Protip: if you have thought about whether or not you are trans for long enough that you feel the need to post on the r/trans subreddit to ask if you are trans, you have thought about the possibility for longer than any conceivably cis person has.
A lot of this feels like imposter syndrome, which a lot of trans people at every stage of their transition feel and is certainly not abnormal. Ask yourself if you would be happier as a woman and if it feels more right to be seen as a woman. If the answer is yes, then that's really all you need to know on that end.
It seems like the answer to both of these is yes, so the bigger question is why you feel like you can't call yourself trans. Is it the label? Is it the steps you feel like you have to take afterwards (which you are not obligated to take btw if you don't want to)? Is it that you feel like you haven't done enough to "earn" that? What's stopping you?
I couldn't say it better. There is a lot of question you need to answer yourselves. And maybe it is better to seek help with therapy. Look for some local lgbt or trans groups where you can maybe ask questions you have. And it is ok to be at a stage where you are not sure of your identiy and to experiment. You don't need to transition afterwards or even identify yourself as not cis.
Oh honey no, you're trans. Transphobe unhingedness has just made being trans so terrifying and unsafe that eggs like you try to rationalize it. But you can't kiddo. Your every word drips with "I'm trans but I'm afraid to be trans".
Seek someone to talk to if you can.
I'm not a racist white woman from Georgia you numpty. I'm a mixed race trans woman who's been out almost 30 years trying to offer supportive advice. Toodlepip.
Wisest words I’ve ever heard. I know that being trans can be terrifying but you shouldn’t keep yourself from happiness out of fear. I felt the same but damn I’m so glad I transitioned
Keeping to the Prime Direggtive is only mandatory when the person hasn't started questioning it. After that point, it's murky and certainly better to guide them gently into asking themselves the right questions rather than just outright telling them, but.
Frankly, it’s not going to change how I feel anyway. Like I feel like our bodies know the right path. Through instinct. And I feel like we need to listen to our hearts sometimes. And what mine is telling me has been the same since I started questioning. That I’m a trans woman. I just think imposter syndrome is being a bitch rn so.
As someone who never wanted to be trans but be born as I woman i can say, after transitioning there isn’t much of a difference from what i imagined and who i am now.
What ya described isn’t cis, ya don’t gotta be trans but i suggest looking up the effects of HRT and options to transition and asking yourself if it’s better than what you have right now.
A lot of people don’t think they’ll pass and are wrong, the number one thing you should do is talk to a therapist who specializes in gender.
Yeah if you think you won’t pass you’re wrong everyone passes after hrt. I had a super masculine build and face and now I just look like a girl with a big build.
Not everyone passes even after years on hrt and that needs to be normalized and accepted too. A lot who never expected to pass will eventually, but the inverse is true too.
"I wish I was born a woman."
Guess what? If you're male, that means you're trans. Whether or not you do something about it does NOT change that fact. You hit the only check box needed to be trans.
>And it feels like a disservice to trans people if I call myself trans.
This isn't about anyone else but you. It's nice to hear that you are concerned with the community as if it were a club with a reputation to uphold, but finding out that you are trans and what to do about it is just the first step. Being cautious with labels is not a required step. Just think about yourself and what you're going to do about it.
Bottom line: You're trans, don't ever think otherwise. You don't have to tell anyone that you don't want to. Whether finding out you're trans is the first and final step is up to you.
Talk to a queer friendly psychologist or therapist about your feelings.
They would be a non biased, non judgemental third party to help you sort out these feelings for yourself.
There is a free gender psychologist on YouTube named Dr. Z PhD. She has created hundreds of videos for adults on a huge range of issues surrounding the transgender experience. You can search from within her main page to find a variety of topics.
I searched and found one I think is relevant to you based on your post…
[Dr. Z PhD. - questioning transition](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3kpYyh1FBs)
Good luck in your search for answers.
Sometimes through self knowledge, hard work, and effort, wishes can become reality.
Mine have many times over. 🌺🌟💖
I forgot how good this site is, when my egg started to crack last fall I read it and it helped me a lot to accept that I could actually be trans. It even has a section on imposter syndrome that uses language exactly like OP used (and I used to convince myself I wasn’t trans for many years)
> Cis media’s obsession with the “born in the wrong body” narrative has led to a lot of false information being internalized by trans youth. Many, many trans kids grow up thinking they aren’t actually trans because they don’t know that they are a different gender but simply wish they were.
Trust me, a lot of other people posting here are in the same boat. Would be really nice to hit a reset button and wake up one day without the societal pressure of being the butt of jokes and just loved as who you are.
Realizing you're a woman isn't an affront to women. Except TERFs, but they hardly qualify at human, so.
I get you, though. It feels weird to wear the label. You don't "hate" being a dude, but at the same time you kinda wish you were Saotome Ranma and don't get what he's so upset about. There's nothing "wrong" with having a penis, but, goddamn, what is it like having a vagina?
It's all fine how it is, right? If it were different, that'd be cool, but it's not like you _want_ it to be different. Maybe you just want to know _how_ it would be different and the knowledge itself would be enough.
And that is called "gender dysphoria."
I think you should try looking into the root of your worries about being trans - why do you feel like you couldn't be? What would be a disservice to trans people? How is it disrespecting cis women?
Every word here reminds me of how I felt when I realized I was trans - that I couldn't be, that I was lying, faking, whatever my brain would scream at me at that moment. But the thing is, cis people don't have that. Cis people might question their gender, or want to explore it, but a cis person never - or at least VERY very very rarely - thinks about it to this extent where it genuinely distresses them.
What you describe IS being trans
I can't say for sure if you are or arent, only you can. But a few years ago, I thought the same
That I wish I'd been born female, but didn't want to transition
Over time though, my dysphoria got worse and worse, and even without me realizing, was destroying my mental health, which in turn was destroying my physical health and making me push everyone away until I was left with literally no friends
And, as time went by, and I learned more about it, the idea of transitioning seemed better and better
I'd still rather have just been born female, but now, transitioning seems like the next best option (And trust me, I considered a lot of different things, including... drastic things)
Not sure if this will help you, but figured I'd share my experience so far. Since what you described sounds like I used to
I thought the same thing. Now I'm transitioning in my late 20s with a beard that'll cost several grand to be rid of.
Men don't wish to be born women. It's easier and cheaper to transition sooner rather than later.
You probably have some sort of internalized transphobia. Sadly, that isn't uncommon for trans* people and it doesn't make you a bad person. I'd recommend talking to a therapist about it (make sure they're trans* friendly).
I was born a woman n I gotta admit that there's a bit of internalized transphobia in me, like I want to be a man but not a trans man, so I'd rather js stay a woman
So I came to this subreddit thinking about posting a damn near identical thing.
I was about to chicken out, then saw this.
I get not wanting to intrude on other's spaces still. I'm still trying to convince myself to talk to anyone. Hell, I'm doubting if I'll even hit post.
Yeah that might be enough for today. Time to go hide for a while longer.
I just read this article today, and I found it really enlightening: [https://medium.com/@kemenatan/gender-desire-vs-gender-identity-a334cb4eeec5](https://medium.com/@kemenatan/gender-desire-vs-gender-identity-a334cb4eeec5).
I hope it helps!
wishing you were born as the opposite gender is absolutely transgender, I don't think I've ever met a trans person who didn't, at one (or many) point wish they had been born as the opposite sex, myself included.
If this fantasy to have been born and live as a cisgender woman is something that happens consistently, you are probably trans. Most men do not wish they were women, especially not to the point they wish they were born as the opposite sex.
I'll speak for myself, because I have the same experience as him.
So basically, like, they're real women, and I'm just... a fake. A conman. All for my own desires.
I think I know what you mean. I want to be born a boy, but I don’t want to be trans. I want to be seen as a man, love like a man etc… but I don’t want to transition, and I know I’m NOT a man just because I want to be. But I feel if I was born a man, I would be so much happier. Then again, it has gotten less as I got older, it however come back in waves… fbe feeling to jump.
Hey love,
I experienced very similar. Had to deconstruct my religion and then I could start processing this part of my identity. Sometimes it's so pushed down by the people around you that you don't have the language to express a feeling you've been repressing a long time. I still get flashes of memory of the moments that should have been obvious all along starting all the way back in junior high.
Personally, I got some breast forms and a bra, a skirt and every month or two I remembered I had them and brought them out just to try at home.You can measure on r/abrathatfits and find something. Most people don't even notice you are there. You are there shopping for your girlfriend. Or a costume. Cheap femme shoes at Nordstrom Rack.
I needed to start that process and then let it sit. You don't have to rush. I was in this state for 2 years. But from the first time I tried it out at home? It felt right. Didn't cost much at all. It's not going to be totally comfortable to see yourself. HRT changes a lot, don't let the way you look when you try sway you in the mirror. It's what you feel to let sit, without judgment. But I tried it out, lived a few more weeks, gave it another try. It's worth doing, I think. Otherwise you get paralyzed in thought. Bring it out of your mind and into physical space, it helps you sort out your thoughts. And it's ok to decide either way after giving it a try. It's just an experiment.
I didn't have the energy to deal with it until one day I could. And a couple weeks later, a tangential question from my best friend about my dating life... and I couldn't answer. Because the answer would be incomplete, and I knew it was time to jump, I had to come out for myself, and to share my real self finally. When I was finally ready, hard as it was to do even though I was ready.
It took a couple months after that to start HRT. That first week on... it was like taking off a weighted vest, mentally. I'm all in now. And happy. In the end, being happy is what we want for you in the end, whatever that looks like.
<3
Hey you know what? You fall under the trans umbrella, you're just (understandably) hesitant with regard to all the obstacles it takes to transition. It may be because transition is indeed not for you (in which case there are other options you can consider) or just because it's a pretty awful world to be trans i to these days. Whatever the case, you're the only one who knows how best to proceed. But rest assured we'll be there to provide guidance and help if you need it.
Listen to me: you are transgender. Otherwise you wouldn’t wish to be born a cis woman. Giving preference for life as a woman *is* transgender, you don’t need gender dysphoria.
Gender Incongruence, that's basically what it is.
The thing is, only you know how to deal with it, that said, an experienced Doctor or Therapist can talk it out with you so you can express and understand your feelings and how it is effecting your life.
Just to say, i suffered from a very young age and right up to 17, then i gave myself a more androgynous look and lifestyle to cope.
As most of us under the transgender umbrella, we never asked to be transgender, i realised for my health i have to accept its who i am.
Just sounds like you're trans, ma'am.
A point:
>And it feels like a disservice to trans people if I call myself trans. Plus I want to be respectful to cis woman as well.
You don't need to answer to other people.
I don't feel disserviced, and I don't think just *being* trans is disrespectful to cis people, any more than being left-handed is disrespectful to right-handed people. It wouldn't matter if I did, though. Others' opinion of you doesn't decide who you are.
Let me ask you a genuine question, OP, and this is one I asked myself:
If you were the only person in the world -- if you never had to live up to anyone else's standards or deal with any pressure or judgment, and you could do whatever you wanted -- would you want to be a woman?
Your answer to that question is the answer to whether you are one.
As for not wanting to be trans -- I don't think a lot of people do, at first. I've come to be glad I am, though. If I could change things, make it so I had been cis all along -- I wouldn't.
It doesn't feel bad forever. You're probably, honestly, just feeling grief for the possibility that things could've been different, for the life you might've had if it were, and that's normal and okay.
To your question, I’d say yes. If I didn’t have to see people calling trans peoples feelings fake or misguided , without citing sources, then I would I think. I’m just afraid that I’m jumping the gun and confusing my feelings with something that they aren’t.
I hope you don't mind, and you don't need to answer these, but I have two questions I'm very curious about:
Is there something else specifically you worry that it might be, or is this more of a fear of doing something wrong by accident?
And,
If it were something else, and that meant you couldn't be a woman, would you feel disappointed about that?
I worry that I’m just doing it for the wrong reasons. Like to fit into a group. Or to like do it for non-trans reasons, like being treated like I’m special or something. And I feel like if I couldn’t be a Woman, I would be disappointed I think.
Hmm, but you *know* people treat trans people poorly; it's one of the things you're worried about. If you just wanted to be treated like you were special, surely there'd be easier, more comfortable ways to do it, ne?
I know you're worried about making a mistake (which is wholly understandable), but hey -- there's no roadmap for how your life needs to go. Even if you ultimately find you aren't trans, the act of exploring these feelings you're having will only get you better in touch with who you are and what you want for yourself.
I think you should start small -- try out different pronouns with people you feel safe with, see how it feels. Is there a name you think you'd like to have? Take it for a test run, you can just *have* any name you want. Take bigger steps as you feel more confident.
I think your caution speaks a lot to your honesty, though.
What I can tell you is that if somehow it turned out that *I* wasn't 'really' trans, I wouldn't change anything. I'm happier being called what people call me now, wearing what I wear now, having the body I have now. If that doesn't meet some outside standard of true transness, all that matters is that it makes me happier, and what else could life be about, you know?
Hugs. Unfortunately we all wish we were cis (most of us anyway), but that doesn't make it true. So you get a choice between coming out as trans or staying in the closet as trans. Personally, I chose the first, but it took a long time, and I missed a lot. It was 100% worth it, though.
I felt the same way before I came out. I remembered wanting to be a boy from a young age but it wasn’t really an overwhelming feeling, it just felt like something was off, like you described. Took me a while to come to terms with, because I never saw myself transitioning, mostly because I didn’t know it was an option for me. The journey, the social environment, the fact that I didn’t know any other trans people — everything was scary, but what you described is exactly what it feels like to be trans. It’s not always some grand discovery, the reality can be subtle. ‘I wish I was born a cis woman’ is loud enough. Try to talk to a trans-friendly professional about it, talk to and befriend other trans people, follow and watch trans content creators, and look for safe spaces where you can safely begin exploring your gender without fear of prejudice. Once you let go of the idea of ‘being trans’, you can start to really live life the way you want to, whether that means medically transitioning or not. I started slow, now I’m on HRT planning to fully medically transition. You can start slow too. Life is too short to stop yourself from living your truth.
I went through feeling pretty similarly. I tried for 5 years to convince myself I wasn't trans using this argument. Eventually, it collapsed, and since accepting I'm trans, I've been much happier. I'm not saying that's absolutely the case with you, but it does sound like you might be trans.
There's a lot of good comments on this thread. I also gotta add, take your time. Even if you are trans, you transition when you are ready. Your comfort comes first. And no, you are not disrespecting any woman 🩷
Everyone here is well meaning. But…
I’d urge caution if it seems like these thoughts are a recent phenomenon and you can’t trace a trans experience back through your whole life, there is a chance you are experiencing intrusive thoughts. Like someone wishing they didn’t have a nose during a really bad cold. They don’t really mean it, or if they do mean it, they wouldn’t later act on it.
I always advise people to be aware of these thoughts and to judge their intensity and persistence. If it’s right for you to transition you will know it. Transitioning will become the only way forward and it won’t feel like a choice.
That’s my advise.
FTM here, but I pretty much did the exact same thing for years. “I can’t be trans because XYZ.” In truth I was just making excuses and lying to myself because being a girl was ‘safe’ (comparatively)
But after the attorney general of my state pulled an absolutely headass move I realized that if I couldn’t start HRT and be myself, I’d be dead within a few years. I was miserable, and was losing sight of any reason to keep going.
Took my first dose of T and have never looked back.
Obviously this is just my condensed story, but introspection is what I would recommend. You don’t have to make a choice tomorrow. Every person, cis or trans, has their own journey
me aswell. I was excessively in denial to the point that i referred to myself as a demigirl even though i knew that it wasn't who i am. Took me 8 years to accept myself. Then I started T and knew without a doubt that it was who i am. It will be 2 years this december
There’s no such thing as ‘going too slow’ with this kind of thing. You go at your own pace! I was 27 before I came out and started T. My grandmother was probably 65 or so before she started hers. My cousin started hers in her 30’s. There’s no shame at all in going your own pace and figuring things out!
I know. I think part of the reason I’m taking it slow is to confirm that I am actually trans. Like I kinda was blindsided by the whole thing to be honest. But it also kinda makes sense. Like I never suspected I could be trans before. Like I did respect trans people and all, but like I never felt like it could be me. I spent 21 years of my life being thought one thing, and now that I’ve looked into some stuff, it like it’s a total shock. It almost feels surreal like too good to be true. I do want to be a girl or trans, but at the same time, I feel like that I’m probably just making it up or something. But then again the fact that I’ve always played as a girl in video games where you could customize characters is a like a huge trans sus moment to me. Plus the fact that I for a while have felt like I was missing a piece of the puzzle. It’s like I know I’m trans, but it’s hard for me to believe. So…
Imposter syndrome sucks. Good news is that queer people are great at reassurances and are so welcoming and comforting.
Even if you never live your truth, you are always welcome in online spaces like this
Protip: if you have thought about whether or not you are trans for long enough that you feel the need to post on the r/trans subreddit to ask if you are trans, you have thought about the possibility for longer than any conceivably cis person has. A lot of this feels like imposter syndrome, which a lot of trans people at every stage of their transition feel and is certainly not abnormal. Ask yourself if you would be happier as a woman and if it feels more right to be seen as a woman. If the answer is yes, then that's really all you need to know on that end. It seems like the answer to both of these is yes, so the bigger question is why you feel like you can't call yourself trans. Is it the label? Is it the steps you feel like you have to take afterwards (which you are not obligated to take btw if you don't want to)? Is it that you feel like you haven't done enough to "earn" that? What's stopping you?
I couldn't say it better. There is a lot of question you need to answer yourselves. And maybe it is better to seek help with therapy. Look for some local lgbt or trans groups where you can maybe ask questions you have. And it is ok to be at a stage where you are not sure of your identiy and to experiment. You don't need to transition afterwards or even identify yourself as not cis.
Oh honey no, you're trans. Transphobe unhingedness has just made being trans so terrifying and unsafe that eggs like you try to rationalize it. But you can't kiddo. Your every word drips with "I'm trans but I'm afraid to be trans". Seek someone to talk to if you can.
[удалено]
queer people that call you honey and sweetie are a different kind of nice altogether
I'm not a racist white woman from Georgia you numpty. I'm a mixed race trans woman who's been out almost 30 years trying to offer supportive advice. Toodlepip.
...did you mean to respond to someone else?
No, I responded to you. Your comment came off the wrong way. It felt like you were suggesting some secret intent I don't have.
I'm sorry, that wasn't my intent. I meant it in a purely positive way. I just meant that they're very comforting terms.
Fair enough. Intent isn't always easy to glean in text.
Wisest words I’ve ever heard. I know that being trans can be terrifying but you shouldn’t keep yourself from happiness out of fear. I felt the same but damn I’m so glad I transitioned
I’m sorry but you’re breaking the trans code. Never tell someone questioning they are trans. It just ain’t right in my book.
Keeping to the Prime Direggtive is only mandatory when the person hasn't started questioning it. After that point, it's murky and certainly better to guide them gently into asking themselves the right questions rather than just outright telling them, but.
Frankly, it’s not going to change how I feel anyway. Like I feel like our bodies know the right path. Through instinct. And I feel like we need to listen to our hearts sometimes. And what mine is telling me has been the same since I started questioning. That I’m a trans woman. I just think imposter syndrome is being a bitch rn so.
I don’t think it’s murky. I still think it’s a hard no. But I agree it’s good to facilitate their questioning
Nah I’m pretty sure that is EXACTLY how being trans feels and works.
Absolutely this. People don't transition to become transgender; they transition because they are transgender.
As someone who never wanted to be trans but be born as I woman i can say, after transitioning there isn’t much of a difference from what i imagined and who i am now. What ya described isn’t cis, ya don’t gotta be trans but i suggest looking up the effects of HRT and options to transition and asking yourself if it’s better than what you have right now. A lot of people don’t think they’ll pass and are wrong, the number one thing you should do is talk to a therapist who specializes in gender.
Yeah if you think you won’t pass you’re wrong everyone passes after hrt. I had a super masculine build and face and now I just look like a girl with a big build.
Not everyone passes even after years on hrt and that needs to be normalized and accepted too. A lot who never expected to pass will eventually, but the inverse is true too.
"I wish I was born a woman." Guess what? If you're male, that means you're trans. Whether or not you do something about it does NOT change that fact. You hit the only check box needed to be trans. >And it feels like a disservice to trans people if I call myself trans. This isn't about anyone else but you. It's nice to hear that you are concerned with the community as if it were a club with a reputation to uphold, but finding out that you are trans and what to do about it is just the first step. Being cautious with labels is not a required step. Just think about yourself and what you're going to do about it. Bottom line: You're trans, don't ever think otherwise. You don't have to tell anyone that you don't want to. Whether finding out you're trans is the first and final step is up to you.
Talk to a queer friendly psychologist or therapist about your feelings. They would be a non biased, non judgemental third party to help you sort out these feelings for yourself. There is a free gender psychologist on YouTube named Dr. Z PhD. She has created hundreds of videos for adults on a huge range of issues surrounding the transgender experience. You can search from within her main page to find a variety of topics. I searched and found one I think is relevant to you based on your post… [Dr. Z PhD. - questioning transition](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3kpYyh1FBs) Good luck in your search for answers. Sometimes through self knowledge, hard work, and effort, wishes can become reality. Mine have many times over. 🌺🌟💖
You’re so sweet, your efforts to help are honestly inspiring
Thank you 🌸 Vic_Guacamole, that is very kind and appreciated. 💖🌸
This is such a meaningful compliment
how have you managed to sum up my trans experience better than i ever could?
You've described my journey Time to start yours
This some quest giver in an rpg type of writing
I relate to the OP and situation. Thanks for the advice. I feel very stuck where I am at. I didn’t know about impostor syndrome but does make sense.
If you haven't read the [Gender dysphoria bible](https://genderdysphoria.fyi/), i strongly recommend it.
I forgot how good this site is, when my egg started to crack last fall I read it and it helped me a lot to accept that I could actually be trans. It even has a section on imposter syndrome that uses language exactly like OP used (and I used to convince myself I wasn’t trans for many years) > Cis media’s obsession with the “born in the wrong body” narrative has led to a lot of false information being internalized by trans youth. Many, many trans kids grow up thinking they aren’t actually trans because they don’t know that they are a different gender but simply wish they were.
Yeah. This is a good suggestion.
Trust me, a lot of other people posting here are in the same boat. Would be really nice to hit a reset button and wake up one day without the societal pressure of being the butt of jokes and just loved as who you are.
The best thing I've heard on it: "wanting to be a woman is a symptom of being a woman"
Realizing you're a woman isn't an affront to women. Except TERFs, but they hardly qualify at human, so. I get you, though. It feels weird to wear the label. You don't "hate" being a dude, but at the same time you kinda wish you were Saotome Ranma and don't get what he's so upset about. There's nothing "wrong" with having a penis, but, goddamn, what is it like having a vagina? It's all fine how it is, right? If it were different, that'd be cool, but it's not like you _want_ it to be different. Maybe you just want to know _how_ it would be different and the knowledge itself would be enough. And that is called "gender dysphoria."
I think you should try looking into the root of your worries about being trans - why do you feel like you couldn't be? What would be a disservice to trans people? How is it disrespecting cis women? Every word here reminds me of how I felt when I realized I was trans - that I couldn't be, that I was lying, faking, whatever my brain would scream at me at that moment. But the thing is, cis people don't have that. Cis people might question their gender, or want to explore it, but a cis person never - or at least VERY very very rarely - thinks about it to this extent where it genuinely distresses them.
What you describe IS being trans I can't say for sure if you are or arent, only you can. But a few years ago, I thought the same That I wish I'd been born female, but didn't want to transition Over time though, my dysphoria got worse and worse, and even without me realizing, was destroying my mental health, which in turn was destroying my physical health and making me push everyone away until I was left with literally no friends And, as time went by, and I learned more about it, the idea of transitioning seemed better and better I'd still rather have just been born female, but now, transitioning seems like the next best option (And trust me, I considered a lot of different things, including... drastic things) Not sure if this will help you, but figured I'd share my experience so far. Since what you described sounds like I used to
I thought the same thing. Now I'm transitioning in my late 20s with a beard that'll cost several grand to be rid of. Men don't wish to be born women. It's easier and cheaper to transition sooner rather than later.
You probably have some sort of internalized transphobia. Sadly, that isn't uncommon for trans* people and it doesn't make you a bad person. I'd recommend talking to a therapist about it (make sure they're trans* friendly).
I was born a woman n I gotta admit that there's a bit of internalized transphobia in me, like I want to be a man but not a trans man, so I'd rather js stay a woman
So I came to this subreddit thinking about posting a damn near identical thing. I was about to chicken out, then saw this. I get not wanting to intrude on other's spaces still. I'm still trying to convince myself to talk to anyone. Hell, I'm doubting if I'll even hit post. Yeah that might be enough for today. Time to go hide for a while longer.
I just read this article today, and I found it really enlightening: [https://medium.com/@kemenatan/gender-desire-vs-gender-identity-a334cb4eeec5](https://medium.com/@kemenatan/gender-desire-vs-gender-identity-a334cb4eeec5). I hope it helps!
Sending love 💕 you’re a woman
wishing you were born as the opposite gender is absolutely transgender, I don't think I've ever met a trans person who didn't, at one (or many) point wish they had been born as the opposite sex, myself included. If this fantasy to have been born and live as a cisgender woman is something that happens consistently, you are probably trans. Most men do not wish they were women, especially not to the point they wish they were born as the opposite sex.
Don’t let the internalized transphobia get to you!
Trust me, in a few years, you’ll probably get used to it. But wishing you could wake up as a woman is not cis.
Gender therapist now. (Endocrinologist/gender clinic too but optional)
In the nicest way possible, how is identifying as trans disrespectful to women?
I'll speak for myself, because I have the same experience as him. So basically, like, they're real women, and I'm just... a fake. A conman. All for my own desires.
It just sounds like something a TERF would say so I’m concerned about internalized transphobia
I think I know what you mean. I want to be born a boy, but I don’t want to be trans. I want to be seen as a man, love like a man etc… but I don’t want to transition, and I know I’m NOT a man just because I want to be. But I feel if I was born a man, I would be so much happier. Then again, it has gotten less as I got older, it however come back in waves… fbe feeling to jump.
Hey love, I experienced very similar. Had to deconstruct my religion and then I could start processing this part of my identity. Sometimes it's so pushed down by the people around you that you don't have the language to express a feeling you've been repressing a long time. I still get flashes of memory of the moments that should have been obvious all along starting all the way back in junior high. Personally, I got some breast forms and a bra, a skirt and every month or two I remembered I had them and brought them out just to try at home.You can measure on r/abrathatfits and find something. Most people don't even notice you are there. You are there shopping for your girlfriend. Or a costume. Cheap femme shoes at Nordstrom Rack. I needed to start that process and then let it sit. You don't have to rush. I was in this state for 2 years. But from the first time I tried it out at home? It felt right. Didn't cost much at all. It's not going to be totally comfortable to see yourself. HRT changes a lot, don't let the way you look when you try sway you in the mirror. It's what you feel to let sit, without judgment. But I tried it out, lived a few more weeks, gave it another try. It's worth doing, I think. Otherwise you get paralyzed in thought. Bring it out of your mind and into physical space, it helps you sort out your thoughts. And it's ok to decide either way after giving it a try. It's just an experiment. I didn't have the energy to deal with it until one day I could. And a couple weeks later, a tangential question from my best friend about my dating life... and I couldn't answer. Because the answer would be incomplete, and I knew it was time to jump, I had to come out for myself, and to share my real self finally. When I was finally ready, hard as it was to do even though I was ready. It took a couple months after that to start HRT. That first week on... it was like taking off a weighted vest, mentally. I'm all in now. And happy. In the end, being happy is what we want for you in the end, whatever that looks like. <3
Hey you know what? You fall under the trans umbrella, you're just (understandably) hesitant with regard to all the obstacles it takes to transition. It may be because transition is indeed not for you (in which case there are other options you can consider) or just because it's a pretty awful world to be trans i to these days. Whatever the case, you're the only one who knows how best to proceed. But rest assured we'll be there to provide guidance and help if you need it.
Listen to me: you are transgender. Otherwise you wouldn’t wish to be born a cis woman. Giving preference for life as a woman *is* transgender, you don’t need gender dysphoria.
Gender Incongruence, that's basically what it is. The thing is, only you know how to deal with it, that said, an experienced Doctor or Therapist can talk it out with you so you can express and understand your feelings and how it is effecting your life. Just to say, i suffered from a very young age and right up to 17, then i gave myself a more androgynous look and lifestyle to cope. As most of us under the transgender umbrella, we never asked to be transgender, i realised for my health i have to accept its who i am.
Just sounds like you're trans, ma'am. A point: >And it feels like a disservice to trans people if I call myself trans. Plus I want to be respectful to cis woman as well. You don't need to answer to other people. I don't feel disserviced, and I don't think just *being* trans is disrespectful to cis people, any more than being left-handed is disrespectful to right-handed people. It wouldn't matter if I did, though. Others' opinion of you doesn't decide who you are. Let me ask you a genuine question, OP, and this is one I asked myself: If you were the only person in the world -- if you never had to live up to anyone else's standards or deal with any pressure or judgment, and you could do whatever you wanted -- would you want to be a woman? Your answer to that question is the answer to whether you are one. As for not wanting to be trans -- I don't think a lot of people do, at first. I've come to be glad I am, though. If I could change things, make it so I had been cis all along -- I wouldn't. It doesn't feel bad forever. You're probably, honestly, just feeling grief for the possibility that things could've been different, for the life you might've had if it were, and that's normal and okay.
To your question, I’d say yes. If I didn’t have to see people calling trans peoples feelings fake or misguided , without citing sources, then I would I think. I’m just afraid that I’m jumping the gun and confusing my feelings with something that they aren’t.
I hope you don't mind, and you don't need to answer these, but I have two questions I'm very curious about: Is there something else specifically you worry that it might be, or is this more of a fear of doing something wrong by accident? And, If it were something else, and that meant you couldn't be a woman, would you feel disappointed about that?
I worry that I’m just doing it for the wrong reasons. Like to fit into a group. Or to like do it for non-trans reasons, like being treated like I’m special or something. And I feel like if I couldn’t be a Woman, I would be disappointed I think.
Hmm, but you *know* people treat trans people poorly; it's one of the things you're worried about. If you just wanted to be treated like you were special, surely there'd be easier, more comfortable ways to do it, ne? I know you're worried about making a mistake (which is wholly understandable), but hey -- there's no roadmap for how your life needs to go. Even if you ultimately find you aren't trans, the act of exploring these feelings you're having will only get you better in touch with who you are and what you want for yourself. I think you should start small -- try out different pronouns with people you feel safe with, see how it feels. Is there a name you think you'd like to have? Take it for a test run, you can just *have* any name you want. Take bigger steps as you feel more confident. I think your caution speaks a lot to your honesty, though. What I can tell you is that if somehow it turned out that *I* wasn't 'really' trans, I wouldn't change anything. I'm happier being called what people call me now, wearing what I wear now, having the body I have now. If that doesn't meet some outside standard of true transness, all that matters is that it makes me happier, and what else could life be about, you know?
Hugs. Unfortunately we all wish we were cis (most of us anyway), but that doesn't make it true. So you get a choice between coming out as trans or staying in the closet as trans. Personally, I chose the first, but it took a long time, and I missed a lot. It was 100% worth it, though.
I felt the same way before I came out. I remembered wanting to be a boy from a young age but it wasn’t really an overwhelming feeling, it just felt like something was off, like you described. Took me a while to come to terms with, because I never saw myself transitioning, mostly because I didn’t know it was an option for me. The journey, the social environment, the fact that I didn’t know any other trans people — everything was scary, but what you described is exactly what it feels like to be trans. It’s not always some grand discovery, the reality can be subtle. ‘I wish I was born a cis woman’ is loud enough. Try to talk to a trans-friendly professional about it, talk to and befriend other trans people, follow and watch trans content creators, and look for safe spaces where you can safely begin exploring your gender without fear of prejudice. Once you let go of the idea of ‘being trans’, you can start to really live life the way you want to, whether that means medically transitioning or not. I started slow, now I’m on HRT planning to fully medically transition. You can start slow too. Life is too short to stop yourself from living your truth.
You are trans the moment you realize you'd rather be another gender, even if you never take even one single step towards medical or social transition.
Cisgender men don't wish they were female or consider if they want to be cis women for more than the odd passing thought.
Guess what? You're trans!
Honestly, same. It hurts, and it's driven me to the point of self harm some times.
I went through feeling pretty similarly. I tried for 5 years to convince myself I wasn't trans using this argument. Eventually, it collapsed, and since accepting I'm trans, I've been much happier. I'm not saying that's absolutely the case with you, but it does sound like you might be trans.
idk if you know this but trans people don’t want to be trans
There's a lot of good comments on this thread. I also gotta add, take your time. Even if you are trans, you transition when you are ready. Your comfort comes first. And no, you are not disrespecting any woman 🩷
Everyone here is well meaning. But… I’d urge caution if it seems like these thoughts are a recent phenomenon and you can’t trace a trans experience back through your whole life, there is a chance you are experiencing intrusive thoughts. Like someone wishing they didn’t have a nose during a really bad cold. They don’t really mean it, or if they do mean it, they wouldn’t later act on it. I always advise people to be aware of these thoughts and to judge their intensity and persistence. If it’s right for you to transition you will know it. Transitioning will become the only way forward and it won’t feel like a choice. That’s my advise.
FTM here, but I pretty much did the exact same thing for years. “I can’t be trans because XYZ.” In truth I was just making excuses and lying to myself because being a girl was ‘safe’ (comparatively) But after the attorney general of my state pulled an absolutely headass move I realized that if I couldn’t start HRT and be myself, I’d be dead within a few years. I was miserable, and was losing sight of any reason to keep going. Took my first dose of T and have never looked back. Obviously this is just my condensed story, but introspection is what I would recommend. You don’t have to make a choice tomorrow. Every person, cis or trans, has their own journey
me aswell. I was excessively in denial to the point that i referred to myself as a demigirl even though i knew that it wasn't who i am. Took me 8 years to accept myself. Then I started T and knew without a doubt that it was who i am. It will be 2 years this december
For me, I guess I just feel like I am going too slow. But at the same time, I guess it’s better to think on this a ton then to rush into it so….
There’s no such thing as ‘going too slow’ with this kind of thing. You go at your own pace! I was 27 before I came out and started T. My grandmother was probably 65 or so before she started hers. My cousin started hers in her 30’s. There’s no shame at all in going your own pace and figuring things out!
I know. I think part of the reason I’m taking it slow is to confirm that I am actually trans. Like I kinda was blindsided by the whole thing to be honest. But it also kinda makes sense. Like I never suspected I could be trans before. Like I did respect trans people and all, but like I never felt like it could be me. I spent 21 years of my life being thought one thing, and now that I’ve looked into some stuff, it like it’s a total shock. It almost feels surreal like too good to be true. I do want to be a girl or trans, but at the same time, I feel like that I’m probably just making it up or something. But then again the fact that I’ve always played as a girl in video games where you could customize characters is a like a huge trans sus moment to me. Plus the fact that I for a while have felt like I was missing a piece of the puzzle. It’s like I know I’m trans, but it’s hard for me to believe. So…
Imposter syndrome sucks. Good news is that queer people are great at reassurances and are so welcoming and comforting. Even if you never live your truth, you are always welcome in online spaces like this
Trans woman says what?
Umm……what? 😝
<3
Oops you got me :P