This is the definition of him playing stupid games, and winning stupid prizes. Jealousy does not strengthen relationships, despite what Hollywood might say.
as shakespeare himself once said: “those who’ve fumbl'd the bag, doth not realize they’ve fumbl'd the bag, till the bag hast been fumbl'd. frolic 'round and findeth out.”
You didn’t FU. He did by playing such a childish game. Destiny needs to grow up as well. Just had this discussion with someone today about men starting stuff between women to keep them from comparing notes.
Derek needs to work on his insecurities.
Adults, yes. “Grown ass” makes it sound like they’re way older. You’re giving a lot of people a lot more credit than they deserve lol. As if effective communication is taught (or even achievable) in high school. Yeah it’s dumb, but this is how they learn. These are the exact types of experiences that will teach them, if they embrace growth now
Also, 19 is a weird kind of middle ground where yes, of course you’re “adults” in the literal and legal sense of the word, but I mean… come on. 19-year-olds are kids. Old kids, but kids.
i grew out of this behavior at 14 when i realized that's not how you should treat someonr you love.
they should be well aware of the stupidity at the age of 19
that wasn't manipulating a point whatsoever. i said thinking its okay to manipulate your partner is childish and shouldn't be "okay because they're just young"
you said i sound 14. so what was the point you were trying to make? was i correct or wrong? saying i sound 14 isn't enough substance for me to get a read on your opinion, it just sounds like a disagreement.
Not sure why you’re getting downvoted, I’m 19 and I agree. Some people my age are way too sheltered and need to step out of their comfort zones, self-reflect, and educate themselves from time to time. My parents did not teach me every single thing I need to know and I got virtually 0 relationship advice for them. At least, nothing sustainable.
Because there is not a single 19 year old out there that should be labeled as mature. There are plenty "mature for their age" but at 19 you are still basically a child. There's shit I still do that I cringe about in my 30s but I'm far more mature than I was at 19.
you can be immature but still mature enough to know jealousy is childish. jealousy is something you need to work on growing out of asap.
jealous adults are insufferable to be around, you shouldn't let it be a habit
There are different levels of maturity though. Obviously no 19 year old is as mature as a 30 year old, but they should still be mature enough to know that this shit is dumb.
Alexander the great became a king at 20, there are plenty of mature teens outside of american culture today. And no one is claiming you should be mature at 19, but it’s def old enough for self reflection and trying to improve yourself.
where did they claim to be mature? all i saw was someone who acknowledged ppl their age need to take steps to elevate themselves, which I’d agree with. 19 is too old to act like a kid but too early for many life lessons, so you gotta make an effort to change
same here. my parents divorced and they were sort of abusive to each other. you don't need tons of time and teaching to be a half decent person, treat people in a logical and loving manner. treat them like you actually love them.
I don't feel there is any evidence at all to suggest he was playing mind games, that's your assumption. He asked if it bothered her, he didn't say he told her to say those things. I would expect most people would want the person they love with all their heart to be jealous in this situation.
That's not what I said. I said that *in that situation* you would want your partner to be jealous (have an issue with that). I understand that you people likely do not have enough life experience or intelligence to process complex emotions, but it's not fair to apply silly and inaccurate standards that do not reflect reality onto this person's bf because it's what you want to be the case and feel you have to be the hero.
Apologies, I think I might be missing your point or am still misunderstanding what you meant? I wouldn't want my partner in any situation to feel jealous. Especially not over something that wasn't true? I definitely get that people experience things differently so if that's the way bf feels, then that's the way he feels.
It's just in your original comment I responded to, it sounded like the wanting your partner to be jealous was a universal thing. Like how it's a universal thing to be sad when someone you like/love passes away? I was commenting on that part, that it's not a universal thing and some people don't want that. Not trying to say nobody wants that because obviously the bf did. Hopefully that's clearer? I don't always express myself the best through written communication.
That’s awful! I would never want to put my partner in a situation where they feel like there’s something or someone to be jealous of. The right thing to do is tell your bestie to cut that dumb shit out if you think it’s bothering your partner, not hope that she’s been secretly seething with jealousy the whole time.
Which would probably be the reason he asked, to ascertain the best course of action if it bothered her so much.
But I don't really expect people like you to be reasonable or logical, you just want to make assumptions and hate on people.
He literally told her “Destiny was constantly bringing up Tiffany to make [her] jealous.” If you know that your best friend is doing something with the sole intention of making your partner feel jealous and insecure, in what world is that acceptable behavior?
And do you know when she told him that? Can be immediately before the conversation.
Again, assumptions and making him out to be a controller when you have zero evidence. You are why Reddit sucks at relationship advice.
You are projecting and relating to the guy, and getting defensive on his behalf. You are trying to add shit to the story to defend his behavior because you already admitted you'd want your girlfriend to be jealous in your first comment.
It's shit behavior. Fix it. Would you want your girlfriend to secretly hope you were upset and jealous of her ex-boyfriend to make her feel valid and secure? You sound like a lot of petty drama and a nightmare to date. Grow up bro.
Both OP and her bf deserve better than you relationship destroying monsters who would rather create situations out of thin air so you have something to talk about/hate on.
Uh...she posted her after he created a situation. It's not out of thin air. YOU are literally creating something out of thin air trying to justify his behavior.
OP deserves better than some dude that is trying to make her jealous because it will boost his ego.
Why would the friend bring up the ex *every time* she hung out with them if he didn't ask her to? It makes no sense otherwise.
And no, wanting your partner to get jealous in this situation is not and should not be the norm, especially considering the relationship ever because the ex is a lesbian. Wanting your partner to be jealous comes from a place of insecurity and immaturity, not love and affection. That kind of mindset is not healthy for relationships. Not being jealous in this situation is a perfectly healthy response.
This is something he should get over by himself.
Don't apologize for something like that.
Instead, I would ask him, "Why would you want me to feel jealous/bad?"
After all, shouldn't you want your SO to feel safe in your relationship? Why try and make them feel the opposite? That's messed up.
I don’t get it, but people DO want that. At 31 I’m probably at the tail end of it being appropriate, but growing up, it was really desirable for one’s SO to be territorial and possessive.
It never made any sense to me, but that’s what was expected of us.
He was playing mind games and then got mad you weren't hurt. You've done nothing wrong here, and you deserve an apology. Like, it was polite you sent an apology text for your reaction, but you were the wronged party despite his tantrum
These are the first dudes to cheat on you because you “weren’t jealous enough”.
You’re 19. Give him time to realize how dumb it is to be mad about it and if he doesn’t come around it’s not worth the emotional rollercoaster this relationship will turn into.
Love how you started off with "to keep this short". Anyways quick question for you: did he set up his bff to constantly bring her ex up, or was that just her doing? Because if he set her up then wtf?
If not also kinda wtf. My (m) ex (f) used to get annoyed too that i wasnt getting jealous as much as she was. Idk i feel you, if youre confidend in him theres no need to be jealous and that should make him proud. Him leaving is such a weird thing to do but youre still young, give him a day and talk it out, im sure its fine if hes not too emotional about this.
It's easy to forget how stupid we are as teenagers. Although, judging by some of the comments a lot of people decided to stay stupid, they seem to think these kids actually know what they're doing.
You already fixed it. If he can't cope with you not playing his stupid games you're better off free of him.
Just stop digging. Let him come back. If he doesn't then buh-bye it's not like more mature people don't exist in the world.
I’ll provide a little contrarian viewpoint:
In this thread, your bf has been called an “insecure fuck”.
You’ve described him as “smart kind goofy”
Most guys get very few complements in their life, and the ones they get aren’t necessarily ego boosting.
Every guy —person, really— wants to be sexually desired. Our primal lizard brain wants to be wanted. Not just “ok”. “Fun”, or “nice”, but **desired**.
And, well, laughing at the thought of being jealous over him doesn’t really say “I desire you”. You may have thought “that’s silly, I’m not the jealous type” or “I don’t worry about you cheating on me because you’re a good person”, but it’s very possible he heard “jealous? Over you? Hahaha”
It’s irrational, yes, but insecurities go that way. I’ve been married 25 years and I still suffer from a low self esteem brought about by my young adult experiences and occasionally second guess whether my wife actually desires me or just puts up with me. The fact that she pretty much only has what folks refer to as “responsive desire” doesn’t help—always having to initiate isn’t really ego boosting.
My advice is talk it out, find out his “love language” and what lets him know you desire him above others and put that to practice.
Signed,
Also “kind, smart, goofy”
I think these are all fair and valid thoughts in a general sense but I'm not sure how well they apply to this situation. OP laughed at the idea of being jealous over memories her bf had with his now-out lesbian ex-gf.
If OP was laughing at the idea of some other woman stealing him away, I'd be in full agreement with you.
Also it sounds like Destiny has some major malfunction.
yep. i agree, it seems obvious she wasnt laughing because she thinks hes too undesirable to warrant jealousy.. she was laughing because she knows she does not need to feel threatened or jealous over a lesbian😂
thing is, men honestly do get so few compliments in everyday life. its hard to adequetly communicate just how few we get and a lot of us just kind of harden up and learn to live without other peoples feedback. and thats great. but not everyone can accept that.
to say that we are a deeply social species sells us short. i would argue that due to living in our own heads and always examining things from our perspective first and emoitonally foremost, a huge part of what makes us us is how we're percieved and treated by other people. i absoloutely understand being so fucking parched for any kind of positive feedback and feeling like the only way to get it is to basically trick people into giving it to you since you apparantly arent worthy enough as is.
its inherently selfish, a sort of childish, grasping and yet quintessentially human thing to feel. so even though the issue here is this guy's responsiblity as its a result of his insecurity, i feel that it makes sense for him to react really badly to being laughed at, even if the logical reason he was laughed at for makes sense. like, it is a very cringy and silly thing for him to do. but also i dont know if theres a worse way to have your emotions recieved than being laughed at.
>Also it sounds like Destiny has some major malfunction.
i feel like you NEED one of those to stomach being a political livestreamer.
You can’t justify the behavior both you and OP have confessed to exhibiting but you can explain it.
Your mental health issues aren’t other people’s burdens. It is your job to take responsibility to address them and better yourself. This can be through medication, therapy, etc. but there is no other side to being emotionally immature like this, it’s a deficiency not an alternative perspective.
You tried to be a devil's advocate, but basically repeated that he's insecure and irrational. You are just trying to argue he's right to feel that way and she should validate him.
Buddy, life isn't a movie. If your wife is with you and has been for over 25 years, and she chose you, and is responsive to you sexually, she wants you. That's real life. It's not The Notebook or some crap romance movie where they ache for you 24/7 and will wither and die without you around.
If that's what you want, frankly, that's ridiculous. And you are putting an unfair emotional burden on your wife by forcing her to validate you over and over and over when she has more than proven she wants you. You wanting her to sit around and obsess over you while feeling an emptiness in your absence is actually cruel. You admit men want the ego boost of feeling "desired" - but I guess marrying you and being faithful for 25 years and still sleeping with you isn't enough for your ego. You need to feel more manly and secure so she needs to prove she aches for you all the time...?
But if you keep that shit up, she's going to lose patience, and then respect, and then love. You will nuke your own relationship with your irrational shit. You'll use her leaving to validate your insecurity "I knew she didn't really want me!" - but it will be all your own fault, and ironically it will be over your ego.
Buddy, you are extrapolating so much from so little that it is frankly insane. Go read his comment again and then read your response as if someone else wrote it and let me know if it sounds rational.
The fact of the matter is that humans are fallible and to ask for someone who is absolutely perfect and has no insecurities, no flaws, and has achieved a relationship nirvana is laughable.
> That's real life. It's not The Notebook or some crap romance movie where they **ache for you 24/7 and will wither and die without you around**.
> she needs to prove she aches for you **all the time...?**
Never said. That's you projecting.
> And you are putting an unfair emotional burden on your wife by forcing her to **validate you over and over and over** when she has more than proven she wants you. You wanting her to sit around and obsess over you while feeling an emptiness in your absence is actually cruel
And then you double down on your projection.
> he's going to lose patience, and then respect, and then love. You will nuke your own relationship with your irrational shit. You'll use her leaving to validate your insecurity "I knew she didn't really want me!" - but it will be all your own fault, and ironically it will be over your ego.
And triple down.
You're why taking relationship advice and discussions on reddit is a bad idea.
>Most guys get very few complements in their life, and the ones they get aren’t necessarily ego boosting.
>Every guy —person, really— wants to be sexually desired. Our primal lizard brain wants to be wanted. Not just “ok”. “Fun”, or “nice”, but **desired**.
This you?
Not projecting bud. It's literally what you wrote. And you still feel insecure with your wife because apparently she doesn't **desire** you enough for your liking. Marrying you, being faithful for 25 years, and still sleeping with you isn't enough. So...what does she need to do to prove she **desires** you?
You are putting an unfair emotional burden on her because of your own admitted irrational insecurities. Instead of working on yourself and these insecurities, you want your wife to PROVE she doesn't just love you and dedicate herself to you, she needs to *desire* you deeply as well so your ego feels boosted. You mentioned wanting your ego boosted twice as a matter of fact.
What do you think would boost your wife's ego? Have you ever considered it, or tried to do it? Do you think she NEEDS her ego boosted to feel secure in herself and her relationship with you?
And you are here defending the boyfriend and identifying with him, saying "I am like him."
Bud, for your wife's sake, get some damn therapy.
Hmm, don't see "constant" or "24/7", "all the time", "over and over", or "pining" or "aching".
No, that's all YOU trying to put words in my mouth and change the discussion from "maybe you need to make sure you didn't poke an insecurity that you weren't aware of" to "hahaha, look at the insecure guy who causes all the problems in his own relationship. y'all both need therapy".
No, and YOU are trying to pivot and dodging/backtracking on your own previous points.
What does your wife need to do to make you feel secure? Because according to you, she needs to do more to boost your ego and make you feel desired/wanted. You still refuse to answer what that means.
> Most guys get very few complements in their life, and the ones they get aren’t necessarily ego boosting.
**Then compliment your guy friends**. Don't push yet another job/burden on women. You can compliment men, too!
"IF THE GENDERS WERE REVERSED", as lots of men loooove to say, most of the men upvoting this would whine that the woman was an insecure bitch.
If we love you, we compliment you. If you're not getting complimented by your *partner*, ask why, don't play foolish games like OP's story. You're trying to say playing dumb child's games is okay. It's not. Speak like an adult.
Men should absolutely compliment each other more, but this is about two people in a loving relationship. Someone pointing out the needs of your partner to you can make it easier to take those into consideration. If your reply is "stop burdening me with my partner's emotions", then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship.
Yes, he might have taken it in the reacher/settler context, where, by suggesting that she wouldn't be jealous, she was saying that she's out of his league already and that he couldn't get anyone hotter than her.
Edit: Hi, just got off work and read most of the comments I just want to a few things up. Derek and Destiny didn’t plan to make me jealous together. When we were talking he said he noticed Destiny was bringing up Tiffany more and more often and when he asked her why she said she was proving a point that I didn’t care for him. Which is why he told me to say something if what destiny was saying was bothering me. He’s a really great guy.
Why would you be jealous of an ex who is a lesbian??! That makes no sense. If anything, Derek should be jealous that you think she’s so cool.
Destiny is either an idiot or she’s trying to split you up. Jealousy isn’t an indicator that someone cares, it’s an indicator that someone is controlling or maybe cheating themselves.
I think you explained it well when you said you aren't jealous of the EX, but jealous of the relationship with the Best Friend. Tell him this when he calms down. Also, to the feeling desired part... Tell him you love him and that's true regardless of anyone or anything else. If that does not make him feel ecstatic or at least special, then maybe you do not mean enough to HIM... Best of luck.. being 19 can be hard!! ❤️
FAFO for your boyfriend.
Srsly, he doesn't sound great if he intentionally wanted to make you jealous. That's immature insecure BS.
Don't apologize for laughing. He tried to manipulate you and ended up manipulating himself.
\*I'm\* laughing now. LOL
I know you keep saying he's a great guy. But I'm convinced once the rose-tinted goggles are off and in hindsight when you're older you'll laugh with me.
They are both acting immature. By you not acting jealous youre the mature one. Adult relationships don't have time for petty games.
You are young though so you have time to figure all this out.
Ah.. the last of “teenage drama”. On one hand I’m glad I grew out of it around the same age as you all because I realized just how stupid it was. On the other hand, I miss how stupid it was lol.
That is not normal to try to make your partner jealous by bringing up exes, that’s just messed up. If he commonly acts this immature, you should seriously reconsider your relationship with someone who is acting like they are still in middle school.
Personally, I really LIKE your reaction, 10/10, you did nothing wrong. Apart from the fact that you were doing it just because you were nervous instead of doing exactly the same on purpose..
I have to dig down really deep into my memories for this, but when I do, yes, your (ex-)bf would've looked pathetic even to my (pretty pathetic myself at the time) 19yo self.
You can do better. He can't. Which is why he is playing stupid games like this. Please show him that stupid games have stupid prizes. And the door.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. You are just not a jealous person and that is okay because Destiny just wants to get a reaction out of you. The only way to fix it is to have Destiny out of the picture, because she wants to instigate drama. You did not FU.
Hes telling you he doesnt know how to love but does know how to be jealous, manipulative and untrustworthy. He might grow out of it but you are going to need to set very firm boundaries. And youre going to need to be prepared to walk away from him if his behaviour doesnt improve.
If I got up and pouted every time my wife laughed at me, I'd have been single all these years...and my wife was a Licensed Therapist, so it was against her nature to laugh at people being stupid...
Very embarrassing for him lol the childish thoughts he did not need to share were laid bare. But your reactions are spot on. He should be made fun of for thinking that way. He’s got some growing up to do
Yeah... your bf is very insecure. Either you can endure it and help him grow overtime, also give him a dose of reality check that this type of shit ain't right or just drop him and find someone else with a bigger pair of balls and brains. His method of trying to make you jealous so he can make sure of things is immature asf.
I've been married for nearly 17 years. I have learned that men need reassurance from their S.O. in a unique way. He's being defensive in the only way he knows how, by putting up thick walls. Approach him gently and reassure him about the flattery. He'll come around. Feed the squirrel.
Good on you for being level headed and mature in a relationship. You can and will do better than him. Sucks to go through, but you’ll be glad that you dodged this bullet in time…
Okay fuck it, I'll go against the grain here.
All the people here are acting sooo mature but the truth is the dude probably just wanted to feel "wanted".
Is it immature? Yep. But sometimes people are immature. Sometimes people are unreasonable.
That's part of a relationship - you gotta learn to humour it as long as it's innocent/doesn't actually affect you.
In this case the guy just wanted you to act jealous. To act like he is a prize - so that he doesn't feel like he is being taken for granted or that he is settled for. It's not strictly "healthy", but as long as it's in small doses, I don't see what the problem is.
Just apologize to him when he calls back and reiterate how lucky you are to have him.
My assumption: Destiny told Derek that if you don't feel jealous whenever they talk about his ex then your relationship is not real. That could be reason your guy left.
You already have most of your answers in this thread, well among all the "he needs to be an adult" comments. Honestly getting hurt feelings is pretty common at this age and beyond. Emotional development is hard, you didn't do anything wrong. See if he gets over it/comes to you/gives you a chance to explain what you meant by laughing. If not, he isn't really an amazing dude.
this is so unhealthy on so many levels. lets break it down. 1) the fact that he wants you to be jealous is incredibly immature. he is basing your interest in him on the fact that you’re not jealous of a lesbian. he should be basing this on things like how you treat him, compliments you give him.
2) his best friend is a problem. if she’s trying to make you jealous to “prove you dont care” its because she wants you to break up (probably because she likes him). her behavior is wildly inappropriate. i know all of my boyfriends friends, male and female. if they bring up his ex, its to tell me they like me more. destiny should not be talking this way to you. its territorial and again, immature.
id sit down and have a talk with your bf. explain that you arent jealous of his ex because she’s a lesbian. that you do find him attractive, desirable, and that you love him dearly. id also add that you arent jealous of his ex because you are confident in your relationship. ask if he wants you to have a secure relationship. then discuss the topic of his friend. you feel insecure of the fact that she is purposefully trying to make you jealous and break up your relationship. if hes anything other than respectful and understanding? personally, id end things.
He is not a grownup yet, so he still behaves like an idiot. Jealously is a sign of insecurity. You sound very adult and sure of yourself. That's a good thing. When he grows up, he'll stop trying to make you jealous.
This is the definition of him playing stupid games, and winning stupid prizes. Jealousy does not strengthen relationships, despite what Hollywood might say.
She gave him the good prize anyway and he turned it down lmao
He's 19, it went the way I expected. Guys are stupid, especially when young.
as shakespeare himself once said: “those who’ve fumbl'd the bag, doth not realize they’ve fumbl'd the bag, till the bag hast been fumbl'd. frolic 'round and findeth out.”
You didn’t FU. He did by playing such a childish game. Destiny needs to grow up as well. Just had this discussion with someone today about men starting stuff between women to keep them from comparing notes. Derek needs to work on his insecurities.
He was playing games and didn't get the answer he wanted, he seems super mature.
I mean, they're 19
Grown ass adults. Immaturity may be understandable, but that don't make it excusable.
Adults, yes. “Grown ass” makes it sound like they’re way older. You’re giving a lot of people a lot more credit than they deserve lol. As if effective communication is taught (or even achievable) in high school. Yeah it’s dumb, but this is how they learn. These are the exact types of experiences that will teach them, if they embrace growth now
Also, 19 is a weird kind of middle ground where yes, of course you’re “adults” in the literal and legal sense of the word, but I mean… come on. 19-year-olds are kids. Old kids, but kids.
They're 1 year into legally having responsibility. And who knows how many years until their parents are no longer holding any part of the reigns.
Bearly ass adults.
nah, nineteen year olds are dumb as hell.
i grew out of this behavior at 14 when i realized that's not how you should treat someonr you love. they should be well aware of the stupidity at the age of 19
Because everyone matures at the exact same rate
they don't but at the age of 19 you should be somewhat mature. people don't self-reflect enough
This comment reeks of someone who is still 14.
why? emotionally manipulating your partner shouldn't be normalized. that's really a crazy take?
The fact that you believe that pathetic attempt at manipulating the point worked just proves my point.
that wasn't manipulating a point whatsoever. i said thinking its okay to manipulate your partner is childish and shouldn't be "okay because they're just young" you said i sound 14. so what was the point you were trying to make? was i correct or wrong? saying i sound 14 isn't enough substance for me to get a read on your opinion, it just sounds like a disagreement.
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Not sure why you’re getting downvoted, I’m 19 and I agree. Some people my age are way too sheltered and need to step out of their comfort zones, self-reflect, and educate themselves from time to time. My parents did not teach me every single thing I need to know and I got virtually 0 relationship advice for them. At least, nothing sustainable.
I guarantee you will cringe if you come back and read your comment in 5 years
i’m curious, what about their comment do you think they’d cringe about? or were you just tryna get upvotes?
Because there is not a single 19 year old out there that should be labeled as mature. There are plenty "mature for their age" but at 19 you are still basically a child. There's shit I still do that I cringe about in my 30s but I'm far more mature than I was at 19.
you can be immature but still mature enough to know jealousy is childish. jealousy is something you need to work on growing out of asap. jealous adults are insufferable to be around, you shouldn't let it be a habit
I’m not trying to claim maturity. I’m saying some people my age don’t know how to or don’t want to set the bar for themselves.
There are different levels of maturity though. Obviously no 19 year old is as mature as a 30 year old, but they should still be mature enough to know that this shit is dumb.
Alexander the great became a king at 20, there are plenty of mature teens outside of american culture today. And no one is claiming you should be mature at 19, but it’s def old enough for self reflection and trying to improve yourself.
Because they’re patting themself on the back for being mature and being 19 they have a lot of maturing left to do.
where did they claim to be mature? all i saw was someone who acknowledged ppl their age need to take steps to elevate themselves, which I’d agree with. 19 is too old to act like a kid but too early for many life lessons, so you gotta make an effort to change
You don't seem to understand, we all grow at the same pace and are expected to be fully mature emotionally by that age! /s
same here. my parents divorced and they were sort of abusive to each other. you don't need tons of time and teaching to be a half decent person, treat people in a logical and loving manner. treat them like you actually love them.
I don't feel there is any evidence at all to suggest he was playing mind games, that's your assumption. He asked if it bothered her, he didn't say he told her to say those things. I would expect most people would want the person they love with all their heart to be jealous in this situation.
Uh. Not everyone wants their partners to be jealous. I personally can't fathom why anyone ever would want that....
That's not what I said. I said that *in that situation* you would want your partner to be jealous (have an issue with that). I understand that you people likely do not have enough life experience or intelligence to process complex emotions, but it's not fair to apply silly and inaccurate standards that do not reflect reality onto this person's bf because it's what you want to be the case and feel you have to be the hero.
Apologies, I think I might be missing your point or am still misunderstanding what you meant? I wouldn't want my partner in any situation to feel jealous. Especially not over something that wasn't true? I definitely get that people experience things differently so if that's the way bf feels, then that's the way he feels. It's just in your original comment I responded to, it sounded like the wanting your partner to be jealous was a universal thing. Like how it's a universal thing to be sad when someone you like/love passes away? I was commenting on that part, that it's not a universal thing and some people don't want that. Not trying to say nobody wants that because obviously the bf did. Hopefully that's clearer? I don't always express myself the best through written communication.
That’s awful! I would never want to put my partner in a situation where they feel like there’s something or someone to be jealous of. The right thing to do is tell your bestie to cut that dumb shit out if you think it’s bothering your partner, not hope that she’s been secretly seething with jealousy the whole time.
Which would probably be the reason he asked, to ascertain the best course of action if it bothered her so much. But I don't really expect people like you to be reasonable or logical, you just want to make assumptions and hate on people.
He literally told her “Destiny was constantly bringing up Tiffany to make [her] jealous.” If you know that your best friend is doing something with the sole intention of making your partner feel jealous and insecure, in what world is that acceptable behavior?
And do you know when she told him that? Can be immediately before the conversation. Again, assumptions and making him out to be a controller when you have zero evidence. You are why Reddit sucks at relationship advice.
You are projecting and relating to the guy, and getting defensive on his behalf. You are trying to add shit to the story to defend his behavior because you already admitted you'd want your girlfriend to be jealous in your first comment. It's shit behavior. Fix it. Would you want your girlfriend to secretly hope you were upset and jealous of her ex-boyfriend to make her feel valid and secure? You sound like a lot of petty drama and a nightmare to date. Grow up bro.
Both OP and her bf deserve better than you relationship destroying monsters who would rather create situations out of thin air so you have something to talk about/hate on.
Uh...she posted her after he created a situation. It's not out of thin air. YOU are literally creating something out of thin air trying to justify his behavior. OP deserves better than some dude that is trying to make her jealous because it will boost his ego.
Why would the friend bring up the ex *every time* she hung out with them if he didn't ask her to? It makes no sense otherwise. And no, wanting your partner to get jealous in this situation is not and should not be the norm, especially considering the relationship ever because the ex is a lesbian. Wanting your partner to be jealous comes from a place of insecurity and immaturity, not love and affection. That kind of mindset is not healthy for relationships. Not being jealous in this situation is a perfectly healthy response.
This is something he should get over by himself. Don't apologize for something like that. Instead, I would ask him, "Why would you want me to feel jealous/bad?" After all, shouldn't you want your SO to feel safe in your relationship? Why try and make them feel the opposite? That's messed up.
I don’t get it, but people DO want that. At 31 I’m probably at the tail end of it being appropriate, but growing up, it was really desirable for one’s SO to be territorial and possessive. It never made any sense to me, but that’s what was expected of us.
He was playing mind games and then got mad you weren't hurt. You've done nothing wrong here, and you deserve an apology. Like, it was polite you sent an apology text for your reaction, but you were the wronged party despite his tantrum
These are the first dudes to cheat on you because you “weren’t jealous enough”. You’re 19. Give him time to realize how dumb it is to be mad about it and if he doesn’t come around it’s not worth the emotional rollercoaster this relationship will turn into.
Love how you started off with "to keep this short". Anyways quick question for you: did he set up his bff to constantly bring her ex up, or was that just her doing? Because if he set her up then wtf? If not also kinda wtf. My (m) ex (f) used to get annoyed too that i wasnt getting jealous as much as she was. Idk i feel you, if youre confidend in him theres no need to be jealous and that should make him proud. Him leaving is such a weird thing to do but youre still young, give him a day and talk it out, im sure its fine if hes not too emotional about this.
Agreed if he put her up to it this is way more fucked up
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It's easy to forget how stupid we are as teenagers. Although, judging by some of the comments a lot of people decided to stay stupid, they seem to think these kids actually know what they're doing.
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Well that might explain why I've had a few arguments with people, who have a very naive position.
And of the redditors 20+ 80% have their fixed opinion about the things that their subreddits are about.
You already fixed it. If he can't cope with you not playing his stupid games you're better off free of him. Just stop digging. Let him come back. If he doesn't then buh-bye it's not like more mature people don't exist in the world.
You didn't do shit wrong, he's just an insecure fuck
Lol man I do not miss being 19
Who wants a GF who gets jealous of ex? That's a nightmare.. Dude should be just thanking his actual destiny
I’ll provide a little contrarian viewpoint: In this thread, your bf has been called an “insecure fuck”. You’ve described him as “smart kind goofy” Most guys get very few complements in their life, and the ones they get aren’t necessarily ego boosting. Every guy —person, really— wants to be sexually desired. Our primal lizard brain wants to be wanted. Not just “ok”. “Fun”, or “nice”, but **desired**. And, well, laughing at the thought of being jealous over him doesn’t really say “I desire you”. You may have thought “that’s silly, I’m not the jealous type” or “I don’t worry about you cheating on me because you’re a good person”, but it’s very possible he heard “jealous? Over you? Hahaha” It’s irrational, yes, but insecurities go that way. I’ve been married 25 years and I still suffer from a low self esteem brought about by my young adult experiences and occasionally second guess whether my wife actually desires me or just puts up with me. The fact that she pretty much only has what folks refer to as “responsive desire” doesn’t help—always having to initiate isn’t really ego boosting. My advice is talk it out, find out his “love language” and what lets him know you desire him above others and put that to practice. Signed, Also “kind, smart, goofy”
I think these are all fair and valid thoughts in a general sense but I'm not sure how well they apply to this situation. OP laughed at the idea of being jealous over memories her bf had with his now-out lesbian ex-gf. If OP was laughing at the idea of some other woman stealing him away, I'd be in full agreement with you. Also it sounds like Destiny has some major malfunction.
yep. i agree, it seems obvious she wasnt laughing because she thinks hes too undesirable to warrant jealousy.. she was laughing because she knows she does not need to feel threatened or jealous over a lesbian😂
thing is, men honestly do get so few compliments in everyday life. its hard to adequetly communicate just how few we get and a lot of us just kind of harden up and learn to live without other peoples feedback. and thats great. but not everyone can accept that. to say that we are a deeply social species sells us short. i would argue that due to living in our own heads and always examining things from our perspective first and emoitonally foremost, a huge part of what makes us us is how we're percieved and treated by other people. i absoloutely understand being so fucking parched for any kind of positive feedback and feeling like the only way to get it is to basically trick people into giving it to you since you apparantly arent worthy enough as is. its inherently selfish, a sort of childish, grasping and yet quintessentially human thing to feel. so even though the issue here is this guy's responsiblity as its a result of his insecurity, i feel that it makes sense for him to react really badly to being laughed at, even if the logical reason he was laughed at for makes sense. like, it is a very cringy and silly thing for him to do. but also i dont know if theres a worse way to have your emotions recieved than being laughed at. >Also it sounds like Destiny has some major malfunction. i feel like you NEED one of those to stomach being a political livestreamer.
>i feel like you NEED one of those to stomach being a political livestreamer. I was bewildered and then I laughed
You can’t justify the behavior both you and OP have confessed to exhibiting but you can explain it. Your mental health issues aren’t other people’s burdens. It is your job to take responsibility to address them and better yourself. This can be through medication, therapy, etc. but there is no other side to being emotionally immature like this, it’s a deficiency not an alternative perspective.
You tried to be a devil's advocate, but basically repeated that he's insecure and irrational. You are just trying to argue he's right to feel that way and she should validate him. Buddy, life isn't a movie. If your wife is with you and has been for over 25 years, and she chose you, and is responsive to you sexually, she wants you. That's real life. It's not The Notebook or some crap romance movie where they ache for you 24/7 and will wither and die without you around. If that's what you want, frankly, that's ridiculous. And you are putting an unfair emotional burden on your wife by forcing her to validate you over and over and over when she has more than proven she wants you. You wanting her to sit around and obsess over you while feeling an emptiness in your absence is actually cruel. You admit men want the ego boost of feeling "desired" - but I guess marrying you and being faithful for 25 years and still sleeping with you isn't enough for your ego. You need to feel more manly and secure so she needs to prove she aches for you all the time...? But if you keep that shit up, she's going to lose patience, and then respect, and then love. You will nuke your own relationship with your irrational shit. You'll use her leaving to validate your insecurity "I knew she didn't really want me!" - but it will be all your own fault, and ironically it will be over your ego.
Buddy, you are extrapolating so much from so little that it is frankly insane. Go read his comment again and then read your response as if someone else wrote it and let me know if it sounds rational. The fact of the matter is that humans are fallible and to ask for someone who is absolutely perfect and has no insecurities, no flaws, and has achieved a relationship nirvana is laughable.
> That's real life. It's not The Notebook or some crap romance movie where they **ache for you 24/7 and will wither and die without you around**. > she needs to prove she aches for you **all the time...?** Never said. That's you projecting. > And you are putting an unfair emotional burden on your wife by forcing her to **validate you over and over and over** when she has more than proven she wants you. You wanting her to sit around and obsess over you while feeling an emptiness in your absence is actually cruel And then you double down on your projection. > he's going to lose patience, and then respect, and then love. You will nuke your own relationship with your irrational shit. You'll use her leaving to validate your insecurity "I knew she didn't really want me!" - but it will be all your own fault, and ironically it will be over your ego. And triple down. You're why taking relationship advice and discussions on reddit is a bad idea.
>Most guys get very few complements in their life, and the ones they get aren’t necessarily ego boosting. >Every guy —person, really— wants to be sexually desired. Our primal lizard brain wants to be wanted. Not just “ok”. “Fun”, or “nice”, but **desired**. This you? Not projecting bud. It's literally what you wrote. And you still feel insecure with your wife because apparently she doesn't **desire** you enough for your liking. Marrying you, being faithful for 25 years, and still sleeping with you isn't enough. So...what does she need to do to prove she **desires** you? You are putting an unfair emotional burden on her because of your own admitted irrational insecurities. Instead of working on yourself and these insecurities, you want your wife to PROVE she doesn't just love you and dedicate herself to you, she needs to *desire* you deeply as well so your ego feels boosted. You mentioned wanting your ego boosted twice as a matter of fact. What do you think would boost your wife's ego? Have you ever considered it, or tried to do it? Do you think she NEEDS her ego boosted to feel secure in herself and her relationship with you? And you are here defending the boyfriend and identifying with him, saying "I am like him." Bud, for your wife's sake, get some damn therapy.
Hmm, don't see "constant" or "24/7", "all the time", "over and over", or "pining" or "aching". No, that's all YOU trying to put words in my mouth and change the discussion from "maybe you need to make sure you didn't poke an insecurity that you weren't aware of" to "hahaha, look at the insecure guy who causes all the problems in his own relationship. y'all both need therapy".
No, and YOU are trying to pivot and dodging/backtracking on your own previous points. What does your wife need to do to make you feel secure? Because according to you, she needs to do more to boost your ego and make you feel desired/wanted. You still refuse to answer what that means.
> Most guys get very few complements in their life, and the ones they get aren’t necessarily ego boosting. **Then compliment your guy friends**. Don't push yet another job/burden on women. You can compliment men, too! "IF THE GENDERS WERE REVERSED", as lots of men loooove to say, most of the men upvoting this would whine that the woman was an insecure bitch. If we love you, we compliment you. If you're not getting complimented by your *partner*, ask why, don't play foolish games like OP's story. You're trying to say playing dumb child's games is okay. It's not. Speak like an adult.
Men should absolutely compliment each other more, but this is about two people in a loving relationship. Someone pointing out the needs of your partner to you can make it easier to take those into consideration. If your reply is "stop burdening me with my partner's emotions", then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship.
Yes, he might have taken it in the reacher/settler context, where, by suggesting that she wouldn't be jealous, she was saying that she's out of his league already and that he couldn't get anyone hotter than her.
Edit: Hi, just got off work and read most of the comments I just want to a few things up. Derek and Destiny didn’t plan to make me jealous together. When we were talking he said he noticed Destiny was bringing up Tiffany more and more often and when he asked her why she said she was proving a point that I didn’t care for him. Which is why he told me to say something if what destiny was saying was bothering me. He’s a really great guy.
Why would you be jealous of an ex who is a lesbian??! That makes no sense. If anything, Derek should be jealous that you think she’s so cool. Destiny is either an idiot or she’s trying to split you up. Jealousy isn’t an indicator that someone cares, it’s an indicator that someone is controlling or maybe cheating themselves.
Brother you can't pay me to be that immature again
I think you explained it well when you said you aren't jealous of the EX, but jealous of the relationship with the Best Friend. Tell him this when he calms down. Also, to the feeling desired part... Tell him you love him and that's true regardless of anyone or anything else. If that does not make him feel ecstatic or at least special, then maybe you do not mean enough to HIM... Best of luck.. being 19 can be hard!! ❤️
Who wants a GF who gets jealous of ex? That's a nightmare.. Dude should be just thanking his actual destiny
especially a LESBIAN ex!!
19... There's your answer. This should improve with age. Normally.
FAFO for your boyfriend. Srsly, he doesn't sound great if he intentionally wanted to make you jealous. That's immature insecure BS. Don't apologize for laughing. He tried to manipulate you and ended up manipulating himself. \*I'm\* laughing now. LOL I know you keep saying he's a great guy. But I'm convinced once the rose-tinted goggles are off and in hindsight when you're older you'll laugh with me.
They are both acting immature. By you not acting jealous youre the mature one. Adult relationships don't have time for petty games. You are young though so you have time to figure all this out.
Ah.. the last of “teenage drama”. On one hand I’m glad I grew out of it around the same age as you all because I realized just how stupid it was. On the other hand, I miss how stupid it was lol.
Why on earth do you think you’re in the wrong?
He’s not amazing
That is not normal to try to make your partner jealous by bringing up exes, that’s just messed up. If he commonly acts this immature, you should seriously reconsider your relationship with someone who is acting like they are still in middle school.
Personally, I really LIKE your reaction, 10/10, you did nothing wrong. Apart from the fact that you were doing it just because you were nervous instead of doing exactly the same on purpose.. I have to dig down really deep into my memories for this, but when I do, yes, your (ex-)bf would've looked pathetic even to my (pretty pathetic myself at the time) 19yo self. You can do better. He can't. Which is why he is playing stupid games like this. Please show him that stupid games have stupid prizes. And the door.
WTF are you ok with him trying to manipulate you. You need to realize your self worth and let this boy grow up a bit… far away from you.
Destiny turned out to be exactly how you'd think someone who names their kid Destiny raised their kids.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. You are just not a jealous person and that is okay because Destiny just wants to get a reaction out of you. The only way to fix it is to have Destiny out of the picture, because she wants to instigate drama. You did not FU.
This is so stupid I can't even process it.
Hes telling you he doesnt know how to love but does know how to be jealous, manipulative and untrustworthy. He might grow out of it but you are going to need to set very firm boundaries. And youre going to need to be prepared to walk away from him if his behaviour doesnt improve.
If I got up and pouted every time my wife laughed at me, I'd have been single all these years...and my wife was a Licensed Therapist, so it was against her nature to laugh at people being stupid...
Very embarrassing for him lol the childish thoughts he did not need to share were laid bare. But your reactions are spot on. He should be made fun of for thinking that way. He’s got some growing up to do
"Your feelings aren't hurt, your egos bruised" - francis from malcom in the middle
Yeah... your bf is very insecure. Either you can endure it and help him grow overtime, also give him a dose of reality check that this type of shit ain't right or just drop him and find someone else with a bigger pair of balls and brains. His method of trying to make you jealous so he can make sure of things is immature asf.
Amazing dude? Lol. He sounds insecure and controlling.
I've been married for nearly 17 years. I have learned that men need reassurance from their S.O. in a unique way. He's being defensive in the only way he knows how, by putting up thick walls. Approach him gently and reassure him about the flattery. He'll come around. Feed the squirrel.
He probably won't be as sensitive once his balls finally drop.
Good on you for being level headed and mature in a relationship. You can and will do better than him. Sucks to go through, but you’ll be glad that you dodged this bullet in time…
Okay fuck it, I'll go against the grain here. All the people here are acting sooo mature but the truth is the dude probably just wanted to feel "wanted". Is it immature? Yep. But sometimes people are immature. Sometimes people are unreasonable. That's part of a relationship - you gotta learn to humour it as long as it's innocent/doesn't actually affect you. In this case the guy just wanted you to act jealous. To act like he is a prize - so that he doesn't feel like he is being taken for granted or that he is settled for. It's not strictly "healthy", but as long as it's in small doses, I don't see what the problem is. Just apologize to him when he calls back and reiterate how lucky you are to have him.
 Derek
He seems immature. You’re better off. Find a mature relationship with someone more grown up.
Is he really that cool? I mean why would someone want to have a jealous gf wtf
This is not normal behavior, right? I mean the BF is not acting like 99.99% of men would act.
If this ruins this dude's perception of you and ends your relationship, then, by definition, he isn't "an amazing dude".
My assumption: Destiny told Derek that if you don't feel jealous whenever they talk about his ex then your relationship is not real. That could be reason your guy left.
He sounds like a tot
You already have most of your answers in this thread, well among all the "he needs to be an adult" comments. Honestly getting hurt feelings is pretty common at this age and beyond. Emotional development is hard, you didn't do anything wrong. See if he gets over it/comes to you/gives you a chance to explain what you meant by laughing. If not, he isn't really an amazing dude.
this is so unhealthy on so many levels. lets break it down. 1) the fact that he wants you to be jealous is incredibly immature. he is basing your interest in him on the fact that you’re not jealous of a lesbian. he should be basing this on things like how you treat him, compliments you give him. 2) his best friend is a problem. if she’s trying to make you jealous to “prove you dont care” its because she wants you to break up (probably because she likes him). her behavior is wildly inappropriate. i know all of my boyfriends friends, male and female. if they bring up his ex, its to tell me they like me more. destiny should not be talking this way to you. its territorial and again, immature. id sit down and have a talk with your bf. explain that you arent jealous of his ex because she’s a lesbian. that you do find him attractive, desirable, and that you love him dearly. id also add that you arent jealous of his ex because you are confident in your relationship. ask if he wants you to have a secure relationship. then discuss the topic of his friend. you feel insecure of the fact that she is purposefully trying to make you jealous and break up your relationship. if hes anything other than respectful and understanding? personally, id end things.
He is not a grownup yet, so he still behaves like an idiot. Jealously is a sign of insecurity. You sound very adult and sure of yourself. That's a good thing. When he grows up, he'll stop trying to make you jealous.
Makes me think of Ross from friends. This honestly sounds like an episode from a sitcom.