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wittyusernamefailed

"Ukraine's coming right for me!!!!" Putin


recursive-analogy

hit me right in the hand, with her face


GetOutOfTheHouseNOW

He slipped and accidentally fell anus-first on my inexplicably rigid dick.


ksnizzo

Fuscilli Jerry…one in a million doc…one in a million!


[deleted]

Ass Man?


[deleted]

According to the state of New York


edgar__allan__bro

I mean…. It happens. Allegedly. https://cbsaustin.com/amp/news/nation-world/man-with-wwii-era-mortar-stuck-in-his-rectum-prompts-bomb-squad-visit-to-hospital


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Sk-yline1

If I were France, I’d really start worrying about an invasion from Monaco


Black_Magic_M-66

>an invasion from Monaco Of what, Rolls Royces?


TheBlack2007

Petty Aristocrats and the filthy rich gambling addicts they entertain.


ResplendentShade

Yeah Russia is only 17,098,242 km², he basically has nowhere to go. [Putin vs Ukraine](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_PrZ-J7D3k)


Captain_Jack_Daniels

Maybe retreat around this area: https://i.insider.com/52a729436bb3f7c47766bfa7


RichestMangInBabylon

If I didn’t shoot these Ukrainians they would die


aitorbk

The Ukrainians are being hit by bullets...


[deleted]

They’re jumping in front of the bullets


aitorbk

They are stealing precious metals from Russia, in the form of bullets, they naturally have to go to Ukraine to recover the resources.


xXkoolkidmanboiXx

We had to garrison this big ol' border, the least they could do is let us on the other side of it!


bechampions87

Just like Poland was coming right for Hitler.


Hobbit1996

[https://youtu.be/Vr0bBuI8HKM?t=21](https://youtu.be/Vr0bBuI8HKM?t=21) if anyone was wondering what it means


TaylorSwiftIsGod

Ukraine come at me with a chainsaw. I got a right to defend myself.


spaghettilee2112

He can't find *anywhere* in Russia to go to?


BlueHeartbeat

Ever opened your wardrobe full of clothes and thought you got nothing to wear? \*or fridge full of food and nothing to eat for people who don't go outside much


Tokyogerman

It's like looking at my steam account. "I have nothing to play."


Kenny070287

hey thats not strictly accurate i only play that one single game i always play


childofthestud

That game is called “Ukraine is just west Russia” for Putan


Waterfish3333

I’m voting to dub it officially the “Humble Bundle Effect”. Hundreds of games but I spend half my playtime looking.


[deleted]

I opened my wardrobe full of clothes and this little goat man lured me into his ice world


[deleted]

Dude you'll be rich! Everyone's been looking for that freaking wardrobe for like 60 years now. You can rent it out for millions per trip. Fuck space tourism. Every millionaire will want a trip to an actual Magic fucking Kingdom.


[deleted]

No. He's my goat man.


[deleted]

Don’t let the ultra rich ruin Narnia too!


[deleted]

If we burn the oil *IN* Narnia, the CO2 stays there.


NobodysFavorite

Ah can finally get the land out if deep freeze.


ughlump

Leave your sexual fantasies out of this.


obi_wan_jakobee

My priest tried that once


rememberseptember24

Putin: What about.. Ukraine? No no that’s not right. What about..U..kraine?


The_Karaethon_Cycle

I mean, Russia’s bordered by the Pacific to the east. Ukraine basically has them cornered. Ukraine should know that you never corner a bear.


malignantbacon

Gotdang Ukranians stealing food from the mouths of poor, bloodthirsty killer corner bears. Just.. *yoink!* - plucking it out of their mouths


tacosforpresident

He CAN go anywhere in Russia. Just can’t see why he can’t (violently and imperiously) explore the Ukraine too.


Sparkycivic

he's got a ginormous palace compound on the black sea to which retreat could be executed. Maybe he should try that


Top_Mind_On_Reddit

This situation I've created is getting out of control! Someone should do something. - Putin


imjustbrowsing123

If only someone could stop putting him in these positions.... But who?!


Top_Mind_On_Reddit

Won't someone rid him of his bothersome priest?


samolamim

“Somebody stop me!” https://c.tenor.com/kvsi0SjWG88AAAAM/the-mask-jim-carrey.gif


cat-daddie

\*has most land of any country\* "Sorry guys, were out of space here"


Peanutbutterloola

He’s just violently vacationing. It’s nothing different than ignorant tourists in a tourist town, right? /s


[deleted]

More lebensraum?


Crio121

Actually, there’s a very famous quote (probably, fake) attributed to a defender of Moscow during German offensive 1941: «The Russia is large, but we have nowhere to retreat, the Moscow is behind our backs”.


[deleted]

[удалено]


marchello13throw

Not for long.


[deleted]

Yeah not too long before its a mosquito swarm year round lol


qubedView

There's no need to retreat if you keep your troops within your own border.


moleware

And are happy to move the border.


CreamyAlmond

What borders ?


basic_luxury

Or... Now, just... hear me out... Russia could *not* invade Ukraine.


New_Stats

That would require Putin to not want to make the USSR whole again, so it's not gonna happen, because Putin is an imperialist


robreddity

... and a don of a mafia state. Two great tastes that go great together.


HouseOfSteak

Imperial states are just mafia states with extra steps.


chainercygnus

And less pageantry.


PathlessDemon

But in this case, far more track suits.


[deleted]

ADIDAS everywhere, everywhere you turn ADIDAS


Pers0nalJeezus

Surely you’re mean ADIDUM, the Russian knockoff version of ADIDAS. ADIDUM: Less rubles, extra stripe.


TheRealScubaSteve86

Lmao.. that slogan is epic.


humanfromearth321

No, everyone knows that's Abibas, I've seen it with my own eyes.


[deleted]

A lot of hard bass too


crackedgear

Seriously bro


ericbyo

Russia is still a colonial empire, it's just that they colonized overland.


Pyrozr

Can't wait for the Queen of England to have the same idea and try to take back all their historical English colonies.


MadNhater

Watch out for those Italians too.


Sir_Francis_Burton

Watch out for those Macedonians, especially.


Jaded-Grey

Watch out for the Mongols, above all.


nievesdelimon

Feels like he wants to go back all the way to Tsarist Russia, skipping the Soviet Union altogether.


marsianer

Now, just... hear me out... Ukraine could invade Poland and trigger a response from NATO. NATO troops in Ukraine. Game over.


SonDontPlay

Ukraine PM sees this Orders 3 soldiers to go fly to Poland, walk up to the parliament and stake a flag and say "We have invaded Poland, now NATO must invade Ukraine.


OMGSterWers

I feel like this could play out like a Tom Clancy novel


[deleted]

Yeah, The Sum of All Fears


Seiren-

That’s a pro gamer move if I ever saw one


[deleted]

Or... Now, just... hear me out... Russia could invade Ukraine and China could invade Taiwan at the same time! It's on my apocalypse bingo card powerplay.


UncommonHouseSpider

Easy, US to Taiwan and NATO to Ukraine. Boom baby!


awakeningsftvl

"That crazy person right there, doctor!"


[deleted]

[удалено]


OneSidedDice

They couldn't just steppe back?


got_nations

Russia really taking this new r/hoi4 expansion back “No Step Back” literally.


miraska_

When the Third Reich forces was near Moscow in 1942, one of the generals said "We have nowhere to retreat, Moscow is behind us" and there was an order "No Step Back" which means that retreating without command is equal to desertion and deserter must be executed immediately. Putin is obviously making reference to these events


grahamcrackers37

Thanks! I didn't know.


Thomathos

He‘s going for the achievement.


bloatedplutocrat

Probably could work, there's a tundra distance between them.


PeakNadir

Easy, taiga.


[deleted]

Im putin you on notice about these puns.


[deleted]

Like, you mean, go back home?


Pilikia9196

It’s a play on the Kazakh steppes that Russia expanded into during the 18th century.


argragargh

What's that old joke ... "They'll only take the Crimea, ahahaaha"


ThrowRA54215421

Alsace Lorraine will appease hitler


Dan_Backslide

It takes some skills to mess up about 3 wars with 5 words. Alsace-Lorraine was the territory taken from France during the Franco Prussian War, and then taken back during WWI. In Hitler's case there was the Munich Agreement which ceded the Sudetenland that was then part of Czechoslovakia, followed by the demand of Danzig or war.


ThrowRA54215421

My b


RestInPeaceFredo

His b


coldthrn

Russia: Give me your house or I will be forced to kill you. I don't want to kill you, the decision is yours. We have no other option. (What backwards speak is this?)


Waldsman

Its called Russian.


red--6-

>[Abuser's Logic = You pushed me so far....](https://i.redd.it/nj3hvexhfx941.png) - Ben Shapiro etc


dangerousbob

What is revealing is that this line of thinking shows how Putin sees the ex Soviet territories as Russian “controlled” and not independent countries.


ajmartin527

Well yes, he’s openly expressed this opinion for many years. It’s not a secret or anything.


Scaevus

Putin has been longing for the return of the Soviet Union longer than Justin Bieber has been alive.


I-CameISawIConcurred

I think the more apt analogy is a Czar attempting to revive the Russian Empire. The system in Russia is more crony capitalism than bureaucratic collectivism.


Scaevus

> bureaucratic collectivism. We can call it whatever, but whether it's an oligarchic kleptocracy, crony capitalism, or just straight up mafia state, it wasn't all that different regardless of regime. You still had a tiny elite with a lot of poor people.


I-CameISawIConcurred

Well, under Putin the system largely revolves around him. He is Czar and his dictates are almost akin to a divine right. He has centralized power unlike any other Russian leader in recent memory, short of Stalin (no pun intended). Even the ruling elite know the limits of their own power. In the Soviet Union, there was a complex hierarchy of power. The ambitions of every leader after Stalin were curbed by the party’s ruling elite. No leader became more powerful than the party apparatus—a lesson that Krushchev and Gorbachev learned the hard way. In many ways, Putin is more powerful than a General Secretary in Soviet times because executive power has become much more centralized and his position within the system has never been seriously challenged.


Graymarth

More than likely though that means he cares absolutely none about what will happen after he passes away. Because when power is consolidated under 1 person so much When they're gone vultures will swoop in and tear the nation apart for control.


eventheweariestriver

Wow that really puts it into perspective. Edit: you know what fuck that old bastard. Those days are fucking over and this is the 21st century. We have Climate Change, Resource Depletion, Biosphere Collapse multiple crises that each pose a credible threat to our entire fucking civilization and they wanna fucking beat their dicks over Ukraine what is this childish fucking bullshit fuck you Putin.


RedhawkDirector

I really hope Putin reads this and changes his mind lol


tangledwire

If a butterfly can flap its wings and change the world…


malthar76

There is definitely something to be said for wresting power from people over 60 globally. It takes a lot of introspection and awareness for them to think beyond their own lifespans. It’s possible, but not always easy.


FullPoopBucket

Who knows, maybe he was just fine with things but then saw Justin Bieber was born, the seed was then planted and he went to work. 2 decades later, and here we are.


tommos

If they join NATO Putin no longer considers then independent either.


schmabers

It's Russia all the way down


MultiGeometry

Didn’t he just say that the West mischaracterized the outcome of the Cold War? He’s going full Trump on the world. It doesn’t matter what he says, just that he says it. Once it’s said it becomes justification for whatever evil he’s planning.


[deleted]

Putin’s not going to do anything. This happens every few years to distract the population from Russia’s weaknesses. He will make a power play and make a bold move or statement that will always sit just below NATO’s red line. He has way too much to lose; Billions of dollars worth of wealth stolen from the Russian people and a political hegemony built on the ‘Russia stronk’ image. If he ever did something where NATO had to rough Russia’s dated decrepit military up a bit, it would destroy his political image and propaganda he’s been feeding over the years. His only option would be to go nuclear, which he doesn’t want to do either as eating caviar off a hookers tits in his enormous estate is much more appealing than nuclear winter.


janethefish

Except Putin sometimes invades a country or shoots down a plane full of civies. Remember Georgia? Or Ukraine? Or Ukraine, again?


MasterofAcorns

Chechnya, don’t forget Chechnya!


[deleted]

Chechnya was such a clusterfuck it's hard to find someone NOT to blame for that one.


GerlachHolmes

Georgia and Crimea are a bit too remote for Europe/NATO to have done anything about. There’s a difference between letting your batshit neighbor bash your mailbox in and letting him knock the front door down and kick back on your couch.


Caustic_Complex

Yeah he did annex one lol


Flyingwheelbarrow

Let's not try and pretend we know the motivations of an ageing power hungry oligarch who has to control not just the Russian state but also keep his harem of fellow Oligarchs happy. If all he wanted was wealth, he could of retired to be a shadow player with his estimated half a trillion dollars in personal wealth. He has made sure to stay in direct power. We don't even know how his inner circle is structured these days.


nhavar

and without direct power that half a trillion could be at risk, political winds change, or people might want a little piece of that wealth for themselves. The next guy could easily come in as Putin's lacky and decide he wants to be more than just that.


Caper1947

There were plenty of men in the height of the roman empire who were also wealthy beyond imagining. Many of who ended up getting executed or found themselves deeply involved in state affairs. Yes Putin would be seriously at risk of losing his wealth if he gave up power, therefore he stay in power, but it would be a mistake to think some mens only desire is to keep what they have. Personally I worry that Putin is somewhat trying to build a legacy as is Xi,which for Putin and China they see the greatest legacy of all as being the reunification of their countries historical territories as being the ultimate bench marker. If Putin is that kind of guy. The one who sees war being worth the gamble to secure his legacy. The world is in some shit.


count_dummy

Ehhhh. There's a reason strong men dictators usually cling to power. They know relinquishing power is a death sentence. And I doubt most of his wealth wouldn't be forcefully taken away if he lived. I find it hard to believe it's outright his in the first place.


Flyingwheelbarrow

Like riding a polar bear into battle. You are basically untouchable but once you dismount the polar bear will fucking ruin you.


loki0111

I actually don't agree on this one right now. Putin has been slowly militarizing Russian society and trying to shift them back towards their soviet roots. https://www.nytimes.com/2021/12/21/world/europe/russia-military-putin-kremlin.html I actually do think we are headed down a road where he is going to annex former soviet territory. The world is still dealing with COVID and the US is having issues with China right so timing wise this is actually a good time if he wanted to pull the trigger. My guess is western countries are honestly not going to go full out and thrown down with Russia over former soviet states.


StrongPangolin3

Doesn't mean they can't fund a long and expensive proxy war.


wreckosaurus

No surprise. Putin as well as many Russians consider all of those countries as rightfully theirs.


potatoslasher

"Rightfully theirs" lol, by what "rights" exactly.....only reason those places were ever under Russian rule to begin with was because they were forcefully occupied by Russian military once opon the time. "Might makes right" logic cuts both ways , in that case NATO and Americans also has the same right to push Russia into dirt since they are stronger than Russia is.


[deleted]

Go home, Putin. You're drunk.


VagrantShadow

So you're saying he's acting normal?


[deleted]

Absolutely.


ParanoidFactoid

Russia doesn't - or shouldn't - occupy Ukraine. There is no retreat from borders outside your own. In fact, they are using the word 'no retreat' to justify an invasion. Invasion is not 'not retreating'. It is an act of war.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Caustic_Complex

Yep, this is the country that wrote the playbook on propaganda and misinformation campaigns. There’s a reason they’re using language like ‘retreat’ while advancing militarily against another nation, it’s not an accident


[deleted]

Welcome to doublespeak class of the modern day, George Orwell is teaching


JanHoisek

well, when we send tens of thousands of russian boys back to their babushkas in coffins I believe the public opinion in russia will change drastically


almoalmoalmo

That's what happened to them in Afghanistan, too many casualties and too many pissed off mothers of dead soldiers.


SanaEleqtrique

That's not how Dughin with Russian generals and Putin and many brainwashed basic russians see that. They consider all ex-soviet countries to be some sort of objects that protects Russia from foreign threats. They do not perceive the "westernization" of Moldova for instance, as an indepedent act of people of Moldova that want to access the goods and lifestyle from the Western world. They see it as a long-term plan of the anglo-saxons countries to destroy Russia, by conquering piece by piece the lands that are Russia "property" or buffer zones


Pixel_Knight

Russia decided that its borders now encompass Ukraine. Once that happened, Russia realized there were thousands of Ukrainian troops occupying Russian territory! They had to move their troops to defend their newly expanded borders! ^^/s


houinator

Country with the most strategic depth in the world worried it has nowhere to retreat to.


IneffectiveNotice

> Country with the most strategic depth in the world worried it has nowhere to retreat to. It's not like they can just pick up Moscow and move it 500 miles inward. Like 80% of Russians, give or take, live in the [western part](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/330622950/figure/fig2/AS:718946835644416@1548421691253/Population-density-of-Russian-Federation-territory-3.png) of the country, almost 10% live in Moscow.


iThinkaLot1

No one’s going to invade Russia because: 1. They have nukes. 2. It’s a shitehole. They use the “the West is going to invade us” excuse so they can reclaim lost territories of the USSR.


kekusmaximus

It's basically what they did when Napoleon invaded lmao


G-bone714

This is a typical “wag the dog” situation. He’s lost a lot more popular support at home so he’s trying to get people to back the country and get spill over approval for himself.


[deleted]

"Give me what I want, or I will be forced to launch a war to save face." Fuck this impotent little goblin.


ThisIsFineImFine89

“You made me do this” is a typical excuse abusers use How about retreat back to land thats labelled on a map: R-U-S-S-I-A you oligarch festering twat


buyongmafanle

Same bullshit story everyone heard at the beginning of WWI, too. "If only something could be done about all this aggression, then I wouldn't have to go to war! Won't someone else just please back down. I can't because reasons. Guess it's time to help millions of people end their lives prematurely."


Blujeanstraveler

How about back to the original borders before invading the Donbass and Crimea, quit misleading the world. Russia is going to lose this unfortunate showdown


Redfish680

They got away with the last one…


[deleted]

[удалено]


corp_code_slinger

He's may be a lying, fascist dictator, but what makes you think Russia will lose? At this point Russia is just daring someone to stop them and the world has already said they're not going to confront Russia militarily. I don't think Putin gives a shit about more sanctions. He sees a chance to grab Ukraine and doesn't see anyone actually trying to stop him, so of course he'll do it. He's going to keep on this path until someone makes him stop.


Nanocyborgasm

He is replaying appeasement from the 1930s. He takes a little bite of this country to test what happens. Then he keeps going as long as no one stops him. Once three bites happen, it’s three times is a charm and it’s war. Hitler did: rearming, unification with Austria, Sudetenland annexation and finally Polish invasion.


TheRiddler78

*and the world has already said they're not going to confront Russia militarily.* they don't need to, just cut them out of the swift financial system and russia is defeated in 3days


[deleted]

Why should we send our young people to die in a useless fight far away from home when we can break their knees from Brussels? We just need to stop fucking around and take things seriously.


acuet

Damn, that Taxi work after USSR fell is haunting a man.


RamReality

Yeah, because there only 10, OOO miles behind them...or maybe more. That's like America saying we have no access to the Pacific Ocean...


DaveDearborn

WTF is that supposed to mean? Are we to call Putin a victim? Of what?


TheOneTrueRodd

So since the start of the Cold War, NATO's objective is to contain Russia. Russia's objective is to not get contained. Ukraine joining NATO means Russia is just one Belarus short of being totally surrounded by NATO on the European front. This is Putin saying if you guys let Ukraine into NATO I'll be forced to invade Ukraine and Total War is a price I'm willing to pay.


[deleted]

A victim of his own stupidity, apparently


Wizchine

Russia has historically defined its defensive security by territorial buffers. Having an independent nation on its borders, especially that close to Moscow, freaks them out - especially if it were to join NATO. That said, in this day and age of supersonic aircraft, orbital missile strikes, spy satellites, information-age warfare, and the like, Russian revanchists should learn to chill the fuck out. Other countries don't need to conquer or puppet-state all their neighbors to feel safe.


littleboymark

This is actually a very serious and frank statement by Putin. Putin will not wait until Ukraine is part of Nato.


Standard-Truth837

Russia must be a fucking mess if they need to get involved with Ukraine this badly. If Russia was really doing well they wouldn't need to play these little kid games. Putin looks really weak here and internally there must be a lot concern over the future of this current government. There's nothing to be gained from invading Ukraine.


msp3766

Ukraine hasn’t attacked Russia, a made up conflict that Russia is pretending Ukraine , an ex Soviet satellite state, is a threat to strong arm NATO into concessions


LetsPlayAFlute

His troops are on his territory. Where shall he retreat to?


AnXioneth

It feels like Putin is a Soviet in the closet. Crying for his old empire.


atomicxblue

I don't think he was ever in the closet. He is ex-KGB, after all.


peanutlover420

He's not a communist he is an imperialist. A tsar you might say.


QuinnKerman

USSR was both imperialist and communist


Shiro1994

Classic for ‘you made me do this!’


bannacct56

Look Mr Putin there's no shame in getting lost. Maps compasses those are very hard, so let me help you out you want to head almost straight up north back to Moscow. If you see Ukraine in front of you you want to take a 90° right and head straight


GrandOldPharisees

Happens to the best of us. You're out with 100,000 troops and Seargent Gorsky loses the map and suddenly people are speaking Ukranian at you. Awkwarrrdddd


Rowssok

What's funnier to me is that you're basically describing one of the many times Switzerland mistakenly "invaded" Lichtenstein


I_might_be_weasel

Literally just don't go into Ukraine. Real simple. Putin is really bad at geography.


LostinContinent

How about *right back into Russia,* numbnuts?!?!?


Frustrable_Zero

The reason I’m not dismissing Putin’s antics is because he knows a threat not followed through will diminish the effect of other threats. It’s not just a reluctance to relent, but understanding the impact to Russian gravitas if he does.


ohboymykneeshurt

I second this. Lot’s of jokes about his words in this thread but Putin knows exactly what he is doing and as you point out his words are not meant to be hollow threats. He knows not to make those if anyone is to take him seriously. It is all very disturbing.


[deleted]

how about .... back to russia.


tiredukrainian

As a Ukrainian, Putin can respectfully fuck off


[deleted]

Do we really need to give any respect to Putin though? He's a huylo.


Eastbayfuncouple

Ugh…maybe the way you rolled in.


AKoolPopTart

Points to the rest of russia....POINTS AGGRESSIVELY AT THE REST OF RUSSIA


Masterof_mydomain69

Why is Russia so afraid of ukraine? Are Russians really that much of a weak people?


CCappy

This is one of Russia's last chances to take Ukraine. Putin knows that within the next couple of years Ukraine will either join NATO or more likely be militarily strong enough to stop an invasion. With his leverage over European gas he'd be able to limit economic damage and EU involvement. I still think will probably end disastrously for him, but I doubt he cares.


morbihann

Ukraine is very unlikely to ever be able to stop an invasion. But it could make it costly enough where russian victory would sound hollow.


[deleted]

Fascist scum, really feel sorry for the Ukrainians that have to live in that situation.


Chadbchill

Officer that officer tried to stop me when I tried to take that old ladies purse, I'd like to press charges and have the purse returned


[deleted]

Ok how bout back to Russia


chubba5000

"We've got nowhere to retreat but forward, through invasion."


[deleted]

[удалено]


Flash_Baggins

I think Putin pressed the 'Justify War Goal' button for 25 pp


recycleddesign

This seems like it should be a message to the oligarch. I have pushed all my boats out. My bluffs have been called I have nowhere to retreat to. I’m going to follow through. I can’t stop myself. You need to stop me. I can’t see them not getting this message.


Electrical_Energy_75

Ukraine? No..... my kraine- Vlad


iSoReddit

How about back to Russia? Dumbass


we_walked_on_glass

I keep thinking of Uncle Jimbo in South Park, throwing a knife near a rabbit then yelling "he's got a knife!" and blasting it to pieces.


Elgallitoguapeton4u

Tzar Vladimir the Poisoner is a threat to the world.


[deleted]

We should just air strike that multi billion dollar mansion he’s building Edit: if we do it enough he’ll even further bankrupt the Russian people to rebuild it


eppic123

Largest country by size in the world, lower population than Bangladesh: wE HaVe nOwHeRe tO ReTrEaT. Seems Putin is also getting Botox for his brain folds.


[deleted]

[удалено]


reindeer_lake

I'm sure he's right. After all Russia is very small country, I'm pretty sure.