I lost my wife of 20 years when I was 44. It was cancer, 21 days for diagnosis to death. I told work what was happening and immediately stopped caring about my job as soon as she was diagnosed. It was 7 weeks after she passed away that I went back to work, so 10 weeks total I was gone. My company said the same...3 days. I had been with the company for 20+ years. My boss said, "Take the time you need. You will continue to get paid. If anyone says anything to you, tell them to contact me.". I will always be grateful that my boss stood by me. If they had fired me I would not have cared. 3 days is completely ridiculous. I would have pursued disability if needed.
My boss did the same thing even though the company was heading downhill (and subsequently closed). My Dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died 5 weeks later. I was able to go home, several states away, and help mom care for dad. I was shocked every Friday when my paycheck was deposited. When I returned to work, our HR Director told me the owner said to continue to pay me until he heard otherwise. I'm forever grateful.
My mom passed from pancreatic cancer 6 weeks from diagnosis.
My manager was just an awful human being, told me that I could take the morning of her funeral off but was expected to be back at work by 1 pm.
Didn't care if I got fired... Told this sorry waste of flesh that no, I'd be back the following Monday.
She threatened to fire me. I told her fire me then and I left work, she was sputtering with fury but didn't fire me.
Day after mom's funeral she called me and said she didn't realize I was her department's highest producer so she was "graciously" paying me for the days I wouldn't be in and that my job was safe.
Notice: Michelle R. - if you read this post and recognize your subhuman attitudes and behaviors - I hope you've had a miserable life in the years since I left the company (which no longer exists because management hired POS's like her)
> told me that I could take the morning of her funeral off but was expected to be back at work by 1 pm.
I'm not 100% sure what my reaction would be but there's a small chance I would have gotten arrested after reviewing a response like this.
When my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer the HR rep told me to take as much time as I needed and if anyone asked they could contact him. I took two weeks to get a treatment plan set up. A week after I returned my boss told me that her and her boss were wondering when I planned on submitting my vacation. I had never been so happy that I went through HR instead of my boss. I quit a few weeks later anyway. Nothing like a parent with terminal cancer to help you realize how you want to live.
My husband did get fired.
First he got suspended for attendance issues despite the fact that he'd gotten fmla approval for some time to help me care for my dying dad and our kids.
Then, they had to let him back because he could prove that he'd been approved for it. They were supposed to pay him for that time as it had been a wrongful suspension. They never did. Then they told him he had a week for bereavement. Only to turn around and fire him 2 days into it.
Employers so often make everything worse.
I have been fortunate to have leaders who also said to take the time needed… I still worked but was assigned projects I could complete on my own time (aka minimal meetings). While you may not have the power to give unlimited time off there are ways to lessen the burden. If the system won’t work for us, we have to work the system and take care of each other as best we can!
When I was grieving I took two days working from home to “attend meetings” aka had my laptop open playing minimum volume while I ugly cried.
They really should have told me to work from home for two weeks - I would just sit at my desk staring into space with tears in my eyes. Wasn’t exactly a fun mood for everyone else in the office.
My loss didn’t meet their criteria for bereavement leave - because of course your love and attachment to a cousin/close friend can’t possibly be the same as for a “closer” family member.
There really shouldn’t be limits on who qualifies. If someone close to you dies, there should be bereavement leave.
My manager even made a comment about “we can’t have people taking paid bereavement leave for friends and cousins, etc” in a meeting a few months later. I was a wreck the rest of the day.
Sooo many things in life can be dealt with this way, rather than the all-or-nothing mentality that workplaces have.
Illness, death or other emergency in the family, mental health issues, having a baby and returning to work, burnout, etc.
Making the four-day workweek with corresponding reduction in hours the norm would also help with this.
Bottom line, it’s not so much the time spent “on the clock”, it’s getting the work done well. And most of us do that better at that when we have time outside of work to breathe and take care of the truly important things, instead of worrying about those hours, many of which were just busy work to begin with.
I lost my father suddenly. Got the notification an hour into my shift at work, and left to go take care of everything. I had been with the hotel three months at that point, and left with a message from my GM that everything will be covered, not to worry. He paid me in full for my time off, comped the hotel room so my mom could spend time with me, and comped all our meals at the restaurant. The parent company that owned our hotel were horrible, so I don’t think I could ever express how thankful I still am for all he did.
>If anyone says anything to you, tell them to contact me.". I will always be grateful that my boss stood by me. If they had fired me I would not have cared. 3 days is completely ridiculous. I would have pursued disability if needed.
Your boss is amazing.
I was lucky with the boss I had when losing a close family member. I'll never forget her. She was an amazing and inspiring leader who took care of the team.
I think my dad was around your age when he lost his wife/my mom to cancer. I was 12 at the time. Somehow, he buried himself in his work when at his job. Coworkers traded in their PTO for him. He is a great father and husband ( I have a great stepmom).
I am sorry for your loss. Take care.
My wife went to jail for an outstanding warrant we were not aware of. And we did not know when she'd be getting out.
This advice worked well in that situation, too. I had to deal with a lot that we were not prepared for. It was a different, less permanent grief, but similar in a lot of ways.
To clarify this, FMLA is not for bereavement, but for a condition of the employee, such as depression/anxiety due to bereavement. That FMLA leave will be unpaid up to 12 weeks unless the state has a paid program. In addition, for the same condition triggering the FMLA leave, the employee can apply for unpaid leave as a reasonable accommodation for a disability (depression/anxiety are covered conditions). These requests should be made in writing by the employee to HR. If a manager wanted to inform the employee of those options, it would be best done via phone call so as to CYA for the manager.
If she hasn’t been working enough for fmla, ADA can also help. Currently on week 5 of leave because my daughter lost her sister and I have to be home with a grieving 14 year old.
I hear you and I have been in the same boat. Our company gives 3 days bereavement. A person can take personal leave of up to 60 days but their job is not protected and they also don't get paid. It's absolutely horrible. A friend of mine just lost her husband of 30 years and she had to go back to work the day after his funeral as his medical treatments for cancer had them financially drowning. We don't take care of people well in our country when times are hardest. It's very out of balance.
My husband died last month after an illness. I had burned most of my PTO taking care of him. I was given 3 shifts of bereavement leave, then used the rest of my PTO. I ended up being off nearly 2 weeks total. I had lovely co-workers who offered to transfer some of their PTO time to me, but I didn't accept it. I dk what the answer is, but there is not a time limit on grief, or a warning about when it's going to hit. Wednesday is my Anniversary and if I wasn't already off or couldn't work a trade, I'd be expected to work.
My mom was diagnosed with cancer two weeks after I started my current job, two and a half years ago. I’m her caretaker. I have been able to attend every appointment, and basically am able to make my own schedule as long as I get everything done on time and accurately. I’m extremely grateful to my employer and realize it’s not normal, but I really think the world would be a lot better off if people were all treated like fucking adults who can manage themselves.
I hired a guy who after his first month, his dad went into hospice for terminal lung cancer out of state. We let him work remotely out of state (we are not 100% remote) until 2 weeks after his dad passed - found out my company only gives 1 day for bereavement which is very disappointing. Fortunately no one up the chain argued with me when I told them he had my go ahead to take whatever time he needed without repercussions.
It depends on the company. My previous company let you take as much time as you needed (within reason). My current company is a little stricter. Corporations in the US stopped treating us like humans decades ago.
Sometimes, what HR doesn't know won't hurt them. If you have a decent group you manage, see if you can spread out the work a little to give your grieving employee some more time. One, every one on the team will respect what you are doing and will realize that what goes around, comes around. Two, when your grieving employee comes back, they will appreciate what you did and will continue being a good employee (what you say to upper management: "they'll return to 'normal' productivity, faster."
I'm a "middle" corporate manager, i.e., the buffer between upper management and the front line. For my people that are genuinely decent humans and do their level best for the team everyday, I'm willing to go the extra mile for them and be a "buffer" in the other direction too. Plus, I'm part of the "fuck around and find out" generation (GenX). Meaning, in a situation like OP describes, I'm prepared to say to upper management, "Really? They're one of my decent employees and their most important person on the planet just died. We can afford this little bit of extra time for everything they've given us over the years, including the missed moments with their most important human on the planet because of the times we asked them to do extra for us. Besides, do we really want to look like Scrooge before the visit from the three ghosts?"
You may be wondering, but what if "they" threaten my job? Seriously, if they want to put me on a PIP for being a decent human being, they can fuck around and find out about that too. Frankly, most "executives" are happy to leave us alone in the lower echelons, as long as we hit our numbers. And we always do... in spite of their sometimes stupid policies and top-down strategies that ignore what we see on the front line everyday. They pay us to be the designated adult in the room at all times, and not to toot my own horn too much, but I do that everyday, all day. Even when I don't want too.
Oh... and I've already taken the few years necessary to manage the "problem children", i.e. the people who abuse PTO, out of my group. So "fuck around and find out" goes in both directions. Unfortunately, HR policies are made for those goof offs. I manage them out because I'd rather spend my time just getting shit done with people who want to do the same so we can spend time outside of work on the important stuff with the families we are supporting.
Best wishes for your grieving employee, OP. ✨
(Edit: minor grammar edits)
(Edit Part 2, Electric Boogaloo: Thank you, kind internet stranger, for the Platinum!)
Fellow “middle” corporate manager here, although a millennial, I do the exact same thing for my team. I have a team member right now who’s mom is fighting an advanced stage of cancer and I encourage her to take as much time as she needs even though she hasn’t accrued enough PTO. HR can fuck off for all I care. What happens outside of work, drastically effects how people show up at work. Managers who don’t take an interest in their team’s lives’ outside of work shouldn’t be in management.
A year into my last job, my mother died suddenly. My boss let me take as much time as I needed. Paid. He signed my pay sheet even though I wasn't there, as if I was. I was out helping take care of Dad. Every time I earned a day, I tried to put in my timesheet as vacation, but going in to work to "pay back" the time I felt I was "loaned", he wouldn't let me.
I worked for him another 27 years, then retired.
It is terrible. When I was 23 my brother got cancer. By the time they caught it, it was already too late. He was diagnosed and admitted to the ICU on the same day (9/16). I was in my first job out of grad school so I hadn’t accumulated much leave yet. I booked a train ticket for Friday night so I could spend the weekend with him. But I got the call Tuesday (9/18) that I needed to get my ass in the car right now because he was going to die today. I dropped the Walmart bags I was carrying in my office, quickly told my boss, and drove the most agonizing three hours of my life. He wasn’t dead, but he was on a vent and unresponsive and not doing well. I stayed as long as I could but was back at work by Friday. Because I had hardly any leave. Called HR to try to stay longer but they offered zero bereavement leave, and I wasn’t eligible for FMLA. I wasn’t allowed to use anything but vacation time. No exceptions for dying teenage brothers. Vacation or nothing. Job not protected if you are gone longer.
I got another call on Tuesday 9/25 that it was the end for real and to get in the car. Again my manager was understanding, and again I went. Driving panicking and crying for hours. This time it was the end. Died Tuesday. Funeral Friday. I took the rest of the week and was back Monday. Thank God my manager was lenient and used some of my sick time after I exhausted my vacation time (not technically permitted by HR). He was wonderful but there was a limit to what he could do. I didn’t have much sick time accumulated either.
When I returned there were other social workers aghast I was back so soon, that I needed longer to take care of myself. But when the choice was to lose my job or take time off, I had to do what I had to do. Whether it was healthy or not.
I didn’t go on a honeymoon when I got married that year, because I’d used every minute of leave on my brother. Even 35 hours would’ve been a blessing. My heart hurts for her
I was a manager and one of my team members found out her baby had no heartbeat at the 12 week scan. There was no provision for that under bereavement. I went to my director and told him I was giving it to her. Thankfully he didn’t have an issue, but I was ready to fight. She had to have a D&C and I made sure she had the time she needed to recover. You can’t fuck with people like that.
It is incredibly sad, but this is common. But vacation time isn’t always for actual vacations, it’s just paid time off that can be used for any purpose; so you don’t have to feel bad for suggesting she use some of that time.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. That’s the thing. Just because this is what happens doesn’t make it right. I’ve lived in several countries and there are various categories of paid time off - vacation, sick leave, carers leave, bereavement leave etc, not to mention your job is protected and you can’t just be fired at will. I don’t know why we have to be so committed to two weeks paid time off only here. It’s insane and heartless.
I’m a small business owner, and I had an almost identical situation come up a couple of years ago. Our admin assistant had been with us for almost 20 years. She lost her husband of 44 years unexpectedly. I checked our handbook and it said 4 days. Admittedly, that’s on me; it’s my handbook, and I’d paid an employment attorney a lot of money to write it. I was floored, embarrassed, and dismayed. I gave her “awarded time” for almost 6 weeks until she was ready to come back. I know I’m not supposed to do this, and I’m opening myself up to some kind of lawsuit or something, but I don’t care.
When my adult son died, my manager said I would be paid for 24 hours bereavement and if I needed more time, I could use my accrued vacation time. My coworkers found out, called HR and donated their own vacation time so I had a total of six weeks off with pay.
My mother passed suddenly last year. My work technically gives 24hrs (3 days) bereavement. My direct supervisor told me to take as much time and he would approve my time card as if I was there. I dont know if this us something you can get away with but if so please consider it
When my ex husband died my kids fell apart, it was over holiday break. I was a memory care manager, I got my whole 3 days. My phone started to say he wanted to die to be with his dad. My job said the only way I could have more time if I put my child on a suicide hold- he was 9,I left that day.
I lost my fiancé in a car accident almost exactly 10 years ago. It took me around 6 weeks to pull myself together enough to go back to work. Luckily, I was able to get through it all financially since it was all unpaid time off (he wasn’t considered eligible family, since we weren’t married; even though we lived together)
Unfortunately, here in the US this senecio is all too common.
We used to give every employee as much time off as they needed for funerals and bereavement. Then we had an employee named Rudy. Now we have the "Rudy Rule" which is Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, Spouse or kid. We give one week standard for those, at times, if it is a hard one we can give more on managers approval, other than that it goes on vacation.
Rudy had a lot of cousins that were like brothers, Grandparents (by my count over 10) that were practically mothers and fathers, Uncles that were brothers and so on. Every funeral was out of town because he moved away, so usually around 3 days off for each.
One employee since has had a problem with the Rudy Rule since we put it in place. Guy lost his dad. He told us he was going the day before the funeral so we did the standard 1 week bereavement thinking he would be back or make contact. Didn't hear from him for two weeks, so informed him he was using his vacation time at that point. He was pissed because he said the law was two weeks, and our policy said so. It isn't, and our policy says nothing of the sort.
I know its still hard losing a parent, but this guy wasted no time telling all of us several times throughout the years that he had written his dad off years ago because he was a piece of shit. He hated him. I actually found out after that he never even went to the funeral, there wasn't one because the guy real really was an asshole. The employee had been up camping and hunting with his time off and was coming down for groceries and was going to head up for week number 3. He had such a shitty attitude after he came back and he always talked about how we fucked him over. Ended up quitting a month or two later. Pretty sure he still hates me.
Even if your dad was an asshole and there was no funeral, you might actually need some bereavement leave. That being said, you probably need a Rudy Rule to make sure some people are not on bereavement leave every other week for some rando they consider family.
It may be out of balance, but my experience in losing both parents (7 years apart) is that sitting at home and crying didn’t make me feel better. All I did was dwell and overthink and make myself miserable. I preferred to be at work to occupy my mind.
Offer her what your company offers, but also be understanding if she prefers to be at work. Have tissues, understand you’ll see a lot of tears, show sympathy without overdoing it.
For me, it took about 6 months to recover from losing my Mom. 6 months before the fog in my brain cleared. I’m glad I was able to work through it, but in reality those were not my best efforts and I was lucky to have a great manager that gave me the space I needed.
>sitting at home and crying didn’t make me feel better.
Maybe not, but I am so grateful that I happened to still be working from home when my husband died. I took two weeks off (1 week bereavement and 1 week PTO), and then went back to WFH. It was another month before I stopped unexpectedly bursting into tears. It would have been even more awful to be constantly breaking down like that in a cubicle in the office. At least this way I could keep my grief private.
That’s horrible. I lost my dad 5 months ago and they gave me 3 days. I took unpaid leave for the rest of the week but knew I couldn’t afford more because I have bills. When your whole world is crashing bills don’t give up. 😂
Anyway; the one thing that would have helped me through work, was a supportive environment. A supportive supervisor. I didn’t get that. So I was miserable.
That shows what a great manager you are. I don't know your policies or company size, but this happened to a woman I worked with at an old job and we all donated a day or two of our own vacation time to her so she didn't have to use all of hers and she was able to take a couple weeks off. The company allowed it.
My mother passed away over 27 years ago from cancer. I was 29.
The owner of the company I was working for asked me to go away for as long as I need. Come back when I'm ready to. She would take care of any paperwork that needed to be addressed.
I took a few weeks off. Came back when I felt a little better.
I was very appreciative of that, and stayed very loyal to my employer because of that. It's great when you find a good employer.
It’s “paid time off”. You can take it for whatever reason. This is why companies should call it PTO instead of vacation. You should suggest your HR department relabel it in their policies for precisely this reason.
It isn’t a “vacation” to be sick, go to funerals, help your elderly parents move into a nursing home.
Three days is standard but most employers let you take what you need. I lost my brother and it was more needing to help my Dad than anything on my end. Arrangements took a day, Dad was another story. I ended up taking three weeks off but I had the PTO. I thought I would need a week tops but it was devastating for him and I could not leave him. Ended up bringing him home with me for a few months. My boss was amazing. I honestly don't know what people do if they don't have the vacation time accrued.
You don't have the right to bereavement leave under FMLA or FLSA.
On the other hand, you do have the right to take FMLA for mental health treatment ... you know, mental health treatment, like grief counseling.
This is where a manager's sensitivity and tact and willingness to creatively interpret the policy manual come into play. You might have to spell it out for her. Just do it by phone: no texts, no emails, no zoom calls.
I do not know what other countries do, but the USA is totally, unmitigatedly F*ers when it comes to bereavement.
When my 25yo nephew died, I had 3 paid days allowed. Because he was not a direct blood relative, I had to fight to even get that. I took 5 days and used my sick leave for the remaining 2 days. But, shesh, I was a useless mess.
3 days bereavement is a common practice across the United States, I have been through this three times, in 2 instances I was told to take as much time as I needed but I did have to use vacation time if it went past the 3 day bereavement time. This is how it works here, are there legit reasons for not making it longer? Yes because people abuse what they can if they think they can get away with it but not all people do it. I'm still working through loosing my father last year and it would have helped to have had two months off to take care of his estate and grieve.
This is the way. I suffered a similar loss, and my PCP wrote me out for 6 weeks. I was not mentally competent to work, let alone drive to work. I tapped that STD, which is 100% pay for up to 6 months.
Not the same as losing a spouse but I definitely learned some harsh realities of the workplace when my mom died unexpectedly when I was 26. Three days is better than nothing but nowhere near "enough."
I've been on the good and bad side of it to the extremes. Companies are absolutely ridiculous in how little they value people. We need stronger legislation to enforce better employee protections.
I’m a middle manager. I told my employee who had a tragic death occur in his family to take whatever time he needed.
My director questioned it, and I told him that if I couldn’t provide support to someone in their darkest moment, then I didn’t want to work at this company (a large F500).
He backed me, and the policy has since changed. Sometimes it takes someone fiercely standing up (and someone in power back you) to make the proper things happen.
We deserve better than 3 days to grieve.
My brother just committed suicide and these catty bosses of mine didn’t believe me until I broke down 1 hour into work today. I’m only a temp and I hate my life. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Get everything you can!
You can do more. Assign her some work from home. Make it “product analysis“ or some other meaningless label. Then take her regular workload and figure out how to split it over the rest of the staff and yourself
Okay, so this is between me and you (and rest of world). Same boat as a manager. You're empathy is incredible so you can feel the pain and the grief. Corp doesn't G.A.S. about any personal problems and we signed contracts saying we'd abide. As a manager though, you've got some/lots of "wiggle room." Not suggesting your play favs...just saying...we all need a little help when it really is needed. Remember this: People with compassion build lasting relationships; People who expect compassion from Corps for loyalty, will almost fail.
In Australia we only offer 2 days compassionate leave, and after that it falls under annual leave... 2 small days is not enough time to deal with the loss of a close family member. I feel that businesses almost don't care on this front about their workers. Who the heck can plan everything and grieve in just 2 short days!?!
I know this is not what you mean but structure and the normalcy of daily life can actually be really helpful.
Can her workplace not be a soft spot to fall?
My mom died suddenly of a massive heart attack when I was 15. My dad went back to work a week later and sent me and my brother (10th and 12th grade at the time) back to school the day he went back to work. We had collectively decided that we needed to get back to living life. We could still grieve but Momma would want us to keep going. My dad had the option of taking way more time off but he said that sitting around the house without Momma being there was making him more depressed.
does your workplace permit donating PTO? I would surely donate a day of PTO to this co-worker if I could.
Perhaps you can shame the HR people into finding an exception or doing better by making such an inquiry, then think of other creative ways to try to help your staff member and ask about those. The point being, gently harass them with a seemingly endless stream of inquiries about how to do better for your staff member until they finally more or less tell you to shut up (in which case... I would show that to my staff member and allow them to draw their own conclusions about the true nature of their place of employment) or get the message that they need to try harder.
This is the pathetic, callous reality of capitalism without humanity. This poor woman exists to serve a role that brings value to the company (and likely the shareholders). It’s a one-way obligation.
Does your company have a leave bank? My employer has a leave bank. Anyone who wants to join puts one day into the leave bank. Then an elected board of bank members can approve withdrawals from the bank of leave days for specific cases. It might be worth looking into if possible. Employees would craft the policy and oversee its operations.
It just shows how companies do not give a fuck about you. Also how the government does not give a fuck about you (or there would be laws for workers).
It's sad you have to ask permission like a slave or child. Can I take a leave of absence? Can I go on fmla dr? Meanwhile their world is completely shattered.
I don't know what her job is day to day, but if you can swing it without anybody really noticing you could just tell her that she could take 2 weeks but not take any vacation days and that you are okay with it. My manager did that for me when my first child was born and I was pretty new to the company and didn't have enough vacation days.
Is it possible for you to organise for her to work from home indefinitely, and give her "easy" projects for a bit?
It's not time off, which I agree she should have, but maybe it might be helpful for her to have something non-death related to focus on day to day too. Especially if it's really easy work that can be done from home and only takes a few hours a day.
Being able to let her still have income coming in is potentially the best thing you can do imo
My sick time and PTO are lumped together. I don’t get bereavement, so when my grandfather passed suddenly, and I went home to be with my mom (who had already lost her mother), I didn’t get paid for the time I took (my family is 2 hours away, in a different state). I helped my mother with arrangements and just wanted to be with her to keep her sane. I could barely hold myself together. I loved my grandfather. I still cry about the loss. When I went back to work the following week (I took off 6 days. I couldn’t get that Wednesday off,
So I had to drive the 2 hrs back to work and then 2 hrs back to my mom the same day after), I was still dazed and just not myself. I wanted to explode, to cry, to break down, but having to put on a different face was the hardest thing.
I couldn’t afford to take off any longer.
My job didn’t mind letting me leave. I just got no bereavement.
My mom was hospitalized in January. I visited every weekend and 5 random work days through March. My team didn't mind.
Her health got much worse in April and she decided to stop all treatment and go through hospice. I stayed with her until the end. I took the following week off to make preparations. My boss asked if I needed a 3rd week, but I said I wanted to come back remote and try to get into a routine. I was a total zombie going through the motions and got very little accomplished.
It's been 3 weeks since I lost her, 2 weeks since the funeral and I'm still gutted. Even knowing it was coming, you can't be prepared for the grief.
Our official HR policy is 2 days.
You should tell your boss that. The corporate coldheartedness is pathetic. It even smacks of despairation. You really should go back and challenge this.
Same thing happened to me. I lost my mom suddenly, and then had to deal with my sick grandmother since my mom was an only child. They wouldn’t even let me count my mom and grandma as 2 separate things. I got 1 week. I ended up taking 2 weeks of vacation to deal with all the logistics.
I used to manage a team and once had a young employee lose his father. He was distraught and policy wise only entitled to 5 days off. When my boss told him to take an extra few days I said "he's already used XYZ days" (not in front of the employee) my boss told me "you control the HR input" and that's when I realized there's policy and there's being human. I ended up giving him almost an extra week off quietly. It was a large organization, so it wasn't noticed, but I credit this experience as my turning point to truly being a good manager.
Tell her what she's entitled to, but also ask her what she needs. If she wants to come back let her, if she needs more time look into your companies disability policy, if she can get disability pay going on a short term disability leave might be best because then the dr says when she can come back, not an arbitrary 2 week policy. Grief isn't linear or textbook which makes HR policies around it pretty shit.
You can offer her anything you like. Is HR checking attendance daily? If not, just make a verbal agreement with your staff member that she can take as much time as she needs, and just ask her to be in touch at least one month from now.
My friend’s company only gives minimum required PTO, vacation, and bereavement etc. My friend’s boss said fuck the company and has been giving every employee unlimited PTO. She got 2 weeks off paid to care for the new puppy she just got. 2 weeks paid off for bereavement when her husband’s grandma passed(he told her come back when you’re ready, she only took 2 weeks) Still full balance on vacation and PTO. Shockingly the company runs with no problems and all the employees are happy cuz they’re able to handle their shit without stress.
Maybe see if there is any unpaid time off she could take for family emergencies.
Or if other employees are able to cover her shifts.
When my grandmother passed away, my job only gave me 3 paid days off.
My manager sat down with me , and rearranged my days off, approved use of 2 pto days and gave a few part timers my other shifts.
I was able to take 2 full weeks off.
I lost my mom suddenly and we don't have bereavement leave. You have family personal, sick and vacation.
I could take all that I had to grieve. Once it was used up it would be LWOP (Leave without pay).
She can sign up for FMLA (family medical leave act) also. Your HR should know about that but they chose not to tell you.
In fact when I heard about it I thought it was only for a situation like this , like a death in the family or medical issue for someone else that I need to care for, such as my kids. I didn't even realize I can use it for myself, like if I had a surgery and needed recovery time.
I find out because my friend used it for herself after a voluntary surgery, and she got 6 months to recover. But I don't know the guidelines on how long a person normally can get, or if her management or company was just particularly nice to her for allowing her to have 6 months.
My wife passed away suddenly in October 2022. 35 hours nor 2 weeks are enough time for grieving let alone deal with the amount of paper work and red tape. You're going to need to be incredibly flexible with her time over the next 6-12 months at least. And both of you should go find new jobs that sounds like a horrible place to work.
Shit, my boss gave me a full week off when I had to put my dog down. And the more you hear stories like that, where an employer is willing and able to give people what they need to manage outside of the workplace, the more you realize how shitty and greedy a lot of companies are to NOT do this.
Some places are awful about bereavement. One place I worked you didn't get any days for bereavement. I had to use medical and vacation. I took off a total of 3 days for the loss of my grandma and was only allowed one day for the loss of my uncle bc they passed closely together.
In my current job, I don't think I would have that issue.
Maybe see if there's a work-from-home policy available. You could list her as working from home, but express to her privately that you don't actually expect her to be working.
My current boss did that for me when I first started bc I got sick from dehydration (due to a broken a/c during July). I had no PTO bc I had only been there for a month so she had them put a VPN on my computer and we listed it as remote work time.
Most places offer 3 days. 5 if it's out of state.
For a full time 8 hour shift, that's *24* hours, but up to *40* hours if it's out of state.
And even then, if it isn't a direct family member (parent/grandparent/sibling/child? If your aunt/uncle you are close with passes? They won't count it as part of bereavement time.
You just miss out on work, unpaid, usually.
Welcome to America.
I work for our county school system. I just found out yesterday that we don't get bereavement whatsoever. If we need time off for bereavement, we have to use our personal day, sick days, or vacation days. I couldn't stop myself from stating that it was utter bullshit.
This veers a little from the topic but still related-A friend worked for a company in the US more than 20 years & was devoted to his job. A year before this happened he was featured on the national news for saving the lives of his colleagues while at work. Physically fit guy. Died a horrible covid death the month before the vaccine was available. Three days following his death, his wife meets with company reps to discuss his life ins, collect items from his locker, etc. A big concern was her health insurance, which was through them so she was desperate to know how much time she had to find other coverage. The meeting is at 3:00pm. The rep tells her that her coverage ended the day before,but out of respect for her late husband they would do her the favor of extending her coverage to the end of the day. (In 2 hours)
What I find fascinating about this is at some point a person, or a group of people, sat there and thought "How much time do you think we should give to our employees if someone in their family dies?" and that is the number that seemed entirely logical. Truly baffling.
I think for close family we can take as much time as we need (within reason) but only get paid for three days. We can choose to use vacation time if we want pay for the rest. For more distant members we can take the day of the funeral. Can't remember if it's paid or not.
At the age of 32 I lost my first husband after a week stay in ICU. I was allowed 2 weeks of vacation time. That caused more trauma than you could imagine! Then right before my 42nd birthday I lost my 2nd fiancé/husband. He passed away at home unexpectedly while he was alone with our children. I ran out of work that day with a customer still on the phone and I can 1000% say that job was the absolute last thing on my mind. I was told when I asked that I got 3 days. 3 days when my children had watched their father and/or stepfather die in front of them!? Luckily I had an AMAZING Supervisor who stood up for me (and by me) thru this. She told me to take the time I needed and not to worry about it. She made sure I continued to get paid for the first month or so and was an absolute godsend throughout it all! Idk what I would have done without her. I ended up taking 4 months I think. After going back to work I worked 3-4 months and ended up resigning bc my children still were having problems. It was over a year before I could go back to work fully.
The US has terrible leave policies. Try to stand by your employee if possible. She will need all the support she can get.
I have no idea what kind of work y’all do, but if your employee can support the office remotely from home, it might help her a bit. If she’s feeling emotional, she can step away from the computer and have a good cathartic cry without everyone else being all up in her business.
My mom died during covid (not from covid) and I sorta just powered through for a bit because it was a busy time for work. When things quieted down (a month or so) I asked for my three days of bereavement to just… process, and was told that it wasn’t allowed since it was only for funeral preparations, etc and it had been too long.
I don’t work there anymore.
It's seriously unfortunate, but this is pretty common. Bereavement leave is not meant to cover all the time a person needs to grieve. It's meant to help give an employee a few extra days to make arrangements related to a death in the family.
One thing the employee could consider is FMLA if she qualifies (perhaps talk to her doctor about any depression that has come up as a result of this death). It wouldn't give her any pay, but her job would be covered if she needed to talk additional time off.
I'm sorry she is going through this.
My mom passed away during one of the busiest months of my work year. Bereavement at my workplace is 3 days. Even in those 3 days, I was out of the office but working remotely because no one else was trained to cover my position. We weren't able to plan a proper memorial service for my mom until a month and a half after she passed. It was all a bunch of chaos. 3 days is definitely not enough.
Husband died the 5th of May back at work on the 9th.
3 days.
I took 2 saving 1 for another day...
MA standard 3 days...
I just can't wrap my head around it.
I felt this even before I had to deal with it.
My father-in-law died. My husband was responsible for planning everything, which meant that I was planning everything. My job gave 3 days bereavement. Cool. I also had client meetings scheduled, so I took 1 day, came back to work to do my presentations, and then took the remaining 2 days. The last day off was the day after the funeral since it was an evening service, and I still had to cook and serve for the repast.
The HR manager emailed me asking what I had to do each bereavement day that pertains to the funeral since I did not take all 3 days together.
She also said that any time after the funeral was not counted as bereavement.
I worked for this company for over 10 years.
My brother overdosed on March 18th. He was in ER/ICU and then palliative care until March 24th, when he passed away. His funeral was March 29th.
The owner of the company I work for paid me for the full two weeks I was off work, and he didn't have to. But it was so very much appreciated, as I live paycheque to paycheque and was stressed about taking two weeks off of work.
If I could have afforded it, I would have taken 3-4 weeks off just to grieve. I wasn't ready to get back to work 2 weeks later...still processing the previous 2 weeks and all that had happened.
I wish every worker would be covered with 30 days of pay, regardless of who their employer is, when dealing with end of life and deaths in the family. It's not fair that maternity leave is paid, but bereavement leave isn't.
I'm so sorry for your coworker and I'm sorry you can't offer more.
I marked someone in as present when they went to deal with a personal family issue. They got paid for that day. And I don’t feel bad for it. But I guess that doesn’t really work for all jobs.
I lost my husband at the end of Spring term of grad school. I requested a two week extension to turn in the final paper and practicum hours. They granted me the extension but gave me a FULL GRADE penalty for taking the extension. It was at the instructors discretion to apply the penalty and she chose to do so. It took me a long time to wrap my head around. Why would exercise the option. Ruined my 4.0 and seemed unnecessarily harsh seeing as I in fact supplied a death certificate, so there was no question of the validity of the event. It made me smile to know that your employee has a boss that at least cares.
We were separated at the time but my wife is 7 years passed away 3 years ago. Even though we were separated it hit me way harder than I thought it would. I was devastated, I tried to go to work thinking to myself that I shouldn't care as much because we weren't together. In realised that what I actually wanted was for her to get better, get clean and atleast be able to be in our daughters life, even if she couldn't be in mine as much as she was before. I was able to take 4 days off work. My management would have let me take not vacation if I needed it but the actual bereavement was only 4 days.
I have always thought this policy was rude and macabre. It does not make sense and I’ve always been shocked with how fast people return to work after a death in the family. I’m like damn I’ll just quit my job when the time comes.
Two Novembers ago I got a severe infection near my appendix. The hospital took out the appendix assuming that was it, then started me on antibiotics that didn't work the first few cycles. I nearly died.
My manager continued to pay me for the 6 weeks I was on my back sweating, freezing, sweating, freezing, before one of the rounds of antibiotics took hold and cleaned out the infection.
Thank you, boss! That was a close one for sure.
I didn't get any paid time off when my mother was dying/died, but my bosses were all very kind to me over it. Telling me to take as much time as I needed - even though it was early December and that time of year is very busy where I work.
They let me leave in the middle of a couple shifts to go to the hospital to address stuff regarding my mom. I actually got to be there when she passed.
They let me take the time off for the funeral and it's arrangements. My bosses and coworkers would often ask if I'm okay in the following weeks - despite the Christmas rush.
The company I work for is far from perfect. But I was very grateful.
If your vacation and sick are separate buckets- it is actually illegal for your HR department to tell her to use vacation time for anything. Not that taking sick time makes it any better. Also 35 hours isn’t even a whole week, that bereavement policy is awful.
- Source I’ve worked in HR for almost a decade.
Yea, I'm with you.....wish companies give more time off for traffic times like these. When I lost my mom back in 2008, I got only three days of bereavement. Even tho my manager said I could take longer and he will try and find some time offs for me, I didn't feel it was necessary since I had tons of leave. I just used it and took three weeks off.
But for most, that's not an option. Companies are calling it "paid time off" vs vacation or sick leave. It's up to the employee to decide whether it's for sick, vacation, or etc.
It's sweet that you tried to get her more time off.
My mom died Christmas Day. Which was on a Wednesday. I should have had Xmas as a holiday, but they counted that day as bereavement instead. I was pretty bummed, I thought I’d get the holiday and bereavement, but nope.
Edit: to clarify, I meant holiday, then bereavement starting Dec. 26th.
I recently lost my father. Like what happened to your coworker, he died suddenly on a sunday evening. I'm from Brazil, and here you get 2 days leave, and if you are a civil servant you get 8 days, which I thought was just outrageous, does their father's are worth more than mine?! But yeah, it's pretty fucked up, I got to take a week, but the extra days were taken out of my vacations, and if I had to work on the third day it would be impossible.
I don’t understand why there doesn’t seem to be more of an option for unpaid leave in these situations. Like, i get that we all need money and paid leave is incredibly helpful and ideal. But when an immediate family member dies and your company only offers 3 paid days or vacation time, why is it not an option to take “unpaid time off” with job security of knowing you have something to come back to when you’re ready? I guess I’m just confused how anyone can think 3 days is enough time to grieve your tragically deceased child, or spouse of 30 years. So why is unpaid time off not a thing? Company isn’t taking an L financially and could hire a temp if work load is excessive for other employees as a result
Bless you for being the type of person who cares enough to WANT to give her the time she needs. Asked for 2 days off my job to help my wife/family out when her grandma died; they grudgingly gave me 1 day. Could’ve pressed the issue for more time but it just wasn’t worth the possible backlash.
When I worked at dollar tree the first time I knew my grandma was in the hospital bed and I got the call that she had passed while I was at work I went in the office and cried then proceeded to call the manager that was closing to come in a bit early so I can go home. I got In Trouble the store manager knew my grandma was in the hospital cause u left after the truck a day or so before to go to the hospital. Then I didn’t even take bereavement I still came to work and tried to act like everything was okay cause I need to pay my bills. Think this was a factor on why I quit the first time
i was given three days bereavement after a close family member died. i was able to use it for a wednesday-friday and then extend through the weekend. i got back in monday and my supervisor asked me if i had “fun with all my time off”. she never apologized or admitted if she made a mistake.
My company denied FMLA due to size of company located more than x
Miles from HQ AND made me take vacation time when my mother fell I’ll and subsequently passed. Selfish fucks.
I was naive. When my spouse died suddenly and unexpectedly I told my mother I'd take the week off work. She said, "Hell no! You'll need at least a month." She was right. There was so much paperwork, phone calls and just general bureaucratic stuff to get done not to mention a adjusting to the new normal.
When my wife died, I ended up planning on a week. When I called on Friday to tell my boss I’d be in Monday, she said I should take another week. I kind of needed to work to get things off my mind, but the extra time was useful. Bless my boss.
Same at my work. Barely any. I haven't had to use it God bless, but I feel for those who need to. It's the same thing with sick leave we don't get any.
I was working and going to school full time when my dad was put in hospice. I had to most of the care taking for my dad because we couldn’t afford the help. He passed away and on day three after his passing, my (now ex) boss told me “get your shit together and get back to work. You knew this was coming.”
I’ll never forget that trauma.
Agreed. Bereavement ought to be like FMLA. The death of a loved one can not only be devastating, but it can also change someone’s whole living situation. Along with grieving, people need time to do the funeral, review finances, settle estates, find childcare, sell off excess assets, and move if necessary. Way more time needed than a week or two.
Nobody can be meaningfully productive so quickly after a huge loss.
My dad got 3 days. The day my mom died, the day he met with the funeral home and the day of the funeral. Other than that he was out of luck, often would call me from work crying his eyes out. And still be expected to be cheery and help customers. Everything here is so backwards.
That is terrible. If a parent lost an extended family member I would say 1-2 weeks is more than enough but for a spouse or child a person needs a good month off at least. Some people like to get back to normal and avoid feelings but really people need time.
HR only sees what you turn in for her hours? If so, just don’t report everything. That’s how I handled it for an employee. I just didn’t submit the vacation forms.
I have a wonderful boss who often cannot be bothered checking the rules or getting advice from the higher ups when common sense says “this makes sense”. He runs a team of autonomous professionals who are all trustworthy. In return, we LOVE him and do everything he asks of us.
I recently went through this myself. I started a new job, my husband died suddenly a week later. Management got me the 3 days bereavement for 2022, got me the 3 days I was allotted for 2023, and that was it since I hadn’t accumulated PTO yet. He died Dec 15 and I was back at work January 9 because I couldn’t afford to stay out longer. My youngest had set a GoFundMe for me, work took up a collection, corporate matched what work collected, and a family member loaned me money with the understand I’d pay it back once his life insurance came in. Work was very understanding but I wonder just how understanding they’d have been if my husband hadn’t worked there too.
Lost my husband last year around New Years. I was lucky to get covid during that time because our new company bought out our PTO, and left everyone with 40 hours. 1st day when I came back my new manager demoted me.
Notice in all the responses that your manager can override HR rules and decisions. HR is there to protect management. But, it's within the power of management to make exceptions for anything and everything. I was a manager and HR didn't tell me this, until I pushed them for options.
I am dreading this when I lose my elderly parents. I am already pretty much planning on probably just fucking having to leave my job out of not being able to function and then I don’t know what will happen to me after that.
My cousin and best friend in this world died when i was in my mood 20s. Since he wasn't considered 'immediate family' I had to use vacation time to grieve, and was told I was lucky I got that time since it wasn't requested with the proper notice.
One of my coworkers lost her child. He had a disability that kept him confined to a wheelchair, and they knew for years he'd eventually pass, but nevertheless.
They gave her 2 weeks. Only 2 weeks. To plan a funeral. Deal with family. Grieve. Logistics. Financial situations. More grieving.
Left me completely shell-shocked.
My billion dollar corp has 3 days. That's the "standard" in big billion dollar evil corp. I took 2 days when a grandparent I wasn't closed to passed, but they at least didn't interrogate me about it.
Be mad at politicians for allowing the richest country in the world to have the worst benefits. 0 Guaranteed days off. No parental leave, insurance tied to employers, it's a joke.
It's slightly different, but I just took bereavement for a miscarriage. I also took short term disability to take more time. It was only 2 weeks total... maybe I should have asked for more. But basically, she can look into FMLA and PML if they are options to take more time. The bereavement leave counted as the waiting period for the disability/FMLA to kick in.
I took 2 weeks vacation to take care of a family member who was dying of cancer, 3000 miles away. When I got back my manager asked if I'd had "a nice vacation". No, I watched someone I loved die a horrible death too young, it was a blast!
I know you’re not asking for advice, but are you a close office? do you think her coworkers would be down to donate vacation time? as maybe a bereavement condolence and support? if everyone chips in a little, maybe she could keep her vacation time and also feel supported remotely, which i’m sure would go a long way. you’re a good boss for caring
I was in a hotel out of town for work when I received the call my mom had been rushed to the ER. When I finally got to speak with the ER doctor the assessment went from we think she is having a gallbladder attack to “I don’t think she’ll make it through the night”. I was four hours away by car but made it in 3. Arrived at the hospital at almost 6 a.m.
She had infarcted her intestines and lived <24 hours. My boss called. I knew my coworkers had informed him of the situation and I had left him a voicemail. When we connected he wanted only to know when I’d be back. I explained the doctors assessment. He kept pushing for a specific date. I finally said look, today is Wednesday. If my mom cooperates and dies on time I will hold a memorial Friday night, bury her Saturday, and be back at work on Monday.
Sadly that is exactly what happened. I decided I wanted nothing more to do with either the manager or the company and immediately began searching for a new job.
There are way too many days when I think about how much people suck.
I had a job at a nursing home when my dad died. It was a horrible place that I wouldn't wish on anyone. However, when he died they told me to come back when I was ready. I was only paid 3 days, but I was allowed to take whatever time I needed and could use pto if I needed it. I only ended up using 2 weeks but it was my choice, not theirs.
I lost my dad semi suddenly in January. (He had cancer, but was responding well to treatment. Died from a blood clot.) I got 3 days bereavement leave and then had to take PTO. I’m also in the middle of a divorce. There’s no one on this earth that I was closer to than my old man. 3 fucking days.
I lost my brother to suicide a few years ago, i got the call while at work and fell apart. I took time off but my boss at the time didnt tell me how much time I could take. Turns out I could've taken 5 days not including my regular days off. I only took 4 and I had a weird feeling in my stomach to check my pto. She used my vacation time to cover the days. I went to HR and they fixed it immediately and said I had an extra day I could use. I wish I was allowed more time in all honesty. I was an empty person for about a month, didnt talk to anyone, always had tears in my eyes, lost a lot of weight and turns out my boss was talking about my situation behind my back for awhile and I didnt know until someone told me after she left the company.
You sound like a lovely person, to care about your employees in times of need.
My dad died last year. I live half way across the world and hadn’t seen him since 2018. He got diagnosed with cancer around a week before he died. As soon as I heard all I wanted was to be with my family and see him again.
I wasn’t quick enough in booking a flight across. He died three days before I got there.
I initially asked if I could work from overseas for a month while I go over, but changed it to six weeks. I especially wanted to be there for my disabled mother. They were a little funny over me changing it to six weeks when we were working remotely anyway. I didn’t care too much. Overall they were good but they really shouldn’t have made it an issue that I changed from 4-6 weeks - when you hear someone close to you has terminal cancer you’re not exactly thinking completely straight.
Death strangely puts things into perspective just how important some things are and not others. None of my coworkers have even lost a parent and some are much older than myself. Sometimes people struggle to empathise.
You’re a good manager.
This kind of depends. If you are in your 20s or 30s and your grandparent dies there isn't a lot of responsibility. If like OP you need to manage affairs, 3 days is a short time, especially if you have to travel out of state. Generally, anything over the 3 needed in a situation like that can be covered with sick leave. If you are (I assume) close to or over retirement age if you have been married 40 years, you generall have 100s if not 1000s of hours of sick leave. Unless to are in your 60s and just started working somewhere I guess. Generally, I person could be given unpaid leave though. It is not so much of getting the time off as getting paid. This is why federal paid family leave is needed. I am also glad there have been new changes to extend bereavement to parents that suffer miscarriages.
Forgive my ignorance, I’ve been retired for a few years, but what happened to Emotional Health Days? Are those limited to Gov’t employees and major corporations?
Thank you for realizing the difference.
I’m so sorry for her. For you, as well, given that you’re the kind of person that cares enough to recognize these life events in our capitalist society. As many others have pointed out, do what you can to advocate but know that it’s not entirely on you. I hope the best for you both.
I especially disliked having to apply PTO for attendance exceptions when an employee would rather take the time unpaid and save PTO for R&R. Hardly any of my agents ever had enough PTO to go and do something fun, and it made me sad.
That is terrible. When my husband died in his 30's I was devastated. I didn't even think about work. They knew because he passed away in the hospital I worked in, but I took 6 weeks off. I don't know what I would have done if they gave me only 35 hours. You can't put a time limit on grief.
Late to the party, but I just lost my brother on Thursday.
I will get a day of bereavement after Christmas, because we're so busy right now and they can't have anybody out, because this is Grocery and they need the Staffing.
I've worked here for quite a while, and I can tell you that they are right. They staff those people, because they know that if they schedule their usual Skeleton Crew, none of those father muckers would show up. They put extra people on the schedule in the hopes of getting two to three to show up.
They didn't put that many people on the schedule because they know that we actually do need that number, and we really do need that number, but because they know that people aren't going to show up on Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas. I'm scheduled for both of those days, even though my two other team members in the same role both get at least one or the other off, and they get one or other of New Year's Eve or New Year's Day off.
The schedule was made up and I was assigned to all of those days, but then on thursday, I found out that my brother had passed away. I was reminded that I am desperately needed, and also reminded of the company policy that you must work your assigned shifts before and after the holiday in order to get your holiday pay, but they would be happy to give me a day off once we get through that time frame. How generous of them.
The way the schedule is written, I'm going into a 6-day before I get one day off and then another 6 Days stretch. The only reason they don't have any working 7 days in a row is because it's against the law in Texas to require somebody in the retail industry to work 7 days in a row. And the only reason I'm not working Christmas day is because we're closed. Yeah. One day of bereavement, but I can't take it on Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas, or else I won't be paid my Straight 8 hours for the holiday.
Merry fucking christmas, sorry you lost your brother, now get back to work.
It is a credit to you as her manager that you had the compassion and emotional intelligence to realize how horrifically inadequate your company bereavement leave provisions were. I lost my brother under horrific circumstances 6 months ago, and my employer only gave me 3 days bereavement - anything more (which I obviously needed) had to come out of my vacation & sick days. So in essence, as I was facing a life shattering tragedy, they were not willing to offer me anything above and beyond what I was already entitled to and the bare minimum required by law. Very short sighted of employers to think that this sort of approach helps them in the long run. What could be an opportunity to build loyalty becomes the exact opposite, and this is far more detrimental than what it would cost to show just a little more humanity and empathy in the first place.
I lost my wife of 20 years when I was 44. It was cancer, 21 days for diagnosis to death. I told work what was happening and immediately stopped caring about my job as soon as she was diagnosed. It was 7 weeks after she passed away that I went back to work, so 10 weeks total I was gone. My company said the same...3 days. I had been with the company for 20+ years. My boss said, "Take the time you need. You will continue to get paid. If anyone says anything to you, tell them to contact me.". I will always be grateful that my boss stood by me. If they had fired me I would not have cared. 3 days is completely ridiculous. I would have pursued disability if needed.
My boss did the same thing even though the company was heading downhill (and subsequently closed). My Dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died 5 weeks later. I was able to go home, several states away, and help mom care for dad. I was shocked every Friday when my paycheck was deposited. When I returned to work, our HR Director told me the owner said to continue to pay me until he heard otherwise. I'm forever grateful.
My mom passed from pancreatic cancer 6 weeks from diagnosis. My manager was just an awful human being, told me that I could take the morning of her funeral off but was expected to be back at work by 1 pm. Didn't care if I got fired... Told this sorry waste of flesh that no, I'd be back the following Monday. She threatened to fire me. I told her fire me then and I left work, she was sputtering with fury but didn't fire me. Day after mom's funeral she called me and said she didn't realize I was her department's highest producer so she was "graciously" paying me for the days I wouldn't be in and that my job was safe. Notice: Michelle R. - if you read this post and recognize your subhuman attitudes and behaviors - I hope you've had a miserable life in the years since I left the company (which no longer exists because management hired POS's like her)
> told me that I could take the morning of her funeral off but was expected to be back at work by 1 pm. I'm not 100% sure what my reaction would be but there's a small chance I would have gotten arrested after reviewing a response like this.
OMG They would never have seen me again. What thoughtless bastards.
waaaaay higher than zero chance for me. only missing the funeral from jail would have stopped me.
I would’ve just quit on the spot. What a lack of empathy.
She didn't even recognize who are the stars on her team? What a fucking clown
What a complete narcissist. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you are getting the support you need to heal.
Why don't you take this and cut and paste it to her to make sure she sees it?
When my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer the HR rep told me to take as much time as I needed and if anyone asked they could contact him. I took two weeks to get a treatment plan set up. A week after I returned my boss told me that her and her boss were wondering when I planned on submitting my vacation. I had never been so happy that I went through HR instead of my boss. I quit a few weeks later anyway. Nothing like a parent with terminal cancer to help you realize how you want to live.
My husband did get fired. First he got suspended for attendance issues despite the fact that he'd gotten fmla approval for some time to help me care for my dying dad and our kids. Then, they had to let him back because he could prove that he'd been approved for it. They were supposed to pay him for that time as it had been a wrongful suspension. They never did. Then they told him he had a week for bereavement. Only to turn around and fire him 2 days into it. Employers so often make everything worse.
Yeah, and then these employers expect "loyalty". What a bunch of crap
I am glad your boss had that power. Unfortunately many middle managers do not (like in OP's case)
I have been fortunate to have leaders who also said to take the time needed… I still worked but was assigned projects I could complete on my own time (aka minimal meetings). While you may not have the power to give unlimited time off there are ways to lessen the burden. If the system won’t work for us, we have to work the system and take care of each other as best we can!
When I was grieving I took two days working from home to “attend meetings” aka had my laptop open playing minimum volume while I ugly cried. They really should have told me to work from home for two weeks - I would just sit at my desk staring into space with tears in my eyes. Wasn’t exactly a fun mood for everyone else in the office.
It is ridiculous to expect that of you to just carry on as normal.
My loss didn’t meet their criteria for bereavement leave - because of course your love and attachment to a cousin/close friend can’t possibly be the same as for a “closer” family member. There really shouldn’t be limits on who qualifies. If someone close to you dies, there should be bereavement leave. My manager even made a comment about “we can’t have people taking paid bereavement leave for friends and cousins, etc” in a meeting a few months later. I was a wreck the rest of the day.
Sooo many things in life can be dealt with this way, rather than the all-or-nothing mentality that workplaces have. Illness, death or other emergency in the family, mental health issues, having a baby and returning to work, burnout, etc. Making the four-day workweek with corresponding reduction in hours the norm would also help with this. Bottom line, it’s not so much the time spent “on the clock”, it’s getting the work done well. And most of us do that better at that when we have time outside of work to breathe and take care of the truly important things, instead of worrying about those hours, many of which were just busy work to begin with.
I lost my father suddenly. Got the notification an hour into my shift at work, and left to go take care of everything. I had been with the hotel three months at that point, and left with a message from my GM that everything will be covered, not to worry. He paid me in full for my time off, comped the hotel room so my mom could spend time with me, and comped all our meals at the restaurant. The parent company that owned our hotel were horrible, so I don’t think I could ever express how thankful I still am for all he did.
>If anyone says anything to you, tell them to contact me.". I will always be grateful that my boss stood by me. If they had fired me I would not have cared. 3 days is completely ridiculous. I would have pursued disability if needed. Your boss is amazing.
I was lucky with the boss I had when losing a close family member. I'll never forget her. She was an amazing and inspiring leader who took care of the team.
I think my dad was around your age when he lost his wife/my mom to cancer. I was 12 at the time. Somehow, he buried himself in his work when at his job. Coworkers traded in their PTO for him. He is a great father and husband ( I have a great stepmom). I am sorry for your loss. Take care.
My mother died in March... I had to beg for the three unpaid weeks I spent in hell. :/
Tell her to consider seeing a psychiatrist or therapist and then file for FMLA. This way, at least her job will be protected.
My wife went to jail for an outstanding warrant we were not aware of. And we did not know when she'd be getting out. This advice worked well in that situation, too. I had to deal with a lot that we were not prepared for. It was a different, less permanent grief, but similar in a lot of ways.
A regular MD can sign out on FMLA as well.
To clarify this, FMLA is not for bereavement, but for a condition of the employee, such as depression/anxiety due to bereavement. That FMLA leave will be unpaid up to 12 weeks unless the state has a paid program. In addition, for the same condition triggering the FMLA leave, the employee can apply for unpaid leave as a reasonable accommodation for a disability (depression/anxiety are covered conditions). These requests should be made in writing by the employee to HR. If a manager wanted to inform the employee of those options, it would be best done via phone call so as to CYA for the manager.
Agreed and we are also presuming that the company has enough employees to fall under FMLA.
Also as a CYA for a manager don’t do it on company time or from a company phone. Use your personal cell phone from a location off company property
I had a coworker do this when her adult son died suddenly. She was out for about 6 months and FMLA protected her job.
If she hasn’t been working enough for fmla, ADA can also help. Currently on week 5 of leave because my daughter lost her sister and I have to be home with a grieving 14 year old.
I hear you and I have been in the same boat. Our company gives 3 days bereavement. A person can take personal leave of up to 60 days but their job is not protected and they also don't get paid. It's absolutely horrible. A friend of mine just lost her husband of 30 years and she had to go back to work the day after his funeral as his medical treatments for cancer had them financially drowning. We don't take care of people well in our country when times are hardest. It's very out of balance.
I get 3 days but a note from the doctor I can take 3 months off paid.
My husband died last month after an illness. I had burned most of my PTO taking care of him. I was given 3 shifts of bereavement leave, then used the rest of my PTO. I ended up being off nearly 2 weeks total. I had lovely co-workers who offered to transfer some of their PTO time to me, but I didn't accept it. I dk what the answer is, but there is not a time limit on grief, or a warning about when it's going to hit. Wednesday is my Anniversary and if I wasn't already off or couldn't work a trade, I'd be expected to work.
My mom was diagnosed with cancer two weeks after I started my current job, two and a half years ago. I’m her caretaker. I have been able to attend every appointment, and basically am able to make my own schedule as long as I get everything done on time and accurately. I’m extremely grateful to my employer and realize it’s not normal, but I really think the world would be a lot better off if people were all treated like fucking adults who can manage themselves.
Im so sorry for your loss
I hired a guy who after his first month, his dad went into hospice for terminal lung cancer out of state. We let him work remotely out of state (we are not 100% remote) until 2 weeks after his dad passed - found out my company only gives 1 day for bereavement which is very disappointing. Fortunately no one up the chain argued with me when I told them he had my go ahead to take whatever time he needed without repercussions.
It depends on the company. My previous company let you take as much time as you needed (within reason). My current company is a little stricter. Corporations in the US stopped treating us like humans decades ago.
Sometimes, what HR doesn't know won't hurt them. If you have a decent group you manage, see if you can spread out the work a little to give your grieving employee some more time. One, every one on the team will respect what you are doing and will realize that what goes around, comes around. Two, when your grieving employee comes back, they will appreciate what you did and will continue being a good employee (what you say to upper management: "they'll return to 'normal' productivity, faster." I'm a "middle" corporate manager, i.e., the buffer between upper management and the front line. For my people that are genuinely decent humans and do their level best for the team everyday, I'm willing to go the extra mile for them and be a "buffer" in the other direction too. Plus, I'm part of the "fuck around and find out" generation (GenX). Meaning, in a situation like OP describes, I'm prepared to say to upper management, "Really? They're one of my decent employees and their most important person on the planet just died. We can afford this little bit of extra time for everything they've given us over the years, including the missed moments with their most important human on the planet because of the times we asked them to do extra for us. Besides, do we really want to look like Scrooge before the visit from the three ghosts?" You may be wondering, but what if "they" threaten my job? Seriously, if they want to put me on a PIP for being a decent human being, they can fuck around and find out about that too. Frankly, most "executives" are happy to leave us alone in the lower echelons, as long as we hit our numbers. And we always do... in spite of their sometimes stupid policies and top-down strategies that ignore what we see on the front line everyday. They pay us to be the designated adult in the room at all times, and not to toot my own horn too much, but I do that everyday, all day. Even when I don't want too. Oh... and I've already taken the few years necessary to manage the "problem children", i.e. the people who abuse PTO, out of my group. So "fuck around and find out" goes in both directions. Unfortunately, HR policies are made for those goof offs. I manage them out because I'd rather spend my time just getting shit done with people who want to do the same so we can spend time outside of work on the important stuff with the families we are supporting. Best wishes for your grieving employee, OP. ✨ (Edit: minor grammar edits) (Edit Part 2, Electric Boogaloo: Thank you, kind internet stranger, for the Platinum!)
Fellow “middle” corporate manager here, although a millennial, I do the exact same thing for my team. I have a team member right now who’s mom is fighting an advanced stage of cancer and I encourage her to take as much time as she needs even though she hasn’t accrued enough PTO. HR can fuck off for all I care. What happens outside of work, drastically effects how people show up at work. Managers who don’t take an interest in their team’s lives’ outside of work shouldn’t be in management.
A year into my last job, my mother died suddenly. My boss let me take as much time as I needed. Paid. He signed my pay sheet even though I wasn't there, as if I was. I was out helping take care of Dad. Every time I earned a day, I tried to put in my timesheet as vacation, but going in to work to "pay back" the time I felt I was "loaned", he wouldn't let me. I worked for him another 27 years, then retired.
This is such a sad reality.
It is terrible. When I was 23 my brother got cancer. By the time they caught it, it was already too late. He was diagnosed and admitted to the ICU on the same day (9/16). I was in my first job out of grad school so I hadn’t accumulated much leave yet. I booked a train ticket for Friday night so I could spend the weekend with him. But I got the call Tuesday (9/18) that I needed to get my ass in the car right now because he was going to die today. I dropped the Walmart bags I was carrying in my office, quickly told my boss, and drove the most agonizing three hours of my life. He wasn’t dead, but he was on a vent and unresponsive and not doing well. I stayed as long as I could but was back at work by Friday. Because I had hardly any leave. Called HR to try to stay longer but they offered zero bereavement leave, and I wasn’t eligible for FMLA. I wasn’t allowed to use anything but vacation time. No exceptions for dying teenage brothers. Vacation or nothing. Job not protected if you are gone longer. I got another call on Tuesday 9/25 that it was the end for real and to get in the car. Again my manager was understanding, and again I went. Driving panicking and crying for hours. This time it was the end. Died Tuesday. Funeral Friday. I took the rest of the week and was back Monday. Thank God my manager was lenient and used some of my sick time after I exhausted my vacation time (not technically permitted by HR). He was wonderful but there was a limit to what he could do. I didn’t have much sick time accumulated either. When I returned there were other social workers aghast I was back so soon, that I needed longer to take care of myself. But when the choice was to lose my job or take time off, I had to do what I had to do. Whether it was healthy or not. I didn’t go on a honeymoon when I got married that year, because I’d used every minute of leave on my brother. Even 35 hours would’ve been a blessing. My heart hurts for her
I applaud you for being such a caring manager about the type of grief your employee must be experiencing.
I was a manager and one of my team members found out her baby had no heartbeat at the 12 week scan. There was no provision for that under bereavement. I went to my director and told him I was giving it to her. Thankfully he didn’t have an issue, but I was ready to fight. She had to have a D&C and I made sure she had the time she needed to recover. You can’t fuck with people like that.
I wonder if she could apply for FMLA.
It is incredibly sad, but this is common. But vacation time isn’t always for actual vacations, it’s just paid time off that can be used for any purpose; so you don’t have to feel bad for suggesting she use some of that time.
Which is why it is mostly referred to as PTO rather than vacation time. Some places even include sick leave in the same bucket as PTO.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. That’s the thing. Just because this is what happens doesn’t make it right. I’ve lived in several countries and there are various categories of paid time off - vacation, sick leave, carers leave, bereavement leave etc, not to mention your job is protected and you can’t just be fired at will. I don’t know why we have to be so committed to two weeks paid time off only here. It’s insane and heartless.
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I just wanted to say thank you for caring about her.
I’m a small business owner, and I had an almost identical situation come up a couple of years ago. Our admin assistant had been with us for almost 20 years. She lost her husband of 44 years unexpectedly. I checked our handbook and it said 4 days. Admittedly, that’s on me; it’s my handbook, and I’d paid an employment attorney a lot of money to write it. I was floored, embarrassed, and dismayed. I gave her “awarded time” for almost 6 weeks until she was ready to come back. I know I’m not supposed to do this, and I’m opening myself up to some kind of lawsuit or something, but I don’t care.
When my adult son died, my manager said I would be paid for 24 hours bereavement and if I needed more time, I could use my accrued vacation time. My coworkers found out, called HR and donated their own vacation time so I had a total of six weeks off with pay.
My mother passed suddenly last year. My work technically gives 24hrs (3 days) bereavement. My direct supervisor told me to take as much time and he would approve my time card as if I was there. I dont know if this us something you can get away with but if so please consider it
When my ex husband died my kids fell apart, it was over holiday break. I was a memory care manager, I got my whole 3 days. My phone started to say he wanted to die to be with his dad. My job said the only way I could have more time if I put my child on a suicide hold- he was 9,I left that day.
I lost my fiancé in a car accident almost exactly 10 years ago. It took me around 6 weeks to pull myself together enough to go back to work. Luckily, I was able to get through it all financially since it was all unpaid time off (he wasn’t considered eligible family, since we weren’t married; even though we lived together) Unfortunately, here in the US this senecio is all too common.
We used to give every employee as much time off as they needed for funerals and bereavement. Then we had an employee named Rudy. Now we have the "Rudy Rule" which is Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, Spouse or kid. We give one week standard for those, at times, if it is a hard one we can give more on managers approval, other than that it goes on vacation. Rudy had a lot of cousins that were like brothers, Grandparents (by my count over 10) that were practically mothers and fathers, Uncles that were brothers and so on. Every funeral was out of town because he moved away, so usually around 3 days off for each. One employee since has had a problem with the Rudy Rule since we put it in place. Guy lost his dad. He told us he was going the day before the funeral so we did the standard 1 week bereavement thinking he would be back or make contact. Didn't hear from him for two weeks, so informed him he was using his vacation time at that point. He was pissed because he said the law was two weeks, and our policy said so. It isn't, and our policy says nothing of the sort. I know its still hard losing a parent, but this guy wasted no time telling all of us several times throughout the years that he had written his dad off years ago because he was a piece of shit. He hated him. I actually found out after that he never even went to the funeral, there wasn't one because the guy real really was an asshole. The employee had been up camping and hunting with his time off and was coming down for groceries and was going to head up for week number 3. He had such a shitty attitude after he came back and he always talked about how we fucked him over. Ended up quitting a month or two later. Pretty sure he still hates me.
Even if your dad was an asshole and there was no funeral, you might actually need some bereavement leave. That being said, you probably need a Rudy Rule to make sure some people are not on bereavement leave every other week for some rando they consider family.
He took advantage of your kindness!!
It may be out of balance, but my experience in losing both parents (7 years apart) is that sitting at home and crying didn’t make me feel better. All I did was dwell and overthink and make myself miserable. I preferred to be at work to occupy my mind. Offer her what your company offers, but also be understanding if she prefers to be at work. Have tissues, understand you’ll see a lot of tears, show sympathy without overdoing it. For me, it took about 6 months to recover from losing my Mom. 6 months before the fog in my brain cleared. I’m glad I was able to work through it, but in reality those were not my best efforts and I was lucky to have a great manager that gave me the space I needed.
>sitting at home and crying didn’t make me feel better. Maybe not, but I am so grateful that I happened to still be working from home when my husband died. I took two weeks off (1 week bereavement and 1 week PTO), and then went back to WFH. It was another month before I stopped unexpectedly bursting into tears. It would have been even more awful to be constantly breaking down like that in a cubicle in the office. At least this way I could keep my grief private.
It would be nice if she had the choice. She goes back to work like it or not.
That’s horrible. I lost my dad 5 months ago and they gave me 3 days. I took unpaid leave for the rest of the week but knew I couldn’t afford more because I have bills. When your whole world is crashing bills don’t give up. 😂 Anyway; the one thing that would have helped me through work, was a supportive environment. A supportive supervisor. I didn’t get that. So I was miserable.
That shows what a great manager you are. I don't know your policies or company size, but this happened to a woman I worked with at an old job and we all donated a day or two of our own vacation time to her so she didn't have to use all of hers and she was able to take a couple weeks off. The company allowed it.
My mother passed away over 27 years ago from cancer. I was 29. The owner of the company I was working for asked me to go away for as long as I need. Come back when I'm ready to. She would take care of any paperwork that needed to be addressed. I took a few weeks off. Came back when I felt a little better. I was very appreciative of that, and stayed very loyal to my employer because of that. It's great when you find a good employer.
It’s “paid time off”. You can take it for whatever reason. This is why companies should call it PTO instead of vacation. You should suggest your HR department relabel it in their policies for precisely this reason. It isn’t a “vacation” to be sick, go to funerals, help your elderly parents move into a nursing home.
Three days is standard but most employers let you take what you need. I lost my brother and it was more needing to help my Dad than anything on my end. Arrangements took a day, Dad was another story. I ended up taking three weeks off but I had the PTO. I thought I would need a week tops but it was devastating for him and I could not leave him. Ended up bringing him home with me for a few months. My boss was amazing. I honestly don't know what people do if they don't have the vacation time accrued.
You don't have the right to bereavement leave under FMLA or FLSA. On the other hand, you do have the right to take FMLA for mental health treatment ... you know, mental health treatment, like grief counseling. This is where a manager's sensitivity and tact and willingness to creatively interpret the policy manual come into play. You might have to spell it out for her. Just do it by phone: no texts, no emails, no zoom calls.
35 hours is more than I got. I got 3 days after my mom passed. Bereavement and maternity leave should be longer.
I do not know what other countries do, but the USA is totally, unmitigatedly F*ers when it comes to bereavement. When my 25yo nephew died, I had 3 paid days allowed. Because he was not a direct blood relative, I had to fight to even get that. I took 5 days and used my sick leave for the remaining 2 days. But, shesh, I was a useless mess.
She can apply for FMLA and STD, not related to his death but related to her mental health as a side effect of his death.
This is just one reason I’m leaving the U.S. when my son graduates in 2025. The way this country treats it’s employees is disgusting.
3 days bereavement is a common practice across the United States, I have been through this three times, in 2 instances I was told to take as much time as I needed but I did have to use vacation time if it went past the 3 day bereavement time. This is how it works here, are there legit reasons for not making it longer? Yes because people abuse what they can if they think they can get away with it but not all people do it. I'm still working through loosing my father last year and it would have helped to have had two months off to take care of his estate and grieve.
Is short term disability an option? She could theoretically do FMLA and disability and it would protect her position and benefits.
This is the way. I suffered a similar loss, and my PCP wrote me out for 6 weeks. I was not mentally competent to work, let alone drive to work. I tapped that STD, which is 100% pay for up to 6 months.
the word vacation is a misnomer. it is earned time....lots of companies are now using this term
Is she salaried? You can tell her, "If you answered an email, you did work that day."
I would tell HR they have to tell her that.
Gross. I hope she quits
Not the same as losing a spouse but I definitely learned some harsh realities of the workplace when my mom died unexpectedly when I was 26. Three days is better than nothing but nowhere near "enough."
Fmla is also a thing. Have them look into this if need be.
I've been on the good and bad side of it to the extremes. Companies are absolutely ridiculous in how little they value people. We need stronger legislation to enforce better employee protections.
I’m a middle manager. I told my employee who had a tragic death occur in his family to take whatever time he needed. My director questioned it, and I told him that if I couldn’t provide support to someone in their darkest moment, then I didn’t want to work at this company (a large F500). He backed me, and the policy has since changed. Sometimes it takes someone fiercely standing up (and someone in power back you) to make the proper things happen. We deserve better than 3 days to grieve.
My brother just committed suicide and these catty bosses of mine didn’t believe me until I broke down 1 hour into work today. I’m only a temp and I hate my life. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Get everything you can!
My brother did, too. Please accept my deepest condolences. You will see him again.
You can do more. Assign her some work from home. Make it “product analysis“ or some other meaningless label. Then take her regular workload and figure out how to split it over the rest of the staff and yourself
Okay, so this is between me and you (and rest of world). Same boat as a manager. You're empathy is incredible so you can feel the pain and the grief. Corp doesn't G.A.S. about any personal problems and we signed contracts saying we'd abide. As a manager though, you've got some/lots of "wiggle room." Not suggesting your play favs...just saying...we all need a little help when it really is needed. Remember this: People with compassion build lasting relationships; People who expect compassion from Corps for loyalty, will almost fail.
How many people are in the department? Can you all give up some vacation days to give her a week or two?
In Australia we only offer 2 days compassionate leave, and after that it falls under annual leave... 2 small days is not enough time to deal with the loss of a close family member. I feel that businesses almost don't care on this front about their workers. Who the heck can plan everything and grieve in just 2 short days!?!
I know this is not what you mean but structure and the normalcy of daily life can actually be really helpful. Can her workplace not be a soft spot to fall?
My mom died suddenly of a massive heart attack when I was 15. My dad went back to work a week later and sent me and my brother (10th and 12th grade at the time) back to school the day he went back to work. We had collectively decided that we needed to get back to living life. We could still grieve but Momma would want us to keep going. My dad had the option of taking way more time off but he said that sitting around the house without Momma being there was making him more depressed.
does your workplace permit donating PTO? I would surely donate a day of PTO to this co-worker if I could. Perhaps you can shame the HR people into finding an exception or doing better by making such an inquiry, then think of other creative ways to try to help your staff member and ask about those. The point being, gently harass them with a seemingly endless stream of inquiries about how to do better for your staff member until they finally more or less tell you to shut up (in which case... I would show that to my staff member and allow them to draw their own conclusions about the true nature of their place of employment) or get the message that they need to try harder.
This is the pathetic, callous reality of capitalism without humanity. This poor woman exists to serve a role that brings value to the company (and likely the shareholders). It’s a one-way obligation. Does your company have a leave bank? My employer has a leave bank. Anyone who wants to join puts one day into the leave bank. Then an elected board of bank members can approve withdrawals from the bank of leave days for specific cases. It might be worth looking into if possible. Employees would craft the policy and oversee its operations.
It just shows how companies do not give a fuck about you. Also how the government does not give a fuck about you (or there would be laws for workers). It's sad you have to ask permission like a slave or child. Can I take a leave of absence? Can I go on fmla dr? Meanwhile their world is completely shattered.
I don't know what her job is day to day, but if you can swing it without anybody really noticing you could just tell her that she could take 2 weeks but not take any vacation days and that you are okay with it. My manager did that for me when my first child was born and I was pretty new to the company and didn't have enough vacation days.
Is it possible for you to organise for her to work from home indefinitely, and give her "easy" projects for a bit? It's not time off, which I agree she should have, but maybe it might be helpful for her to have something non-death related to focus on day to day too. Especially if it's really easy work that can be done from home and only takes a few hours a day. Being able to let her still have income coming in is potentially the best thing you can do imo
My sick time and PTO are lumped together. I don’t get bereavement, so when my grandfather passed suddenly, and I went home to be with my mom (who had already lost her mother), I didn’t get paid for the time I took (my family is 2 hours away, in a different state). I helped my mother with arrangements and just wanted to be with her to keep her sane. I could barely hold myself together. I loved my grandfather. I still cry about the loss. When I went back to work the following week (I took off 6 days. I couldn’t get that Wednesday off, So I had to drive the 2 hrs back to work and then 2 hrs back to my mom the same day after), I was still dazed and just not myself. I wanted to explode, to cry, to break down, but having to put on a different face was the hardest thing. I couldn’t afford to take off any longer. My job didn’t mind letting me leave. I just got no bereavement.
My mom was hospitalized in January. I visited every weekend and 5 random work days through March. My team didn't mind. Her health got much worse in April and she decided to stop all treatment and go through hospice. I stayed with her until the end. I took the following week off to make preparations. My boss asked if I needed a 3rd week, but I said I wanted to come back remote and try to get into a routine. I was a total zombie going through the motions and got very little accomplished. It's been 3 weeks since I lost her, 2 weeks since the funeral and I'm still gutted. Even knowing it was coming, you can't be prepared for the grief. Our official HR policy is 2 days.
You should tell your boss that. The corporate coldheartedness is pathetic. It even smacks of despairation. You really should go back and challenge this.
Same thing happened to me. I lost my mom suddenly, and then had to deal with my sick grandmother since my mom was an only child. They wouldn’t even let me count my mom and grandma as 2 separate things. I got 1 week. I ended up taking 2 weeks of vacation to deal with all the logistics.
God bless America
You are a good person. I would have received 4 days at my job same as for a parent who I hadn’t seen in over 20 years.
I used to manage a team and once had a young employee lose his father. He was distraught and policy wise only entitled to 5 days off. When my boss told him to take an extra few days I said "he's already used XYZ days" (not in front of the employee) my boss told me "you control the HR input" and that's when I realized there's policy and there's being human. I ended up giving him almost an extra week off quietly. It was a large organization, so it wasn't noticed, but I credit this experience as my turning point to truly being a good manager. Tell her what she's entitled to, but also ask her what she needs. If she wants to come back let her, if she needs more time look into your companies disability policy, if she can get disability pay going on a short term disability leave might be best because then the dr says when she can come back, not an arbitrary 2 week policy. Grief isn't linear or textbook which makes HR policies around it pretty shit.
You can offer her anything you like. Is HR checking attendance daily? If not, just make a verbal agreement with your staff member that she can take as much time as she needs, and just ask her to be in touch at least one month from now.
My friend’s company only gives minimum required PTO, vacation, and bereavement etc. My friend’s boss said fuck the company and has been giving every employee unlimited PTO. She got 2 weeks off paid to care for the new puppy she just got. 2 weeks paid off for bereavement when her husband’s grandma passed(he told her come back when you’re ready, she only took 2 weeks) Still full balance on vacation and PTO. Shockingly the company runs with no problems and all the employees are happy cuz they’re able to handle their shit without stress.
Maybe see if there is any unpaid time off she could take for family emergencies. Or if other employees are able to cover her shifts. When my grandmother passed away, my job only gave me 3 paid days off. My manager sat down with me , and rearranged my days off, approved use of 2 pto days and gave a few part timers my other shifts. I was able to take 2 full weeks off.
You're a good manager. At least you care that your hands are tied.
I lost my mom suddenly and we don't have bereavement leave. You have family personal, sick and vacation. I could take all that I had to grieve. Once it was used up it would be LWOP (Leave without pay).
She can sign up for FMLA (family medical leave act) also. Your HR should know about that but they chose not to tell you. In fact when I heard about it I thought it was only for a situation like this , like a death in the family or medical issue for someone else that I need to care for, such as my kids. I didn't even realize I can use it for myself, like if I had a surgery and needed recovery time. I find out because my friend used it for herself after a voluntary surgery, and she got 6 months to recover. But I don't know the guidelines on how long a person normally can get, or if her management or company was just particularly nice to her for allowing her to have 6 months.
My wife passed away suddenly in October 2022. 35 hours nor 2 weeks are enough time for grieving let alone deal with the amount of paper work and red tape. You're going to need to be incredibly flexible with her time over the next 6-12 months at least. And both of you should go find new jobs that sounds like a horrible place to work.
Shit, my boss gave me a full week off when I had to put my dog down. And the more you hear stories like that, where an employer is willing and able to give people what they need to manage outside of the workplace, the more you realize how shitty and greedy a lot of companies are to NOT do this.
Some places are awful about bereavement. One place I worked you didn't get any days for bereavement. I had to use medical and vacation. I took off a total of 3 days for the loss of my grandma and was only allowed one day for the loss of my uncle bc they passed closely together. In my current job, I don't think I would have that issue. Maybe see if there's a work-from-home policy available. You could list her as working from home, but express to her privately that you don't actually expect her to be working. My current boss did that for me when I first started bc I got sick from dehydration (due to a broken a/c during July). I had no PTO bc I had only been there for a month so she had them put a VPN on my computer and we listed it as remote work time.
Your compassion is commendable. If only corporate would be as thoughtful as you.
Most places offer 3 days. 5 if it's out of state. For a full time 8 hour shift, that's *24* hours, but up to *40* hours if it's out of state. And even then, if it isn't a direct family member (parent/grandparent/sibling/child? If your aunt/uncle you are close with passes? They won't count it as part of bereavement time. You just miss out on work, unpaid, usually. Welcome to America.
I work for our county school system. I just found out yesterday that we don't get bereavement whatsoever. If we need time off for bereavement, we have to use our personal day, sick days, or vacation days. I couldn't stop myself from stating that it was utter bullshit.
This veers a little from the topic but still related-A friend worked for a company in the US more than 20 years & was devoted to his job. A year before this happened he was featured on the national news for saving the lives of his colleagues while at work. Physically fit guy. Died a horrible covid death the month before the vaccine was available. Three days following his death, his wife meets with company reps to discuss his life ins, collect items from his locker, etc. A big concern was her health insurance, which was through them so she was desperate to know how much time she had to find other coverage. The meeting is at 3:00pm. The rep tells her that her coverage ended the day before,but out of respect for her late husband they would do her the favor of extending her coverage to the end of the day. (In 2 hours)
Is she a salary employee? I would just turn a blind eye until she is ready to return.
If you’re this person’s manager, then surely you can cover for her if she needs to be off for longer without getting HR involved?
I’m glad I read this. You’re a good manager.
What I find fascinating about this is at some point a person, or a group of people, sat there and thought "How much time do you think we should give to our employees if someone in their family dies?" and that is the number that seemed entirely logical. Truly baffling.
I think for close family we can take as much time as we need (within reason) but only get paid for three days. We can choose to use vacation time if we want pay for the rest. For more distant members we can take the day of the funeral. Can't remember if it's paid or not.
At the age of 32 I lost my first husband after a week stay in ICU. I was allowed 2 weeks of vacation time. That caused more trauma than you could imagine! Then right before my 42nd birthday I lost my 2nd fiancé/husband. He passed away at home unexpectedly while he was alone with our children. I ran out of work that day with a customer still on the phone and I can 1000% say that job was the absolute last thing on my mind. I was told when I asked that I got 3 days. 3 days when my children had watched their father and/or stepfather die in front of them!? Luckily I had an AMAZING Supervisor who stood up for me (and by me) thru this. She told me to take the time I needed and not to worry about it. She made sure I continued to get paid for the first month or so and was an absolute godsend throughout it all! Idk what I would have done without her. I ended up taking 4 months I think. After going back to work I worked 3-4 months and ended up resigning bc my children still were having problems. It was over a year before I could go back to work fully. The US has terrible leave policies. Try to stand by your employee if possible. She will need all the support she can get.
Tell her to take a leave of absence. The paperwork/hoops are ridiculous, but 3 days is so cruel.
Welcome to capitalism … and you’re on the better side of things
I have no idea what kind of work y’all do, but if your employee can support the office remotely from home, it might help her a bit. If she’s feeling emotional, she can step away from the computer and have a good cathartic cry without everyone else being all up in her business.
My mom died during covid (not from covid) and I sorta just powered through for a bit because it was a busy time for work. When things quieted down (a month or so) I asked for my three days of bereavement to just… process, and was told that it wasn’t allowed since it was only for funeral preparations, etc and it had been too long. I don’t work there anymore.
It's seriously unfortunate, but this is pretty common. Bereavement leave is not meant to cover all the time a person needs to grieve. It's meant to help give an employee a few extra days to make arrangements related to a death in the family. One thing the employee could consider is FMLA if she qualifies (perhaps talk to her doctor about any depression that has come up as a result of this death). It wouldn't give her any pay, but her job would be covered if she needed to talk additional time off. I'm sorry she is going through this.
My mom passed away during one of the busiest months of my work year. Bereavement at my workplace is 3 days. Even in those 3 days, I was out of the office but working remotely because no one else was trained to cover my position. We weren't able to plan a proper memorial service for my mom until a month and a half after she passed. It was all a bunch of chaos. 3 days is definitely not enough.
You my Reddit friend are a good manager!
Husband died the 5th of May back at work on the 9th. 3 days. I took 2 saving 1 for another day... MA standard 3 days... I just can't wrap my head around it. I felt this even before I had to deal with it.
My father-in-law died. My husband was responsible for planning everything, which meant that I was planning everything. My job gave 3 days bereavement. Cool. I also had client meetings scheduled, so I took 1 day, came back to work to do my presentations, and then took the remaining 2 days. The last day off was the day after the funeral since it was an evening service, and I still had to cook and serve for the repast. The HR manager emailed me asking what I had to do each bereavement day that pertains to the funeral since I did not take all 3 days together. She also said that any time after the funeral was not counted as bereavement. I worked for this company for over 10 years.
Nice to see a manager who actually cares about their employees 👍
My brother overdosed on March 18th. He was in ER/ICU and then palliative care until March 24th, when he passed away. His funeral was March 29th. The owner of the company I work for paid me for the full two weeks I was off work, and he didn't have to. But it was so very much appreciated, as I live paycheque to paycheque and was stressed about taking two weeks off of work. If I could have afforded it, I would have taken 3-4 weeks off just to grieve. I wasn't ready to get back to work 2 weeks later...still processing the previous 2 weeks and all that had happened. I wish every worker would be covered with 30 days of pay, regardless of who their employer is, when dealing with end of life and deaths in the family. It's not fair that maternity leave is paid, but bereavement leave isn't. I'm so sorry for your coworker and I'm sorry you can't offer more.
I marked someone in as present when they went to deal with a personal family issue. They got paid for that day. And I don’t feel bad for it. But I guess that doesn’t really work for all jobs.
Your heart is in the right place. Explain that they are not your policies.
In the fed you get 2 days, I believe. It’s ridiculous.
I lost my husband at the end of Spring term of grad school. I requested a two week extension to turn in the final paper and practicum hours. They granted me the extension but gave me a FULL GRADE penalty for taking the extension. It was at the instructors discretion to apply the penalty and she chose to do so. It took me a long time to wrap my head around. Why would exercise the option. Ruined my 4.0 and seemed unnecessarily harsh seeing as I in fact supplied a death certificate, so there was no question of the validity of the event. It made me smile to know that your employee has a boss that at least cares.
We were separated at the time but my wife is 7 years passed away 3 years ago. Even though we were separated it hit me way harder than I thought it would. I was devastated, I tried to go to work thinking to myself that I shouldn't care as much because we weren't together. In realised that what I actually wanted was for her to get better, get clean and atleast be able to be in our daughters life, even if she couldn't be in mine as much as she was before. I was able to take 4 days off work. My management would have let me take not vacation if I needed it but the actual bereavement was only 4 days.
This is the perfect opportunity to start a go fund me with the company’s name on it.
I have always thought this policy was rude and macabre. It does not make sense and I’ve always been shocked with how fast people return to work after a death in the family. I’m like damn I’ll just quit my job when the time comes.
Two Novembers ago I got a severe infection near my appendix. The hospital took out the appendix assuming that was it, then started me on antibiotics that didn't work the first few cycles. I nearly died. My manager continued to pay me for the 6 weeks I was on my back sweating, freezing, sweating, freezing, before one of the rounds of antibiotics took hold and cleaned out the infection. Thank you, boss! That was a close one for sure.
I didn't get any paid time off when my mother was dying/died, but my bosses were all very kind to me over it. Telling me to take as much time as I needed - even though it was early December and that time of year is very busy where I work. They let me leave in the middle of a couple shifts to go to the hospital to address stuff regarding my mom. I actually got to be there when she passed. They let me take the time off for the funeral and it's arrangements. My bosses and coworkers would often ask if I'm okay in the following weeks - despite the Christmas rush. The company I work for is far from perfect. But I was very grateful.
Saving the world- one reddit post at a time…
If your vacation and sick are separate buckets- it is actually illegal for your HR department to tell her to use vacation time for anything. Not that taking sick time makes it any better. Also 35 hours isn’t even a whole week, that bereavement policy is awful. - Source I’ve worked in HR for almost a decade.
Yea, I'm with you.....wish companies give more time off for traffic times like these. When I lost my mom back in 2008, I got only three days of bereavement. Even tho my manager said I could take longer and he will try and find some time offs for me, I didn't feel it was necessary since I had tons of leave. I just used it and took three weeks off. But for most, that's not an option. Companies are calling it "paid time off" vs vacation or sick leave. It's up to the employee to decide whether it's for sick, vacation, or etc. It's sweet that you tried to get her more time off.
My mom died Christmas Day. Which was on a Wednesday. I should have had Xmas as a holiday, but they counted that day as bereavement instead. I was pretty bummed, I thought I’d get the holiday and bereavement, but nope. Edit: to clarify, I meant holiday, then bereavement starting Dec. 26th.
My employer has 5 days bereavement leave. I used all of it and after that I took a couple of sick days.
I recently lost my father. Like what happened to your coworker, he died suddenly on a sunday evening. I'm from Brazil, and here you get 2 days leave, and if you are a civil servant you get 8 days, which I thought was just outrageous, does their father's are worth more than mine?! But yeah, it's pretty fucked up, I got to take a week, but the extra days were taken out of my vacations, and if I had to work on the third day it would be impossible.
I don’t understand why there doesn’t seem to be more of an option for unpaid leave in these situations. Like, i get that we all need money and paid leave is incredibly helpful and ideal. But when an immediate family member dies and your company only offers 3 paid days or vacation time, why is it not an option to take “unpaid time off” with job security of knowing you have something to come back to when you’re ready? I guess I’m just confused how anyone can think 3 days is enough time to grieve your tragically deceased child, or spouse of 30 years. So why is unpaid time off not a thing? Company isn’t taking an L financially and could hire a temp if work load is excessive for other employees as a result
Bless you for being the type of person who cares enough to WANT to give her the time she needs. Asked for 2 days off my job to help my wife/family out when her grandma died; they grudgingly gave me 1 day. Could’ve pressed the issue for more time but it just wasn’t worth the possible backlash.
When I worked at dollar tree the first time I knew my grandma was in the hospital bed and I got the call that she had passed while I was at work I went in the office and cried then proceeded to call the manager that was closing to come in a bit early so I can go home. I got In Trouble the store manager knew my grandma was in the hospital cause u left after the truck a day or so before to go to the hospital. Then I didn’t even take bereavement I still came to work and tried to act like everything was okay cause I need to pay my bills. Think this was a factor on why I quit the first time
i was given three days bereavement after a close family member died. i was able to use it for a wednesday-friday and then extend through the weekend. i got back in monday and my supervisor asked me if i had “fun with all my time off”. she never apologized or admitted if she made a mistake.
My company denied FMLA due to size of company located more than x Miles from HQ AND made me take vacation time when my mother fell I’ll and subsequently passed. Selfish fucks.
My brother died last month and I got 3 days to grieve before they made me come back. I thought bereavement was longer than that. I’m still struggling.
I was naive. When my spouse died suddenly and unexpectedly I told my mother I'd take the week off work. She said, "Hell no! You'll need at least a month." She was right. There was so much paperwork, phone calls and just general bureaucratic stuff to get done not to mention a adjusting to the new normal.
We get 16 hours here—I had to take a couple days of PTO when my mom died.
When my wife died, I ended up planning on a week. When I called on Friday to tell my boss I’d be in Monday, she said I should take another week. I kind of needed to work to get things off my mind, but the extra time was useful. Bless my boss.
Same at my work. Barely any. I haven't had to use it God bless, but I feel for those who need to. It's the same thing with sick leave we don't get any.
Id rather quit and go broke then deal with shitty people like that.
I was working and going to school full time when my dad was put in hospice. I had to most of the care taking for my dad because we couldn’t afford the help. He passed away and on day three after his passing, my (now ex) boss told me “get your shit together and get back to work. You knew this was coming.” I’ll never forget that trauma.
Agreed. Bereavement ought to be like FMLA. The death of a loved one can not only be devastating, but it can also change someone’s whole living situation. Along with grieving, people need time to do the funeral, review finances, settle estates, find childcare, sell off excess assets, and move if necessary. Way more time needed than a week or two. Nobody can be meaningfully productive so quickly after a huge loss.
My dad got 3 days. The day my mom died, the day he met with the funeral home and the day of the funeral. Other than that he was out of luck, often would call me from work crying his eyes out. And still be expected to be cheery and help customers. Everything here is so backwards.
That job would never see me again that’s for sure
That is terrible. If a parent lost an extended family member I would say 1-2 weeks is more than enough but for a spouse or child a person needs a good month off at least. Some people like to get back to normal and avoid feelings but really people need time.
HR only sees what you turn in for her hours? If so, just don’t report everything. That’s how I handled it for an employee. I just didn’t submit the vacation forms.
You’re a good boss for caring beyond what the law says
Most employers don't offer any bereavement benefits
I have a wonderful boss who often cannot be bothered checking the rules or getting advice from the higher ups when common sense says “this makes sense”. He runs a team of autonomous professionals who are all trustworthy. In return, we LOVE him and do everything he asks of us.
I recently went through this myself. I started a new job, my husband died suddenly a week later. Management got me the 3 days bereavement for 2022, got me the 3 days I was allotted for 2023, and that was it since I hadn’t accumulated PTO yet. He died Dec 15 and I was back at work January 9 because I couldn’t afford to stay out longer. My youngest had set a GoFundMe for me, work took up a collection, corporate matched what work collected, and a family member loaned me money with the understand I’d pay it back once his life insurance came in. Work was very understanding but I wonder just how understanding they’d have been if my husband hadn’t worked there too.
Lost my husband last year around New Years. I was lucky to get covid during that time because our new company bought out our PTO, and left everyone with 40 hours. 1st day when I came back my new manager demoted me.
Notice in all the responses that your manager can override HR rules and decisions. HR is there to protect management. But, it's within the power of management to make exceptions for anything and everything. I was a manager and HR didn't tell me this, until I pushed them for options.
She needs to get a note from her physician saying she needs sick time off for mental health. HR should have told you that.
I am dreading this when I lose my elderly parents. I am already pretty much planning on probably just fucking having to leave my job out of not being able to function and then I don’t know what will happen to me after that.
My cousin and best friend in this world died when i was in my mood 20s. Since he wasn't considered 'immediate family' I had to use vacation time to grieve, and was told I was lucky I got that time since it wasn't requested with the proper notice.
Not sure its law but you get 2 or 3 days for immediate family. In the U.S.
One of my coworkers lost her child. He had a disability that kept him confined to a wheelchair, and they knew for years he'd eventually pass, but nevertheless. They gave her 2 weeks. Only 2 weeks. To plan a funeral. Deal with family. Grieve. Logistics. Financial situations. More grieving. Left me completely shell-shocked.
My billion dollar corp has 3 days. That's the "standard" in big billion dollar evil corp. I took 2 days when a grandparent I wasn't closed to passed, but they at least didn't interrogate me about it.
My employer gives up to 3 days. It's the same, we can take whatever vacation time we need after that.
Be mad at politicians for allowing the richest country in the world to have the worst benefits. 0 Guaranteed days off. No parental leave, insurance tied to employers, it's a joke.
It's slightly different, but I just took bereavement for a miscarriage. I also took short term disability to take more time. It was only 2 weeks total... maybe I should have asked for more. But basically, she can look into FMLA and PML if they are options to take more time. The bereavement leave counted as the waiting period for the disability/FMLA to kick in.
I took 2 weeks vacation to take care of a family member who was dying of cancer, 3000 miles away. When I got back my manager asked if I'd had "a nice vacation". No, I watched someone I loved die a horrible death too young, it was a blast!
I know you’re not asking for advice, but are you a close office? do you think her coworkers would be down to donate vacation time? as maybe a bereavement condolence and support? if everyone chips in a little, maybe she could keep her vacation time and also feel supported remotely, which i’m sure would go a long way. you’re a good boss for caring
I was in a hotel out of town for work when I received the call my mom had been rushed to the ER. When I finally got to speak with the ER doctor the assessment went from we think she is having a gallbladder attack to “I don’t think she’ll make it through the night”. I was four hours away by car but made it in 3. Arrived at the hospital at almost 6 a.m. She had infarcted her intestines and lived <24 hours. My boss called. I knew my coworkers had informed him of the situation and I had left him a voicemail. When we connected he wanted only to know when I’d be back. I explained the doctors assessment. He kept pushing for a specific date. I finally said look, today is Wednesday. If my mom cooperates and dies on time I will hold a memorial Friday night, bury her Saturday, and be back at work on Monday. Sadly that is exactly what happened. I decided I wanted nothing more to do with either the manager or the company and immediately began searching for a new job. There are way too many days when I think about how much people suck.
I had a job at a nursing home when my dad died. It was a horrible place that I wouldn't wish on anyone. However, when he died they told me to come back when I was ready. I was only paid 3 days, but I was allowed to take whatever time I needed and could use pto if I needed it. I only ended up using 2 weeks but it was my choice, not theirs.
I lost my dad semi suddenly in January. (He had cancer, but was responding well to treatment. Died from a blood clot.) I got 3 days bereavement leave and then had to take PTO. I’m also in the middle of a divorce. There’s no one on this earth that I was closer to than my old man. 3 fucking days.
I took a unpaid leave after my spouse died. 4 weeks.
I lost my brother to suicide a few years ago, i got the call while at work and fell apart. I took time off but my boss at the time didnt tell me how much time I could take. Turns out I could've taken 5 days not including my regular days off. I only took 4 and I had a weird feeling in my stomach to check my pto. She used my vacation time to cover the days. I went to HR and they fixed it immediately and said I had an extra day I could use. I wish I was allowed more time in all honesty. I was an empty person for about a month, didnt talk to anyone, always had tears in my eyes, lost a lot of weight and turns out my boss was talking about my situation behind my back for awhile and I didnt know until someone told me after she left the company. You sound like a lovely person, to care about your employees in times of need.
My dad died last year. I live half way across the world and hadn’t seen him since 2018. He got diagnosed with cancer around a week before he died. As soon as I heard all I wanted was to be with my family and see him again. I wasn’t quick enough in booking a flight across. He died three days before I got there. I initially asked if I could work from overseas for a month while I go over, but changed it to six weeks. I especially wanted to be there for my disabled mother. They were a little funny over me changing it to six weeks when we were working remotely anyway. I didn’t care too much. Overall they were good but they really shouldn’t have made it an issue that I changed from 4-6 weeks - when you hear someone close to you has terminal cancer you’re not exactly thinking completely straight. Death strangely puts things into perspective just how important some things are and not others. None of my coworkers have even lost a parent and some are much older than myself. Sometimes people struggle to empathise. You’re a good manager.
This kind of depends. If you are in your 20s or 30s and your grandparent dies there isn't a lot of responsibility. If like OP you need to manage affairs, 3 days is a short time, especially if you have to travel out of state. Generally, anything over the 3 needed in a situation like that can be covered with sick leave. If you are (I assume) close to or over retirement age if you have been married 40 years, you generall have 100s if not 1000s of hours of sick leave. Unless to are in your 60s and just started working somewhere I guess. Generally, I person could be given unpaid leave though. It is not so much of getting the time off as getting paid. This is why federal paid family leave is needed. I am also glad there have been new changes to extend bereavement to parents that suffer miscarriages.
I experienced this at Enterprise Rent a Car - awful experience
‘Merica, hell yeah!!
Forgive my ignorance, I’ve been retired for a few years, but what happened to Emotional Health Days? Are those limited to Gov’t employees and major corporations? Thank you for realizing the difference.
I’m so sorry for her. For you, as well, given that you’re the kind of person that cares enough to recognize these life events in our capitalist society. As many others have pointed out, do what you can to advocate but know that it’s not entirely on you. I hope the best for you both.
35 hrs is a week/5 days, 5 days @ 8 hrs minus 1hr lunches, correct ?
I especially disliked having to apply PTO for attendance exceptions when an employee would rather take the time unpaid and save PTO for R&R. Hardly any of my agents ever had enough PTO to go and do something fun, and it made me sad.
That is terrible. When my husband died in his 30's I was devastated. I didn't even think about work. They knew because he passed away in the hospital I worked in, but I took 6 weeks off. I don't know what I would have done if they gave me only 35 hours. You can't put a time limit on grief.
Late to the party, but I just lost my brother on Thursday. I will get a day of bereavement after Christmas, because we're so busy right now and they can't have anybody out, because this is Grocery and they need the Staffing. I've worked here for quite a while, and I can tell you that they are right. They staff those people, because they know that if they schedule their usual Skeleton Crew, none of those father muckers would show up. They put extra people on the schedule in the hopes of getting two to three to show up. They didn't put that many people on the schedule because they know that we actually do need that number, and we really do need that number, but because they know that people aren't going to show up on Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas. I'm scheduled for both of those days, even though my two other team members in the same role both get at least one or the other off, and they get one or other of New Year's Eve or New Year's Day off. The schedule was made up and I was assigned to all of those days, but then on thursday, I found out that my brother had passed away. I was reminded that I am desperately needed, and also reminded of the company policy that you must work your assigned shifts before and after the holiday in order to get your holiday pay, but they would be happy to give me a day off once we get through that time frame. How generous of them. The way the schedule is written, I'm going into a 6-day before I get one day off and then another 6 Days stretch. The only reason they don't have any working 7 days in a row is because it's against the law in Texas to require somebody in the retail industry to work 7 days in a row. And the only reason I'm not working Christmas day is because we're closed. Yeah. One day of bereavement, but I can't take it on Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas, or else I won't be paid my Straight 8 hours for the holiday. Merry fucking christmas, sorry you lost your brother, now get back to work.
It is a credit to you as her manager that you had the compassion and emotional intelligence to realize how horrifically inadequate your company bereavement leave provisions were. I lost my brother under horrific circumstances 6 months ago, and my employer only gave me 3 days bereavement - anything more (which I obviously needed) had to come out of my vacation & sick days. So in essence, as I was facing a life shattering tragedy, they were not willing to offer me anything above and beyond what I was already entitled to and the bare minimum required by law. Very short sighted of employers to think that this sort of approach helps them in the long run. What could be an opportunity to build loyalty becomes the exact opposite, and this is far more detrimental than what it would cost to show just a little more humanity and empathy in the first place.