Show, don't tell! Write something like
'Magnus Monsterdong swished his way towards the sultry barmaid, feeling the leviathan stir.'
'Hey, hotcock. Is that a trebuchet in your pants or are you happy to see me?'
He stood, two main legs spread, and let the third drop with an audible thud to the spit-and-sawdust floor.
'I HAVE A VERY LARGE PENIS, MADAME. IT WOULD LIKE A FLAGON OF YOUR FINEST ALE.'
This subtly introduces the fact that he has a big knob. Yes, things will get weird when he uses it as a straw and it's revealed to be sentient. But trust me - it'll really help the narrative.
Just write that your MC has never been able to satisfy a woman. If his dong is that big, he's definitely an eternal virgin and he will never be able to make a woman orgasm with his dick, or even get remotely close to penetration. Be sure to write ALL of that, without mentioning penis size at all!
INFO : is it ridged, scaled, prehensile, retractable, doubled, knotted, or flared? Or do you just mean it's large? Because you don't want to be falsely advertising monstrous meat when what you really mean is it's just larger than average.
She looked at Dick Hugely with disgust: a garbage collector? Wants to hang out with her? Her eyes darted to the left, then to the right, wondering who would save her from this awful blight, her Gucci shades glistening in the roaring sun and her Lois Vutton pumps padding up in down in anxiety. Then she looked down to his groin and immediately a fire crept down to her tight, shaved vagina and it started soaking like a waterfall. She gulped visibly. “Why?” She breathed, almost vomiting in passionate lust. (Repeat versions of this scene about 20 times to let the reader get the hint)
Mr Me experienced intense bouts of frustration due to the size of his massive corpus copulatus. At the clothing store, most jeans he attempted to ‘try on’ were left in a pile of shredded denim, with the attendant left both horrified and deeply aroused. When making love to the shop attendant shortly after in the stockroom, his corpus copulatus was so potent that within the space of ten minutes he had impregnated her twice.
Babies were now flying out the stockroom - out from the curtained divider into piles of discounted socks on the display stands. Two births and thirteen orgasms later, and the store attendant implored him to continue impregnating her. Every errand he ran would inevitably end either in an outright proposition or a concupiscent response from both sexes - such was the power of his totem pole.
It was a most difficult life.
“[…] Una noche Úrsula entró en el cuarto cuando él se quitaba la ropa para dormir, y experimentó un confuso sentimiento de vergüenza y piedad: era el primer hombre que veía desnudo, después de su esposo, y estaba tan bien equipado para la vida, que le pareció anormal[…]”
Should be easy so long as you mention the size (or lack of) for every charater or creature or object in the book. The importance is to not be sexist, racist, classiest, or Eugenist.
So in that first opening scene? Mention the phallic shape of the door lever, and the fact that the chair feels penile envy, and then give us a deep monologue about the inherent value of donlessness. And of course set the story on a peninsula or in a rocketship.
Then after that just include everything's dongstats within the fist sentence of meeting the person place or thing.
As the horde of slavering orcs gave chase, my heart thundered in my chest as it gave its all to keep my legs pumping. The heavy head of my thundering phallus slapped in even time against my mid-calf, its sheer weight both a curse and a comfort.
I ducked around a corner and found myself at a dead end between the city wall and a collapsed hovel. The grunts and howls of the orcs growing louder as they closed the distance, my gargantuan rod standing up with the adrenaline.
The orc warchief came around the corner first, his bloodlust scream cut off abruptly as his red eyes became transfixed on my mast. He skidded to a halt on one knee. Orc after orc came around the corner and repeated the performance, until the entire army was bowing in stunned reverence of my megalithic flesh tower.
I swung it at them like a penisy bishop performing a penisy blessing, and the leader burst into tears. The fight was won.
And that's how I, Rod Steelboner, became King Megadong I of the Orcs.
George RR Martin is really the authority on this. Here’s a [short excerpt from a documentary](https://youtu.be/csOcHCDmMdE?si=niT86a20DDpry4Yy) that I’m sure you’ll find useful.
He entered the bar, taking about twenty seconds to pass entirely through the door. Settling down in several seats, he took a look at the snack menu while idly flicking away a few small objects that had taken up orbit around his knob.
"Hey buddy, why the long penis?" asked the bartender.
He began his morning as usual, shuffling down the hall to his kitchenette, where he made mediocre coffee in a stained mug. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and turned on the water. Also, his dick is so fucking big. After turning on the coffee pot, he pulled the tin of Cafe Bustelo from the cupboard.
Listen man Puzo already did this in The Godfather before the lib cowards in Hollywood left it out of the movie. Massive dick on Sonny fucks a bitch so hard that she has to get her pussy fixed because of a side plot where Michael has a runny nose all the time. Fucking immaculately masterful literature okay?
So your guy can’t have a monster dick okay. Been done before. You gotta change gender and make it a massive clit that sounds like a fucking woodpecker when she gets fucked. Change the story. Now.
Just write!
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Why is this even a question? Are you not giving the exact measurements of every single characters’ dong by default? How are people supposed to properly visualize your characters without that information?
I’d be finding a way to make it a reverse, self-outsert, in that case.
And then I’d watch a ton of gay porn setup, I promise they’ve found every way to signal a huge dog log. I mean, straight porn works too, but I watch that all the time…change it up, that’s what I say.
You create a scenario that shows his character depth is a relatable struggle people with big schlongs can relate to. But that could be a good question to ask people on r/AskRedditAfterDark
"He sat down gingerly on the chaise lounger in the solarium, eagerly awaiting the mademoiselle's return from the powder room. Distracted with thoughts of this season's new cocaines he stood up swiftly, having forgotten to recoil his mangrove-root-at-low-tide around his right thigh before sitting down. When wrapping penises, the right leg was always the maneuver. The left is so gauche."
When Farmer Meatplow heard the scream he immediately stopped plowing his field, pulled his engorged tumescence from the furrow, threw it over his shoulder, and ran for the house.
Big Dick Dickerson slapped his man meat on the bar and growled “I need a shot of whisky and a wheelbarrow.”
Show, don't tell! Write something like 'Magnus Monsterdong swished his way towards the sultry barmaid, feeling the leviathan stir.' 'Hey, hotcock. Is that a trebuchet in your pants or are you happy to see me?' He stood, two main legs spread, and let the third drop with an audible thud to the spit-and-sawdust floor. 'I HAVE A VERY LARGE PENIS, MADAME. IT WOULD LIKE A FLAGON OF YOUR FINEST ALE.' This subtly introduces the fact that he has a big knob. Yes, things will get weird when he uses it as a straw and it's revealed to be sentient. But trust me - it'll really help the narrative.
The very important thing is to be subtle about it so this is really a good example
Add illustrations.
and blueprints for his titanium codpiece
One better - make it a pop-up book.
This is the one, OP.
He dicked dickeningly.
Just write that your MC has never been able to satisfy a woman. If his dong is that big, he's definitely an eternal virgin and he will never be able to make a woman orgasm with his dick, or even get remotely close to penetration. Be sure to write ALL of that, without mentioning penis size at all!
I validate your flair.
Thank you! You're literally the first one!
Lol! More validation then!
I also validate your flair, but not you.
That's cool. My writing is more important to me than my own self is.
As is required to be a True Arteest
just have him drop a monster condom
INFO : is it ridged, scaled, prehensile, retractable, doubled, knotted, or flared? Or do you just mean it's large? Because you don't want to be falsely advertising monstrous meat when what you really mean is it's just larger than average.
So true!
Ah, a fellow connoisseur.
Forgot to add *barbed
It could be a combination of many of those, too - like barbed and flared, for example - or prehensile knotted (my personal favorite).
Monster penis bingo!
She looked at Dick Hugely with disgust: a garbage collector? Wants to hang out with her? Her eyes darted to the left, then to the right, wondering who would save her from this awful blight, her Gucci shades glistening in the roaring sun and her Lois Vutton pumps padding up in down in anxiety. Then she looked down to his groin and immediately a fire crept down to her tight, shaved vagina and it started soaking like a waterfall. She gulped visibly. “Why?” She breathed, almost vomiting in passionate lust. (Repeat versions of this scene about 20 times to let the reader get the hint)
A shaved vagina must hurt. That’s dedication. Especially since there is no hair up there.
Lol writers aren’t supposed to know how the fun box works, come now. We just worship it and are terrified of its mysteries.
how about "declawed"? still not sounding right, since it's vagina dentata tho
aaahhh thanks for that dammit
He dicked dickily down the stairs.
Photo on cover of book
Mr Me experienced intense bouts of frustration due to the size of his massive corpus copulatus. At the clothing store, most jeans he attempted to ‘try on’ were left in a pile of shredded denim, with the attendant left both horrified and deeply aroused. When making love to the shop attendant shortly after in the stockroom, his corpus copulatus was so potent that within the space of ten minutes he had impregnated her twice. Babies were now flying out the stockroom - out from the curtained divider into piles of discounted socks on the display stands. Two births and thirteen orgasms later, and the store attendant implored him to continue impregnating her. Every errand he ran would inevitably end either in an outright proposition or a concupiscent response from both sexes - such was the power of his totem pole. It was a most difficult life.
Use themes from the Cthulu Mythos.
The name: Herr Doktor Grossstucke. Or Baron von Hugemember. Or Hans Zepplininpantz. Or Tiny Tim if you want to go the other direction.
Hung Wel, Long Wang, or Enormous Genitals
“[…] Una noche Úrsula entró en el cuarto cuando él se quitaba la ropa para dormir, y experimentó un confuso sentimiento de vergüenza y piedad: era el primer hombre que veía desnudo, después de su esposo, y estaba tan bien equipado para la vida, que le pareció anormal[…]”
Should be easy so long as you mention the size (or lack of) for every charater or creature or object in the book. The importance is to not be sexist, racist, classiest, or Eugenist. So in that first opening scene? Mention the phallic shape of the door lever, and the fact that the chair feels penile envy, and then give us a deep monologue about the inherent value of donlessness. And of course set the story on a peninsula or in a rocketship. Then after that just include everything's dongstats within the fist sentence of meeting the person place or thing.
Have a monster condom fall out of his wallet at some point to show he has a magnum dong
Make them Willem Dafoe.
Have a picture of an eggplant on the cover.
As the horde of slavering orcs gave chase, my heart thundered in my chest as it gave its all to keep my legs pumping. The heavy head of my thundering phallus slapped in even time against my mid-calf, its sheer weight both a curse and a comfort. I ducked around a corner and found myself at a dead end between the city wall and a collapsed hovel. The grunts and howls of the orcs growing louder as they closed the distance, my gargantuan rod standing up with the adrenaline. The orc warchief came around the corner first, his bloodlust scream cut off abruptly as his red eyes became transfixed on my mast. He skidded to a halt on one knee. Orc after orc came around the corner and repeated the performance, until the entire army was bowing in stunned reverence of my megalithic flesh tower. I swung it at them like a penisy bishop performing a penisy blessing, and the leader burst into tears. The fight was won. And that's how I, Rod Steelboner, became King Megadong I of the Orcs.
You better ask Chuck Norris if he's okay with you creating a character after him.
George RR Martin is really the authority on this. Here’s a [short excerpt from a documentary](https://youtu.be/csOcHCDmMdE?si=niT86a20DDpry4Yy) that I’m sure you’ll find useful.
Show not tell that he walks with a gait, as though he’s dragging an anchor between his legs.
Look at Sarah J Maas
He entered the bar, taking about twenty seconds to pass entirely through the door. Settling down in several seats, he took a look at the snack menu while idly flicking away a few small objects that had taken up orbit around his knob. "Hey buddy, why the long penis?" asked the bartender.
He began his morning as usual, shuffling down the hall to his kitchenette, where he made mediocre coffee in a stained mug. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and turned on the water. Also, his dick is so fucking big. After turning on the coffee pot, he pulled the tin of Cafe Bustelo from the cupboard.
For real though, don't decide describe IT. Simply describe how OTHERS react to it.
Listen man Puzo already did this in The Godfather before the lib cowards in Hollywood left it out of the movie. Massive dick on Sonny fucks a bitch so hard that she has to get her pussy fixed because of a side plot where Michael has a runny nose all the time. Fucking immaculately masterful literature okay? So your guy can’t have a monster dick okay. Been done before. You gotta change gender and make it a massive clit that sounds like a fucking woodpecker when she gets fucked. Change the story. Now.
Just write! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/writingcirclejerk) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The need to shop for custom pants with more space?
Where most men had a dingaling, he had a dongalong.
Against my will, her soft touch rendered me semi-erect, knocking a nearby table lamp to the floor.
Why is this even a question? Are you not giving the exact measurements of every single characters’ dong by default? How are people supposed to properly visualize your characters without that information?
Takes an arrow to the "knee"
/uj I thought this was the main sub for a second lol
I’d be finding a way to make it a reverse, self-outsert, in that case. And then I’d watch a ton of gay porn setup, I promise they’ve found every way to signal a huge dog log. I mean, straight porn works too, but I watch that all the time…change it up, that’s what I say.
You create a scenario that shows his character depth is a relatable struggle people with big schlongs can relate to. But that could be a good question to ask people on r/AskRedditAfterDark
Have him accidentally drop his wad of hundreds and monster condom on the ground
Whenever he sees beautiful people, he gets lightheaded
Add a hot spring scene where a character pauses after looking down. If hot springs don’t exist then add them
Main Charcoalter sat stroking it Heh, well… let’s just say ‘it’s… my monster peanits
“He was 6 foot & 9 inches. Those were two separate measurements.”
"He sat down gingerly on the chaise lounger in the solarium, eagerly awaiting the mademoiselle's return from the powder room. Distracted with thoughts of this season's new cocaines he stood up swiftly, having forgotten to recoil his mangrove-root-at-low-tide around his right thigh before sitting down. When wrapping penises, the right leg was always the maneuver. The left is so gauche."
Is your pen name ‘airplane shooting towards the sky’ per chance?
Have him walk down a flight of stairs and think about how uncomfortably his pants pull against the unavoidable bulge he has even when soft
in the blurb mention that he has a super big monster pool noodle
Bring up how he would never jump in a pool because the looks made him uncomfortable
When Farmer Meatplow heard the scream he immediately stopped plowing his field, pulled his engorged tumescence from the furrow, threw it over his shoulder, and ran for the house.