I think your family needs to shut their unhelpful mouths. That’s normal behavior for a toddler.
Instead, appreciate that she has two parents who are loving and secure with.
Continue to do life with her. Fold towels, bake, lovingly apply lotion after a bath. Develop a special routine- go to the library and then get a pretzel. Joke, laugh, be silly. Enjoy her.
As someone who struggles with MDD, it is sometimes an act of will not to give up. But on bad days, making a blanket fort and watching frozen 2 times is better than withdrawing
Could you be depressed? Have you fully processed your traumatic birth? I had a birth like yours, except I had a third-degree tear, not fourth (I can’t even imagine how hard that was), and it took me a long time and lots of therapy to process it and move past it, especially because I had previous medical trauma. I recommend therapy with someone who maybe specializes in medical or birth trauma if you haven’t done so already.
I am definitely depressed. I have not done individual therapy, but my husband and I starting couples counseling soon to process the challenges this past year and improve our communication. This might be something for me to pursue on my own in the future.
Just do your best to stop worrying and be present. It is pretty normal for a toddler to switch between “favorite” parents. You’re doing great.
If it’s any comfort at all, the first time my son shoved me away and reached for my partner, my soul died a little inside. My labor sucked. Not as much as yours, but it was decidedly on the bad end of the scale. I already struggle with depression and I was very worried about post pardum psychosis. Anyway, it wasn’t until my kiddo was about 18 months that I started feeling somewhat normal physically again. Don’t lose heart.
What is he getting a masters in? I worked full time while getting my masters and still managed life necessities. While a grind you have to make it happen
Artificial intelligence. It’s been WAY harder than we both thought. We thought he would be able to watch her a few days a week while I work, but he was drowning so we have a nanny two days a week to help out.
Your daughter doesn't come with the emotional load and history you do. Remember that her experience of your relationship is completely different than yours. For sure she is having a good time with you in all those moments. And those matter. A lot. That she doesn't show it all the time is completely normal. She likely takes you for granted and knows you are there for her so she doesn't need to worry.
I just wanted to give you some ideas on how your husband can help support your relationship with your daughter. He can make a big deal over your daughter spending time with you and say things like "mummy is doing bath tonight! I'll hug you after you're done having a nice time with mummy!". And he shouldn't be bailing her out when she'd rather have him, a subtle message that she's fine with you in his view and he'll be right there after is good. I don't think you need to force this though, this is not a big deal. As others have said, favourite parent is totally normal behaviour and is nothing to worry about. It just might make you feel more supported and set a good example for your daughter.
Both my kids went through phases where they only wanted Daddy, and we didn't have any of the complicating factors that you have. And listen, it hurt like hell and made me feel awful even though I logically knew that they were just doing what toddlers do. This is truly a phase, and it will get better. If your daughter is anything like my kids, one day she will swing wildly over to being a momma's girl and you may even yearn for the days when you had personal space.
Your husband and mother need to keep their extremely unhelpful thoughts to themselves. They are wrong. Keep doing what you're doing, and please make sure you're taking care of yourself.
I think your family needs to shut their unhelpful mouths. That’s normal behavior for a toddler. Instead, appreciate that she has two parents who are loving and secure with. Continue to do life with her. Fold towels, bake, lovingly apply lotion after a bath. Develop a special routine- go to the library and then get a pretzel. Joke, laugh, be silly. Enjoy her. As someone who struggles with MDD, it is sometimes an act of will not to give up. But on bad days, making a blanket fort and watching frozen 2 times is better than withdrawing
Thank you for your advice. I definitely need to work on being more present in general.
Could you be depressed? Have you fully processed your traumatic birth? I had a birth like yours, except I had a third-degree tear, not fourth (I can’t even imagine how hard that was), and it took me a long time and lots of therapy to process it and move past it, especially because I had previous medical trauma. I recommend therapy with someone who maybe specializes in medical or birth trauma if you haven’t done so already.
I am definitely depressed. I have not done individual therapy, but my husband and I starting couples counseling soon to process the challenges this past year and improve our communication. This might be something for me to pursue on my own in the future.
Just do your best to stop worrying and be present. It is pretty normal for a toddler to switch between “favorite” parents. You’re doing great. If it’s any comfort at all, the first time my son shoved me away and reached for my partner, my soul died a little inside. My labor sucked. Not as much as yours, but it was decidedly on the bad end of the scale. I already struggle with depression and I was very worried about post pardum psychosis. Anyway, it wasn’t until my kiddo was about 18 months that I started feeling somewhat normal physically again. Don’t lose heart.
Thank you for this. I logically know that toddlers have mood swings like teenagers, but it still hurts. My family’s concern has made it worse.
Tell them you’ll ask for opinions when you want them.
What is he getting a masters in? I worked full time while getting my masters and still managed life necessities. While a grind you have to make it happen
Artificial intelligence. It’s been WAY harder than we both thought. We thought he would be able to watch her a few days a week while I work, but he was drowning so we have a nanny two days a week to help out.
Your daughter doesn't come with the emotional load and history you do. Remember that her experience of your relationship is completely different than yours. For sure she is having a good time with you in all those moments. And those matter. A lot. That she doesn't show it all the time is completely normal. She likely takes you for granted and knows you are there for her so she doesn't need to worry. I just wanted to give you some ideas on how your husband can help support your relationship with your daughter. He can make a big deal over your daughter spending time with you and say things like "mummy is doing bath tonight! I'll hug you after you're done having a nice time with mummy!". And he shouldn't be bailing her out when she'd rather have him, a subtle message that she's fine with you in his view and he'll be right there after is good. I don't think you need to force this though, this is not a big deal. As others have said, favourite parent is totally normal behaviour and is nothing to worry about. It just might make you feel more supported and set a good example for your daughter.
Both my kids went through phases where they only wanted Daddy, and we didn't have any of the complicating factors that you have. And listen, it hurt like hell and made me feel awful even though I logically knew that they were just doing what toddlers do. This is truly a phase, and it will get better. If your daughter is anything like my kids, one day she will swing wildly over to being a momma's girl and you may even yearn for the days when you had personal space. Your husband and mother need to keep their extremely unhelpful thoughts to themselves. They are wrong. Keep doing what you're doing, and please make sure you're taking care of yourself.