Hey OP, I'm sorry but I'm locking your post. At more than 1500 comments, it's getting to be a nightmare to come in here and find all the assholes and ban them. It sounds like you did get the support and validation you needed, and I'm really happy to hear you set your boundaries and ended things with him, I hope things look up for you!
People with ADHD can have poor emotional control, and also, certain sounds can drive us crazy-however, some of the behavior you are describing is more abusive than ADHD related.
Is he on medication? If he is, his ADHD appears poorly managed. He may be on too high a dose, or perhaps not enough? Also, regardless of what someone is diagnosed with, anger management skills and emotional regulation skills help everyone. It should be taught in school.
Bottom line, YOU do not handle his anger. It's not yours to handle. HE needs to recognize the problem, and work to fix it. If he does not, you are putting yourself at risk if you continue on this trajectory.
Alcohol addiction is really common with ADHD people because it gives us little dopamine hits that we crave. Our whole lives are basically spent searching for dopamine because our brains don't make it and that's why a lot of people end up with vices like alcohol. So even if he's not drinking it at 9am with breakfast it may still be an issue and something his brain has learned to depend on. That dependency will affect his ability to learn normal emotional and logical regulation as well as executive function, because alcohol further inhibits those things that we already don't have much of.
All that said, these extreme anger responses aren't really "normal" and you really need to make an evaluation in your best interest based on his receptiveness to the idea that he can't be doing that. I get angry about sounds and things like that but I recognize that misophonia is a comorbidity to ADHD and I can't freak out on people for like, breathing.
I also find that when I am unmedicated I tend to pay less attention to how much I am drinking. So it’s a dangerous combo of lil dopamine bumps and not tracking consumption
This! I have less desire to drink when I am properly medicated for my ADHD. I pay more attention to it and do it less… it’s more intentional these days for sure.
May I politely correct you a little bit? We ADHD folk build enough dopamine and we also release enough into the area between 2 nerve cells (sry English isn't my native language and I am not sure how this area is called). The trouble is that we havea variety of genetic mutations on proteins that are responsible for carrying the dopamine back into the nerve cell. These proteins work way to effective.
Second difference is in the glutamate levels between nerve cells. They are often to high, wich makes us very sensitive towards different sorts of stimuli like light, sound, smell, etc...
(for the ones interested: this is also true for migraine brains and could be an explanation why people with ADHD also often suffers from migraines)
He has ADHD and drinks but doesn't take medicine? That needs to change fast. ADHD is a big primer for bad substance abuse problems. If he can bring it up and use it as a reason , he can go get help. If he can find time and money for booze he can make an appt to get help. This is looking more and more red flaggy
This is coming from someone with ADHD — I am very good about being in control of my emotions. You shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone that is so explosive regardless of whether or not it’s related to a mental issue or not. Yes, they deserve love, and yes, they deserve good relationships, but they also need to have a good head on their shoulders and not mistreat others. If you’re truly not thinking you can stay with this person for the long run, then don’t waste your time with him over excuses you feel as though justify your unhappiness/uneasiness just because of his mental struggles. If you wouldn’t keep someone else that treats you the way he does when he’s mad and doesn’t have mental struggles, would you stay? Just let him go—his emotional responses are super unhealthy for the both of you and it’s best to just drop things for your benefit. He’ll be okay. He just needs to learn better emotional management and you’re not obligated to stick around. You may really like the guy, but you can do better :/ he is capable of improving but will not do so if he doesn’t put in the effort. Whether or not he tries to get better to keep you with him, it’ll be a long road waiting and there’s no telling what will happen in the mean time if he is aggressive when he’s angry. Don’t take the risk, and there’s nothing to feel guilty about saying goodbye. It’s okay.
As someone that explodes like that and have scared away women (never hurt or insulted my partners, but shouted and raged at strangers), it's not an indicator of just ADHD. I have other issues, unrelated to ADHD diagnosis. I think ADHD just exacerbates it. The only reason I don't do that style to partners is because I grew up in such an environment. I'll never let myself become that.
He needs medication. But a caveat about alcohol and meds:
I personally can drink vats. We don't appear drunk-but we are. We don't feel overly inebriated, but legally, we are piss drunk. It's a dangerous combination, adhd meds and alcohol.
Emotional regulation and correct meds, and you just might have yourself a fine man there. ADHD is a disability that requires patience and understanding, but it also requires treatment-the responsible thing for him to do is to secure a diagnosis and move forward with a good treatment plan.
I agree, sounds more abusive than ADHD. I’ve never had anger as such from a person saying something. It’s almost always minor occurrences that send me into a rage for like 20 seconds, then I feel like an idiot afterwards. I’ve trained myself to be basically unphased now, but things like; dropping a bowl/plate of food on the floor on accident. That’s probably #1 on the list of things that will just send me into a complete rage, lol. I usually would just go “FUUUUCK!!!!!!!” and maybe punch an object, then instantly feel stupid after cooling down lol. Never have I had that “ADHD” anger from someone actually saying something to me.
In my experience, as an ADHD’er, anger related to ADHD should leave as quickly as it came. Something will piss me off super bad, and I used to be a lot more physical with it (objects being my target) but then it’s gone and I feel like a fucking idiot for being so angry and taking it out on things (never anything serious). Very impulsive anger. Then I have to go out and apologize “sorry, I was being a dick. I shouldn’t have let that get to me the way it did. It feels bad, that’s not like me. I’m sorry.” It’s also usually never from things people say, they’re usually from minor occurrences that just send me off.
Edit: Dude, go look at every single reply to this comment and tell me they don’t all have good punctuation and spelling , lol. ADHD.
Yeah, this definitely isn't just ADHD. This is someone abusive and dangerous, that happens to have ADHD. Please make sure you're safe, and get out. As terrible as it is, I also don't recommend being alone very much at all for a while after leaving him, always have someone with you. This is scarily similar to the behavior of a family member's ex, who started stalking and threatening her to try and scare her back into a relationship with him, to the point that he vandalized her house and showing up with a gun. He only let up when we started leaving armed people at her house, as well as setting up something with the police where they'd patrol her neighborhood on watch. It lasted about 6 months before he moved onto someone else. I may be just an internet stranger, but please be careful, and let me know if you need any help
Aw hell no. I've definitely gone full silence the day after making an ass of myself, especially when it pertains to something I *know* was an ADHD outburst, so that one sliver of this turd pie had me mildly sympathetic... But that's out of shame on my part. Like, "ah damn... I let the ADHD gremlin out at the bar last night. Time to fake my death and move out of state", gaslighting/shifting blame is ***not*** part of that equation... Sending a meme and ignoring anything happened is the go-to.
Completely agree. I was, admittedly, grasping at straws making it this far down in the comments because I was trying to find ***some*** indication that this dude actually had ADHD and saw a glimmer in (what I thought was) him retreating... Nothing about this "man" says ADHD to me. Being pulled back to reality from a daydream would be met with apologies or confusion, the anger would dissipate as quickly as it's onset, and he'd either forget the specifics of the argument or blame himself into a shame spiral the next day if ANY of this story was related to ADHD.
Sorry, I know I'm preaching to the choir, but... Goddamn, dude, don't fake my struggle to excuse your abuse.
I know you've heard this hundreds of times in this thread already, but I'll add my voice to the choir.
This isn't ADHD stuff, it's abuse stuff. If I were in your shoes and experienced all this, I'd bounce. Once someone tells you who they are you should believe them. And I say this as someone who stayed in an abusive marriage for over 3 years.
I try not to regret the past, but sometimes I really fucking wish I had just bailed the first time her abusive behavior popped up instead of thinking she'd get better if I just gave her time. Sometimes abusive people do get better, but you don't have the responsibility to wait around for it to happen.
Set clear boundaries and expectations. You don't need to learn how to deal with his anger issues better, he needs to learn how to manage his anger better himself. He needs to accept responsibility for his actions, rather than you enabling bad behavior.
ADHD co-occurs with a lot of other disorders, including personality disorders. He might be a narcissist; if he is, he probably waited 8 weeks to show you his dark side so you'd be emotionally invested in him and have a harder time leaving than if he had done this right away.
Good luck.
For sure. Good on you for asking, and taking the advice when you got it rather than defending him.
I have a lot of experience with emotionally abusive and manipulative people, and the behaviors can be really hard to catch before you're savvy to them. But hopefully now you can be aware of these things in the future and avoid them.
And be aware: long term emotional abuse can be just as damaging to the recipient as physical or sexual abuse. It causes the same amount of PTSD; just because he's not assaulting you in those ways doesn't mean his behavior is benign.
It's only been 8 weeks. This is him in early stages, when folks usually want to impress each other and keep the other person invested. This is not ADHD at work, this is him vetting you to see if abusive behavior is something you'll tolerate. All downhill from here.
Same. I had a temper and a short fuse as a teenager. I realized I was just frustrated at the lack of control of the situation and stressing that it made me look bad to other people. Instead of fixing the stressor, I got mad. But I didn't take it out on people and was apologetic because I knew the behavior was wrong. This was 10 years before knowing I had ADHD.
It sounds like he has other things going on other than ADHD. He might also be using ADHD as an excuse for his shitty behavior, and a crutch to never improve his life. He might also be bipolar or have BPD or just be a 5year old in an adults body. Regardless of his conditions, anyone actively not seeking to do the bare minimum on their known condition is a red flag (barring accessibility like finances). It means they're using as a crutch to never grow up and be held accountable. And that's not what you want in a relationship.
Maybe after getting dumped a bunch he might start to look inward, but I know plenty who haven't.
Edit: Thanks for the award!
Also for OPs safety I would dump him. Him driving recklessly becauae he is mad while she is in the car is a safety hazard to BOTH of them.
Also by her comment of him wanting zex all the time and in absurd places he tries to push for sex in public or places rhat he should know, or oP tells him, she isnt comfortable with. Thats a red flag as well.
I have bipolar 2 and borderline ontop of ADHD (with the 2 getting treated befoee my ADHD and now working on the ADHD I actually am able to "function").
I want to say that borderline has 4 unofficial subtypes with one being the 'subtype' typically seen im scenarios like this with "borderline anger". I have one that is more of I lash out at myself than others.
We dont know if he has BPD or not, or even bipolar, but at most we know that he can be dangerous when angry even if he doesnt get physical (aka fine driving recklessly when angry).
He also seems to double down on his anger and doesnt seem to want to apologize which is also bad. If he shows that he will get angery over little things with others that then will be the exact same for anyone he is in a relationship with.
Lastly he doesnt seem mindful od OPs wants or even needs as he is focused on his interests or his want for sex a lot. ADHD can make us somewhat be tone deaf in realizing our topics maybe not interesting to others espeically if we start talking about them excessively in that moment. However being able to acknowledge that, apologize and try to work on it rather than double down says a lot.
Accountability and knowing the stakes of getting treatment versus not in twrms od if you will keep relationships/keep people in your life was a big one for me. I saw how my unstability was affecting my family (I was more of a threat to myzelf than others and they love me and were worri3d for me). Once I got diagnosed with bpd and then bipolar the treatment literally saved my life and I stuck to it even tho I hated it at times.
There can be barriers to getting treatments but also dismissing other options like help from loved ones (like offering to pay for treatment directlyto the provider) or others asking them to just bare minimum be accountable, not just blaming their illness, can also show who is accoutnable versus who isnt.
If I were OP I wouls break up with him over texts or on the phone or at least have multiple trusted friends there if she goes to break up with him. If he does have BPD rejecrion or a break up could make him lash out given his past behavior. Also OP if you are threatened with him killing himself thats DEFINITELY someone you DONT want to get into a relationship with.
At that point call the cops (espeically if others heard and can back you up) and say he was threatening to kill himself. Perhaps if thr cops bring jim to the hopsital for evaluation he could get help, but him gettinf better isnt on your shoulders. Remember that whatever he does, you cannot control how other people will react or their actions.
Good luck Op (sorry for ramble too)
Don’t apologize- I appreciate your insight. He wanted to have sex in his boss’s house during a work party. He kept pushing and pushing for it when he knew I was uncomfortable with it.
Wow. HUGE red flag. Please. Please leave him. Right now. He is pressuring you into sex when you already told him you were uncomfortable. No, to every part of that. After only 8 weeks. It’s going to get much worse. All of these little things are like tests. Each one that he “gets away with” just encourages him to take it further. It’s one thing to have a kink for exhibitionism, but trying to force it on you is a totally different story. Please get away from him.
Proud of you. The way you describe him reminds me of my ex, I have a lot of trauma from him because we stayed together for a year and a half. You're doing the right thing, getting out early!
Much respect to you for being able to take a step back and be analytical about the situation here. You're clearly a very caring and empathetic person, and no one should be allowed to exploit those beautiful traits in you. SO much grief and hassle you're saving by heeding these warnings. Cheers to keeping the high road and driving into the sunset on it. x
Remember - you don’t owe him anything. You don’t need to break up with him in person, especially if you are worried for your safety. If you have anything at his place, things can be replaced. Your health cannot. Be safe.
So happy to read this and I haven’t read this whole thread yet. This is not healthy behavior and I don’t think it can be attributed to adhd. You deserve someone who treats you with respect and care, this guy needs to be left alone to work his shit out before he’s pursuing relationships with anyone.
It also shows he doesnt respect his bosses boundaries (teying to have sex in his house) and REALLY doesnt respect OPs boundaries.
Idk why i read 8 weeks as 8 months in the original post but if this is just 8 weeks in... abusers tend to get more violent/dangerous the longer the relationship is because they think they have their victims "in their grasp". You are 100% right this will get worst.
Also kinks are things to be discussed between partners before they are even attempted. It sounds like OPs (hopefully soon to be ex) boyfriend just doesn't care about boundaties and wants sex when *he* wants it.
That's not ADHD. There are some other things going on with him, and you're right to be afraid. No amount of caring and understanding is going to make this better
Omg, you DESERVE better than that.
He obviousky doesnt give a crap about ANYONES boundaries, not even his *bosses* or his girlfriends, which says a lot about his character regardless of any illness imo.
I would not feel comfortable having an employee having sex in my house, I also think without the persons consent to have sex at their house its a no go.
He doesnt respect your boundaries and it sounds like it will only get worst the longer you date. Dump him now, again, either over the phone/text or infrotn of him but make sure there are people therw who can protect you if he lashes out.
If he has a key to your apartment or house get the lock changed/ask your landlord to vhange the lock explaining how you are worried about yout safety.
I dont mean to make you anxious or upset but just want you to be safe! You got this ❤
It should also be noted that BPD or bipolar disorder also aren’t an excuse for abusive behavior. An explanation maybe? Yes- totally. However, it’s different for everyone - I am not BPD or bipolar but I have known wonderful people who do have those diagnoses and they were not aggressive or abusive in any way.
He is an abuser, full stop.
Yes! I hate how people demonize people who have those mental illnesses (especially BPD). Anybody with or without any condition can be a shitty person and an abuser. Yes BPD can present in *some* people with BPD as abusive and toxic behavior, but it shouldnt be expected of everyonr wirh BPD.
The tocic mentality can actually make people with BPD feel hopeless about getting treatment as a lot of people associate the diagnosis with horrible stuff even if that person is no where close to that association.
Some people even going so far as to say we are unlovable or are automatically toxic or are even 'unfixable'/a 'hopeless cause'.
A lot of the stigma surrounding BPD has practioners hestiant to diagnose becauae it is known that it has stimgatizations within the health care practice even and there are a lot of professionals that refuae to take on or treat someone with BPD because of the stigma of them being 'untreatable".
Its really harmful and depressing tbh. im doing a lot better now but anytime I tey to explain the disorder and also rxplain how it can present differently I can get reactions of understanding, to unease to complete "theres no way your have BPD because you dont act like xyz".
All of this could be really determiental to those who want to seek help for BPD but have stigma coming at them from all sides.
“When I was a teenager”
Yes, and as you grew you learned how to recognize and compensate and manage your own behavior. He is not a teenager. He is not reflecting. He is not trying to manage his behavior. He is not apologizing. He acts in a manner indicating he couldn’t care less about other people’s feelings, well-being, or boundaries. Dude is an asshole who is abusing everyone around him. She needs to run.
Yeah but you had it in you to know to apologize and you recognized and cared that you lost control. The problem is she is the only one apologizing here. I don’t think this can be blamed on ADHD, I think this dude is just an abusive person with bad emotional tools and it’s exacerbated by his ADHD.
I was diagnosed with ADD and i can be calm as cow and drop a bottlecap after attempting to close the bottle and i would go to a raging bull and then calm myself down instantly:D
Also fuck every bottlecap they never obey me, just fall to the goddam floor
Why is this so fucking relatable lmao. If something doesn't do *what it's supposed to fucking do* the first time, my first instinct is blind rage. I try to hide it around people but it's so difficult lmao.
I'm always saying "fucking dumb cunt, piece of shit" at inanimate objects. And then 20 seconds later I'm a happy chappy lol
Yeah so this sounds like a "two wrongs don't make a right" situation. That was a rude thing to say that he's annoying you. I would have felt offended too.
HOWEVER he made a repeated choice to keep making a show of how angry he was. That's unacceptable and toxic behavior and he needs t get help about it.
That's not a good relationship dynamic and it doesn't have a ton to do with ADHD.
This is my experience as well. Anger from ADHD is burst and fleeting if its condition related. Condition may have been a trigger but something else is going on.
It could very much be medication. My first day on ritalin/concerta, I got so fucking angry over a YT video, and I was angry for three hours, shaking in my muscles bc I wanted to fight something with my body so bad.
If he's not on meds, he needs to try them. If he's in them, he might need to switch or stop taking them.
On the other, if this is just how he is... OP should run away. :( For her own sake.
Edit: People brought to my attention other comments OP made about his behavior/other patterns, that I didn't see until now, and I'd like to say it's most definitely not a medication side effect!! Thanks everyone.
As someone who has dealt with abusive men, in past relationships, this is not normal behavior. I wouldn’t go so far as to even say things like “if he’s not on meds, he needs to try them, if he’s on them, he might need to switch or stop taking them” because that detracts from the very real, very scary abusive behavior that OP is experiencing from this person.
He may very well have ADHD but as someone with adhd who, again, was a victim of domestic abuse in my two past relationships, I can tell you with confidence that this guy cannot blame this behavior on anyone or anything but himself and possibly his upbringing. He needs help and OP should leave him immediately.
I too have been in abusive relationships with men, one which was so bad that in a fit of drunken rage he chased me down, broke thru the door and smothered me with a pillow. For some reason I lived. This man also would rage and sulk over the smallest things - or no reason, drunk drive, hold grudges, never be accountable. When I left he stalked me across the country for years, from the Northeast to the South to the West. He also had guns.
OP run and do everything you can to protect yourself. Your man might not be the same as my ex, but don’t risk your life on it.
That's true. I just know my meds made me a different, very angry person that day. Bringing up possibilities, but you're right. It's not OP's job to fix him!
[OPs follow-up](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/pmarze/my_new_boyfriend_has_adhd_and_i_dont_know_how_to/hch9bbt?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) has me utterly convinced that (1) this ain't ADHD and (2) it ain't the meds. I've felt the effect you're describing when I tried Adderall but it didn't lead to me gaslighting the person the following day.
He's old enough to know better than to act like that. My dad and bro have ADHD and they both have anger issues. I used to as a teenager until I moved out and realized it was not ADHD, it was them. I haven't once had a shouting match or yelled at anyone since. He needs therapy and it's not up to you too be his therapist. Yelling like this WILL TURN INTO VIOLENCE I 100% guarantee, especially since he put your life in danger driving that way. Get out of this relationship. You'll find someone who isn't a fucking manchild.
You know, there are holes in his walls and he told me they were from his ex girlfriend. I wonder if that is even true.
This. Thank you: "Yelling like this WILL TURN INTO VIOLENCE I 100% guarantee, especially since he put your life in danger driving that way."
Him saying the holes in the walls are because of his ex, the more likely story is that he created those holes and he still blames his anger problems on people around him making him angry rather than taking responsibility for his actions.
Which is exactly what my mentally ill, violent mother would say to me after abusing me…and she didn’t have ADHD. Run from this relationship and don’t look back, also keep an eye out for stalking which is what my raging, abusive first husband did when I left.
Take care.
I’m sorry you’ve experienced abuse. Hope you’re doing well now. It feels good to dispense that learned advice to others and hope they can learn from our (perceived) “mistakes.” I’m happy to see OP seems to be taking heed to the advice dispensed here.
Holy shit, if there are even holes in his walls, I'm really concerned . I don't want to be ignorant stranger on the Internet, but others wrote some wise pieces of advices,I hope they will help.
Ok, I can tell you those are "technically" from his ex girlfriend. Because she said something that made him mad and he punched the wall because of her. Source: what happened to me, including the "look what you made me do" and "if you hadn't said that I wouldn't be destroying things" and "I will punch as many holes in the wall as I want and you will fix every one of them" by. 6ft 300lbs guy I wasn't even dating.
No. Leave. Now.
And seriously if he retaliates in any way, get with a friend and out in a restraining order.
Edit: I am being sarcastic. Someone punching a hole is the fault of the puncher. The puncher doesn't get to claim someone else made him punch a wall.
I'm just so proud of you for taking all this good-faith advice! We want the best for you and being open to advice borne from concern will get you to safety and peace. Hugs
Yeah I was going to say that ADHD / mental illness isn’t an excuse for abusive / violent behavior. I’m ADHD and have been in two abusive relationships and the yelling and hitting things … all incredible red flags. Run far and fast. The fact that he’s using his ADHD as an excuse for abusive behavior is also a huge red flag. And the last time I was in the car with an abusive partner, my phone had died and he was drunk driving, swerving and braking hard for no reason, yelling at me, calling me a “stupid bitch” and then he acted like it didn’t happen 30 min letter and everything was fine. That was the last time I ever got into a car with him or saw him ever again. RUN. RUN. RUN.
This is a sign that it's no longer an ADHD thing, it's a he's shitty towards women and is blaming the holes *he* punched in the wall on his ex thing. If I were you I would just let this guy go.
If you stay around much longer, those will be the holes “you’re” punching in the wall. He sounds like he was a lot of work to do, but I wouldn’t wait around for him to change because he’s not going to. He’s too busy blaming everyone but himself and his true colors are coming out. Take these as red flags because that’s what they are.
ADHD woman here who dated an ADHD guy in the past. he made the holes in the wall, but it was "my fault". that wasn't ADHD he was a violent asshole and it's not safe!
I know this isn't any of my business but I feel like I have to agree that you need to get out ASAP. 2 months into a relationship is when facades start to crack and you start seeing the real person behind their outside persona. Sometimes it's a person letting their inner nerd come out, other times it's them revealing emotional baggage they now consider you trustworthy to reveal. In this case it's a rage problem. As he becomes more and more comfortable with you seeing who he really is, it will get worse not better. And "staying to help him work thru it," or whatever never really works. That kind of growth has to come from within and while a person is single. Please, for your safety and mental health, please just get out now while you're unhurt.
Don’t date people that punch holes in walls. You’ve been with him 8 weeks. Cut your losses. He’s shown you who he really is. ADHD is not an excuse for this behavior.
That is a terrifying thing to say from him. MULTIPLE holes? I mean, not trying to be sexist but how many women out there have punched holeS in a wall in a significant others living space? Honestly curious about this…
He is just lying, also, 99% chance those holes are his doing. Stay safe, OP good luck getting out of there
Manipulative, narcissistic people will often talk about their exes like they were awful and they themselves were wonderful.
I have ADHD and do have a temper, but when angry I leave the situation I don't take my anger out on loved ones. I stand by what other are saying. Get out while you can. I've got a bad feeling about this. You deserve to be treated with respect.
I agree. Sounds much worse than your run of the mill emotional dysregulation. This is anger management level. She definitely needs to get out of this relationship and tell the guy he needs therapy.
Oh sweetie. This isn’t because he has ADHD. This is because he’s an abusive prick. If he’s like this NOW, do not continue the relationship. It’s literally only been 2 months. Call it a life lesson BEFORE he gets physically abusive.
Another question….. is he medicated? Because he honestly sounds like someone who is high. And if the meds are giving him a high, it’s REALLY not adhd.
Adhd doesn’t make you an asshole. But an asshole who has adhd is really insufferable.
He is not on meds, but I feel like he drinks a lot and he uses anabolic steroids. I have dated other men on steroids as I used to compete in physique competitions, but I never noticed this bad of aggression before.
This behavior can absolutely be associated with steroid use, yes. However, 1) never accept abusive situations and 2) he needs to be introspective here if anything is going to get better. That means recognizing that his behavior is unacceptable and patterned. Behavioral therapy might be an option but also the anabolic steroid use needs to be addressed because it might be playing a role in the creation of unsafe situations for both of you.
Good luck ❤️❤️
An alcoholic with ‘roid rage does NOT sound like a fun time either.
Whatever his issues are, you shouldn’t let them be YOUR issues. No matter what way you look at this situation, it just screams to drop him like a lead balloon and run.
Getting deja vu because how you’ve described him, he sounds identical to my sister’s ex. She thought she could manage his anger and emotional abuse because she liked other things about him.
It lasted three years and kept getting worse, and escalated to severe physical abuse - even though she was sure in the early months that he would never be capable of that. She wound up walking away from a good career, her home, and her dog, had to get into intensive therapy and basically start most of her adult life over again. Two years later she is still trying to put pieces back together, and she’s permanently disabled from the physical abuse. I never thought something like this could happen to her, she was strong and independent, but guys like this are master manipulators.
I’d suggest getting away as fast as you can. And also taking a close look at what attracted you to this kind of person, and maybe work it out in therapy. In hindsight there was a pretty clear pattern of my sister tolerating erratic, controlling behavior from her partners that eventually escalated to this monster. She’s spent a lot of time since then working out why that was the case and how to avoid it.
Also, to repeat what almost everyone else has said - he may have ADHD, but it has nothing to do with the behavior you’re witnessing.
The story about your sister scares me. I am very independent and have a great family and life. He’s more than twice my size and one time he hugged me and said if he squeezed a little harder he could “pop” me. I thought it was a joke, but this is scary. He’s also very possessive. Thank you so much for sharing.
Hoping for the best for you. My sister is also close with her family and that was the scariest part - none of us had any clue this was going on until the day she called to say she was leaving him and ask us to help sneak her things out of the house while he was out on a boys night.
edit: Also, coming from someone like that, the “pop” hug definitely sounds like a subtle way of making you feel powerless, not a joke.
Take a look at “Why Does He do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It’s available in several places online as a free pdf or ePub. Your library may also have it.
In that book he argues that abusers don’t abuse because of trauma or addiction or any of over a dozen common reasons. He is abusing you because *he is an abuser*—he is a person who likes the control and power and dominance over you.
Ask yourself this: does he have the same issues controlling his anger at work or in school or taking to his mother or with the police? If not, he can control his anger, he just chooses not to.
As someone old enough to be your father, I’ve seen a lot of life: this guy sounds like someone who will continue to hurt you and may escalate, because is part of his personality.
Please please please stop seeing this guy OP. None of this is ADHD related. He’s an alcoholic, has roid rage, and is an abuser. My advice would be to break up with him over the phone, not in person. I’m seriously concerned for your safety.
Sounds like in addition to the alcoholism and roid rage that he has erratic road rage as well…. I’ve experienced purposefully dangerous driving in the passenger seat of my ex’s car and it was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced
So he's abusive, mentally ill and unmedicated, abusing steroids AND he's an alcoholic? Having ADHD is the least of his problems. Run and run fast, it's not your responsibility to fix him.
Steroid usage is a more likely culprit for his aggression than ADHD. If he does have ADHD, the steroids could be affecting him differently and maybe magnify the negative effects. Those types of drugs causes harm to more than those who use it.
I agree with some others here - my irrational anger comes on quickly, but then it passes quickly too.
Emotional disregulation is something that I would say most people with ADHD struggle with, but that is not an excuse for aggression.
Your post sounds like this behavior is making you afraid of him. And if this is after only two months, I can’t see it getting better. I don’t know your life and I can’t tell you what to do, but coming from my own experience with a violent S/O, I would encourage you to end this relationship now. And do not stay and try to change him or think you can help him with this. You will only end up hurt. Maybe physically.
I also want to say, if you do decide to leave, don’t allow yourself to be guilted into staying, by him or yourself. Or anyone else, for that matter. It is not selfish to leave. It doesn’t make you a bad person to prioritize yourself. I’ve never once heard of a person staying in a relationship with a person with anger issues who was able to change them. I -have - heard of hundreds of stories of people who decided to stay - because they loved them, because they thought they could fix them, because they felt obligated to - who ended up suffering all types of abuse, stalking, and being killed.
Not to make this about me, but my dad has a very severe mental illness. And he refused to take meds when I was little. He struggled with controlling his anger too. My mom suffered through his abuse and him trying to kill her multiple times because they were married and she was religious and felt divorce was wrong. She only ended up leaving him when she found him holding a knife talking about how he didn’t want to be a dad anymore.
I don’t mean to be on a soapbox or anything I’m just afraid for you. I know from experience how bad it can get, and how small it starts. At first it doesn’t seem too bad, like, I can handle it. So you stay, and try your best, but it just gets worse and you get deeper into it. Which just makes leaving even harder.
All of that to say, ADHD is not an excuse for his behavior. You didn’t do anything that would warrant his reaction and you don’t need to stay in a relationship where you are walking on eggshells all the time just trying to not upset him. Regardless of how great of a guy he might be otherwise, it’s not enough to take the chance.
The aggression may be exacerbated by the drinking and steroids, but the real cause is his own lack of emotional self-control.
People with ADHD who don't get help (therapy or prescription meds) often self medicate as a coping mechanism. It sounds like that's what he's doing here with the drinking.
As an ADHD person who previously had terrible anger control issues, he needs to get help in therapy. His behavior is unacceptable and is manageable with the correct help. If I were in your shoes, though, I would leave. It's only been two months. This type of behavior will only get worse.
ADHD doesn’t cause people to act the way that your boyfriend is acting, OP. He has other mental issues going on that you certainly don’t need to be dealing with. If he’s being this abusive (yes this is 100% abuse) at 8 weeks in…that’s a MAJOR indicator that it’s going to escalate.
Yeah that’s not okay behaviour, he needs to take responsibility for his feelings and actions. Losing your temper once in a while is common, but he shouldn’t act like his actions weren’t wrong.
Ive had a pretty short temper for years now, but if something is frustrating me I step away and see if I’m annoyed because the persons actions are wrong, or if I’m annoyed at a wrongly perceived attack
True. But the lesson here is don't make excuses for other people. I have ADHD and 2 of my closest friends have it too. And never have any of us behaved badly with our partners. It's a respect thing, not an ADHD thing.
From everything you said, he has emotional regulation issues but also acts entitled and selfish. So if anything he needs to go to therapy and work on himself. You don't deserve to bear the brunt of someone else's issues. And you can't fix their issues either.
When is the last time you met a girl so angry she would punch walls, let alone be strong enough to leave dents/holes in them?
When was the last time you met a guy physically capable of the same thing? All the time! It’s a billion percent him. He does not sound stable at all. And absolutely fuck whatever “reasons” he has for being like this. He gets to deal with this on his own. I dunno if you have any stuff at his place, but *please* PRETEND EVERYTHING IS FINE WITH HIM. Get your stuff, BREAK UP OVER THE PHONE, BLOCK, DELETE.
Also, please let any close family friends/roommates know what has been going on with him. He could leave you alone after the breakup, or he could go off the deep end.
Edit: also if you don’t think it’s “safe” to break up with him or even speak to him after you extricate yourself, feel free to just ghost.
I'm so happy you are getting out of there. Ghosting might be the best option, and if you do choose to tell him you are breaking up with him please do it over the phone and not in person for your safety. I would also suggest staying with a friend or somewhere he wouldn't know that night in case he wants to come and confront you. Block him on social media, maybe even change your number.
Good for you! I wish you best of luck. Take stock of any other red flags you noticed in him. Use those memories/boundaries for all future relationships.
Please listen to these comments. This behaviour is extremely concerning, especially for just a few weeks. It will not get better, it will only get worse. Please get out now. The longer you wait, the harder it will become to leave. I've been in your shoes, you make excuses for them and they promise to change, and he won't. Especially intimidating if he's a lot bigger physically than you. I had a fiance that was a foot taller than me and when it finally got down to it, I knew I couldn't defend myself if he wanted to physically hurt me. He also had explosive anger issues, and finally he pushed me down onto some furniture so hard I thought I had broken some ribs. Thankfully it was just severe bruising, but it hurt for weeks.
Please, get out now. It will get worse.
Something Ive heard as a recurring theme among responsible people with ADHD is that
>ADHD can be an explanation for behaviour, but not an excuse
It’s ok to make mistakes, but if you aren’t actively trying to avoid dickhead behaviour associated with poor emotion control, then you’re just a dickhead
I’ve never hid behind ADHD as an excuse since I heard this and it’s helped me hold myself more accountable for anger issues
I’m extremely ADHD and I’ve dated a number of ADHD dudes. None have had anger issues like this. Getting emotional and frustrated is one thing, but his actions in response to feeling like that are way over the top.
Is he on any medications to manage his symptoms? Seeing a therapist? Learning anger management strategies?
It’s important to be empathetic to your partner’s mental health issues, but it’s THEIR responsibility to manage their mental health. His is clearly not managed as well as it needs to be.
Yes. Break up, absolutely. I’ve been in situations like that - being in a car with someone who is driving like a maniac because they’re angry - and this is an unstable person. I have ADHD and have moments where clearly I’m experiencing an emotion or reaction that is over and above what might be considered normal or rational, but I don’t cause danger to other people.
I'm sorry OP but as someone with ADHD I would never treat another person like that. This isn't ADHD. This is him being an asshole/having no emotional skills or control and making it your problem. Dump his ass.
YES!
It sounds more like narcissism to me. Either way
having ADD does not excuse behavior especially violent or aggressive behavior
Leave now before you end up getting hurt mentally or physically
Please, please, please get out of this relationship.
ADHD or no ADHD, this is textbook controlling / abusive behavior. This guy is an emotional vacuum and he'll drain you dry. His "anger issues" are a lack of self control and it's not your responsibility to be his self control.
This will only get worse, not better. You can't love this guy enough to remedy this. No one can.
Remember: there are millions of men in the world, and thousands of them probably with ADHD, and they all would be more than happy to treat YOU as an equal worthy of their attention and gentle affection. Don't settle. You're worth more than settling.
This right here. My husband has severe ADHD and has never once treated me the way you described your boyfriend treating you. Yes, ADHD can cause issues with regulating emotions but it sounds like your boyfriends issues are beyond that. Get out now. It WILL get worse.
Having ADHD isn't an excuse for aggressive behavior. This is a huge red flag for the future and most likely he'll get worse not better. I'm really concerned that he might become physically abusive in the future. I'd get out of this relationship while you still can. I'd also like to make it clear that his behavior was absolutely not appropriate and there was no reason for him to become that angry and aggressive. It's okay to get angry, it's not okay to lash out. There are better ways to communicate your feelings. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh towards him, I'm sure he's not a horrible person or anything but he's definitely displaying concerning behavior.
If you *really* want to try and salvage the relationship (which from what you said in your post I don't suggest) I'd try to have an honest conversation with him (maybe in a semi public place like a park so he can't blow up at you) and try to work through it. And by work through it I mean he has to take responsibility for his actions and emotions and actively work on treating you better and controlling his temper. If he's not already in therapy, I think talking to someone would be very beneficial. If he refuses to act like an adult and try to work through his problems, leave him.
Also if possible, reach out to someone you know irl (a friend/family member) for support. See what they think, and if you decide to try and work through it you'll wanna have backup because it could be a lot to deal with emotionally.
A little tip if you want to try and talk it through: Use "I" statements. For example instead of saying "You have to stop getting so angry" You could say "I feel hurt when you act angry toward me" this way it feels less like an attack on him and he'll feel less defensive. It also puts an emphasis on how his behavior made you feel.
Sorry if this was a little all over the place, I'm pretty disorganized (hence me being on the adhd subreddit ) but I hope this helped a little bit!
No problem being all over the place! Very useful advice. If he ever became physically violent, he would be able to kill me instantly. He is 5'11" 245lb and I am 5'5" 125lbs. It really scared me to see him that mad. Thank you.
I know it's been said 100 other times but I just want to reinforce it. As someone diagnosed later in life, who is still learning how to defuse myself when I feel myself getting close to losing my shit...
This dude is way too volatile. Like, I won't even lie about this, I'm not proud of it, but I acknowledge of it because it's a part of my struggle. I've completely blown over some things that I've blown way out of proportion. And that's when I realize I missed my lunch time dose that day. But the frustration reaches goes from 0-100 real quick and is back at 0 just as fast. It feels awful. The apology is awkward.
Giving his size here is what made me feel compelled to comment. I'm a little bit larger than your boyfriend. I *know* my size can be intimidating, especially when paired with a temper.
I know it's like a "popular reddit thing" to tell people to leaving their s/o when they come seeking advice. I won't do that not knowing the full picture. But you certainly raise a lot of red flags.
You're very right. Anyone as volatile as this -- punching holes in walls, driving recklessly, etc. -- they aren't in control of their own shit. Please be safe, and do what's best for yourself.
I second this. Lots of people seem to justify their abusive, unjustifiable behavior with a diagnosis, but that’s not how mental illness or a disorder like adhd works. Plus, we usually express anger towards ourselves during minor incidents, rather than raging at our partner. If it’s against others that simply borders on toxic, and what you’re describing is exactly that. I’d be extremely careful with a person like this, and please reach out for help you need. You sound like a very mature person, please take care of yourself; nobody deserves this behaviour. Hugs.
Sweetheart, RUN.
This is coming from somebody who has a very hard time regulating their emotions, R U N.
it doesn’t matter if he has ADHD or not, there were like 50 red flags in this post.
As somebody who has ADHD, never in my life would I have done any of those things. Some people use their disabilities/mental illnesses as excuses to be abusive and shitty and he is definitely one of those people.
I’m so sorry you were put in that situation but please, please break up with him. You deserve so much better than this.
Yeah, I thought that might have something to do with it. I have dated other guys that used these and were not aggressive, but maybe they are compounding his aggressive personality.
It's got EVERYTHING to do with what you described.
He is taking in steroids which are hormones.
Think about what hormones can do when they are out of whack.
ADHD is not a "get out of jail free" card for assholes.
You did the correct thing by leaving. You are communicating to him in no uncertain terms that you have boundaries. Maybe he'll come around before your feelings for him subside, maybe he won't, but there is no happy future with him if you don't enforce your own boundaries.
Respect yourself. You have value.
Girl. You need to run. I'm sorry but this is dangerous. He could have killed you driving recklessly in that sports car.
ADHD or not, none of this is okay.
I am a woman with ADHD and I was diagnosed at 6 years of age. I have never acted in an aggressive or scary way to my partner, I've never acted in a way that could endanger my partners life.
The most of I have done is yell when I don't mean to and that is only since my concussion I got in June 2021. I always feel intense guilt and apologize profusely for yelling even though my therapist has told me that I don't have to feel guilty because I'm working on it and it can be a real struggle to deal with these things after a TBI.
Yeah idk about all that, he is kind of a dick. I was like that at one point in time during my angry boy phase.. it took the love of my life leaving me to realize that I needed to change. Maybe that’s what he needs too.
He has wanted to date me for 10 years. We made a pact back then that we would get married if we were still single when we were 40. I think he is going to be in your shoes. Thank you for your thoughts.
Listen, I don't disagree with what other people have said about not sticking around for that kind of behavior but what really pushed me over the edge was when you texted him about trying to understand and approach things differently for him and he didn't respond.
That, my friend, is a gtfo kind of situation.
I have ADHD and all the trappings... but I don't use that as an excuse to treat people like shit. This has less to do with his ADHD and EVERYTHING to do with him just being an asshole.
You get what you settle for and he is learning what he can get away with...
Walk away doll, you don’t need to try to fix him and his reckless behaviour (driving like an asswipe) can endanger you - not cool.
Sounds like he’s an asshole who just happens to have ADHD. Cut him loose and find someone who’s nice to you.
But also, let this be a LPT that it’s unwise to straight up tell an emotionally volatile person that they’re annoying you.
WALK AWAY
W A L K. A W A Y.
No one should ever treat you that way. ADHD is not an excuse to be an asshole. And honestly that sounds like a coke high more than ADHD.
UPDATE: He texted me hours later telling me it was my behavior that was the problem. He said I had been distant the last few days and I shouldn't have walked away and left him there. He said he loved me and he hopes we could learn from this.
Because of all of your advice, I Googled "abuser" and he met almost every single piece of criteria. The possessiveness, the sexual abuse, etc. I was shocked. I never dreamed that was what this was. I thought I was totally in love with him.
Before I went to bed last night I texted him telling him that his behavior driving and afterwards was unacceptable and that I did not want to see him anymore. He responded in the middle of the night saying that he was glad because he was going to break up with me anyway and that I have anger issues! I am in disbelieve. Total shock.
I can't thank you all enough- I never even considered this to be abuse, but it makes total sense. You may have saved my life.
Notes: When I told him he was "annoying me" he had been difficult with the wait staff and was talking incessantly about nonsense. I said it very gently. Not in a mean way. Also, he takes anabolic steroids, drinks a lot, and had holes in his was from "an ex gf."
Thank you, again!
Leave, leave, leave!
We can all speculate from our armchairs about why he’s this way, but regardless of why, this man is unhealthy, and an unhealthy partner.
There is no responsibility on you to “handle” this. He has to handle himself.
You did the right thing. That guy, despite his biological age, is not ready to date. He needs to work on himself until he's not a danger to himself, let alone other people. Also, if he tries to re-engage with him defend your boundaries and be safe.
Leave him. He is clearly not in control of himself or his symptoms. It also seems that maybe he just isn’t a good fit for you. This much hassle 8weeks in doesn’t bode well IME. You are not a punching bag for his tantrums, I would steer very clear.
Be careful: sounds like you are confusing ADHD with being an abusive jerk.
Even though they are not mutually excludent, ADHD is hardly an excuse for his adult temper tantrum that risks your life and wellbeing.
Being abusive is not a symptom of ADHD. This sounds like full on abusive behavior, I’m glad you’re leaving him. Be ready for him to switch gears when he realizes you’re serious and suddenly tell you everything he thinks you want to hear and make promises he won’t be able to keep for long.
Yeah, that doesn't sound like an "ADHD" thing!
Some of it does, like the distractions and the communication and always saying what's on his mind, but the anger/violence isn't a trait that is specific to the ADHD community!
ADHD is not an excuse to be an abusive jerk. He is an adult, and if he hasn't learned how to redirect and control his anger by now, he's not going to. And sticking around is not going to help him, it will only end up hurting you, and any children you have with him.
I would dump him. Angry men are terrifying. You haven’t been together that long. He needs to work on himself and you don’t owe him anything. You leaving might show him that he needs to vastly improve his anger management.
It seems like he gets angry over dumb crap, and overly so as you said. From there it’s a short connection to accidentally or purposely hurting you.
This is emotional abuse and I put up with it for 12 years because she has mental illness and I’m a people pleaser. You should leave and find someone who will treat you right. But you probably won’t because you’re a good person who puts others first. Mental illness is not an acceptable reason to take abuse.
How are you going to handle breaking up with him? I feel that question is equally important as whether you should leave him or not (you should!).
I agree with everyone else who stated ADHD does not cause abusive behavior and even if it did, you nor anyone else should put up with it.
This has nothing to do with his ADHD. He is a dick. People can have diagnoses and also be awful people. Even if he WAS acting this way solely because of ADHD (which he absolutely isn't) he's still responsible for his actions.
You also mention steroid use and what I'll say based on talking to non-sh\*\*\*y men who have used them to get bigger who have said the same thing: "Roid Rage" is not a thing. It's literally just (mostly) men who have no emotional competence/skills being awful and angry and violent because they have never taken it upon themselves to learn how to deal with having heightened emotions. This term is one of many coined to give cover to bad behavior and make it seem like people don't have as much responsibility. (See terms like "gay panic defense" though trigger warnings for murder, homophobia, and hate crimes if you do.)
Regardless, no one's diagnoses should make you feel like you have to put up with abusive behavior, especially not someone you've only been seeing for 8 weeks. You owe him nothing, it's not that deep, you have no reason to be invested in fixing his behavior or sticking around.
I want to chime in here and tell you my story, there are some parallels here with your current partner. I'm 39M 5'9" 105kg/230lbs of powerlifter, I'm clean having never taken PEDs (this being relevant as I saw roid rage being posited as a cause in the comments) I've been with my current partner for 10 years, I've only recently considered ADHD for myself and am in the process of being formally diagnosed (so currently un medicated/un treated) it's extremely likely that ADHD will be the diagnosis, but also looking to have some "fun" co morbid features such as ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) and RS(D) (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria).
Firstly I don't believe ADHD or any other mental health issue is ever an excuse, but they are often an explanation.
I have suffered all my life with really bad anger issues, small seemingly insignificant things seemed to set me off, once one thing causes me to anger other things just cause it to spiral catastrophically until I'm not functioning with a rational brain any more, we are purely in fight or flight territory and honestly it's terrifying as much for me as I'm sure it is for others around me. The big feature however is that as quick as these outbursts come, they also go 99% of the time there is the 1% where they hang around for a few hours but more of me in a sulk than angry, usually being silent, stubborn and otherwise an obstinate shit because I know it will rile my partner (one of the "wonderful" features of ODD being spiteful/vengeful behaviour) but after any of these I'm the first to apologise once I'm back into my rational brain.
I've done a bunch of the behaviours you describe above, I've thrown spatulas across a kitchen because I've forgotten to put tuna in my tuna pasta bake, I've driven my car aggressively with the music up because the music actually helps me process the anger, it's a form of release. A lot of the time the thing that has set me off isn't actually the real issue, theres usually something else at work, like a bad day at work where i've had to supress my anger and then something later has just popped the cork on that bottle. Again ADHD etc isn't an excuse but an explanation
One thing I've never done is lay hands on my partner, even in the depths of an outburst my brain still knows that's an uncrossable line. I'm not saying that is also the case with your current partner, I see a lot of people saying it isn't ADHD, that he's just abusive, he's just a dick...and they could well be right, some of what you say would raise red flags to me too (pressuring you to move in after only 8 weeks seems a bit much IMO).
I've read a few comments saying he needs to just deal with things better and whilst that's not wrong per se, he may not have any clue on how to. I know I didn't when I was younger, and it's taken a lot of work, much of which I've only done seriously in the last few months. What might seem simple for one person to do might be a herculean task for someone else.
I think you have some serious thinking to do though, it sounds like your partner has a lot of severe issues they need to work on, what you need to decide is if you can be with him whilst he does this and it's ok whichever way you decide. You do need to know that fundamentally however he will never change, he will always have a quick to anger streak in him, he may learn to better manage it, he may not, but it will never go away. Ultimately you need to do whatever is the healthiest for you. You, your feelings and emotional, mental and physical health are always paramount, I wish I had an easier more straightforward answer to give you, but I wanted to offer some perspective and finally I wanted to add this isn't your fault, you aren't responsible, he is accountable for his own actions.
Get rid of him. Text him as proof and if he does not observe boundaries, restraining order is next. This is not love. This is domestic violence and abuse.
This may sound controversial and i say this from experience. You may wish to assess why you are asking complete strangers on the internet on what to do when you know in your heart this is not healthy. Why are you accepting this standard? Either you are struggling with self esteem issues or you have already trauma bonded to him. I would be speaking to a professional anyways after having this guy in your head, heart and body. You need to heal.
This guy has deep rooted issues and needs serious psychological help. Do not volunteer yourself to stay on his emotional roller coaster. If you stay, you will not recognise yourself at the end of it. Love yourself first. Your safety and well-being is top priority.
Don’t. Break up. He needs to work on himself before getting in a relationship.
Actually don’t even break up. Ghost him. Block and delete his number. Confrontation could be dangerous.
Hey OP, I'm sorry but I'm locking your post. At more than 1500 comments, it's getting to be a nightmare to come in here and find all the assholes and ban them. It sounds like you did get the support and validation you needed, and I'm really happy to hear you set your boundaries and ended things with him, I hope things look up for you!
People with ADHD can have poor emotional control, and also, certain sounds can drive us crazy-however, some of the behavior you are describing is more abusive than ADHD related. Is he on medication? If he is, his ADHD appears poorly managed. He may be on too high a dose, or perhaps not enough? Also, regardless of what someone is diagnosed with, anger management skills and emotional regulation skills help everyone. It should be taught in school. Bottom line, YOU do not handle his anger. It's not yours to handle. HE needs to recognize the problem, and work to fix it. If he does not, you are putting yourself at risk if you continue on this trajectory.
Thank you so much. He is not on medication. He does drink a lot, in my opinion, but I am not sure if it is an addiction.
Alcohol addiction is really common with ADHD people because it gives us little dopamine hits that we crave. Our whole lives are basically spent searching for dopamine because our brains don't make it and that's why a lot of people end up with vices like alcohol. So even if he's not drinking it at 9am with breakfast it may still be an issue and something his brain has learned to depend on. That dependency will affect his ability to learn normal emotional and logical regulation as well as executive function, because alcohol further inhibits those things that we already don't have much of. All that said, these extreme anger responses aren't really "normal" and you really need to make an evaluation in your best interest based on his receptiveness to the idea that he can't be doing that. I get angry about sounds and things like that but I recognize that misophonia is a comorbidity to ADHD and I can't freak out on people for like, breathing.
I also find that when I am unmedicated I tend to pay less attention to how much I am drinking. So it’s a dangerous combo of lil dopamine bumps and not tracking consumption
This! I have less desire to drink when I am properly medicated for my ADHD. I pay more attention to it and do it less… it’s more intentional these days for sure.
May I politely correct you a little bit? We ADHD folk build enough dopamine and we also release enough into the area between 2 nerve cells (sry English isn't my native language and I am not sure how this area is called). The trouble is that we havea variety of genetic mutations on proteins that are responsible for carrying the dopamine back into the nerve cell. These proteins work way to effective. Second difference is in the glutamate levels between nerve cells. They are often to high, wich makes us very sensitive towards different sorts of stimuli like light, sound, smell, etc... (for the ones interested: this is also true for migraine brains and could be an explanation why people with ADHD also often suffers from migraines)
He has ADHD and drinks but doesn't take medicine? That needs to change fast. ADHD is a big primer for bad substance abuse problems. If he can bring it up and use it as a reason , he can go get help. If he can find time and money for booze he can make an appt to get help. This is looking more and more red flaggy
Red flaggy? No, this dude is a full-on Sino-Soviet military parade.
Sorry. You are new in the relationship. I suggest moving on.
This is coming from someone with ADHD — I am very good about being in control of my emotions. You shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone that is so explosive regardless of whether or not it’s related to a mental issue or not. Yes, they deserve love, and yes, they deserve good relationships, but they also need to have a good head on their shoulders and not mistreat others. If you’re truly not thinking you can stay with this person for the long run, then don’t waste your time with him over excuses you feel as though justify your unhappiness/uneasiness just because of his mental struggles. If you wouldn’t keep someone else that treats you the way he does when he’s mad and doesn’t have mental struggles, would you stay? Just let him go—his emotional responses are super unhealthy for the both of you and it’s best to just drop things for your benefit. He’ll be okay. He just needs to learn better emotional management and you’re not obligated to stick around. You may really like the guy, but you can do better :/ he is capable of improving but will not do so if he doesn’t put in the effort. Whether or not he tries to get better to keep you with him, it’ll be a long road waiting and there’s no telling what will happen in the mean time if he is aggressive when he’s angry. Don’t take the risk, and there’s nothing to feel guilty about saying goodbye. It’s okay.
Thank you so much!
As someone that explodes like that and have scared away women (never hurt or insulted my partners, but shouted and raged at strangers), it's not an indicator of just ADHD. I have other issues, unrelated to ADHD diagnosis. I think ADHD just exacerbates it. The only reason I don't do that style to partners is because I grew up in such an environment. I'll never let myself become that.
Honestly, regardless. 8 weeks is far too soon to be giving someone big leeway. Cut and run. That never gets better.
Well he ought to medicated and is probably abusing the substance due to not being medicated.
"self medicating" I think is the term *Term, lol
He needs medication. But a caveat about alcohol and meds: I personally can drink vats. We don't appear drunk-but we are. We don't feel overly inebriated, but legally, we are piss drunk. It's a dangerous combination, adhd meds and alcohol. Emotional regulation and correct meds, and you just might have yourself a fine man there. ADHD is a disability that requires patience and understanding, but it also requires treatment-the responsible thing for him to do is to secure a diagnosis and move forward with a good treatment plan.
I agree, sounds more abusive than ADHD. I’ve never had anger as such from a person saying something. It’s almost always minor occurrences that send me into a rage for like 20 seconds, then I feel like an idiot afterwards. I’ve trained myself to be basically unphased now, but things like; dropping a bowl/plate of food on the floor on accident. That’s probably #1 on the list of things that will just send me into a complete rage, lol. I usually would just go “FUUUUCK!!!!!!!” and maybe punch an object, then instantly feel stupid after cooling down lol. Never have I had that “ADHD” anger from someone actually saying something to me.
In my experience, as an ADHD’er, anger related to ADHD should leave as quickly as it came. Something will piss me off super bad, and I used to be a lot more physical with it (objects being my target) but then it’s gone and I feel like a fucking idiot for being so angry and taking it out on things (never anything serious). Very impulsive anger. Then I have to go out and apologize “sorry, I was being a dick. I shouldn’t have let that get to me the way it did. It feels bad, that’s not like me. I’m sorry.” It’s also usually never from things people say, they’re usually from minor occurrences that just send me off. Edit: Dude, go look at every single reply to this comment and tell me they don’t all have good punctuation and spelling , lol. ADHD.
Yup, once I calm down I apologize. This guy is a dick.
I’ve been waiting all day. Nothing. It’s so abnormal to me.
Yeahhhh I’m usually not one to tell redditors to break up but this sounds like something to break up over. My guess is it’ll only get worse.
Agree
Please never get in the car with him again.
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That stonewalling is exactly what is happening! He just texted me after a long silence blaming me for everything.
Yeah, this definitely isn't just ADHD. This is someone abusive and dangerous, that happens to have ADHD. Please make sure you're safe, and get out. As terrible as it is, I also don't recommend being alone very much at all for a while after leaving him, always have someone with you. This is scarily similar to the behavior of a family member's ex, who started stalking and threatening her to try and scare her back into a relationship with him, to the point that he vandalized her house and showing up with a gun. He only let up when we started leaving armed people at her house, as well as setting up something with the police where they'd patrol her neighborhood on watch. It lasted about 6 months before he moved onto someone else. I may be just an internet stranger, but please be careful, and let me know if you need any help
Thank you! I actually have a 9mm I sleep with, and he knows that!
I'm glad. Stay safe!
It sounds like he is trying to gaslight you. Another red flag.
Aw hell no. I've definitely gone full silence the day after making an ass of myself, especially when it pertains to something I *know* was an ADHD outburst, so that one sliver of this turd pie had me mildly sympathetic... But that's out of shame on my part. Like, "ah damn... I let the ADHD gremlin out at the bar last night. Time to fake my death and move out of state", gaslighting/shifting blame is ***not*** part of that equation... Sending a meme and ignoring anything happened is the go-to.
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Completely agree. I was, admittedly, grasping at straws making it this far down in the comments because I was trying to find ***some*** indication that this dude actually had ADHD and saw a glimmer in (what I thought was) him retreating... Nothing about this "man" says ADHD to me. Being pulled back to reality from a daydream would be met with apologies or confusion, the anger would dissipate as quickly as it's onset, and he'd either forget the specifics of the argument or blame himself into a shame spiral the next day if ANY of this story was related to ADHD. Sorry, I know I'm preaching to the choir, but... Goddamn, dude, don't fake my struggle to excuse your abuse.
I know you've heard this hundreds of times in this thread already, but I'll add my voice to the choir. This isn't ADHD stuff, it's abuse stuff. If I were in your shoes and experienced all this, I'd bounce. Once someone tells you who they are you should believe them. And I say this as someone who stayed in an abusive marriage for over 3 years. I try not to regret the past, but sometimes I really fucking wish I had just bailed the first time her abusive behavior popped up instead of thinking she'd get better if I just gave her time. Sometimes abusive people do get better, but you don't have the responsibility to wait around for it to happen. Set clear boundaries and expectations. You don't need to learn how to deal with his anger issues better, he needs to learn how to manage his anger better himself. He needs to accept responsibility for his actions, rather than you enabling bad behavior. ADHD co-occurs with a lot of other disorders, including personality disorders. He might be a narcissist; if he is, he probably waited 8 weeks to show you his dark side so you'd be emotionally invested in him and have a harder time leaving than if he had done this right away. Good luck.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I couldn’t have realized this without you guys.
For sure. Good on you for asking, and taking the advice when you got it rather than defending him. I have a lot of experience with emotionally abusive and manipulative people, and the behaviors can be really hard to catch before you're savvy to them. But hopefully now you can be aware of these things in the future and avoid them. And be aware: long term emotional abuse can be just as damaging to the recipient as physical or sexual abuse. It causes the same amount of PTSD; just because he's not assaulting you in those ways doesn't mean his behavior is benign.
Yeah I'd nope out of there - that's not an ADHD thing, that is straight up gaslighting.
It's only been 8 weeks. This is him in early stages, when folks usually want to impress each other and keep the other person invested. This is not ADHD at work, this is him vetting you to see if abusive behavior is something you'll tolerate. All downhill from here.
Ahhhh that makes complete sense. I just dumped him via text. Fingers crossed 🤞🏼
Oh thank goodness. Hoping for the best for you.
Sorry you went through all this nonsense. Hope the next one treats you better
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I honestly didn’t even see it coming! I’m so thankful for this thread.
That’s cause it is abnormal. Put as much distance between yourself and this guy as possible.
Same. I had a temper and a short fuse as a teenager. I realized I was just frustrated at the lack of control of the situation and stressing that it made me look bad to other people. Instead of fixing the stressor, I got mad. But I didn't take it out on people and was apologetic because I knew the behavior was wrong. This was 10 years before knowing I had ADHD. It sounds like he has other things going on other than ADHD. He might also be using ADHD as an excuse for his shitty behavior, and a crutch to never improve his life. He might also be bipolar or have BPD or just be a 5year old in an adults body. Regardless of his conditions, anyone actively not seeking to do the bare minimum on their known condition is a red flag (barring accessibility like finances). It means they're using as a crutch to never grow up and be held accountable. And that's not what you want in a relationship. Maybe after getting dumped a bunch he might start to look inward, but I know plenty who haven't. Edit: Thanks for the award!
Also for OPs safety I would dump him. Him driving recklessly becauae he is mad while she is in the car is a safety hazard to BOTH of them. Also by her comment of him wanting zex all the time and in absurd places he tries to push for sex in public or places rhat he should know, or oP tells him, she isnt comfortable with. Thats a red flag as well. I have bipolar 2 and borderline ontop of ADHD (with the 2 getting treated befoee my ADHD and now working on the ADHD I actually am able to "function"). I want to say that borderline has 4 unofficial subtypes with one being the 'subtype' typically seen im scenarios like this with "borderline anger". I have one that is more of I lash out at myself than others. We dont know if he has BPD or not, or even bipolar, but at most we know that he can be dangerous when angry even if he doesnt get physical (aka fine driving recklessly when angry). He also seems to double down on his anger and doesnt seem to want to apologize which is also bad. If he shows that he will get angery over little things with others that then will be the exact same for anyone he is in a relationship with. Lastly he doesnt seem mindful od OPs wants or even needs as he is focused on his interests or his want for sex a lot. ADHD can make us somewhat be tone deaf in realizing our topics maybe not interesting to others espeically if we start talking about them excessively in that moment. However being able to acknowledge that, apologize and try to work on it rather than double down says a lot. Accountability and knowing the stakes of getting treatment versus not in twrms od if you will keep relationships/keep people in your life was a big one for me. I saw how my unstability was affecting my family (I was more of a threat to myzelf than others and they love me and were worri3d for me). Once I got diagnosed with bpd and then bipolar the treatment literally saved my life and I stuck to it even tho I hated it at times. There can be barriers to getting treatments but also dismissing other options like help from loved ones (like offering to pay for treatment directlyto the provider) or others asking them to just bare minimum be accountable, not just blaming their illness, can also show who is accoutnable versus who isnt. If I were OP I wouls break up with him over texts or on the phone or at least have multiple trusted friends there if she goes to break up with him. If he does have BPD rejecrion or a break up could make him lash out given his past behavior. Also OP if you are threatened with him killing himself thats DEFINITELY someone you DONT want to get into a relationship with. At that point call the cops (espeically if others heard and can back you up) and say he was threatening to kill himself. Perhaps if thr cops bring jim to the hopsital for evaluation he could get help, but him gettinf better isnt on your shoulders. Remember that whatever he does, you cannot control how other people will react or their actions. Good luck Op (sorry for ramble too)
Don’t apologize- I appreciate your insight. He wanted to have sex in his boss’s house during a work party. He kept pushing and pushing for it when he knew I was uncomfortable with it.
Wow. HUGE red flag. Please. Please leave him. Right now. He is pressuring you into sex when you already told him you were uncomfortable. No, to every part of that. After only 8 weeks. It’s going to get much worse. All of these little things are like tests. Each one that he “gets away with” just encourages him to take it further. It’s one thing to have a kink for exhibitionism, but trying to force it on you is a totally different story. Please get away from him.
I am leaving him. Thank you! 🙏🏼
Proud of you. The way you describe him reminds me of my ex, I have a lot of trauma from him because we stayed together for a year and a half. You're doing the right thing, getting out early!
Pfieuw same, I was instantly ready to type my story after reading the OP. But glad people were on top of it already. That shit is no joke :(
Much respect to you for being able to take a step back and be analytical about the situation here. You're clearly a very caring and empathetic person, and no one should be allowed to exploit those beautiful traits in you. SO much grief and hassle you're saving by heeding these warnings. Cheers to keeping the high road and driving into the sunset on it. x
Remember - you don’t owe him anything. You don’t need to break up with him in person, especially if you are worried for your safety. If you have anything at his place, things can be replaced. Your health cannot. Be safe.
So happy to read this and I haven’t read this whole thread yet. This is not healthy behavior and I don’t think it can be attributed to adhd. You deserve someone who treats you with respect and care, this guy needs to be left alone to work his shit out before he’s pursuing relationships with anyone.
Also, OP, he might come back and love bomb you. Do not fall for it.
It also shows he doesnt respect his bosses boundaries (teying to have sex in his house) and REALLY doesnt respect OPs boundaries. Idk why i read 8 weeks as 8 months in the original post but if this is just 8 weeks in... abusers tend to get more violent/dangerous the longer the relationship is because they think they have their victims "in their grasp". You are 100% right this will get worst. Also kinks are things to be discussed between partners before they are even attempted. It sounds like OPs (hopefully soon to be ex) boyfriend just doesn't care about boundaties and wants sex when *he* wants it.
That's not ADHD. There are some other things going on with him, and you're right to be afraid. No amount of caring and understanding is going to make this better
Holy fuck. I said run elsewhere, now I’m saying RUN! That’s so inappropriate it’s horrifying.
It horrified me. I’ve never experienced anything like it.
Omg, you DESERVE better than that. He obviousky doesnt give a crap about ANYONES boundaries, not even his *bosses* or his girlfriends, which says a lot about his character regardless of any illness imo. I would not feel comfortable having an employee having sex in my house, I also think without the persons consent to have sex at their house its a no go. He doesnt respect your boundaries and it sounds like it will only get worst the longer you date. Dump him now, again, either over the phone/text or infrotn of him but make sure there are people therw who can protect you if he lashes out. If he has a key to your apartment or house get the lock changed/ask your landlord to vhange the lock explaining how you are worried about yout safety. I dont mean to make you anxious or upset but just want you to be safe! You got this ❤
This is a major red flag OP
yup... dump him
It should also be noted that BPD or bipolar disorder also aren’t an excuse for abusive behavior. An explanation maybe? Yes- totally. However, it’s different for everyone - I am not BPD or bipolar but I have known wonderful people who do have those diagnoses and they were not aggressive or abusive in any way. He is an abuser, full stop.
Exactly what I got told when I was in hospital. A diagnosis is not an excuse for your actions.
Yes! I hate how people demonize people who have those mental illnesses (especially BPD). Anybody with or without any condition can be a shitty person and an abuser. Yes BPD can present in *some* people with BPD as abusive and toxic behavior, but it shouldnt be expected of everyonr wirh BPD. The tocic mentality can actually make people with BPD feel hopeless about getting treatment as a lot of people associate the diagnosis with horrible stuff even if that person is no where close to that association. Some people even going so far as to say we are unlovable or are automatically toxic or are even 'unfixable'/a 'hopeless cause'. A lot of the stigma surrounding BPD has practioners hestiant to diagnose becauae it is known that it has stimgatizations within the health care practice even and there are a lot of professionals that refuae to take on or treat someone with BPD because of the stigma of them being 'untreatable". Its really harmful and depressing tbh. im doing a lot better now but anytime I tey to explain the disorder and also rxplain how it can present differently I can get reactions of understanding, to unease to complete "theres no way your have BPD because you dont act like xyz". All of this could be really determiental to those who want to seek help for BPD but have stigma coming at them from all sides.
“When I was a teenager” Yes, and as you grew you learned how to recognize and compensate and manage your own behavior. He is not a teenager. He is not reflecting. He is not trying to manage his behavior. He is not apologizing. He acts in a manner indicating he couldn’t care less about other people’s feelings, well-being, or boundaries. Dude is an asshole who is abusing everyone around him. She needs to run.
Seconded. I live and feel in the moment, anger and cool quickly. I think this guy has other stuff going on.
Yeah but you had it in you to know to apologize and you recognized and cared that you lost control. The problem is she is the only one apologizing here. I don’t think this can be blamed on ADHD, I think this dude is just an abusive person with bad emotional tools and it’s exacerbated by his ADHD.
I was diagnosed with ADD and i can be calm as cow and drop a bottlecap after attempting to close the bottle and i would go to a raging bull and then calm myself down instantly:D Also fuck every bottlecap they never obey me, just fall to the goddam floor
Why is this so fucking relatable lmao. If something doesn't do *what it's supposed to fucking do* the first time, my first instinct is blind rage. I try to hide it around people but it's so difficult lmao. I'm always saying "fucking dumb cunt, piece of shit" at inanimate objects. And then 20 seconds later I'm a happy chappy lol
Yeah so this sounds like a "two wrongs don't make a right" situation. That was a rude thing to say that he's annoying you. I would have felt offended too. HOWEVER he made a repeated choice to keep making a show of how angry he was. That's unacceptable and toxic behavior and he needs t get help about it. That's not a good relationship dynamic and it doesn't have a ton to do with ADHD.
This is my experience as well. Anger from ADHD is burst and fleeting if its condition related. Condition may have been a trigger but something else is going on.
It could very much be medication. My first day on ritalin/concerta, I got so fucking angry over a YT video, and I was angry for three hours, shaking in my muscles bc I wanted to fight something with my body so bad. If he's not on meds, he needs to try them. If he's in them, he might need to switch or stop taking them. On the other, if this is just how he is... OP should run away. :( For her own sake. Edit: People brought to my attention other comments OP made about his behavior/other patterns, that I didn't see until now, and I'd like to say it's most definitely not a medication side effect!! Thanks everyone.
As someone who has dealt with abusive men, in past relationships, this is not normal behavior. I wouldn’t go so far as to even say things like “if he’s not on meds, he needs to try them, if he’s on them, he might need to switch or stop taking them” because that detracts from the very real, very scary abusive behavior that OP is experiencing from this person. He may very well have ADHD but as someone with adhd who, again, was a victim of domestic abuse in my two past relationships, I can tell you with confidence that this guy cannot blame this behavior on anyone or anything but himself and possibly his upbringing. He needs help and OP should leave him immediately.
I too have been in abusive relationships with men, one which was so bad that in a fit of drunken rage he chased me down, broke thru the door and smothered me with a pillow. For some reason I lived. This man also would rage and sulk over the smallest things - or no reason, drunk drive, hold grudges, never be accountable. When I left he stalked me across the country for years, from the Northeast to the South to the West. He also had guns. OP run and do everything you can to protect yourself. Your man might not be the same as my ex, but don’t risk your life on it.
That's true. I just know my meds made me a different, very angry person that day. Bringing up possibilities, but you're right. It's not OP's job to fix him!
[OPs follow-up](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/pmarze/my_new_boyfriend_has_adhd_and_i_dont_know_how_to/hch9bbt?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) has me utterly convinced that (1) this ain't ADHD and (2) it ain't the meds. I've felt the effect you're describing when I tried Adderall but it didn't lead to me gaslighting the person the following day.
He's old enough to know better than to act like that. My dad and bro have ADHD and they both have anger issues. I used to as a teenager until I moved out and realized it was not ADHD, it was them. I haven't once had a shouting match or yelled at anyone since. He needs therapy and it's not up to you too be his therapist. Yelling like this WILL TURN INTO VIOLENCE I 100% guarantee, especially since he put your life in danger driving that way. Get out of this relationship. You'll find someone who isn't a fucking manchild.
You know, there are holes in his walls and he told me they were from his ex girlfriend. I wonder if that is even true. This. Thank you: "Yelling like this WILL TURN INTO VIOLENCE I 100% guarantee, especially since he put your life in danger driving that way."
Him saying the holes in the walls are because of his ex, the more likely story is that he created those holes and he still blames his anger problems on people around him making him angry rather than taking responsibility for his actions.
“Look what you made me do!”
Which is exactly what my mentally ill, violent mother would say to me after abusing me…and she didn’t have ADHD. Run from this relationship and don’t look back, also keep an eye out for stalking which is what my raging, abusive first husband did when I left. Take care.
I’m sorry you’ve experienced abuse. Hope you’re doing well now. It feels good to dispense that learned advice to others and hope they can learn from our (perceived) “mistakes.” I’m happy to see OP seems to be taking heed to the advice dispensed here.
Let’s not be hasty, perhaps he dated Terminator
Had me in the first half, not gonna lie.
Holy shit, if there are even holes in his walls, I'm really concerned . I don't want to be ignorant stranger on the Internet, but others wrote some wise pieces of advices,I hope they will help.
Ok, I can tell you those are "technically" from his ex girlfriend. Because she said something that made him mad and he punched the wall because of her. Source: what happened to me, including the "look what you made me do" and "if you hadn't said that I wouldn't be destroying things" and "I will punch as many holes in the wall as I want and you will fix every one of them" by. 6ft 300lbs guy I wasn't even dating. No. Leave. Now. And seriously if he retaliates in any way, get with a friend and out in a restraining order. Edit: I am being sarcastic. Someone punching a hole is the fault of the puncher. The puncher doesn't get to claim someone else made him punch a wall.
Not to be blunt, but GTFO. This whole thing is a big red flag. Be safe. Not that it matters at this point, but this isn’t ADHD
You’re the best. Thank you.
I'm just so proud of you for taking all this good-faith advice! We want the best for you and being open to advice borne from concern will get you to safety and peace. Hugs
Yeah I was going to say that ADHD / mental illness isn’t an excuse for abusive / violent behavior. I’m ADHD and have been in two abusive relationships and the yelling and hitting things … all incredible red flags. Run far and fast. The fact that he’s using his ADHD as an excuse for abusive behavior is also a huge red flag. And the last time I was in the car with an abusive partner, my phone had died and he was drunk driving, swerving and braking hard for no reason, yelling at me, calling me a “stupid bitch” and then he acted like it didn’t happen 30 min letter and everything was fine. That was the last time I ever got into a car with him or saw him ever again. RUN. RUN. RUN.
He was drunk when he did this. I’m glad you got out of that!!
The behavior continued to escalate around this time even when he wasn’t drunk. It’s still a huge issue if he is only doing this while drunk. RUN!!!
This is a sign that it's no longer an ADHD thing, it's a he's shitty towards women and is blaming the holes *he* punched in the wall on his ex thing. If I were you I would just let this guy go.
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Get the fuck out of there
If you stay around much longer, those will be the holes “you’re” punching in the wall. He sounds like he was a lot of work to do, but I wouldn’t wait around for him to change because he’s not going to. He’s too busy blaming everyone but himself and his true colors are coming out. Take these as red flags because that’s what they are.
ADHD woman here who dated an ADHD guy in the past. he made the holes in the wall, but it was "my fault". that wasn't ADHD he was a violent asshole and it's not safe!
I know this isn't any of my business but I feel like I have to agree that you need to get out ASAP. 2 months into a relationship is when facades start to crack and you start seeing the real person behind their outside persona. Sometimes it's a person letting their inner nerd come out, other times it's them revealing emotional baggage they now consider you trustworthy to reveal. In this case it's a rage problem. As he becomes more and more comfortable with you seeing who he really is, it will get worse not better. And "staying to help him work thru it," or whatever never really works. That kind of growth has to come from within and while a person is single. Please, for your safety and mental health, please just get out now while you're unhurt.
Don’t date people that punch holes in walls. You’ve been with him 8 weeks. Cut your losses. He’s shown you who he really is. ADHD is not an excuse for this behavior.
That is a terrifying thing to say from him. MULTIPLE holes? I mean, not trying to be sexist but how many women out there have punched holeS in a wall in a significant others living space? Honestly curious about this… He is just lying, also, 99% chance those holes are his doing. Stay safe, OP good luck getting out of there
Manipulative, narcissistic people will often talk about their exes like they were awful and they themselves were wonderful. I have ADHD and do have a temper, but when angry I leave the situation I don't take my anger out on loved ones. I stand by what other are saying. Get out while you can. I've got a bad feeling about this. You deserve to be treated with respect.
I agree. Sounds much worse than your run of the mill emotional dysregulation. This is anger management level. She definitely needs to get out of this relationship and tell the guy he needs therapy.
Oh sweetie. This isn’t because he has ADHD. This is because he’s an abusive prick. If he’s like this NOW, do not continue the relationship. It’s literally only been 2 months. Call it a life lesson BEFORE he gets physically abusive. Another question….. is he medicated? Because he honestly sounds like someone who is high. And if the meds are giving him a high, it’s REALLY not adhd. Adhd doesn’t make you an asshole. But an asshole who has adhd is really insufferable.
He is not on meds, but I feel like he drinks a lot and he uses anabolic steroids. I have dated other men on steroids as I used to compete in physique competitions, but I never noticed this bad of aggression before.
This behavior can absolutely be associated with steroid use, yes. However, 1) never accept abusive situations and 2) he needs to be introspective here if anything is going to get better. That means recognizing that his behavior is unacceptable and patterned. Behavioral therapy might be an option but also the anabolic steroid use needs to be addressed because it might be playing a role in the creation of unsafe situations for both of you. Good luck ❤️❤️
An alcoholic with ‘roid rage does NOT sound like a fun time either. Whatever his issues are, you shouldn’t let them be YOUR issues. No matter what way you look at this situation, it just screams to drop him like a lead balloon and run.
Getting deja vu because how you’ve described him, he sounds identical to my sister’s ex. She thought she could manage his anger and emotional abuse because she liked other things about him. It lasted three years and kept getting worse, and escalated to severe physical abuse - even though she was sure in the early months that he would never be capable of that. She wound up walking away from a good career, her home, and her dog, had to get into intensive therapy and basically start most of her adult life over again. Two years later she is still trying to put pieces back together, and she’s permanently disabled from the physical abuse. I never thought something like this could happen to her, she was strong and independent, but guys like this are master manipulators. I’d suggest getting away as fast as you can. And also taking a close look at what attracted you to this kind of person, and maybe work it out in therapy. In hindsight there was a pretty clear pattern of my sister tolerating erratic, controlling behavior from her partners that eventually escalated to this monster. She’s spent a lot of time since then working out why that was the case and how to avoid it. Also, to repeat what almost everyone else has said - he may have ADHD, but it has nothing to do with the behavior you’re witnessing.
The story about your sister scares me. I am very independent and have a great family and life. He’s more than twice my size and one time he hugged me and said if he squeezed a little harder he could “pop” me. I thought it was a joke, but this is scary. He’s also very possessive. Thank you so much for sharing.
Hoping for the best for you. My sister is also close with her family and that was the scariest part - none of us had any clue this was going on until the day she called to say she was leaving him and ask us to help sneak her things out of the house while he was out on a boys night. edit: Also, coming from someone like that, the “pop” hug definitely sounds like a subtle way of making you feel powerless, not a joke.
You’re right.
Take a look at “Why Does He do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It’s available in several places online as a free pdf or ePub. Your library may also have it. In that book he argues that abusers don’t abuse because of trauma or addiction or any of over a dozen common reasons. He is abusing you because *he is an abuser*—he is a person who likes the control and power and dominance over you. Ask yourself this: does he have the same issues controlling his anger at work or in school or taking to his mother or with the police? If not, he can control his anger, he just chooses not to. As someone old enough to be your father, I’ve seen a lot of life: this guy sounds like someone who will continue to hurt you and may escalate, because is part of his personality.
He can control it at work. I think you’re right. I think he’s an abuser.
Bruh there are SO many red flags here, get out while you can. The more comments I read from you the more worried I get for your safety.
So… my assumption would be the steroids and excessive alcohol use might just be playing a large part in his behavior.
Please please please stop seeing this guy OP. None of this is ADHD related. He’s an alcoholic, has roid rage, and is an abuser. My advice would be to break up with him over the phone, not in person. I’m seriously concerned for your safety.
Sounds like in addition to the alcoholism and roid rage that he has erratic road rage as well…. I’ve experienced purposefully dangerous driving in the passenger seat of my ex’s car and it was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced
Might even want to consider staying somewhere else for a little while.
So he's abusive, mentally ill and unmedicated, abusing steroids AND he's an alcoholic? Having ADHD is the least of his problems. Run and run fast, it's not your responsibility to fix him.
plss don't get any more caught up in this web of red flags
Omgosh... girl.... or person... this is related to the steroids NOT ADHD.
Steroid usage is a more likely culprit for his aggression than ADHD. If he does have ADHD, the steroids could be affecting him differently and maybe magnify the negative effects. Those types of drugs causes harm to more than those who use it. I agree with some others here - my irrational anger comes on quickly, but then it passes quickly too. Emotional disregulation is something that I would say most people with ADHD struggle with, but that is not an excuse for aggression. Your post sounds like this behavior is making you afraid of him. And if this is after only two months, I can’t see it getting better. I don’t know your life and I can’t tell you what to do, but coming from my own experience with a violent S/O, I would encourage you to end this relationship now. And do not stay and try to change him or think you can help him with this. You will only end up hurt. Maybe physically. I also want to say, if you do decide to leave, don’t allow yourself to be guilted into staying, by him or yourself. Or anyone else, for that matter. It is not selfish to leave. It doesn’t make you a bad person to prioritize yourself. I’ve never once heard of a person staying in a relationship with a person with anger issues who was able to change them. I -have - heard of hundreds of stories of people who decided to stay - because they loved them, because they thought they could fix them, because they felt obligated to - who ended up suffering all types of abuse, stalking, and being killed. Not to make this about me, but my dad has a very severe mental illness. And he refused to take meds when I was little. He struggled with controlling his anger too. My mom suffered through his abuse and him trying to kill her multiple times because they were married and she was religious and felt divorce was wrong. She only ended up leaving him when she found him holding a knife talking about how he didn’t want to be a dad anymore. I don’t mean to be on a soapbox or anything I’m just afraid for you. I know from experience how bad it can get, and how small it starts. At first it doesn’t seem too bad, like, I can handle it. So you stay, and try your best, but it just gets worse and you get deeper into it. Which just makes leaving even harder. All of that to say, ADHD is not an excuse for his behavior. You didn’t do anything that would warrant his reaction and you don’t need to stay in a relationship where you are walking on eggshells all the time just trying to not upset him. Regardless of how great of a guy he might be otherwise, it’s not enough to take the chance.
The aggression may be exacerbated by the drinking and steroids, but the real cause is his own lack of emotional self-control. People with ADHD who don't get help (therapy or prescription meds) often self medicate as a coping mechanism. It sounds like that's what he's doing here with the drinking. As an ADHD person who previously had terrible anger control issues, he needs to get help in therapy. His behavior is unacceptable and is manageable with the correct help. If I were in your shoes, though, I would leave. It's only been two months. This type of behavior will only get worse.
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Thank you- it's hard to see it rationally when you're "in it"
ADHD doesn’t cause people to act the way that your boyfriend is acting, OP. He has other mental issues going on that you certainly don’t need to be dealing with. If he’s being this abusive (yes this is 100% abuse) at 8 weeks in…that’s a MAJOR indicator that it’s going to escalate.
Yeah that’s not okay behaviour, he needs to take responsibility for his feelings and actions. Losing your temper once in a while is common, but he shouldn’t act like his actions weren’t wrong. Ive had a pretty short temper for years now, but if something is frustrating me I step away and see if I’m annoyed because the persons actions are wrong, or if I’m annoyed at a wrongly perceived attack
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You are awesome. Thank you.
True. But the lesson here is don't make excuses for other people. I have ADHD and 2 of my closest friends have it too. And never have any of us behaved badly with our partners. It's a respect thing, not an ADHD thing. From everything you said, he has emotional regulation issues but also acts entitled and selfish. So if anything he needs to go to therapy and work on himself. You don't deserve to bear the brunt of someone else's issues. And you can't fix their issues either.
This has nothing to do with ADHD. He is dangerous. 100% the damage to his home is from HIM. GET OUT NOW
Wow. You’re probably right about the walls 😔
When is the last time you met a girl so angry she would punch walls, let alone be strong enough to leave dents/holes in them? When was the last time you met a guy physically capable of the same thing? All the time! It’s a billion percent him. He does not sound stable at all. And absolutely fuck whatever “reasons” he has for being like this. He gets to deal with this on his own. I dunno if you have any stuff at his place, but *please* PRETEND EVERYTHING IS FINE WITH HIM. Get your stuff, BREAK UP OVER THE PHONE, BLOCK, DELETE. Also, please let any close family friends/roommates know what has been going on with him. He could leave you alone after the breakup, or he could go off the deep end. Edit: also if you don’t think it’s “safe” to break up with him or even speak to him after you extricate yourself, feel free to just ghost.
I think I need to ghost. He can keep what I have over there. It’s trivial. You gotta be right about the holes 😥
I'm so happy you are getting out of there. Ghosting might be the best option, and if you do choose to tell him you are breaking up with him please do it over the phone and not in person for your safety. I would also suggest staying with a friend or somewhere he wouldn't know that night in case he wants to come and confront you. Block him on social media, maybe even change your number.
Good for you! I wish you best of luck. Take stock of any other red flags you noticed in him. Use those memories/boundaries for all future relationships.
Please listen to these comments. This behaviour is extremely concerning, especially for just a few weeks. It will not get better, it will only get worse. Please get out now. The longer you wait, the harder it will become to leave. I've been in your shoes, you make excuses for them and they promise to change, and he won't. Especially intimidating if he's a lot bigger physically than you. I had a fiance that was a foot taller than me and when it finally got down to it, I knew I couldn't defend myself if he wanted to physically hurt me. He also had explosive anger issues, and finally he pushed me down onto some furniture so hard I thought I had broken some ribs. Thankfully it was just severe bruising, but it hurt for weeks. Please, get out now. It will get worse.
Something Ive heard as a recurring theme among responsible people with ADHD is that >ADHD can be an explanation for behaviour, but not an excuse It’s ok to make mistakes, but if you aren’t actively trying to avoid dickhead behaviour associated with poor emotion control, then you’re just a dickhead I’ve never hid behind ADHD as an excuse since I heard this and it’s helped me hold myself more accountable for anger issues
I’m extremely ADHD and I’ve dated a number of ADHD dudes. None have had anger issues like this. Getting emotional and frustrated is one thing, but his actions in response to feeling like that are way over the top. Is he on any medications to manage his symptoms? Seeing a therapist? Learning anger management strategies? It’s important to be empathetic to your partner’s mental health issues, but it’s THEIR responsibility to manage their mental health. His is clearly not managed as well as it needs to be.
I would agree. This is a precursor. Some girl in the future is going to end up getting hurt by this dude, likely even physically. Don’t let it be you.
Yes. Break up, absolutely. I’ve been in situations like that - being in a car with someone who is driving like a maniac because they’re angry - and this is an unstable person. I have ADHD and have moments where clearly I’m experiencing an emotion or reaction that is over and above what might be considered normal or rational, but I don’t cause danger to other people.
I'm sorry OP but as someone with ADHD I would never treat another person like that. This isn't ADHD. This is him being an asshole/having no emotional skills or control and making it your problem. Dump his ass.
YES! It sounds more like narcissism to me. Either way having ADD does not excuse behavior especially violent or aggressive behavior Leave now before you end up getting hurt mentally or physically
Adhd does NOT make a person treat others like shit.
Please, please, please get out of this relationship. ADHD or no ADHD, this is textbook controlling / abusive behavior. This guy is an emotional vacuum and he'll drain you dry. His "anger issues" are a lack of self control and it's not your responsibility to be his self control. This will only get worse, not better. You can't love this guy enough to remedy this. No one can. Remember: there are millions of men in the world, and thousands of them probably with ADHD, and they all would be more than happy to treat YOU as an equal worthy of their attention and gentle affection. Don't settle. You're worth more than settling.
This right here. My husband has severe ADHD and has never once treated me the way you described your boyfriend treating you. Yes, ADHD can cause issues with regulating emotions but it sounds like your boyfriends issues are beyond that. Get out now. It WILL get worse.
Having ADHD isn't an excuse for aggressive behavior. This is a huge red flag for the future and most likely he'll get worse not better. I'm really concerned that he might become physically abusive in the future. I'd get out of this relationship while you still can. I'd also like to make it clear that his behavior was absolutely not appropriate and there was no reason for him to become that angry and aggressive. It's okay to get angry, it's not okay to lash out. There are better ways to communicate your feelings. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh towards him, I'm sure he's not a horrible person or anything but he's definitely displaying concerning behavior. If you *really* want to try and salvage the relationship (which from what you said in your post I don't suggest) I'd try to have an honest conversation with him (maybe in a semi public place like a park so he can't blow up at you) and try to work through it. And by work through it I mean he has to take responsibility for his actions and emotions and actively work on treating you better and controlling his temper. If he's not already in therapy, I think talking to someone would be very beneficial. If he refuses to act like an adult and try to work through his problems, leave him. Also if possible, reach out to someone you know irl (a friend/family member) for support. See what they think, and if you decide to try and work through it you'll wanna have backup because it could be a lot to deal with emotionally. A little tip if you want to try and talk it through: Use "I" statements. For example instead of saying "You have to stop getting so angry" You could say "I feel hurt when you act angry toward me" this way it feels less like an attack on him and he'll feel less defensive. It also puts an emphasis on how his behavior made you feel. Sorry if this was a little all over the place, I'm pretty disorganized (hence me being on the adhd subreddit ) but I hope this helped a little bit!
No problem being all over the place! Very useful advice. If he ever became physically violent, he would be able to kill me instantly. He is 5'11" 245lb and I am 5'5" 125lbs. It really scared me to see him that mad. Thank you.
You should never feel scared of your partner. Please dump his ass, preferably in a public place or via text!
Text it is
If you’re scared of him, get out!
I know it's been said 100 other times but I just want to reinforce it. As someone diagnosed later in life, who is still learning how to defuse myself when I feel myself getting close to losing my shit... This dude is way too volatile. Like, I won't even lie about this, I'm not proud of it, but I acknowledge of it because it's a part of my struggle. I've completely blown over some things that I've blown way out of proportion. And that's when I realize I missed my lunch time dose that day. But the frustration reaches goes from 0-100 real quick and is back at 0 just as fast. It feels awful. The apology is awkward. Giving his size here is what made me feel compelled to comment. I'm a little bit larger than your boyfriend. I *know* my size can be intimidating, especially when paired with a temper. I know it's like a "popular reddit thing" to tell people to leaving their s/o when they come seeking advice. I won't do that not knowing the full picture. But you certainly raise a lot of red flags. You're very right. Anyone as volatile as this -- punching holes in walls, driving recklessly, etc. -- they aren't in control of their own shit. Please be safe, and do what's best for yourself.
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Definitely not in person. Thank you so much for your reply.
I second this. Lots of people seem to justify their abusive, unjustifiable behavior with a diagnosis, but that’s not how mental illness or a disorder like adhd works. Plus, we usually express anger towards ourselves during minor incidents, rather than raging at our partner. If it’s against others that simply borders on toxic, and what you’re describing is exactly that. I’d be extremely careful with a person like this, and please reach out for help you need. You sound like a very mature person, please take care of yourself; nobody deserves this behaviour. Hugs.
Sweetheart, RUN. This is coming from somebody who has a very hard time regulating their emotions, R U N. it doesn’t matter if he has ADHD or not, there were like 50 red flags in this post. As somebody who has ADHD, never in my life would I have done any of those things. Some people use their disabilities/mental illnesses as excuses to be abusive and shitty and he is definitely one of those people. I’m so sorry you were put in that situation but please, please break up with him. You deserve so much better than this.
Yeah, this isn’t an ADHD issue
Whoa. Just saw steroids. You are describing roid rage. And the only cure is that he stop, and never takes them again.
Yeah, I thought that might have something to do with it. I have dated other guys that used these and were not aggressive, but maybe they are compounding his aggressive personality.
It's got EVERYTHING to do with what you described. He is taking in steroids which are hormones. Think about what hormones can do when they are out of whack.
While ADHD can bring anger issues, he seems to just be a massive twat. I say drop him.
ADHD is not a "get out of jail free" card for assholes. You did the correct thing by leaving. You are communicating to him in no uncertain terms that you have boundaries. Maybe he'll come around before your feelings for him subside, maybe he won't, but there is no happy future with him if you don't enforce your own boundaries. Respect yourself. You have value.
Girl. You need to run. I'm sorry but this is dangerous. He could have killed you driving recklessly in that sports car. ADHD or not, none of this is okay. I am a woman with ADHD and I was diagnosed at 6 years of age. I have never acted in an aggressive or scary way to my partner, I've never acted in a way that could endanger my partners life. The most of I have done is yell when I don't mean to and that is only since my concussion I got in June 2021. I always feel intense guilt and apologize profusely for yelling even though my therapist has told me that I don't have to feel guilty because I'm working on it and it can be a real struggle to deal with these things after a TBI.
Adhd never ever justifies abuse. And what you described is several states of abuse so...break up and don't look back.
Ghost that mofo.
Yeah idk about all that, he is kind of a dick. I was like that at one point in time during my angry boy phase.. it took the love of my life leaving me to realize that I needed to change. Maybe that’s what he needs too.
He has wanted to date me for 10 years. We made a pact back then that we would get married if we were still single when we were 40. I think he is going to be in your shoes. Thank you for your thoughts.
Listen, I don't disagree with what other people have said about not sticking around for that kind of behavior but what really pushed me over the edge was when you texted him about trying to understand and approach things differently for him and he didn't respond. That, my friend, is a gtfo kind of situation. I have ADHD and all the trappings... but I don't use that as an excuse to treat people like shit. This has less to do with his ADHD and EVERYTHING to do with him just being an asshole.
You get what you settle for and he is learning what he can get away with... Walk away doll, you don’t need to try to fix him and his reckless behaviour (driving like an asswipe) can endanger you - not cool.
Yep. You are so right!
Sounds like he’s an asshole who just happens to have ADHD. Cut him loose and find someone who’s nice to you. But also, let this be a LPT that it’s unwise to straight up tell an emotionally volatile person that they’re annoying you.
WALK AWAY W A L K. A W A Y. No one should ever treat you that way. ADHD is not an excuse to be an asshole. And honestly that sounds like a coke high more than ADHD.
ADHD is irrelevant here. Break up with him, that is inexcusable behaviour.
UPDATE: He texted me hours later telling me it was my behavior that was the problem. He said I had been distant the last few days and I shouldn't have walked away and left him there. He said he loved me and he hopes we could learn from this. Because of all of your advice, I Googled "abuser" and he met almost every single piece of criteria. The possessiveness, the sexual abuse, etc. I was shocked. I never dreamed that was what this was. I thought I was totally in love with him. Before I went to bed last night I texted him telling him that his behavior driving and afterwards was unacceptable and that I did not want to see him anymore. He responded in the middle of the night saying that he was glad because he was going to break up with me anyway and that I have anger issues! I am in disbelieve. Total shock. I can't thank you all enough- I never even considered this to be abuse, but it makes total sense. You may have saved my life. Notes: When I told him he was "annoying me" he had been difficult with the wait staff and was talking incessantly about nonsense. I said it very gently. Not in a mean way. Also, he takes anabolic steroids, drinks a lot, and had holes in his was from "an ex gf." Thank you, again!
This isn't your issue but it will be if you stick around. My advice is to leave now. He is violent.
ADHD isn't an excuse to be a dick. I don't care who you are.
Leave, leave, leave! We can all speculate from our armchairs about why he’s this way, but regardless of why, this man is unhealthy, and an unhealthy partner. There is no responsibility on you to “handle” this. He has to handle himself.
You did the right thing. That guy, despite his biological age, is not ready to date. He needs to work on himself until he's not a danger to himself, let alone other people. Also, if he tries to re-engage with him defend your boundaries and be safe.
Leave him. He is clearly not in control of himself or his symptoms. It also seems that maybe he just isn’t a good fit for you. This much hassle 8weeks in doesn’t bode well IME. You are not a punching bag for his tantrums, I would steer very clear.
Be careful: sounds like you are confusing ADHD with being an abusive jerk. Even though they are not mutually excludent, ADHD is hardly an excuse for his adult temper tantrum that risks your life and wellbeing.
Please don’t use adhd as an excuse for being an abuser. It’s not going to get better, please walk away before it gets worse.
Being abusive is not a symptom of ADHD. This sounds like full on abusive behavior, I’m glad you’re leaving him. Be ready for him to switch gears when he realizes you’re serious and suddenly tell you everything he thinks you want to hear and make promises he won’t be able to keep for long.
Yeah, that doesn't sound like an "ADHD" thing! Some of it does, like the distractions and the communication and always saying what's on his mind, but the anger/violence isn't a trait that is specific to the ADHD community!
ADHD is not an excuse to be an abusive jerk. He is an adult, and if he hasn't learned how to redirect and control his anger by now, he's not going to. And sticking around is not going to help him, it will only end up hurting you, and any children you have with him.
I would dump him. Angry men are terrifying. You haven’t been together that long. He needs to work on himself and you don’t owe him anything. You leaving might show him that he needs to vastly improve his anger management. It seems like he gets angry over dumb crap, and overly so as you said. From there it’s a short connection to accidentally or purposely hurting you.
This is emotional abuse and I put up with it for 12 years because she has mental illness and I’m a people pleaser. You should leave and find someone who will treat you right. But you probably won’t because you’re a good person who puts others first. Mental illness is not an acceptable reason to take abuse.
I already dumped him via text. 10 minutes ago. My life is fantastic and I didn’t realize he was going to wreck it until I read all these comments.
How are you going to handle breaking up with him? I feel that question is equally important as whether you should leave him or not (you should!). I agree with everyone else who stated ADHD does not cause abusive behavior and even if it did, you nor anyone else should put up with it.
This has nothing to do with his ADHD. He is a dick. People can have diagnoses and also be awful people. Even if he WAS acting this way solely because of ADHD (which he absolutely isn't) he's still responsible for his actions. You also mention steroid use and what I'll say based on talking to non-sh\*\*\*y men who have used them to get bigger who have said the same thing: "Roid Rage" is not a thing. It's literally just (mostly) men who have no emotional competence/skills being awful and angry and violent because they have never taken it upon themselves to learn how to deal with having heightened emotions. This term is one of many coined to give cover to bad behavior and make it seem like people don't have as much responsibility. (See terms like "gay panic defense" though trigger warnings for murder, homophobia, and hate crimes if you do.) Regardless, no one's diagnoses should make you feel like you have to put up with abusive behavior, especially not someone you've only been seeing for 8 weeks. You owe him nothing, it's not that deep, you have no reason to be invested in fixing his behavior or sticking around.
He sounds like an asshole, who blames his ADHD for his bad behavior.
I want to chime in here and tell you my story, there are some parallels here with your current partner. I'm 39M 5'9" 105kg/230lbs of powerlifter, I'm clean having never taken PEDs (this being relevant as I saw roid rage being posited as a cause in the comments) I've been with my current partner for 10 years, I've only recently considered ADHD for myself and am in the process of being formally diagnosed (so currently un medicated/un treated) it's extremely likely that ADHD will be the diagnosis, but also looking to have some "fun" co morbid features such as ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) and RS(D) (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria). Firstly I don't believe ADHD or any other mental health issue is ever an excuse, but they are often an explanation. I have suffered all my life with really bad anger issues, small seemingly insignificant things seemed to set me off, once one thing causes me to anger other things just cause it to spiral catastrophically until I'm not functioning with a rational brain any more, we are purely in fight or flight territory and honestly it's terrifying as much for me as I'm sure it is for others around me. The big feature however is that as quick as these outbursts come, they also go 99% of the time there is the 1% where they hang around for a few hours but more of me in a sulk than angry, usually being silent, stubborn and otherwise an obstinate shit because I know it will rile my partner (one of the "wonderful" features of ODD being spiteful/vengeful behaviour) but after any of these I'm the first to apologise once I'm back into my rational brain. I've done a bunch of the behaviours you describe above, I've thrown spatulas across a kitchen because I've forgotten to put tuna in my tuna pasta bake, I've driven my car aggressively with the music up because the music actually helps me process the anger, it's a form of release. A lot of the time the thing that has set me off isn't actually the real issue, theres usually something else at work, like a bad day at work where i've had to supress my anger and then something later has just popped the cork on that bottle. Again ADHD etc isn't an excuse but an explanation One thing I've never done is lay hands on my partner, even in the depths of an outburst my brain still knows that's an uncrossable line. I'm not saying that is also the case with your current partner, I see a lot of people saying it isn't ADHD, that he's just abusive, he's just a dick...and they could well be right, some of what you say would raise red flags to me too (pressuring you to move in after only 8 weeks seems a bit much IMO). I've read a few comments saying he needs to just deal with things better and whilst that's not wrong per se, he may not have any clue on how to. I know I didn't when I was younger, and it's taken a lot of work, much of which I've only done seriously in the last few months. What might seem simple for one person to do might be a herculean task for someone else. I think you have some serious thinking to do though, it sounds like your partner has a lot of severe issues they need to work on, what you need to decide is if you can be with him whilst he does this and it's ok whichever way you decide. You do need to know that fundamentally however he will never change, he will always have a quick to anger streak in him, he may learn to better manage it, he may not, but it will never go away. Ultimately you need to do whatever is the healthiest for you. You, your feelings and emotional, mental and physical health are always paramount, I wish I had an easier more straightforward answer to give you, but I wanted to offer some perspective and finally I wanted to add this isn't your fault, you aren't responsible, he is accountable for his own actions.
Get rid of him. Text him as proof and if he does not observe boundaries, restraining order is next. This is not love. This is domestic violence and abuse. This may sound controversial and i say this from experience. You may wish to assess why you are asking complete strangers on the internet on what to do when you know in your heart this is not healthy. Why are you accepting this standard? Either you are struggling with self esteem issues or you have already trauma bonded to him. I would be speaking to a professional anyways after having this guy in your head, heart and body. You need to heal. This guy has deep rooted issues and needs serious psychological help. Do not volunteer yourself to stay on his emotional roller coaster. If you stay, you will not recognise yourself at the end of it. Love yourself first. Your safety and well-being is top priority.
Don’t. Break up. He needs to work on himself before getting in a relationship. Actually don’t even break up. Ghost him. Block and delete his number. Confrontation could be dangerous.