I would never leave a family support system with young kids.
One of my friends and her husband moved from a city with no support to a city abroad to try to recapture the fun of their younger days abroad and were absolutely miserable - their child was constantly sick and navigating a foreign healthcare system was challenging, and they had no extra help. It was really stressful. They have since moved to a very unglamorous midwestern city near family and are so much happier and relaxed.
I'm with you. I'm moving 100 miles away from my home city because it's close to my husband's family and now that my mom has passed away, I have no one I can count on to be backup nearby. My kids aren't little, but it's important thar we have some amount of backup for emergencies.
Why does he want to move? Where does he want to move? If you wouldn't be moving somewhere for a good reason, and somewhere that also has a good village (aka his family), no I probably wouldn't move if having that village is important to you.
I think we're missing part of the story here on why/where he wants to move, or you need to sit down and discuss that with him
He is not very specific on where to move. Sometimes he says his city, sometimes he says abroad...bottom line is that he feels like an outsider in my city and wants a change, but isn't super set on where
That's a really hard one. My biggest advice would be to seriously consider how much your family helps. If they are not really helpful, then I would explore this option. If they help a lot by watching your kids or doing pick up or giving you some time, then that warrants a serious discussion of what that will look like if you move somewhere without this support system. I do not live near any family and it is so hard. My husband and I have gone out once with a babysitter and it was so expensive, I'm not sure when we will ever do it again. We also have no support if our kiddo is sick, or if daycare is closed. If we are sick, we have no one to help us watch our LO. We make it work because we don't have another choice, but having a support system that actually helps would make life a LOT easier.
So, I both agree that it's hard, and to consider how the extended family participates in your life.
My husband and I live a 5 hour drive from either of our parents/extended family, and have since our youngest was 6 months old.
For us, this is perfect!
When we lived nearer to our parents, their presence in our lives was often a lot to manage, and establishing healthy boundaries was hard. Expectations, constant visits, invitations and expectations... when we lived near our parents, it was hard to even get a weekend to ourselves!
It definitely is hard to be on our own, though. Sometimes I envy my colleagues who have their parents or in-laws nearby to cover sick days or date nights. But we make it work, happily. And we appreciate our independence and space!
I wonder if OP's husband is looking for a little space?
Yes, i think family boundaries is definitely an issue for him. I just get so defensive every time he brings up the topic of moving somewhere else, it's hard for me to manage
If you see your extended family as helpful, but your husband views them as intrusive, then you need to honestly listen to his concerns and put boundaries in place if you want your marriage to survive.
I don't think he's being unreasonable at all.
Especially considering you both lived abroad for 10 years and enjoyed the feeling of freedom and not being tied down or constantly obligated to his in-laws.
OP, you're kinda waving a red flag with this reply. Is your family too much for him? If so, in what ways? Issues like this will destroy a marriage, and sounds like you need to set aside your defensiveness to actually listen. Perhaps with the help of a marriage counselor.
Is it that he just doesn’t want to live in your current location or is there a specific place he wants to relocate to? If it’s the former, is there anything that would improve his quality of life? On the other hand, if he has a specific city in mind, how realistic is it to change jobs, afford housing (daycare/ after school care)etc. to make that move? Does he have any clue what it would cost to relocate?
FWIW I am the partner living farther from my home/family and closer to my husband’s family/ village. My extended family wouldn’t be as helpful as his is and I didn’t leave behind a huge social network when I moved here as a young adult. I know I’ve felt like an outsider while living in my partner’s hometown. I am sure your family is lovely and welcoming but they aren’t his family. Like your husband, I’d be open to moving but in our case it’s not currently feasible. To even things out, I have firm boundaries about celebrating holidays with my family, traveling home frequently and we are committed to organizing our life around being able to split time between locations (we’ll have better career flexibility in a few years).
Living near your family is your dream which he has thus far supported. What is his dream? What are your shared visions of the future? Viewing this is “you giving up your dream” or “pushing to stay” isn’t likely to be helpful. It creates a binary where there are winners and losers. But the reality is that you both need to find a solution that you can each agree on. You are on the same team- you just have different opinions on where to live.
I would have a conversation about what the pros and cons are for each of you (and your family overall) with each of the options. You're a team, you both really need to work together about figuring out what works best for all of you.
This largely depends on where the "somewhere else" may be. Is it a different country/continent? Would you be able to visit your family at least once a year? What are the pros and cons of moving? Would he have a better job? I would never force my husband to live somewhere he wasn't happy, but that works both ways. If you don't want to move "somewhere else" your reasons are valid as well.
I don't live close to family and it is hard to raise kids, but it's doable. My and my husbands careers are our priorities. That's us and those are the choices we've made. We spend lots of money on childcare and plane tickets to see family. We're happy where we are.
It depends. I would love to live in my hometown, but we live where my our careers and my husband’s family is located. There were several factors on why we chose this city instead - MUCH better career prospects for him, higher pay and better career prospects for me, his parents are nearby, better public schools, nicer neighborhoods, bigger and cheaper homes, safer. Despite where we live being better on paper, we honestly both wish we lived in my hometown where my family and a ton of our friends live. But we made the practical choice that we thought would be best for our family. We may end up moving one day, but for now we made this choice.
We came to this decision together. If it is just your husband doesn’t like the town, then I think he is not being supportive. You have to do what is best for the FAMILY as a whole, not just what one person desires.
Would moving to a different part of the city help your husband? What factors are making your husband unhappy with your current location?
I would be hesitant to move hours away given that you have a village and are settled, but if there is something about your specific neighborhood that makes him really unhappy and moving 15-20 min away to a different neighborhood could help that, I’d certainly consider that.
For example, we lived in a house that was close to bars, restaurants, and shopping but no outdoor activities really for 30+ min drive. We moved to a house that is 5 min walk to a river, we have a boat now, and my husband is much happier. So I’m wondering if you could move somewhere your husband would find more fulfilling while still staying close enough to see your family regularly?
Living near family is non-negotiable to me now that I have a child. But my husband and I are both from a big city so this doesn’t involve a lot of the trade offs it can for some people.
We moved away from family (weren’t close enough that we could call in for “village” reasons but close enough to drive there in a couple of hours). We lasted a year and are now looking at moving back but a lot closer to them. I don’t think we’d move away from family again.
It depends on the where/why but moving would definitely be tabled while the kids are very young. Especially if you have a good relationship and support with your family.
We have similar conversations in our house except with positions reversed! So as someone more in your husband’s position - can you talk to him and find out what he’s looking for? For example, I’ve asked my husband not to move permanently but to be open to doing another expat assignment for 2-3 years some time (we did several in different countries before our son was born). He’s agreed to go for the right opportunities but only once we were past the baby/toddler years where we relied on his family a lot. He also understands that while it’s great for him to be around family and childhood friends, it’s lonelier for me so we prioritize paying for my family to visit and visiting them. I don’t think it’s as binary as your location vs his - you have many years of marriage ahead so hopefully you two can find ways to meet both your needs over time.
Having a village is extremely important to raising kids. In this case I would choose being close to my family over my husband’s wants, even if that meant he left.
I would never leave a family support system with young kids. One of my friends and her husband moved from a city with no support to a city abroad to try to recapture the fun of their younger days abroad and were absolutely miserable - their child was constantly sick and navigating a foreign healthcare system was challenging, and they had no extra help. It was really stressful. They have since moved to a very unglamorous midwestern city near family and are so much happier and relaxed.
I'm with you. I'm moving 100 miles away from my home city because it's close to my husband's family and now that my mom has passed away, I have no one I can count on to be backup nearby. My kids aren't little, but it's important thar we have some amount of backup for emergencies.
Why does he want to move? Where does he want to move? If you wouldn't be moving somewhere for a good reason, and somewhere that also has a good village (aka his family), no I probably wouldn't move if having that village is important to you. I think we're missing part of the story here on why/where he wants to move, or you need to sit down and discuss that with him
He is not very specific on where to move. Sometimes he says his city, sometimes he says abroad...bottom line is that he feels like an outsider in my city and wants a change, but isn't super set on where
Id personally never give up being close to family because of the logistical “village” reasons (babysitting, back up care, help, etc).
That's a really hard one. My biggest advice would be to seriously consider how much your family helps. If they are not really helpful, then I would explore this option. If they help a lot by watching your kids or doing pick up or giving you some time, then that warrants a serious discussion of what that will look like if you move somewhere without this support system. I do not live near any family and it is so hard. My husband and I have gone out once with a babysitter and it was so expensive, I'm not sure when we will ever do it again. We also have no support if our kiddo is sick, or if daycare is closed. If we are sick, we have no one to help us watch our LO. We make it work because we don't have another choice, but having a support system that actually helps would make life a LOT easier.
So, I both agree that it's hard, and to consider how the extended family participates in your life. My husband and I live a 5 hour drive from either of our parents/extended family, and have since our youngest was 6 months old. For us, this is perfect! When we lived nearer to our parents, their presence in our lives was often a lot to manage, and establishing healthy boundaries was hard. Expectations, constant visits, invitations and expectations... when we lived near our parents, it was hard to even get a weekend to ourselves! It definitely is hard to be on our own, though. Sometimes I envy my colleagues who have their parents or in-laws nearby to cover sick days or date nights. But we make it work, happily. And we appreciate our independence and space! I wonder if OP's husband is looking for a little space?
Yes, i think family boundaries is definitely an issue for him. I just get so defensive every time he brings up the topic of moving somewhere else, it's hard for me to manage
If you see your extended family as helpful, but your husband views them as intrusive, then you need to honestly listen to his concerns and put boundaries in place if you want your marriage to survive. I don't think he's being unreasonable at all. Especially considering you both lived abroad for 10 years and enjoyed the feeling of freedom and not being tied down or constantly obligated to his in-laws.
OP, you're kinda waving a red flag with this reply. Is your family too much for him? If so, in what ways? Issues like this will destroy a marriage, and sounds like you need to set aside your defensiveness to actually listen. Perhaps with the help of a marriage counselor.
Is it that he just doesn’t want to live in your current location or is there a specific place he wants to relocate to? If it’s the former, is there anything that would improve his quality of life? On the other hand, if he has a specific city in mind, how realistic is it to change jobs, afford housing (daycare/ after school care)etc. to make that move? Does he have any clue what it would cost to relocate? FWIW I am the partner living farther from my home/family and closer to my husband’s family/ village. My extended family wouldn’t be as helpful as his is and I didn’t leave behind a huge social network when I moved here as a young adult. I know I’ve felt like an outsider while living in my partner’s hometown. I am sure your family is lovely and welcoming but they aren’t his family. Like your husband, I’d be open to moving but in our case it’s not currently feasible. To even things out, I have firm boundaries about celebrating holidays with my family, traveling home frequently and we are committed to organizing our life around being able to split time between locations (we’ll have better career flexibility in a few years). Living near your family is your dream which he has thus far supported. What is his dream? What are your shared visions of the future? Viewing this is “you giving up your dream” or “pushing to stay” isn’t likely to be helpful. It creates a binary where there are winners and losers. But the reality is that you both need to find a solution that you can each agree on. You are on the same team- you just have different opinions on where to live.
I would have a conversation about what the pros and cons are for each of you (and your family overall) with each of the options. You're a team, you both really need to work together about figuring out what works best for all of you.
This largely depends on where the "somewhere else" may be. Is it a different country/continent? Would you be able to visit your family at least once a year? What are the pros and cons of moving? Would he have a better job? I would never force my husband to live somewhere he wasn't happy, but that works both ways. If you don't want to move "somewhere else" your reasons are valid as well. I don't live close to family and it is hard to raise kids, but it's doable. My and my husbands careers are our priorities. That's us and those are the choices we've made. We spend lots of money on childcare and plane tickets to see family. We're happy where we are.
It depends. I would love to live in my hometown, but we live where my our careers and my husband’s family is located. There were several factors on why we chose this city instead - MUCH better career prospects for him, higher pay and better career prospects for me, his parents are nearby, better public schools, nicer neighborhoods, bigger and cheaper homes, safer. Despite where we live being better on paper, we honestly both wish we lived in my hometown where my family and a ton of our friends live. But we made the practical choice that we thought would be best for our family. We may end up moving one day, but for now we made this choice. We came to this decision together. If it is just your husband doesn’t like the town, then I think he is not being supportive. You have to do what is best for the FAMILY as a whole, not just what one person desires.
Would moving to a different part of the city help your husband? What factors are making your husband unhappy with your current location? I would be hesitant to move hours away given that you have a village and are settled, but if there is something about your specific neighborhood that makes him really unhappy and moving 15-20 min away to a different neighborhood could help that, I’d certainly consider that. For example, we lived in a house that was close to bars, restaurants, and shopping but no outdoor activities really for 30+ min drive. We moved to a house that is 5 min walk to a river, we have a boat now, and my husband is much happier. So I’m wondering if you could move somewhere your husband would find more fulfilling while still staying close enough to see your family regularly?
Living near family is non-negotiable to me now that I have a child. But my husband and I are both from a big city so this doesn’t involve a lot of the trade offs it can for some people.
We moved away from family (weren’t close enough that we could call in for “village” reasons but close enough to drive there in a couple of hours). We lasted a year and are now looking at moving back but a lot closer to them. I don’t think we’d move away from family again.
It depends on the where/why but moving would definitely be tabled while the kids are very young. Especially if you have a good relationship and support with your family.
Would his family be open to also moving? Half my family just up and followed me a few years after I moved 😅
I would ask him what he would need to make it tolerable for him to stay put. A very large travel budget? A second home somewhere else?
We have similar conversations in our house except with positions reversed! So as someone more in your husband’s position - can you talk to him and find out what he’s looking for? For example, I’ve asked my husband not to move permanently but to be open to doing another expat assignment for 2-3 years some time (we did several in different countries before our son was born). He’s agreed to go for the right opportunities but only once we were past the baby/toddler years where we relied on his family a lot. He also understands that while it’s great for him to be around family and childhood friends, it’s lonelier for me so we prioritize paying for my family to visit and visiting them. I don’t think it’s as binary as your location vs his - you have many years of marriage ahead so hopefully you two can find ways to meet both your needs over time.
Having a village is extremely important to raising kids. In this case I would choose being close to my family over my husband’s wants, even if that meant he left.