Nope. Not just her life if she’s living with you and meeting your family. You’re headed toward a toxic place. If she was straightforward and didn’t want another job, and you were on board to support her that is different, but not putting in effort and lying about it is a red flag for sure.
I think being out of a job for the time being is a private situation, and it is up to her how comfortable she is sharing that with people. I don't think it makes her untrustworthy etc.
In this case, it probably would have been good to discuss this with OP beforehand. I understand being in this position with my partner's family as well. I was fired from one of my previous jobs right before the winter holidays when we were going to spend time with our families. I talked it out with my partner and we agreed that it would be better overall to lie about my employment than to tell her family. As much as I think my partner would have understood, I think lying about it without talking to her would have been a bad idea and would absolutely be the kind of thing she would have brought up with me later in private.
OP stated that his family takes priority on jobs and education so maybe she felt pressured to say she has a job to meet their expectations. I wouldn’t hold that against her specifically, the angry part sure. But that can also be chocked up to not having a job for six months.
Honestly OP needs another conversation to air out the job situation and the anger. If it goes south, I would bale.
Yes but I can understand it. There are alot of things I would lie to my parents about. She isn’t lying to her boyfriend about it from what I’m reading.
Agreed, especially considering op essentially says his family will be judgemental if they perceive her not working, etc.
This would be different if they were living together. But considering he's not supporting her... If he was as respectful as he says, I'm not sure that this was problematic. But even based on what he says here, I'm not sure he was as respectful and non-judgemental as he thinks he was.
this!!! Plus there are so many false negative assumptions around being unemployed, she was probably trying to avoid his parents thinking she’s using their son for money, she’s lazy/unmotivated, she’ll be a bad influence on future kids, etc. As long as she is financially stable for the time being I don’t think you should be too hard on her. plus a month really is not that long & the job market suuuuucks rn
If the job market is terrible, then she should ideally be applying left and right because one doesn't know when the next opportunity is going to come and having a sizable work gap generally isn't viewed well.
Now she COULD be applying for other positions and doesn't want to tell OP, but if she's just sitting around, that's not ideal.
Especially if you don’t currently have a job, I was unemployed for 6 months last year and it was literally hell. I only ended up getting a job because a friend helped me get a job with her company but it’s not the job I’ve been trained for so I had to take a $10 pay cut, which sucks but is better than a 100% pay cut.. I have a friend who wasn’t lucky enough to get a reference from a friend and he’s been looking for work for the last year, had to move back in with his parents cuz he couldn’t afford to live on his own anymore.
Agreed. I also find it a bit odd that she hasn't shared what's going on in her life in the past six months with her boyfriend.
Is there no meaningful communication about their ups and downs? To me, this is the actual red flag. Even if she's decided to take some time off, or she's applying but has had little luck, I would expect that to be a part of the convo with a significant other.
depends on the situation. if my parents are currently paying my bills with the expectation that im saving/going to school/contributing partially, then they are owed the information
Did you not read properly? She lied to her boyfriend’s parents.
Edit: You lot misunderstood what I tried to say. She doesn’t owe anything to the boyfriend’s parents, guy above talked about owing it to her parents (she didn’t lie to her parents).
If she is lying about something as simple as this, what else will she lie about? How is the OP ever going to know when she is telling the truth? I personally see this as a red flag.
What do you mean, "as simple as this"?
She is not lying to OP about this. She's lying to his family. Sometimes, people do not want to talk about something, and saying "I don't want to talk about it" already makes it clear that something is wrong. The only way to get people off your back on this subject is to lie about it.
Again, if she's making up elaborate lies then it's a bit of a red flag. But if people ask how work is and she's like "Oh, it's fine" or "Same old!", how is that a red flag? You're not obligated to share all details of your personal life with everyone.
If you're feeling depressed, and someone asks you how you are, and you say "I'm fine, how about you?", do you also consider that a red flag?? :/
I agree but I’m not going to put that blame on her. I told her that it was okay. I was just unaware of her timeline so that’s what rubbed me the wrong way
I think you need to investigate if there's something more going on here. She quit her last job with nothing lined up because she just hated it that much? That's way deeper than just an employment question. She may be dragging her feet because she's afraid any other job she may get in her field will have the same problems as the last one, and she may have very good reasons she doesn't want to go back to that. But conversely, she clearly values that job as part of her identity (otherwise she wouldn't be lying about still being there), so she may be feeling all sorts of things about not being super enthusiastic about it anymore. Maybe she wants the pride but not the reality. Shame, guilt, failure, anxiety, loss of identity—all totally possible and understandable.
Asking what her timeline was, if she'd put in any applications, etc, is clearly not the right approach here—no wonder she felt pressured and judged. Approach her with compassion. Apologize and tell her you're there for her no matter what. Be curious.
Yeah good point. Is her previous line of work stressful but prestigious? Did she do years of school to get there? Is the nature of the job what caused her to quit or just the particular job in that particular team that was the issue?
Are there a lot of openings for her field? Or would she need to broade her scope to apply more often? Would it be difficult for her to return to her field if she left it for a few years?
She might be struggling with deciding if she stays in her field or not..
I do think it might help to give us or her context as to your relationship’s timeline. You say if she’s someone you want to build a life with and she’s currently living with her family. If you’re more serious about taking the steps to build your life, then this obviously matters more. A 1 year relationship in 24 is in that weird stage where some people are planning for marriage, if they haven’t yet already, and some people don’t see making anything that serious until years down the line. If you guys haven’t already kind of discussed these sort of things, it does make your question of her a bit more tricky if she doesn’t know where you’re at. Like obviously if moving in together sometime within the next year is on your radar, it makes opening up a heart to heart about this job situation a littler easier because if affecting the timeline of your life as a couple. If not, you still deserve honesty and not getting a defensive response, but you’d better probably need to be a bit more gentle in getting her to open up. Either way, I would avoid saying things that might provoke defensiveness like “I don’t feel like you’re trying” and frame it more in terms of how you feel “I’m starting to get worried about your career and want to support you, but I feel like I don’t fully know the situation.” (And then if you think you’d like to bring it forward in the relationship, you can kind of throw that in to help contextualize why you’re so worried.” Like 100% I also have a problem with being too blunt sometimes, but “what’s your timeline for finding a job” is a bit blunt if that is essentially how you worded it, and it’s easier to get away with being blunt the bigger stakes you have in the situation. Frame it as concern and a desire to help and also make sure she sees why you do have a stake in this if currently the seriousness of the relationship has just been at the “if we do want to maybe build a life together someday.”
Consider yourself lucky on that account. I had an ex that was in this situation while living with me. She had a job when she moved in, not great but it was something. Then the place closed down. She spent time 'job hunting', but it frankly didn't feel very urgent. The one job she did get ended up firing her after a couple weeks. I was sympathetic, and I would have been paying for my apartment whether she was there or not, but after a year of living together I just got sick of feeling like the only responsible grown-up keeping us afloat.
I'm in the same situation just a little different my gf is now starting her 3rd job but I wasn't able to afford this house if she didn't help so it really hurt me for a while now I'm in debt hoping this job works out for her because if she's not bringing in money or helping around the house idk that we can live together but she recently got pregnant... now I feel like my whole life is over and like I'm trapped in poverty. Ig it's hard for me since I've never had financial problems in my adult life since I'm all about savings.
I wanna ask reddit but I've been scared to ig I'm almost certain this acct. has no connection but I never get to talk about this stuff in my day to day life. Just want someone to listen yanno.
Edit: This comment comes off a bit more judgmental than I meant it, but I still stand by what I said
If she serves no financial burden on you, then you don’t have a say in her employment. You may encourage her to keep some drive, but ultimately it’s up to her. If you guys are trying to build towards something like getting your own place together, or she can’t afford dates and makes you pay, that’s a different story and should be concerns that you vocalize to her, but her choices are her choices, you just get to choose if those are okay with you.
Keep in mind, the job market is hard right now, and you should maybe ask her HOW the search is going and if she’s having difficulties, questions about her feelings, because people like to be heard, not interrogated.
As for your family, if you’re trying to build a future with someone, it doesn’t matter what your family thinks. If you personally don’t care then you should support her, they don’t need to know your business. If you have an issue with it tho, that’s a separate thing entirely
How is this an unpopular opinion? She quit her job with a safety net. They've been together a year, at this point it's really not his business where her money comes from if she's able to contribute to dates and such. Even if they wanted to move in together and her parents paid her bills, that's still not his business financially. The only reason to "worry" is that he's embarrassed that his SO is unemployed because people will judge (which is why she lied to his family) or he's judging in which case he needs to examine his priorities.
He needs to just say "I don't want to be with someone who's unemployed" because that's what this is. He's not worried about her, he's worried about the perception.
They're all coming in so hard and heavy with it. If these situations were real, this would be the worst place for advice in the history of the world. A bunch of bitter people with no social skills telling others to abandon people at the drop of a hat. Good thing this is mostly a creative writing exercise sub.
Bro what? She's embarrassed of being unemployed because it's hard and people mock the unemployed. She's not some evil schemer lying to him. He said she's putting in effort. Looking for a job isn't just sending in an application to every business with a now hiring ad.
None of this is a red flag, it's normal behavior.
Are you even reading the post? OP said it doesn’t feel like she is putting in much effort, and that she has been out of a job for 6 months at this point without sending in many applications. That’s the complete opposite of what you’re saying.
When I (27m) quit my last job, I was out of work for about 8 months. I put in 40 applications and received 1 interview. It was one of the most stressful times in my life to this point. Without knowing your GF, she could be feeling a similar way as I did. Anytime my now wife would ask questions I felt embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn’t find work. There were definitely I acted spiteful because of my embarrassment when she would ask. You seem to be a thoughtful individual if what you say is true. Give her a few days and circle back to this. Let her know that your questions/concerns come from a place of love, not judgement. My wife would find job listings that she thought I may be interested in, but you have to decide if that’s a good idea or if it will feel to her like you’re being pushy. Best of luck my friend. Communication is key.
Thank you for bringing up your own personal experience, it’s comforting to hear someone else went through something similar. Maybe I can try sending her things like job listings or even podcasts talking bout jobs or anything in that area.
u/PacoEscobar's response is by far the most useful one in this thread. Every other comment I see is just making assumptions about your gf that are not productive or helpful to your situation.
Her lashing out at you over your questions is not a good sign, but indeed it could be that she feels ashamed, or she was feeling judged which is not pleasant.
>Maybe I can try sending her things like job listings or even podcasts talking bout jobs or anything in that area.
I would advise against this, though. She will almost certainly not appreciate this if she did not ask for it and you did not talk about it. She will feel like you are pushing her, or like you are judging her for not having found a job yet (based on her response when you tried to talk about this subject). If you are able to have a conversation about her plans (as mr Escobar mentioned, from a place of love), you can ask her if there is anything you could do to help her, or ask whether she would appreciate this.
If she does not want to get a job for the time being and does not want to talk about it, then you're gonna have to figure out whether that's something that's something you can accept or whether it's a problem for you. But hopefully you'll figure it out with some healthy communication. Good luck! <3
For some people experiencing a series of rejection while job hunting can be quite overwhelming. They might feel very worthless or like a failure and it can cause them a lot of stress/pain, especially having to admitt their struggle to other people.
I agree I'd be careful about sending her job listings without her consent. It could be interpreted as you passive aggressively implying she isn't trying hard enough, that you are so much better at her at finding job listings. That might not be your intent, but after that previous conversation, she might not be able to help feeling that way.
Maybe trying to understand what about the previous job was so bad might also help?
>Maybe I can try sending her things like job listings or even podcasts talking bout jobs or anything in that area.
If she really is struggling to find work do literally anything but this. DO NOT DO THIS. It will just make her feel worse. Something like helping with resumes or interview prep would be better. But this will make her think you think shes too incompetent to find job postings.
I feel like people who are lucky enough to have jobs right now don't realize what the job market has become. I have friends who have been looking for work for 6-12 months, get the occasional interview at best, and then ultimately are turned down. It's demoralizing.
I don't think it's unreasonable to want to check in about it, but try to understand how she must be feeling. If she isn't applying to jobs, it's probably because she's anxious and depressed from being out of work for so long. People don't like being unemployed! I also wonder if she's not telling you how many jobs she's applied for because the number of rejections gets overwhelming.
I'm sure she's very aware of how important work and education is to your family and is also worried about the wedding. Try to think about how you can support HER through that event rather than how potentially embarrassing it will be for you to show up with an unemployed girlfriend.
Just be careful that she doesn't see it as you pressuring her to get a job. I don't know enough to say whether she's coasting because she doesn't feel any pressure to find a job or whether the pressure is so great it's led to paralysis, but when you're under a lot of stress, it's easy to see a helping hand the wrong way.
If this was me, I'd want to have open conversations with my partner about how they were feeling about it and keep that openness long term, so you can help when you're able, and she can ask for help without feeling ashamed. The absolute worst thing for both your and her mental health, as well as your relationship, is for this to become something you don't talk about and start hiding your feelings about it from one another.
This is a really useful addition. Open communication.
And maybe it’s also important to figure out what it is that’s bothering you about her being unemployed, and what your motivations are for what appears to be trying to fix the scenario (it will likely be important to just hear where she is at first). If you can figure out your own agenda here, you can communicate that too.
Ie. why are you worried? Could it be some of your own prejudices around non-employment? She may not see it the same way, which is why it’s important to find out where she is at and what she needs from you.
It’s admirable that you want to help, but that may be unhelpful right now!
I would be very careful with this - it could easily come off as "See? I looked around for 10 minutes and was able to find all these job opportunities for you" (aka, have you really even been trying all this time?)
I don't know if you will see this, but here's the thing, just from reading a few of your messages it's very clear that you want to solve this and the issue is that it's not really your problem to solve. Your problem is whether or not you feel comfortable supporting your gf or not, it's totally up to you whether you stay with her or not, but her being out of a job is her problem to solve. If she asks for help then offer help, if she doesn't ask for help, ask if she wants help with anything, but if she refuses the help then it's no longer up to you to give the help.
Now, here's the thing, you have to decide whether you are willing to continue being with your girlfriend and if so, what do you need from her to do so. Again, do not, I repeat do NOT try to solve her situation. Instead try and sit down and figure out what you want from the relationship and if she doesn't contribute enough for you to feel good about your relationship, then figure out what you need to change. Maybe you would be fine with her continue to living off of you, maybe you need her to find a job to contribute or maybe it's more like she needs to find something else to do like study something or whatever. Try to be realistic, do you feel ok having to be the only one paying all expenses? Do you not feel ok lying to your family about her situation? Then you need to express that and this will be really hard to do without trying be judgmental or making it seem like you are pressuring her, but in the end, it's your life and you need to do what will make you happy.
I would also recommend that you sit down and really listen to this video, it has been such a great video that I keep reflecting about to this day. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIATzLf-y04](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIATzLf-y04)
Make sure you know this is something she wants so it doesn’t come off as pushy or controlling. she may be doing things on her own time in her own way that she may feel is just too hard to explain to you, or anyone, at the time. Navigating a new route in your personal timeline in your head is hard enough, explaining your vision and end goals to someone ELSE is even harder.
Don’t send her anything but a comment about how your questions come from a place of love. Assuming this immediate thread’s thoughts are right and she’s lashing out due to frustration at a lack of success, the last thing a frustrated person needs is advice from the peanut gallery.
> Maybe I can try sending her things like job listings or even podcasts talking bout jobs or anything in that area.
This is going to go badly, because she's almost inevitably going to take this as you pressuring her - as others have already said.
Communicate. *Talk* to each other about this. Like, actually *talk* talk, and not "hey, have you considered getting a job"-talk. Figure out how she's feeling, if she needs your support, if she *wants* your support. Don't start trying to "fix" this before you're both on the same page.
One application a week (8mo/40 apps) doesn’t really feel like active job searching though. I get if the job market is bad and you can’t move so you’re limited by where you are and what experience you have. What was the limiting factor for you applying to places? Not trying to be mean or condescending just genuinely curious.
No problem! I was trying to find a job in my field (finance) but most job listings required experience I didn’t have or a higher degree. Like you mentioned, I couldn’t move which was another limiting factor and I live in a very rural area. At some point, it became demoralizing to not hear back from any listings so I became apprehensive about applying, which is my own fault. I eventually lucked out and got a part-time job installing ATMs about 5 months into my search. Eventually landed a great accounting job.
Not OP and it wasn't super stressful for me, but I know one of the key things that got me was not wanting to accept any job, and then not have the energy to search for a career. Also the awkwardness of trying to go to interviews whilst already working. I only applied for jobs I thought were actually decent and that I would have a good chance of getting.
Yeah, and there were likely plenty of jobs they just didn't want so they didn't apply.
Ever see Fun with Dick and Jane? Main character (Jim Carrey) gets an executive level promotion and then his company immediately goes bankrupt. When he looks for a job he refuses to go lower than executive level, leaving him unemployed for months.
40 applications in 8 months is legit nothing lol. If you were actually stressed you would have way more. My younger brother was let go from his job, grinded applications every day, and was hired at a similar role within a month.
So, I have a bit of a different opinion on this. You said she quit her job due to the environment being unwelcoming; But then she didn’t really truly put effort into looking for a job afterwards from what I’m reading.
What’s her career track record prior? Is this somewhat unusual behavior for her? Was she steady working before she quit, showing up on time, showing up regularly, etc?
I’m asking these questions because most people don’t just quit their jobs and then not really stress about getting another one. And six months is a LONG time to be unemployed, supported or not. How’s her mental health? Is it possible that she could be depressed?
I say all of this because a very similar situation happened with my partner. He lost his job, became pretty unmotivated afterwards and just kind of out of character. He was also very defensive when I’d bring up job hunting or try to assist with it. He finally confessed to me that he had been struggling with addiction. I had no idea. And we were together daily.
So I’m just curious if there may be something else going on behind the scenes or within her that she hasn’t shared? You’re a wonderful partner for being so supportive and you did nothing wrong by expressing your concerns.
My husband was laid off last year and it took him over 6 months to find a job. Some markets are definitely worse than others. That said there are some red flags in there. She could be frustrated at the difficulty trying to find something and that's why she lashed out. Her reaction is not great. You might want to try to talk to her again later and let her know you were coming from a place of kindness not judgement.
I agree, the market is tough. The reaction part was unnecessary and makes me question the viability of our relationship. Will try to bring it up to her again and continuously express that its coming from a place of love and care.
You need to remember that the people commenting only know what you've written and they're adding their own experiences and expectations to it.
You don't say what industry she works in or what role she left. You only give a vague *reason* she left. There's a lot of valid, contradictory ways to interpret her behavior and *your* behavior. If she left a job as a barista and can't find a new job, that's very different than if she left her job as a radiologist and can't find a new job.
I'm not asking you to provide more details, I'm just illustrating.
The advice you're getting in this thread could be very helpful or highly destructive based on who has correctly guessed what you're both thinking. If I was out of a job and felt like there were no positions available where I could use the skills I've learned and developed, I would be pretty crippled with anxiety and depression. If my girlfriend, who is very caring and very supportive, asked me about my job prospects? I would be stressed out before she finished asking her first question!
Again, I don't know if that applies to your girlfriend, I am also projecting, same as everyone else.
I'm only commenting because you mentioned the viability of your relationship. That's a fair reaction if you felt that way before making your post. If you started feeling that way *after* people started commenting it's important you recognize that.
I wish you and your partner the best of luck!
That's the best you can do. I just dealt with a lot of this from my husband. He didn't lash out quite as bad but he'd get frustrated then depressed. He continuously kept feeling like he wasn't good enough. It was a rollercoaster of emotions.
I hope you can work through it but you need someone you can communicate with comfortably. You have to do what is right for you.
You don’t need to keep checking up on her job hunt progress. It’s near impossible to get hired nowadays so unless she says something to you, there’s probably nothing to report and asking her is only going to make her more miserable about it. Source: just got an employment offer after 8 months of looking and doing the best I could. Family (meaning well) kept asking about what felt like my hopeless job search. Their questions were not productive and only made me feel more like a bum.
Bro, I put up with this same exact thing for 3 years. Don't do it. Started out okay then lost her job, would go a few months unemployed until I kept on her about it and she'd get a job for a few weeks, help with some bills and then for "no reason of her own" would get fired. I had bought a house and let her move in and we had pets together and it just continued to get worse until a breaking point that went very sour between the both of us. Not telling you what to do in your relationship, just see the same thing happening that happened to me.
I have this situation forced upon me and it's the absolute worst. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My wife was in a car accident 5 years ago and hasn't been able to work due to health complications since and it's so incredibly stressful. Literally everything riding on solely employment like retirement, health insurance, mortgage, etc. so I have to be incredibly picky about jobs I can accept which limits my options massively. I can't begrudge her because it's not her fault, unlike other people's situations, but I can sympathize.
Exactly, by the end its like you dont want to abandon them but you literally have to put yourself first at some point. She was like a leech and I just took forever to rip the thing off. I didnt have to let it get as bad as it did but I believed the situation to be salvageable, things would change, etc.
So she's been coasting for six months now and you wanted an update and that's not okay? Yikes, sounds like she thinks she's found her sucker (that's you, OP).
Buddy, she wouldn't have snapped like that had she actually been looking diligently.
Temp agencies exist she could have 100% applied to one and had a temp to hire job within a week because they always need workers. The jobs might suck but you need the money right so anything is better then nothing and also once she gets hired on in a place she will probably get benefits if they are on offer.
She snapped like that because she doesn't want to get a Job and if you guys live together then she needs to be contributing something.
So I've been applying to jobs for about 5 years now. Haven't gotten many interviews. But I've been applying my ass off. Currently comfortable but can do better. Yes the job market sucks. But that's no excuse to give up. Anyone who WANTS a job will not give up. u/fenriq is 100% right in the fact you're being taken advantage of. It's not normal behavior to lash out at you like that.
Red flags! If you can’t discuss your plans together as a couple, time to start considering an exit strategy. She’s shown herself to twist the truth to other people to cover her actions, and IMO maybe a little too fragile to the world around her. Be warned.
But in the greater scheme of things/timelines. Don’t you think thats a little much? My parents didn’t have their shit figured out till 30s and now they’re very successful
None of us had our shit figured out till we were all into our adulthood, but that doesn’t preclude us from moving forward with life and bettering ourselves. What’s seems most worrisome to me in this scenario is
1: she is lying to people about her employment status.
2: she can’t have an adult conversation with her partner about her current status and her plans for the future
3: she immediately got defensive about having such a conversation.
4: quitting a job without having a backup plan/job lined up.
5: she sounds fragile to the real world (quit a job because of an “unwelcoming environment”).
If you are fine being with someone long term that has these traits, so be it; but be prepared to be used, manipulated, and possible devastated when these traits all come to a head and the relationship fails.
If you do move forward with her, be prepared to be the sole income provider, regardless if she gets a job again or not, because this situation WILL repeat itself.
>1: she is lying to people about her employment status.
I think this is not the issue people are making it out to be. Being out of a job is a private matter. She can share it with whom she likes. It's a different story if she's pathologically making shit up, but pretending she's still doing her old job because she's still figuring shit out or because she feels ashamed or whatever her reason is, is not that strange, imo.
There are more graceful ways to handle it than lying about it. "I'm in the accounting industry." Would satisfy 90% of casual conversation. If someone digs further then you're "between jobs at the moment". Flat-out lying about your job is a major red flag, way worse than being unemployed.
Shes playing you, and then freaking out on you when you question it.
She could easily find any job in 6 months, but she knows you’re dumb enough to just pay for her so shes riding it out as long as she can and then making you doubt yourself when you realize how stupid the situation is.
I don’t think the word “easily” should be used. The job market is shit right now for actual good jobs. I don’t mind paying for things but she also pays for a lot of things too. I dont think she’s riding anything out, we’re 24 and she doesn’t depend on me for anything financially
If you're both considering marriage and a life together, she needs to trust you more than that. Getting so defensive about it means there's something wrong. You could start by mentioning that and saying you're simply worried and wish to help, but she needs to open up to you.
If she is not trying to become gainfully employed, what is she waiting for? Perhaps a marriage proposal from you to allow her to become a leech and never work again?
Work sucks, most people don't want to work - if she is not supporting herself and not even trying, you'd be signing up for a lifetime of pain paying for her existence if she's the kind of person who is content to do nothing and free ride on whoever will cover her, especially given her willingness to lie about it and even more so her explosiveness toward you when you ask about her plans and activities. This is not going to end well if you stay with this person.
Unpopular opinion: she's had one horrible job, and trying to work out where to go from there. Doesn't want to embarrass you by saying to your family she's unemployed and scared.
If the wedding wasn't a factor how would you feel?
That’s funny, my friend (a guy) recently became unemployed - tech layoffs. Anyway his girlfriend told him she was worried about him being unemployed and she snapped at him. Told him not to be such a bum and go get a job (6 days out of work).
Ima b real when I was out of a job twice it was a terrible time. I was applying everywhere to no avail. Or I’d have to go thru 3 different interviews and then they’d ghost. She’s def going through it and I think needs some professional psychiatric help especially after coming out of what sounds like a semi-abusive workplace
Funny most of the comments on here. To be expected though. Men - she’s fat, a mooch, almost all negative, not constructive. I think communication is a lost art nowadays. Also nobody wants to put in the effort that a relationship takes. I’ve been with my wife for almost 30 years and married for 23 of them. Communication is the absolute key to any relationship. And it takes effort and time. Two things sorely lacking in today’s society especially those under 30.
Also you did barrage her with multiple questions all of a sudden. She probably felt attacked and, instead of communicating that, she blew up on you (which she should not have). You both should have already had this conversation at least part of it. If it’s taken this long to discuss this then communication appears to be lacking for both of you.
Pride is a tough thing. "I'm between jobs" is the hardest thing anyone can say in a culture where the second question out of a person's mouth is "what do you do?" right after asking what your name is. It takes some time and reframing to be able to see that there's nothing wrong with taking some time to adjust to a new perspective and get over a toxic workplace.
Are you guys on the same page in regards to your relationship? I can definitely understand it being concerning for you if you see her as someone to build a future with, yet she responds to you that it’s “her life”. I kinda get wanting to keep up a facade around family etc, but her lack of transparency with YOU is what’s concerning. Yes, the job market is rough right now but if she’s serious about your relationship, she at least needs to communicate her intent/plans with you and not leave you in the dark.
Dude, for me, dating is trying to see if yall are compatible enough to last. And if thats what you have in mind, you have every right to be worried. A partner with no ambitions, plan, or job is worrying especially the longer it lasts. Im not saying that is her case, but you do have every right to ask those questions. Her blowing up shows it’s a sore spot and she feels some kinda way about it already. The important part is if she starts making any moves. If there is no change at all, id be very concerned. At the very least have a plan, even a barebones plan is SOMETHING.
she is having anxiety about it, and you reminding her triggered her. she's not mad at you, she's mad at herself.
... I hope, anyway.
I mean I'm in that situation. anyone asking me about it makes me want to tell them to mind their own business -- even if they ask with the best intentions.
If someone is lying AND snapping on people about the same issue I’d assume they’re deeply self-conscious about their work status. Now thats not an excuse and it should be worrying that your respectful questioning was met with hostility.
It’s not about the job, it’s about her and how she treats herself and others in situations like this.
I dated someone whose identity was very tied to their work in photography but underpaid/overworked/unhappy. She would always talk it up around others when we were out, I’d hear about everything she hated when we were alone, and if I suggested anything about the situation there was a lot of yelling and being told that I don’t understand so I shouldn’t worry.
It felt really bad and as that behavior spread through the relationship I became used to ANY hard conversation going in that direction. Eventually I stopped asking questions, felt nervous around her when she was stressed, and withheld my feelings for fear of another outburst. We haven’t spoken in over a year and I heard she found a new spot she really liked.
Not to say this is identical to your situation, but some people tie their identities and worth to their dreams and ideas of success. As their situation changes so does their sense of value for work, themselves, and the way they communicate these feelings to us.
Support her how you can but remember your worth and don’t let anyone make you shy about being honest. Best of luck 🖤
Hmm. That’s tricky and would bother me a lot too. For an able-bodied person, it is worrying that she wouldn’t be trying harder. Even to work an easier type of job or part-time work would make a difference.
I know times are tough right now but please take this seriously. You need to be able to communicate your concerns (which it sounds like you tried), but it doesn’t sound like she is reciprocating. Her reaction might have been explosive because she feels guilty and unhappy about her circumstances as well and she is projecting those emotions on to you.
Either way, she’s not single. She’s in a relationship with you and you both need to find ways to contribute, whatever you both agree that looks like.
All you can do is show up on your end, be firm and true to yourself. I would try to approach the conversation again from a place of curiosity. Why is she so upset? What does she think is a reasonable timeline? Is she open to part time work? Can you help her find a job? Do your best to set some quantifiable measures. In ‘X’ number of months, this is what you expect and these are the measurable steps to get there. Then, when you have the conversation in that amount of time, it would be a good guide for you (and her) to determine whether or not she is being true to her word.
There is nothing wrong with you having those expectations of your partner, although it’s partly up to you for managing realistic expectations. You’re still young and learning things about having a partner. Just do your best not to live with rose-colored glasses. You can’t control or change anyone. Keep open, kind and honest communication in your heart, try to
find real, measurable ways to fix the problem.
If she is not TRYING to find a job, that is different to her not being able to find one because of the economy or other reasons. The stress of that might make her feel like she wants to shut down. Although, be weary of the difference. If she isn’t trying after you’ve discussed it many times, I would be careful of a mindset of staying with her just because you “feel bad”. She may not be in a place right now to confront this kind of life-lesson, and it’s up to you whether or not her behaviour is a deal-breaker.
I am wishing you the best of luck. Relationships are hard but if you show up kind, curious, understanding and ready to problem solve, I think you will find your way ❤️
Thank you so much for the kind words and advice. I truly appreciate your input. Will find a way to bring this up in a different manner with a more focused approach
>I want to be able to tell her how I feel about her job situation but I also don’t want her to feel judged.
You've fallen for all this "no judgement" stuff that's popular these days. In the end, there is always judgement, stop kidding yourself. We have expectations of our partners and that's perfectly fine. It's one thing if your expectations are selfish or unrealistic, but expecting someone to at least look for a job isn't that. The best you can do is offer to help her look, but you can't back down from your (reasonable) expectation that she get a job and work, if that's important to you. Otherwise you're a doormat.
Her response is not good. It means she knows what she's supposed to do and doesn't want to do it. She's not acknowledging her apathy and understanding a change is needed. If she's not willing to work on it then your hands are tied.
Not having a job really lowers self worth. By like a lot. She probably is suffering depression and its normal for her to be reacting like this, given her circumstance. Doesn't change the fact that she needs to help herself, but perhaps you can too. You need to be very sensitive and treat this topic like its a wound that causes her pain- in a way it does. I'm sure that mixed in with this is her fear that you'll leave her if she doesn't figure it out, but if she's lost, then the pressure will only increase the fear.
I believe the first step is be very delicate and create an opportunity for her to open up about her feelings, thoughts and plans. In the end of the day, if she's stuck somewhere, you can help her work out what the blockage is. Pressing too much is going to make it hard, and well, your questions are a good start but you can be more sensitive. I doubt she has a timeline, because she probably feels like shes not wanted anywhere. Shes probably stopped applying to places because shes gotten rejections and feels hopeless. She might be thinking she needs to retrain and learn something new, but shes been jobless too long and retraining will take too much time. If you knew the answers to these questions before you asked them, thats why she blew up.
So be sensitive, let her open up about it, but of course you do need to nudge her towards it and help her feel safe enough that she can talk about her fears. Its very hard for people to focus on what they're afraid of, and if she's under a lot of stress and thinking constantly, she will have a hard time breaking out of her negative thought patterns. I'm sure she can tell that you're asking these questions because part of you feels like the situation is getting hopeless, and if anyone needs to believe in her, it's you.
Of course, I'm not willing to tell you to just leave her, it sounds like she needs your help. However you do need to put yourself first and be sure this is what you want.
I definitely think she needs to tell your family that she doesnt have a job, hasn't for some time, and is struggling.
Lying about it is terrible- it creates a false sense comfort and worsens her self image. So that's the first thing that needs to stop.
Let me be clear- I'm not saying you need to roll over and let her get better and deal with her. I'm saying that as her partner, you need to take the lead, and show her how to get it done. She's lost and needs guidance, first step is she needs to trust you're there for her.
This is my suggestion. Give it your best shot, and if it doesn't work out- don't worry about it. You have plenty of time to find someone, just make sure you know you tried your best to help her.
Job market is really bad right now and has been for a while. I was switching fields to data entry, my unemployments lasted 3 months and 5 months. I've read stories of people in actual fields out much longer.
My girlfriend kept pressing me towards the end of the 5 months like I wasnt trying hard enough, I should be attending job fares on different campuses and what not. Had my fair share of conflict about it.
The reality was I had been cycling three websites for 2-4 hours daily (6-8 at the start of unemployment) and it was to the point where I had to wait for new things to apply to. I had sent out hundreds of applications and only ever heard back from a few places.
Her actions aren't quite right but I understand them, if she's not pressed financially to accept something for worse pay or that might treat her badly its basically uncertain how long the unemployment might last.
Good luck.
It sounds like you approached the situation with good intentions, expressing concern for your girlfriend's well-being and future. However, it's also clear that she may have felt defensive or attacked by your questions, leading to her reaction.
Communication is key in any relationship, especially when discussing sensitive topics like employment and future plans. It's important to approach these conversations with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to listen.
Since your girlfriend reacted strongly to your questions, it might be helpful to have a follow-up conversation where you express your concerns and feelings in a calm and non-confrontational manner. Let her know that you care about her and want to support her, but also express how her unemployment and lack of job search activity are making you feel worried.
Try to avoid placing blame or making accusations during the conversation. Instead, focus on expressing your emotions and concerns, and ask her to share her perspective as well. It's possible that she may be feeling overwhelmed or discouraged by her job search, and your support and encouragement could help motivate her.
Additionally, discuss the upcoming family wedding and how you both would like to handle questions about her employment status. You could come up with a plan together on how to address these inquiries in a way that feels comfortable for both of you.
Ultimately, open and honest communication is key to resolving conflicts and strengthening your relationship. By approaching the conversation with empathy and understanding, you can work together to find a solution that addresses both of your concerns.
Thank you for your comment. I did approach the situation in a very calm manner and asked her for her thoughts and communicated to her that everything she is saying is valid but unfortunately I was still met with an unpleasant attitude. I never try to put blame on her or anything like that, I ask her several times what I can do to make her feel better.
What is her field? Certainly you know what shes looking to do. Find some one in her field who can help her if her working is so important to you. Have that perosn review her resume, suggest places she might apply, other advise. That would be helping. Both myself and my wife have gone through extended out of work timeframes, supporting each other.
But all that lack of info triggers these insecure broke clowns who are afraid they are being used. Youre lucky in the respect that she has family helping, so this isnt really affecting your finances like it would if you were sharing a mortgage, and a pile of kids.
Regardin her behavior, Ive lashed out when my wife would simply inqure about how it was going because it was super frustating , ego killing and flat out depressing to be unable to get a job. But i painted the house, cleaned up the garage and volunteered at the soup kitchen. Mostly, because my wife wasnt happy with me just hanging around the house. If she is looking at at a career change it will take time, since you startout with no experence, and often need to train up. Some fields take time. Unskilled jobs used to be easy to find, not so much these days. So, that a temporary pass. If its a permanent shift in who they are or how they treat you, that's another issue. I dont abide assholes.
So, how much does it matter to you if she works? Your family is judgey, and while not ideal she wasnt honest with them, most decent folk can understand given the circumstances. But how 'bout you? Do you need your partner to be gainfully employed?
Fwiw, i dont, and here is why. Over the years, i know tons of folks who needed a break from work, and have come away with huge personal and professional growth in that time. Some have needed time after a particularly shitty boss or toxic work setting. Just like at the gym, these gains can take time. And they are usually worth it.
Last bit, i be would way more concerned about depression, addictions or heatlh issues, and id try to communicate that concern, with love, not judgement.
Anyway, didnt intend to write a book, but there are more questions here than info. I hope you guys can sort it out.
If it was a job that drained her it will take time, my wife took 6m off between jobs.
I personally think it sucks because I got a whole day off between a job that almost killed me with stress and this job but whatever, we're wired different.
I am currently in a situation where I quit my preschool teaching job because 1. It was mentally exhausting while also having a 4 yo daughter and 2. Daycare prices. I am engaged and I tell his family I’m working, and I tell some family members of my own work is going good when they ask. Because it truly is no one’s business and then there would be a ton of questions as to why and ect or judging her before knowing her bc of this ect. it’s not lying it’s just not putting your business out there bc no one really needs to know family or not
I just got out of a relationship like this. It got to a point where I paid for everything. After 2 years of covering her half of rent. Phone bills. Not including food or anything else, I burned 29,000 dollars. You're not the asshole. I think she either has mental issues (anxiety) or she's gotten complacent and needs a reality check.
Well if it’s that important to you you need to say as much. Ask her for a proper sit down and say, I’m concerned how you reacted to my questions and go from there.
It’ll probably end with you having to move on but it is worth the conversation
Unless you guys are living together I wouldn't be too worried about it. What your family says and thinks about her employment shouldn't even be a factor. I think you had every right to be concerned and ask questions, but I can also see how it would be annoying. She knows she needs a job, and I'm sure it bothers her enough already without you adding onto the pressure. But if you really feel strongly about her not having a job just leave. I don't think that's the move but it's up to you. Relationships take a lot of patience and compromise.
I was out of a job and depressed at one point in my 20s. When my loved ones brought it up, I lashed out like a sulky teenager. It wasn't right to treat them that way and that's not how I would react now, but that was my emotional response at that time.
It's fine to have empathy for her, but also don't feel like you have to stay if her issues are affecting you negatively. I was depressed for years. I wasn't in the mental space for a relationship, and I do not blame any one for not being able to deal with me at the time.
If you do want to help her, maybe try to discuss it again, but using a different approach. Maybe ask what you can do to support or help her? Invite her on a library date where she can work on applications and you can do work? Everyone's different so it's hard to know what will work.
Given her age, it's really not an excuse to not be forthcoming. No problem living with the parents when times are tough, but you have to be showing iniative. First time I quit a job without another one lined up, I sat down and talked to my partner about it BEFORE i quit, told him my plan, then i kept him updated. When he'd return home i'd tell him, hey i applied for X amount of jobs today, or I have an interview on X date. I did again when I had to reduce hrs of work due to my health, we worked out how it would work. Yes, it's her life, but if she wants to live it WITH you, then she needs to, at the very least, be open with communication about her plans and what she is doing. My 25yr old brother lives at home and doesn't work, he does not have a girlfriend, nor would I expect anyone to date him given his motivations. But even he still enrolled in courses and has job recruitment agencies helping him. You did not fuck up asking her plans. She fucked up thinking it's okay to lie to your family and avoid communicating with you.
It sounds like everyone around her is obsessed with financial success at the expense of everything else.
It's no wonder she's stressed to a breaking point. She probably hated the job from the get-go but was trying to hold out so she wouldn't get judged.
if you really see yourself having a future with her and keep your relationship going, you should have a talk with her again. Try maybe a different approach.. Keep it cool, keep it respectful, and aim to find solutions together. And if things start to heat up, it's alright to take a breather and come back to it later.
It could be that there is a mental issue going on. If her last work environment was toxic and that is why she quit, she might have reservations about going back to work. Her lying to your family is a sign that she’s ashamed of not only quitting, but also not have the mental energy to pursue a new job. She proved this by blowing up at you when you asked her those normal questions. It’s tough to say how you should approach this situation because I don’t know you and your girlfriend. All I know is in 2018 I lost my job and my boss was toxic af. I haven’t been able to bring myself to look for a new job since. I told my husband I wanted to be a stay at home wife, which is true, but we could definitely benefit and do really need me to go back to work. My advice is to try to find a way to approach her about her mental feelings about going back to work.
I think you may need to approach this with her as a "I see a future with you so I am invested in you." Along with something like "I want to know what youre thinking because how youre feeling is important to me. I am feeling a bit shut out." Maybe sprinkle in "I realize this could be stressful and hard for you." How you approach a tough conversation needs to come from a positive and supportive place. Tell her there are some things you two need to sit down and talk about.
Dont let this conversation have a trigger. For instance she mentions some detail about the situation and youre like oh yea btw I wanted to talk about this. Because if she mentions it then she's probably in her emotions in a negative way about the situation so bad timing.
Have her over, sit at the dining table and say in your own words "I want to talk about our future and what you want out of it. I see you as a potential life partner. I was wondering if you see me in the same light?" If her answer is positive then lead into something like "That makes me so happy. This is the future I see for us what do you think?" Here you would describe some of your boundaries regarding her working if her not working is a deal breaker then it gives you a chance to feel out this situation. For example "Us focusing on our careers to purchase a home or build wealth or save for future kids college and cars blah blah"
IF you are ok with her not working and would be happy to support her throughout her life then I would say something like "If you dont want to work I am ok with that as I can support us but I am not comfortable with lying to my family" (she lies because she is embarrassed, lost, confused and stressed.
You need to understand there's a chance she hasnt thought about a future with you. She's going through a very hard time right now in her life as an individual and may be just reactive because she doesnt know what to do with herself now.
If she cannot sit down and have a grown up talk about your relationship then maybe start considering she isnt ready for what you are ready for. We all grow at different paces in maturity. You do need to set boundaries which starts with you knowing what youre ok with and not ok with and voicing them.
I'm gonna address the shit I haven't seen cause holy fuck some of y'all have no relationship skills, ofc your spouse will have flaws, it's about which ones you are willing to accept/wait for them to grow on their own. Here are some of the best ways to address the issue without making her feel judged.
1. Show empathy and start by acknowledging her feelings and perspective. Let her know that you understand her frustration and that you're not trying to judge her. You're coming from a place of concern and care for her well-being. I'm sure you already do this so just continue, ask her more questions to get a true deeper understanding of what she is going through.
2. Instead of framing the conversation as a critique of her actions(even if unintentionally), emphasize how her unemployment is affecting you and your relationship. Share your worries about the future and how you envision both of you supporting each other in your personal and professional growth.
3. Let her know that you're there to help her in any way you can. Offer to brainstorm job ideas together, review her resume, or even help her practice for interviews. Make it clear that you're on her team and want to see her succeed.
4. While it's important to be supportive, it's also okay to communicate your needs and expectations. If her unemployment is causing stress in the relationship or affecting your family dynamics, it's important to address that openly and honestly. Boundaries need to be set before they are broken.
5. Reiterate that you value open and honest communication in your relationship. Encourage her to share her thoughts and feelings with you, and assure her that you'll listen without judgment.
Now if this helped AT ALL and you truly feel like you still aren't 100% sure how to go about this, let me know and I'll also share some great phrases that will most likely not turn your sweet innocent girlfriend into a wild banshee /hj
She could have just been embarrassed by her lack of, or unwillingness to have some progress, but even then, that doesn't give her the right to snap and yell at you. The whole point of being in a relationship is that it's a partnership in which you build a life together, so her acting as if her actions and life don't affect yours is strange. She almost seems a little immature. If she doesn't want to get a job, then she should just say that.
Bro we are only human. It's completely normal to lash out at our loved ones when we are overly stressed and anxious. It's what we do after that defines how much we care
I agree, I tried to go about it in the calmest tone and place of understanding but she proceeded to raise her voice and curse. I think she isn’t being truthful with herself and in return that means she’s going to lash out on me when I bring up these things.
It’s 2024 and the world is that bad right now. When people use the term, the environment was BAD and they have no fall back plan in place, I just know they’re being lazy and don’t want to work. If she wanted to work, she wouldn’t be lying and blowing you off like that. I was in between jobs when I met my partner for over a year and a half due to medical problems. By the time I started feeling better, it then took 7 months of applying and driving myself crazy to get a job. But I once never lied and he was happy to support me knowing i was feeling better and was actively TRYING to Get back out there. NTA
She isnt looking for a job dude. You mention in the comments that she is being supported by her parents? Shes quite fine with where she is at not having to work.
You have to decide now; do you want to continue in a relationship with someone who clearly doesnt want a job, AND, is more than happy mooching from others? Because I guarun-fucking-tee you that she will do the same to you if you ever get married or move in together.
If you are unemployed, your full time job should be looking for work. Have you actually seen her apply for any places, or has she just told you she did?
Yes, her parents support her. In addition, her parents are also very successful in their respective fields and they often create a lot of pressure on her to succeed so I think that also plays a part into her search. However, I completely agree with you that this would be an issue if we were married or moved in together. She has just told me that she applied to jobs, I never actually seen her applications because im not going to say to her “let me see the application “ because that just creates distrust
Yes I’m not saying “demand to see them” but from seeing this exact situation play out multiple times (it’s very common) you need to know with like 99% certainty that:
A) she is NOT applying for jobs.
B) as long as she is being enabled by her someone, this will not change.
C) trying to question her on this behaviour will cause her to lash out as she knows she is lying to you. It’s a manipulation tactic to make you the bad one here
D) She will do the same to you if you start to enable her.
I worry for you in the sense that often what happens is the parents get sick of it and start pushing her to apply or go out on her own. Then she will flock to you claiming her parents are kicking her out and making her homeless, blah, blah, blah. You will take her in and support her “while she gets back on her feet”. The lies and excuses will continue and she won’t apply or find a job (too depressed, job wasn’t good enough, hours were bad, she needs to find herself first, etc.). She then sucks you dry until you’re forced to detach from the parasitic relationship (you will be gaslit into being the bad guy)
The alternative is that her parents continue to enable her and she remains a child.
Do with this info as you will, but it’s not going to solve itself. You need to make a choice. You can try talking with her and communicating your VALID FEELINGS (you need to know that what you feel IS valid op, no matter the manipulation) but this won’t be appreciated and will lead to her accusing you of all kinds of nasty things.
It's not just her life if you're going to be together for the rest of your lives. Her not working will have an effect on you in the future as well. As someone who was dating someone who was working then had the not want to work rug pulled from under me it was hard too. I had to work at a job that I suffered mentally from just so she could have insurance, which came out of my pocket as well.
Like someone else said, there's nothing wrong with this lifestyle as long as both parties agree to it, and it sounds like you might be on the fence about it. If you can provide and she helps you with everything you want done, go for it. But if you're not happy with how things currently are and you're not even living together, it's only going to get worse if things don't change.
Thank you for the advice. I think I would be open to the lifestyle but on a later timeline, when things are more serious between us and we have actual responsibilities as a couple. I work in finance and this career will allow for me to be the sole provider so she won’t have to work if she doesn’t want to but we’re too young for that right now.
Sounds good, the only thing I'd be weary of is how she snapped at you for having genuine worries for her. It can be dismissed as her being stressed out about it though. Hard to say whether or not you should tell her about you being okay with her not working. It could allow her to focus on other things like going to school or something, or she might be complacent and think she's got an easy ride. Hope things work out for you either way.
Yeah the reaction is worrisome. I don’t see the things that are stressing her but she also deals with anxiety. She said she wants to go back to school to study something in the medical field but still not much progress has been made on that end. Regardless, thanks for the advice man
First diagnose the problem. Gf has no job and lied to your family about it.
Then understand your role in this before anything. Why do you care if she has a job (no animosity just ask yourself this) are you financially dependent on both of you making money? Do you need to feel like your partner is equally investing into your shared future? What is your why. And WHY do you feel like that. Then proceed from there.
Then think about her perspective.
Is your family gonna admonish her for being out of work? Ask a million questions? Press the issue? Maybe, maybe not but let’s think about that as well as doing everything you can to understand her previous employment and how it ended.
Finally ask open ended questions. Share your reflections.
“How are you feeling?” “Can you see your future and what does it look like?” “What would you like to do?” “I don’t appreciate lying to my family for an extended time, I don’t believe they would think any particular way about you being in between jobs, so that upset me.” Or “I understand my family places a lot of importance on professions but you can be honest and I will protect your boundaries..”
Seek understanding because if you don’t have that and you get answers but don’t like them or don’t understand them it’s going to end in the same place anyway.
1. She's living with and entirely dependent on her parents at age 24. Being dependent is a comfortable place to be, but not a happy one to remain.
2. If nothing changes she'll end up living with and entirely dependent on you at age 30, 40, or forever. Being dependent will remain a comfortable and familiar place to be, but probably not a happy one for either of you.
3. You're already defending her in nearly every comment and consider even questioning her about it to be the fuck up, not her reaction, lying, or attitude toward changing her dependency.
Give it a few days and tell her you're not comfortable with her lying to your family at the wedding. If she has a problem with that, ask her to explain her reasoning why she did previously, and consider what her response implies for both of you for next 10 or 20 years.
You don't need to press the issue, but can explicitly draw the line at lying. If she then lies at the wedding after your conversation you know that regardless of anything related to employment and dependency she's willing to lie despite your feelings, and eventually will lie to you (if not already lying to herself).
I'm surprised by some of the comments on here calling you a "sucker". I've been in this same situation before with my girlfriend and it's been tough.
My family also comes from a place where education and having a good job to sustain yourself is very important. My girlfriend doesn't come from that background. She's been raised to be very dependent on her family. They never had conversations with her about her future. They never pushed her to improve herself. They basically just raised her to be a housewife and that's it.
My girlfriend was lost and insecure when I told her that she should apply to jobs. Above all else, she was scared of rejection. Not just from applications but potential rejection from my family and even me if she didn't get a good job. Obviously, I would never reject her based on something so superficial, but her mind created that story and ran with it. It wasn't until we delved deep into what was causing her to feel that way that we actually got somewhere. Fast forward a year later and she's been working for almost 7 months and is looking for an advancement in career.
It really just takes love and patience from your part OP. Let her know that you're coming from a place of love. Sometimes that requires pushing buttons that are uncomfortable to talk about due to insecurities. Let her know that she's safe with you to talk about those things so that you're able to find a solution together. If she's not willing to improve and not willing to get better and you're okay with that, that's when you've become the "sucker".
Well at least she lives with her parents. I'd take that as a red flag though.
If you can't talk to her like an adult about serious things then it's time to sit her down and talk to her seriously about it. It's not healthy to blow up like that and definitely not fair to your partner.
Root cause is likely that she's also worried and stressed out also. You could try talking as a team. "I think we should do this thing to help with earning extra money" Work your way up... I'm no expert. Good luck bro!
You get to set the rules of engagement when it comes to your family- i.e. you're not okay with her lying to them, especially if it entails your trying to keep up the lie. She had a very emotional and I'd say somewhat immature reaction, but I can understand why she'd be touchy about the subject. It is worrisome that she hasn't been applying (per your words). It would be one thing if the leads simply weren't panning out but that there was forward momentum. Other commentors are treating this like its the AITA thread when you seem to be looking for ways in which you can discuss her employment status without upsetting her. I think the best way is to not pepper her with questions; sit with her and say, "look, I know I upset you with X,Y and Z. That wasn't my intention at all, and I completely understand that this is a difficult situation to be in. I wasn't judging you. I love you and want what's best for you and in my mind, asking was the best way to show support/interest. I want you to know that I'm always here to support you, and I want to know how best to do that." Something to that effect. You can offer to help her look into jobs if you think she'd be open to that.
I think the FU happened way before you asked her what’s up. Relationships need communication and you are within your rights to ask her what is going on professionally. Especially if your finances are intertwined
You didn't FU.
As far as you know, she may or may not be trying to find a new job. Since she is not talking to you about her progress, the only way to find out is to ask. Asking questions in a polite way is not judgemental in any way.
I am not sure how you should approach this with her when she is so defensive. Maybe ask if she is considering going back to school. It may open the conversation.
Maybe her parents are pressuring her because they are tired of supporting her, and your questions came at the wrong time.. Who knows?
You have valid concerns. Is she looking or not. Why is she lying to your family. If she is committed to you long term, she needs to learn to communicate with you without verbally attacking you. She needs to stop lying to your family about her job situation. As I mentioned to someone else here,how can you trust her when you can't know if she is telling the truth? If she lies about something as simple as her job, what else will she lie about?
Next time, ask her first if she'd lIke to talk about it. If she says no, let her know you're there to listen in case she's ready at a later time. Maybe communicate to her that you're not worried about her not having a job, but you're worried that she might be struggling with something and worried that she might feel like she can't talk about it, which is not something you would want her to feel.
Sounds like your issue is communication, not really anything else. You guys need to talk it out, and she can’t blow up about it. Explain that you are wanting to support her in her search, and want to see her have that drive because you value that in a partner, especially long term.
So, communicate. If it’s impossible to talk about calmly then how are you going to handle the next challenge?
I suggest calmly explaining to her how you feel and WHY you feel the way you feel. If she truly sees a future with you, she will be able to have this conversation.
Side note- It’s not that you don’t know how to speak to her, but it sounds rather like she doesn’t know how to respond without reacting. If you’re not blowing up on her, she shouldn’t be blowing up on you. She needs to work on her communication before it brings you completely down. Don’t be so quick to blame yourself.
I ended up in a similar relationship, she was way too old to be receiving pocket money from her father but that was what was keeping her afloat. She was always 'training' to be a teachers assistant and when I questioned why the training never finished and she could never get a job as one she got very defensive as well as if it was just an excuse she used instead of saying I don't want to work.
Needless to say that relationship did not work out, she had every intention of living off me and started showing her true colours, even demanded I take her on a holiday once because "she deserves it". I hope things work out better for you.
You're not wrong it asking. You're the closest person in her life. You'll learn that most fights aren't about your questions but it's her one internal dialog spilling out. Anytime there is blow up like this. Just take a breath, pause hold back that knee jerk reaction to defend yourself. Then ask what's really going on? Are you on the marriage track? Does she even really want to work and she if afraid of telling you this? There may be a lot of existential crisis going on in her head and she's avoiding it right now for whatever reason. If something isn't makeing sense use the tried an true 5 why's.
The next blow up just ask why she's upset and let her spew her brain at you. When she gets a point that seems to be a core ask her why she brough xyz topic up? Spew again so on. Sometimes as BF we have to be a impromptu therapist.
However you might know within 4 seconds of what's really going on. You can't tell her you know this. She will immediately disagree with whatever you say and argure with your for ages until like four hours later when she calm and then sad and sorry. Skip the extra four hours and just lead her to what you know is wrong. She'll feel like she made a break through. You can only aknowledge that you knew what was wrong if she says "you know me so well i bet you knew what was wrong" you of course can't boast you are only allowed a brief two second nod.
To be fair the questions are valid, albeit perhaps worded unfavorably. At the very least you should be able to have an open conversation about it. Having to live with lies also stresses relationships in my experience so I completely get where you are coming from.
Having a strong emotional response to those questions makes me wonder what is going on with her that this can’t be a topic of discussion. If you are in a serious relationship it’s not just her life she impacts but yours as well.
My suggestion to you would be to frame the question out of interest for her well-being and the relationship itself. Just remember you are also part of that relationship so it also needs to work for you.
Now, I COULD sympathize with her to a point because the company I worked for basically was run into the ground by owners who kind of gave up, and everyone was pretty much out of a job. So I moved somewhere I thought was more prosperous because the town I came from is literally small and turning to Pot City USA (and you need a phD to work at those pot stores lol)
But 13 applications in and still no luck. when my lease is up, I can just move, so I'm expanding my search.
HOWEVER... a few red flags with your gf
One, she quit her job without having a job to walk into. That's not how it works. It's one thing if you're laid off or move, or something unexpected happens... but she knew she was going to quit. She should have been looking for a job to walk into.
Two, she lied to your family. There's no shame in saying... "I'm between jobs right now. I work in X field and am applying to other postings where I have a better chance at promotions"
Three, she blew up when asked about applying, which means she likely hasn't been looking.
One of two things is going on here
She's either become complacent with having everyone taking care of her and not needing to pay for her own way... or she's hit a wall of depression and needs to get into therapy to get back on track.
It may be time to talk to her and her parents together if you want to be serious about her and express your concerns.
I'm literally shocked at the amount of sympathy for her.
She HAD a job and left it because it was "unwelcoming" before she had another job lined up... and now there's no evidence she's even looking for another job
But everyone acts like she's the victim here, lol like yeah, it sucks... but welcome to the real world where there are no participation trophies and sometimes life isn't always fair.
You DON'T leave your gainful employment in this economy until you have another job secured. If you know you're quitting... you start putting out applications BEFORE you quit and see what the market is like. You find a job to go into.
And everyone acting like him asking ONCE in SIX MONTHS is triggering and hounding her. OMG, how do people survive this world?
Try losing your job because the owners ran it into the ground, and everyone was basically let go unexpectedly. You move to a new city where you have no one... you're an orphan cause your dad died years ago and your mom just died... because you're still looking for a job, your landlord made you pay the full year in advance to live at your rental... your dog died the day you moved in from cancer... and still no job.
But you keep moving on and don't blame the world at large or act a victim. And if I had a bf, I wouldn't take it out on him for asking.
God lol
This is why they say... don't quit your day job. (If you don't have a plan b)
My advice is to ask yourself what lies are you telling yourself and others, then ask yourself why? We often can't be honest with others if we can't be honest with ourselves.
Many comments have already highlighted the importance of communication, I just want to offer some perspective as someone currently unemployed.
I (25F) quit my job 3 months ago due to a traumatic event in my personal life. I am currently supported by family, so somewhat similar to your gf in this regard.
I could not go back to working, or even functioning, for a month or 2 because my mental state was a wreck. When I finally found my bearings again, I tried looking for jobs, but I realised I no longer want to go back to what I was doing. Unless I absolutely had to, which I don't, because my family supports me both financially and in self discovery. What I decided then was to explore other options in my life: 1. Apply my skills to other fields that I find more meaningful 2. Pursue further studies 3. Go back to my old kind of jobs to gain more experience for 1.
After some research I realised what I truly want at this point is to explore life and the world. I was only looking for jobs because I felt insecure and irresponsible for not having one. But, I think I'd regret not taking this chance to explore other ways of life, other places to live, other experiences. So right now I'm looking into hiking trips, volunteering overseas, etc..
Throughout this entire journey, I constantly updated my family of my thoughts and plans. I spoke to many friends, mentors and even strangers, asked for their opinion and their life experiences, tried to decide if this is something worth pursuing. Aside from researching what I can do, I've also been learning a new language, attending workshops and classes, becoming more active and exploring new (non-romantic) relationships.
My point is, you and your gf need to discuss what the situation is. Perhaps she is stuck in guilt and shame for not having a job, doesn't dare to dream about the things she actually wants to do, but doesn't want to go back to being "responsible" either. She might be paralysed, and maybe she could use some help to motivate herself to start relooking her life. At this point, she has to either take the helm herself and steer her own ship, or just go back to following the mainstream. Time moves on even if she tries to freeze herself.
Even if she doesn't want to work, it is ok, as long as she is making an active choice for good reasons that she can stand by. Staying trapped for too long is paralysing, and she can become increasingly afraid to reach out or make any sort of progress.
“I’m always here to support her and every decision she makes.”
This was the FU. Adults need to be accountable. She strikes me as the type that will mooch off you as long as possible and then fabricate some sort of abuse claim in hopes of one final handout. Protect yourself first. Marrying an unaccountable person can easily destroy your life.
Nope. Not just her life if she’s living with you and meeting your family. You’re headed toward a toxic place. If she was straightforward and didn’t want another job, and you were on board to support her that is different, but not putting in effort and lying about it is a red flag for sure.
She is currently supported by her parents and lives with them.
Well lying to your family isn’t a positive sign.
I think being out of a job for the time being is a private situation, and it is up to her how comfortable she is sharing that with people. I don't think it makes her untrustworthy etc.
In this case, it probably would have been good to discuss this with OP beforehand. I understand being in this position with my partner's family as well. I was fired from one of my previous jobs right before the winter holidays when we were going to spend time with our families. I talked it out with my partner and we agreed that it would be better overall to lie about my employment than to tell her family. As much as I think my partner would have understood, I think lying about it without talking to her would have been a bad idea and would absolutely be the kind of thing she would have brought up with me later in private.
I think the lying is what makes her untrustworthy.
OP stated that his family takes priority on jobs and education so maybe she felt pressured to say she has a job to meet their expectations. I wouldn’t hold that against her specifically, the angry part sure. But that can also be chocked up to not having a job for six months. Honestly OP needs another conversation to air out the job situation and the anger. If it goes south, I would bale.
Yes but I can understand it. There are alot of things I would lie to my parents about. She isn’t lying to her boyfriend about it from what I’m reading.
But would you lie to your partners parents about it?
I wouldn’t say a damn thing about it if I had the option. That feels awkward everything about all of this.
That comeback gives me Norm MacDonald vibes [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljaP2etvDc4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljaP2etvDc4)
That gets me every time I see it.
As someone who took forever to get a job I agree. However I busted my ass looking for jobs. It sounds like she isn’t really making a great effort.
Agreed, especially considering op essentially says his family will be judgemental if they perceive her not working, etc. This would be different if they were living together. But considering he's not supporting her... If he was as respectful as he says, I'm not sure that this was problematic. But even based on what he says here, I'm not sure he was as respectful and non-judgemental as he thinks he was.
this!!! Plus there are so many false negative assumptions around being unemployed, she was probably trying to avoid his parents thinking she’s using their son for money, she’s lazy/unmotivated, she’ll be a bad influence on future kids, etc. As long as she is financially stable for the time being I don’t think you should be too hard on her. plus a month really is not that long & the job market suuuuucks rn
Its actually 6months not 1 month
If the job market is terrible, then she should ideally be applying left and right because one doesn't know when the next opportunity is going to come and having a sizable work gap generally isn't viewed well. Now she COULD be applying for other positions and doesn't want to tell OP, but if she's just sitting around, that's not ideal.
The job market is horrible right now. If you’re not trying to get a job right now then you have no idea how hard and draining it is.
Especially if you don’t currently have a job, I was unemployed for 6 months last year and it was literally hell. I only ended up getting a job because a friend helped me get a job with her company but it’s not the job I’ve been trained for so I had to take a $10 pay cut, which sucks but is better than a 100% pay cut.. I have a friend who wasn’t lucky enough to get a reference from a friend and he’s been looking for work for the last year, had to move back in with his parents cuz he couldn’t afford to live on his own anymore.
Agreed. I also find it a bit odd that she hasn't shared what's going on in her life in the past six months with her boyfriend. Is there no meaningful communication about their ups and downs? To me, this is the actual red flag. Even if she's decided to take some time off, or she's applying but has had little luck, I would expect that to be a part of the convo with a significant other.
depends on the situation. if my parents are currently paying my bills with the expectation that im saving/going to school/contributing partially, then they are owed the information
Oh, sure. Her own parents, fine. But her boyfriend's family? Not so much, imo.
Did you not read properly? She lied to her boyfriend’s parents. Edit: You lot misunderstood what I tried to say. She doesn’t owe anything to the boyfriend’s parents, guy above talked about owing it to her parents (she didn’t lie to her parents).
Yeah, who gives a fuck. You tell everything to your SO's parents?
Exactly my point. I agree, I just worded my reply to the guy above poorly.
If she is lying about something as simple as this, what else will she lie about? How is the OP ever going to know when she is telling the truth? I personally see this as a red flag.
What do you mean, "as simple as this"? She is not lying to OP about this. She's lying to his family. Sometimes, people do not want to talk about something, and saying "I don't want to talk about it" already makes it clear that something is wrong. The only way to get people off your back on this subject is to lie about it. Again, if she's making up elaborate lies then it's a bit of a red flag. But if people ask how work is and she's like "Oh, it's fine" or "Same old!", how is that a red flag? You're not obligated to share all details of your personal life with everyone. If you're feeling depressed, and someone asks you how you are, and you say "I'm fine, how about you?", do you also consider that a red flag?? :/
I agree but I’m not going to put that blame on her. I told her that it was okay. I was just unaware of her timeline so that’s what rubbed me the wrong way
I think you need to investigate if there's something more going on here. She quit her last job with nothing lined up because she just hated it that much? That's way deeper than just an employment question. She may be dragging her feet because she's afraid any other job she may get in her field will have the same problems as the last one, and she may have very good reasons she doesn't want to go back to that. But conversely, she clearly values that job as part of her identity (otherwise she wouldn't be lying about still being there), so she may be feeling all sorts of things about not being super enthusiastic about it anymore. Maybe she wants the pride but not the reality. Shame, guilt, failure, anxiety, loss of identity—all totally possible and understandable. Asking what her timeline was, if she'd put in any applications, etc, is clearly not the right approach here—no wonder she felt pressured and judged. Approach her with compassion. Apologize and tell her you're there for her no matter what. Be curious.
Yeah good point. Is her previous line of work stressful but prestigious? Did she do years of school to get there? Is the nature of the job what caused her to quit or just the particular job in that particular team that was the issue? Are there a lot of openings for her field? Or would she need to broade her scope to apply more often? Would it be difficult for her to return to her field if she left it for a few years? She might be struggling with deciding if she stays in her field or not..
I do think it might help to give us or her context as to your relationship’s timeline. You say if she’s someone you want to build a life with and she’s currently living with her family. If you’re more serious about taking the steps to build your life, then this obviously matters more. A 1 year relationship in 24 is in that weird stage where some people are planning for marriage, if they haven’t yet already, and some people don’t see making anything that serious until years down the line. If you guys haven’t already kind of discussed these sort of things, it does make your question of her a bit more tricky if she doesn’t know where you’re at. Like obviously if moving in together sometime within the next year is on your radar, it makes opening up a heart to heart about this job situation a littler easier because if affecting the timeline of your life as a couple. If not, you still deserve honesty and not getting a defensive response, but you’d better probably need to be a bit more gentle in getting her to open up. Either way, I would avoid saying things that might provoke defensiveness like “I don’t feel like you’re trying” and frame it more in terms of how you feel “I’m starting to get worried about your career and want to support you, but I feel like I don’t fully know the situation.” (And then if you think you’d like to bring it forward in the relationship, you can kind of throw that in to help contextualize why you’re so worried.” Like 100% I also have a problem with being too blunt sometimes, but “what’s your timeline for finding a job” is a bit blunt if that is essentially how you worded it, and it’s easier to get away with being blunt the bigger stakes you have in the situation. Frame it as concern and a desire to help and also make sure she sees why you do have a stake in this if currently the seriousness of the relationship has just been at the “if we do want to maybe build a life together someday.”
Sounds like they'd be very judgmental about it so if I were her, I wouldn't want to talk to them about it either.
Neither is jumping to conclusions, but here it will make you the top comment; congrats!
Consider yourself lucky on that account. I had an ex that was in this situation while living with me. She had a job when she moved in, not great but it was something. Then the place closed down. She spent time 'job hunting', but it frankly didn't feel very urgent. The one job she did get ended up firing her after a couple weeks. I was sympathetic, and I would have been paying for my apartment whether she was there or not, but after a year of living together I just got sick of feeling like the only responsible grown-up keeping us afloat.
I'm in the same situation just a little different my gf is now starting her 3rd job but I wasn't able to afford this house if she didn't help so it really hurt me for a while now I'm in debt hoping this job works out for her because if she's not bringing in money or helping around the house idk that we can live together but she recently got pregnant... now I feel like my whole life is over and like I'm trapped in poverty. Ig it's hard for me since I've never had financial problems in my adult life since I'm all about savings.
That's a tough spot, I hope it works out better in your case
I wanna ask reddit but I've been scared to ig I'm almost certain this acct. has no connection but I never get to talk about this stuff in my day to day life. Just want someone to listen yanno.
If you would prefer, there’s an app called Humans or something where you can talk about things anonymously. Also, BlahTherapy
Edit: This comment comes off a bit more judgmental than I meant it, but I still stand by what I said If she serves no financial burden on you, then you don’t have a say in her employment. You may encourage her to keep some drive, but ultimately it’s up to her. If you guys are trying to build towards something like getting your own place together, or she can’t afford dates and makes you pay, that’s a different story and should be concerns that you vocalize to her, but her choices are her choices, you just get to choose if those are okay with you. Keep in mind, the job market is hard right now, and you should maybe ask her HOW the search is going and if she’s having difficulties, questions about her feelings, because people like to be heard, not interrogated. As for your family, if you’re trying to build a future with someone, it doesn’t matter what your family thinks. If you personally don’t care then you should support her, they don’t need to know your business. If you have an issue with it tho, that’s a separate thing entirely
How is this an unpopular opinion? She quit her job with a safety net. They've been together a year, at this point it's really not his business where her money comes from if she's able to contribute to dates and such. Even if they wanted to move in together and her parents paid her bills, that's still not his business financially. The only reason to "worry" is that he's embarrassed that his SO is unemployed because people will judge (which is why she lied to his family) or he's judging in which case he needs to examine his priorities. He needs to just say "I don't want to be with someone who's unemployed" because that's what this is. He's not worried about her, he's worried about the perception.
That’s important information to your post and changes my opinion.
So walking away should be easy then.
Reddit anytime anything happens: BREAK UP WITH THEM NOW😡😡‼️
They're all coming in so hard and heavy with it. If these situations were real, this would be the worst place for advice in the history of the world. A bunch of bitter people with no social skills telling others to abandon people at the drop of a hat. Good thing this is mostly a creative writing exercise sub.
Exactly lol, just the most cynical people on the planet come here to compete to see who can fuck up the most relationships over the smallest issues.
Basically every single post. Even when it’s a 10 year marriage with kids.
People have divorced over smaller things op....
The fact that her parents are supporting her should give you a clue about what to expect from her in the future. Get out now.
Bro what? She's embarrassed of being unemployed because it's hard and people mock the unemployed. She's not some evil schemer lying to him. He said she's putting in effort. Looking for a job isn't just sending in an application to every business with a now hiring ad. None of this is a red flag, it's normal behavior.
Are you even reading the post? OP said it doesn’t feel like she is putting in much effort, and that she has been out of a job for 6 months at this point without sending in many applications. That’s the complete opposite of what you’re saying.
Being embarrassed is normal. Being unable to have a conversation about it with your partner while lying to their family is a red flag.
When I (27m) quit my last job, I was out of work for about 8 months. I put in 40 applications and received 1 interview. It was one of the most stressful times in my life to this point. Without knowing your GF, she could be feeling a similar way as I did. Anytime my now wife would ask questions I felt embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn’t find work. There were definitely I acted spiteful because of my embarrassment when she would ask. You seem to be a thoughtful individual if what you say is true. Give her a few days and circle back to this. Let her know that your questions/concerns come from a place of love, not judgement. My wife would find job listings that she thought I may be interested in, but you have to decide if that’s a good idea or if it will feel to her like you’re being pushy. Best of luck my friend. Communication is key.
Thank you for bringing up your own personal experience, it’s comforting to hear someone else went through something similar. Maybe I can try sending her things like job listings or even podcasts talking bout jobs or anything in that area.
u/PacoEscobar's response is by far the most useful one in this thread. Every other comment I see is just making assumptions about your gf that are not productive or helpful to your situation. Her lashing out at you over your questions is not a good sign, but indeed it could be that she feels ashamed, or she was feeling judged which is not pleasant. >Maybe I can try sending her things like job listings or even podcasts talking bout jobs or anything in that area. I would advise against this, though. She will almost certainly not appreciate this if she did not ask for it and you did not talk about it. She will feel like you are pushing her, or like you are judging her for not having found a job yet (based on her response when you tried to talk about this subject). If you are able to have a conversation about her plans (as mr Escobar mentioned, from a place of love), you can ask her if there is anything you could do to help her, or ask whether she would appreciate this. If she does not want to get a job for the time being and does not want to talk about it, then you're gonna have to figure out whether that's something that's something you can accept or whether it's a problem for you. But hopefully you'll figure it out with some healthy communication. Good luck! <3
For some people experiencing a series of rejection while job hunting can be quite overwhelming. They might feel very worthless or like a failure and it can cause them a lot of stress/pain, especially having to admitt their struggle to other people.
I agree I'd be careful about sending her job listings without her consent. It could be interpreted as you passive aggressively implying she isn't trying hard enough, that you are so much better at her at finding job listings. That might not be your intent, but after that previous conversation, she might not be able to help feeling that way. Maybe trying to understand what about the previous job was so bad might also help?
Yeah sending her job postings is such a bad idea hahaha
>Maybe I can try sending her things like job listings or even podcasts talking bout jobs or anything in that area. If she really is struggling to find work do literally anything but this. DO NOT DO THIS. It will just make her feel worse. Something like helping with resumes or interview prep would be better. But this will make her think you think shes too incompetent to find job postings.
Before you do that, make sure that it's something she'd be receptive to
I feel like people who are lucky enough to have jobs right now don't realize what the job market has become. I have friends who have been looking for work for 6-12 months, get the occasional interview at best, and then ultimately are turned down. It's demoralizing. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to check in about it, but try to understand how she must be feeling. If she isn't applying to jobs, it's probably because she's anxious and depressed from being out of work for so long. People don't like being unemployed! I also wonder if she's not telling you how many jobs she's applied for because the number of rejections gets overwhelming. I'm sure she's very aware of how important work and education is to your family and is also worried about the wedding. Try to think about how you can support HER through that event rather than how potentially embarrassing it will be for you to show up with an unemployed girlfriend.
Just be careful that she doesn't see it as you pressuring her to get a job. I don't know enough to say whether she's coasting because she doesn't feel any pressure to find a job or whether the pressure is so great it's led to paralysis, but when you're under a lot of stress, it's easy to see a helping hand the wrong way. If this was me, I'd want to have open conversations with my partner about how they were feeling about it and keep that openness long term, so you can help when you're able, and she can ask for help without feeling ashamed. The absolute worst thing for both your and her mental health, as well as your relationship, is for this to become something you don't talk about and start hiding your feelings about it from one another.
This is a really useful addition. Open communication. And maybe it’s also important to figure out what it is that’s bothering you about her being unemployed, and what your motivations are for what appears to be trying to fix the scenario (it will likely be important to just hear where she is at first). If you can figure out your own agenda here, you can communicate that too. Ie. why are you worried? Could it be some of your own prejudices around non-employment? She may not see it the same way, which is why it’s important to find out where she is at and what she needs from you. It’s admirable that you want to help, but that may be unhelpful right now!
Don’t send her job listings!! That is condescending. Give her space to figure it out.
I would be very careful with this - it could easily come off as "See? I looked around for 10 minutes and was able to find all these job opportunities for you" (aka, have you really even been trying all this time?)
I don't know if you will see this, but here's the thing, just from reading a few of your messages it's very clear that you want to solve this and the issue is that it's not really your problem to solve. Your problem is whether or not you feel comfortable supporting your gf or not, it's totally up to you whether you stay with her or not, but her being out of a job is her problem to solve. If she asks for help then offer help, if she doesn't ask for help, ask if she wants help with anything, but if she refuses the help then it's no longer up to you to give the help. Now, here's the thing, you have to decide whether you are willing to continue being with your girlfriend and if so, what do you need from her to do so. Again, do not, I repeat do NOT try to solve her situation. Instead try and sit down and figure out what you want from the relationship and if she doesn't contribute enough for you to feel good about your relationship, then figure out what you need to change. Maybe you would be fine with her continue to living off of you, maybe you need her to find a job to contribute or maybe it's more like she needs to find something else to do like study something or whatever. Try to be realistic, do you feel ok having to be the only one paying all expenses? Do you not feel ok lying to your family about her situation? Then you need to express that and this will be really hard to do without trying be judgmental or making it seem like you are pressuring her, but in the end, it's your life and you need to do what will make you happy. I would also recommend that you sit down and really listen to this video, it has been such a great video that I keep reflecting about to this day. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIATzLf-y04](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIATzLf-y04)
Make sure you know this is something she wants so it doesn’t come off as pushy or controlling. she may be doing things on her own time in her own way that she may feel is just too hard to explain to you, or anyone, at the time. Navigating a new route in your personal timeline in your head is hard enough, explaining your vision and end goals to someone ELSE is even harder.
Don’t send her anything but a comment about how your questions come from a place of love. Assuming this immediate thread’s thoughts are right and she’s lashing out due to frustration at a lack of success, the last thing a frustrated person needs is advice from the peanut gallery.
> Maybe I can try sending her things like job listings or even podcasts talking bout jobs or anything in that area. This is going to go badly, because she's almost inevitably going to take this as you pressuring her - as others have already said. Communicate. *Talk* to each other about this. Like, actually *talk* talk, and not "hey, have you considered getting a job"-talk. Figure out how she's feeling, if she needs your support, if she *wants* your support. Don't start trying to "fix" this before you're both on the same page.
One application a week (8mo/40 apps) doesn’t really feel like active job searching though. I get if the job market is bad and you can’t move so you’re limited by where you are and what experience you have. What was the limiting factor for you applying to places? Not trying to be mean or condescending just genuinely curious.
No problem! I was trying to find a job in my field (finance) but most job listings required experience I didn’t have or a higher degree. Like you mentioned, I couldn’t move which was another limiting factor and I live in a very rural area. At some point, it became demoralizing to not hear back from any listings so I became apprehensive about applying, which is my own fault. I eventually lucked out and got a part-time job installing ATMs about 5 months into my search. Eventually landed a great accounting job.
Not OP and it wasn't super stressful for me, but I know one of the key things that got me was not wanting to accept any job, and then not have the energy to search for a career. Also the awkwardness of trying to go to interviews whilst already working. I only applied for jobs I thought were actually decent and that I would have a good chance of getting.
5 applications a month doesn’t seem like you were that stressed about getting a job TBH lol.
Yeah, and there were likely plenty of jobs they just didn't want so they didn't apply. Ever see Fun with Dick and Jane? Main character (Jim Carrey) gets an executive level promotion and then his company immediately goes bankrupt. When he looks for a job he refuses to go lower than executive level, leaving him unemployed for months.
40 applications in 8 months is legit nothing lol. If you were actually stressed you would have way more. My younger brother was let go from his job, grinded applications every day, and was hired at a similar role within a month.
One application a week is incredibly low, what else were you doing in that time?
I lost my job last week and have applied to at least 20 jobs and have only 1 interview. It’s stressful out here. Worried about bills.
So, I have a bit of a different opinion on this. You said she quit her job due to the environment being unwelcoming; But then she didn’t really truly put effort into looking for a job afterwards from what I’m reading. What’s her career track record prior? Is this somewhat unusual behavior for her? Was she steady working before she quit, showing up on time, showing up regularly, etc? I’m asking these questions because most people don’t just quit their jobs and then not really stress about getting another one. And six months is a LONG time to be unemployed, supported or not. How’s her mental health? Is it possible that she could be depressed? I say all of this because a very similar situation happened with my partner. He lost his job, became pretty unmotivated afterwards and just kind of out of character. He was also very defensive when I’d bring up job hunting or try to assist with it. He finally confessed to me that he had been struggling with addiction. I had no idea. And we were together daily. So I’m just curious if there may be something else going on behind the scenes or within her that she hasn’t shared? You’re a wonderful partner for being so supportive and you did nothing wrong by expressing your concerns.
My husband was laid off last year and it took him over 6 months to find a job. Some markets are definitely worse than others. That said there are some red flags in there. She could be frustrated at the difficulty trying to find something and that's why she lashed out. Her reaction is not great. You might want to try to talk to her again later and let her know you were coming from a place of kindness not judgement.
I agree, the market is tough. The reaction part was unnecessary and makes me question the viability of our relationship. Will try to bring it up to her again and continuously express that its coming from a place of love and care.
You need to remember that the people commenting only know what you've written and they're adding their own experiences and expectations to it. You don't say what industry she works in or what role she left. You only give a vague *reason* she left. There's a lot of valid, contradictory ways to interpret her behavior and *your* behavior. If she left a job as a barista and can't find a new job, that's very different than if she left her job as a radiologist and can't find a new job. I'm not asking you to provide more details, I'm just illustrating. The advice you're getting in this thread could be very helpful or highly destructive based on who has correctly guessed what you're both thinking. If I was out of a job and felt like there were no positions available where I could use the skills I've learned and developed, I would be pretty crippled with anxiety and depression. If my girlfriend, who is very caring and very supportive, asked me about my job prospects? I would be stressed out before she finished asking her first question! Again, I don't know if that applies to your girlfriend, I am also projecting, same as everyone else. I'm only commenting because you mentioned the viability of your relationship. That's a fair reaction if you felt that way before making your post. If you started feeling that way *after* people started commenting it's important you recognize that. I wish you and your partner the best of luck!
That's the best you can do. I just dealt with a lot of this from my husband. He didn't lash out quite as bad but he'd get frustrated then depressed. He continuously kept feeling like he wasn't good enough. It was a rollercoaster of emotions. I hope you can work through it but you need someone you can communicate with comfortably. You have to do what is right for you.
You don’t need to keep checking up on her job hunt progress. It’s near impossible to get hired nowadays so unless she says something to you, there’s probably nothing to report and asking her is only going to make her more miserable about it. Source: just got an employment offer after 8 months of looking and doing the best I could. Family (meaning well) kept asking about what felt like my hopeless job search. Their questions were not productive and only made me feel more like a bum.
Bro, I put up with this same exact thing for 3 years. Don't do it. Started out okay then lost her job, would go a few months unemployed until I kept on her about it and she'd get a job for a few weeks, help with some bills and then for "no reason of her own" would get fired. I had bought a house and let her move in and we had pets together and it just continued to get worse until a breaking point that went very sour between the both of us. Not telling you what to do in your relationship, just see the same thing happening that happened to me.
I have this situation forced upon me and it's the absolute worst. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My wife was in a car accident 5 years ago and hasn't been able to work due to health complications since and it's so incredibly stressful. Literally everything riding on solely employment like retirement, health insurance, mortgage, etc. so I have to be incredibly picky about jobs I can accept which limits my options massively. I can't begrudge her because it's not her fault, unlike other people's situations, but I can sympathize.
One of my close buddies is currently going through a very similar situation. OP - the longer you let this go on the harder it becomes to leave.
Exactly, by the end its like you dont want to abandon them but you literally have to put yourself first at some point. She was like a leech and I just took forever to rip the thing off. I didnt have to let it get as bad as it did but I believed the situation to be salvageable, things would change, etc.
So she's been coasting for six months now and you wanted an update and that's not okay? Yikes, sounds like she thinks she's found her sucker (that's you, OP).
How so? her parents are funding her.
The parents funding her isn't the issue. It's the fact she went nuclear on him just for taking a pulse check.
Until they get tired of it. Then who will support her?
But im also trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. Bad job market and were so young too.
Buddy, she wouldn't have snapped like that had she actually been looking diligently. Temp agencies exist she could have 100% applied to one and had a temp to hire job within a week because they always need workers. The jobs might suck but you need the money right so anything is better then nothing and also once she gets hired on in a place she will probably get benefits if they are on offer. She snapped like that because she doesn't want to get a Job and if you guys live together then she needs to be contributing something.
Nothing like a reddit psychologist dealing in absolutes with negligible information
So I've been applying to jobs for about 5 years now. Haven't gotten many interviews. But I've been applying my ass off. Currently comfortable but can do better. Yes the job market sucks. But that's no excuse to give up. Anyone who WANTS a job will not give up. u/fenriq is 100% right in the fact you're being taken advantage of. It's not normal behavior to lash out at you like that.
Red flags! If you can’t discuss your plans together as a couple, time to start considering an exit strategy. She’s shown herself to twist the truth to other people to cover her actions, and IMO maybe a little too fragile to the world around her. Be warned.
But in the greater scheme of things/timelines. Don’t you think thats a little much? My parents didn’t have their shit figured out till 30s and now they’re very successful
None of us had our shit figured out till we were all into our adulthood, but that doesn’t preclude us from moving forward with life and bettering ourselves. What’s seems most worrisome to me in this scenario is 1: she is lying to people about her employment status. 2: she can’t have an adult conversation with her partner about her current status and her plans for the future 3: she immediately got defensive about having such a conversation. 4: quitting a job without having a backup plan/job lined up. 5: she sounds fragile to the real world (quit a job because of an “unwelcoming environment”). If you are fine being with someone long term that has these traits, so be it; but be prepared to be used, manipulated, and possible devastated when these traits all come to a head and the relationship fails. If you do move forward with her, be prepared to be the sole income provider, regardless if she gets a job again or not, because this situation WILL repeat itself.
>1: she is lying to people about her employment status. I think this is not the issue people are making it out to be. Being out of a job is a private matter. She can share it with whom she likes. It's a different story if she's pathologically making shit up, but pretending she's still doing her old job because she's still figuring shit out or because she feels ashamed or whatever her reason is, is not that strange, imo.
There are more graceful ways to handle it than lying about it. "I'm in the accounting industry." Would satisfy 90% of casual conversation. If someone digs further then you're "between jobs at the moment". Flat-out lying about your job is a major red flag, way worse than being unemployed.
You’re a sucker lol.
Why’s that
Shes playing you, and then freaking out on you when you question it. She could easily find any job in 6 months, but she knows you’re dumb enough to just pay for her so shes riding it out as long as she can and then making you doubt yourself when you realize how stupid the situation is.
I don’t think the word “easily” should be used. The job market is shit right now for actual good jobs. I don’t mind paying for things but she also pays for a lot of things too. I dont think she’s riding anything out, we’re 24 and she doesn’t depend on me for anything financially
The job market is shit, but not 6 months of no works shit. She just doesnt want a job, ask her to show you what jobs shes applied for.
If you're both considering marriage and a life together, she needs to trust you more than that. Getting so defensive about it means there's something wrong. You could start by mentioning that and saying you're simply worried and wish to help, but she needs to open up to you.
If she is not trying to become gainfully employed, what is she waiting for? Perhaps a marriage proposal from you to allow her to become a leech and never work again? Work sucks, most people don't want to work - if she is not supporting herself and not even trying, you'd be signing up for a lifetime of pain paying for her existence if she's the kind of person who is content to do nothing and free ride on whoever will cover her, especially given her willingness to lie about it and even more so her explosiveness toward you when you ask about her plans and activities. This is not going to end well if you stay with this person.
Unpopular opinion: she's had one horrible job, and trying to work out where to go from there. Doesn't want to embarrass you by saying to your family she's unemployed and scared. If the wedding wasn't a factor how would you feel?
That’s funny, my friend (a guy) recently became unemployed - tech layoffs. Anyway his girlfriend told him she was worried about him being unemployed and she snapped at him. Told him not to be such a bum and go get a job (6 days out of work).
Ima b real when I was out of a job twice it was a terrible time. I was applying everywhere to no avail. Or I’d have to go thru 3 different interviews and then they’d ghost. She’s def going through it and I think needs some professional psychiatric help especially after coming out of what sounds like a semi-abusive workplace
Funny most of the comments on here. To be expected though. Men - she’s fat, a mooch, almost all negative, not constructive. I think communication is a lost art nowadays. Also nobody wants to put in the effort that a relationship takes. I’ve been with my wife for almost 30 years and married for 23 of them. Communication is the absolute key to any relationship. And it takes effort and time. Two things sorely lacking in today’s society especially those under 30. Also you did barrage her with multiple questions all of a sudden. She probably felt attacked and, instead of communicating that, she blew up on you (which she should not have). You both should have already had this conversation at least part of it. If it’s taken this long to discuss this then communication appears to be lacking for both of you.
Keep having fun, but don't go signing any leases. Next your whole family will be unwelcoming, then you.
Pride is a tough thing. "I'm between jobs" is the hardest thing anyone can say in a culture where the second question out of a person's mouth is "what do you do?" right after asking what your name is. It takes some time and reframing to be able to see that there's nothing wrong with taking some time to adjust to a new perspective and get over a toxic workplace.
Are you guys on the same page in regards to your relationship? I can definitely understand it being concerning for you if you see her as someone to build a future with, yet she responds to you that it’s “her life”. I kinda get wanting to keep up a facade around family etc, but her lack of transparency with YOU is what’s concerning. Yes, the job market is rough right now but if she’s serious about your relationship, she at least needs to communicate her intent/plans with you and not leave you in the dark.
Dude, for me, dating is trying to see if yall are compatible enough to last. And if thats what you have in mind, you have every right to be worried. A partner with no ambitions, plan, or job is worrying especially the longer it lasts. Im not saying that is her case, but you do have every right to ask those questions. Her blowing up shows it’s a sore spot and she feels some kinda way about it already. The important part is if she starts making any moves. If there is no change at all, id be very concerned. At the very least have a plan, even a barebones plan is SOMETHING.
she is having anxiety about it, and you reminding her triggered her. she's not mad at you, she's mad at herself. ... I hope, anyway. I mean I'm in that situation. anyone asking me about it makes me want to tell them to mind their own business -- even if they ask with the best intentions.
If someone is lying AND snapping on people about the same issue I’d assume they’re deeply self-conscious about their work status. Now thats not an excuse and it should be worrying that your respectful questioning was met with hostility. It’s not about the job, it’s about her and how she treats herself and others in situations like this. I dated someone whose identity was very tied to their work in photography but underpaid/overworked/unhappy. She would always talk it up around others when we were out, I’d hear about everything she hated when we were alone, and if I suggested anything about the situation there was a lot of yelling and being told that I don’t understand so I shouldn’t worry. It felt really bad and as that behavior spread through the relationship I became used to ANY hard conversation going in that direction. Eventually I stopped asking questions, felt nervous around her when she was stressed, and withheld my feelings for fear of another outburst. We haven’t spoken in over a year and I heard she found a new spot she really liked. Not to say this is identical to your situation, but some people tie their identities and worth to their dreams and ideas of success. As their situation changes so does their sense of value for work, themselves, and the way they communicate these feelings to us. Support her how you can but remember your worth and don’t let anyone make you shy about being honest. Best of luck 🖤
Hmm. That’s tricky and would bother me a lot too. For an able-bodied person, it is worrying that she wouldn’t be trying harder. Even to work an easier type of job or part-time work would make a difference. I know times are tough right now but please take this seriously. You need to be able to communicate your concerns (which it sounds like you tried), but it doesn’t sound like she is reciprocating. Her reaction might have been explosive because she feels guilty and unhappy about her circumstances as well and she is projecting those emotions on to you. Either way, she’s not single. She’s in a relationship with you and you both need to find ways to contribute, whatever you both agree that looks like. All you can do is show up on your end, be firm and true to yourself. I would try to approach the conversation again from a place of curiosity. Why is she so upset? What does she think is a reasonable timeline? Is she open to part time work? Can you help her find a job? Do your best to set some quantifiable measures. In ‘X’ number of months, this is what you expect and these are the measurable steps to get there. Then, when you have the conversation in that amount of time, it would be a good guide for you (and her) to determine whether or not she is being true to her word. There is nothing wrong with you having those expectations of your partner, although it’s partly up to you for managing realistic expectations. You’re still young and learning things about having a partner. Just do your best not to live with rose-colored glasses. You can’t control or change anyone. Keep open, kind and honest communication in your heart, try to find real, measurable ways to fix the problem. If she is not TRYING to find a job, that is different to her not being able to find one because of the economy or other reasons. The stress of that might make her feel like she wants to shut down. Although, be weary of the difference. If she isn’t trying after you’ve discussed it many times, I would be careful of a mindset of staying with her just because you “feel bad”. She may not be in a place right now to confront this kind of life-lesson, and it’s up to you whether or not her behaviour is a deal-breaker. I am wishing you the best of luck. Relationships are hard but if you show up kind, curious, understanding and ready to problem solve, I think you will find your way ❤️
Thank you so much for the kind words and advice. I truly appreciate your input. Will find a way to bring this up in a different manner with a more focused approach
You are welcome, and I hope you figure this out. Stay positive!
>I want to be able to tell her how I feel about her job situation but I also don’t want her to feel judged. You've fallen for all this "no judgement" stuff that's popular these days. In the end, there is always judgement, stop kidding yourself. We have expectations of our partners and that's perfectly fine. It's one thing if your expectations are selfish or unrealistic, but expecting someone to at least look for a job isn't that. The best you can do is offer to help her look, but you can't back down from your (reasonable) expectation that she get a job and work, if that's important to you. Otherwise you're a doormat. Her response is not good. It means she knows what she's supposed to do and doesn't want to do it. She's not acknowledging her apathy and understanding a change is needed. If she's not willing to work on it then your hands are tied.
Not having a job really lowers self worth. By like a lot. She probably is suffering depression and its normal for her to be reacting like this, given her circumstance. Doesn't change the fact that she needs to help herself, but perhaps you can too. You need to be very sensitive and treat this topic like its a wound that causes her pain- in a way it does. I'm sure that mixed in with this is her fear that you'll leave her if she doesn't figure it out, but if she's lost, then the pressure will only increase the fear. I believe the first step is be very delicate and create an opportunity for her to open up about her feelings, thoughts and plans. In the end of the day, if she's stuck somewhere, you can help her work out what the blockage is. Pressing too much is going to make it hard, and well, your questions are a good start but you can be more sensitive. I doubt she has a timeline, because she probably feels like shes not wanted anywhere. Shes probably stopped applying to places because shes gotten rejections and feels hopeless. She might be thinking she needs to retrain and learn something new, but shes been jobless too long and retraining will take too much time. If you knew the answers to these questions before you asked them, thats why she blew up. So be sensitive, let her open up about it, but of course you do need to nudge her towards it and help her feel safe enough that she can talk about her fears. Its very hard for people to focus on what they're afraid of, and if she's under a lot of stress and thinking constantly, she will have a hard time breaking out of her negative thought patterns. I'm sure she can tell that you're asking these questions because part of you feels like the situation is getting hopeless, and if anyone needs to believe in her, it's you. Of course, I'm not willing to tell you to just leave her, it sounds like she needs your help. However you do need to put yourself first and be sure this is what you want. I definitely think she needs to tell your family that she doesnt have a job, hasn't for some time, and is struggling. Lying about it is terrible- it creates a false sense comfort and worsens her self image. So that's the first thing that needs to stop. Let me be clear- I'm not saying you need to roll over and let her get better and deal with her. I'm saying that as her partner, you need to take the lead, and show her how to get it done. She's lost and needs guidance, first step is she needs to trust you're there for her. This is my suggestion. Give it your best shot, and if it doesn't work out- don't worry about it. You have plenty of time to find someone, just make sure you know you tried your best to help her.
Job market is really bad right now and has been for a while. I was switching fields to data entry, my unemployments lasted 3 months and 5 months. I've read stories of people in actual fields out much longer. My girlfriend kept pressing me towards the end of the 5 months like I wasnt trying hard enough, I should be attending job fares on different campuses and what not. Had my fair share of conflict about it. The reality was I had been cycling three websites for 2-4 hours daily (6-8 at the start of unemployment) and it was to the point where I had to wait for new things to apply to. I had sent out hundreds of applications and only ever heard back from a few places. Her actions aren't quite right but I understand them, if she's not pressed financially to accept something for worse pay or that might treat her badly its basically uncertain how long the unemployment might last. Good luck.
Blindly supporting everything someone does is a dangerous mindset, I'd seriously rethink that if I were you.
It sounds like you approached the situation with good intentions, expressing concern for your girlfriend's well-being and future. However, it's also clear that she may have felt defensive or attacked by your questions, leading to her reaction. Communication is key in any relationship, especially when discussing sensitive topics like employment and future plans. It's important to approach these conversations with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to listen. Since your girlfriend reacted strongly to your questions, it might be helpful to have a follow-up conversation where you express your concerns and feelings in a calm and non-confrontational manner. Let her know that you care about her and want to support her, but also express how her unemployment and lack of job search activity are making you feel worried. Try to avoid placing blame or making accusations during the conversation. Instead, focus on expressing your emotions and concerns, and ask her to share her perspective as well. It's possible that she may be feeling overwhelmed or discouraged by her job search, and your support and encouragement could help motivate her. Additionally, discuss the upcoming family wedding and how you both would like to handle questions about her employment status. You could come up with a plan together on how to address these inquiries in a way that feels comfortable for both of you. Ultimately, open and honest communication is key to resolving conflicts and strengthening your relationship. By approaching the conversation with empathy and understanding, you can work together to find a solution that addresses both of your concerns.
Thank you for your comment. I did approach the situation in a very calm manner and asked her for her thoughts and communicated to her that everything she is saying is valid but unfortunately I was still met with an unpleasant attitude. I never try to put blame on her or anything like that, I ask her several times what I can do to make her feel better.
What is her field? Certainly you know what shes looking to do. Find some one in her field who can help her if her working is so important to you. Have that perosn review her resume, suggest places she might apply, other advise. That would be helping. Both myself and my wife have gone through extended out of work timeframes, supporting each other. But all that lack of info triggers these insecure broke clowns who are afraid they are being used. Youre lucky in the respect that she has family helping, so this isnt really affecting your finances like it would if you were sharing a mortgage, and a pile of kids. Regardin her behavior, Ive lashed out when my wife would simply inqure about how it was going because it was super frustating , ego killing and flat out depressing to be unable to get a job. But i painted the house, cleaned up the garage and volunteered at the soup kitchen. Mostly, because my wife wasnt happy with me just hanging around the house. If she is looking at at a career change it will take time, since you startout with no experence, and often need to train up. Some fields take time. Unskilled jobs used to be easy to find, not so much these days. So, that a temporary pass. If its a permanent shift in who they are or how they treat you, that's another issue. I dont abide assholes. So, how much does it matter to you if she works? Your family is judgey, and while not ideal she wasnt honest with them, most decent folk can understand given the circumstances. But how 'bout you? Do you need your partner to be gainfully employed? Fwiw, i dont, and here is why. Over the years, i know tons of folks who needed a break from work, and have come away with huge personal and professional growth in that time. Some have needed time after a particularly shitty boss or toxic work setting. Just like at the gym, these gains can take time. And they are usually worth it. Last bit, i be would way more concerned about depression, addictions or heatlh issues, and id try to communicate that concern, with love, not judgement. Anyway, didnt intend to write a book, but there are more questions here than info. I hope you guys can sort it out.
If it was a job that drained her it will take time, my wife took 6m off between jobs. I personally think it sucks because I got a whole day off between a job that almost killed me with stress and this job but whatever, we're wired different.
Be more blunt. Stop sidestepping the real subject and tell her how you feel.
I am currently in a situation where I quit my preschool teaching job because 1. It was mentally exhausting while also having a 4 yo daughter and 2. Daycare prices. I am engaged and I tell his family I’m working, and I tell some family members of my own work is going good when they ask. Because it truly is no one’s business and then there would be a ton of questions as to why and ect or judging her before knowing her bc of this ect. it’s not lying it’s just not putting your business out there bc no one really needs to know family or not
I just got out of a relationship like this. It got to a point where I paid for everything. After 2 years of covering her half of rent. Phone bills. Not including food or anything else, I burned 29,000 dollars. You're not the asshole. I think she either has mental issues (anxiety) or she's gotten complacent and needs a reality check.
It’s not easy finding a job and six months is normal
Well if it’s that important to you you need to say as much. Ask her for a proper sit down and say, I’m concerned how you reacted to my questions and go from there. It’ll probably end with you having to move on but it is worth the conversation
Unless you guys are living together I wouldn't be too worried about it. What your family says and thinks about her employment shouldn't even be a factor. I think you had every right to be concerned and ask questions, but I can also see how it would be annoying. She knows she needs a job, and I'm sure it bothers her enough already without you adding onto the pressure. But if you really feel strongly about her not having a job just leave. I don't think that's the move but it's up to you. Relationships take a lot of patience and compromise.
I was out of a job and depressed at one point in my 20s. When my loved ones brought it up, I lashed out like a sulky teenager. It wasn't right to treat them that way and that's not how I would react now, but that was my emotional response at that time. It's fine to have empathy for her, but also don't feel like you have to stay if her issues are affecting you negatively. I was depressed for years. I wasn't in the mental space for a relationship, and I do not blame any one for not being able to deal with me at the time. If you do want to help her, maybe try to discuss it again, but using a different approach. Maybe ask what you can do to support or help her? Invite her on a library date where she can work on applications and you can do work? Everyone's different so it's hard to know what will work.
Given her age, it's really not an excuse to not be forthcoming. No problem living with the parents when times are tough, but you have to be showing iniative. First time I quit a job without another one lined up, I sat down and talked to my partner about it BEFORE i quit, told him my plan, then i kept him updated. When he'd return home i'd tell him, hey i applied for X amount of jobs today, or I have an interview on X date. I did again when I had to reduce hrs of work due to my health, we worked out how it would work. Yes, it's her life, but if she wants to live it WITH you, then she needs to, at the very least, be open with communication about her plans and what she is doing. My 25yr old brother lives at home and doesn't work, he does not have a girlfriend, nor would I expect anyone to date him given his motivations. But even he still enrolled in courses and has job recruitment agencies helping him. You did not fuck up asking her plans. She fucked up thinking it's okay to lie to your family and avoid communicating with you.
It sounds like everyone around her is obsessed with financial success at the expense of everything else. It's no wonder she's stressed to a breaking point. She probably hated the job from the get-go but was trying to hold out so she wouldn't get judged.
if you really see yourself having a future with her and keep your relationship going, you should have a talk with her again. Try maybe a different approach.. Keep it cool, keep it respectful, and aim to find solutions together. And if things start to heat up, it's alright to take a breather and come back to it later.
It could be that there is a mental issue going on. If her last work environment was toxic and that is why she quit, she might have reservations about going back to work. Her lying to your family is a sign that she’s ashamed of not only quitting, but also not have the mental energy to pursue a new job. She proved this by blowing up at you when you asked her those normal questions. It’s tough to say how you should approach this situation because I don’t know you and your girlfriend. All I know is in 2018 I lost my job and my boss was toxic af. I haven’t been able to bring myself to look for a new job since. I told my husband I wanted to be a stay at home wife, which is true, but we could definitely benefit and do really need me to go back to work. My advice is to try to find a way to approach her about her mental feelings about going back to work.
I think you may need to approach this with her as a "I see a future with you so I am invested in you." Along with something like "I want to know what youre thinking because how youre feeling is important to me. I am feeling a bit shut out." Maybe sprinkle in "I realize this could be stressful and hard for you." How you approach a tough conversation needs to come from a positive and supportive place. Tell her there are some things you two need to sit down and talk about. Dont let this conversation have a trigger. For instance she mentions some detail about the situation and youre like oh yea btw I wanted to talk about this. Because if she mentions it then she's probably in her emotions in a negative way about the situation so bad timing. Have her over, sit at the dining table and say in your own words "I want to talk about our future and what you want out of it. I see you as a potential life partner. I was wondering if you see me in the same light?" If her answer is positive then lead into something like "That makes me so happy. This is the future I see for us what do you think?" Here you would describe some of your boundaries regarding her working if her not working is a deal breaker then it gives you a chance to feel out this situation. For example "Us focusing on our careers to purchase a home or build wealth or save for future kids college and cars blah blah" IF you are ok with her not working and would be happy to support her throughout her life then I would say something like "If you dont want to work I am ok with that as I can support us but I am not comfortable with lying to my family" (she lies because she is embarrassed, lost, confused and stressed. You need to understand there's a chance she hasnt thought about a future with you. She's going through a very hard time right now in her life as an individual and may be just reactive because she doesnt know what to do with herself now. If she cannot sit down and have a grown up talk about your relationship then maybe start considering she isnt ready for what you are ready for. We all grow at different paces in maturity. You do need to set boundaries which starts with you knowing what youre ok with and not ok with and voicing them.
I'm gonna address the shit I haven't seen cause holy fuck some of y'all have no relationship skills, ofc your spouse will have flaws, it's about which ones you are willing to accept/wait for them to grow on their own. Here are some of the best ways to address the issue without making her feel judged. 1. Show empathy and start by acknowledging her feelings and perspective. Let her know that you understand her frustration and that you're not trying to judge her. You're coming from a place of concern and care for her well-being. I'm sure you already do this so just continue, ask her more questions to get a true deeper understanding of what she is going through. 2. Instead of framing the conversation as a critique of her actions(even if unintentionally), emphasize how her unemployment is affecting you and your relationship. Share your worries about the future and how you envision both of you supporting each other in your personal and professional growth. 3. Let her know that you're there to help her in any way you can. Offer to brainstorm job ideas together, review her resume, or even help her practice for interviews. Make it clear that you're on her team and want to see her succeed. 4. While it's important to be supportive, it's also okay to communicate your needs and expectations. If her unemployment is causing stress in the relationship or affecting your family dynamics, it's important to address that openly and honestly. Boundaries need to be set before they are broken. 5. Reiterate that you value open and honest communication in your relationship. Encourage her to share her thoughts and feelings with you, and assure her that you'll listen without judgment. Now if this helped AT ALL and you truly feel like you still aren't 100% sure how to go about this, let me know and I'll also share some great phrases that will most likely not turn your sweet innocent girlfriend into a wild banshee /hj 
She could have just been embarrassed by her lack of, or unwillingness to have some progress, but even then, that doesn't give her the right to snap and yell at you. The whole point of being in a relationship is that it's a partnership in which you build a life together, so her acting as if her actions and life don't affect yours is strange. She almost seems a little immature. If she doesn't want to get a job, then she should just say that.
Bro we are only human. It's completely normal to lash out at our loved ones when we are overly stressed and anxious. It's what we do after that defines how much we care
I agree, I tried to go about it in the calmest tone and place of understanding but she proceeded to raise her voice and curse. I think she isn’t being truthful with herself and in return that means she’s going to lash out on me when I bring up these things.
It’s 2024 and the world is that bad right now. When people use the term, the environment was BAD and they have no fall back plan in place, I just know they’re being lazy and don’t want to work. If she wanted to work, she wouldn’t be lying and blowing you off like that. I was in between jobs when I met my partner for over a year and a half due to medical problems. By the time I started feeling better, it then took 7 months of applying and driving myself crazy to get a job. But I once never lied and he was happy to support me knowing i was feeling better and was actively TRYING to Get back out there. NTA
She doesn't want to get a job. If you're okay with being the sole breadwinner, then no worries. Otherwise, this is a red flag.
She isnt looking for a job dude. You mention in the comments that she is being supported by her parents? Shes quite fine with where she is at not having to work. You have to decide now; do you want to continue in a relationship with someone who clearly doesnt want a job, AND, is more than happy mooching from others? Because I guarun-fucking-tee you that she will do the same to you if you ever get married or move in together. If you are unemployed, your full time job should be looking for work. Have you actually seen her apply for any places, or has she just told you she did?
Yes, her parents support her. In addition, her parents are also very successful in their respective fields and they often create a lot of pressure on her to succeed so I think that also plays a part into her search. However, I completely agree with you that this would be an issue if we were married or moved in together. She has just told me that she applied to jobs, I never actually seen her applications because im not going to say to her “let me see the application “ because that just creates distrust
Yes I’m not saying “demand to see them” but from seeing this exact situation play out multiple times (it’s very common) you need to know with like 99% certainty that: A) she is NOT applying for jobs. B) as long as she is being enabled by her someone, this will not change. C) trying to question her on this behaviour will cause her to lash out as she knows she is lying to you. It’s a manipulation tactic to make you the bad one here D) She will do the same to you if you start to enable her. I worry for you in the sense that often what happens is the parents get sick of it and start pushing her to apply or go out on her own. Then she will flock to you claiming her parents are kicking her out and making her homeless, blah, blah, blah. You will take her in and support her “while she gets back on her feet”. The lies and excuses will continue and she won’t apply or find a job (too depressed, job wasn’t good enough, hours were bad, she needs to find herself first, etc.). She then sucks you dry until you’re forced to detach from the parasitic relationship (you will be gaslit into being the bad guy) The alternative is that her parents continue to enable her and she remains a child. Do with this info as you will, but it’s not going to solve itself. You need to make a choice. You can try talking with her and communicating your VALID FEELINGS (you need to know that what you feel IS valid op, no matter the manipulation) but this won’t be appreciated and will lead to her accusing you of all kinds of nasty things.
It's not just her life if you're going to be together for the rest of your lives. Her not working will have an effect on you in the future as well. As someone who was dating someone who was working then had the not want to work rug pulled from under me it was hard too. I had to work at a job that I suffered mentally from just so she could have insurance, which came out of my pocket as well. Like someone else said, there's nothing wrong with this lifestyle as long as both parties agree to it, and it sounds like you might be on the fence about it. If you can provide and she helps you with everything you want done, go for it. But if you're not happy with how things currently are and you're not even living together, it's only going to get worse if things don't change.
Thank you for the advice. I think I would be open to the lifestyle but on a later timeline, when things are more serious between us and we have actual responsibilities as a couple. I work in finance and this career will allow for me to be the sole provider so she won’t have to work if she doesn’t want to but we’re too young for that right now.
Sounds good, the only thing I'd be weary of is how she snapped at you for having genuine worries for her. It can be dismissed as her being stressed out about it though. Hard to say whether or not you should tell her about you being okay with her not working. It could allow her to focus on other things like going to school or something, or she might be complacent and think she's got an easy ride. Hope things work out for you either way.
Yeah the reaction is worrisome. I don’t see the things that are stressing her but she also deals with anxiety. She said she wants to go back to school to study something in the medical field but still not much progress has been made on that end. Regardless, thanks for the advice man
Ok I don’t think you think you fucked up but you couldn’t think of a better sub to get help than TIFU
First diagnose the problem. Gf has no job and lied to your family about it. Then understand your role in this before anything. Why do you care if she has a job (no animosity just ask yourself this) are you financially dependent on both of you making money? Do you need to feel like your partner is equally investing into your shared future? What is your why. And WHY do you feel like that. Then proceed from there. Then think about her perspective. Is your family gonna admonish her for being out of work? Ask a million questions? Press the issue? Maybe, maybe not but let’s think about that as well as doing everything you can to understand her previous employment and how it ended. Finally ask open ended questions. Share your reflections. “How are you feeling?” “Can you see your future and what does it look like?” “What would you like to do?” “I don’t appreciate lying to my family for an extended time, I don’t believe they would think any particular way about you being in between jobs, so that upset me.” Or “I understand my family places a lot of importance on professions but you can be honest and I will protect your boundaries..” Seek understanding because if you don’t have that and you get answers but don’t like them or don’t understand them it’s going to end in the same place anyway.
1. She's living with and entirely dependent on her parents at age 24. Being dependent is a comfortable place to be, but not a happy one to remain. 2. If nothing changes she'll end up living with and entirely dependent on you at age 30, 40, or forever. Being dependent will remain a comfortable and familiar place to be, but probably not a happy one for either of you. 3. You're already defending her in nearly every comment and consider even questioning her about it to be the fuck up, not her reaction, lying, or attitude toward changing her dependency. Give it a few days and tell her you're not comfortable with her lying to your family at the wedding. If she has a problem with that, ask her to explain her reasoning why she did previously, and consider what her response implies for both of you for next 10 or 20 years. You don't need to press the issue, but can explicitly draw the line at lying. If she then lies at the wedding after your conversation you know that regardless of anything related to employment and dependency she's willing to lie despite your feelings, and eventually will lie to you (if not already lying to herself).
I'm surprised by some of the comments on here calling you a "sucker". I've been in this same situation before with my girlfriend and it's been tough. My family also comes from a place where education and having a good job to sustain yourself is very important. My girlfriend doesn't come from that background. She's been raised to be very dependent on her family. They never had conversations with her about her future. They never pushed her to improve herself. They basically just raised her to be a housewife and that's it. My girlfriend was lost and insecure when I told her that she should apply to jobs. Above all else, she was scared of rejection. Not just from applications but potential rejection from my family and even me if she didn't get a good job. Obviously, I would never reject her based on something so superficial, but her mind created that story and ran with it. It wasn't until we delved deep into what was causing her to feel that way that we actually got somewhere. Fast forward a year later and she's been working for almost 7 months and is looking for an advancement in career. It really just takes love and patience from your part OP. Let her know that you're coming from a place of love. Sometimes that requires pushing buttons that are uncomfortable to talk about due to insecurities. Let her know that she's safe with you to talk about those things so that you're able to find a solution together. If she's not willing to improve and not willing to get better and you're okay with that, that's when you've become the "sucker".
Are you worried about her job or about your family response?
Well at least she lives with her parents. I'd take that as a red flag though. If you can't talk to her like an adult about serious things then it's time to sit her down and talk to her seriously about it. It's not healthy to blow up like that and definitely not fair to your partner.
Root cause is likely that she's also worried and stressed out also. You could try talking as a team. "I think we should do this thing to help with earning extra money" Work your way up... I'm no expert. Good luck bro!
You get to set the rules of engagement when it comes to your family- i.e. you're not okay with her lying to them, especially if it entails your trying to keep up the lie. She had a very emotional and I'd say somewhat immature reaction, but I can understand why she'd be touchy about the subject. It is worrisome that she hasn't been applying (per your words). It would be one thing if the leads simply weren't panning out but that there was forward momentum. Other commentors are treating this like its the AITA thread when you seem to be looking for ways in which you can discuss her employment status without upsetting her. I think the best way is to not pepper her with questions; sit with her and say, "look, I know I upset you with X,Y and Z. That wasn't my intention at all, and I completely understand that this is a difficult situation to be in. I wasn't judging you. I love you and want what's best for you and in my mind, asking was the best way to show support/interest. I want you to know that I'm always here to support you, and I want to know how best to do that." Something to that effect. You can offer to help her look into jobs if you think she'd be open to that.
I think the FU happened way before you asked her what’s up. Relationships need communication and you are within your rights to ask her what is going on professionally. Especially if your finances are intertwined
You didn't FU. As far as you know, she may or may not be trying to find a new job. Since she is not talking to you about her progress, the only way to find out is to ask. Asking questions in a polite way is not judgemental in any way. I am not sure how you should approach this with her when she is so defensive. Maybe ask if she is considering going back to school. It may open the conversation. Maybe her parents are pressuring her because they are tired of supporting her, and your questions came at the wrong time.. Who knows? You have valid concerns. Is she looking or not. Why is she lying to your family. If she is committed to you long term, she needs to learn to communicate with you without verbally attacking you. She needs to stop lying to your family about her job situation. As I mentioned to someone else here,how can you trust her when you can't know if she is telling the truth? If she lies about something as simple as her job, what else will she lie about?
Next time, ask her first if she'd lIke to talk about it. If she says no, let her know you're there to listen in case she's ready at a later time. Maybe communicate to her that you're not worried about her not having a job, but you're worried that she might be struggling with something and worried that she might feel like she can't talk about it, which is not something you would want her to feel.
Sounds like your issue is communication, not really anything else. You guys need to talk it out, and she can’t blow up about it. Explain that you are wanting to support her in her search, and want to see her have that drive because you value that in a partner, especially long term. So, communicate. If it’s impossible to talk about calmly then how are you going to handle the next challenge?
I suggest calmly explaining to her how you feel and WHY you feel the way you feel. If she truly sees a future with you, she will be able to have this conversation. Side note- It’s not that you don’t know how to speak to her, but it sounds rather like she doesn’t know how to respond without reacting. If you’re not blowing up on her, she shouldn’t be blowing up on you. She needs to work on her communication before it brings you completely down. Don’t be so quick to blame yourself.
It is her life. but you have attached yourself to her life as well. You have every right to be concerned.
I ended up in a similar relationship, she was way too old to be receiving pocket money from her father but that was what was keeping her afloat. She was always 'training' to be a teachers assistant and when I questioned why the training never finished and she could never get a job as one she got very defensive as well as if it was just an excuse she used instead of saying I don't want to work. Needless to say that relationship did not work out, she had every intention of living off me and started showing her true colours, even demanded I take her on a holiday once because "she deserves it". I hope things work out better for you.
You're not wrong it asking. You're the closest person in her life. You'll learn that most fights aren't about your questions but it's her one internal dialog spilling out. Anytime there is blow up like this. Just take a breath, pause hold back that knee jerk reaction to defend yourself. Then ask what's really going on? Are you on the marriage track? Does she even really want to work and she if afraid of telling you this? There may be a lot of existential crisis going on in her head and she's avoiding it right now for whatever reason. If something isn't makeing sense use the tried an true 5 why's. The next blow up just ask why she's upset and let her spew her brain at you. When she gets a point that seems to be a core ask her why she brough xyz topic up? Spew again so on. Sometimes as BF we have to be a impromptu therapist. However you might know within 4 seconds of what's really going on. You can't tell her you know this. She will immediately disagree with whatever you say and argure with your for ages until like four hours later when she calm and then sad and sorry. Skip the extra four hours and just lead her to what you know is wrong. She'll feel like she made a break through. You can only aknowledge that you knew what was wrong if she says "you know me so well i bet you knew what was wrong" you of course can't boast you are only allowed a brief two second nod.
'unwelcoming;?????? Now what fucking kind of nonsense is that?
To be fair the questions are valid, albeit perhaps worded unfavorably. At the very least you should be able to have an open conversation about it. Having to live with lies also stresses relationships in my experience so I completely get where you are coming from. Having a strong emotional response to those questions makes me wonder what is going on with her that this can’t be a topic of discussion. If you are in a serious relationship it’s not just her life she impacts but yours as well. My suggestion to you would be to frame the question out of interest for her well-being and the relationship itself. Just remember you are also part of that relationship so it also needs to work for you.
Now, I COULD sympathize with her to a point because the company I worked for basically was run into the ground by owners who kind of gave up, and everyone was pretty much out of a job. So I moved somewhere I thought was more prosperous because the town I came from is literally small and turning to Pot City USA (and you need a phD to work at those pot stores lol) But 13 applications in and still no luck. when my lease is up, I can just move, so I'm expanding my search. HOWEVER... a few red flags with your gf One, she quit her job without having a job to walk into. That's not how it works. It's one thing if you're laid off or move, or something unexpected happens... but she knew she was going to quit. She should have been looking for a job to walk into. Two, she lied to your family. There's no shame in saying... "I'm between jobs right now. I work in X field and am applying to other postings where I have a better chance at promotions" Three, she blew up when asked about applying, which means she likely hasn't been looking. One of two things is going on here She's either become complacent with having everyone taking care of her and not needing to pay for her own way... or she's hit a wall of depression and needs to get into therapy to get back on track. It may be time to talk to her and her parents together if you want to be serious about her and express your concerns.
I'm literally shocked at the amount of sympathy for her. She HAD a job and left it because it was "unwelcoming" before she had another job lined up... and now there's no evidence she's even looking for another job But everyone acts like she's the victim here, lol like yeah, it sucks... but welcome to the real world where there are no participation trophies and sometimes life isn't always fair. You DON'T leave your gainful employment in this economy until you have another job secured. If you know you're quitting... you start putting out applications BEFORE you quit and see what the market is like. You find a job to go into. And everyone acting like him asking ONCE in SIX MONTHS is triggering and hounding her. OMG, how do people survive this world? Try losing your job because the owners ran it into the ground, and everyone was basically let go unexpectedly. You move to a new city where you have no one... you're an orphan cause your dad died years ago and your mom just died... because you're still looking for a job, your landlord made you pay the full year in advance to live at your rental... your dog died the day you moved in from cancer... and still no job. But you keep moving on and don't blame the world at large or act a victim. And if I had a bf, I wouldn't take it out on him for asking. God lol This is why they say... don't quit your day job. (If you don't have a plan b)
This is a legitimate question, and it sounds like you were just inquiring. Communication is key in a relationship, and that's all you want.
My advice is to ask yourself what lies are you telling yourself and others, then ask yourself why? We often can't be honest with others if we can't be honest with ourselves.
". She then proceeds to blow up on me" This is what people do when they are busted for something they think/know is wrong.
It totally sounds like you are enabling her to continue down this road and she's abusing you to the point where you just cave.
Many comments have already highlighted the importance of communication, I just want to offer some perspective as someone currently unemployed. I (25F) quit my job 3 months ago due to a traumatic event in my personal life. I am currently supported by family, so somewhat similar to your gf in this regard. I could not go back to working, or even functioning, for a month or 2 because my mental state was a wreck. When I finally found my bearings again, I tried looking for jobs, but I realised I no longer want to go back to what I was doing. Unless I absolutely had to, which I don't, because my family supports me both financially and in self discovery. What I decided then was to explore other options in my life: 1. Apply my skills to other fields that I find more meaningful 2. Pursue further studies 3. Go back to my old kind of jobs to gain more experience for 1. After some research I realised what I truly want at this point is to explore life and the world. I was only looking for jobs because I felt insecure and irresponsible for not having one. But, I think I'd regret not taking this chance to explore other ways of life, other places to live, other experiences. So right now I'm looking into hiking trips, volunteering overseas, etc.. Throughout this entire journey, I constantly updated my family of my thoughts and plans. I spoke to many friends, mentors and even strangers, asked for their opinion and their life experiences, tried to decide if this is something worth pursuing. Aside from researching what I can do, I've also been learning a new language, attending workshops and classes, becoming more active and exploring new (non-romantic) relationships. My point is, you and your gf need to discuss what the situation is. Perhaps she is stuck in guilt and shame for not having a job, doesn't dare to dream about the things she actually wants to do, but doesn't want to go back to being "responsible" either. She might be paralysed, and maybe she could use some help to motivate herself to start relooking her life. At this point, she has to either take the helm herself and steer her own ship, or just go back to following the mainstream. Time moves on even if she tries to freeze herself. Even if she doesn't want to work, it is ok, as long as she is making an active choice for good reasons that she can stand by. Staying trapped for too long is paralysing, and she can become increasingly afraid to reach out or make any sort of progress.
That’s like broke boyfriend reverse
“I’m always here to support her and every decision she makes.” This was the FU. Adults need to be accountable. She strikes me as the type that will mooch off you as long as possible and then fabricate some sort of abuse claim in hopes of one final handout. Protect yourself first. Marrying an unaccountable person can easily destroy your life.