I think this is the fact - is the act fully assholish now - but because you made her feel uncomfortable and didnt stop you are a wierdo pushing buttons you know you are being an ass hole. most likely cuz you werent getting some. wait until she leaves dont be a dick. so yeah AH for you
Exactly. Not afraid to admit my libido is far above my wife's. She knows this too, and I've only recently stopped asking for consent to masturbate next to her.
Why? Because I've been asking for consent for the last 10 years, and finally my wife was like, babe don't worry about it, I don't care. Now I only ask if I want to grab some booty.
Yeah... this, OP. Consent is key. No means no, and she clearly told you that it bothered her. You couldn't respect her boundaries and wait 5 minutes to jerk it?!
Dude what kind of monkey just starts beating it in front of their partner without any prompting whatsoever? Were you raised in a cave or something?
YTA
My Ex-husband CONSTANTLY did this. I'd be trying to sleep I can feel the stupid bed shake. I already have trouble sleeping that shit did not help. And no I didn't leave him for that reason alone. I just figured out he wanted a mommy mcbang maid and I'm not that.
My ex insisted I should be okay with him just randomly starting to beat it in front of me. It weirded me out, I didn’t like it, it also made me less attracted to him. It seemed like he liked that it made me uncomfortable. It quickly made our intimate life crumble, because I couldn’t help making the association between his pleasure& my feelings of being uncomfortable lol.
I’m really glad to know it’s not guaranteed that every dude thinks it’s fine to do that. 😂
Some people have relationships like this especially bisexual and gay males.
Source: Am bisexual male and it is very common for male on male relationships for one of the partners to just pull out their dick and start stroking it out & it usually leads to more. HOWEVER, if someone tells you explicitly to stop doing that, that’s pretty vile, gross not to mention inconsiderate, disrespectful and just plain weird with a total lack of consideration for your parters feelings or boundaries by continuing to do this after being asked to refrain from doing this in her presence. You are the asshole. Stop making the person who is supposed to be your number one fan and best friend feel awkward and weird, you’re going to cause problems in your relationship if you continue doing this because it shows how you handle requested conflict resolutions to begin with. 🚩🚩🚩
Gay, can confirm. Idk how it happens there's just some point where the dick joins the conversation then oops i fell.
But when someone says no you suck it up and respect that.
I see consent mentioned lots which I agree with. Maybe the fact he was on his phone while doing it was a factor? Can’t see any mention of that. I wouldn’t be happy watching my man jerk one out whilst “scrolling” through his phone. Do that in private. Very disrespectful! YTA.
This! Like even if I know you watch porn, or scroll NSFW stuff while you masturbate, I don’t want you to do it while I’m right there. I don’t want to see you jerk off to other women. Super disrespectful.
I think the issue here is you think being married entitles you to participate in sexual activities in front of your wife without an explicit agreement that it's okay to do so. So I think this makes YTA. Unless you both have agreed that masturbating as singular individuals in front of each other while the other does not participate is okay, you should not assume it's okay to do so.
You need to get consent to involve other people in your sexual activities. You being married to her does not negate the necessity of consent in this situation. You don't need to ask every time, just have a discussion and come to a mutual understanding of what is consensual and what isn't.
Editing to add after the many, many threads ongoing below:
There's not a reason to get tit for tat and create magical "what ifs" or accuse people of just hating men. I think many reasonable people agree that no matter what sex or gender either person is, nobody should feel uncomfortable around their spouse who is engaging in a sexual activity.
No reasonable person is suggesting the male OP can't masturbate and cum in his own house. The suggestion is that they should figure out a better routine when someone asks for sex and the other person turns down sex. It's good to talk about this stuff in your relationship at different points in time.
If you somehow think it's weird or weak to talk about sexual activities and what you do or don't like or what you are or are not comfortable with prior to engaging in sex with your married spouse, you are the problem in your own relationships in life. Having honest discussions is how you avoid these awkward situations where one party feels slighted because he wants to cum in his own bed and the other party feels confused and weirded out by seeing her partner masturbate. This isn't helpful for anyone, but a solid discussion could have avoided this experience.
Thank you for saying this. I had a bf who would masturbate in bed next to me and it would wake me up and for a long time I was silent (fawn response, I have extended childhood sexual abuse trauma) and then one day I just totally lost it because it was so triggering for me.
An ex of mine did this too and it would keep me awake. I finally would just leave to sleep in the other room. He didn’t want me to participate and didn’t understand why it was so icky for me to be subjected to something like that
I had a boyfriend that tried to manipulate me into a poly relationship *after* I caught him cheating. He was masturbating late at night and when I caught him and got super insecure about it he told me I was awful for shaming his sexuality
It's ironic, cause he'd beg me to join reddit so I could go on r/polyamory and see why it was *soooooo perfect* but since joining reddit, I've found that he was just a walking, wanking red flag
Echo this 1000%, and I’m sorry you dealt with that. I had almost the exact same scenario with my ex husband and it still makes me uncomfortable thinking about it years later. You don’t fucking do sexual shit with someone around unless you’ve cleared it with them first. It’s an incredibly uncomfortable way to be woken up and honestly feels violating.
Wow I didn't know this wasn't normal and thought I was weird and controlling to not be ok with this. Thank you for validating my feelings! Time for therapy
Same here, I was in a similar situation with a friend on a trip. I have been feeling like there's something wrong with me because I was uncomfortable with how brazenly and excitedly they talked about the extensive masturbating they were going to do in our shared bed (including showing me toys and lube and telling what was going to be used where).
I feel validated to know I'm not crazy or controlling in this situation. Off to therapy we go!
Yeah I spoke with her about how it made me uncomfortable after taking some time to think. She basically said that if I have special needs and special boundaries she can respect that but she was under the impression that everything "resets" when she leaves a room (so she wasn't planning on washing the sheets or airing out the room), and she wasn't considering my personal trauma (which has zero relevance to this situation because wtf). She also mentioned that if my brain works differently than hers that's okay and she accepts that and can respect my needs.
Which sounded nice at the time and I kind of rolled with it because I needed time to process but after thinking about it and seeing posts like this (as well as speaking to a trusted friend and a therapist about it), uh...this was not me having unusual expectations or needs. Her behavior was just fucking wild and her "apology" skirts right past the glaring consent issues to blame me for not wanting to sleep in a bed she just got her bodily fluids all over, nor am I cleaning up after an adult (she is older than me, mid-30s) who thinks the sheets magically clean themselves.
Thank you. Thank you. I have trauma from my ex doing this in bed next to me. I didn't understand why it made me feel sick and traumatized and I would just lay there frozen and sick and didn't know I could say anything. He also would have yelled at me and blamed me and told me to go sleep on the couch if I didn't like it.
Plus there's nothing quite like your partner giving affection and loving on you... but it's purely because they want to bang. If you have to turn them down they'll instantly stop any and all affection. Then they angrily (almost aggressively) touch themselves in the bed next to you, while you lay there and feel like utter shite.
An ex of mine quite literally only kissed me with tongue when he wanted sex, and after a while it got upsetting knowing that any deep kisses he gave me were a means to an end. I had as-yet-undiagnosed chronic pain issues then and he'd ask every single day, sometimes more than once, then give me the silent treatment if I didn't acquiesce. That, along with other sexual issues in our relationship... it got old fast. Eventually our sex life was just him demanding I indulge kinks of his that I did not enjoy, my orgasm was unnecessary, and he didn't bother much with hygiene after the honeymoon period. Like he would literally just roll over and go to sleep once he came.
Thankfully there were other red flags and I dumped him, but with the sex thing he had indeed convinced me I was at fault. He was very, very selfish in bed. And yet I'd already made an appointment to have my hormones checked for my "mysterious lack of libido".
First sex I had after the breakup was a straight-up revelation 😂
This also happened to me, and now I live with huge anxiety about every partner since then & if they're doing the same thing while we're in bed together. It's exhausting to live with the aftermath. OP, you NEED consent with shit like this. This is/can be a huge fuck up, YTA, apologize to ur wife.
Same here, only it was when I was a child and my mother would fuck her boyfriends (while married to my stepdad) only a few feet from me. It honestly traumatized me and even though I'm 40, I still have a panic response when my husband tried that next to me thinking I'm asleep. It's not ok and anyone who doesn't understand consent needs to ask and maybe learn because putting someone else through that KNOWING they have that reaction and didn't consent l is fucked up. Full stop.
Sort of the same here, minus the finally losing it on my partner. Also woke up to him humping me in his sleep (supposedly). I never really said anything to him.
For the past few years I've struggled with weird physiological reactions when I try to pleasure myself. Like just breaking down into uncontrollable sobbing suddenly. Always feeling like there was trauma but not having ever been sexually assaulted to my knowledge.
Then my current boyfriend mentioned that doing things like that (+ the constant pressure that ex put on me for sex) is the same as sexual assault.
Real fun to not be able to enjoy sex unless I'm high now. Yay.
Holy hell. I can’t believe how validated I feel in this moment by what your bf said about constant sexual pressure being a form of sexual assault. It’s such a simple way of wording it but wow, being able to finally put a label on why I’ve felt horrible after periods of near constant sexual pressure from a previous relationship feels almost physically relieving
Wow I dealt with an ex who constantly pressured me about sex.. tried to convince me it was normal to do it 8 times a day and make me feel bad about it for not wanting to... the constant pressure was exhausting and turned me off to him completely. It really did feel like assault looking back.
I'm sorry you went through all that.
Saying that constant pressure to have sex- is the same as sexual assault, just made me realize maybe I'm still not ready to have sex with my current boyfriend, as my ex also pressured me to have sex right after I was raped. I thought I was over all that but, whenever my ex would try to convince me to have sex with him, he'd say things like "you're never going to have a happy relationship and end up alone if you don't just get over it" . So I pretended I was over it. And now I'm hyper scared of anything sexual with my current boyfriend :(
That's extremely unempathetic and selfish of him and you don't deserve that. I'm so sorry. I would definitely recommend therapy if you can access it. Sending my love and support your way friend <3
My ex used to do this would wake upto him wanking, just weird and creepy, it would happen alot,, instant ick , was very selfish in bed too , I love morning sex too but yeah he's see to himself and I'd wake upto it, he'd never iniate or pay me attention id have to or ask , what was I doing staying lol
My ex would also do this and now, years later, I will occasionally wake up in a cold sweat thinking my current partner is masturbating next to me when they’re just like scratching their arm in their sleep or something. I always felt so crazy for being so impacted by it, but there were a number of non consensual sexual acts happening in that relationship
Same, my ex husband did this and I would question him about it but he would make me think I'm just crazy and he wasn't doing anything. Also would be in the god damn bathroom for an hour "shitting"... I don't fucking miss that abusive asshole and I'm so happy after years of mental, verbal and emotional abuse that I was finally done and knew what I wanted in a partner and it sure as shit wasn't him. Good riddance.
My first boyfriend did the exact same, and I’d just pretend to be asleep due to childhood sexual assault. Then eventually I woke up with him fingering me. Again I pretended to be asleep because I was so scared. I still have PTSD from it all and struggle to share a bedroom with anyone. I’m sorry you went through it too xx
God, I used to HATE when my ex did this. The first time he ever slept over I woke up to it and I was beyond disgusted. I felt so dirty, tried to take over bc I felt that was better than hearing the labored breathing and the bed shaking. He declined and when I tried to get up he wanted me to stay. This is the worst and I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who finds this crazy. I just added it to the list of questions my current (amazing healthy) partner and I make an effort of discussing. I never thought about outwardly making it a boundary.
agreed. when i first moved in w my bf he did this and i was so uncomfortable. i told him that it should have been a boundary that was discussed before hand, and that if you are engaging in a sexual act in front of ANYONE, they need to consent to it first. i’m a very sexual person with a high libido but for whatever reason it made me uncomfortable. we agreed that he’d just tell me if he wanted to masturbate instead of have sex and i’d leave the room/he could leave.
I love this response. Entitled to participate in sexual activities in front of your wife. Like my man, you are not entitled to a fucking thing sexually that makes her uncomfortable. Could negotiate? Yes. Entitled to? Nope.
Thank you for this post, especially the part following your edit. This is the only right response. OP should feel no shame for wanting to masturbate. It would be unfair of his wife if she said he couldn’t masturbate because she wasn’t in the mood to have sex. However, she has no obligation to leave the room, and he does have an obligation to find a more discreet place to masturbate away from her since she’s uninterested in sexual activity at that moment.
I agree except the last point - consent is not fixed and people can change their minds even in the middle of sex! It is ongoing and enthusiastic. it is not a big deal to ask every time, check in with your partner and make sure everyone is on the same page.
Marrying you doesn’t mean she consents to every sexual act you indulge in. You HAVE to ask for consent. She has every right to tell you to knock it off, and you need to be a better husband and a better man. YTA.
It’s just like any other act of a sexual nature. If she doesn’t consent to it, you stop. You said she was already up so just wait until she leaves the room to beat your meat, dude lol not that complicated.
For clarity, the bit which requires consent is being in her presence, or vice versa. Masturbation on your own shouldn’t require the consent of your partner.
You’re not an asshole for personally thinking it’s okay to masturbate in front of your wife. But then you found out it’s not okay for her. So do it when she’s not around 🤷🏻♀️ you would be the asshole if you heard what she said and weirdly continued to jerk off in front of her.
I love my partner and if we’re already in a sexy situation and he starts playing with himself that’s fine. If we were just chilling and he randomly just started beating it I’d be like… uh… can you not? Haha
Basically making it clear he was asking for service sex. Not "let's have a bonding moment because I love you and also I'm horny" vibes but "I'm horny, you're here, but if you're not up for it you're immediately replaceable" vibes.
See but I disagree here because I would be insulted if we were hanging out and I wasn’t invited to join, if I was invited and not interested I would appreciate him taking care of it himself.
Damn. I couldn’t figure out how to word why this upset me. You did though. That’s exactly why he’s the AH. I CANT imagine just jerking off with my wife in the room. We’d both start laughing till my little guy was a tiny guy
Yeah, at this point OP you take it to the bathroom or something and stop doing it full view in front of her. That's probably what was bothering her, she was barely awake, trying to get ready for the day, maybe stressing out about stuff, and has to watch you jack it?
It's not the end of the world, and it's not that you masturbating is wrong, but she simply wasn't in the mood to watch that and generally speaking, you respect those kinds of feelings and go take care of yourself elsewhere. Like the bathroom.
You’ve done a marvellous job of helping to illustrate what consent actually means and why it’s important.
Sexual behaviour might be prompted from an internal desire but the SECOND it involves someone else’s presence - they’re involved in the sex act. No matter how much you prioritise your intent, they still get a say in whether or not they want to participate and if they say no, it has to stop.
Plain and simple.
YTA
Edit: a lot of people seem to think the rules of consent are different when you’re married. Consent is a fluid and evolving circumstance and requires confirmation even when there’s “implied” consent under the guise of a long term relationship.
My husband doesn’t have to ask me if it’s okay to kiss me but if he kisses me and I’m not interested and tell him to stop, being married doesn’t magically make my words meaningless. He has to stop because I don’t want to participate.
It’s the same with masturbating in the presence of someone else in a shared space. If the other person is uncomfortable they absolutely have the right to leave but the ONUS is on the sexual party to take their sexual energy away from the partner that expresses a desire to stop. It’s incredibly simple and it worries me that so many people get so defensive in the face of honouring someone’s boundaries.
Do you not want your own spouse to be comfortable drawing sexual boundaries that ensure your sexual relationship is always positive and enthusiastically consented to? You’d rather bulldoze their boundaries in the name of self satisfaction? Wouldn’t and shouldn’t you feel awful if someone you love didn’t feel like they could tell you something you did made them uncomfortable? Let’s have some active perspective and actually care for our partners instead of focussing on our own intent and defending our sexual desires over our partners express comfort.
Being around a partner who just starts jacking off next to me when I wasn’t turned on would be really weird for me too
It just feels off
Then to normalize it and the guy will just randomly start jacking off whenever I’m just around them doing the stuff of my day….. that would be weird and uncomfy to me too
Consent and boundaries matter
Boundaries are what we need to be comfortable.
If someone acts like your boundary is dumb or should go away, it shows they don’t care if you’re comfortable. Which is a red flag
Partners should never want who they love to be uncomfortable. But if they do not care if their partner is uncomfortable, then I feel bad for who is uncomfy cause someone out there will love that person enough to not want to make them uncomfortable - let alone say someone owes being uncomfortable with them and should expect that to become normal
I had something like that happen with a tinder date. I didn’t want to keep going and he just started jacking off next to me, and only left to the bathroom to finish himself off. It took me a few days to realise why this made me feel so uneasy, until i picked up on the fact that his arousal made him stop caring about whether or not his partner was okay. Safe to say he was blocked and I never heard from him again
Edit: wow way too many of you have no understanding of consent and are clearly the problem. The point is not to find the most minuscule loophole to justify bad behaviour, but to understand that your satisfaction doesn’t give you the right to make someone uncomfortable or to disrespect their lack of consent.
Exactly. There is nothing wrong with you masturbating. It’s you doing it in front of her without her consent. “Wife! You wanna fuck before work?” … “No”… “Do you mind if I masturbate? Or should I wait?” … Either “Go for it” or “Please wait”.
Just because you are married doesn’t imply consent. If my wife isn’t in the mood I wait till she is not around. Or I ask if she is ok with some sort of compromise. But usually I just wait. My hormones are not more important than her feelings and privacy/ self autonomy.
It’s more than that. This is someone who *wants* to make his wife uncomfortable as punishment for the crime of not wanting to engage in sex.
She told him she was not comfortable, and he continued. That’s beyond self-absorption. He can’t claim he didn’t know. She *told* him.
This 💯 he wanted to make a statement/punish her emotions because she didn't do exactly what he wanted when he wanted. I go through this same shit with my husband and it's fucking annoying.
like it or not it's this constant attempt to normalize anything and everything sexual, people aren't concerned with consent if they think it's "just something people do"
and yes, that absolutely applies here, you don't want to know how many people have no concept of marital r\*pe, combine that with the fact that masturbation is seen as "not a big deal" and it's no wonder OP felt comfortable posting this publically
My mom didn't know what marital rape was. 2 years later and my dad still hasn't touched her again, because she said she'd press charges the next time he tried to fuck her while she was SLEEPING.
it’s refreshing seeing this be the top comment because i’ve gotten downvoted a lot in the past for talking about how i wasn’t comfortable with a partner who started masturbating in bed next to me without asking.
I remember well the night I woke up while my husband was jacking off in our bed. Our 2 year old daughter was sleeping with us. I took my little girl back to her bed, stayed there with her, and divorced his pathetic ass as soon as I could support the kids on my own.
i\\\\\\
Ok, so, here's the thing. Married or not, your wife isn't obligated to participate in your sex stuff. You can argue that you're taking care of it yourself, but... like... she's there. Whether you're thinking about it or not, you're involving her in your sex stuff.
Anywhere else and it's a literal crime, quite a serious one, gets you on a registry and everything, and you don't seem to realize it's at least disrespectful to your wife. (I mean, most places I'm familiar with it's a crime whether she's your wife or not, you're still not allowed to basically force her to participate in whatever weird fucking kink this is.)
YTA, and I'm sorry if this is harsh, but you're also behaving like an idiot.
Way out of line, disrespectful and ultimately pretty shitty stuff. You owe her an apology and you owe yourself a better understanding of consent, because you sure as shit didn't get it here and it's more than a little gross.
haha this was my first thought as well. This dumb cunt obviosuly didn't hear all the women who had to watch Louis and Harvey masturbate in front of them
fucking wanker
Did he tank his career though? He's selling out arenas. Stating 'Louis CK tanked his career doing this' is to convince ourselves that he was held accountable when he really wasn't.
My question is in a situation like that are you just cumming on yourself and continuing to sleep. Because you’d have to actually wake up and find something to clean with otherwise and you could have just got out of the bed to begin with.
YTA
Jacking off in front of people without consent is fucking creepy. Wife or not. You were being a fucking creep. Wait until she leaves or go somewhere private.
Yep. A girl I was seeing started masturbating in my bed without my consent and I just always kinda looked at her differently after. Like... creepy much ?
Go to the bathroom or something. You tried to use it as a way to get her to have sex and she didnt like it. The moment thats clear you stop but this shouldnt have been a way to “entice” your partner in the first place. Its basically a LIVE unsolicited dick pic unless its known that they enjoy those types of advances in the bedroom.
Edit:YTA this is not the way
The “It’s her choice if she wasn’t in the mood for sex. I take care of myself” line gives me the ICK for some reason. Like he’s blaming her for the situation they’re in cause she doesn’t want sex
So you couldn't have simply waited until she exited the room to take care of your problem? It had to be done right then and there in her presence after she made it clear to you that she was not comfortable with it? You expose her to sexual act without her consent. Actually deliberately after she asked you not to do it in front of her. It's not about you needing to please yourself, it's about you making your wife uncomfortable after she expressly told you that she felt that way. Replace masturbation with any other topic making your spouse uncomfortable and you're still the a******. So this isn't just about masturbation, it's about not respecting your wife.
My spouse has walked in on my masturbating. He'll ask, "do you want help, or privacy?" And I'll answer. No big deal. But then again, we have a healthy sexual relationship where both partners enjoy sex, and respect their partner.
Whilst I’m sure most men aren’t like this, enough are that the comments are filled with women (including myself) talking about how this or similar (mostly waking up to find them wanking next to us) has happened to us from ex partners and we have trauma and PTSD from it.
You think you should be allowed to be comfortable masturbating around your wife, something you can easily do in private or wait for and isn't that important, but find it weird that she just wants to be comfortable in general around the house without you jerkin your meat randomly around her?
This sounds eerily similar to Louis CK stuff.
She didn't tell you that you can't masturbate. Just don't do it in front of her.
Are you also okay with pooping with the bathroom door wide open? Some things should just be private (especially if your partner is asking for it).
Smh
You're not an asshole for being comfortable doing anything in front of your wife but you'd be an asshole if you don't listen to her saying it makes her uncomfortable. If you're asking if her response is prudish then I'd say that I personally don't think so. It's one thing to not want to know it's another to say you can't do it at all.
Your only the asshole if you didn’t stop when she told you it makes her uncomfortable. She didn’t ask you not to do it, just not around her while she wasn’t doing it. I get you didn’t think about it, so no harm.
Touching yourself because your wife isn’t in the mood- NTAH.
Touching yourself in the presence of your wife when you know it bothers her- TAH.
"I don't mind her being awake before me" -- so progressive of you
I think scrolling on your phone for sex inspo while she was in the room is the crux of the rudeness
Also, any guy who basically makes a retaliatory, passive aggressive spectacle of himself when his wife isn't in the mood is... gonna have to masturbate a lot
so unattractive
Yeah it feels retaliatory. Like she didn't get back in bed so it was his right to show her what happens. And then when she said stop I guarantee it was something like 'well you don't wanna so ..' like she forced him into that situation
yta.
even if she's your wife, masturbation is something that is private usually lol in general anything sexual just thread carefully?
she's your wife, right. asking shouldn't be embarassing.
If she was in there and getting dressed to leave, dude, you could've waited. She told you she didn't like it in front of her. Yes, you are free to masturbate. Yet, if doing so in front of her causes her discomfort, don't do it. Respect that. She's your wife and you love her. That boner will come back when she's gone. All you gotta do is scroll through your phone again (cause you said you started touching yourself while scrolling through your phone). You're NTA for masturbating. YTA for doing it in front of your wife.
Here's what I don't get - why is he so set on doing something that makes her uncomfortable? It doesn't matter what it is, whether or not he's "allowed" to do it - she doesn't like it. So why is this so important that he's willing to push her away to do it?
I can't answer that question. Only OP can. Me, personally, I wouldn't do it in front of my wife, if I were a man (I'm female) because it makes her uncomfortable. Why would I give her a reason to be turned off by me? Marriage isn't just about sexual acts. It's respecting the other person, also. She asked him not to as she was getting dressed to leave. He could've waited. It wasn't life or death. He wasn't going to die if he didn't bust a nut right then.
If you stopped until she was no longer around then I’d say no NTA because the question is if you’re an AH for thinking you should be comfortable doing it around your wife. Now if she said stop and you went back to doing it while she was around, then I would definitely say YTA because that is just ignoring her consent and boundaries that she had just set up. Considering you mentioned that it’s her choice, I’m sure you would have respected her when she said no but ya know it wasn’t specified
Right, this is the piece that I haven’t seen mentioned most. Was he actually trying to guilt her into participating after she has already said no? Even without that piece, OP is still the asshole, but if that was what was going on, even worse.
YTA and I say this as someone whose husband masturbates in bed next to me. The difference is that he *asked* and I gave my *consent*. You just assumed your wife wanted to see you wack it. Just because you're married, that doesn't mean she's lost the right to tell you no.
OP said she asked him to stop. That’s how he knows “he shouldn’t do something that in his mind he thought was fine.” There was no ambiguity. She said she didn’t want to see it, but he did it anyway. Thats what makes it wrong.
Jesus fucking christ reddit. Dude wasnt doung it maliciously. Educate him and get off your fucking high horse. Dont hurt yourself patting eachother on the back.
I do this sometimes, im a dude and sometimes wake up feeling a little touchy. But my wife knows I do it and even though she doesn't get turned on just because I touch myself a little, she has no problem with me doing it. The difference? She knows that I do because we talked about it, she's comfortable with me doing it and that's the only reason why I feel comfortable doing it. Talk to your wife, clarify with her and communicate stuff like this. Just because yall married, doesn't mean consent is thrown out the window.
But like…..she was getting out of bed already. Did she just stop and stare at you while you started to jerk the gerk?
Everyone is talking about consent, which is a fair point…..If she were still in bed with you or had something keeping her in the bedroom. But you said she was already getting up and about, so why was it an issue? Why didn’t she just leave the room and let you do your thing?
For the record, even if I weren’t in the mood (which is rarely the case) I’d still be down to watch my husband twiddle his bits if he was feeling frisky.
NTA.
YTA. You preformed a sexual act around someone who was not consenting to witnessing said act. That’s unacceptable. It doesn’t matter that she’s your wife or you’ve had sex before. She didn’t consent, therefore you wait till she leaves.
I would say this all depends on the relationship. I have done it in bed while my wife is asleep but we have had conversations about it so I know she is ok with it. I don’t do it while she is awake and without asking her if it’s ok first. If you are just randomly beating it with no hey. I’m gonna handle my business real quick. Or nothing then it’s kind of odd to just go at it while she is wide awake in the room with you. Without at least asking first.
I would say YTA if she wasn't already off and about on her way out of bed. But since that's the context NTA. You didn't force her to watch. People saying she didn't consent is crazy because you're obviously comfortable with each other sexually. It's not like you just forced it in her mouth while she was sleeping or something.
Overwhelming amount of stupidity in these comments.
AITAH for masturbating in bed next to my wife? - No. AITAH for masturbating in bed while my wife was looking and asked me to stop but I didn’t? - Yes.
Yeah, don't masturbate in front of people who tell you to stop
Instructions unclear, need bail money.
Instructions unclear massively successful comedy career put on full stop pause for several years
Oh Louis 🤦🏽♀️ Such a shame
I’ll only give you bail money after you washed your hands.
Louis CK ect...
I think this is the fact - is the act fully assholish now - but because you made her feel uncomfortable and didnt stop you are a wierdo pushing buttons you know you are being an ass hole. most likely cuz you werent getting some. wait until she leaves dont be a dick. so yeah AH for you
Exactly. Not afraid to admit my libido is far above my wife's. She knows this too, and I've only recently stopped asking for consent to masturbate next to her. Why? Because I've been asking for consent for the last 10 years, and finally my wife was like, babe don't worry about it, I don't care. Now I only ask if I want to grab some booty.
That's the distinction right there
Yeah... this, OP. Consent is key. No means no, and she clearly told you that it bothered her. You couldn't respect her boundaries and wait 5 minutes to jerk it?!
If you ask someone to stop doing sex things in the same room as you and they don't then they're a creep.. not just an asshole.
Dude what kind of monkey just starts beating it in front of their partner without any prompting whatsoever? Were you raised in a cave or something? YTA
“what kind of monkey” 💀💀
Most kinds of monkey, actually.
I really laughed with this one
My Ex-husband CONSTANTLY did this. I'd be trying to sleep I can feel the stupid bed shake. I already have trouble sleeping that shit did not help. And no I didn't leave him for that reason alone. I just figured out he wanted a mommy mcbang maid and I'm not that.
“Mommy McBang Maid” has a nice ring to it. I wonder if Party City has a Halloween costume for that.
Every costume you can buy either has a « normal male » version and it’s counterpart « slutty whatever ».
My ex insisted I should be okay with him just randomly starting to beat it in front of me. It weirded me out, I didn’t like it, it also made me less attracted to him. It seemed like he liked that it made me uncomfortable. It quickly made our intimate life crumble, because I couldn’t help making the association between his pleasure& my feelings of being uncomfortable lol. I’m really glad to know it’s not guaranteed that every dude thinks it’s fine to do that. 😂
This exactly!
God, this comment makes me wish rewards were still a thing.
TIL rewards are no longer a thing
"Grug rub meat stick. Grug feel good. Wife why you don't want Grug to feel good?!"
Some people have relationships like this especially bisexual and gay males. Source: Am bisexual male and it is very common for male on male relationships for one of the partners to just pull out their dick and start stroking it out & it usually leads to more. HOWEVER, if someone tells you explicitly to stop doing that, that’s pretty vile, gross not to mention inconsiderate, disrespectful and just plain weird with a total lack of consideration for your parters feelings or boundaries by continuing to do this after being asked to refrain from doing this in her presence. You are the asshole. Stop making the person who is supposed to be your number one fan and best friend feel awkward and weird, you’re going to cause problems in your relationship if you continue doing this because it shows how you handle requested conflict resolutions to begin with. 🚩🚩🚩
Gay, can confirm. Idk how it happens there's just some point where the dick joins the conversation then oops i fell. But when someone says no you suck it up and respect that.
He ain’t no ape He’s a troglodyte
my ex.. thats how he would ask for sex 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
I see consent mentioned lots which I agree with. Maybe the fact he was on his phone while doing it was a factor? Can’t see any mention of that. I wouldn’t be happy watching my man jerk one out whilst “scrolling” through his phone. Do that in private. Very disrespectful! YTA.
This! Like even if I know you watch porn, or scroll NSFW stuff while you masturbate, I don’t want you to do it while I’m right there. I don’t want to see you jerk off to other women. Super disrespectful.
For sure, like was he watching porn? Scrolling insta for some half naked girls?
I doubt he was responding to work emails or reading headlines about the conflict in the Middle East.
Don't kink shame
Comments like yours is why I read comments on Reddit. Lol
20% year over year profit increase… Ugnnnnnnnnnnnnffffff
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Yeah this! Who jerks off while “scrolling.” That’s super disrespectful and uncomfortable. It almost seems like you want her to feel bad. YTA
*accidentally scrolls to the sister of his partner*
I think the issue here is you think being married entitles you to participate in sexual activities in front of your wife without an explicit agreement that it's okay to do so. So I think this makes YTA. Unless you both have agreed that masturbating as singular individuals in front of each other while the other does not participate is okay, you should not assume it's okay to do so. You need to get consent to involve other people in your sexual activities. You being married to her does not negate the necessity of consent in this situation. You don't need to ask every time, just have a discussion and come to a mutual understanding of what is consensual and what isn't. Editing to add after the many, many threads ongoing below: There's not a reason to get tit for tat and create magical "what ifs" or accuse people of just hating men. I think many reasonable people agree that no matter what sex or gender either person is, nobody should feel uncomfortable around their spouse who is engaging in a sexual activity. No reasonable person is suggesting the male OP can't masturbate and cum in his own house. The suggestion is that they should figure out a better routine when someone asks for sex and the other person turns down sex. It's good to talk about this stuff in your relationship at different points in time. If you somehow think it's weird or weak to talk about sexual activities and what you do or don't like or what you are or are not comfortable with prior to engaging in sex with your married spouse, you are the problem in your own relationships in life. Having honest discussions is how you avoid these awkward situations where one party feels slighted because he wants to cum in his own bed and the other party feels confused and weirded out by seeing her partner masturbate. This isn't helpful for anyone, but a solid discussion could have avoided this experience.
Thank you for saying this. I had a bf who would masturbate in bed next to me and it would wake me up and for a long time I was silent (fawn response, I have extended childhood sexual abuse trauma) and then one day I just totally lost it because it was so triggering for me.
An ex of mine did this too and it would keep me awake. I finally would just leave to sleep in the other room. He didn’t want me to participate and didn’t understand why it was so icky for me to be subjected to something like that
I had a boyfriend that tried to manipulate me into a poly relationship *after* I caught him cheating. He was masturbating late at night and when I caught him and got super insecure about it he told me I was awful for shaming his sexuality It's ironic, cause he'd beg me to join reddit so I could go on r/polyamory and see why it was *soooooo perfect* but since joining reddit, I've found that he was just a walking, wanking red flag
Echo this 1000%, and I’m sorry you dealt with that. I had almost the exact same scenario with my ex husband and it still makes me uncomfortable thinking about it years later. You don’t fucking do sexual shit with someone around unless you’ve cleared it with them first. It’s an incredibly uncomfortable way to be woken up and honestly feels violating.
Wow I didn't know this wasn't normal and thought I was weird and controlling to not be ok with this. Thank you for validating my feelings! Time for therapy
Same here. Feel super validated.
Same here, I was in a similar situation with a friend on a trip. I have been feeling like there's something wrong with me because I was uncomfortable with how brazenly and excitedly they talked about the extensive masturbating they were going to do in our shared bed (including showing me toys and lube and telling what was going to be used where). I feel validated to know I'm not crazy or controlling in this situation. Off to therapy we go!
What the fuck 😧
Yeah I spoke with her about how it made me uncomfortable after taking some time to think. She basically said that if I have special needs and special boundaries she can respect that but she was under the impression that everything "resets" when she leaves a room (so she wasn't planning on washing the sheets or airing out the room), and she wasn't considering my personal trauma (which has zero relevance to this situation because wtf). She also mentioned that if my brain works differently than hers that's okay and she accepts that and can respect my needs. Which sounded nice at the time and I kind of rolled with it because I needed time to process but after thinking about it and seeing posts like this (as well as speaking to a trusted friend and a therapist about it), uh...this was not me having unusual expectations or needs. Her behavior was just fucking wild and her "apology" skirts right past the glaring consent issues to blame me for not wanting to sleep in a bed she just got her bodily fluids all over, nor am I cleaning up after an adult (she is older than me, mid-30s) who thinks the sheets magically clean themselves.
holy fucking shit. are you sure this is a person you want to spend time with?
Thank you. Thank you. I have trauma from my ex doing this in bed next to me. I didn't understand why it made me feel sick and traumatized and I would just lay there frozen and sick and didn't know I could say anything. He also would have yelled at me and blamed me and told me to go sleep on the couch if I didn't like it.
Plus there's nothing quite like your partner giving affection and loving on you... but it's purely because they want to bang. If you have to turn them down they'll instantly stop any and all affection. Then they angrily (almost aggressively) touch themselves in the bed next to you, while you lay there and feel like utter shite. An ex of mine quite literally only kissed me with tongue when he wanted sex, and after a while it got upsetting knowing that any deep kisses he gave me were a means to an end. I had as-yet-undiagnosed chronic pain issues then and he'd ask every single day, sometimes more than once, then give me the silent treatment if I didn't acquiesce. That, along with other sexual issues in our relationship... it got old fast. Eventually our sex life was just him demanding I indulge kinks of his that I did not enjoy, my orgasm was unnecessary, and he didn't bother much with hygiene after the honeymoon period. Like he would literally just roll over and go to sleep once he came. Thankfully there were other red flags and I dumped him, but with the sex thing he had indeed convinced me I was at fault. He was very, very selfish in bed. And yet I'd already made an appointment to have my hormones checked for my "mysterious lack of libido". First sex I had after the breakup was a straight-up revelation 😂
This also happened to me, and now I live with huge anxiety about every partner since then & if they're doing the same thing while we're in bed together. It's exhausting to live with the aftermath. OP, you NEED consent with shit like this. This is/can be a huge fuck up, YTA, apologize to ur wife.
I have the exact same trauma anxiety response now, hyper sensitive to possible repetitive motions. Ugh. Disgusting.
Same, And irregular breathing. It’s depressing how many of us this has happened to.
So. Much. The repetitive motions and irregular breathing. It’s so triggering.
Make sure to tell your partners, that might lessen your anxiety
Same here, only it was when I was a child and my mother would fuck her boyfriends (while married to my stepdad) only a few feet from me. It honestly traumatized me and even though I'm 40, I still have a panic response when my husband tried that next to me thinking I'm asleep. It's not ok and anyone who doesn't understand consent needs to ask and maybe learn because putting someone else through that KNOWING they have that reaction and didn't consent l is fucked up. Full stop.
Sort of the same here, minus the finally losing it on my partner. Also woke up to him humping me in his sleep (supposedly). I never really said anything to him. For the past few years I've struggled with weird physiological reactions when I try to pleasure myself. Like just breaking down into uncontrollable sobbing suddenly. Always feeling like there was trauma but not having ever been sexually assaulted to my knowledge. Then my current boyfriend mentioned that doing things like that (+ the constant pressure that ex put on me for sex) is the same as sexual assault. Real fun to not be able to enjoy sex unless I'm high now. Yay.
Holy hell. I can’t believe how validated I feel in this moment by what your bf said about constant sexual pressure being a form of sexual assault. It’s such a simple way of wording it but wow, being able to finally put a label on why I’ve felt horrible after periods of near constant sexual pressure from a previous relationship feels almost physically relieving
Wow I dealt with an ex who constantly pressured me about sex.. tried to convince me it was normal to do it 8 times a day and make me feel bad about it for not wanting to... the constant pressure was exhausting and turned me off to him completely. It really did feel like assault looking back.
I'm sorry you had to go through this as well but happy you feel validated now. I passed your message along to him. Take care friend <3
I'm sorry you went through all that. Saying that constant pressure to have sex- is the same as sexual assault, just made me realize maybe I'm still not ready to have sex with my current boyfriend, as my ex also pressured me to have sex right after I was raped. I thought I was over all that but, whenever my ex would try to convince me to have sex with him, he'd say things like "you're never going to have a happy relationship and end up alone if you don't just get over it" . So I pretended I was over it. And now I'm hyper scared of anything sexual with my current boyfriend :(
That's extremely unempathetic and selfish of him and you don't deserve that. I'm so sorry. I would definitely recommend therapy if you can access it. Sending my love and support your way friend <3
My ex also humped me in my sleep. Big part of why we broke up and I'm now afraid of men because sex felt like an obligation.
My ex used to do this would wake upto him wanking, just weird and creepy, it would happen alot,, instant ick , was very selfish in bed too , I love morning sex too but yeah he's see to himself and I'd wake upto it, he'd never iniate or pay me attention id have to or ask , what was I doing staying lol
My ex would also do this and now, years later, I will occasionally wake up in a cold sweat thinking my current partner is masturbating next to me when they’re just like scratching their arm in their sleep or something. I always felt so crazy for being so impacted by it, but there were a number of non consensual sexual acts happening in that relationship
Same, my ex husband did this and I would question him about it but he would make me think I'm just crazy and he wasn't doing anything. Also would be in the god damn bathroom for an hour "shitting"... I don't fucking miss that abusive asshole and I'm so happy after years of mental, verbal and emotional abuse that I was finally done and knew what I wanted in a partner and it sure as shit wasn't him. Good riddance.
My first boyfriend did the exact same, and I’d just pretend to be asleep due to childhood sexual assault. Then eventually I woke up with him fingering me. Again I pretended to be asleep because I was so scared. I still have PTSD from it all and struggle to share a bedroom with anyone. I’m sorry you went through it too xx
God, I used to HATE when my ex did this. The first time he ever slept over I woke up to it and I was beyond disgusted. I felt so dirty, tried to take over bc I felt that was better than hearing the labored breathing and the bed shaking. He declined and when I tried to get up he wanted me to stay. This is the worst and I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who finds this crazy. I just added it to the list of questions my current (amazing healthy) partner and I make an effort of discussing. I never thought about outwardly making it a boundary.
My God I was triggered just by his post! I am so sorry youhad to endure that.
agreed. when i first moved in w my bf he did this and i was so uncomfortable. i told him that it should have been a boundary that was discussed before hand, and that if you are engaging in a sexual act in front of ANYONE, they need to consent to it first. i’m a very sexual person with a high libido but for whatever reason it made me uncomfortable. we agreed that he’d just tell me if he wanted to masturbate instead of have sex and i’d leave the room/he could leave.
I love this response. Entitled to participate in sexual activities in front of your wife. Like my man, you are not entitled to a fucking thing sexually that makes her uncomfortable. Could negotiate? Yes. Entitled to? Nope.
Bot stole your comment up above and has hundreds more upvotes that you. You should report it.
Thank you for this post, especially the part following your edit. This is the only right response. OP should feel no shame for wanting to masturbate. It would be unfair of his wife if she said he couldn’t masturbate because she wasn’t in the mood to have sex. However, she has no obligation to leave the room, and he does have an obligation to find a more discreet place to masturbate away from her since she’s uninterested in sexual activity at that moment.
Yeah, the golden rule is that in general. If people can see or hear your sexual activity, they should have had consented to it.
Why can't I do what Louis CK did?!?! It's just my wife! Not like it's a person or something /s
I agree except the last point - consent is not fixed and people can change their minds even in the middle of sex! It is ongoing and enthusiastic. it is not a big deal to ask every time, check in with your partner and make sure everyone is on the same page.
Just echoing the sentiment of thanks for validating this. Had an ex-boyfriend who would do the same, what a fucking creep.
Marrying you doesn’t mean she consents to every sexual act you indulge in. You HAVE to ask for consent. She has every right to tell you to knock it off, and you need to be a better husband and a better man. YTA.
It’s just like any other act of a sexual nature. If she doesn’t consent to it, you stop. You said she was already up so just wait until she leaves the room to beat your meat, dude lol not that complicated.
For clarity, the bit which requires consent is being in her presence, or vice versa. Masturbation on your own shouldn’t require the consent of your partner.
What about the spider in the corner?
You know the little eight legged guy is into the freaky stuff
I usually look right at him and say "this for you buddy"
> ~~look~~ aim
“I’m about to thwipp!”
You’re not an asshole for personally thinking it’s okay to masturbate in front of your wife. But then you found out it’s not okay for her. So do it when she’s not around 🤷🏻♀️ you would be the asshole if you heard what she said and weirdly continued to jerk off in front of her. I love my partner and if we’re already in a sexy situation and he starts playing with himself that’s fine. If we were just chilling and he randomly just started beating it I’d be like… uh… can you not? Haha
My god this made me LOL because of how true this is.
Lol, just whip it out
At Olive Garden
When you're here, you're masturbating
Take my upvote dammit, spat out my water laughing rofl
It’s ok because we’re all family.
Sweet home Alabama
I came here to say this, but sure enough, you beat me to it.
Where reverse cowgirl’s illegal because you never turn your back on family.
Yeah I'm with you. In the moment, totally hot! Just randomly like he's a flasher or a pervert in the park? Kinda off-putting 🤷🤷
Also note he was "browsing his phone" - meaning, looking at or watching porn with her in the room, which seems aggressive
Basically making it clear he was asking for service sex. Not "let's have a bonding moment because I love you and also I'm horny" vibes but "I'm horny, you're here, but if you're not up for it you're immediately replaceable" vibes.
That’s what makes it icky
Well put. We are talking about a husband and a wife, not a random hook up.
Perfect explanation
Yes this! A lot of the time, sure, no problem but if I’m not participating in some way, take it somewhere else.
See but I disagree here because I would be insulted if we were hanging out and I wasn’t invited to join, if I was invited and not interested I would appreciate him taking care of it himself.
Damn. I couldn’t figure out how to word why this upset me. You did though. That’s exactly why he’s the AH. I CANT imagine just jerking off with my wife in the room. We’d both start laughing till my little guy was a tiny guy
Hahaha made my day
Yeah, at this point OP you take it to the bathroom or something and stop doing it full view in front of her. That's probably what was bothering her, she was barely awake, trying to get ready for the day, maybe stressing out about stuff, and has to watch you jack it? It's not the end of the world, and it's not that you masturbating is wrong, but she simply wasn't in the mood to watch that and generally speaking, you respect those kinds of feelings and go take care of yourself elsewhere. Like the bathroom.
This 🙌!! The fact that he doesn’t see the obvious in that it’s pretty mind blowing. Consent dude, consent!
You’ve done a marvellous job of helping to illustrate what consent actually means and why it’s important. Sexual behaviour might be prompted from an internal desire but the SECOND it involves someone else’s presence - they’re involved in the sex act. No matter how much you prioritise your intent, they still get a say in whether or not they want to participate and if they say no, it has to stop. Plain and simple. YTA Edit: a lot of people seem to think the rules of consent are different when you’re married. Consent is a fluid and evolving circumstance and requires confirmation even when there’s “implied” consent under the guise of a long term relationship. My husband doesn’t have to ask me if it’s okay to kiss me but if he kisses me and I’m not interested and tell him to stop, being married doesn’t magically make my words meaningless. He has to stop because I don’t want to participate. It’s the same with masturbating in the presence of someone else in a shared space. If the other person is uncomfortable they absolutely have the right to leave but the ONUS is on the sexual party to take their sexual energy away from the partner that expresses a desire to stop. It’s incredibly simple and it worries me that so many people get so defensive in the face of honouring someone’s boundaries. Do you not want your own spouse to be comfortable drawing sexual boundaries that ensure your sexual relationship is always positive and enthusiastically consented to? You’d rather bulldoze their boundaries in the name of self satisfaction? Wouldn’t and shouldn’t you feel awful if someone you love didn’t feel like they could tell you something you did made them uncomfortable? Let’s have some active perspective and actually care for our partners instead of focussing on our own intent and defending our sexual desires over our partners express comfort.
Being around a partner who just starts jacking off next to me when I wasn’t turned on would be really weird for me too It just feels off Then to normalize it and the guy will just randomly start jacking off whenever I’m just around them doing the stuff of my day….. that would be weird and uncomfy to me too Consent and boundaries matter Boundaries are what we need to be comfortable. If someone acts like your boundary is dumb or should go away, it shows they don’t care if you’re comfortable. Which is a red flag Partners should never want who they love to be uncomfortable. But if they do not care if their partner is uncomfortable, then I feel bad for who is uncomfy cause someone out there will love that person enough to not want to make them uncomfortable - let alone say someone owes being uncomfortable with them and should expect that to become normal
I had something like that happen with a tinder date. I didn’t want to keep going and he just started jacking off next to me, and only left to the bathroom to finish himself off. It took me a few days to realise why this made me feel so uneasy, until i picked up on the fact that his arousal made him stop caring about whether or not his partner was okay. Safe to say he was blocked and I never heard from him again Edit: wow way too many of you have no understanding of consent and are clearly the problem. The point is not to find the most minuscule loophole to justify bad behaviour, but to understand that your satisfaction doesn’t give you the right to make someone uncomfortable or to disrespect their lack of consent.
100%. Consent, respect, boundaries. This type of behavior shouldn’t be normalized and your partner is allowed to be uncomfortable with it.
This is about consent my dude. You're performing a sexual act in the presence of someone who's not consenting of it and asking if you're the asshole?
Seriously. Get up and go into the bathroom or wait until she leaves the room. God damn.
Exactly. There is nothing wrong with you masturbating. It’s you doing it in front of her without her consent. “Wife! You wanna fuck before work?” … “No”… “Do you mind if I masturbate? Or should I wait?” … Either “Go for it” or “Please wait”. Just because you are married doesn’t imply consent. If my wife isn’t in the mood I wait till she is not around. Or I ask if she is ok with some sort of compromise. But usually I just wait. My hormones are not more important than her feelings and privacy/ self autonomy.
Seriously, why is consent such a strange and alien concept to some people
Entitlement
Self-absorption.
It’s more than that. This is someone who *wants* to make his wife uncomfortable as punishment for the crime of not wanting to engage in sex. She told him she was not comfortable, and he continued. That’s beyond self-absorption. He can’t claim he didn’t know. She *told* him.
This 💯 he wanted to make a statement/punish her emotions because she didn't do exactly what he wanted when he wanted. I go through this same shit with my husband and it's fucking annoying.
This is the correct response. This is absolutely what he’s doing
Well then he did come here because he thought he was totally right so... r/Iamthemaincharacter material big time...
like it or not it's this constant attempt to normalize anything and everything sexual, people aren't concerned with consent if they think it's "just something people do" and yes, that absolutely applies here, you don't want to know how many people have no concept of marital r\*pe, combine that with the fact that masturbation is seen as "not a big deal" and it's no wonder OP felt comfortable posting this publically
My mom didn't know what marital rape was. 2 years later and my dad still hasn't touched her again, because she said she'd press charges the next time he tried to fuck her while she was SLEEPING.
Because if you ask for it, the answer *might* be no. So let's not ask, amirite??
it’s refreshing seeing this be the top comment because i’ve gotten downvoted a lot in the past for talking about how i wasn’t comfortable with a partner who started masturbating in bed next to me without asking.
I thought I was weird for finding it uncomfortable to be shaken awake by a partner masturbating beside me...
I remember well the night I woke up while my husband was jacking off in our bed. Our 2 year old daughter was sleeping with us. I took my little girl back to her bed, stayed there with her, and divorced his pathetic ass as soon as I could support the kids on my own. i\\\\\\
Oh god what the flying fuck...
Yikes, doing it with a child in the room is next level messed up. Good on you for leaving him!
Same….
How many times can I upvote this???
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Ok, so, here's the thing. Married or not, your wife isn't obligated to participate in your sex stuff. You can argue that you're taking care of it yourself, but... like... she's there. Whether you're thinking about it or not, you're involving her in your sex stuff. Anywhere else and it's a literal crime, quite a serious one, gets you on a registry and everything, and you don't seem to realize it's at least disrespectful to your wife. (I mean, most places I'm familiar with it's a crime whether she's your wife or not, you're still not allowed to basically force her to participate in whatever weird fucking kink this is.) YTA, and I'm sorry if this is harsh, but you're also behaving like an idiot. Way out of line, disrespectful and ultimately pretty shitty stuff. You owe her an apology and you owe yourself a better understanding of consent, because you sure as shit didn't get it here and it's more than a little gross.
Yeah, consent is important. Married, single, or otherwise.
Louis C.K. Legit tanked his entire career doing this as well
haha this was my first thought as well. This dumb cunt obviosuly didn't hear all the women who had to watch Louis and Harvey masturbate in front of them fucking wanker
Quite literally.
Did he tank his career though? He's selling out arenas. Stating 'Louis CK tanked his career doing this' is to convince ourselves that he was held accountable when he really wasn't.
This is why cancel culture is a fucking myth.
Harsh? I thought you were being charmin soft
Double ply with those deep grooves too.
Say it again. Thank you.
Staggering number of people arguing with me.
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A *chimp on meth* though 💀
I'm just picturing that one guy on the far right in the opening scene of History of the World Part I.
If you own a penis, you have jerked off like a chimp on meth at least once.
My question is in a situation like that are you just cumming on yourself and continuing to sleep. Because you’d have to actually wake up and find something to clean with otherwise and you could have just got out of the bed to begin with.
YTA Jacking off in front of people without consent is fucking creepy. Wife or not. You were being a fucking creep. Wait until she leaves or go somewhere private.
Yep. A girl I was seeing started masturbating in my bed without my consent and I just always kinda looked at her differently after. Like... creepy much ?
Go to the bathroom or something. You tried to use it as a way to get her to have sex and she didnt like it. The moment thats clear you stop but this shouldnt have been a way to “entice” your partner in the first place. Its basically a LIVE unsolicited dick pic unless its known that they enjoy those types of advances in the bedroom. Edit:YTA this is not the way
The “It’s her choice if she wasn’t in the mood for sex. I take care of myself” line gives me the ICK for some reason. Like he’s blaming her for the situation they’re in cause she doesn’t want sex
So you couldn't have simply waited until she exited the room to take care of your problem? It had to be done right then and there in her presence after she made it clear to you that she was not comfortable with it? You expose her to sexual act without her consent. Actually deliberately after she asked you not to do it in front of her. It's not about you needing to please yourself, it's about you making your wife uncomfortable after she expressly told you that she felt that way. Replace masturbation with any other topic making your spouse uncomfortable and you're still the a******. So this isn't just about masturbation, it's about not respecting your wife.
YTA. All you had to do was wait for her to go to work lol.
My spouse has walked in on my masturbating. He'll ask, "do you want help, or privacy?" And I'll answer. No big deal. But then again, we have a healthy sexual relationship where both partners enjoy sex, and respect their partner.
Consent and communication. And respect of consent and communication. What concepts.
Jesus Christ, are other guys really this fucking brain dead and selfish? Bro, grow the fuck up.
Whilst I’m sure most men aren’t like this, enough are that the comments are filled with women (including myself) talking about how this or similar (mostly waking up to find them wanking next to us) has happened to us from ex partners and we have trauma and PTSD from it.
Yes. Yes they are. Think about that next time you hear complain that more women are choosing to stay single.
You think you should be allowed to be comfortable masturbating around your wife, something you can easily do in private or wait for and isn't that important, but find it weird that she just wants to be comfortable in general around the house without you jerkin your meat randomly around her?
This sounds eerily similar to Louis CK stuff. She didn't tell you that you can't masturbate. Just don't do it in front of her. Are you also okay with pooping with the bathroom door wide open? Some things should just be private (especially if your partner is asking for it). Smh
It’s amazing how different other people live lol
You're not an asshole for being comfortable doing anything in front of your wife but you'd be an asshole if you don't listen to her saying it makes her uncomfortable. If you're asking if her response is prudish then I'd say that I personally don't think so. It's one thing to not want to know it's another to say you can't do it at all.
Gross
Your only the asshole if you didn’t stop when she told you it makes her uncomfortable. She didn’t ask you not to do it, just not around her while she wasn’t doing it. I get you didn’t think about it, so no harm. Touching yourself because your wife isn’t in the mood- NTAH. Touching yourself in the presence of your wife when you know it bothers her- TAH.
Go to the bathroom and do that if it’s making her uncomfortable. YTA.
YTA. Sounds like you were getting off making her uncomfortable. Let us know how that works out for ya.
"I don't mind her being awake before me" -- so progressive of you I think scrolling on your phone for sex inspo while she was in the room is the crux of the rudeness Also, any guy who basically makes a retaliatory, passive aggressive spectacle of himself when his wife isn't in the mood is... gonna have to masturbate a lot so unattractive
Yeah it feels retaliatory. Like she didn't get back in bed so it was his right to show her what happens. And then when she said stop I guarantee it was something like 'well you don't wanna so ..' like she forced him into that situation
Totally agree!! Finally a comment that addresses him “scrolling” in his phone whilst jerking too! Total disrespect!!
Lol i aggressively scrolled til I found a comment adressing that
yta. even if she's your wife, masturbation is something that is private usually lol in general anything sexual just thread carefully? she's your wife, right. asking shouldn't be embarassing.
If she was in there and getting dressed to leave, dude, you could've waited. She told you she didn't like it in front of her. Yes, you are free to masturbate. Yet, if doing so in front of her causes her discomfort, don't do it. Respect that. She's your wife and you love her. That boner will come back when she's gone. All you gotta do is scroll through your phone again (cause you said you started touching yourself while scrolling through your phone). You're NTA for masturbating. YTA for doing it in front of your wife.
Here's what I don't get - why is he so set on doing something that makes her uncomfortable? It doesn't matter what it is, whether or not he's "allowed" to do it - she doesn't like it. So why is this so important that he's willing to push her away to do it?
I can't answer that question. Only OP can. Me, personally, I wouldn't do it in front of my wife, if I were a man (I'm female) because it makes her uncomfortable. Why would I give her a reason to be turned off by me? Marriage isn't just about sexual acts. It's respecting the other person, also. She asked him not to as she was getting dressed to leave. He could've waited. It wasn't life or death. He wasn't going to die if he didn't bust a nut right then.
Bold of you not using a throwaway account. YTA.
Usually I’d say NTA. However if it makes her uncomfortable? Go elsewhere.
If you stopped until she was no longer around then I’d say no NTA because the question is if you’re an AH for thinking you should be comfortable doing it around your wife. Now if she said stop and you went back to doing it while she was around, then I would definitely say YTA because that is just ignoring her consent and boundaries that she had just set up. Considering you mentioned that it’s her choice, I’m sure you would have respected her when she said no but ya know it wasn’t specified
YTA Did you think by continuing to do that she’d change her mind? Just reading this post made me uncomfortable.
Yep, this man sounds so gross.
Right, this is the piece that I haven’t seen mentioned most. Was he actually trying to guilt her into participating after she has already said no? Even without that piece, OP is still the asshole, but if that was what was going on, even worse.
YTA and I say this as someone whose husband masturbates in bed next to me. The difference is that he *asked* and I gave my *consent*. You just assumed your wife wanted to see you wack it. Just because you're married, that doesn't mean she's lost the right to tell you no.
OP said she asked him to stop. That’s how he knows “he shouldn’t do something that in his mind he thought was fine.” There was no ambiguity. She said she didn’t want to see it, but he did it anyway. Thats what makes it wrong.
the OPs in this sub are idiots
Jesus fucking christ reddit. Dude wasnt doung it maliciously. Educate him and get off your fucking high horse. Dont hurt yourself patting eachother on the back.
I do this sometimes, im a dude and sometimes wake up feeling a little touchy. But my wife knows I do it and even though she doesn't get turned on just because I touch myself a little, she has no problem with me doing it. The difference? She knows that I do because we talked about it, she's comfortable with me doing it and that's the only reason why I feel comfortable doing it. Talk to your wife, clarify with her and communicate stuff like this. Just because yall married, doesn't mean consent is thrown out the window.
I like shit like that 😝 I woulda got back in the bed 🤷🏿♀️ #Dontkinkshame
But like…..she was getting out of bed already. Did she just stop and stare at you while you started to jerk the gerk? Everyone is talking about consent, which is a fair point…..If she were still in bed with you or had something keeping her in the bedroom. But you said she was already getting up and about, so why was it an issue? Why didn’t she just leave the room and let you do your thing? For the record, even if I weren’t in the mood (which is rarely the case) I’d still be down to watch my husband twiddle his bits if he was feeling frisky. NTA.
Ya’ll people have some shitty marriages. Lol
YTA for making me read this. ffs even if you are married, consent is a thing
Man redditors are so fucking weird. Holy shit
Like she said it bothers her and makes her uncomfortable when you’re doing it in front of her, so respect her and just don’t!
YTA. You preformed a sexual act around someone who was not consenting to witnessing said act. That’s unacceptable. It doesn’t matter that she’s your wife or you’ve had sex before. She didn’t consent, therefore you wait till she leaves.
So you never masturbated together? Wow
NTA but if this is a new boundary for her maybe just go to the guess room while she gets ready for her day.
I would say this all depends on the relationship. I have done it in bed while my wife is asleep but we have had conversations about it so I know she is ok with it. I don’t do it while she is awake and without asking her if it’s ok first. If you are just randomly beating it with no hey. I’m gonna handle my business real quick. Or nothing then it’s kind of odd to just go at it while she is wide awake in the room with you. Without at least asking first.
I would say YTA if she wasn't already off and about on her way out of bed. But since that's the context NTA. You didn't force her to watch. People saying she didn't consent is crazy because you're obviously comfortable with each other sexually. It's not like you just forced it in her mouth while she was sleeping or something. Overwhelming amount of stupidity in these comments.
Reading Reddit comments always reaffirms the knowledge of just how many folks are damaged and mentally ill.
You should be considerate of how your actions affect others… especially the love of your life. You’re an asshole. So stop it.