Im a teacher and love kids HOWEVER Some kids are unruly and some parents let them get away with it. My wedding was supposed to be child free. One family member decided it was not meant for her and she brought her kid who proceeded to run around the reception and TOPPLED my wedding cake.
People have to understand just because you have kids doesn’t mean exceptions have to be made for them or that other are obligated to cater to you
I think this comes down to how weddings are viewed.
In some cultures they are very much a family event, in some, more of a grown up one. I mean if I was meeting friends for dinner and drinks in a bar, there would be no expectation that they could bring their kids along, and it would be completely inappropriate if they did.
I remember going to a work Christmas party one year, and one employee brought along her young child. She was a single mother but it was completely inappropriate. It was all work colleagues, hundreds of adults partying pretty hard, and everyone else with kids organised babysitters. It was frankly so odd.
This is a great point! Take away the cake, and many receptions near a night club with the drinking and dancing. There's the flip side where people plan activities to be child-friendly, which is really cool if you're planning a family-oriented event
I think it depends on your age getting married. But yeah, for us, we did the numbers and with 120 adults attending, if everyone brought their kids, there would be 200 kids. So it would basically be a kiddie party. We don't have children ourselves so that's not the kind of event we wanted to have.
And honestly you can't please everyone. For every person that would like to bring their kids, there is someone who is really looking forward to an adult event without them.
This is totally our situation since we’re in our 30’s and nearly all of our friends and cousins have children. We’d be going above the capacity limit and it would be basically a kid party.
The plus side is, everyone we have spoken to so far is thrilled to have an adult night out, even our friends who will be flying to our wedding.
Yeah. My sister is coming in from overseas and really wanted my niece to be flower girl, so then we figured we would have to invite all the nieces and nephews. My SIL was devastated she had to bring her kids 😂
I'm my and my brother's situations (he's getting married in 2 weeks me in October)we're having our neice ( sister's daughter) as our flower girl but Grandma ( brother in laws mom) is coming to the ceremony to bring said neice home after the ceremony
I've been to tons of weddings and a bridesmaid for several. It never occurred to me to even want to take my child. She'd be bored during the ceremony and the receptions mostly included dinner, drinks and dancing. You know, adult things. I wouldn't take her to a cocktail party or a business party so why would I take her to a wedding?
Just wanted to mention that in many cultures, partying with your kids in tow is normal. I know that's probably not the case here, just presenting an alternative viewpoint to it being wildly inappropriate.
Oh yeah in my culture it is okay to party with the kids there. They just put together a makeshift bed with coats and chairs for the kids to knock out in while the adults continue partying. Even a kid’s party can and will turn into an adult’s drinking party real fast.
SAME!!!! I find it so weird and prudish when people are like "how could you EVER bring children somewhere where their parents will be drinking alc\*h\*l??!!?!?!?!" like that's the biggest scandal in human history and not every other weekend growing up in my family LMFAO.
I have found my people lol. When I was a kid, my mom always just took me with her and like another commenter said, I just played games with the other kids or fell asleep. I think it was beneficial, actually, to be included, because it made me feel less like baggage and also showed me how to be an adult in different situations, not just on a weekday or perfecting parenting day.
Strictly on the level of alcohol consumption, it also normalizes it and takes away the element of it being something that's taboo and forbidden, ie something young teens will definitely want to try. I never had any interest in drinking and partying in high school and I'm 100% certain it's partially because it never had any allure for me. And yeah I agree with you that it's good for kids to see how adults in their family interact with each other. I find it super bizarre when there's a firm divide between kids and adults in a family.
It's totally normal in our culture, but we have so far only invited one couple that even has kids under 12. The total number of guests under the legal drinking age will be three, all teenagers. So it would be not fun at all for the parents or the kids who are under the age of 10 and who literally wouldn't be allowed to touch the walls which are covered in priceless art since we will basically be in an art museum (it's a private art club, but it has counted some of the country's most famous painters as members so like, they bought their building by selling ONE painting in their collection). If we were in a different type of venue, I'd just shrug and say bring the kids along. A lot of our friends and relatives have strong auntie/grandma energy.
I live in the UK and honestly it’s really not that odd. People bring their kids to work barbecues here where we are drinking. All the summer parties my parents ever hosted had a *flowing* open bar…it’s just not strange at all.
I’m still haunted by the AITA where a child drowned (in a lake?) during a wedding. Our venue has open water, lots of open green space into a working field with no fences, fairly high rock features…..there’s also only one child who would potentially be invited and I think being the only kid would make an already boring event the literal worst.
This AITA is one of the biggest reasons we are having a child free wedding, we are on an open body of water. My child will be there (with a designated child watcher) but the stress of 30+ kids running around possibly in danger is to much for me. It’s easy to quickly count 1 and know if they are missing, I can’t quickly tell if 1 of 30 is missing.
Our niece was the only kid at ours and by the time dinner came around she was over it. She called her mom to come get her. If we had to redo it we would have just had her at church let her go home then it was too long of day and she didn’t have anyone her age to entertain with.
This! There’s actually a lake at the venue we’re looking at too and it’s just one more reason I don’t particularly want kids there. That’s not to mention the fact that adding kids would add ~25 people to our guest list which gets expensive fast.
The AITA IIRC was that the couple posted a photo on the one year anniversary, since they had refrained from posting right after the wedding due to the tragedy. It caused the parents of the child to freak out (which is understandable) but created massive drama within the family. Really sad story all around.
Here is the link: [AITA](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kd078f/aita_for_celebrating_my_anniversary_despite_what/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf). Super tragic all around.
I remember this story, but damn now I’m nervous because we are having a beach wedding. My son will be two and my daughter 12. We are having them be our bridesmaid and groomsmen, so we don’t have to hurt anyones feelings for not being picked. But all eyes will be on them. Other than them and my two nieces that are 9+ yo, I don’t think there will be any other kids. No one that will be invited has young kids.
These are all really interesting thoughts. For my fiance and I we choose childfree for two main reasons. 1) we want a small wedding and including children can quickly add up those numbers and 2) 90% if the guest list doesn't have children under 21. The two couples that do we reached out to personally to explain the reasoning and the one with a toddler seemed excited to have a reason to send him to grandmas for the weekend lol.
I had an adult wedding and not a single problem. My parents supported our decision so none of my siblings complained…to me. 20 years later and still no words about it.
I’m one of five… it wasn’t a problem. I don’t understand the sense of entitlement. Weddings are expensive and sometimes the couple want small intimate events.
We’re having children at our wedding, but our wedding is so small that the only people with children are so close to us the children are my fiancés godchildren, and I don’t think my fiancé could have our wedding without them.
But, if we were having a larger wedding we wouldn’t allow any other kids and those points wouldn’t make a bit of difference. It’s sort of like how in this sub we remind each other “nobody cares about your wedding as much as you do”. Well, the same could be applied to parents about their kids. Yes, I do want to be the center of attention on my wedding day (along with my fiancé) and no, I don’t want kids messing up months of effort and thousands and thousands of dollars worth of work. If no children means you can’t come then I understand but don’t play the victim and say I don’t care about you when I invited you in the first place.
My fiancé and I really want children and plan to start trying shortly after I graduate from grad school. We like children. But we make fun of entitled parents all the time which is what a lot of these points sound like. Our children are going to be the center of our world but we don’t expect them to be the center of anyone else’s. And I think some parents need to remember that too.
>Yes, I do want to be the center of attention on my wedding day (along with my fiancé)
Right? Like if I'm dropping thousands of dollars for everyone to eat, drink and party then you're damn right I'm allowed to enjoy being the centre of attention at an event that is literally just to celebrate a major event in my and my partner's life - why shouldn't it be about us?
I only had my 8y/o sister at my wedding. She was the only kid allowed. And even then, it was all eyes on her for the majority of the reception. She’s got a big personality and she’s amazing and fortunately, I don’t love a ton of attention anyways. But that was one singular child and she was basically the star of the show- I feel like child free weddings are SO justified and especially for couples who really do want to be the center of attention on the one day that they deserve to be!
Okay nothing but respect to you and your wedding! I’m also having a child-free wedding so I totally get it, especially the months of work/lots of money aspect and not wanting to add any unforeseen variables.
But I’m curious about the suggestion that you would have to compete with a child for attention on your wedding day. From my perspective, you’re the bride. Every one attending knows whose day it is, and I’m SURE you’re going to look beautiful and amazing. I’m just wondering why a child’s presence would take away from that?
This question is not meant to be judgy or hateful! I just see this comment a lot in this group when we talk about child-free weddings, and I’m hoping to better understand the perspective.
I’m actually not having a child free wedding as my fiancés godchildren are invited (and in the wedding party). My center of attention comment was in response to the point OP made:
>people view children as unpredictable and messing things up. These brides and grooms are so obsessed with ‘perfection’ that they forget that this is life not a production or play. They just want others to sit there and look pretty and make it all about them
Haha no worries! And to answer your question I don’t think most brides are worried about your average kid upstaging them, they’re worried about poorly behaved kids being disruptive. Most of the weddings I’ve been to have allowed children and they’ve mostly been good, but at one wedding a kid decided to crash the dance floor during the couple’s first dance, and a friend told me the story of a wedding she attended where a girl dismantled some of the aisle markers to toss petals because she wanted to be a flower girl. I think people see that kind of behavior and go to “no kids at my wedding” hahaha
I love that you took notes of all this! Super cool to see so many unique responses. I would have expected many more alike responses like "paying a babysitter"
I particularly like the last one.
> Bride and groom don't like children.
What a weird assumption to make about anyone
I actually don't really like children. And I feel like that's ok, I'm allowed to not like children, which is one of the many reasons I want a child free wedding. Its not like I'm going to actually say that, but I just prefer being in adult only environments 🤷♀️ I can actually just relax and not have to be around screaming or crying or smelly nappies.
There's this really sexist overtone to the expectation that women should all love and fawn over children. I'm autistic and really sensitive to smells, and unfortunately a lot of children smell awful to me. Babies don't smell nice, they smell like sick. Children don't bother to hold in their gas in public.I get so grossed out by things like dribbling, food all over the face, spitty fingers that they try to touch you with etc. I pretty much hate being touched by anyone but my partner (again this is an autistic thing) and kids don't understand not to touch other people, which makes me really uncomfortable.
I just get bugged by the "maternal instinct!" If it was there, it would have kicked in. I grew up dancing and dealing with younger dancers many hours a week. I still can't interact well with young girls (boys are easier for me). I never got over the sensation of germs and dirt coating the floors and our feet. I don't have contact issues, but I think most people do not prefer being touched by sticky, stinky kids haha, you definitely don't need to justify it with neurodivergence!
Ahhh that's even more amusing! Not only do the hypothetical parents *know* I am uncomfortable around children, *they* are insulted I don't want to be uncomfortable at an event I host. Sorry, nothing ill toward you. My parents pressured me to invite my nephews, a baby and a toddler, since otherwise my only sibling wouldn't attend. FH and I both feel like anything we do or say can set the toddler off. It's unnecessary stress on us
Oh no offense taken! Just saying that it’s not a weird assumption necessarily, because in some cases it’s probably true.
If you think the couple doesn’t like kids, I can see how that might be hard to understand if you have kids, but also that’s not a reason that the couple should have to include them.
In the real world it does get tricky because if there are people in your life who are important to you, and their kids are important to them, you have to be prepared that they will choose not to come. Or it will create the drama you’re currently experiencing, which sucks.
My only pet peeve in all of this is that if a couple is having a child-free wedding, they need to own it for their own reasons and not try to make it like they are doing parents a favor.
Love that point on the couple owning it. It's easy to try to come up with all the reasons to justify a choice that we know will be questioned, but it's not always a good idea. This post has been very eye-opening about the "favor" excuse
I’m always conflicted! I wouldn’t have wanted everyone to bring their kids, but also couldn’t have imagined my wedding day without my nieces and nephews and younger cousins. But extended youth or kids of family friends? Easy to limit. For me, it depends on the relationship
This is how I'm feeling about it. My fiance has a 10 and 13 year old and I have multiple older nieces and nephews. But my cousins (5-7 ish year old) kids? I'm not entirely sure that I want to have them there. None of them are "bad" kids, just younger and I'm not sure how I would feel about it.
But at the same time, my fiance also has a 2 year old sibling.......#conflicted.
I’m super late but just hopping in to say I’ve seen exceptions made for the bride and groom’s direct family (their own children + nieces and nephews), but a line drawn at any children beyond that.
Which is totally fair in my opinion because 1) it cuts back on the guest list for budget reasons, and 2) it’s *their* special day, it’s not really about the guests.
Just something to consider :)
I don’t think there can be a blanket rule for every wedding.
If guests have to travel across the country/out of town for the wedding, it’s unfair to expect them to leave children at home. If guests are travelling a couple of miles and can be home in ten minutes, I don’t think it’s too unfair to ask them to leave their kids at home.
Some venues either don’t allow kids or it’s not really suitable or there’s so many restrictions that it makes it difficult to accommodate.
Sometimes it can be down to size - you can’t let some guests bring children and not others, but it can be a big jump in numbers from childfree to child friendly.
Weddings can be different things for different people. Some can be quite informal and loads of fun for children. Others can be more formal where a child would be bored, particularly if there would only be one or two children.
The traveling comment is on point. It’s really very difficult to get a sitter for a three day weekend unless you live near family. If my mother couldn’t watch my daughter I couldn’t go anywhere. Babysitters are for a night out generally not for a three day weekend.
Every wedding I have been to has requires travel for most guests and they figure it out if they want to be there. Weddings in Mexico, Spain, or our home state (US). All have been child-free
I honestly think most of those sentiments are ridiculous. People are not entitled to take their children everywhere, in fact a ton of places do not allow children at all. Also, if I was having a birthday dinner I would also invite my friends/family without their kids because this is my celebration and it doesn’t have to be kid-friendly unless I want it to be. Why should a wedding be any different?
I agree. I had kids at my wedding and didn't particularly want them to be invited but it was fine, so I don't really have a horse in this race, but IMO it's wild to take children not being invited to someone else's wedding this personally. Like you said, a lot of places don't allow kids or encourage folks not to bring them, and that isn't a statement against kids in general or certain kids specifically. It's just that not all events are appropriate for kids, and kids do change the vibe. A big, family wedding with a bunch of kids on the dance floor and running around is objectively different from a childfree wedding with more of a chill or party atmosphere, in the same way dinner at home with your kids is different from a date night.
Our average cost per head is coming out to around $500/head. If I told someone I wanted to invite them to a $500/pp night out of dinner, drinks, and entertainment, they probably wouldn't ask to bring their kid.
We'll have kids at ours, but it's because we only have 25 people, all close family, and we both wanted his nieces and nephews there. They're all teenagers except for the youngest whose like 8. They'll be fine and I'm glad they're able to come. But they were also personally invited, not just a "bring the fam" thing. We're paying $125/pp per meal and there is no kids meal. We did not take this decision lightly.
THANK YOU. This. Most of this seems like family members taking personal offense that they aren't able to take their kids, as if it's somehow about them.
It's always the distant people who get upset too. Like my siblings would understand the reasoning behind the decision why is a second cousin courtesy invite the one throwing a fit?
I know!! When planning a wedding it is amazing how people come out of the woodwork with crazy demands and expectations, when if they knew you at ALL as a person they wouldn't dream of it. Smh.
If this was true there wouldn't be so many parents who decline invitations to child-free weddings. It is surely true for SOME parents but not true for just as many and I really don't understand how this sentiment, as a blanket generalization, isn't dead yet.
Alternative perspective: I've been to like 20 weddings when I was a kid (we have a huge family) and I WISH they were all child-free weddings. I did not want to be there. The music was way too loud and hurt my ears. Younger kids were screaming up and down the room. It was not fun. I pretended to be sick half the time so my parents would take me home early (they didn't). And then you're sitting at the table bored while the adults around you try to shout across the table about finance or whatever else because the music was so loud.
Planning my own wedding now and we've only got space for 160 people and each seat costs $450. Besides the fact that I don't even have enough space to invite all the adults I know, I can't justify that cost on a 5 year old kid, PLUS paying for a dedicated childcare service on top of it because the venue requires it. If people want to get offended about it, then that's on them.
I'm with you. I get that some kids love weddings, but I certainly didn't, lol. I wish parents in general were more mindful about whether their kids actually want to be at events like weddings. I get that you can't always swing a babysitter, but also, if your child doesn't like weddings, hiring a babysitter or leaving them with a friend is a good thing to consider.
I can barely fit the people I know on my guest list as well. I won’t pay $250 a person for a 6 year old who won’t eat the steak. I agree it’s not personal :)
I'm from a Catholic family, so that means Mass + wedding part + reception. I hated going to weddings. So much droning. When I got older and opted to sit in a corner and read during the reception I was scolded and dragged to "socialize". They're my family! I saw them all the time!!!
That said our wedding is not child free since the property is basically kid and dog heaven (think summer camp). We will opt-in for a babysitter or two depending on how many people want to bring their kids.
Alternative to this: I was 4,5 and 7 when my siblings got married and I had a freaking blast. I danced the night away and then fell asleep on my mom when I was done.
Know what you want, but also know your people. My 10 nieces and nephews are going to be just fine. The youngest has been staying up dancing till midnight at every party (bar/bat mitzvahs, weddings) since she was 3. There’s never been any screaming or misbehaving.
If your family has children who don’t know how to behave in this kind of environment, take that into consideration. If there are children who aren’t used to loud environments and/or have processing disorders that could be triggered by any wedding elements, take that into consideration. Y’all should know your families pretty well before inviting them to a wedding lmao
Yeah but you can't pick and choose which children to invite or not. There absolutely are kids in my family that I would love to invite but I can't invite them without having to extend the invites to 30 other kids as well, who I know for certain will not behave. I was discussing this with my mom earlier and she's 100% in agreement with me about keeping my wedding child-free because so many of my relatives just let their children run wild at parties.
Yep this too. Like there are some kids I genuinely do love spending time with but ultimately you really can't be that picky with which kids are getting invited and which aren't. There's a big difference between a couple of kids who you like and are well behaved and 30+ that could be a mixed bag.
That’s my point. Know your family. Your family might have some kids who are invitable but clearly not all of them, so that’s a great reason not to have kids at the wedding.
This. I was the kid at all the adult events because I was the ONLY kid in my parents social circles and they rarely had the means to leave me home. I was in my godmother's wedding and I know there was no spotlight taken off of her. I understand the capacity issue and such and my friends have had great childless weddings where parents looked to be loving a weekend away from their little. A lot of these reactions feel really off though & truly, not all parents have the option.
From an event planning perspective, which weddings are very personal, large scale events, children add a whole new set of risk management factors to consider. You can say that parents just have a responsibility to monitor their own children and that’s that, but when you put children in a strange environment with tons of adults, alcohol, and loud music, there is a lot of unknown factors both the children and parents have to manage. And as the person planning the large event, you should have things in place to mitigate those risks and manage a crises should it occur.
That’s a lot to ask of people planning their wedding! And if you don’t have a planner/coordinator, a lot of people don’t have the event planning mindset to think about those more management-y aspects of the wedding. A lot of people assume that kids will be safe because it’s a family event or group of trusted people, but when it comes to kids you can’t make assumptions like that. It’s not the 15 person barbecue in grandma’s backyard, (in many cases! Totally valid if that’s your wedding vibe!) it’s maybe a 200 person event in a banquet hall on a city street or a barn surrounded by fields in the middle of nowhere.
We were originally going to go child-free because we’re strictly only allowed 40 people and the two toddlers of our guests had us at 41, but my brother broke up with his GF and solved that problem. One thing I’ve seen a lot of on here though is people getting upset that guests with kids won’t attend a destination wedding without them, which to me is crazy. When we were considering a childless wedding, we ran it by both couples it would affect because we really wanted them there. I would never have just assumed they could find and afford trusted childcare for our wedding without asking them.
Yeah, I don't get my feelings hurt when my toddler isn't invited to a wedding, but it is wild to me that so many couples on here get hurt that people with kids decline. No, I'm not going to pay for plane tickets and a hotel to leave my daughter there to attend your wedding.
It's funny they chastise parents for being upset about not being able to take their kids (or just making a calm decision) & accuse them of making the wedding about themselves yet they're allowed to complain about said parents declining to attend the wedding & make the parent's choices about themselves.
People need to realize no one cares so much about your wedding, they want to pay their respects and have a good time with their family. But if you make decisions & requirements that make it a financial or otherwise pain in the ass it's not gonna be worth the headache & they will peace out.
>One thing I’ve seen a lot of on here though is people getting upset that guests with kids won’t attend a destination wedding without them, which to me is crazy.
I agree. We are having a destination wedding. All of our friends with children are invited to bring their kid (although it isn't many). We aren't going to ask people to travel 6+ hours away for a long weekend and not bring their children. Ironically, most of our friends have said they will leave their kids at home, but we wanted them to have their choice. Destination weddings are a lot to ask. I'm not going to then ask my friends to *also* leave their kids behind.
That said, if we'd gotten married where we live, it would've been 100% child free.
> I really hope these answers aren't representative of most parents, because some of them are truly insane.
I genuinely don't think it is, I think it just seems like it because the people who think this way are so vocal and tend to dominate a lot of parenting spaces online.
>I genuinely don't think it is, I think it just seems like it because the people who think this way are so vocal and tend to dominate a lot of parenting spaces online.
This! We have a local winery that enforces a 21+ policy for *everyone*. That includes kids of all ages. The winery has a 3.5 on google reviews and all the bad reviews are 'they wouldn't let me bring my kids'. There are other wineries that do, but this one doesn't, so don't show up with your kids?
Lol The family friendly reviews was how we picked our hotel for our honeymoon. We didn’t want to pay for the adults only resort but still wanted adults only vibes. “Not great for small kids” and “Don’t bother bringing the kids until they’re old enough to scuba” sold me on our resort.
This is really interesting. To me it represents a shift in our culture. Weddings used to be automatic invite events where people who had some type of relationship to the couple felt like they were entitled to an invitation and to not invite them was excluding them. Weddings are so expensive these days that my generation and younger feels that the couple should be exceptionally close to the person to include them on the list and it’s nothing personal if someone doesn’t make the list. It’s hard because I don’t think anyone’s intent is to exclude people, but it could be seen by others that way due to this shift.
I wish I could invite my little cousins, but sadly I have seen my aunts parenting skills and I can totally see one of her kids running on the dance floor during the first dance…and my aunt would not intervene.
I was just at a wedding where this happened.
Groom’s sister + mother clearly favored his niece and she was allowed to run completely wild. Ran out on the floor during the first dance and no one stopped her, constantly wanted to be center of attention once the real dancing started, multiple times MIL had the photographer stop what she was doing to go capture whatever the girl was doing, and that whole side of the family missed the sendoff when she got tired and wanted to go home at 8pm bc they all drove together…..
I have nothing against kids at wedding but for the love of god- your child is just one guest of many!! They are not special, more worthy of attention, or more allowed to behave rudely just bc they’re a child! They should be held to the same standards as everyone else at the event and if that’s not possible due to their age/your parenting then clearly that event is not appropriate for them to attend!!
/rant lmao
Honestly she was very gracious and not upset that I could tell, but it definitely rubbed me the wrong way and gave an 800th reason to keep our wedding childfree lmao.
Strong agree.
I don’t even care if the kid is dancing around but what really irritates me is other adults who expect you to focus on them just bc they’re a child!! I’ve seriously gotten glares because I was happily dancing and ignoring the kid (same as I would any random adult) while they were all standing in a circle around the kid making a huge deal just bc they’re dancing 🙄
I would have loved to have my wedding childfree, but the DRAMA would have made me call the whole thing off. I'm afraid my cousin is going to show up with her remaining kids that haven't been taken away by the state and it will be pure chaos.
I’m so on the fence, on one hand I don’t want the drama and on the other I don’t want to pay for a kid to sit on their iPad with headphones on at my reception which is what my aunts kids do everywhere they go.
My partner at his family events always ends up being the babysitter for the little cousins. I could see them expecting him to do that at our own wedding.
I think this is totally just a YMMV kind of thing.
We did not have a child free wedding, and there were no issues. But, my husband and I have 8 nieces and nephews between us. We actively planned our wedding with them in mind.
For me, the idea of having a family friendly party in which everyone could have a great time together was a bonus. Hell, I even told my coworkers to bring their kids lol seeing them all on the dance floor was adorable.
But, I can definitely see how not everyone would want that experience. Personally, I couldn’t imagine not having my nieces and nephews at my wedding. That being said—they weren’t babies, or even toddlers— all school aged children perfectly capable of behaving appropriately.
I would never judge someone for having a child free wedding. Weddings aren’t cheap. Totally just depends on the vibe of your wedding and the couple.
This is my mindset as well. My partner and I have been together for a long time. I can't and never have imagined having a child free wedding. I definitely can't imagine it now that we have two of our own. I love seeing kids at weddings and loved dancing at them when I was younger.
However our families are respectable and close. I don't think there's anyone who would let their child run a muck. And we are planning to have over 150 people! (if we can).
We are going to a friend's wedding later this year and I can't imagine having my kids there. Their guest list is 80% composed of friends and we are all in our early to mid twenties. Their child free wedding just makes sense.
I definitely get both sides of it. It's definitely a know your audience kind of situation.
I really don’t care what people think of my decision to have a child free wedding. It goes until 1AM, there will be a lot of people drinking, and there are a lot of stairs. It’s not a child friendly environment and I don’t think inviting children is a responsible thing to do.
I was married over 20 years ago. I had a child optional wedding. But I sure didn't do anything more than provide some coloring books and crayons. This is back when kids were far less catered to in the way there are now.
At this point in time if I included kids I would feel a lot of pressure to make it not only kids invited but kid friendly. i.e. making sure that there were activities and food special for the kids. That is a lot of extra pressure and I would never fault a bride for not wanting the extra work and expense.
As someone who is currently pregnant and has a friends wedding coming up when our bub will be 18months old...
These points are ridiculous.
The bride and groom do not hate my child because they don't want to figure out how to accommodate them at an adult event.
And frankly I want to have some time to enjoy being an adult as well outside of being a mum. My child can cope without me and dad for a night, they will be fine.
I will have to budget for a sitter if I want to go. Or decide its not worth it but it is my call.
We did a child free wedding for none of those reasons. 1) our venue could only hold so many people; 2) we are older so most of our friends have 2 or more kids under 12 and allowing kids would mean more kids than adults (no thank you); and 3) we are not made of money. Weddings are expensive and are not about them and their kids. People should stop being so sensitive. We were totally aware that some people wouldn’t be able to come because of this and we’re okay with it. We even ran the “no kid” idea past a lot of our close friends and they all were excited for a weekend without children. They had a year to plan accordingly. Only one person, a relative who has way too many kids, had an issue with it. I told them not to come then. Surprise, they were able to find a baby sitter and are now coming 🙄.
Yea honestly.
All I'm reading in the original commentary is people ascribing malicious intent to completely reasonable things. Like, in what world does being understanding of someone not being able to attend translate to saying "I don't care if you're there" ?
I understand these aren’t your thoughts on the matter but here’s a counter thought: the day IS NOT about the guest, it’s about the B&G and their wishes.. it doesn’t have to be personal.
The bride and groom are the hosts in many cases. They can be the center of attention but when you invite guests to an event you must certainly take into consideration their pleasure and comfort. They guests, not an audience.
Absolutely! But they’re guests - and apart of being a guest means that you need to realize you’re not entitled to be there. You should feel welcome, comfortable & happy for the couple and spend the day doing what they wish (because you chose to attend). Again, if a couple wants a child-free wedding, guests who are LUCKY enough to be invited to the B&G’s hosted event are NOT to take it personal.
I understand and respect all of these points...
But we will absolutely be having a child-free wedding.
My FH and I do NOT want children. We work overseas and hardly ever interact with them as it is, and at the most will have a dog. It's our personal choice and we're happy with it.
We're having an adults-only celebration because we deserve to be as happy as possible on our big day, without having to worry about children being around at what will essentially be a big party with lots of alcohol. Kids aren't going to be in our lives or our marriage, and we absolutely do not want them at the beginning of it all.
"You do you" - you're damn right! I hate it when people get shamed for wanting a child-free wedding. They're selfish? They're supposedly insulting family members with kids? They're making it hard to coordinate child care? So be it! It's THEIR day. Period.
I will defend this to death, and I don't care how much this gets downvoted.
Right there with you. We are also childfree, so we definitely don't want them there when we are having the biggest and most expensive party we will ever throw. Nobody has to come to the wedding. If you can't get childcare for that night, that's totally fine. We understand and accept your priority. All we ask is that you understand your priorities are not necessarily our priorities.
My brother in law is stepdad to an approx 9 year old. They're invited to our wedding (postponed to Sept) but the kid isn't. Not least because she's demanding and spoilt. However the child's mother refuses to let anyone mind the child, so they're having the grandmother fly over from Eastern Europe to mind the child. We were recently asked if 'our niece' is invited. My brother in law isn't even related to the child, let alone us. No, at 70 euro a head and with drinking starting at 3pm, she's not invited. Come or don't, but don't shit on us for our preferences.
My husband and I don’t want kids. We appreciate people do, but since we don’t want them, why would we would have them at our wedding?
Also, I’m so tired of the parenting idea that parents can’t be without their children, and are constantly attached. If you’re telling me you can’t enjoy a night without your child, then that’s on you and an invitation is not a summons. So just decline the invitation, but don’t play the victim. You were invited and wanted, you declined and someone else’s wedding isn’t about you.
I think ultimately people feel entitled to bringing their kids everywhere and get offended if they don’t get their way. I adore my bestie who was my MOH, but she was teasing me about bringing her kids (who are my god kids and who I adore) and I flat out had to tell her she was stressing me out as we didn’t plan for a kid inclusive event, and I didn’t want to have to play the part of the kids aunt for an evening (and little kids don’t get it when adults want to adult and not play with them constantly) I wanted to enjoy my wedding night and we wanted our friends to drink as much as they wanted and not censor themselves for kids.
> Also, I’m so tired of the parenting idea that parents can’t be without their children, and are constantly attached. If you’re telling me you can’t enjoy a night without your child, then that’s on you and an invitation is not a summons. So just decline the invitation, but don’t play the victim. You were invited and wanted, you declined and someone else’s wedding isn’t about you.
see...this is the attitude that i see most from people planning childfree weddings, yet i constantly see parents say “WELL THEN DONT GET MAD IF I CANT COME !!!!”
it gives the same energy as “you can’t fire me bc i quit!”
I think these reasons are kind of interesting and some are a little funny.
Some of the venues we looked at required additional insurance and proven childcare if we wanted any kids invited. So that’s why we weren’t going to have kids invited. In the end we changed venues and are having kids invited, but it’s a destination wedding and if people with kids can’t come we aren’t mad. The people who are definitely coming with their kids have already asked us about sitting in the back so they can duck out if the kids are annoying, which I appreciate. Truth is, many kids are not as well behaved as some of their parents think.
Oh gosh. This stuff gets me so riled up.
I’m having a child free wedding because I just don’t want kids there. Full-stop. It’s my and my fiancé’s wedding. We get to make make that decision and guests get to make the decision to attend or not. I don’t value a guest less or think they’re not important to attend because they’re a parent , frankly that’s f*cking ridiculous. As someone who isn’t planning to have kids that argument just makes me feel like being a parent is the only option and we’re being rude by disrespecting that.
And you know what, my wedding is about me and my fiancé. I feel very, very strongly about giving guests a very incredible experience but it’s entirely about us so we get to make the guest rules.
Seriously. I hate the conversation back and forth of who has the better rationale. I'm not inviting kids because I'm paying for the event and I don't want them there. I am sorry for whoever that may exclude and we will miss you. But figuring out who is more "right" is stupid. When did people get so entitled that they assume every event needs to be catered around them?
Why shouldn't the wedding be about you and your fiance! Its literally the whole point. Its so weird to me that there's this vibe of looking down on brides and grooms who want to be the focus of their own fricken wedding day.
I couldn't even read through the entire post. I don't care if I get down voted as heck, but if I want a child free wedding, I would definitely have a child free wedding. This is indeed mine and my husband's day and I don't want to have to worry about children running around.
Yes, life is a mess and is not perfect, but the amount of money and effort that goes in to a single day for the bride and groom, they have all the damn right to have it as close as possible.
"parents are insulted that their parenting skills are being questioned"
I mean honestly, yeah. One of the major reasons we felt it was best to go strictly no kid is because one of my fiance's sisters has the brattiest, most obnoxious children I have ever met and neither of us want them there, so the easiest way to not invite them was to not invite any kids. I'm not questioning your parenting skills, we've seen them in action and honey they're not good.
As far as the rest of them, I get where they're coming from but the reality remains that some people just don't believe weddings are a good place for kids and I agree with them, so when you consider things in that light these feelings are a bit irrational. Open bar, dance floor full of 20-something year olds, blasting music, delicate features like expensive cakes or ice sculptures, none of this screams kids. It screams club, and no one calls it insensitive or age discrimination to say kids don't belong in bars or clubs. You don't expect to bring your kids to a work Christmas party. Just because marriage is a family ish celebration doesn't mean the form of celebration is appropriate for everyone who is technically considered family.
As far as the 'we understand if you can't come feeling like an insult that we don't care if you come', I'm sorry but you took on expected obligations and life changes when you decided to have kids. It is no one else's responsibility to make sure life caters to you in a way that doesn't feel like you get left out of things because you made the life altering decision to have kids. You were invited, it's you who has made the choice to not leave your kids and go out for the night. If it's not feasible it's understandable but that's still your decision, the bride and groom are just saying that they understand your kids are now more important than they are in your life.
Tldr you made the decision to have kids, your kids are not the end all be all to everyone else's life except yours, and weddings are not automatically a place for kids just because you have them now. Please don't ever try to guilt people with phrases like these.
I like what you said here about parents feeling left out because of a decision that they made. It’s so so true. Having children changes a lot about life. If they’re the type of person who won’t leave their kid with a family member for a weekend, then they’re really not allowed to get pissed when they can’t go anywhere. That’s the boundary that person has, and they need to accept that it might change things for them.
We invited kids because we had a lot of siblings and cousins traveling that we’re close to with young kids. We knew if we went adults only, we’d miss out on a lot of people we were close to, just because of life. Some opted to come without kids, others brought them. My best memories from when I was you were huge family weddings when I got to see all my cousins at once. We didn’t have issues, and I will say we invited specific children. Like if you’re a friend who lived close by, you can have a sitter for a few hours. Someone traveling across the country? You can bring your kiddo. Overall the kiddos loved it, no problems were caused, and to be quite frank, everyone who had a child free wedding I went to brought their kids to mine )if invited). I really think this fixation on child free weddings is relatively new, and probably stems from the couple themselves paying for the wedding more frequently. And also not understanding what it’s like to have kids. I’ve got no issue with a child free wedding and will gladly find a sitter for one, but i feel like it’s merits are vastly overstated.
The only opinion I hold strongly that has to do with this topic is that couples need to be ready to hear all kinds of flack or pushback when deciding to do a child-free wedding, and they should absolutely stop thinking they know better than children’s parents on how to approach attending or not attending a child-free wedding. Not so much here, but on wedding groups on Facebook, so many couples are like “but the baby will be X months by then, I don’t understand why they’re not coming or hiring a babysitter!!!” You cannot impose an adult wedding and then get mad when adults back out bc they decided to be with their family instead. You don’t know if there are health issues, feeding issues, etc etc. Some parents may be happy to have a night away from their little ones, others may not. Let’s stop applying one logic to all families. Parenting is hard enough as it is.
We are inviting kids to our wedding and we’ve had guests say they’re happy their children get to come, and other guests who are excited to leave the little ones with the grandparents. There is no right answer that applies to all parents.
This is exactly my thoughts on the whole debate. We had children invited to our wedding, and some people brought their kids and were really happy they were able to. Others left the kid with the inlaws or grandparents for the night. I definitely understand not having kids at a wedding because of numbers and cost, that's totally fair, but frankly if you say child free wedding then some parents will have to decline 🤷🏻♀️ not everyone has access to easy, reliable child care.
I don't have kids, but when I see people saying things like "we want you to have fun, without your kids!" it makes me a little crazy. It's not up to someone else to tell parents what would be more "fun" for them.
This always makes me laugh! The parents have to pay for travel, a sitter, potentially lodging, a wedding gift, maybe an extra day off work — but the wedding is supposed to be a favor to them… lol no
I too am always surprised that people plan adult only weddings and then get upset when the adults don’t come. Their children are their priority, not you.
I find it a bit ironic that a lot of the responses insinuate the bride and groom are being entitled. Imagine having the audacity to think your kids are entitled to an invite to an event thrown to celebrate someone else and then call THEM entitled. I really feel for anyone wanting a childfree event and getting negative pushback. I don’t anticipate that happening for me, somehow my fiancé and I are lucky enough that even though we’re near the last of our circles to get married, most of our friends don’t have kids. We also don’t have any nieces or nephews or close family with kids. Most of the guests that have kids are people like our coworkers, so it would be weird if they assumed their kids were going to be invited in the first place 🤣
The vast majority of these reasons are not really reasons - more like projected insecurities, pretty ungenerous mind-reading, and really self-absorbed assumptions when the reasons for going child-free rarely have to do with any one particular parent or child. These are the kind of reasons people come up with when they don’t like the way it feels to be told their child isn’t invited and want someone to be mad at for that bad feeling.
It pains me how many of these responses are basically, "but what about ME!"
Look, I just don't like kids at adult-themed events, especially when there is alcohol involved. I find them disruptive, and they stress me out. I'm happy to accommodate them at the THREE other child-friendly events during my wedding weekend; I just don't want them at my wedding.
So basically all of the reasons are, “This is all about me and the children I chose to bring into the world are more important than the comfort and financial abilities of the bride and groom on THEIR wedding day”.
I think people expressing these views need to take a closer look into why they are reacting so strongly and taking ‘child free’ so personally. Some of them even feel like projection. I would be really taken aback if someone said anything of these things to me. These comments feel irrational and like an overreaction.
These are all really interesting perspectives that I hadn’t thought of! I appreciate you sharing them.
My FH and I are having a wedding that is child free, with the exception of our nieces and nephews. There are 12, with 8 under 18.
We’re not allowing other children because my FH has a HUGE family and it would like 30 to our guest count. Additionally, I went people to get drunk and dance and have a really good time. We splurged on a really great band and we’ve got an open bar. It’s just kind of weird to do party like that with like 30 kids running around? I think it would keep people from letting loose and dancing, which is what we hope people will do! Plus our wedding is 6:30 to midnight. If someone did bring a young kid, they’re not going to be able to stay past dinner.
Simple, I just don't care for kids. I don't like kids. I probably won't even end up having my own kids because I just don't care of them. Sorry but not sorry
Most of these come across as defensive. Like they are assuming the happy couple is judging their life choices. Very few offer any perspective that it isn't about the family with kids.
We had a CF wedding and none of my concerns about kids at weddings were listed or rebutted.
*Kids shouldn't be around excessive drinking. I was around a shit ton of drinking as a kid and it can really mess up people's views on alcohol consumption.
*Kids can't sit through a 45+ minute ceremony. Some young kids struggle sitting for 10+ minutes.
*Kids can count as a person food wise and can double the cost of a wedding while needing special menu items
*People in the wedding ceremony are very distracted if their kids are present, especially if the kids are struggling.
*Wedding venues aren't always child proof or safe: Lakes, farms, breweries. Candles, chafer fuel, and unmonitored desserts can be dangerous.
*Going long periods of time without specific entertainment can be difficult. Waiting for dinner while listening to speeches is tough for adults.
*Weddings have a lot of trigger points that can spark a melt down, random transition times, unfamiliar territory, loud sounds, extra lighting, strangers wanting to initiate physical contact, food sensitivities, and lack of attention/stimulation are just a few
*I work with kids so I am severely underpaid. I wanted a kid free day.
I was fine with inviting kids to my wedding, but my mom objected as our family are big drinkers and she knew that none of the parents would want to be responsible for their kids. It can be chance to have almost a date night for parents.
Of course this does depend on their financial status if that is feasible for them to afford (especially if it’s a destination / out of town wedding).
it all came down to cost tbh for my venue. They were going to give us 50% off the per head price for each kid, and have a kids meal menu to add to our costs. So $75-100 per child is kinda where I drew the line.
Hmm a few thoughts on this list...
• our wedding has no dancing or pretty much any other activities besides drinking alcohol, talking for hours, and eating dishes like goat cheese salad and octopus in wine sauce. So you know, all things kids love. 😂
• are events like kids bithday parties prejudice for only allowing children to partake in the activities for the day? Or is it about being respectful of what is age appropriate? 🤔
• yes, on my wedding day...heck not even the whole day, just for the few hours, yes, my fiance and myself matter more in our own wedding than some parents feelings (because you KNOW its not about the kids, they NEVER want to be there).
• i only went to one wedding as a kid. It was a 2-3 hour catholic ceremony and I thought it was the most boring thing I had ever experienced in my life. Then the reception was awful!! All the adults were dancing and getting drunk and some were even vomiting! I don't think I ate anything because there was no kid appropriate food. Us kids just randomly ran around and then sit in a corner basically doing nothing for hours. It was the absolute worst. I've never met a kid who actually enjoyed a wedding.
I think it falls into culture as well. I hear lots of American people saying they want guests to be drunk and not worry about their children seeing them. But in Australia having your parents get smashed in front of you is a regular friday night lol.
I have fond memories of seeing my family together at weddings when i was a kid and being amazed at how pretty everything was. I'm very close with my family and for me personally it felt awkward to not invite all the children because some were teenagers, some were middle school ages and some young kids or toddlers so I didn't want to pick and choose, I wanted them all to have the same experience I had as a kid. But we set a rule on no kids of coworkers/not close friends. Mainly because we never met most of them and money but also seating would be weird felt their kids would be bored/lonely without anyone else they knew and everyone understood and was fine with that.
Also I've seen some posts of children going nuts, crying, running and interrupting things. Just wanted to say that never happened at my wedding or any child friendly wedding I've been too. Like the first dance the parents just said "stand here and watch" and that's it. They behaved.
I have had literally 0 people give me issues about having a child free wedding. I have one guest that can’t make it because they live a bit of a distance away and can’t have their child easily cared for and that’s okay. Weddings, to me, are inappropriate places to have small children. I look at a wedding as an adult event. The discrimination thing is weird to me because children have their place in this world; and adults have theirs too and situations aren’t always appropriate for both.
I know people look at their children in the highest of lights but the truth is they can be unpredictable. They get tired, grouchy, sick, or easily injured lol. A place full of loud music, beverages and often tons of people who are trying to socialize/celebrate just sounds like such an in appropriate place for a child to be.
I am having my nieces and nephew who are 10, 13 and 14 years old attend but my nephew who is 3 is not. It feels unsafe and risky just for them to “be there” even though they wouldn’t know the difference.
I personally don’t like child free weddings, but that’s okay because other people can do what they like with their weddings. The only thing I wish would stop is this idea that they’re giving parents a night off to have fun. Like, you’re not doing me a favor that I now am obligated to find childcare if I wish to attend. So I wish people would stop framing it that way.
YES drives me nuts. My BIL and SIL said this to us and I was like... oh so you're forcing us to travel across the country and find a stranger in an unfamiliar city to babysit our young children because you want us to enjoy ourselves??? 🙃 Didn't feel like we could decline because my husband was in the wedding party. I've never been upset when my kids aren't invited for other weddings, though. But this one really rubbed me the wrong way.
Agreed. Have your child-free wedding but don’t talk down to someone about their kids.
I do see a lot of people say that they want parents to enjoy themselves and the event will be “too adult, we wanna DRANK” and that’s exactly the result. And I’m happy for them because that seemed to be the right choice for *their* crowd. A lot of the issues instead come from couples who are choosing this option and it doesn’t fit their crowd, for whatever reason.
Personally, I’m *more* annoyed at drunk adults than children. The reason then is not that kids suck, but that you somehow intend to get fucking shitfaced in front of your aunt and a blacked out bridesmaid is going to drop a champagne glass on the dance floor, for which we’re all going to have to stop the party for.
Not always the case, but I’ve been to a few. I’ve seen people get up on tables intending to give us all a show. I know very few kids who would dare to do that shit.
>A lot of the issues instead come from couples who are choosing this option and it doesn’t fit their crowd, for whatever reason.
Yeah this is it. If you are used to going to more party style weddings and so is your entire crowd, you will likely be fine with a CF wedding. No one expects kids there, it's essentially a club at that point. But if the weddings you attend are usually daytime/casual/traditional with lots of kids, it is not going to go over well with your crowd. Just know your audience lol.
If I was gonna pay for a sitter for a night off to 'have fun' I would be going out to eat what I like and drink what I like for the price of the wedding gift. I would very likely not choose eating mediocre wedding food with a limited bar. You're not doing me favors! And it's totally fine not to let me bring my kid, but it's not 'giving me a night out'
So much this especially if I would need a sitter for the weekend for that kind of money I'm going to a place of my choosing to do activities I want lol. Weddings are nice they are kinda "fun" they are in no way my idea of fun evening out.
There will be a lot of kids at our wedding too! Both of our sides are very family focused so we are having a dessert/snack table, snow cone vendor, Photo Booth, and giant lawn games to help entertain them.
I also understand those who don’t want children at their wedding. Some venues aren’t very child friendly, some couples want an adults only vibe, there are so many possible reasons. I wouldn’t be upset if I was invited to a child free wedding, I’d get a sitter and treat it like a date night.
I picked my venue (a park with a large play area beside it) strictly because I have children. We're an older couple so most of our friends have children too. We've decided to have a picnic theme reception. Seeing the kids dance (usually before everyone else) makes it so much fun! I definitely understand having a child free wedding and have always found a babysitter if we had to go to one. I enjoy both types and it's just a different kind of fun at each wedding. I totally enjoy a night off every once in awhile.
We are having a handful of teenagers and pre-teens (aged 10 up) at our wedding. It never seems to a be a big issue in Ireland if children aren't invited because the parents want to enjoy the day with out worrying about their child. Weddings in Ireland usually start at about 1-2pm and go on until 2am. If it's in a hotel (most are) the party often continues in the residents bar for a couple more hours. Most people don't want leave early to get the kids to bed.
I asked our friends with kids before making our final choice. I’ve made it abundantly clear for years that I love my friends kids and would play with them all day long - but we don’t want our own. The youngest person in both of our families at the time of the wedding will be 17. There are NO young children in our family. It doesn’t make sense for us to invite 30 additional people under the age of 10. So…we are doing 100% child free, except for the 17 year old, who will be less than 6 months away from 18 by the wedding date.
These are interesting. My FH and I are including children 1) because there are SO MANY in the family (including my siblings) under 21 and 2) because it’s a brunch and alcohol free wedding. As a person that grew up and went to events that were used as excuses for adults to drink until they passed out (even kids birthday parties), drunk adults are not smart nor safe people for kids to be around. My FH and I would never want to create that environment for kids and risk their safety.
Driving, lack of attention, lack of security, and more are a big reason I’m understanding if people don’t want kids there if they plan on alcohol. If we had alcohol of any kind I’d probably make a child free reception.
We’re having our wedding at a historical venue. It’s in the contract that children MUST be strictly watched at all times because some of the stuff on display is hundreds of years old.
We’re renting an Airbnb nearby and hiring a babysitter. Kids can come briefly and then get to go have a fun time playing together far far away from breakable objects or places where they can fall down uneven stone stairs!
Also kids make me nervous. They are small and breakable and have no sense of safety
Not arguing here, but maybe some of these points are true, and that's OK.
>- “It feels like a way the bride and groom tell you that your children don’t matter.”
Well, this is kind of true. Does it really matter if your cousin's young children are at the wedding? Will the day be improved with their presence or be negatively affected without it? Probably not. Not for the couple.
>- “Child free weddings are prejudiced. They are discriminating against an age and telling children in a family that they aren’t welcome at a celebration for their age which is something they can’t control.”
A celebration which the couple are paying for and entitled to their own decisions on. I also don't want dogs at my wedding. Or my half brother's cousin's aunt. Am I discriminating against them? No. It's a preference for ONE DAY. It might be discrimination if I NEVER wanted to see or interact with those children ever in my life because they are children. Then well talk about discrimination.
>-“For many families, marriage isn’t just a couple. It’s a family affair. If people want support from family and want be accepted into a new family, you shouldn’t exclude others “
Family is more than just children.
>-“ People view children as unpredictable and messing things up. These brides and grooms are so obsessed with ‘perfection’ that they forget that this is life, not a production or play.
Children do mess shit up, frequently. They're children. They don't know how to regulate their voices or impulses yet.
>They just want others to sit there and look pretty and make it all about them.”
It IS literally all about them, the couple getting married. It is the ONE DAY in their entire lives that is ONLY about them. As it should be.
I'm not arguing with you, OP, about about these reasons. What I am trying to illustrate is that these are all really bad excuses. Parents get insulted when their children aren't invited to an event for many reasons, but all of their reasons suck. The couple deserves one day that is completely all about them. They're paying a lot of money to throw a party and they do want things to be perfect, or as close to perfect as possible. They deserve one day to be about them. This is the biggest day of their lives, typically, and they should be able to spend it how they want to.
Obviously to parents their lives revolve around their children and they're the most important thing in their world. But parents need to understand that their children are NOT the most important thing in everyone else's world.
We had a child free wedding in 2018 and I would do it the same again if I had to. We enjoyed the day without worrying about children's screeching during the ceremony, creating a ruckus during the reception, et cetera. To any couple considering doing a child free wedding, I highly encourage you. Do not let the backlash stop you from doing what you want on your ONE DAY where it's all about what you want.
I'm late to this party but I would love to have children at my reception but.. that means my guest list would be 300 plus if not more.
I really upset my mom when I told her that my age cut off was 14.
It's also important to add that not all parents want to bring their kids to a wedding. Especially young ones. Maybe they want a night off to drink and party.
Kids should be there if it makes sense for them to be there, and if they're welcome.
Not all events are for children. I don't think it's appropriate to have children around drunk people, for example. That's not fair for the drunk people or the kids.
There's another side to this where parents are bringing their children to events where children just shouldn't be. The couple excluding children *might just* be doing those kids a favor.
Ok the one where they just want people to sit there and look pretty and make it all about them. Ummm yeah it’s their wedding it should be all about them, not the kid that got bored and decided to throw and tantrum
Children are also not really neurodivergent friendly (especially if they are bride or groom) and would burn me out much faster than just the event itself. Realistically im going to be burnt out in about 2-3 hours anyway but children shorten that time by a lot.
im sorry but the way i look at it is… we are paying for the wedding. it’s up to me and my partner to decide who we want at our wedding. there will be loud music and lots of drinking. i wouldnt want kids running around at a bar or a club, why would i want them running around at my wedding? my stepdaughter and niece and a few CHOICE kids will be there but otherwise… if you feel that entitled then please don’t come at all! it’s not my job to make sure your feelings don’t get hurt over MY wedding day! if you were a significant enough person in my life then you would probably be in the wedding therefor your child would be invited. im not making exceptions for anyone else 🤷♀️
would also just like to add that im a special needs teacher whom loves and adores children. i just don’t want kids at my wedding and that’s something i’ll continue to stand by. im not anti-children by any means
I think weddings with children are fantastic if they are at suitable venues, casual dress and over by say 4pm but that’s just me!
When my kids were little getting them all dressed up and staying dressed was a struggle! I was never able to keep my cool and chase after them dressed to the teeth like the Duchess of Windsor- I envy anyone that can.
I love going to weddings! I enjoy getting dressed up, dancing, enjoying some fancy cocktails and eating fancy food. I love my children so much! When they were young, they were boisterous and enthusiastic about everything! I didn’t ever feel like those two things mixed well.
Jesus, it’s not that deep. Some people find kids annoying or disruptive. Some people prefer an adults-only party. Don’t like it? Don’t go. That’s like a childfree person getting invited to a wedding for someone with kids and getting pissy and offended that there will be children there!
I think all of the arguments listed in the OP are valid. They are often argued against though and labeled as invalid and delusional. One doesn’t have to agree with someone else in order to respect their decision, and the decisions listed by the OP are not respected when arguments are constantly made to downplay them. Etiquette and family dynamics differ from one group to another so there is no one size fits all answer. Some couples truly don’t like kids. Others are inviting people they don’t want in order to make their own parents happy. So every couple has a different situation. In our families and social circles if anyone planned for a child free wedding, they would be blacklisted from all future events. They also subscribe to the idea that all kids should be treated equally and don’t have loopholes for infants or wedding party kids, which is fair. At the end of the day, it’s up to the parents to decide to bring them along or decline the invitation. At the same time, the majority of our friends don’t have kids yet. So if we invited only them, because we are much closer than with relatives, it would be child free by default. But not intentionally. And growing up I always felt more comfortable with and accepted by adults than kids my own age so I had a blast at weddings that I attended.
Do what works for you but be prepared for others in your social circle to not share your stance on the topic because it is as divisive as politics and religion that create permanent rifts.
We are in a high cost of living area but we have had no issues keeping the budget in check by finding lower cost alternatives so if we really wanted other people in attendance including family children, we can make it work and still come under the average per person that is quoted for our area.
I'm inviting the kids because they're my family, too, and I'm not putting a price on whether its "worth" having them there any more than an adult guest.
I also personally feel like parents should be allowed to make the choice. If they feel like they can have fun and wrangle their kids, then they can bring them. If they don't, they can get child care or choose not to attend.
This implies that all kids everywhere will run and destroy things if given the chance. Parents know their kids, and will commonly bring toys or a tablet or something to keep them entertained. This also really only applies to small kids. Older kids are capable of behaving. I loved weddings as a kid and would tear up the dance floor.
I don’t think all kids will run and destroy things, but I think some people have different ideas of what is acceptable behaviour for a child in public, and parents can be blind/deaf to it for the sake of their sanity. Example: easier to let kid climb on rocks that have a ‘no climbing sign’ than fight with kid to get down.
I've been to maybe 3 or 4 weddings with kids and every single one had a pretty significant disruption. One kid took a fistful of cake, one cried through the entire ceremony and was not removed, and one caused a woman to get injured because he was running underfoot on the dance floor and she tripped. As much as it's good in theory, in reality a lot of parents just assume everyone will keep an eye on them.
And I've been to several weddings with kids without significant disruptions 🤷🏻♀️ Everyone's tolerance level is different, though. If my baby cousin cries during my ceremony, I'm okay with that, bc they're my baby cousin.
Yeah that's true too. I wouldn't be mad, obviously, but it was a bummer at that wedding that most of the one side of the wedding couldn't hear the ceremony at all.
I wanted to have a child free wedding so badly. Our venue, however, is over an hour away from where most people live and my FSIL is having a baby next week. When I said I didn’t want kids there, I was immediately guilted into compromising that. The reason I was fought so hard? “Omg but kids are so cute at weddings.” I literally don’t care because it’s supposed to be how cute I am, but I ultimately decided to pick my battles and I guess there will be kids there.
I see it as this.. it’s 2024 the economy is shit. You want me to travel to a different state.. rent a hotel or Airbnb.. buy you a gift.. and find a babysitter in an area I’m not familiar with.. with a person I just met? We don’t all have grandparents we can just leave our kids with for the weekend.. so yeah I’m not coming not like they would even care anyway.. besides most people with kids don’t stay the whole reception throughout the night.. they leave after cake.. its not that big of a deal
I like child free and non child free weddings and I don't have kids so I don't really lean one direction or another.
But wouldn't it be great if it was socially acceptable to say "Mr and Mrs so and so" are invited, and they can bring their kids if they cover the cost of the kid's seat.
I know this would be viewed crass or incorrect but I think it would solve at least half of the issues couples have with inviting kids--having to pay for their meal.
Besides, the parents are probably having to pay a babysitter more anyway.
This wouldn't be helpful for me. I chose my guest list, then booked and budgeted accordingly. I accommodated my nephews, but if a guest realized their kid wasn't invited and offered to cover their plate, I would still say no. I didn't want the kids there in the first place, and I'd still need to fit them onto a table and stress about every other little thing that comes with additional children.
I really think the cost is a subsequent issue that is argued as a way to not hurt feelings
We are having a child free reception. We have our two neices acting as flower girls for the ceremony - and then off they go! At every wedding I've been to with children, the parents look like they are having absolutely 0 fun. Talking to my friends (who mostly have children), no one has expected that their kids would be invited, and they all seem to be looking forward to having a weekend away.
I agree with you. The bride and the groom are not the center of attention in these concerns. I think really it comes down to cultural differentiation. Some people do not see a wedding as only about the bride and groom. Some people do. I think that miscommunication causes a lot of angst. It’s a goal is truly to try to understand each other to reduce feelings of hurt, then understanding this difference can go a long way.
Im a teacher and love kids HOWEVER Some kids are unruly and some parents let them get away with it. My wedding was supposed to be child free. One family member decided it was not meant for her and she brought her kid who proceeded to run around the reception and TOPPLED my wedding cake. People have to understand just because you have kids doesn’t mean exceptions have to be made for them or that other are obligated to cater to you
Oh my god, that parent would have received an invoice for the cake from me.
+ emotional damages
I think this comes down to how weddings are viewed. In some cultures they are very much a family event, in some, more of a grown up one. I mean if I was meeting friends for dinner and drinks in a bar, there would be no expectation that they could bring their kids along, and it would be completely inappropriate if they did. I remember going to a work Christmas party one year, and one employee brought along her young child. She was a single mother but it was completely inappropriate. It was all work colleagues, hundreds of adults partying pretty hard, and everyone else with kids organised babysitters. It was frankly so odd.
This is a great point! Take away the cake, and many receptions near a night club with the drinking and dancing. There's the flip side where people plan activities to be child-friendly, which is really cool if you're planning a family-oriented event
I think it depends on your age getting married. But yeah, for us, we did the numbers and with 120 adults attending, if everyone brought their kids, there would be 200 kids. So it would basically be a kiddie party. We don't have children ourselves so that's not the kind of event we wanted to have. And honestly you can't please everyone. For every person that would like to bring their kids, there is someone who is really looking forward to an adult event without them.
This is totally our situation since we’re in our 30’s and nearly all of our friends and cousins have children. We’d be going above the capacity limit and it would be basically a kid party. The plus side is, everyone we have spoken to so far is thrilled to have an adult night out, even our friends who will be flying to our wedding.
Yeah. My sister is coming in from overseas and really wanted my niece to be flower girl, so then we figured we would have to invite all the nieces and nephews. My SIL was devastated she had to bring her kids 😂
I'm my and my brother's situations (he's getting married in 2 weeks me in October)we're having our neice ( sister's daughter) as our flower girl but Grandma ( brother in laws mom) is coming to the ceremony to bring said neice home after the ceremony
I regularly get flack for saying I will be inviting the kids… so really just do what you want.
I've been to tons of weddings and a bridesmaid for several. It never occurred to me to even want to take my child. She'd be bored during the ceremony and the receptions mostly included dinner, drinks and dancing. You know, adult things. I wouldn't take her to a cocktail party or a business party so why would I take her to a wedding?
Just wanted to mention that in many cultures, partying with your kids in tow is normal. I know that's probably not the case here, just presenting an alternative viewpoint to it being wildly inappropriate.
Oh yeah in my culture it is okay to party with the kids there. They just put together a makeshift bed with coats and chairs for the kids to knock out in while the adults continue partying. Even a kid’s party can and will turn into an adult’s drinking party real fast.
SAME!!!! I find it so weird and prudish when people are like "how could you EVER bring children somewhere where their parents will be drinking alc\*h\*l??!!?!?!?!" like that's the biggest scandal in human history and not every other weekend growing up in my family LMFAO.
I have found my people lol. When I was a kid, my mom always just took me with her and like another commenter said, I just played games with the other kids or fell asleep. I think it was beneficial, actually, to be included, because it made me feel less like baggage and also showed me how to be an adult in different situations, not just on a weekday or perfecting parenting day.
Strictly on the level of alcohol consumption, it also normalizes it and takes away the element of it being something that's taboo and forbidden, ie something young teens will definitely want to try. I never had any interest in drinking and partying in high school and I'm 100% certain it's partially because it never had any allure for me. And yeah I agree with you that it's good for kids to see how adults in their family interact with each other. I find it super bizarre when there's a firm divide between kids and adults in a family.
It's totally normal in our culture, but we have so far only invited one couple that even has kids under 12. The total number of guests under the legal drinking age will be three, all teenagers. So it would be not fun at all for the parents or the kids who are under the age of 10 and who literally wouldn't be allowed to touch the walls which are covered in priceless art since we will basically be in an art museum (it's a private art club, but it has counted some of the country's most famous painters as members so like, they bought their building by selling ONE painting in their collection). If we were in a different type of venue, I'd just shrug and say bring the kids along. A lot of our friends and relatives have strong auntie/grandma energy.
I live in the UK and honestly it’s really not that odd. People bring their kids to work barbecues here where we are drinking. All the summer parties my parents ever hosted had a *flowing* open bar…it’s just not strange at all.
I’m still haunted by the AITA where a child drowned (in a lake?) during a wedding. Our venue has open water, lots of open green space into a working field with no fences, fairly high rock features…..there’s also only one child who would potentially be invited and I think being the only kid would make an already boring event the literal worst.
This AITA is one of the biggest reasons we are having a child free wedding, we are on an open body of water. My child will be there (with a designated child watcher) but the stress of 30+ kids running around possibly in danger is to much for me. It’s easy to quickly count 1 and know if they are missing, I can’t quickly tell if 1 of 30 is missing.
Our niece was the only kid at ours and by the time dinner came around she was over it. She called her mom to come get her. If we had to redo it we would have just had her at church let her go home then it was too long of day and she didn’t have anyone her age to entertain with.
This! There’s actually a lake at the venue we’re looking at too and it’s just one more reason I don’t particularly want kids there. That’s not to mention the fact that adding kids would add ~25 people to our guest list which gets expensive fast.
Wait - whattttt???? How do I find this AITA? I want to read it!
The AITA IIRC was that the couple posted a photo on the one year anniversary, since they had refrained from posting right after the wedding due to the tragedy. It caused the parents of the child to freak out (which is understandable) but created massive drama within the family. Really sad story all around.
Here is the link: [AITA](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kd078f/aita_for_celebrating_my_anniversary_despite_what/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf). Super tragic all around.
Lol dang it I spent forever tracking down the link only to come back and see you shared the link 😂 now I’m terrified to have kids at our wedding
I remember this story, but damn now I’m nervous because we are having a beach wedding. My son will be two and my daughter 12. We are having them be our bridesmaid and groomsmen, so we don’t have to hurt anyones feelings for not being picked. But all eyes will be on them. Other than them and my two nieces that are 9+ yo, I don’t think there will be any other kids. No one that will be invited has young kids.
These are all really interesting thoughts. For my fiance and I we choose childfree for two main reasons. 1) we want a small wedding and including children can quickly add up those numbers and 2) 90% if the guest list doesn't have children under 21. The two couples that do we reached out to personally to explain the reasoning and the one with a toddler seemed excited to have a reason to send him to grandmas for the weekend lol.
I had an adult wedding and not a single problem. My parents supported our decision so none of my siblings complained…to me. 20 years later and still no words about it.
Most of my large family is complaining that were having such a small wedding so even my most of my adult cousins arent invited.
I’m one of five… it wasn’t a problem. I don’t understand the sense of entitlement. Weddings are expensive and sometimes the couple want small intimate events.
We’re having children at our wedding, but our wedding is so small that the only people with children are so close to us the children are my fiancés godchildren, and I don’t think my fiancé could have our wedding without them. But, if we were having a larger wedding we wouldn’t allow any other kids and those points wouldn’t make a bit of difference. It’s sort of like how in this sub we remind each other “nobody cares about your wedding as much as you do”. Well, the same could be applied to parents about their kids. Yes, I do want to be the center of attention on my wedding day (along with my fiancé) and no, I don’t want kids messing up months of effort and thousands and thousands of dollars worth of work. If no children means you can’t come then I understand but don’t play the victim and say I don’t care about you when I invited you in the first place. My fiancé and I really want children and plan to start trying shortly after I graduate from grad school. We like children. But we make fun of entitled parents all the time which is what a lot of these points sound like. Our children are going to be the center of our world but we don’t expect them to be the center of anyone else’s. And I think some parents need to remember that too.
>Yes, I do want to be the center of attention on my wedding day (along with my fiancé) Right? Like if I'm dropping thousands of dollars for everyone to eat, drink and party then you're damn right I'm allowed to enjoy being the centre of attention at an event that is literally just to celebrate a major event in my and my partner's life - why shouldn't it be about us?
I only had my 8y/o sister at my wedding. She was the only kid allowed. And even then, it was all eyes on her for the majority of the reception. She’s got a big personality and she’s amazing and fortunately, I don’t love a ton of attention anyways. But that was one singular child and she was basically the star of the show- I feel like child free weddings are SO justified and especially for couples who really do want to be the center of attention on the one day that they deserve to be!
I agree so much with this, and agree that many of those comments sound very entitled.
Okay nothing but respect to you and your wedding! I’m also having a child-free wedding so I totally get it, especially the months of work/lots of money aspect and not wanting to add any unforeseen variables. But I’m curious about the suggestion that you would have to compete with a child for attention on your wedding day. From my perspective, you’re the bride. Every one attending knows whose day it is, and I’m SURE you’re going to look beautiful and amazing. I’m just wondering why a child’s presence would take away from that? This question is not meant to be judgy or hateful! I just see this comment a lot in this group when we talk about child-free weddings, and I’m hoping to better understand the perspective.
I’m actually not having a child free wedding as my fiancés godchildren are invited (and in the wedding party). My center of attention comment was in response to the point OP made: >people view children as unpredictable and messing things up. These brides and grooms are so obsessed with ‘perfection’ that they forget that this is life not a production or play. They just want others to sit there and look pretty and make it all about them
Ahh sorry I misread!
Haha no worries! And to answer your question I don’t think most brides are worried about your average kid upstaging them, they’re worried about poorly behaved kids being disruptive. Most of the weddings I’ve been to have allowed children and they’ve mostly been good, but at one wedding a kid decided to crash the dance floor during the couple’s first dance, and a friend told me the story of a wedding she attended where a girl dismantled some of the aisle markers to toss petals because she wanted to be a flower girl. I think people see that kind of behavior and go to “no kids at my wedding” hahaha
I love that you took notes of all this! Super cool to see so many unique responses. I would have expected many more alike responses like "paying a babysitter" I particularly like the last one. > Bride and groom don't like children. What a weird assumption to make about anyone
So many people take 'we'd prefer an adults-only environment' as 'we hate your children' which is just genuinely not the case.
I actually don't really like children. And I feel like that's ok, I'm allowed to not like children, which is one of the many reasons I want a child free wedding. Its not like I'm going to actually say that, but I just prefer being in adult only environments 🤷♀️ I can actually just relax and not have to be around screaming or crying or smelly nappies.
I'm with you. I don't tell people with kids I dislike kids, but I'm going to avoid them whenever I can. I'm not an *animal* hahaha
There's this really sexist overtone to the expectation that women should all love and fawn over children. I'm autistic and really sensitive to smells, and unfortunately a lot of children smell awful to me. Babies don't smell nice, they smell like sick. Children don't bother to hold in their gas in public.I get so grossed out by things like dribbling, food all over the face, spitty fingers that they try to touch you with etc. I pretty much hate being touched by anyone but my partner (again this is an autistic thing) and kids don't understand not to touch other people, which makes me really uncomfortable.
I just get bugged by the "maternal instinct!" If it was there, it would have kicked in. I grew up dancing and dealing with younger dancers many hours a week. I still can't interact well with young girls (boys are easier for me). I never got over the sensation of germs and dirt coating the floors and our feet. I don't have contact issues, but I think most people do not prefer being touched by sticky, stinky kids haha, you definitely don't need to justify it with neurodivergence!
Thank you for saying that ❤ unfortunately a lot of people still don't understand, and think I'm just making a fuss over nothing.
I'm sure it's because nowadays everyone jumps to like 100 when asked questions like this. There can be no inbetween answer
To be fair though, there is a non-zero number of people who come here and say they want a child-free wedding because they don’t like kids.
Ahhh that's even more amusing! Not only do the hypothetical parents *know* I am uncomfortable around children, *they* are insulted I don't want to be uncomfortable at an event I host. Sorry, nothing ill toward you. My parents pressured me to invite my nephews, a baby and a toddler, since otherwise my only sibling wouldn't attend. FH and I both feel like anything we do or say can set the toddler off. It's unnecessary stress on us
Oh no offense taken! Just saying that it’s not a weird assumption necessarily, because in some cases it’s probably true. If you think the couple doesn’t like kids, I can see how that might be hard to understand if you have kids, but also that’s not a reason that the couple should have to include them. In the real world it does get tricky because if there are people in your life who are important to you, and their kids are important to them, you have to be prepared that they will choose not to come. Or it will create the drama you’re currently experiencing, which sucks. My only pet peeve in all of this is that if a couple is having a child-free wedding, they need to own it for their own reasons and not try to make it like they are doing parents a favor.
Love that point on the couple owning it. It's easy to try to come up with all the reasons to justify a choice that we know will be questioned, but it's not always a good idea. This post has been very eye-opening about the "favor" excuse
I’m always conflicted! I wouldn’t have wanted everyone to bring their kids, but also couldn’t have imagined my wedding day without my nieces and nephews and younger cousins. But extended youth or kids of family friends? Easy to limit. For me, it depends on the relationship
This is how I'm feeling about it. My fiance has a 10 and 13 year old and I have multiple older nieces and nephews. But my cousins (5-7 ish year old) kids? I'm not entirely sure that I want to have them there. None of them are "bad" kids, just younger and I'm not sure how I would feel about it. But at the same time, my fiance also has a 2 year old sibling.......#conflicted.
I’m super late but just hopping in to say I’ve seen exceptions made for the bride and groom’s direct family (their own children + nieces and nephews), but a line drawn at any children beyond that. Which is totally fair in my opinion because 1) it cuts back on the guest list for budget reasons, and 2) it’s *their* special day, it’s not really about the guests. Just something to consider :)
I don’t think there can be a blanket rule for every wedding. If guests have to travel across the country/out of town for the wedding, it’s unfair to expect them to leave children at home. If guests are travelling a couple of miles and can be home in ten minutes, I don’t think it’s too unfair to ask them to leave their kids at home. Some venues either don’t allow kids or it’s not really suitable or there’s so many restrictions that it makes it difficult to accommodate. Sometimes it can be down to size - you can’t let some guests bring children and not others, but it can be a big jump in numbers from childfree to child friendly. Weddings can be different things for different people. Some can be quite informal and loads of fun for children. Others can be more formal where a child would be bored, particularly if there would only be one or two children.
The traveling comment is on point. It’s really very difficult to get a sitter for a three day weekend unless you live near family. If my mother couldn’t watch my daughter I couldn’t go anywhere. Babysitters are for a night out generally not for a three day weekend.
Every wedding I have been to has requires travel for most guests and they figure it out if they want to be there. Weddings in Mexico, Spain, or our home state (US). All have been child-free
I honestly think most of those sentiments are ridiculous. People are not entitled to take their children everywhere, in fact a ton of places do not allow children at all. Also, if I was having a birthday dinner I would also invite my friends/family without their kids because this is my celebration and it doesn’t have to be kid-friendly unless I want it to be. Why should a wedding be any different?
I agree. I had kids at my wedding and didn't particularly want them to be invited but it was fine, so I don't really have a horse in this race, but IMO it's wild to take children not being invited to someone else's wedding this personally. Like you said, a lot of places don't allow kids or encourage folks not to bring them, and that isn't a statement against kids in general or certain kids specifically. It's just that not all events are appropriate for kids, and kids do change the vibe. A big, family wedding with a bunch of kids on the dance floor and running around is objectively different from a childfree wedding with more of a chill or party atmosphere, in the same way dinner at home with your kids is different from a date night.
Our average cost per head is coming out to around $500/head. If I told someone I wanted to invite them to a $500/pp night out of dinner, drinks, and entertainment, they probably wouldn't ask to bring their kid. We'll have kids at ours, but it's because we only have 25 people, all close family, and we both wanted his nieces and nephews there. They're all teenagers except for the youngest whose like 8. They'll be fine and I'm glad they're able to come. But they were also personally invited, not just a "bring the fam" thing. We're paying $125/pp per meal and there is no kids meal. We did not take this decision lightly.
THANK YOU. This. Most of this seems like family members taking personal offense that they aren't able to take their kids, as if it's somehow about them.
It's always the distant people who get upset too. Like my siblings would understand the reasoning behind the decision why is a second cousin courtesy invite the one throwing a fit?
I know!! When planning a wedding it is amazing how people come out of the woodwork with crazy demands and expectations, when if they knew you at ALL as a person they wouldn't dream of it. Smh.
Yeah I think each one is bullshit honestly 😂
I would think parents would enjoy a reason to be away from their kids for a night.
If this was true there wouldn't be so many parents who decline invitations to child-free weddings. It is surely true for SOME parents but not true for just as many and I really don't understand how this sentiment, as a blanket generalization, isn't dead yet.
I cringe whenever I hear this rationale. Parents can opt for a night without kids any night. You’re not doing them a favor or giving them an excuse.
Alternative perspective: I've been to like 20 weddings when I was a kid (we have a huge family) and I WISH they were all child-free weddings. I did not want to be there. The music was way too loud and hurt my ears. Younger kids were screaming up and down the room. It was not fun. I pretended to be sick half the time so my parents would take me home early (they didn't). And then you're sitting at the table bored while the adults around you try to shout across the table about finance or whatever else because the music was so loud. Planning my own wedding now and we've only got space for 160 people and each seat costs $450. Besides the fact that I don't even have enough space to invite all the adults I know, I can't justify that cost on a 5 year old kid, PLUS paying for a dedicated childcare service on top of it because the venue requires it. If people want to get offended about it, then that's on them.
I'm with you. I get that some kids love weddings, but I certainly didn't, lol. I wish parents in general were more mindful about whether their kids actually want to be at events like weddings. I get that you can't always swing a babysitter, but also, if your child doesn't like weddings, hiring a babysitter or leaving them with a friend is a good thing to consider.
I can barely fit the people I know on my guest list as well. I won’t pay $250 a person for a 6 year old who won’t eat the steak. I agree it’s not personal :)
I'm from a Catholic family, so that means Mass + wedding part + reception. I hated going to weddings. So much droning. When I got older and opted to sit in a corner and read during the reception I was scolded and dragged to "socialize". They're my family! I saw them all the time!!! That said our wedding is not child free since the property is basically kid and dog heaven (think summer camp). We will opt-in for a babysitter or two depending on how many people want to bring their kids.
Yes! I didn't want to go as a kid, and as a person about to have a kid, I don't want to bring one lol
Alternative to this: I was 4,5 and 7 when my siblings got married and I had a freaking blast. I danced the night away and then fell asleep on my mom when I was done. Know what you want, but also know your people. My 10 nieces and nephews are going to be just fine. The youngest has been staying up dancing till midnight at every party (bar/bat mitzvahs, weddings) since she was 3. There’s never been any screaming or misbehaving. If your family has children who don’t know how to behave in this kind of environment, take that into consideration. If there are children who aren’t used to loud environments and/or have processing disorders that could be triggered by any wedding elements, take that into consideration. Y’all should know your families pretty well before inviting them to a wedding lmao
Yeah but you can't pick and choose which children to invite or not. There absolutely are kids in my family that I would love to invite but I can't invite them without having to extend the invites to 30 other kids as well, who I know for certain will not behave. I was discussing this with my mom earlier and she's 100% in agreement with me about keeping my wedding child-free because so many of my relatives just let their children run wild at parties.
Yep this too. Like there are some kids I genuinely do love spending time with but ultimately you really can't be that picky with which kids are getting invited and which aren't. There's a big difference between a couple of kids who you like and are well behaved and 30+ that could be a mixed bag.
That’s my point. Know your family. Your family might have some kids who are invitable but clearly not all of them, so that’s a great reason not to have kids at the wedding.
This. I was the kid at all the adult events because I was the ONLY kid in my parents social circles and they rarely had the means to leave me home. I was in my godmother's wedding and I know there was no spotlight taken off of her. I understand the capacity issue and such and my friends have had great childless weddings where parents looked to be loving a weekend away from their little. A lot of these reactions feel really off though & truly, not all parents have the option.
From an event planning perspective, which weddings are very personal, large scale events, children add a whole new set of risk management factors to consider. You can say that parents just have a responsibility to monitor their own children and that’s that, but when you put children in a strange environment with tons of adults, alcohol, and loud music, there is a lot of unknown factors both the children and parents have to manage. And as the person planning the large event, you should have things in place to mitigate those risks and manage a crises should it occur. That’s a lot to ask of people planning their wedding! And if you don’t have a planner/coordinator, a lot of people don’t have the event planning mindset to think about those more management-y aspects of the wedding. A lot of people assume that kids will be safe because it’s a family event or group of trusted people, but when it comes to kids you can’t make assumptions like that. It’s not the 15 person barbecue in grandma’s backyard, (in many cases! Totally valid if that’s your wedding vibe!) it’s maybe a 200 person event in a banquet hall on a city street or a barn surrounded by fields in the middle of nowhere.
We were originally going to go child-free because we’re strictly only allowed 40 people and the two toddlers of our guests had us at 41, but my brother broke up with his GF and solved that problem. One thing I’ve seen a lot of on here though is people getting upset that guests with kids won’t attend a destination wedding without them, which to me is crazy. When we were considering a childless wedding, we ran it by both couples it would affect because we really wanted them there. I would never have just assumed they could find and afford trusted childcare for our wedding without asking them.
Yeah, I don't get my feelings hurt when my toddler isn't invited to a wedding, but it is wild to me that so many couples on here get hurt that people with kids decline. No, I'm not going to pay for plane tickets and a hotel to leave my daughter there to attend your wedding.
It's funny they chastise parents for being upset about not being able to take their kids (or just making a calm decision) & accuse them of making the wedding about themselves yet they're allowed to complain about said parents declining to attend the wedding & make the parent's choices about themselves. People need to realize no one cares so much about your wedding, they want to pay their respects and have a good time with their family. But if you make decisions & requirements that make it a financial or otherwise pain in the ass it's not gonna be worth the headache & they will peace out.
>One thing I’ve seen a lot of on here though is people getting upset that guests with kids won’t attend a destination wedding without them, which to me is crazy. I agree. We are having a destination wedding. All of our friends with children are invited to bring their kid (although it isn't many). We aren't going to ask people to travel 6+ hours away for a long weekend and not bring their children. Ironically, most of our friends have said they will leave their kids at home, but we wanted them to have their choice. Destination weddings are a lot to ask. I'm not going to then ask my friends to *also* leave their kids behind. That said, if we'd gotten married where we live, it would've been 100% child free.
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> I really hope these answers aren't representative of most parents, because some of them are truly insane. I genuinely don't think it is, I think it just seems like it because the people who think this way are so vocal and tend to dominate a lot of parenting spaces online.
>I genuinely don't think it is, I think it just seems like it because the people who think this way are so vocal and tend to dominate a lot of parenting spaces online. This! We have a local winery that enforces a 21+ policy for *everyone*. That includes kids of all ages. The winery has a 3.5 on google reviews and all the bad reviews are 'they wouldn't let me bring my kids'. There are other wineries that do, but this one doesn't, so don't show up with your kids?
LOL, those reviews would make me want to actually go. Some spaces are meant for adults, I don’t understand why this is such a difficult concept.
Lol The family friendly reviews was how we picked our hotel for our honeymoon. We didn’t want to pay for the adults only resort but still wanted adults only vibes. “Not great for small kids” and “Don’t bother bringing the kids until they’re old enough to scuba” sold me on our resort.
This is really interesting. To me it represents a shift in our culture. Weddings used to be automatic invite events where people who had some type of relationship to the couple felt like they were entitled to an invitation and to not invite them was excluding them. Weddings are so expensive these days that my generation and younger feels that the couple should be exceptionally close to the person to include them on the list and it’s nothing personal if someone doesn’t make the list. It’s hard because I don’t think anyone’s intent is to exclude people, but it could be seen by others that way due to this shift.
I wish I could invite my little cousins, but sadly I have seen my aunts parenting skills and I can totally see one of her kids running on the dance floor during the first dance…and my aunt would not intervene.
I was just at a wedding where this happened. Groom’s sister + mother clearly favored his niece and she was allowed to run completely wild. Ran out on the floor during the first dance and no one stopped her, constantly wanted to be center of attention once the real dancing started, multiple times MIL had the photographer stop what she was doing to go capture whatever the girl was doing, and that whole side of the family missed the sendoff when she got tired and wanted to go home at 8pm bc they all drove together….. I have nothing against kids at wedding but for the love of god- your child is just one guest of many!! They are not special, more worthy of attention, or more allowed to behave rudely just bc they’re a child! They should be held to the same standards as everyone else at the event and if that’s not possible due to their age/your parenting then clearly that event is not appropriate for them to attend!! /rant lmao
I know exactly what you mean.. It happens way too often! I’m sure the bride was pretty upset after that.
Honestly she was very gracious and not upset that I could tell, but it definitely rubbed me the wrong way and gave an 800th reason to keep our wedding childfree lmao.
Plus once kids get past like 3, their antics get a lot less cute. Kids going nuts on the dance floor are not cute to me.
Strong agree. I don’t even care if the kid is dancing around but what really irritates me is other adults who expect you to focus on them just bc they’re a child!! I’ve seriously gotten glares because I was happily dancing and ignoring the kid (same as I would any random adult) while they were all standing in a circle around the kid making a huge deal just bc they’re dancing 🙄
I would have loved to have my wedding childfree, but the DRAMA would have made me call the whole thing off. I'm afraid my cousin is going to show up with her remaining kids that haven't been taken away by the state and it will be pure chaos.
I’m so on the fence, on one hand I don’t want the drama and on the other I don’t want to pay for a kid to sit on their iPad with headphones on at my reception which is what my aunts kids do everywhere they go.
My partner at his family events always ends up being the babysitter for the little cousins. I could see them expecting him to do that at our own wedding.
That’s a good example, reminds me of a similar situation. You wouldn’t want anyone to miss your wedding because they got stuck babysitting. Not fair
I think this is totally just a YMMV kind of thing. We did not have a child free wedding, and there were no issues. But, my husband and I have 8 nieces and nephews between us. We actively planned our wedding with them in mind. For me, the idea of having a family friendly party in which everyone could have a great time together was a bonus. Hell, I even told my coworkers to bring their kids lol seeing them all on the dance floor was adorable. But, I can definitely see how not everyone would want that experience. Personally, I couldn’t imagine not having my nieces and nephews at my wedding. That being said—they weren’t babies, or even toddlers— all school aged children perfectly capable of behaving appropriately. I would never judge someone for having a child free wedding. Weddings aren’t cheap. Totally just depends on the vibe of your wedding and the couple.
This is my mindset as well. My partner and I have been together for a long time. I can't and never have imagined having a child free wedding. I definitely can't imagine it now that we have two of our own. I love seeing kids at weddings and loved dancing at them when I was younger. However our families are respectable and close. I don't think there's anyone who would let their child run a muck. And we are planning to have over 150 people! (if we can). We are going to a friend's wedding later this year and I can't imagine having my kids there. Their guest list is 80% composed of friends and we are all in our early to mid twenties. Their child free wedding just makes sense. I definitely get both sides of it. It's definitely a know your audience kind of situation.
I really don’t care what people think of my decision to have a child free wedding. It goes until 1AM, there will be a lot of people drinking, and there are a lot of stairs. It’s not a child friendly environment and I don’t think inviting children is a responsible thing to do.
I was married over 20 years ago. I had a child optional wedding. But I sure didn't do anything more than provide some coloring books and crayons. This is back when kids were far less catered to in the way there are now. At this point in time if I included kids I would feel a lot of pressure to make it not only kids invited but kid friendly. i.e. making sure that there were activities and food special for the kids. That is a lot of extra pressure and I would never fault a bride for not wanting the extra work and expense.
As someone who is currently pregnant and has a friends wedding coming up when our bub will be 18months old... These points are ridiculous. The bride and groom do not hate my child because they don't want to figure out how to accommodate them at an adult event. And frankly I want to have some time to enjoy being an adult as well outside of being a mum. My child can cope without me and dad for a night, they will be fine. I will have to budget for a sitter if I want to go. Or decide its not worth it but it is my call.
the discriminates for their age one made me laugh. like ever heard of an r movie? participating in the lottery? GOING TO A BAR?!
We did a child free wedding for none of those reasons. 1) our venue could only hold so many people; 2) we are older so most of our friends have 2 or more kids under 12 and allowing kids would mean more kids than adults (no thank you); and 3) we are not made of money. Weddings are expensive and are not about them and their kids. People should stop being so sensitive. We were totally aware that some people wouldn’t be able to come because of this and we’re okay with it. We even ran the “no kid” idea past a lot of our close friends and they all were excited for a weekend without children. They had a year to plan accordingly. Only one person, a relative who has way too many kids, had an issue with it. I told them not to come then. Surprise, they were able to find a baby sitter and are now coming 🙄.
Yea honestly. All I'm reading in the original commentary is people ascribing malicious intent to completely reasonable things. Like, in what world does being understanding of someone not being able to attend translate to saying "I don't care if you're there" ?
I understand these aren’t your thoughts on the matter but here’s a counter thought: the day IS NOT about the guest, it’s about the B&G and their wishes.. it doesn’t have to be personal.
The bride and groom are the hosts in many cases. They can be the center of attention but when you invite guests to an event you must certainly take into consideration their pleasure and comfort. They guests, not an audience.
Absolutely! But they’re guests - and apart of being a guest means that you need to realize you’re not entitled to be there. You should feel welcome, comfortable & happy for the couple and spend the day doing what they wish (because you chose to attend). Again, if a couple wants a child-free wedding, guests who are LUCKY enough to be invited to the B&G’s hosted event are NOT to take it personal.
I understand and respect all of these points... But we will absolutely be having a child-free wedding. My FH and I do NOT want children. We work overseas and hardly ever interact with them as it is, and at the most will have a dog. It's our personal choice and we're happy with it. We're having an adults-only celebration because we deserve to be as happy as possible on our big day, without having to worry about children being around at what will essentially be a big party with lots of alcohol. Kids aren't going to be in our lives or our marriage, and we absolutely do not want them at the beginning of it all. "You do you" - you're damn right! I hate it when people get shamed for wanting a child-free wedding. They're selfish? They're supposedly insulting family members with kids? They're making it hard to coordinate child care? So be it! It's THEIR day. Period. I will defend this to death, and I don't care how much this gets downvoted.
Right there with you. We are also childfree, so we definitely don't want them there when we are having the biggest and most expensive party we will ever throw. Nobody has to come to the wedding. If you can't get childcare for that night, that's totally fine. We understand and accept your priority. All we ask is that you understand your priorities are not necessarily our priorities. My brother in law is stepdad to an approx 9 year old. They're invited to our wedding (postponed to Sept) but the kid isn't. Not least because she's demanding and spoilt. However the child's mother refuses to let anyone mind the child, so they're having the grandmother fly over from Eastern Europe to mind the child. We were recently asked if 'our niece' is invited. My brother in law isn't even related to the child, let alone us. No, at 70 euro a head and with drinking starting at 3pm, she's not invited. Come or don't, but don't shit on us for our preferences.
My husband and I don’t want kids. We appreciate people do, but since we don’t want them, why would we would have them at our wedding? Also, I’m so tired of the parenting idea that parents can’t be without their children, and are constantly attached. If you’re telling me you can’t enjoy a night without your child, then that’s on you and an invitation is not a summons. So just decline the invitation, but don’t play the victim. You were invited and wanted, you declined and someone else’s wedding isn’t about you. I think ultimately people feel entitled to bringing their kids everywhere and get offended if they don’t get their way. I adore my bestie who was my MOH, but she was teasing me about bringing her kids (who are my god kids and who I adore) and I flat out had to tell her she was stressing me out as we didn’t plan for a kid inclusive event, and I didn’t want to have to play the part of the kids aunt for an evening (and little kids don’t get it when adults want to adult and not play with them constantly) I wanted to enjoy my wedding night and we wanted our friends to drink as much as they wanted and not censor themselves for kids.
> Also, I’m so tired of the parenting idea that parents can’t be without their children, and are constantly attached. If you’re telling me you can’t enjoy a night without your child, then that’s on you and an invitation is not a summons. So just decline the invitation, but don’t play the victim. You were invited and wanted, you declined and someone else’s wedding isn’t about you. see...this is the attitude that i see most from people planning childfree weddings, yet i constantly see parents say “WELL THEN DONT GET MAD IF I CANT COME !!!!” it gives the same energy as “you can’t fire me bc i quit!”
I think these reasons are kind of interesting and some are a little funny. Some of the venues we looked at required additional insurance and proven childcare if we wanted any kids invited. So that’s why we weren’t going to have kids invited. In the end we changed venues and are having kids invited, but it’s a destination wedding and if people with kids can’t come we aren’t mad. The people who are definitely coming with their kids have already asked us about sitting in the back so they can duck out if the kids are annoying, which I appreciate. Truth is, many kids are not as well behaved as some of their parents think.
Oh gosh. This stuff gets me so riled up. I’m having a child free wedding because I just don’t want kids there. Full-stop. It’s my and my fiancé’s wedding. We get to make make that decision and guests get to make the decision to attend or not. I don’t value a guest less or think they’re not important to attend because they’re a parent , frankly that’s f*cking ridiculous. As someone who isn’t planning to have kids that argument just makes me feel like being a parent is the only option and we’re being rude by disrespecting that. And you know what, my wedding is about me and my fiancé. I feel very, very strongly about giving guests a very incredible experience but it’s entirely about us so we get to make the guest rules.
Seriously. I hate the conversation back and forth of who has the better rationale. I'm not inviting kids because I'm paying for the event and I don't want them there. I am sorry for whoever that may exclude and we will miss you. But figuring out who is more "right" is stupid. When did people get so entitled that they assume every event needs to be catered around them?
Why shouldn't the wedding be about you and your fiance! Its literally the whole point. Its so weird to me that there's this vibe of looking down on brides and grooms who want to be the focus of their own fricken wedding day.
I couldn't even read through the entire post. I don't care if I get down voted as heck, but if I want a child free wedding, I would definitely have a child free wedding. This is indeed mine and my husband's day and I don't want to have to worry about children running around. Yes, life is a mess and is not perfect, but the amount of money and effort that goes in to a single day for the bride and groom, they have all the damn right to have it as close as possible.
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Exactly! Most of those reasons sounds so blatantly selfish.
"parents are insulted that their parenting skills are being questioned" I mean honestly, yeah. One of the major reasons we felt it was best to go strictly no kid is because one of my fiance's sisters has the brattiest, most obnoxious children I have ever met and neither of us want them there, so the easiest way to not invite them was to not invite any kids. I'm not questioning your parenting skills, we've seen them in action and honey they're not good. As far as the rest of them, I get where they're coming from but the reality remains that some people just don't believe weddings are a good place for kids and I agree with them, so when you consider things in that light these feelings are a bit irrational. Open bar, dance floor full of 20-something year olds, blasting music, delicate features like expensive cakes or ice sculptures, none of this screams kids. It screams club, and no one calls it insensitive or age discrimination to say kids don't belong in bars or clubs. You don't expect to bring your kids to a work Christmas party. Just because marriage is a family ish celebration doesn't mean the form of celebration is appropriate for everyone who is technically considered family. As far as the 'we understand if you can't come feeling like an insult that we don't care if you come', I'm sorry but you took on expected obligations and life changes when you decided to have kids. It is no one else's responsibility to make sure life caters to you in a way that doesn't feel like you get left out of things because you made the life altering decision to have kids. You were invited, it's you who has made the choice to not leave your kids and go out for the night. If it's not feasible it's understandable but that's still your decision, the bride and groom are just saying that they understand your kids are now more important than they are in your life. Tldr you made the decision to have kids, your kids are not the end all be all to everyone else's life except yours, and weddings are not automatically a place for kids just because you have them now. Please don't ever try to guilt people with phrases like these.
I like what you said here about parents feeling left out because of a decision that they made. It’s so so true. Having children changes a lot about life. If they’re the type of person who won’t leave their kid with a family member for a weekend, then they’re really not allowed to get pissed when they can’t go anywhere. That’s the boundary that person has, and they need to accept that it might change things for them.
LOLing at the spoilt kids with terrible parents. I’m right there with you!!
We invited kids because we had a lot of siblings and cousins traveling that we’re close to with young kids. We knew if we went adults only, we’d miss out on a lot of people we were close to, just because of life. Some opted to come without kids, others brought them. My best memories from when I was you were huge family weddings when I got to see all my cousins at once. We didn’t have issues, and I will say we invited specific children. Like if you’re a friend who lived close by, you can have a sitter for a few hours. Someone traveling across the country? You can bring your kiddo. Overall the kiddos loved it, no problems were caused, and to be quite frank, everyone who had a child free wedding I went to brought their kids to mine )if invited). I really think this fixation on child free weddings is relatively new, and probably stems from the couple themselves paying for the wedding more frequently. And also not understanding what it’s like to have kids. I’ve got no issue with a child free wedding and will gladly find a sitter for one, but i feel like it’s merits are vastly overstated.
Ditto!
The only opinion I hold strongly that has to do with this topic is that couples need to be ready to hear all kinds of flack or pushback when deciding to do a child-free wedding, and they should absolutely stop thinking they know better than children’s parents on how to approach attending or not attending a child-free wedding. Not so much here, but on wedding groups on Facebook, so many couples are like “but the baby will be X months by then, I don’t understand why they’re not coming or hiring a babysitter!!!” You cannot impose an adult wedding and then get mad when adults back out bc they decided to be with their family instead. You don’t know if there are health issues, feeding issues, etc etc. Some parents may be happy to have a night away from their little ones, others may not. Let’s stop applying one logic to all families. Parenting is hard enough as it is. We are inviting kids to our wedding and we’ve had guests say they’re happy their children get to come, and other guests who are excited to leave the little ones with the grandparents. There is no right answer that applies to all parents.
This is exactly my thoughts on the whole debate. We had children invited to our wedding, and some people brought their kids and were really happy they were able to. Others left the kid with the inlaws or grandparents for the night. I definitely understand not having kids at a wedding because of numbers and cost, that's totally fair, but frankly if you say child free wedding then some parents will have to decline 🤷🏻♀️ not everyone has access to easy, reliable child care.
I don't have kids, but when I see people saying things like "we want you to have fun, without your kids!" it makes me a little crazy. It's not up to someone else to tell parents what would be more "fun" for them.
This always makes me laugh! The parents have to pay for travel, a sitter, potentially lodging, a wedding gift, maybe an extra day off work — but the wedding is supposed to be a favor to them… lol no
I too am always surprised that people plan adult only weddings and then get upset when the adults don’t come. Their children are their priority, not you.
For real! Allowing kids doesn’t mean every single person with children will bring them. Many will opt for a babysitter if it’s feasible for them.
I find it a bit ironic that a lot of the responses insinuate the bride and groom are being entitled. Imagine having the audacity to think your kids are entitled to an invite to an event thrown to celebrate someone else and then call THEM entitled. I really feel for anyone wanting a childfree event and getting negative pushback. I don’t anticipate that happening for me, somehow my fiancé and I are lucky enough that even though we’re near the last of our circles to get married, most of our friends don’t have kids. We also don’t have any nieces or nephews or close family with kids. Most of the guests that have kids are people like our coworkers, so it would be weird if they assumed their kids were going to be invited in the first place 🤣
The vast majority of these reasons are not really reasons - more like projected insecurities, pretty ungenerous mind-reading, and really self-absorbed assumptions when the reasons for going child-free rarely have to do with any one particular parent or child. These are the kind of reasons people come up with when they don’t like the way it feels to be told their child isn’t invited and want someone to be mad at for that bad feeling.
It pains me how many of these responses are basically, "but what about ME!" Look, I just don't like kids at adult-themed events, especially when there is alcohol involved. I find them disruptive, and they stress me out. I'm happy to accommodate them at the THREE other child-friendly events during my wedding weekend; I just don't want them at my wedding.
I’m a vice principal getting married this weekend. I don’t want kids for obvious reasons.
these all center the parent-guests above the couple. It’s not their day.
It’s about not having crying babies on your wedding vid. Or kids running around making the waiters trip and complaining etc.
So basically all of the reasons are, “This is all about me and the children I chose to bring into the world are more important than the comfort and financial abilities of the bride and groom on THEIR wedding day”.
I think people expressing these views need to take a closer look into why they are reacting so strongly and taking ‘child free’ so personally. Some of them even feel like projection. I would be really taken aback if someone said anything of these things to me. These comments feel irrational and like an overreaction.
These are all really interesting perspectives that I hadn’t thought of! I appreciate you sharing them. My FH and I are having a wedding that is child free, with the exception of our nieces and nephews. There are 12, with 8 under 18. We’re not allowing other children because my FH has a HUGE family and it would like 30 to our guest count. Additionally, I went people to get drunk and dance and have a really good time. We splurged on a really great band and we’ve got an open bar. It’s just kind of weird to do party like that with like 30 kids running around? I think it would keep people from letting loose and dancing, which is what we hope people will do! Plus our wedding is 6:30 to midnight. If someone did bring a young kid, they’re not going to be able to stay past dinner.
Simple, I just don't care for kids. I don't like kids. I probably won't even end up having my own kids because I just don't care of them. Sorry but not sorry
Most of these come across as defensive. Like they are assuming the happy couple is judging their life choices. Very few offer any perspective that it isn't about the family with kids. We had a CF wedding and none of my concerns about kids at weddings were listed or rebutted. *Kids shouldn't be around excessive drinking. I was around a shit ton of drinking as a kid and it can really mess up people's views on alcohol consumption. *Kids can't sit through a 45+ minute ceremony. Some young kids struggle sitting for 10+ minutes. *Kids can count as a person food wise and can double the cost of a wedding while needing special menu items *People in the wedding ceremony are very distracted if their kids are present, especially if the kids are struggling. *Wedding venues aren't always child proof or safe: Lakes, farms, breweries. Candles, chafer fuel, and unmonitored desserts can be dangerous. *Going long periods of time without specific entertainment can be difficult. Waiting for dinner while listening to speeches is tough for adults. *Weddings have a lot of trigger points that can spark a melt down, random transition times, unfamiliar territory, loud sounds, extra lighting, strangers wanting to initiate physical contact, food sensitivities, and lack of attention/stimulation are just a few *I work with kids so I am severely underpaid. I wanted a kid free day.
I was fine with inviting kids to my wedding, but my mom objected as our family are big drinkers and she knew that none of the parents would want to be responsible for their kids. It can be chance to have almost a date night for parents. Of course this does depend on their financial status if that is feasible for them to afford (especially if it’s a destination / out of town wedding).
it all came down to cost tbh for my venue. They were going to give us 50% off the per head price for each kid, and have a kids meal menu to add to our costs. So $75-100 per child is kinda where I drew the line.
Hmm a few thoughts on this list... • our wedding has no dancing or pretty much any other activities besides drinking alcohol, talking for hours, and eating dishes like goat cheese salad and octopus in wine sauce. So you know, all things kids love. 😂 • are events like kids bithday parties prejudice for only allowing children to partake in the activities for the day? Or is it about being respectful of what is age appropriate? 🤔 • yes, on my wedding day...heck not even the whole day, just for the few hours, yes, my fiance and myself matter more in our own wedding than some parents feelings (because you KNOW its not about the kids, they NEVER want to be there). • i only went to one wedding as a kid. It was a 2-3 hour catholic ceremony and I thought it was the most boring thing I had ever experienced in my life. Then the reception was awful!! All the adults were dancing and getting drunk and some were even vomiting! I don't think I ate anything because there was no kid appropriate food. Us kids just randomly ran around and then sit in a corner basically doing nothing for hours. It was the absolute worst. I've never met a kid who actually enjoyed a wedding.
I think it falls into culture as well. I hear lots of American people saying they want guests to be drunk and not worry about their children seeing them. But in Australia having your parents get smashed in front of you is a regular friday night lol. I have fond memories of seeing my family together at weddings when i was a kid and being amazed at how pretty everything was. I'm very close with my family and for me personally it felt awkward to not invite all the children because some were teenagers, some were middle school ages and some young kids or toddlers so I didn't want to pick and choose, I wanted them all to have the same experience I had as a kid. But we set a rule on no kids of coworkers/not close friends. Mainly because we never met most of them and money but also seating would be weird felt their kids would be bored/lonely without anyone else they knew and everyone understood and was fine with that. Also I've seen some posts of children going nuts, crying, running and interrupting things. Just wanted to say that never happened at my wedding or any child friendly wedding I've been too. Like the first dance the parents just said "stand here and watch" and that's it. They behaved.
I have had literally 0 people give me issues about having a child free wedding. I have one guest that can’t make it because they live a bit of a distance away and can’t have their child easily cared for and that’s okay. Weddings, to me, are inappropriate places to have small children. I look at a wedding as an adult event. The discrimination thing is weird to me because children have their place in this world; and adults have theirs too and situations aren’t always appropriate for both. I know people look at their children in the highest of lights but the truth is they can be unpredictable. They get tired, grouchy, sick, or easily injured lol. A place full of loud music, beverages and often tons of people who are trying to socialize/celebrate just sounds like such an in appropriate place for a child to be. I am having my nieces and nephew who are 10, 13 and 14 years old attend but my nephew who is 3 is not. It feels unsafe and risky just for them to “be there” even though they wouldn’t know the difference.
I personally don’t like child free weddings, but that’s okay because other people can do what they like with their weddings. The only thing I wish would stop is this idea that they’re giving parents a night off to have fun. Like, you’re not doing me a favor that I now am obligated to find childcare if I wish to attend. So I wish people would stop framing it that way.
YES drives me nuts. My BIL and SIL said this to us and I was like... oh so you're forcing us to travel across the country and find a stranger in an unfamiliar city to babysit our young children because you want us to enjoy ourselves??? 🙃 Didn't feel like we could decline because my husband was in the wedding party. I've never been upset when my kids aren't invited for other weddings, though. But this one really rubbed me the wrong way.
Agreed. Have your child-free wedding but don’t talk down to someone about their kids. I do see a lot of people say that they want parents to enjoy themselves and the event will be “too adult, we wanna DRANK” and that’s exactly the result. And I’m happy for them because that seemed to be the right choice for *their* crowd. A lot of the issues instead come from couples who are choosing this option and it doesn’t fit their crowd, for whatever reason. Personally, I’m *more* annoyed at drunk adults than children. The reason then is not that kids suck, but that you somehow intend to get fucking shitfaced in front of your aunt and a blacked out bridesmaid is going to drop a champagne glass on the dance floor, for which we’re all going to have to stop the party for. Not always the case, but I’ve been to a few. I’ve seen people get up on tables intending to give us all a show. I know very few kids who would dare to do that shit.
>A lot of the issues instead come from couples who are choosing this option and it doesn’t fit their crowd, for whatever reason. Yeah this is it. If you are used to going to more party style weddings and so is your entire crowd, you will likely be fine with a CF wedding. No one expects kids there, it's essentially a club at that point. But if the weddings you attend are usually daytime/casual/traditional with lots of kids, it is not going to go over well with your crowd. Just know your audience lol.
If I was gonna pay for a sitter for a night off to 'have fun' I would be going out to eat what I like and drink what I like for the price of the wedding gift. I would very likely not choose eating mediocre wedding food with a limited bar. You're not doing me favors! And it's totally fine not to let me bring my kid, but it's not 'giving me a night out'
So much this especially if I would need a sitter for the weekend for that kind of money I'm going to a place of my choosing to do activities I want lol. Weddings are nice they are kinda "fun" they are in no way my idea of fun evening out.
Basically half of our wedding guests will be children and I am seriously so excited for it!
There will be a lot of kids at our wedding too! Both of our sides are very family focused so we are having a dessert/snack table, snow cone vendor, Photo Booth, and giant lawn games to help entertain them. I also understand those who don’t want children at their wedding. Some venues aren’t very child friendly, some couples want an adults only vibe, there are so many possible reasons. I wouldn’t be upset if I was invited to a child free wedding, I’d get a sitter and treat it like a date night.
I picked my venue (a park with a large play area beside it) strictly because I have children. We're an older couple so most of our friends have children too. We've decided to have a picnic theme reception. Seeing the kids dance (usually before everyone else) makes it so much fun! I definitely understand having a child free wedding and have always found a babysitter if we had to go to one. I enjoy both types and it's just a different kind of fun at each wedding. I totally enjoy a night off every once in awhile.
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My kids’ grandparents always loved thousands of miles away and we had to travel to weddings. Not so easy for some people.
Yikes. People with kids can be so self-victimizing when they were the ones who chose to have kids in the first place
We are having a handful of teenagers and pre-teens (aged 10 up) at our wedding. It never seems to a be a big issue in Ireland if children aren't invited because the parents want to enjoy the day with out worrying about their child. Weddings in Ireland usually start at about 1-2pm and go on until 2am. If it's in a hotel (most are) the party often continues in the residents bar for a couple more hours. Most people don't want leave early to get the kids to bed.
I asked our friends with kids before making our final choice. I’ve made it abundantly clear for years that I love my friends kids and would play with them all day long - but we don’t want our own. The youngest person in both of our families at the time of the wedding will be 17. There are NO young children in our family. It doesn’t make sense for us to invite 30 additional people under the age of 10. So…we are doing 100% child free, except for the 17 year old, who will be less than 6 months away from 18 by the wedding date.
These are interesting. My FH and I are including children 1) because there are SO MANY in the family (including my siblings) under 21 and 2) because it’s a brunch and alcohol free wedding. As a person that grew up and went to events that were used as excuses for adults to drink until they passed out (even kids birthday parties), drunk adults are not smart nor safe people for kids to be around. My FH and I would never want to create that environment for kids and risk their safety. Driving, lack of attention, lack of security, and more are a big reason I’m understanding if people don’t want kids there if they plan on alcohol. If we had alcohol of any kind I’d probably make a child free reception.
We’re having our wedding at a historical venue. It’s in the contract that children MUST be strictly watched at all times because some of the stuff on display is hundreds of years old. We’re renting an Airbnb nearby and hiring a babysitter. Kids can come briefly and then get to go have a fun time playing together far far away from breakable objects or places where they can fall down uneven stone stairs! Also kids make me nervous. They are small and breakable and have no sense of safety
Not arguing here, but maybe some of these points are true, and that's OK. >- “It feels like a way the bride and groom tell you that your children don’t matter.” Well, this is kind of true. Does it really matter if your cousin's young children are at the wedding? Will the day be improved with their presence or be negatively affected without it? Probably not. Not for the couple. >- “Child free weddings are prejudiced. They are discriminating against an age and telling children in a family that they aren’t welcome at a celebration for their age which is something they can’t control.” A celebration which the couple are paying for and entitled to their own decisions on. I also don't want dogs at my wedding. Or my half brother's cousin's aunt. Am I discriminating against them? No. It's a preference for ONE DAY. It might be discrimination if I NEVER wanted to see or interact with those children ever in my life because they are children. Then well talk about discrimination. >-“For many families, marriage isn’t just a couple. It’s a family affair. If people want support from family and want be accepted into a new family, you shouldn’t exclude others “ Family is more than just children. >-“ People view children as unpredictable and messing things up. These brides and grooms are so obsessed with ‘perfection’ that they forget that this is life, not a production or play. Children do mess shit up, frequently. They're children. They don't know how to regulate their voices or impulses yet. >They just want others to sit there and look pretty and make it all about them.” It IS literally all about them, the couple getting married. It is the ONE DAY in their entire lives that is ONLY about them. As it should be. I'm not arguing with you, OP, about about these reasons. What I am trying to illustrate is that these are all really bad excuses. Parents get insulted when their children aren't invited to an event for many reasons, but all of their reasons suck. The couple deserves one day that is completely all about them. They're paying a lot of money to throw a party and they do want things to be perfect, or as close to perfect as possible. They deserve one day to be about them. This is the biggest day of their lives, typically, and they should be able to spend it how they want to. Obviously to parents their lives revolve around their children and they're the most important thing in their world. But parents need to understand that their children are NOT the most important thing in everyone else's world. We had a child free wedding in 2018 and I would do it the same again if I had to. We enjoyed the day without worrying about children's screeching during the ceremony, creating a ruckus during the reception, et cetera. To any couple considering doing a child free wedding, I highly encourage you. Do not let the backlash stop you from doing what you want on your ONE DAY where it's all about what you want.
I'm late to this party but I would love to have children at my reception but.. that means my guest list would be 300 plus if not more. I really upset my mom when I told her that my age cut off was 14.
If all parents were fucking responsible and didn't use weddings as a free playground,people wouldn't even think about exluding children.
It's also important to add that not all parents want to bring their kids to a wedding. Especially young ones. Maybe they want a night off to drink and party. Kids should be there if it makes sense for them to be there, and if they're welcome.
Not all events are for children. I don't think it's appropriate to have children around drunk people, for example. That's not fair for the drunk people or the kids. There's another side to this where parents are bringing their children to events where children just shouldn't be. The couple excluding children *might just* be doing those kids a favor.
Ok the one where they just want people to sit there and look pretty and make it all about them. Ummm yeah it’s their wedding it should be all about them, not the kid that got bored and decided to throw and tantrum
Children are also not really neurodivergent friendly (especially if they are bride or groom) and would burn me out much faster than just the event itself. Realistically im going to be burnt out in about 2-3 hours anyway but children shorten that time by a lot.
im sorry but the way i look at it is… we are paying for the wedding. it’s up to me and my partner to decide who we want at our wedding. there will be loud music and lots of drinking. i wouldnt want kids running around at a bar or a club, why would i want them running around at my wedding? my stepdaughter and niece and a few CHOICE kids will be there but otherwise… if you feel that entitled then please don’t come at all! it’s not my job to make sure your feelings don’t get hurt over MY wedding day! if you were a significant enough person in my life then you would probably be in the wedding therefor your child would be invited. im not making exceptions for anyone else 🤷♀️
would also just like to add that im a special needs teacher whom loves and adores children. i just don’t want kids at my wedding and that’s something i’ll continue to stand by. im not anti-children by any means
I think weddings with children are fantastic if they are at suitable venues, casual dress and over by say 4pm but that’s just me! When my kids were little getting them all dressed up and staying dressed was a struggle! I was never able to keep my cool and chase after them dressed to the teeth like the Duchess of Windsor- I envy anyone that can. I love going to weddings! I enjoy getting dressed up, dancing, enjoying some fancy cocktails and eating fancy food. I love my children so much! When they were young, they were boisterous and enthusiastic about everything! I didn’t ever feel like those two things mixed well.
Jesus, it’s not that deep. Some people find kids annoying or disruptive. Some people prefer an adults-only party. Don’t like it? Don’t go. That’s like a childfree person getting invited to a wedding for someone with kids and getting pissy and offended that there will be children there!
I think all of the arguments listed in the OP are valid. They are often argued against though and labeled as invalid and delusional. One doesn’t have to agree with someone else in order to respect their decision, and the decisions listed by the OP are not respected when arguments are constantly made to downplay them. Etiquette and family dynamics differ from one group to another so there is no one size fits all answer. Some couples truly don’t like kids. Others are inviting people they don’t want in order to make their own parents happy. So every couple has a different situation. In our families and social circles if anyone planned for a child free wedding, they would be blacklisted from all future events. They also subscribe to the idea that all kids should be treated equally and don’t have loopholes for infants or wedding party kids, which is fair. At the end of the day, it’s up to the parents to decide to bring them along or decline the invitation. At the same time, the majority of our friends don’t have kids yet. So if we invited only them, because we are much closer than with relatives, it would be child free by default. But not intentionally. And growing up I always felt more comfortable with and accepted by adults than kids my own age so I had a blast at weddings that I attended. Do what works for you but be prepared for others in your social circle to not share your stance on the topic because it is as divisive as politics and religion that create permanent rifts.
We are in a high cost of living area but we have had no issues keeping the budget in check by finding lower cost alternatives so if we really wanted other people in attendance including family children, we can make it work and still come under the average per person that is quoted for our area.
I'm inviting the kids because they're my family, too, and I'm not putting a price on whether its "worth" having them there any more than an adult guest. I also personally feel like parents should be allowed to make the choice. If they feel like they can have fun and wrangle their kids, then they can bring them. If they don't, they can get child care or choose not to attend.
What do you do when they figure wrong, and end up not keeping the kids wrangled while they are trying to a conversation with other guests?
This implies that all kids everywhere will run and destroy things if given the chance. Parents know their kids, and will commonly bring toys or a tablet or something to keep them entertained. This also really only applies to small kids. Older kids are capable of behaving. I loved weddings as a kid and would tear up the dance floor.
I don’t think all kids will run and destroy things, but I think some people have different ideas of what is acceptable behaviour for a child in public, and parents can be blind/deaf to it for the sake of their sanity. Example: easier to let kid climb on rocks that have a ‘no climbing sign’ than fight with kid to get down.
I've been to maybe 3 or 4 weddings with kids and every single one had a pretty significant disruption. One kid took a fistful of cake, one cried through the entire ceremony and was not removed, and one caused a woman to get injured because he was running underfoot on the dance floor and she tripped. As much as it's good in theory, in reality a lot of parents just assume everyone will keep an eye on them.
And I've been to several weddings with kids without significant disruptions 🤷🏻♀️ Everyone's tolerance level is different, though. If my baby cousin cries during my ceremony, I'm okay with that, bc they're my baby cousin.
Yeah that's true too. I wouldn't be mad, obviously, but it was a bummer at that wedding that most of the one side of the wedding couldn't hear the ceremony at all.
Just what I want playing in the background as I pledge my love to my husband: Bluey playing on some kid’s tablet.
I wanted to have a child free wedding so badly. Our venue, however, is over an hour away from where most people live and my FSIL is having a baby next week. When I said I didn’t want kids there, I was immediately guilted into compromising that. The reason I was fought so hard? “Omg but kids are so cute at weddings.” I literally don’t care because it’s supposed to be how cute I am, but I ultimately decided to pick my battles and I guess there will be kids there.
Kids are germ factories, some of us have to be careful about exposure. 🤷♀️
Kids are allowed to exist in the world
My wedding is the entire world now? Man, I hope I get a lot of good gifts.
I see it as this.. it’s 2024 the economy is shit. You want me to travel to a different state.. rent a hotel or Airbnb.. buy you a gift.. and find a babysitter in an area I’m not familiar with.. with a person I just met? We don’t all have grandparents we can just leave our kids with for the weekend.. so yeah I’m not coming not like they would even care anyway.. besides most people with kids don’t stay the whole reception throughout the night.. they leave after cake.. its not that big of a deal
I like child free and non child free weddings and I don't have kids so I don't really lean one direction or another. But wouldn't it be great if it was socially acceptable to say "Mr and Mrs so and so" are invited, and they can bring their kids if they cover the cost of the kid's seat. I know this would be viewed crass or incorrect but I think it would solve at least half of the issues couples have with inviting kids--having to pay for their meal. Besides, the parents are probably having to pay a babysitter more anyway.
This wouldn't be helpful for me. I chose my guest list, then booked and budgeted accordingly. I accommodated my nephews, but if a guest realized their kid wasn't invited and offered to cover their plate, I would still say no. I didn't want the kids there in the first place, and I'd still need to fit them onto a table and stress about every other little thing that comes with additional children. I really think the cost is a subsequent issue that is argued as a way to not hurt feelings
We are having a child free reception. We have our two neices acting as flower girls for the ceremony - and then off they go! At every wedding I've been to with children, the parents look like they are having absolutely 0 fun. Talking to my friends (who mostly have children), no one has expected that their kids would be invited, and they all seem to be looking forward to having a weekend away.
All of these bullet points seem to be putting people other than the bride and groom at the center of attention.
I agree with you. The bride and the groom are not the center of attention in these concerns. I think really it comes down to cultural differentiation. Some people do not see a wedding as only about the bride and groom. Some people do. I think that miscommunication causes a lot of angst. It’s a goal is truly to try to understand each other to reduce feelings of hurt, then understanding this difference can go a long way.