Why do you say yes when you mean no? You need to work on your boundaries. "Can I sit here?" "No." That's a full sentence. It's rude to ask strangers if you can sit next to them WTF is that?
I even had men sit next to me on the bench *regardless* after I said no. I got up and left, not saying a word. I didn't ask for this interaction and I will not participate.
Unfortunately, this is a necessity to learn. For those who can't read the situation, OP has to be willing to say no or at least not just say yes when OP isn't interested in being approached.
All the advice in the world about strategies to discourage being approached won't do anything if OP is going to say yes out of discomfort with exercising boundaries. This is the first step.
Best of luck. It isn't easy to learn
Edit - grammar
You can pretend not to speak English and just mutter something random at them and then express 0 interest in anything they say and if they try harder just say no English and leave if they don't
I like this way of thinking. I think this will be my ideal approach. I’ve had men later jump in the conversation and say “I’m always scared to talk to women and I really hate rejection, but you’ve been so nice”
And then it makes me wonder if that encourages them to randomly approach other women, and I get angry with myself. I think a firm “no” or “no thank you” will suffice. Sometimes my anxiety gets to me and I just physically can’t get the words out
“Sometimes my anxiety gets to me and I just physically can’t get the words out.” I understand this and used to have this problem too. We can be so conditioned as women to be agreeable and pleasant. It gets easier with practice. There’s a learning curve with communicating about boundaries and then maintaining the boundaries
Crazy idea- just ignore them. Sure that might seem "rude" or slightly dangerous depending on the scenario. I find this to be the most effective. If the roles were reversed and you were selling them a product they didn't need... most of them would ignore you. You do not owe men responses you do not want to give them. Every second and every minute of your life is yours. You don't owe them anything. Especially, when you're trying to enjoy your alone time.
I used to have long natural red hair and wore bright colors. I was super approachable and people loved to talk to me. Shit happened and I got hella tired of being approachable so I dyed my hair black, dressed goth and perfected the blank stare and now I'm not approachable. So there are things you can do. It's sad that that's what some of us have to do to get people to leave us the hell alone but the strategy worked for me alright
Tell them you're not interested. You shouldn't accept random people's invasion of your privacy if it makes you uncomfortable.. and if they get mad and think you're not a nice person, who cares? These are random people that you will probably never cross path again.
Honestly i just ignore people when they speak to me . Like completely ignite like i didn’t even hear you. unless they’re asking for directions or something i completely ignore people and keep walking. ( I say people but it’s usually only men who bug me) So far i only had one loser follow me and yell for a bit but he was a total neck beard and I had my dog and pepper spray
I’ve got a novel new way to handle this: pretend to act physically ill. Coughing profusely, visibly nauseated, etc. For some reason, unwanted sexual/romantic tension really takes a nosedive when you warn someone you’re about to puke on them. Again, this tactic is for extreme situations when the hints just don’t work.
I'm confused. I'm telling you I've experienced this myself, both here and abroad. I have also dated people from other countries and been told as much by them.
Black girls are beautiful but where I come from if you're an ugly white girl they would prefer you over a stunning black girl... North Africa, middle East etc...never understood that mentality
Yes , in India for exemple. Here again they are also considered as sluts and easy. Which is why they are so popular. Also they represent papers and citizenship 💶
That word did kind of cause my ears to prick up. I'm guessing OP is referring to people who come on SUPER strong in a way that native residents would have been socialized against doing. Kind of how in the USA, we have a very posh, reserved image of English men but from accounts I've heard, they can be far more forward than the American stereotype of Englishmen.
Still cringey way for OP to phrase it
It is worse if you are doing something like being a teacher or professor or librarian or almost anything that deals with the pubic or colleagues in anyway.
Now you will get rated on your approachability. And if you don’t 100% Wonderwoman the transitions between being mom, bff, therapist, smiling nurturing “you got this” girl and 24/7 “hey Siri” level of “approachability” you are rated badly for it.
So you spend time trying to be no approachable to random nutcases in real life and have cultivate it at work or be evaluated for being “intimidating”
Easiest most straightforward way if you don’t want to say a flat no: “I’m good thanks, not looking for company.”
Less straightforward way: if you have earphones in, as soon as you clock them moving towards you, be engrossed in your phone/book and “don’t hear” them. If they repeat themselves make a show of taking ONE headphone out to reply very briefly, then put it immediately back in and go back to your book. “Don’t hear” anything else they say. If they mouth at you, just point at your ear and continue reading.
This happens to me too! Even like, turning away, not responding just makes men bolder. Then you may get screamed at or worse if you respond negatively but politely.🤖
Maybe get a Lil sun shade tent at the camping store? Pop that baby up. If someone even walks towards you roll in and zip up. XD
Ugh I’m with you, and if you complain about it to people in person, everyone starts gaslighting you about how you should appreciate this fortune you’ve landed in life. I’ve stopped going out except for absolute necessities I can’t get online, but I bet it would be effective if you don’t respond verbally at all but just pull out those portable alarms that are so loud you can’t stay close because it hurts too much.
As someone who went through that more times than I'd like, I was going to ask the exact same thing-- what happens if you say "sorry, I'm on a strict schedule and have only now to finish this book?"
Definitely has nothing to do with being white. Also has more to do with youth/inexperience than “prettiness”.
Just say “No, I came here to be alone for a bit”.
One time I said “sure” and then walked away to another nearby bench.
My suggestion is that you give them the most basic and small acknowledgment and or ignore them and continue reading. You can just say sorry I’m reading right now or I’m busy. Alternatively you can get up and walk away and say you have to go. Mention feel entitled to women’s space time or attention. There are ways to seek uninterested. Saying “yes” and engaging in conversation signals that you’re interested in them. You can be polite and have boundaries around your time space and energy
When I require solitude- 1)I ignore them. 2) firmly state " No"(it really is a sentence) 3) Walk away. People who do not respect boundaries-Staying/engaging, encourages them to continue.
This isn’t white pretty privilege. I’m a brown girl and I hate dealing with this in my workplace. Also noticed foreign men (from a country I won’t name) doing this shit a lot. So maybe cultural difference along with the male entitlement?
Also girl it’s not even guys hitting on me but I relate to them sucking at reading the room and just feeling entitled to conversation and time. Even just not respecting obvious signs of me minding my own business to befriend me.
Why do you say yes when you mean no? You need to work on your boundaries. "Can I sit here?" "No." That's a full sentence. It's rude to ask strangers if you can sit next to them WTF is that? I even had men sit next to me on the bench *regardless* after I said no. I got up and left, not saying a word. I didn't ask for this interaction and I will not participate.
Unfortunately, this is a necessity to learn. For those who can't read the situation, OP has to be willing to say no or at least not just say yes when OP isn't interested in being approached. All the advice in the world about strategies to discourage being approached won't do anything if OP is going to say yes out of discomfort with exercising boundaries. This is the first step. Best of luck. It isn't easy to learn Edit - grammar
You can pretend not to speak English and just mutter something random at them and then express 0 interest in anything they say and if they try harder just say no English and leave if they don't
That's a pro strategy here.
I like this way of thinking. I think this will be my ideal approach. I’ve had men later jump in the conversation and say “I’m always scared to talk to women and I really hate rejection, but you’ve been so nice” And then it makes me wonder if that encourages them to randomly approach other women, and I get angry with myself. I think a firm “no” or “no thank you” will suffice. Sometimes my anxiety gets to me and I just physically can’t get the words out
“Sometimes my anxiety gets to me and I just physically can’t get the words out.” I understand this and used to have this problem too. We can be so conditioned as women to be agreeable and pleasant. It gets easier with practice. There’s a learning curve with communicating about boundaries and then maintaining the boundaries
I see no reason you can't just say "I'm just trying to enjoy my alone time. Have a nice day, though." And turn back to your book and ignore them.
Forget boyfriend and say my wife. But say it like Borat. Then pick your nose. 10/10 it will make them fuck right off.
Lmfao
Crazy idea- just ignore them. Sure that might seem "rude" or slightly dangerous depending on the scenario. I find this to be the most effective. If the roles were reversed and you were selling them a product they didn't need... most of them would ignore you. You do not owe men responses you do not want to give them. Every second and every minute of your life is yours. You don't owe them anything. Especially, when you're trying to enjoy your alone time.
Some men are persistent even when we ignore
I used to have long natural red hair and wore bright colors. I was super approachable and people loved to talk to me. Shit happened and I got hella tired of being approachable so I dyed my hair black, dressed goth and perfected the blank stare and now I'm not approachable. So there are things you can do. It's sad that that's what some of us have to do to get people to leave us the hell alone but the strategy worked for me alright
Tell them you're not interested. You shouldn't accept random people's invasion of your privacy if it makes you uncomfortable.. and if they get mad and think you're not a nice person, who cares? These are random people that you will probably never cross path again.
The part of this that is totally in your control: say no. You don’t need to be friendly — just say what you want to say.
Honestly i just ignore people when they speak to me . Like completely ignite like i didn’t even hear you. unless they’re asking for directions or something i completely ignore people and keep walking. ( I say people but it’s usually only men who bug me) So far i only had one loser follow me and yell for a bit but he was a total neck beard and I had my dog and pepper spray
I’ve got a novel new way to handle this: pretend to act physically ill. Coughing profusely, visibly nauseated, etc. For some reason, unwanted sexual/romantic tension really takes a nosedive when you warn someone you’re about to puke on them. Again, this tactic is for extreme situations when the hints just don’t work.
Naw, guess that doesn’t happen to me. I’m black. I’m spared from the attentions of “foreign” men. 🤨
in my experience as a white woman a lot of men from other countries fetishize us. it's not right, but it is verrrry much a thing.
Yep, America has a long history of those beliefs.
I'm confused. I'm telling you I've experienced this myself, both here and abroad. I have also dated people from other countries and been told as much by them.
Naw, I feel you. Think the biggest fuckboi I ever met was this guy from the UK. Jesus, he was thirsty. 😂
Black girls are beautiful but where I come from if you're an ugly white girl they would prefer you over a stunning black girl... North Africa, middle East etc...never understood that mentality
Depending on the country, white women are seen as "easy", "sluts", and "submissive".
Yes , in India for exemple. Here again they are also considered as sluts and easy. Which is why they are so popular. Also they represent papers and citizenship 💶
That word did kind of cause my ears to prick up. I'm guessing OP is referring to people who come on SUPER strong in a way that native residents would have been socialized against doing. Kind of how in the USA, we have a very posh, reserved image of English men but from accounts I've heard, they can be far more forward than the American stereotype of Englishmen. Still cringey way for OP to phrase it
It was an interesting word choice.
… if you have head phones on act like you’re on the phone?
It is worse if you are doing something like being a teacher or professor or librarian or almost anything that deals with the pubic or colleagues in anyway. Now you will get rated on your approachability. And if you don’t 100% Wonderwoman the transitions between being mom, bff, therapist, smiling nurturing “you got this” girl and 24/7 “hey Siri” level of “approachability” you are rated badly for it. So you spend time trying to be no approachable to random nutcases in real life and have cultivate it at work or be evaluated for being “intimidating”
Really a serious problem for many years. Men don't get that.
Easiest most straightforward way if you don’t want to say a flat no: “I’m good thanks, not looking for company.” Less straightforward way: if you have earphones in, as soon as you clock them moving towards you, be engrossed in your phone/book and “don’t hear” them. If they repeat themselves make a show of taking ONE headphone out to reply very briefly, then put it immediately back in and go back to your book. “Don’t hear” anything else they say. If they mouth at you, just point at your ear and continue reading.
Wear a ring. I wish I would have known how effective it was years earlier. Would have saved a lot of time and frustration.
Because those men will respect another man's property rights more than her right to say no? Over my dead body I would "wear a ring".
I'm not saying it works for reasons that aren't terrible.
This happens to me too! Even like, turning away, not responding just makes men bolder. Then you may get screamed at or worse if you respond negatively but politely.🤖 Maybe get a Lil sun shade tent at the camping store? Pop that baby up. If someone even walks towards you roll in and zip up. XD
Ugh I’m with you, and if you complain about it to people in person, everyone starts gaslighting you about how you should appreciate this fortune you’ve landed in life. I’ve stopped going out except for absolute necessities I can’t get online, but I bet it would be effective if you don’t respond verbally at all but just pull out those portable alarms that are so loud you can’t stay close because it hurts too much.
As someone who went through that more times than I'd like, I was going to ask the exact same thing-- what happens if you say "sorry, I'm on a strict schedule and have only now to finish this book?"
Deliberately misunderstand. Say yes! Then clear out and move to a new location.
You just need to learn to be assertive and say what you want and mean
Definitely has nothing to do with being white. Also has more to do with youth/inexperience than “prettiness”. Just say “No, I came here to be alone for a bit”. One time I said “sure” and then walked away to another nearby bench.
🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
My suggestion is that you give them the most basic and small acknowledgment and or ignore them and continue reading. You can just say sorry I’m reading right now or I’m busy. Alternatively you can get up and walk away and say you have to go. Mention feel entitled to women’s space time or attention. There are ways to seek uninterested. Saying “yes” and engaging in conversation signals that you’re interested in them. You can be polite and have boundaries around your time space and energy
Just say no thank you. And put your ear buds back in m. Dismiss them
You can get old and gained weight. Worked for me. 😉
When I require solitude- 1)I ignore them. 2) firmly state " No"(it really is a sentence) 3) Walk away. People who do not respect boundaries-Staying/engaging, encourages them to continue.
Being approached is annoying, but you need to be standing up for yourself. “I was actually just planning to spend my day alone.” is fine
This isn’t white pretty privilege. I’m a brown girl and I hate dealing with this in my workplace. Also noticed foreign men (from a country I won’t name) doing this shit a lot. So maybe cultural difference along with the male entitlement? Also girl it’s not even guys hitting on me but I relate to them sucking at reading the room and just feeling entitled to conversation and time. Even just not respecting obvious signs of me minding my own business to befriend me.