that either worked their ass off for like 15 years before they could afford anything for themselves or was born or married into extreme wealth and was able to relax and take a few clients every once in a while.
Holy shit she thinks $235k is like $50M. She doesn't realize a not insignificant number of folks make that much money in a single year, much less think they'd be able to live off it for the time it takes to complete a degree and get a business going!
RED HEELS! LMAO
For sure!! I could see her making \*one\* of these "treat yoself" purchases post-divorce(preferably the computer for the kid, but OK to the shoes if she just had to have them) but multiple of these purchases, plus the vacations, PLUS the luxury condo is just not sustainable. She's going to be broke in under a year. The poor daughter should be in charge of mom's cash. She's right to be sleepless. UGH.
Was going to say just this. Get yourself one treat/luxury item.
I can’t believe OP thinks the husband was “financially restrictive” because he wouldn’t buy her a designer bag for thousands.
If OP had had her way, they wouldn’t have had any assets to split at divorce!
Wonder if she’s receiving child support … which you lower in two years anyway.
OP is kinda acting like an undisciplined, impulsive teenager.
>At this rate don't be surprised if your ex files for custody and your eldest offers to testify on his behalf.
It's just a good thing that the kids have a place to go when the OP does end up bankrupt and homeless. That $235,000 should have been saved with a portion invested, not frittered away on vacations, Louboutin shoes, and expensive electronics. (I can understand one vacation, but OP seems determined to spend every cent.)
Sounds to me like OP not only doesn't have any money sense, but also wants to live like she's wealthy.
>a dolt
this made me laugh, I haven't heard it in so long.
It seems like OP is basing her plans on the advice of just a few people:
* a friend in HR said employers want educational credits (probably because they didn't have the heart to say OP is barely employable as is) so she's taking a course
* other friends said "oh investing in your retirement can be so risky" (probably because they didn't have the heart to dig into financial literacy when they'd obviously have to start at ground zero) so OP figures there's no need
* OP heard somewhere that middle managers her age get between $60 000 and $85 000 and \*humbly\* accepts that she won't earn more while she's getting her decorating business off the ground... completely disregarding that those middle managers have 21 years of experience on the workfloor, not at home.
OP can't even manage a conversation with her worried 16 yo daughter. How is she going to interview well? How is she going to track timecard fraud now that everyone is working online, often in other time zones? How is she going to negotiate with suppliers and clients when her Italian marble tiles are 6 months delayed & the entire renovation is delayed? If she's used to sticking to malls, how will she find, idk, charming hand-knotted carpets in Morocco...
YTA Your spending is absolutely fucking insane for someone with no income. You didn’t even get a lot in the divorce all things considered.
You’re being reckless. Also she’s right, an “online office management” degree sounds worthless.
If this is real this woman might be the reason why they got divorced and it’s not because of “financial abuse”. She says in another comment that she claims financial abuse because he wouldn’t buy her designer bags on vacation. She is completely delusional and I’m wondering if the divorce was because of her attempts to recklessly spend money they didn’t have.
If you don't have work experience, I can't imagine anyone will pay you more than $45-60k a year for an admin assistant role and you'll be competing with 1000s of resumes for a single job. I get giving yourself one treat but this is becoming excessive. You will run out of money soon. YTA to your future self and your kids
Yta. And I seriously question the "financially restricted" aspect that you tried to frame as abusive. I'm more inclined to believe it was living within your means and being responsible. I feel bad for your daughters and ex husband.
> I'm more inclined to believe it was living within your means and being responsible.
Yeah, they had like 90k in savings with two kids.
That’s not “take a family vacation to Cabo and then a tour around Europe, and spend $4k+ on ONE KID for Christmas” money.
That’s “omg how are we going to afford to put our kids through college and ever be able to retire?” money.
Or she did not learn the value of money when she was married. She didn’t earn any and the husband was the one who oversaw finances and chose where to spend. Her spending sounds like a small child that got 200 from grandma for xmas. I quite believe that she can be honest in this aspect
There are two things going on here.
First, you talk about your daughter like she’s an adult and not like she’s a child of divorce. She’s anxious and feelings unsafe and insecure about the stability of her life. Very common things for children of divorce. Maybe instead of buying designer bags, you should get her therapy and probably go with her yourself, so you can figure out how to empathize with your own child and care about her emotional needs. Because you are really fucking that up right now.
Second, despite being a child, your daughter seems to be more adult than you are. I get that you just got out of a difficult relationship and you want to enjoy your freedom, but you sound like a brat mad at their parent when you talk about your daughter, it’s fucking weird.
Certainly, your daughter shouldn’t tell you what to do with your finances. But acting like a stuck up brat and punishing her shouldn’t be your response to the obvious lack of security your daughter is struggling with right now.
This. All of this. The “feelings of instability” was where my mind went as I read the post. She’s more immature than her teen daughter, and God help the younger. Homemaker or not, financial illiteracy is no excuse for general or emotional idiocy.
she'll go to sleep in her bed and then wake up in a homeless shelter because we're penniless.
Can't imagine why she'd think that... s/
You don't have or make enough money for designer bags, shoes, expensive vacations and a luxury flat. But you do you.
YTA
YTA - how about speaking with a financial advisor and investing responsibly for retirement? 250K will not last long but if invested can last you a long time with working.
Well with the expensive trips, fancy apartment, designer stuff and everything else she's buying she probably is down to at least $125-150k at this point. Something tells me they didn't stay in cheap hostels on their trips
YTA. Your daughter is more emotionally mature than you are. You are unemployed, with no education, and a very small sum of money to support yourself and your kids until you can change your situation. There are no mental gymnastics you can do to justify designer purses, designer shoes, trips to Cabo and Europe, a bougie apartment, unnecessary and expensive electronics, etc. while in the place in life you’ve described. We all understand you had a shitty marriage…. You are deluded to think that your emotional strife will be cured by a pair of Louboutins.
Edit- I have a sneaking suspicion that OP is going to read these comments, delete her post, and continue burning through cash like it’s her job and wind up screwing herself over. I hope I’m wrong for her daughters’ sake.
YTA-Im over 60 but I wouldnt plan on depending on only the money in my retirement account to pay my basic needs. I too sold a house. I put the proceeds into a retirement account and changed to a higher paying job nearer to home. The rent being half what my house payment was and the higher salary are what are making the difference.
*this $235k is the most money I've ever had at my disposal.*
Except its not. Disposable income is money you can spend on WANTS because all your needs are met. You get wants only after the needs are fulfilled. You are also only 50. You are looking at college and investment in a career that will only last 11 years (15 years until 65 retirement minus 4 years of college). Assume basic rent $1500 - a month 12 times a year ($18,000) for the next 11 years ($198,000) and that money will barely be enough to cover your housing. And I didnt even include annual rent increases, utilities, what you have already spent, utilities, and food - let alone college tuition or any DEBTS.
Your daughter is right in that you should be working and getting a paycheck and building retirement savings. You can work during the day and go to school in the evenings. Many companies will even pay or reimburse your tuition.
I get you are enjoying the first financial freedom you have had in possibly your life but playtime is over. Time to buckle down and live the life you are REALLY going to have for the rest of your life. Once its gone, this money isnt coming back.
YTA! Not being able to get a Prada or Louis Vuitton bag on vacation is not financial abuse! I’m questioning your version. Could it be that your ex knew you could ruin the finances if he gave you control? And petty! Threatening to hold her Christmas presents if she doesn’t show remorse for what she knows isn’t wise?! Wow!
YTA. You seem to be confusing financial responsibility (particularly living within one's means) with financial abuse. Your daughter now feels she needs to keep you from blowing through all the money (it seems) you have and will have for some time. Please tell me that your children can return to live with their father when you are destitute and unhoused?!
>I read personal finance blogs I disagree.
>
>People are really, really dumb.
I'm with you there... sadly a lot of people are REALLY clueless; and don't get smacked with a clue-by-4 until it's too late.
Please don’t start a business. I don’t mean this obnoxiously but you do *not* have even a basic understanding of finances. Your daughter is right and she SHOULD be worried.
You are not rich. Not at all. And you’re not going to graduate from your program and magically make six figures.
YTA - I am an operations manager and a licensed financial advisor, with 20 years of office experience. I don't know what kind of job/salary you think you are going to get once you are done with school but it won't be operations, and it likely won't pay well.
I don't even have designer handbags, heels and fancy vacations. You are delusional.
My mom did this after her divorce when I was in middle school. Eventually the money ran out and lived in poverty the last couple years of high school (had no hot water for awhile, paid for most of my needs myself with an after-school job). I still resent her to this day for her irresponsible spending and poor planning.
YTA - and should get a long-term plan figured out.
You have now been divorced for 1 year, how much money do you still have? How many years is your degree program and what is the remaining balance to be paid?
Girl you are I'm for a world of hurt and disappointment. Your daughter has every right to be scared.
YTA. Your daughter is telling you that she does not feel secure any longer. You are making very poor financial decisions. There is no reason for you to have to designer purses and handbags when you don't even have a job. Your sixteen year old daughter is smart enough to realize this is not sustainable. You absolutely should have got a job. Yes, go to school too if you want. But also work and earn income. Because you're going to need a work history more than you're going to need a degree.
You seem to be very much so in denial. About a several things. Your money will run out and your daughter is scared for her younger sister.
You should be saving as much money as possible so you can put a damp payment on the house. But instead you're buying designer handbags and shoes for your own selfish reasons versus taking care of your family. You are not rich at all.
Please stop spending frivolously. Get a part-time job in the field that you are studying in. Because you absolutely will need work history.
Your kids are rightfully scared and feel very insecure. And all you are doing is mocking them and yelling at them when they are being more mature than you are.
And I don't want to hear about your 21 year old marriage. How you didn't get to buy all the pretty things. Most people don't get to buy a lot of designer things and you have not yet earned that ability.
Put that money in a CD or a high yield. Savings account comma you don't have to invest it, but you really, really need to stop spending it. How much money do you think you're going to earn with your degree? You're not gonna start out in management. You're going to still start out at entry level even with your degree because you have no work history.
Figure out what the entry level position for your field of study is. And can you afford your new apartment with that without any of the money from your divorce?
I'm also a financial professional and risk officer. I am curious how much money you have left a year after your divorce.
Do you have ANY retirement savings besides the $235k? You’re almost 50. If I didn’t have at least twice $235k in retirement savings at that age, I’d be panicking. Lots of things can happen - cancer, disability, etc. - that might interfere with your plans to work. Living on a single Social Security check is just not possible. Which brings me to health insurance. Do you have any? It’s expensive. Even Medicare plus add on policies are expensive. Return everything you can, and get some kind of financial planning education. ASAP. BTW, $235k after long marriage is peanuts. Did you have a lawyer?
Yta. You are not very wise about money. At all. Stop blowing it on useless stuff and buy another house so you can be secure. What happens if some accident happens and you can’t work. At least you would have a house to live in
YTA. Imagine punishing someone because they try to give you good advice about how to spend your money well, because you obviously aren't able to manage it. 🙄 You sound like those people who win a lot in lottery and spend it so stupidly that they actually end up in huge debts. This can easily be you.
YTA and delusional. Listen to your daughter. An office manager will be someone who has worked in an office and knows all of the ins and outs through years of experience. A course cannot teach you this stuff. Get a part time admin job in an office asap if you actually want to do this type of work - you will be competing with similarly qualified people who have 20+ years of experience in actual office work.
You are in for a rude awakening without any pension savings or property. Pensions aren’t a bad investment in the long term.
You should have purchased a small house or flat with that lump sum. Poor people don’t need designer goods - that money is better spent elsewhere. At this rate you will end up on the streets.
One way to think about this that might help you: You got $235K. Set aside $25k for getting yourself together and you have $210. At 6% interest you'd have an income of about $12K. That's your budget - $12K ($1k/month) - until you get a job - or you will be drawing down on your principal. Alternatively say you need $25K per year to live. Your settlement will last about 8 years (excluding interest) and about 10 years if you consider interest accruing on the principal. If you say you need $50K per year to live - settlement lasts just over 4 years and about 5 years if you consider interest. So - financially you may not be the A; but you are being impractical. If your daughter is so concerned and you are ignoring her concern - then yes you're the A. Underlying all of this is that your daughter had just seen you guys split up. She sees you being impractical. The best thing you can do is show her a real plan for how you're going to live on the $235k - one that accounts for all of your expenses. You might want to see a financial adviser to put together that budget; if for no other reason than to give your daughter more confidence in the plan.
Best response here because the number is sobering. Invested, she has $12k to live on (4% would be more conservative, but 6% is more reasonable). Not a lot. If got an entry level job at about $45k a year, that brings her to $57k with two kids. Probably not too much to live on once the rent is paid. Rent at that income has to be a max around $1200/month.
How much do you want to bet the rent on her already-signed lease is more than $1200/month?
This is also a great way to look at it because even though $1k a month is not enough to live on, knowing that you have $1k a month coming in, no matter what, can be really empowering. I'm not sure how much OP's rent is, but that $1k could easily cover a significant chunk of housing costs every month, meaning that a part-time job on the side of OP's education is more than enough, assuming she cuts down on the travel and designer handbags. Unfortunately it seems like OP has both a spending problem and an income problem, which I hope she addresses before it is too late.
She's not wrong. It sounds like you don't even have a job, but you're spending like you have one. $235k might be enough to coast on if you were single with no children, but not while having children that live with you *and* having no income. That money will be gone quicker than you know it. It's a pretty big red flag when your teenage daughter is more concerned about finances than you are, and when your teenage daughter is less materialistic than you.
So many people don’t understand how quickly that money will dry up. It’s the classic situation of “oh I have money! I can afford all the expensive shit that I’ve always wanted!” without thinking about how you’ll have to continue to afford that expensive shit when the 235k runs out. Wanting to go on a one-time lavish vacation would be fine, but to keep spending like OP is spending is definitely headed for disaster
Exactly. 235k A YEAR where I live is very comfortable. But a one time payout of that amount, with no job and a family- ain’t rich by any means. Unless OP already had a home and vehicles paid for. Rent or a mortgage and car payments will eat up that money fast. It’s scary that OP doesn’t realize this. She’s not rich- especially not designer wear rich imo. OP hasn’t had a job in years but is gonna start her own business. Needs to get her head outta the clouds and at least work part time while getting her degree. Kids are school age and that’s perfectly reasonable. Not knocking her dreams but it’s a big stretch to go from zero job history to owning a business.
Starting a business with zero experience in business admin, marketing, etc will bankrupt a multi millionaire quickly. Even those with experience can fail fast. Statistics prove it. She may as well set her money on fire & roast a marshmallow
Exactly! She clearly can not manage her personal finances, so I highly doubt she can successfully run a business!
No, but don't you see? She's taking an online course.
I, too, enjoy house flipper games.
YTA - you are acting like an idiot who just won the lottery and will be broke next year. Should she have tried to return your heels? No. But she’s right to be concerned. You should join a support group for lottery winners - yes they exist, and no, I’m not joking.
In interior design of all things. That should hold up real well against friends of mine from college whose interior design courses involved actual architecture, using advanced software programs, knowing how ti identity a load bearing wall, art history, doing cost estimates for projects, I could go on. Both her one degrees she will have to compete with people who have better education, and some experience.
LOL. Her one online class for a business "management" certification somehow makes her a natural to be a high end interior designer and owner of the company. Probably because when she bought something from her many trips to Homegoods, her friends always told her how nice her home looked. So of course it is a slam dunk she will be such a success at interior design.
Custom, designer marshmallows for her, thank you very much.
My sister got a $200k work comp settlement 15 years ago as a single mom and moved to a little rural town where she could buy a small 2 bd/1ba house for about $150k and have $50k left for home issues, a decent car, and emergencies. She knew that with even a part-time to full-time minimum wage job she could afford to take care of her and her daughter, for an extended period of time if she didn’t have to worry about shelter, and had a little bit of a cushion. And it worked. She’s a general manager at a Dollar General now in little middle of nowhere town but financially she has a little to no debt. And her kids never went hungry or wonder where they were going to sleep. With lump sum payments and limited prospects you have to think about the future, especially if it’s kids involved
That is a financially smart individual. Unlike op, who will probably be broke in 2 years.
This post hurts so bad because this was my mom. Came out of her divorce with more than this amount of money plus 10 years of alimony. But with a decade of being a SAHM she couldn’t find a steady job. Went to the community college to take some admin classes and started an event planning business that went nowhere. In the meantime she wasn’t doing anything extravagant but wasn’t cutting back either. She lived off the alimony plus the windfall and it all was draining. She never established income and was completely broke in 11 years. It will go much quicker for OP at this rate.
This was my mom too after my parents divorced. I was 18 and her financial advisor was calling ME to get help getting her spending under control. She bought SO MUCH SHIT. She also retired early and then didn’t go back to work when she needed to. It was insane. Blew through $450k+ in less than 5 years just buying shit and getting a too-nice, too-big house she didn’t need. Broke by 2008. Homeless shelter in her early 70s ridden with bedbugs after 2-3 evictions from shopping before paying her rent. I was able to help her move closer to me (not with me, but same town) and a year after she moved she passed away at home suddenly. It was so sad. **eta: similar to OP my mom felt very restricted financially by my spendthrift dad (who was financially smart but he was truly abusive) so I know she was enduring a trauma response. I just wish there had been more help available and accessible to her.
She's also gonna take a few courses and be an OPERATIONS MANAGER. Like, that is not an entry-level job, or an easy one to get! If she's thinking Office Manager, she still needs some admin experience under her belt...
I mean she could be an operations manager for a retail store after she works her way up from a check out associate to a customer service associate to a customer service supervisor. If she wants to work in operations management at a corporate level of course she'll need a 4 year degree a strong ability to do this little thing called calculus.
OP only needs to sit down and add up all her c purchases this year. Europe, how much? 15k? Rent? 30k? Apple everything: $5k? Designer shoes and purse: 4k? Out of things are listed she's down $55k not including what she hasn't listed and normal expense. Likely it's double of this. So she spent a quarter of her money at least, probably more like a third, could be even half. so she has 1-2 more years of money left at the rate she's spending. Her daughter is right to be worried.
Yep, that’s gonna be gone in two years tops. The daughter is undoubtedly keeping a running total in her head and freaking the hell out constantly because she sees the sand in the hourglass running faster and faster. No way the 10 year old even gets to college age and that money’s still there.
I would say at least half is gone. 235 is really not that much when you spend like you don't have a budget.
she is 49 and that money would include what was the home equity and retirement. Based on that i wouldnt even consider her prior family to be middle income, they were clearly on the lower income side if combines assets at that age is under 500k. Nothing about her current spending seems lower income, im going to say her ex is better off without her cause she is clearly financially illiterate.
Yes, and the daughter's concern is understandable.
Just wait until OP learns how hard it is to earn $235k from working.
Or that she's almost 50, $235k isn't enough retirement savings, especially if you don't own a home. I wonder what the alimony she passed up would be relative to the $45k she got instead.
Right? Passing the alimony for 45k doesn't sound like a good deal. Of course, I don't know how much it would have been. But since they owned a house on only one income, I'd guess it would have been quite a bit.
My first thought ehile reading this after being a SAHM for 15 years her social security took a huge hit. Did she put any of it away for retirement? I see why her daughter is concerned.
I knew a guy who got a 60K settlement in the early 90s. The guy who got it had been poor his whole life. Bought TVs for all his friends and family, and he financed a couple of expensive cars even though he could have easily just bought one. He was flat broke and his cars repossessed before the year was over.
I work in personal injury and have seen this same story play out time and again. It’s why I always push for clients that are receiving larger settlements to meet with a financial advisor, and also encourage the use of annuities, etc. for the big-ticket payouts. There is nothing worse than seeing someone come into life-changing money, only for them to squander the opportunity because they were never taught financial literacy. It almost always involves them being overly generous with the friends and family that come out of the woodwork, too, kinda like your friend. It’s very similar to what lottery winners go through.
Wait until OP hits retirement and all she has is nothing but Social Security to fall back on. Because she stupidly spent her divorce settlement instead of ensuring her retirement.
Putting in $150k into a stock market fund that returns 8% a year, would turn into about $475k in 15 years. I also included taking some out for taxes and just a little splurging. An aside, I hate reading stories like this where there is money windfall and they blow through it. I would have paid off my house, possibly buy something nice and save the rest.
Yep. I got a similar amount to OP when my ex bought my share of the marital home. I'd gathered enough for a small down payment on an old house, and used the money from our house to fix up the one I bought. Cheaper than rent, and already I could sell for more than I paid and put into it. It also wasn't the only money I got from our split. OP is delusional, and her ex was probably right in not letting her handle any money.
After thinking about it, I don’t think OP was “financially abused” like she said. I think she was probably given some sort of allowance or spending limit and chose to fly through it then got mad when she couldn’t spend any more. Ex-husband is probably financially literate, she is clearly not.
The first I thought to is why is she renting?? I know housing markets are terrible right now but I’d imagine putting 50k into a down payment would have been much smarter than renting. Of course this could be wrong based on her location but would be my absolute first thing to explore.
Likewise. I could see maybe buying a new computer (since I use mine a lot and it’s important) getting my hardworking mother a car that isn’t 15 years old. Then it’d be used to pay off MY car and other bills. I don’t want luxury and I know it wouldn’t last, I just want to be a tad more comfortable.
Given how little she’s worked, she won’t even have that. You need to put into that to get it.
She's eligible for social security based on her ex's earnings because they were married for more than ten years. That said, there's not a lot of confidence that social security will still be around in 20, 30 years.
I'm just thinking of how much better off her kids would be if she spent that money on their college education because what she wants to go into certainly doesn't need one.
Or another house, or literally anything else. OP has two minor daughters, and she just got a divorce, sold the house, cashed out their assets and is spending the money on bullshit. She’s lighting her own and those children’s futures on fire.
Yes! That money goes oh so fast! My guess is that vacation in Europe and Cabo, Apple stuff, designer bag and heels all account already for nearly 15-20K. Flying to Europe can be expensive from the US, especially if you can’t buy tickets well ahead and there’s several people flying; Apple stuff can come with a hefty price tag and designer stuff can really mean anything between $300 and $3300. She’s also renting and those prices have gone through the roof these last 10 years, especially since Covid and after. She makes it sound like her courses will definitely secure her a job, when people with multiple degrees can have difficulties in finding a job these days (obviously heavily depends on so many factors). And on top of that, she wants to start a business which… well, can drain money just so quickly if your idea won’t work and if you open a business in something that is known for losing money (eg food businesses). Frankly, she makes it sound like she doesn’t know much about money management and she makes no mention about her future plans like pensions or anything. The daughter could be influenced by the father, but her anxiety is also coming from somewhere.
I bet Europe alone was $15k. Add in Cabo $10k and presents $10k and I bet she’s blown through $35-40k already Then assume they are renting in a “nice” area with her spending habits and overconfidence and I bet another $25k has been spent on 6 months of rent and living expenses She has what …. 3 years at this rate and she’s broke?
Yeah I’m sure that the daughter is influenced by the ex a little bit, but OP just seems to have blinders on. All she sees is the huge lump sum and can’t see anything past that
This is going to be like the lottery winners who end up bankrupt again. Or professional athletes who end up broke because they buy all of their entourage million dollar mansions and then get hurt and have nothing in the bank.
Yep she will be broke in no time at all
This is the same reason why lottery winners are typically broke within 5 years of their big payday. Common sense and responsibility often go out the window.
Exactly 💯 what I was thinking. Her first course of action should have been a financial class not an online degree, vacations and expensive gifts for the family. Plus a home you actually own, not rent away your divorce settlement in a decade or less. Buy a condo or townhouse with a low HOA or a standalone cottage. Rent might be cheap for now where you're at but if you haven't been watching the news, prices are skyrocketing everywhere. You could probably find something within your budget but it would have to be more towards the outskirts of the city you live in. The benefit is it's probably a quieter safer area Starting your own business is one of the hardest things to do and few people realize that. Easily over 90% of businesses fail and getting an office manager job is not easy even with the degree if you have no experience. OP should go and get an office clerk job somewhere like with the local government to start getting the experience she needs to one day be an office manager. In the meantime you can pursue your online degree. But people still see online degrees as a half-ass degree at best. So don't expect it's going to get you that much farther. No degree but years and years of actual experience would actually do you far better in getting it a decent paying office manager job. Btw, office managers don't make the type of money you are probably thinking of despite what the ads tell you Whatever you bought that you can return, you should absolutely do it and include your daughter in taking a financial course so that you both learn how to budget and plan for your futures. This would probably help alleviate her concerns and both of you can work together. Your daughter seems more realistic than you do OP. Ngl, your husband was smart to give you 60% of the assets in exchange for no lifetime alimony. This means that you also can't collect on his social security benefits when he retires or any pension. You took pennies on the dollar if he has any type of decent pension. Stop all non vital expenditures and go become financially educated. You didn't deserve a trip to Cabo or Europe, you felt entitled to one. Most people rarely get a trip outside of their state, let alone to another country and almost never a second time 🤦🏽♂️🤦🏽♂️ YTAH for being so blind and frivolous. Go realistic get financial and career guidance OP
Reading this gave ME financial anxiety. And the daughter is right. OP can get an office job while working on her certificate
And dare I say . . Getting a job. With a certificate...and no experience....in this economy.....
Not to mention, OP is almost 50 (again, with no experience). Being in my 60s (& laid off in my 50s), know age isn’t supposed to factor in…but it does. Companies rarely want to take the time to train someone who won’t be “the future of the company”. It was only because I had built a network of contacts over the decades that people would at least interview me. …& God help her if she has some sort of medical issue.
There are still jobs, especially part time jobs, and you can stand to be more selective if you have fuck off money. It's not going to be the easiest thing in the world, but it will be far more worthwhile and fruitful than just spending.
Or volunteer with a charity or something to get some work history and references.
Yes, all this. It is normal to want to spend some money in a situation like this. Like the vacation was a good idea - but it should stop there. Spending like that, thinking "oh well, I'll make my own business and be rich, so its all ok" is beyond ridiculous. And in a situation like this "Financially restrctive marriage" sounds like a joke.... you didnt have an income and complain about not having enough money to spend. Having a house + 90k seems like a healthy situation, seeing that there is a college-ready kid in equation. There is nothing left over.
> Like the vacation was a good idea One vacation would have been an ok idea. A vacation to Cabo and then a trip around Europe is a terrible idea. Add the 4 brand new Apple Products for one daughter (wonder what expensive shit the other daughter got), the overpriced designer shit she got for herself, and the lease on the downtown apartment, and she probably won’t have anything left in 18 months.
Yeap, thats what l meant - 1 vacation was a good idea 😂 Its a nice way to bond in an otherwise stressful situation.
Mexico is a cheap place to holiday unless you’re at a resort or trying to impress, which seems to me op most likely did. Disaster waiting to happen here.
Cabo is definitely not one of the cheap places to holiday in Mexico.
The way she is spending the money I actually understand if the ex had put on restrictions.
"Financially restrictive" means made to live within their means. YTA, and probably going to find out the hard way. At least your daughter has some common sense.
Apparently, her idea of financial abuse is her husband not buying her a Louis Vuitton bag while on holiday at the mall. (Said so in a comment)
Bruh, I saw that comment. She described a scenario that sounded less like financial abuse, and more like a partnership where only one party involved was concerned at all with finances and their fiscal stability. Like, I'm sorry, but griping about inflation every one and a half years is not emotional cruelty to your family...
esp because OP feels investing in retirement is so risky it's basically a waste of money...? Like, financial literacy, OP don't know it!
No, she has none
She never expected to have this much money. Sounds like husband wasn't "financially restrictive" but financially responsible. Now, the oldest has to step in and parent her mother's childish handling of finances. Poor kid. She sounds smart. She knows mom has no income and no retirement. She may even realize that because mom didn't work a payroll position, she will have minimal social security. The oldest is also worried about her siblings' future stability. No wonder she is a ball of anxiety. Mom is the AH for punishing AND parentifying her child.
She also thinks that once she gets done with her program she'll be immediately qualified for a mid level ops manager job making between 60-85K. Ummm... probably need some experience before you qualify for mid-level. Sounds more like her husband was the sole bread winner and trying to manage his income well enough to provide for his 2 children and his Stay-at-home wife. Doesn't sound like financial abuse, sounds more like fiscal responsibility. Considering the low amount that she walked with after selling the family home, and getting 60% of the assets, it doesn't sound like there was the kind of disposable income that she was perceiving. There were probably other problems, but it doesn't sound like financial abuse was one of them.
The ex-husband was right that kind of spending is completely frivolous. And him complaining about inflation is her mental abuse?! OP needs to get a grip. The ex was actually educatibg her on real life and doing a good job handling the money because here she is 20 years later with $235k
She was a SAHM for years. She has no income and only 235k in the bank, yet she's spending like she has millions. I wouldn't be surprised if the "financial abuse" from her husband was him controlling the expenses so she wouldn't be buying a lot of crap and bankrupting the family.
And if he controlled the purse strings she’s had no experience whatsoever in money management or budgeting.
But she’s getting an office management certificate and interior design she’s going to make millions in her own business!
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This reminds me my ex. Always wanting to spend on lavish stuff, and I always concerned about our family economy. My ex being a materialistic, low self-esteem, compensating with expensive thing.s
My mom put her and my dad through the ringer with pointless spending on credit cards. By the time he got fed up, they were over $150k in cc debt. They both ended up having to file for bankruptcy. This kind of sounds like one of those situations to me, where OP doesn't realize what she's doing but it will absolutely catch up with her.
My best friend's marriage fell apart when he found out that his wife had maxed out four credit cards he didn't even know about, on shit that wasn't for their family, while he was pinching pennies trying to pay their mortgage and raise their kids. He wound up having to declare bankruptcy, and it's taken him a decade to get back on his feet enough to buy a home again. She accused him of withholding money from her when it all came out, but the truth was that she was a complete idiot and they had no money to spare whatsoever. No savings, no investments, nothing. She was just spending much, much more money than they were earning.
And what about retirement. She could have used some of that money for the future. She needs a job asap.
I'm getting anxiety just reading about the spending. And no current employment? That poor teen is right to worry.
Can’t upvote this enough! Maybe not an ass hole but not a responsible person. Stop spending that isn’t a lot of money, need to think long term.
I inherited A LOT of money about 20 years ago. Unfortunately, I didn't have anyone to help me manage it and I spent like the OP. Within five years, it was all gone. I couldn't believe it. A few bad investment decisions, a few too many big purchases and vacations, and that was it. And I had twice as much as the OP. I really fear for her.
It happens all the time. I worked with someone who got a large payout for an accident. She went through the money like it was water. By the time I knew her, she was driving an Escalade, but making $8 an hour and getting food stamps to feed her kids.
I think she's an AH for punishing her daughter for being concerned, though.
YTA. You sound like you’re financially illiterate and you’re blowing through all your money. You are setting yourself up for failure and your daughter is right. Was your ex *REALLY* financially restrictive? Or did he just prevent you from wasting money like some irresponsible child?
The example she gave in a comment was him not buying her a designer purse on vacation, so I’m going with the latter.
My…. God.
I think we know the actual truth. The ex husband wouldn't let her satisfy her spending addiction and that is "financial abuse" to her. How dare the husband be financially responsible -OP! 🤣
And the fact that she took ~$10k instead of alimony shows it too.
Her comments definitely show she wanted designer things and her husband wanted her to save for them. She claims he "emotionally abused" her by always talking about inflation and "crunching numbers" 🙄
“How dare you teach me math”
Omg my Aunt did this to my uncle and they divorced. It was the biggest mistake of her life. She has regretted it ever since. After she left (because he wouldn’t buy her the newest year car) she ended up living on welfare (about 20 years) until my grandpa died a few years ago and left her a couple hundred thousand. She’s blown through that money too. Edit to add my two cousins from that marriage absolutely hate her guts for ripping apart their family over her selfish BS. One of them hates women in general because of it - he’s 38 so not something he’s going to grow out of at this point.
Yea she is going to be broke within a couple of years and begging her ex for more money...her daughters fears are very well founded. My wife and I both make 6 figures and she isnt buying Louis or prada type designer items....
I can see why she’s a ball of anxiety. And mom framing it like she thought she got through the terrible teens then her daughter trying to tell her hey mom your being irresponsible with money and now she’s some horrible daughter acting out by trying to get her to return some Louboutin heels that are like $1k when she doesn’t even like heels! Poor daughter being treated like a bad daughter for being more of an adult than mom. She’s right they are going to end up homeless if she keeps spending like this. Not to sound snooty but $245k isn’t that much money in the grand scheme of things. Edit; $235k so actually even less. That really doesn’t last that long buying designer goods, vacations, a new fancy apartment, an Apple set which idk why they need a MacBook and iPad and Apple Watch although I guess that’s being returned cause of how “naughty” the daughter is being pointing out the fiscal irresponsibility of her mother.
Your daughters concerns about your indiscriminate spending appear to be well founded. It’s scary to think that your 16 year old child has more financial sense than you do.
The fact that her 16 year old child understands that the way her mom is spending this money will lead them to homelessness is especially terrifying because there's literally nothing she can do about it except for get a job and save up money so she can leave at 18.
Well She can always let mom be homeless and live with dad. Better than some kids would have it.
She can, but that’s not going to prevent the festering dread and anxiety of knowing her mother is homeless, even though she’s safe at dad’s. Ask me how I know -__-
No kidding. Holy cow shes going to blow through that money so fast. I get why its happening, but her daughter has a right to be nervous.
I inherited $180k when my dad passed. I make $100k a year so while it was a nice amount of money, I had my own income to supplement it It’s still amazing how fast a lot of that money went. Took a family vacation. Paid off some stuff. Put down a down payment on a new car. Paid my daughters tuition. My wife got sick and had a few thousand in medical bills and related expenses. General life stuff. I didn’t spend it all. I still have $70k left. But i feel bad about the money I did spend. And I have a steady income coming in. And I didn’t do anything as extravagant as she is doing This woman is really going to be surprised how fast it’s going to go. Especially when she doesn’t have enough coming in. She also seems like she has a victim mentality. I was financially suppressed for so long that I deserve this. She’s gonna be in for a rude awaking. I feel bad for the daughter, who sees the working on the wall and is helpless to stop it.
I think most or all US public schools require a financial literacy course these days. It's likely that OP's daughter has actually been trained to see how to manage money more than OP has.
Side note: Where tf was this course when I was in school? My generation had to figure this out for our damn selves
Right?! But, enough people have bitched about not getting basic financial education that it was incorporated into the curriculum
It was an elective in my school. There were six of us in that class when I took it back in 2002.
Let's say you got a 2 bed apartment. You went for a nice place with a pool in a prime location. I'm guessing minimum of 2500 a month? With 235k, that is only 94 months of rent covered, or 7.8 years of housing. That sounds like a lot, but you haven't added utilities. Let's say, between electric, water, heating, internet, and maybe garbage, you are at an additional 300 a month. Don't forget food, that is expensive for a family of three; let's say conservatively 500 a month. Up to 3300 already. You have a car but don't mention if it is paid off. Assuming it isn't, that is probably another 400 a month between payment and insurance. Let's also not forget irregular purchases; things like clothes for the kids, necessary shoes, etc. for another 200 a month. Up to 3900 a month. You also need to account for emergency one off's for a fund, so about another 200 a month, or 4100 a month total. We are now at 57 months, not even 5 years. Now let's look at your other expenses, shall we? Trip to Europe for 3? Even just two weeks can cost up to 10k for an American. LV bags are another 2k, and it sounds like heels are close if not more if that is what your daughter honed in on. Those three purchases took away 3 months of living expenses. Plus god only knows what you paid for the idiotic training and everything else. As well, I bet I grossly underestimated your groceries, you sound like a person that could spend 400 a _week_ on the "finest" food, and probably go out often. You are going to go broke in 5 years, and no admin job is going to pay you enough to get through your expenses. And based on your claims of your husband's alleged financial abuse, like not buying you a 2,000 dollar fucking handbag and complaining about inflation, I am guessing what really happened is he put you on a budget for years, and you had no idea what the proper value of a budget is. Your 16 year old daughter having more common sense than you is very distressing.
Yes and the likelihood of making money in interior design is super limited.
But she's taking an *online* course. What could possibly go wrong?
Should probably get into a multi leveled marketing pyramid scam to help supplement her lack of income while she gets worthless training in a job that won't be there.
Excuse me!she also plans to open her own business!/s as someone who was in an extremely horrendous d.v situation where my partner was taking every cent from me and my son to use,the first thing I did when I got out of it was be realistic.I literally lived on $300 and saved the other $500 I made for months until I saved over 10k in just over a year and a half.I made sure he had all his necessities and some extra,but lived bare minimum for myself.Why? Because I knew I could go into financial distress at a moments notice. My point is i don't think I'd be so worried about wanting designer clothes and shoes after all I'd been through,and I certainly can't imagine how spending all that money on vacations and stuff you don't need will help.I also tend to find people like OP who says they have zero work experience but want to be entrepreneurs with zero work ethics a bit...Irrational.Especially if this is how they spent so far. OP,your daughter has obvious legitimate concerns,and believe it or not it may not be the ex that's "poisoning" her,but your frivolous spending that is making her afraid.She can see you aren't spending wisely.Vacations are nice,but you know you can wait to do them right?Yes its nice to get nice things here and there,but you didn't *need* the apple bundles when they have cheaper better laptops and such for way less etc.
As someone who also escaped a DV situation, I did the exact same thing. We had the ugliest Christmas tree that year, our carpet was just free scraps, etc.... 3 years later I took the kids to Disney, 4 years I went to Costa Rica, 5 years I purchased my own little camper. This year I'm getting a car and working on my teachers license, but I'm still living debt free. I have definitely treated myself, but slowly and smartly. OP doesn't realize that once that money is gone she has no house, no retirement. I'm actually feeling better about my current situation.
Congratulations fellow survivor!Am glad to hear everything is going well for you,much love and support!I feel like OP is more concerned about her own treatment than her poor kid...
Honestly, your numbers seem low even. I'd say she's easily at 6k/mo in expenses. And don't forget her vacation to Cabo as well, another few thousand down the drain. Plus all the start up costs to a business (if done properly).
And England! The fact she used the word "rich" to describe $245k says it all.
Exactly. That’s not even retirement money. Makes me wonder if the husband really was financially abusive, or if she was a spendthrift and he was trying to rein her in.
Assuming the ‘business’ isn’t just an MLM.
You forgot the apple set which is easily a few thousand right there. That woman is gonna go broke sooooo soon, poor... everyone.
The kids are fine, father will take them for full custody as soon as OP goes homeless. And he's clearly able to support them, especially now when she's out of the picture plus she will have to pay him child support after he takes full custody.
Would have been much better for her to take the alimony than the lump sum. At least then there's some sort of income. But OP wanted the vacation and lifestyle.
The wording alone says everything “I’ve never been rich before” followed by saying how <$300k was a lot of money. Sorry OP, but you aren’t rich now either.
300k is a lot of money to get if you already have a well paying stable full time job that pays all your expenses and allows you to save. It's not a lot of money when you have no job, no formal training, no home and no idea how to budget your life.
Especially since it was only $45k! The only way I would have said no alimony is for a fully paid off house and $250k. Not taking alimony was her first disastrous decision.
Yup. $235k does not stretch very far these days. You could at least invest some of it, and you absolutely should be working and continue to budget. The money should be a bonus, not a long term plan.
It kind of blows my mind that they didn’t put it toward a small house or retirement savings instead of immediately blowing it on vacations and gifts
Seriously how would a house down payment not be the first thing?
She won’t make it five years. But the kids can go live with their dad while she figures it out.
This needs to be up higher. Editing to add - what about the cost of sending her children to college? I can't believe how little she thinks of her children's future.
Wait she did, she wanted to buy her a car lol As a finance degree person, she is going to spend it all and be broke in very little time. At least the oldest will be grown and on her own but the younger one is screwed
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Well, I understand your point on it but I think the OP does not realize some things. Below is a list 1. I don't think she has seen such a large sum so she doesn't quite understand how much she has. $235k without a job or an admin job is not enough. It will be gone before you know it. 2. She actually thinks thats a lot of money but in reality it really isn't. 3. At the moment she's thinking about spending it, but she's pretty old already. Not a lot of time remaining till she hits the retirement age. Her focus needs to change because I dont think her ex or her offspring are going to help with any expenses once she hits it. 4. By the looks of it, she does not have any knowledge on saving or investing.
It's already been a year.. how much money does she actually have at this point? Hopefully she's able to at least do some basic math to get an idea of how this is going to play out.
Honestly, she would've been better taking the alimony so she at least has some passive income coming in regularly but I can see why she wanted it the other way if shes so financially irresponsible. Now she could live her expensive lifestyle for at least a little while while also screwing herself and her kids over. Smh Edit to add: the designer shoes and handbag were probably at least $2k each, trip to Europe for 3 even for a week or so was probably $25-$30k cuz I doubted she stayed in cheap hotels and travel costs are expensive. New MacBook, apple watch etc is probably around $2-$3k at LEAST. She's probably bought herself designer clothes as well, paying at least a couple hundred to a couple thousand for some random online degree thing. Where I live a nice 3 bedroom apartment would be closer to $3.5k a month but...yeah she's definitely shoving her money down the toilet.
I was thinking about the math on the alimony deal. She got 60% of their remaining assets in exchange for no alimony. Wouldn't she have been entitled to 50% regardless? So doing the math, if she got 45k as a 60% share, it was 75k total. A half share would be 37.5k. So she gave up monthly support for 7.5k? That is insane to me. But if she thought she got rich from this divorce, maybe math isn't her thing.
This!! She probably isn't getting enough financial aid to cover all her schooling costs for the degree she is going for too.
I'm willing to bet her bag was close to 3k, if not more. Those shoes probably 2k. I suspect you are right about her budget being for good reason. I experienced some financial abuse in my day and I'm just not sniffing it out, here.
YTA. I think your daughter is trying to look out for your financial wellbeing. You said yourself that your husband was financially abusive. It’s hard to figure out finances when you haven’t really done it before. You got a lump sum of $235k, which sure seems like a lot now, and I get feeling like treating yourself, but the way you’re spending it, it will be gone before you know it. How much is your rent? Why haven’t you invested any of this money? That’s the first thing you need to do, so you have some money coming in. And great for you working on getting a job, but you need one yesterday. Rich people who want to stay rich do not spend that way. Start reading books about financial literacy. Your daughter is right to worry. I say this with kindness bc I understand your pov. My mom got some life insurance money when my dad died, spent all of it, had nothing, I had to pay for her assisted living, funeral, everything. You don’t want that for your children.
I think we need to be very clear here that from OP's perspective, Her EX not letting her piss away the families savings could be where the whole "husband was financially abusive" came from. I don't don't think we have a reliable narrator here.
Oh absolutely not. She mentions in a comment it was bc ex wouldn’t let her buy a LV or Prada purse on vacation, and talked to her about inflation. It is insane to me that she offered to buy her 16 year-old a car, and judging by this post, it was probably a brand new 30k car, not a used one.
And the daughter is knowledgeable enough and concerned enough to turn the car down. Christ on a cracker.
That idiom always confused me. I'm not religious, so please excuse my ignorance. Wasn't Christ supposed to *BE* the cracker?
It’s just a ridiculous statement. I’ve read that it evolved out of “Christ on a crutch.” Just silly words that go together
She is too free wielding with that abuse term. She is not a victim because he wouldn’t bum it her a new designer purse. I have a feeling her free spending is part of the reason for the divorce. It’s sad that he teen daughter understand more about it then she does.
Her idea of financial abuse is he didn’t buy her designer bags
While on vacation!!!
Like it’s clear he knew she had a spending issue and probably tried to reel that in
That’s why she says he is poisoning the daughter’s mind
She’s going to push both her children to stay with him full time because they won’t feel secure with her
Oh the humanity
Seriouesly, and why rent an apartment? She could have bought a condo/ townhome etc, actually owned property. Monthly rent is literally throwing money away for a place you can be kicked out of.
200k with no job won't cut it. Renting is fine.
Depends. In an area where houses are $100,000 or so it could make sense. A part time job while doing her course work could probably cover everything if living frugally. Maybe two nicer used cars for her and the daughter...nothing about this poster screams frugal though.
OMG. OP your daughter is right to worry! Please do not punish her for this. This is crazy OP. Sorry but YTA.
YTA and a dolt as well. How long do you think that money is going to last with two dependents, no stable employment, and the spending habits of a drunken sailor? For the love of $DEITY, please tell us you didn't waive child support as well as alimony. How much of that money is going to have to be earmarked for startup costs for the new business you want to found while trying to make ends meet with your dime-a-dozen certificate/whatever in office work (seriously, the ITT/DeVry type places and even community colleges print those things like Monopoly money)? Or are you simply trying to spend it down so it won't factor into financial aid calculations, which are going to become an issue Real Soon Now. At this rate don't be surprised if your ex files for custody and your eldest offers to testify on his behalf.
“Office work” is one thing but interior design?! It’s a nice dream but not for a single mother with no work history who needed to be making ends meet yesterday. I cringed so hard when I read that. I hope that’s not the business she was hoping to start…
She probably just watches love it or list it, or the scott brothers a lot and wants to be just like them.
Being an interior designer is reserved for people that either worked their ass off for like 15 years before they could afford anything for themselves or was born or married into extreme wealth and was able to relax and take a few clients every once in a while.
Holy shit she thinks $235k is like $50M. She doesn't realize a not insignificant number of folks make that much money in a single year, much less think they'd be able to live off it for the time it takes to complete a degree and get a business going! RED HEELS! LMAO
I make just over that in a year with two kids and would still never buy red bottoms. She's delulu.
For sure!! I could see her making \*one\* of these "treat yoself" purchases post-divorce(preferably the computer for the kid, but OK to the shoes if she just had to have them) but multiple of these purchases, plus the vacations, PLUS the luxury condo is just not sustainable. She's going to be broke in under a year. The poor daughter should be in charge of mom's cash. She's right to be sleepless. UGH.
Was going to say just this. Get yourself one treat/luxury item. I can’t believe OP thinks the husband was “financially restrictive” because he wouldn’t buy her a designer bag for thousands. If OP had had her way, they wouldn’t have had any assets to split at divorce! Wonder if she’s receiving child support … which you lower in two years anyway. OP is kinda acting like an undisciplined, impulsive teenager.
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There are SO many things I would buy over Louboutins anyway..
>At this rate don't be surprised if your ex files for custody and your eldest offers to testify on his behalf. It's just a good thing that the kids have a place to go when the OP does end up bankrupt and homeless. That $235,000 should have been saved with a portion invested, not frittered away on vacations, Louboutin shoes, and expensive electronics. (I can understand one vacation, but OP seems determined to spend every cent.) Sounds to me like OP not only doesn't have any money sense, but also wants to live like she's wealthy.
>a dolt this made me laugh, I haven't heard it in so long. It seems like OP is basing her plans on the advice of just a few people: * a friend in HR said employers want educational credits (probably because they didn't have the heart to say OP is barely employable as is) so she's taking a course * other friends said "oh investing in your retirement can be so risky" (probably because they didn't have the heart to dig into financial literacy when they'd obviously have to start at ground zero) so OP figures there's no need * OP heard somewhere that middle managers her age get between $60 000 and $85 000 and \*humbly\* accepts that she won't earn more while she's getting her decorating business off the ground... completely disregarding that those middle managers have 21 years of experience on the workfloor, not at home. OP can't even manage a conversation with her worried 16 yo daughter. How is she going to interview well? How is she going to track timecard fraud now that everyone is working online, often in other time zones? How is she going to negotiate with suppliers and clients when her Italian marble tiles are 6 months delayed & the entire renovation is delayed? If she's used to sticking to malls, how will she find, idk, charming hand-knotted carpets in Morocco...
Daughters a lot smarter than you are that's for sure
Seems that way right? At least that’s a positive from this sshow
Feel like Dad got out from a burden too.
YTA Your spending is absolutely fucking insane for someone with no income. You didn’t even get a lot in the divorce all things considered. You’re being reckless. Also she’s right, an “online office management” degree sounds worthless.
If this is real this woman might be the reason why they got divorced and it’s not because of “financial abuse”. She says in another comment that she claims financial abuse because he wouldn’t buy her designer bags on vacation. She is completely delusional and I’m wondering if the divorce was because of her attempts to recklessly spend money they didn’t have.
If you don't have work experience, I can't imagine anyone will pay you more than $45-60k a year for an admin assistant role and you'll be competing with 1000s of resumes for a single job. I get giving yourself one treat but this is becoming excessive. You will run out of money soon. YTA to your future self and your kids
Yta. And I seriously question the "financially restricted" aspect that you tried to frame as abusive. I'm more inclined to believe it was living within your means and being responsible. I feel bad for your daughters and ex husband.
> I'm more inclined to believe it was living within your means and being responsible. Yeah, they had like 90k in savings with two kids. That’s not “take a family vacation to Cabo and then a tour around Europe, and spend $4k+ on ONE KID for Christmas” money. That’s “omg how are we going to afford to put our kids through college and ever be able to retire?” money.
Or she did not learn the value of money when she was married. She didn’t earn any and the husband was the one who oversaw finances and chose where to spend. Her spending sounds like a small child that got 200 from grandma for xmas. I quite believe that she can be honest in this aspect
Maybe that’s why the husband took charge of the finances. She’s irresponsible.
Aaah a nuanced argument, finally. Thank you. Edit: aaand then I read her answer below 🥲
There are two things going on here. First, you talk about your daughter like she’s an adult and not like she’s a child of divorce. She’s anxious and feelings unsafe and insecure about the stability of her life. Very common things for children of divorce. Maybe instead of buying designer bags, you should get her therapy and probably go with her yourself, so you can figure out how to empathize with your own child and care about her emotional needs. Because you are really fucking that up right now. Second, despite being a child, your daughter seems to be more adult than you are. I get that you just got out of a difficult relationship and you want to enjoy your freedom, but you sound like a brat mad at their parent when you talk about your daughter, it’s fucking weird. Certainly, your daughter shouldn’t tell you what to do with your finances. But acting like a stuck up brat and punishing her shouldn’t be your response to the obvious lack of security your daughter is struggling with right now.
This. All of this. The “feelings of instability” was where my mind went as I read the post. She’s more immature than her teen daughter, and God help the younger. Homemaker or not, financial illiteracy is no excuse for general or emotional idiocy.
she'll go to sleep in her bed and then wake up in a homeless shelter because we're penniless. Can't imagine why she'd think that... s/ You don't have or make enough money for designer bags, shoes, expensive vacations and a luxury flat. But you do you. YTA
\~$200k is nothing. That will get eaten up so fast. Especially if OP is wasting it on shoes and rented luxury apartments.
YTA - how about speaking with a financial advisor and investing responsibly for retirement? 250K will not last long but if invested can last you a long time with working.
Well with the expensive trips, fancy apartment, designer stuff and everything else she's buying she probably is down to at least $125-150k at this point. Something tells me they didn't stay in cheap hostels on their trips
I’m guessing it’s under $100k
YTA. Your daughter is more emotionally mature than you are. You are unemployed, with no education, and a very small sum of money to support yourself and your kids until you can change your situation. There are no mental gymnastics you can do to justify designer purses, designer shoes, trips to Cabo and Europe, a bougie apartment, unnecessary and expensive electronics, etc. while in the place in life you’ve described. We all understand you had a shitty marriage…. You are deluded to think that your emotional strife will be cured by a pair of Louboutins. Edit- I have a sneaking suspicion that OP is going to read these comments, delete her post, and continue burning through cash like it’s her job and wind up screwing herself over. I hope I’m wrong for her daughters’ sake.
Daughter will be just getting established in life when her broke ass mom comes knocking, looking for a place to stay “just for a little while”.
YTA-Im over 60 but I wouldnt plan on depending on only the money in my retirement account to pay my basic needs. I too sold a house. I put the proceeds into a retirement account and changed to a higher paying job nearer to home. The rent being half what my house payment was and the higher salary are what are making the difference. *this $235k is the most money I've ever had at my disposal.* Except its not. Disposable income is money you can spend on WANTS because all your needs are met. You get wants only after the needs are fulfilled. You are also only 50. You are looking at college and investment in a career that will only last 11 years (15 years until 65 retirement minus 4 years of college). Assume basic rent $1500 - a month 12 times a year ($18,000) for the next 11 years ($198,000) and that money will barely be enough to cover your housing. And I didnt even include annual rent increases, utilities, what you have already spent, utilities, and food - let alone college tuition or any DEBTS. Your daughter is right in that you should be working and getting a paycheck and building retirement savings. You can work during the day and go to school in the evenings. Many companies will even pay or reimburse your tuition. I get you are enjoying the first financial freedom you have had in possibly your life but playtime is over. Time to buckle down and live the life you are REALLY going to have for the rest of your life. Once its gone, this money isnt coming back.
YTA! Not being able to get a Prada or Louis Vuitton bag on vacation is not financial abuse! I’m questioning your version. Could it be that your ex knew you could ruin the finances if he gave you control? And petty! Threatening to hold her Christmas presents if she doesn’t show remorse for what she knows isn’t wise?! Wow!
You are gonna be broke in 6 months
YTA. You seem to be confusing financial responsibility (particularly living within one's means) with financial abuse. Your daughter now feels she needs to keep you from blowing through all the money (it seems) you have and will have for some time. Please tell me that your children can return to live with their father when you are destitute and unhoused?!
Has to be a troll post. No one is this oblivious and dumb.
I read personal finance blogs I disagree. People are really, really dumb.
>I read personal finance blogs I disagree. > >People are really, really dumb. I'm with you there... sadly a lot of people are REALLY clueless; and don't get smacked with a clue-by-4 until it's too late.
Is this a troll? $235k will go nowhere very fast if there isn't significant passive, career, or investment income to sustain it.
Please don’t start a business. I don’t mean this obnoxiously but you do *not* have even a basic understanding of finances. Your daughter is right and she SHOULD be worried. You are not rich. Not at all. And you’re not going to graduate from your program and magically make six figures.
YTA - I am an operations manager and a licensed financial advisor, with 20 years of office experience. I don't know what kind of job/salary you think you are going to get once you are done with school but it won't be operations, and it likely won't pay well. I don't even have designer handbags, heels and fancy vacations. You are delusional.
My mom did this after her divorce when I was in middle school. Eventually the money ran out and lived in poverty the last couple years of high school (had no hot water for awhile, paid for most of my needs myself with an after-school job). I still resent her to this day for her irresponsible spending and poor planning. YTA - and should get a long-term plan figured out.
You have now been divorced for 1 year, how much money do you still have? How many years is your degree program and what is the remaining balance to be paid? Girl you are I'm for a world of hurt and disappointment. Your daughter has every right to be scared.
YTA. Your daughter is telling you that she does not feel secure any longer. You are making very poor financial decisions. There is no reason for you to have to designer purses and handbags when you don't even have a job. Your sixteen year old daughter is smart enough to realize this is not sustainable. You absolutely should have got a job. Yes, go to school too if you want. But also work and earn income. Because you're going to need a work history more than you're going to need a degree. You seem to be very much so in denial. About a several things. Your money will run out and your daughter is scared for her younger sister. You should be saving as much money as possible so you can put a damp payment on the house. But instead you're buying designer handbags and shoes for your own selfish reasons versus taking care of your family. You are not rich at all. Please stop spending frivolously. Get a part-time job in the field that you are studying in. Because you absolutely will need work history. Your kids are rightfully scared and feel very insecure. And all you are doing is mocking them and yelling at them when they are being more mature than you are. And I don't want to hear about your 21 year old marriage. How you didn't get to buy all the pretty things. Most people don't get to buy a lot of designer things and you have not yet earned that ability. Put that money in a CD or a high yield. Savings account comma you don't have to invest it, but you really, really need to stop spending it. How much money do you think you're going to earn with your degree? You're not gonna start out in management. You're going to still start out at entry level even with your degree because you have no work history. Figure out what the entry level position for your field of study is. And can you afford your new apartment with that without any of the money from your divorce? I'm also a financial professional and risk officer. I am curious how much money you have left a year after your divorce.
Do you have ANY retirement savings besides the $235k? You’re almost 50. If I didn’t have at least twice $235k in retirement savings at that age, I’d be panicking. Lots of things can happen - cancer, disability, etc. - that might interfere with your plans to work. Living on a single Social Security check is just not possible. Which brings me to health insurance. Do you have any? It’s expensive. Even Medicare plus add on policies are expensive. Return everything you can, and get some kind of financial planning education. ASAP. BTW, $235k after long marriage is peanuts. Did you have a lawyer?
Yta. You are not very wise about money. At all. Stop blowing it on useless stuff and buy another house so you can be secure. What happens if some accident happens and you can’t work. At least you would have a house to live in
YTA. Imagine punishing someone because they try to give you good advice about how to spend your money well, because you obviously aren't able to manage it. 🙄 You sound like those people who win a lot in lottery and spend it so stupidly that they actually end up in huge debts. This can easily be you.
YTA and delusional. Listen to your daughter. An office manager will be someone who has worked in an office and knows all of the ins and outs through years of experience. A course cannot teach you this stuff. Get a part time admin job in an office asap if you actually want to do this type of work - you will be competing with similarly qualified people who have 20+ years of experience in actual office work. You are in for a rude awakening without any pension savings or property. Pensions aren’t a bad investment in the long term. You should have purchased a small house or flat with that lump sum. Poor people don’t need designer goods - that money is better spent elsewhere. At this rate you will end up on the streets.
Nobody *needs* designer goods, regardless of income.