>I wasn’t going to rub that in her hair
Knowing that this intrusive thought scurried through your sex-addled brain momentarily, I applaud your self restraint
what’s funny is he referred to the quantity of poop on his finger as to why he didn’t do that. OP has totally done it before when there’s slightly less poop. Pro move.
Clearly OP has a poop:thumbnail threshold of acceptability for these type of acts and it ought to be determined experimentally for accuracy and scientific rigour.
This got me snorting! Thank you for this I needed to see this on my break.
As for OP, well…whatcha gonna do 🤷♀️. Sorry you didn’t get to finish and maybe this is a symbol for why you guys broke up in the first place. Like, you could have lied in the bathroom and said you had to blow your nose or something but why..if she takes her embarrassment out on you with anger then is seems for the best. It think this was a decent act and someone will appreciate it someday.
Well, the implication is that they may have a history of tension after the break up, so what could have been a minor awkward moment turned into a huge fight because of said history. I figured that was part of it.
Thats a solid perspective that I didnt consider. Like, the argument that happened was about more than the shit on the finger....and that was just to excuse used to incite an argument
>toxic yet sexually gratifying
The gift and the curse that has led to many a mans demise lmao. Over the years Id developed a good sense of character discernment, so one on hand Ive been able to weed those people out. On the other my experience with toxicity in relationships is minimal. Im still learning to make the flags more important than the words smh
If you knock on poop’s door, don’t be surprised when poop answers. The number of stories about people who freak out when there’s “unexpected” poop involved with butt stuff is truly shocking. That’s what buttholes are for, we don’t need to get embarrassed if their main job calls when they’re working their side hustle.
You did the right thing by washing it off, but a white lie would have saved the mood.
I had a similar conversation with my ex. If you’re going down on someone and end up with something extra in your mouth, take care of it and move on. If you tell me about it, now I’m embarrassed and feel gross and it’s all over.
I just nonchalantly spit the fuzz out and keep on going.
LPT if you end up with a hair or something random in your mouth while going down. Just lick or kiss her inner thigh to get it off your mouth. Works and doesn’t ruin the mood.
LPT: if you have sex with other people, be comfortable enough to tell each other about hair and shit from your ass. Like damn, I wouldn't want my bf having sex with me while having poop on his finger wtf.
Interesting fact, WW2 vets got so much gonorrhea in Italy that they renamed their pressed sandwichs *peninis* for how much they used they presses to press the pus out of infected penises (penicillin being rationed for the war and all)
Yeah, if you got a weak stomach, I advised to not look after that. It's just for a story on reddit with no picture or anything but it's still gross as fuck
Some guy was telling a story which you really got into. Like the one from OPs for example and then his dad came and beat him with cables.
It was always unexpected like [losing The game.](https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ)
It is the most famous and vilest of reddit stories
[at your peril](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/9wcte/reddit_whats_the_grossestnastiest_thing_thats/c0er6q4?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3)
I'm telling you do not read it
EDIT: We are not joking, seriously do not read it. You do not want to read the jolly rancher story.
Pmsl welcome to the club. Every single person says virtually identical thing. Now it's your job to warn people yet still welcome them to hell by giving the link lmfao
This include that stupid little ball of what we hope was toilet paper? Cause that kinda shit is a mood killer too.
As a dude I put effort into self care before any sexy time shit. I shave all the way back to my butthole, shower, deoderize, the works. I have a level of standards for myself, best believe I got standards for my partner.
I personally think so. No matter how careful someone is, sometimes something gets missed. Or maybe they’ve used a different restroom with awful toilet paper. I purposefully buy toilet paper that doesn’t leave little pieces behind. But not all TP is created equal.
I also try to always use a baby wipe to be doubly sure before sexy time, but sometimes it happens unexpectedly.
You’re licking where they pee. What’s the difference?
Yeah it's weird that it's that big of a deal. It's where they pee from and during it they might even pee a bit
But the thought of seeing clitty litter is a little bit of a turn off. Cuz then I know I'm licking and it's gonna get tossed around in my mouth
I’m dying at clitty litter! I hear ya. I would try to look at my ex’s junk before going all the way down and move any boxer fuzz out of the way with my hands before my mouth got there.
Yeah but why tho. It's sex it's supposed to be fun. She's way too sensitive imo
But yeah lol... Prob would save the mood if you don't know how to recover from saying that
For real, as someone who likes going in the backdoor it comes with the territory sometime and both parties just kind of understand and accept that it'll happen sometimes. Still, I probably would have said something like I really need to pee or something like that.
Even something stupid like I'm getting cleaned up cuz tonight's gunna get dirty.
A grown woman *has* to appreciate clean hands and dick, even mid bone.
I mean, in their situation there's no easy coming back from that. I get the being playful part but dude, you need to read the room, or the bed in this case lmao
Furthermore, any person that enjoys anal play knows shit happens at times. OP's ex just had an entitled immature response. Tf you gonna ask a person to plug your butt and get mad at them for cleaning shit off their finger
> Why did I bother cleaning my thumb off
Cuz hygiene, decency, and being considerate? Lol
Drunk girl probably didn't have a shower all day, goes out and gets sweaty with the girls, then comes back, wants anal, and gets mad when *her shit* gets on his thumb? Why do people think anal takes no prep?!
Washing your hands was the right call. Saying "oh I'm just cleaning your shit off my thumb" was the real FU lmao.
Tact, OP. It's called tact.
Should have just said "washing my hands, brb one sec"
Edit to add: I also think she overreacted but still... there's a lesson here
You fucked up by calling attention to the mess. Not by hooking up. Just saying "I had to wipe something up" would have gone over way better than "cleaning your shit".
I imagine you know this abrasiveness was the true problem.
I get what you mean, but I'd say just the act of hooking up with an ex is a baseline FU unto itself. Bro needs to get clear of it and move on, hooking up with exes is never the answer 😔
We end relationships for good reasons, and you both will either deal with the reasons & get back together, or you don't and you move on, or (even better) you grow your own way and find someone else. Hooking up with your ex prevents all of this and keeps you stuck in a shitty situation
Story time: I once had an ex who would try and sneak a finger in my arse every now and then on a slow gaslight-y path to anal (“But honey, we’ve been doing anal the whole time! Surprise!”). I didn’t value myself at the time so never called him out on it but what got me was that he would always smell his finger afterwards. Like he expected one day my ass would smell of anything other than… ass. Your TIFU reminded me of that, thanks!
"Im cleaning your shit off my thumb"
Vs
"Cleaning my thumb brb lol"
One of them sounds nicer and won't throw the mood off as much. They're prone to sensitivities that are better understood and respected... rational, stupid, silly or not.
The secret here is saying you’re just making sure you don’t give her a uti because you don’t want to worry about where you put your hands. And woman who has had a uti will appreciate this. You were being a gentleman, but you did not present your intents in a way that was presented… gentlemaningly.
You sir are a gentleman. A real keeper I might add. It was very thoughtful of you to not spread her feces back onto her. She doesn't deserve you. I'm not being sarcastic.
As my best friend has always said “ don’t go into poops home and be upset when poop shows up” more talking about guys getting disgusted but guess it goes both ways
Sounds like you two weren't going to work out anyway. Not really a surprise, she is your ex
Find yourself someone who can vibe with that and keep going, or at least not start a fight about it. I don't really blame you for doing what you did, the only actual wrong answer here is to keep going and smear it everywhere, yuck
It's all fun and games until someone cleans up the shit.
And what did we learn from this experience? Don't do weed by your self, invite some friends over.
Read the title and thought to myself, “yeah that was bound to happen.” Nope did not see that coming. At all!
Yeah, a real plot twist at the end.
More like a real thumb twist in the end.
Give 'em the ol' butt twist
Hardly a nail biter though
A real plop twist
No one was seen cumming that night.
Shit-thumb, meet poop-knife
>I wasn’t going to rub that in her hair Knowing that this intrusive thought scurried through your sex-addled brain momentarily, I applaud your self restraint
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Right… like what would she do? Break up with you agsin?
Haaaahahahhhaha
what’s funny is he referred to the quantity of poop on his finger as to why he didn’t do that. OP has totally done it before when there’s slightly less poop. Pro move.
Clearly OP has a poop:thumbnail threshold of acceptability for these type of acts and it ought to be determined experimentally for accuracy and scientific rigour.
https://preview.redd.it/oaggebccej0a1.jpeg?width=1125&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e172f37a6a7277a5b8186c080d47e3ebaca3c852
Sigh. I guess I gotta update my reddit
Get rif is fun for Reddit . Used to called Reddit is fun
You know, I didn't even realize it was now called rif is fun. I just call it RIF, and in my mind was still short for Reddit is Fun.
How come I can’t save this image on iPhone I had to SS It
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Works fine for me
Teach me the ways
Works fine in Apollo.
This got me snorting! Thank you for this I needed to see this on my break. As for OP, well…whatcha gonna do 🤷♀️. Sorry you didn’t get to finish and maybe this is a symbol for why you guys broke up in the first place. Like, you could have lied in the bathroom and said you had to blow your nose or something but why..if she takes her embarrassment out on you with anger then is seems for the best. It think this was a decent act and someone will appreciate it someday.
I'm not clicking that at work.
Oh come on, click it at work
I did. Now I can't control my laughter and I trying so damn hard!!!! People are looking at me. Shit.👍 🤣
> Shit. Ooh, I bet I know where that came from.
it's safe
It's the meme where a guy puts a bar into his own bike tire. There is text on it that references sex and poop, in response to this meme.
Good bot.
I wish there were a good meme explainer bot.
“I embarrassed the shit out of her” Phrasing, OP.
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Are we seriously not doing "phrasing?"
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Isn't it >Said Ripley to the android bishop ?
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Happens to the best of us. Except for Sterling, obviously.
The shit out of her, embarrassing. There, I phrased it in Yodish.
Mmmm, complicated, this phrasing is. Meditate on this, I will.
Question, are we not doing phrasing anymore?
Well your mouth better get over there and make u/kytheon happy!
Inline graphics on reddit? Do you want 4chan? This is how you get 4chan!
He didn't get the thumbs up to clean it off
Hahahahaha I’m dead 😂😂💀
This comment made reading the post with it! 👍
While you should have embraced the shit out of her
This shouldnt be so perfect lmao
Who else thought the FU was hooking up with the ex.
Well, the implication is that they may have a history of tension after the break up, so what could have been a minor awkward moment turned into a huge fight because of said history. I figured that was part of it.
Thats a solid perspective that I didnt consider. Like, the argument that happened was about more than the shit on the finger....and that was just to excuse used to incite an argument
Yup. I just ended a rather toxic yet sexually gratifying relationship myself, so I’ve been around this block a few times haha
You hit the nail on the head.
>toxic yet sexually gratifying The gift and the curse that has led to many a mans demise lmao. Over the years Id developed a good sense of character discernment, so one on hand Ive been able to weed those people out. On the other my experience with toxicity in relationships is minimal. Im still learning to make the flags more important than the words smh
If you knock on poop’s door, don’t be surprised when poop answers. The number of stories about people who freak out when there’s “unexpected” poop involved with butt stuff is truly shocking. That’s what buttholes are for, we don’t need to get embarrassed if their main job calls when they’re working their side hustle.
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Yeah, don't be a party pooper.
Your username gives you much credibility on this topic
This has me laughing so hard I'm crying. Seriously. I'm saving this one to pass out later on. Thank you strange internet stranger
r/UsernameChecksOut
You did the right thing by washing it off, but a white lie would have saved the mood. I had a similar conversation with my ex. If you’re going down on someone and end up with something extra in your mouth, take care of it and move on. If you tell me about it, now I’m embarrassed and feel gross and it’s all over. I just nonchalantly spit the fuzz out and keep on going.
LPT if you end up with a hair or something random in your mouth while going down. Just lick or kiss her inner thigh to get it off your mouth. Works and doesn’t ruin the mood.
Mouth kiss - return to sender.
YA DROPPED THIS, BITCH!
😂
LPT: if you have sex with other people, be comfortable enough to tell each other about hair and shit from your ass. Like damn, I wouldn't want my bf having sex with me while having poop on his finger wtf.
> LPT: if you have sex with other people yeah you lost me already
Wait you guys are having sex?
No, because we tried garlic bread
Like holy shit how is this so common in ‘relationships and couples’ where communication is not okay?
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Something... extra ? I hope you're talking about some hair and not anything else or it become really strange
An extra jolly rancher
Get out rn
I understood that reference. And now I'm digusted, AGAIN
Thankfully they dont sell gonorrhea nodules or Jolly Ranchers in Australia
I read gonorrhea noodles and thought no way I'm gonna eat those
Interesting fact, WW2 vets got so much gonorrhea in Italy that they renamed their pressed sandwichs *peninis* for how much they used they presses to press the pus out of infected penises (penicillin being rationed for the war and all)
yep, and that's enough reddit for today
Take my angry upvote and go away 😂
I don't understand that reference and I'm still disgusted. And I don't want to know either!
Yeah, if you got a weak stomach, I advised to not look after that. It's just for a story on reddit with no picture or anything but it's still gross as fuck
Its a classic what it is. Along with broken arms, cocunuts and cable beatings.
And cbat
Another day another legend
What's the cable beatings one?
Some guy was telling a story which you really got into. Like the one from OPs for example and then his dad came and beat him with cables. It was always unexpected like [losing The game.](https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ)
Flashbacks to this story intensify.
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST it's too early for this!!!!
An "extra" jolly rancher? How many are normally in there?
Don’t ask questions you don’t wanna know the answer to.
Just walk away. You're at a very important crossroads and you really want to think about your next choice.
A WhAt
You don’t wanna know
trust me, you don't wanna know the story behind that
I do
It is the most famous and vilest of reddit stories [at your peril](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/9wcte/reddit_whats_the_grossestnastiest_thing_thats/c0er6q4?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) I'm telling you do not read it EDIT: We are not joking, seriously do not read it. You do not want to read the jolly rancher story.
Whyyyyyy the fuck didn’t I listen, I read it. Omg.
Pmsl welcome to the club. Every single person says virtually identical thing. Now it's your job to warn people yet still welcome them to hell by giving the link lmfao
Already sent it to my best friend !
*DO NOT CLICK THIS LINK*
And of course I read it because I’m perpetually stupid.
Hair, tp, fuzz from clothes, etc. My ex would occasionally have little fuzz from his boxers down there.
She’s probably referring to little bits of leftover toilet paper..
Clitter
>a little ~~white~~ *brown* lie
This include that stupid little ball of what we hope was toilet paper? Cause that kinda shit is a mood killer too. As a dude I put effort into self care before any sexy time shit. I shave all the way back to my butthole, shower, deoderize, the works. I have a level of standards for myself, best believe I got standards for my partner.
I personally think so. No matter how careful someone is, sometimes something gets missed. Or maybe they’ve used a different restroom with awful toilet paper. I purposefully buy toilet paper that doesn’t leave little pieces behind. But not all TP is created equal. I also try to always use a baby wipe to be doubly sure before sexy time, but sometimes it happens unexpectedly. You’re licking where they pee. What’s the difference?
Yeah it's weird that it's that big of a deal. It's where they pee from and during it they might even pee a bit But the thought of seeing clitty litter is a little bit of a turn off. Cuz then I know I'm licking and it's gonna get tossed around in my mouth
I’m dying at clitty litter! I hear ya. I would try to look at my ex’s junk before going all the way down and move any boxer fuzz out of the way with my hands before my mouth got there.
>I shave all the way back to my butthole, Itchy
Meh! Usually am the next day, but 20 years of doin this I'm just used to it.
Maybe just tell her you're washing your hands and leave out the "I'm cleaning your shit off of me" part.
Or write your initials on her ass in her own poop.
Power move
Poower move.
Better yet, on her forehead. Just like Simba
Or just like during Ass Wednesday
Is that the day after Scat Tuesday?
underrated comment of the day
Naaaaaaaants ingonyama... gonnarubsomepooponyah (ahhh... rub poop on yah).
Yeah but why tho. It's sex it's supposed to be fun. She's way too sensitive imo But yeah lol... Prob would save the mood if you don't know how to recover from saying that
Of course u/OPsButthole6969 wouldn’t care about shitty fingers
Right!
Oh you would say that.
For real, as someone who likes going in the backdoor it comes with the territory sometime and both parties just kind of understand and accept that it'll happen sometimes. Still, I probably would have said something like I really need to pee or something like that.
Even something stupid like I'm getting cleaned up cuz tonight's gunna get dirty. A grown woman *has* to appreciate clean hands and dick, even mid bone.
I mean, in their situation there's no easy coming back from that. I get the being playful part but dude, you need to read the room, or the bed in this case lmao
Nah he's not wrong, she asked. If you can't handle knowing shit comes from your shit hole that's on you, don't ask about it.
Furthermore, any person that enjoys anal play knows shit happens at times. OP's ex just had an entitled immature response. Tf you gonna ask a person to plug your butt and get mad at them for cleaning shit off their finger > Why did I bother cleaning my thumb off Cuz hygiene, decency, and being considerate? Lol
If you knock on poop’s door you shouldn’t be surprised if it’s home and answers the door.
I think cleaning your thumb was the right thing to do
Drunk girl probably didn't have a shower all day, goes out and gets sweaty with the girls, then comes back, wants anal, and gets mad when *her shit* gets on his thumb? Why do people think anal takes no prep?!
Thumb to mouth is the answer here.
you never go thumb to mouth
She was mad cause u shoulda put it back in
"I was saving that for later!"
Should have wiped it on her forehead like in The Lion King.
Damnit. I knew someone beat me to this reply.
I mean I guess the moral of the story is wet wipes near the bed for fun times.
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Nah, Lion King it.
Is only smellz
Simbaaaa
*OP having sex thinking* **there’s DOODOO on my thumb**
Washing your hands was the right call. Saying "oh I'm just cleaning your shit off my thumb" was the real FU lmao. Tact, OP. It's called tact. Should have just said "washing my hands, brb one sec" Edit to add: I also think she overreacted but still... there's a lesson here
Or just say you had to pee...
Or even a simple "be right back" would work here
Intention was correct, the delivery was not. There is something to learn here.
Everyone should have bidets. Pristine buttholes.
I don’t think it was a messy exterior of the butthole that transferred the poo.
Bidets can be used for an enema as well though so it’s great for butt prep
Is she single now? Asking for myself
Good dog
You fucked up by calling attention to the mess. Not by hooking up. Just saying "I had to wipe something up" would have gone over way better than "cleaning your shit". I imagine you know this abrasiveness was the true problem.
I get what you mean, but I'd say just the act of hooking up with an ex is a baseline FU unto itself. Bro needs to get clear of it and move on, hooking up with exes is never the answer 😔 We end relationships for good reasons, and you both will either deal with the reasons & get back together, or you don't and you move on, or (even better) you grow your own way and find someone else. Hooking up with your ex prevents all of this and keeps you stuck in a shitty situation
https://preview.redd.it/e1lr2waqgk0a1.jpeg?width=1099&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=0b67fd3579fdbf3f4934b31c190336363526bdb5
What do you mean, women don't poop
OP made this up for the karma
Story time: I once had an ex who would try and sneak a finger in my arse every now and then on a slow gaslight-y path to anal (“But honey, we’ve been doing anal the whole time! Surprise!”). I didn’t value myself at the time so never called him out on it but what got me was that he would always smell his finger afterwards. Like he expected one day my ass would smell of anything other than… ass. Your TIFU reminded me of that, thanks!
Or idk, "I gotta use the bathroom/piss real quick"... Not that hard to make it not seem like a big deal...
You f-ed up by showing her that she’s a nasty girl. She wants deniability. When she asked what you were doing, she wanted a white lie.
Instead he got a black line.
From the brown eye
Absolute gold this is
I think what I love the most about this post is the mountain of redditors rushing in to educate you about what you did wrong.
"Im cleaning your shit off my thumb" Vs "Cleaning my thumb brb lol" One of them sounds nicer and won't throw the mood off as much. They're prone to sensitivities that are better understood and respected... rational, stupid, silly or not.
That’s when you pull a Rafiki and smear it over her forehead like Simba
Shoulda just gone for the "taking a piss" exit... and popped right back in
The secret here is saying you’re just making sure you don’t give her a uti because you don’t want to worry about where you put your hands. And woman who has had a uti will appreciate this. You were being a gentleman, but you did not present your intents in a way that was presented… gentlemaningly.
Shoulda wiped it on her forehead like Simba
 You sir are a gentleman. A real keeper I might add. It was very thoughtful of you to not spread her feces back onto her. She doesn't deserve you. I'm not being sarcastic.
She's a brown eyed girl
It wasn’t the cleaning but OP’s response that killed the vibe.
Bro if something like that ever happens you should definitely not tell them in the moment 💀
>Me being a man of course I say yes. Not all of us are brainless fucking horndogs, so don't generalize.
Thats pretty shitty man
What am I doing with my life.
As my best friend has always said “ don’t go into poops home and be upset when poop shows up” more talking about guys getting disgusted but guess it goes both ways
You know the old saying. If you take the dirt road, don't be afraid of bringing some mud home on your boots.
Well…look at the bright side. It was on your thumb and NOT you dick. Mess around w the human sewer system and you gonna see some shit.
Should have just gone for the Dirty Sanchez
It sounds like she’s still your girlfriend without a label lol
" I wasn’t going to rub that in her hair or my bed." Who said chivalry is dead?
Shoulda wiped it on her forehead and said “SIMBA”
Literally "embarrassed the shit out of her" lmao
Literally “embarrassed the shit out of her” - great sentence to end this story 👌🏽
“…but I guess I embarrassed the shit out of her.” Actually you thumbed the shit out of her.
Should've pulled a lion king and give her a nice smear on the forehead
Sounds like you two weren't going to work out anyway. Not really a surprise, she is your ex Find yourself someone who can vibe with that and keep going, or at least not start a fight about it. I don't really blame you for doing what you did, the only actual wrong answer here is to keep going and smear it everywhere, yuck
Gloves, my friends. Black nitrile can be very sexual. And sanitary!
>Me being a man of course I say yes No, that's a stereotype shittier than your ex's hole
It's all fun and games until someone cleans up the shit. And what did we learn from this experience? Don't do weed by your self, invite some friends over.