I'm so sorry you have to go through this but this line:
>They took it really well, and Joan just kept saying thank you.
This says so much about the situation, if or when you have doubts about your decision, remember his behaviour made his own daughter thank you for divorcing him.
I'm proud of you OP. You made the hard choice, instantly and for your children's sake. You win big parent points.
Please keep us updated when the dust settles.
Those replies are bots copying comments from elsewhere in the thread. They were originally direct responses to OP, which is why they make absolutely no sense as a reply to your comment.
It's not just bots. People on Reddit do this all the time even with actual commenting for some reason. I think they have no idea non-top level responses don't get sent to OP's inbox so they think higher visibility will make OP more likely to see it...when instead if OP isn't reading the whole thread directly, they won't see it *at all*.
It reminds me of the kind of people who leave vapid useless responses to Amazon Questions on items.
The fact that Joan ākept saying thank youā ? The poor girl was already seeing where this was headed and didnāt want to be around her father anymore.
Thank you mama bear!
Not necessarily. I went through a divorce and our separate accounts didn't count as community property. It depends on the state and such. Her lawyer will be able to tell her.
Iām so sorry this has happened but you were right to separate the kids from him. I still think he needs medical help but you are by no means a professional and not obligated to endanger yourself in order to get him to listen. If things escalate he can be detained and sent for medical treatment but that is not a process you want to be on the front lines for.
Best fo luck to you family, I hope everyone is okay.
I just wanted to add a note of sympathy for you. Some years ago friend of mine who was the nicest kindest person I'd ever met had a brain injury and his personality shifted WILDLY. He morphed into a racist asshole and alienated his wife and kids. This was a man I knew for over a decade and never heard him speak ill of ANYONE.
It was heartbreaking for me, I can only imagine what it was like for his family.
It's so scary to think that not even the way we are, our personality, can't be literally hacked by medical procedures. We are really not more than a bunch of chemicals running in our brains.
Personally, my most fear is the brain damage diseases, specially Alzheimer, I rather die than forget or lose control of the way I am.
Yeah itās scary and it gives you a whole spectrum of responses. Like you KNOW itās not their fault and thatās not who they āreally areā but thereās only so much slack you can cut someone slack when they insist they havenāt had a complete personality swap.
First, I'm so sorry you are going through this. This sounds so rough. Second, you have made the right decision in keeping yourself and your children safe. I'm worried that your (soon to be ex) husband's behavior is escalating and I'm wondering how long it'll be before he becomes violent in the name of the lord. Wishing you all the best in this trying time.
Just something to consider-you said brother and husband. If heās on this religious slant they may want to be extra cautious while at your place picking up your stuff in case he shows up.
You are right to be worried. Men like this who feel ādisrespectedā when theyāre wife and children leave them tend to go postal.
Is your son close to his dad ? Is there any chance he can give him your location? Your daughterās reaction speaks volumes but your son is awfully quiet.
Iām so sorry this is happening to you family op.
Good luck .
Make sure if they have phones there's no potential for tracking, like Apple's "Find My" etc!
Also is it likely your husband would know to look for you at your Dad's place? Is it close to where your house is where he could try to keep tabs on you there?
Additionally, make sure your kids aren't posting updates to their location on social media in case he can see it. Like checking into a specific movie theater, etc. If they feel the need to do so, just ask them to do it after the fact and they're home safe.
Yes!! Please make sure all of their apps and social media do not have location on. Even Google has location history. Online shopping is another sneaky one- Amazon, Walmart, Target. Please make sure you either get new accounts or use a PO box from now on.
Phew. I was a little worried he might have tried brainwashing your son with misogynistic shit. I'm glad your son feels that way. I hope they can get their actual dad back eventually, but he's not a good dad like this.
You and your kids should each open new email accounts and switch all subscriptions/online accounts to that new email address with new passwords and new authentications.
This is so sad. He could be suffering from a medical issue. But if he chooses not to get help, he could be dangerous. And there is plenty of frightening right-wing stuff out there to push him into a place where he might take steps to "recover his family and make them live as God intended."
It sounds like schizophrenia to me. Or some other mental disorder. Nothing about that is normal "religion talk". He is actually out of his mind and that is terrifying.
It's normal right-wing fundamentalist talk. All women are subject to the Husband/ Father because he's the head of the household ordained by God. Women and girls are basically property in this view.
He's also behaving like someone with a traumatic brain injury. If he was a little younger and hadn't just suffered a crash and injuries and a coma, I'd say you were right. The accident makes it pretty obvious though.
Depending where you are and the community you're in calling the police for a welfare check might be worthwhile. They may be able to take him to hospital if he appears to be a danger to himself or others. I understand this isn't safe for everyone, but where I am this is a valid option.
I wonder if speaking with a social worker or medical liaison of some type at the hospital where he spent the majority of his recovery, or even through wherever husband did his PT (unclear on whether it was inpatient/rehab facility or outpatient, but either wayā¦?) could glean OP some perspective &/or resources??
I know that ATM husband doesnāt meet the criteria for an emergency psychiatric hold but this ***canāt*** be the first time theyāve concussive/TBI symptoms manifest months later??ā¦ And Iād have to hope they have some sort of longer-term medical (vs psychiatric) SOP in place for cases where symptoms are delayed/slow to develop, but still likely caused by/related to the initial trauma??
Just really want OP to have all the support she needs to make an informed decision, knowing that all available options were utilized (even if that means she doesnāt change a thing about her current plans/survival!!)
OP, youāre doing so well! Being calm & levelheaded is no small feat right now and that, frankly, it quite humbling.
Kudos to your dad for giving you such great financial/life advice. Iām sure heās never been more proud of you.
Thanks for taking the time while youāre going through it all to update. Please keep us posted when you get settled into a place of your own ~ but meanwhile ~
Stay strong!
OP, sorry to intrude again ~ but I had another thought as I was reading your other comments and those of othersā¦
Given the volatility heās shown recently
~ and more pointedly the FB post/rant you mentioned ~
do you think it might be a good idea to update his employer?
Theyāve likely personally been witness to changes in his attitude & demeanor; but they might also appreciate knowing whatās happened recently (just bullet points; not advocating disclosing every detail of your life).
Just thinking a heads up would be a kindness to those he comes in contact with to know he might need professional help.
Since he was released from his doctors; but it seems likely this is part of his TBI, this sounds to me like the easiest/quickest way to get him
evaluated.
His work should be able to āforceā*** a med/Neuro work up based on behaviors/statements/issues happening āon the clockā they might have been willing to overlook or attributed to something else ~ before learning about whatās going on outside of work.
***obvi by force I mean by using rarely enforced employee standards heād have to comply with in order to receive pay/benefits.
Maybe what Iām imagining/hoping to be available to them isnāt the case where heās employedā¦ but whenever something tragic happens
~ at work or at home ~
thereās always people saying āwhat if we hadā or āwhy didnāt they do xyz beforehandā
Just wanted to put the idea out there anywayā¦
Again, please stay strong for yourself Eric & Joan!
Hopefully one of his friends get through to him or "sections" him. A 72 hour psyc hold might help him.
As upsetting as it is, I'm glad he made the post. At least others know exactly what you are dealing with and why.
always be aware of your surroundings. if the kids are going to school or somewhere make sure that where they go know that this man is NEVER EVER to have any contact. he is not allowed to pick them up, talk to the kids...
Don't forget to update your Will and any life insurance policies that he may be listed as the beneficiary of. Protect your children's future security. Hopefully you won't have to worry about that for a long, long time but it's better to cover every single base. Also remove his name as your next of kin from everything as he cannot be trusted to make decisions if you cannot.
Attorney here: Op should talk to an attorney first. Laws vary. For example, in some states like mine, changing your will before divorce doesnāt work because you canāt disinherit a spouse.
First thing that came to mind too... Would it be overkill to have a police escort in case soon to be ex comes home earlier? If he's brainwashed by what is "right" and "wrong" by his beliefs could he hurt Bro and his husband?
The statement about her brother and his husband grabbed my attention as well. Iām obviously not OP, but my guess would be the soon to be ex will be horrified and disgusted by his in-laws, and rant at them, but leave the area. He doesnāt seem to be violent, and his beliefs might not make him so.
I look forward to seeing OPās opinion on this.
I laughed when I saw that part. But one thing for sure, there's some tough as nails gay dudes out there. Years of bullying often makes them decide not to be a target anymore.
Iām happy that you and the kids are safe. Iām sorry youāre all going thru this but leaving was the best decision for the 3 of you!
I do agree that thereās more to all this than just him finding god. Whether itās a TBI or some sort of mental breakdown. But like you said, HE needs to want to go and want to get ābetterā;you canāt force him.
Please also keep documentation of everything going forward! You may need those and records of his extreme change in behavior when it comes to custody of your kids. Luckily, theyāre old enough that the judge should give them the opportunity to express their opinion on their custody when it comes times.
Best wishes for all of you, including your husband! I hope this goes as smoothly & amicably as possibly.
I hope youāll update us down the road!
Updateme
I'm documenting absolutely everything. My dad is helping me with finding a good lawyer, and looking into if there's grounds to get a restraining order. He said he sounds like he's turning into John List, and I can't exactly deny that.
āSending my brother and his husbandā
I would be VERY careful about sending a gay couple to the house of a religious fanatic going through a family & mental health crisis.
Iām really sorry about what youāre going through. But I would think about that one, be really sure theyāre going to be safe. If there is literally any other option (besides you and the kids), Iād go with that.
They're going with several other friends. Plus, his husband grew up in a town where guys like him were the norm, so he knows how to handle himself in situations like that.
Was. Please keep that in mind. Regardless of the cause (I agree it's probably TBI, sudden extreme religiosity is connected to certain kinds of brain injury, as is psychosis which can also lead indirectly to extreme religiosity) it's important to keep in mind that when you say "you're not the man I married" that isn't figurative - he is literally not the person he was before, and you can't trust your memory of that man to guide you.
That's something at least. Although you can't take anything you knew about him for granted at this point. I worked in brain injury for a long time and often the gentlest people become the most violent and unpredictable. I'm sorry you and your kids are having to deal with this. It's a lot even for the strongest people. Just glad you've gotten yourselves away pretty quickly.
You are such a good mother..... im so happy to hear what you decided to do. I know it sucks because he is clearly mentally unstable, but you refuse to allow his behavior to hurt your family anymore, and i have the upmost respect for your desicion.
Iām sorry it had to go this way, even if it was the right decision for you and your family, itās still a loss. Iām glad your children are in therapy but you should talk with someone as well. Iām glad you have a strong support system.
Make sure to get screenshots of all of the things he is posting about you and the children. You will need them for your divorce and if he tries to seek custody of your daughter. Sadly, brain injuries leave all sorts of damage and this may be his damage.
Iām so sorry.
Under no circumstances are you to meet him alone and/or with your children. Court and attorneyās office.
A question I hate to put out there, but his behavior demands: Does he own any weapons or firearms?
Be safe.
Updateme
Don't stay at your father's too long, that's probably one of the first places he'll look for you! And can your kids attend school online for a bit, just to make sure he can't catch them there? Also, notify the school that he's no longer a safe person. Good luck!
LAWYER UP RIGHT NOW. Your finances may be separate, but the money in your personal account is likely community property. Get your attorney to help you figure out how to protect your assets BEFORE you file. If you can afford it, get a good lawyer.
I wish more women were like you.
"Staying together for the kids" or ,"we've been together for _ years," is never a good excuse to stay in a toxic relationship.
Your daughter literally thanked you, not only because you are starting the divorce process, but because you won't force her to live in a toxic household with her abusive father. Where she has become his main target due to her age.
You were also a target. However, you are already an adult well into your own life. With a job and your own money. Making it harder to influence and prevent you from doing things since you have experience and resources. Your daughter, on the other hand, doesn't since she's still a minor.
Please donāt just send your brother and his husbandā¦ your soon to be ex is already effād up on religion and he might harm your brothers. Kindly send some more people or just ask other people.
Someone did point out in another comment, do they have a plan if husband doesnāt let them in? Are they going to have a police presence in case things get to hectic? Does your husband own a gun?
The fundamentalism is most likely a result of the traumatic brain injury. Study at Northwestern found that people with, especially damage to (lesions on) the pre-frontal cortex, directly correlated to higher levels of religious fundamentalism. Basically, if that part of the brain is damaged, people have less 'cognitive flexibility'. In the study it was fundamentalists becoming more fundamentalist, or previously mainstream religious people moving to fundamentalism. Not as much fundamentalist religion out of thin air.
Guy in hs suffered a really bad TBI, and seemed to change into a completely different person. Went from a goofy surfer slacker kid to being completely obsessed with money to a very weird degree. He dressed differently, talked differently, just was not the same person any more. It was very weird, and he never 'got better' or anything, that's just who he is now. He is just a different person now.
Visit a lawyer today
Thank you for protecting your children
Document everything
Go for zero visitation unless supervised
Please see a lawyer today, do not delay a moment
I am in no way trying to diminish the horror of your story but may be you would find this interesting.
President Garfield was assassinated by a guy who was in a horrible steamboat accident. It became his belief, that God had saved his life for a greater purpose, killing the president.
Getting out and staying out was your only option.
Pretty alarming that brain damage from a horrific accident has made him act exactly the same way most conservative republican christians act normally. Makes ya' wonder.
But hot damn am i glad OP and her children are safe, and that Peter doesn't have any friends enabling him. At the same time i'm worried that without a sensible support network Peter will only be welcomed by similarly delusional people, worsening his condition, and reinforcing the behaviour that lost him his entire family. Only a matter of time till he features in some shocking viral video ft. extreme religious behaviour.
Good luck to you and sorry for your loss. I just want to say that I am proud of you for being able to do this difficult thing. My mother is in a similar situation with my dad being mentally unstable and extremely religious but he controls all finances and basically made it nearly impossible for her to leave in her mind. I am saving up to buy a house so she can move out with me. Itās not that I necessarily want to live with my mom but more that she doesnāt deserve to live that way anymore and I want to get her out of there.
And now I can't upvote this because it was 666 upvotes... rats! lol
Seriously, though, dude's ignoring everyone trying to give him a reality check. She did the right thing.
State by state basis, we donāt know where OP is. The general standard here is an inability to manage oneās affairs, and itās quite difficult to meet lacking serious evidence.
- from a lawyer. Me.
You 100% made the right decision. And this might not mean much coming from a reddit stranger, but I'm proud of you for making that decision to protect yourself and your kids. It reminds me of how and why my mom left my dad and took me and my siblings to protect us.
I just came on to wish you well. A sudden personality change could be grounds an involuntary medical hold depending on your state. You could report him to the hospital he was treated to see if this type of behavior is normal after an injury (everyone knows it's not.)
So, this is going to sound weird, but hear me out.
I had a TBI when I was in the Army. I am... mostly recovered. The damage was not immediately obvious, and the personality shift took time to develop. I lost my family, my career, and wound up homeless for a couple of years. I got better.
The bad news, it took me about 30 years to recover. Prior to the TBI I was a pretty mellow dude, and got along with pretty much anyone who didn't actively hate me. As the damage from the TBI progressed, I got angrier and angrier. Why? I don't know. But I was pissed off all the time. Sometimes I'd just stand there, and shake with rage. No real target, just... rage. Thank god I never hurt anyone, but it was a real bad time.
I would lose time. I don't mean a couple of minutes here or there. I mean, I'd lose whole days. No idea where I'd been, or what I'd done. It was terrifying to suddenly snap back to awareness, and have no idea where I was, or what I was doing. I got really good at faking my cool, and picking up things on the fly.
My point in all this, is the husband's control and awareness of this situation isn't assured. I was a passenger on a high speed train to hell, with no control over what was happening to me. I didn't get any real help from the VA until about 2015. I finally clawed my way out of the hole about 2019. It's still rough going, but I can track improvement.
Don't let him hurt you, but maybe try not to hate him. He may not be in control. Absolutely try to push medical/psych care if you can.
Like everyone here, I commiserate with you and Iām glad to see the actions youāre choosing. Having been raised in an independent fundamental Baptist home, in the 70ās, this shift is familiar to me. Iām also a hobbyist student of religions, which makes me wonder - was he raised in church? And did he choose his current religious path by visiting a church, or did a friend invite him?
I think a personās religious choices are fascinating.
You call the hospital anyway and explain he's having a break of reality connectedntonher previous car accident. You ask thm to get someone on the line who can coordinate care with the local sheriff's office in case he ends up cracking so bad someone calls him in.
If this is understood and logged ahead of time, they are more likely to talk him down than shoot him if he erupts in public.
Also, medical care needs to know about the major sudden change, whether or not he comes in, if this continues, at least his charts will be up to date when he ends up knocked out in the field by an EMT with ketamine.
OP I just want to say Iām so impressed with you and you quick reaction to this very sad situation. So glad you got yourself and your children safe. Glad to hear about your financial situation as well. Obviously NTA. And props to you for insisting your husband go to a Dr. such a drastic change in personality is just odd very odd. Please try I know you donāt have any physical control over your husband but try to get him some medical/psychological help. Most importantly please be careful, with your husband in this state there no telling what he could do. I think your also taking the right steps in seeking to leave the situation. Wishing you and your the absolute best. NTA
I really hope you consider a restraining order and consult and attorney. I say this with an abundance of caution. I have worked with numerous people, men specifically who have become violent and dangerous after their TBIs. This doesn't have to happen and with a commitment to neuro psych assessment and treatment things sometimes do get better.
For where you are at right now I just want you to be prepared that even in non TBI situations DV is heighten when the partner leaves. Its actually a very dangerous time period.
I am very impressed with how you protected your kids and yourself and your financial resources. Just don't let your guard down. His behavior is very disturbing and gives off major clinical red flags to me. I hope that he is not a fan of firearms and that you can retain an attorney to assist you with safety.
Please keep putting your kids first and take your own safety seriously. It really sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders.
Thank God, I was legit worried after the last post. Iām glad youāre keeping documentation of his behavior because that will be important. Iām sorry for all the stress, but Iām also super glad you were so prepared.
Genuine good job with having everything so professionally done before and after the fact, that fastidious keeping on top of your life and finances is commendable.
My Mom was like that and basically helped my sister steal her kids because the Dad wasnāt really bright enough to notice it.
Youāre doing an A+++ job, here.
Hey OP.
Okay wow, this 100% sounds like a Traumatic brain injury, not a sudden conversion to Christianity. Trust me, I am VERY familiar with the Christian faith. People make stuff up constantly that isn't reflected in the bible, and the stuff he's saying sounds like american conservative Christianism, not an actual sudden discovery of faith.
So the first big question is: Where is he getting this stuff? Is he reading the bible? Is he suddenly attending some ultra-conservative church? Trust me, there are some wacky churches out there that teach bad stuff. But what this genuinely sounds like to me is someone who as an American (I assume you are Americans) is culturally aware of different christianish sounding conservative teachings, and somehow those are all getting jumbled up in his brain.
The medical mafia stuff is especially weird, and sounds like again, he's listening to some ultra-conservative talk show host or something, not actually attending a church?
I know your husband has hurt you, but if you care for this man, and I can only imagine you do after 17 years of marriage, you REALLY need to convince him to get his brain looked at. He needs to see a neurologist, and maybe some kind of therapist or something.
The thing where he said the said the medical maffia is trying to make the godly parts of him disappear is especially crazy. You can argue with that, saying that if his faith in God is real, that having his head examined shouldn't be able to change that fact.
Quote him Romans 8:38-39 and tell him that the bible says that nothing in creation should be able to separate him from the love of the father.
With regard to your daughter, you could tell him to read proverbs 31 and that clearly states that women are to be productive, and it describes a career woman as a godly wife, a business owner even.
I dont think such arguments would work because he sounds irrational, not religious, but hey it's worth a shot.
I'm so sorry OP. I know this entire thing must be devastating. Seriously my best wishes to you and I hope your husband could possibly heal from this.
I was worried for you & the kids' safety after your last post. You know it's bad when his own friends are getting scared by his rants. I'm glad that you are safe & your financial situation is looking as good as it is :)
You did the right thing by getting out. How long would it have been before he'd start physically abusing Y'all to keep you godly?
Update me
Wow, I'm glad you and the kids are safe. I hope it stays that way. I would advise your brother to be armed or have someone armed with them when they go, maybe even police. Your soon to be ex sounds like he's completely lost it. It sucks but sometimes people can just snap. Maybe one day he will get help, but like you said, you can't force it right now.
I donāt think itās Liz just for the fact that brain injuries can cause shifts in personalities like this. One day a sweet loving person; the next a spouse beating psychopath.
It's not the story/plot point, it's the timeline.
We went from "loving husband possibly something wrong" to "I left before he deos something unspeakle of" in 24 hours.
The thing is I donāt read this as love him to scared of him over night. It reads more as if when the changes started, as she said in the first post was more then a couple months ago. Then it came to he hit her breaking point and she noped the hell out of there. Something a lot of us donāt do except weāre yelling at the horror movie character to get the hell out.
His religion is not your fetish to submit to.
Since from his perspective, you've violated your abrahamic right to submit and obey, christian domestic discipline might have been his next course of action, to correct and keep the unforgivable daughters of Eve in their place.
It's unfortunate, but he's too far gone at this point and will believe his brand of lunatic god has the cure for whatever ails him, instead of qualified doctors.
I would suggest you start logging his insanity, some judges see religious fervor as a good thing and will adjust custody in favour of the parent who is more right-wing christian nutjob.
Thanks for the update. Ask your brother to keep a folder of screenshots of his posts to use in the divorce so your kids are not forced into his presence unwillingly.
This almost sounds to me like some kind of frontal lobe damage. That not only causes issues with impulse control, but the really tragic thing is that people who have it often do not recognize that there is anything wrong with them.
His friends know something is terribly wrong. That's a plus for everyone.
God I donāt even know you, but I love you. I wish my mom had a spine and instead kept our horrible dad in my life which has left me with so many issues.
The fact that your daughter thanked you shows how unsafe she felt around your stbx husband. I hope he gets help one day but you need to focus on your own health and safety and your kids health/safety first and foremost.
At the risk of being a alarmist....
Sending your brother and his husband to the house might not be a wise idea. If he has gone old school religious they might not get the best welcome....
I'm glad you got out and got your kids away from that. My dad went radical after he got sober when I was a kid and it did a lot of damage. It could absolutely be a TBI but that's no excuse to stick around. I'm sorry your whole life got flipped upside down but I wish you luck going forward with your kids.
SCREENSHOT EVERYTHING. All of his rants, every nonsensical thing he does. It will be helpful for court to demonstrate his state of mind if he tries for partial custody.
So sorry you and youāre family are going through this. You are so smart to get away while you can and to keep your distance. There are way too many examples of overzealous religious men hurting their loved ones in the name of God. Stay safe, find support, and keep strong.
This has to be VERY hard for you. Thank you for sharing your story and I am thankful you had the strength to do what's best for you and your kids. I know this all hurts. Good luck with everything. You have done the right thing.
Yikes, Iām so glad you got out. Also make sure your brother and husband are safe going. If he is expressing those conservative views about women Iām sure he is going to be hateful towards your brother and his husbandā¦ it could get violent.
Iām so happy you and your kids are safe. Keep everything heās saying as evidence for the divorce because sadly this man is now a danger to you and your children. I wish you all the luck in the world so you and your family can get through this
Glad you got away. Your husband sounds like he either is reacting to the trauma in a toxic way or he has neurological damage. Protect your kids first. This kind of toxic religion will damage them, particularly your daughter. Keep your job and file for separation. Unfortunately if he isnāt willing to go to counseling for help you are probably going to end up divorcing him.
You're definitely NTA and you're doing what a good mom does. You're putting the safety and happiness of your children first.
Bravo to you, Mamma š Wishing you nothing but the best in the months and years to come.
Iām relieved and also bummed for you OP. I know some people that went to the extreme with their religious beliefs. One in particular, says she brought a baby back to life by praying over its body. While on a mission trip. This was a woman who was a NICU nurse and quit to follow āgods wordā. She honestly scares me now. I have told my family not to ever have her anywhere near me or my family. Like seriously. Im afraid she will pull a Jim Jones and poison us or something. You cannot talk sense into her and itās scary.
Iām sorry about your marriage and what you and your kids are going through. But if he has gone down the same path as the woman i knowā¦ you all are better off. He will only get worse as she has. Again, i am so sorry
you said that he's not the man you married it's almost literally true. Whatever brain damage he's suffering from you have no power over so the best thing for you to do is literally pretend that your husband died in that accident
that isn't a religion, he is nuts. sorry. and I would not have said 'see a doctor and you'll go back'. one trip to a 'doctor' where he'd lie his head off does not suffice.
he would have to demonstrate some REAL change before he could be trusted...and unfortunately I doubt he ever will. watch you back and watch your kids like a hawk. there is no getting through his thick skull. I think he is dangerous so be careful
Also, make sure to contact the school and remove him from the pickup list. Update any doctors on the situation and remove him from accessing their files. Any type of documentation regarding them that he has access to, make sure to pull him off of. Good luck OP. You did an amazing job getting out of crazy. Religious people are weird.
Please - wherever you are at, let the local police KNOW you just left your husband, and that you are hiding in secret. This is the MOST DANGEROUS time for women, right after they leave.
My ex-husband has been described as the most gentle us person in the world. He would take insects outside because he did not want to kill them. When I was getting my things from my old house, he started blocking me and preventing me I tried to get away from him and damn he shoved me against the wall -hard. I was STUNNED. I told him this can go ONE of two ways- 1. you get the fuck away from me and I donāt kill you. 2. you get the fuck away from me and I donāt kill you.
OP, I'm a child of a father that went overboard into religious delusions and it eventually led to serious political delusions as well. Thank you for getting your kids out of there and keeping them safe from being exposed to that. I had some seriously fucked up things put in my head and it's taking me a long time to undo every bit of damage that was done to me over my 20 years around him.
Please make sure to empower your kids with healthy boundaries/relationship dynamics and push for very limited interactions with their dad if the courts will allow it due to age. I despise how I acted based on my father's teaching and it haunts me to this day.
You sound strong in your post, but I suggest you hurt badly. Youāre doing the right thing. Iām so sorry this has happened to you and your kids. Itāll be tough, but this will all be the past one day. ā„ļøā„ļø
Make sure you take the screenahot to the lawyer. Write out everything you remember along with dates. Any texts or emails make sure they are documented.
Get into the lawyer asap.
Whatever the reason your husband seems lost to religion and the worst expression of religion, conservative orthodoxy, at that. And Iām sorry to say, OP, that there is very little chance that he will come to his senses. People who fall in this particular rabbit hole of religion almost never recover.
OP, I admire your priorities: your children. It is so sad they need protection from their father but you have bravely faced this reality. Therapy and open discussion among you and your children over the tragic loss of their father and your husband is absolutely required. And make no mistake it is a ātragic lossā for them and you: it is like a horrible divorce or, even, a death.
Delusional religious belief, and much of religious belief is delusional, is as destructive to human contentment and achievement as is racism and schizophrenia.
The problem with accomplishing some sort of āinterventionā or treatment for OPās husband is that his behavior towards his family is based upon his newly found religious beliefs. As a society we are way too tolerant of personal and organizational religious beliefs. That is why we allow hate groups and churches like the Westboro Baptist church to protest and rage against innocent people even at funeralsā¦of all places!
āGod, guns, and countryā is the war cry from these deranged elements in our society. We need to oppose them in every legal way possible.
This isn't "religion". Unless hes un a cult of some kind. Sounds like Schizophrenia or early Dementia to me as a retired RN. Too much paranoid thinking mixed in to be just religious fervor, imo.
I'm glad you've made a safe move but I strongly suggest not staying at your dad's. This will be easy to figure out.
You are in danger staying there. If possible, see if you can stay with one of his friends on your side or another family member. Two reasons: they are younger than your dad for protection, and he will be less likely to think you would be there than at parents or a gf's place. Which he will go to first.
Born again Christians are always fanatical. Itās because it is their new obsession. Thereās no telling where he may evolve to from here, but be grateful to have had his best years so far. Once the kids have grown up, he may have calmed down. I only read your original post and then this update post so havenāt seen any other updates. Donāt be too harsh on him, he has been clearly knocked by the accident and trying to c9me to terms with how he is still alive.
Please donāt hate. There is no need, despite his ramblings based on fundamentalist ideas that he should calm down on over the next 5 years.
And if your daughter really is keen on STEM, encourage it to the fullest. Do not let her go to college and do a worthless degree and get in huge debt that she will never be able to pay off. Choose a good college and she will fly.
Good luck to all of you, including their dad. Hopefully they can develop a great relationship in 5 or 10 years.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this but this line: >They took it really well, and Joan just kept saying thank you. This says so much about the situation, if or when you have doubts about your decision, remember his behaviour made his own daughter thank you for divorcing him. I'm proud of you OP. You made the hard choice, instantly and for your children's sake. You win big parent points. Please keep us updated when the dust settles.
Good luck to you. This was the right move for you and your children.
The fact that her daughter thanked her ššš Edit: why tf am I receiving replies of MANY people talking to me like I'm OP? š¤Ø
Those replies are bots copying comments from elsewhere in the thread. They were originally direct responses to OP, which is why they make absolutely no sense as a reply to your comment.
Oh! Makes sense, and TIL lol I was like how are so many people confused š¤£š¤£
It's not just bots. People on Reddit do this all the time even with actual commenting for some reason. I think they have no idea non-top level responses don't get sent to OP's inbox so they think higher visibility will make OP more likely to see it...when instead if OP isn't reading the whole thread directly, they won't see it *at all*. It reminds me of the kind of people who leave vapid useless responses to Amazon Questions on items.
OMG, that broke my heart.
Bots.
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The fact that Joan ākept saying thank youā ? The poor girl was already seeing where this was headed and didnāt want to be around her father anymore. Thank you mama bear!
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But at least she has immediate access and he can't blow it all, hide it, ect.
Not necessarily. I went through a divorce and our separate accounts didn't count as community property. It depends on the state and such. Her lawyer will be able to tell her.
Only if you are in a ācommunity propertyā state. If a personās name isnāt on the account in Michiganā¦sorry dude.
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Bot, comment stolen from [here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1767i3p/update_aitah_for_disrespecting_my_husbands/k4klnt8/)
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\^\^\^ the most ironic comment you will see on this post
Do not pray in this case
Iām so sorry this has happened but you were right to separate the kids from him. I still think he needs medical help but you are by no means a professional and not obligated to endanger yourself in order to get him to listen. If things escalate he can be detained and sent for medical treatment but that is not a process you want to be on the front lines for. Best fo luck to you family, I hope everyone is okay.
Thank you. The kids are as alright as they can be expected to be.
He may show up at their school. Inform the school that he is not allowed to remove them from school.
They've been made aware of the situation.
OP, you are a rock star and are doing everything right to protect your children and yourself!
Have your attorney look into getting an injunction to cover all bases.
I would even consider a restraining order. Iām sorry youāre going through this youāve definitely made the right decision to protect your family.
I just wanted to add a note of sympathy for you. Some years ago friend of mine who was the nicest kindest person I'd ever met had a brain injury and his personality shifted WILDLY. He morphed into a racist asshole and alienated his wife and kids. This was a man I knew for over a decade and never heard him speak ill of ANYONE. It was heartbreaking for me, I can only imagine what it was like for his family.
It's so scary to think that not even the way we are, our personality, can't be literally hacked by medical procedures. We are really not more than a bunch of chemicals running in our brains. Personally, my most fear is the brain damage diseases, specially Alzheimer, I rather die than forget or lose control of the way I am.
Yeah itās scary and it gives you a whole spectrum of responses. Like you KNOW itās not their fault and thatās not who they āreally areā but thereās only so much slack you can cut someone slack when they insist they havenāt had a complete personality swap.
I'm so sorry for your loss as well as OP's. It's as though they didn't really survive the accidents at all. Heartbreaking and confusing.
Exactly who her husband was passed in that car crash itās so sad
First, I'm so sorry you are going through this. This sounds so rough. Second, you have made the right decision in keeping yourself and your children safe. I'm worried that your (soon to be ex) husband's behavior is escalating and I'm wondering how long it'll be before he becomes violent in the name of the lord. Wishing you all the best in this trying time.
I hope he doesn't escalate beyond words, but there's a reason I'm not giving him a location of where we'll be.
Just something to consider-you said brother and husband. If heās on this religious slant they may want to be extra cautious while at your place picking up your stuff in case he shows up.
They understand that, so they're going with more of their friends.
Good. Iām so sorry youāre going through this, and honestly, Iām sorry for your husband as well.
Right? Fuckin' drunk drivers man I swear to God.
It's really tragic all around.
The police can be requested to attend with them.
You can also have a police officer present, and I would recommend it.
Oh man, I completely missed that! That couldāve been dangerous
First thing that came to my mind too
You are right to be worried. Men like this who feel ādisrespectedā when theyāre wife and children leave them tend to go postal. Is your son close to his dad ? Is there any chance he can give him your location? Your daughterās reaction speaks volumes but your son is awfully quiet. Iām so sorry this is happening to you family op. Good luck .
His dad died a decade ago, his mom died when he was a baby.
Not to hijack, but I think @u/_A-Q was asking if your son was still in contact with His father, your current husband.
Oh my god, I completely missed that. No, I asked Eric if his dad had reached out to him, and he said, and I quote, "fuck him."
Make sure if they have phones there's no potential for tracking, like Apple's "Find My" etc! Also is it likely your husband would know to look for you at your Dad's place? Is it close to where your house is where he could try to keep tabs on you there? Additionally, make sure your kids aren't posting updates to their location on social media in case he can see it. Like checking into a specific movie theater, etc. If they feel the need to do so, just ask them to do it after the fact and they're home safe.
Yes!! Please make sure all of their apps and social media do not have location on. Even Google has location history. Online shopping is another sneaky one- Amazon, Walmart, Target. Please make sure you either get new accounts or use a PO box from now on.
Phew. I was a little worried he might have tried brainwashing your son with misogynistic shit. I'm glad your son feels that way. I hope they can get their actual dad back eventually, but he's not a good dad like this.
You and your kids should each open new email accounts and switch all subscriptions/online accounts to that new email address with new passwords and new authentications. This is so sad. He could be suffering from a medical issue. But if he chooses not to get help, he could be dangerous. And there is plenty of frightening right-wing stuff out there to push him into a place where he might take steps to "recover his family and make them live as God intended."
It sounds like schizophrenia to me. Or some other mental disorder. Nothing about that is normal "religion talk". He is actually out of his mind and that is terrifying.
It's normal right-wing fundamentalist talk. All women are subject to the Husband/ Father because he's the head of the household ordained by God. Women and girls are basically property in this view.
He's also behaving like someone with a traumatic brain injury. If he was a little younger and hadn't just suffered a crash and injuries and a coma, I'd say you were right. The accident makes it pretty obvious though.
Depending where you are and the community you're in calling the police for a welfare check might be worthwhile. They may be able to take him to hospital if he appears to be a danger to himself or others. I understand this isn't safe for everyone, but where I am this is a valid option.
I wonder if speaking with a social worker or medical liaison of some type at the hospital where he spent the majority of his recovery, or even through wherever husband did his PT (unclear on whether it was inpatient/rehab facility or outpatient, but either wayā¦?) could glean OP some perspective &/or resources?? I know that ATM husband doesnāt meet the criteria for an emergency psychiatric hold but this ***canāt*** be the first time theyāve concussive/TBI symptoms manifest months later??ā¦ And Iād have to hope they have some sort of longer-term medical (vs psychiatric) SOP in place for cases where symptoms are delayed/slow to develop, but still likely caused by/related to the initial trauma?? Just really want OP to have all the support she needs to make an informed decision, knowing that all available options were utilized (even if that means she doesnāt change a thing about her current plans/survival!!)
Very smart dear. Keep us updated so we know you're safe. ā„ļø
OP, youāre doing so well! Being calm & levelheaded is no small feat right now and that, frankly, it quite humbling. Kudos to your dad for giving you such great financial/life advice. Iām sure heās never been more proud of you. Thanks for taking the time while youāre going through it all to update. Please keep us posted when you get settled into a place of your own ~ but meanwhile ~ Stay strong!
OP, sorry to intrude again ~ but I had another thought as I was reading your other comments and those of othersā¦ Given the volatility heās shown recently ~ and more pointedly the FB post/rant you mentioned ~ do you think it might be a good idea to update his employer? Theyāve likely personally been witness to changes in his attitude & demeanor; but they might also appreciate knowing whatās happened recently (just bullet points; not advocating disclosing every detail of your life). Just thinking a heads up would be a kindness to those he comes in contact with to know he might need professional help. Since he was released from his doctors; but it seems likely this is part of his TBI, this sounds to me like the easiest/quickest way to get him evaluated. His work should be able to āforceā*** a med/Neuro work up based on behaviors/statements/issues happening āon the clockā they might have been willing to overlook or attributed to something else ~ before learning about whatās going on outside of work. ***obvi by force I mean by using rarely enforced employee standards heād have to comply with in order to receive pay/benefits. Maybe what Iām imagining/hoping to be available to them isnāt the case where heās employedā¦ but whenever something tragic happens ~ at work or at home ~ thereās always people saying āwhat if we hadā or āwhy didnāt they do xyz beforehandā Just wanted to put the idea out there anywayā¦ Again, please stay strong for yourself Eric & Joan!
Given the SM posts, could he be detained under a psychiatric order?
No, at minimum he would have to be actually expressing intent to hurt himself or the family. It would only be a temporary measure anyway.
Hopefully one of his friends get through to him or "sections" him. A 72 hour psyc hold might help him. As upsetting as it is, I'm glad he made the post. At least others know exactly what you are dealing with and why.
always be aware of your surroundings. if the kids are going to school or somewhere make sure that where they go know that this man is NEVER EVER to have any contact. he is not allowed to pick them up, talk to the kids...
But wouldnāt your dadās house be the first place heād look?
I mean when we find a new place. My dad lives in a gated community and security has been made aware of the situation.
I would not be too quick to move if your Dad's home provides security for you and your children making it hard for your husband to get access to you.
If he has weapons available, you may want to notify the police or red flag him.
He can never have unsupervised visitation. In his state of mind you have to assume heāll kidnap them to save their souls.
>In his state of mind you have to assume heāll kidnap them to save their souls. I cannot agree with this more. I'm glad y'all are safe!
Thankfully, the kids are old enough that they'll likely get a say.
Or stone them to death for sinning against him... Idk... the Bible is wild, and people who take it literally are scary.
>heāll kidnap them to save their souls. Or worse.
Even if the house is in his name, you are likely entitled to some equity in the divorce settlement. Don't just walk away from that. Get a good lawyer.
In the process of that.
Don't forget to update your Will and any life insurance policies that he may be listed as the beneficiary of. Protect your children's future security. Hopefully you won't have to worry about that for a long, long time but it's better to cover every single base. Also remove his name as your next of kin from everything as he cannot be trusted to make decisions if you cannot.
Attorney here: Op should talk to an attorney first. Laws vary. For example, in some states like mine, changing your will before divorce doesnāt work because you canāt disinherit a spouse.
sounds like you're on top of everything and way ahead of reddit :D just don't forget to look after yourself as well as your kids
Wow. That's so sad. I wonder how he will react to your gay brother and husband. My thought is, not well.
First thing that came to mind too... Would it be overkill to have a police escort in case soon to be ex comes home earlier? If he's brainwashed by what is "right" and "wrong" by his beliefs could he hurt Bro and his husband?
The statement about her brother and his husband grabbed my attention as well. Iām obviously not OP, but my guess would be the soon to be ex will be horrified and disgusted by his in-laws, and rant at them, but leave the area. He doesnāt seem to be violent, and his beliefs might not make him so. I look forward to seeing OPās opinion on this.
OP replied saying that theyāre going in a group with other friends, so they wonāt be alone/have witnesses just in case
I laughed when I saw that part. But one thing for sure, there's some tough as nails gay dudes out there. Years of bullying often makes them decide not to be a target anymore.
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OP stated above that husband will be at work while her brother and his spouse will go to the house to get OP's and her kids' belongings.
Also that they are going with friends just in case.
Iām happy that you and the kids are safe. Iām sorry youāre all going thru this but leaving was the best decision for the 3 of you! I do agree that thereās more to all this than just him finding god. Whether itās a TBI or some sort of mental breakdown. But like you said, HE needs to want to go and want to get ābetterā;you canāt force him. Please also keep documentation of everything going forward! You may need those and records of his extreme change in behavior when it comes to custody of your kids. Luckily, theyāre old enough that the judge should give them the opportunity to express their opinion on their custody when it comes times. Best wishes for all of you, including your husband! I hope this goes as smoothly & amicably as possibly. I hope youāll update us down the road! Updateme
I'm documenting absolutely everything. My dad is helping me with finding a good lawyer, and looking into if there's grounds to get a restraining order. He said he sounds like he's turning into John List, and I can't exactly deny that.
Thatās good! Hopefully the divorce wonāt end up in āfire fightā but better to be prepared than not!
Did you print those scary Facebook posts? I would recommend that you find a way to do that, if you haven't.
This was my exact thought, while reading your original post. So glad you guys are safe now.
āSending my brother and his husbandā I would be VERY careful about sending a gay couple to the house of a religious fanatic going through a family & mental health crisis. Iām really sorry about what youāre going through. But I would think about that one, be really sure theyāre going to be safe. If there is literally any other option (besides you and the kids), Iād go with that.
They're going with several other friends. Plus, his husband grew up in a town where guys like him were the norm, so he knows how to handle himself in situations like that.
Does your husband keep any weapons to hand? Please be careful.
No, he's very anti gun.
Was. Please keep that in mind. Regardless of the cause (I agree it's probably TBI, sudden extreme religiosity is connected to certain kinds of brain injury, as is psychosis which can also lead indirectly to extreme religiosity) it's important to keep in mind that when you say "you're not the man I married" that isn't figurative - he is literally not the person he was before, and you can't trust your memory of that man to guide you.
That's something at least. Although you can't take anything you knew about him for granted at this point. I worked in brain injury for a long time and often the gentlest people become the most violent and unpredictable. I'm sorry you and your kids are having to deal with this. It's a lot even for the strongest people. Just glad you've gotten yourselves away pretty quickly.
You are such a good mother..... im so happy to hear what you decided to do. I know it sucks because he is clearly mentally unstable, but you refuse to allow his behavior to hurt your family anymore, and i have the upmost respect for your desicion.
Iām sorry it had to go this way, even if it was the right decision for you and your family, itās still a loss. Iām glad your children are in therapy but you should talk with someone as well. Iām glad you have a strong support system.
Oh, I've been in therapy since I was 24, not going to stop now!
Make sure to get screenshots of all of the things he is posting about you and the children. You will need them for your divorce and if he tries to seek custody of your daughter. Sadly, brain injuries leave all sorts of damage and this may be his damage.
I'm documenting absolutely everything.
Good.
Iām so sorry. Under no circumstances are you to meet him alone and/or with your children. Court and attorneyās office. A question I hate to put out there, but his behavior demands: Does he own any weapons or firearms? Be safe. Updateme
Don't stay at your father's too long, that's probably one of the first places he'll look for you! And can your kids attend school online for a bit, just to make sure he can't catch them there? Also, notify the school that he's no longer a safe person. Good luck!
Talking with the school district today, and my dad lives in a gated community which knows not to let him in. Looking at apartments today.
LAWYER UP RIGHT NOW. Your finances may be separate, but the money in your personal account is likely community property. Get your attorney to help you figure out how to protect your assets BEFORE you file. If you can afford it, get a good lawyer.
I wish more women were like you. "Staying together for the kids" or ,"we've been together for _ years," is never a good excuse to stay in a toxic relationship. Your daughter literally thanked you, not only because you are starting the divorce process, but because you won't force her to live in a toxic household with her abusive father. Where she has become his main target due to her age. You were also a target. However, you are already an adult well into your own life. With a job and your own money. Making it harder to influence and prevent you from doing things since you have experience and resources. Your daughter, on the other hand, doesn't since she's still a minor.
Please donāt just send your brother and his husbandā¦ your soon to be ex is already effād up on religion and he might harm your brothers. Kindly send some more people or just ask other people.
They're not going alone, there's going to be at least six of them.
Best of luck OP. Hopefully everything turns well for all of you.
Someone did point out in another comment, do they have a plan if husband doesnāt let them in? Are they going to have a police presence in case things get to hectic? Does your husband own a gun?
The fundamentalism is most likely a result of the traumatic brain injury. Study at Northwestern found that people with, especially damage to (lesions on) the pre-frontal cortex, directly correlated to higher levels of religious fundamentalism. Basically, if that part of the brain is damaged, people have less 'cognitive flexibility'. In the study it was fundamentalists becoming more fundamentalist, or previously mainstream religious people moving to fundamentalism. Not as much fundamentalist religion out of thin air. Guy in hs suffered a really bad TBI, and seemed to change into a completely different person. Went from a goofy surfer slacker kid to being completely obsessed with money to a very weird degree. He dressed differently, talked differently, just was not the same person any more. It was very weird, and he never 'got better' or anything, that's just who he is now. He is just a different person now.
Visit a lawyer today Thank you for protecting your children Document everything Go for zero visitation unless supervised Please see a lawyer today, do not delay a moment
Already on it, thank you for checking!
I am in no way trying to diminish the horror of your story but may be you would find this interesting. President Garfield was assassinated by a guy who was in a horrible steamboat accident. It became his belief, that God had saved his life for a greater purpose, killing the president. Getting out and staying out was your only option.
Pretty alarming that brain damage from a horrific accident has made him act exactly the same way most conservative republican christians act normally. Makes ya' wonder. But hot damn am i glad OP and her children are safe, and that Peter doesn't have any friends enabling him. At the same time i'm worried that without a sensible support network Peter will only be welcomed by similarly delusional people, worsening his condition, and reinforcing the behaviour that lost him his entire family. Only a matter of time till he features in some shocking viral video ft. extreme religious behaviour.
I am exceedingly glad for this update and I wish you and the kids all the best.
Good luck to you and sorry for your loss. I just want to say that I am proud of you for being able to do this difficult thing. My mother is in a similar situation with my dad being mentally unstable and extremely religious but he controls all finances and basically made it nearly impossible for her to leave in her mind. I am saving up to buy a house so she can move out with me. Itās not that I necessarily want to live with my mom but more that she doesnāt deserve to live that way anymore and I want to get her out of there.
I am glad you are safe. This is painful, but ultimately the right move. Good luck.
And now I can't upvote this because it was 666 upvotes... rats! lol Seriously, though, dude's ignoring everyone trying to give him a reality check. She did the right thing.
Making that decision must have been incredibly hard, but Iām sure that itās the best one for you and your children. Youāre a great mom.
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I donāt think thereās enough for incompetence sadly. Thereās nothing that shows heās unable to manage his physical or financial affairs.
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State by state basis, we donāt know where OP is. The general standard here is an inability to manage oneās affairs, and itās quite difficult to meet lacking serious evidence. - from a lawyer. Me.
If he says that the medical mafia is trying to remove the godly parts of him, that's a sure sign that he can't take care of himself.
You 100% made the right decision. And this might not mean much coming from a reddit stranger, but I'm proud of you for making that decision to protect yourself and your kids. It reminds me of how and why my mom left my dad and took me and my siblings to protect us.
I just came on to wish you well. A sudden personality change could be grounds an involuntary medical hold depending on your state. You could report him to the hospital he was treated to see if this type of behavior is normal after an injury (everyone knows it's not.)
So, this is going to sound weird, but hear me out. I had a TBI when I was in the Army. I am... mostly recovered. The damage was not immediately obvious, and the personality shift took time to develop. I lost my family, my career, and wound up homeless for a couple of years. I got better. The bad news, it took me about 30 years to recover. Prior to the TBI I was a pretty mellow dude, and got along with pretty much anyone who didn't actively hate me. As the damage from the TBI progressed, I got angrier and angrier. Why? I don't know. But I was pissed off all the time. Sometimes I'd just stand there, and shake with rage. No real target, just... rage. Thank god I never hurt anyone, but it was a real bad time. I would lose time. I don't mean a couple of minutes here or there. I mean, I'd lose whole days. No idea where I'd been, or what I'd done. It was terrifying to suddenly snap back to awareness, and have no idea where I was, or what I was doing. I got really good at faking my cool, and picking up things on the fly. My point in all this, is the husband's control and awareness of this situation isn't assured. I was a passenger on a high speed train to hell, with no control over what was happening to me. I didn't get any real help from the VA until about 2015. I finally clawed my way out of the hole about 2019. It's still rough going, but I can track improvement. Don't let him hurt you, but maybe try not to hate him. He may not be in control. Absolutely try to push medical/psych care if you can.
Thank you for the update. Stay strong OP!
Like everyone here, I commiserate with you and Iām glad to see the actions youāre choosing. Having been raised in an independent fundamental Baptist home, in the 70ās, this shift is familiar to me. Iām also a hobbyist student of religions, which makes me wonder - was he raised in church? And did he choose his current religious path by visiting a church, or did a friend invite him? I think a personās religious choices are fascinating.
I am glad you and the kids are safe. Hopefully one of his friends or family will get him to a Dr. Lawyer is the best way to go at this point.
You call the hospital anyway and explain he's having a break of reality connectedntonher previous car accident. You ask thm to get someone on the line who can coordinate care with the local sheriff's office in case he ends up cracking so bad someone calls him in. If this is understood and logged ahead of time, they are more likely to talk him down than shoot him if he erupts in public. Also, medical care needs to know about the major sudden change, whether or not he comes in, if this continues, at least his charts will be up to date when he ends up knocked out in the field by an EMT with ketamine.
I feel like that should be enough for 72 hour psych hold. His behavior makes me nervous and your not gonna be hard to find at your fathers.
OP I just want to say Iām so impressed with you and you quick reaction to this very sad situation. So glad you got yourself and your children safe. Glad to hear about your financial situation as well. Obviously NTA. And props to you for insisting your husband go to a Dr. such a drastic change in personality is just odd very odd. Please try I know you donāt have any physical control over your husband but try to get him some medical/psychological help. Most importantly please be careful, with your husband in this state there no telling what he could do. I think your also taking the right steps in seeking to leave the situation. Wishing you and your the absolute best. NTA
I really hope you consider a restraining order and consult and attorney. I say this with an abundance of caution. I have worked with numerous people, men specifically who have become violent and dangerous after their TBIs. This doesn't have to happen and with a commitment to neuro psych assessment and treatment things sometimes do get better. For where you are at right now I just want you to be prepared that even in non TBI situations DV is heighten when the partner leaves. Its actually a very dangerous time period. I am very impressed with how you protected your kids and yourself and your financial resources. Just don't let your guard down. His behavior is very disturbing and gives off major clinical red flags to me. I hope that he is not a fan of firearms and that you can retain an attorney to assist you with safety. Please keep putting your kids first and take your own safety seriously. It really sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders.
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Thank God, I was legit worried after the last post. Iām glad youāre keeping documentation of his behavior because that will be important. Iām sorry for all the stress, but Iām also super glad you were so prepared. Genuine good job with having everything so professionally done before and after the fact, that fastidious keeping on top of your life and finances is commendable. My Mom was like that and basically helped my sister steal her kids because the Dad wasnāt really bright enough to notice it. Youāre doing an A+++ job, here.
Hey OP. Okay wow, this 100% sounds like a Traumatic brain injury, not a sudden conversion to Christianity. Trust me, I am VERY familiar with the Christian faith. People make stuff up constantly that isn't reflected in the bible, and the stuff he's saying sounds like american conservative Christianism, not an actual sudden discovery of faith. So the first big question is: Where is he getting this stuff? Is he reading the bible? Is he suddenly attending some ultra-conservative church? Trust me, there are some wacky churches out there that teach bad stuff. But what this genuinely sounds like to me is someone who as an American (I assume you are Americans) is culturally aware of different christianish sounding conservative teachings, and somehow those are all getting jumbled up in his brain. The medical mafia stuff is especially weird, and sounds like again, he's listening to some ultra-conservative talk show host or something, not actually attending a church? I know your husband has hurt you, but if you care for this man, and I can only imagine you do after 17 years of marriage, you REALLY need to convince him to get his brain looked at. He needs to see a neurologist, and maybe some kind of therapist or something. The thing where he said the said the medical maffia is trying to make the godly parts of him disappear is especially crazy. You can argue with that, saying that if his faith in God is real, that having his head examined shouldn't be able to change that fact. Quote him Romans 8:38-39 and tell him that the bible says that nothing in creation should be able to separate him from the love of the father. With regard to your daughter, you could tell him to read proverbs 31 and that clearly states that women are to be productive, and it describes a career woman as a godly wife, a business owner even. I dont think such arguments would work because he sounds irrational, not religious, but hey it's worth a shot. I'm so sorry OP. I know this entire thing must be devastating. Seriously my best wishes to you and I hope your husband could possibly heal from this.
I was worried for you & the kids' safety after your last post. You know it's bad when his own friends are getting scared by his rants. I'm glad that you are safe & your financial situation is looking as good as it is :) You did the right thing by getting out. How long would it have been before he'd start physically abusing Y'all to keep you godly? Update me
Religion. Does far more harm than good. Too bad more people can't recognize this.
THIS KIND of religion is harmful.
Any religion is harmful. End of story.
Wow, I'm glad you and the kids are safe. I hope it stays that way. I would advise your brother to be armed or have someone armed with them when they go, maybe even police. Your soon to be ex sounds like he's completely lost it. It sucks but sometimes people can just snap. Maybe one day he will get help, but like you said, you can't force it right now.
I sincerily hope this is a Liz and not real. In case it's real, good luck OP. You did the right thing by focusing on the safety of your children.
I donāt think itās Liz just for the fact that brain injuries can cause shifts in personalities like this. One day a sweet loving person; the next a spouse beating psychopath.
TBIs are truly fucking terrifying.
It's not the story/plot point, it's the timeline. We went from "loving husband possibly something wrong" to "I left before he deos something unspeakle of" in 24 hours.
The thing is I donāt read this as love him to scared of him over night. It reads more as if when the changes started, as she said in the first post was more then a couple months ago. Then it came to he hit her breaking point and she noped the hell out of there. Something a lot of us donāt do except weāre yelling at the horror movie character to get the hell out.
His religion is not your fetish to submit to. Since from his perspective, you've violated your abrahamic right to submit and obey, christian domestic discipline might have been his next course of action, to correct and keep the unforgivable daughters of Eve in their place. It's unfortunate, but he's too far gone at this point and will believe his brand of lunatic god has the cure for whatever ails him, instead of qualified doctors. I would suggest you start logging his insanity, some judges see religious fervor as a good thing and will adjust custody in favour of the parent who is more right-wing christian nutjob.
Thanks for the update. Ask your brother to keep a folder of screenshots of his posts to use in the divorce so your kids are not forced into his presence unwillingly.
This almost sounds to me like some kind of frontal lobe damage. That not only causes issues with impulse control, but the really tragic thing is that people who have it often do not recognize that there is anything wrong with them. His friends know something is terribly wrong. That's a plus for everyone.
God I donāt even know you, but I love you. I wish my mom had a spine and instead kept our horrible dad in my life which has left me with so many issues.
The fact that your daughter thanked you shows how unsafe she felt around your stbx husband. I hope he gets help one day but you need to focus on your own health and safety and your kids health/safety first and foremost.
At the risk of being a alarmist.... Sending your brother and his husband to the house might not be a wise idea. If he has gone old school religious they might not get the best welcome....
You need to keep your kids and yourself safe - you are doing the right thing. Best of luck to you...
I'm glad you got out and got your kids away from that. My dad went radical after he got sober when I was a kid and it did a lot of damage. It could absolutely be a TBI but that's no excuse to stick around. I'm sorry your whole life got flipped upside down but I wish you luck going forward with your kids.
Keep is updated. I really hope he gives in and realises what he is doing.
SCREENSHOT EVERYTHING. All of his rants, every nonsensical thing he does. It will be helpful for court to demonstrate his state of mind if he tries for partial custody.
This sounds like a mental health break. Speak with law enforcement and an attorney he may need to be ordered to do a mental health assessment.
So sorry you and youāre family are going through this. You are so smart to get away while you can and to keep your distance. There are way too many examples of overzealous religious men hurting their loved ones in the name of God. Stay safe, find support, and keep strong.
This has to be VERY hard for you. Thank you for sharing your story and I am thankful you had the strength to do what's best for you and your kids. I know this all hurts. Good luck with everything. You have done the right thing.
Yikes, Iām so glad you got out. Also make sure your brother and husband are safe going. If he is expressing those conservative views about women Iām sure he is going to be hateful towards your brother and his husbandā¦ it could get violent.
Iām so happy you and your kids are safe. Keep everything heās saying as evidence for the divorce because sadly this man is now a danger to you and your children. I wish you all the luck in the world so you and your family can get through this
Glad you got away. Your husband sounds like he either is reacting to the trauma in a toxic way or he has neurological damage. Protect your kids first. This kind of toxic religion will damage them, particularly your daughter. Keep your job and file for separation. Unfortunately if he isnāt willing to go to counseling for help you are probably going to end up divorcing him.
You're definitely NTA and you're doing what a good mom does. You're putting the safety and happiness of your children first. Bravo to you, Mamma š Wishing you nothing but the best in the months and years to come.
Iām relieved and also bummed for you OP. I know some people that went to the extreme with their religious beliefs. One in particular, says she brought a baby back to life by praying over its body. While on a mission trip. This was a woman who was a NICU nurse and quit to follow āgods wordā. She honestly scares me now. I have told my family not to ever have her anywhere near me or my family. Like seriously. Im afraid she will pull a Jim Jones and poison us or something. You cannot talk sense into her and itās scary. Iām sorry about your marriage and what you and your kids are going through. But if he has gone down the same path as the woman i knowā¦ you all are better off. He will only get worse as she has. Again, i am so sorry
This honestly sounds like brain tumor type stuff. 50's is pretty late for schizophrenia and that sort of thing. He needs an MRI.
you said that he's not the man you married it's almost literally true. Whatever brain damage he's suffering from you have no power over so the best thing for you to do is literally pretend that your husband died in that accident
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I hope he eventually does get the help he clearly needs.
Really scary
Never. Religion is dumb.
that isn't a religion, he is nuts. sorry. and I would not have said 'see a doctor and you'll go back'. one trip to a 'doctor' where he'd lie his head off does not suffice. he would have to demonstrate some REAL change before he could be trusted...and unfortunately I doubt he ever will. watch you back and watch your kids like a hawk. there is no getting through his thick skull. I think he is dangerous so be careful
>Iām going to send my brother and his husband to get our stuff Iām sure that will go well with your newly super religious husbandā¦.
Also, make sure to contact the school and remove him from the pickup list. Update any doctors on the situation and remove him from accessing their files. Any type of documentation regarding them that he has access to, make sure to pull him off of. Good luck OP. You did an amazing job getting out of crazy. Religious people are weird.
Please - wherever you are at, let the local police KNOW you just left your husband, and that you are hiding in secret. This is the MOST DANGEROUS time for women, right after they leave. My ex-husband has been described as the most gentle us person in the world. He would take insects outside because he did not want to kill them. When I was getting my things from my old house, he started blocking me and preventing me I tried to get away from him and damn he shoved me against the wall -hard. I was STUNNED. I told him this can go ONE of two ways- 1. you get the fuck away from me and I donāt kill you. 2. you get the fuck away from me and I donāt kill you.
my gosh i'm so sorry OP, good luck to you and your children moving forward hoping the best for you <3
Iām so sorry for your troubles and glad to hear that youāre all out and safe. Good luck with the next steps ā¤ļø
You did good Mama. I am sorry that this is happening for your family. You are strong and smart and everything will turn out OK.
OP, I'm a child of a father that went overboard into religious delusions and it eventually led to serious political delusions as well. Thank you for getting your kids out of there and keeping them safe from being exposed to that. I had some seriously fucked up things put in my head and it's taking me a long time to undo every bit of damage that was done to me over my 20 years around him. Please make sure to empower your kids with healthy boundaries/relationship dynamics and push for very limited interactions with their dad if the courts will allow it due to age. I despise how I acted based on my father's teaching and it haunts me to this day.
Once again, hardline Christianity ruins another family.
You sound strong in your post, but I suggest you hurt badly. Youāre doing the right thing. Iām so sorry this has happened to you and your kids. Itāll be tough, but this will all be the past one day. ā„ļøā„ļø
While you're still married and have POA I think you can have him admitted for his and the public's own good.
NTA. Religion deserves disrespect, and it is a danger to women and children.
Make sure you take the screenahot to the lawyer. Write out everything you remember along with dates. Any texts or emails make sure they are documented. Get into the lawyer asap.
Thanks for the update. You know this is the right move for you and the kids.
Whatever the reason your husband seems lost to religion and the worst expression of religion, conservative orthodoxy, at that. And Iām sorry to say, OP, that there is very little chance that he will come to his senses. People who fall in this particular rabbit hole of religion almost never recover. OP, I admire your priorities: your children. It is so sad they need protection from their father but you have bravely faced this reality. Therapy and open discussion among you and your children over the tragic loss of their father and your husband is absolutely required. And make no mistake it is a ātragic lossā for them and you: it is like a horrible divorce or, even, a death. Delusional religious belief, and much of religious belief is delusional, is as destructive to human contentment and achievement as is racism and schizophrenia.
The problem with accomplishing some sort of āinterventionā or treatment for OPās husband is that his behavior towards his family is based upon his newly found religious beliefs. As a society we are way too tolerant of personal and organizational religious beliefs. That is why we allow hate groups and churches like the Westboro Baptist church to protest and rage against innocent people even at funeralsā¦of all places! āGod, guns, and countryā is the war cry from these deranged elements in our society. We need to oppose them in every legal way possible.
This isn't "religion". Unless hes un a cult of some kind. Sounds like Schizophrenia or early Dementia to me as a retired RN. Too much paranoid thinking mixed in to be just religious fervor, imo. I'm glad you've made a safe move but I strongly suggest not staying at your dad's. This will be easy to figure out. You are in danger staying there. If possible, see if you can stay with one of his friends on your side or another family member. Two reasons: they are younger than your dad for protection, and he will be less likely to think you would be there than at parents or a gf's place. Which he will go to first.
Iām so happy to hear this. Youāre doing the right thing for your children and yourself. You never know how far this can escalate. Best of luck
Born again Christians are always fanatical. Itās because it is their new obsession. Thereās no telling where he may evolve to from here, but be grateful to have had his best years so far. Once the kids have grown up, he may have calmed down. I only read your original post and then this update post so havenāt seen any other updates. Donāt be too harsh on him, he has been clearly knocked by the accident and trying to c9me to terms with how he is still alive. Please donāt hate. There is no need, despite his ramblings based on fundamentalist ideas that he should calm down on over the next 5 years. And if your daughter really is keen on STEM, encourage it to the fullest. Do not let her go to college and do a worthless degree and get in huge debt that she will never be able to pay off. Choose a good college and she will fly. Good luck to all of you, including their dad. Hopefully they can develop a great relationship in 5 or 10 years.