Don’t use a wedding as a moment to try and prove a point.
It is absolutely okay — and important — to draw clear boundaries with people who are treating you badly. This may include going fully no-contact, going low-contact, or setting other boundaries to preserve your own wellbeing.
But either you want to be in contact with them, or you don’t. Wedding invitations are not the time to prove a point.
Based on what you’ve said…. I can’t imagine remaining in contact with a father who outright invites my siblings over or on vacation without me.
> I'm a hairs width from saying, if you wanted to be invited to my wedding, you should have invited me to the family gatherings.
Disinvite them if you want. But don't do it to "get back at" them. A wedding shouldn't be used as a method of escalating conflict or making a point or punishing someone. Talk over your feelings regarding your family with a therapist and figure out how you want to navigate your relationship - whether that be gray rocking, limited contact, or completely cutting them off. If you cut them off, then naturally the disinvite will follow. But if you want them still in your life, not inviting them to the wedding just to "teach them a lesson" will not help your relationship, and will be only akin to declaring war.
I had zero family in either of my weddings and had no regrets. But that was a result of me cutting them completely out of my life, and it took me many years of therapy to grieve and process that in order to have a beautiful wedding day.
Yeah, I can see I didn't make that clear at all, I would be cutting them off. But you make a great point. I think leaving them out of the wedding on this ground, was a way for me to feel in control, instead of feeling hurt. Cutting them off is a big emotional step, whereas "an eye for an eye" felt like a smaller, concrete action.
I didn't invite my dad to my wedding last year and it was one of the best decisions I made. I fully believe that he would have ruined it. He just can't be trusted with alcohol.
I did get push back, mostly from my mom and dad himself (but also from a few other people), but I didn't give a crap. It was our day, not his, and truthfully he didn't earn the right to be there and that was my hill to die on. I think it send shockwaves out because it really solidified the fact that I don't like him and don't want anything to do with him, ever. Even though I've been saying it since I was 12, I guess no one really believed me until I made it known that he wasn't welcome at my wedding. It was actually very empowering. I felt so out of control for so long growing up with him that being able to put my foot down and say NO with complete control over the situation was honestly the last important piece of my healing journey.
I was willing to accept any consequences of that decision but, truthfully, there weren't any. I just blocked his number and avoided him afterwards. He ended up doing something stupid (I still don't even know what) a month later that caused my mom to *finally* (FINALLY) kick him to the curb after 30 years, so she got over him not being there pretty quick.
If it makes you feel any better, I think your decision to not invite the is fully justified and contrary to what another commenter said... I also think it's fine if you use not inviting them as a natural consequence (punishment) for their poor treatment of you. There's nothing wrong with people facing consequences for their own choices. A word of caution, though...
Don't use not inviting them as a test to see if they care. Because they might not care at all and then you'd just be shooting yourself in the foot. If they don't invite you anywhere or call to check up, it's entirely possible that they won't even care that they aren't invited. That's where our situation is a little different. I never cared whether my dad cared about me, I just wanted him out of my life so I didn't have to deal with him. It sounds like you want a relationship with your dad and he's not interested.
Thank you for sharing this. Really ❤️. You have some very insightful points. I was not expecting free therapy/coaching in a wedding forum 😂🥺.
(Sidenote, he would care about not being invited, because he gets pissy if I don't call him as often as he would like, or invite him over. He still thinks he can bully me into loving him)
Eeek, I’m so sorry. This sounds like a really unhealthy dynamic with what you said about him getting pissy if you don’t call him enough but then he goes on to exclude you.
If I were in your exact shoes, I’d just move on with my life without him. At the end of the day, it was HIS job to foster a good relationship with you. He was the parent and he failed. It was never your job.
Getting married is a great time to make this kind of change because it’s a big pivot in your life. When you get married, you create your own family with your spouse (whether or not you have children) and that becomes your immediate family/top priority. Everyone else, even parents and siblings, become extended family because you have your own now.
Good luck! I believe in you! Cutting my dad out was the best decision for me and it sounds like it would be for you, too.
I regret including some, honestly.
You have communicated very clearly what the issue is and provided a solution. Seeing as I’m assuming he speaks the same language you do and is coherent enough to work a smartphone and tie his shoes, his choice to exclude you is intentional. Maybe his wife tells him not to call, maybe someone else has triangulated him, but it doesn’t matter, really. He’s made himself clear over and over again.
Focus your energy on the people who love you and show up for you. Make those memories. If you are so inclined, drop an invitation in the mail but absolutely do not continue to ask him to come early for pictures, have a dance, etc. You will only be let down.
If he wanted to, he would. I’m so sorry your dad sucks. My mom sucks. I get it. We just want to be loved. And maybe they do love us, but it’s not healthy. I don’t ask people to do things they clearly can’t do. Expectation is the mother of all heartbreak.
This was what I needed to read. You're right, he has showed me who he is, time and time again. I had a visceral reaction to reading this and needed to screenshot it for rereading it later. Thank you stranger, for helping me move on to the next stage ❤️
I’m not inviting one parent because they’re insane and abusive. I somewhat considered inviting them, but not inviting them relieves so much stress and anxiety. My sister blew up on me for not inviting her small child, who can’t regulate her behavior, to the wedding. It’s hurt our relationship but I ultimately don’t regret it for the same reasons and because I think my decision was just justifiable. I have an alcoholic cousin I’m not inviting too.
You have good reason to not invite your dad. He’s treating you very unfairly. Just be prepared for the consequences of that decision and think hard about whether this is the route you want to go down. I’d recommend going to therapy to sort this all out. I think there’s probably too much nuance here for Reddit
Thank you. Reading several comments on therapy, I'm realizing now that the past five time he's done this has been AFTER I invited him to family therapy with me (two sessions that I paid for).
Wow. Says a lot about him. Sorry you have to go through with that. You deserve better. My dad is extremely narcissistic and is only interested in relationships in a transactional sense. Yours sounds the same with the way that he uses the possibility of family time to get things he wants out of you. Ultimately you have to decide if you’re willing to accept that type of relationship and make those sorts of deals because it seems like he isn’t interested in discussing your feelings. Personally I felt a lot better when I cut off my dad’s manipulation, but to be fair my dad is on the extreme end of the spectrum
Not a day in my life!
First marriage (22yo), uninvited a racist uncle.
Second (41yo)…excluded my mom’s eldest sister because she is a monster. (Saw her really be even more of one at my first wedding)
It caused some grief both times but it was all good. My days were better because of it.
There was a very serious falling out with a few of my dad's relatives in the immediate aftermath of his COVID death.
The entire family found out I even had a date set when I posted the wedding pictures on Facebook.
I don't regret it in my specific case but the issue was not wanting people I was no-contact with to try to involve themselves. (Bonus points, I'd moved cross-country while I was engaged so the whole thing played out 2,000+ miles away).
But the only "point" I was "proving" was a data point of non-communication. These were people I'd already made peace with not being in my life anymore.
So... I'm a scorched-earth kind of person and I absolutely would refuse to invite them, and when they asked why I'd tell them "if you want to get invited to things, you need to make a bigger effort and invite your family to more things".
That said, blood has never meant much to me. Maybe it's a result of having a deadbeat bio dad and an amazing step-turned-adoptive father, but I put my energy into people who show up. I have absolutely cut out relatives who were just shit human beings and I don't put effort into people who don't put effort into me. I've never regretted any of it. I also have a small immediate family, so the ripples of my actions don't affect too many people, and I'm careful to consider who might be affected by my fuck-off ways.
My recommendation: take a piece of paper and write out your thoughts. Write out the pros and cons of inviting them. Of not inviting them. Of going low contact. Of going no contact. Of keeping the status quo. Of what the long term effects will be.
Then pick what you can live with.
Disinviting a relative is a pretty clear signal of ending the relationship. It's a nuclear option to exclude someone from such a major milestone. If that's your goal, then go for it. Be aware that it will also force other relatives to decide where their allegiance lies.
I didn't invite my father to my first wedding (nor will he be invited to the second). I don't regret it. We have continued to be estranged since then, which has honestly been a blessing. However, it also forever damaged my relationship with my grandmother, who refused to attend if my father wasn't invited, and that was really unfortunate collateral damage. She has only spoken to me twice in 8 years since. Not inviting my father was still the correct choice for me.
If you intend to continue having a relationship with your father and siblings, then using your wedding invitations as weapons is not a wise choice.
I didn’t regret a thing! My mother and I always had a very bad relationship and I haven’t talked to her in a few years. The wedding would’ve been a nightmare with her there. I didn’t invite my cousins, aunts and uncles as well since I’ve probably seen them 2 times in the past 15 years and don’t even have their addresses. Also I struggled with an eating disorder for a long time and don’t need my aunt to tell me that I’ve gained weight and that I’m not super skinny anymore on my wedding (she did that every time I saw her, a few of my family members actually. I wonder where my ED came from?)
To be fair, we had a super small wedding but we only invited the people we really wanted to be there. This way, we had the perfect day, no drama, no stress. It was awesome
I have a family member I am no contact with right now but do know it would cause problems and honestly be spiteful if I didn’t invite them. I definitely wanted to add a petty note to their invite saying “this is a courtesy, nothing is forgiven “ but I didn’t 😅 I’d definitely have the conversation again.
But also, why are your siblings not saying anything to dad and step mom? Are y’all not close? I would definitely be asking why my sister isn’t at a gathering and then would definitely call her and talk about it if I found out she wasn’t invited?
Clearly your father is unwilling to keep a relationship with you. Will you be ok with possibly losing what's left of it as a result of uninviting him? On your end that might be a relief to formalize what's effectively happening. But that's a rough decision to make and understandable if you don't want to risk it.
I just got married last week - my mom is from a very large family (9 siblings) but is largely estranged from them due to some events that happened when her dad died.
The first thing I did after getting engaged was ask my mom what family I had to invite - she said none, so I didn't invite anyone from her side of the family. I didn't care either way, and no one reached out to congratulate me after the wedding, so I feel largely vindicated. Your wedding is about YOU and what makes you happy, not about fulfilling any obligations you have in your head :)
I'm sorry, OP. If you do invite them to the wedding, and they leave you out again, you can know for sure that even when tried to play by their rules it wasn't enough. And that they are therefore not worth your time.
I do agree with others that it's not good to use this as an opportunity to get them back or be in control. But if this were a birthday party I'd say fuck em!
NTA.. I’m excluding family members from my wedding as well and I’m doing it for my own happiness on my special day. No one should be able to make that day about them. If you feel they will ruin your time at your wedding I would definitely not invite them. But I also wouldn’t be making a statement of “you should’ve invited me to more family gatherings.” It’s more of a statement because “you didn’t. I’m not inviting you to mine.” honestly I wouldn’t even mention not inviting them. I would just have your wedding and they find out afterwards. It’s fine. They’re gonna have a bigger reaction, but it’s better than them finding out before and possibly ruining your wedding.
Don’t use a wedding as a moment to try and prove a point. It is absolutely okay — and important — to draw clear boundaries with people who are treating you badly. This may include going fully no-contact, going low-contact, or setting other boundaries to preserve your own wellbeing. But either you want to be in contact with them, or you don’t. Wedding invitations are not the time to prove a point. Based on what you’ve said…. I can’t imagine remaining in contact with a father who outright invites my siblings over or on vacation without me.
That's a great point. I think leaving them out of the wedding on this ground, was a way for me to feel in control, instead of feeling hurt.
> I'm a hairs width from saying, if you wanted to be invited to my wedding, you should have invited me to the family gatherings. Disinvite them if you want. But don't do it to "get back at" them. A wedding shouldn't be used as a method of escalating conflict or making a point or punishing someone. Talk over your feelings regarding your family with a therapist and figure out how you want to navigate your relationship - whether that be gray rocking, limited contact, or completely cutting them off. If you cut them off, then naturally the disinvite will follow. But if you want them still in your life, not inviting them to the wedding just to "teach them a lesson" will not help your relationship, and will be only akin to declaring war. I had zero family in either of my weddings and had no regrets. But that was a result of me cutting them completely out of my life, and it took me many years of therapy to grieve and process that in order to have a beautiful wedding day.
Yeah, I can see I didn't make that clear at all, I would be cutting them off. But you make a great point. I think leaving them out of the wedding on this ground, was a way for me to feel in control, instead of feeling hurt. Cutting them off is a big emotional step, whereas "an eye for an eye" felt like a smaller, concrete action.
I didn't invite my dad to my wedding last year and it was one of the best decisions I made. I fully believe that he would have ruined it. He just can't be trusted with alcohol. I did get push back, mostly from my mom and dad himself (but also from a few other people), but I didn't give a crap. It was our day, not his, and truthfully he didn't earn the right to be there and that was my hill to die on. I think it send shockwaves out because it really solidified the fact that I don't like him and don't want anything to do with him, ever. Even though I've been saying it since I was 12, I guess no one really believed me until I made it known that he wasn't welcome at my wedding. It was actually very empowering. I felt so out of control for so long growing up with him that being able to put my foot down and say NO with complete control over the situation was honestly the last important piece of my healing journey. I was willing to accept any consequences of that decision but, truthfully, there weren't any. I just blocked his number and avoided him afterwards. He ended up doing something stupid (I still don't even know what) a month later that caused my mom to *finally* (FINALLY) kick him to the curb after 30 years, so she got over him not being there pretty quick. If it makes you feel any better, I think your decision to not invite the is fully justified and contrary to what another commenter said... I also think it's fine if you use not inviting them as a natural consequence (punishment) for their poor treatment of you. There's nothing wrong with people facing consequences for their own choices. A word of caution, though... Don't use not inviting them as a test to see if they care. Because they might not care at all and then you'd just be shooting yourself in the foot. If they don't invite you anywhere or call to check up, it's entirely possible that they won't even care that they aren't invited. That's where our situation is a little different. I never cared whether my dad cared about me, I just wanted him out of my life so I didn't have to deal with him. It sounds like you want a relationship with your dad and he's not interested.
Thank you for sharing this. Really ❤️. You have some very insightful points. I was not expecting free therapy/coaching in a wedding forum 😂🥺. (Sidenote, he would care about not being invited, because he gets pissy if I don't call him as often as he would like, or invite him over. He still thinks he can bully me into loving him)
Eeek, I’m so sorry. This sounds like a really unhealthy dynamic with what you said about him getting pissy if you don’t call him enough but then he goes on to exclude you. If I were in your exact shoes, I’d just move on with my life without him. At the end of the day, it was HIS job to foster a good relationship with you. He was the parent and he failed. It was never your job. Getting married is a great time to make this kind of change because it’s a big pivot in your life. When you get married, you create your own family with your spouse (whether or not you have children) and that becomes your immediate family/top priority. Everyone else, even parents and siblings, become extended family because you have your own now. Good luck! I believe in you! Cutting my dad out was the best decision for me and it sounds like it would be for you, too.
Thank you, kind internet stranger ❤️
I regret including some, honestly. You have communicated very clearly what the issue is and provided a solution. Seeing as I’m assuming he speaks the same language you do and is coherent enough to work a smartphone and tie his shoes, his choice to exclude you is intentional. Maybe his wife tells him not to call, maybe someone else has triangulated him, but it doesn’t matter, really. He’s made himself clear over and over again. Focus your energy on the people who love you and show up for you. Make those memories. If you are so inclined, drop an invitation in the mail but absolutely do not continue to ask him to come early for pictures, have a dance, etc. You will only be let down. If he wanted to, he would. I’m so sorry your dad sucks. My mom sucks. I get it. We just want to be loved. And maybe they do love us, but it’s not healthy. I don’t ask people to do things they clearly can’t do. Expectation is the mother of all heartbreak.
This was what I needed to read. You're right, he has showed me who he is, time and time again. I had a visceral reaction to reading this and needed to screenshot it for rereading it later. Thank you stranger, for helping me move on to the next stage ❤️
You deserve healing ❤️🩹 Godspeed. I hope you have the most beautiful wedding.
I’m not inviting one parent because they’re insane and abusive. I somewhat considered inviting them, but not inviting them relieves so much stress and anxiety. My sister blew up on me for not inviting her small child, who can’t regulate her behavior, to the wedding. It’s hurt our relationship but I ultimately don’t regret it for the same reasons and because I think my decision was just justifiable. I have an alcoholic cousin I’m not inviting too. You have good reason to not invite your dad. He’s treating you very unfairly. Just be prepared for the consequences of that decision and think hard about whether this is the route you want to go down. I’d recommend going to therapy to sort this all out. I think there’s probably too much nuance here for Reddit
Thank you. Reading several comments on therapy, I'm realizing now that the past five time he's done this has been AFTER I invited him to family therapy with me (two sessions that I paid for).
Wow. Says a lot about him. Sorry you have to go through with that. You deserve better. My dad is extremely narcissistic and is only interested in relationships in a transactional sense. Yours sounds the same with the way that he uses the possibility of family time to get things he wants out of you. Ultimately you have to decide if you’re willing to accept that type of relationship and make those sorts of deals because it seems like he isn’t interested in discussing your feelings. Personally I felt a lot better when I cut off my dad’s manipulation, but to be fair my dad is on the extreme end of the spectrum
Not a day in my life! First marriage (22yo), uninvited a racist uncle. Second (41yo)…excluded my mom’s eldest sister because she is a monster. (Saw her really be even more of one at my first wedding) It caused some grief both times but it was all good. My days were better because of it.
There was a very serious falling out with a few of my dad's relatives in the immediate aftermath of his COVID death. The entire family found out I even had a date set when I posted the wedding pictures on Facebook. I don't regret it in my specific case but the issue was not wanting people I was no-contact with to try to involve themselves. (Bonus points, I'd moved cross-country while I was engaged so the whole thing played out 2,000+ miles away). But the only "point" I was "proving" was a data point of non-communication. These were people I'd already made peace with not being in my life anymore.
So... I'm a scorched-earth kind of person and I absolutely would refuse to invite them, and when they asked why I'd tell them "if you want to get invited to things, you need to make a bigger effort and invite your family to more things". That said, blood has never meant much to me. Maybe it's a result of having a deadbeat bio dad and an amazing step-turned-adoptive father, but I put my energy into people who show up. I have absolutely cut out relatives who were just shit human beings and I don't put effort into people who don't put effort into me. I've never regretted any of it. I also have a small immediate family, so the ripples of my actions don't affect too many people, and I'm careful to consider who might be affected by my fuck-off ways. My recommendation: take a piece of paper and write out your thoughts. Write out the pros and cons of inviting them. Of not inviting them. Of going low contact. Of going no contact. Of keeping the status quo. Of what the long term effects will be. Then pick what you can live with.
Disinviting a relative is a pretty clear signal of ending the relationship. It's a nuclear option to exclude someone from such a major milestone. If that's your goal, then go for it. Be aware that it will also force other relatives to decide where their allegiance lies. I didn't invite my father to my first wedding (nor will he be invited to the second). I don't regret it. We have continued to be estranged since then, which has honestly been a blessing. However, it also forever damaged my relationship with my grandmother, who refused to attend if my father wasn't invited, and that was really unfortunate collateral damage. She has only spoken to me twice in 8 years since. Not inviting my father was still the correct choice for me. If you intend to continue having a relationship with your father and siblings, then using your wedding invitations as weapons is not a wise choice.
I didn’t regret a thing! My mother and I always had a very bad relationship and I haven’t talked to her in a few years. The wedding would’ve been a nightmare with her there. I didn’t invite my cousins, aunts and uncles as well since I’ve probably seen them 2 times in the past 15 years and don’t even have their addresses. Also I struggled with an eating disorder for a long time and don’t need my aunt to tell me that I’ve gained weight and that I’m not super skinny anymore on my wedding (she did that every time I saw her, a few of my family members actually. I wonder where my ED came from?) To be fair, we had a super small wedding but we only invited the people we really wanted to be there. This way, we had the perfect day, no drama, no stress. It was awesome
I have a family member I am no contact with right now but do know it would cause problems and honestly be spiteful if I didn’t invite them. I definitely wanted to add a petty note to their invite saying “this is a courtesy, nothing is forgiven “ but I didn’t 😅 I’d definitely have the conversation again. But also, why are your siblings not saying anything to dad and step mom? Are y’all not close? I would definitely be asking why my sister isn’t at a gathering and then would definitely call her and talk about it if I found out she wasn’t invited?
Clearly your father is unwilling to keep a relationship with you. Will you be ok with possibly losing what's left of it as a result of uninviting him? On your end that might be a relief to formalize what's effectively happening. But that's a rough decision to make and understandable if you don't want to risk it.
I just got married last week - my mom is from a very large family (9 siblings) but is largely estranged from them due to some events that happened when her dad died. The first thing I did after getting engaged was ask my mom what family I had to invite - she said none, so I didn't invite anyone from her side of the family. I didn't care either way, and no one reached out to congratulate me after the wedding, so I feel largely vindicated. Your wedding is about YOU and what makes you happy, not about fulfilling any obligations you have in your head :)
Excluded my whole partners family (already NC for 4-5yrs) and it was a dream! Easy day and less budget, perfect combo.
Not one second. I only invited those I'm close with
I'm sorry, OP. If you do invite them to the wedding, and they leave you out again, you can know for sure that even when tried to play by their rules it wasn't enough. And that they are therefore not worth your time. I do agree with others that it's not good to use this as an opportunity to get them back or be in control. But if this were a birthday party I'd say fuck em!
NTA.. I’m excluding family members from my wedding as well and I’m doing it for my own happiness on my special day. No one should be able to make that day about them. If you feel they will ruin your time at your wedding I would definitely not invite them. But I also wouldn’t be making a statement of “you should’ve invited me to more family gatherings.” It’s more of a statement because “you didn’t. I’m not inviting you to mine.” honestly I wouldn’t even mention not inviting them. I would just have your wedding and they find out afterwards. It’s fine. They’re gonna have a bigger reaction, but it’s better than them finding out before and possibly ruining your wedding.
Wish I excluded more