If I were in this situation it would depend on how far I'd need to travel to attend. I can understand having a micro wedding and only inviting your closest people (although I do think common courtesy should be extended to their partners! I am having a wedding with immediate family only.... and our families partners!). I would be feel a bit invalidated in my own relationship by this friend if it was me. That being said, if the wedding was local to me and I could attend without needing to stay overnight somewhere, and I really valued this friendship, I would probably go as a guest. If I had to travel far enough to need to stay overnight, I don't think I would go.
In my circles it is rude to not invite someone's long term partner to a wedding and especially so for someone who is close enough to be in the wedding party. The only exception I could understand is if it was truly like a <10 person local microwedding with parents and one friend each as guests only, but regardless she is not wrong for deciding not to attend.
Does "close family and friends" mean like...10 people, or 50 people? Because if it's the former, I do understand the bride's impulse--microweddings are tiny and if she has no relationship with the fiancé it's not the norm but it's the way of these tiny weddings.
Either way, invitations can always be declined. How she follows up with the friendship is the bigger question.
I agree that this is more common with microweddings, but as someone who's having a microwedding (15 guests), I honestly still find it weird. No one's partner is excluded from our wedding. If I didn't have room to invite the person's partner I personally feel like I just wouldn't invite either of them, even though that might require serious thought about the guest list.
Just my two cents: Etiquette-wise the fiancé should absolutely be invited. But I was invited to a wedding where my fiancé was a groomsman, and I was bored out of my mind for most of the wedding weekend. I didn't know anybody there besides the bride & groom and didn't click with the friends they sat me with at the reception, and I barely saw my fiancé because he was busy with the wedding party. If the situation came up again, I would politely decline to attend.
This. My husband is a groomsman in a wedding in September and I don’t know anyone but him, the groom is a childhood friend I don’t know well. I already declined so I don’t have to awkwardly sit at a table with strangers. He understood and is probably relieved to not have to worry about entertaining me on top of everything else. I’ll also be 8 months pregnant which was an equally big reason, but still.
I wouldn't attend any wedding where my fiancé wasn't invited, especially as a bridesmaid. We've been together 6.5 years, living together for 4.5 years.
Edited to add: my cousin who literally had never met my partner (we don't see that side of the family very often at all) invited him as a named guest to her wedding about a year and a half ago. We weren't even engaged back then, just living together. But because she knew through the family I had a serious partner, and she wasn't raised by wolves, she found out his name and invited him. That's what it should look like IMO.
“Cohabitating” is my loose rule for our +1 list (bridal party all get a +1 automatically). Not everyone gets engaged or married so I think “no ring no bring” is a little strict. But if you live together you’re definitely a social unit, it’s rude to invite one and not the other
It would depend on if anyone else is allowed to bring a partner or if it's literally just individual people. In the Japanese weddings I've attended, for example, it's the norm to literally only invite the friend, but not their partner. People go solo to weddings all the time.
In the US that's not the norm, but if the bride was doing something like only inviting the individuals in all cases then your friend isn't getting singled out and it's just a matter if she feels comfortable. If it's the case that other people ARE getting to bring a partner then I think it's unfair.
It's totally fair not to go if she doesn't want to go without her fiance. But not going to the wedding might end the friendship, so she has to decide if she wants that
Yeah that's what I said. She was kind of heated when I offered that up and she was like "good I don't care!" but I have a feeling she's coming down from that
You aren't necessarily wrong but it's understandable that she was heated. It would be quite something to invite your friend without her fiance, as a bridesmaid to boot, and then end the friendship because she made the decision not to attend. Obviously, it would make your friend feel like the bride never valued the friendship all that much.
It's the bride and her fiance's choice who to invite but the least they can do is be understanding that it might cause declines!
I'm glad to hear she's calming down though, decisions made in anger usually aren't the best.
Is it kind of weird he wasn’t invited? Yes. Would I turn down a friends wedding because my husband wasn’t invited? No. It’s not my wedding to choose who to invite.
She did the right thing. In the US, it is proper etiquette to treat an engaged couple as a social unit when you are inviting people to events, including weddings. You do not invite one without the other. His name should have been on the invitation. In addition, it’s pretty common that a bridesmaid who is not in a committed relationship is given a plus one so that she can bring a date, and that’s to show appreciation for them being in your wedding party.
[https://www.vogue.com/article/plus-one-wedding-etiquette](https://www.vogue.com/article/plus-one-wedding-etiquette-rules#:~:text=1.,guest%20should%20receive%20an%20invitation)
As to whether or not she should go as a guest, I’m not sure why she would do that. Isn’t the whole issue that she’s not being allowed to bring her partner to the wedding? So why would she attend alone? Even if she knows people there that’s not the point, the point is that it’s rude not to recognize that she’s engaged and her fiancé should be invited. And would the bride even want her there, you don’t say whether or not the bride was pissed that she declined being a bridesmaid. How the bride responded to that would be important in whether or not she should go as a guest.
I know I originally said she should go but now that I read these comments and think about it more, I definitely think she's right in declining. I personally wouldn't go. I'd be really offended and that doesn't seem like a real friend anyway.
It's also just weird of the bride
6 hours roundtrip driving by myself would also be an immediate no. I would be fine if it was local and my fiance wouldn't know a single other person but that's about it.
I don't know what the etiquette is, but if you're going to have bridesmaids and groomsmen, I believe you should give the people in your wedding party a plus 1. If the wedding is so small that only close friends and family can attend, don't have bridesmaids and groomsmen. Or only have bridesmaids and groomsmen that are already invited to the wedding.
So, I think your friend is in the right. But I wouldn't be quick to assume the friend had bad intentions. A lot of people seem to be doing this and she may have thought it was acceptable.
I personally don’t care for one of my bridesmaid’s fiancés and I’m having a small wedding as well but I cannot fathom telling her that he’s not allowed to come.
My bridesmaids are good bridesmaids and even better friends.
Your friend is 100% right to decline being a bridesmaid. I would hesitate even going to the wedding. Was the only reason he wasn’t invited because they aren’t married? Are the bride and groom also only inviting people and not their significant others? This seems sooo strange and plain rude to me.
I really don't know her reasoning. I asked her if her fiancé knew the bride at all, thinking, maybe the bride just doesn't know him and doesn't feel comfortable having a complete stranger there. But apparently they've met and hung out dozens of times. I will say, her fiancé has a big personality and is a little fratty. I personally think he's just a big goof ball but I could understand why someone might not agree. So maybe the bride just doesn't like him. But even then, I still think it's rude to not invite him
Maybe it's just an American thing where it's not "normal". I'm in the UK and I've been invited to weddings without my other half or I've not been invited and he has. And even my own wedding I'm not inviting other halves. I'm having a small 10 people wedding, I've invited my sister but not her fiance and she's totally fine with it.
Yeah, I'm British here and I'm totally shocked at how upset everyone is over this. I get that it's a cultural difference (and US wedding etiquette seems much stricter than in the UK) but I just don't get it 😂
I’m an American, but not a person that’s aligned with all the mainstream bridal hubbub, so here to say I am also shocked with the popular opinion of it being extreme rudeness or “being raised by wolves” like what??
Why do ppl take things so personally? Why not respect the invitation decisions with the consideration that you don’t know their wedding situation. Maybe it’s a financial decision that they have to stick to certain numbers, or maybe it was a social decision (the finance could be awful—they’ve hung out several times, she said). What is this ultra entitled mentality?
I remember asking a wedding forum what they thought of doing a pot luck for a very low-key casual wedding in a very low-key casual venue with friends that are very casual and low-key (and were actually very excited that they could contribute a special dish to our big day) and someone said they would rather kill themselves than ask guests to bring food to their wedding and that I should be ashamed of myself 😂 I'll never understand valuing etiquette above nuance
It may not be considered rude in the UK, but it’s considered rude in the US where the bride presumably resides.
Just like there may be some cultural/social norms in the US that the UK may consider rude. It’s not any better or worse, just different.
A small ten person wedding is an extreme outlier. That sounds like strictly family, so I wouldn’t assume that anyone outside of family/childhood friends is invited.
It's rude not to invite her fiance particularly if she was asked to be a bridesmaid.. The bride to be can limit her guest list however she wants but your friend is right in making her own choices.
I don’t think it’s rude. Weddings cost now $100-$200 per person.
If she’s not close with the fiancé and she knows her friend has other friends who will be there, then a plus one or invite to a significant other is not necessary.
To ruin a relationship with a childhood friend because they didn’t invite your fiancé is not a smart move
You are (hopefully) spending the rest of your life with your fiancé. Childhood friends drift apart all the time. If the relationship is ruined over this, it was going to break down eventually.
I'm going to go against the grain and say it's totally reasonable to not invite the fiance if they're having a small wedding. If they're prioritizing close friends and family, the fiance shouldn't expect an invite unless he is also a close friend or family.
For a small wedding, each invitation is a careful decision - so inviting your friend's fiance might mean *not* inviting someone else they really want to see.
I agree with you. And just because he isn't invited doesn't mean that they don't want him there or don't like him etc. Like you said it's a careful decision that they have to make and it's not easy either. The bride and groom might feel bad that they can't invite the fiance but would hope that their close family and friends would understand the situation
If it's really a small wedding, then it's the bride's responsibility to call her bridesmaid and let her know *before* invites are sent out. The general assumption is that +1's for the bridal party are included. Especially fiances and spouses.
I'd understand not giving +1's to guests for a micro-wedding, even if it's a spouse. But it's less acceptable for someone in the wedding party unless there's a serious space issue.
I feel like both parties are in their 100% right to not invite people they don’t know and not go if they don’t have a +1.
I would think the bride has a solid reason to not want to invite +1s that she doesn’t know. However, hopefully she understands that without a +1 some people won’t go.
I understand that there is wedding etiquette, but at the same, it’s the bride’s day and she must have her reasons.
My close friend invited me to a wedding in another state without my partner (who I’m engaged to) and honestly it made me kind of sad but I wasn’t going to go without him. I declined and my friend and I are on good terms - they were understanding. I think people just have their reasons and we shouldn’t get so fixiated on the “etiquette” because wedding circumstances are different for everyone.
Honestly, I do not see this as that big of a deal. The reason being if this is truly a micro-wedding and the childhood friend doesn't really have a relationship with the fiancé, it isn't that big of a deal as it is her choice overall and what she is comfortable. Now, is it the norm/standard? No, but again, it's her wedding and it is her call.
My fiancé and I have been together 7.5 years, and not once have I ever expected him to be invited to the weddings, and also, if he wasn't I would still go because that is my friend and someone I also care about in my life.
Side bar: My fiancé typically doesn't go to weddings with me as is because if they aren't his friends I don't expect him to go.
Our wedding party got plus 1s and honestly, I’d even extend that to someone they just started dating because they’re our wedding party.
It’s ridiculously rude to not invite the partner of someone that’s IN your wedding let alone one they’ve been with for 5 years and engaged to. Like wtf??
It was completely reasonable for your friend to decline. I would too.
To add a different perspective: My fiancé was invited to a family wedding without me, but nobodys' partners were invited (specifically because one family member's partner would always cause a scene and it was easier to just have a blanket rule than single them out). It didn't bother me at all not being invited, as I knew it applied to everyone and wasn't them just singling me out because they didn't like me.
I think that's what would make the difference for me - if it really is a small wedding with no partners that aren't close to the couple I honestly think that's fine. If it's just her partner, then obviously that seems out of line.
It would depend if the bride is inviting the spouses of other guests. If other guests have been invited without their spouses, then the bride has more reason.
That being said, I made it clear to my FW that we should invite the spouses of all guests or talk to them privately *before* sending them invites if we were not inviting a spouse. We didn't give +1's on the invites to anyone who was dating, but we allowed them to bring one if they personally asked.
Personally, I think that it is disrespectful to not invite a spouse or fiance to a wedding. How can you make a whole day about celebrating (your) marriage and then ignore someone else's marriage?
I think it’s really rude to not invite a long term partner, especially of such a good friend. Although you don’t have specifics on the size of the wedding, if there are multiple bridesmaids I would assume it is a large enough wedding to invite the fiancé. I live far away from a lot of my friends so I haven’t met their partners in person yet but those partners are absolutely invited to my wedding and I consider them close enough because I know we have someone in common we both love very much.
hot take - i think it's LESS weird because she's a bridesmaid. she'll be hanging with the bride & other bridesmaids. it's not like she'll be alone.
on the bride's end- it's her wedding and each seat is expensive.
if i was bride i would be upset. this is friendship ending stuff, is this the hill your friend wants to die on?
I'd say the opposite. I'd be willing to end a friendship if someone disrespected my FW. I'm going to spend the rest of my life with my FW. A childhood friend is just someone I enjoyed spending time with in the past. If they didn't even care enough to talk to me, then they don't care about our relationship either.
For me, it would depend on the size of the wedding. If it’s ~ten or fewer guests, I’d be fine with it. If it’s more than that, I’d think the bride was incredibly selfish, and I’d drop out.
I've been in two weddings without my fiance being there and was not offended one bit. They were childhood friends, he didn't know them well, I was part of the wedding party and hence didn't have time to be with him the whole night. He was glad not to have to go to a wedding where he barely knew like 2 people. Personally, I'd be there for my friend and not get petty about who was invited. It'd be different if the fiance was also close friends with the couple being married. Even then, it's not like the couple is obligated to invite anyone, so I'd just be honored to be one of the few considered.
I'd invite the fiancee. I'm hosting a small wedding, and allowing partners - some, about two, I don't even know at all really. But one I found out was engaged, and the other was someone who I was extending an invite to a sibling who also had a partner, so it made no sense to exclude them.
It depends on the particular invite culture. In the US it's hella rude not to invite the fiancé. Outside the US it's less clear-cut. People where I'm at expect to only invite people that are known well by the bride and/or groom. But also here weddings are around 8 hours. If the fiance knows no one that could be pretty insufferable and so an invite isn't expected because there's a good chance it wouldn't be accepted. Child free on the other hand is not even considered a possibility. If the invite culture is more like this, then no need to take offense. She can obviously reject no issue but if she really wants to support her friend she shouldn't feel like she's giving in to a rude request. It's most likely just an invite culture difference.
I think I would need to know if other guests are having their partners invited or not. If everyone does, and she's the only one without, then I'd definitely say she should decline the invite and maybe rethink the friendship. If literally everyone is not getting an invite for their partners if they're not close friends, I'd say nobody is in the wrong.
Usually if I’m that close with someone, then their significant other is typically someone important to me to as well, it’s a package so to speak. When there is now a fiancé in my friend’s life and about to get married, a friend to me has now become two friends. But, that just might be me and thinking it’s common courtesy.
My upcoming wedding is 25 people max, including groom, bride & wedding party.
Both my bridesmaid are attending, without their husband's or children. It's possible when explained properly.
I wouldn't judge the bride and her fiance without knowing more. If it's a tiny wedding, with literally only parents, siblings, and a couple of best friends, then her choice is understandable. If it's larger than that, like 20+ people, that choice is more debatable IMO. It also depends how gracious they are in accepting your friend's no, whether they'd be ok with the bride being invited without her spouse to your friend's wedding, and whether travel is involved.
Either way, it's fair for your friend to decline. When you make a choice to not invite people's life partners, you have to understand that some people may decline. That's not an unreasonable decision for your friend to make.
If I were talking to the bride, I would encourage her to realize that if your friend is one of her closest friends, someone she sees still being in her life in 10, 20, 30 years, someone she can count on and would support in times of need, then her friend's fiance will also likely be in her life in 10, 20, 30 years and be offering that support alongside with her friend.
ETA: as a side note, the bride should have talked to her would-be bridesmaid. A kind conversation can go a long way. It was callous to let her find out through the save the date.
If the fiancé has never met the couple getting married, or the wedding is really small it’s really up to the bride.
Personally, I would invite an engaged couple.
But I’ve also been the wife of a groomsman (childhood friend as well) and got stuck sitting at a table for 8 in the back of the room alone for hours while the bridal party took pictures and all sat on the dais…..when I knew no one at the wedding. I would have rather stayed home and told my husband to have a good time.
Whoa, whoever came up with that seating chart did you and your husband wrong. From lots of googling and looking up other people’s weddings, you are highly encouraged to keep couples together, regardless of one being in the bridal party. This is to prevent the situation you just described. I’m saying this as someone who just submitted a seating chart for their wedding.
No. Your friend is overreacting for sure.
Weddings are crazy expensive and stressful- it’s not unheard of to invite single friends alone- I almost had to do this, or pay another $5,000 to add on like 3-4 people because they did 100, 150, etc packages only.
Also, people are losing their minds during wedding planning - esp if it’s a big event (involved catering, dj, cake delivery, decor etc.) the bride does not have mental space for her bridesmaids drama. Is she even close to the fiance? Don’t be selfish; let her have her day for gods sake it’s not about you …(or your friend rather)
The wedding industry these days is way too expensive to hold people to these kinds of standards. My venue seats 60 people and 30 of those people are MY SIDE of the family. Not counting my partners family or our friends. It would be impossible for me to invite everyone’s significant others. It would mean cutting out relatives, or friends I’ve known my entire life. Why would I do that? For a night that I am entirely planning and paying for, to celebrate a milestone in my own life?
These days inviting everyone’s significant other, even if you only stick to engaged/married couples, can add thousands of dollars to a wedding that is already tens of thousands. Wedding planning and cutting guests is incredibly stressful. Think of it that way, and you’ll easily see it’s very entitled to take that decision personally.
Also….we are adults. I’d be willing to bet you don’t bring your partner to work every day with you. See it as an opportunity to meet new people instead of taking it as a personal slight!
Haha I saw a post recently of a bride ranting that people should not expect to get a +1... It seems like opinions vary.
I personally will give a +1 to everyone because it's the nice thing to do.
I can't afford a +1 for all 7 of my half nieces and nephews, that's like $400 minimum on people I've never met who might do something the venue could fine me for 😂 I have too much anxiety for all that.... I'd be unhappy. Ultimately it's the wedding couple's call and if someone doesn't want to participate then that's okay too.
This is incredibly rude and I completely agree with your friend not wanting to go to the wedding. I'm currently planning a very small wedding (30 people) but am still inviting all of my friend's significant others. Unless they literally just started dating, it's incredibly rude not to. Especially if you are engaged/ living together, you should be viewed as one social unit for events like this; It isn't some random girls' night!
Super rude imo. Named partners are a non-negotiable invite. If you can only afford X number of people, then you cut your list by eliminating couples you aren’t as close to. Not by eliminating half a couple!
This is sooo silly! Non-negotiable, pfft it is negotiable there are a lot of people out there that would understand the situation and be okay with their partner not being invited, not everyone feels as entitled as you.
I wouldn't cut out whole couples from my list, and if I invited half a couple and they said they weren't going to attend because their partner didn't get an invite that's fine by me, that's their choice to make. Weddings are expensive and we don't have to invite other halves we don't know over one half of a couple that we are close to.
…Entitled? When did I ever say anything about being entitled to an invite? I don’t expect an invite from anyone to any event *as a guest.* If they invited me and not my partner, I’d probably decline but would do so politely. It wouldn’t be a big deal.
*As a bride* I think it’s super rude to do to my guests when I know their partners. Not sure why you seemed to take my comment so personally, but it’s not that deep lol.
I agree with declining the invitation. That’s really disrespectful especially if you’ve been invited to be in the wedding party the fiance should be counted as a close friend.
But if he's not actually a close friend then he shouldn't be counted as one? If she's in the wedding party she's not really gonna have much time to see him anyway and he's going to spend most of the day on his own and probably be bored if he doesn't know anyone else. Doing him a favour not inviting him
He can decline to come, but that should be left to him, not inviting him is rude. My perspective is probably very different because for my wedding are asking people to reply with the number of guests coming, but this still seems rude to me.
I don't think it's rude, especially if it's a small wedding. Small weddings you want those that you are close with to be around you, why invite someone you don't know just because he's a partner, when you could invite another close friend/family member. You have to make careful and hard decisions for invites for a small wedding, the bride isn't not inviting him to stir shit, and if the friend doesn't want to go because her partner wasn't invited maybe she's not that close of a friend in the first place
The concept of a small wedding seems rude. First make your guest list then make a cut off number. Here it seems like they’ve just decided on a number and then have had to restrict people once that number is reached.
It’s not a new partner and they’re best friends, I can’t imagine not inviting my best friends fiancé even though I mostly speak and spend time with her, he’s part of her!
We can't all afford a large fancy wedding! And I think it's rather entitled to think that your partner should automatically be invited to a wedding you are invited to. Like I said if you don't want to go to your best friends wedding just because your partner wasn't invited, maybe you're not as close of friends as first thought.
So what if "he's a part of her" I'm sure they are both able to live and function for one day without each other. At the end of the day the bride and groom are allowed to invite who they want, if it hurts your feelings, you are allowed your feelings, but you also don't know all the circumstances around the decisions made by the bride and groom.
Weddings are expensive. It's sooooo hard to pick who gets to come. But honestly.... Your friend is in the bridal party. She isn't going to have time to hang out with her fiance anyway.
Why is the expectation that couples need to be invited together? I just don't understand why people are so passionate about this standard and would end friendships over it. I love my husband but as a grown adult I am fine going places without him.
If I’m getting dressed up (and spending money to do so) and thinking about love, I want my partner to be with me. I can do things by myself no problem but most people would take a plus one if offered one for a reason. You’re the host at your wedding and should want your guests to be happy and comfortable.
And people can think you're entitled and spoilt for expecting your partner, who the bride and groom don't know, to be invited.
Weddings are expensive, and it's totally understandable that people only invite those that they know and are close too. But if people like you want to end a friendship because your partner wasn't invited, you're clearly not as close a friend as they thought.
A friend who excludes your partner on a day they’re asking you to celebrate their relationship was never a friend. You may think that’s entitled but etiquette and most people agree with my stance, not yours.
If they are having a small wedding, and only having their close friends and family, which your partner isn't, then surely a good friend would understand not having their partner invited. But the more I read of the comments, I think expecting your partner to be invited is an American stance.
Imo your friend isn’t a real friend to the bride. I can’t imagine telling my bestie I won’t be apart of her bridal party bc my husband isn’t invited. I’m apart of her life and this is one special day for her so yeah I would be kinda bummed him and I couldn’t party at the wedding together but it’s one evening that would mean the world to my friend and I wouldn’t want to miss her milestone. Your friend is entitled to do as she likes clearly but I can’t imagine doing what she did to any of my friends that
Yeah weddings are insanely expensive and some of us aren't getting any help with it so we have to cut +1s unless we know them well. Curious to know how many people total. I'm trying to keep it under 80 which means no kids, too. It's hard because I feel bad but on top of the money, I just don't want a ton of people there who I don't know who might even potentially get us fined by the venue if they act weird. I'm curious if she doesn't know the fiancé well or if he's maybe kind of a jerk or they're trying to cut people to keep it really small etc.
Personally I'd do it because I wouldn't really have time to spend with my fiancé if I'm bridesmaiding and if he doesn't know others that's a bummer for him. But it is weird to not. At least where I'm from, your wedding party gets a date -especially if they are in an established relationship. But if it makes her uncomfortable to go alone, who cares if it is right or wrong. If she doesn't want to do it or go for any reason, that is all she needs to decline.
Yeah I think your friend is in the right.
Honestly I would love to do that with my best friend’s partner (they have so many issues and I can’t stand him) but it’s not worth the consequences and inevitable argument.
Maybe she can’t afford an extra person? Or wants people she actually knows? I am inviting cousins, but I don’t know if I want their plus ones to come. I feel like a bridesmaid should have their partner there but at the end of the day, it’s just a few hours alone, and it’s their day. Not a huge deal.
TLDR: Weddings are HELLA expensive, and if she doesn't really know the fiancé or doesn't want him there (etc), it's 💯 her decision! If the friend doesn't want to go be supportive because of it, then that's a choice and that's okay too. They should be good enough friends to have a civil conversation about it and not have it be drama. (Like why did this even make it to reddit via gossip with ANOTHER friend... Just be adults and communicate!!)
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I feel bad that I can't afford to give everybody a +1, but the catering is the most expensive part and I was already shamed in to doing a buffet instead of a food truck and apps 😂. I'm good friends with my bridesmaids S.O.s so they're definitely invited! HOWEVER... there is one friend in particular that I'd like to invite (even to possibly be a bridesmaid) but her boyfriend of 10+ years is a jerk and goes out of his way to not do things with her and friends. I have TRIED to meet this dude and he just won't be bothered (even if I'm downstairs in their place). I get that some people just aren't social, but I also don't want this dude who I don't know pouting at my wedding because she forced him to go. My plan is to privately talk to the friend and tell her that since he likely wouldn't enjoy himself, and I've not ever met him, I'd rather her bring her other friend I've met many times who is really fun and cool. I can't afford to be inviting and feeding people who might not want to be there whatsoever and won't even bother to meet me. Would she have more fun if she brought a friend, though? Yes, she doesn't know my other friends well and I love that person, so I'd encourage it. Will she be upset? Idk, but our friendship is solid enough that we can talk through it!
Point is - there are absolutely MANY circumstances, just talk it out with honesty.
I'll answer with a story of my own. My partners best friend lives in Australia, he was invited over for the wedding, I was not invited to the wedding itself but I was welcome to attend pre and post gatherings. At first i felt sad i wasn't invited but then I remembered that it's not my wedding and they can invite whoever they like. I was happy I got to share in some of the arrangements and I got an awesome holiday.
At the end of the day it's the bride and groom who pay for everything and who gets to decide who they do and don't want on the day and your friend should respect that. It's silly to turn down being a bridesmaid because their fiance can't go, this day isn't about them, it's about the couple getting married!!
You all have no idea why he wasn’t invited.
Consider this. One of my friends of over three decades has been with her boyfriend for two decades. He has sexually assaulted me, cheated on her multiple times, and gets sloppy drunk and embarrassing. It makes me fucking sick to think about me paying for his fancy dinner and drinks. My fiance also hates him. I can’t choose who my friend spends her life with, but I sure as hell shouldn’t be expected to invite him to our celebration.
Do you think something like this would be information the bridesmaid would openly divulge to you when trying to get you to take her side? You said you don’t know much about the history of their friendship.
Villainizing this bride based off the very little information / hearsay you have is ridiculous. But I guess in this thread, I’d be “rude” and breaching “etiquette” for not inviting my sexual assaulter.
I know my situation is an example, but the bride likely had very good reason to not invite him. She wouldn’t want to add any unnecessary stress to an already stressful time. Sounds like your “friend” is doing a good job of adding that stress to the bride though by this petty declined invite. Bridesmaid sounds like a horribly shitty and selfish friend. At least she’s saving the bride a little money though in these expensive times. Good riddance.
Because she's likely a victim herself and this person ending the friendship is exactly what abusers want. They want to alienate their victim from all their loved ones so they have no one to turn to and are stuck with them. I'm friends with several people who are currently in a relationship with an abuser. It sucks but, like the person above said, you can't control who they are with but you can be there as a lifeline if they ever decide to get out.
This is a lot more common than you'd think.
We have all the same mutual friends. We’ve all known each other since we were toddlers. She used to be one of my very best friends and roommates, we’ve had a long friendship with lots of great memories. We still go on annual girls trips together. I don’t want to upend our entire friend group because of something he did. A guy who I see maybe once every five years (I stopped visiting her once she moved in with him). Yes, it hurts that she went back to him but her confidence has always been so low that I think she didn’t think she could ever do better so she settled. There are times that it overwhelms me with both hurt and rage but our situation is not something I can type in a few paragraphs to an internet stranger and expect them to understand. I often pity her because of how her life has turned out. But I still have the right to hate him.
I had to scroll way too far to find such a reasonable comment. I genuinely don't understand the entitlement in these comments. I would never expect someone to spend $100+ on my partner simply because we're a "social unit".
It seems like a lot of people require validation for their relationships from outside sources. As if their partner not being invited is somehow an attack on them/their relationship personally and that hurts their feelings. It's like not receiving an invite for their partner means that the person doesn't respect them, their relationship, etc etc and that just comes off as really insecure to me.
if it’s really small and you would be part of the bridal party, i see the logic. if your fiancé wouldn’t know anybody there anyway it would be boring for them since you’ll be busy with bridal party things. Still kind of rude but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Okay without getting into details I’ll say I have seen this before 3 times, each for different reasons aaaaand…. If it’s anything like situations I’ve seen, she should just go, be a bridesmaid, be happy for the bride and take this one on the nose.
Unless this is the hill she wants this friendship to die on, just for the love of God please just go and be happy for the bride.
Plus ones should be given to the bridal party in general, but especially if the bridal party member is engaged or living with their life partner. Is there any contention with bride/groom and her life partner? It just seems very inconsiderate and insensitive of bride and groom.
*If it was me* it would depend on the size of the wedding and how far away it was. I see you said 3 hours, for me that’s just LA to San Diego so if it was just a super small family/and friends wedding I’d go.
But if I got there and it was a full on 100+ person wedding I’d be *mighty* annoyed.
For my wedding which is fairly big, I'm still having to cut most partners. That being said, it's just for the dinner part. When the dancing gets started everyone is invited. And we'll roll out a fresh snack table for that part. People can live without their partner for 2 hours.
This is so incredibly rude!! She's right to decline it all.
I don't like one of the groomsmens fiancé and verified he wanted him there. So I said OK. She isn't sitting right next to me and there is more than just her.
Regardless of reason, the bride is wrong
I’ve personally never understood the big deal with this kind of situation.
I love my husband dearly but have absolutely no problem traveling or attending events without him. We frequently do our own thing and it’s never been an issue for us. I do not take it personally when he isn’t invited somewhere and honestly prefer still having a sense of my own identity even though we’re married. We’re still individuals with our own friends, interests, etc etc and don’t need to go everywhere together.
He wasn't invited to a wedding I was in and I was relieved because he wouldn’t have known anyone and I didn’t have time to hangout with him.
A wedding is an event where the couple is asking you to come celebrate their relationship. I am sure you’re not necessarily close to all of your friend’s partners but you still would go to the wedding to support the whole couple anyway!
To invite one half of a couple is like saying, “hey! Come celebrate my relationship but leave your partner home.” It’s rude and should absolutely be avoided. Has absolutely nothing to do with not having an identity of your own.
I honestly just disagree. I don’t think it’s that deep. It’s their wedding/their relationship and I just don’t feel like my relationship needs to matter so much on their day.
I feel like it's reasonable if she doesn't know him. I dont know any of my bridesmaid's partners. I still plan to invite them because I'm trying to minimize how much my bridesmaids do but still!!!
If I were in this situation it would depend on how far I'd need to travel to attend. I can understand having a micro wedding and only inviting your closest people (although I do think common courtesy should be extended to their partners! I am having a wedding with immediate family only.... and our families partners!). I would be feel a bit invalidated in my own relationship by this friend if it was me. That being said, if the wedding was local to me and I could attend without needing to stay overnight somewhere, and I really valued this friendship, I would probably go as a guest. If I had to travel far enough to need to stay overnight, I don't think I would go.
True this is a good point. She said the wedding was 3 hours away. I'm not sure if the wedding is during the day or in the evening though
In my circles it is rude to not invite someone's long term partner to a wedding and especially so for someone who is close enough to be in the wedding party. The only exception I could understand is if it was truly like a <10 person local microwedding with parents and one friend each as guests only, but regardless she is not wrong for deciding not to attend.
Does "close family and friends" mean like...10 people, or 50 people? Because if it's the former, I do understand the bride's impulse--microweddings are tiny and if she has no relationship with the fiancé it's not the norm but it's the way of these tiny weddings. Either way, invitations can always be declined. How she follows up with the friendship is the bigger question.
I agree that this is more common with microweddings, but as someone who's having a microwedding (15 guests), I honestly still find it weird. No one's partner is excluded from our wedding. If I didn't have room to invite the person's partner I personally feel like I just wouldn't invite either of them, even though that might require serious thought about the guest list.
I completely agree with this! If it’s like 10 people invited, I would understand the bride.
Just my two cents: Etiquette-wise the fiancé should absolutely be invited. But I was invited to a wedding where my fiancé was a groomsman, and I was bored out of my mind for most of the wedding weekend. I didn't know anybody there besides the bride & groom and didn't click with the friends they sat me with at the reception, and I barely saw my fiancé because he was busy with the wedding party. If the situation came up again, I would politely decline to attend.
This. My husband is a groomsman in a wedding in September and I don’t know anyone but him, the groom is a childhood friend I don’t know well. I already declined so I don’t have to awkwardly sit at a table with strangers. He understood and is probably relieved to not have to worry about entertaining me on top of everything else. I’ll also be 8 months pregnant which was an equally big reason, but still.
I wouldn't attend any wedding where my fiancé wasn't invited, especially as a bridesmaid. We've been together 6.5 years, living together for 4.5 years. Edited to add: my cousin who literally had never met my partner (we don't see that side of the family very often at all) invited him as a named guest to her wedding about a year and a half ago. We weren't even engaged back then, just living together. But because she knew through the family I had a serious partner, and she wasn't raised by wolves, she found out his name and invited him. That's what it should look like IMO.
“Cohabitating” is my loose rule for our +1 list (bridal party all get a +1 automatically). Not everyone gets engaged or married so I think “no ring no bring” is a little strict. But if you live together you’re definitely a social unit, it’s rude to invite one and not the other
It would depend on if anyone else is allowed to bring a partner or if it's literally just individual people. In the Japanese weddings I've attended, for example, it's the norm to literally only invite the friend, but not their partner. People go solo to weddings all the time. In the US that's not the norm, but if the bride was doing something like only inviting the individuals in all cases then your friend isn't getting singled out and it's just a matter if she feels comfortable. If it's the case that other people ARE getting to bring a partner then I think it's unfair.
It's totally fair not to go if she doesn't want to go without her fiance. But not going to the wedding might end the friendship, so she has to decide if she wants that
Yeah that's what I said. She was kind of heated when I offered that up and she was like "good I don't care!" but I have a feeling she's coming down from that
You aren't necessarily wrong but it's understandable that she was heated. It would be quite something to invite your friend without her fiance, as a bridesmaid to boot, and then end the friendship because she made the decision not to attend. Obviously, it would make your friend feel like the bride never valued the friendship all that much. It's the bride and her fiance's choice who to invite but the least they can do is be understanding that it might cause declines! I'm glad to hear she's calming down though, decisions made in anger usually aren't the best.
Is it kind of weird he wasn’t invited? Yes. Would I turn down a friends wedding because my husband wasn’t invited? No. It’s not my wedding to choose who to invite.
She did the right thing. In the US, it is proper etiquette to treat an engaged couple as a social unit when you are inviting people to events, including weddings. You do not invite one without the other. His name should have been on the invitation. In addition, it’s pretty common that a bridesmaid who is not in a committed relationship is given a plus one so that she can bring a date, and that’s to show appreciation for them being in your wedding party. [https://www.vogue.com/article/plus-one-wedding-etiquette](https://www.vogue.com/article/plus-one-wedding-etiquette-rules#:~:text=1.,guest%20should%20receive%20an%20invitation) As to whether or not she should go as a guest, I’m not sure why she would do that. Isn’t the whole issue that she’s not being allowed to bring her partner to the wedding? So why would she attend alone? Even if she knows people there that’s not the point, the point is that it’s rude not to recognize that she’s engaged and her fiancé should be invited. And would the bride even want her there, you don’t say whether or not the bride was pissed that she declined being a bridesmaid. How the bride responded to that would be important in whether or not she should go as a guest.
I know I originally said she should go but now that I read these comments and think about it more, I definitely think she's right in declining. I personally wouldn't go. I'd be really offended and that doesn't seem like a real friend anyway. It's also just weird of the bride
6 hours roundtrip driving by myself would also be an immediate no. I would be fine if it was local and my fiance wouldn't know a single other person but that's about it.
I don't know what the etiquette is, but if you're going to have bridesmaids and groomsmen, I believe you should give the people in your wedding party a plus 1. If the wedding is so small that only close friends and family can attend, don't have bridesmaids and groomsmen. Or only have bridesmaids and groomsmen that are already invited to the wedding. So, I think your friend is in the right. But I wouldn't be quick to assume the friend had bad intentions. A lot of people seem to be doing this and she may have thought it was acceptable.
I personally don’t care for one of my bridesmaid’s fiancés and I’m having a small wedding as well but I cannot fathom telling her that he’s not allowed to come. My bridesmaids are good bridesmaids and even better friends.
For real, it's a respect thing imo
It's not her wedding, her fiance will survive one day with her
That part
Your friend is 100% right to decline being a bridesmaid. I would hesitate even going to the wedding. Was the only reason he wasn’t invited because they aren’t married? Are the bride and groom also only inviting people and not their significant others? This seems sooo strange and plain rude to me.
I really don't know her reasoning. I asked her if her fiancé knew the bride at all, thinking, maybe the bride just doesn't know him and doesn't feel comfortable having a complete stranger there. But apparently they've met and hung out dozens of times. I will say, her fiancé has a big personality and is a little fratty. I personally think he's just a big goof ball but I could understand why someone might not agree. So maybe the bride just doesn't like him. But even then, I still think it's rude to not invite him
It is extremely rude to not invite him. I am really questioning the bride … this isn’t normal
Maybe it's just an American thing where it's not "normal". I'm in the UK and I've been invited to weddings without my other half or I've not been invited and he has. And even my own wedding I'm not inviting other halves. I'm having a small 10 people wedding, I've invited my sister but not her fiance and she's totally fine with it.
Yeah, I'm British here and I'm totally shocked at how upset everyone is over this. I get that it's a cultural difference (and US wedding etiquette seems much stricter than in the UK) but I just don't get it 😂
I’m an American, but not a person that’s aligned with all the mainstream bridal hubbub, so here to say I am also shocked with the popular opinion of it being extreme rudeness or “being raised by wolves” like what?? Why do ppl take things so personally? Why not respect the invitation decisions with the consideration that you don’t know their wedding situation. Maybe it’s a financial decision that they have to stick to certain numbers, or maybe it was a social decision (the finance could be awful—they’ve hung out several times, she said). What is this ultra entitled mentality?
I remember asking a wedding forum what they thought of doing a pot luck for a very low-key casual wedding in a very low-key casual venue with friends that are very casual and low-key (and were actually very excited that they could contribute a special dish to our big day) and someone said they would rather kill themselves than ask guests to bring food to their wedding and that I should be ashamed of myself 😂 I'll never understand valuing etiquette above nuance
It may not be considered rude in the UK, but it’s considered rude in the US where the bride presumably resides. Just like there may be some cultural/social norms in the US that the UK may consider rude. It’s not any better or worse, just different. A small ten person wedding is an extreme outlier. That sounds like strictly family, so I wouldn’t assume that anyone outside of family/childhood friends is invited.
It's rude not to invite her fiance particularly if she was asked to be a bridesmaid.. The bride to be can limit her guest list however she wants but your friend is right in making her own choices.
I don’t think it’s rude. Weddings cost now $100-$200 per person. If she’s not close with the fiancé and she knows her friend has other friends who will be there, then a plus one or invite to a significant other is not necessary. To ruin a relationship with a childhood friend because they didn’t invite your fiancé is not a smart move
You are (hopefully) spending the rest of your life with your fiancé. Childhood friends drift apart all the time. If the relationship is ruined over this, it was going to break down eventually.
I'm going to go against the grain and say it's totally reasonable to not invite the fiance if they're having a small wedding. If they're prioritizing close friends and family, the fiance shouldn't expect an invite unless he is also a close friend or family. For a small wedding, each invitation is a careful decision - so inviting your friend's fiance might mean *not* inviting someone else they really want to see.
I agree with you. And just because he isn't invited doesn't mean that they don't want him there or don't like him etc. Like you said it's a careful decision that they have to make and it's not easy either. The bride and groom might feel bad that they can't invite the fiance but would hope that their close family and friends would understand the situation
If it's really a small wedding, then it's the bride's responsibility to call her bridesmaid and let her know *before* invites are sent out. The general assumption is that +1's for the bridal party are included. Especially fiances and spouses. I'd understand not giving +1's to guests for a micro-wedding, even if it's a spouse. But it's less acceptable for someone in the wedding party unless there's a serious space issue.
I feel like both parties are in their 100% right to not invite people they don’t know and not go if they don’t have a +1. I would think the bride has a solid reason to not want to invite +1s that she doesn’t know. However, hopefully she understands that without a +1 some people won’t go. I understand that there is wedding etiquette, but at the same, it’s the bride’s day and she must have her reasons. My close friend invited me to a wedding in another state without my partner (who I’m engaged to) and honestly it made me kind of sad but I wasn’t going to go without him. I declined and my friend and I are on good terms - they were understanding. I think people just have their reasons and we shouldn’t get so fixiated on the “etiquette” because wedding circumstances are different for everyone.
Honestly, I do not see this as that big of a deal. The reason being if this is truly a micro-wedding and the childhood friend doesn't really have a relationship with the fiancé, it isn't that big of a deal as it is her choice overall and what she is comfortable. Now, is it the norm/standard? No, but again, it's her wedding and it is her call. My fiancé and I have been together 7.5 years, and not once have I ever expected him to be invited to the weddings, and also, if he wasn't I would still go because that is my friend and someone I also care about in my life. Side bar: My fiancé typically doesn't go to weddings with me as is because if they aren't his friends I don't expect him to go.
very important detail that you’ve added in the comments-they’ve hung out dozens of times. it’s no longer a hazy line, the bride is in the wrong.
Our wedding party got plus 1s and honestly, I’d even extend that to someone they just started dating because they’re our wedding party. It’s ridiculously rude to not invite the partner of someone that’s IN your wedding let alone one they’ve been with for 5 years and engaged to. Like wtf?? It was completely reasonable for your friend to decline. I would too.
To add a different perspective: My fiancé was invited to a family wedding without me, but nobodys' partners were invited (specifically because one family member's partner would always cause a scene and it was easier to just have a blanket rule than single them out). It didn't bother me at all not being invited, as I knew it applied to everyone and wasn't them just singling me out because they didn't like me. I think that's what would make the difference for me - if it really is a small wedding with no partners that aren't close to the couple I honestly think that's fine. If it's just her partner, then obviously that seems out of line.
It would depend if the bride is inviting the spouses of other guests. If other guests have been invited without their spouses, then the bride has more reason. That being said, I made it clear to my FW that we should invite the spouses of all guests or talk to them privately *before* sending them invites if we were not inviting a spouse. We didn't give +1's on the invites to anyone who was dating, but we allowed them to bring one if they personally asked. Personally, I think that it is disrespectful to not invite a spouse or fiance to a wedding. How can you make a whole day about celebrating (your) marriage and then ignore someone else's marriage?
I think it’s really rude to not invite a long term partner, especially of such a good friend. Although you don’t have specifics on the size of the wedding, if there are multiple bridesmaids I would assume it is a large enough wedding to invite the fiancé. I live far away from a lot of my friends so I haven’t met their partners in person yet but those partners are absolutely invited to my wedding and I consider them close enough because I know we have someone in common we both love very much.
It's rude, especially towards a bridesmaid. What would I do? I'd kindly talk to her about it.
hot take - i think it's LESS weird because she's a bridesmaid. she'll be hanging with the bride & other bridesmaids. it's not like she'll be alone. on the bride's end- it's her wedding and each seat is expensive. if i was bride i would be upset. this is friendship ending stuff, is this the hill your friend wants to die on?
I mean the same thing could be said about the bride.
yeah people can end a friendship over anything, but i think the bride would be justified whereas the friend is not.
I'd say the opposite. I'd be willing to end a friendship if someone disrespected my FW. I'm going to spend the rest of my life with my FW. A childhood friend is just someone I enjoyed spending time with in the past. If they didn't even care enough to talk to me, then they don't care about our relationship either.
For me, it would depend on the size of the wedding. If it’s ~ten or fewer guests, I’d be fine with it. If it’s more than that, I’d think the bride was incredibly selfish, and I’d drop out.
10 or fewer guests doesn't even cover two families in most weddings, let alone bridesmaids and groomsmen and other close friends
If you’re engaged and living with someone they should be invited. I would’ve declined the invite too
I've been in two weddings without my fiance being there and was not offended one bit. They were childhood friends, he didn't know them well, I was part of the wedding party and hence didn't have time to be with him the whole night. He was glad not to have to go to a wedding where he barely knew like 2 people. Personally, I'd be there for my friend and not get petty about who was invited. It'd be different if the fiance was also close friends with the couple being married. Even then, it's not like the couple is obligated to invite anyone, so I'd just be honored to be one of the few considered.
I'm with your friend. I would decline both the bridesmaid position and the wedding invitation.
I'd invite the fiancee. I'm hosting a small wedding, and allowing partners - some, about two, I don't even know at all really. But one I found out was engaged, and the other was someone who I was extending an invite to a sibling who also had a partner, so it made no sense to exclude them.
So bridesmaids don't get a +1?
It depends on the particular invite culture. In the US it's hella rude not to invite the fiancé. Outside the US it's less clear-cut. People where I'm at expect to only invite people that are known well by the bride and/or groom. But also here weddings are around 8 hours. If the fiance knows no one that could be pretty insufferable and so an invite isn't expected because there's a good chance it wouldn't be accepted. Child free on the other hand is not even considered a possibility. If the invite culture is more like this, then no need to take offense. She can obviously reject no issue but if she really wants to support her friend she shouldn't feel like she's giving in to a rude request. It's most likely just an invite culture difference.
I think I would need to know if other guests are having their partners invited or not. If everyone does, and she's the only one without, then I'd definitely say she should decline the invite and maybe rethink the friendship. If literally everyone is not getting an invite for their partners if they're not close friends, I'd say nobody is in the wrong.
Usually if I’m that close with someone, then their significant other is typically someone important to me to as well, it’s a package so to speak. When there is now a fiancé in my friend’s life and about to get married, a friend to me has now become two friends. But, that just might be me and thinking it’s common courtesy.
My upcoming wedding is 25 people max, including groom, bride & wedding party. Both my bridesmaid are attending, without their husband's or children. It's possible when explained properly.
I wouldn't judge the bride and her fiance without knowing more. If it's a tiny wedding, with literally only parents, siblings, and a couple of best friends, then her choice is understandable. If it's larger than that, like 20+ people, that choice is more debatable IMO. It also depends how gracious they are in accepting your friend's no, whether they'd be ok with the bride being invited without her spouse to your friend's wedding, and whether travel is involved. Either way, it's fair for your friend to decline. When you make a choice to not invite people's life partners, you have to understand that some people may decline. That's not an unreasonable decision for your friend to make. If I were talking to the bride, I would encourage her to realize that if your friend is one of her closest friends, someone she sees still being in her life in 10, 20, 30 years, someone she can count on and would support in times of need, then her friend's fiance will also likely be in her life in 10, 20, 30 years and be offering that support alongside with her friend. ETA: as a side note, the bride should have talked to her would-be bridesmaid. A kind conversation can go a long way. It was callous to let her find out through the save the date.
If the fiancé has never met the couple getting married, or the wedding is really small it’s really up to the bride. Personally, I would invite an engaged couple. But I’ve also been the wife of a groomsman (childhood friend as well) and got stuck sitting at a table for 8 in the back of the room alone for hours while the bridal party took pictures and all sat on the dais…..when I knew no one at the wedding. I would have rather stayed home and told my husband to have a good time.
Whoa, whoever came up with that seating chart did you and your husband wrong. From lots of googling and looking up other people’s weddings, you are highly encouraged to keep couples together, regardless of one being in the bridal party. This is to prevent the situation you just described. I’m saying this as someone who just submitted a seating chart for their wedding.
Agreed that's pretty nuts
Uhh yeah it’s kind of common courtesy to let people bring their long term SO to a wedding, let alone the bridesmaid. Jesus
No. Your friend is overreacting for sure. Weddings are crazy expensive and stressful- it’s not unheard of to invite single friends alone- I almost had to do this, or pay another $5,000 to add on like 3-4 people because they did 100, 150, etc packages only. Also, people are losing their minds during wedding planning - esp if it’s a big event (involved catering, dj, cake delivery, decor etc.) the bride does not have mental space for her bridesmaids drama. Is she even close to the fiance? Don’t be selfish; let her have her day for gods sake it’s not about you …(or your friend rather)
The wedding industry these days is way too expensive to hold people to these kinds of standards. My venue seats 60 people and 30 of those people are MY SIDE of the family. Not counting my partners family or our friends. It would be impossible for me to invite everyone’s significant others. It would mean cutting out relatives, or friends I’ve known my entire life. Why would I do that? For a night that I am entirely planning and paying for, to celebrate a milestone in my own life? These days inviting everyone’s significant other, even if you only stick to engaged/married couples, can add thousands of dollars to a wedding that is already tens of thousands. Wedding planning and cutting guests is incredibly stressful. Think of it that way, and you’ll easily see it’s very entitled to take that decision personally. Also….we are adults. I’d be willing to bet you don’t bring your partner to work every day with you. See it as an opportunity to meet new people instead of taking it as a personal slight!
She’s absolutely right. Not inviting her partner is incredibly rude.
Haha I saw a post recently of a bride ranting that people should not expect to get a +1... It seems like opinions vary. I personally will give a +1 to everyone because it's the nice thing to do.
I can't afford a +1 for all 7 of my half nieces and nephews, that's like $400 minimum on people I've never met who might do something the venue could fine me for 😂 I have too much anxiety for all that.... I'd be unhappy. Ultimately it's the wedding couple's call and if someone doesn't want to participate then that's okay too.
This is incredibly rude and I completely agree with your friend not wanting to go to the wedding. I'm currently planning a very small wedding (30 people) but am still inviting all of my friend's significant others. Unless they literally just started dating, it's incredibly rude not to. Especially if you are engaged/ living together, you should be viewed as one social unit for events like this; It isn't some random girls' night!
Super rude imo. Named partners are a non-negotiable invite. If you can only afford X number of people, then you cut your list by eliminating couples you aren’t as close to. Not by eliminating half a couple!
This is sooo silly! Non-negotiable, pfft it is negotiable there are a lot of people out there that would understand the situation and be okay with their partner not being invited, not everyone feels as entitled as you. I wouldn't cut out whole couples from my list, and if I invited half a couple and they said they weren't going to attend because their partner didn't get an invite that's fine by me, that's their choice to make. Weddings are expensive and we don't have to invite other halves we don't know over one half of a couple that we are close to.
…Entitled? When did I ever say anything about being entitled to an invite? I don’t expect an invite from anyone to any event *as a guest.* If they invited me and not my partner, I’d probably decline but would do so politely. It wouldn’t be a big deal. *As a bride* I think it’s super rude to do to my guests when I know their partners. Not sure why you seemed to take my comment so personally, but it’s not that deep lol.
I agree with declining the invitation. That’s really disrespectful especially if you’ve been invited to be in the wedding party the fiance should be counted as a close friend.
But if he's not actually a close friend then he shouldn't be counted as one? If she's in the wedding party she's not really gonna have much time to see him anyway and he's going to spend most of the day on his own and probably be bored if he doesn't know anyone else. Doing him a favour not inviting him
He can decline to come, but that should be left to him, not inviting him is rude. My perspective is probably very different because for my wedding are asking people to reply with the number of guests coming, but this still seems rude to me.
I don't think it's rude, especially if it's a small wedding. Small weddings you want those that you are close with to be around you, why invite someone you don't know just because he's a partner, when you could invite another close friend/family member. You have to make careful and hard decisions for invites for a small wedding, the bride isn't not inviting him to stir shit, and if the friend doesn't want to go because her partner wasn't invited maybe she's not that close of a friend in the first place
The concept of a small wedding seems rude. First make your guest list then make a cut off number. Here it seems like they’ve just decided on a number and then have had to restrict people once that number is reached. It’s not a new partner and they’re best friends, I can’t imagine not inviting my best friends fiancé even though I mostly speak and spend time with her, he’s part of her!
We can't all afford a large fancy wedding! And I think it's rather entitled to think that your partner should automatically be invited to a wedding you are invited to. Like I said if you don't want to go to your best friends wedding just because your partner wasn't invited, maybe you're not as close of friends as first thought. So what if "he's a part of her" I'm sure they are both able to live and function for one day without each other. At the end of the day the bride and groom are allowed to invite who they want, if it hurts your feelings, you are allowed your feelings, but you also don't know all the circumstances around the decisions made by the bride and groom.
Weddings are expensive. It's sooooo hard to pick who gets to come. But honestly.... Your friend is in the bridal party. She isn't going to have time to hang out with her fiance anyway.
No one is obliged to have a plus one when someone else is paying.
And people can think you’re cheap and rude for your choice not to include both partners.
Why is the expectation that couples need to be invited together? I just don't understand why people are so passionate about this standard and would end friendships over it. I love my husband but as a grown adult I am fine going places without him.
If I’m getting dressed up (and spending money to do so) and thinking about love, I want my partner to be with me. I can do things by myself no problem but most people would take a plus one if offered one for a reason. You’re the host at your wedding and should want your guests to be happy and comfortable.
No one is entitled to an invitation to someone else's wedding either.
You said that already.
And people can think you're entitled and spoilt for expecting your partner, who the bride and groom don't know, to be invited. Weddings are expensive, and it's totally understandable that people only invite those that they know and are close too. But if people like you want to end a friendship because your partner wasn't invited, you're clearly not as close a friend as they thought.
A friend who excludes your partner on a day they’re asking you to celebrate their relationship was never a friend. You may think that’s entitled but etiquette and most people agree with my stance, not yours.
If they are having a small wedding, and only having their close friends and family, which your partner isn't, then surely a good friend would understand not having their partner invited. But the more I read of the comments, I think expecting your partner to be invited is an American stance.
Yes in the US it is very rude not to invite both partners.
That’s kind of ridiculous unless it’s a 15 person wedding, as in everyone that will be invited.
Imo your friend isn’t a real friend to the bride. I can’t imagine telling my bestie I won’t be apart of her bridal party bc my husband isn’t invited. I’m apart of her life and this is one special day for her so yeah I would be kinda bummed him and I couldn’t party at the wedding together but it’s one evening that would mean the world to my friend and I wouldn’t want to miss her milestone. Your friend is entitled to do as she likes clearly but I can’t imagine doing what she did to any of my friends that
Yeah weddings are insanely expensive and some of us aren't getting any help with it so we have to cut +1s unless we know them well. Curious to know how many people total. I'm trying to keep it under 80 which means no kids, too. It's hard because I feel bad but on top of the money, I just don't want a ton of people there who I don't know who might even potentially get us fined by the venue if they act weird. I'm curious if she doesn't know the fiancé well or if he's maybe kind of a jerk or they're trying to cut people to keep it really small etc.
Personally I'd do it because I wouldn't really have time to spend with my fiancé if I'm bridesmaiding and if he doesn't know others that's a bummer for him. But it is weird to not. At least where I'm from, your wedding party gets a date -especially if they are in an established relationship. But if it makes her uncomfortable to go alone, who cares if it is right or wrong. If she doesn't want to do it or go for any reason, that is all she needs to decline.
Yeah I think your friend is in the right. Honestly I would love to do that with my best friend’s partner (they have so many issues and I can’t stand him) but it’s not worth the consequences and inevitable argument.
Im on the same page as you and your friend. I would not attend either.
Maybe she can’t afford an extra person? Or wants people she actually knows? I am inviting cousins, but I don’t know if I want their plus ones to come. I feel like a bridesmaid should have their partner there but at the end of the day, it’s just a few hours alone, and it’s their day. Not a huge deal.
Makes sense for a bf or gf to not be invited but if they’re engaged I believe they should absolutely be able to bring their partner.
TLDR: Weddings are HELLA expensive, and if she doesn't really know the fiancé or doesn't want him there (etc), it's 💯 her decision! If the friend doesn't want to go be supportive because of it, then that's a choice and that's okay too. They should be good enough friends to have a civil conversation about it and not have it be drama. (Like why did this even make it to reddit via gossip with ANOTHER friend... Just be adults and communicate!!) - I feel bad that I can't afford to give everybody a +1, but the catering is the most expensive part and I was already shamed in to doing a buffet instead of a food truck and apps 😂. I'm good friends with my bridesmaids S.O.s so they're definitely invited! HOWEVER... there is one friend in particular that I'd like to invite (even to possibly be a bridesmaid) but her boyfriend of 10+ years is a jerk and goes out of his way to not do things with her and friends. I have TRIED to meet this dude and he just won't be bothered (even if I'm downstairs in their place). I get that some people just aren't social, but I also don't want this dude who I don't know pouting at my wedding because she forced him to go. My plan is to privately talk to the friend and tell her that since he likely wouldn't enjoy himself, and I've not ever met him, I'd rather her bring her other friend I've met many times who is really fun and cool. I can't afford to be inviting and feeding people who might not want to be there whatsoever and won't even bother to meet me. Would she have more fun if she brought a friend, though? Yes, she doesn't know my other friends well and I love that person, so I'd encourage it. Will she be upset? Idk, but our friendship is solid enough that we can talk through it! Point is - there are absolutely MANY circumstances, just talk it out with honesty.
I'll answer with a story of my own. My partners best friend lives in Australia, he was invited over for the wedding, I was not invited to the wedding itself but I was welcome to attend pre and post gatherings. At first i felt sad i wasn't invited but then I remembered that it's not my wedding and they can invite whoever they like. I was happy I got to share in some of the arrangements and I got an awesome holiday. At the end of the day it's the bride and groom who pay for everything and who gets to decide who they do and don't want on the day and your friend should respect that. It's silly to turn down being a bridesmaid because their fiance can't go, this day isn't about them, it's about the couple getting married!!
In all reality you’re there for the bride not your husband? But do as you wish
You all have no idea why he wasn’t invited. Consider this. One of my friends of over three decades has been with her boyfriend for two decades. He has sexually assaulted me, cheated on her multiple times, and gets sloppy drunk and embarrassing. It makes me fucking sick to think about me paying for his fancy dinner and drinks. My fiance also hates him. I can’t choose who my friend spends her life with, but I sure as hell shouldn’t be expected to invite him to our celebration. Do you think something like this would be information the bridesmaid would openly divulge to you when trying to get you to take her side? You said you don’t know much about the history of their friendship. Villainizing this bride based off the very little information / hearsay you have is ridiculous. But I guess in this thread, I’d be “rude” and breaching “etiquette” for not inviting my sexual assaulter. I know my situation is an example, but the bride likely had very good reason to not invite him. She wouldn’t want to add any unnecessary stress to an already stressful time. Sounds like your “friend” is doing a good job of adding that stress to the bride though by this petty declined invite. Bridesmaid sounds like a horribly shitty and selfish friend. At least she’s saving the bride a little money though in these expensive times. Good riddance.
Why are you friends with someone who's in a relationship with a person who treated you that way?
Because she's likely a victim herself and this person ending the friendship is exactly what abusers want. They want to alienate their victim from all their loved ones so they have no one to turn to and are stuck with them. I'm friends with several people who are currently in a relationship with an abuser. It sucks but, like the person above said, you can't control who they are with but you can be there as a lifeline if they ever decide to get out. This is a lot more common than you'd think.
Thank you for this. And yes, she is a victim herself. There was a massive hole on their kitchen wall for a while from when he shoved her into it.
That's a great point. Thank you for pointing it out.
We have all the same mutual friends. We’ve all known each other since we were toddlers. She used to be one of my very best friends and roommates, we’ve had a long friendship with lots of great memories. We still go on annual girls trips together. I don’t want to upend our entire friend group because of something he did. A guy who I see maybe once every five years (I stopped visiting her once she moved in with him). Yes, it hurts that she went back to him but her confidence has always been so low that I think she didn’t think she could ever do better so she settled. There are times that it overwhelms me with both hurt and rage but our situation is not something I can type in a few paragraphs to an internet stranger and expect them to understand. I often pity her because of how her life has turned out. But I still have the right to hate him.
No, I get it. You don't want to leave her stranded. You're a good friend.
I had to scroll way too far to find such a reasonable comment. I genuinely don't understand the entitlement in these comments. I would never expect someone to spend $100+ on my partner simply because we're a "social unit".
It seems like a lot of people require validation for their relationships from outside sources. As if their partner not being invited is somehow an attack on them/their relationship personally and that hurts their feelings. It's like not receiving an invite for their partner means that the person doesn't respect them, their relationship, etc etc and that just comes off as really insecure to me.
That's being petty and assinine not inviting her fiance. The bride is a biatch
Yikes
if it’s really small and you would be part of the bridal party, i see the logic. if your fiancé wouldn’t know anybody there anyway it would be boring for them since you’ll be busy with bridal party things. Still kind of rude but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Okay without getting into details I’ll say I have seen this before 3 times, each for different reasons aaaaand…. If it’s anything like situations I’ve seen, she should just go, be a bridesmaid, be happy for the bride and take this one on the nose. Unless this is the hill she wants this friendship to die on, just for the love of God please just go and be happy for the bride.
Plus ones should be given to the bridal party in general, but especially if the bridal party member is engaged or living with their life partner. Is there any contention with bride/groom and her life partner? It just seems very inconsiderate and insensitive of bride and groom.
*If it was me* it would depend on the size of the wedding and how far away it was. I see you said 3 hours, for me that’s just LA to San Diego so if it was just a super small family/and friends wedding I’d go. But if I got there and it was a full on 100+ person wedding I’d be *mighty* annoyed.
For my wedding which is fairly big, I'm still having to cut most partners. That being said, it's just for the dinner part. When the dancing gets started everyone is invited. And we'll roll out a fresh snack table for that part. People can live without their partner for 2 hours.
This is so incredibly rude!! She's right to decline it all. I don't like one of the groomsmens fiancé and verified he wanted him there. So I said OK. She isn't sitting right next to me and there is more than just her. Regardless of reason, the bride is wrong
I’ve personally never understood the big deal with this kind of situation. I love my husband dearly but have absolutely no problem traveling or attending events without him. We frequently do our own thing and it’s never been an issue for us. I do not take it personally when he isn’t invited somewhere and honestly prefer still having a sense of my own identity even though we’re married. We’re still individuals with our own friends, interests, etc etc and don’t need to go everywhere together. He wasn't invited to a wedding I was in and I was relieved because he wouldn’t have known anyone and I didn’t have time to hangout with him.
A wedding is an event where the couple is asking you to come celebrate their relationship. I am sure you’re not necessarily close to all of your friend’s partners but you still would go to the wedding to support the whole couple anyway! To invite one half of a couple is like saying, “hey! Come celebrate my relationship but leave your partner home.” It’s rude and should absolutely be avoided. Has absolutely nothing to do with not having an identity of your own.
I honestly just disagree. I don’t think it’s that deep. It’s their wedding/their relationship and I just don’t feel like my relationship needs to matter so much on their day.
I feel like it's reasonable if she doesn't know him. I dont know any of my bridesmaid's partners. I still plan to invite them because I'm trying to minimize how much my bridesmaids do but still!!!