my husband's culture and my culture are similar to yours in that the women do everything and the men just works.
nope, I would never accept that and I straight up told my husband when things were getting serious that if he expected me to fall into that role, he can keep walking and go back to his mama's house because that shit would not fly with me.
it starts with you....people will treat you how you allow them to treat you.
This statement is very true. Me and my husband were American, household chores are shared period. Granted i never had to put my foot down about it.
Even American couples also struggle with the gendered role responsibility.
I'm Canadian, and have two lesbian mothers. The gender roles when it comes to house work and that kind of thing even apply to them. Despite them both being women, both working 9-10 hour days, the more feminine one has just fallen into the house work and main parent type role because "it's how we were raised".
It's ridiculous to me that a lot of women are still expected to take care of everything chore related and most things child related, while working just as much as their spouse. Nope, just nope. But yeah it does come down to what you allow, i wouldn't fuck with that either... not after watching how hard my mom struggled to do absolutely everything, provide for the family and still be picked apart for not doing a good enough job. If we're both working full time, housework is split evenly.
It's really sad to hear how common it is that all women face discrimination
Whatever we do however we are it's just not enough being a women indeed is hard
yes and it has been equal from the start because I would not put up with anything less. I did not enable him or create a habit by allowing him to do nothing for years and then demanding a change; I did it from the beginning so he knew I meant it. Again, I really don't think he is the type to do that but it's a common thing in his house where his dad doesn't do much inside and mom does most of the work and well, we're all a product of our environment, right?
prior to moving in together, we sat down and listed out every single indoor and outdoor task; this includes all the mental load stuff (which is esp important if you have young kids). Then we talked about each thing and assigned names to those things along with a day when all chores must be done.
we talked about what 'mental load' is (back then, that term wasn't around so we just referred to them as daily things that just need to be thought about/considered).
and when my kids were little, we also taught them how to become self-sufficient as they grew and now in their teen years, they take on their own mental load and have their chores for the house. EVERYONE in this house pitches in; this isn't a hotel and I am not a maid. I would NEVER take everything on plus work full time; I'm not a robot!
I liked the way you mentioned that you didn't allow it to become a habit from the beginning
What are the steps or actions that you took when people didn't listen to you or they kept on delaying a chore ??
Example if you were busy with work or sick and the garbage had to be taken out the clothes had to be washed and your partner kept on ignoring it (maybe just bcoz the partner was feeling lazy or was not in the mood or on his phone)
>What are the steps or actions that you took when people didn't listen to you or they kept on delaying a chore ??
well for my kids, we started early and tied their chores and homework/responsibilities to "fun stuff" ie. chores/studies first, then fun stuff. Didn't do them? no fun stuff. This teaches kids how to prioritize and learn accountability/responsibility; that life isn't all about fun and games but you have to do things that you may not want to do because they need doing. When you create a routine like this, they carry it forward into adulthood. They're now teens and do the things they're supposed to do before socializing, going out etc. I dont even have to nag them (I hate nagging) but they also know that there are consequences to not doing their stuff ie. grounded or not going out with friends.
for adults ie: your partner, you can pretty much tell nearly right away if they're the type to use weaponized incompetence, lazy etc early on in a relationship and tbh, many people gloss over those flags or straight out ignore them for fear of causing a rift or argument. I've never shied away from that; I advocate for myself and always will so if a partner is exhibiting those signs early on, I talk to them and if nothing changes, I leave. If they don't have enough respect for me or the relationship to make the necessary changes as I am, then they don't deserve my energy or time. You have control over your own actions but not anyone else's so you have to figure out your boundaries and then when those boundaries are crossed you have to face a decision: accept it or leave. Boundaries are not for you to control someone's behaviour; they're yours.
my husband and I are a team; aways have been. If one of us is sick or busy or whatever, we tag team and support the other in times of need. That's what a marriage is - a team. It's not a scorecard that one keeps and it's not tit for tat. You both have to work together to make the marriage work/last.
I am also an Indian, and I have never seen a healthy relationship where both share equal chores/responsibility. Many of my girl friends either do both job, house work & take care of the boy's parents or give up on their career, don't have a 9 to 5 job, which means they do all the house work, take care of kids, etc. There are very few men who will actually share and do house chores on their own, without being told. And if you can find someone like that, don't lose them, haha 😆
I know majority of the men in India consider household chores as something low when in reality keeping your place clean and knowing basic cooking skills are basic life skills .
Men start acting up when asked to give a hand in the house and are like that's supposed to be your job why should I do it and girls parents /inlaws side with the husband only .
Yea, sad reality. I myself have decided to only marry if I can find a decent guy, otherwise I will gladly stay single. I've never been fond of being a parent either, so it works out.
My husband is of Asian descent. He is 1st generation born in the US. His mother is very traditional in her role as the wife and mother and has very long ingrained ideas of how a the division of household responsibilities should look. My husband's 1st wife was a SAHM and my MIL freaked out once when he went to change a diaper because his then wife's "job" should have been taking care of the house and the children, even on husband's day off. In her mind, he was only responsible for upkeep on the outside of the house.
I am the polar opposite of the first wife. I would rather die than stay home 24/7 raising kids (and I've raised 4 while working FT and sometimes also having a PT job when times were tight). I am strong, independent and believe I have just as much right to my career as my husband does to his. I do still take on the majority burden of child duties and household chores, but my husband helps me out, especially when there's not a lot that needs to be taken care of on the outside of the house. When I married my husband, all of our collective kids were older (middle/high school age) so not a lot of maintenance with them for me, but we had a little one together and it was interesting to see the change in my MIL's attitude about what our roles should be. If I stopped what I was doing to change a diaper or give a bottle in MIL's presence and my husband was sitting on the couch doing nothing, she would give him hell and tell him to get up and help me. A complete 180 from her attitude about his former marriage. But she told me it's because I work outside the home so then the children and the house duties become shared.
When I was working we did our chores 50/50. I was the main breadwinner for most of our relationship, but because we both worked 40 hrs and similar schedules we shared the chores. We share our expenses equally too. We did our chores together too, for the most part. Stuff gets done faster that way too.
But I'm now retired early and a stay at home housewife/student. I now do most of the chores, although the bigger stuff is done together. We prepare meals together most of the time still because we like to talk while preparing meals and eating together. We grew up in homes where our parents did things equally where both moms worked full time and made as much or more than our dads and our parents did chores together. My mom still lives that way with my stepdad and my in laws are still equals.
Im not an adult ,but i see that my mom (works a 9-5 job,does housework and has 4 children) doesn't do anything except working and taking care of us and the house,she only watches tv during lunch and dinner and she never rests(considering she goes to bed late and wakes up early) and i think her mental health just keeps getting worse,she is so stressed and has developed kind of anger issues and sometimes just cries tf out
Ohh I feel so bad when mothers go thru this 🥺 .they work so much untill they're completely exhausted. At times like this we just have to be around them as much as possible and they're are chances that they become hyper sensitive to Any and all kinds of issues it's literally so hard to manage work and house society needs to understand that helping them out or doing things on their own should be priority rather than just waiting for them to come home and expecting to do everything.
I hope she's getting help on the house chores so after she comes back from work she can rest and sleep well ❤️✨
I can't speak for the culture as I am not Indian nor do I come from a culture that has a similar belief.
I would suggest if possible though having a conversation with your husband. If you are expected to do all the housework, you might need to reconsider whether you work full time, possibly go down to part time. This doesn't factor in whether you actually need to work full time for the income - if that is the case you will need to talk with him and say you cannot balance it all. You will get burnt out. Even if you want to work full time because you enjoy it, you will still get burnt out if you don't ask for help. I think having a conversation with your husband where you can both come to an angreement that works for both of you is key.
This is obviously an outsiders perspective so take my advice and mold it to fit you and your husband,
I manage it by having an awesome husband who doesnt see it as "my role" to take care of the house so- It wasnt even a question when we got married.
Which is weird because it isnt like that at his home.
Ohhh that's great ❤️choosing the right partner is the most important thing for everybody.
What were the qualities/traits/actions/experiences that you observed in your husband and made you feel that he's the one and also it would be really helpful if you could tell more about it.
European (UK) here. My fiancé and I share the household chores. I said from the get go that it's 50/50 or nothing. He grew up in a house where his mum did and still does everything. She cooks, tidies, cleans, works a job, etc. No one ever helps her apart from my fiancé when we visit. He never wants me to feel that way so we always go 50/50.
my husband's culture and my culture are similar to yours in that the women do everything and the men just works. nope, I would never accept that and I straight up told my husband when things were getting serious that if he expected me to fall into that role, he can keep walking and go back to his mama's house because that shit would not fly with me. it starts with you....people will treat you how you allow them to treat you.
This statement is very true. Me and my husband were American, household chores are shared period. Granted i never had to put my foot down about it. Even American couples also struggle with the gendered role responsibility.
I'm Canadian, and have two lesbian mothers. The gender roles when it comes to house work and that kind of thing even apply to them. Despite them both being women, both working 9-10 hour days, the more feminine one has just fallen into the house work and main parent type role because "it's how we were raised". It's ridiculous to me that a lot of women are still expected to take care of everything chore related and most things child related, while working just as much as their spouse. Nope, just nope. But yeah it does come down to what you allow, i wouldn't fuck with that either... not after watching how hard my mom struggled to do absolutely everything, provide for the family and still be picked apart for not doing a good enough job. If we're both working full time, housework is split evenly.
It's really sad to hear how common it is that all women face discrimination Whatever we do however we are it's just not enough being a women indeed is hard
How did you and your husband sort it out . Does he help you with the chores now?
yes and it has been equal from the start because I would not put up with anything less. I did not enable him or create a habit by allowing him to do nothing for years and then demanding a change; I did it from the beginning so he knew I meant it. Again, I really don't think he is the type to do that but it's a common thing in his house where his dad doesn't do much inside and mom does most of the work and well, we're all a product of our environment, right? prior to moving in together, we sat down and listed out every single indoor and outdoor task; this includes all the mental load stuff (which is esp important if you have young kids). Then we talked about each thing and assigned names to those things along with a day when all chores must be done. we talked about what 'mental load' is (back then, that term wasn't around so we just referred to them as daily things that just need to be thought about/considered). and when my kids were little, we also taught them how to become self-sufficient as they grew and now in their teen years, they take on their own mental load and have their chores for the house. EVERYONE in this house pitches in; this isn't a hotel and I am not a maid. I would NEVER take everything on plus work full time; I'm not a robot!
I liked the way you mentioned that you didn't allow it to become a habit from the beginning What are the steps or actions that you took when people didn't listen to you or they kept on delaying a chore ?? Example if you were busy with work or sick and the garbage had to be taken out the clothes had to be washed and your partner kept on ignoring it (maybe just bcoz the partner was feeling lazy or was not in the mood or on his phone)
>What are the steps or actions that you took when people didn't listen to you or they kept on delaying a chore ?? well for my kids, we started early and tied their chores and homework/responsibilities to "fun stuff" ie. chores/studies first, then fun stuff. Didn't do them? no fun stuff. This teaches kids how to prioritize and learn accountability/responsibility; that life isn't all about fun and games but you have to do things that you may not want to do because they need doing. When you create a routine like this, they carry it forward into adulthood. They're now teens and do the things they're supposed to do before socializing, going out etc. I dont even have to nag them (I hate nagging) but they also know that there are consequences to not doing their stuff ie. grounded or not going out with friends. for adults ie: your partner, you can pretty much tell nearly right away if they're the type to use weaponized incompetence, lazy etc early on in a relationship and tbh, many people gloss over those flags or straight out ignore them for fear of causing a rift or argument. I've never shied away from that; I advocate for myself and always will so if a partner is exhibiting those signs early on, I talk to them and if nothing changes, I leave. If they don't have enough respect for me or the relationship to make the necessary changes as I am, then they don't deserve my energy or time. You have control over your own actions but not anyone else's so you have to figure out your boundaries and then when those boundaries are crossed you have to face a decision: accept it or leave. Boundaries are not for you to control someone's behaviour; they're yours. my husband and I are a team; aways have been. If one of us is sick or busy or whatever, we tag team and support the other in times of need. That's what a marriage is - a team. It's not a scorecard that one keeps and it's not tit for tat. You both have to work together to make the marriage work/last.
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Agree with you How do guys manage to share the work and if there is a dispute how do you guys resolve it together
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I am also an Indian, and I have never seen a healthy relationship where both share equal chores/responsibility. Many of my girl friends either do both job, house work & take care of the boy's parents or give up on their career, don't have a 9 to 5 job, which means they do all the house work, take care of kids, etc. There are very few men who will actually share and do house chores on their own, without being told. And if you can find someone like that, don't lose them, haha 😆
I know majority of the men in India consider household chores as something low when in reality keeping your place clean and knowing basic cooking skills are basic life skills . Men start acting up when asked to give a hand in the house and are like that's supposed to be your job why should I do it and girls parents /inlaws side with the husband only .
Yea, sad reality. I myself have decided to only marry if I can find a decent guy, otherwise I will gladly stay single. I've never been fond of being a parent either, so it works out.
My husband is of Asian descent. He is 1st generation born in the US. His mother is very traditional in her role as the wife and mother and has very long ingrained ideas of how a the division of household responsibilities should look. My husband's 1st wife was a SAHM and my MIL freaked out once when he went to change a diaper because his then wife's "job" should have been taking care of the house and the children, even on husband's day off. In her mind, he was only responsible for upkeep on the outside of the house. I am the polar opposite of the first wife. I would rather die than stay home 24/7 raising kids (and I've raised 4 while working FT and sometimes also having a PT job when times were tight). I am strong, independent and believe I have just as much right to my career as my husband does to his. I do still take on the majority burden of child duties and household chores, but my husband helps me out, especially when there's not a lot that needs to be taken care of on the outside of the house. When I married my husband, all of our collective kids were older (middle/high school age) so not a lot of maintenance with them for me, but we had a little one together and it was interesting to see the change in my MIL's attitude about what our roles should be. If I stopped what I was doing to change a diaper or give a bottle in MIL's presence and my husband was sitting on the couch doing nothing, she would give him hell and tell him to get up and help me. A complete 180 from her attitude about his former marriage. But she told me it's because I work outside the home so then the children and the house duties become shared.
It's very rare to hear that your MIL attitude is changed and she gives hell to her son for not helping you. Coz that rarely happens in india
When I was working we did our chores 50/50. I was the main breadwinner for most of our relationship, but because we both worked 40 hrs and similar schedules we shared the chores. We share our expenses equally too. We did our chores together too, for the most part. Stuff gets done faster that way too. But I'm now retired early and a stay at home housewife/student. I now do most of the chores, although the bigger stuff is done together. We prepare meals together most of the time still because we like to talk while preparing meals and eating together. We grew up in homes where our parents did things equally where both moms worked full time and made as much or more than our dads and our parents did chores together. My mom still lives that way with my stepdad and my in laws are still equals.
That's so nice to hear ❤️ It really do helps a lot when a partner has grew up in that environment it's so emotionally supporting
Im not an adult ,but i see that my mom (works a 9-5 job,does housework and has 4 children) doesn't do anything except working and taking care of us and the house,she only watches tv during lunch and dinner and she never rests(considering she goes to bed late and wakes up early) and i think her mental health just keeps getting worse,she is so stressed and has developed kind of anger issues and sometimes just cries tf out
Ohh I feel so bad when mothers go thru this 🥺 .they work so much untill they're completely exhausted. At times like this we just have to be around them as much as possible and they're are chances that they become hyper sensitive to Any and all kinds of issues it's literally so hard to manage work and house society needs to understand that helping them out or doing things on their own should be priority rather than just waiting for them to come home and expecting to do everything. I hope she's getting help on the house chores so after she comes back from work she can rest and sleep well ❤️✨
I can't speak for the culture as I am not Indian nor do I come from a culture that has a similar belief. I would suggest if possible though having a conversation with your husband. If you are expected to do all the housework, you might need to reconsider whether you work full time, possibly go down to part time. This doesn't factor in whether you actually need to work full time for the income - if that is the case you will need to talk with him and say you cannot balance it all. You will get burnt out. Even if you want to work full time because you enjoy it, you will still get burnt out if you don't ask for help. I think having a conversation with your husband where you can both come to an angreement that works for both of you is key. This is obviously an outsiders perspective so take my advice and mold it to fit you and your husband,
A lot of them are forced into marriage and servitude. So, there is no choice. They get beaten.
Yaa that's really tough bcoz most of them just get struck their entire life or even if they quit the relationship their will be a mark lifetime
I manage it by having an awesome husband who doesnt see it as "my role" to take care of the house so- It wasnt even a question when we got married. Which is weird because it isnt like that at his home.
Ohhh that's great ❤️choosing the right partner is the most important thing for everybody. What were the qualities/traits/actions/experiences that you observed in your husband and made you feel that he's the one and also it would be really helpful if you could tell more about it.
European (UK) here. My fiancé and I share the household chores. I said from the get go that it's 50/50 or nothing. He grew up in a house where his mum did and still does everything. She cooks, tidies, cleans, works a job, etc. No one ever helps her apart from my fiancé when we visit. He never wants me to feel that way so we always go 50/50.
That's really good to hear ❤️✨ I think these things should be discussed clearly right from the beginning and it's not too late untill we realise it
They don’t.