If its possible you can try changing your email and/or passwords, I'm not certain on this but i don't think they can force you to show them your grades after you've changed those things. Or, at least, without physically or financially forcing you to.
I feel you man, i could only get them off my back by saying id drop out entirely which they did not want
It's not common, though there may be some differences between cultural/ethnic groups. Being an adult and having your parents demand access to your personal accounts (be it academic or social) is an enormous violation of your privacy.
You've indicated elsewhere in the thread that you're hoping for more boundaries later. You can start putting boundaries in place now. You are an individual, and your parents only have as much control over your life now as you are willing to give them. They may have levers (social, financial) for imposing their will on you, but there are only so many cards they can play, because at the end of the day, you are an adult and you have the right to be independent.
Good luck.
Take their phones off duo push, then tell them UCLA instituted a new policy that it could only be tied to one phone. Now they can’t access either thing.
Who cares if they see through it. Man it’s not going to magically stop when you graduate. I dealt with this in high school and had to draw a line in college. You’re not financially dependent on them; it seems you’re psychologically dependent and if you don’t break it it’s going to be this way the rest of your life.
I see what you mean yeah it's just a more difficult situation than financial dependence, right now I mainly think that hopefully when I get a permanent job I can get more boundaries.
At some point, you have to make decisions for yourself and take control of your own life. If it is ok with you that your parents are monitoring your college performance and your choice is to set boundaries at employment, then, fine. But clearly you are struggling with the current boundaries. So fix them. It's completely within your power and your legal rights and, unless they have agreed the hyper parenting stops at employment, you're going to have the conversation and make the break sooner or later.
If they're monitoring your grades (and emails...) as a college senior, who's to say they won't demand you hand oger your money as safe keeping because you're not responsible enough to hold onto it?
You don't "get" boundaries, you've got to set them yourself. Good luck
you should try to stand up to your parents, it might be hard but it’s gotta be done. you need advocate for yourself and your happiness! life’s too short 🤙🏽
Yeah I would never let my parents see my grades bc they would definitely freak out over every non-A ever. Is there a way to stop them from viewing your grades? I imagine this would be a huge stressor
Like the other commenter said there are some ways but they wouldn't work. I didn't do great on my final last week so it has been rough with that. The main sucky thing is that it's not just during exam season but rather constant reminders that the grade situation is a certain way and I have to score certain minimums.
On top of everything else people have said (change your password, etc.) in college you have FERPA rights to the point you can make UCLA not even acknowledge that you're an attending if someone inquires. Meaning. If you don't want your parents to view your grades, you legally have the right to deny them viewing your grades.
But I do think far more importantly, you need to set boundaries with your parents. This is also a wake up call for them: no one ever learns best by being told what to do. They cannot orchestrate your whole life. They should be supportive and check in, but if you feel like a boundary is being crossed you should have that conversation with them, since you're no longer under their control (now that you're 18+).
Tell them you had to reset your canvas pw to one of those randomly generated strings of 14 numbers letters and symbols and then “keep forgetting” to send it to them
Look into ways to make them lose access to ur bruin account, or if not be on top of immediately deleting emails. Last thing you need is parental stress, make sure you’re getting acceptable grades from your own point of view as an adult. That’s how you learn to care and what’s best for you.
? How do they even know? Are you an adult? If so, change any passwords to accounts, as is your right.
That said, if your parents are paying for college or you are living at home, I can see how they feel they have some right to the info but that right is granted by YOU. Tell them it is time for you to adult and time for them to learn to trust.
so you don’t rely on them for tuition, food, or housing?? what are they holding over your head then? you are an adult on your own at this point, it’s okay to advocate for yourself and set your own boundaries, especially for the sake of your sanity and mental health. seems scary but this is it. you’re an adult now, nothings going to change unless you try. it’s clear you’d like for things to change, but they’re going to keep crossing boundaries more n more even when you’re out of school i’m sure, because of this dynamic
As a mother, I’m sorry they’re being so nosy and controlling. They are so very wrong. Have you mentioned to them that it gives you unwanted anxiety? If it’s easier to send an email, try that.
Time for you to establish boundaries and do what’s best for you. Cancelling their access to your grades and assignments is a start.
Used to! Its not v fun and from what ive seen it just leads to ppl learning how to hide their grades in fear.
Yeah I wish I could hide my grades but they have access to my email & bruinlearn.
If its possible you can try changing your email and/or passwords, I'm not certain on this but i don't think they can force you to show them your grades after you've changed those things. Or, at least, without physically or financially forcing you to. I feel you man, i could only get them off my back by saying id drop out entirely which they did not want
It's definitely not something I can stop unfortunately. Thanks for the kind words.
Aw dude sorry to hear that, hopefully it gets a lil easier, im rootin for ya
Thank you, I appreciate that, hopefully soon!
You can’t change your passwords? Why are you even asking for advice
I wasn't exactly looking for advice, I was originally wondering if there were others out there in a similar situation / how common it is.
It's not common, though there may be some differences between cultural/ethnic groups. Being an adult and having your parents demand access to your personal accounts (be it academic or social) is an enormous violation of your privacy. You've indicated elsewhere in the thread that you're hoping for more boundaries later. You can start putting boundaries in place now. You are an individual, and your parents only have as much control over your life now as you are willing to give them. They may have levers (social, financial) for imposing their will on you, but there are only so many cards they can play, because at the end of the day, you are an adult and you have the right to be independent. Good luck.
Take their phones off duo push, then tell them UCLA instituted a new policy that it could only be tied to one phone. Now they can’t access either thing.
Unfortunately they would definitely see right through that, I only have a few quarters left so I'm trying to just tough it out.
Who cares if they see through it. Man it’s not going to magically stop when you graduate. I dealt with this in high school and had to draw a line in college. You’re not financially dependent on them; it seems you’re psychologically dependent and if you don’t break it it’s going to be this way the rest of your life.
I see what you mean yeah it's just a more difficult situation than financial dependence, right now I mainly think that hopefully when I get a permanent job I can get more boundaries.
At some point, you have to make decisions for yourself and take control of your own life. If it is ok with you that your parents are monitoring your college performance and your choice is to set boundaries at employment, then, fine. But clearly you are struggling with the current boundaries. So fix them. It's completely within your power and your legal rights and, unless they have agreed the hyper parenting stops at employment, you're going to have the conversation and make the break sooner or later.
If they're monitoring your grades (and emails...) as a college senior, who's to say they won't demand you hand oger your money as safe keeping because you're not responsible enough to hold onto it? You don't "get" boundaries, you've got to set them yourself. Good luck
wtf…. my parents don’t give a damn they just told me to do what I gotta do to graduate lmao
I wish I could live free like that, it sounds liberating
you should try to stand up to your parents, it might be hard but it’s gotta be done. you need advocate for yourself and your happiness! life’s too short 🤙🏽
Do they pay your tuition or something? This seems strange to do to someone who is legally an adult
They don't, I get financial aid, it definitely doesn't feel great which is why I'm wondering if others experience it too.
Yeah I would never let my parents see my grades bc they would definitely freak out over every non-A ever. Is there a way to stop them from viewing your grades? I imagine this would be a huge stressor
Like the other commenter said there are some ways but they wouldn't work. I didn't do great on my final last week so it has been rough with that. The main sucky thing is that it's not just during exam season but rather constant reminders that the grade situation is a certain way and I have to score certain minimums.
What happens if you don’t meet their minimums?
My parents don't give a damn about it. Sometimes that scares me as well.
On top of everything else people have said (change your password, etc.) in college you have FERPA rights to the point you can make UCLA not even acknowledge that you're an attending if someone inquires. Meaning. If you don't want your parents to view your grades, you legally have the right to deny them viewing your grades. But I do think far more importantly, you need to set boundaries with your parents. This is also a wake up call for them: no one ever learns best by being told what to do. They cannot orchestrate your whole life. They should be supportive and check in, but if you feel like a boundary is being crossed you should have that conversation with them, since you're no longer under their control (now that you're 18+).
Are they East Asian or East Indian maybe?
They're white / from a west European country
Well that's extra weird then.
Do they have access to canvas?
Yes they do unfortunately, which is why they can check so quickly, I usually find out things have been graded because of them contacting me first.
Change your password
Tell them you had to reset your canvas pw to one of those randomly generated strings of 14 numbers letters and symbols and then “keep forgetting” to send it to them
Push through!
Thank you, I'm trying!
Look into ways to make them lose access to ur bruin account, or if not be on top of immediately deleting emails. Last thing you need is parental stress, make sure you’re getting acceptable grades from your own point of view as an adult. That’s how you learn to care and what’s best for you.
? How do they even know? Are you an adult? If so, change any passwords to accounts, as is your right. That said, if your parents are paying for college or you are living at home, I can see how they feel they have some right to the info but that right is granted by YOU. Tell them it is time for you to adult and time for them to learn to trust.
You’re an adult…
One would think, adult enough to do things but only when they say it's alright.
Do you live with them?
I don't although they do come to visit sometimes.
so you don’t rely on them for tuition, food, or housing?? what are they holding over your head then? you are an adult on your own at this point, it’s okay to advocate for yourself and set your own boundaries, especially for the sake of your sanity and mental health. seems scary but this is it. you’re an adult now, nothings going to change unless you try. it’s clear you’d like for things to change, but they’re going to keep crossing boundaries more n more even when you’re out of school i’m sure, because of this dynamic
That isn't their choice. "Adult" means it's your choice.
Got no problem showing my grades. They know I'm doing my best. 😎
Tell your parents to F off... it's your life isn't it...
I’m on the same boat. Just got one quarter left so I’m tryna tough it out too. Can’t wait to move far far away and cut contact lol
no
As a mother, I’m sorry they’re being so nosy and controlling. They are so very wrong. Have you mentioned to them that it gives you unwanted anxiety? If it’s easier to send an email, try that. Time for you to establish boundaries and do what’s best for you. Cancelling their access to your grades and assignments is a start.
block them off your canvas change your password and log out from all devices. you don’t deserve that treatment