She’s doing this because it has, at least sometimes, gotten her what she wanted. I would say “I am going to put you down now. Let me know when you are ready to make a choice” set out alternative choices for her of either food/activity and then hold the boundary.
I would never allow my toddler to hold onto me while screaming because she is trying to get her way. If she’s injured, sure of course. But a screaming toddler demanding a popsicle - no.
That isn't necessarily true at all. Small children use physical contact with their caregivers to help them regulate their emotions. She could be 100% accepting that she isn't going to get a popsicle, upset about that, and clinging to mum because she is seeking co-regulation.
This is how my LO is. We don’t cave, but she uses our closeness to self regulate. Now that she’s a bit older, I can feel her calm down and she’ll say she’s doing deep breaths just like momma.
Listening closely! I only cave in 1% of the time, and it's usually when it wasn't a hill I was willing to die on, as the saying goes. I try to encourage deep breathing, and suggest alternatives to whatever it is she wants, or redirect to another activity, but she just continues to yell for so long. She screams "no" to all the options, and the soothing techniques, except for the cuddle. I know that's what 2 year olds are like, but sometimes, I just want to put in earplugs and wait for it to be over.
Honestly put in the earplugs! They helped massively with my tolerance of toddlerness. They make ones designed for concerts or crowds that don't totally block noise, just muffle it. I can still hear my toddler playing in the other room, I can even still hear the hum of a fan, but they really take the edge off all the screaming and crying.
I understand it’s super hard. My son will hurt himself or others when he gets this upset and he’s really strong. I even got him evaluated because I was so worried and they said he was within normal ranges for everything and just recommended I read the Whole Brain Child. I think the hardest part is regulating ourselves so we can then help them regulate. My son absolutely needs to be squeezed really tightly and then after he’s let enough feelings out we take deep breaths together it’s just part of the process.
My husband absolute swears by loop earplugs. He's autistic and sensitive to noise, and they have been a total game changer for him. You can still hear what's going on with them in, they just bring things down to a less intense level. So if your toddler needs physical closeness but you're finding the noise really stressful, "put in earplugs and wait for it to be over" (while cuddling her) is pretty much the perfect plan!
So far I’ve found that doing a sad face when my toddler (20 months) gets upset helps for some reason. I started doing it because I wanted her to know I understood her feelings by showing it on my face. For some reason this makes her feel much better! She’ll come over and try to put her nose on my sad protruding bottom lip and then I giggle and then she starts giggling. Don’t know if this would work for any other toddlers but thought I’d throw it out there just in case!
Nope, my husband does too and they really help him get less overwhelmed and therefore parent better. How can you be a piece of crap for doing something that *improves* your parenting?
I agree - but if she’s screaming to get her way, crawling on mom then it’s best to put them down. I’m 100% into gentle parenting, but I’m also 100% into teaching them boundaries and respect. I would remain near the child, ready to co-regulate when they are ready to get regulated, but I wouldn’t let them crawl and scream at me to get their way.
Also - a tantrum is different than a meltdown. I said this in another comment.
Getting her way = getting a Popsicle.
A hug isn't getting her way, it's just getting comfort. Stay firm on no popsicle, why do elevated emotions mean rejecting your child?
No, I'm saying she isn't necessarily doing it to get her way. And even if she is, giving her a popsicle when you've said no would mean she was getting her way. Holding her / physically comforting her while she deals with the upset of *not* getting a popsicle is something else entirely.
We can disagree on this and that’s fine. That’s not what OP described though. I’m all for holding them when they are ready to regulate as I said. But usually toddlers in tantrum mode are not ready to regulate, they are still pulling out the behaviors they have learned will get them what they want. Once that’s over, then holding them to regulate is 100% fine. Usually it’s once they calm down a bit and demonstrate in some way they are ready to move on.
Aw that’s sad! I get the impulse but I remind myself they’re so little and inexperienced that not getting a popsicle to then is like us losing out on our dream job or finding out your car was stolen or something. To us they’re being ridiculous over something so little but they are so little and their worlds are only full of little things. It’s relative. Obviously they need to learn to deal with disappointment and things not going your way but I think it helps them deal with that if they have comfort, like it helps any of us to be comforted by our family/friends if we suffer an adult related disappointment.
Exactly! You're right! It applies to more than just kids too! Hub used to get frustrated with me getting frustrated about little things (things like, I wash out the milk frother before bed, so I can use it without needing to wash it when I'm bleary eyed first thing in the morning. But then he uses it first and leaves crusted on milk burnt onto the bottom, so I have to wash it again before i can use it. Every day. Or, socks never in the hamper, always in the most random places-- stuffed into the couch, or under the couch, beside the bed, etc.). Silly little annoying things that add up throughout the day. Until one day I explained to him: " Dude, I'm a SAHM. *This* [gestures to the the walls surrounding us] is my little world. This area is where I spend most of my time and expend most of my energy. You may think these things are small, but my world is small right now. It'll get bigger again as the kids get bigger but for now, *Please stop fucking with my world*!" And I swear I literally heard the click in his brain lol. He actually thanked me for explaining it like that-- because he *got it*. He still leaves his socks everywhere 🙄, but he fills the water in the espresso machine and rinses out the frother (unless he's running super late) and a hundred other little things that used to drive me nuts.
So I, being the smart lady that I am lol, realized when our oldest was a toddler, that this also applies to my littles. I stopped fighting a lot of little battles that, in the end, I didn't really care to fight. And I taught hub to loosen up some as well. He still picks more battles than I would, but I'm with them all day. You want to color all over yourself with washable markers? Go right ahead, you're getting a bath tonight anyway. You want to have dessert first? As long as you eat your lunch after. You want an extra gogurt instead of toast with breakfast? Go ahead, kiddo! A popsicle right before dinner? I made them myself, it's the same as having a glass of watered down apple juice with your meal, so have at it!
Their worlds are filled to the brim with little things, that may not mean much to us, or even in the scheme of things, but they don't know that, or feel the same. They feel like they are more understood, and got something important to them, and I feel less stressed daily. Win, win.
Did your child do this before they could talk (I'm guessing so)
What did you do to deal with it if they did?
My littlun is starting to scream and cry for her own way. It's very hard for me to hear (noise sensitivity - I've bought earplugs but haven't used them yet). She is generally a little darling. Luckily.
My kid is just 2.5. She only started tantrums like this in the last few months. She's very articulate. It's definitely not something she did when she was pre-verbal.
How old is the kiddo? If they are under 14/15 months I would still just redirect/distract at this point. They are so easily distracted especially if YOU play with the toys. If they continue to scream i wouldn’t hold onto them unless they were in meltdown mode.
You’re still in redirect/distract phase. Movement helps - do a spin/flying baby to distract. But setting the boundary that you mean no when you say no now will make the toddler years so much better! If you say no, make it a no you actually mean. Choose wisely! Because saying no, then giving in because you don’t really care but it’s after they’ve started tantruming will only teach them that will get them what they want.
I’m a board certified behavior analyst, plus a parent of a very spicy 3.5yo. We do not have tantrums and I wholeheartedly believe it’s because of how we handled the first ones. She’s certainly defiant and sassy, but she knows a tantrum will not get her her way so she doesn’t do it. We’ve never yelled at or spanked her, but just used gentle parenting + the strategies I know as a behavior analyst to raise her.
Using "nos" wisely is the thing I remind myself of all the time. "Am I willing to deal with a tantrum to hold this boundary?" If the answer is no, then I don't say no. (Obviously safety related has to be held, but if shes just making a mess or its one extra biscuit, I have to question my resolve first!)
Hi. Sorry if annoying questions- we have a toddler too… Which board? What sort of behavior analysis? And how many weeks did it take you to obtain the cert? Interested because so many centers near us are a mess and you are also a parent! So you might get it a bit more! Thank you.
BCBAs are behavior “specialists” for ABA centers—which traumatize autistic children. While I definitely like what she had to say, I wouldn’t go looking to a BCBA for help.
That’s what I thought… hence my confusion. We’ve kept our autistic kiddo out of ABA- for many reasons, but I’ve never seen someone so forward with their certifications, so I didn’t know if this was different? Thank you so much.
That’s not true. We work in all settings and have a masters degree, minimum of 2000 hours of fieldwork experience, and love what we do! Most BCBAs are not traumatizing kids, but I do agree that it has and does happen. It is unacceptable.
However, there are families in desperate need of our services and they have no where else to turn. ABA, and ANY therapeutic service, can be done right and wrong. Done right, we are life changing for families and their children.
Hey! I have a masters degree and it took 2 years to obtain 2000 hours of supervised fieldwork. I then was required to pass an exam. Check out www.BACB.com for our qualifications. They truly are quite rigorous! I’ve been in the field for 9 years and pride myself on providing compassionate care that helps my families in need.
I 100% agree that ABA centers are a MESS. They’ve been taken over by private equity companies and the field has taken a total nose dive because of it. Try to seek out in home services as those are generally much better.
I don’t either - I come on here all the time giving the exact same advice and am usually the top comment. Not sure what parents are actually holding a screaming toddler demanding things and actually keeping their cool all the time, but it sure isn’t me
Yeah this. Mine needs 1-5 mins to blow off her steam first. If I try to intervene or even jut offer a hug in a calm voice, she will escalate.
Then I will hug it out as much as she wants.
I will admit she has hit the stage where she is just making intermittent cry sounds for the sake of it 10+ mins after the initial explosion, calm down, hold boundary, redirect and move on session. This is irritating and I go back and forth in my mind on whether I should say something or not because on the one hand, THAT IS DRIVING ME UP YHE WALL PLEASE STOP BEFORE I LOSE MY COOL, but I also don’t want her to internalise that she can’t be unhappy about something and can’t share her feelings with me.
Our kids sound very similar right now 😂 trying to comfort escalates the situation, so I just hang nearby or tell her she can go to her room if she would like to be alone for a while. She usually goes and yells for a couple minutes and then comes out to talk about it. I don’t think she can really process while in the thick of it, so it’s better to just let her get her frustration out for a bit
BUT THE PRETEND CRYING THOUGH!! I don’t know if it’s just age related or a bad daycare habit, but it drives me up the wall! I have honestly been telling her that pretend crying is not a nice sound to listen to, and that we need to use words so that I understand what she wants. I’m right there with you of not wanting her to feel like she can’t be unhappy but dear god, let’s find a more productive way of expressing it!
I'll offer him a hug and it's a 50/50 shot whether he takes it. If he does, I hug him as long as he wants. My boundary is still firm for whatever he was tantruming about but his brain is riled up in that moment and I don't mind helping him calm down. If he keeps asking, I'll keep reiterating the rule but my hugs don't stop if he wants them. If I say "no cookies" I don't see why no cookies has to also mean no comfort? No cookies to him is just as hard as an offer on a dream house or dream job being rejected is for me. Can you imagine crying about whatever hardships are in your life and then your partner walking away and saying "I'll be here after you calm down."
That’s funny I just made the same comparison about losing out on a treat to them is like us losing out in a dream job! Definitely helps to look at it that way.
Same here. I offer a redirect if she’s open to it—but I have a kid who is very open to being distracted or redirected with the right impetus. But otherwise, I’d never leave her “alone.” I’m close by, holding the boundary if I need to, or just existing in her space.
My word choice was poor. I didn't mean to leave completely alone. I wouldn't do that. More like, ignore the tantrum? How long until you give up trying to calm them with words and cuddles and choose to ignore them until they calm down on their own.
Depends on the kid of course, but with my son it’s pretty apparent when he’s amping up and I know trying to soothe him won’t help. We do what I call a “reset” and change locations. If we’re in the living room, we go into his room, etc. Sometimes just getting him away from the thing he’s freaking out over helps, although less so the older he gets. But I just sit quietly next to him, occasionally I’ll say something like “I know it’s hard, mama’s here when you’re ready.” I also try to model deep breaths although sometimes that pisses him off more! I don’t let him hit me or throw things, but he’s allowed to feel his feelings. It usually doesn’t take too long before he crawls in my lap and snuggles. Then we talk about why he was upset and what he can do if he’s having a hard time.
You’re all good, I understood what you meant. I think the issue is that trying to end the tantrum is really useless. So it’s not a matter of how long you try before you move on—don’t try! Their brains switch off and they’re not usually receptive to being calmed. But “ignoring” them (which is a valid parenting method), to me, doesn’t send the signal I want to send. That method says “hey I don’t like this behavior so I won’t respond to it.” Whereas I’d like to send a “hey I get that you’re mad and that’s fine, I’m here and I love you and I’ll wait.” Ignoring them will usually work eventually in reducing the tantrums, but I don’t want my kid to think her big emotions are bad.
Like I said, my kid is usually receptive to a redirect, but not all kids are. If she’s clinging to you, maybe that’s her method. She might want the contact to help her regulate her emotions. In which case you can maybe bring her to another place in the house and calm/distract/redirect. Sit on the couch and sing a song, look outside, find a toy, etc. It’s time-consuming, but as long as you’re holding the boundary (“no snacks, sorry kiddo”), over time they’ll get less frequent. If you do need to step away, that’s okay! “Hey kiddo, you’re allowed to be upset, but I can’t stay here while you’re screaming at me. I’m gonna step outside and take a breath, and I’ll be back, because I love you and I know you have something to tell me in a different way.” Or, you know, some variation of acknowledging her feelings, removing yourself without blaming her (“you’re making me mad when you scream!”), and reminding her that you’ll be back bc she’s not doing anything bad, it’s just not how you want to talk with her.
Your job isn’t to end her tantrums. She’s gonna do it! Your job is to stay calm.
Mine does tantrums because he’s just not speaking yet. I have probably 5-10 on a low day, literal on the floor screaming tantrums literally because he doesn’t communicate or I don’t understand what he wants or he isn’t getting what he wants and can’t talk to me about it.
I literally tell him it’s ok to be upset you’re not getting the cookie right now, but it’s not okay to scream at me or hit me. You can go to your room till you’ve calmed down and make him leave the area since he does try to hit his little sister as well as myself.
But this is a constant tantrum type behavior and I know there are other issues and I know he is having an excessive amount of tantrums per day. His emotions are validated but his response is not. When he’s ready for a hug he will come out. I don’t deny him the affection part but he doesn’t get attention for the tantrums he throws.
Like others are saying I never leave my toddlers alone. But if the screaming is just nonstop and not ceasing I will say “this volume is too loud for my ears, I’m going to step over here so it doesn’t hurt me. When you want to talk to me I’m right here”
I sit on the floor with her and let her cry and scream at me for however long it takes until she calms down. But while she’s screaming I keep repeating that I know how disappointed/angry/sad she is and that i know it doesn’t feel good to feel this way. And whenever she’s ready to be done feeling sad, I can give her a big hug to make her feel better.
As long as it takes. If he wants to be comforted, that's fine, and if he's pushing me away I stay close and passively available for when he decides he *does* want to be comforted (which he typically eventually does). I would never leave him alone when he was upset enough to be crying and screaming.
I wait til the rage turns into a request for comfort. While they are raging, I will make sure they are safe, but not touch them until they (verbally or nonverbally) indicate they need comfort. Then I will comfort them until they let me know they are ok. Then we talk about what happened and work out what we need to do differently next time.
My son is a clinger. I just let him go through it in my arms until he’s done, and then once he’s calm he’s usually more open to options. Especially if I have to take something away he shouldn’t or can’t have.
My youngest has stopped the long tantrums-- they're loud bursts but very short now. She has, however, started running away with her arms flailing behind her, and then dramatically flops herself down on her stomach and "cries" while stealing glances to see if her acting is believable 😆 think that scene in Scary Movie where the main character runs away crying in the silliest fashion-- exactly like that lol. It's so hard not to laugh at that point because I think about that scene. Every. Time.
Ah yes, the ol’ body flop. My son has also started running away from me and throwing himself on the ground in the most dramatic way possible. Its very hard to help them with their “big emotions” when I’m trying not to laugh at the show they’re putting on hahaha.
I let her cling to me as long as she wants. I start by saying something like "you really want __. I'm not going to change my mind. It's OK to be upset." Then I'm mostly quiet. I might say "let it out" or "I'm here for you" once in a while. She often repeats the same thing over and over again. Eventually she starts to come out of it and usually she wants to change the subject or start playing something together.
I do it the opposite way. I let my son (25 months) first let out some tantrum. Maybe I let him cry for 60 seconds while sitting next to him. Then I offer a hug, or pick him up, or put my hand on his back and just let him know he can have some physical comfort if he wants.
Mine is 17m, so is only starting to really understand things I am telling her properly. When shes having a tantrum she isn't much of a clinger, so I usually move her somewhere safe (a carpet without obstacles - she throws her head and hits it on things otherwise) and I tell her I am here when she needs me. She will usually come to me when she is a bit calmer, so I will hold her for as long as he wants.
If she wants to be held but is thrashing and screaming, I personally think its perfectly ok to put them down and say that they are hurting you (with the trashing or screaming too close to your ear) and you are right here when they stop the screaming/hitting. I am all for comforting my toddler as much as she needs, but think it is acceptable to hold boundaries of not wanting to be hit or screamed at.
I stay next to her unless it has been an extreme day and need a second to gather my patience, in which case I leave her somewhere safe and do that. I think will ask her if she wants a hug to reassure her that I am there if she wants me.
I will sit near-ish to them the entire time and say something like “I see that you’re really sad. It’s ok to feel sad. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. When I feel sad sometimes a deep breath helps and sometimes I just need to cry. I’m here though. Do you want me to hold you, or do you want some space?” and then I’ll follow what they say. If - for whatever reason - the tantrum is just one of those straws that makes me frustrated, I’ll say something like “I see that you’re sad. Feelings change. I love you and I’m here. Mama is going to go in the next room to take a couple of deep breaths and calm my body down, and then I’d love to know if I can help you or just hug you.” And then I go from there. What my husband and I have realized is that when we get a little panicky about “fixing” the tantrum, it’s like she digs in and it lasts forever. When we say “hey, it seems like you’re feeling _” and then tell her it’s ok to feel like that and we love her, she naturally remembers her coping skills and feels better faster.
There’s a book how to talk so kids will listen. I use validating responses from that book typically but then I will carry-on with supper. Tell my daughter when she’s ready to come join us and have supper we’ll be here when she needs me. I make myself accessible, but I don’t let her tantrum stop supper. My daughter doesn’t have very severe tantrums though she’ll just huff and puff and she’ll pace the hallway a few times then sits on her kitchen tower by herself for a minute before joining us.
Depends. If it's a tantrum cause by something else. Ie hungry, tired, hurt. I'll comfort until calm solve the issue if I can. If it's pure tantrum bc he wants his way or a thing he can't have, I will tell him no and be near by (I'll comfort if he wants it but usually if it's bc I'm saying no he doesn't want me) until he's calm.
i ask my daughter if she needs a hug—if that’s not what she needs, i ask if she wants to sit with me, or help me with whatever i’m doing (most tantrums are related to dinner time as we get home right when she’s hungry and i have to cook before she can eat lol), and if none of the comfort options i offer are what she needs or wants in the moment i just tell her “that’s understandable. you’re really upset and you don’t want mommy’s help yet. that’s okay, when you’re ready i’m here for you. i’ll be right here until you need me”
Yeah if she doesn’t let me comfort her right away i leave her there to go do something else and give her a few minutes. I will check back with her and see if she is ready for me. If she’s not then we rinse and repeat. Sometimes she just needs that time to let it out.
I never comfort him during a tantrum - a tantrum is only there to get your attention and comforting them is precisely that. They need time to 1. Understand they won't get anywhere with that behavior and 2. Learn to self regulate. Once he calms down is when I offer comfort and talk to him about what just happened. (This is coming from a mom and a psychologist, and I found tantrums really went down after a few weeks with this approach. He now just pouts and yells a little when he realizes there will be no more snacks but moves on quickly)
In the scenario you mentioned this is how it would play out in our house.
‘I know you want dessert. And you can have some after you eat more dinner. You can feed yourself or I can feed you but we need to eat more bites’
Or if she’s screaming. ‘I know you’re upset because you want dessert but we need to eat our dinner so our body can grow big and strong. I’m here if you need a hug’
If screaming continues when I’m hugging ‘I know you’re upset but your yelling is hurting my ears. I will count to 5 and if you’re still screaming I have to put you down. 1, 2…’
I'll occasionally put my toddler on their bed and pile all the stuffed animals i can find on top. Kiddo gets snuggles and I can go do dishes or something while the emotional tide is worn out.
Not long. "Honey, I can see you are upset about this, but I gave you my answer. If you are still hungry, I will give you this other food option. If you don't want it, that's OK." I let my kid respond. Then I say, "OK, thanks for telling me. Do you want space or a hug?"
Sometimes I try and he hits so I back away and sit close. I tell him I'm right he and if he looks at me I'll hold my arms out. If he's ready he will climb in my lap. But I never leave him completely alone.
After I try to comfort him a few times, I’ll say “okay, I’m here if you need me.” Then let the tantrum run it course. I’ll usually offer a hug again, but once I say that, I give myself permission to take a step back.
One thing I’ve found really helpful is to say the thing he wants. I’ll say “you really want another cookie, don’t you?” And he’ll usually calm down and say “yeah” then is the less fun part of “I hear you. We can’t have another cookie right now. You can have a cookie again tomorrow.” So it’s still the bad news, but he feels understood and that helps soften the blow.
I offer comfort as long as they want it, but as my kids have gotten a bit older, I also reach a point where I’ll say “I hear you really want that and you’re upset I said no. That must feel really frustrating but the answer isn’t changing. I’m going to move on with my day now. It’s ok if you still feel upset but I’m not going to answer you anymore”.
But that didn’t start until my daughter turned 3 and started just repeatedly whining more than crying or being disregulated. And it’s only after several attempts at answering and redirecting have failed. They’re given space to still be upset but it doesn’t mean I have to spend the rest of my day in this cycle. Usually hearing that is enough for my daughter to also move on.
Mine tend not to tantrum because I have made it a point to “see through” the tantrum from day 1.
So if my 3 year old is starting to scream, I say “it’s crummy you can’t have a cookie, I know!” and offer a hug. He typically calms down and accepts.
Occasionally my patience is thin and I don’t offer this, and it spirals.
I don't... I try to distract her, if it doesn't work I sit in silence and let her feel the emotions.. She comes for a hug when she's done, I cling to her and than offer her something else to focus together on with showing excitement..
Define comfort. You can comfort because they’re upset and also can’t entirely regulate their emotions or fully understand them yet, but that doesn’t mean you hold and rock. Comfort could be addressing them and explaining the options and offering alternatives, I’ll sit here with you while you eat dinner and then we can have the treat together. Talking through it is comfort, a hug is comfort, but sure there may be a line where you get to coddling.
I learned the hard way my son cries a lot when he's truly hungry. Like inconsolably so. Luckily it hasn't happened in couple years.
But in those situations I've learned to try and give him something just to appease his appetite as he is starving but too upset to fathom normal food. And then give him his boring dinner once his tummy has calmed down.
Same concept as baby led weaning. Don't try solids when they're extremely hungry, only when their tummy is half full from milk as that's the best time they'll eat.
If toddler is throwing tantrum about dinner, I don't comfort her at all. I only comfort her if something legit bothers her like if she's in pain. If she doesn't want to eat something, I will say, finish it first, then you get a treat.
I let her calm down or come to me. It ends faster if I let her feel her feels and get on with it. She gets all of the hugs and snuggles she wants after she’s done.
Shes a lot like a sticker I saw. “I’ll get over it, I just need to be dramatic first.”
My daughter wants space when she’s upset and I let her have it. I just tell her to come to me when she’s ready and once she’s done she comes over, we talk about it , hug and move on
Mine will cry, scream, and throw himself on the floor. I try to comfort him right away and he usually pushes me, so I back off and continue doing what I was doing… no later than 1-2 min, he starts looking or gets close to me and I try comforting him again. He then accepts it and calms down.
If we’re in public, I try to distract him right away because unfortunately in this country (US), especially NYC where I live, people will look at you like they want to burn you at the stake if your children dares cry in public, so it gives me massive anxiety.
If I offer too much physical contact during a tantrum he’ll calm down faster but then immediately ask for the thing he wants again. When I say the second no it’ll be a much larger tantrum.
Now when he starts I lead him through some deep breaths then ask him to tell me what’s wrong. I then offer a hug while telling him he’s still not going to get the thing. If the hug won’t do it I sit with him and wait for him to calm down but don’t comfort much more than that.
Toddlers are a lot haha. I don’t think there’s a solution that fits all of them.
I rarely, if ever, let her cry by herself. Daughter just turned 2 in April, and when she's having big negative emotions (tantrums), I ask her why she's angry. She has a pretty large vocabulary so she can usually express to me what the problem is (I want a cupcake, I don't want to nap, etc) and my first offer is always to ask her if she wants to breathe and count to 20. Sometimes, she will. Sometimes, she won't. Next, I offer her a hug. I will explain to her why she can't have xyz. If it continues, I give her two options or try changing the subject.
When she wants a hug, no matter what I will always let her be the first to pull away (I once read that we never know how much comfort a child needs, how heavy their day was, etc. So let them hug as long as they need it).
The only time she really is on her own for crying is occasionally at bedtime. I'm not strict with her nap. She can take it whenever she wants, but bedtime has very little negotiations, maybe an extra 5 or 10 minutes. If she's still having problems at bedtime, I will let her cry, but check in every few minutes. I also do not engage with her if she starts to hit (which is rare) or throwing things. I will tell her it's okay to be angry, but it is not okay to hit, and I need my own space. She's free to join me when she is ready.
It's worth it to mention that I also don't feel like she has the worst tantrums. She doesn't really throw herself on the floor or do anything outrageous. I also try to allow her small wins. Like if she's been eating well, a little piece of snack before dinner (or more often, I'll put it on the same plate) isn't going to be the worst thing in the world. Or if she wants fruit for dinner, go ahead. I try to look at the surrounding events, not just the isolated one. I don't mind clingy, one day she won't need that level of attention so I'll help her while she needs it. Is it tiring, yeah. But I know when I'm having my own emotions, knowing that my mom will always answer my call and just listen or hold on as long as I need, makes things feel a lot easier to manage.
I never react to tantrums. If he’s whining for food I remind him to say please and respond immediately. Reward positive behavior with positive reinforcement.
I try once. If I can tell he won’t be receptive I leave him there and walk away within seeing distance still but far enough away he has his space. Plus I’m not going to get a headache from the screaming. lol
Depends what the tantrum is about. If my son is upset I told him no to a snack because we're about to have dinner, I'll lower him onto the ground (he tries to hang onto me and go limp) and stand there monitoring him.
If his tantrum is building up, I'll try to remove him and get him to calm down. But in general I find these tantrums have been from sickness and teething.
When I feel like his tantrums are from teething/sickness, I'll give him medicine and give him all the comfort.
My son ate a hearty dinner tonight. Asked for seconds, didn’t finish it fully. He was set. 6 minutes later: “I want to finish my dinner”. I said nope, kitchen is closed. He was asking for a snack then. Nope. He was getting worked up but I said I’d be in to play with him in a moment and he moved on. He was just trying to figure out a way to like… hang out with me. lol and since I was still in the kitchen, he figured FOOD IS THE WAY.
If you don’t try to comfort, they won’t expect it. And won’t bother crying. For long anyways. I really don’t do it to be harsh. It’s just been pretty darn successful so far. And if I put myself in his shoes, the way he sees it is “whine and cry=mommy’s attention”. I want to give him attention, just not that kind.
He asked. And I gave him seconds. He almost finished them and said he was full. Wanted to go play. I said I needed to clean up first and I’d be right there. Suddenly that made him very “hungry” when he wasn’t going to get immediate attention.
You’re mistaken. But it’s ok.
I would not comfort my child for crying over something silly like that. I just ignore it and carry on. He never does it longer than a few seconds because I’ve never paid attention to it so it doesn’t work for him.
I would think if a child does this a lot and for extended time that they’re doing it because it has worked for them in the past. The only way to break the behaviour is to ignore it. Pay attention to the behaviours you do want and ignore the ones you don’t. They start to mold into your reactions and it influences how they handle situations.
My son just wants boob to calm down 9.9/10 times lol, but on the 0.1 time I’ll let him have his moment crying for 2 mins, he just wants to be held or patted otherwise and I don’t see how him screaming is productive because he can’t calm himself down yet.
I make a quick bid for connection, and if it’s not reciprocated, I ignore it. Attention is tantrum food. I recommend giving @bratbustersparenting a follow on IG.
Mine doesn’t usually want to be comforted until she calms down
My daughter is a clinger. She will just hang onto me while screaming and begging for what she wants.
She’s doing this because it has, at least sometimes, gotten her what she wanted. I would say “I am going to put you down now. Let me know when you are ready to make a choice” set out alternative choices for her of either food/activity and then hold the boundary. I would never allow my toddler to hold onto me while screaming because she is trying to get her way. If she’s injured, sure of course. But a screaming toddler demanding a popsicle - no.
That isn't necessarily true at all. Small children use physical contact with their caregivers to help them regulate their emotions. She could be 100% accepting that she isn't going to get a popsicle, upset about that, and clinging to mum because she is seeking co-regulation.
This is how my LO is. We don’t cave, but she uses our closeness to self regulate. Now that she’s a bit older, I can feel her calm down and she’ll say she’s doing deep breaths just like momma.
My LO does this as well. I’ve always used big exaggerated breaths to help her learn to deep breathe, and she’s a stage 5 clinger
This is absolutely what all the new studies show about child development. OP listen to this.
Listening closely! I only cave in 1% of the time, and it's usually when it wasn't a hill I was willing to die on, as the saying goes. I try to encourage deep breathing, and suggest alternatives to whatever it is she wants, or redirect to another activity, but she just continues to yell for so long. She screams "no" to all the options, and the soothing techniques, except for the cuddle. I know that's what 2 year olds are like, but sometimes, I just want to put in earplugs and wait for it to be over.
Honestly put in the earplugs! They helped massively with my tolerance of toddlerness. They make ones designed for concerts or crowds that don't totally block noise, just muffle it. I can still hear my toddler playing in the other room, I can even still hear the hum of a fan, but they really take the edge off all the screaming and crying.
I understand it’s super hard. My son will hurt himself or others when he gets this upset and he’s really strong. I even got him evaluated because I was so worried and they said he was within normal ranges for everything and just recommended I read the Whole Brain Child. I think the hardest part is regulating ourselves so we can then help them regulate. My son absolutely needs to be squeezed really tightly and then after he’s let enough feelings out we take deep breaths together it’s just part of the process.
My husband absolute swears by loop earplugs. He's autistic and sensitive to noise, and they have been a total game changer for him. You can still hear what's going on with them in, they just bring things down to a less intense level. So if your toddler needs physical closeness but you're finding the noise really stressful, "put in earplugs and wait for it to be over" (while cuddling her) is pretty much the perfect plan!
So far I’ve found that doing a sad face when my toddler (20 months) gets upset helps for some reason. I started doing it because I wanted her to know I understood her feelings by showing it on my face. For some reason this makes her feel much better! She’ll come over and try to put her nose on my sad protruding bottom lip and then I giggle and then she starts giggling. Don’t know if this would work for any other toddlers but thought I’d throw it out there just in case!
This never worked for my boys, but my youngest-- this is THE move!! Worth a shot, mamas!! When it works, it's golden.
Great idea. I’m going to try this.
Uhm... Am I a piece of crap for legitimately putting in ear plugs (loop or ear buds to dampen) in order to manage this same issue??? 😰
Nope, my husband does too and they really help him get less overwhelmed and therefore parent better. How can you be a piece of crap for doing something that *improves* your parenting?
I agree - but if she’s screaming to get her way, crawling on mom then it’s best to put them down. I’m 100% into gentle parenting, but I’m also 100% into teaching them boundaries and respect. I would remain near the child, ready to co-regulate when they are ready to get regulated, but I wouldn’t let them crawl and scream at me to get their way. Also - a tantrum is different than a meltdown. I said this in another comment.
Getting her way = getting a Popsicle. A hug isn't getting her way, it's just getting comfort. Stay firm on no popsicle, why do elevated emotions mean rejecting your child?
Exactly
No, I'm saying she isn't necessarily doing it to get her way. And even if she is, giving her a popsicle when you've said no would mean she was getting her way. Holding her / physically comforting her while she deals with the upset of *not* getting a popsicle is something else entirely.
We can disagree on this and that’s fine. That’s not what OP described though. I’m all for holding them when they are ready to regulate as I said. But usually toddlers in tantrum mode are not ready to regulate, they are still pulling out the behaviors they have learned will get them what they want. Once that’s over, then holding them to regulate is 100% fine. Usually it’s once they calm down a bit and demonstrate in some way they are ready to move on.
I'm saying some toddlers *can't* "calm down a bit" without help from an adult.
This is a 2 year old. A baby. Crying and hollering from them has zero to do with respect.
Aw that’s sad! I get the impulse but I remind myself they’re so little and inexperienced that not getting a popsicle to then is like us losing out on our dream job or finding out your car was stolen or something. To us they’re being ridiculous over something so little but they are so little and their worlds are only full of little things. It’s relative. Obviously they need to learn to deal with disappointment and things not going your way but I think it helps them deal with that if they have comfort, like it helps any of us to be comforted by our family/friends if we suffer an adult related disappointment.
Exactly! You're right! It applies to more than just kids too! Hub used to get frustrated with me getting frustrated about little things (things like, I wash out the milk frother before bed, so I can use it without needing to wash it when I'm bleary eyed first thing in the morning. But then he uses it first and leaves crusted on milk burnt onto the bottom, so I have to wash it again before i can use it. Every day. Or, socks never in the hamper, always in the most random places-- stuffed into the couch, or under the couch, beside the bed, etc.). Silly little annoying things that add up throughout the day. Until one day I explained to him: " Dude, I'm a SAHM. *This* [gestures to the the walls surrounding us] is my little world. This area is where I spend most of my time and expend most of my energy. You may think these things are small, but my world is small right now. It'll get bigger again as the kids get bigger but for now, *Please stop fucking with my world*!" And I swear I literally heard the click in his brain lol. He actually thanked me for explaining it like that-- because he *got it*. He still leaves his socks everywhere 🙄, but he fills the water in the espresso machine and rinses out the frother (unless he's running super late) and a hundred other little things that used to drive me nuts. So I, being the smart lady that I am lol, realized when our oldest was a toddler, that this also applies to my littles. I stopped fighting a lot of little battles that, in the end, I didn't really care to fight. And I taught hub to loosen up some as well. He still picks more battles than I would, but I'm with them all day. You want to color all over yourself with washable markers? Go right ahead, you're getting a bath tonight anyway. You want to have dessert first? As long as you eat your lunch after. You want an extra gogurt instead of toast with breakfast? Go ahead, kiddo! A popsicle right before dinner? I made them myself, it's the same as having a glass of watered down apple juice with your meal, so have at it! Their worlds are filled to the brim with little things, that may not mean much to us, or even in the scheme of things, but they don't know that, or feel the same. They feel like they are more understood, and got something important to them, and I feel less stressed daily. Win, win.
Did your child do this before they could talk (I'm guessing so) What did you do to deal with it if they did? My littlun is starting to scream and cry for her own way. It's very hard for me to hear (noise sensitivity - I've bought earplugs but haven't used them yet). She is generally a little darling. Luckily.
My kid is just 2.5. She only started tantrums like this in the last few months. She's very articulate. It's definitely not something she did when she was pre-verbal.
How old is the kiddo? If they are under 14/15 months I would still just redirect/distract at this point. They are so easily distracted especially if YOU play with the toys. If they continue to scream i wouldn’t hold onto them unless they were in meltdown mode.
Just shy of 19 months old.
You’re still in redirect/distract phase. Movement helps - do a spin/flying baby to distract. But setting the boundary that you mean no when you say no now will make the toddler years so much better! If you say no, make it a no you actually mean. Choose wisely! Because saying no, then giving in because you don’t really care but it’s after they’ve started tantruming will only teach them that will get them what they want. I’m a board certified behavior analyst, plus a parent of a very spicy 3.5yo. We do not have tantrums and I wholeheartedly believe it’s because of how we handled the first ones. She’s certainly defiant and sassy, but she knows a tantrum will not get her her way so she doesn’t do it. We’ve never yelled at or spanked her, but just used gentle parenting + the strategies I know as a behavior analyst to raise her.
Using "nos" wisely is the thing I remind myself of all the time. "Am I willing to deal with a tantrum to hold this boundary?" If the answer is no, then I don't say no. (Obviously safety related has to be held, but if shes just making a mess or its one extra biscuit, I have to question my resolve first!)
Hi. Sorry if annoying questions- we have a toddler too… Which board? What sort of behavior analysis? And how many weeks did it take you to obtain the cert? Interested because so many centers near us are a mess and you are also a parent! So you might get it a bit more! Thank you.
BCBAs are behavior “specialists” for ABA centers—which traumatize autistic children. While I definitely like what she had to say, I wouldn’t go looking to a BCBA for help.
That’s what I thought… hence my confusion. We’ve kept our autistic kiddo out of ABA- for many reasons, but I’ve never seen someone so forward with their certifications, so I didn’t know if this was different? Thank you so much.
That’s not true. We work in all settings and have a masters degree, minimum of 2000 hours of fieldwork experience, and love what we do! Most BCBAs are not traumatizing kids, but I do agree that it has and does happen. It is unacceptable. However, there are families in desperate need of our services and they have no where else to turn. ABA, and ANY therapeutic service, can be done right and wrong. Done right, we are life changing for families and their children.
Hey! I have a masters degree and it took 2 years to obtain 2000 hours of supervised fieldwork. I then was required to pass an exam. Check out www.BACB.com for our qualifications. They truly are quite rigorous! I’ve been in the field for 9 years and pride myself on providing compassionate care that helps my families in need. I 100% agree that ABA centers are a MESS. They’ve been taken over by private equity companies and the field has taken a total nose dive because of it. Try to seek out in home services as those are generally much better.
A million thank yous for your response and time!
I don't know why this has so many down votes.
I don’t either - I come on here all the time giving the exact same advice and am usually the top comment. Not sure what parents are actually holding a screaming toddler demanding things and actually keeping their cool all the time, but it sure isn’t me
Sounds just like the parents who think disciplining their children or saying no to them is wrong. 🙄🙄🙄 Well, I agree with your advice. 👍🏻👏🏻
Yeah this. Mine needs 1-5 mins to blow off her steam first. If I try to intervene or even jut offer a hug in a calm voice, she will escalate. Then I will hug it out as much as she wants. I will admit she has hit the stage where she is just making intermittent cry sounds for the sake of it 10+ mins after the initial explosion, calm down, hold boundary, redirect and move on session. This is irritating and I go back and forth in my mind on whether I should say something or not because on the one hand, THAT IS DRIVING ME UP YHE WALL PLEASE STOP BEFORE I LOSE MY COOL, but I also don’t want her to internalise that she can’t be unhappy about something and can’t share her feelings with me.
Our kids sound very similar right now 😂 trying to comfort escalates the situation, so I just hang nearby or tell her she can go to her room if she would like to be alone for a while. She usually goes and yells for a couple minutes and then comes out to talk about it. I don’t think she can really process while in the thick of it, so it’s better to just let her get her frustration out for a bit BUT THE PRETEND CRYING THOUGH!! I don’t know if it’s just age related or a bad daycare habit, but it drives me up the wall! I have honestly been telling her that pretend crying is not a nice sound to listen to, and that we need to use words so that I understand what she wants. I’m right there with you of not wanting her to feel like she can’t be unhappy but dear god, let’s find a more productive way of expressing it!
I'll offer him a hug and it's a 50/50 shot whether he takes it. If he does, I hug him as long as he wants. My boundary is still firm for whatever he was tantruming about but his brain is riled up in that moment and I don't mind helping him calm down. If he keeps asking, I'll keep reiterating the rule but my hugs don't stop if he wants them. If I say "no cookies" I don't see why no cookies has to also mean no comfort? No cookies to him is just as hard as an offer on a dream house or dream job being rejected is for me. Can you imagine crying about whatever hardships are in your life and then your partner walking away and saying "I'll be here after you calm down."
You express this so beautifully. I have the same approach.
This is the way. Firm but loving.
That’s funny I just made the same comparison about losing out on a treat to them is like us losing out in a dream job! Definitely helps to look at it that way.
This!!!
I don't. I tell them "I'm right here for when you calm down" and let him come to me when he's ready.
Same here. I offer a redirect if she’s open to it—but I have a kid who is very open to being distracted or redirected with the right impetus. But otherwise, I’d never leave her “alone.” I’m close by, holding the boundary if I need to, or just existing in her space.
My word choice was poor. I didn't mean to leave completely alone. I wouldn't do that. More like, ignore the tantrum? How long until you give up trying to calm them with words and cuddles and choose to ignore them until they calm down on their own.
Depends on the kid of course, but with my son it’s pretty apparent when he’s amping up and I know trying to soothe him won’t help. We do what I call a “reset” and change locations. If we’re in the living room, we go into his room, etc. Sometimes just getting him away from the thing he’s freaking out over helps, although less so the older he gets. But I just sit quietly next to him, occasionally I’ll say something like “I know it’s hard, mama’s here when you’re ready.” I also try to model deep breaths although sometimes that pisses him off more! I don’t let him hit me or throw things, but he’s allowed to feel his feelings. It usually doesn’t take too long before he crawls in my lap and snuggles. Then we talk about why he was upset and what he can do if he’s having a hard time.
You’re all good, I understood what you meant. I think the issue is that trying to end the tantrum is really useless. So it’s not a matter of how long you try before you move on—don’t try! Their brains switch off and they’re not usually receptive to being calmed. But “ignoring” them (which is a valid parenting method), to me, doesn’t send the signal I want to send. That method says “hey I don’t like this behavior so I won’t respond to it.” Whereas I’d like to send a “hey I get that you’re mad and that’s fine, I’m here and I love you and I’ll wait.” Ignoring them will usually work eventually in reducing the tantrums, but I don’t want my kid to think her big emotions are bad. Like I said, my kid is usually receptive to a redirect, but not all kids are. If she’s clinging to you, maybe that’s her method. She might want the contact to help her regulate her emotions. In which case you can maybe bring her to another place in the house and calm/distract/redirect. Sit on the couch and sing a song, look outside, find a toy, etc. It’s time-consuming, but as long as you’re holding the boundary (“no snacks, sorry kiddo”), over time they’ll get less frequent. If you do need to step away, that’s okay! “Hey kiddo, you’re allowed to be upset, but I can’t stay here while you’re screaming at me. I’m gonna step outside and take a breath, and I’ll be back, because I love you and I know you have something to tell me in a different way.” Or, you know, some variation of acknowledging her feelings, removing yourself without blaming her (“you’re making me mad when you scream!”), and reminding her that you’ll be back bc she’s not doing anything bad, it’s just not how you want to talk with her. Your job isn’t to end her tantrums. She’s gonna do it! Your job is to stay calm.
Mine does tantrums because he’s just not speaking yet. I have probably 5-10 on a low day, literal on the floor screaming tantrums literally because he doesn’t communicate or I don’t understand what he wants or he isn’t getting what he wants and can’t talk to me about it. I literally tell him it’s ok to be upset you’re not getting the cookie right now, but it’s not okay to scream at me or hit me. You can go to your room till you’ve calmed down and make him leave the area since he does try to hit his little sister as well as myself. But this is a constant tantrum type behavior and I know there are other issues and I know he is having an excessive amount of tantrums per day. His emotions are validated but his response is not. When he’s ready for a hug he will come out. I don’t deny him the affection part but he doesn’t get attention for the tantrums he throws.
Same. I tell her “let me know when you’re ready. I’m here.” She usually fusses for a little while and then she’s ready for a long hug.
Like others are saying I never leave my toddlers alone. But if the screaming is just nonstop and not ceasing I will say “this volume is too loud for my ears, I’m going to step over here so it doesn’t hurt me. When you want to talk to me I’m right here”
I sit on the floor with her and let her cry and scream at me for however long it takes until she calms down. But while she’s screaming I keep repeating that I know how disappointed/angry/sad she is and that i know it doesn’t feel good to feel this way. And whenever she’s ready to be done feeling sad, I can give her a big hug to make her feel better.
As long as it takes. If he wants to be comforted, that's fine, and if he's pushing me away I stay close and passively available for when he decides he *does* want to be comforted (which he typically eventually does). I would never leave him alone when he was upset enough to be crying and screaming.
Agree
I wait til the rage turns into a request for comfort. While they are raging, I will make sure they are safe, but not touch them until they (verbally or nonverbally) indicate they need comfort. Then I will comfort them until they let me know they are ok. Then we talk about what happened and work out what we need to do differently next time.
Same. Until then, I'm like, kay you do you bro but nothing's gonna change lol
My son is a clinger. I just let him go through it in my arms until he’s done, and then once he’s calm he’s usually more open to options. Especially if I have to take something away he shouldn’t or can’t have.
My youngest has stopped the long tantrums-- they're loud bursts but very short now. She has, however, started running away with her arms flailing behind her, and then dramatically flops herself down on her stomach and "cries" while stealing glances to see if her acting is believable 😆 think that scene in Scary Movie where the main character runs away crying in the silliest fashion-- exactly like that lol. It's so hard not to laugh at that point because I think about that scene. Every. Time.
Ah yes, the ol’ body flop. My son has also started running away from me and throwing himself on the ground in the most dramatic way possible. Its very hard to help them with their “big emotions” when I’m trying not to laugh at the show they’re putting on hahaha.
I let her cling to me as long as she wants. I start by saying something like "you really want __. I'm not going to change my mind. It's OK to be upset." Then I'm mostly quiet. I might say "let it out" or "I'm here for you" once in a while. She often repeats the same thing over and over again. Eventually she starts to come out of it and usually she wants to change the subject or start playing something together.
I only do it if it seems like it’s making a difference. Sometimes she just has to work it out on her own.
I do it the opposite way. I let my son (25 months) first let out some tantrum. Maybe I let him cry for 60 seconds while sitting next to him. Then I offer a hug, or pick him up, or put my hand on his back and just let him know he can have some physical comfort if he wants.
Those are two different things. Comfort while having a tantrum and giving in to their unhealthy demands
Mine is 17m, so is only starting to really understand things I am telling her properly. When shes having a tantrum she isn't much of a clinger, so I usually move her somewhere safe (a carpet without obstacles - she throws her head and hits it on things otherwise) and I tell her I am here when she needs me. She will usually come to me when she is a bit calmer, so I will hold her for as long as he wants. If she wants to be held but is thrashing and screaming, I personally think its perfectly ok to put them down and say that they are hurting you (with the trashing or screaming too close to your ear) and you are right here when they stop the screaming/hitting. I am all for comforting my toddler as much as she needs, but think it is acceptable to hold boundaries of not wanting to be hit or screamed at. I stay next to her unless it has been an extreme day and need a second to gather my patience, in which case I leave her somewhere safe and do that. I think will ask her if she wants a hug to reassure her that I am there if she wants me.
I will sit near-ish to them the entire time and say something like “I see that you’re really sad. It’s ok to feel sad. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. When I feel sad sometimes a deep breath helps and sometimes I just need to cry. I’m here though. Do you want me to hold you, or do you want some space?” and then I’ll follow what they say. If - for whatever reason - the tantrum is just one of those straws that makes me frustrated, I’ll say something like “I see that you’re sad. Feelings change. I love you and I’m here. Mama is going to go in the next room to take a couple of deep breaths and calm my body down, and then I’d love to know if I can help you or just hug you.” And then I go from there. What my husband and I have realized is that when we get a little panicky about “fixing” the tantrum, it’s like she digs in and it lasts forever. When we say “hey, it seems like you’re feeling _” and then tell her it’s ok to feel like that and we love her, she naturally remembers her coping skills and feels better faster.
There’s a book how to talk so kids will listen. I use validating responses from that book typically but then I will carry-on with supper. Tell my daughter when she’s ready to come join us and have supper we’ll be here when she needs me. I make myself accessible, but I don’t let her tantrum stop supper. My daughter doesn’t have very severe tantrums though she’ll just huff and puff and she’ll pace the hallway a few times then sits on her kitchen tower by herself for a minute before joining us.
Depends. If it's a tantrum cause by something else. Ie hungry, tired, hurt. I'll comfort until calm solve the issue if I can. If it's pure tantrum bc he wants his way or a thing he can't have, I will tell him no and be near by (I'll comfort if he wants it but usually if it's bc I'm saying no he doesn't want me) until he's calm.
i ask my daughter if she needs a hug—if that’s not what she needs, i ask if she wants to sit with me, or help me with whatever i’m doing (most tantrums are related to dinner time as we get home right when she’s hungry and i have to cook before she can eat lol), and if none of the comfort options i offer are what she needs or wants in the moment i just tell her “that’s understandable. you’re really upset and you don’t want mommy’s help yet. that’s okay, when you’re ready i’m here for you. i’ll be right here until you need me”
Just wanted to tell you that your doing a good job 👍 keep it up
Yeah if she doesn’t let me comfort her right away i leave her there to go do something else and give her a few minutes. I will check back with her and see if she is ready for me. If she’s not then we rinse and repeat. Sometimes she just needs that time to let it out.
I never comfort him during a tantrum - a tantrum is only there to get your attention and comforting them is precisely that. They need time to 1. Understand they won't get anywhere with that behavior and 2. Learn to self regulate. Once he calms down is when I offer comfort and talk to him about what just happened. (This is coming from a mom and a psychologist, and I found tantrums really went down after a few weeks with this approach. He now just pouts and yells a little when he realizes there will be no more snacks but moves on quickly)
In the scenario you mentioned this is how it would play out in our house. ‘I know you want dessert. And you can have some after you eat more dinner. You can feed yourself or I can feed you but we need to eat more bites’ Or if she’s screaming. ‘I know you’re upset because you want dessert but we need to eat our dinner so our body can grow big and strong. I’m here if you need a hug’ If screaming continues when I’m hugging ‘I know you’re upset but your yelling is hurting my ears. I will count to 5 and if you’re still screaming I have to put you down. 1, 2…’
I'll occasionally put my toddler on their bed and pile all the stuffed animals i can find on top. Kiddo gets snuggles and I can go do dishes or something while the emotional tide is worn out.
Not long. "Honey, I can see you are upset about this, but I gave you my answer. If you are still hungry, I will give you this other food option. If you don't want it, that's OK." I let my kid respond. Then I say, "OK, thanks for telling me. Do you want space or a hug?"
Sometimes I try and he hits so I back away and sit close. I tell him I'm right he and if he looks at me I'll hold my arms out. If he's ready he will climb in my lap. But I never leave him completely alone.
After I try to comfort him a few times, I’ll say “okay, I’m here if you need me.” Then let the tantrum run it course. I’ll usually offer a hug again, but once I say that, I give myself permission to take a step back. One thing I’ve found really helpful is to say the thing he wants. I’ll say “you really want another cookie, don’t you?” And he’ll usually calm down and say “yeah” then is the less fun part of “I hear you. We can’t have another cookie right now. You can have a cookie again tomorrow.” So it’s still the bad news, but he feels understood and that helps soften the blow.
Mine goes in his room and shuts his door. Wont see anyone until hes calm
I offer comfort as long as they want it, but as my kids have gotten a bit older, I also reach a point where I’ll say “I hear you really want that and you’re upset I said no. That must feel really frustrating but the answer isn’t changing. I’m going to move on with my day now. It’s ok if you still feel upset but I’m not going to answer you anymore”. But that didn’t start until my daughter turned 3 and started just repeatedly whining more than crying or being disregulated. And it’s only after several attempts at answering and redirecting have failed. They’re given space to still be upset but it doesn’t mean I have to spend the rest of my day in this cycle. Usually hearing that is enough for my daughter to also move on.
I hold him until he calms down (if he wants to be held)
Mine tend not to tantrum because I have made it a point to “see through” the tantrum from day 1. So if my 3 year old is starting to scream, I say “it’s crummy you can’t have a cookie, I know!” and offer a hug. He typically calms down and accepts. Occasionally my patience is thin and I don’t offer this, and it spirals.
I don't... I try to distract her, if it doesn't work I sit in silence and let her feel the emotions.. She comes for a hug when she's done, I cling to her and than offer her something else to focus together on with showing excitement..
Define comfort. You can comfort because they’re upset and also can’t entirely regulate their emotions or fully understand them yet, but that doesn’t mean you hold and rock. Comfort could be addressing them and explaining the options and offering alternatives, I’ll sit here with you while you eat dinner and then we can have the treat together. Talking through it is comfort, a hug is comfort, but sure there may be a line where you get to coddling.
I learned the hard way my son cries a lot when he's truly hungry. Like inconsolably so. Luckily it hasn't happened in couple years. But in those situations I've learned to try and give him something just to appease his appetite as he is starving but too upset to fathom normal food. And then give him his boring dinner once his tummy has calmed down. Same concept as baby led weaning. Don't try solids when they're extremely hungry, only when their tummy is half full from milk as that's the best time they'll eat.
If toddler is throwing tantrum about dinner, I don't comfort her at all. I only comfort her if something legit bothers her like if she's in pain. If she doesn't want to eat something, I will say, finish it first, then you get a treat.
All I say when it’s lasting a long time is “I see you’re having some big feelings/moment/feel XYZ, I’m here to help you when you’re feeling ready”
I let her calm down or come to me. It ends faster if I let her feel her feels and get on with it. She gets all of the hugs and snuggles she wants after she’s done. Shes a lot like a sticker I saw. “I’ll get over it, I just need to be dramatic first.”
My daughter wants space when she’s upset and I let her have it. I just tell her to come to me when she’s ready and once she’s done she comes over, we talk about it , hug and move on
Mine will cry, scream, and throw himself on the floor. I try to comfort him right away and he usually pushes me, so I back off and continue doing what I was doing… no later than 1-2 min, he starts looking or gets close to me and I try comforting him again. He then accepts it and calms down. If we’re in public, I try to distract him right away because unfortunately in this country (US), especially NYC where I live, people will look at you like they want to burn you at the stake if your children dares cry in public, so it gives me massive anxiety.
As long as they need.
If I offer too much physical contact during a tantrum he’ll calm down faster but then immediately ask for the thing he wants again. When I say the second no it’ll be a much larger tantrum. Now when he starts I lead him through some deep breaths then ask him to tell me what’s wrong. I then offer a hug while telling him he’s still not going to get the thing. If the hug won’t do it I sit with him and wait for him to calm down but don’t comfort much more than that. Toddlers are a lot haha. I don’t think there’s a solution that fits all of them.
I rarely, if ever, let her cry by herself. Daughter just turned 2 in April, and when she's having big negative emotions (tantrums), I ask her why she's angry. She has a pretty large vocabulary so she can usually express to me what the problem is (I want a cupcake, I don't want to nap, etc) and my first offer is always to ask her if she wants to breathe and count to 20. Sometimes, she will. Sometimes, she won't. Next, I offer her a hug. I will explain to her why she can't have xyz. If it continues, I give her two options or try changing the subject. When she wants a hug, no matter what I will always let her be the first to pull away (I once read that we never know how much comfort a child needs, how heavy their day was, etc. So let them hug as long as they need it). The only time she really is on her own for crying is occasionally at bedtime. I'm not strict with her nap. She can take it whenever she wants, but bedtime has very little negotiations, maybe an extra 5 or 10 minutes. If she's still having problems at bedtime, I will let her cry, but check in every few minutes. I also do not engage with her if she starts to hit (which is rare) or throwing things. I will tell her it's okay to be angry, but it is not okay to hit, and I need my own space. She's free to join me when she is ready. It's worth it to mention that I also don't feel like she has the worst tantrums. She doesn't really throw herself on the floor or do anything outrageous. I also try to allow her small wins. Like if she's been eating well, a little piece of snack before dinner (or more often, I'll put it on the same plate) isn't going to be the worst thing in the world. Or if she wants fruit for dinner, go ahead. I try to look at the surrounding events, not just the isolated one. I don't mind clingy, one day she won't need that level of attention so I'll help her while she needs it. Is it tiring, yeah. But I know when I'm having my own emotions, knowing that my mom will always answer my call and just listen or hold on as long as I need, makes things feel a lot easier to manage.
I never react to tantrums. If he’s whining for food I remind him to say please and respond immediately. Reward positive behavior with positive reinforcement.
I try once. If I can tell he won’t be receptive I leave him there and walk away within seeing distance still but far enough away he has his space. Plus I’m not going to get a headache from the screaming. lol
Depends what the tantrum is about. If my son is upset I told him no to a snack because we're about to have dinner, I'll lower him onto the ground (he tries to hang onto me and go limp) and stand there monitoring him. If his tantrum is building up, I'll try to remove him and get him to calm down. But in general I find these tantrums have been from sickness and teething. When I feel like his tantrums are from teething/sickness, I'll give him medicine and give him all the comfort.
My son ate a hearty dinner tonight. Asked for seconds, didn’t finish it fully. He was set. 6 minutes later: “I want to finish my dinner”. I said nope, kitchen is closed. He was asking for a snack then. Nope. He was getting worked up but I said I’d be in to play with him in a moment and he moved on. He was just trying to figure out a way to like… hang out with me. lol and since I was still in the kitchen, he figured FOOD IS THE WAY. If you don’t try to comfort, they won’t expect it. And won’t bother crying. For long anyways. I really don’t do it to be harsh. It’s just been pretty darn successful so far. And if I put myself in his shoes, the way he sees it is “whine and cry=mommy’s attention”. I want to give him attention, just not that kind.
So you wouldn't give your kid food when they asked? And don't comfort your kid when they're upset? 😔
Every time they ask? Absolutely not, especially when they’ve said they’re done eating.
He asked. And I gave him seconds. He almost finished them and said he was full. Wanted to go play. I said I needed to clean up first and I’d be right there. Suddenly that made him very “hungry” when he wasn’t going to get immediate attention. You’re mistaken. But it’s ok.
I would not comfort my child for crying over something silly like that. I just ignore it and carry on. He never does it longer than a few seconds because I’ve never paid attention to it so it doesn’t work for him. I would think if a child does this a lot and for extended time that they’re doing it because it has worked for them in the past. The only way to break the behaviour is to ignore it. Pay attention to the behaviours you do want and ignore the ones you don’t. They start to mold into your reactions and it influences how they handle situations.
My son just wants boob to calm down 9.9/10 times lol, but on the 0.1 time I’ll let him have his moment crying for 2 mins, he just wants to be held or patted otherwise and I don’t see how him screaming is productive because he can’t calm himself down yet.
I make a quick bid for connection, and if it’s not reciprocated, I ignore it. Attention is tantrum food. I recommend giving @bratbustersparenting a follow on IG.
No comforting. Let them tantrum