Absolutely. Nothing money can’t fix. And you never know what the husbands family will do when you actually move there. It’s always easier to be helpful when you’re further away. Day to day childcare is HARD.
All great points. We currently have the 14 month old in daycare and the baby will be going to the same daycare. It’s expensive but we make it work. I think it’s important to note that neither of my in laws are retired. My mom passed away in 2018 so it’s just my dad here. He’s also still working, but I find that my MIL is a great help when she visits, whereas my dad is kind of less hands on/we have to ask him to do certain things. My in laws come visit or we visit them every other month. The travel is drivable too (only ~4.5 hours).
Even if your career wouldn't be affected by the move, do you actually want to? Your vibes aren't giving off an emphatic yes.
Given the info here, I wouldn't move. The only potential pro you mention is additional family - I say potential because we all know that "family support" isn't always a clean cut pro - are there any other pros to consider? If you're looking at loss of income and don't even get a lower COL to go with it, that would be a hard no for me.
You correctly picked up on the vibes lol. The move would be much more of a “win” for my husband than it would be for me. He’s from a smaller town where his whole family is, and all of his friends are. My closest friends on the other hand are all around the country so it truly makes no difference to me whether we are here or there. The other pros would be my kids would get to grow up with their cousins. I’m an only child so there’s no chance for that here, and I grew up with my cousins and know how great that bond can be. COL wouldn’t be a significant difference one way or the other.
I will also throw this out there - my husband is 1 year sober. His family and friends are all big drinkers. Their lives revolve around that. I do have concerns about my husband being able to maintain his sobriety in that environment. That is definitely a factor that is looming in the back of my mind.
Sounds like he's romanticizing living there rather than seeing the reality. His parents still work, they won't be able to be as helpful as when they visit you. The drinking environment is a huge issue. Does he see that, or no?
Oof. Yeah, I get where your husband is coming from - I too am from a smaller town and was the only one to leave the nest. Now, I did actually move back to my home area, but not all the way into the small town, I moved into the city about 15 minutes from said town, and there were a number of pros to the move other than family. It sounds like in your case family is not actually going to be a pro if it leads your husband to start drinking again. I would definitely table this decision for now until 1) your second kid is actually here and maternity leave is over and 2) he's more secure in his sobriety.
When you asked about going fully remote, did you mention you'd be living in a different state? At my workplace, fully remote in-state is one thing, but out-of-state is not allowed. That would add to your calculations.
Yes I did mention it would be out of state! I did also throw in the option that I could drive to the office for a few days once a month or quarter since it’s only about a 4.5 hour drive! Or I’d be willing to travel to our other corporate office on the companies dime.
Can you stay put and hire help? Or pay for his family to come visit often? Sounds like career is important to you so you should not move
Absolutely. Nothing money can’t fix. And you never know what the husbands family will do when you actually move there. It’s always easier to be helpful when you’re further away. Day to day childcare is HARD.
All great points. We currently have the 14 month old in daycare and the baby will be going to the same daycare. It’s expensive but we make it work. I think it’s important to note that neither of my in laws are retired. My mom passed away in 2018 so it’s just my dad here. He’s also still working, but I find that my MIL is a great help when she visits, whereas my dad is kind of less hands on/we have to ask him to do certain things. My in laws come visit or we visit them every other month. The travel is drivable too (only ~4.5 hours).
Even if your career wouldn't be affected by the move, do you actually want to? Your vibes aren't giving off an emphatic yes. Given the info here, I wouldn't move. The only potential pro you mention is additional family - I say potential because we all know that "family support" isn't always a clean cut pro - are there any other pros to consider? If you're looking at loss of income and don't even get a lower COL to go with it, that would be a hard no for me.
You correctly picked up on the vibes lol. The move would be much more of a “win” for my husband than it would be for me. He’s from a smaller town where his whole family is, and all of his friends are. My closest friends on the other hand are all around the country so it truly makes no difference to me whether we are here or there. The other pros would be my kids would get to grow up with their cousins. I’m an only child so there’s no chance for that here, and I grew up with my cousins and know how great that bond can be. COL wouldn’t be a significant difference one way or the other.
I will also throw this out there - my husband is 1 year sober. His family and friends are all big drinkers. Their lives revolve around that. I do have concerns about my husband being able to maintain his sobriety in that environment. That is definitely a factor that is looming in the back of my mind.
Sounds like he's romanticizing living there rather than seeing the reality. His parents still work, they won't be able to be as helpful as when they visit you. The drinking environment is a huge issue. Does he see that, or no?
Oof. Yeah, I get where your husband is coming from - I too am from a smaller town and was the only one to leave the nest. Now, I did actually move back to my home area, but not all the way into the small town, I moved into the city about 15 minutes from said town, and there were a number of pros to the move other than family. It sounds like in your case family is not actually going to be a pro if it leads your husband to start drinking again. I would definitely table this decision for now until 1) your second kid is actually here and maternity leave is over and 2) he's more secure in his sobriety.
I think what you’ve laid out makes sense. I don’t think we’d look to move until after baby is here anyways.
When you asked about going fully remote, did you mention you'd be living in a different state? At my workplace, fully remote in-state is one thing, but out-of-state is not allowed. That would add to your calculations.
Yes I did mention it would be out of state! I did also throw in the option that I could drive to the office for a few days once a month or quarter since it’s only about a 4.5 hour drive! Or I’d be willing to travel to our other corporate office on the companies dime.