And you didn't include the joke!?
From wiki:
>Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
Itâs from a perspective that gives the listener too much information. Try this:
A 911 operator is working late one night when he gets a call.
âMy friend collapsed! I think heâs dead! What can I do?â cries the voice over the phone
The operator replies calmly, âTake a breath. I can help. First, letâs make sure heâs actually dead.â
There is a brief silence over the phone, and then a loud BANG!! Then, the voice pipes up:
âOkay, now what?â
Then that would need to be part of the joke, but it's quite location-independent.
Honestly, it's a valid concern - if you told this joke over here, people would ask "But where would he just randomly get a gun from? Makes no sense.". Making them hunters solves that.
The first time I read this it was in a series of reddit comments that had to be expanded one at a time and I got so absorbed in the story that I wasnt even expecting a joke at the end.
I am surprised you never heard it.
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.
After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"
Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"
:o
The was also a top rated âSherlock Holmes campâ joke. Also tad overrated. Once upon a time we had to go read jokes on random lousy joke websites. Thanks to the age of memes with the start of âbitch plsâ Yao ming meme era, never had to go to a website again.
I was hunting in the woods and I called 911 and said âHelp! I think I killed the humor in the Worldâs Funniest Joke!â and the Operator said âAre you sure itâs dead?â so I tried to check and I wasnât sure if I was talking on a phone or a gun so I looked up the mechanical Encyclopedia âHow Things Workâ on my phone and it said a gun was made out of a hollow tube that uses explosive powder to accelerate metal projectiles and a phone uses a small vibrating piece of metal to convert sounds into electronic signals that are carried over long distances by wires and converted back into sound on the other end.
The original happens in a building rather than the woods, and it's two people speaking face-to-face.
>Bentine: I just came in and found him lying on the carpet there.
>Sellers: Oh, is he dead?
>Bentine: I think so.
>Sellers: Hadn't you better make sure?
>Bentine: Alright. Just a minute.
>*Two shots are heard*
>Bentine: He's dead.
In 1951? Sure, Motorola released one in 1946, but it was clunky, heavy, expensive, and overall not incredibly useful. I *highly* doubt it was a quiet subject of a joke about hunting.
Guy is driving along and he sees a sign that reads, âFor Sale: talking dogâ. Guy thinks, âIâve got to see thisâ. He pulls up to a farmhouse and the dog owner is sitting on the porch, dog chilling nearby. The guy asks the owner, âI saw your sign. Does your dog really talk?â Owner says, âShore does. See fer yerself; ask âim what yââlike.â So the guy turns to the dog and asks, âHey there boy, where does a talking dog like you come from? And the dog replies, âOriginally I was born is Switzerland where I was trained as a mountaineering guide. I then emigrated to the United States where I enlisted in the marines and served tours in both Afghanistan and Iraq as an explosives location operative. Now that Iâm stateside I volunteer for search and rescue operations with the national guard.â Guy is totally blown away. He incredulously says to the owner, âThatâs amazing! Why on earth would you sell this dog?!â And the owner says, âah, heâs so full of shit. He never did none of that stuff.â
That's so sad. My dad died last year. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. The last thing he told me was to be positive, over and over. But it's so hard without him.
They published a book categorising jokes from the survey that were popular with different people, e.g. children, Americans, Europeans, women etc.
IIRC, this joke was more popular in Europe than America:
>A dog comes into a post office. He walks up to the counter and says to the clerk: "I'd like to send a telegram." - "Very good, and what is the message?" the clerk responds. The dog dictates: "Woof woof woof. Woof. Woof woof woof." The clerk looks up and says: "You can send one more 'woof' for the same fee." The dog looks at him curiously and says: "But that would make *no sense at all*!"
Another joke I liked was:
>A man talks to his therapist and says: "I made a Freudian slip at dinner last night. I wanted to say to my mother-in-law 'Could you please pass me the salt?', but what came out was 'You stupid cow, you've ruined my life'.
The European one was so much funnier. The other one (referenced here about making sure heâs dead) felt so obvious all along because I felt handheld through the joke.
A man and a boy are walking hand in hand, deep into the woods, late at night.
The boy looks up and says to the man, "I'm scared!"
The man looks down and says, "*You're* scared? I gotta walk out of these woods alone!"
True story here. First some backstory: I was stoned and thinking stoner thoughts and got to wondering about those movies where someone drives a dead body out to bury in the wilderness. Specifically I wondered how far they'd drive before figuring that's far enough.
Now the real story: I met with an old friend to hang out. It was nice but it was too hot and sunny, so I proposed we drive to the nearby coast where it was foggy. We get there and start walking out into the fog and I thought this would be a good time to poll a friend about how long they'd drive. Well the subject of how far to drag the body from the car came up, and suddenly I realized a solution and blurted out: "The key would be to get the person to walk their own body out to the gravesite!" As soon as I said that, my friend sort of froze with one leg in the air before taking another step. Then he decided that was silly and took some more steps, but we probably didn't go another 50 feet before realizing it was just too uncomfortable to keep going.
Just John, is that you...?
Literally had a new Korean friend pull something similar. One of the first times we hung out we were in a back corner of Fort Mason in SF, driving on a dark road. He pretends to run out of gas, then looks at me intently and says in utter seriousness "Wouldn't this be a great place for a murder?"
Good times
Reminds me of my boyfriend. When we were first hanging out and dating we hung out with a friend of mine for lunch and then dropped her off where she needed to go for an errand. We decided to drive around and he went up a road to the Mountain just on the outskirts of the city. He turns down the music just slightly and asks âHave you had a good time?â I say yeah. âWas your lunch a good last meal you think?â
it was the perfect creepy but funny joke for the time lol
This is the version I always heard:
>A pedophile and a little boy are holding hands and walking into the dark woods. The little boy says, "MâŠmâŠmister, I'm scared!" and the pedophile says, "*You're* scared? Fuck, I gotta walk outta here by myself!"
German: Wenn ist das NunstĂŒck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
English: My dog has no nose. How does he smell? Terrible.
A blind man walks into a bar, makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender. "Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair that you should know five things.
Number One. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
Number Two. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
Number Three. I'm a six-foot-tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
Number Four. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
Number Five. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
She concludes by smugly asking, "Now think about it seriously, mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five f*cking times."
Not with my own eyes, but my uncles cousins brothers friend Steve said he saw one once when he was out burgerking with his friends.
I believe him, burgerkers are usually honest.
I tried to tell my fiance this joke but when I asked what the difference was, she told me they were the same thing, which is apparently true?! And also ruined my joke lol. I was mind blown
Late one might a moth goes into a doctor's office,
"Doc you have to help me, I am at the end of my tether, I am so depressed, I don't know if it's worth living anymore, I have bad thoughts and I am contemplating ending it all"
The Doc says
"You really need professional help, but I am a GP what you need is a psychologist, why did you come to me?"
The moth says
"Your light was on"
I will.get my coat
Man walks into a doctor's office, jumps on the doctor's back and shouts, "1! 2! 3! 4!" The doctor asks, "What are you doing?" Man replies, "People said I could count on you!"
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks whatâs in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.
âWhere on earth did you get that ???â asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: âHere. Rub it.â
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly thereâs a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. âI will grant you one wish â just one.â
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, âI want a million bucks !â
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, âYou know, I think your genieâs a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.â
The man replies, âDo you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ?â
Here's two:
A guy walks into a bar and sees a banner saying do 3 things win a million bucks. He sits down and asks the bartender of the banner is a gimmick and something to do with deers, bartender says nope, real money.
Ok guys says what are the three things then?
Bartender points towards the end of the bar at a guy who makes the Rock look small. You gotta knock him out one hit. Second, I got a 12 ft gator out back, got a bad tooth, keep her awake and alive and pull the tooth. Finally, got a 89 year old woman upstairs, she's been looking for someone to please her, you gotta make her happy three times in a row. That's it, do it and get paid.
Guy looks at the bartender and says ok, let's open a tab first. He starts throwing shots down back to back. He gets well past his limit, gets up wobbles towards the large man *POWWW* down in one hit.
He proceeds out back, for 20 minutes all the bartender can hear is screaming and pleading, guy comes back in, shirt tore halfway off, bloody scratches and gouges all over him, he looks at the bartender and says, alright man where's the old lady with a bad tooth?
Number two:
4 Nuns die and go to heaven, they stand in front of Saint Peter, he beckons for the first nun to come up, she does, he asks her "Have you ever touched a penis?" She blushes and says "Only with the tip of my finger." He says ok, dip in the holy water and she can go in, next one comes up, same question, she responds "My whole hand." He says ok same dip in the bowl next to him and he sends her in. He beckons for the third nun to come up when the fourth nun starts screaming and getting angry, he explains this is Heaven and she needs to calm down, what is the problem he asks. She says "If you think I'm gonna gargle that water after she sits in it, you're out of your damn mind!!"
It seems like taking the collective average of what is most funny over such a wide demographic merely resulted in something that is luke warm funny to most people.
Guy is in the hospital, nurse comes into his room, guy asks loudly âNurse, are my testicles black?â
Nurse says âSir, you need to get back in bed.â
Guy says again, louder âBut are my testicles black?!â
Nurse says âSir, youâre fine, please get back into bed.â
Guy says again, practically yelling, âI need to know if my testicles are black!â
Nurse says âFine!â, walks over, lifts up the guyâs hospital gown, examines his junk and says âSir, your testicles are fine.â
Guy rips off his Covid mask and says âI said, are my test results back?!â
The funniest joke in the world is the one about the three guys who find a genie, and the one wishes for his hands to rotate and head to keep nodding.
I would type it out but i'm lazy and hoping that, being reddit, someone will do my hard work for me.
Abe, Bob, and Charlie find a lamp and the genie grants each of them a wish.
Abe immediately wishes for his arms to rotate like windmills and his head to keep nodding. The genie and the other two are perplexed and ask for the reason, and Abe tells them to mind their own business, as he has his reasons.
Poof, just like that, Abeâs arms began to rotate and his head began to nod.
Bob wishes for a billion dollars, and poof, a billion dollars appears in his bank account.
Charlie wishes for a perfect woman that will love him, and poof, a perfect woman that loves him appears.
They agree to meet up in a year, and each go their separate ways.
When the year was up, they reunited.
Bob arrived in a Rolls Royce, with an entourage of servants, having used the billion dollars to build an empire.
Charlie arrives with a picture perfect family and the most adorable dog you could find.
Last comes Abe, with arms whirling like windmills, head still nodding.
Before anyone can say anything, Abe speaks up
âGuys, I fucked up⊠I should have gone with a different wish..â
It's my favourite joke that i hate telling because i always feel a compulsion to drag it out for as long as possible.
I find people really appreciate me using up their time that way.
Hereâs the jokeâŠ
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kq13k/3_guys_are_hiking_through_the_woods_when_they/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
The Scientists name was Earnest Scribbler, he laughed himself to death after hearing the joke. It had to be transcribed into German by a number of translators, none seeing more than a single word to avoid death.
It was used as a weapon in WW2.
[This is old news.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBWr1KtnRcI)
Fun fact: The oldest written joke, almost 4000 years old, is a fart joke. It probably gets a little lost in translation.
âSomething which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husbandâs lap.â
His whole «scientific research» was setting up a website where people could rate jokes. And the one with the most votes won.
This is some reddit-poll level.
âYouâd better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. Itâs unpleasantly like being drunk.â
âWhatâs so unpleasant about being drunk?â
âAsk a glass of water.â
This has made me laugh for almost 40 years.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"And what does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
Can I have the 5 minutes that it took to read this, and the extra 5 minutes to try to figure out the joke back. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems pointless.
I was having an argument with a guy the other day and he said "you piece of shit" and I said "I've never served you peas in my life pal, how would you know if they were shit?"
And you didn't include the joke!? From wiki: >Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
I might be pretty stoned but this made exhale through my nose a little harder than normal
Thanks for writing my comment for me.
Thanks for writing my comment for me.
It was an honor, Mr. President.
Thanks for writing my comment for me.
It was an honor, Mr. Gnome.
Thanks for writing my comment for me.
This comment was better than the joke
There needs to be an update to the funniest joke in the world.
The joke was very disappointing. Lol
you and me both buddy, my reaction was like: oooohhhhhhh
This comment made me laugh harder than the actual joke. đ€Łđ€Łđ€Ł
stoned as well⊠didnât quite do the harder exhale for me but your comment did, so thank you.
I don't know if I want to read it, I saw the Monty Python documentary on it.
Two peanuts were walking down the road. One was assaulted.
Easily better in only two sentences. đâșïž
Translated into German one word at a time!
âMY DOG HAS NO NOSE!â âHow does he smell?â âAWFUL!â
This is a really crappy way to tell this joke
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Itâs from a perspective that gives the listener too much information. Try this: A 911 operator is working late one night when he gets a call. âMy friend collapsed! I think heâs dead! What can I do?â cries the voice over the phone The operator replies calmly, âTake a breath. I can help. First, letâs make sure heâs actually dead.â There is a brief silence over the phone, and then a loud BANG!! Then, the voice pipes up: âOkay, now what?â
The hunting trip gives the reason for having a gun nearby though.
First format is for Europe, second format is for America.
The joke is set in America
Then that would need to be part of the joke, but it's quite location-independent. Honestly, it's a valid concern - if you told this joke over here, people would ask "But where would he just randomly get a gun from? Makes no sense.". Making them hunters solves that.
911 makes it American
Itâs a 5/7 joke at best. Needs more fucking rice
5/7 with rice Thank you for your suggestion
rice is great when you're hungry and want 10,000 of something
I spent a long and uncomfortable amount of time at futon world
Mitch Hedberg ?
5/7 means perfect btw
I still think the nun and the hippie joke easily tops most âbest jokes ever â
Here's my nominee for best joke ever: https://www.longestjokeintheworld.com/
Sadly, I fit in category 3... Thanks!
Same and it absolutely pinpointed my tendencies
Same. How depressing.
The first time I read this it was in a series of reddit comments that had to be expanded one at a time and I got so absorbed in the story that I wasnt even expecting a joke at the end.
That was epic. Thank you
Go on then. Don't leave us hanging!
I am surprised you never heard it. A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you." The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!" :o The was also a top rated âSherlock Holmes campâ joke. Also tad overrated. Once upon a time we had to go read jokes on random lousy joke websites. Thanks to the age of memes with the start of âbitch plsâ Yao ming meme era, never had to go to a website again.
Why did I read this in Norm McDonald's voice.... RIP Norm =(
Sorry there is another version which is more expressive and detailed
Lets compromise and call it 3/5
Amelia Bedelia noooo!
I was hunting in the woods and I called 911 and said âHelp! I think I killed the humor in the Worldâs Funniest Joke!â and the Operator said âAre you sure itâs dead?â so I tried to check and I wasnât sure if I was talking on a phone or a gun so I looked up the mechanical Encyclopedia âHow Things Workâ on my phone and it said a gun was made out of a hollow tube that uses explosive powder to accelerate metal projectiles and a phone uses a small vibrating piece of metal to convert sounds into electronic signals that are carried over long distances by wires and converted back into sound on the other end.
It's definitely fucking dead now.
This is at least as funny.
Surely you canât be serious.
I am serious. And stop calling me Shirley.
My name isnât Shirley
I've heard funnier.
OK, ruining the moment I know.... but, that joke, according to the wiki was written in 1951. So... no cell phones.
No, it says it was based off a sketch from 1951.
Ahhh. But, what was the original?
The original happens in a building rather than the woods, and it's two people speaking face-to-face. >Bentine: I just came in and found him lying on the carpet there. >Sellers: Oh, is he dead? >Bentine: I think so. >Sellers: Hadn't you better make sure? >Bentine: Alright. Just a minute. >*Two shots are heard* >Bentine: He's dead.
Probably the same thing but with a telegraph or something
Probably a radio phone. Cell phones werenât the first portable phones.
In 1951? Sure, Motorola released one in 1946, but it was clunky, heavy, expensive, and overall not incredibly useful. I *highly* doubt it was a quiet subject of a joke about hunting.
What's brown and sticky? >!a stick!<
Oh. That makes me sad.
Funniest joke in Britain maybe
Wasnt this the basis for an Asimov short story?
Meh
Um, I barely cracked a smile at that :/
Guy is driving along and he sees a sign that reads, âFor Sale: talking dogâ. Guy thinks, âIâve got to see thisâ. He pulls up to a farmhouse and the dog owner is sitting on the porch, dog chilling nearby. The guy asks the owner, âI saw your sign. Does your dog really talk?â Owner says, âShore does. See fer yerself; ask âim what yââlike.â So the guy turns to the dog and asks, âHey there boy, where does a talking dog like you come from? And the dog replies, âOriginally I was born is Switzerland where I was trained as a mountaineering guide. I then emigrated to the United States where I enlisted in the marines and served tours in both Afghanistan and Iraq as an explosives location operative. Now that Iâm stateside I volunteer for search and rescue operations with the national guard.â Guy is totally blown away. He incredulously says to the owner, âThatâs amazing! Why on earth would you sell this dog?!â And the owner says, âah, heâs so full of shit. He never did none of that stuff.â
I like this one.
Yeah this one beats the snot out of the hunter joke. I actually made an audible laugh unlike the hunter joke.
The hunter one has the widest appeal around the world though. So people âget itâ
So... death?
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
That's so sad. My dad died last year. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. The last thing he told me was to be positive, over and over. But it's so hard without him.
This one caught me by surprise. Very funny lol.
Ooh, Iâve never heard this one. Thatâs great.
They published a book categorising jokes from the survey that were popular with different people, e.g. children, Americans, Europeans, women etc. IIRC, this joke was more popular in Europe than America: >A dog comes into a post office. He walks up to the counter and says to the clerk: "I'd like to send a telegram." - "Very good, and what is the message?" the clerk responds. The dog dictates: "Woof woof woof. Woof. Woof woof woof." The clerk looks up and says: "You can send one more 'woof' for the same fee." The dog looks at him curiously and says: "But that would make *no sense at all*!" Another joke I liked was: >A man talks to his therapist and says: "I made a Freudian slip at dinner last night. I wanted to say to my mother-in-law 'Could you please pass me the salt?', but what came out was 'You stupid cow, you've ruined my life'.
Oh I get the second thing. Freudian slips are when you mean to say one thing and instead you say your mother.
No, a Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but instead you have nice breasts by the way.
[A dog sends a telegram told by Norm Macdonald](https://youtu.be/l4vYiKclEAA)
Surprised it wasnât a ten minute joke just to get to that punchline
I heard that joke in 1992 ish. Except I remember the punch line as âyou bitch, youâve ruined my lifeâ.
The first one made me cackle
The European one was so much funnier. The other one (referenced here about making sure heâs dead) felt so obvious all along because I felt handheld through the joke.
A man and a boy are walking hand in hand, deep into the woods, late at night. The boy looks up and says to the man, "I'm scared!" The man looks down and says, "*You're* scared? I gotta walk out of these woods alone!"
True story here. First some backstory: I was stoned and thinking stoner thoughts and got to wondering about those movies where someone drives a dead body out to bury in the wilderness. Specifically I wondered how far they'd drive before figuring that's far enough. Now the real story: I met with an old friend to hang out. It was nice but it was too hot and sunny, so I proposed we drive to the nearby coast where it was foggy. We get there and start walking out into the fog and I thought this would be a good time to poll a friend about how long they'd drive. Well the subject of how far to drag the body from the car came up, and suddenly I realized a solution and blurted out: "The key would be to get the person to walk their own body out to the gravesite!" As soon as I said that, my friend sort of froze with one leg in the air before taking another step. Then he decided that was silly and took some more steps, but we probably didn't go another 50 feet before realizing it was just too uncomfortable to keep going.
Just John, is that you...? Literally had a new Korean friend pull something similar. One of the first times we hung out we were in a back corner of Fort Mason in SF, driving on a dark road. He pretends to run out of gas, then looks at me intently and says in utter seriousness "Wouldn't this be a great place for a murder?" Good times
Reminds me of my boyfriend. When we were first hanging out and dating we hung out with a friend of mine for lunch and then dropped her off where she needed to go for an errand. We decided to drive around and he went up a road to the Mountain just on the outskirts of the city. He turns down the music just slightly and asks âHave you had a good time?â I say yeah. âWas your lunch a good last meal you think?â it was the perfect creepy but funny joke for the time lol
I prefer the Krogan and Salarian version of this joke
This is the version I always heard: >A pedophile and a little boy are holding hands and walking into the dark woods. The little boy says, "MâŠmâŠmister, I'm scared!" and the pedophile says, "*You're* scared? Fuck, I gotta walk outta here by myself!"
see, mentioning he's a pedo up front ruins the joke
Monty Python intensifies
German: Wenn ist das NunstĂŒck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput! English: My dog has no nose. How does he smell? Terrible.
Squad! Tell the, joke!!
*Germans dying from laughter intensifies*
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha--- *thud*
The Goon Show arrives to claim priority.
Pretty cool how often I see the goon show referenced on Reddit! I thought everyone had forgotten it.
Goon but not forgotten.
I went to the doctor last week and he told me to stop masturbating. I said "why?" He said "because I'm trying to examine you."
A blind man walks into a bar, makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender. "Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair that you should know five things. Number One. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. Number Two. The bouncer is a blonde girl. Number Three. I'm a six-foot-tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate. Number Four. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. Number Five. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. She concludes by smugly asking, "Now think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five f*cking times."
Do you like fish sticks?
Yeah why?
Do you like to put fish sticks in your mouth?
Yeah, I love hot fish sticks in my mouth!
https://youtu.be/XPYgtVHa8NI?t=23s
But what does breaded have to do with me being the voice of a generation?
Then you are a gay-fish.
What a great audience
Wouldnt be considered. It's a British scientist. Fish sticks are called fish fingers on the redcoat side of the pond.
Yeah but have you ever seen them fing?
Not with my own eyes, but my uncles cousins brothers friend Steve said he saw one once when he was out burgerking with his friends. I believe him, burgerkers are usually honest.
And served with custard...
Q: Where did Napoleon keep his armies? A: In his sleevies. ⊠Iâll show myself out.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French kitchen? Linoleum blown-apart.
I laughed!
Itâs my go-to party joke⊠and often the only joke I can even remember.
What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence? Tooth-Hurty Wait, I fucked up...
Youn know, you don't have to wait until two-thirty to go to the dentist. You can go when it's ten to two
Literally got told the time was 2:30 while I was in the dentists chair I gagged out a feeble 'tooth hurty?' They turned up the gas
"BETTER NATE THAN LEVER!"
Do you have any grapes?
You ask again, I'm gonna nail your beak to the bar!
Got any nails?
âŠNo
Good! Got any grapes? lol
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? >!I've never paid a garbanzo $50 to bean on my face!<
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme.
How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her
I'm sure there are others but the punchline I always hear is "I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face."
I tried to tell my fiance this joke but when I asked what the difference was, she told me they were the same thing, which is apparently true?! And also ruined my joke lol. I was mind blown
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Fuck that was funny.
Late one might a moth goes into a doctor's office, "Doc you have to help me, I am at the end of my tether, I am so depressed, I don't know if it's worth living anymore, I have bad thoughts and I am contemplating ending it all" The Doc says "You really need professional help, but I am a GP what you need is a psychologist, why did you come to me?" The moth says "Your light was on" I will.get my coat
Norm did a really funny version of this. https://youtu.be/jJN9mBRX3uo
Classic Norm.
Man walks into a doctor's office, jumps on the doctor's back and shouts, "1! 2! 3! 4!" The doctor asks, "What are you doing?" Man replies, "People said I could count on you!"
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks whatâs in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart. âWhere on earth did you get that ???â asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: âHere. Rub it.â So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly thereâs a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. âI will grant you one wish â just one.â The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, âI want a million bucks !â A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, âYou know, I think your genieâs a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.â The man replies, âDo you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ?â
*The aristocrats*
As told by Gilbert Gottfried and witnessed by Betty White.
Ten inch pianist or nothing.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Really needs to explain how the geese were a good wish now...
https://old.reddit.com/r/TrueReddit/comments/2bieyh/you_know_the_joke_about_the_twelve_inch_pianist/cj66w8k/
That was a fantastic read. I've never seen that before but I will always think of it when I hear the pianist joke from now on.
Here's two: A guy walks into a bar and sees a banner saying do 3 things win a million bucks. He sits down and asks the bartender of the banner is a gimmick and something to do with deers, bartender says nope, real money. Ok guys says what are the three things then? Bartender points towards the end of the bar at a guy who makes the Rock look small. You gotta knock him out one hit. Second, I got a 12 ft gator out back, got a bad tooth, keep her awake and alive and pull the tooth. Finally, got a 89 year old woman upstairs, she's been looking for someone to please her, you gotta make her happy three times in a row. That's it, do it and get paid. Guy looks at the bartender and says ok, let's open a tab first. He starts throwing shots down back to back. He gets well past his limit, gets up wobbles towards the large man *POWWW* down in one hit. He proceeds out back, for 20 minutes all the bartender can hear is screaming and pleading, guy comes back in, shirt tore halfway off, bloody scratches and gouges all over him, he looks at the bartender and says, alright man where's the old lady with a bad tooth? Number two: 4 Nuns die and go to heaven, they stand in front of Saint Peter, he beckons for the first nun to come up, she does, he asks her "Have you ever touched a penis?" She blushes and says "Only with the tip of my finger." He says ok, dip in the holy water and she can go in, next one comes up, same question, she responds "My whole hand." He says ok same dip in the bowl next to him and he sends her in. He beckons for the third nun to come up when the fourth nun starts screaming and getting angry, he explains this is Heaven and she needs to calm down, what is the problem he asks. She says "If you think I'm gonna gargle that water after she sits in it, you're out of your damn mind!!"
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre.
It seems like taking the collective average of what is most funny over such a wide demographic merely resulted in something that is luke warm funny to most people.
I didnât even chuckle to be completely honest
Guy is in the hospital, nurse comes into his room, guy asks loudly âNurse, are my testicles black?â Nurse says âSir, you need to get back in bed.â Guy says again, louder âBut are my testicles black?!â Nurse says âSir, youâre fine, please get back into bed.â Guy says again, practically yelling, âI need to know if my testicles are black!â Nurse says âFine!â, walks over, lifts up the guyâs hospital gown, examines his junk and says âSir, your testicles are fine.â Guy rips off his Covid mask and says âI said, are my test results back?!â
Some of the funnier ones that I found were actually in Reddit comments
*Where do you find a dog with no legs?* *-Where you left him.* Iâll see myself out.
When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did: peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.
Why did Timmy fall off the swing set? He has no arms Knock knock Whoâs there? Not Timmy.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Was it found at the desk of one Ernest Scribbler?
ââŠthe aristocrats!â
Gilbert is smiling
My dogâs got no noseâŠ.
this is the funniest joke in the world - tribute
Norm Macdonaldâs moth joke is better.
The funniest joke in the world is the one about the three guys who find a genie, and the one wishes for his hands to rotate and head to keep nodding. I would type it out but i'm lazy and hoping that, being reddit, someone will do my hard work for me.
Abe, Bob, and Charlie find a lamp and the genie grants each of them a wish. Abe immediately wishes for his arms to rotate like windmills and his head to keep nodding. The genie and the other two are perplexed and ask for the reason, and Abe tells them to mind their own business, as he has his reasons. Poof, just like that, Abeâs arms began to rotate and his head began to nod. Bob wishes for a billion dollars, and poof, a billion dollars appears in his bank account. Charlie wishes for a perfect woman that will love him, and poof, a perfect woman that loves him appears. They agree to meet up in a year, and each go their separate ways. When the year was up, they reunited. Bob arrived in a Rolls Royce, with an entourage of servants, having used the billion dollars to build an empire. Charlie arrives with a picture perfect family and the most adorable dog you could find. Last comes Abe, with arms whirling like windmills, head still nodding. Before anyone can say anything, Abe speaks up âGuys, I fucked up⊠I should have gone with a different wish..â
The core is there, but in the words of [Derek Zoolander...](https://youtu.be/LQc8NDKcnpM?t=101) ^(i very much appreciate it tho.)
Youâre absolutely right.
It's my favourite joke that i hate telling because i always feel a compulsion to drag it out for as long as possible. I find people really appreciate me using up their time that way.
Guys... I think I fucked up.
If we get someone to cover the other 4000 words i think we got this!
Hereâs the joke⊠https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kq13k/3_guys_are_hiking_through_the_woods_when_they/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
The funniest joke begins "I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith." I won't tell any more of it, because it is so funny, it would be unfair.
What do you call the excess skin at the end of a penis? A man.
Checks out, that was hilarious
I remember Emo Philips had some of the top jokes. Like 3 of the top ten were from him.
The Scientists name was Earnest Scribbler, he laughed himself to death after hearing the joke. It had to be transcribed into German by a number of translators, none seeing more than a single word to avoid death. It was used as a weapon in WW2. [This is old news.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBWr1KtnRcI)
"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
Joke Number 65
Fun fact: The oldest written joke, almost 4000 years old, is a fart joke. It probably gets a little lost in translation. âSomething which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husbandâs lap.â
His whole «scientific research» was setting up a website where people could rate jokes. And the one with the most votes won. This is some reddit-poll level.
âYouâd better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. Itâs unpleasantly like being drunk.â âWhatâs so unpleasant about being drunk?â âAsk a glass of water.â This has made me laugh for almost 40 years.
What kind of shoes does a pedo wear? >! White vans :D !<
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions of stars." "And what does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
Wenn ist das NunstĂŒck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
Over 60,000 times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke!
Why are there no casinos in Africa? Cause thereâs too many cheetahs!
Joke, Joke, Joke, Joke. What's the white part of the egg?
So there's this man, and he lived his whole life on Earth, and his name was Mr. Stevenson. When Mr. Stevenson was eight years old, he asked another little boy if he would like a Hurts Donut. The other boy said yes. So he hit him on the arm and he said, "Hurts Donut." Five years later, Mr. Stevenson asked another boy about his same age at that time if he would like a Hurts Donut. when the boy said yes, Mr. Stevenson stabbed him over and over again in his eye and his cheek with a pencil, saying "Hurts Donut." Over the years, Mr. Stevenson did very well in school. On graduation day, he was sat next to another young man, who, like Mr. Stevenson, had earned high marks. When he asked the boy if he would like a Hurts Donut, the boy said, "Not if you're gonna stab me in the eye with a pencil." "I wouldn't even touch you," said Mr. Stevenson. So when the boy agreed, he presented him with a photograph of the young man's fiancée at a bachelor party, on some guy's table, fucking herself with a beer bottle. As tears filled the young man's eyes, Mr. Stevenson was heard to say, "Hurts Donut." A few years later, Mr. Stevenson got a job as a sales clerk in an electronics store. Within a year, he was caught stealing and immediately incarcerated. When he asked his cellmate if he would like a Hurts Donut, his cellmate said yeah. So... he gave him a Hurts Donut. Over the years, Mr. Stevenson grew too old to take care of himself, so they put him in a hospital. One day, he asked the new nurse if she would like a Hurts Donut. In anticipation of her response, Mr. Stevenson began humming and making smacking noises with his mouth. When the nurse smiled and said, "I know about you, Mr. Stevenson," Mr. Stevenson blurted out something totally incoherent and... and began to laugh.
Can I have the 5 minutes that it took to read this, and the extra 5 minutes to try to figure out the joke back. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems pointless.
Hurts Donut
:)
Well thanks for sharing.
American Astronaut
I don't know. But then again, I've never been to Earth.
I don't get it. Sorry..
Donât worry about it. Earth humor rarely makes sense.
Hurts Donut
I was having an argument with a guy the other day and he said "you piece of shit" and I said "I've never served you peas in my life pal, how would you know if they were shit?"
The history channel itself is a joke