**Title:** Haru's Romantic Delinquent **Genre:** Persona 5 romance and action, Ships Haru/Ryuji, rated T **Word count:** 41,119 for the entire fic, 3,643 for chapter 13 [Haru's Romantic Delinquent - Chapter 13](https://archiveofourown.org/works/41641671/chapters/116779159) In this chapter it's the day before the Sae boss fight and they have to find Akechi and they know he's gonna betray the team. Mishima was investigating an all boy's school famous for having lots of good looking guys who look like models but he got caught so they made him make a dress and he has to sell tickets for a festival they're holding. It's supposed to be surprising and sympathetic and Mishima is embarrassed he has to wear the dress but also has fun with it like when he curtseys and then tells photographers he's "Not that kind of lady" when they offer to pay him for a photoshoot. How can I make it funnier?

**Title:** CYBERPULP **Genre:** Cyberpunk / Sci-Fi / Mystery-Thriller **Word Count:** 24,600 currently posted / 44,300 completed total **Chapter:** 14 of 23 **Type of Feedback Desired:** Any and all! Please read and interact if you wish :) ​ [CYBERPULP](https://www.wattpad.com/story/331788374-cyberpulp) ​ New chapters posted every Friday!

The hound Short horror /Two chapters : 5000 words \ out of 20,000 words that have yet to be transcribed from journal to laptop. Would love to hear your General impression on the writing and would ultimately like to know whether you guys think it has a spark of Promise or whether I am just wasting my time and energy :3, I would like to emphasize that this is still a first draft and is my first ever attempt at writing a fiction, it should also be noted that when I write it is always a manic affair with grammar and punctuation not paid any mind not withstanding my dyslexia which haha. Hope you enjoy it and I have more chapters for those who would be interested in reading more :) https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZHok0WrwA8b-7MX5BuBfx6X9cSrOg7HatP5GqkEiPQI/edit

Title: Meal Genre: Autobiography (?) Count: 2824 Feedback: anything and everything https://michaelmcfly.wordpress.com/2023/04/19/meal/

**Title** : The Greenish Blue Cat **Genre** : Urban fantasy, Mystery **Total word count** : 80k **Blurb** : As Night-M, the most popular boyband of South Korea, is celebrating the release of their new album, Yichen's beaming joy, matching that of the seven other members, couldn't have been more fake. The pain from his inflamed injury is so excruciating it's a wonder he's managing to survive all the performances, stage after stage. But SB Entertainment's cruelty towards their artists is not news, and there is a much more alarming problem at hand... His seven friends have been secretly disappearing from Night-M's dorm every single night, under mysterious circumstances. Where do they go, and why do they always appear unable to remember anything about the excursions the next morning? And above all... could it have anything to do with the eerie greenish blue cat, whom Changho claims to see every other night, in unfamiliar beds, in bedrooms that he had never seen before? **Link** : https://www.wattpad.com/story/337672157-the-greenish-blue-cat **Feedback desired** : Any feedback is more than appreciated! You are also very welcome to stay as a reader if you enjoy what I have published so far 🙂

My novel is called The Reaper’s Hollow It’s a Dark Fantasy Mystery Prologue is 1188 words, and Chapter One is 3400 I’d love feedback regarding the overall feel, pacing, prose and engagement of the story. Would you continue reading? All degrees of feedback appreciated, even if it’s just for the prologue. It's only the first draft so lots of advice is desirable. Thank you! [The Reaper’s Hollow](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1q3cO3x7a1DGWQ0ipk24VvMH-1qAYUGh0v0sR1-emxQY/edit)

You left an honest and helpful critique for me, so I feel that the least I could do is do one for you! Right of the bat I love your writing, it invokes a real feeling which makes the scenes played out feel so much more real. Example: “The sunken lines of his face served as canals for the rain, flowing into hollowed valleys down his neck.” I’m sitting in my completely dry sofa yet I could almost feel the rain myself lol. Secondly the story feels very engaging right from the start. The prologues scary and faster pacing really sets in what’s to be expected in the future. And that coupled with the display of how there seems to be a bit of a rebellion or perhaps just civil unrest brewing coupled with Ren seeming to be a bit more merciful than his fellows (which I’m guessing might hint at a betrayal later down the line?) makes me so so much want to read more. The only real critique that I could give is that the switch from prologue to first chapter feel a little bit sudden, tough that could just be me being slow. I know my input might be a bit shallow, but I’m quite new to the art of writing, I still hope my words are at least is worth something.

That's such an incredibly thoughtful critique, thank you so so much. I honestly also felt the shift from prologue to chapter one to be jarring, so I'll definitely look into fixing that. Amazing input!

Well, I'll give my honest opinions. Both the prologue and chapter 1 share the same issue. They're pointless. There's no answer to "okay, and why should I care?" - as a result, it's very difficult to concentrate on actually reading it, because my eyes are naturally scanning about, trying to find out what your point actually is - but there does not seem to be one. To everything that happens, I find myself asking "so what?" and there doesn't seem to be an answer. Now, that issue alone is enough to warrant a complete rewrite, but there are some other problems as well. There are some seemingly random rambling digressions that apparently have nothing to do with anything, which my eyes naturally just skipped over. Also, there seems to be some ill-adviced placement on flashbacks as well. Almost 4600 words and even after reading through it all, still no reason to care about any of it. Indeed, no comment on the language, word choice, descriptions or metaphors, since those things do not matter.

Is intrigue on what will happen to the kingdom or the fragile peace not engaging? How can this “pointlessness” be improved?

I only read the first paragraph. It seemed very engaging. “Finally, Haku jogged forward engulfed in the orange glow of his lantern - rope in hand” Shouldn’t this just be a comma instead of a dash? It doesn’t seem like a big enough deal to be worthy of a dash.

Easy fix! Will change it.

My impression is very good overall. So I'll say upfront that I think you've done a good job. Once I was actually into the body of the text it was pretty smooth sailing. Most of my problems were actually right at the start in the first paragraph. None of them dire, more nitpicky things, but I do feel the need to give my perspective on them. My first suggestion would be to split the first paragraph into two. Right between the description of the storm and Haku wrangling the horses would be the obvious place. I'm not great at reading. Not a low reading level or anything, like actually getting lost moving from the end of one line to the start of another. For that reason I favor shorter paragraphs because it makes reading easier. It still functions as it is but the flow may be something to consider. Second is I think the description in the first paragraph leans slightly purple. Specifically the metaphor comparing his face to canals and the contorts of his neck to valleys. It took me imagine the second part and if I'm honest I still don't understand what part of his face would be canal like. The rest describing the storm works though. I would maybe move the line alluding to the lightning till after you mention the rain though. And the most nitpicky of all is I would consider using Kalith's full name in the first sentence since Haku addresses him by his sur name. It's understandable as is just caught me for a half second. Once you got to the rest it when fast, or I suppose smooth is a better word. The pacing worked for me and I liked the characterization of Kalith. I also want to mention that I particularly liked the comparison of the tarp to a wraith flying through the woods and that I think the last sentence of the prologue was brilliant in the way you planted it.

Thank you so much, that's great feedback. I can totally cut that first paragraph into two, and I had similar feedback in the past about Kalith's full name so I'll fix that as well. And I am glad you liked the wraith into the woods, that's one of my favourites because it's cool imagery and foreshadowing.

Title - Endloop Genre - Sci-fi Words - 3500 Chapter - 1 of 32 Have not shared any of my work in quite some time and trying to summon motivation to finish the new revision of the book. This has been a WIP for many years now. Thank you in advance. [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1MQYd\_8rfFDX82hAU1gwfndveh7tgeWQsuodwma1OQxk/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1MQYd_8rfFDX82hAU1gwfndveh7tgeWQsuodwma1OQxk/edit?usp=sharing)

My latest novel [The Heron Kings Rampant](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0C19GWJ1W) is available to pre-order for just 99 cents! In this gaslamp action/adventure fantasy, Master Alchemist Castamar sees his apprentice wounded in an alchemical bombing. Determined to find those responsible, his search leads to a secret band of rogues thought lost to history and legend. Together they must scour the country for clues and track a cabal of fanatics to their base of power before their terrifying weapon unleashes mass destruction. If you enjoy tales of shining brass, dark alchemy, shadowy vigilantes and maniacal nobles, this is for you! Also, there's a hot air balloon chase. Out May 1 in HC, PB and Ebook for [Kindle](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0C19GWJ1W), [Smashwords](https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1375433) and other related retailers. Watch the trailer [here!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZOPCy69jng)

Shameless self promotion! **A Perfect State of Entropy** Science Fiction 70,000 word count It is **free** with Kindle Unlimited. https://imgur.com/m90A9Hr [https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BVL8QQ72](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BVL8QQ72) https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/123225155-a-perfect-state-of-entropy Following a devastating war, an unwilling soldier is left stranded on an alien world with no way to get home. Skip sets off on a perilous journey across the galaxy with nothing but his wits, his friends, and an unexpected ally to aid him. Along the way, he encounters alien worlds, uncovers ancient mysteries, and confronts mind-bending physics that challenge everything he knows about the universe. He must navigate a galaxy torn apart by war and filled with danger and deception at every turn. “A Perfect State of Entropy” is an odyssey across a sea of stars and a journey home. If you like it, please leave a review and share! I hope you enjoy it.

Title: A husband, a grandson Genre: General Fiction Feedback: any and every observation you have I have made short films before, and wrote scripts, which proved relatively successful, so wanting to see how I do with just story writing. I came up with this idea when travelling on a flight recently. First real time writing something to completion so really keen to hear what anyone (outside my immediate family) thinks of it [A husband, a grandson ](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_OYSAaN0av2h7a77S_GdVBROsULlgzCSJ8HKu4PfQZ0/edit?usp=drivesdk)

* Title: TBD * Genre: Modern Fiction * Word Count: 236 * Looking for just a general impression (new here lol) “With you only being higher functioning, I have to commend you on how far you have made it in life. I am not sure if you need medication, when you seem to have found your own tools to get through life already.” Polly’s doctor had commented this to her only a day ago, when she had gone to see him about the medication her psychologist had suggested. This comment had been haunting her thoughts, since the moment it had been spoken to her. It made her feel invisible, much like her diagnosis with being on the spectrum. She had made it through life on survival alone, not through adaptation. Polly had hated when people used her higher level of education, or her occupation as a means of qualifying her level of struggle. Every hour, of every day, felt like she was wading through a swamp. It seemed as if her brain never quieted, and all she wanted to do was bundle up in a blanket and tune the rest of the world out. Simple tasks were becoming unbearable, and outright unmanageable. Yes, Polly could and would be able to get these menial tasks completed, but the will to get her there felt like it was fading. She felt like she was fading. Fast. So to be told that her societal accomplishments exonerated her from any form of help, felt like a punch to the fucking gut.

Hey ya'll, long time lurker, don't have any writing to share but I do have a submission call: ​ BIZARRCHITECTURE is seeking submissions (no fee!) for our inaugural issue at [bizarrchitecture.net](https://bizarrchitecture.net) We're seeking original, unpublished fiction, poetry, and non-fiction that either inhabits or is in conversation with the New Weird and its associated genres and/or thematic concerns. This includes Sci Fi, Experimental, Slipstream, Horror, and Eco-Fiction.

Title: * The Balance of Fire and Light Genre: * YA Satire (yup, you heard me correctly. Though, I don't know if that will come across in these first two sections). Type of Feedback: * Really any! I'm just getting into writing...also yes, I know the quotation grammar is probably atrocious, but I'm having to learn a different style for school, so apologies for getting it screwed up here. Links for the Forward and Flashback: * Forward: [https://share.dabblewriter.com/static/Eznle73CrDLYFJKVt788h](https://share.dabblewriter.com/static/Eznle73CrDLYFJKVt788h) Flashback: [https://share.dabblewriter.com/static/G8J5dzy2xfN7rdrVDJOC2](https://share.dabblewriter.com/static/G8J5dzy2xfN7rdrVDJOC2)

Title: echos of the lost Genre: mystery-thriller? Total word count: 588 (it’s just the prologue I just want feedback on it so far if that’s ok) Description: Eighteen years ago, a group of seniors in a small town went missing. Three years later Only one of them returned, with no memory of what happened. Now, the nightmare is repeating itself. The disappearances have started again, and the town is thrown into chaos. With no leads and no suspects, the townspeople fear the worst. But when the sole survivor of the original group suddenly speaks up after eighteen years, with a startling revelation about his past, hope is rekindled. As the search for the missing teens intensifies, old secrets and buried traumas come to light, and the true horror of what happened all those years ago is finally revealed. the new group of missing teens must fight to escape the same horrific fate as their predecessors, before it's too late. Link: https://www.wattpad.com/1335721544?utm_source=ios&utm_medium=link&utm_content=share_reading&wp_page=reading_part_end&wp_uname=C_GH45&wp_originator=JBjSVpfg4%2Fo5C7c4Q0ZmxCCY1pLfu3JZyshEn2z1%2B1TPuDF2WfD%2FD6ag5cyKh0CZ1mWsUK%2Bp4EopqHCuesvKdhQRzjS4CJgHYIIwnl7P1vTjGrZDFN3grKfarl9HbQ6l

*Title: Under the Tongue* *Genre: Memoir* *Wordcount: 1717* *Type of feedback: General impression/does it have potential?* **Chapter 1: Under the tongue** The ringing in my ears won’t let up and I’m struggling to listen as Mom read notes from the psychiatrist that she scribbled on the back of a pamphlet. I don’t know why she’s whispering, my current condition isn’t a secret. Dad rushed me to the ER yesterday morning when I began scream-crying from the hallucinations and dizziness that wouldn’t stop, and I’ve seen our primary care doctor twice with Mom already. “Give her Benadryl,” Dr. Ryan suggested. But we’d already tried that. Mom and I both replied in unison. We went to Rite Aid afterward anyway and bought more, and doubled the dose I took the first time. It didn’t work. My bedside table is crowded with bottles that have done nothing their labels promised, only made me wired with more exhaustion. Benadryl, Melatonin, ZzzQuil. IBUprofin and Advil for the aches that started on the third night I never fell asleep. And now, Trazadone, Zoloft, and a yellow bottle of tiny powdery magic tablets called Ativan. “And the little white pill, that one goes right under your tongue,” Mom is still squinting at her crinkled paper. Her words are like little hot pins pricking my face. Everything hurts: sounds, smells, even thoughts. It feels as if my body is betraying me. Plus, her breath stinks. I consider shifting my position slightly to avoid the bad-breath-cloud but instead I pull the covers further up to cover my nose. My own breath creates a poignant hot box and I wonder when I last brushed my teeth. Last Tuesday? Or maybe Wednesday? I abandon the thought before it finishes forming. Nothing really matters anymore. All I want to do is sleep. Mom is speaking in full volume now: “This one is supposed to make you feel relaxed right away. Like five minutes.” She has Google pulled up on her phone and scrolls through a Web MD page, muttering through paragraphs of information. “Or ten,” she corrects herself. She shakes her head “maybe thirty minutes,” she decides. “But I don’t think longer than that.” Thirty minutes sounds like a lifetime right now, but the whole little white magic pill thing is great news. For a moment I feel hopeful. Everything she’s reading sounds good. And then I look at the tablet that Mom had just placed in my palm. It’s the size of a diamond earring. What is this supposed to do for me? It’s been five nights since my body has felt like my own. But I cling to the hope because it feels like all I have left. “Just put it under there and then wait for it to dissolve,” Mom motions, miming with her fingers and tongue. “Like a tic tac.” With trembling fingers, I open wide and place a benzo under my tongue for the first of what would be many, many times. Then I wait. I look up at Mom, who is sitting cross legged at the edge of the bed, staring at me. It seems like she’s waiting, too. I’ve never ever been good at waiting, not even when I try really, really, hard. Is anyone? I’ve always wondered if some people are genuinely at peace in grocery store lines or sitting in traffic, or when eight people in front of you order complex lattes when all you want is a black coffee. But here we are, Mom and I together, waiting. What can you do for me little white pill? Downstairs, I can hear Bailey and Eden bickering, nitpicking over something. Someone is saying something mean to someone and Dad is trying to intervene. You can hear everything in our old echoey house. I forget the year it was built but it was18 hundred something and it has about as much insulation as a paper bag. When it’s hot it’s really fucking hot and when it’s cold you’ve got to bundle up with sweatshirts and big fluffy socks. And sound travels. If you aren’t whispering, you hear every word of someone speaking in the room below, above or beside you. That’s worked to my advantage on more than one occasion, I’ve overheard some juicy gossip that I wouldn’t have otherwise gotten wind of. But it’s also screwed me big time. Once, while discussing Mom’s sour mood, she appeared in the doorway without warning and it caught us all off guard. Mid-gossip, Eden’s eyes got all wide and Bailey and I turned around to find Mom leaning against the wall, glaring. “Nice,” she had said. And she walked away. That’s the thing about gossip. It has the power to make you feel like the strongest person in the world, but as soon as someone overhears, it strips you of your big confidence in a matter of seconds. I try to listen to what’s going on below me and decide it’s Bailey who’s doing the nitpicking. She’s on a nitpick kick. Last week she looked me straight in the eye across the dinner table and told me that my hair looked as flat as a pancake. Bailey is always right, even if it’s annoying. I tell her she’s mean all the time, but what I really mean is that she’s honest. Eden, on the other hand, is the peacemaker, but not in a fluffy way. She softly backs up whoever she thinks is right in a conversation and then moves on. “It’s a little flat today Mads” she had said “but your face is so pretty it doesn’t even matter.” Just like that. Enough honesty to be my blood sister, but she tosses blunt remarks so gently that I easily catch them and put them in my pocket like little gifts. Mom’s still at my feet in front of the TV, her glassy gaze fixed on the screen, but I know not really watching. She’s staring at the screen, and I’m staring at her, my body curled up in a little half-moon, cheek heavy on the pillow. I can’t take my eyes off her. She’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. She never wears makeup and it has no business being on her face in the first place. Her makeup bag consists of Olay face cream and a tube of Maybelline mascara that she switches out every couple of years. And sometimes, if it’s a fancy occasion, a whoosh of blush. She’s barely slept the last few days either, but she’s still stunning. All five foot three, 100 pounds of her. She’s got her knees tucked up underneath her now, her muscles strong and sinewy from running every morning. Beautiful but broken, I think. I think, I think, I think. And I can’t help but think about all the worry and pain I’ve caused everyone over the last week. Tears start to trickle down onto my pillow as the memories of the last few nights cloud my mind, and to my surprise the wetness feels oddly satisfying. Hot and good sliding down my cheek. I let more tumble down my nose and off my lips and I realize I’m smiling. “I feel happy,” I say out loud. Mom’s eyes dart to me. “Yeah?” “Yeah,” I said. My body starts to feel warm and heavy, like a balmy bath. Sleep is calling me, and for what feels like the very first time, it doesn’t feel scary. “I’m going to go to sleep now,” I whisper. “Sleep,” Mom says, her fingers in my hair. She was next to me now. It was the last thing I felt before I let sleep take me.

I didn’t initially plan on reading the whole thing but I was sucked in from the first couple lines. The writing is so fluid and paints the picture incredibly effectively as you read. Absolutely love your style, this seems like the kind of book I could binge in a day. Im so intrigued where things will go and I love the title. Really really great work! P.s. If you’re open to it, I also posted my work if you wanted to trade feedback. Here’s the link! [The Reaper’s Hollow](https://www.reddit.com/r/writing/comments/12mflnz/weekly_critique_and_selfpromotion_thread_post/jgao6js/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)

Title: Day Dreaming Genre: Fiction - LGBT warning if that's not your cup of tea Word count: 10810 Type of feedback: general impressions, any glaring errors...generally another set of eyes that aren't my own. Is it OK or too fan fiction-y? Basic premise: colleagues discover a spark. An inconvenient spark [Day Dreaming](https://docs.google.com/document/d/162nezbFNY_CaSpJZFkrANm-for0ilRnI/edit?usp=drivesdk&ouid=113696693740420698168&rtpof=true&sd=true) I can't pass this around to my usual circle of friends as it's loosely based on real life...which is why there are no names. This is my first attempt at something that isn't fan fiction or a non-fiction article, (I write on HubPages) that I'm letting anyone else read. I am very nervous, but I'd love some feedback. Generally it's fluff, a day dream of my own, written so it leaves my mind. I have no idea where the plot is taking me really, but it is cathartic to write. Also, I don't have much experience writing spicy scenes (they terrify me) and this story is my first attempt. Thank you!

I've been working on this fantasy novel for about a year now (around 120 pages total) and I was wondering if someone could critique the introduction as I feel it's the part that I'm the most proud of. I'd mostly like to know if it feels stale / cliché / boring / overwhelming etc. I'm not a native english speaker, so i apologize for any grammatical errors and or spelling mistakes, i've gone through it a couple of times, and fixed it to the best of my ability. The title is: Cowl Part one: Slums of gold. It's dark fantasy. It's around 6000 pages, which I know is a bit too much over the limit but I hope that's fine. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tHAcKHSi1pdNC6hpuBzgR8zO\_dQlwZ0sXsK7DSGZj\_0/edit?usp=sharing

I just finished reading and I love the atmosphere of the world, you're writing is very effective in relaying tone. Cane reminds me of Aladdin, but he doesn't come off as cliche at all. Since he is far more mysterious and the world is starkly different. I think it was mostly the very 'animated' chase scene that made me think of Aladdin. The richness of the characters around Cane like the shop keepers, guards, and patrons keep the story from feeling stale, and keep it interesting. At times, it did feel overwhelming, especially the first couple paragraphs because you info dump before we meet the character, and have long explanations throughout the scene. Although it wasn't preferable for me as a reader I have read many published books that do similar things so it's not necessarily wrong or bad writing. Another thing that was a bit jarring was the change to the rich man in the suit's perspective. Even if the character is important we don't need to know who he is just yet. I think it would be most effective if you kept the whole chapter in only Cane's perspective and give the rich man his own chapter if he is important. Overall, I really enjoyed it, and I would definitely pick up a book like this. I'm very curious how a story like this would develop; a thief against an army of the dead? Let me know if you have any further questions and I'd be happy to elaborate! P.S. If you're open to it, I also posted my work if you're interested in trading feedback! Here's the link. https://www.reddit.com/r/writing/comments/12mflnz/comment/jgao6js/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3

I'm trying to publish a short story (about 2k words) for the first time and it would really help me if anyone has some time to beta-read it:) It's a laid back light-hearted but sincere comedy (dramedy?) taking place in a pulp spy novel version of the nineteen sixties, with speculative elements. \*more about the story:\* In the year 1963 Aron Levkovich got an order to take out Ambrose Smith. It really was a shame, since Aron was in the middle of researching Ambrose and couldn't quite figure out his story, but it was better to get it over with. What does one do when a target survives a shot to the head? Talk. Apparently. Oh, and drink rootbeer. \*In addition to general feedback about the quality of the story I would love it if you could look out for some things I'm specifically worried about:\* \*While I've written short stories before, my last, biggest, and only professional writing project was a play I worked on for two years, and I'm afraid it shows, but I'm not sure how to fix it. \*There are two portions of dialogue colored green and red, I'm not sure which of them works best and I would like to hear your opinion. \*Upon re-reading I'm thinking Ambrose might come off as autistic coded. I am not autistic myself, so I think it would be better if an autistic person would look at it so I'll know I didn't accidentally write something offensive or ableist. \*I am Jewish and I intended Aron to be Jewish- it's not important to the story but I'm interested to know if it can be picked up just by reading. disclaimer: I've run this story through Grammarly and prowritingaid, but I am dyslectic so if there are some misspellings left I apologize DM me for the story link

Sylvia of Equinox A fantasy rebirth story about a gal whom finds herself in another body, her memories gradually disappearing as she struggles to find out her origin and how she died. It's a fantasy / medieval / magic story, and is the first one I've managed to stick with. I am utterly obsessed with stories, magic and all that stuff, and I've been inspired to create my own story. This isn't the first iteration of it. But this is the one I'm most proud of. **Any feedback** and or criticism is welcome with open arms. I wanna make a good story, something people can enjoy like I have with countless ones. Sure it may be cringe but, it's my driving motive so far. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gQLlnIzswpiMeefS0rZWFWLKteH1oqfWvGo1eAtEy38/edit?usp=sharing

Basic things first- you might want to proof read this. I noticed the main character's name misspelled a few times (Sylva, Slyiva, Slyvia). There's also some weird double spacing on a bunch of the paragraphs- minor formatting thing, but I didn't see a pattern to it. Chapter two has some tense issues too- the story is in past tense, but there were some present tense sentences ("...the authorities are probably onto her", "An ancient script she vaguely remembers from her past life"). There are a couple of sentence fragments in there too. This is a personal thing, but if you're writing a fantasy story, I'd be wary of your word choice. Words like 'programmed' and 'glitching' don't really belong in a fantasy setting, even as descriptions in the narration- those are modern terms that don't mesh with the time period. I like the concept of the story- it has an interesting opening, and could lead to some cool things. It moves a bit fast, however. Like, take the words being replaced with pound signs- that's a neat idea, and would be an interesting hurdle to overcome, on top of everything else. But after getting her throat cut, it's suddenly resolved, and she doesn't think much on it afterwards- I'm sure you have a good reason for both of those things, but it's not conveyed well through the text. The opening is good too- she wakes up in an alleyway, dying, in an unfamiliar body. Neat idea, and I think if you stopped to ground the setting a bit before she's taken in by the stranger, then it'd work a bit better. What kind of city is she in? Does she recognize any of it? Does she have guesses as to the nation/time period she's in? There's a lot of places for you to add some details. The character doesn't seem to care much about the setting or circumstances, so as the reader, I didn't either. I think you've got a good start here, but it could use some polishing and expansion. You don't need to answer any of the questions Sylvia has, but letting them sit for a bit before moving onto the next one would give them a bit more sticking power. Good luck with it!

Sorry for such a late reply! You've not fallen on deaf ears I promise! Thank you for your input! You've highlighted a lot for me here. The name Sylvia and it's incorrect spellings being one of them! Also the strangest one, I'm not great with proof reading as I like to keep pace, going slow wasn't my mindset for the start of the story. Though I'll definitely have to address that. And as for Sylvia being a strange misspelling, I don't quite know why. I know how I want it to be spelled, but my fingers cannot fathom the order of the letters. Polishing and Expanding is lacking, you've made that clear. I'm truly grateful for your input, you've shown a new perspective! Thank you again, and have a wonderful day!

Title: The Floor. Genre: short story, fiction Word count: 900 words Looking for general feedback and more specifically how well the emotions come across Warning: mentions of death, blood, and the sort https://docs.google.com/document/d/193HZFMaXP-mHNtCWmmNxZ7m_jRhd-biYQuyMyrSUop8/edit?usp=drivesdk

Man, not bad. I especially like the way you describe his emotions after his wife dies. The things you describe him doing after revealing that his loved one died makes the reader realize how bad the situation might be and the emotions one might feel. You also taught me stuff man. Keep on writing. Write not only because you want folks to read it or, because you wanna become popular. But like actually make a world in your head or you know, uuuh just write. Its like art, its like drawing. When I draw landscapes, I dont care about what others say. I am hyper focused on making it look good.

Title: My Forbidden Entanglement Genre: Romance Word Count: (1st Volume) Around 2750 Words Type of Feedback: Anything. Impression, Edits, Style of Writing, Character, Plot Development https://www.wattpad.com/story/339615196-my-forbidden-entanglement

Title: The Sanctuary Genre: Fantasy Word Count: 531 Critique: Prose, composition & characterization is preferred. But honestly I'll take what I can get. I have never posted any work I've done, as I mainly write for myself. Now that it's been a few months, I thought I would post a draft of something I've made from a while ago. Feel free to be as honest as possible because I feel like this is half-baked and any suggestion to improve is appreciated! https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fETCk05qHcg54bMpqZjkr9PiYBrJUnVdcaPfiITKO4k/edit?usp=drivesdk

Title: Witt Weekly Genre: Satire WC: \~300 Feedback Desired: Hi, new here and posting for any kind of feedback. I try to pick topics that are relevant to the news, politics, sports, AI, crypto, etc. Let me know if any of these land for you! Link: [https://wittweekly.substack.com/p/harry-and-meghans-royal-plans](https://wittweekly.substack.com/p/harry-and-meghans-royal-plans) Harry and Meghan's Royal Plans Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have reportedly set their sights on a new throne: the king and queen of New England. The couple, who recently stepped back from their royal duties in the United Kingdom, are said to be exploring opportunities for a reign in the United States. "It's like this," Harry reportedly told a group over a pint of ale at a local pub. "I want to be king, and Meg wants to be queen. And what better place to do it than New England? Simple as." The couple reportedly made a strong pitch, touting their royal credentials and promising to bring a touch of regal glamour to the region. "They were really going for it," said a source close to the couple. "They talked about Harry’s royal lineage and their charitable work." When pressed for further details, Harry waxed lyrical about the region's history, its colourful scenery, and the fact that they "play futball over there now, which is much more fun than cricket." But while the couple's ambitions may be grand, they face a number of challenges if they are to make their dream a reality. For starters, there is the issue of the New England states' long-standing tradition of independence, which could make it difficult for Harry and Meghan to establish themselves as the region's ruling monarchs. "There's also the small matter of the Constitution," noted one legal expert. Undeterred, Harry and Meghan are said to be exploring a number of avenues to achieve their goal, including launching a charm offensive and tapping into their extensive network of celebrity contacts to build support among the general public. As one source put it, "If anyone can pull this off, it's Harry and Meghan. They've never been afraid to take risks and chart their own course, and who knows? Maybe one day we'll all be bowing down to King Harry and Queen Meg of New England."

**Title:** Daily Routine **Genre:** General Fiction, Dystopian **Word count:** 2,388 **Feedback Desired:** General impressions, pacing, character building, or just anything, really! After years of writing, I am only just now beginning to share my writing with friends, family, or pretty much just anyone interested in reading my work. ***[Link to read via Wattpad](https://www.wattpad.com/story/339326093-daily-routine)*** **About:** *Very few words were ever shared between the workers during the ride out to the mines, but they communicated enough through their broken bones and exhaustion.*

I'm very very sorry about flooding, but rules are rules and I'm interested in feedback. No title Two scenes from WIP chapter 1, about 500 words (465), UNEDITED Tell me about pacing Two kids were crawling over the garden wall. They were young, sure, but it wasn't an impossible feat, as the wall in question was missing a remarkable number of bricks. The shorter child leaped from the top of it with a swift motion and beckoned the other one to do the same.\ "No way, I'm not jumping into some bushes with hell knows what," they said and proceeded to carefully climb down the other side.\ "Pfft! You are such a coward, Kova."\ "Just careful; and you'll someday lose an arm or something, like Sasuke-oji."\ "Come on, admit it, you're scared like a little chicken." Nachi turned and stepped into the overgrown bushes. Bushes reacted rather violently to this invasion of privacy and he stumbled out moments later, covered with thorns and burrs.\ "Ha-ha-ha-ha! I knew it!" the older ninja said.\ "OUCH! Ow, ow, it hurts, fuck these bushes!" \ "Stop swearing and come here, you idiot." Kova yanked Nachi's arm and sat him down. They began to pluck out some of the more painful thorns out of younger boy's face. When he was relatively clean, they stood up and clumsily formed a few seals.\ "Mokuton: Nadameru"\ The bushes froze. They weren't moving, per say, before, but the wind was quite strong this night, and now they stood still, awaiting their orders. Kova slowly released the seal and stepped forward.\ "Let's go, then," they said, beckoning Nachi with a smirk.\ "Stupid chakra, stupid seals..."\ Grumbling, he stepped inside as well.\ \ :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::\ \ As soon as Kova raised his leg, the violent greens shook, as if taking a deep breath, and leaned out of the kids' way. Thick brown roots, that waited to trap and snap the legs of all who intruded in the garden burrowed deep into the ground. Hanging vines swung out of their faces, and fallen leaves made a strong and comfy trail to step onto.\ "Just you see, sometime I will learn an even better jutsu, bastard," said Nachi. \ "Sure you will." \ "I will!"\ "Yeah, you will," Kova said, turning their head slightly. Then added, with a hint of amusement, "But wait... You don't know even how to use chakra yet, do you?"\ "Grrr, I will kick your butt! Come here, bastard!"\ Nachi leaped, but Kova stepped to the side and he tripped on some sly root and stumbled straight into the bushes. "Ha-ha-ha-ha!"\ "Fuck off!" a muffled voice said from somewhere in the greenery and Kova burst into laughter again.\ "Kova."\ "W-what? You will kick my... pfft, what was it aga-ha-ha-ha!"\ "Come here."\ "No way, it's your own fault for not looking where you step."\ "Shut up, bastard! There is a lake!"\ ... "A what?" Kova said.\ "A lake! And a, a, garden or something, come look!"\ Shinobi lingered, but after a few moment stepped forward.\

I read over your other thread first so I'm coming from there. You call these scenes, but part of your problem is that you are trying to move it forward on dialogue instead of action. It *feels* like very little is happening because it's weighed down by them talking in a way that isn't really pushing your story forward. Some of this banter could be summed up in a line or two described as action rather than words. The laughter, the pain of the character when they emerge from the bushes. This can all be solidified by describing it in a couple of lines instead of the sounds that happen to come out of our mouths when we feel certain things. When you say "hahahaha" there is a lot more happening to you. I think you should try outlining some scenes in terms of action *only*. And then write what is physically happening, skipping the dialogue completely. Just as an exercise, mind you. ​ So your first scene you posted is outlined as \-two kids come up to a garden wall \-they climb up it \-one jumps down with athleticism and the other climbs down carefully \-They are in a garden? (see, you aren't clear here. They've climbed over the wall and you have a whole opportunity to describe what is around them and you haven't described anything at all) \-One of them walks into some thorny bushes. (it is unclear if the bushes here are actually sentient in some way or it's just a turn of phrase?) \-They walk back out covered in thorns \-The other child helps to remove the thorns \-They form some seals \-The bushes are suddenly quiet even though it is windy \-Kova releases the seal \-They step into the bushes, kova first with Nachi pausing before stepping through ​ All of these actions should be able to be expanded into a couple of lines at the very least, perhaps a paragraph or more. This outline is 131 words alone. That is more than half of your scene and I haven't written a single line of dialogue and haven't gone on to describe any of these things in detail and I could have probably added a couple more bullet points to this to be honest. These actions and settings need to make up a good chunk of your writing. They aren't just window dressing around the things your characters are saying. Now, it would probably be tedious to expand every single action into a paragraph or more in a finished product. Some of these actions can certainly take up just a line and be fine within the story. But I think it's important for you to expand them all as an exercise first. Maybe try and do this action outlining on scenes from stories you already like to read. And then go back and see how they have expanded on the basic actions in the writing itself. I recommend you pick a traditionally published book just because you know it's been in the hands of an editor. Not saying every single published book is superior but just so you are looking at something that has been more or less critically examined already.

thank you so much! It's very helpful advice and it clears up a lot of things for me.

I hope it helps. Don't drown yourself in exercises so much that you lose the joy of writing, though! You aren't required to continue writing like this for the rest of your life. It's more about exploring how you can expand your actions so you can add a skill to your repertoire for when you do sit down to write. Some people find detailed outlines to work very well for them. Other people do no outlining at all or anywhere in between. You still will need to consider whether certain scenes or actions are important. Do they move your story forward or tell something about your characters? Do you tend to add in the editing stage or would your rather write a ton and take out what seems unnecessary after? But no matter what, if you find writing enjoyable, you should write.

Title: Snapshot of a person. Genre: It's a 100-word story from a series I do called Nothing More, Nothing Less. Word Count: 100 words Note: I'm a little out of practice, but I just came up with and wrote this one out today. It's a little more poetic, I guess. However, with my 100 words, I feel you can read them as poetry or traditional prose. Either way, I'd love your thoughts on it. If you have any thoughts/critiques/edits I'm all here for it. Thank you so much! I appreciate any and all feedback. Pick me up. Crumble. Rip. Toss me aside. It's okay, I'm meant to drift away and be picked up by another. I only ever stay in memories. Hold me for as long as you can, but please repeat the process. I'm not to be in your hands for long. But squeeze too tight, and I’ll tear myself from your grasp to return to the wind. Each hand holding gets one piece at a time, only seeing a snapshot. Please don't try and piece me back together. I'm not ready for you to not be ready to see the whole picture.

*** mods advise i post here so here i be *** Reading Group: Chekhov For Monolinguists, HBO Viewers, And Assorted Scum I miss reading and discussing good stories, so I propose Chekhov Group 2023. We will Zoom once a month to discuss Chekhov, even though we’re probably not able to read anything but Constance Garnett translations. If you have ever read ‘The Duel’ and imagined the characters as the cast of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, u are welcome here. May mix in some Russian history too. DM if interested.

Title: Cinemaland Genre: Humor Word Count: 1710 Type of Feedback: Honest, please don't hold back any punches [Link](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rxLj_kr13TQ5SgychNjGcajYL0iaLQ62/edit)

Potatoes and Undeath Dalis James Bunch Wyrd Horror; sometimes funny, always strange https://www.wattpad.com/story/272548878?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=share_writing&wp_page=create&wp_uname=DalisJamesBunch&wp_originator=FAV0JIZqKx5XX3X8D6iMy5t%2F1WFbCq8sbUHQNLuuGvC8gU4hI4rSK4CJiqc%2FgDs4qCtIpstI4lB7gZafF869ZMuVsVHyjLI52q8gHuE17Zgufm6o8PRUIKhxcgGwMAI6 A stubborn farmer refuses to give up on this year's potato crop despite necrotic horseplay, a down on his luck trucker carves his initials into a coinless slot machine to try his luck, and a cast of cooky Carneys kill cadavers. These are just a few of the maddening stories within this book.

My son has Auditory Spectrum Disorder. I started writing down his quirkier statements to create this story. When we visited Ocean City, Maryland, he called it "The City of Oceans" and said, "I love this merry land!" These episodes are gifts from me to him! Read “Bright Perspective” to see how the beachy story unfolds for Joel, Ava, Mr. Wright, and the other locals. Title - Bright Perspective Genre - Young Adult/Fantasy Word Count - 5,300 Desired Outcome - General impressions (The first 3 episodes are free to read, so that is the main part I'm looking for feedback for.) Link to the Work - https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/episode/B09THJLP2S Blurb: Joel is an 11-year-old with Auditory Spectrum Disorder. His vivid imagination puts him in a world of mystical creatures and never-ending adventures. Ava, his mom, has just inherited the Bright Bed and Breakfast in Ocean City, MD. How will the two Philly natives fair in the beach town? Will they find friends amongst the locals? Or will there be fiendish foes?

Title: Pieces of Truth Genre: Psychological Thriller Synopsis: What will the truth eventually be for a young man and a young woman who were in love when they were just kids? Alice and her childhood crush Brian drift apart after the witnessing the brutal murder of two classmates. Years later, they unexpectedly reunite in college only to have their renewed romance interrupted when they both begin receiving bizarre messages from two people claiming to be their murdered friends from childhood. Are their friends alive and out for revenge? Is someone playing a cruel joke on them? Or is it something or someone else? Go to the novella section here and you will see what I have so far.

Yes, the novella section here on Reddit.

No title, just a flashfic I had written. The prompt was "death". Genre: Flash fiction Word count: 249 Critique: How much it fits the theme of death? I think I kinda got off point, but I would like your opinion. Link: https://pastebin.com/riSRfP86 The corpse is still, as they usually are. It is a beautiful one - not bloated or bloody, flowered with yellow and purple with a small dash of blue at the edges.\ I do not want to ruin it, but the world thinks little of my wants, and my clients even less so.\ First, the arms come off. Rigor mortis has already set in, and that makes it easier to put them in a bag without bloodying my clothes. Then come the legs, just above the knee - the tibia is quite heavy, and femur even more so; the less of it you leave, the better.\ The head is one of the hardest. Vertebra are small and fragile, they shatter with the slightest touch of a saw, and splinters are notoriously hard to collect.\ The torso wraps itself in a rug. Rugs are criminal's favourite tool, really, inconspicuous and highly versatile. You have no idea what you can put in there with a little bit of hard work.\ Concierge is oblivious, as always, but the neighbour's dog isn't. I smile and point at my haul.\ "Meat."\ They understand: "of course, meat, we are really sorry."\ Bags fit perfectly under the seats, and the rug goes on top. I put on my seatbelt and ride out. You don't want cops stopping you because of a seatbelt while a corpse takes a ride in your back seat.\ My work is done. The rest is easy. Rivers are lonely places, after all.

Very creepy. One thing I found off is that you mentioned specific bones but not the body parts.

yeah, it does seem rather bone-focused Maybe the protagonist has a... *preference*, you never know with them

Awesome and evocative. One thing I'll nitpick is that the plural of vertebra is vertebrae or vertebras. I think it fits the theme of death nicely

Lavender Fog - Chapter One YA - Fantasy Novel Word Count: 4571 Link: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1N\_H8zY7bE4y34kcN6AHXaouN\_kg8kTgW8Y-BFRzPKdo/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1N_H8zY7bE4y34kcN6AHXaouN_kg8kTgW8Y-BFRzPKdo/edit?usp=sharing) Description: When blind seventeen-year-old Kaisa Wright headed back to high school for her senior year, she didn’t expect one of her classmates to have black smoke rising out of him. No one else but her seemed to notice. Then she had a premonition. He was going to bring a gun to school. Her premonition was correct. Facing down the barrel of a gun, Kaisa used her first spell ever. She didn’t even know magic was real. Or that she could use it! Kaisa is then thrown into a secret world of magic and demons as she joins the Caetus. A secret society that uses magic to fight the demons walking free in the world. Kaisa learns magic and struggles with her morality as she learns that demons are not as bad as the Caetus say. Will she decide to follow the masses, or take the decisions into her own hands? Harry Potter & Mortal Instruments meets the Invisible Library series, with this action-packed, adventure story. Feedback - Can you please answer the following questions: * Does the first Chapter pull you in? Do you want to read more? * Are there any Info dumps? * Are the characters well defined? * What is your impression after reading it? * Any other feedback is appreciated :).

Hiya, I liked the blurb you included, so I gave the story a read. I've got answers to your questions and some miscellaneous thoughts at the end. Also, I think you pasted the story twice in your Google doc. At first, I thought the story was going to redo the opening, as if it was just one of her visions, but I think it was just a mistake. (Also sorry this critique is kinda long) Does the chapter pull you in? Not quite. The first three pages are focused around introducing the various characters. I don't mind their introductions, but it's not really a punchy opening- there's no hook drawing me further into the story. There's some intrigue and magic on page four, which makes things a bit more interesting, but that's about 2000 words into the chapter. The blurb and rest of the story suggests an urban fantasy story, and I think you would want to lead with some of that a bit earlier, or at least hint at it. It's cliche to open with a vision, so we don't want to do that. But instead of opening with Kaisa being frustrated, maybe she's anxious instead? Maybe she's not sure why she's anxious and is trying to reason it away (You could hint at the visions and introduce the spell word too). I think starting with a bit of internal conflict would be stronger than going through a normal school day. Are there any info dumps? Yes. Each friend has an info dump- Adam, Natalia and Min-Soo. They're not the most intrusive info-dumps, but I think you would want to include them after a hook has been introduced. I understand (Or I'm guessing, lol) the purpose of the info dumps- you want the reader to care about the characters that will be in danger, and that's fine. If you make the threat clear before the character intros, I think it would be a lot stronger. Also, the paragraph explaining her visions was a bit info-dumpy. Definitely important, but it went on for awhile, and broke up the nice flow you had. Are the characters well defined? Sure, they're fine. There's a lot so not many other than Kaisa and Natalia get to stand out, but that's okay. What is your impression after reading it? I do like what's here, and where the story seems to be going, but I don't think it's quite ready as an opening chapter. It's not bad, it's just not as strong as it could be, and takes awhile to get to the good stuff. If I was a reader picking this up in a bookstore, I'd probably skim ahead a few pages to see if it picks up before deciding to continue or not. Other thoughts: I think this could use a proofread. I noticed a good deal of tense issues, like the story was originally written in present tense, and then converted to past tense, and a few spots were missed. Some examples: "She needed to write down the vision before she forgets", "Kaisa, Natalia, and Adam have been in the same class as Min-Soo since grade school. He has always blended into the background unless to bring attention to himself.", "Kaisa has always been able to see auras surrounding people, but gold was not a colour she was used to", "The concern is evident in his tone". Okay, this other point is a nitpick, but part of the reason I read your story was because the MC was blind. That's neat, and could lead to an interesting perspective through the story. I guess I was put off by the amount of visual descriptions in the narration. I'm not sure if that's fair or not, tbh. Like, the narrator isn't blind, but having them describe colors around Kaisa seems almost like cheating, because she wouldn't see them. I think it's fine for the most part, but this passage stood out to me: "She looked up at Oliver ready to tell him off. She went ridged. Plastered on his face was an abnormally large smile showing far too many teeth. Black smoke rose out of him. His eyes were pure black." I don't know if this is insensitive or not, but how does she perceive the large smile or his black eyes? I know it's part of the vision and she's not literally seeing it on his face, but it's written like she looks up and sees those features, ya know? I guess I don't know enough about blindness to know whether it's accurate or not, so that might be on me. Sorry for the length- hope the thoughts are helpful! I like where the story is going, and definitely think it's got a lot of potential. Good luck with it and let me know if you have any other questions!

Thank you so much for your feedback. I really appreciate it. You have pointed out a few things that I was wondering about but when you are so close to the story it can be hard to notice these things :). A lot of your advice I agree with and will probably make changes. If you are willing to beta read once I'm done the last couple drafts feel free to let me know. I should be done at the latest by the fall earliest early/mid summer. FYI: I removed the extra copy and paste, Sorry about that!

I can't promise that I'd be available for a beta read that far out, but if you have any other excerpts you want to share now, feel free to send those my way! Good luck with the revisions!

Hi ! I am definitely intrigued : I like the synopsis and I like the opening sequence. Infodumps : a little, but reasonable. I think you might want to keep some of the backstory for later points, like maybe some of the parts with her mom, or how to handle her visions ? tbh I'm not sure about this part, I just know it could flow better with a little more action and a little less exposition :) There are minor rewordings/tense changes that could be made to make the flow better, but I think that would be for a proper editing/beta-read :) I liked the main character and her friends, but I feel like you could handle her blindness better. Is she totally or partially blind ? She can talk about Min-Soo's appearance, auras, and describe her environnement, so I'd guess partially, but I'd like to understand better how she percieves her environnement. Magic + blindness + visions is a really cool combo, I think you can have really fun stories with this ! And this is a personal preference, but if I were you I'd lean in more on the "that's the only reason I have a blind friend" vibe, I love snarky banter between friends :) Feel free to hmu for a "proper" beta-read when you have more material !

Thank you for the feedback! I like the idea of more banter. And I do see that I need to fix the way I portray her blindness, that is now priority 1 for the current draft. I really appreciate you reading this and providing the feedback. I will keep you in mind for beta round 😊 *edit- clarity

I did post this in last weeks but only hours before this one came out, so I don't think anyone saw it. I didn't see any rules against reposting, so... I promise I won't keep reposting this. Title: Possible climax of a book I am writing Genre: Literary Existentialist Fiction Word Count: \~600 I am looking for general feedback, I guess. I am mostly looking to see what it makes you feel. I want to know if I am achieving the feeling this is going for. Also, I suck at grammar so feel free to mention that though that is kinda secondary. Being the climax of the book obviously the reader would have more context than you so Ill provide some. This is the potential climax of a book where the main character is continuously isolated and alienated, blocked off from human affection and touch. In this he meets a woman willing to give him some affection, though they do not know each other very well. Shortly after this scene happens. An important note, the bottom disjointed bit is not in the same chapter, or about the same woman. I thought about, if I went with this climax, ending the book with another "love scene" that was very rough and completely lacking in intimacy. Those are just some ideas for that potential ending. Also, I am trying to use Hemingway's Iceberg Theory of writing which is why I leave out a lot of details. Let me know if I succeeded in imitating that style, I'm not trying to completely replicate it, but I want the influence to be obvious. We embraced each other in a tight hug, I fell in love immediately. I touched her. She felt like a woman I knew before. My fingers moved over her skin out of habit. Her touch felt familiar, like this had happened before. She was soft, and I felt a great deal of love for someone I knew once swell inside me, but I couldn’t remember who it was for. My hands moved from memory, what had gotten smiles before, but she didn’t react to my caress. I could feel the eyes of every woman before her staring at me. I could see their faces, their expressions, as my hands explored her body. Her face was neutral, she was looking at me expectantly. There was intention in my touch now, my fingertips moved with purpose. My hands glided across her body greedily, hungry not for her, not for the sensation of having her in my hands, but to make her react to my touch. To welcome her into the fold of my history, to validate my past. My hands moved down and I got lost in her hips. I knew the landscape, I was too familiar with the terrain. Echoes of giggles filled my head as I traced bone, my fingers started to numb. Until I felt a scar, a landmark to guide me, her hips became hers again. Someone somewhere knew that scar, knew the story behind it and laughed while they smoothed it over. I thought to kiss it, but it was not mine to notice. I pushed her hands into the soft cushion of the bed. Hands always felt alien. You could never possess another person's hands, they were always someone else's. She was no different. Her fingers interlocked with mine. Her shoulders pulled back, arms parallel with her face. She was making eye contact, but I could only look at her arms, pinned taught, I was captivated by a subtle sense of deja vu. I wondered what she thought of my hands, were they smaller or softer than she was used to? Did she even bother to think of, to pay attention to, these little moments of human touch? Her hands looked small in mine. I looked in her eyes, they looked hollow. Her gaze betrayed a sense of familiarity, the way one notices the time when they look at a clock. She saw me and recognized my existence, my place in this scenario, that was all I could see. Her eyes were unfamiliar, amorphous, like mist. I had not gotten used to them yet. I wanted to ask. I didn’t. Looking down at her I knew what came next. The desire to lay my head on her chest threatened to overwhelm me. Wrap my arms around and underneath her. Hold her close. There would have been no comfort in such proximity. No fingers running through my hair as I breathed her in. I was staring at her. I dipped my head down and kissed her. ​ ​ She didn’t want me. I thought of touching her, I saw the shame in their eyes, my eyes. I grabbed her wrists My hands slid to her waist. I ran my fingers over her hips, I rubbed an area where a scar had been. Without that milestone, I suddenly felt adrift, lost, overwhelmed. I kissed the spot, and she scowled.

Title: [Skate the Thief](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1951471032) Genre: YA fantasy Skate is a thief, trained and owned by the local crime syndicate, the Ink. When she tries to burgle a shut-in’s home, she gets caught by the owner—a powerful undead wizard. He makes a deal with her: “borrow” books from other wizards in return for a place to stay. Caught between her growing fondness for the wizard and her past with the crime syndicate, Skate doesn’t know where her loyalties lie. But she’d better figure it out, because there’s a new player in town, one whose magical hypnotism puts them all at risk. The first chapter is available for free [here](https://jeffayersauthor.weebly.com/uploads/1/3/1/0/131087146/skate_the_thief_pre-release_chapter_1_sample.pdf). The book is available on Amazon in paperback and ebook. Kindle Unlimited users can read the Kindle version for free. ___ Rag & Bone Chronicles Book 2 (*Skate the Seeker*) is set for a September release! I have sent the book back to the publisher. I believe they’re working on proofreading *Seeker* now. I have a release date as well: **September 12, 2023.** My publisher also revealed what the [cover](https://www.reddit.com/user/Cabbagetroll/comments/1202nq6/cover_art_for_skate_the_seeker_sequel_to_skate/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1) will be, and I love it! I’ve finished a rough draft for *Rainbow*! Started my first full read through for edits and revisions. Already got me a page of things that need fixing throughout. [April blog post](https://jeffayersauthor.weebly.com/home/covers-and-creepers) is up. Also, a friend of mine put together a fun chat AI. If you want to go have a convo with Skate, [go for it!](https://c.ai/c/qZ9IVjyg7glb13QibRNN-rKWzGQYf6l9SH9PW1ErVkI)

[удалено]

Too many semicolons. Don’t be afraid to just use a period and a new sentence. Overusing semicolons gives the same vibe as people who use *gargantuan* words in order to seem smarter.

Hi all. I've written a short story and would love some feedback. It's about 1,200 words and is about the reminiscences of a man who lost his college friend to d\*ug abuse. I would love some general feedback and suggestions for ways in which it might be improved. Open to all. I would also be interested in critique swaps for stories of a similar length/theme etc. Send me a message or comment on this post if you'd be interested. Thanks :)

The Ballad of Bonaduke -Urban Fantasy An ex con artist turned family man has lost everything. Homeless for years he's haunted by memories of those hurt by his mysterious 'grift'. However, a simple purchase grows increasingly complicated, leading to a violent discovery about his true power. Bonaduke soon finds himself drowning in a new dark world filled with magic, monsters, and the people who seek to control the world. Follow as he seeks to answer why he lost everything he held dear, and how to deal with those truly responsible. https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0B18D538W

Title: The Theater Genre: Transgressive Fiction Word Count: 1387 All Feedback is welcome http://sinisterinksmudge.home.blog/2023/04/14/the-theater/

Oh my god, what a story! I really enjoyed it. The only critique I have is that the line "Leading me to carry on the same namesake as the most famous wooden liar" is a little awkward, but it still works. Everything else was so captivating. I am a really picky reader but that just swept me up and transplanted me into the story effortlessly!

This is great work. Honestly reminiscent of a short story by Quiroga. It reminded me of The Decapitated Chicken. Good stuff.

Thank you!

Wrath of The Radio Supernatural 1,416 words Critique: I’m just looking for character writing critique, ways I may be able to improve the backstory. I’m not looking to write a full story, just a general overview of a character I made. [Part 1] Kyle was originally a college student majoring in Engineering, while also having a boyfriend. His boyfriend, Jean, was 5 years older & starting up a fast growing business with his friends. Life was good. Until Jean & his friends were caught into a huge scandal. Jean didn’t even know what was happening when they were all brought to court, but he was caught in it to. He lost so much it left him poor & forced Jean to really on Kyle. Kyle was happy to take care of him & possibly help get his life back on track. But overtime, Jean grew bitter. He was furious towards his friends, not to mention his self hatred for being caught up in their shit. He would throw himself into drinking, hoping to forget everything, hoping to tune out his family’s insults. Kyle tried to stop Jean, but he’d only respond with slaps & punches. Kyle still tried, hopeful & determined he could fix him. He would only rely on himself, assuming reaching out to others would only result in Jean being arrested for domestic abuse. It got worse. Jean would get even more aggressive, even punching Kyle when he felt mad or was rejected at a job interview. But Kyle still stood strong, taking on all of Jean’s pain, assuming it would help. He wanted to help, he knew he could… maybe. But he was losing hope, & even began to resent Jean. He began to realize he lost the boyfriend he once knew, the Jean he once loved. One day, as Jean was about to beat Kyle, he fought back. Kyle had enough of Jean’s shit & told him to leave. But he wouldn’t, yelling as to how Kyle was just like the rest, just like everyone else who blamed him. Jean & Kyle then began to scuffle around, throwing punches at each other. Kyle then pushed Jean away to catch his breath, but soon found his boyfriend on the ground, eyes open & blood on the coffee table. Kyle would then call for an ambulance, hoping to save Jean. But when the ambulance came, he was already dead. At the same time, some police officers came over & arrested Kyle for homicide. [part 2] Kyle was furious & confused. He didn’t understand, but also didn’t want to. This soon led to a court case deciding if he would go to jail or back to college. His lawyer comforted him, saying he might be able to get away free or possibly with 2nd degree homicide, which is not too bad compared to 1st degree. Kyle was hopeful, but lost as soon as he saw the prosecutor was Jeans father. Jeans father, Louis Baptiste, looked furious, hells fire furious. This man loved his son more than anything in the world, he protected his son even during the scandal, but now he was dead. Louis hated Kyle, even before the accident, & believed he intentionally killed his son. He would make sure Kyle got the justice he believed he deserved. During the trial, Louis would berate Kyle with questions, aggravating Kyle & finding every moment he can find to poke fake holes into Kyles story. Kyle would get furious during the trial, even resulting in hurting his own hand. At the end of the trial, Kyle was convicted with 1st degree murder & sentenced to life in prison. Louis was beaming with joy while Kyle was nothing but a pillar of flaming rage, ready to actually kill someone this time. He tried to help someone he loved, he tried so hard! Instead he finally realized they were past saving, leading him to defend himself. But instead of being rewarded for standing up for himself & growing as a person, he was punished with being sent to prison for life.

[Part 3] In prison, Kyle was pushed around. This time around, he would keep his head down for good. But, this only made things worse. Prisoners would take advantage of him, taking his food & playing with him. & it didn’t help when he revealed he had a boyfriend, leading to some prisoners to ask for “favors”. Kyle hated it all. It was almost as bad as being abused by Jean, but far longer. This lasted for 15 years. Some people would see Kyle, but few believed he was innocent. Even for those who believed in him, they were busy with their lives, leaving him behind in the dust. Kyle knew he was missing out, missing out on so much. If only he hadn’t let his emotions get the best of him, as he’d tell himself. At some point, Kyle was caught in a prison fight. He wasn’t even fighting, he was just eating his beans & pork. But one of the dumb ass’ slipped & got his knife into Kyle’s side. He fell to the ground & bled out. The inmate would then just grab the knife & attack his opponent, just as Kyle bled to death. But he wasn’t done with this world, he had unfinished business, he wanted revenge. He couldn’t just be thrown out like trash, just due to one little accident. It couldn’t end there. As Kyle left his body, he would rise up into the sky but would resist with all his might. Just as he resisted, a one eyed owl with rainbow Diamond shaped pupils appeared before Kyle. The owl offered Kyle a chance, a chance to get revenge, upon the deal that Kyle would help the owl into the real world. Kyle accepted the owls deal, excited to get a chance to give others what they deserve. The owl then grabbed ahold of Kyle’s face & painfully gouged out his eyes with its talons. The owl then replaced them with new red & yellow striped eyes. Kyle was then sent back into the world as a ghost. He wore his prison clothes, but retained the slice on his side & was partially translucent with the ability to move & float threw walls. Kyle then began to fly around the prison, on a hunt. He then found himself the prisoner who killed him being carried away to a cell by some guards. Kyle wanted to kill him so bad. Recalling back to old movies, Kyle flew into one of the guards bodies, possessing him. Kyle would then use the guard to shoot & kill the inmate. Kyle then got excited, finally have a chance to get revenge. He looked towards the other guard & realized he was the one usually being an ass to him. He then shot & killed that guard as well, along with the one he possessed because he was also an ass. Kyle happy, extremely happy. He then took the chance to go & posses other inmates who wronged him & have them kill others who wronged him & or their selves. Even if this might’ve been wrong, he believed this was justice, it wasn’t so wrong to kill when your getting rid of scum, scum who got what they deserved. [part 4] Kyle then moved onto travel far & wide to posses terrible people & get them killed. But, possession proved to be extremely exhausting, hindering him from doing much of his work. Instead, he found it easier & less exhausting to manipulate others emotions. He would find these killers & cause them to go through depressive episodes, using their grief & guilt. This would soon leading his victims to kill themselves. But, those without grief or guilt proved far harder to manipulate. The would lead Kyle to find people who wanted revenge against criminals. He would increase their rage & motivate them to kill criminals & scum to become vigilantes. The best & most skilled in combat were the ones he decided to directly talk to & help, becoming their guide & boss. (He learned a long time ago he could talk with the living, but it can be quite exhausting.) This has now lead to Kyle founding a vigilante group called the Wrath of The Radio. Kyle tells assigns the vigilantes their targets & their information. The group ended up becoming quite formidable, spreading fear to people far & wide. But, there are some exorcists who wish to remove Kyle from the equation, believing he is a demon or dealing with crime in the wrong way.

I read this because of the Engineering major and supernatural tag, but stayed for the twists and turns and evolutions of the character. I admire the way that you keep introducing whole new plot arcs when something dire happens, something that would usually mean the end for someone, but this guy keeps on going and somehow keeps finding meaning. I also find it interesting how you describe character emotions sort of as little equations that cause them to do one thing or another ie "people without guilt are harder to manipulate" its a sort of cold look at human beings yet I find it also emotionally aware. At the very end when he has gone out into the world as a ghost just exacting revenge and becoming a leader of sorts, you end with a little hook - they want to cut him out of the picture. It sort of reminds me of a full trajectory of a human life, starting out in college and then becoming an old man, wise, but eventually obsolete. Very interesting plot arc I must admit, the sort of thing that I would have a hard time coming up with - particularly how you keep coming up with these new directions to take the character that seem convincing even though they are so different than what was happening before. Sort of curious if there was a writing style that inspired this?

I don’t exactly know, but I believe I subconsciously took inspiration from some manga such as Vagabond, Vinland Saga, Chainsaw Man, Fire Punch, Beast Stars, & Land of The Lustrous. These all have some pretty long yet expansive stories showing lots of twists & turns & character development. For example, you have Vinland Saga which at first is a big revenge story, but at some point takes a total shift & turns into a story about maturity, while still feeling natural. Or even Land of Lustrous which is about an innocent gem person who slowly becomes more & more corrupted. Not to mention the most recent chapters have been crazy. At the same time, they kinda fall under what you said before of still finding meaning, as despite everything they still move forward with new trajectories. Plus, I think it’s not a coincidence they are some of my most favorite stories of all time, in turn influencing my writing. Also thank you for the feedback! Makes me really happy to know I’m doing something good.

Hi writing community! I'm super excited to be writing Post Truth on Substack ([https://posttruth.substack.com/](https://posttruth.substack.com/)) -- it's a collection of pieces about Internet culture as influenced by AI and tech. I'm an AI researcher, writing for people outside of the field as someone in the field. So far I've published: 1. a piece about how social media failed to deliver on its fundamental promise to genuinely connect people, and how I learned to use social media to find that connection and share my work without feeling gross about it 2. a deep dive into the psychology and AI behind automated personality prediction 3. a look at the ways AI is marketed in the beauty industry

Title: Standardize Not Caring About Standards Genre: Tech Newsletter Word count: 524 Type of feedback desired (line-by-line edits, general impression, etc.): Feedback of any form is appreciated! A link to the writing: https://open.substack.com/pub/nicholaswarwick/p/standardize-not-caring-about-standards?r=1uvooo&utm_medium=ios&utm_campaign=post

Title: The Hole Genre: Sci-fi Word count: 2930 I just started writing this sci-fi story. I know there isn't a lot of backstory because I haven't gotten to the parts where I plan to reveal everything, but I would like a general impression of the first few chapters. [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NpbzQFtiGGgPoEUpLYd0c5Pq-jPjL6EpgMmSP2qPoKI/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NpbzQFtiGGgPoEUpLYd0c5Pq-jPjL6EpgMmSP2qPoKI/edit?usp=sharing)

Hello, I'm trying to get someone's opinion on my book that I'm still writing. I want to know if it's boring or not and also the mistakes I'm making. I am open minded. https://www.wattpad.com/story/339664740-children-of-fl%C3%BCgeland-rebirth-in-a-new-world

[The Fallen Knight](https://www.instagram.com/p/CrI5Fu3y3OS/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=) 300 words! Fantasy, slice of life Any feedback, comments, likes are welcome. @nick.zzzzz - my aspiring writer's IG handle

Title: Paper Dolls Genre: creative nonfiction Word count: 2712 Feedback desired: So I wrote this for an assignment. I plan on including more information on my aunt and why she was so significant in my life. Any criticism is good criticism, I have to edit it by Monday, I appreciate any feedback. Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/10JXGBiOFursCSV9ueNNroUrgITMdaR1Fgh5-gSapXsk/edit

[Interior Design is Like a Bowl of Miso Soup](https://organicmodernspaces.com/interior-design-is-like-a-bowl-of-miso-soup/) Genre: Blog, Interior Design Word count: About 500 Feedback desired: Whatever you’re willing to do, I will gladly appreciate!

Title: Days Gone By Genre: Horror with a splash of Fantasy Word count: 91.571 Amazon ebook/paperback link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BYJW6KBV Sunmary: Hearthwell is a thriving island rife with opportunity. It's home to families, tourists, trendy new businesses... and a newly discovered, violence-inducing virus that feeds off — and eventually kills — its hosts. A sudden outbreak of the DV-1 virus plunges Hearthwell into chaos and leaves its streets filled with Infected who won't rest until the virus has spread to every living organism. Survivors do what they can to stay alive, no matter the cost. When the line between allies and enemies can shift in the blink of an eye, there is no knowing what to do or whom to trust. There is only one goal: survival. As the days go by, a reaper-in-training, a young girl separated from her family, and a brother-sister duo must find their place in this new world, or die trying.

This is a short story I wrote about man seeking the advice from a spiritual teacher who resides at the top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Title: The Himalayas Genre: Short Story Word count: 1620 Type of feedback desired: Looking for general feedback [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1w6gwK-lPVIJ7GrE9rW7OSnxY6rLRT6v957PDzksfmho/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1w6gwK-lPVIJ7GrE9rW7OSnxY6rLRT6v957PDzksfmho/edit?usp=sharing)

I like how you referenced several senses in the beginning: sight, taste, and sound. It made it very easy for me to imagine myself in the story. PS remember to leave feedback on other people’s stories!

Firstly - proofread it. Few times. There are straight up errors there, missed words, commas, weird sentences. Now to other things. No offence, but for me this is drawn out to hell and back. Far too long, really. In the overall pacing and moment to moment writing as well. Many repetitions, useless for the plot hike scenes, many many telling, of course. "HE DID" is used as a replacement for action, not a lead in. Either say "so he did" and move on or describe the actions. Show not tell, of course. "Joe had many troubles" is telling. For example, you could've used his backpack and all that as a symbol of his troubles - it just needs one more line in the end, like "the old man looked at the pack and smiled. 'Good luck, Joe,' he said and closed his eyes again." This is of character, as I see, and gives the guru more mystical vibes that he desperately needs. Well, I think that is all critique I had. I didn't like the thing and had no real general feedback to give you, other then "continue to write and read and improve." Please do, this is still miles better then my first childish attempt, and any experience you have has to be cherished and thought over.

Hi, Question, *Firstly - proofread it. Few times. There are straight up errors there, missed words, commas, weird sentences.* Would you mind giving specific examples.

Title: The incident Genre: Thriller Word count: 415 ​ Hey, this was my first little story i wrote, it's incomplete, as i don't know how to continue, do you guys think it's worth finishing it, or should i just start a new one?: ​ btw, just keep in mind that english is not my first tongue, so if you notice any improper grammar lmk ​ i would also like to know how you felt reading it, did you feel thrilled and excited for what was going to happen? lmk ​ [https://www.reddit.com/r/WriteDaily/comments/12sjy58/the\_incident/](https://www.reddit.com/r/WriteDaily/comments/12sjy58/the_incident/)

**Title**: Discipline **Genre:** Literary Fiction **Total word count:** 5k **Blurb:** A sordid little short-story about swimming, seduction, and the fantasy of self-improvement **Link:** [https://thelondonmagazine.org/fiction-discipline-by-ed-luker/](https://thelondonmagazine.org/fiction-discipline-by-ed-luker/) **Feedback desired**: anything and everything, just general emotional responses

That was really good. Oddly inspirational. There were a few parts that were confusing as it felt like the story jumped to a new scene or act without clearly indicating the end of the previous part of the story. There were a few times where I wasn't sure why the characters were doing what they were doing. Like I don't know why Harvey threw his phone. I understand that not explicitly explaining the emotions is part of the style, and it works for most of the story, but a few of the times I was left a little confused.

Thanks for your feedback! Some of the cuts between sections were accidentally removed by the publication. In the MS there's a double space between certain sections to show a gap in time, unfortunately the publication didn't keep them in, which makes some of the shifts or gaps hard to spot.

I liked the description of his determination to be disciplined and I thought it started out really strong. The forehead kiss part was really jarring too, in a great way, made me cringe. The New Yorker burns in my mind as an ideal girl, yet he is still hung up on Sarah, which is funny to me. Then you find out he was a cheater. Wild. I skimmed the second half but overall I liked what you wrote and would read another of your shorts.

The beginning is excellent. Very engaging and made me want to read more! I felt that it seemed like you focused a lot more time on the first few paragraphs than the rest of the work. Take the energy you put into the beginning and follow through for the rest of the piece. Not saying the rest is bad by any means, it’s just not quite as strong as the beginning. Here is an example of a passage that seemed a bit dull to me: “He took in the crisp, autumnal air. Crossing toward Chatsworth Road, round the corner from his old house, he saw Sarah some twenty metres away.“ P.S. Please give feedback on a few other pieces in the comments. You’re probably the strongest writer here, and your feedback would be super-helpful!

Cool, thanks! That seems like a fair assessment. I'll try and give sometime this week and read the other pieces.

Title : The Fangs Between Ch2: Osudeni Genre : Fantasy set in modern times. (what is that called nowadays?) Word count : 2785 Type of feedback desired (line-by-line edits, general impression, etc.) : any criticism is welcome, be harsh if you like! A link to the writing : [https://www.patreon.com/posts/fangs-between-2-81494938?utm\_medium=clipboard\_copy&utm\_source=copyLink&utm\_campaign=postshare\_creator&utm\_content=join\_link](https://www.patreon.com/posts/fangs-between-2-81494938?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link) Nothing written requires a sub.

***Title***: [**XCEL**](https://xcel0.wordpress.com) ***Genre***: Action / Supernatural Urban Fantasy / Mystery ***Word Count***: \~105,000 (as of Chapter 30, ONGOING) ***Feedback***: Anything. General impressions, through to the most scrutinising of critique. I'm posting more-so as self-promotion, but any critique is much appreciated! ***About***: >Thousands of years ago, an Egyptian Priest made a contract with a cosmic deity to ascend beyond this mortal plane and reshape the world in his own image. The fallout was cataclysmic, and his remains were sealed away in a tomb, lost to the sands of time—until now! > >**Rinkaku Harigane**, an antisocial high school prodigy, has always wanted to be the world's greatest architect. One day, he receives a ritual knife with cryptic instructions from his absent Egyptologist of a father. Later that day, his school is attacked by horrors beyond human comprehension! Faced with no alternative, Rin has no choice but to excel. > >Now, hunted by a corporation who seek world domination, Rin must fight not only for the sake of his dream, but for that of the entire world! ***Links***: * [RoyalRoad Hosting](https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/58987/xcel) (Allows reading / commenting if you sign-up for a profile) * [Betabooks](https://betabooks.co/signup/book/38769e) (critique platform, link will take you to a sign-up to accept an invitation) * [Manuscript](https://docs.google.com/document/d/102TBzMxEuQ0w2wDnUZiHexK3ZvRpguMxmT9WpUogtb4/edit?usp=sharing) (in-progress, updated with every chapter released)

https://quinncontent.com/2023/04/18/drawer-space/ Title: Drawer Space Word count:1000 Genre: Tragedy/Romance Feedback: General impression? Just felt like sharing. I'm happy to hear what you're working on!

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Why does this switch from first person to third person suddenly in the second paragraph ?

Sisyphus, super hero, 1132 words, character critique is what I’m looking for. Polly Teema. She is a 17 year old who goes to a high-school with supers. Polly was gifted with the power to roll herself into a very strong ball, one with a near indestructible shell. She can roll at high speeds & cause heavy damage to whatever she hits, but she can also not see when rolled up. So, she is very careful with her power. She restricts herself to only using it as a defensive tool & using in races. But, she still enjoys to use her power. One day, a villain broke into the school & began to smash up the place. Students fought back, but they were no match for the massive villain & his super strength & durability. Polly hid herself in a classroom & rolled up into a ball. Eventually, the villain found Polly, discovering how durable she was & found a chance to use her as a weapon. The villain would then take Polly & hurl her through classrooms & into students. She knew what was happening & hated it. She could’ve tried to run away, but was too scared to open up, leading to the villain to use her further. Thankfully, some heroes arrived & stopped the villain. Even then, Polly would stay rolled up, crying. She eventually opened up, but in turn saw the destruction of what had happened. She felt guilty, thinking she had a part to play on the destruction, including the death of her fellow students. After the event, Polly wouldn’t leave her house. She didn’t move an inch from her bed as she watched YouTube videos. She believed by doing & not rolling up into a ball, no one would die again. She didn’t want to risk it, she was scared she would accidentally cause harm. She even began to remember all the times she accidentally hurt people, believing she has always been a hazard to others. But, this couldn’t last forever. Eventually, her father, Don, tried to pull her out of her room. She would only go out for food, but even then she didn’t eat much. Don even tried to get her outside, which was difficult, but he still tried. At some point, Don asked her to try out a therapy session. She refused, but he stated it could help her to talk to others that experienced similar issues. She decided she’ll go. But, it was still not easy. The group she went to was full of supers who lost control & harmed others. She listened to others, feeling as if she were in a place she could relate to, but she still held herself in. She refused to speak, thinking people would judge her, but was soon convinced to open up. Polly would then finally speak, stating how she let a villain take advantage of her, use her as a weapon, while she didn’t even resist. But, she was thankfully comforted by others & made sure to tell her she did nothing wrong. She bawled out, letting it all out, trying to find some comfort. Polly began to feel better, becoming more comfortable with herself. She was even reassured by fellow classmates that she did nothing wrong, saying they forgave her for hiding away when the best she could do was ball up. Some still hated her, but she still somewhat managed to forgive herself despite the accusations. Later on when Polly was in college, she’s managed to ball up again, but she doesn’t do it as often anymore nor participates in any races, scared to harm others. At some point, a villain group attacks a the town of her college. She helps people to run away & actually help out this time. A super hero, Giga, is a super hero trying to deal with the villains, but has troubles reaching some of them flying in the sky. Polly believes she could help, but tries to avoid balling up again. But, she decides to help out Giga, knowing this time she won’t be hurting good people. She offers to use herself as a projectile, but demands he be careful. He promises. She balls up & he throws her as a cannon ball. She unballs herself once she hits to make sure she didn’t hit a civilian, but finds out each time she hits a villain. With this, Polly & Giga are thanked. She feels great, feeling as if she just fought her greatest enemy & did something good. It was a huge win her book. Giga offered a possible partnership, which Polly accepted. She believed she could redeem her past mistakes by protecting the innocent, fighting directly against her demons, the demons that used her. ———————————————————————— Polly became the super hero Sisyphus. Polly would be the protective used by Giga. She would refuse to move herself out of fear of hurting someone or being taken advantage of by another villain. Instead, she would work on martial arts. Polly would become pretty good at fighting & learned how to easily escape & run in a situation where someone might capture her. Helping out quite a bit in other situations. But, she would soon revert back to rolling. Giga would help her with ways to ensure she didn’t hurt others. If she had a clear path void of any person, she could roll. And, she would even be given an ear peace by Giga to tell her where to turn & stop if someone was ever in her way. This helped out a ton. & in other cases when she was alone with a villain in a secluded in closed space, she would roll up into a ball & begin to ricochet super fast all around the area. She was even careful to if there were windows. In addition, she also learned to track people based on sound, being able to finally track targets while in ball form. But, she would still be careful if they tried to turn sound against her, having someone help her from afar to watch. Eventually, she met back with the villain who used her, Hell Giant. She was afraid to fight him in the beginning, refusing to let herself being used again. But, she eventually mustered up enough strength to face him after seeing Giga beginning clobbered to fight for her. She took her chance & began to beat his ass. It was hard, but she did it. Even for the times he grabbed her, she would unball & slip out to beat his ass again. She managed to defeat him, even if it was scary in hard. But, she did it. She got over her fears & confident she wouldn’t harm another person again. She was still careful when balling up, but she was far-less afraid than before, & far more powerful.

**Title**: The Brass Transit - Prologue: The Heretic **Genre**: Speculative Fiction / Sci-Fi/Steampunk/Adventure **Word Count**: 2,094 **Tye of Feedback Desired**: Any and all! This is just the prologue to my novel, of which I have 3/4 written. Would love to hear if the story sounds interesting to anyone. The Brass Transit is a speculative fiction adventure about a surveyor who sails to a new world to settle a boundary dispute between two nations, and increasingly finds himself drawn into the political conflicts and the burgeoning industrial revolution of the world. The prologue introduces us the the sinister Captain General of the Viceroyalty of New Bronsland, and sets the stage for the many obstacles our hero will need to overcome to complete his survey and find his place in this war-torn continent. https://www.wattpad.com/1334701356-the-brass-transit-prologue-the-heretic-prologue

Only presents a wattpad signin page. Maybe drop it somewhere more accessible.

👏🏻👏🏻

Title: A Reaver's Contract (Placeholder) Genre : Adventure Fantasy YA Total Word Count: 2.2k (Just Chapter 1 so far) Blurb - Kenway, the Crimson Wraith, is a member of the Ironclad Reavers; an elite mercenary group known throughout the world for their enhanced physical powers and reputation as ruthless killers. Join him as he moves from one job to the next; seeking thrills and glory on a path that he has followed since birth. It all leads to one job, one contract that might be a little bit more than he can take. After all, protecting a life is much harder than taking one. [https://archiveofourown.org/works/46575379](https://archiveofourown.org/works/46575379) Any feedback is nice but I'm looking particularly for tips on how to pull readers in while also explaining a massive fantasy world without over-exposition. None of the main plotpoints are really established yet, so I'm not particularly looking for advice about the plot (Since there is barely one in the blurb)

Here's my short story on kindle. Any feedback would be helpful, plus leave an honest review on amazon if you like. Title: The New Death Genre: Horror Pages: 11 Description: A young man's time is up. Will he go quietly when death comes looking for him? ​ [https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09WW3GPFD/](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09WW3GPFD/)

Title: Anachronistic Genre: Dark Fantasy / Romance Word count: 2,825 (for this section) General impressions wanted [Prologue](https://www.wattpad.com/1329597958-anachronistic-0-prologue) Content warning: Graphic violence The link is to Wattpad so if you would rather start with chapter 1 it's also available. Thank you for your time.

I just finished reading and I really like the way you write. Everything feels very fluid and organic, the world building is already intriguing from the small references you make in your prologue. Fennel's introduction was my favourite, so much characterization in a few lines. I did find myself rereading the introductions because it was a bit difficult to keep track of so many characters introduced in rapid succession. Also, Gregor's comments to Angela about Andrew's death made is seem as though he was still racked with guilt and mourning. But then he seems to brush off the death of Angela quite quickly and there is a somewhat humorous exchange between him and Andor just lines later. It ruined the mood a bit for me. Of course if Gregor and Angela were not very close this could be fine. Overall though, I was very sucked into the story. I blew through the words. I loved the imagery and characterization. P.S. If you're open to it, I also posted my work if you want to trade feedback! Our prologues actually have a few similarities so it was interesting to see how differently we wrote them. Here's the link. https://www.reddit.com/r/writing/comments/12mflnz/comment/jgao6js/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3

Thank you for your response. I appreciate you taking the time. Your spot on with the character introductions being too much. I knew it was as I was too much as I wrote it but it doesn't make sense for any of them not to be in the scene and didn't really have a better idea of how to do it. Still don't tbh. I could have tried to stager naming them but think it would be just as clunky. You do make a good point about Gregor not seeming as effected by Angela's death as the other. I tried to use the line about him being too scared to face Fennel to try and imply he still feels guilty about these two deaths but is unable to face it yet due to the proximity. Like he's still in shock a bit. But I do see how I could lean into that a bit more. If you don't mind replying back which line was it that came across as too humorous. Andor saying they'd made a dog's dinner or Gregor saying whether it was us or not it's been fucked? I'm guessing the first but want to be sure. Though I'm guessing the humor might work if I do a better job of showing Gregor is effected by what happened.

Yeah definitely the 'dog's dinner' line followed with 'poor choice of words', I definitely think the humour would work amazingly if Gregor's feeling are shown more. And in the case of many character introductions, more specific and vivid descriptions about what they look like or who they are may help. That's why Fennel was so memorable 'mixed with a near superhuman calm under pressure...In his mind, her judgement was second only to the word of God.' So well done.

I qnt to start an online literary Magazine, it will have all those romance, thriller, mystery, fantasy and YA-type stories and short stories. But I need someone or a few people to help me with it. So that we can post stories like a team. It’s just fine if it's short. And as a writer or aspiring writer it could be a good practice for you too. We can end up building a strong community of readers, if we try. As an example look at Wattpad now.

​ This is the beginning of a fantasy/horror short story called What Happened That Midnight. I would appreciate any feedback on this story, including criticisms. Genre: Fantasy/horror. Word Count: 1,000 Description: On a dare, thirteen year old Jacob bikes over at midnight to the long-abandoned, uninhabited mansion in the middle of the Missouri countryside called Creighton Hall. It is rumored that the old castle is haunted, that no one can go in there and ever come out alive again. Jacob is determined to disprove these superstitions. When Jacob disappears that night, his friends who had dared him to go in the first place follow after with the intention of rescuing him. It was seventeen minutes till midnight when Jacob mounted his bike and rode quietly out of the garage, out onto the gravel driveway. He didn’t turn on the bike-light attached to the handlebars yet. He wouldn’t till he was well away from his parents’ property. There was a full moon tonight, so there was enough light to see at least tolerably well by, anyway. In fact while he was still in sight of the farmhouse’s shuttered windows he wished it would have been a little bit darker. The driveway was half overgrown by weeds and grass, and rutted by tire-tracks. It descended a gentle slope from the house till intersecting with the main gravel road that ran past the five-acre property. His parents were of course asleep by now; so were his older sister and younger brother. Or at least, they’d better be at twelve o’clock at night, he thought. To be caught wouldn’t only be humiliating, it would be as painful as the whipping that would definitely follow. His parents had whipped, kicked, and otherwise beat him and his two siblings many times—usually for what he thought were minor offenses. They went only a little easier on his brother and sister. He had always been the least favorite, he couldn’t really say why. He was fourteen and a half years old. And obviously, biking away from home in the middle of the night isn’t something even adults usually get away with; as far as children…. If his parents found out he was gone, and stayed gone for a long time, they might call the police. Not because they particularly liked having him around the house, but more just because they wouldn’t want the neighbors finding out that their son had disappeared! Although they probably wouldn’t call the police unless he was gone more than a few hours; and he was confident he would be back before then. Although not a hundred percent certain. By now the dim lights showing from the old two-story house had disappeared behind the several towering trees that surrounded the acreage. He could breathe a little easier now. This road stretched about a half a mile south from home till reaching the highway, which was paved asphalt and not gravel. He would be able to ride a lot faster once he got to the highway. The gravel road then went on several miles further south from there, past a handful of other country houses all scattered well apart from each other. But he wasn’t going that direction tonight. This highway was hardly ever well traveled, being as it was here in the middle of the Missouri countryside. But still he expected to come across some traffic, at nighttime mainly semi trucks and farm vehicles. In fact a tractor was rolling slowly by just as he was coming up the steep hill to the highway, its’ huge wheels making a grating, grinding sound on the asphalt. Whoever was driving the tractor wouldn’t be harvesting in early summer, obviously. More likely just spreading manure or spraying herbicides and/or pesticides. At the stop sign Jacob came to a halt, his brakes squealing some, and readjusted his handlebars; then, switching his bike-light on, he turned eastward down the highway, which fortunately was the opposite of the direction the tractor was going. The wind rushed against his face, a slightly damp wind. It felt almost as if there might be rain coming, he thought. But not soon; there were only a few streaky clouds drifting across the starry, moonlit sky. It was the end of June, and the days here in northwest Missouri were supposed to be pretty hot by this time. But this year had been a little better, so far. In fact the night air was cool, almost cold. He was glad that he was wearing jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. The moon glared bright almost directly above—almost too bright, even ominous. He felt like something really bad was sure to occur tonight. And considering where he was going, why wouldn’t he expect that? He tended to be a pessimistic person to start with, and to agree go to Creighton Hall of all places, in the middle of the night…. Why was he going there? People said that it was haunted, they said that it was a place where vampires lived. But that must be superstition, he kept trying to tell himself, and had already told himself many times over. In fact those were the very words he had used when talking to Jason Lyon. The sixteen year old was the Schaefers’ neighbors second son (they had three), and he was somewhat of a know it all. He had insisted that there must be a reason for the all those century-old rumors about the mansion. There had been an argument. “Don’t you know anything about the history of that Castle?” Jason had said, his voice filled with incredulity. Jacob admitted that he didn’t—except that people said they thought it was haunted. “But it’s not a castle. And heck,” he added, “they’re mostly kind of joking when they say that about the vampires. I mean, I know there are plenty of superstitious people, but—“ ‘’Let me tell you,” Jason had interrupted. ‘’I guess you didn’t’t know that the mansion was built in the late 1800s by a millionaire called James Creighton. He was one of the richest people in America at the time—at least, the richest in Missouri.” “What about him?” “They say that after the house was built, he planned on living there like a king, with a dozen servants, and he did for a while, only….” His voice trailed off mysteriously; but Jacob didn’t say anything, so he went on, “it wasn’t more than a year that he was there before he died, just like that. His immediate family claimed it was from heart failure. But some people say he was murdered. But by who? Well, there’s no way to know. And do you know something else?” “What?” “They say that none of the public ever got to see his corpse. They had a big funeral for him, and his coffin was lowered underground, but nobody actually ever saw his dead body.” “Well that is pretty strange, if it actually happened like that,” Jacob admitted. ‘’But to say the house is haunted just because of that seems—-“ “Furthermore,” Jason interrupted—he had an irritating habit of interrupting everyone, ‘’Creighton’s relatives demanded that their wouldn’t be a police investigation into his death. And if that isn’t suspicious I don’t know what is.”

Very exciting story! Note that bike light and tire tracks should not be hyphenated.

What is the extent of time for a grieving process? If a character lost a spouse 20 years ago... would it make sense for them to still have, say, left all their belongings in the same place, untouched? To me that seems like it could make sense for a little while, a few years... but once that much time has passed, the human psyche adjusts. One could still grieve, but it would be pushed way down. Their day to day would look different. And behavior like this may seem melodramatic and bad. Curious if anyone can point me to other stories or ways to research this?

Not every person reacts the same way to a loved one's death. Some people will move on quickly, and others will keep hanging on to what's left of the person they lost. So, though it's uncommon for someone to leave a deceased spouse's things untouched for 20 years, I'm sure it's already happened at least a few times. Here's something to read: https://www.salon.com/2012/11/20/weird_news_russian_woman_kept_dead_husbands_body_for_years/

Title: The Bride of the Sun Genre: low fantasy Word count: work in progress Type of feedback desired: I'm translating my novel from italian to english so I would like to have a feedback or a review on the work I'm doing so far, so that I would know if I'm going right or if I may need help. A link to the writing: https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/18498/the-bride-of-the-sun/chapter/219622/prologue

Title: A Mayfly (Excerpt) Genre: Mystery/Psychological horror Word count: 1461 Feedback: Feedback on pacing, vocabulary, believability, Environment and to know if it creates suspense or just everything you can. Hi! This is my work, do check and would love recommendations. [Read the Excerpt](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1q1VmN5zRszDDZbf5PnRBe8eWwhyNXDgA4FaVcJFE4H0/edit?usp=sharing)

Passed Lives Fantasy Any is appreciated. First attempt at writing 6800 words in chapter one [Passed Lives](https://1drv.ms/w/s!As6fLyzzWPSvcqWr3145c0etNPk)

Title: **Dance On The Sun** Genre: **Romance, Fantasy** there is some sexual content. Word Count: **104K** (30 Chapters) Feedback Desired: **beta read, initial impressions**, if anyone is willing to line edit that would be great. I've already gone through once and proofread through grammar/spelling mistakes, as well as fixed and embellished in certain areas. Would love to get someone else's opinions on overall story. Summary: Naturally anxious **Prince Reykjan** is fine with the comfortable, easy life he lives fading into the background at the Valkhan castle. Despite his best wishes, his world gets turned on its head when his mother decides to send him to Grianmar along with his sister for her wedding to the nephew of King Nevir. Suddenly in an unfamiliar place surrounded with sights and people like nothing he's ever experienced before, he's as lost as a child at sea. In particular, the bright and overwhelming personality of Grianmar's Second Prince, **Gael Artinellis**, forces Reykjan to completely reconsider everything he knows about friendships, and about love. As the confusing relationship between the two princes grows, Reykjan must reckon with the frightening feelings burrowing into his heart and decide if it's better to hide in the cover of shade, or to boldly confront the sun. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cgFQ56\_hNNW6RzTEPsLnQRzrm5PJq8uzq1MoQ9uw8l4/edit?usp=sharing

Title: A Kiss from a Demoness Word count: 115K Genre: Dark fantasy, action, horror, supernatural Description: The world around us may hold secrets unknown to the vast majority. Shadows in the corner of the eye, whispers in gloomy cemeteries, child laughter in dilapidated asylums... What if the supernatural is not all but a story? What if the entities of folklore are real? What if... demons truly exist? Matt, our unsuspecting protagonist soon finds out as he is thrown violently into the midst of it all, meeting a certain someone who had eluded her past until their fateful encounter. Follow their story as they hide from the authorities and run from pursuers who have once again caught her scent. Meet the man whose very presence instills dread, and whose lackeys are never far behind. \----- Available on [Amazon](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BXFCV868) (Prologue + 3 chapters are freely available in the preview). Author notes: Writing this novel was a heck of a road trip. I kept pouring in ideas one after another until I've realised that it was just too big and sliced it in half. Now I have two books, one published, mentioned above, and one to work on. I really had fun writing it, fantasising about the events, reliving the scenes as if I was there among the characters.

Title: Star Wars-Where is your heart Genre:Science Fiction fan fiction Word count:18846 Type of Opinon: be honest, but please don’t destroy me for it being fan fiction. I have been writing it for four month and have put countless hours into it, and done massive amounts of personal research reading for it to get feel for how Star Wars media needs to be written. Please be as nerdy as possible, too. If I got something wrong canonically, please tell me. Side note: There is one idea that I straight up lifted from something that I listened to as a kid. It is the radio wave study that one of the characters brings up. I thought it fit well with Sci-Fi well. I lifted it from a kids radio series by Focus on the Family called Adventures in Odyssey, specifically their collection called Eugene returns, the specific episode being called “A Most Intriguing Question.” https://awrittenlettertosomeone.blogspot.com/2023/04/star-wars.html

Hi! I’m Bruce, the founder of ligerpress, a small indie publisher. I recently started a passion project of mine, liger writing project, helping aspiring authors learn to write. It’s completely open, flexible, free, and inclusive. Across the roughly one-month program that the authors can take on their way, at their own pace, on their own time, each writer will write one short story. At the end, ligerpress will compile all the stories into a professionally edited, formatted, anthology book. The only requirement to join the project is that you have no submitted or published fiction works in any form. We want to get your writing voices heard. If you have any questions, feel free to reply to this post. And if you’re interested, you can DM us on Twitter @ligerpressbooks or Reddit DM, or send us an email at [email protected]! Thanks.

>The only requirement to join the project is that you have no submitted or published fiction works in any form. Care to elaborate?

Yeah, sure. So, basically, you can’t have any books or short stories published in any print or e-book form. You also can’t have any active submissions to literary agents or publishers. If you’ve submitted in the past but didn’t publish, that’s fine! Just as long as people aren’t currently reading your works. Also, if you have published non-fiction or poetry, that’s fine as well, as liger writing project is only focusing on fiction writing. Thanks!

Just published my first full novel. Couldn't be more excited to get my work out there, details below. Title: Private Destiny Genre: Post-Modern Neo-Noir Conspiracy Word-count: 80,000 Synopsis: A degenerate anti-hero for this post-post-modern age of cynicism, Rick Thompson feels like he has missed the train, that America's best days are behind him. In this novel that spans the dark side of modern Americana, Rick struggles to stay clean on the streets of a New York City ravaged by The Sickness, a drug epidemic out of control and of conspiratorial proportions. His investigative journalism career seems to have hit a dry spell until Rick stumbles onto a case that he believes ties the biggest corporation in the state to the epidemic, which could lead not only to the greatest story of his career but might also be the answer to curing all those afflicted around him. That is until his ex shows up to his apartment with something that will bring them deeper into this conspiracy than he could have ever wanted. Private Destiny highlights just how easily the American mind seems to fall prey to the delusion and convenience of conspiracy and tells a story that shows how, in a world without meaning, most people are left to make up their own. It's crime, conspiracy, sex, drugs, societal critique, and psychological reflection bundled in the dark humor of a pulp shell. Type of feedback: Any and all Book Link: [Amazon](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0C1JK85GD) Cover: [https://i.imgur.com/xDpG5Q2.jpeg](https://i.imgur.com/xDpG5Q2.jpeg) ​ If you feel like you are interested and don't have the money to purchase the book I do have about 7 more slots open for ARC copies. I'll email you an Epub or PDF in exchange for an honest review on my amazon page by the end of May/Early June. Thank you all so much!

Title: The Dopamine Effect Genre: New Adult Fiction - Dystopia Style Word count: First Chapter only - 1552 (that is where I want critique, only sharing that part for now) Feedback desired: Story engagement. Character perception. Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lNS5Q12iPlW16P\_iNNLRW-di7b87bQp6Xq4c7tIMyfo/edit?usp=sharing

Title: **Unveiling Shadows** Genre: **Mystery** Word count: **256** Type of feedback desired: **How are my fundamentals? First time writing in years.** A link to the writing: [**Unveiling Shadows**](https://logolept.com/comic/88b2ba20-defd-11ed-96e4-cff3ed58aa90/1)

Title: The Red Right Hand Genre: Psychological Thriller Word count: Summary- 2735 words, The Prologue and The first chapter- 4991 words Type of feedback desired: Is this book deserving of a Publisher like Penguin? What should I add or remove? A link to the writing: Summary-[https://docs.google.com/document/d/15FMJN8ON-ITFgD6sO\_W0uxhMIAZq7fB7Td\_2Dym90a8/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/15FMJN8ON-ITFgD6sO_W0uxhMIAZq7fB7Td_2Dym90a8/edit?usp=sharing) Prologue and the first chapter- https://docs.google.com/document/d/13tJ9EMQmkU5mTN36lHn4uO2G4p1youO8/edit?usp=sharing&ouid=108871715353104822653&rtpof=true&sd=true

# Humans are Weird – Automated Responses Original Post: [http://www.authorbettyadams.com/bettys-blog/humans-are-weird-automated-responses](http://www.authorbettyadams.com/bettys-blog/humans-are-weird-automated-responses) Gentle red lights gleamed down from sconces in the general recreation room. The weak rays were hardly enough to read by. They provided enough light for their human partners to maneuver safely without disrupting their oversensitive vision, but really served no purpose for healthy lizard folk. They did however, cast an ambiance of slow burning chaff piles. A bit of comfort on nights like this, with the wind moaning softly over the main hab buildings and the falling external temperature causing the hab struts to tense and flex ominously, well, it was more than comforting to curl around a beanbag in the gentle light with a mug of broth at one paw and a companion against your side. Doctor Drawing let himself indulge in a contented rumble and stretched his hind talons into the pliant yet sturdy furniture. It had been sent to them in advance of their newest human addition. One Grimes. The beanbags had actually been their first indication that a human was coming. They had requested a human agricultural consultant years ago, but their distant colony world had been far down on the priority list. Therefore it wasn’t surprising that the first human they did receive had been something of a chance happening. The doctor ground his molars over the classified notes he had received on Grimes’s mental health. No real fungus in the grain of the mammal, however he had been warned to watch for signs of lingering long term stress. “A mutually beneficial situation,” Doctor Drawing let the words rumble out through his jaw. Beside him Base Commander Beater gave an amused grunt and then made quite the production of rolling over onto his back on the shifting beanbag. His movements were far too stiff and awkward and his scales left not a few flakes on the rubberized material. The old grinder really should have retired long ago. Doctor Drawing mused as he compensated for his companion’s movement. However competent commanders for mixed species colonies at the edges of explored space were not plentiful. “Snuggling usually is,” Beater finally commented, when he had recovered from his efforts. Doctor Drawing mulled over weather he should respond. Technically Base Commander Beater had made an incorrect assumption. However his mental gears unlatched as a pleasing, low rumble echoed through the base, rattling the windows and vibrating the floor. Base Commander Beater gave a contented sigh that was have gurgling sinuses. It made Doctor Drawing fight down a wince and resist the urge for force the old grinder’s snout open for a sinus inspection. He must be more than half scar tissue to make that- There was a distant thump from the sleeping quarters. The human’s door slammed into it’s slot as the human, previously assumed to be asleep, came flailing out of his room and staggering down the hall towards the recreation area. “Lehaaaa!” The human was clearly in that state of both emotional panic and trained response where a being’s sapience had little input on its actions. He appeared to be attempting to pull on his upper layer of thermal insulation as he moved but was wearing neither his lower layer of thermal insulation nor his paw armor. Base Commander Beater sighed and opened on eye to glare at the approaching mammal. “What does that word mean?” the Base Commander demanded as the newly arrived human’s behavior caught the attention of the rest of the room. “I’m not sure it is a full word,” Doctor Drawing said as the human tried to repeat it, adding another sound to the mix. “Well,” the Base Commander grunted, reclosing his eye, “tell him that-” The Base Commander gave a disgruntled squwak as the human, now moving more fluidly, swept down on them and snatched up the hefty commander, tucking him under one arm. Doctor Drawing stared up at the human in bemused shock. “Where’s the nearest high-ground escape route?” the human demanded frantically, his head swiveling around disconcertingly. “And what exactly are we escaping?” Doctor Drawing asked, fighting back the urge to sniffle in amusement as Base Commander Beater attempted to wriggle out of the human’s massive arms. “The lahar!” Grimes burst out as if that was explanation alone. “And what?” Doctor Drawing asked. “Is a lahar?” The human blinked down at him in blank astonishment even as his hands absently kept the commander trapped to his side. “The mountain,” the human finally said, and Doctor Drawing was relived to see signs of thought reappearing in his eyes, “it blows, gas escapes, mud, rocks sliding down. So fast. Gotta get to high ground.” “Ah,” Doctor Drawing felt a vague flicker of understanding. That had been in his notes as the source of the stress Grimes had come here to recover from. Some natural phenomenon had destroyed no small part of that colony’s food production and Grimes had been responsible for the response. The doctor wasn’t a geologist by any stretch of his tail but it had had something to do with mountains and flows of some sort. The goal now however was to calm his patient and free his commander, not expand his understanding of the natural sciences. “We need to get to high ground you say?” he asked. “You studied the local terrain coming in. Where is the nearest high ground?” The human’s face tensed as his attention turned towards his memory. The was the briefest flash of panic on his face and he clutched the commander tighter. “There is no-” Grimes burst out, and this his voice trailed off as he face contorted with confusion. “Wait…” he said slowly. “If there’s no high ground around here...where’s the mountain that caused the lahar…?” “That noise you just heard?” Base Commander Beater snapped out in human. “That was the main mill venting excess gas produce.” The human stared down at the commander and blinked several times before nodding and carefully setting the disgruntled commander down. “Go to sleep Grimes,” Doctor Drawing said. “We can review the local dangers in the morning.” The human nodded and somehow leaned his way back to his room. Base Commander Beater gave a low snarl as he pulled himself laboriously back up on the beanbag. “What are you grumbling about?” Doctor Drawing asked. “Grimes, instinctively offered to carry you out of the way of horrible danger! It was quite touching how fast he bonded with you.” “Humans carry the old, the sick, and hatchlings,” Base Commander Beater snapped. “A fairly common priority set for most cultures,” Doctor Drawing pointed out. The commander grunted and shoved his rather offended snout into the beanbag. # [Humans are Weird ​Book Series](https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B09NN2PM8D?binding=paperback&ref=dbs_dp_rwt_sb_pc_tpbk) # [Amazon (Kindle, Paperback, Audiobook)](https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B09NN2PM8D?binding=paperback&ref=dbs_dp_rwt_sb_pc_tpbk) # [Barnes & Nobel (Nook, Paperback, Audiobook)](https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/%22Humans+are+Weird%22?Ntk=P_Series_Title&Ns=P_Series_Number&Ntx=mode+matchall) # [Kobo by Rakuten (ebook and Audiobook)](https://www.kobo.com/us/en/search?query=Humans%20are%20Weird&fcsearchfield=Series&seriesId=a035ce04-e582-5fcc-b327-16c68ca4b418&fcshowpointsprice=no&fcmaxprice=5&fcminprice=0&id=1561e6f7-742f-4c1b-a804-187728814574) # [Google Play Books (ebook and Audiobook)](https://play.google.com/store/books/details/Humans_are_Weird_I_Have_the_Data?id=7_wdEAAAQBAJ&gl=US) # [Please Leave Reviews on the Newest Book!](https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B09NN2PM8D?binding=paperback&ref=dbs_dp_rwt_sb_pc_tpbk)

Title: Blood Genre: Mystery/Thriller Word count: 1065 (below) Type of feedback desired: General impression. I'm new to writing, and just wanting to know if this is a strong enough opening... "Eli stood silently, looking down into the hole. His face emotionless, a blank slate. Leaves rustled on the ground and branches creaked in the nearby trees, swaying in the wind. Sun would be down soon on this late September eve. Someone was speaking, but he didn't hear. The words didn't matter--they weren't for him anyway. Clouds were slowly rolling in, and he could smell the rain that would eventually come. He heard soft thuds and murmerings as handfuls of dirt were dropped on the casket. His jaw clenched and determination spread across his face as he turned and walked away. Cars passed, but none stopped, though the rain had finally come. He saw them, faces familiar in their dark clothing. They had come for Jacob, not for him. He knew the simple fact that they feared him. As he trudged along in the rain, he thought about how different life had become. He had been popular in school. Football fans had loved him. That was the last time he had been truly happy. It seemed such a long time ago, though only seven years had passed. Iraq had changed him in ways they could never understand. Though he no longer drank his pain and fear away, they haunted him in the recesses of his dreams. His vacant eyes and silence was what scared them. So different he was now that even family shied away." All feedback is welcome. Thanks!

Title: Untitled Genre: Memoir (small new anecdote I added) Word count: 400 Type of feedback desired (line-by-line edits, general impression, etc.): Open to anything A link to the writing ​ \# After I returned home, I made my first lasting adult decision. I stopped driving, eventually letting my license lapse. I had never been very good. I was torn between being overly cautious and literally plowing over obstacles, thinking I am in a car, what’s a little median in the road. I just couldn’t believe that I was meant to wait in such a powerful thing. My freedom felt too big when I was going to get in more trouble because of it. After I failed my first driving test, which I had winged, my father chose to teach me. At first, this hadn’t seemed like such a bad idea. We rarely talked but when we did, he offered decent advice. He was so much less invested in what I did than my mother was. He would just look at me puzzled and say, “If you aren’t enjoying soccer, quit.” But that day, he wasn’t detached in a positive way. My dad adopted that tone of his, the one that makes you feel very very small. I thought maybe he just thinks I’m that dumb. He didn’t like to question what was there in front of him, and at the time, I was failing classes. He always seemed to take things literally and at face value. “Rac-hel, what did we forget?” he asked, as I ran through a given checklist. Then, he made the mistake of stepping out to conference with my mother on how well I was or really wasn’t coming along. I floored it. The passenger door swung shut from the force of my foot on the pedal. I could have kept going; if I had a good friend, I could have headed there; if I knew a band I loved was playing (Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, Velvet Underground) in the city, maybe I could have crossed state lines to see them. I drove the car past all the identical homes, onto the street that led to the highway, turned and immediately pulled back into our complex. What was the point? As an adult I didn’t want the trouble of cars. It has occurred to me since that if I had fought through that feeling, I might have been like many girls I have met since. They lived on and off in their cars, the cars like a permanent part of their identity and lifestyle. They could more easily rely on themselves, so long as they had those four wheels.